Nobody Panic - How to be Incredible at Dating - with Olga Koch

Episode Date: April 16, 2019

Comedian, computer programmer and all-round great gal Olga Koch walks Tessa and Stevie through her specialist subject - dating. And let me tell you, she's amazing at it. Learn where to go, what questions to ask, how to peace out when they turn to be weird. Plus you can hear Tessa becoming completely infatuated with Olga in real time. It's a banger of an episode.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th September. The date is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace. It's coming to London. True on Saturday the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September at King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. We've got a guest. Welcome. Hi, I'm so excited to be here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Introduce yourself to the lovely listeners.

This is Olga. My name is Olga. I'm a comedian and a huge fan of the pop. Stop. Olga is incredible. Olga was nominated for Best Newcomer at the last year's fringe. Had an amazing show called Fight, which was so interesting. Like, I can't even go into it because it's such a story and it's such a thing.

But now she's doing her next show, which is about computers and dating. And she's going to, an AI, she's a computer scientist. Do you want to tell us in 30 seconds what your first show was about? Yes, because I can't say it for you. In 2014, my father got stopped at the Russian border and then he briefly disappeared. That literally, yeah. But it's funny. It's hilarious.

But to be clear, your family are Russian. Yes, I am Russian. Yes. So he was not just traveling through. No. Your father is at a big deal. Very much based in Russia. Deputy PM.

Oh, my goodness. How'd you guys know? We know everything. Did you Google my dad? Fucking disgusting. Sorry, my husband's a good. It's a very explicit heavy podcast. And he is currently, he's still there, still been the deputy PEM.

Oh, God, no. He is on the run from the Russian government currently in Germany. Fantastic. Painting and stuff, just because he doesn't speak German. Okay. He's like, we're pickling now. What do you mean? You're pickling more?

Because they're always finding new hobbies. So he and your mom is there? Yeah, and my brother. And your brother? Yes. And you're alone. And everyone's having an okay time pickling? Yeah.

Okay. Perfect. So Olga's pickling. Olga's parents of pickling. And you're currently, so that was last August. And this August, you're plowing ahead number two. Yes. It sounds like an excellent show.

Like, it sounds like one of those are like, oh, that is going to be cool. I mean, I'm really excited. If it comes out well, I was super panicked. I was like, I had this one good story. And then I told it in my first hour, what am I going to do? And then someone came up to me. They were like, well, you didn't talk about yourself at all in the first hour. We just talked about your dad.

And I was like, oh, cool. I can talk about me now. I got me still. Yeah. And so it's about computer science, which is what you studied. Yes. Yes. And science and love.

Yes. And you. And me. And robots. Big time. Okay. Which you're into? Yeah.

Big fan. You don't feel like nervous. Oh, I mean, like, yes, I'm nervous because I, this is completely unrelated to anything. But I feel like the people, the reason. of the people who are creating AI and working in the AI industry is terrifying. And that doesn't scare them. To them, it sounds like the greatest, most optimized world. Yeah.

I remember sitting with a guy and foaming at his mouth, he was like, imagine that someone knows every song you've ever heard and knows exactly what kind of the songs you like so that something can write a song specifically for you because it knows the notes you like. Exactly. And to them, he's like, why would I listen to anything else? This is perfectly catered to me. I'm just like, no. That's the scary thing.

It makes me so scared that there are people who think that's a great idea. Yeah. Because they will make these robots and the robots will become sentient and they will be like, well, kill the humans. Yeah. And they'll kill us. That will obviously be the next. That is what will happen.

Not before global warming gets us. So don't worry about it. Yeah, that's true. There'll be a big ice age and then it's fine. So, but to get back to the thing. Absolutely. We are talking about today how to be good on a date, how to be a dating champion. We talked about dating before.

but we've sort of said about apps and things like that now we're going to get into like what do you do on a date like what do you what's cool things to say when the conversation has I don't know dried up like an old shoe what to wear whatever you like just like a load of things and Olga is very well placed because you're a dating

champion I feel like you date you're hard data I don't mean that as in you're difficult I mean like you're hard data like you do hard yeah hard data yeah like robots Bringing it back.

Always bringing it around. But before we get into that, let's go around and say our adult things that we've done this week. Olga, would you like to start? I'd love to. What's our adult thing? So I'm going to spin classes regularly now.

Fantastic. Which I think is a very adult thing. And I started last week in New York City where I went to somewhere... That's two adults. A legendary place called SoulCycle, which I'm sure. Oh, yes. I've heard so much about it.

So I came in and I thought This is going to be so pretentious. It's going to be the worst. 10 minutes and fully sold. Like, I'm converted to the cult. They'll make me do anything. But even in my mind, I couldn't imagine just how extreme and cultorship would be. The woman, as we were doing, like, the hardest cardio track, she was like, okay, so, this is the instructor.

Okay, so my daughter was in the hospital this week, and it just made me so grateful to be alive. So let's just channel that energy into our work. Oh, my God. I'm not kidding. I'm not exaggerating with the fucking Buddhist experience. amazing. That's sort of what I imagine SoulCycle to be like.

But it's the one where your shoes are stuck on the Yeah. Yeah. You're stuck. Yeah. Yeah. You're stuck. Yeah.

The shoes are stuck on your, you have to be given special shoes and the shoes are stuck on the pedals. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's candles.

You do weight lifting on the seat. Okay. While acoustic, an acoustic version, the kids version of, like kids choir version of creep, a place. It's, it's everything you do.

Oh my God. They need to bring this over here and I need to give them all my money. Well, that's thing is, like, I don't truly believe that a British person will ever be able to do it, like, to run the class. It has to be the American. Because there's something about that, like, intense. That woman has no foot outside the door where she's saying, let's channel that. Let's channel my daughter in hospital. Come on.

She's so, so when they're like, they're like, set your intentions. Like, what are you grateful for you? Thank you for being here. Like, they're serious. On Instagram, so many people in L.A. Say the word manifest. So this week I'm manifesting. Oh, like, I went to my parents' condo,

and I just thought, what a great time to manifest. And then they show you a picture of their notebooks. And it's just like them. It's just a things to-do list. Yeah, a do list for the mom. It's a thing. It's a manifestation, because I've written the little candle. And then you're grateful, and you're just putting that out in the world.

And then taking it right back. I took a yoga class, and they were like, like a few people were crying. And she was legitimately like, I play the music this loud. so we can't hear you cry. And if you're crying, it means it's working. Just get in tune with your body. And there's something so amazing about being like,

if I, there's no embarrassment about being sincere about this because I will be, by proxy, the least sincere person in the room because everyone's crying. So you might as well get in, like get in the cult. I think that is very true. I think it's an amazing piece of exercise and I wish it all the best and I hope it makes it over here. Crucially, good adult things.

Such a good one. Thank you. Very powerful. Have you seen the film, The Holiday? Yes. A billion times. When, it doesn't say Celine Dion, but... Camerile, Carolyn, Cameron.

Kate Windsor. Cameron. Cameron Diaz. She leaves him, Jude. Law. And she's going back to the airport and she's like, oh. And then in the taxi, she opens up where her passport and her documents and everything is. And she has this pale blue travel wallet with a cruise.

cream inside and all these little gold bits. And I watched that at Christmas and I was, and I, oh, I manifested this. I was like, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I manifested it by just thinking about it. And then buying it. And then I bought it. So I, I manifested it into my life and I bought it for real money in the shop. It's an aspirin one.

