Nobody Panic - How to Admit When You're Wrong

Episode Date: June 9, 2020

Tessa maintains she has never been wrong in her life. Stevie gently attempts to dismantle this while coming up with expert advice on how to go about saying sorry. Because, despite what you (or indeed Tessa) might think, everyone is wrong sometimes and that’s okay. This episode was recorded pre-corona or 'the great before' as Tessa likes to call it.Recorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive Productions.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Follow Nobody Panic on Twitter @NobodyPanicPodSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true, Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Hello, welcome to Nobody Panic. We just wanted to pop in beforehand because this episode that you're about to listen to was recorded just before. Well, actually, as we like to call it, the before time. The great before. It's actually recorded months and months and months ago,

but we've got it in the back catalogue, so we thought we'd publish it. But just so you know, we recorded it ages ago. So if we reference how we, you know, how we're totally confident there's never going to be a global pandemic or just forgive us, you know. Yeah, yeah. And also, it'll sound a lot better than not. So I guess just enjoy that. It's like a little air bath. Yeah. I want to enjoy the high audio quality of this one. Okay, here it comes.

And welcome aboard. We've got aboard the ship. The fun ship, the friendship. Where nobody's panicking. That's right. It's the calmest ship on the sea. On the sea. I'm on in. I'm Stevie.

Tessa. Tessa. Singular. And this is Nobody Panic, where we help you sort of do things. I will say, I always say this at the end. I'm going to say at the beginning. If you like the podcast, do spread it around. Follow us on Twitter at Nobody Panicpod

Me at Stoviam The S, Ease a 5 Me at Tessa Coates Or on Instagram, what are you? At Wheat Pray Love It's good, it's good stuff Listen, listen Does it do what it says on the tin?

No, no But does anything? When I joined, I wanted to be a gluten-free blogger Okay, and I'm not She didn't, she didn't do it So sue me Just leave her alone about it I think that's number one

Leave Tessa alone about not being a gluten-free blogger Today, we had a suggestion from Lauren. Hello. She listens to us on her Tuesday commute. Oh, great. Only works one day a week. And good luck to her. She suggested an episode and we're going to do it, but we're doing it in a

different way. So she said how to admit when you're wrong, which we were like, all good. Actually, no. Tessa, would you like to say how you respond to it? No, I don't want to say how I perform. No, no, we don't know. No. And her face went all like a walnut.

And then she very strongly said, I'm never wrong. And we were like, that's why we weren't. I was like, we're doing this. I am of the opinion that I've never, never wrong. And so I have no interest in learning when to admit when I'm wrong on account of how I'm never wrong. Right. And I just think it's very important. And that's the party line and I won't be deviating from it.

Okay, welcome to the podcast. I'm never wrong. And I'm covered in sweat. So we've kind of extrapolated into three different things. So it was going to be two things. We were going to do, Lauren, and we were going to do how to admit when you're wrong. So we're already very apologetic. Yes, we are.

But how to say sorry after how to admit when you're wrong. And then from. Tess's response, I've got to add like a little precursor, which is how to know when you're wrong. Yes. We really have to walk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How to even know it's happened? Because I'm not, I don't need to admit it because I'm not. So, end of, end of discussion. And I think the sorry thing, I think, is we are guilty of saying sorry for tiny things constantly. Supposedly women say sorry like 30 times a day about just nothing. Yeah, fair enough. I'm sorry. Who among us has not apologized to a pan? You know?

Oh my God. I apologize to doors quite a lot. It's like a bag handle. Yeah. Or when I've got like some fancy wares on and they've got like a loop on it or something. Or like a belt buckle or something. Yeah. I'm just attached to the door. Oh, yes.

It happens so often. And who do you say sorry to? The door or the door. My clothing. Someone who I'm weird because it was a weird way to enter the room. Yeah. Oh, God. Sorry.

So sorry. Sorry. So sorry. Once. Do you remember that time Annie McGrath? Comedian. Comedian Annie McGrath kicked me in the street. We were just talking and then she came up behind and like very gently but kicked me on the bum and as a way of a greeting.

