Nobody Panic - How to Be the Perfect Restaurant Guest with Ed Gamble

Episode Date: April 20, 2021

If you’ve forgotten how to go to a restaurant, this live episode recorded back in October with the brilliant Ed Gamble should jog your memory. Stevie, Tessa and Ed talk through their do’s, don’ts and pet peeves surrounding eating out. Spoiler: don’t be a dick to the waiting staff eh?This episode was recorded as part of Unmute: The Online Podcast Festival.Want to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive Productions.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Follow Nobody Panic on Twitter @NobodyPanicPodPart of Unmute: The Online Podcast FestivalFollow Unmute on Twitter and Instagram @unmutepodfestSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The date is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace. It's coming to London. True on Saturday the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September at King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. was recorded as part of the Unmeat Live Podcast Festival all the way back in October, but we're putting it out now because restaurants are tentatively open again. So here is our live episode with the wonderful Ed Gamble. Hello and welcome to Nobody Panic. The live version. I'm on my bed. And Tessa, you're buy some flowers?

Oh yes, look, I'm decorating the, just making the area look nice. I'm also, I'm off the edge of my bed, squatting. off the edge of the bed. Glamorous locations. Today we are talking about how to be the perfect diner in a restaurant with Ed Gamble. Let's get this show on the road. Let's bring him out. Here he is.

He's already here. I'm here already. Ed Gamble. Room for me, guys. We're on for a small one. I was faded in. Faded in so dramatically. Hello, Ed Gamble.

How are you? I'm very well, thank you. How are you guys? Yeah, all right. You've got a fancy old. set up there. You look like an old-fashioned sports commentator. Yes, that's very much the vibe I'm going for. I'm looking to corner sports in the past, finally. At the beginning of every podcast episode, we like to ask each other the most adult or adult thing they've done this week,

Edmund Gamble. What's the most adult thing you have done this week? Or adult thing, X-rayed thing you've done this week. I'll stick with the sort of PG thing that I've been up to to this week. I mean, we briefly, a quick peek behind the scenes, we did a technical run-through of this show. We just checked everything was working. And everyone seemed to be amazed that I was drinking out of a massive water jug. That's the size of me.

Yeah, it's two litres. I'm trying to get through two of these a day, which feels adult. I'm trying to stay hydrated, but also I think it might be indicative of the fact I don't have a lot on. Understood. So I think I'm just, as long as I stay hydrated, I feel like I've achieved something in my day. That's a massive, that's a huge achievement.

Also, that thing looks like an office water cooler. Like, that's absolutely huge. Yeah, we're just me and the other people who work here gather around it. And we chat about what we've been up to and what we've seen on TV. But no one else drinks it other than you. Yeah, no, it's just me. And I can't stress this enough. No one else works here.

Well done. It's impressive. Tip my lemon gin and tonic. Tesla, what's your adult thing this week? Oh, I'm not telling you that. I'm just telling you about what I'm drinking, which is this car, car fruit punch.

One of these bad boys. I'm drinking a car. I'm drinking a whole car. And I put it in this fancy glass. And let me tell you, I'm absolutely loving it. 40 pence from your local real, real retail outlet. Just go to your local real estate vendor and just ask for a glass

and they'll give you one. and then they'll give you a glass. They'll give you one. But what is the adult thing that you've done this week, Tessa? Come on, give it to me. Oh, God. Mine is, uh, got a bra on. Yes.

For a bra on. And I've honestly, I put it on and I was like, wow. These are high. Like, I was like, and I used to wear this every day, did I? And it was up here. And I just, I was like, I kept blubing like, I could put my chin on them. They're so high up. Um, I basically not had to have.

a bra on all lockdown and um it was like putting on like an 18th century corset i was like i don't think this will survive um but it felt very grown up i went i um i had a you know i was like all right i'm committing i'm putting this bra on i'm i'm going out for the day look i've got dressed you know so it very good that that feels too high the bar or the bosoms yeah you saw you're sort of saying they were here and you know look yeah i'm not i'm not here i'm not here to explain bras to But, can you not? But that feels high, doesn't it? Honestly, that is, well, they've been about to my navel most lockdown.

