Nobody Panic - How to Be a Good Host

Episode Date: June 29, 2021

Whether you go full Martha Stewart and lose your mind every time you have guests (Tessa), or forget they're in your house and go have a nap instead of feeding them (Stevie), at some point, you're going to have to have people round. And when you do, the number one rule is to Just. Chill. Out. Want to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Follow Nobody Panic on Twitter @NobodyPanicPodSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Excitingly, we are doing Nobody Panic live very soon, Saturday 28th of August. Tessa, are you excited?

I'm actually, I couldn't be more excited. I'm excited to see you in person. I'm excited to see real-life people in person. I'm excited to do a live show. I'm excited to be in the Spiegel tent. I'm excited for the whole thing. I'm thrilled. So please come on down.

If you go to underbellyfestival.com, you can snag yourself some hot tics while they're still available. We'll be there. We'd love if you were also there. If not, no worries, but also please do come. Thursday 28th of August and the speakel tent. It's Nobody Panic. With me, Tessa.

Boop-boop. I'm me. Stevie. Come on in. Ah, take your shoes off actually because I've just done the car. Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, I'm very stressed.

I'm leaving. This is not good. You are not a good host. Goodbye. Today's episode is How to Be a Good host. In this new, as we're all doing stuff. and there's less holidays and, you know, people are having to holiday home and closer to home. We're going to be staying with more people. We're going to be visiting people. We're going to

have people coming around when we haven't been able to have people in our houses for a long time. Getting into the spirit of good hosting. The spirit of good hosting, very apt and very good. I was told by my long-time partner, The Shadow, that's what he likes to be called in the podcast. In a nice way, he was just like, you are quite bad at hosting. people will arrive and I'll be like, hello! And I'd chat to them and then Adam would be like, do you want some water? I'll be like, oh, I didn't offer anything. Okay.

And then they're like, where do I put my coat? And I'm like, who cares? Wear it the whole time. And then he's like, I'll take your coat for you. And then also, you know, like in the lead up, I won't really like get any food in and be like, oh, we've got got any food. We don't want to take away. And it's like, well, why do you just like get some food in in case someone wants some host or something, Stevie. And also, there's just numerous things. And I was like, oh, yeah,

and of course, there was the time when I saw my fat. And to be fair to me, it was the first time I'd seen my parent, be able to hug my own mother for a year and father. They came to stay when it was legal. I just got immediately so drunk that I couldn't do anything. To be fair, everyone did, but I was hosting. To be fair to me. But also as well, everyone did reliably inform me that I said that I was quite by far the most drunk. I was just so excited and I just, I was also really thirsty. The point is I'm bad and then I had a friend to stay the weekend and I was reliably informed by my silent part of the shadow that I was a very good host, very good host then.

What improvements had you made for the following time? I had prepared. You thank God. I had done things like and told them where I lived I had also like yeah I'd thought about it beforehand I'd been like

okay well what stuff shall I just have in so that when they arrive I'm not like should we go to Tesco or no one minds that because I'm always like right so I'm very like and this is and herein lies the issue I've realised that when I go to someone's house or when I go to someone's anything

I'm genuinely and it's not me being like not assertive or not like like I'm just like very happy to do what. So if literally someone arrives and they're like, oh, I'm in the shower and there's no food in the house and we're going to go to Tesco. I'm like, cool, that's something to do. Like I'm very happy to go to go to going to do with it.

Yeah. Or I'll go to testing for you. Who cares? Or like a dinner party and someone like orders in because they haven't made anything. I'm like, yeah, funny. That's fine. So because I'm like literally don't, the bar is very low, I sort of feel that to the other way.

I'm just like, wow, no one really cares. So people do care, it turns out. And the energy that you, You bring, I mean, I suppose one of the positive things is my energy is very later back when people come to my house. It's just like, yeah, hi. But actually, it's nice, isn't it? It's nice for someone to arrive and you're like, oh, I've got, do you like a sandwich? I've got so I've got this, I've got some this. Like, I've got some wines in. And also, you did want to feed me a potato waffle and an egg and a wine. And listen, I loved it. I'm going to say actually that we're going to be bringing two opposite ends of the spectrum to the hosting party. Oh, good. At one end, the potato egg. Come in, where you go?

And then over here, this sort of wildly neurotic. Oh, yeah. Come in, under your pillow, you will find a scroll. On the scroll, on the scroll is your first activity. You then go down the gut and take it. I just pop around to say hi. Yeah, but these are your bouquet of flowers. I looked up your birth months.

these are your flammats. And then people are like, this is an unbearable energy that you've brought, you know? Anyway, listen. Let's do it. Before we get into, yeah, let's do our adult things.

Stevie, my adult thing is that I have got a mint plant. It's been alive now for six months so I can confidently say it's living. It lives outside just in the window box. I looked it up because I buy the plants from the supermarket because I think that's nice. And that's something very stressful about a plastic bag of, you know, the little bags of mint. And also I think you never, you never quite use enough of the herbs when you buy the fresh herbs in the plastic.

And then you've just got rotten fresh herbs in the bottom of your salad, you know, box. So I looked up, how do I keep this thing alive? And everyone, when I talked about... So you didn't say mint? He said, how do I keep this thing alive? And luckily, the internet knew exactly what I was talking about. And lots of people who say like, oh, God, mint, oh, you won't even be able to stop it growing. You'll have too much mint, they say.

And I think, will you? Because that's not my experience of anything. However, you sort of, you take it out of its plant pot. You sort of, it's wearing this sort of, well, a sort of sock, really, in the soil. You'll rip that open so it can live. And then you repot it with all nice compost and stuff in a big pot. So it's got lots of space. And blow me down, Stevie, if the bugger isn't growing.

He's growing up. You are having it. It's mint for dinner. It's mint for dinner. And also then I can do what I wanted, which is I only a little bit of mint. And I go out to my window and I pluck the mint like I'm a fucking homesteader on the prairies. And I sprinkle my mint on things. This is so good. So if you have any outdoor, just a windowsill, it just, it just, then it needs the sun and rain, basically. Because if you're in charge of watering it, that's, it will die.

That's so great. It's so achievable. I had an adult thing that was different, but now I'm going to come in with an adult thing when we moved flat. So my mum bought me two little bay leaf trees. Gorgeous. And we put them outside. And I was like, yeah.

Gorgeous. Love that for you. Love that for me. But also a lot of pain for me. Because I was like, great, what a lovely thing for me to watch wither and die. But then I thought, bay leaves are dried, so if they die, I'll still eat them. Anyway, when outside the other day, I don't water them, my partner does. They are blossoming.

Oh, gorgeous. But I'm still too frightened to pluck it out and put it in. my food because I'm like, surely, surely I can't be that one. Like, surely something will go wrong. Surely I'll do it and it'll be like, oh, then that's not an edible bay leaf tree. Oh, you've poisoned yourself. But it is. But you know, you're just like, I can't have got to the stage where I can pluck a bay leaf and put it in some sauce. Okay, listen to this. I can't. Listen to me. Yes. Listen. You're going to go out with your secateurs and or scissors. Chop like a whole broad, not a massive branch, but a little bit. So it's got like a sprig.

A sprig. A sprig. That's exactly the word. A sprig. Bring that. into the kitchen, tie it up somewhere. So it's hanging... Fucking L. So it's hanging down. Let it dry. But also, and then you can use your bay leaves. I...

Oh my God. Oh my God. I'm going to do this. I'm going to take a picture of it. Tie it with string. And you'll feel so alive. Okay. This is what I'm doing.

The moment we finished recording this podcast, so if you're listening and you stop listening, then you know what I'm doing. I'm so excited for us and our trees. And they're both on brand because they are about you're having people in your house and you're like, look at all my good stuff. Yes.

So we've talked about my too laid back sort of situation when I'm hosting because what I like to do is I like to make people, I like to make people feel at ease. And for some reason that translates as me being like just like lying down on the floor, not asking anyone if they want anything. You're obviously the other end of this, imagine. I'm speaking deeply at length. At length.

About how I've sort of overcome that by being like, oh yes, okay, I do have to like, There's just certain things that I will now do. They've got a little checklist when someone's coming to stay. It's like getting their own towel, have some food in, have some drinking, have some options for things. Like, oh, if you want, I've booked a little place opposite because we've got a pub opposite. We can go there if you like, back and cancel the booking. It's not a problem.

So a little bit of prep beforehand so that I'm then not also inadvertently bringing a slightly wild energy of being like, there's no food in the house and can you come to Tesco with me. And also as well, crucial, very crucial, have a bed that they can. down the bed. Yeah. My energy is basically much like the cooking or the dining or anything that's actually quite out of my control, but I have such a clear image of how it looks in my head. I just desperately want to be a calm and wonderful host and actually none of the stuff is ready or done. This episode was an episode suggestion from a listener called Abby, who wrote in to say, she says some lovely things about the podcast. And then she says, I would love to hear an episode on

how to be a good host or how to have house guests without either making a huge deal of it or embarrassing yourself by being so underprepared. The two ends of the spectrum. I forgot to have a towel for my house guest and since then I went totally OTT, over-scheduling and mothering the guests. It's the Halloween and Pinterest problem all over again, which is her making a reference to my classic Halloween party in which I went so mad that all my guests had to leave. Please, I refer you to how to host a dinner party. It's very funny. It might even be a how to have a Halloween party. I think it's either way. Either or, we probably spoke about it twice. Listen, enjoy. It's in the back catalogue somewhere. But basically, much like Abby, I just, I do, I overdo it.

I am in the, I'm making up a bed and I'm making the towels into a swan. You're prioritising the wrong thing. So it's like, the swan towel design is not. But you're not dressed. You're nude. I think it's out of like this very chaotic energy of being like, here are all these lovely things and be like, who are they? who are they for? Like who asked for this? Listen, on Oprah.com they had in a hosting specialist, perhaps. Her name was Felicity. And she talks about the, you need to change your focus, focus it on giving attention, not getting attention. And that's absolutely my problem. Is like, here are all these things I've done for you. Here's this thing. Here's the towels. Here's the swan. Who are they for? And if you actually change your mindset around to be like, what does this,

this specific guest, not just all guests, but this specific guest need. And then like, so if I was like, okay, Stevie is coming. Specifically, what does Stevie need? Unfortunately, it is a swan made up. Yeah, I do need that. A live swan. She needs a swan famously. She's a vegetarian. So I make sure I've got some really nice vegetarian food in. I make sure, like what Stevie into, she's a very chilled out person and doesn't need focus on activities to click. She just wants to hang out. loves a drink, loves a lovely pale rosé, let's make sure I've got in some nice bits specifically for Stevie,

rather than just being like, my nameless hotel guest is coming, and I must make the hotel ready, because I don't own a hotel, I have friends coming to my house. That's so true, yes. It's like, it's like, it's not, and it's sort of like, you know,

when someone gets you a gift, and you don't do this, but when someone gets you a gift and you're like, that's just like a gift, like, you know, when like a, I don't know, we've spoken about it before, but like ex-boyfriends have given me a gift, forever and like well you've just googled girlfriend present and bought me the first thing

and you bought like scrub scrub collection pamper night or something yeah that i think it feels like you've just taken out your mom's bathroom or it's like an unwanted present from any other woman in your life like it can be difficult but actually with a guest it's it's sort of very similar to when you are like when you are hosting a party and you get so not you particularly but also maybe you particularly you get so kind of like worried about all the elements of the party that actually no one really minds. All the things, all you need is a nice space, possibly a smoking area, if you do have like people that smoke, lots of drinks and ways for the guests to get food. Like, you don't even need to provide the food. Like, you can just have means for the guests to get

food. And so when you see that, you're like, oh yeah, like the best parties I've been to, I couldn't tell you like the candle holders on the table that was like matching their soul. or whatever. I just was like, oh, I had a great time because of really great people and I had some nice wine. Like, you know, like that's kind of all it really needs. If I may give you a thing for the underprepared group. Please. I would like that. For example, I had no preparation. People were just nearby and I was like, oh, come to mine.

And people came to my house recently. And I had a lot of wine in. No further questions. But I don't drink beer. And boys had come to the house. and they were like, have you got any beer? And I was just like so horrified. I was like, no.

Like, I don't have any beer. And I was really like, what do boys like? I was like, tech. Do you want some tech? Do you want to play Grand Theft Auto? Like, I really did. A booby? Should I got a tit out?

I don't have any beer, but I've got a tit out. Will that do? I was so upset about not having any beer because I was like, when people said they were coming, I felt genuinely quite confident. I was like, I've got some things in, I feel all right, people can come to my house. And then I was so thrown by the lack of beer thing. And I saw, you know, in everyone's house, they've got like a corner of like leftover alcohol from previous things where you're like half a, half a flavoured, toffee-flavored gin that someone brought to a house party like five years ago.

You just keep in the corner and you never ever look at. Anyway, I went to that corner and found two warm tiskeys, those like Polish beers that you get from the corner shop. So I presented these warm tiskeys. At which point, the boys left. I mean, they didn't. They were going somewhere else. But I could not, not conflate the giving of the Tiskees and the departure of it. And then other people stayed.

The wine group stayed. The Tisky group left. And I was like, I've failed. And now the house is, I can't move for beer. Beer everywhere. So a thing I've been doing now is like, and I bought Sol. I don't know if that's a nice beer. I just.

I think so. I've seen people drink and go, mm. And it looks. Quite nice. But hang on, so you just bought loads of beer in if you're not having a party. That's correct, Stevie, yeah. Right, okay.

Is this a tip or is you don't do it? Okay. I'm not buying beer just in case someone comes to my house and wants beer. Yeah, no, I'll buy beer when someone is coming to my house and I know drinks beer. Yeah, that's better. That's better. Because otherwise what's next? Like, well, they might want to roast chicken.

So I'll just constantly roast chicken every day in case they want it. Listen. what I've been doing is keeping a box of guest things, which is every time I see that the beer is on sale or crisps are a pound. So basically I've got an entire big box under the bed. That's filled with beer and crisps. Okay, right. Now, do you want to be honest, it's not like the wrong thing to do.

If you've got the sort of house where people pop by all the time, which you very much might have. I want to be that person. Yes. Okay. well what I would say is maybe it's in the middle of... No, well, so, but like, I think it's in the middle of what we need to aim for as the middle. I think you're quite, you've gone quite far your end of the spectrum.

Okay, again, yeah. With like you've constantly got party food in case someone wants to come around for a party. It's not like I'm keeping like vegetables in, like... There is the other element which I think maybe, and maybe I'm going to say something now which is too far my way and that's fine. Okay, yeah, I'm ready. Which is that there is the element that like we can sometimes feel that we literally are unable to pop to the shop that's two doors down if someone comes around.

And of course, you want to aim for not doing that. So like, like you said, you've got wine in. Great. But if someone is like, oh, I should drink, but you're just like, oh, cool, I'll just nip to the shop and grab a couple of cans. And you really chilled about it. Then, then no one feels bad because it's like, because, and then you can do the more, like, I was going to go get some crisps anyway. So I'll just go and pick up some, some, some fresh IPA lagers. I don't know what beer is. I don't drink it either. Then everyone's kind of chill. they've got what they want and you don't have to feel like

you've got to store like things like beer in your bed. Okay, okay. Two things coming up for me. One, you're absolutely right. The shop is so close. I live in London. Two, grew up in the middle of nowhere

so there was no opportunity to pop to the shop. So therefore my instinct is like, is like, hoard. And three, I literally have like evidence I served the warm tiskeys and the boys left the party.

So my thing is like, keep them here. If I pop for shops, the friends might leave. They won't because that would be weird if you weren't there and they just left. So they're not going to. And also then you've made the effort to go to the shops. They will then be more likely to do. Rather than being like, I pulled this out of my ass and it's warm, you want to drink it?

No. Please don't leave. Or being like morphing into like smowl where you're like protecting this pile of beer, beer and crisps like a dragon in case. someone wants to be your friend. You've got to both, like, come to the centre here. And then another friend, another friend, it's here and was like, what are they for? And I was like, guests?

She was like, I have some. And I was like, no. And she's like, I'm a guest. I was like, no. This is just the way in which you've got about the beer and crisps, which is slightly, yeah, amusing. But, yeah. The instinct is right, but maybe I've missed, it's a mister. Once again, the only, the, the, the, the,

The only singular rule of being good host is chill out. Because that's it, that's it. But not too much because I'm too chilled out. So I think there is, you've got your classic checklist. I don't mind that. I don't think anyone minds that. I truly don't. Some people do because they're like, I'm quite thirsty and I've had to go and get my own water.

I don't know. Like, it's a bit like. I don't know. I'd get my own water in your house. That's true, I suppose because I bring that vibe. You bring a vibe. You're like Nando's. You're like Nando's.

You're like, get it. Am I? But am I? I'm asleep. Near you. It's bottomless refills, but you have to get it. And I'm like, I'm trying to be like the four seasons. And I'm a, I'm a Michelin-starred Silver Service restaurant, but no one's there. And I'm like crying. There's no staff. And I, and it's a, it's a crisis.

Tips for if someone's going to stay and there are, because there's often of things where you're like, oh, crap. things like you don't have a towel or also like you're like genuinely we've got in our flat when my parents came to say we're like we don't have a bed if you if you have an airbed great but otherwise our gosh currently have one that is about eight foot tall and you feel like the princess in the pee and it and it plugs in and it goes up in a minute and I would say it's a good end it's a good in if you live in a flat and for example one of one of you will have to be sleeping like on the sofa that separates or like on the sofa cushions on the floor you in basically tell the guests that they're sleeping in in your bed and you've changed the bed all all fresh you can have my

my my bed obviously and if they protest just tell them to fuck off like you they're sleeping in in your bed because because no guest is going to go I demand your bed but they will secretly be like well I'm your guest and I would like a bed please whereas I've in the past been like yeah sleep on the floor and then like what the fuck am I doing so that's because sleeping to you you do just sleep all kinds of place. I sleep the floor, I sleep walking, I sleep in Tesco, yeah. And again, I'm like, I'll be very chilled out about the concept of sleeping. So it does encourage you to be like actively do want to sleep on the floor.

It's a weird. Yeah, so again, you've got to like apply, just like apply basic objective things regardless of your feelings about it. They need somewhere to sleep. They'll need a fresh towel. Tell them where the shower in the bathroom is. Also, have food in, have some drinks in. have something booked in case, in case, and always be like, I think people go too far with the scheduling

sometimes if someone's saying for the weekend, they're like, okay, we rise at dawn, we're going hunting, then we're, I don't know what this person is, but then, then we're going on a walk. I was just a straightforward shooting weekend. Straightforward shooting weekend, of course I know a lot about. And then everything is, because you're frightened of boring your guest and being like, how boring, but I went to my friend's house, she's moved to Dorset, and in a cottage, save for the weekend. just kept apologising for the fact that we weren't doing anything. And I was like, you have no idea how nice a time I'm having.

We woke up at 11. We played some boggle. We went for a walk with the dog. We sat around. Like meal prep took like an hour because like, do you know what I mean? It was just like it's slow. It's easy. It's nice.

The point is that person wants to spend time with you. That's all this is. Unless you've like advertised it as like a shooting weekend. In which case you will have to go shooting. You're almost like. hiding the effort. So it's like, don't make it seem like it's a big effort. Don't make it anything. See, everything's cool. Okay, you do, okay, cool, yeah. Have as many things booked, but optional. Everything's optional. If they rise at 10 a.m. and you're normally a 6 a.m.

rise there. Don't say good afternoon. Like, you know, all of these things are just like, they want to have a bath. Yes. Just be really accommodating and be willing to be flexible. and don't, for example, when I went to my friend's house for a dinner party, she wanted to have it on, the idea was that we were having it on the balcony, and it was raining, so she cried. I'm not saying she's wrong, because of course we all cry and we'll have a throw Benny, I do that more than most people. But like, we could just have it indoors and no one minded.

No one mind. Because she was so fixed that it was going to be an alfresco meal outside. She was crying. And it was like, but we could just eat the pasture at your nice dining table, mate. Like, it's fine. And everyone's fine. Can you not see that everyone else? else is totally fine and you're crying.

And now everyone feels awful. Of what this is supposed to be. But you didn't let anyone else in on that image. So no one else knows this is lacking. Everyone else thinks it sounds wonderful. Duck on the surface, kick like hell underneath of like, it has to look effortless. Otherwise, all your guests are like, oh my God.

If someone's like, you can sleep in my bed. I'll, you know, it's like, no. But if they're like, oh, sleep in my bed, it doesn't bother me. You're like, okay. Like something my mum always does when people come around is she says, oh, we've got everything. There's beer under the bed. She says, like, oh, yeah, we've got everything.

There's white, there's red. What would you like to drink? And they say, oh, what's open? And she always says, like, oh, they're both open. Like, you know, a bottle of wine, as in people are like, oh, don't open it on my account. And my always goes, oh, they're both open. They ain't open, you know?

Like, she's just saying, oh, they're open. Like, you know, they need to be drunk anyway. But they ain't. It's all just about being like, yeah, I'm happy to have you here. Like, none of this is a bother. And it's such a British thing, isn't it? I was all being like, oh, don't open a wine on my account. You've come to their house.

Open the goddamn wine. They bought the wine for you to drink. Yeah, I've gone places with like a nice bottle of something and then being like, oh, don't open it. Like, save it for your good guests. Oh, wow. Yeah, okay. Hell is wrong with you.

Couple more things. Oh, on subject of alcohol, you can never, if you are having people in, you can never have too much. It keeps, just don't open it. You know, you never. As our friend Claudia always says, you never say at the end of a party, like, God, we bought too much alcohol, didn't we? Do top your guests up. Don't just go like, I presume they'll just serve themselves. Because then you'll drink all of it and be the most drunk. And then everyone would be like, why were you the most drunk?

And I'd be like, oh, but we all drank all that wine. You'd be like, no, that was you. No, because everyone else, when their glass was empty, you just, everyone else stopped drinking because there was no more access for them to get the wine, whereas you just kept topping yourself up. Because I knew where the wine was kept and they didn't. I see. Look, we're really unpacking. we're unpacking. And the other thing is, yeah, oh, if people say, I think it's very instinctive, and again, maybe you do or don't do this TV, but people say, oh, can I bring anything or what can I bring? And my instinct, of course, Martha Stewart, is to be like, nothing just yourselves. Everything has been provided for when, in fact, nothing's been provided for and I can't do anything.

It would be... Please bring a full meal. Please bring a meal, for God's sake. I don't really like food. You bring, can you bring your own meal, ideally. No, like, so if people say, what can you bring? Do say, bring a bottle and bring dips and crisps. Do you're going to grips. Don't bring crisps. I've got crisps.

I've got crisps coming out of my ears. No, I mean, that's you specifically, but some people could bring crisps. And again, we're focusing on the specific guest that is coming, as opposed to just generic guest. If that specific guest, you know, likes to bake or likes to do things, or likes to bring pudding, or is into their wine or is into whatever, give them. something that they would enjoy bringing. Someone said to me, bring a pudding, I would be like, you will be receiving a 20 pack of miniature

haggondals and there's no deviation from that because I don't know how to bring a pudding. But if somebody is into their puddings, I know loads of my friends like love to show up with stuff in Tupperware. My favourite thing is bring a bottle because I know what a bottle is and I can bring it. And I think that's like that's what I'm doing. But again, so that's what I'm saying. Like if you know your guest is Stevie and she does not want to bring you a pudding, don't ask for it. Do play to her

strengths. If your friend is a pudding maker of course, please bring that thing. And also like your friend who's wanted she, like, she wanted an Alfresco meal on the balcony and now it's in the beautiful setting sunlight and now it's raining. Like, you do not let your guests know

when you are deviating from your plan. And because things will deviate because that's how things go when you make plans. Things go awry and people show up late or more people come or less people come or you have to go inside. Like, you're, for just the Halloween party or you're hosting things when you had that Christmas party and you did that great like, um, oh, pyramid of Ferreira Roche that were glued together. But then when I said,

could I have one? You went, no! I was like, I'm so sorry. And then I left. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Oh, God. But it's, but you were upset because the, you were upset because the Ferreira Roche, you'd glue gunned it and you could see a bit about, this is not coming from me. This is coming from you afterwards. You were like, it was all wonky and I just was upset. I was like, yeah, I get that. Well, no, I don't. But also, I understand that. Like, that is a hard thing when, because in your head, you're, you're putting on this, like, you know, what's the word, like, incredibly lavish, like, stately home. Like, and you know, like, how many people, like, a whole crew of people go into doing those parties.

And so much money goes into it. And so when you, like, at that point, I don't think you even had a job. No. And no money. I couldn't have bought the Ferreira Roche I'd bought and glued together. Right. And the glue gun. So, like, it's.

You've actually spent money buying a glue gun for a party. So it's that, it's the great between, you mean, and no one minds because everybody, you know, unless you had only invited like lords and earls and barons, which you didn't, you invited people like me who had less money than even you and was just like, I'm, I've got dead maggots in my drawer and like, yeah, I fall asleep if someone comes to my house. It's like, oh, you're also like, whenever we had parties, they were hideous. Like, it was all bagged wine, but they were fun and they were silly. And the thing is, I wasn't.

stressed about them, but I think the guests were. That's why I'm trying to like, because it's just like, you've done nothing here. And my guests are stressed because there's a Ferreiro Roche Tao that you're not allowed to eat. And somewhere in the middle, as always, between us, there's a lovely, happy medium. Yes. I know somebody who went to a party with Taylor Swift once, not her party.

Taylor Swift came to the party. And they either had broken the sound system or, like, the sound system was just being played off, like, somebody's iPod, like in a jar, you know, like that sort of party. or like quite crappy speakers whatever. Taylor Swift sent a text and seven minutes later some people showed up with a like state of the art like DJ kit and sound system and then like people and then like just left it and plugged it in, set up all these lights and left the party. Right. And that's what you kind of want to be. You want to be that person. What I aspire to but I ain't Taylor Swift. You can't do that. You absolutely cannot categorically do that.

And that's, yeah, we've got it all just like come at it from our, you know, you are, the person coming is coming to see you. They're not coming to see a woman from the 1900s who lives in like a castle. Like they're going to see you. Listen, everyone. I hope it helped. I hope that's useful. Chill.

Feels like it's not. The secret is just chill out. Keep one clean towel for your guests. Keep it clean. Do a bit of prep. Like, get some stuff in. If you can, but if you can't, it's okay to be like, oh, do you mind if we just pop to Tesco or I'm just going to nip out and get stuff? You know, stick the TV on or just let them get settled in.

Also, you know, it's okay to have time where you're not scheduling to do stuff because people need to like check their emails. Have a bit of them time. Like, you don't have to be like on them all the time. No. You know, entertaining them like they're a child unless your guest is a one-year-old child, in which case this was not the podcast episode that you were expecting. I'm very sorry. But if it's a fellow adult, everyone's fine to just do their own thing.

It's about giving the attention, not wanting the attention. What does this specific person who is coming to your house actually want? Do they like high octane activities? Do they like to chill out? Be specific. And then for God's sake, for God's sake, chill out.

I think it's chill out, isn't it? Just chill out. Just chill out. It's chill out, mate. Look, hopefully that alleviates your fears. there, Abby. If anything, if anything, as ever, makes you feel better about yourself. Because you're like, these two people are so much worse than I could ever have thought

I could be. So if you're listening and you have any ideas with future episodes, do tweet us at Nobody PanicPod or the email address, Tessa. Nobody Panic Podcast at gmail.com. Separately, I'm at Stoviam on Instagram and Twitter. The S is a 5. I'm at Tessa Coates. So this week, have something to drink and chill out.

Yeah. We'll see you next time. Yeah. I can't wait. Bye. Thanks for having me, Stevie. It's a delight as always. Goodbye. Bye.