And I didn't know, I thought she was a stranger. So I said, oh, sorry. A woman kicked me and I said, oh gosh, sorry, sorry. There we go. Ever so sorry. That is, that typifies it really, isn't it? But I think we're also, so we're guilty of saying sorry about tiny things when we shouldn't be saying sorry and we're guilty of not saying sorry when we definitely. should be apologising. And I think increasingly now we see these very public apologies,

sometimes written on a notes, a notes app, and then screenshoted and then added to Twitter. So we know it's serious. Before we delve into our featurette, what adults thing have you done this week? Well, followers of the featurette will remember that I bought a silk pillowcase. Oh, that was a while ago. And then I educated you on the devastating silk industry. And then we talked about how you'd learned to clap for the first time. Yes, yes. So I've got this silk pillowcase. And yes. Yes, I put my hands up, I'm not wrong, but I didn't know. I didn't know, yes.

Silk is a problem and I didn't know. But I'm sorry to the worms involved, but I look fantastic. Okay. You live on as it while you're on the silk pillow? No, now. Every day, Stevie. What's the silk pillow done to your hair? Stevie desperately trying to be like, right?

Yes, your eyes. The silk pillow case is supposed to be for, if you have, your hair is very, falls out all the time. Well, you're not bald. And I'm not bald. I say arguably, I feel like Harry Potter, when his hair starts growing over the night, I feel I've got too much hair. But so did you, do your hair thin?

Oh my God, terrible, terrible business. And it was always falling out and was always having problems with my hair. I don't know if anyone has watched the popular drama, Dr. Foster. No, I haven't. It's about an affair. And I will now relay an affair, a hair affair. And I'll now relay the entire plot, starting a serious one. Oh, Christ.

I won't. But the catalyst for the woman discovering her husband is having an affair is she finds, she has dark, short, dark brown hair and she finds a single blonde hair on his scarf. And that's the beginning. And they're like, golden retriever is like, that's me. And he's like, it was me. I'm so sorry. No, it's very, it's too long for a golden retriever.

But I laugh because I was like, if I was having an affair with the man, he would be covered in my hair. There would be hair, it wouldn't be one delicate. Yeah, it's Chewbacher over here, just shedding. And you silk pillow stopped it? Yes, no more shedding. I can have the affair. Those worms died for good. Thank you.

They died for good so you can have an affair. Yes, I've got terribly sensitive skin and get allergic to absolutely everything, allergic to my clothes all the time. Dandelions, as we found out. And famously, Danile. Tessa did a gleam free chairs, which had to send some of her hair off.

Now I'm thinking that you're thinning, maybe that's why you were thinning because you kept cutting your hair off and sending it to medical plastic. Found out that she can't touch dandelions. It was a lot. Or mutton. Huge day for me

Okay so my one is Okay so it's quite niche In terms of like What I want to do at the moment But like I think we can all We can all understand We can all get on board We can all understand

That we all have our own Adobe Premiere Pro Which is I wanted to edit I've been trying to put up Sketches every month of the year In fact I put two This go on my Instagram Or my Twitter

Have a look Please you share them around If you think they're funny and I've learned how to rather than get a man in to edit them. Yes. You've taught yourself? Oh my God, I've taught myself. Wow, Stevie.

And not just on I movie, which I still have to do because the one I downloaded is still a bit too scary. But to do subtitles, I've learned how to do the subtitles on a very fancy program. It's one of those ones that you press something and then like everything disappears and then something else starts playing and then like you've cut together a film. And you're like, how I've done that? All I did was press the letter B. and there's lots of like all of the guys I filmed this one recently and it was it was with lots of men and they were all like oh yeah like a premier pro it's really like it's really really easy like it's really like intuitive and they kept saying it's very intuitive and then they showed me and I like filmed it on my phone some things and then when I got home I couldn't work out how to open a file so then I had to Google how to open a file and obviously no one helps with that because it's like well that's obvious it was so hard hard. But I've done it and I pushed through and it's been many hours and now I can do it would you describe yourself as a pro? Absolutely not. I'm just a premiere at the moment.