It's from Aspinol's. And I, it's the best thing I've ever seen. She got it out of the last recording. And I'm sorry, it's not here to visually. Have you traveled with it already? I have already traveled. Did you feel so much? I felt the bees need.

And everybody who saw me knew that I was the bees need. I felt amazing. And I just walked to the airport with my backpack and my little travel wallet. And I felt incredible. To be clear, this is not a travel wallet that's like, you know, you put your passport in and that's it. It's got a bit for your passport. It's got a bit for spare change. It's got a bit for your travel document.

And it's all labelled. And it looks like this big. It's like a plush. It's like a plush. Beautiful wallet. It's a cross between like a bag, a purse and like a filing cabinet. but like really, really good. And it's so classy.

I went online and I was going to immediately buy one, but I can't afford it now, but if I get another job and this is the first thing I'm buying, because it's not, what I love about is, it is not necessary, but it is necessary. I've never bought myself something so pointless yet, lovely. But like a mom would approve. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When I show people, everyone goes, oh, delicious. I'd have to get it in black, obviously. My adult thing, oh wait, I've just immediately forgotten it and had it. No, yes, I did a coat Cole. Okay, great. So we did like an episode a while back which is like, um, uh, how to spring clean and we were in my bedroom

doing it and uh, uh, we looked around. I just, I got for like 20 coats and it was like, that'll be the first thing that you should get rid of it off. But I can't because I just like having different coats. I like having you know, you're going like different clothes every day, but then the same coat over the top then it just was like I'm wearing the same things. I like variation. Anyway, some of the coats. I realized I haven't worn for like three years. Like I've got

this black leather matrix coat because I want to rewatch the matrix I want it to be like neo but I don't want to be like neo when I'm doing my day to day tasks or going out or seeing people so that means I'm wearing that coat alone in my house it's not good enough okay so that's gone I got it from a charity shop to be fair to me it was like six pounds so that's okay but like um and I've kept the ones that were like expensive that I like I've kept some that I've got like holes in them because I'm like I will do that up like the amazing um I've got an amazing leopard print one from a charity shop in from outside your old house. Oh.

And so I've kept that, but I've just basically kept four coats. I'm like, these are the whole gamut. And now I'm just borrowing my boyfriend's coats. Very well done. Yeah. Anyway, thank you. Because it's because we have a coat stand

and it just kept falling over because of the amount of coats. I was just putting on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not good. And then you realize, like, you don't need, you don't need them all. I don't need 12 coats. Right. Just one.

It's me. It's me. It's a coat. It's you, Tessa Coat's a coat. I wanted to call my edited brush show, get your Tessa coats you've pulled. Yeah, and I was like, it would really missell the vibe of fun. That's what we're talking about anthropology.

Also, Tessa and her dream, and her... Technicolor dream coats. Oh, no, Joseph and his... It didn't work. I tried to make... For someone who likes puns, I've never really managed to do anything with my own name. What's the title of your up-and-coming show? If then.

If-then. Oh, God. Excellent. What's a homage to? If then. Oh, it's like a basic of programming. I knew it would be. It's a basic of programming.

Yes, I love it. A basic. I'll say it at the top so it's not buried at the bottom. If you want to go and see Olga's, she's, Olga's show, if then. Yeah. She's working it up before Edinburgh and she's... If you want to see it then. Yes.

Go to rock and rollga. So rock and then Olga, but with an R.com. And then you can get all of her dates. And Twitter is the same. Yeah, Twitter is the same. And yeah, I'd go, I go and see her, basically, is what I'm saying. But first, now, it's date time. I think the first thing we should talk about is locations of the date.

Location wans. What are good locations? Someone's like, cool, lets me up. And you're like, great, we've been, you know, pussyfitting around this. Now, do a bar where you're used to, do I go like, hey, I've got some cool bars, but what if you hate them? And then you're the person who chose the shit bar, the weird Mexican bar that you're wearing a sombrero and you're like, I'm uncomfortable. Like, I'm going to parry this immediately to the expert. Okay, come on.

All right, guys, I would like to say that all of my advice is just like a bit much. Great. Okay. And as I mentioned before, likely unethical. Great. But I know that it works. So we're just going to go right into it. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Get arrested. I have some questions already. Yeah. But I think I will let them, I will, I will raise them as and when. As and when. I already have some questions like, how have you collected this date?

and why? Through dating and success, I'd imagine? Dated so many dudes. Okay, okay. Dated a lot of dudes. So I think all of my advice today will be based on heterosexual relations. Absolutely.

Because that's where the majority of my experience lies. A hundred percent. But possible you could switch in and out agenda for this, you know? Could we talk about a day is a day? It's a universal. Yes. It's for everyone. So, okay.

What's like a good date location for you? So you don't want. want to do. That's great. That's all. Okay. You want to do an activity, but you want to do an activity that you can speak during. And you want to do an activity because you want something to talk about during, but at the same time you don't want the activity to overshadow the hangout itself.

So you don't go to the movies, you don't go to the theater. Also, you're not going to go eat because you'll have nothing to talk about. And then you're locked in for three courses. Exactly. So what you're doing, galleries. What you're doing is bowling. Wow. What you're doing is like one of those...

Two person bowling. I love that. Yeah. Oh my God. Rowans in Finsbury Park at like 6 p.m. on a Wednesday, the whole place is yours, so you like run around, second floor, check it out. Apologies to any of the guys that I took there on like a whimsical manic pixie dream girls. I'm like, he's again, issues again.

Okay. And I'm like, shh to the locals. You want to go to one of those beer places that give you like tiny little, tiny little beer like flights, and then you get eight different beers, and then you like try them and talk about them, and you do blind taste tests and you exchange and you're like, which one's your favorite? You rank them. So even if day, me too.

So even if you have nothing in common, nothing to talk about, there's like a built-in discussion in the activity itself. Oh my God. That's so good. So that also knocks out all the, because when you said doing activity, I mentioned it was like, oh my God, what, like an absorbing or something. Yeah, me too. It knocks that out because you can't talk during that.

So it has to be like a low-key activity. Like, I suppose like those really kind of hips to places that are cropping up literally all over the country where it's like playing ping pong while drinking bit. How do you feel about ping pong? Okay. The energy bounce? And the golf place, the one that's like neon golfing, I've been to both. I'm saying, I don't discriminate.

I'll go to, I've gone to both, absolutely hated both. Right, okay. It's too loud. Okay. It's ping pong, you're not going to have a conversation. No, because you're playing a game when you're playing a sport. And the thing is, is that you're constantly just bending down and picking up the ping ball and ball.

And that's more of like a date three situation. Yes, you know, your ass. Yeah. Okay, okay, okay, okay. So where else? What else is it a prime activity and what is a bad? activity. So like, so absorbing ping pong, bounce. Is this one? You said like little flights of beer, but wine tasting would probably be too much

because you have to like do it with people and it's a big discussion. You have to be a bit of an asshole about it. Whereas beer's just like, I like this bit. This is a fun bit. What's your bit? Paint your own pot. What do you think? Okay, that's more of like a breakup thing where like you and the girls and you're like, yeah, no. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Um, like any kind of I'm being single scrap. Yeah, I can paint my own pot. Well, I thought you could just sit there. Maybe that's too much effort.

Like, what have I painted? Paint the pot. Sorry, because I'm just thinking like one of those like horrible wine painting things. Yeah. But if you're going to like a pottery thing, that's like they have one in Edinburgh called, oh God. I mean, I'm sure they have them all over the place. Yes. As long as it's not mandated as a class.

