Nobody Panic - How To Be Sporty When You're Not Sporty

Episode Date: March 5, 2019

Tessa KNOWS about netball teams. Stevie has started going for walks on a treadmill while listening to podcasts about Incels. Both are quite damning of wing defence as a position and have a load of tips on how to get into sport when you're absolutely nothing like Roger Federer. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Nobody Panic. Hello and welcome to Nobody Panic.

Who's in the team? Who's on the sports field? Not me because I'm not sporty. What? I'm not a sportsman. Get in the game. Welcome. This is for everyone.

Did you feel nauseous then? I did. I felt sick and upset, you know? It reminded me of being at Pee. Also, by the way, if you can hear some children screaming in the background, look, we're doing it in my flat. Me and Desert are doing it in my flat. And it's just, it's very hot in a February day.

It shouldn't be this hot. and I did not expect there to be school children screaming outside. But I wish I could join them, but I can't because I'm not very sporty. And they look like they're having a fantastic time. They are having a good time. I remember in the good old days, I would just be like, I'll use this book as a bat and let's all play Rounders. And I'd be really like confident.

Whereas now I'm like, if anyone, my friend actually a year ago had a Rounders birthday and you could feel the anxiety in the WhatsApp group. It was like, well, I'm not really a sporty type and I will be coming from work, but that's fine. Like no one wanted to be there and I didn't end up going because I was too frightened. Oh, that's very sad. So I do love Rounders

but I genuinely ask to run for people. Like sometimes, so there's once a year in the village there's a Rounders match on the hill. It's really aggressive. Okay. And competitive and the whole village comes out to play and it's Adults versus Children. Love it.

And then at some point people have to make a choice but I decided that if you have not made a child, you're still a child. regardless of your age group. Good rule, good rule. Because I've been in the children's camp for, you know, a long time. I don't, too, more, some decades.

And I refuse to upgrade. Of course. And it's very stressful, but I love when someone's like, I can't run because I've hurt my ankle and then they bat and I just run, jeopardy free. That's fun. But the stress of people standing in the line waiting for their go. Also, I found sometimes I used to like being the feel,

like the very deep fielding. But the problem is I can catch quite well, but I'm not very good throwing. And I can't throw very far. And the panic is someone shouting to fourth base. And then you're just like, you can't do it. And then you just ground the ball,

like 20 paces in front of you. And then if you like to run and pick it up and then two people run, and now we're both kicking a ball. This is an entire podcast about rounders. Welcome to rounders. No, is that all sporting events. All sporting events.

Because somewhere along the way, everyone went from being like, I've got a book and that's a bat. And it doesn't matter what the team is and we're just running around. Playtime, everyone's like, go and play. And a child will just, you watch a child, your own, ideally, or one that you know.

But you can look at the strangers, if you like. That's what I'm doing now. We do not condone it. Anyway, you watch them play, like, children play with total strangers. Like, and they're not clear what the rules are, but everyone's having a great time, and you just run around. Yeah.

And no one's like, oh, this is the rules, or this is how long the game lasts. You've got it wrong. You can't, it's impossible to get wrong, because no one knows what it is. And now everyone jumps on the bench, and now we jump off the bench. And now...

That's the game. That's the game. like who cares and then somewhere along the way the game is still as dumb you're just hitting a ball and running around but now suddenly it's shifted and you've decided you're not good at it anymore yeah it becomes more competitive and not in a fun way because now the competition isn't oh i lost that one oh i hate it when our team loses and like i'm rubbish yeah i'm rubbish you start to adult it um so before we delve into how to get sporty when you're not also like i suppose that still could be like how to get fit when you just don't want to because

I think everyone can get something out of doing sports. How to return to the joy of playtime. Before we get into that, what's adult thing you've done this week? Mine is quite on, both on brand but also on topic. Mine is that I have sought out a sports video. I have sought out a sports physio. Okay. A high-end sports physio.

Great. For athletes. Those following my splits journey will know, and also my handstand and circus skills journey. I have hit something of an impasse and can't do any more split work. It feels like a Barbie doll's legs and it's not like, oh, I'll keep stretching and that will go. It's like something's going to snap.

Yeah. Like, that doesn't go any. It's like a piece of wood. I was like, something's gone awry in there and it's not like, ooh, a stretch. It's like, a stretch. Okay. Anyway, so I try to explain that to the lady. And, right, so it's many of pro athletes who come here.