Okay. Well, lovely. I'm still on the free trial and I probably will get rid of it when they weren't stopping because I don't want to pay but. Did you teach yourself on the Google forums? No, I just did it by trial and error. Occasionally Googling things that I like, you know when you're like, for example, how to open a file or being like, ah, keep disappearing. why does that keep disappearing? I just sort of like used a little thing and then like open something that wasn't important

and then tried to edit it on that and then by trial and error you can learn quite a lot. That's wonderful. That's really wonderful. And I know this is very gender heteronormative of us. Oh my God. To make sweeping statements about like men do this and women do this. Yes.

But if I may, there is about men being like, oh, it's really intuitive. And then when you look at it, you're like, what is this health state? This is the most confusing bit of software I've ever seen in my life. How is this intuitive? And also about, you know, if you ever play video games, and some of you ladies will be like, what the fuck you're talking about? I love to, I love that. I wish I was you.

Yes, because to me, you put the button, the button. The button goes down when it should go up. Yes, because men apparently scroll differently. Scroll differently. And there's a study, there was a study done many years ago about women following instructions. And 50 men and 50 women were given instructions to follow and had to put up some flat pat furniture or whatever. And it was found that only like 20% of the women could follow the instructions, but 90% of the men could. And then very recently, Harvard Business University recreated the study, and this time they got a woman to write the instructions. Oh, my gosh, I can't believe it. Right?

Yeah, and now it's... And the women were like, boom, boom, boom, done, done. Oh, yes, thank you. Because the thing wasn't women can't follow instructions. The thing was women can't follow the instructions that men had written and that men found... So therefore, women were always just like, oh, I guess I... They were like, women can't know it.

And also, crucially, not all women, because they were like... percent of women that could. So it's like it's not, but in en general. Oh, we, en general. In French, in general. Yeah. I think that's fascinating. The brain is slightly wired, slightly differently. But don't say that when you're in the middle of an argument with your boyfriend. No, no, it's not the time. They don't like it. But don't just take that on board of like, oh, I guess I can't do it. I'll have to get a man in. Like, this is for anybody. Don't feel you have to get someone in. Like, you can teach yourself and you can plow through. Oh, my God. You're so can be a bastion. I am everyone's bastion for.

specifically Adobe Premiere Pro editing software. So if you have questions about opening a file, do get in touch with Stevie. I've still gone over the file. At TVM. As TVM, the S is a five for five-time Adobe Premier Pro Woman. I've opened it to five-time. Five-time regional champion. In my own home.

In her own home and her own competition. But look, we're going to now talk about how to admit when you're wrong. Okay. I've had a little look into my back catalogue. Oh, of behaviors. Oh, okay, that was good. I've come up with this. Right.

When I was very young and learning to drive, my dad said, do not ever say sorry. Wow. So a thing with driving is that if you crash or anything or you run into somebody, you never want to like admit fault. Because then you have to pay. You don't ever want to get out of the car and be like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry because you immediately admit fault. Yes. And then their insurance company is like, well, you're immediately admitted fault. but actually like whatever.

Someone else could have been. I mean, you did smash into them, but yes. Who's to say who stopped or who's true. Oh my God, you're so right. Anyway, so I think that's part of where I get the we don't admit fault. Yes, because there was when me and Tesla were in a sketch group together, there was a saying which was said a lot, which absolutely was very helpful in some situations. But I feel it was taken to a ridiculous degree. Okay, please.

Never apologize. Never explain. And it was like, okay, cool. like for like human issues surely because no no we never apologising we're never explaining and it meant that yeah it it was quite like oh wow because i've been brought up to be like oh it if anything it apologize too much and also explain um yes which which it is too far the other way a hund a hundipa okay but i think as with everything either end of the spectrum is not great you have to try and aim for that middle ground which is that when the occasion arises

You do not apologize and not explain. For example, what we meant for was when, like, you come off stage and you're like, I think I did a terrible job, but everyone laughed. And everyone's like, well, it on your show. And you're like, oh, no, it was shit. Like, yeah, don't say sorry before you've, because they've just come out and had a nice night. Yes. You're right.

