Nobody Panic - How to Ask Someone Out

Episode Date: February 8, 2022

How? How do you do it? How do you tell your crush from work that you'd like to upgrade things to the next level, and the next level is dating? Are they into it? How can you be sure? What exactly do you say? Is it true the only way to ask someone out is to say "I've got two spare ring-side tickets to the Knicks game" like they do in Friends? Stevie and Tessa discuss the minefield of asking the big question.Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Follow Nobody Panic on Twitter @NobodyPanicPodSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The date is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace. It's coming to London. True on Saturday the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September at King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Hey, you look like a cool gal. Shall we go on a date? No, thank you. And that's how you do it. And that's it. Join us next week, everyone, for more hot tips from the love doctors. Welcome to Lodi Panic.

Today's episode is, it's got a love theme because it's Valentine's Day next week. And we don't believe in Valentine's Day, but we are, we do a bit. I don't really think it's something you can be. believe in or not because it certainly happens regardless of whether you think people want up exactly it doesn't matter what you think it's happening we had this suggestion and it occurred to us that and they'd written say I've really checked and you've talked a lot about dating and relationships and love and you've discussed things but you've never done how to ask someone out yes because we did how to flirt but that it wasn't about sealing the deal no we don't know how to flirt we've not talked

about how to go on the date we've talked about all this sort of thing and never have we got to the key question how to actually ask someone out. So that is what this Valentine's Day themed episode is going to be about. And obviously bullet point number one will be don't ask them out on Valentine's Day. So in a way, moot that we're doing it now, but wait a bit. We grew up on a diet of Safe Bullet Bell, of Sister Sister, of That's O Raven. I don't know, but I'm fairly confident that in every single one of those series around Valentine's. Day that'd be a Valentine's Day episode that would involve a card, a profession of love.

I remember thinking, every Valentine's Day, I remember being like, oh, going to school, I'm like, I hope I get a card. I bet I'll get someone will like, you know, reveal their true affection for it. No one ever did or did to anybody else either because everyone would be like, no, that's too much. It's too much. Steve, I've been thinking about meatloaf very recently. Oh, yes. God rest of soul.

And God rest his soul. and what an amazing, like, funny guy he was. And I was really very, very into me, Lofa as a teenager. And still am I. I think he's absolutely marvellous. I think his songs are marvellous. If you don't know, you do a bit, you know, he's a huge big, like, rock, opera, power ballad songs.

And they were sort of written a bit as, like, a parody of what, like, Bruce Springsteen and people like this were writing about, which is this sort of, like, Midwest American town, driving in the car, there's a union strike and people, and there's, like, you know, all this love stuff. And they're writing about, you know, being seven. and like making out in the car, like that things. And I think it's, it gives you this very, like, we give this really, I was like, what's, what successful 17 year old was getting up to any of this and like truly was

feeling any of these feelings, you know? The songs, I think, are written about what it feels like to want all of those things, but never to really happen. You know, I think it's, and again about like the high school, the high school teenagers, the romance happening correctly, like all of the things and the stories and the songs and the stuff are about, are not about the reality at all. sell us. They sell us a dream, Stevie. They do. And the dream isn't real. Well, they're often as well crucially not written by 17 year olds. So they're by definition about written by adults thinking

that that's what 17 year olds do. The whole thing is a lie peddled by liars. And then they're, you know, it's peddled by liars. Whenever you're single on Valentine's Day as well, it's very like, I would always know that obviously every single person wasn't having the most incredible day of their life who was in a relationship. But I would still not. know that and be like yeah but I bet there are people getting like cards and there are people and then if you're in a relationship they're doing like really lovely things and it's and it's and actually when you're in a relationship valentine says like oh right okay it's not an easy fun amazing day it unless it's like your first one and then you're like great and then the next

one you're like okay do we do that again or i mean every day in a way of Valentine's day as in what i'm going out with you all right it gets that sort of thing you're romanticising it. Whatever it is, imagine you're romanticising it because you are and Valentine's Day is no different. It's like what you were talking about on the patron, which you've got to sign up to a patron to hear about it. We were talking about our past Valentine's days,

our worst and our best. I think we've just really talked about our worst ones. But everything is so loaded on that day in that story that you told us like, it's like, oh, God, I feel sick at the thought of what I'm supposed to do, and it's too much. It's too much. Yes.