And now they're like, honestly, I just was taken aback that how high they were. And I would say, yeah, like a, I could have put my chin on there. You can balance a cereal bowl and just enjoy some, yeah, cheerios. Laugh away, laugh away at the cereal bowl like a dog. Lovely. Yeah, and that's it. And that's, and that's, and that. And that's the new normal, okay?

And that's what we can all. Brilliant. Oh, God. What's yours? My adult thing is, it's not really an adult thing because I did get scammed. Oh, God. I went on a popular secondhand clothing and apparently electricals app. Deepop thought, I'd like some AirPods, but I don't want to pay the amount that is happening for them.

Turns out, if somebody is selling AirPods for 40 pounds and then tells you, can you please take the buyer protection off because I need money now and you do that it's a scam and what was so sad about it was that when I did it I knew it was a scam but I thought maybe they do need the money

and sometimes Stevie you've got to put a little bit of trust out there otherwise you don't get anything back and then they just took the money from me yeah but I think the adult thing was I dealt with it very well I was like and then rather than cry I thought oh I hope that they did scam me for the reasons that they gave, which was that they needed the money.

Can I see your scam story and raise you a scam story? Of course. It's actually a hustle. So many years ago, I was walking along London's South Bank and I saw a hustle. So I had seen it, this thing they were doing on the TV show, The Real Hustle, and you put balls under cups. Like, one man is putting balls under cups and you say, like, find the ball. And then a crowd gathers. and you're like, oh, it's there, obviously, under the middle ball,

and someone, like, you double your money. So you give 10, 20 pounds, and they give you back double if you guess where the ball is. And then, but then two of the people in the crowd are also part of the scam. So that when you're just watching as a punta, you're like, oh, yeah, okay, well, this guy keeps winning. Like, oh, my God, I can do it as well. So I saw this happening at a distance. And I was like, I was alone.

I was like, guys, there's a hustle. This is a hustle. And I went on. And I was like, I was like, I was like whispering to people in the, thing being like, this is a hustle. And then I just watched it for so long that I was like, I think I know where the ball is. And then I got a hustle. And you knew it was a hustle.

I knew it was a hustle. I fucking, I paid it. I did it. I gave my money in. And the ball wasn't there. I got hustled. That's the confidence of that of being like, it's a hustle, but I'm going to out hustle the hustler now is, that's really impressive.

Oh yeah. And it's like, I see your game, but I think I can get you. That's so funny. I've thought about it for years, because honestly, I remember walking away, just like feeling like the electric buzz of being hustled. Just my brain was like, you're an imbecile. I can't believe it happened to me. Anyway, and then last year, walking along Westminster Bridge,

I saw it again. And I was like, okay, don't go anywhere near it, obviously. But I saw this old guy was like watching for ages. And then he went to like open his wallet. And I was like, oh my God, no, no, no. I'm going to go get that old man and make sure he. doesn't get involved in this hustle. And I was like about to go up and be like,

no, no, sir, sir. And then as I got to him, he opens his little old wallet like that, pulls out his police badge. It was the police. It was the copo. The hustler got hustle. F-in poe.

That's such a good, cyclical story. What a circular tale. And then the policeman got hustled, right? And then he in turn was also part of the hustle and round and round the hustle. And somehow you gave 20 pounds again. Just heist in the hise.

And you ended up in jail and with no money. I was like, I just gave out 20 pounds. Anyway, then I took the guy for dinner and I said to him, what makes a perfect diner? And low. Listen, how to be well behaved in restaurants, how to be a good egg. We've got Ed Gamble, of course, from hit, critically disclaimed yet and And

Disclaimed and poor Disclaimed and poor podcast No bad How would you critically Disclaim a podcast? You'd just be like It doesn't exist It's not a podcast

It's not real I would critically I would critically Disclaim you By repeatedly Trashing you in the press That's what I do I'd love that

I'd love a bit of beef Imagine if we just Just started a terrible rivalry That in years to come They made documentaries about And it was called Well podcast Wars It's not very good, isn't it? Let me think of it, and I'll dwell on what our documentary's about.