As long as you're free to leave. It's no dice. No, no. Because you want to go somewhere where it's, you can leave. at any point. So theoretically, once I start a game of bowling, it's just a game. The game's going to be over in what?

10 minutes, once you're done, at any point you can piece out. If you're there in a wine tasting or a painting class, you're like, fuck, I'm here for an hour and a half. Yeah, and also you can't really chat because you're like listening to the instructor being like, no, not that rim of the ceramics.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I thought it was more like you just get a pot off the wall. Yes, that I'm into. And have a drink and you just do the thing. Like drink shop do in Kings Cros. Yeah, I thought maybe the creative element was too much pressure. No, no, no.

I love that. Oh, you love that. Yeah. And a cute thing to do is take the tiniest mug and then painted as a sports direct mug. And then he's like, you're so creative. Oh, my God. So you already know. So if you have an activity, you could think of like a fun joke.

They're like, oh, she's so cool and spontaneous. And just like, great. Like sports direct mug. Big time. Like if you've got a bowling thing, I think, I don't know if everyone's got a, I always got my sort of joke bowl where it's like, oh, oh. You do your sort of silly run-up and it's like it's a good laugh. Everyone's enjoying it. I don't love bowling.

I don't love bowling either. And it also makes me think too much about the film Grease 2. And then I just want to tell them my hits from the film Grease 2. Your hip. You're going to bowl tonight. We're going to rock. We're going to roll. We're going to buff.

We're going to score, score, score, score. Oh, like sex. Tonight, it's about sex. It's all about getting your bowl in the hole. The bowl in the hole. The bowl in the hole. Just the one point. And then I tell them about my unlived dreams of making it into a West End production.

And then that's the end of the day. No, they'd get a very good sense of what you were like. So that's fine. I think it sounds like you want to do an activity to mask yourself. You know? Because actually, you want to be bowling and telling them about your West End dream. And then you want the person to be like, that sounds great. Tell me more about that.

And you're like, you're a keeper. Or they're not interested and then you just finish the bowling. And as Olga says, peace out. Peace out. A very cool phrasing. What kind of uptake? are we talking here? Like what kind of,

how many people were really into the sports direct mug and it equals the second date? I think I'd say that the key to everything is then how you interact afterwards. Okay, okay. But I would like to say that the last dating location and this is the best date humanly possible,

but it can never be the first date unless it's someone that you know and you're transitioning from friends to lovers. Okay. If you're in like in the same social circle. I'm so excited. So there is rapport there and you're like, we're going to take this sexual. Okay.

Karaoke. Oh. That is a personality-based one. I will say. I would never. I could never. Two person in the room, like one of those tiny ones, there's one in Soho that's like an old video store. Do you guys know that one?

No. I'm terrified of karaoke. Old VHS store. Okay. That's what it looks like. Then you walk in, cash only. They have the tiniest, like, it's a fire hazard, right? It barely fits the TV.

And so you're there and you're close and you're sweaty. There's no aircon. You're singing. Oh man, because nostalgia. I can't sing. But like, yes,

you can't sing. Like I think I'm, my singing is like, it's not awful to ruin a day, but not good enough to intimidate him. Now, so you've got one on that side. I think I'm too good at singing. And I think,

and Tessa's tone deaf. So I think it only works if you're, so if you're listening and you know that you are an Olga, Not for Stevie who really goes too hard. Okay, so what if the man isn't in that bracket or whatever date partner you're bringing is not in that same bracket? What if they're like really good or really bad?

You just carry the energy. So here we're talking about like me initiating and me proposing the location. So if he's proposing the location, it's on him to make it fun. If I'm proposing location, I'm there. I've got like a playlist in mind, not set in stone. Oh my God, you're so fantastic.

I mean, it's a very calculated thing to come in. and just be like, ha, wouldn't it be funny? And then you're gauging. Was he emo? Was he hip hop? What kind of teen was he?

Do you know what I mean? Is he into old R&B? If he is... Or Kelly. Difficult. Exactly. Exactly. It's a great test.

Then the afterwards thing, if it was a good activity, you can move onto a bar later and just chat and like, talk about the thing, talk about the funny things that happened in the pot painting or the karaoke or the,

I don't know, sandblasting. And then you do like a stroke song. Oh, good. And then you're at the bar later. being like, you went to a stroke show, huh? You lost your virginity to a stroke song? Let's talk about it. Did you, Liz?

Did you see some strokes song? Do you, does things ever get down and dirty in the karaoke? Yes. Okay, okay, okay. Look, August had sex in the karaoke bar. Okay, okay. She was beer tasting. She was set.

She put the tiny sports direct mug on his penis, and that was the beginning. That was it. Okay, okay, okay. We will have to, because I'm, I could talk about date locations now forever. But we're going to move to, um, well, what to wear, which I think the answer probably is just going to be, just to wear whatever you feel comfortable in. You don't have to wear anything like particularly,

but what do you go for to wear on a day? First day, you've never met them before. Do you go hard, really dress up, lipstick? No, God, no. Just chilled out. Like, you just sort of like come there from somewhere else. Yes. Okay.

Yes, but if there's a piece that could be a conversation starter, I'm wearing some really flashy boots right. Yes, they have a lot of traction in the room. If there's something, like, you can hear them in the microphone. If there's, yeah, if there's a conversation, Conversation starter piece, definitely, like a fun t-shirt from a team-building exercise that you want to talk about. Do you know what I mean? What a date.

Like a badge. Or like a brooch. You're amazing. A Buffy the Vampire Slayer tops and you can be like, yeah, I was really into Buffy. And then they're like, so as I. And then that is a base. That's, I think, the only basis for a relationship. So, but I guess not two conversations started.

Like, I'm wearing this flamingo on my shoulder. You have to keep him. I'm wearing Bjork swan. Yeah. Yeah. You're supposed to find the tone. Something that you would be happy with people seeing you in. But so yeah, maybe a slogan t-shirt that says like, I don't know.

Quirky, not mad. Yes, quirky not mad. That's very good. Tessa is like absolutely astounded. I'm just, I was like, do you want to go back and date loads because you're learning so much? Because I do. Yeah, I'm like, okay. I've been on one blind date and it was awful.

What was it? It was, I was on OKCupid. I'm banned from OKCupid, but more on that later. Yes, please. Now, oh, I don't even want to tell my story. It's shit. It was a guy. He told me he was a writer.

He was one of those classic cases. with like very good messaging, like quite funny and witty, met no charisma, no anything, no eye contact, no, if I'm honest, physical attraction there at all. And I got a small glass of wine and he wasn't a writer. He wrote the copy on CDs. So like, that's not what, right? I was talking about, you let me whang on about like being a journalist because at that

point I was a journalist. I was really like, well, I'll go out with another journalist, obviously. So I drank my wine and I was like, oh, it must have been about three hours. It's been 40 minutes. So I said I was moving house and I had to go move some boxes. And then I left. And then the next day he texted me back saying, we had a lot of chemistry which had to go out again.

It's like, I said I had to move boxes, man. Like, no. And that was the only day I've ever been on it. And it was just so, it's so awful. So now I want to go back and be like, I could have gone potting with it. Well, you could take the shadow on some... This is what we referred to my boyfriend as on.

First dates. The shadow was... Oh my God. Yes. Steve's boyfriend. I could go... I could go on some first dates. Take, go on the tour. And pretend...

Get the spice back. Do some karaoke. I would say, so this is something to re-inject love into your relationship. Wow. Okay, okay. Great. You're clearly very, very much in love. You share coats.