So what is it you're working towards? And I was like, just the splits for a. everyone on Instagram. What's the problem with that? Um, anyway, I've got a trapped nerve and I've got a whole issue with the right hand side of my body and, um, it's been, I have to go to physio. Oh, it's rubbish. So, but I'm taking myself seriously and I've got all these special new posture moves that I'm supposed to do. And basically, I could never sit up right, but I always thought that was just, I was a lazy girl and I, and I, and my hunch was my own fault, but I actually have something a bit wrong with my spine. And I, and I physically, the not being able to sit up right

is not just like, she basically was like, don't just keep pushing. You've got to go, as with many things, don't just keep plowing down the road that isn't actually very pleasant. Sometimes you have to go back a few steps and be like, you need to reassess some stuff. Yes.

You need to regroup here. My other thing is pretty much exactly the same. So I'm, regular listeners may have heard me reluctantly tell you last week that I'm not very well. I've got a very bad shoulder and no one knows what it is. And last week, the physio that I see said,

so just do like 15 sets of 30. I was like, oh, well, like a year. He's like, no, no, a day. That's sort of what you're aiming for. It's like... 30 watts. Of the same movement over and over again. 15 sets of 30.

He was like, that's what you want to aim for, but obviously start low because you won't be able to do it and then you have to build it up and build it up. And if you do that, you will be okay within like a month and a half. I was like, well, I want to be okay in a month and a half. I can't do that about it.

exercise. I basically have to stand next to a wall, put my arm at 90 degrees and just push into the wall. I also have to lie down and do this weird like double chin thing. And there's one fun one where I just have to lie with my arms. I mean, I can't do it now, but like, with my arms up and just lie there for 10 minutes. Anyway, the point is, is it's so boring. Are you good at that one? I'm really the line down one. But the point is, is that I'm actually giving it a go and I'm trying to do as many as possible with that rather than my old self, or my young self, which would be like, this looks like bullshit, so I'm not going to, and doing it. But I do look a bit like that scene in the Blair Witch Project, like at the end, and it's just

that man stood in the corner. Have you seen that? I don't watch the Blair Witch. It's horrible, but like at the end, there's, like, and it's like, the witch has got everyone that's just like, it's horrible shot of this guy and he's just stood in the corner on his own and it's like, oh, he's gone mental and why has he done that? That's what I look like. Oh. So that's mine. Getting sporty. that's quite close to my heart because I can't move at the moment

so I've not been able to go to the gym and do proper stuff and the other day I was feeling okay and I went to the gym and I went for a walk on the treadmill and that sounds very normal but I felt really stupid

going for a walk on the treadmill because everyone around me is like you know there's this guy there who gets like the skipping rope he's massively he skipped and then at the end he goes like oh yeah and like throws it back into the thing

you're like, right, I mean, you've just done some skipping. But everything is such like a big performative gym deal, my specific one. No, no, I think that's a universal gym problem. Okay, great. So I think an important thing to know about the gym is everybody there is freaking out about being at the gym. Nobody wants to be seen.

And so if you're thinking, like, I'm not good at the gym. If you did like a heat map of everyone's head, everyone would just be thinking, I'm not going to gym. That's why the guy is going, oh, when he throws a skip. He's like, I've just done some skipping, like a little girl. Exactly. Exactly. I've done a skip. I literally skip.

If I was moving, I'd be skipping around a playground of strangers. So I've got to sort of make it manly. Make it manly now. And I've heard that the men in the weight group, they come up and be to strangers and be like, hey man, can I spot you? Even though you're just doing your own thing. And you're like, no, thank you.

Because then you have to get into like a weights, you know, rotation with them. Sort of like a drinks round. You're like, I don't one around. Imagine if you went to the pub and someone was like, can I get you around? You'd be like, no, thank you. you. I don't want that. I want to drink alone over here. But basically then it becomes

like, I guess prison. Yeah, then you're spotting there. You're trapped there forever. Spotting being like holding someone's ankles, isn't it? No, I think spotting is when you you know, this thing. You bleed between periods. Yes, because when you lie on your back and you push up the you know, the big bar. Yeah.

Guys, can you tell I've never done it? I'm too scared of it in case it collapsed on my chest. And that is why people spot you in case you go like, oh, it's going. So but they have to grab it for you. Oh, that's nice. And they count for you. But it's quite an...

It basically got to a stranger. I mean, like, will you be my personal trainer for a while? And then I'll... And I'll be your personal trainer. You're like, I don't want to do that. But it's like bro code. And so if you can't turn down a bro...

And then you're trapped with your bro. Oh, my God. How stressful is that? Your encoded bro. Because everyone wants the machines and stuff. Anyway, the gym. What I'm saying here is, it's a minefield. So don't let it...

If you really want to go to the gym, don't let that stop you. Because I couldn't confidently tell you what anyone else the room was doing when I was walking. No, exactly. I just too busy thinking out. Everyone was like doing some proper jogging.