It's actually, I was just checking the source and it's, uh, you would like to guess the source. I've never apologized, never explained. Oh my God, no. I have no idea who that could be. I would have attributed it to Kate Moss, but that's actually. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Terrible. Very close, but I was actually thinking of...

I'm so skinny. And that's the one, yeah. No, show up, shut up. Oh, I feel like you've not backed that. No, I lost confidence. So Kate Moss said, show up and shut up. Is that just what she was saying, that modeling sometimes feels like?

Yeah, no, that was, no, she was saying, like, that was her famous phrase. When she was younger. I thought never apologize, never explained as Kate Moss. It's not, it's King Charles. Charles the first. I thought, see that's funny because I thought King Charles the first said nothing taste as good as anything else.

But it's not. But it turns out that's... Sorry, we got those completely wrong. Right. Yeah, no, it's actually Charles the first. But we, and I think part of the problem is, you know, we're so good at being like, don't apologise for things. Don't do this.

Very British. To be like, we, you were quite right. When we first got into comedy, we'd be like, your instinct is like, ah, just some little comedy if you'd like, you know? It was a piece of shit. It was a piece of shit. And then we would be like, no. Never apologize, never explained, go out.

So helpful. And be helpful, but. For that. Would you say, Stevie, are you looking in your back catalogue of memories and are there particular incidences in which I should have admitted I was wrong? Yes. But not in like a, you've wronged me so much. Well, truly, this is a safe space and I'm ready to hear them.

No. Oh, God, right. Okay. So the difference is that I'm very bad at memories, but also specific. So I can't, you've never done anything wrong enough that I would have noted it and been like, oh, Tessa should have apologized, ever. Okay. But what I would say is as part of your case in point, I'm never wrong.

There we go. But as a personality overall, I would never expect you to be like, oh, I'm sorry about that by the way. Do you know what I mean? Yes, I'm open to the idea. Oh, look, it's seeping in. The idea that I might be wrong. Okay. I'm open to the idea that I have a sort of British warfare attitude to general life. things, which is like, well, come on. 100% yes. Get the cannons out. Come on. Come on.

Some of going to be a trench foot. Come on. Okay. I've surfaced. One surfaced, a memory. Oh, no. Okay. At a hendu at midnight, I told a lady called Wendy to shut up. Yes, yes, yes. You told me about that. And I was absolutely mortified because she told me off. I think if you do come into anything, you're like, oh, I've never done, like, for example, I've never been wrong. I think you do have to be aware that you probably have. have, look, everyone's wrong. Yeah, okay. And that's the point.

Okay. Everyone's in, and that is also where I think a lot of disagreements between genders can happen as well. Like, I think maybe every single actual argument I've ever had with a boyfriend has been like them being like, but why are you feet? Like, what? And I'm being like, but is that, are you saying that's wrong, that I feel like that? And they're like, well, it makes no sense. You're like, where's the empathy, you know? Yes. Like, when someone comes to me and says, like, they could have said the most crazy thing ever,

like I don't know, I feel like I'm frightened of trees or something. I'd be like, well, my immediate response is, well, you're friend of trees. Let's work with it rather than, no, you're wrong. Obviously, I'm using a slightly different thing because that isn't a wrong and a right situation. But I mean that there is a tendency with some brains to logically be like, well, that is wrong and that is right. And my brain very much doesn't believe that anything is wrong or right. So I'm always like, but what is it happening in the moment and like, what was the meaning behind it? And I think you have quite a wrong or right brain sometimes,

which urs and the sort of never having happened to you. Okay, I'm ready for number one. What's my first thing to learn how I'm wrong? Well, there's only really one way to tell if you're wrong. Because if you are somebody that genuinely believes that they're never wrong, then it's impossible. Because then someone will go, well, you're wrong and you'll be like, no, and now's the end. But if the same sort of thing resurfaces again and again,