Of course not. It's a good podcast. It's much loved. People shouted, people shouted, have a popodom you wanker or something while you ran the marathon. Is that right? Yes, that's the catchphrase. Have a popadom you wanker. We say it to every guest we have. It's some of the guests we don't actually know very well, so it's a bit much when we have people on who we don't know is to have a popadom you wanker. What did they say to you? when you ran the marathon. Popatoms or bread is the catchphrase, which is shouted aggressively by James Aicester,

but now I've heard the alternative of have a popadum you wanker. Popatum or Bread, so sorry. I really got in my head that people like quite meanly, like trolled you as you round the marathon. I'm so sorry. I don't have got that off. It was quite friendly.

It was supposed to be supportive. And hey, I know your podcast and I enjoy your podcast. No one, in your head, were they throwing popadoms at me as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, that's honestly what I thought.

I mean, I thought it was in good humor. I thought they were, I didn't think they disliked you. I thought they were like, they just knew, but you were like 20 miles were like, this is not, I haven't got any bar denage, please, don't do my bits with me. I don't want to popadom, I feel sick. Stop calling me a banker. That's honestly what I thought.

Sorry. Anyway, the podcast, I haven't even said that the podcast is called Off Menu. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be allowed to be in charge of the intros. I was going to say very quickly that the reason we've got Ed on to talk about food and restaurants is that they have every guest. They have like a fantasy diner. A fantasy diner.

So the guests will discuss basically anything that you can imagine about food opinions. Yeah, we do have a popad on you wanker. We do still all sparkling, your twat. Sparkling is insane to me. I wouldn't have sparkling if you paid me. You think it's lemonade. It's a dreadful drink. So again, you get hustled every time, do you?

even though you're holding it going I know it's not lemonade I know it's not lemonade it might be lemonade Good Lord And lo What makes a perfect diner For the podcast we were saying

You know I was like I can bring my I used to be a waitress for many years And Tessor says And I will list all of the things that I demand I'm like this is going to be Really great No I'd like to say excuse me

I'm listen I'd like to say 10 years of catering under my belt And sometimes in public restaurants, I panic when someone shouts service. And I think I have to get the meal. Listen, don't think I haven't done my time in the kitchen. I 100%. I've seen you do your time. You've seen me get up in restaurants to serve meals when we have gone out for dinner.

And I don't think that's a good way of being a perfect diner. I don't think you should ever get up and start trying to help. I think that's, if anything, the worst thing you can do. There's an amazing Kirby enthusiasm episode where Larry can see his food on the pass. and it's not being brought over to him so he just gets up and gets it himself and it must be the most infuriating thing if you're working in a restaurant

if a diner decides I just go and help out can I carry that for you can I do that just getting in the way it's both patronising and also very upset there's like a even if it doesn't look like it that is a system

so when a diner takes the food off the pass then the waiter looks at the pass and goes I guess the chef has taken it away so then just nothing will ever happen you'll never get like then you'll get another meal no one will ask you for salt and pepper if you want it or pompersearche if you've got an Italian dish but let's should we go through the process

chronologically as it were so like when you arrive at the restaurant I'm on the charm offensive from minute one in a restaurant because my nightmare is anyone thinking that I'm not a good person so I'm straight through the door and if anything I'm probably too much

I'm basically arriving like it's my first friend's house and I'm so grateful to be there. Thank you so much. Oh, would you like this table here? Yes, please. Sit me on the floor. Feed me like a dog. I don't care. Thank you so much for everything. When you get shown to your table, I'm very much like, I've got a table. Thank you so much. Whereas I, the person I'm with will pretty much nine times out of ten be like, sorry, can we go over by the window? And that's not necessarily rude. And I'm not saying that's the wrong thing, because you also should, you should ask for what you want. However, I curl up and die inside. And I'm like, I,

can I actually, I'll sit in the bin, I'll sit in the bin and then you can feed me litter. Tessa. Okay, yeah. So I just, I'm, I'm the person who would like to move the table. Yes, I know. Yes, it's me. Food makes or breaks my day. So if this meal, if I'm in the wrong corner and there's a good table, I just, I'll just spend my whole meal. I'll just be like, forget it, forget it. Why might as well go home, you know? I'm so miserable that I'm in the, it's the way in which you say it. So I guess you can, yeah, there's, I suppose then. Oh my God. But I'm also on the charm offensive. Listen, I am, I'm also want to be everybody's favour.