it's absolutely too much but nonetheless you've got a crush you've seen someone across the bar it's valentines or nay maybe you're recycling back to this one months in the future you like somebody at work

you like somebody at a party you like somebody and you think I want to take this to the next level how are you gonna do it and before we answer that question we've got to do our adult things do you want to do yours it's very simple

I've got wonky well I've always had wonky lower teeth shop doesn't really really bother me me particularly, but they are crossing over at the front and I can foresee that there will be a problem if I don't do something about it now and I'll go, oh, so I'm getting invisaline, but just for the bottom. Well done. Huge. As I, my Invisaline journey comes to finally into its

godforsaken end. I pass the baton to you and look forward to those wonderful teeth. Can't wait. What's yours? Mine is that I have got a very crap under counter fridge freezer Really very poor And then I was like, wait, I can just, I felt very like, I was like, I'm an adult, I can buy another one if I want And I bought, but I was like, what I'm going to do? I made space in the living room.

I bought a fridge under the counter fridge freezer off gum tree for 30 pounds. It's a good, it's a gooden. I made a space and I put it in the living room. And I made that one, oh, actually, it's boring. But I made it into the drinks fridge. Very fun. So that's now it's all got called into it. And then I just did only food in the one in the kitchen.

Why has this never occurred to me before that you don't just have to be like, you're stuck forever with like your white goods, you're able to be. And also to be like, if you would like to put another fridge freezer somewhere, you can. By when I got it on Gumpty, the guy, it was a fridge man. But as he put it in the back of my car for me and then he was like, it's sideways. so you know and I was like you know what and he was like well if they're sideways too long they explode and then he was like best luck and I was like sorry sorry what what and then I was like oh my god it wasn't my fast drive home but I googled it and I was like fridges sideways exploding and then

they were like they have to be on their side for a really long time but it's dangerous to store them upside down because the insides like run or whatever so I did it very safely and I did the like leaving it for a long time before I plugged it in and crucially I live up four flights of stairs and I was like, oh, fuck, I'm never going to, I'm going to have, what am I going to do here? How am I going to get this up? And I got it up the stairs myself. Oh, amazing. And I just felt, I felt like absolute superhero.

I felt fantastic about it. Anyway, so that's my little treat for you all to open your mind to how many white goods you could have in your house. Buy another fridge. Don't stop at one. Don't stop at two. Don't have a two. Get six. One by the bed.

You know, where else could you keep things cool? One in the bed. One in the bed with you. Well, thank you. I loved it. Now, asking. somebody out. May I tell you a short anecdote? I would love to hear it. I was the other day talking to my partner, The Shadow. I don't know how it started, because I just started pretending I was in a

cafe at some point. I don't really know. And then he pretended that he was coming over. And I was like, oh yeah, how would you like ask me out if I was in a cafe? How would you convert that to actual real life going out with me? And he said, oh, well, we'd just be talking. And I'd be like, I'm going to get another coffee, do you want one? And I was like, oh, that is so, like, simple. Wow. But of course. And it sat with me in a very profound way because I think, and it's actually quite interesting

that that was only a few days ago and we're doing this episode now, is there a million ways to ask someone out that you can read about, come here often? So, what does it you do? Hey, would you like to go out and maybe go on a date? but it's so rare that would you like to maybe come out and go on a date is the sentence that you need to say because so much of it is cues and visual and verbal cues and I remember that when actually the shadow did ask me out

it was we were like having nachos and he was like, do you want another drink or? And I was like, yeah, yeah. And then we went somewhere else to have a drink and the verbal visual cue was oh we could we would both like to continue this evening rather than would you like to continue this evening because I would like to ask you out

and it's one of those things that suddenly you are, you're out if you say yes to that nice man saying I'm going to get a coffee, do you want one? You're already on a date and it's happened within that moment and I think that's what is both so simple, deceptively simple about asking someone out and so difficult if you're somebody that isn't hot on verbal visual cues.

