Nobody Panic - How To Act When Your Friend's Boyfriend Is Trash

Episode Date: April 1, 2019

Could be a boyfriend OR girlfriend, but what do you do if your friend has picked up a steaming heap of utter bin? Stevie and Tessa go through the options and try to work out how to go about telling them. Or not telling them. Tessa uses a hypothetical man's name (Jonathan Tibsdale) and we'd like to apologise to any Jonathan Tibsdales listening: we do not mean you. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Welcome to Nobody Panic. Welcome.

I'm Stevie. I'm Tessa. And we're here to sort of like help you kind of get through some life things. And also while we learn to as well. Or not. Or not. I mean, we're not. Since we started actually this podcast, I think I am better at certain things.

But I'm certainly not as adult as I would have hoped starting it. You know? I think you ever go like, I'm done now. Okay. Yeah, I can saw everything at myself. Well, a wonderful woman wrote to us from New York and said that she listens and she has an 18 year old son. Yes. And I was like, well.

Yeah, she's a proper adult. Your prodigy is an adult. Yeah. And yet, you know. You still don't feel it. I think you never get to the point where you're like, oh yeah, I've got it under control. Yeah, I've nailed it. May I say about Anonymous from Tunbridge Wells?

Yes, please. We did, the podcast a few episodes back was about dealing with a terrible boss. and a lovely young lady wrote her into us and we didn't want to say her name in case she listened or the boss, I mean the boss listened and, you know, lest her office-based environment spiral worse. Thank you, yes. And Stevie said she was anonymous from Tunbridge Wells. She's written in to say she actually is from Tumbridge Wells.

So basically Tess is a wizard. That's essentially what's happened. I don't know what to do with myself. What should I do with this power? I don't know. If your power is that you can correctly identify when someone's from Tumbridge Wells, I think just won't until that happens again. Okay.

Just sit quietly. It'll strike. It'll strike again. It'll sit quietly. I wanted to say something as well before we start. Oh, Lord, a bit of self-promo from the Steve coming out of you. That's my name. I'm doing my show from last year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival called Volume 1 at the Soho Theatre, April 17th to the 20th.

And it's quite a big room and I'd like people to come and see it. It's selling okay. but yeah there's some tickets left there's lots of jokes in it it's very silly and I'll be in the bar afterwards having espresso martinis air in night

so yeah if you want to come it's on my Twitter at StevieM the S is a 5 but also if you go on Soho Theatre.com and you search for Stevie Martin you'll find me and it'll be a little bit also the earlier you book the cheaper the tickets are I don't really understand how that works but anyway if you fancy it

Algorithms money capitalism Oh my God, yes, sorry, algorithms, money and capitalism, which is the name of my new show. It's not... Come on down. Yeah, come and see it. Come on down. It's also the last time ever I'll do it. Although I am doing a new show, but it's the last time I'll ever do that one. Come and see it, guys.

Right. But don't bring your friend's boyfriend who's a dick. God, he's just difficult and we can't put our finger on it. But he just is, and I can't tell you that you should leave him. Oh, yes, I wanted to say as well, absolutely swap the gender of this, if it's applicable. We'll say partner from now on. I've known some shit girlfriends. I've known some shit boyfriends. I think it's because so often we're like,

oh, there's my wonderful, vibrant, exciting, clever friend. And that literal heap of steaming trash that she calls a boyfriend. Yeah. Oh, why has she brought a bin? Oh, sorry, that's her boyfriend. Yeah. Oh, wow. And also you, there is also an element where you know the person,

your friend, obviously, so much better. So when someone comes in and they don't make the best first impression, which lots of people don't, you can immediately jump to the conclusion that they're a piece of shit. But then what I think we're talking about is when you've gone, okay, I'll give them a second chance. And it just turns out that the more you peel back, it's like an onion, but there's shit in the middle of it.