I want everyone to, I'm trying to make everybody laugh. I want everybody to think I'm a great gal. But I also really want that table by the window, you know? And I, and I also, I'm quite, I gauge whether my dining companion will die if I ask, or if there's somebody who, if we move, that will be, that will be fine. So I would never, if we, if we ever go to a restaurant, please don't ask to move to people. Don't say a fucking word. No way. No way.

I'd rather, you ask to move tables and they, as a punishment, sit as next to the toilet. I don't think. I thought you're going to say, ask to move tables and I move, but you remain. Yeah, you go, you go away. I just, I don't want to cause any trouble whatsoever. So I want to sit there eating my meal, even if I'm by the toilet, even if I'm in an alley out, out the back. I want to sit there.

I want to eat my meal and think, I bet they're all in the kitchen now talking about what a nice guy I am. Also, as well, from the waitress perspective, you get obviously areas, and often when there's a busy time, you have to seat somebody in a particular area because that waiter doesn't have anyone, for example, that they're looking after, whereas you have 17,000.

And then what happens is the person goes, sorry, can I sit there? And you're like, brilliant. Yes, I'll also serve you as well as 15 other people. So there's often a reason that you don't realize as to why you, But also I was going to say, what do you guys feel about that they're kind of new, it's not new, it's not like I'm 90 years old, but the idea of, you know, like Wagamama or Basaba Eat Thai, where you sit with people, like there's not separate tables, because I've found, I've seen people being like,

sorry, can I, can I, can I, it's like, no, that's the vibe of the restaurant. You're going to have to sit on a table with other people. What do you guys feel about that? It never really feels like you're sitting on a table with them, though, does it? Like, they're just like bench seats is what they mean. And I'm kind of fine with that. I mean, we'll get to Wagamama, I'm sure, but I've never been on board with. The food comes out when it's ready.

It's like, well, prepare it all at different times then. Don't. Okay, so that, okay, so here we are at polar opposites because I, if they say foods it comes out when it's ready, I say, wonderful, marvelous, thank you. Bring it, bring it as you wish hours apart, if you must, you know? And I wouldn't mind what at all. But I don't tell them to F off, but like, It sounds like Ed does.

No. Well, no, I don't talk to F off. Yeah, privately I do. But, I'm privately. But even the phrase, the food comes out when it's ready, I want to go, okay, well, can you time it's all ready at the same time? Could you not? Yes. That's what a restaurant is.

That's what the dining out experiences. Otherwise, I would just eat at home and make those things. I have come out because the whole point of it is that you bring me my moment. meal with my friend's meal and we have a meal but it's a new thing of like oh yeah also can you get your own cutlery as well and you have to get your own sauces and you also have to get all you stuff and also the food comes out whenever you're like I literally could have I could have got a takeaway where does it end as well it's like the fruit comes out when it's ready um we did a big batch this morning uh about eight hours ago and it's freezing by the way but it doesn't happen out when it's ready

you just weren't here it's like well no i've come up in the microwave can you just come into the kitchen and pop it in the microwave before you want to eat it yeah the other one is um have you guys been here before? And then we recommend sort of four to, when the plates like 16 pounds each, being like, we recommend it's like four to five small plates per person. And so I think if that's your recommendation,

I just wish they had no menus and they just brought many bits to the table, you know, to be like, this is what we suggest, here are your many bits rather than you having to be like, here are my complementary tiny small plates that you recommend in a big, you know. Do you find that when they say, have you been in before, I've like almost feel defensive about the question

and I was like yeah even when I haven't and then I don't know the process I can't get my food I always say see again here I am see I fucked it listen I want to first I must say that I am very well behaved about the asking for tables I've got really quick eyes

and I identify it before I wouldn't let us sit down and then say this was wrong I would say as we were I would say it's only chance we could have that table by the window and look aren't I adorable and then I when they say have you been here before I say yes but do give us your spiel. Do tell us if you wish. And then I, and then I, well, you did ever so well.