Yes, yes, yes. I think that is a huge part of it because so often if you sort of ask somebody their beginning dating story about how did you ask them out and you're like, I don't know, we were just out. Like we were just were out and then we continue to be out.

But I think for a lot of people maybe if you're your crush is in a work environment or something where when you see them you rarely, you don't naturally transition to something more fun. So it's not this, It needs a clear, like, how will I instigate this happening now and moving into the side? And I'll, I'll, I'll soft launch a gentleman on here.

Finally, I've been ready to soft launch this gentleman for, I'm not going to say how long. I've been considering soft launching a gentleman on Instagram, because that's what you've got to do is like, you've got to. You've got to put a little bit of a boy's elbow in or sort of suggestion that you're out. But with who? and or like, you know, somebody taking a picture of you at the beach. You're like, here's something I once did. So this girl's picture at the beach that I thought was with this boy zoomed in on the reflection of her sunglasses.

Like I was in fucking Liam Neeson to be like who was taking the picture of her. Cross-referenced against his Instagram. I was right. Anyway, I've been thinking of doing that. But there is a gentleman on the scene. and a gentleman caller I've been courting me

and I was thinking about how he asked me out and it was we'd met at a day party and there had been a frisson and actually he claims that he left and then he did a cool wink at me I mean that's an oxymoron if I've heard what a cool wink

well exactly but I didn't see the wink so I was like because he just left and like so it really the wink went badly for everyone and he and he he says he honestly left the party and was like fucking smash that wink. Like, wow.

Wow. Look at me go. I can't believe he's left. I thought we had a free small. And then I remember getting in an Uber afterwards. And I was, like, I'm so sorry. I'm in such a bad mood. And then he said, and then Uber driver was like, was your night ruined by men?

I was like, yes, it was. Yes, it was. But anyway, then the next day I got a text that was like, it was really nice seeing you last night. Do you want to go for a drink this week? And like it was that, it was that simple and that casual. And it was just like, the roller coaster has already begun. I'm just saying, do you want to stay on the roller coaster? Yes.

And I'm just saying, do you want to go for a drink this week? In a way, it's like, you'd go for a drink with a friend. It doesn't have to be this like, I would like to formally ask your chaperone. If I may take you unaccompanied, you know. Or, you know, the other side, which is this whole kind of pickup artist style, like, trick the woman into going on a date with you? Yeah. Well, the thing is, if you do in that, then that's just about trying to get laid, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. Going out with anybody. So if you want to actually ask somebody out, the fear of rejection means that you want to think of a way of doing it without actually doing it

so that they can't reject you. But there isn't really a way. So you just have to be as simple as possible. And that actually becomes as painless as possible, because we're all grown-ups, we're all adults. the worst that could have happened if your gentleman caller had text that you'd be like I'm actually seeing someone or yeah um it was really nice to meet as well go out for the I've done it before where I've um sort of got the sense that somebody has done that and is it and it's asking me out and I've gone for the joint I've been like a friend friend time you know and been like we're mates and then that has um you know quashed any, let people down gently without going like, were you asking me out because I don't

want to go out with you? Yeah. It's all about just being as direct as possible and not playing mind games because the moment you start, oh actually there's a hot tip where if you say this and then you say that, then suddenly they're on a date and you're like, well, no. Now you've tricked, we're not going to help you trick somebody into going on a date, you know? Yeah. That's the opposite of what you want to achieve. Like, once I did get stopped on the street by. guy who was doing the, I need to get to a job interview, but I'm late in, please have some money for a taxi. And I was like, oh, where's your job interview? And he was like, really far away. I was like, what's it for? And he was like, secret. I was like, okay, well, I'll book you an Uber.

Let's get you there. So I got my Uber out. And I was like, let's get you to the job interview. And then he was like, nah, there isn't one. And then he went, do you want to go to Nando's? Oh my gosh And honestly I was like Part of me was like Yeah all right Yeah

I'll go to Nantes with you I mean I didn't But like honestly my instinct was like Yeah fair enough Why not But like if you do just wish to like If you want to have sex with ladies I think you just need to be like

Do you want to have some casual sex with me And I think you'd be surprised I'm speaking to the heterosexual gentleman here To be like You'd be surprised how many ladies If you truly put your cars on the table are also up for just some casual sex. Like you don't need to read these books on, you know,

the game and flirting technique and like tricking women into having sex with you. Like a lot of them are also up for some some casual sex. You know, it doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to be a trick. Whereas if you would like to go on a date with someone because you'd sort of like to be in a relationship with them and you think they're really cool and you want to hang out with them more, like that's not the same as this like, you know. Asking someone out.