No. I've like made my boyfriend come and walk with me. So it's like, well, this is fine. Look, there's that six foot three guy also walking. So this girl, she's walking in a higher gradient. Yeah, and maybe, well, sometimes I do, sometimes I do look over and see what people's numbers are. Right, well, there we go.

So that's already, I never want to go to the gym again. But who cares? It's true, but in that moment, I really care. But that's why you need to start, if you're listening and you're just so not sporty, like more, and you're like worried, you just have to start really small. So like, we did a running podcast a while back and that was really good because it was like, all you have to do is train your brain to do something regularly. So whether that, like, it doesn't matter what you're actually doing, at the start anyway, it doesn't matter if what you're actually doing is just like going for a quick walk for half an hour. If you can do that like four times a week for the first week, then you have already. trained your brain to be like, now it is time, the time do my work. Now it is time. And so then

you can be like, maybe I'll, I'll like jog for half of that. Maybe. Or not. And then maybe I'll try doing a gym thing. Maybe I'll do a class, but I'll stand, I'll go right to the back and no one will see me and it'll be okay. Or maybe I'll do like a beginner something. Just slowly start to, also people often like, in the city, people often have like netball groups. And I always really I join netball groups, but I'm always like, well, they'll probably be excellent, and I'd be like, oh, I can't throw a or catch. But actually, it's quite a fun, and everyone's shit, because it's literally made up of people often, check,

but most of the time it's made up with just people who are available on a Monday night who want to do netball. Yes. Okay, so let's circle into netball. Yeah, okay. So, circle, Gabba. GK. Yeah.

Get in a... GK. I was a goalkeeper. I'm very tall. I'm very tall. Very tall, and I can't shoot. I'm very tall. any other thing?

Yeah, IDD for me. Yeah. Who would be a wing? The weakest... Who would be a wing? Who, if you self-identify as a wing defence? A wing defence.

Wing attack's all right, because it sounds like, yeah. Wing defence is bullshit, mate. Don't get... One of life's wing defence is... Anyway, a solid goal defence who never did a single thing over here. I was absolutely hopeless at it. Anyway, hopeless at netball at school. So, netball is one of the ones that people are...

is like, get in a netball, get in the netball. So I would recommend getting a gang together before you can get in the netball. Yeah. Don't join. Oh, don't join strangers netball. I have heard from reports from several people. Even people who were like county netball when we were at school.

Who are like... Life centres. Yeah. Centers, the centres were always going. Life centers. Who were like, bitch, I got this going along to one of those like Monday night netballs. I mean like, I do not got this. Oh, no.

I have been once, a friend of mine joined a group. I think they were called The Honey Badgers. And if you are listening, you were mean. Oh. You, she couldn't go and she said to me. She was like, do you want to go to the thing? It's so fun and so casual. I was like, of course, fun.

I went along. And I'm quite tall. They were honestly eight foot tall. It was like when, what's his face? Sigourney Weaver meets the Navi in Avatar. Right. That's how big they were. Imagine just going and playing with them.

And I'm quite tall. And I'm a gold at best. thought I knew what was doing. Anyway, it's not a netball anymore. It's called fives. And it's this insane game where every time you score, you score, your team rotate counterclockwise. Every time in position. Yeah. So everybody plays all the different positions. There's no like, I'm center anymore. The center is like gone. So you can't just like hover on the back as your little goal defense. No. Sometimes you won't have to be a center when your goal defense. Oh my God. The wings are obviously gone because everyone realized they were useless. But now everyone has to play every position.

So you don't get to hide at the back being the goalkeeper. And also, it's like, and also they were scoring, these Amazons were scoring so fast that it was constantly like, change, change, I couldn't tell which direction we were going. So I was just like running about while they were like, nobody would even look at me. It's so stressful. Then I scored a goal and I felt the beast news. That was good. That was good. So I really redeemed myself. Anyway, the point is quite stressful and I think that is quite a universal opinion. So go into a netball. I thought you had to get like seven or eight people. And that's quite hard sometimes to get seven or eight people to do netball.

Yes. Five or four other people, yeah, that's not, that's not out of the ordinary. Not, what's not out of the ordinary? It's not extraordinary. We're two. We need three more people and that's a,

that's a bloody game. We have three listeners. Yeah, probably. Probably. Guys, join in. So, it's all on you here. Yeah, so that is, and also if you, once you, even if you're like,

I haven't got five, four friends, you have, and if you ask them, like in a chain letter, ask your work, ask your work, ask your work to ask, on, like, everybody you know would quite like to hang out on a Monday night and play. Everyone needs to be sportier than they are, and everyone knows that. And I think a team game is the most fun way to be sporty. I think that's like, surely we can all agree with that.