So if you find yourself having the same discussions with people or things or things, people or relationships or friendships or friendships and you're like, why do I always seem to be telling these people these things? It's possible that you're wrong. What? To repeating myself a lot. Repeating yourself a lot. If a discussion comes up and it's not being resolved. Because no one's listening and you're right, it's possible that no one's listening and you keep having to say the same things and it's not ever being resolved. It's because you're possibly in the wrong.

Okay. And also if as well, but also it is, there isn't really, when I was like looking at it, there isn't really a fail safe because when two people are disagreeing, the point is they both believe that they're right. And the difference is, for example, when I've had a, like, I've been emotional and I've had an argument with somebody or I feel that somebody has done something wrong. I then like, a couple of days later, I will be like, oh, yeah, no, I was actually, maybe I was a bit too harsh or, or I was coming from this because I've talked a lot of people about it. Maybe that helps, maybe talking to other people about the thing, the discussion or

the argument that you've had within the person, we'll give you some perspective. But then you have to listen to that second opinion. You can't be like, and you're an idiot as well. I'm like, imagine I think you've probably done. Okay. I'm taking it on board. Yes. What I need to do is present the information in an unbiased BBC news presentation of the information rather than a Stalinist Russia presentation, propaganda presentation. So this idiot came up to me and so it starts, so I've already begun saying, yeah, I'm already retelling

it. I'm the victor writing history, you know? 100%. And I've just got to present all the facts and then close my mouth. And they'd be like, what do you think? Yeah, what do you what do you think? So now you sort of know that you've gone to your second party. Yes, and they've said, oh, that's, now you shouldn't have said that,

that's quite mean. And you've been like, oh, okay, oh my God, I'm experiencing the fact. that I'm in the wrong. Yes, okay, okay. It's flooding in, it's unpleasant. Yes. I'm experiencing it. You will, here it comes.

You might also, you know, you might need to admit that. Okay. Depending on the situation, if it's someone you'll never see again, fine. You just admit it to yourself or not. But if it's somebody that you see regularly, somebody that you work with, somebody that you're very close friends with, I'll tell you now, they will really like it if you, Lail really appreciate it. Yes.

If you go like, hey, hold my hands above my head. Yes. That was wrong. That was wrong. Which is one way of doing it. Just coming up to them with your hands over your head saying, I'm holding my hands above my head. Put my hands above my head. That was wrong. Which to be honest, is how I say I'm wrong to my boyfriend constantly. I'll do something like, you know, for example, wear all of his clothes and be like,

hello, I'm wrong to try and make him laugh. Okay, okay. To try and dispel the situation. I also, like, I found that I had a full banana costume that he didn't know I had. and then I dressed up as a banana and said, I'm sorry and I was holding a banana. That's not for everyone. Yes, understood.

I wouldn't say it's a professional tip. I just mean, because that's very personal to me because I find saying sorry I was wrong really hard. I feel really embarrassed and sad. And sometimes I cry. And then it's like, well, now you're just like a crying person. So I try and like make it like, alleviate the situation.

But look, take that tip for your own. The banana costume, I got off Amazon. But the main things are to properly admit that you're wrong in a satisfying way is you need to take ownership and responsibility. So you explain like, you know, even though I didn't intend to hurt your feelings, but I'm aware that intentions don't matter in this situation, I did and I should have known better. To really be like, to not do that, I'm sorry I offended you. I'm sorry that you cried.

Like, no. You were sorry that you did a thing. Yes, yes. A boy in the past did some. objectively, was objectively in the wrong. And when I said, but are you sorry? He said, I'm sorry, you're upset. Yeah.

And I was like, that's not sorry. You're just annoyed that the night's been ruined because I'm crying. That's essentially all that's happened there. I think a lot of people who do that, I do believe that that boy in the past knows what he was doing. But I think a lot of people don't realize when they say it that that's a really not apology. So then I've had to explain to people like, can you see that that's not an apology? Yes.