That's not the same as dates. Yeah. Yeah. It's not the same as the dating, dating for trickery thing, which I think is like a specific. and very lucrative market, you know, whereas actually if you just said to the ladies, I'd like to have sex with you one time,

what do you think? I think you'd be surprised. You'd have some message to you and went, I'd like to have this out of the blue, hey, I'd like to have sex with you one time, what do you think? You'd be like, they've lost their mind. This is what's going on.

You're right. As I say it, as I say it, I regret it. No, I've not thought my thoughts on this completely through correctly. And you're right, I would think, I've slipped through into the matrix. Okay, so let's say, there's put someone in your group of friends and you are working with them or you're at a party or you're already at a thing and it's just this casual thing of like I'm getting another coffee do you want one do you want to go for a drink like what can I'm going for baked potato do you want yeah do you want yeah it's like yeah I'm leaving hey I'm going to go get some pizza do want to go get some pizza should we go to Nando's for lunch that'd be like that yeah it's it's literally it's literally that and it is and yeah if it's in a work environment you're so right I was like I was like I was like

oh my God, how are we going to get these two people out of this work environment and into the bowling alley? But you're absolutely right, Stevie. It's just, I'm going for a baked potato for lunch. Do you want to come with me? Because as well, the reason that as well that that works is that if the other person fancies you, they will, as we all know when we fancy someone, you will do literally anything that person suggests to be close to that person. Whereas if someone goes like, no, I'm going to go, I'm going to go and get a sandwich. It's about like dipping your toe into the water rather than going to struggle with, hello. Like, well, for example, there's lots of, like, suggestions of how to, you know, there's a wine tasting at RICO's next week.

Because I have a great selection. One ago is a genuine, like, suggested. You know, like, see, that sounds like you've read it off somewhere. And then that also opens you up for rejection. And it's too hard too soon. You've got to test out the waters with the baked potato to see if they want to be near you. Yeah, exactly right. Exactly right.

Do you want to be near me? And no amount of, like, but if I just worded it correctly, or if I just worded it correctly, or if I just invite them to the right thing, like, then they'd want to come. It's like, if they don't want to come, they don't want to come. You know, like, there's nothing, there's no amount of, or even if you're like, oh, I'll get them, theater tickets, this thing that I know they love that's really expensive. And then I'll say that they were free and someone's dropped out and then they'll have to come.

It's like, well, then you sort of mean them like, they're like, oh, my God, I really want to do this thing. But I don't want to go with this person, but now I am and now you're in this confusing old pickle. You know, so it's just like easing. The simple or the better, actually, because it allows, it's low. risk, low risk, high yield. Because if someone I really fancied was like, I'm going to go to Nando's for lunch, should we go to Nando's for lunch?

Does anyone else? I would be like, yes, I'm going to go to Nando's with you. Yes, please. I'd like to go, yes. They could say anything for lunch. And I'd be like, yes. Because, of course, they might be like, I don't really want Nandoes.

But what they'll do is, and what I would do if I fancied someone was, you go, not Nandos, but like, oh, maybe like something like this. Or next week, they'd be like, I'll, you know, I'll come tomorrow or whatever. but like you you don't want to shut the thing down because you want to be with them.