Surely we can all agree. And also, we just have to change the mindset of like, oh, I'm bad, I won't be any good at this. It's like, nobody cares if you're good or bad. Yeah. Everyone just needs you to be a body on the pitch so they can run around. Yeah. Like, just take that pressure off yourself. Be like, it's meaningless. It's absolutely meaningless. There's also, like, moving away from, like, joining a team or whatever. I remember when I first started kind of tentatively trying to exercise and stuff, you forget that there are, like, so many different types of things you can do.

You can just swimming. I mean, personally, I don't like swimming, but you love swimming, don't you? And, like, it really, like, chills you out. And I know people that really just love going to the pool and doing a few lengths. It's such a nice, non-sweighty activity. I know people with underwater headphones who listen to audio books. Yes, that's very cool. That's very cool.

Yeah, you can get those like waterproof iPods. Could be. M.P.3 players. Something like that. It is all about, all about like with everything. Feeling confident and feeling like, yes, okay, I want to be a bit more sporty and I'm not. So what can we do about it rather than being one of those people who are very loudly says things like, oh, I never do any exercise at parties.

Because then it's like, cool, but you're going to, you should. Yeah. There's no way that you don't. believe that you truly think that's fine. Yeah. Because you know, even without all the science, like, you know in yourself that, like, when you've run around, you're like, I feel better. I feel better.

I feel happy. I also feel like I've lived. I've lived a day. I've lived a day. I've moved my body. I've done some things. I've returned to the, you know, joyful hysteria of the playground. Absolutely.

Or I've, I've started listening to this podcast, to this podcast. No, right? No, I haven't. Um, is this podcast called, oh, stuff they don't want you to know. Oh, yes. This is one on Incells, which I'm fascinated by, and I've been listening to that while going on it on the treadmill, and then if I feel like, yeah, I can do a bit more,

I put like the gradient up, not the speed. I'm still walking the same speed, so I don't feel like, oh my God, I'm going to fall off and why if my shoulder goes, whatever, it's still manageable. It's like I'm walking upstairs. And then if I'm like, I'm too tired, I just stop it. Rather than this, this, like, I walked past gym box or something the other day, and it was like, if you're not sweaty, you might as well die.

Oh, there's another one where there's a guy's face, He just looks like he's in pain and he's like, and they're like, live for this or something. Because the sports companies live and die by emulating this extreme human achievement. Roger Federer. Roger. I'll bring him up again. I don't care. Michael Phelps, my one true love.

Oh my God, is he? I'm actually thinking of Ian Thorpe. Who's Ian Thorpe? I don't know who Ian Thorpe is. I don't know if I know who Ian Thorpe is. Right, but he's your one true love. I think he's an Australian swimmer. I think I've combined two...

Ian Thorpe. I'll tell you right now. I think he's a swimmer cause of Thorpego. I retired Australians. Oh, he's fit, yeah. Yeah, and who's Michael Phelps? He's an American summit. Fantastic.

They've both got massive feet. They have, yeah. They're the biggest... Yeah, like flippers. Yeah. Anyway, so those two were just like... Basically swim... Like fish, like fish made human.

And they were... When you see them, like, coming through, like, you know... You see anyone coming through the finish line and it's this like intense, you know, and so quite rightly, I'm like, oh, not for me. Right? No, not for 99% of the population, which is why only someone. people have massive feet and gold medals. You know, it doesn't have to be for everyone.

No. You can enjoy the thing without it being this intense. Yeah, this competitive element, which is, yeah, it is hard because you can't stop yourself. And also, you have to, the more you do it, or the more, certainly, the more I, I, when I used to go to the gym, I was able to go to the gym, I would, the more I got into it, the more I was, sort of get into the whole, like, Instagram fitness thing. I'd be looking at people like, yeah, I'll do that. like yeah I'll do that

and then suddenly you don't realize but now you're competing with like other people on Instagram to like do the most number of these things or this girl posted her exercise regimen regimen and it means now that it doesn't matter what I do

it's always I always know it's weaker I hate that it's like two hours a day and I she's mad yeah these people are mad because they don't have lives I guess so when you do something just be pretty proud of yourself for having done something, I think.

Yes. And do you have, I don't, I'm just rambling. No, no. You have good points, I think. I can see you look like you've got business. No. Okay. Well, I do have some business. Right.