Come on. Oh my God, yeah, we do. And go speed dating. And then pretend you're a different person on each speed date. So you're like, I invented the pen. And so you could just like pretend to be different people. And then when you were with him on the speed date, you just start making out and everybody's like, what the fuck is happening? It's the funnest thing ever.

Have you done that? Yeah. Oh my God. It's so great. That's so great. I'm literally like, when you talked about soul cycle cults, I'm literally like, yes, and then? And I'm like, tell me more. I'm like, here's all my money. I'll buy into the group. I want a part of it. Tell me the next lesson. Yeah, you should be a life coach. That's what you should be. Okay. Well, actually, no, because we're going to get into the unethical advice soon and then maybe you'll change your mind. I was going to say, Stevie's one about those loots in the boxes. I told her my very wise one that you go on your date and you say, like, oh, I'm going to work something after this.

so there's a clear like, oh, I'm sorry, I've got to go to that thing. And then if you cancel that if you like them, they're like, fuck it, let's stay, this is so fun. And then you were boning that night. Because if they think that you've canceled like a party to be with them, then it's like, this is, oh, and everything. Do you have any other similar tactical moves? Linguistic tactical stuff of like,

basically like your exit strategy, your piece out exit strategy, or are you a girl who can just be like, bye? We're in. I've literally walked out on a date, so I don't think. Well, and literally said goodbye or just gone? I, he, I mean, this particular guy was like super racist to the point where I was like, I don't, you don't, I don't owe you an excuse. So I was like, nope.

And I just walked out. And he like chased me through the pub a bit and then he just stopped. Wow. That's good. Okay. What if they're like nice, but you don't want to like be mean. They haven't done anything bigoted or bad. Box guy.

He's like boring. You just don't want to spend time with this like, no. Like when people came around to look around at our house, this guy with some, like bright red periwinkle, periwinkle picker shoes, like a pixie, and this emo haircut and this jacket opened the door. And I just wanted to be like, no, and just like slam the door in his face. But instead we had like, show him around the house. And so like, that

thing of like, we just get into the end of this. Like, you know, what is your strategy for like? I'm afraid I don't have anything whimsical. In those situations, I just shut, I just shut down. And because I'm so charismatic and irresistible, usually, that they definitely see the contrast where I'm just not a way. engaging with anything. Yeah, right. And then they just escort themselves off the premises.

Yeah, I'd be like, just a broad daylight. I'm really tired, I'm going to go to sleep. Oh, right, lie down. So you go to sleep and close your eyes. You would finish a date by literally just saying, like, I'm knackered, I'm just going to head home. Rather than coming up with some sort of... I'm really sorry.

I feel like I've really let you down. No, this is us? No, this is us being like, oh, wow, we should be more confident. You don't have to go into things with your, like, pre-prepared exit to, like, don't, otherwise then you're saying you're moving boxes. Yeah, exactly. And then you're leaving like, why did I say that?

You should be confident. And then you go buy some boxes, send him a picture of the box. Walk past the pub, like, oh, I'm moving. I am moving. Yes. They actually move. Go on super. Jesus.

Yeah, then I had to move house. It was a nice, that night as well as moved. It was so quick. No, I think, no, I think, yeah, I think it's so good to, if in doubt, like, just you do the simplest thing. You don't have to be like, oh, I had a friend's party. but actually because then suddenly you're caught out in a lie. No, it's okay.

I wish I was like going to go into the conference being like, I'm going to go now. I'm quite tired, so I'm going to go. So great, because also you're never going to see that person again. Yeah. I mean, and if you do, that's very unlucky. You shouldn't go into my opinion. Like, yeah, hey, I don't owe you anything.

No. Because that's the point. I will. No, please. No, no, please. I wrote down my number for the matre d in a chicken shop. In, this is. You keep giving people real numbers

Yeah Yeah Oh yeah So I went out for lunch with Amy Annette Yeah We were quite giddy We'd come from something quite exciting

And we were like let's get lunch And we both for free And we could you know We're giddy And then a guy sits us Who looks exactly like James Franco Who long time listeners

Will know Is my absolute Zen? What am I talking about? No Dave Franco His brother Oh sorry I can't even remember Which one I fancy

Is Dave Franco's brother Is the brother Dave? James Franco's younger brother So hot He's the one from 21 Jump Street. Yes. Married to Allison Bree.

Correct. Sorry to remind you. Yeah. Oh yeah. Bitch, I know who he's married to. Yeah. And I'm devastated by it. Married to Alison.

Very, I hope they're very happy together. Anyway, I love him so much. And so this guy comes and serves us and I'm like, there was like a sexy and I said to Amy, I'm gonna fuck him. And then I, when he like left was like, bye, winked at me, went down the stairs, leaving his like table pass.

where he'd been like, you know, table for two or whatever, I take it and I write the blonde one from table four and my number and we run screaming down the street. Yeah. Yeah, and it was like, well, that's enough fun for everyone. I didn't need, that was the fun part. What was the end of that story? He turned out to be a child.

So he texted me and then I was like, immediately it went from being like, ha ha, to be like, oh no. Then went on the date, saw him before he saw me. I saw him like literally that night. and I knew immediately like I didn't I was like no like you know when you like saw somebody and there was too young

it was and then like we went this is when he took me to the top of Primrose Hill to look out over the Empire State Building he doesn't have the other I'm saying but he proposes to me and then he said to me so boldly I think I'm older than you

and I was like oh no you're not I was like I think I know I'm older than you and he was like I'm the oldest and I was like okay everyone said the fact that we're having this conversation nobody says who's the oldest on a normal grown-up day. And then I was like, okay, everyone's stay at the rage on the count of three.

One, two, three. And then he said, I'm 20 next week. And I was like, Oh! It turns out of about to 28 this one? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then I had to, like, basically escort myself, you know, home so I didn't get arrested.

But like, and then I had to, you know, get out of it. But I do think the Friesant is so much more fun than when everyone's like, okay, yeah, we're both here now rather than, like, it's why I imagine, like, an affair is, like, so sexy because it's dangerous and forbidden. Yeah, it's not the actual relationship. it's the excitement of like it's the met like I always used to I was like the messaging before the bit where it's like and now we're going to snog I'm like oh no what I like panic but the bit before I'm like yeah like really cool and then it's the actual action yeah I start to really really panic you know being in a house party as a teenager and like seeing someone across the room being like I actually really fancy Ian or like whoever and then be like Ian fancies Hugh and it's like oh oh but like the adrenaline the adrenaline but like how are we ever going to there's too many people in the room how are we ever you know but then when you actually are alone with the end you're like, no, I don't like it.

Ian frightens me. Oh, it's all too much. So stuff to have in your back pocket if the conversation dries up. Do you? I feel like you can talk very well and you're just like going like a rest of that box. So I have a couple of like interview

questions that you can work in casually and sometimes you could just bluntly ask them and they usually turn out to be discussions. So you could go you could go the route of like what's your most controversial opinion and just like go there and then maybe like what's something that you flip-flopped on which is something really fun like what did you think 10 years ago and then after this you're like

fantastic 180 I'm so grateful but I'm also so terrified of disappointing you every next sentence I say no if you already have to listen to the podcast we have no advice like we are rubbish and also I have this thing like in who wants to be a millionaire you know when they like get to like 30,000 pounds and then like no matter what happens next, they're still going home with 30,000 pounds. Sometimes I meet people and I decide that I'm like, oh, they're at 32,000 pounds.

