Nobody Panic - How to Cope When You Feel Isolated (Live at Salisbury International Arts Festival)

Episode Date: September 13, 2022

Stevie and Tessa discuss feeling isolated, putting yourself out there, being BRAVE and crucially... latching. Another live episode, this time from Salisbury Arts Centre as part of the Salisbury International Arts Festival on the 17 June.Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded live at Salisbury International Arts Festival and edited by Naomi Parnel for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true, Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Nice to be here. What an absolutely fabulous town, fabulous crowd. Today we're going to be tackling the topic of isolation,

how to cope and you feeling lonely, as part of the Salisbury International Arts Festival. That's two international artistic ladies. We're feeling pretty confident about that. I once went to France. So... Alone? No, very much not.

No, no, no. So you just... In France. I recognise the international part. Only that. Only that. Yeah, sadly. But yes, so before we do that, though,

we've collected the lovely adult things from the audience. And there's a couple that I saw written down that I really hope we get to. So I might do a little dig. There was one involving Instagram, and if anyone's written anything to do with Instagram, I really wanted to hear about it. Okay, so. And we can tell that some people in the room never know concept.

Thrilled, thrilled, have you. You're going to grasp it really, really quickly. Yes. And also everybody really understood the concept of the adult things. we've increasingly understood that we need to say the grown-up thing you've done this week because when we say, could you write down your adult thing? People take our pens and they're like,

what do you want? I'm leaving. Why would we do that? The vibe, the nosedives very quickly when we start. Sometimes they're sexy things. Or there, I rescued a kitten. Burning building? Where from?

Jesus. And straight from kitten, contributed to an audit at work. Gorgeous. Again, I don't know what. that is. I don't know if it's good, if that's bad, if you were in trouble. Are you in jail? Or did you do it? Did you have to... Did you do the audit fraud?

Yeah, I don't know if you were the defense or the prosecution, but I'm thrilled to find out. Did food tasting, which is quite adult, for our wedding? I worked a 13 hour day and didn't cry. Yes, lovely one. Covered for my husband who had a huge hangover. I don't know where you covered for him. Federal government. Yeah. Learning how car park hours work. That's my favourite one so far.

So much to unpack there. So much to unpack. Is it the car park hours or is it time in general? Yeah. Learning how they work. I realize this one started HRT. Come on. Come on.

That's a great one. Very good for us. You've proposed. We bought our first bed. What have you been? been sleeping on, sis. Each other? Yeah, that's so nice, that's so Adam.

What a good thing to do together? Here's a lovely one that ends with a question. My teenage son now has a girlfriend. Should he be allowed to be alone in his room with her? 70 question marks. Yeah. They'll just be talking about music and chatting about mixtapes. That's so nice, because somebody came to the point,

it feels like this person was like, I don't know what they're asking me here, but I do have an important question. Yes. Should he be allowed, now has a girlfriend, should he be allowed in his own room with, alone in his room with it?

Or any room, like the kitchen. Just like, I'm trying to get... I would say, door open policy. It would be on what I was saying. Door open and you sat outside. Yeah. Just like this.

Cross-legged with binoculars. Rifle on the knee. Yeah. And a rifle on your knee. It would be mine. Brought a homemade sandwich. Oh, fuck. Already it's so exciting.

To eat in the park. To cool down. from the drive, which I shouldn't have worn leggings for. So I've had to take them off now. Yes, what a journey. Oh, I felt that very literally. Wow, what a narrative, what a story. Oh, my God, this one is amazing.

Used my label maker to label my label maker, her name is Mabel. Oh, yes. I went to my daughter's first sports day. Oh, that's so cute. Egg and Spoon Race, that's a real thing, isn't it? I came to this gig on my own. In the bar. They've written concert

and they've crossed it out and written gig so I feel like they started writing understood the concept cross that out it won't be for Baldi they thought no no no not a concert I hope this was gonna be something very different okay went to a big meeting

at work with big scary men and held my own despite them asking who I was oh fuck brackets I've worked there for four years oh shit Derry men. I have a friend called Joy Taffield

and her boss, she's worked there like eight years. Her boss insists I'm calling her Joyce Tuffin. She's so high up as well. Completed over half of my A-levels and taught myself to knit. Oh my God. In the same time? Oh my God, is it A-level season?

Yeah, it is. And knitting season. This is my favorite one. I tried to sign up for Instagram. No idea if it was successful. There's so much I love about that that you just like, I guess that may or may not have worked. And we'll never know.

Post some hot picks. Come on, that's how you'll know. Get a first trap going. Organise my contact lens. Check up without being prompted. God bless you. Just to check it still in your eyes, I imagine. Yeah, is it there?

I think it's been there months. Caught up on personal admin, brackets. Docs appoint, physio points, brackets, etc. Gorgeous. Right, come on, let's get one more. I'm going to bring us home. Okay, bring us home.

Successfully ate the food in my house, instead of getting delivery, the whole of June. Oh my God. And then she's written, I'm sorry, it's a sheet. I mean, I don't know for sure. Brackets, thanks for the how-to oven runes chapter. Oh, in our book that we've written. Oh my God, it's here. And we've got a book here.

And the last one is, and this is all so grown up, reviewed the annual budget. No explanation necessary. I don't think. And that lovely handwriting. all really reviewed that budget. Reviewed the shit out of that budget. Press very hard because you've written the budget, review the budget so well.