You're like, oh, wow, they're awful. Or they're not a bad guy or girl, but they're just not right for your friend and it's very clear. Yes. I think I've been on both sides of that. I mean, I've definitely been on the side of like, oh God, you're a boyfriend, shit.

But I've also been the person that people have been like, right, I don't know if this is, you should probably break up with that person. And I've been like, I know it's hard sometimes, isn't it? Anyway, and then just gone out with them for four years. As have I. Yes.

And in response to people telling me things, I would be like, sometimes I'd be like, I would just lock up in my head, I think my response was like, no, but you don't understand. Yeah, you don't understand. You don't see him at this point. You don't know. You don't see him that you don't know.

Yeah. And everyone's like, the other day he said a nice thing to me. And you're like, and then the thing is, unfortunately, from the outside, people are like, no, I do know. Yeah, and they do. And they do. And they know you, they've known you for way many more years. And also so often, this is not about anybody, IRL. Oh, no.

I actually don't like all of you. So, great. Carry on. Yeah, lovely. You're all doing great. And I wish you nothing but happiness. All of your partners are smashing it. Your partners are smashing it.

You're smashing it. I wish you nothing but joy. But I think it is a common thing. Hypothetically. I think it is a common thing and a common thing to think. And much like when people first like try going to therapy for the first time and they're like, here's my thing. I'm bringing this. This is the thing I think is the problem.

And then someone be like, hmm, okay, what about this thing that you've never even considered? Yeah. But to everybody else that you. You've like, oh my God, I've never even thought of that, but everyone else is like, well, we did. Yes, we know that that's part of your personality. Duh, like that's the most transparent thing about you. Yeah.

That you think it's this, but it's actually this. And so often when someone's like, hmm, gosh, oh, and he didn't, oh, he made you do that, did he? Oh, he didn't, why didn't he come to support you at this thing? And you're like, well, well, well. He's really busy and he's got a lot on. And actually, like, he's not that interested in that. But, like, he also shows his affection in like different ways. You're like, oh, wait until you meet someone that just sort of likes you and go see your

things and then you go oh what was I doing for the past decade with these dickheads which is basically what happened to me yes when you're in relationship with somebody who's just nice they all listen you're like imagine imagine it in a group you were balls you're such a shit yeah you when you're something nice you're like oh my god this is easy isn't it yeah it's so much easier and you find yourself not having to explain away their behavior to your friends and I think there are many red flags that you dress up like, well, they sort of look like pink flags if you sort of squint. Yeah.

And you spend a lot of time, like, squinting and not wanting to look. Because if you look, then that means that it's a red flag. So you're like, it's fine. You know, for example, yeah, he's, oh, he works late. So he didn't want to come or like, like, all this stuff. You're like, right, someone who works late, will, you'll find someone who works like and will come to your thing afterwards. Or someone that will stay for the whole of your birthday.

Or someone who won't insist on coming to every single party that you go to, to make sure that, you know, I don't know, you're not doing, like, you know, unless you are in which case, fair on him. Like, you should keep doing that. But, like, but, you know, there's so many red flags that we just completely ignore because, I mean, I know so many very intelligent people who have presented me with, yeah, the pieces of shit that they're going out with. I've been like, I don't know, that's so mean.

They're not pieces of shit, but they're like, oh, they've got an edge to them. And I don't know if you should, oh, you're married, okay. And it's not just you've got an edge or they're just, like, so like a sentient, you know, literal bag of track. They're just bringing nothing. Yeah, they're bringing nothing. So why are they like they're being weird and they're, or they're controlling or they do this thing or they're just bland.

Or they're just so bland. You're like, but why? Yeah. Please say something funny. Make her laugh. She likes to laugh. She's my friend. Look.

She loves to laugh. Anyway, what's the most adult thing you've done this week? Before we get really in. Because we're already like champ in a bit. Yeah. Oh, God. And again, just keep coming at it. Not about anybody listening.

Yes, it really isn't. Or is it? No, truly, truly. Imagine if this is how we chose to tell one of our friends. Tell people. No, I really do like every bit. But also, I think, also, when you're young, you confuse drama with love. Oh my God.