And even if you're now like, you could literally like shit on the floor now and I'm already like, I've already decided. Yeah, the take home wouldn't be that she'd out on the floor. I was like, we had these great location day. I would never even reveal the shit. I'd be like, let me tell you these things that she said. Yeah, I would just clean it for you.

No problems. Okay. So these are such good questions. You flip-flopped. What's your most controversial opinion? So yeah, so those are the kind of just, like clean, more like intellectual ones. And then you could obviously like gauging where the date is going and maybe in like in the bar after karaoke, you do the whole like first kiss, how you lost virginity, all that stuff.

Do you do anal? I mean, I'll start with that. Not if but when was your first time doing anal. There's like fun whimsical ones that like a lot of the time work with early MTV shows. Do you guys know like Rumerators date my mom? Maid. Okay. No. I didn't have MTV. Were they never transferred here?

Maybe not. And if you're listening, guys, yes they did. I'm very sorry, but we didn't watch them. So for example, there was a show called Maid where an expert, they're not fucking expert. I don't know who they are. Would come into a high school and they would take like a loser kid and they'd be like, we're going to make you into what you want to be. And they'll be like, prom king or they'd be like, wig border or whatever.

And it's like, what would your maid episode be? And then mine is female bodybuilding. because I'm whimsical. That is your true maid. I would love, like, in high school? Fuck yeah. I'd beat everyone. I don't think bodybuilders were particularly strong.

They just look big. That's the thing. They're really terrified. They're really terrified. But I would beat up teen boys still. They're like famously, they're just sort of like false muscle structure. Yeah, yeah. They're not actually very strong.

See, we're on a date. Let's talk about it. Okay. Literally. It's happening. It's happening. I'm also there. need to go.

I just leave you. Yeah, I'm tired. So, can I sleep? That's a great one. That's very, that is a bit. But it could be like you could just take, I suppose, any, like any TV show with that kind of format and just like, would you put yourself there? Mine is, if you have to do the Olympics tomorrow, what sport do you do so you don't become a meme? So you mustn't get hurt.

And you mustn't also be like the Eddie the eagle of it. You can't just like do pole vault and just like run straight across the map. Everyone will be like, this guy's never been to the Olympics. You can be bad at it. Oh yeah, you just need to coast under the radar. Okay, yeah, got it. So, like... Quite hard to do that.

Yeah, what are you going to... I love that. I'm going to... Probably a throwing one, but not a heavy throwing one. So I guess it was only javelin. I think if you threw that javelin, like, 10 meters, you'd be a meme. Okay. This is the problem.

I think if I ran anything, I'd be a meme. You definitely can't run, because imagine you go in the hundred meters and everyone's like, here they come. Oh! I can't pick dressage. I could dress a horse. I could... Don't tell me.

A horse. You're calling it dress a horse and also you could, you would be a meme. The horse would like run out of the arena. Okay. You wouldn't do any of the moves. Wait, hang on. I'm just going to turn this back. What's yours?

That you wouldn't be a meme within Olympics. Most magical date. Mine is. Oh, we would not work as a couple. I give the shot put because I think that. You! Come on! I can't.

I'm champion for you with who got told by a physio two weeks ago. You had no muscles in your stomach. I think I can just give it a bit I think the difference here is that you could not take on it. I actually think I could win it. I'd be mean if I did dressage you could do Olympic swimming

and you wouldn't feel of me. I think if you could start in the water, I'll ask to start in the water. No, my sister's one is the shooting and I think that's the best choice because you just stand and you miss them all but no one gives a shit anyway but you aren't visually.

It's not obvious that you did any of it wrong. Unless like the shock is so big that you want. Yeah, unless it's like ricocheted. She's never touched it before. Only one that you wouldn't be a meme. Everything else. Yeah, yeah, you've got to really think about it. Have you got one?

You can't have one. Yeah, I don't know. Is badminton an Olympic sport? Yeah. Yeah, because I think I'm like, I'm just average enough to be completely unremarkable and lose everything. Perfect.

That's what you're looking for. This is good. I don't have enough of a skill to even be unremarkable in the Olympics, I don't think. And I try the giant. slalom in the winter in the winter skiing. I just, because if you went in like the luge or something, you just shoot out. You would shoot off the side.

Exactly. I'm going to go on the skiing in the giant slalom and I'm going to crash out early doors. Oh, okay. Actually, yeah, you could do skiing yet and immediately just be like, but I'm actually going to give it a go because I do think I could do it. But surely if you die, you won't become a meme because it's disrespectful. It's very sad, yeah.

It just crashed. Like, everyone's just like, oh, they crash. You don't even a meme if you're like coming down in like snowplow down the giant slalom. If I did skiing, I've never seen. skied before, I'd be a meme. You'd be a meme. Whereas you have skied and you're quite a good standard for a normal person.

Averagely could get away with it just being shit and hopefully someone else fully crashed so you don't even come last. I will double down on not, not to swimming. It's a pass for the swimming. It's a pass for the swimming. And obviously it's past for the shot put. You wouldn't know about to pick that shit up. Like, no evidence.

I don't know why. You could not do true such. I'll be doing shot put. I'll be doing the shot put. And the diving. The diving. No. Topics to not talk about.

I was going to say something controversial, but you actually would go for the controversy. Yeah. So I have two more questions. Like you can go, you can also go gross. Again, in case of the situation, you could go gross and be like, what's the weirdest thing you use this toilet paper?

That's fun. But then you could go super sincere. A Canadian maple leaf. Oh, hello. Sorry. I shouldn't have answered. In Canada? No.

Sorry, sorry. Maple leaf. Or you can go. Like, super earnest and sincere and just be like, tell me about your best friend. Yeah, I'd find that difficult Because when people do sincere questions I'm always a bit like

I don't like know the correct It requires a correct answer Whereas like a silly one requires like a just fun Like I could just be like I don't know Like a sock for the Wiping My ass I think when they come from a place of passion I'm like I'm here to listen to anybody's question

That they're like sincerely mean Whereas I'm always worried Basically I saw one Come Dime with the Ecom one I saw one Come Dime with the episode Where like there was silence and then one of them was like,

um, do you think serial killers are born or made? This potato is nice. That's so up your alley, and it was so, and it is as a question, but I didn't want to, I felt like if I was in that room,

I'd be like, even though that's 100% of my jam. I don't want to talk about it in this way that's like someone's just been like, oh, that's a conversation started that I like learned on the back of a box rather than being like a question

they actually felt passionately about. Again, it's all about how you present it. So I imagine you present your questions really like, okay, so cool question. This, or like, fun idea. This. Like, you actually like, like do it in like a fun and confident way, whereas I think people get nervous that if there's

a silence and they just ask a question, they'll sound like that. Yeah, exactly. I don't know what's made. So I suppose it's like, you have to start, be like, I'm coming over the question and this is what this date is. Yeah, yeah. I guess you have to sort of be interested in the answer. And at the end of the day, I mean, maybe this is just me and maybe this sounds makes me sound terrible. Like, I think on a first date, I'm even prioritizing, if I kind of fancy the person, I'm prioritizing them liking me, then me liking them. And in that situation, I want to ask as many questions as possible just for them to feel like I'm interested in them because people love talking about themselves. And sometimes you have to push it to a point where it's bizarre.