I think the, I think that's like probably the most crucial thing about, and the problem with dating and how hard it is is because people sort of expect the other person to be like giving them all these like wild coded signals when actually when someone fancies you, it's really obvious. It couldn't be more obvious. That said, like I do think a lot of people struggle with the, clues and the coats and their stuff and I think that is a really genuine problem I was reading

like a very funny Twitter thread I cannot remember the original context but then other people were joining in with their like basically like missed opportunity thing of like just not understanding what the context was somebody was like I once said I was getting rid of this like porn collection like 70s porn collection or something something like something that wasn't like brutal porn but like something quite humorous the porn thing and this girl and he was like a teenage boy and this girl was like oh yeah I'll take them and when he was went to her house, like, drop them off. She said, do you want to come up, do you want to come in and watch some of them? And he said, no thanks. I've already seen them. And left. And so like, and then he was

like, took me, like, I've been kicking myself about it for years. Like, and it's like, because he was like, did you want to do this thing? You're like, no, I don't. But really, it's like people are offering you to be like, would you like to hang out with me more? And the actual, the thing that they're offering is not necessarily it. They're just sort of, and so I think you've all, you've got to just be open to the clues open to the vibes. Say yes to anything. Someone who fancies. What a dangerous thing to tell people to do. If you fancy someone

and they ask you to use something, say yes to all of it. Of course not. But if someone is asking you to do fun stuff, suggesting you go for lunch, suggesting you go for drinks, seems to always be like organising stuffy. Then they want to be near you. It's the, do you want to come up for coffee?

They don't mean coffee. They mean sex. That is that? Yeah, is that? And then you're like, I don't drink coffee. And then they're like, Okay. Like, where are we going from here? And so it's that thing of being like, and I know for people who are like, how do you all know all these social clues and how am I supposed to read through the lines if you said, do you want coffee? I said, no, I don't want any coffee. Just accept that when it comes to dating and love and whatnot,

that people are trying to just offer you ways to hang out. And the activity is not the important thing. They just want to hang out with you some more. But equally, like, you know, a friend of mine once was like, I don't know if this boy at work who I really fancy like, likes me and we were like, okay, what's the, what evidence have we got so far? And then there was all these, like, texts being like, hey, are you going to the like that after work like drinks thing and her being like, no, I'm busy. And she was like, well, I was busy. And they were like,

he's literally saying, and he's like, but everyone was going to be at the after works drink. That wasn't like. And he's like, he's trying to say, will you be there? Do you want to hang out? Like people are definitely. He's telling, he's telling her that I'm interested. I care whether you're there or not. I care whether you're there or not. Okay. So it does. seem it is tricky than it, you know, to be like... Well, it is tricky, but also at the same time, if you're asking someone out, it's not actually as tricky. And I think a lot of books, articles make it, because it really is the, I'm going to grab a sandwich, do you want one? Arranging for things, if you work with somebody,

arranging for like, you be the one being like, should go for drinks after work on Friday? And then asking the person that you like as well. And then arranging situations that you can, you can invite them to hang out with you more rather than being like, I would like to go on a date with you. Okay, so it's like drinks with people, and then it's lunch, and then you're both getting lunch together,

and then it's dinner, or it's a coffee, becomes a lunch, and then one of you will then move it on, you know? And it will feel natural rather than, hello. However, then you've got things like, there's so many different contexts of asking someone our friends, same.

But what if it's somebody at a house party? and they're a friend of a friend and you actually don't know them and you want to get and you want to convert a conversation into a date well then it is what your gentleman caller did which is the perfect way of doing it really without the wink it's a shame that the wing happened but we'll just go so real shame don't wink but like wasn't seen so discount that from the jury how did you have how did you have your number by the way because that's the other thing of like getting the number is getting the number yeah yes he had got the number at the party.

Yes. So that's... So it was like, yep. It was like, hey, yeah, and it felt very natural. They're like, can I get your number? Like, it wasn't a surprise. It was like...

Often you can pair it with doing something. So it's like, if you're talking about something, it's like, oh, well, give me a number and I'll send you the link to the thing. And then obviously if they don't want to give you their number, that's an excellent cue for you to be like, they don't want to go out with me. Yeah. They don't want to be like, oh yeah, cool. If you, if you, if there's something that you're talking about that would necessitate, that would like, you know, be like, oh, I'll send you, I'll send you that.

Then you, then you get that number. You send them a link. And then afterwards, be like, it was so nice to talk to you. And let me know, let me know if you want to go for, for a drink next week. I'm, I'm around. And then it's, and then it's not, do you want to go on a date? It's like, yeah, you don't need to ever be saying the words, do you want to go on a date? Yeah.