That is one of the most profound things you ever said. Mic drop. Yes, I spent the whole time being like, breaking up and getting back together again is really romantic. Yeah. It's not. It's not. That's what you think it is because it's things to talk. about and just, you know, and you confuse it.

Whereas when you're older, you make better choices and you have a greater sense, I think, of your own self. And you, you know, you compromise less for another. Yeah, up and down can feel also because it's almost like a reward system where when there's a up after a down, to say, like, you're fighting all the time. You're like, plus this what we do. And do you like have amazing makeup sex? And then you're like, right, well, there we, again, I'm not talking about anything

in my life because, no. But the idea of like being like, oh, but like it's so much better because that's, Highes are so much more higher than with, I don't, I just want to be beige and just like on a flat line. Like that's what boring. He's like, no. And then you, then you are on a flat line. You're like, National House excellent. Like, it's always nice rather than, yeah, obviously it's not ever going to always be nice and people aren't perfect. But the idea of living your life in peaks and troughs is just like, no. No. There's so much drama in life anyway. You don't want that to be coming from the person you've chosen to spend all your time with. Yeah. My God. And also, I hope.

we also don't get in anyone's head that they start thinking that they, you know, don't make any rash decisions based on this podcast. I'm saying, don't dump anyone because of this podcast. Unless you're listening and going, oh my God, I'm not happy. In which she goes,

absolutely, break up with him. There's one of my sister's friends, I don't know at all, but she, that's her thing. Like, she's like,

because you know, you go through a period of time, I think in your 20s when everyone's dating and very few people are in long-term relationships. And everyone's like, oh, why hasn't he takes me back?

Like you're constantly, you know, having these conversations that repeat and repeat and repeat. And she's just like, literally, he doesn't like you break up with him. That's her piece of advice because that kind of is true. Like if they're not, if you don't feel like they're, if you think that there's something quite wrong and your friends have been like, oh, I don't know about him or her. And you are feeling anxious and upset all the time. And I think you do have to get out of it. It's very hard to.

so you might not for another six years but you have it in the back of your mind we still, we've continued haven't we? Right, what's your adult thing? I just want to talk about it all day. You are better than him. Sorry. I'm beginning to explore the idea

of wearing a silken turban to bed. I'm trying to get into hair care. Oh my God, that's so funny. I have extremely thin. Quite a bit of it, but it's very, very fine. The actual individual hairs are small? Yes, very fine. baby hair, everywhere.

Okay. And therefore, without some good brushing, it just wants, it just mats together. Yes, you do have one on the side of your head, which is quite astounding. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. As in, you've not started wearing this October, but it hasn't begun yet. Right. Because when you sleep, especially if you, like, roll about at night, it just like rubs it up and down. Right.

And it's just normal sleeping, I'd like to clarify, no funny business or nothing. Hello. Obviously, it looks like that, but it isn't. It's just from basic sleep. Yeah. And it obviously makes it super fine and very static and breaks. But the internet suggests you sleeping in a silken turban. And people rave about it.

Okay. So I'm going to, like I said, I'm making the... Doing some research. The perfunctory. Correct or no? Depending what you meant by it. Early. Preliminary.

Thank you. Preliminary. So I'm doing some preliminary. Oh. Shall I wear that turban? Should I do. Maybe I won't. Maybe I will.

My adult thing is very similar. Okay. So on Instagram, I get sponsored targeting adverts all the time. Who doesn't? All the time. And it's the same ones because I once like Googled it to see if it was what it was like and I've basically given myself a life sentence of seeing this thing called sand and sky, pink clay, Australian, makes your paws disappear, mask. and the advertising is so strong.

It's like real girls being like, oh my God, my skin's amazing. And then you see like before and afternoon, you're like, Jesus, yeah, that skin looks great. But also not like so great that you're like, that's not real. You're like, yeah, it does look. You've really pepped it. Oh my God. But I've been resisting and I've been resisting because I know it's balls. Like I know all that stuff is balls.