Basically, I become a sort of 80 year old woman I'm seeing now as I, as I, as I, as I, so like, you're like training them as well. Like, oh, you did so well. That was a great. And as a waiter, I can say they fucking love that. They love it. Being marked. So when you're ordering, things like that, like, what are things that you would avoid that you would make sure that you're doing? Like what are things that annoy you about? We're going through the whole process here. The ordering thing. Is it fine to be like, what would you order to turn it back on the waiter? I like, I like that. I like eating out in America where that's like a normal thing. That's a normal thing to do in the States. It's like, what do you recommend? Because they've all been,

most of them have been trained and they know the menu and they've eaten the menu. They've been trained to have a recommendation for people. I just like that. It feels like a bit of pageantry. What's the restaurant known for? I want to know the signature dish. I want to know. all of that. What should I, what should I not be missing? I agree. And I think we have, the states have such a fantastic attitude to service that it is a skill and it's an experience and here's your tap water as soon as you sit down, has everyone's day and here are the things and what can I recommend and you have to know the menu as soon as you come in, you have to know your specials off by heart, all of this. Whereas in Britain, you know, we're so just like,

here it is. Like, here's your peas. Years ago in Canada, in a truck stop on the side of the highway, in like the depth of winter in this like a it was called it's the husky stop it's like a tiny tiny truck stop and um a lady we stopped there for some food and I said what what do you recommend and this lady was like honey I'm going to bring you the pierogies and the soup and then she like went off and made me this meal and I was like that and it was the most delicious meal I've ever eaten and a woman to just be like I'm not even going to let you look at the menu this is what you need this is what we do best here they come for you. And I was just like, yes, thank you.

I think about her all the time. I find it very difficult when people, when people take so, like, so long to decide. It's like they've never been to a restaurant. They can't cope with a map. But that is possibly because I'm vegan, so I've only ever got one option. So I'm always like that, the mushroom risotto or the eggless,

the eggless egg, please. But it's, don't, like, don't start the ordering interaction until you're ready to order. And I've been in that situation before. They come over and then you don't want to send people away again. But then you panic order. That's all you can do. Don't hang around.

Don't do it. There's someone standing there still. I don't understand that thing of going like, hmm, well, yeah. I'm stuck between three things, actually. It's like, there's a human being standing there who has other stuff to do. Just pick what are the things. Oh, God. Yes.

I can't decide which peas you want. How many peas? you know, I didn't pick this podcast topic and I can see now it's a real character assassination. You guys basically wanted to pick all the things I do in a restaurant that's bad. No, no, no, but this is what we actually talked about in the, what was the word assertiveness episode which was really interesting about how it doesn't necessarily as a bad thing, but like you, we use restaurants in that as a thing of, oh actually that's an example of struggling with assertiveness. And also this is the same thing.

thing because it's like you have food envy and you're so worried about not getting the right thing. Getting it wrong. Yeah. And I've been in a restaurant. I've been in many restaurants with you. And it's often like you're often like you are going to die the moment you've eaten and this is the last meal you'll ever have. So this. Yes. Yes. Yes. Well, I might, Stevie. Do you read in advance? Do you go on the website, the restaurant website, and do you read the menu in advance? This is new to me. I did not know people did this. I didn't know if it was even possible. And I've discovered it in the last year. And it's been an absolute game changer.

It's taken all that pressure off of me. I arrive now being like, okay, I've had a chance to study. It's not an actual panic when they bring the paper. It feels like an exam where they hand the manual over and then you turn your papers over. And then I like, go, go, quick, quick, quick. You know. Asking for extra paper for some reason. Now, before I launch into my next, I was going to launch into another diatribe against a certain thing that I don't.

like in the way people order. But I want to check that you don't do it first, Tessa. Listen, say it and it's going to be me. Do you try and change the dishes? Are you a dish changer? I feel this is like an epidemic intervention. You've got me on this podcast thinking we're going to have a nice time. And actually...

Are you a dis changer? Yes. Yes. Yes. Can I have the full cooked breakfast but with the toast and the egg and can I swap my avocado for bacon? Yep. Yes.

That's me. Okay, a full English breakfast is the only time when that's allowed. That is fine. That's fine. But any other way of doing it. Why is that your rule? Because it's multiple components. It's lots of things, yeah.

Whereas when it's like, oh, I can have Thai red curry, but with the green curry vegetables in it, and instead of rice, can have potatoes? And also, can I have no curry paste? Can I actually have a piece of toast? That sounds delicious. Yes, please. Can I have that? Right.

Okay. Yes. Oh, God, you guys. I'm the worst guy. It's not the worst. I think it's just like, it's so special to me to go out and I just want it to be nice. I think it's like, and I just... It's very funny.