But first I was going to say about Jonathan Van Hess, the lovely one from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Oh, I do love him. With his long hair and his lovely beard. Yes, he's great. He has made a comedy show called, like he's touring a live show called 2020 Road to Tokyo, which, oh no, it seems to called Road to Beijing. It's called something. I think it's so funny because the expression

road to Beijing is very humorous to me. And I saw that and I thought that was just a standalone joke. What a funny thing to call it a show. Yeah. And then it turns out he's like learning to ice skate and in the middle of his show he gets out a mat and does like a gymnastic routine on the crowd. It's so funny. He's not doing it to be he's doing his best. Yeah, of course. This is not a humorous performance. No, but it is funny. It's more funny about the sheer, like, why the fuck not? Of, like, watching a grown man show you, like, his gymnastic routine, and, which is

very good. He does, like, a backflip. Amazing. But not when you can, not when you've seen an actual gymnast, you know, it's like, it's, like, it's not Simone Biles. It's just a man doing a back, which is very impressive, but he's a grown man when they're made to watch the gymnastics show. Anyway, if you follow him on Instagram, he's learning to ice skate, and boy, is he doing well.

Great. I keep sending him comments. Just like, what an improvement? Like, he was so bad when he started. And now that if anyone's watching ITV's quite badly made show, Dancing on Ice, where's Nelson from Love Island, is astonishingly good. He's like, he has improved at such a rate that now Jonathan looks quite poor in comparison. Okay.

But my point is, watching him was so pure. his Instagram stories because he's just learning to ice skate for his own self. He likes the outfits. He's got himself a pair of white ice skates. It's not for anyone. It's just like, here's a dream I've always had. Fucking get involved. And there's no sense of like, but what's it for?

It's like, who cares what it's for? Who doesn't want to learn to ice skate? And so I think go and watch his Instagram, follow his stuff and just be like, oh shit. Like if here's this grown man experiencing joy on such a pure level, like, why not? Yeah, absolutely. Get in there. Go and learn the thing you always wanted to do. Yeah.

And like download all the apps and all that stuff that people are like, oh, you know, like if you are into running, like download the running apps that, just make sure they're not, like, connected to your social media, because I don't need to see how far you've run.

No. But I will always support you if you tell me how far you've run. Yes, but don't show us. We don't care. You don't need to see that. But like, just, yeah, do all the stuff that you can to help yourself. Yeah, 100%.

So some group and some group activities and activities that, so firstly, get a friend if you can find one. Find a friend. Find a friend. Do your thing together and doesn't have to be care about who's better or not. It's a hundred percent I got going for a beer afterwards. That is what someone described recently that it was like, I think a runner's high. It might just be the high you get when you get to stop running. You're like a hundred percent. That's exactly what it is. Like, of course it's that. So just find a friend to go for a beer after your thing with. Beyonce dance classes. Right. I've done that. It was absolutely incredible. Yeah.

Because what was so great about it is I arrived and was like, oh my God, have I made a terrible mistake. Am I going to go there and it's going to be all these like really cool black girls who can like dance properly and do all the Beyonce moves that I can't as quite a malcoordinated. And broken. Broken at the moment. I was I was quite strong then but I was still very much dance like a white girl and I was like oh my god have my mouth and it wasn't it was a mixture of all different types of people who just liked Beyonce and it was wonderful. No one could dance No one could really do it properly, but we all just, like, laughed and laughed and laughed.

If you live in London, drink shop do do, do loads, drink shop do do do, do loads of Beyonce dance classes. And they're amazing, there's another one. Everyone has something like that, but I would highly recommend that. Even if you just do like once a month. Yeah, it's so fun. Get a pal. What friend would not want to do a Beyonce dance class? Right?

And if you, Michelle. Quite right. that's a stone cold burn trampolining I've done that as well Wow So fun Sometimes it's like trampeting almost

It's like little tiny ones Really hard, really good Go and learn to trampoline Go and learn to do a cool flip on a trampoline Go to one of those bounce places That have the Like a whole room That you just bounce

The whole floor is a trampoline Obviously go to the classes But also go to Yeah there's all those like cool trendy Like ping pong bars And it's like that And you can use it to just casually see if you're into it.

So you're like, hey, let's look at margaritas and just play ping pong. Like, it's not even right. And you're like, actually, if I'm not ping pong. Then you can go to ping pong. I'm phenomenal. I'm phenomenal. Or table tennis doesn't know to the professionals. A friend of mine started going to archery lessons for no other reason.

He just loves archery and wants to do it. Wants to have a bow and arrow like Robin Hood and genuinely loves it. Like absolutely one of his favourite things. It's great. Archery. Yeah. Because that's the thing is you start to realize, especially with the rise of the internet, you're like if you can think it someone will teach you yes oh yeah and it will and it will have like a cool

for it yes uh exactly uh climbing yes climbing is cool i've never done that in the there's loads of indoor climbing places but there's also the great outdoors yes be careful obviously obviously be take you can't you can't go outside yeah go indoors or otherwise follow a group climb or whatever with people you just get up there and then be like oh the podcast told me We didn't. No. You can't belay yourself off that carabina.