And then, you know, and so make sure that you don't do that yourself because I've also then done it and been like, oh, that's the thing that I'm constantly telling people not to do. Because it's like, oh, I don't actually think I'm in the wrong. In the wrong. Yes. Whereas you really have to let those feelings in. They're unpleasant. Sit with them. Be like, yes, I'm in the wrong. I fucked up here. And it's okay. I am, I am wrong. And that's okay. It's so fine. Everybody is mean to people and just make you not a nice person. And to make it wanting everyone wants to pass the blame for somebody else. It's like how much we loved in class when someone else was being told. Oh my god, it was like exhilarating, wasn't it? Like the dream.

You were the innocent party watching the drama. Yes, please. No, I'll never find a high like it. But when you are receiving it, you're like, ah, this is the worst. Absolutely paralyzed, yeah. Paralyzed. So you've just got to be like, it's horrible. Take it, feel it.

Try and learn from it. Don't fuck up again. But take it and just bravely be like, yes, I am wrong here. And I think the reason that people don't do it, you just touch on there, is because. it's not a nice feeling. But the problem is, and the reason that I struggle with it is because I take it too personally,

I do think a lot of people do, whereas I feel like it makes me a bad person. So if I don't miss a deadline, it means I'm a lazy, horrible girl, or I'm a bad writer, or if I get, or if someone's like, like, I was quite insensitive the other day to somebody without, but it wasn't intentional.

It was just I didn't think about the context that they're coming from. And they were like, oh, sorry, and I was like, oh, God, yeah, I'm really sorry. And then after I'm mean, I'm a mean woman. You're like, no, you're not. You're a human being and human beings are mean sometimes.

But what separates a nice person from a not nice person is going like, I'm really sorry about that. And then someone being like, oh, I'm sorry you got upset because I offended you. That's not nice. Yeah. So that's the boy from your past is mean. I'm sorry if you found that offensive is not an apology. F off.

Because there are specific things that you have objectively, that are easier to, take on board, like, if you have missed a deadline, or you have, like, not hit something at work. And it's like, right, well, that's the numbers show that you have not done your job. Or you have made a terrible mistake or you sent the email to the wrong person or whatever. And it's horrible, horrible. If it's an embarrassing mistake, it's even more hard. And if it's work, it's horrible when you've, like, I don't know, say the worst, which you've been, like, bitching about your boss and you send it to your boss or something.

It's like, you are unfortunately going to have to go. I remember once I was writing for, I've only done it once, only written for this magazine once, and never again. And I was trying to get a case study for this piece. It was being really difficult. And in order to kind of cajole them, because they just kept being like, why do you keep asking me questions? And it was because my editor kept being like, can you ask this? Can you ask this? I was like, look, they're really on my back. And then they saw it in the thing. And they were like, we don't appreciate being represented as being like really on your back. Oh, sorry. Were we on your back? We were just trying to get a good article or whatever. And I was like, I, I can't.

And I just had to be like, I'm really sorry. I was trying to. You know, I'm really. really be like, I know that that was not the right thing to do. This is actually a very difficult case study woman. And I was trying to appeal to all of her, but I shouldn't have done that. And then we never spoke again. And I think about it, maybe at 4 a.m. every week. But that's, but that second part, that last part, I think about it at 4am every week. That's my, that's on me. That's my problem. And that's why I should have a therapist. I shouldn't be doing that because it doesn't matter. People have done so much worse. It's not even that bad of a story. Like, so it's, if you do something bad you upset someone, you're mean, you miss a deadline, you are a late, a very important thing,

you forget someone's birthday, completely forgive if they see somebody being like, I am really sorry. And if that person never forgives you again, well, that unfortunately is also on them now. So if anything, you've absolved yourself. Yes, you're free, you're clear. You've done all you can, but unless it's a really bad thing, and then, look, you can't control how somebody felt and how you made somebody feel. So the other thing is to do that that I just said, you have to address it very, very quickly. Don't leave it for three years,