But like 2 a.m. couldn't sleep. bought it then still couldn't sleep 4 a.m. Looked at some actual reviews why didn't I do that before? Because I was swept up

by what I thought were the actual reviews of the sponsored women who'd been paid money to talk about it. Of course. As someone who literally does that myself for brands, like I say I don't do sponsored adverts but I do no I do adverts, yeah. I don't, like it's, shows the power of sponsored advertising when it's a normal girl going, no, but you would, this

really does work. And you're like, and it's Australia. And everyone in Australia is healthy and beautiful and has no pause, which you would die. Anyway, you read the reviews. Sorry. Look, I'm going swept away again. I read the reviews and they were all like, I mean, this is actually just nothing happened. So then I returned it as in, uh, canceled the order immediately because it was Australia, so they were all awake, um, doing business. So I canceled it after two hours, which sounds like it's not an adult thing but it is because I didn't want to spend 38 pounds on something that was a lie and I okay did the research afterwards which I shouldn't have done but then I rectified it I think and became an adult when I said no

that's really really good yes it was a roller coaster of an evening yeah yes well done that's really really well done so you your friends boyfriends crap let's move on to I've found some tips and I would like to sort of present you with the tips and then you can be like, no, or okay, that's not a right tip. I'm ready for that. I can do that job. So, they say you probably should let your friend know how you feel. I think that's a very bold tip to start with

because that's the thing that you don't want to do. That's the thing you feel like you cannot do. Yeah, that would be my like, My never tip. Yeah, great. That's what I thought. I think it's important to first establish what kind of heap of trash they are.

Yes. Is it compostable? Is it compostable, crucially, or is it just this trash bag is on fire? It's non-recyclable and it's on fire. And is it like, and is it in the like cheating, like, you know, fully abusive, controlling, doesn't let them go out? They've changed as well. They say things like, oh, so and so wouldn't like that if they were here.

Or like, oh, I only do this. They're away, so, you know, I'll do this. I'm going to throw in as well consistently talking over the person because I think that's a real sign as well when you're with someone and they won't let them speak and they speak for them. Then I think you should intervene because if something like cheating, or something, I think it's very important to weigh up the situation and I think probably, like I would personally want to know. I think everybody would. It's so easy to be the, not easy to, obviously not easy to be the recipient of that information,

but it's so easy when you imagine yourself in that scenario to be like, of course I'd want to know, but to actually be the delivering of the news means that you're like, you're literally breaking somebody's heart, you know, you're telling them like the most terrible, worst fear. Yeah. And so of course it's such an easy hypothetical to be like, of course I'd want to know and of course I would tell anyone when you're not actually in that position. No, I find it incredibly hard, but I think that's where other people, friends of that person come in. Yes. So you can all decide what the best step forward is. And also like, because there are some instances that also I know of, of like, it's actually like friends of friends of friends that

they're not connected to me at all, where things have, someone has found out that someone's cheated and they just decided that it wasn't their place to say anything. Because, I don't know, they'd been going out for a long time. It had happened really early on. Yeah. And it hadn't, you know, there's no reason to suspect it had happened after that. Or there was a possibility that they'd also talked about it. So then you don't want to be the person who's like, he cheated on you.

And they're like, yes, we know, we've moved forward. And, you know, thanks for this. So I think, yeah, it's very tricky. but if all of you kind of believe that it's the best thing to do, then I think you should go ahead and talk to the person. Yeah, I think, and obviously every scenario will be totally different, but it's one of those ones that's like silence will 100% not be the best policy. No.