Like, dating in this day and age is simply hanging out. And so you're saying, do you want to hang out sometime? Yeah. And it's just like takes any pressure off it. It's just like we're doing this thing. And it is just like the simpler, the better. You do not need to be going ice skating in Somerset House. You don't need to be serenaded.

You're like, build to that, please, if that's what they love. If the person does not wish to do it, they will focus on the activity, the potato or the stuff or the thing, rather than they're just like, yeah, I want to do whatever with you. Yeah. I was once, many years ago, a party, I was sat on them. It was very much the end dregs of a party early hours of the morning. and whatever had been playing on the telly had, like, I think a music video, whatever, things had been playing on the TV.

And that had now ended, and it was that the MacBook, like, slideshow was going around of, like, the nice nature. And I was sat on the thing with an old friend, and we was just sort of staring at the thing, admiring the nature, and then just saying, like, wow, every time we come on came on, we would, like, be like,

oh, and we were quite drunk, and it was like, oh, wow, nature, like this. And then he turned to me and said, do you want to come to mine and look at some more nature? I was like, I beg your pardon. And I was like, he was like, I just laughed and laughed and laughed. I was like, just like, I was like, what do you mean? I think that's a good way of responding when someone asks you.

I just to laugh really hard. I was just like, and then he was like, well, I just meant, do you want to come to mine and have sex with me? And I just thought it was so, and I was very much like, we've known each other for so long, there's not been a second of Frisson between us for years. And suddenly now it's like, do you want to, do you want to have sex? And I did not. But if I had, and we laughed about it, it was fine. But I enjoyed the play, you know, do you want to come to mine and look at some more nature?

Like, yeah. But had I, had I wished to have sex, had the Frisant been there, I would have been like, yeah. I want to look at the nature. Like, yeah. And any sort of like, there's an after party at mine. Do you want to, like, any sort of like, let's keep this thing going. It's all it takes to transition. And then I'm so sorry to say that like sometimes you will ask if someone wants to come and look at the nature.

And they'll laugh, not necessarily at you, just at the situation. And just about how, like, that's the thing. If, you know, if there truly isn't the free song there. And that's why you don't open with, do you want to come in mind and have sex with me? Just like, do you want to get, do you want the peat potato? Yeah, because you're protecting yourself and the other person as well. The problem is then when you really like someone often you willfully ignore those signals because you're so desperate to, you know, you've created something in your head that is there,

that maybe isn't, that's the problem. Yeah, it's tricky. And so I think it's like, what should we say is our marker for baked potatoes? Like how many baked potatoes or variation? Don't do baked potatoes every time in case they really fucking hate baked potatoes. But how many times? I think if you've tried three low-level ways to keep hanging out with them and hang out with them more and they've sort of not been interested and not just not been interested in

gone like oh I can't but but I can do next week I mean just not sort of like not got back to you yeah not sort of been vague been intentionally vague and they've you feel like you're really push like you're doing the work here and they're not meeting you then that I mean that is obviously a no yeah and that's the problem is because it's so clearly a no but people don't seem to understand even people who say no when they want to have sex with them. So, I mean, like, it's so difficult when you go, like, it's very obvious when you actually look at, sit down and look at the facts

where if somebody, whether somebody wants to see you or not. Not in one baked potato question, perhaps, but three, you really should probably know because they will try and hang out with you if they like you. I'm going to give you three and two bonus goes. Okay, five goes. Five. I'm going to give you five full goes.

Just because, just the, this thread of people misunderstanding the clues, this girl being like, but he, I'm so confused, like just, just to give people the absolute benefit of the doubt. But if you've gone for three and two bonus, then, and truly there's been no uptake, you have to be like, it's a pass on this. And God bless, there's no relationship here, you know, this isn't going to be a thing. It's like, it's like, move on. 500 days of summer where, you know, when he looks back over the relationship and sees that he was driving it and she was quite, vague and not in disinterested the whole time

and he didn't see that and as he was so caught up in what this was and yeah so it's so easy and listen this is two people who have absolutely done it we've had our judgment wildly clouded by what we're going on you know like people have done crazy things in the name of love so don't beat yourself up for for misreading any signals for not picking up on things for for anything but just go into it as open as you possibly can be and that part when your gut twists and you're like, oh, I don't think they like me.