I witness my best friend John Debrowski, who's the wonderful person, want to keep a conversation going so badly. He asked a guy what the name of his landlord was. I just really keep the comfort. So the more questions you ask, the more. kind of like seen and paid attention to the other person feels. I agree. And I think when you, when we think about like, what things talk about when the conversation topic came up,

you just naturally were like, so I have some questions. You know, like, that's actually the thing. You just have to ask questions. I think people forget that when they're in small talk conversations and they just feel like they have to suddenly say something really interesting about themselves when actually that's weirder. There was science and you were like, when I was a child, I was going to sack race.

Like, it'd be like, this is weird. Yeah. So you actually have to, yeah, just asking a question, no one's going to go like, I wish you hadn't asked that question. They're just relieved that you've broken the silence. And you were like showing effort and interest in the date. You're like putting value into it rather than just being like, because there's nothing worse when like someone doesn't say anything.

You're just like, well, do you care? Like, do you even want to have sex with me? Yeah. Yeah, come on. And is that how you feel on these visits that you are like, welcome to the showcase. Like welcome to the show home. This will be the representation.

I would rather you liked me than I like. Within the first two minutes, I've made the decisions that I fancy them. Oh, okay. Because in the first two minutes, I don't fancy them. Then let's get out. It's peace out and we're out of fear. Yes. Have you ever gone from multiple dates in one evening?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. How do you plan them? Sorry, how have you organized? Where's the admin happening? Like, how have you organized? Do you have a PA?

Who's organizing this shit for you? Okay, so this is my huge philosophy and my overarching philosophy. You, especially if you're at a mindset that you're maybe potentially open for a relationship, but you don't really know. and you're in the casual dating phase, you cannot at all, ever be dating one person. That's just not allowed because you will over-project and you'll pay too much attention to the person

and you will exaggerate how you feel about them in your head because you don't know them enough to feel the way that you feel in that moment. So what you need is at least two or three people to spread the attention over. You cannot like two of them. That's fine. But that means that you can't like channel the obsession onto one. Like they are my perfect person. Okay, so I try to do this and I invented something called the hang and bang group

in which people we would hang out and sometimes. bang and nobody would get in my group so like I was like literally going around I just kept me like yeah and I guess I like and I literally was like yeah I just 6pm is LinkedIn

yeah but I guess I led too hard with being like this is what's happening get in my hang and bang group and I suppose are you shaking your head like I should know people I hate that exactly I should because how would you feel about that like even if you were up for casual sex if someone's like I want to fuck you casually you're like no no exactly

you're gonna fall in love with me I think I am so bad and so transparent it's like as playing mafia like I just shout I'm in the mafia like I'm so bad at it because I it's not that you're bad at it I think it's like a personality thing like you you're more of I hate this phrase but like you are more of like romantic and when you are going out and you're like and that is just like a personality thing that you are that's what you feel like so then you realized that wasn't but I truly did want this hang and bang group you wanted it but you didn't fill it in your soul oh you're right come to this

you're so right stevie Olga comes out of her own soul about being like I just feel like this is a good way to proceed whereas you've been like I want to be sort of like I want to be loved but I also want to be this isn't working and I'm sad so let's I'm gonna be what you literally did tell me so many times

like I want to be the cool gal that just doesn't fucking yeah I don't think I kept saying that with that little lilt at the end like the old west yeah and I think that's the thing like you can't pretend to be something that you're not because you're not going to be able to do it properly like I think it's

I think it's fair enough to like take steps. So like you, because you felt like you wanted to be that, there was probably steps that you could have taken at that point that would lessen the emotional burden. But going the other way, being like, I'm just in it for the fucking. It's probably too far.

It's probably too far and I definitely just led with the information. Yeah. Hello, I'm Tessa and I'm in it for the fucking. Yeah. Which I sort of wasn't. And you're right, I didn't do a, I didn't. So you've got like three, you know, three spinning plates. So like income streams.

You've got three income streams and all your income streams. And all your income streams. streams believe they're the only income stream? You never address it. It's just this thing that I know about myself that I'm incredibly obsessive person. The reason that I have honed all these questions and know all these locations

is because I've approached everything as data. Yeah, I was going to say, it's part of the, you being like, and these are the steps and this is a thing is a very programming mind. Exactly. So when I got to the point of casually dating, especially at university, I found myself over projecting on boys

if they were the only people I was dating. So after one date, I'd be like, oh my God, he was so great. and he was so smart and he was blah, but in reality, he wasn't smart, he just never smile. And you're just like, oh my God, is he a jeep? Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. So I, and I can't help but kind of project, and it's very difficult for me to stop myself. So what I do is I take this obsessive energy and then I spread it across three people and that's just the right amount. Because then your perspective is not skewed, then you could literally be like, actually, yeah,

so you can be more objective about even the one that you like. I see. Yeah, that's very clever. And also I think it's very difficult to be objective in that state. And in the same way, if in that state, very early dating, you get rejected, the feeling that you feel is your pride getting hurt. But in that moment, it's completely undecipherable from heartbreak. So you think your heart was just broken. And really, two weeks later, you look back at it and you're like, no, I never actually liked that person. It's just that

like, it hurt to get rejected. But you'll only realize that two weeks later or onwards, in that moment, you're like, my whole world has shattered. She's broken my mouth. It can't be, because you've only known them for two weeks. Like, it can't have ever happen. Yeah. You're just. You're only, you know, You've had situations like that way there's that guy that you saw for a little bit. And then you were like really upset. Like really upset. I didn't see him for a bit. I didn't even, okay.

I, you kissed him in a lift for such a short amount of time. Oh God, yeah. Sorry, there's actually, I thought, I didn't know which one you're talking about, but I see there's multiple.

One I snogged in the lift and then, was completely devastated that he didn't want to be in my hang-and-bang group. And then one who I was, this is. I want to be in your hang-of-bag. We can. Well, yeah, get in. And like, and then one, before that, this is pre-Hang and Bang.

I knew him for such a short amount of time. We stayed up all night at his house watching cricket documentaries. Oh my God, all night, of course. And I thought we were like, there was like this insane, like, tension. And the cricket documentaries were just like a buffer. But really, he was just like really into Ian both of them. So we just like, watch these things. And then I thought, you know, nothing was happening because we were like saving it.

But we weren't. And then I, this is who I said, he said to me, like the next day when I was like, hey, what's going on? Like, this is at a party. Like, put our cards on the table. And I was like, I'm ready for this rejection. And then he said, I mean, I don't know if you want to go out with me,

to which I said, oh my God, yes, I mean, 100% yes. And he said, because that's, sorry, that's not what I want. And I, like, I had so much and it stings every time. Every time. No, but also, it's on him to have worded it that way. So much, right? Yeah, that's on him. And I remember having to get down the stairs.

And I, like, was like, clinging. to the banister trying to get myself, like, home. And I went to bed for a week. I'm so sorry. But this is the perfect thing. Exactly this. It was not love. It was not heartbreak.

It wasn't like me being like, the perfect boy. It was fully just pride and rejection and that. But it is, you're just so wise. It's indescriberable from an excitement and like, oh, here's my. Something new. And it's also something that you, the reason that you are dating a lot is because you kind of, that's what you want.

You want to click with someone. So it is like, but it's so false. Yeah. Because you haven't, it can't be heartbreak. Because you haven't built up enough heart. heart to break. It's like this, who, yeah.

I haven't built up enough heart to break. You're exactly right. And obviously me being like, yeah, I'm just in the fucking when I was literally like, and now we're married and maybe Ian Botham will be at a wedding or something.