With this thing. And then it's like, are they married and they've got three kids? Are they really happy? Are they really happy? And is this a thing that happened in the deep past? Yeah, like, and so everything's on a case-by-case basis. But the ideal scenario would be this thing. has happened recently. You're absolutely 100% certain because do not go barreling in with your

loose suspicions. Yeah. God, you have to be certain. And it's something that happens that may be some kind of nice safe dinner or a group of friends. Not in public. Not in public. Not over text. Not in a Mexican restaurant where they're wearing a sombrero. Not in a Mexican restaurant. Not at like their big, not at their party. Just like in the safest. Their engagement party. Not their engagement. Dude. Not shouted at the back from the church. Like just in the safe. calmest, smallest way with all the information that you have and say, I'm so, so sorry to be telling you this, but I think that I have heard. Yes, it's possible that.

It's possible that. Because then that facilitates a conversation between the two of them rather than being like, he has done this. I know he has done that because obviously your friend's going to go, well, how do you know? And you can give them the evidence that you know. But like, it's very important to be honest rather than judgmental. and so be like he's a sack of shit and he cheated on you is how you feel

but you want to be like I've heard this obviously it's come from a third party so we can't I don't know if it's true but it might be worth chatting to what you have to be is like in your friends camp yes like the camp has received this information what is the camp going to do as opposed to being like

your boyfriend is a piece of shit to which my response even if I know that obviously and nine times out of ten that is something that like in their heart of hearts like they know my instinct is to be like fuck you you're a piece of shit and our friendship is over goodbye and then you've isolated yourself further yeah and exactly so you've done nothing so it's a tricky one but you sort of get in their camp with them to be like can we together could we shine a lamp on some of the camp's activities yes yes do that as a team and obviously it's you know it's an effort so

it's a lot of effort it's a lot of effort but then you've got a lot on so you got a you've got a You've got to help them out. On the complete other end of the spectrum, though, which is something I find interesting, quite a lot of the advice. And I think there is something in this as well, is if you just don't like the boyfriend, there's no actual,

there's no reason to suspect he's cheating or being abusive or your friend is not in danger. He's just a bit of a prick or he's boring or whatever. To just be careful. Boring seems too much. Like, boring seems too much. Yeah, you can't go like, oh my God, he's really boring. I think the thing is like makes them less of a person.

Yeah, changes them. But any of those, there is a sort of other side to that, which is that it's not, if nothing bad has happened and it's just the personality of the person that you object to, it's not really up to you to say anything. But it is completely within your prerogative to not, you know, go out of your way to hang out with him. but like certainly you know arrange more things where so

actually this has got nothing to do with any boyfriends but just as a separate thing I've got quite a few groups of friends where we meet like my old just subjurice friends or there's some friends from Durham where we meet as like a five or a six and we always meet and it's always the same people

and we've all got boyfriends or girlfriends but no one brings them it is just like our time to hang out together and so if you don't have that with this person set that up So that you are, because I think one of the worst things is when just someone just brings their fucking partner to everything. And you're like, it's cool if they're like also friends with everybody.

But if they're not, sometimes you're like, mate, we're supposed to have a brunch and now it's like me and you and him. Like, why have you done that? Yeah. And that's a bit of a weird red flag. But you can set up situations where that's not happening. Well, I think it's a really important one to identify when you don't like somebody is like why you don't like them.

Yeah. And I would say that like nine times out of. 10 is because they have taken away your friend. So now you don't get one-on-one friend time. You get them plus Jonathan Tim Steele. And they've got all their own in-jokes and all their own. You used to be a pair. And now you're the third wheel in what used to be your thing.

So jealousy will come into it, but you can't just be like, he's a prick because actually you're just jealous. What you're really saying is like, you left me. Yeah. And actually the better he is, the more jealous you are. I'm sorry, if anything, he's probably great. I'm jealous that you do hang out. You know, it's basically, it's the same thing for when you were like five years old and the teacher said, like, everyone get into pairs.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I just got, like, in the first day. Sorry. I never had anyone to be in a pair with. Go on. It made you who you are. Thank you.