And that also, that also, what's the word, applies to a parkour. Very fun. Don't do it. No, unless you've got friends who are very experienced. Join a parkour group. Yes, where they have... Learn to parkour. 100% that's out there.

Learn to do it. Do not just start parkouring. Very bold of you. Skateboarding equally. Go and learn to skateboard. Go and do all these stuff that you think. thought like, yeah. Dry slope skiing.

That's fun. That's less scary than actual skiing, I feel. Exactly. Yeah. Also, it's less expensive. Also that. Roller Derby and all roller skating. This has changed so many of my friends' lives.

Right? Genuinely, they've gone from being like, I don't know, I'm going through a break up. I'm the queen of roller derby. I've got a nickname and I've painted this thing on my helmet and I've gone tattoo. We all have T-shirts that have our, yeah, we have like a team name. Yeah, it's called something like, The hard-rolling honeies.

Exactly. Yeah. They're all hard-rolling honeys. The hard-ons. And there we go. For example. They're all about the puns. It's majestic.

Pole dancing. Yeah, I frightened of that, because I just feel like everyone would be like... Let's explore. Get sexual. And I'd be like, I just want to have fun. Absolutely not. I don't think it's a particularly sexual thing.

Okay. I mean, obviously. Obviously. Obviously, it's... It's come from that. Yes, certainly. And it obviously can be sexual. But I think even...

Watch me. Absolutely. I think even if you, and who among us has not seen a white, white lady swing around a pole at a nightclub and attempted to look sexy and then been like, oh gosh, this is a, this is a pass. Yes. But if you actually, there's like world championships in it, there's like, if you actually see them sort of, you know, climbing up there and then like drop it, there's nothing particularly sexual about it. It's more sort of terrifyingly impressive. Yeah, very athletic. And incredibly athletic, and it makes you this amazingly strong core that can, like, hold yourself up a pole. Also, I think that's one of those things that, like, so it's quite late at a pub, and everyone's chatting, and you just go, like, I poll dance. Yeah, yeah, that's not a sexual thing. Like, I'm really good at it.

And everyone's, like, secretly in their head is like, that's a cool thing. That's just throw it in there. Like with any of these things, like, yeah, I skate. Yeah, yeah, I skate. Yeah, it's just a cool thing. Yeah. It's like a hobby. It is a hobby.

and it's so good for your brain to like put aside an evening or a day or whatever to do something. And it just feels like if you're going to do a hobby, you might as well do a hobby that also makes you healthier. Yes. I feel like that anyway. And something's so nice about any of these like beginners classes and like going something and being like, oh, like this man works in accounts and this man works for Xbox. And here we all are and we've all come to learn this thing. No one has any experience. Yeah.

It's a bit like, I was going to say online dating. but in the sense that like there's no particular shame in going on the day because everyone's like well we both went on the app like we're all here we've all signed up to bring in us bring in us there's no like someone being like what what you do like you're all in it yeah yeah and we've all signed up um and i think the pole dancing thing comes with the magical added caveat of you will definitely be able to show it off oh sure uh can you can you need a pole uh you just need any strong structure maybe a man a man just climb a a man. No, because like everyone's been in a bar with a pole. I don't think I have. You said that before and I was like, I'll let it go. You've never been in a bar with a pole? Right. You've never been anywhere with a pole and then like a group of girls have gotten and like basically rub their butt crack up and down the pole.

Hang on. I'm now... I don't go to nightclubs. No, but you have been in there. But no, no, no, now I'm remembering... Surgery. I'm searching my deep, deep mind. Yes, that I've been in nightclubs where and there's like a sort of cage. And it's like, she's in the cage. Yeah. And then I think I once, I think what's happened is I seem to remember that I was once put in the cage. I think I had a breakdown.

So in terms of just being like, well, I don't know what to do in the cage. So I was like pretending to be a woman in the cage rather than like be like a sexy dancing woman. And then they took me out very quickly. Understood. So I probably have just blanked that out. Understood. So mine is coming hard and fast from going to. You weren't for it, didn't you?

Oh yeah. Of course. Because I wanted to do that thing where you launch a bit of a run and then swing. so I thought I thought and have always thought that I can see it in my head what it looks like I can do it so I did it and I couldn't

it's really hard very hard you need to have an incredibly strong core incredibly strong core and so my memory of going to this Gatley Club is just my friend Sally enlisting total strangers while she attempts to climb up and then she was shouting at the strangers like

lift me lift me and we were all having to like lift her up a pole it's very hard it was a great night out Anyway, my point is, you can definitely show it off. Okay. And even if you don't, not actually with a pole, then I'm sure with, you know, against a fence or something that you can use... Go on a country walk. Go on a country walk.