Obviously I was not in it for the fucking. I was like, I wanted more, this like, you know, this romance. Yeah. And to be changing Kess's life. Oh God, retrospectively. Which is the best time. And that's good as well

about like rejection, touched on rejection, which is that's the hard part, that's a massive part of dating because it's like constant rejection either you rejecting someone else or then rejecting you but obviously that's a very over the top way of putting it because often it's just like, nah, I don't know, you're interested. Has anyone ever pieced out during the bowling on you or the karaoke?

Yeah, I'm sure, a couple of times for sure. You're sure or you know? Like, I suspect. They never like texted me and be like, by the way, I just rejected you. Okay, they were just like casual. I'm a big fan, and this is controversial, but I'm a big fan of like ghosting and fading out

at early days. I don't think ghosting someone you're fully like dating going out with is nice. But I feel like, and maybe this is just me, if someone I've gone on two dates with and never texted,

texted me saying, I don't think we should see each other anymore. That's like an over kind of like, it's exaggerating what it was and it's almost presuming that I'm more into it than I am. Like I never texted you. Why are you telling me

we shouldn't see each other anymore assuming that I want to see you again? Do you know what I mean? What if you did text them, be like, hey, you want to go bowling? Yes. I would rather they not respond then say, I don't think it was to see each other anymore.

Oh, wow. That's just my, that's my taste, that's my preference. Yeah, because it's quite early on and you've not built up any sort of mutual thing. Yeah, we don't like owe each other that. And I feel like you think that you're being like this better person, but in reality, you're just making the, like, the hierarchy more explicit. I see. Yeah.

So when people feel like they have to send that message and actually sometimes they don't have to send that message. That's quite interesting, yeah, because I think it's a matter of preference. But yeah, I do think it's a preference thing. and that's very, you have a sense of self that I am inordinately jealous of. That like, you're like, this is my preference. I know what I want.

Like, this is what I would rather have. Whereas I know people who are like, I would rather receive the clear no. But then if you are that sort of person, you can get in, you could be messaging and be like, hey, I'm aware that we haven't texted, but I just like a bit of closure. Yes.

Just for the record, I'm guessing this is not happening. Yeah, yeah. Just if you wanted that. Yes, but I think that those people, again, have all the respect in the world around, Have they seen or read the absolutely formative terrible film? He's just not that into you. I read the book and it changed my life.

Literally that. So it's like if he's not texting me and not asking me out, I'm like either he's not enough into me for me to care or he's not into me at all, in which case I don't need him to explicitly text me that. You always make time for someone that you want to speak to. 100%. Especially in like the first six months.

They should be texting you every fucking 10 seconds because that's what it's like. You're just like, oh, I want to see them all the time. I mean, I would always be like, this thing's really bad. But in the early thing, in the early days, you probably, yeah, I sort of agree with you now. Like, I think that is true.

It's going to be the thing I flip-flopped on most when you question me. And it's good to bring that up in a date as well when they go like, what do you flip up on most? Ghosting. Like, shit. And then you don't clarify which way you flipped. Yeah, yeah, yeah, terrified.

We'll never know. And then you just move it on to anal. The other thing I was going to say was that how to play it at the end of the night. But you basically answered that. No, actually. the other way around. You were like up for it.

How, if you ever been in situations where you're like, oh, I don't actually, I can't gauge fully, because some people are just friendly. Yeah. So how do you play that last bit, like, well, should we go for another drink? And then like, cool, and it's like, finished. What do you do?

Are you like, do you ever just feel like, do you want to mind or do you walk to the tube station with them? Or do you, like, what's the thing? Oh, but that's the most exciting part, isn't it? Oh my God, I'm like shaking. This is so exciting. So, I feel like at some point in that moment you decide whether you want to have sex with them or not.

And if you don't want to have sex with them, it doesn't mean you don't want to see them again is just maybe you're not up for sex that day. So if you are super, you super want to have sex with him, have sex with him, fuck it. Like, please, dear God, I hate, like, oh, he's going to think I'm a slut. You don't want to date someone who thinks you're a slut.

Go fuck yourself. So if you want to have sex with him, have sex with him, have a great time. Sometimes you like him, but you don't want to have sex with that night. That's also fine. You most likely definitely want to kiss him. Yes. Because kissing's the mess.

So I'm the type of person who will be like, are we going to make out or not. That doesn't surprise me. I will, I would, I love, I do that all the time. Because it's like, also, I, I've lived in England for five years. English boys are so in awe of the confidence. Yeah, yeah. That, like, in a way that, like, I think I'm obnoxious.

And if when I'm in the U.S. or Russia or anywhere else, people are like, you're too loud, you need to calm down. If I'm on a date with a repressed British boy, they're like, they just want to absorb biosmosis, my confidence. Yeah. So they're just, like, I feel, yeah, I just feel like they're so into. it because I am like the American high school girl that they grew up watching. Excellent.

Who's like a little bit of maybe of a bully? And says, do you want to kiss me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you going to kiss me right now? And I feel, yeah, and something, so this doesn't work for everyone, but it works for me where I'm just like, so what are we going to make out? Like, are you going to keep wasting my time? Like, I want to kiss you now.

They are now making them. I'm watching them. I'm taking pictures. I can bet that works 100% of them. Because, and also, like, I'm not saying that like five minutes and I'm like, kiss me. he's gone to a third or fourth location with me. At this point, it's a done deal. It's definitely happening.

And like nothing is more powerful than leaning over a bar while you're not looking at each other and you're standing side by side looking for the bartender and I, as like under my breath, he'll be like, I can't believe you haven't kissed me yet. And then you just order the beer and then it's just, it's on. This is great business. I'm excited, but I could never do that, but I feel really excited.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Do they ever just like spin you around and kiss you right there? Oh God, no. Then Olga spins them round, kisses them. Have you ever misjudged it and they didn't want to? Oh, I think in college a couple of times when I was like too drunk at a party. But I would say now I've refined.

I think it's the fine before that you said, well, they've gone to a second location. I think that's the bit that's important to like be able to confidently judge. Like, because after you've done an activity and you go like, so should you go grab a drink, That could still be them being nice, because they don't just want to do the activity. But then, if they've stayed for more drinks, and if you've like, maybe, like, a good tip is to test it out by, like, not staying in that same bar being, like, so should we go somewhere else? So then you can gauge whether they want to keep following you around. Exactly. You give them a bunch of outs.

So if he could have left three times in a completely acceptable way, and he hasn't, if he's fully inconveniencing himself, Ms. the last train, he wouldn't, he wasn't down. Do you know what I mean? And all these kind of indicators that are nonverbal cues. That's fantastic. But I also do think once you've got yourself to the nonverbal cue, it's a quiet green light from everyone, then that is the most exciting time that's like, now how am I just going to play it? What's the funnest thing I can do here?

Because everybody's DTF. We're clowning here. We down to clown. Have you ever dated another computer programmer? I've dated like a neuroscientist who did a lot of coding. And did they have the same mental thought process as you? Yeah. Who's like mind works in the same way that was like.

Oh yeah. But I think his was just a bit too far. So which is crazy because I met him. I had seven dates and seven days. I just moved here from the U.S. and I was like, I don't know anybody, and I'm just going to date around. And so I had seven dates and seven days. And then I met this guy and I dated him for a year and a half.

So Tinder does work if you do it on the month. By the numbers. Yeah, exactly. And why are you banned from OKCupid? Oh, because I was organizing like a comedy night in New York, and I invited everyone that I was chatting to, and I sent them the same exact message. Oh. You're signing them.