Just deeply insecure. Terrified. I can't eat pairs. I'm so sorry. No, go on. If you were a child, and I think every child has been both the odd number, but also been in a group. when you've turned around and been like,

mm to your partner. I'm doing a point to everyone. I'm making this space. And you're like, yes, it's pair time. Yeah, yeah. Let's talk about pairs. But like, and you're like, oh, we're a pair. We always do this thing together.

And so transitioning from like, there's my pair, to get into pairs. Oh, I don't have a pair anymore. Yeah, my pair wants to hang out with their boyfriend, Jonathan Tibstdale, who's a very specific name. Oh, thank God. I was like, well, we said we were talking about it, one you've literally given a last name. I've made him up.

Okay. But like, you know, then you've literally, you know, you're feeling. So really your instinct is not actually, I hate him. It's like, I hate being alone. I hate that they've left. So interrogate how, yeah, interrogate how and why you hate this person. Yeah. And if it is because you're genuinely concerned for your friend,

their welfare, they've changed, they're not the same person, they're struggling or there's some sort of behavior that is concerning, then you can consider telling them and also speak to other friends before we do that. But then if it is just like, I'm sad that I'm alone, then I'm afraid you can't say anything. Unfortunately, you just have to like let your friend be happy. Unfortunately, we have to do that sometimes. You just have to let them go and have this new stage of their life.

Because you're not letting them go completely. Like, I mean, I'm in a relationship, but I still have friends. Like, and I don't, I don't bring the shadow to, I would say 90% of social engagements. And I like, sometimes that people can't see him because he's a shadow. Because he's a shadow. That is true. But, like, I make a point of doing that and, like, still go for coffee with people and still go for lunch to people.

Because I think I don't like the idea of people being like, oh, well, she's in a pair and she's living with her boyfriend now. So she's fine. You're like, no, I still want friends. And I think they've, so your friend hasn't gone. No, I think you just have to make the effort to be like, we're going to X, Y, Z. We're going rollerblading. We're going to brunch.

We're going Apple. Zorbing. Zorbing. Oh, it's for two. And we say like, oh no, you want to say, so I want to invite my friend Sheila, Zorbing, and I say, it's just a girl's trip, Sheila. I love Jonathan Tibstale, but it'd be great to get some girl time. I'd love just hang out with Just Us.

I love him, but it would be great if it was just for the two of us. Yes. And if they're like, oh, so the worst thing I think is when you text a friend being like, hey, do you want to go to this? And they'd be like, oh my God, great, me and Jonathan have having dinner beforehand. So we'll see you there. And you're like, no, no. No.

I didn't invite. No. It was for us. You can't go back on it. So you have to be very clear with the invitation. Like, it's like with wedding invitations and they're like, can you come to a wedding? Unfortunately, we can't offer any plus wants. Like, great.

Now I know. We're all. Rather than being like, I turn up and they're like, I'm sorry, there's no food for you. Or you're like, we can't wait. And then they have to go, oh, oh, yeah, sorry. It's just you. Yeah. That's a horrible feeling.

It just needs to be nice and up front. This is the kind of do that we're planning. And also I always, I always got the sense when receiving the like me and Jonathan Oh yeah I always felt gosh What? I always felt when receiving the It was a group of all girls

And then Sheila was on the way And then we got the text that was like Me and Jonathan are on the way And I remember the whole group of girls being like Oh she's being like Oh what's the point? Let's not go Because like now it's not going to be like

Ha ha ha ha and also what are you up to Jonathan And also how's Jonathan? that relationships are complex, human beings are fucking stupid, everyone's just got to be softly, softly with everyone else's feelings and just to be aware. And to accept as well that your friend has chosen to go out with this person, that you're like, okay, I wouldn't choose to hang out with him. And that was sort of like being quite like, they're just not like a great, if it's like a personality thing,

then, you know, don't say anything. But that's actually incredibly hard to be friends with someone and their boyfriend, you think is just a bit shit, but not shit enough to actually like intervene. You just have to put up with hanging out with someone that you don't want to hang out with when you want to hang out with your best friend. That's really hard. But you have to find ways to like suck it up because it's their choice in their life. They make your friend happy and it's their life and you have to let them go.