four years, ten years, and then you're like, we haven't spoken in a decade because the impact will be lessened and the hurt that you've caused the other person will have grown and grown and grown and grown and grown and grown. So by the time you actually do apologise, this is pointless because they now hate you. Resentment builds. Yes, though

if I may, one of the if it's important to you to apologize for something, then time is immaterial. like do it if it's a oh yeah i'm not saying don't do it if you yeah absolutely ideally do it straight away but if you're like but that thing okay i won't do it the time is past if it was in the past one of the stages six and seven of the 12 step plan and alcoholics anonymous is about apologising to to yourself to god and to others i think and the god won't obviously in your own god's cool with it as well he's fine and so if it is something from the past that you're like

oh the moment has passed or like it's i shouldn't do it I'm sure people would always appreciate an apology at any time in life from however long. Yes, you're so, so right. And I think, yeah, so like amend that to, if you can, address it quickly. But if you're thinking now, like, oh, my God, if you're going, if you're raking over those 4 a.m. things that you've done in the past, there's always time for apology. Do it. Go back, reach out.

Do it. And the last two that I have are don't overdo it and don't grovel. So it's like you give your apology, but don't turn yourself into the victim of a situation because you are not. to the victim of the situation from having to apologize to this person. Yes. Are you crying and being like, I'm so sorry I did this. I just and are you crying now and there's people hugging you because in which case. Yeah, and everyone's ignored the person that you've like. That's not a true sorry. That was just you trying to pass that horrible feeling off that

you're the one in trouble. You just have to take that being in trouble and it's horrid but just hold your breath. 100%. And my final one is, which is the same sort of thing is listen, don't argue. So if you apologize and they're like, you know what, I, that really hurt me and I don't I think I'm ready to accept the apology. Don't like, call them a dick. Right. Fuck you then. Well, I saturi say me. Yeah. You have to listen to them. You have to listen. And the things that you will hear might not make you happy. They might make you angry or you might disagree with them. Don't interrupt them at all. Let them say. And then you can deal with whatever they have brought to you in as unemotional and kind of fair way as possible. Because if you are in the wrong, then you have to let the other person react because you've, you've,

you're in the wrong. Like, unfortunately, you have to, like, it's like a bit of a punishment. It's like when you're training a dog not to be on the floor and you have to like spray it with water or something, it's like, oh, you're like, well, it needs to know. Like, it does need to know. So you're being sprayed with water in that way to be like, I'm not going to do it again. I won't do it again. And you need to see that as like a, this is what I get for doing that thing.

It doesn't make me a bad person, but I will be learning. And every time the person speaks back and says, like, you know, anything that hurts you more, you have to think, you know, I'm going to use this. and remember this so I won't do it again. It's just the great lessons of life, babe. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

But isn't nice. None of it's nice. No. I can really understand why you don't want to be in the wrong because it's horrible. Yes. And I'm going to go forward and be in the wrong more. Oh my God. I'm going to accept more.

And maybe I'll go and do some back, some back sorrying and say some sorries. Yeah. Do you be hot sorry tips? Yes, I do. These are just some quick ones that just that it's not about winning or losing. So when you say sorry, it's not about. It's not about deciding who's the victor now because it's just an unpleasant experience and you're passing on your thing. And exactly what you're saying of like you aren't saying sorry so you can be forgiven and absolved.

You're just saying sorry even if you might not be forgiven. Yeah. And in of its own, yeah, it's like it just exists. The apology exists regardless of the response. Stevie. That should be a meme. That should be Charles I should have said that instead. He probably did, let's be honest.

Or Kate Moss. Either one. But that sounds, that's exactly right, Stevie. Oh, thank you. It exists regardless of the response. Thank you. I'm sorry for being so good. Acknowledge that you, not only the wrongdoing,

but that you understand why it was wrong and understand the damage it did. So it's not just enough to say like, you just were saying a joke and you thought it was a joke, but you need to now say, I understand that this caused offence. I understand why it caused offence. Because to say, because often you might give an apology and you still might not be like, I don't know why I'm saying sorry. Yeah. I really don't know.