You do have to listen at that point and be like, I'm really sorry, champ. Very good play. You went out to bat, but it wasn't for you this time. And that isn't to say there won't be others, but like, you have to listen. And no amount of like, but if I just got it right, then they were. It's like, I'm sorry this time, no, but please. And also it's often, I think the worst thing is people look at themselves and go, of course, you look at yourself and go, God, they don't like me.

It's the pain. I'm just awful. And so much of it we've talked about. the past and we've touched on that sort of stuff about rejection, which is why we haven't spoken about it too much here in other episodes about dating. But what I find fascinating about dating and matching up with people is often it's to do with, there's a part of it, it's to do with genetics, it's to do with whether your DNA would be a good match. It's just your body is looking for DNA things that would fit often got nothing

to do with you either. Like it's just because, and that's why when people say that for sure, do you think about like, oh, there's just something about them and you can't put your finger on it because when you do like someone sometimes yeah they're not of course they're not always like the most the necessarily even the most handsome people of most beautiful people objectively in the world but they are to you because there's something about them that has attracted you to them that you can't really explain and that works with rejection as well which kind of helps with rejection almost because it's like yeah it really isn't you it's not like your eyebrows your nose and the way that you asked them.

It's, it's, it's, um... It's nothing about that. It's literally, it's like, you know, pheromones are so understood as a concept. As far as we know, it's like, it's a smell only your brain can smell. And so it's like, if that's what you're up against,

like, of course, don't stress that, like, this person isn't right for you. Like, it's nothing you can do about it. And also, you'd be so surprised I once at a party was making a real play for a boy who was completely disinterested. I might as well as been like, baboon presenting myself. Like, everyone had to be like, you need to chill out.

Like, this is. This isn't wild. He couldn't be giving you the signals clearer that it's not for you. And I was like, I was in a very like, well, fuck it. Nobody loves me. Wasn't even point of anything. And then I heard sometime later that somebody at that party, having seen me talking to this boy, was like, why is the love of my life talking to him? And about me, you know, about, and I never really, didn't really, you know, I thought we were just like passing acquaintances.

And yet he was like, there she goes, you know. So like I was like well well blow me it down like look you never know what you know so you just have to keep spinning the wheel Keep spin in the wheel keep gently and slowly asking for baked potatoes Um asking for but do you have a baked potatoes for me please just like inquiring if people wish to hang out with you and and if this has been somebody that you have been admiring your crush for More than a month life is short you've got to ask them for lunch tomorrow you know just do it and And because if they do say, no, I fucking hate you or whatever, you're like, well, what a waste of a month that was. Lucky I didn't spend six months pining after you.

Not a horrible person. And also what a fucking horrible person they are. Oh my God. Can you imagine if I was an original with them? Well, look, it's a minefield, but we've... It is a minefield, but just keep it relaxed. We've brushed the surface of it, the relaxed surface. Take people relax and just know there is no phrasing or activity in the world

that's going to get somebody who doesn't want to be there, you know? And so just be like, oh, okay, okay. In which case it's just, hey, do you want to go for a drink later? Yeah. Do you want to go to Nandoz? I will. I work. Quarter of chicken, mash, corn, corn flakes, please.

Coleslaw. Macho peas, fries, regular, not peri, peri. Then there you go, and that's my full order. Thank you. And I remember that. You're welcome. Hopefully that helped. Please do email us, Nobodypanickpodcast.gum.com.

If you have any more episodes, suggest, shwans. Or at Nobody Panicpod on Twitter. I'm at Steve. CVM, the S is a 5, across all platforms, including TikTok now. Would you believe it? Would you believe? I'm at Tessa Coates, classic use of letters, like an absolute square. You've done the Gmail?

Yes, I have, yeah. Well, then they've got every way they could possibly wish to contact us. By the book. By the book. Come on the Patreon. It's very nice there, and it's saucy, if I may. There's some secrets revealed. Go on in. It's bearing our souls on Patreon.

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