Okay, right, let's get into it. Absolutely. So, this is a sort of a very, it could be a very intense topic, but we'll try and keep it light or not. Okay, so, Tessa, when you're feeling lonely or you're feeling isolated,

like how do you cope as a person? Like, what's your kind of lonely? I think everyone deals with it very, very differently. Yeah, so I think the first thing, that we were once like if you Google this the first thing that comes up is like big difference between loneliness and being alone oh what is it

oh because you can be alone you can be alone and be happy yeah it's very much about this like so it's the first thing is addressing that's like are you just alone because I'm very content to my own company when I have a way that's fine for example

I'm alone but you know like I'm happy to go places on my own do things on my own happy to do so you might be someone who's like yeah enjoy my own company happy to go place alone and then you could be in a room full of people yes of

a massive party and be like I feel the loneliest I've ever felt oh my god that's incredibly I was going to say oh you'd be somebody who doesn't like being on the road and I was going to go me and I started to put my hand up them and was like oh that's very dark and so absolutely you might be like oh I love because you could be

you could love people you could or sometimes you're like I want to be on my own today and be like but tomorrow I'm happy to be the life and soul of the party and then I want to be on my own and recharge, and it's about addressing that, like, you could live on your own in the middle of the outer head birdies and have the fucking time of your life. I'm so sorry for swearing.

And, or you could live in a massive city, surrounding my people in a house, share, you know, with an endless, and still, and feel lonely. Yeah, I feel like no one sees you, you know? Oh, God. That's the thing, in it. Yes, also, I feel like, yeah, like I've always kind of immediately connected it with being alone as being negative,

because I'm unable to be, apart from weighing, of course. Being unable. And she was so fast in order to get back out and back into the company. I can't be coming with their own thoughts. I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. Can I miss anything? I just want to be involved, you know. No. But also, yes.

And actually, when I'm saying that, I'm, oh wow. Yeah, we're joking about the wing thing. But I do before phone, now I take my phone into Wii. Not on it, but like I'll read my phone and Instagram. And I realized, like, recently that my phone usage was ridiculous because every single time I'm not actively doing something, I will be scrolling, I will be looking at my phone, which means that my brain never, ever,

has lost the ability to just do this, you know? Just like, just have a nice sit and a thing and a look. So actually recently, I was like, I'm not going to take my... Also, it's gross to take your phone into the bathroom, thank you. We all think about it. That's grim. And I was going to say, anyone who also does that? No one wants to admit it.

I'm being very brave here, okay? I'm a very brave woman. So brave, so brave. So brave, so vulnerable in front of you in Salisbury. But when I stopped taking my phone into the bathroom, I had to have a stack of books because I was like, I can't actually be alone with my own urine. I can't even do that.

Yeah, yeah. So I'm the opposite of you. So this year was my year where I am very much, I tried to go away by myself. Like I went for a week and then I went for another week. And one was successful, one was less successful because I just ended up like meeting up with people. but I wanted to do like a whole week by myself

and I found it really tricky and I found it really hard and I think as well people you know it's very privileged to be able to be like well I'll go and spend some time alone but often loneliness is thrust upon you because you're having you're in a different life situation

like you're in it like my parents for example my dad goes away a lot for work and sometimes my mum when she isn't working doesn't even realise that she does feel lonely she just feels a bit down and it's only when we've like had big chats and it's been like, oh yeah, you need to come and visit more. Like, let's do some stuff.

And I think it's very hard to identify the feelings, as I suppose what I'm saying in that monologue that I just did. It was very powerful and I liked it very much. I think you check on something really important there, which is like, you often don't immediately know it. You don't, you're quick to be like, oh, I feel lonely. It'll be, that comes after a little while of being like, oh, that's what it felt like. Or that you could have been at a particular job or it isn't until you leave and you go to a different job that you're like, oh, oh my God, that's why I felt like that every single day. And I thought it was the commute, but it was that no one never wanted to hang out with me, you know, and it takes sometimes it's, or, you know, your partner comes home or your

housemates come home or you've, you know, been on your own for a bit and you're like, oh, it feels like something's come off my shoulders and I'm laughing and I'm hanging out and I feel like like myself again. And so it's a, and I think it's a good thing to, the first thing I suppose is to be like, oh, okay, we're identifying that feeling and being quicker to be like, oh, it's loneliness. There it is again. It's loneliness again. Which feels really like, obviously, but then it's like, it's really, I struggle. Today, in fact, I spent the whole day being like, am I hungry? It's like, just are you?

Like, are you hungry? Just ask, do you, I don't know? Because I'm hot, but also, like, I struggle to even identify the most simple things sometimes. I'll be like, really upset or feel really tired. I feel really weird. And then I realize I haven't drank water in like, you know, 17 days. And I'm like, oh, I'm dying. That's what it is.

Like, I'm very dehydrated. So it's actually, there's no shame in not understanding what your feelings are and not being able to name them but sometimes the advice can sound quite rudimentary but actually when you think about it, it's quite hard to name the emotion you're feeling right now. Like I'd say now, oh, I'm sweaty and I am hungry but that's not really a feeling.

Because there's no hummus of course. There was no hummus and soul spray. And so, I mean, a lot of carrots, they've not plugged the gap. There's a protein in it. But yeah, so it's very easy to describe yourself in a descriptive term like, yeah, I am a sweating woman. It's very hot or I'm very hungry. But not in terms of emotionally.

Like I actually don't know what I feel like now. Maybe fearful. Oh, that's nice. I don't know. Yeah, I guess, yeah. Hot. It's hard, isn't it? Because you were just like, yeah.

You say like, how did you feel today? And it's very hard to identify your, I don't know, like I, and it's also a generational thing. And I remember I asked my grandma how she was feeling the other day. And then she said, well, I've got this problem in my knee. And I was like, yeah, but how do you feel? