Nobody Panic - How to Be a Good House Guest

Episode Date: October 18, 2022

Do you keep your shoes on? What if they leave you alone with their dad who’s silently watching golf? Stevie and Tessa tackle these questions and more, though they do spend far too long on the shoe one as it turns out both of them have deep trauma (Stevie of her bare feet and terrible socks, Tessa on the concept of asking guests to keep their shoes on. It’s a lot) Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded by Naomi Parnell and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Welcome to Nobody Panic. Please come in to my house, Tessa. Thank you so much. Shall I take off my shoes?

Yes, actually. That's very kind of you. Thou okay. Very good. Thau okay. Oh, I'll go now. No, no, she's gone. Very apt beginning, because today we're doing how to be a good house guest. It was a suggestion from one of you lovely listeners. Tessa, hit us with the suggestion. Absolutely. This one comes from Abigail. She says, I was wondering.

after she says some very nice things about us, thank you, God bless you, Abigail. I was wondering if you could do an episode on being a good house guest, capital G, capital H. I know you've done an amazing episode about hosting, thank you, but I often find myself the guest at a friend's house and upon crossing the threshold, immediately start worrying about touching anything,

where to leave my bag, and finding myself in a room without the host is somehow a nightmare. Any advice greatly appreciated? Yes. It is a tricky one. You just don't know what, you just don't know what to do with yourself

half the time. And also as well, I think there are lots of things, like with hosting, which we've done, which is obviously the complete opposite. But like, the idea that what you might be like,

that's fine, might make someone else feel uncomfortable. So you, and it's similar to, if you live with someone and you spend your whole time being like, that was fine. And then you realise years later,

oh my God, I made a massive faux par, you know? So it's kind of good to know the sort of general etiquette, I think. what you think you, at the time you thought it was fine, then years later, you think, oh dear. I think so, yeah. Well, like, when we were talking about how to be a good host, and I was like, I've realized during

that episode that when I host, I'm like, yeah, I don't know, whatever, like, do whatever you like to try and create a kind of chill out, chilled atmosphere. But actually, people don't feel like they can, for example, ask for a cup of tea. You've got to offer stuff, whereas I don't really offer, because, oh, now I do. But for a long time, I'd just be like, well, if they want something, they'll ask us, because, you know, it's chill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But people don't know it be chill.

So you've got to like, so with house guests. It be chill. You're also right. Yes, you're absolutely right. Though I think you're a fine and amiable host. I think I'm better now, but the shadow, my partner did have to continually be like, when people come around, you have to say, do you want to drink a glass of water? You have to say that.

Because the amount of times, like, he would come in. I'd be like with a friend of you, for example, or my parents or sort of friend. And he'd come in and go like, does anyone want a glass of water? And they'd be like, oh my God, yes, I'm really thirsty. And we've been tired of her for an hour. Right. Yeah. But that also maybe is the first tip of being a house guest.

Do not feel like you can't ask for things like a glass of water. It is lovely to have somebody in your house who's like, this is what I want, please. And you're like, oh, yes, let's do that. Because I think often you say, what would you like to drink? And they say, what have you got? In case you go tea and they go, we actually don't have any tea in there. Well, it's such a, I recently saw. The lovely comedian, Esther Minito.

I've never seen her before. She was so funny. She is married to a British husband. She grew up in Britain, but she is half a Lebanese. And she was talking about bringing her husband to Lebanon to meet her family for the first time. And that they said, like, what, they said, would you like a coffee as soon as he arrived? And he said, only if you're having one. And her family were like, what?

Why? And when you break it down, you're like, what an insane thing to say. I will not drink anything unless you match me. And also you drink it. You know, and like her whole, her grandma, like, endlessly bringing him food and being like, please. But I don't want. I'm not going to eat. Is that okay?

It's like being like, will you like seconds? Be like, only if you're, we have, only if you're having seconds. It's a tense thing to say. It is mad. And it is, it's so British and it's so bad. And, uh, you know. The fact that we feel strange going into someone's house and saying like, you know, could I possibly have a tap water out of your tap that's free?

When people come, my mom, people say like, often they say like, is it, what's open? You know, if you're offering a wine. Yeah. And then my mom always says, like, if it's not open, it soon will be, you know? Lovely way to put it. A way of being like. That's, yeah, it will be open. Everything's technically open.

Everything's technically open. It's just yet to be open. But it's like, your wine isn't, your wine. Like, it's not like this is a hundred year old thing from the cellar that we happen to be enjoying now if you would like a glass as you happen to walk in. Yeah. It's like, also, that is the host, that is an instance where the host has offered you something.

The host would not be offering you some wine if they were like, oh, God, I don't, you know, I don't actually want them to take, take me up on it. We're now in a situation where even when the host says, would you like this, you feel stressed. So I've started, we'll get into the adult thing of the week next, but I've started really saying in my head when someone offers me something, like they wouldn't offer me if they didn't want me to take it. So rather than being like, oh, like if someone goes,

would you like some wine? Then caveat it by being like, only if it's open. It's like, you don't need to caveat it. They've literally offered you a thing. Just go, yeah, yeah, that'd be great. Anyway, let's put up on. Number one. Say what you want. And listen to our voices in your heads just going,

they've offered it to you for a reason. Yeah. Just seeing how annoying it is when someone comes around to yours and says like, oh no, nothing, thank you, I don't mind. Or whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Sushi.

But as soon as someone comes and says, oh, I'd love a glass of what you're like, thank God, I have a task, I feed you, I'm your host. Here we go. I feed you the water. I feed you the water. Let's pop a pin in this and just sort of relax, take some deep breaths.

I've got actually a sore back from this first section. The anxiety of it all. Because also we're being very like, do this, do that. I do all of the things that were saying you shouldn't do. Let's do what's the most grown-up thing, most adult thing we've done this week. Regular feature, in case anyone's just started listening. I found someone messaged me today saying that they're a very new listener. And the first episode they listened to, they got them in, how to understand what a wall is.

Yes. And they said, I knew that was the episode for me. And they've been listening since then. So look. But did they search walls? I didn't ask. I just said Tessa would love to know that. And she said, I'll send her a message on Instagram, so I thought I'd tell you directly, because you'll never read it.

It's definitely the one. Thank you so much. They've sent me a message on Instagram, have they? Probably, yeah. Oh, no. Not from Grandma. Yeah, that's fine. She won't go there. Grandma doesn't understand.

She doesn't look. It has got the most love of people writing about it quite a bit. Yeah, yeah. I've got a lot of messages. It's a great episode. Anyway, right. Most adult thing you've done this week, Tesla. Well, I suppose it's a wall.

You've got, you're hands covered in paint. Yeah, I suppose I should address the fact that I arrived and see, oh no. What's that? What's that? I thought something bad had happened. Yeah, they are. Because basically, if you look at one, it was one singular pinky was out. And I was like, oh God, it looks like some sort of medical emergency.

It does, yeah. But then the whole hand, obviously, it's paint. When you spanned the hand span, it was quite clear. There's paint everywhere, but there's also paint in my hair. Yeah. On the boobs. All over my knees and thighs. Jesus Christ.

I was painting in my shorts yesterday, so it's all, it's absolutely everywhere. Right. I painted a bit. Yes. And I thought. about putting down newspaper but didn't. Right.

And it was a mistake. Have you done the floor already? Yes, Sue. It's all right. It was important point, water-based paint. What does that mean? It means that you can get it off the floor.

A little bit of spirit. No, you don't need spirit. White spirit is pure alcohol. The smell of it when it, you know, that's for an oil-based paint. So that's what you need to get that off. But a water-based paint will come up with just water.

What's the point of painting your wall the water-based paint? Does it not just come off? As soon as it rains. Well, you wouldn't use it outside, but inside you wouldn't... If you spill a bit of water, you'd have to really... I've thrown... I've thrown beakers of water over walls. It wouldn't just drip... No, no, no, no, sorry. It wouldn't just like, with a lot of scrubbing.

Okay. Oh, got it. A microfiber cloth or something. Oh, you need that microfiber cloth. Oh, baby. So I have got all the paint off the floor. But when I was doing it, I was crouched on the floor and I thought, I'm going to tell the listeners about this tomorrow. And I'm going to say, um, do put the newspaper. down. Listen to the little wizard on your shoulder saying you're going to want to put

news paper down. Well, that's the thing I thought like, sometimes I, as an attempt to be better at things, I've been pretending I'm like on Blue Peter. And I'm, people are watching and I'm showing them. And you're not putting newspaper down. That's the conclusion. No, but I did in that time. I thought, come on, come on.

If you were on Blue Peter, of course you would say, we make our area tidy, we move everything. You know, you don't just climb over the telly. Did you not move any of your furniture or anything? No. Oh, does. It's all right. Nothing got on and anything. But I did, as I was climbing over the telly, I was balancing quite precariously to get something. And I was like, I think if I fall now and I fall and I die, and the television comes down as well.

And when they find this crime scene, everyone will be so angry with me for what I was doing. I'd be furious at you on the podcast with the new host I'd got in. Yeah, right. Forget her. Just forget her. She was so cross with her. Seven years of doing this podcast and she doesn't figure it out. Yeah.

She'd move her, clear her workspace. And then she straddled the television. television and balance on the chest of drawers like a fucking moron. Anyway, so it was a quite, it was an important moment and I will now, going forward, be taking care of my workspace. That's so... Go on. What's yours? Mine's very simple. I think I'm going to tell you, and then I might suggest that we do an episode about it at some point when I'm further down the line. It's quite specific. I have booked by civil, civil partnership.

Oh my God. Yeah. So not the... Don't worry. You'd know if it was the party that everyone's being invited to. This is just me and my partner, the shadow. Going to the town hall. Going to a town hall. Do a registry office.

And one of those moments where you go, I was like, I'll sort that out today and was like, I don't even know what it is. And how am I supposed to do? I can't do this. I'll wait until he comes in. I was like, hang on, he doesn't know how to do this either. And also absolute, you know, real,

real stupid people can get married. Come on, Stevie. So then I just googled it and then figured it out and then was like, oh but do this. And I was like, just call them and ask your questions because that's literally what they're there for. So I just called and worked out that it's actually quite simple. But then within one phone call,

I was like saying things like, well, we've given our notice. Now I've got to like book the venue and Thursday. And you sound like you know what you're doing. Oh, look. It just takes one call. Like with everything, you Google something. You call the person and then you know what you're doing.

10 minutes, say you're an expert. Yeah, absolutely expert. So what I probably will do is maybe, it'd be good to do like a little episode on it at some point where I can be like, don't do that because you'll pay twice. Oh my God, how exciting. I don't know anything about it. Anyway, right.

Oh, well. More on that. On this happy occasion. Is that a big occasion? How to be a good house guest. And perhaps from there, you go and stay with somebody right afterwards. Perhaps we do. Perhaps you've got a little travelling honeymoon or something.

A travelling mini moon. And you're like, oh, I know who we'll go and see. A moonlit. A little moonlit. And you're like, oh, we'll go and see Antichan. Go see Ante Janet. She's a great host, but I'm a terrible house guest. What are you like as a house guest?

I think I'm all right because... I'd say that. Whenever you've come around, you're quite chill. You may err on the side of like, whatever, maybe. Definitely. But you are very nice, nice to have you. You do the same thing as me, I think, where you sort of like don't take your bag off.

Right. You know? Just the backpacks on. Yeah, yeah. And then that's the only thing that I feel like we're very similar. Because often I'll go to someone's house in an hour and I'm like, they'll be like, are you staying? Oh, right.

I've done the thing where I've just sat in my coat. Well, it's not obvious where to put your coat, is it? Yes, which is number one. I'm very polite because my parents really drilled into me, like, when you go to somebody's house, make your bed, clear the table, you know, do the dishes. Even if you're not staying over, just make a bed. Just go into their room, make your parents' bed.

Put a little truffle on the pillow. I mean, like, don't invite that girl from school around again, please. She's got truffles in her pockets. She's a nightmare. I mean, my little maid's car, just doing all the bedroats. No, if you've gone to stay the night at somebody's house, You know, you make the bed, you clear the table offers, you do all this stuff. And so I was just very focused basically on being like a live-in maid.

Yes. And not really on being sort of like good company. And so it took me... You just get that you silently start hoovering. Yeah. I don't know. I was so... That's what they really focused me on.

But I suppose as a child you don't focus on being sparkling company and asking for what you want. You know, it's about like being polite and well-behaved. But I understand the anxiety 100% of like, where do I put... Well, the first thing, maybe if we go through it, chronological... Absolutely. The idea that we both keep our coats on is the where to put your coat thing. It's so funny, isn't it? Because, like, I mean, I still do it. And I was just thinking then, what actually could you do in that situation? It's like, you just say, where can I put my coat?

Where should I put my coat? Where should I put my coat? And then you put it there. Because no matter where you choose, somebody will be like, oh, back in the hall, is it? Or you'll just watch them. And actually, I don't, that's the other thing as well. I don't, like, when someone comes and, like, pops their coat on the chair, I know that we've got a little cupboard that has coats in.

They don't know that. So I'll, like, take their coat and pop it in the cupboard thinking, that's fine, not realising that in their head, they're probably going, oh, my God. Oh, my God, I've got it. I didn't put the coat in the cupboard. And, like, how would you know? You know, but also when your house guest, just immediately, I think the first thing you say after high is shoes on or off.

Yeah. And I really do that very badly. I will, because I don't really care about the shoes on or off things. I've got wood floors and a rent. So it's like, I do that and I will walk in and then someone go, oh, do you mind taking your shoes off? And you immediately started off on quite literally the wrong foot. A nude one.

And it's the wrong foot and the foot is dirty. I think similarly grew up in a house in the countryside. Everyone was just constantly tracking mud and an animal into the house. So like there was no way it was ever going to be a shoes off household. I would have thought the opposite. I would have thought because you're constantly tracking mud and an animal, that everyone's constantly in the country taking their shoes off. It's very aggressively.

it's weirdly, no shoes up the stairs. So that's the thing. So there is this like, don't track the mud up the carpet stairs, but the crossing the threat. Free for all. Because the kitchen was always stone floor. Or stone or, I don't know. Granite. Granite.

Is it just the earth? Soil, a dead animal. It's just soil. Yeah. I don't know. So like the ground floor was all like, you just, no, never cross anyone's mind, I think to take their shoes up as soon as they crossed the door.

But I wouldn't have then gone up. Then I'm quite like, don't I get the shoes upstairs. That's how vulgar. So you've got, I think, whatever age you are now, I'm sorry, but the door has closed psychologically for you about what you feel about where shoes should and not should not go. Yeah. If someone says, oh, it's actually shoes off, don't answer back. It's fine on the ground floor, but I would never track them up the stairs. Exactly. Exactly. It's such, you don't have to explain to people what your personal line on shoes is.

Nobody gives a shit. But you, whatever yours currently is now, you just need to recalibrate it all the way to the front door. Absolutely. Shoes on are off. And then you don't start feeling, oh, God, I've done the wrong thing. I think, shall we say, it's simply shoes off. Oh, maybe, yeah, okay. Because if it's shoes on or off, it's a bit like when you're on a date and the bar lady says to the person paying, you ask for a gin and tonic and then the bar lady looks at the person paying

and says single or double. And then it feels, I mean, it's not really the same, is it? But it has this, like, I'm trying to work it out. You know, it has this, like, slightly passive aggressive edge of like, there's no right answer here. puts the on the host. Yeah, either you say single and you look cheap or you say, like, double and you're a drunk.

But shoes on are off is like, I wouldn't say that's a judgmental quote. Because if it's off, you're like, okay, fine. If it's on, you're like, all right, fine. But I think it has some stuff around it. Interesting. Okay, yeah. Because if I say, oh, and I keep your shoes on, I look like a pig. The thing is, oh, right.

The thing is that, keep your shoes on. If I say, keep your shoes on, please. But if I say keep your shoes on, well, okay, I'm coming at this from, also the entire episode is going to be on this question. I'd say the most pivotal question. We haven't even across some time. Yeah, I'm still outside. We're outside waiting to come in and discussing when the door emotionally closed for you on shoes on or off. The issue is that I will often, not actually, you know what, less often than I used to, but throughout my entire 20s, when someone said to me, can you take your shoes off, I'd be absolutely fine with it, but I'd have this flash of panic of like, am I wearing the sock

where my toes poked out? Yeah. Or what if when I put my sock on this morning it was fine but now it's not? Or what if like

I don't know it's a hot day and I'm like now my feet smell and I feel really embarrassed. So if I'm wearing stilettos or something but if I'm wearing like

you know comfy trainers or something and I go shoes on or off and they go oh you can keep them on that's fine that's kind of a relief sometimes for me

because I get very stressed about shoes off situation sometimes oh my God especially if I'm wearing like heels and I'm not wearing socks and I haven't painted my

toenails or they look like gnarled wizard's feet. You're a little hobbit feet. Because I actually hate my feet. Right. Okay. Whereas you're, you would be barefoot every day. Like, you're very happy. You've got very nice feet. They are elegant.

Extremely long, like an Edward Gory drawing. They're absolutely grotesque. The longest feet you've ever seen. No, mine are longer. I'm in size eight. Like, I've got arms and fair and elegant all that. Yeah, they've lovely. And yours are like a hobbit. Oh, God.

Right. So yeah. I've got man feet, right, right. We're still waiting on the doorstep. Can we say shoes on our off? The host answers the door. Yeah, I go, shoes on our arm! No, we look straight at their feet without looking them in the eye. We match them.

We match them. Okay, I'm going to push back on this. Push back. Who wears shoes in the house where they live in it? You don't walk around in your own house. You don't get up, put shoes on and just walk around the house. So I just think, look, I feel like if you really put yourself in this situation, I'm coming around to your flat

I go, is it shoes on or off? Do you feel attacked? Genuinely? Absolutely not, but when I say, I'll keep your shoes on, I do feel like a pig. Okay, well, we can't, we can't, right. We can't resolve this. Also, if you just arrived and took your shoes off immediately and got your feet of me.

You know what? I would then be like, oh no, shall I take my shoes off as well? Hang on, wait a minute, you're the host and you're in shoes. I'll often got my shoes on, yeah. Right, okay, so we're getting into, basically, God, it's a mind-filled. It's possible that we've brought too much more on your own. Okay, so nice and casually.

Okay, everyone. I hope this is helping your anxiety. Jesus, no, it's not. Okay, so you get to the threshold, you say, hello, should I take my shoes off? No, no ulterior motive, no energy to that, nothing else going on. You're not crying as you say it.

You check what, their vibe. You check if the floor looks like it's like a white, you know, marble floor, or if it has more of just a bare floorboards, Victoria. You know, is everyone walking around in those blue little museum, you know, things that they put on you. Are you in a museum?

Are you in a museum? You know, so just style it out, but try and do it with no of this panic that we've brought you. No. It simply doesn't matter. Nobody cares. No one's thinking of. Unless it's, unless they do care. But even though you'd feel like a pig, I think for a second,

you probably would feel fine. Whatever energy the guest brings, the host feels. So if you go, in shoes on our off. Oh, Lord. man, Hobbit feet! Yeah. That's immediately bringing too much energy.

If the host goes off, but I feel like a pig, I don't keep them on, but I feel like a pig saying that, that's weird too. That's weird as well. So everyone just say what they want. And if you feel that you go like, it's all right if you take them off, if you take them off, that's fine.

So like the host, whatever the responses, whatever the questions, and this is a theme running through this entire episode, it's at face value, it's nothing, there's no weirdness going on underneath. It's simply a question. You get the energy, you give back.

Yeah. And what will be giving out as guests is casual, calm, assertive confidence. Casual, calm confidence. The three Cs. The three Cs. The three Cs are being a guest. Right.

We've crossed the threshold. We've crossed, right. So we're going to be presuming that you're staying with... We're staying the night. What will you've brought with you? My overnight bag. Your overnight bag. The overnight bag is going to have your toiletries.

So you're not going to presume to be able to use their toothpaste, their towel. You're going to bring... Because, of course, they may have towels, but, oh, Lord, what's happened? They've had a, they've had a big day, and they haven't been able to provide the towels. Now, they're freaking out. So you bring a small towel. You bring your own toothpaste.

You bring all the stuff that you need, and don't presume that they'll be able to provide you with anything. Because that's, like, just a nice base level. If, however, they say, here's your towel, and it's clear they've made a swan towel. You don't go. I've brought my own towel. I don't need a swan. You just say, oh, my God, absolutely lovely. And you simply move, you know, all they wanted was you to say their towel look lovely.

They don't really care if you use it or not. Obviously, they'd rather you didn't, you know, rub your butt on their, on their swan. No, again, don't. But you just say, no, no, this is the whole thing. If they've given you a towel, you can use their towel. You can use their towel. You don't feel bad. I went to a Premier Inn recently and felt bad using their towel. What the fuck was I doing?

Yeah, right. They provided the fucking towel. They provided the towel. I thought, I've only been here for one night. I shouldn't be using three towels. I'd got out the shower. I'd put one down, one from my body. I'd wash my hair. I needed to use the third one on my head.

Felt terrible. No. It's there for your usage. Use the goddamn towels. Dismantle that swan. Okay, so you've got your bag on. Yeah. And the first one we're going to say is, where shall I put my bag? Where should I put my bag? Perfect. Well, yeah. And then they go, here, here. And then, oh my God, you're in, you're part of the family.

You're in. You're part of the furniture. You're in. Do a shit on the floor. You've shut on the floor. It's perfect. They're cleaning up with their show towel. It's perfect. Where shall I put my back? If they say, oh God, I don't, oh God, I'd be like, not to worry. Shut, you know, if their, if their energy.

They don't know where you can put that your coat. You're going to have to take control of the situation. You take control of the situation. Where do you put your coats? I can't imagine anyone would go, I don't know. Well, me currently, but only because the house is such a mess, I don't know where anything goes. That makes sense.

You know, but so right now I'd be like, but I'd say balance your bag on that builder. On that builder. Seabield carry it around for you. But yeah, they must know where to put it in your room. Let's put it in there for you, you know? So it's, next number two, where should I put my bag? Then the host will probably offer you some stuff. Yeah.

So the shoes are off, the coats down, the bag is down. You know, so we've been dealt with it, where to leave my bag. Wherever the host says after you ask them. Yes. You know, we're asking questions. We're constantly asking questions. C, C, C, Q. Calm, confident. Collected?

No, that wasn't it. What was it? Oh, okay. I think it's collected. It wasn't. And then Q, questions. Yeah, fine, fine, for fine. That was.

Oh, it was actually calm, confident and assertive. No, it can't have been. We've called it the three Cs. Cool, calm, confident, and collected. Four Cs. And you're trying to remember them all? Where's your bag? Okay, great.

You put your bags down, the coat's down. We've dealt with the hallway. Frankly, we've absolutely fucking smashed that. Now you're going to compliment their house. Oh, C, compliment. Always. Even if, even if I've arrived, the builders wearing my coat, the host has got upset because they feel like a pig saying,

keep your shoes on. And there's nowhere for me to sleep. What are you going to say is like, oh, I love what you're doing. Genuinely, my parents had to build their bed on their arrival. With a flat back, found it. I'm going to go on bed. Compliment. Compliment straight on.

So you're going to find something. I think Vatara would probably be like, oh, lovely windows, bringing in a lot of light. Or so what are you doing? Are you knocking this through? That's going to look great. Like, just one little. In fact, actually, I did it to my friends flat the other day and he called me up on it because I went, this is lovely.

We haven't even gone in yet. Yeah, exactly. So I definitely remember going to collect a sofa of free cycle And weirdly, I was so actually going to this woman's house That the moment the door even opened a crack I went, what a beautiful home! So to be, see those are coming last, dealing with the hallway, the bags are down

And now we're phasing in the conference. Yes, now are you taking the scenery. Are you actually taken some time to admire And the compliments are real? Yes. Real and true. And to be aware as well, because obviously we're giving you all these things to say,

the host will now, you know, be responsive to what the host to say so the host might now offer you something and when they offer you something you know it sounds crazy but like we were saying before take it like you don't don't only say that you will take it if they also have one in that situation i'd be like okay no one else wants to drink okay no one else wants that sort of drink okay so i won't ask for that it's like no like if you want one and it's same thing with you know things like food and stuff if if the host offers you a snack but they're not really eating but and you're hungry to be like yeah great

Thanks. That would be lovely. I think what's always nice is that the host is always going to have certain things in. Like, obviously, unless you know that they're not because they're relevating, in which case you can be like, shall we order in? Or it's just an idiot. I've never been able to do it. It's absolutely fun.

But being like a bit of toast or like you've got some yogurt, like anything. An old iceberg lettuce. If you've got an old iceberg lettuce. Because if you get the ball rolling and then the host kind of knows the vibe of what you're after. But if you do want, like, you know, if you've been traveling to see them and you and, you know, the travel. train didn't have the little trolley and you're really hungry. You don't feel bad saying like, yeah, I wasn't able to eat. Like, is there, is, is there anything simple?

And then if you say, is there anything simple, the host goes, great, okay. And then the host will just start offering you the things that they have. And then you can pick from that selection. Yeah. If they're offering the things, have it. If you truly don't want one, don't have it. But maybe there's a something else that you would like. So they aren't constantly being like this, this, this, this, this.

I once, years ago brought a friend to a large, family do thing, then I had to leave them there. And they were doing, I went off both and they left them to do some work in the, I don't know. And I was like, just so you know, my family will constantly offer you things. And it will be easier for everyone if you just accepted the first one. Okay? So I just have whatever they come in with. Throw it in the bin if you don't want it.

And just keep tipping it into that pot plant. Yeah. You know, he's got an apparel spritz, you know, on the go. And I was like, you don't mind it. I was like, no, I hate them. But I was offered it. Then I'm like, because if you stay like, no, thank you don't want it. And they're like, well, tea?

Cod coffee? What can I do? Water. Go for a tap water. Because we always need to hydrate. So if you don't want to think, get a tap water. So just accept the love that has been given as a host, receive it, take it, have it, just have, you know, have the apparel spirits throw it away.

Next on her list is finding myself in a room without the host. One of the best phrases, I think, if you're staying with someone for a few days, or like a week or just one night, and the host that you know is not there and maybe like, I don't know, their dad's there or doing something about it. I think that like a really good phrase is like, so what we doing? You know, like, so like walking in, someone's watching a film, what's this? Like, if someone's like in the kitchen making something like, can I help out? Like, I think giving yourself, making yourself useful or just joining in with what the person is doing is like the kind of key to like most awkward situations.

Because then you join in watching the golf with their dad. Yeah. The brother is like, I don't know, fixing something or. playing something or on like and you and you just ask what what they're doing and then immediately you're just like part of the general group situation and I would say this is a good point when we're like you've your food you drink you ask for your things but then if like someone's just watching the golf watch the golf with them yeah amiable they'll they'll hand you the channel flicker and be like watch put whatever you want you're like I don't really care this is great I'm happy just to hang out

yeah what was like once I uh I went to my about 15 I don't know where all my family had gone but everyone was out and I've been left to fend for myself. It's like home alone. I know. I was, I know. You're 15. It was 15. I was only going for a night.

Anyway, I don't know where everyone was. I had been left with food to cook for myself, but instead I walked quite well to to somebody else's house in the village. And I didn't call it ahead or anything. I just showed up at dinner time. Number one, don't do that. Well, they've no missing someone's born. I'm joking.

That's fine. They have children in my age. Everyone was out, except for the dad, who I have known my whole life. And he was like, hello, are you hungry? I was like, yes. So he gave me spaghetti bolognese And then he was watching the rugby or the golf or something And I made us watch mean girls

And he talks about it to this day You know? So it was nice And then after I finished my spaghetti I went home And then he finished mean girls on his own So funny It was on the telly and he finished watching

But like So I think it You know you don't have to be like I want to watch this now There's no film or thing or unless it was like Oh the Wimbledon final is on right this second or whatever, can we just finish watching it? There's nothing on the world that's going to be as good as just being like,

oh, I'm happy to do whatever we're doing in this house. So don't stress. And if, and, you know, just join in. And if they all do leave you there, that's sort of fun. I mean, how long they're going to leave you? Don't stress about being alone. It's fine. Just sit as though you would in your own house.

Yeah, get your laptop. When you've arrived, you've probably got, like, your phone or a laptop. Just, like, use the time to do something if you're on your own. You don't have to, like, start tight. I think it's weird if you start, like, tidying or, like, like, Like you're cleaning their house and they're not there. Obviously don't like use their laptop or use, like, you know, pick up those things. But like keep yourself busy and it's not weird to read a book of theirs.

Like that's not weird. Unless it was in the living room, don't go. And I think one of the things is don't go into people's bedrooms when they're not in. No. Because that is weird. Yeah, there's very like there's very little that you can do, I think, that is terrible. And when the host has left you to your own devices, they will definitely say like, help yourself to whatever's in the cupboard. And then what will happen is you will sit there for

eight hours and not and staff. And you actually can help yourself to something in the cupboard. Help yourself. That's what they're asking you to do. Do it. And they will feel really, clean enough after yourself, obviously, make sure you do that. But they will feel really, it's a nice feeling to feel like you've had, because they will have got stuff in, especially knowing that you're there, to feel like someone's made use of it and they haven't just sat there feeling upset the whole day. No, they want you to have a nice time. Have a nice time. And then, like, and I would say, yeah, it won't feel passive requests.

If you do the tidying, people will appreciate that. Like, obviously don't tidy rooms that you're not in, you know. Yeah, tie up to yourself. Yeah, rather tidy up their stuff. But also, like, you know, if there's been dinner, do the dishes, put the stuff away, like, clean stuff up. Dishes is a good one to do. If you've been there this the night, you are the guests. Like, it's not really on you.

But if you're staying there for a little bit, like, obviously just be, like, a functioning member of the household. Yeah, offering to pitch in for groceries as if you stay more than, like, two nights, I think is a good thing. Tom Coates's favourite, uh, day. fish rule. What's that? The dead fish in the house, one day, a bit of fun. Two days, starts to smell. I remember this. Remember the fish? Because I just, I fundamentally cannot get my head around how one day of a dead fish is a bit of fun. I think the phrase is actually just like, it's fine. I don't know. I think the phrase is just like having a guess is like having a dead fish in the house after three days it starts to smell. I don't think there's a clear reference

on day one bit of fun. Right. Sure. Okay. That's actually the only bit that I didn't understand. Okay, I understand that. Yeah, yeah, it's just, it's there because the dead fish, you presumably are going to eat it within three days. But after the three days, yeah, you're like, I'm, you need to throw this fish out. But if our dead fish started paying for groceries, I'm happy to keep your dead fish. It's not as I'm not a dead fish. And so think of the five Cs and never forget them. And the Q and the W.

Where is my coat? See? See, again? Yeah, coat, calm, cool, collected coat. Compliment. Complement. Q for questions. Yes.

And obviously it's etiquette to send a handwritten note after you have left. But I think the modern version, if you're not a sort of 1900s aristocracy, is I think it's always nice to when you leave, leave a little, like if you've got a little gift, if you've stayed there for more than one night, like a bottle of wine or something, and a little, find a poster or a piece of paper and write a fun note. Leave it on the bed that you have stripped for them. Oh, gorgeous.

And all of the stuff folded up and all of the things. things kept nice so they'd have to strip, strip the bed for you with the towel that you've used on top and then your bottle of wine or your chocolates or whatever you've like thought ahead to buy and a little note saying thank you so much. And I think then you've left and people are like, that is that is good house getting. Also as well, if they haven't accepted your help at all, any financial, like, I'll help with the groceries and you stayed like a week or something. Always quite nice to leave like some cash with the note as well to be like, and that you're having this and then they're like oh

oh my god that's the big send off finale if you're a teenager I would say and you're saying with adults you can avoid the cash one you don't have to do the cash and then you're like okay 20 pounds of course even just a note yeah yeah don't worry don't stress about the cash part but if these are your peers

yeah if you can and you say a long time and if you can and then be like here's to contribute to this or whatever but if you know don't the cash don't panic yeah sorry about that nobody panic nobody panic Going into the guest bedroom after they have left and seeing that that is a mess is such a like, they didn't even make their bed, you know? Oh, God. But, oh, when it's stripped and you didn't ask them to do it, and then there's a little no,

oh, you're like, oh, come anytime. Come any time. And it does not take that much to do that when you actually think about it. It's really a very simple thing to do. So, hopefully that helps Abigail and anyone listening. I actually think that was quite a good episode, if I made so too. The shoes took up most of it, but it was an important lesson and an important backbone of being a guest. Please do a email as Nobody Panicpodcast at gmail.com if you have a suggestion for a future episode.

You have a quandary you would like us to sort for you or at Nobody Panic Pod on Twitter. And just, you know, have a nice week, I suppose. Yeah, a lovely week. I hope you go and stay with somebody. And if you do, be a good guest. Be a good guest. And it's mostly just you being calm. God bless you.

Goodbye. Well, goodbye. Thank you for staying. Come any time.