I didn't foresee this happening genuinely at all. Oh. Well, Tessa, what things frustrate you? So maybe it's not just me there just saying your personality. What things frustrate you about, or what things would you perceive as being negative in a restaurant? So my thing is not, if I was going, was. dining with somebody and this is a very sweeping gender statement that like men often would would just like look you know my test my test paper anxiety and they just look at their test and they say like and then they throw

it down and it's really like it's done I've picked so I'm like and then the waiter comes over and to me I'm like no of course not but they're like yeah we ready and then I'm like yes okay this one you know so I think it's that um I just want the going out to be a whole experience you know the whole thing and the chatting and the looking at stuff it's not just about like getting the food like it's like just getting too hungry and then being like we're here to eat we're not here to eat we're here to do all the stuff you know it's theater maybe that's it's theater but maybe that's maybe i'm bad maybe i'm wrong again no i agree i agree you've got to discuss you've got to discuss the menu right it's you know work out what you're going to have what sides you're going to have

with that? Are you going to split two things? Are you going to have a dessert after maybe? Do you want to say all of that discussion is valid? My only issue is when they come along and say, what do you want? You're like, I want this, but can you sub out this and put this in and change this? And how spicy is it? Actually, I don't want that at all. I want an egg. Okay, right. Okay. This is a turning point in my life. When I write my memoirs, I'll discuss this moment, which is me never ever doing that in a restaurant ever again. I'll enter. I'll choose the third thing down, I'll point it, I won't even look, and I'll eat that. And every time I'll think to Ed Gamble, and I'll just like that.

Yeah, good. Good, actually. No, I'd hate that. That's it. There's not, I'll never, I'll never enjoy a meal again. Oh my God. That's the end. Shit, okay. I just, uh, yeah. I love, I absolutely love it.

I think, I promise. I think you are a lad once sub. You are also celiac. There you go. Why haven't, why haven't you pulled the celiac? card out tessa come on well you didn't pull diabetes so we didn't i thought we weren't you know i thought you you you must have so many issues that you and you if you can not sub then how dare i sub you know yeah but it's it's it's a different thing though like there's not one food stuff that it's in there it's it's gonna make me i don't i don't know what happens do you puff up puff up and go blue but i'm not

going to puff up and go blue if i have a certain thing um i just need to judge what i order yeah yeah But do you never say like, can I have the fish curry with extra jelly babies? You know? Yeah, no, exactly. But you can eat sugar as diabetic. That's like a myth. Yeah. You can eat whatever you like.

As long as you put in the stuff beforehand, then you're fine. And you can even pop it in after if you've fucked up. And there's not going to be like a secret invisible thing that makes me feel ill. Whereas I guess if you're seal it, you need to make sure that, you know, there's not wheat in it or whatever. So that's fine to ask those questions and certainly do some subbing there. I really feel like we've destroyed your spirit, Tessa. And that was not my... It is hilarious.

Okay, let's go back to the kind of experience of the dining thing that we've dealt with ordering. So I've got something, so something happened about a year ago that really shook me to my core. Again, I'm sorry to it wasn't you who did this. I'm sorry if you've done this in your life, but I don't think you do do this at all.

So we ordered, so we were like out and it was like a tapass place. I mean, I ordered some stuff. We ordered loads different bowls, having a great time, having drinks. And then the waitress came over, to get the stuff. And my friend was like, oh yeah, like, I kind of feel uncomfortable when, if I haven't eaten something, the way it's like, oh, did you not like that? I find that quite difficult because it's like, well, I don't really want to make you feel bad, but obviously I didn't like it. That's why I didn't eat it. But she actually didn't say anything. And my friend went,

oh, yeah, those are really oily and badly cooked and then just continued talking. And I actually wanted to, like, my asshole went inside. I actually, at that point, I had like, Inception asshole. I find it so difficult to focus on the rest of the evening. How do you do with, if you don't like a meal or if you don't like an element of it, do you sort of, are you very vocal about that? It really depends. Probably not at that stage if they were taking the plates away and stuff. I wouldn't bother saying anything. I think it's fairly obvious if you've, if you've left it, that you didn't like it. But maybe if it came and it was so obvious, there was something wrong with it. I tell you what I do do. If I've ordered like, if I've

ordered a steak and it's not, clearly not cooked the way that I've asked. for. I will say, I'm really sorry, this is, this is a bit overcooked for me, or I'm really sorry this is a bit rare or whatever. But I don't know, I don't, I don't think I'd go, this is really oily and badly cooked, especially if it was amongst other dishes. If something like that does come out and you're like, oh, I always kind of try and say, because I, as a waitress, when I was like, serving people, I'm going, this pigeon has is still has its head on or something. I'd be like, okay, but it would feel very like, they were shouting at, well, they were shouting at me when I have not cooked it.