And be there when it all falls apart. Inevitably well. But like and also sidebar on that when they come crying at 2am, do not launch in with day up. Because they will get back with Jonathan. And then the truth. about Jonathan will have come out and that was a mistake. God, I've done that before. Don't like, yeah, he's a piece of shit.

Then the next day they'd be like, so we are back together. No, the comfort means to be entirely comfort. None of this. And lots of questions and so how does it make you feel like, I will, if it's the best thing for you, then I'm going to support you, but I'll support you either way, like a lot of that kind of vague business. The support will be here. And it will be vague.

And it will be vague, but strong. Strong and vague. No one's to say what it is. Yeah, and if you feel like you're losing them, you know, it's so easy when, as you get older or younger. What a couple. Whichever one is happening for you. It's so easy. I was just thinking that like if, for example, okay, so let's say that like your friend is a, you got a friend that's a flake.

And they, you invite them something, they let you down. And rather than in any way sort of expressing that or being like, hey, this, you know, this really meant a lot to me that you were here and, you know, I know you couldn't make it, but I want you to know that I'm really upset and I'm quite frustrated, whatever. You just like swallow that. You don't say anything. And in your mind, you're like, well, we're not friends anymore. Well, I'm never inviting them to anything ever again.

You just mentally move them from one, your strong, from one box to another. Your favorite friends into the like loose periphery friends. and I think as you know that happens we're so good we're so quick at moving the box and being like well never never again and equally being like moving them from you're like your solid group to be like well they've got a boyfriend now yes they're in that box they're in the periphery boyfriend brofrey boyfriend brooks don't hang out with them anymore they're a flake I don't speak to them this is this and then your box sort of just gets smaller and smaller so you're the only one in your box and then sort of that's the ultimate good lord stevie

ultimately you'll be the only one in the box whereas if you you know if they flake you express yourself and you say, hello, I'd love to work on this thing. I don't want you to think I'm just an easygoing person who's fine that you've not come. Oh, that's a shame.

I actually would really have loved you to be here. And if equally we'd be like, oh, they don't want to speak to him more. I'm like, I'm so happy for you and Jonathan. Jonathan's featuring heavily. I just think Jonathan dips have a funny name. I'm so happy for you to. We'd definitely still love to hang out with you,

you know, one on one. Also, listen to the episode that we did a while back, I think it was last year with Dolly Olderton, about how to cope when your friends move on because that was more sort of also focused on friends moving out but it was friends moving on and having to do with them.

Because they move out because they have jobs or partners like no one just leaves you because they hate you. Yeah, exactly. That's not really moving on. That's a totally different. That's a different podcast episode. Entire different points. What's to do when your friends hate you and leave.

So I think if you just think he's a tedious piece of shit. You're just going to find ways. Unfortunately, you've just got to be like, okay, number one, I know I only think that because I'm jealous baby. And 90% of this is on me. Number two, if he was absolutely amazing, then I'd be jealous in a different way. Yeah. So still will be on me.

So that's my shit to deal with. And then be like, okay, what's he into? Oh, my God. I'm trying to do some waste management. He's in the territorial army. Oh, my God, right. Okay. I'll do some research on that, ask him some questions.

I'm sure the territorial army is amazing. if you are in it. Most people, when you ask questions and you actually get down to the nitty gritty of them, they are interesting. Like, most people are interesting. Most people, some people aren't forthcoming

with that interesting information. But I remember my friend, she's not going out with them anymore, but she was going out with this guy who was very boring. And he was a lawyer, is a lawyer. Whenever you'd be like,

so what are you working on? Like, what sort of lawyer? You'd be like, this. This. This. I'm doing this. Like, this. I was like, no.

I want to find out about the cases you do, like, what sort of stuff? And I really got down to it. And it was fascinating. It was genuinely really. His job was really interesting. But he just wasn't very good at expressing that or making stuff interesting and fun and flowery and, you know, like packaging it up. Like, do your absolute best before you reject them. Yeah.