Surprise everyone. With your skills. Surprise your ground with your fence dancing skills. Also, I just think you will be... If you can go up and down a pole and do that sort of stuff, you will be strong in all senses. Exactly. You'd be...

I remember when, like, I did a very meager sort of 10K run a couple of years ago. And I wasn't doing a lot of going for... runs but I was like doing a lot of other exercise guys like spinning and things like that and they all just mean that you can do overall just fit like I was well fit but like you can do anything really exactly so then if you do loads of pole dancing then you will be better at you know loads of other stuff but you'd be better at everything you're better at maths um number one um and I'll have got on here were uh uh trapeas that's I think if we're talking about if someone's not like very sporty and just to get into sport if you then tell them to go to a

trapeze class. I'm all in. I think they'll start there. Okay start start with a trapeze because if you wanted to do running swimming or football you'd have already done it like I disagree I think often people want to do stuff but they're just like I'd be frightened with the social aspect of it like I see a whole team together where they think throwing yourself off a plinth, a great height into someone's hands. There's just, I don't know, there's just something about that.

There's genuine fear rather than the kind of social fear. Okay, so more beginner ones. Pole Vault. And the high board at the diving centre. The high board of the diving, I'm fucking out there. The 80 foot dive.

Jesus Christ. The thought of doing that makes me feel... I could never. Could you not? Never, never, never, never. I'm never getting off that thing because I know I can't get off I know what would happen.

Yes. So with other things, like, for example, when he launched yourself at that pole, you did, there was no part of you that thought this might go wrong. You were like, absolutely, whereas in with a diving board, you can visualize. Okay, a memory has surfaced,

and it is me going off the high board. Right. But it's the smallest one. You're like a dog. Like, if you've been, like, punished and you're like, I understand not to do that. Yeah, yeah. Whereas if you have them, you're like,

I will absolutely try to. I'll give that a good go. I went off the high board. Okay. Like, honestly, it was two foot, you know, it was not high. No, but it's still a high. And I did just a pencil jump. Sure.

And I thought, that's totally achievable. I'm going to try and flip. Well, halfway down. Oh, no, I did a pencil jump. And I was like, oh, that went better than expected. Oh, I see, I see. Round I go again. I thought you tried to turn it into a flip halfway through.

Halfway through. No, no, no. Okay, so then you do a flip. You know how they come to the back? Obviously, I'm just, we watch a lot of the Olympics. We've been to a lot of the Olympics. And I'm really sort of into the visual admin, around the thing.

When they start. When they start. So I'm always climbing off stuff and then doing a gymnastic display to the judges or whatever. So the diving thing I like would get to the end. I did a lot of deep breathing like I was going for gold.

And then I did the run and double jump. Oh my fucking jump and bounce. Oh my God. To make it look profus. Of course. And then what's the flip? What do in the air? It did a sort of rotation.

Okay. Didn't make it all the way out. No. Because I can't do a rotation. hit the water sort of quite flat my back sort of ricocheted over I thought it was broken

surfaced I was absolutely fine but I was like never again yeah that would be terrified yeah so what I'm saying is go in it took me like a year as a child to even attempt a dive because I thought my head was going to go into my body says quite a lot about our personalities

yeah you've got to get your hands take the way take the thing on your hands like your head no I know but I was terrified that the last minute I'd be like no and then I'd go in headfirst.

I understand. I was always worried. I just think, I would love the idea just like going to the pool and doing a few lengths. I just hate swimming, so I won't be doing that. But get the gear, I think is a thing. Get the gear is such a big one.

It also was great. It's now, like, you don't have to spend a lot of money. Like, I went into H&M recently, and there was like a whole sports gear section. Get some fun, cheap gear. Primeark have really cool sports stuff. Like, just look the part for whatever you're doing. 90% of the journey.

It really is. It looks amazing. Alternatively, if you don't want to... So like, if you're joining a netball group and you're a bit worried, and you don't want to turn up, like, dressed like some sort of absolute genius and you can't catch...

In a trash suit and then you rip them off and they're in like the England colours. Yeah, I think maybe only dress the part when you're like alone and you're doing your thing and you need some confidence. Hair and a French plat. Whereas I... Small gold chain with a cross on it

and then every time you do anything, just thank God. Like, thank the Lord, thank you God. God, yeah, it's American. You're going for the American. But no, show up to netball in a large baggy t-shirt. Quite chilled out vibe. I think hair and a low pony. A low pony.