So I very much completed, but could you tell the chef that this is a little bit? And I think that could you tell the chef is quite, sometimes quite a nice thing to say because it shows that you're aware that the waitress didn't just go and cook that pigeon with its head on. An excellent example from me. Tessa, how do you feel? I would never, they'd have to be like bits of broken glass in a meal before I said it was bad. I've eaten a roast once in tears.

I wouldn't have sent it back or complained or said anything because I think it is that of like the waitress has not hasn't made it and then it's that horrible thing of like you know that there's no the chain of command here's like you didn't fuck this up you haven't brought this bad oily dish

like you I mean you did a fantastic job you delivered it to the table as you were supposed to I remember once I served a man a lasagna which he ate the whole thing out of this day and then he gave me back a completely empty plate and then he said that was absolutely disgusting I was like, right, well, it feels late in the game for you to relay that to me. I remember just looking at the empty plate being like, what, okay, what do you want me to do now?

You can't just claim it was bad at the end and then be like, I'm not paying for that. I'm like, do you want a different lasagna? You've eaten, I mean, it feels like you're full, mate. Like, so I wouldn't, no, I wouldn't ever send something back and because, yeah, and I wouldn't be, I would never be rude to the, and people being rude to weight stuff or people being dismissing. for or mean in any way or makes my makes my stomach turnover and I think is makes you really you really judge a person if they're if they're

rude and you know if they're really like that there's so many different ways to be rude the thing that I found the most frustrating oddly which I wouldn't have thought I did was when people were overly congratulatory to me for doing anything so I would like bring water and they'd be like well done I'd be like you like okay like I would find that

so like someone, I remember someone asked me about the desserts and I just told them what the desserts were because there were four desserts and that was the restaurant I worked in. And they were like, go you. And it was like, oh, you, oh, I don't know, for some reason that you feel like then you feel really small and I don't know why. How do you feel, how do you feel about this? Is this rude or is this just insane, right? And this is something my dad, I see my dad do on more than one occasion. And I'm getting to the stage of life where now I think I, understand it a little bit more. And also I'm having that feeling in restaurant sometimes. And I want to not say anything, but I feel like it's bubbling up. And by the time I hit 40, it's just

going to start coming out. So it's when you're in a slightly nicer place, maybe, and you've ordered a bottle of wine. And they've made it very clear that part of their job as as waiting stuff is to come over and top your wine up. So they might even put the bottle of wine somewhere else. Right. And it's not, Now, some people watching might think that this is going, like, my dad's going to be like, please bring the wine, why aren't you bring in the wine? It's if they're doing too much. So, like, he'll come, like, the waiter will come over or whatever and pour a bit of glass of wine or top of the water or come and just rearrange the cutlery or just do something.

My dad will, and very politely, but this is such a weird thing to hear, go, can you actually not come over so much? You're actually doing, you're actually doing too much waiting right now. Do you know what I mean? Like it's such a weird thing to care about. It's just please, in a way, just don't do your job for a little bit. Yes. It feels so bad to say that because it's like a lovely restaurant and they're doing so much business,

but it's too much business. Yeah. The thing of like that sort of silver service level of like attention and thing, when it, when it misses its mark, it's so much more obvious than just like cheap and cheerful basic service. Like when I was, for my 21st birthday, me and my mum went to the manoir, which is that Raymond Blanc. It's really, but it's like really nice and it's famous for its service that they don't, they, somebody who takes your order and someone different brings the meal and they just, no one says like, who ordered the fish? They just place it straight away in front of you because on their little list in the kitchen, they wrote like, man in yellow Rupert Bear shirt, lady with ponytail, you know, they wrote a little note about you. So you. That's my nightmare. The note is a nightmare. I know. Can I tell you how they do it? They don't do that, but they just have a line for the table. And then they write the order. Our waitress said it was on, they wrote Rupert Bear's shirt.