I think every human being is on their own radio wavelength. So, so lispy today. I was going to say so wise. Oh. Or I'm Lispie. Their own radio wave length. Oh, lovely. And sometimes you hit someone that's on the same one as you, a stranger,

and that's when you're like in the kitchen at a party, just being like, oh, this is some banging chat. Let's do drive time. Yes, baby. What? Oh, the radio show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's have our own fantastic ceiling.

We're all rolling with it. And sometimes you meet somebody that's a completely different radio frequency and you're just like white noise against each other. And you're like, I don't get you at all. Like nothing is coming through from your frequency. And they're equally like, you're insane. Like, what? And then you go out with them for five years.

And then you go out with them for five to ten years. No, but if you just keep tuning the radio to try and, you just have to do that thing to be like, okay. Like you were the lawyer being like, okay, just trying to get in there and be like, what is your frequency? There'll be something that they do in their job, their life, their opinion, a film they like, a book they like, there'll be something. Just, it's case by.

case basis. It's case by case. Definitely, you just got to say if it's anything that feels in the definite dark camp cheating, any kind of psychological, physical abuse, you know, doesn't let them go out, has their telephone, stealing their money, stops them doing things, yeah, has their money. Oh, God, definitely has their money. Anything that they're like, oh well, oh well, in that sort of voice, oh well, he's, you know, I'm just paying for it now. Oh, well, you know, he likes to know where I am. He's just, you know, oh, he doesn't like me going out with other people, you know, without him. You're like, you have to step and he goes, oh, this sounds kind of, you know, but maybe it's not. But to me it sounds a little bit controlling.

And then they can, you know. To me it sounds like this and like, but like I'm just checking it. And I'm saying it's supposed like your boyfriend's a dickhead. So remember that that's a no. That's a no. It'll get a bad response. That's a hard pass. If he's just boring.

Just you're going to have to suck it up and just try and find something interesting about him. Get in there. If there is nothing, if he's a contrary black hole, He may duly dump them in three months time, in which case, don't be mean because they'll get back together again. Don't gloat. Don't gloat. But vague support. Vague, yet strong.

You will just have to think about yourself how you are dealing with the fact that your friends in a pair with someone else, whether it's that. Or whether he is just pretty shitty. And if he's not done anything particularly bad or controlling or abusive, then you just have to, you're unfortunately going to suck it up, which is a pain. You just have to shrug yourself and be like, I'm at his new. point in my life and this is where I'm at and this friend has found this great love and that I have to be okay with that. But also you have to make time for each other without him. I think that's very crucial. Yes. Hello. Would you love to come? Would you love to come? Would you love as an individual? Like to come to this thing. I'd love to hang out with just you. No plus one's available.

No plus one's available. Unfortunately at this brunch. I couldn't do you know I couldn't get anyone else in Yeah, make those clearly make those times for you that is just the two of you or however big the gang is that you make it clear that like this is a this is a solo experience. A solo experience. Great. And again, I can't stress enough how if anyone listening has a boyfriend. I'm not talking about your boyfriend. He's great. And I mean that about being old.

All of you, all of you's guys. I am just like, you know, go be happy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. And also people make better decisions, when they're older. Exactly. People have been around the houses a few times. Been around, haven't we? Haven't we just?

Tweet us about the times you've been around at Stevie MBSSas of 5 or at Nobody Panic. Pod. At as a coach. Yes, please. You can email us, nobody panicpodcast.gmail.com. Well done. Write in with your agony aunt-star boyfriend complaints. Yes, we will help. With your case-by-case basis and we'll attempt a case-by-case response.

Unless there's too many and then I'll panic. And then we'll get tired. I'll get tired. But I will... They'll probably say you just got to let it go. I'll send you a meme. We'll try and... Yeah.

So you're sending a meme and I'll just write. You know what? Let it go. You go, girl. Yeah.