Okay. Fair enough. You seem to approach dating almost like, not a job, but like you seem to be like, you know, like you came over and you like did seven days to seven days. Like you seem to kind of, what do you. Yeah, that makes me sound terrible. No, I don't. I think it's just how you have the same reason that you can program. Yeah, I think, yeah, it's the same brain. And also I think it's quite sensible. So like if you want to do, you want an outcome, like you might as well organize it properly rather than going on like one Tinder day every six months and being like, well, Tinder's not for me. You don't know if you haven't like gone deep into it. And you've also got more probability of meeting something. Yeah, so I fully support the numbers thing.

Sorry, really quickly. Just because I feel like he, dating another computer scientist, I feel like I have a programming brain, but I'm still very much like a comedian and a human. I think he, like, and again, obviously I would say that because I'm biased because I love myself. But I think he took it so far that at some point, like it was impossible to be emotional with him

just because he was so keen on optimizing everything. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. One time he said that the thing he loved most about me was when I was asleep and he was cooking in the next room. Oh, God. I was like, I'm not even in that man. Oh, God. I'm not part of that dream at all.

I was unconscious for it. Oh, God, okay. You're not even in my present. So, yeah, so I think it's numbers game. Again, very obsessive person, and I feel like if I only had that one date, then I would just put all of my hopes would be so high, and if it was great, we would be in love

even though it was just one date, and if it was terrible, like, it would ruin my month. Right. Because he didn't, he wasn't the Prince Charming that I thought he would be. So I think, like, I think you always have to know

whether you're ready to date. So, like, are you ready to date right after a relationship? No, right after a relationship, you just want to fuck around a lot. And also, that is prime time for casual sex and not feeling anything for people. So if you want to have casual sex,

have it right after getting out of a very serious relationship. That's just my personal experience. Oh, God, what is the answer about optimal? You're looking at me so serious. No, I was going to say maybe that, like, also going into a date knowing that you have, like,

two or three more lined up that week. It's like, um, bitch, like, I'm doing, just, this is my thing. Like, that guy would ruin your month because we've got like another two days. Yeah, but at the same time, I absolutely can't stand people

who, who's like, Tinder and hinges their lives and they're constantly on apps. Like, it is unsufferable. So you never want it to be the number one thing in your life. It should be the number three thing in your life. Okay. Yeah, yeah, I remember my husband going to meet

a guy called Roger Bagel. and he had become like such a staple point of our house for so long because they've been messaging, they had never spoken, his name was Roger Bagel, for Christ's sake, and like we had, we'd like reinterpreted, like, because he was like the only thing, that he was the number one thing rather than number three of what should have been four or five potential plate spinning. He was the only plate and he was on the top of pedestal.

So obviously there was only going to go badly this date because she'd built it up in her mind to be, in her mind she was already Mrs. Bagel. and so like obviously there was too much pressure and obviously the date was a disaster exactly like what happened with that time you're like which guy live vicariously through me

I'm living my best life I'm off to karaoke again yeah I need to my vocal exercise yeah excuse me rum pump pump like yeah if you've got like a couple on the hoof it's not like in similarly with I'd say like a job interview

or anything that you want if you don't go in there like needing it you're just like this is one and maybe I'll choose and maybe I will choose and maybe I world and yeah there's power and choice

man oh god oh god it's genuinely been one of the most informative and best

episode I think we've ever I think I've flip-flopped so hard about so many things

I love ghosting yeah I love ghosting I think I've learned so much yeah can I yeah

sorry I just have one last piece of advice I promise you can say whatever you want it is it is okay

so having worked in a corporate environment have you worked in corporate I think you definitely have

absolutely you definitely have. So have you guys heard of something called the screenshot test? No, is that. So screenshot test in any corporation is something that every time you write an email, think of the screenshot test. If this email was screenshot and put into the press, would it make the company look bad? Sony, case in point. There you go. Exactly. Am I right? What up? So what you want to do, early days, all of your text messages have to pass the screenshot

test. And that screenshot test is if you send that text message and he shows it to your friend, would he be able to say, ha ha, isn't she such a clingy bitch? And the friends will look at it and they'll be like, no, that's a perfectly normal thing to say versus them being like, oh my God, she's fucking crazy run. So always think of the screenshot test. Because that's what, yeah, of course, the amount of people have shown me messages. Yeah, they're doing it too. Yeah, that's a very thing that you said, some of these things are unethical.

Yeah, all of your tips have been really ethical. Yeah. And then by the beginning you're like, and some of it's unethical. Well, I just felt like the ghosting stuff is not, oh, fine. I think it's more a controversial opinion rather than unethical, because actually you, put the argument forward very well and I think I hate the idea of ghosting but now I'm all thank God and also I suppose that like saying that things that I purposefully make seem as whimsical and off the cuff and spontaneous I very calculated not only that I've done them with

multiple people yeah but that's life yeah yeah I don't know anything that is like half of living it's just like pretending to be quite spontaneous and like intelligent and that's stand-up as well isn't it yeah oh oh absolutely yeah you're like telephone story and then you're like oh uh might just write that and you're trying like off the cuff business and it's just not Not at all. Yeah, exactly. No, it's the whole, yeah. Everything is calculating in her and, yeah.

But also, like, you're saying, like, you know, there's a nice Chris Rock joke about, like, for the first six months of a relationship, your representative is just dating their representative. And so, like, you're so right. And then it's like, oh, behind the scenes, like, it's shit back here. Now we're going to the kitchens.

So, like, you are just doing your very best. Absolutely. You're doing your very best. And if you're listening, I hope that helps. I mean, I cannot fail to see how much I did not help if you're dating. I, it's maybe like, I'm in a very happy relationship. I want to date now.

It's very difficult. I'm just going straight to the karaoke bar. Also, last thing, where are you meeting these people? Is it all on the apps? Is it on the apps? I love an in-person meet. But where are you finding them? Yeah, as in like, where are you picking these men up?

Oh, my last four boyfriends were comedians, so. Absolutely, yeah. But the seven days and seven days, and like, you must be, where you're going to the computers involved. Bumble? Back then it was Tinder, and then I think I had like a brief thing in Bumble. Great.

Okay. Yeah. Like house party is also a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the thing about house party is sometimes you've like, you've, it becomes a pretty inbred gene pool, you know, like you've, you've, you've, you've, yeah, yeah. All that can be. Oh, a big one if it's like, like a work party, like a work Christmas party, like everyone

from every department, like an open bar situation. Yeah, I hear you. That's, yeah, right. So very much happening. Oh, that's good. Yes. Yes. It looks like

That has never happened I just I've never made to the Christmas party No I've never worked in a corporation Where it wasn't just like It's all the women in the magazine That I've been sat in the room with I'm like well I guess I could bone you

Well I should have tried out You should have been If you want more like Olga talking Which I think we all want Go and see our show Rock and Rollgo.com

All of their dates She's not doing all of the dates She'll be previewing from now until August Then go to August and August and watch her. If you're in Edinburgh, bloody hell, go there. Absolutely. Tweet her at Rock and Rollga. Tweet me at

Stevie M. The S.A.5. Got so nervous. At Tessa Cote. Sorry, I pointed at Tesson when I shouldn't have done that. Yeah, when you point at someone and then they don't know their own Twitter handle. Yeah. At Tessacotes. Yeah. There I go. Tweet us at Nobody Panic Pod. And the email is...

At Nobody Panic. Oh, no. Didn't start with it. This happens. Nobody Panic Podcast. at gmail.com. So great. At the internet.

At the internet. And thank you so much for listening. And see you next week. And thank you for having it all good. Thank you so, so much. It's been the greatest time. Oh, she's been great. Bye.