Oh my God. Because I remember her. Your mom was wearing a Rupert Beard. I'm so sorry. No, I remember her pointing, because it only knew me and my mom. So it wasn't tricky. They were just being like younger, older. But like, she pointed at a table of maybe 20 women from the WI who all looked like

absolutely identical. And she was like, that's a nightmare. Being like, they all look the same. But that, that experience, like, you know, your water glass, you wouldn't even know know they were there and suddenly your water glass was full. And as though everything was like by magic. And so when it's like, when it is, but like the level of skill that it takes to be at that level is so high

and so much training and so much like, you know, just, oh, a napkin. Oh, sir. Oh, a wonderful choice. You know, we ordered the tap water and they said, a fantastic decision, ladies. And we're like, thank you so much. And so therefore when that sort of, it aims at silver service, like the wine that's somewhere else.

And then they sort of come around with the hand behind the back in this very sort of pretentious way that you're like, this is, we're all very aware of this now. and rather than it being to eat an aid to our meal, it's actually becoming quite a hindrance. So I can absolutely understand where your dad is coming from. Isn't like a really good way to you, at those, that level, you shouldn't really even know that they're there.

Like they should be like, you should be like, I'd just been drinking this one glass of wine all night and I'm absolutely hammered. Yeah, that's exactly that. I love that. That's it, that's it, isn't it? I've been like, I've only had one. Yeah.

I think we've hit upon the nucleus of excellent services. Just getting you secretly pissed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Secret. Yeah. Secret sneaky,

piss. Being like, what a lovely time I've had. I find napkin stuff quite awkward as well. Like if they're in a posh place and they, you sit down and then they pop just, it's very, I find it passive aggressive.

You sit down and like just, yeah, cover up your dick, your pig. Like that. Just. That's what they mean as well. Yeah.

That's what they mean. You're going to spill it all over your penis. That's what they mean. Cover up your dick, you pig. Going to the end. end of the podcast. Before we go, I feel like we should say percentage tipping, how much is correct.

I'd say if you have coppers, don't bother. Loads and in cash, because so often the credit card tips are split to the business. But so I do cash whenever I can. Cash, pop in your bra or your boxes. And then you can just... Well, I saw somebody once... Somebody, and I've tried to do this my entire life. I mean, now is the time to learn how to do it.

somebody tipped me once an origa their money in an origami swan. Like they made a 10 pound note into an origami swan and left it on the table for me. It just feels like the start of a hustle. It just feels like a hustle. It really does. They got me again. But yeah, maybe I should learn to do it so I can tip in swans again. Yeah, I think people love, I'd realize, I would love a swan.

That's a very nice thing to do. So 10% is what naught is apparently the average where people say, but I try to do 15, but it's quite hard to work out when you have. drunk, but 15, 20? Do you 20? Well, quite often on the bill, it's like lumped in, right? But then I never know if that's real or not. It just says 12.5%.

But then, yeah, you try and tip like 15 to 20 in cash. But then who has cash now, you know? That's very difficult. The American system very much has this thing of like 20% is standard. And then when you either on your bill or the cash machine or whatever, when you have to the machine to do it, it'll say like 20% or like, or like, or lower, you disgusting peasant? Like, do you, are you,

you actively want to make me make sure, okay, okay. So like, it's a very passive aggressive, like, insistence on. The wages are so low, right? So they're making all their money on tips. So when I'm in America, I tip massive because in the back of my head I'm thinking, well, I'm feeding your child right now. Please take everything I have.

Yeah. We have come to the end. We have to stop. Thank you so much, Ed, for... I wish we could go out for dinner now, guys. I know. I could tell you why I've learned. So hungry. I'm so hungry. And I also want to show you how good I am and just pointing in something now

and ordering it. Grabbing a good table, but in like a nice way. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Thank you so much. You can find us at Nobody Panic Pod, but you probably know that.

I'm at Stiefiem. The SESA 5. I'm at Tessa Coates. Gmail is Nobodyfanicpod. Gmail.com. Ed, do you want to tell you can find your name? At Ed Gamble Comedy. Comedy.

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