Or one of those are doing, like, fold your pony back because it's like a half bun, half-pone. Sure. You know? Sure, yeah, yeah. And it's a bit messy. Or loose. Just like, set your bars solo.

Come in your work clothes. Just heels. Come in heels. Just a tot around the court. But whatever will make you feel. feel like, okay, like, I'm not going to panic when I arrive there. I think it's very important. But I think, as well, it's 90% just actually getting out the door and going to do it. So just make sure that you have time and you like, set aside and time.

Like, this is going to be my time to do something fun for me, for my health. And once again, get that buddy involved. Get the body, the friend. So that you both, you're sort of relying on the other person. Yeah. But get one who doesn't flake, because that's the worst. When you have, like, a flaky friend and they're constantly can't. And secondly, what's the point of this?

Cut them loose. Get someone serious. Get someone who's like fucking sick. Get Michael Phelps or Ian Fork involved. And famously, the runners say you've got to train with somebody one second better than you. So you're like always. The point is it's not a competition. Oh, sorry.

Yes. If anything, train with someone who's one second worse than you, so you feel really good. What I actually meant in that in context was train with somebody. No, you're quite right to stop me because it's not competitive. Train with somebody who is one second more committed to the activity than you are. Oh, yeah. So there's no point, if you are the one who's dragging the person, you'll always feel more shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then if they're not having...

If they're really into it. Yeah. So go with someone who's like, where are you? We're going to this. Yes, I'm psyched. Yeah. And because if you're the one who's like, come with me to this and then they're like, I'm not having a good time. You're like, well, you're a bad friend. Yeah. So yeah. I do... And obviously it's quite... And do something else with them. They can be your friend for brunching. But you need a friend for sporting. A sporting friend. And ideally, combine the brunch and the sport. Of course. Park rum, baby. They run two cafes at the moment, so it's amazing.

And you just end up having a lovely brunch. We've waxed on about Park Run out of the past. It's 5K, Saturday morning 9am. You're done at half-past nine. You go, just Google it, and anyone can sign up when there are park runs all over the UK. It's amazing. It's completely free. You can go online and get yourself a little barcode, and then they scan you at the end,

but you can also not get the barcode. And just do it for love. Just do it for run. And people clap you, and people are there with, there's old ladies push chairs, you know, people are going so slowly so there will be no sense that you, you know. I think that's, I think it's such a moment. Or start your own one that's just once around the field and then brunch. Oh my God, do that. Do that.

That sounds great. It's only for how unspeakably smug you'll be at the brunch place. Yeah, alone, with a book. Alone with a book. And in your gear and everyone's like, oh, that bitch ran here. She just went for a rant. She just went for a ran. Yeah.

Well, hopefully that has helped and makes you feel like you can be sporty when you're not sporty because you only are what you're doing. So if the moment you're not doing anything and you're not sporty, the moment you go for a run or that you do anything, you are a sporty person in that moment. You can make yourself sporty. Yeah, just switch that mindset off that says, I'm not good at sports.

A hunch then you are because, of course you are. If you're out and you're doing it. You're doing it. If you can move, you can move more. I'm a right lady. Oh, that's so good. Get that on the app. And get a friend.

Get a friend. Just make friends. Just make some friends. Go do those. Go do that running around play. tweet us when you're doing something, tweet us if you end up joining a class, we end up like winning Roller Derby. Or if you have another one that we haven't mentioned. Yes, please do.

We'll join. At Times, location specific. At Nobody Panic pod or email us for future podcast episode. Nobody Panic Podcast at gmail.com. I'm on at SteevM. Yes is a 5. At Tesicoats. And if I may as well, just very quickly, everyone normally turns off at this point.

So it's pointless. But I'm doing, if you're in London, I'm in this really, really fun play. that I think you were really enjoy. We call The Lone Duler. And it's on its Soho Theatre, March 11th to 16th. And it's basically, if you want to see me sword fighting, basically just like throwing myself all over place. It's like a medieval swashbuckling romp.

And I just, it's just like a right good laugh. It's an hour long. And it's 7.15. So you can die. Bring a friend. Go for a beer. Go to your sporting activity afterwards. Oh my God. Take up fencing as a sport.

Take up fencing. That's a fun sport. That's a fantastic choice. Do fencing and then come in. see the lone dula at the Soho Theatre. But yeah, thank you so much for listening. We will be back next week in an area that doesn't have weird children, planes,

and just like an odd sound. I think you can hear my washing machine at one point. So things for us. An ambient soundscape. It is. Bye. Bye-bye.