Yeah. And we get, you know, told off as kids all the time and you get, being like, go and say sorry to. Everyone has to line up and say sorry to, you know, the head of PE for your behavior, whatever. And you don't really know why you're saying sorry. It's just a sort of compulsory thing to do. So fully understanding being like, I understand that you spend a lot of time putting all the balls out in PE and we mess them up. And that must be very upsetting. And I'm sure you have a very stressful job.

And then you go home and have to raise a family. And we're just eight-year-olds. or whatever. You are an articulate your argument. A lot to take on. So fully doing the work to understand why. And if you're like, I don't know, I literally don't know why I have to say something. You're not ready to apologize.

And you're not ready to. Maybe get that third party in. Get that third party in. Get that second opinion. To be like, okay, until you truly understand what it is. And make sure there are no butts and there aren't any. So get your butt out. Get the butt out of there.

And to say, you know, like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did this, but you, but you made it really hard for me. You did this. Yes. You know, I'm sorry I burnt your stuff, but you did leave it all over the living room. Because actually, the less you do that, the more likely if there is something that the other person could have done to help the situation, they will go, you know what? I also, because when someone apologises in the right way, it's not accusatory. It doesn't make so then it doesn't make someone be defensive.

It just makes you have an actually open discussion about the problem. So yeah, the amount of times that, yeah, I've done it right. And I've been like, oh, I've done it right because the other person has been like, yeah, you're right. And I was like, I could have done this better. And you're like, you know, secretly I wanted you said. But also great that we did, I didn't have to like point a finger or, because it wasn't the time then.

The time is just for me to say sorry. If you would like to watch popular 2004 movie Blades of Glory. Oh my God, one of my faves. There's a classic moment of their two rivals of fighting. And then I think one of them punches them in the head or something. And then he's like, I'm sorry I did that. I guess I just feel very threatened about my career and I'm just lashing out at you and that was completely wrong. I shouldn't have done that.

Wow. And the other one is like, that's okay, man. I understand why you're coming from. And I guess I'm just equally behaving badly and behaving like a child because I never was given a chance to grow. It is like a real mad will feral comedy just in case everyone's like, oh my God. That sounds like heart-rending. What's it about? No, no, no, absolutely.

It's really funny. No, but it is just a really nice moment of two men. being like, I'm sorry and I understand why. I see you, but also I see me. Oh my God. And I understand why I behaved like this. And I understand the effect it had on you. And I'm sorry.

What a lovely way to end. Yeah, I'm sorry for if I ever lashed out. Oh my God, me too. I've definitely done that as well. I'm a terrible lasher about her. And I apologize for that too. That's okay. I'm going to cry.

We're all going to cry. I guess. Yeah. So I guess it's, you accept. the wrongdoing, acknowledge it, don't deflect it. Sorry, we give the apology regardless of the reaction, even if there is no forgiveness. We're not just doing this to be absolved. We're just doing this to make it right for us. Yes. The sorry can come at any time and... Doesn't make you a bad person to have done something wrong. Doesn't make you a bad person. It makes

you a good person to be admitting that you're wrong. Yes. Absolutely. Oh, God. Christ. Just like Jesus Christ. Look at my name is Earl, you know? Write down all the things you ever done wrong and go around making amends. That's a great show. You know? I just haven't thought about it. it in a long time but yeah it was on the telly 24-7 it was yeah one day we never saw again we never thought of it again I thought I dreamt it so please do if that was helpful share it about like I said at the beginning share it out on your Instagram your Twitter you whatever and thank you so much say your sorry say you're sorry I for one I'm going to admit that I have been wrong in the past wow I've been wrong loads of time stevie great oh my god bye everyone I'm just gonna bask in this

feeling there'll be some off-air apologies now Okay, bye.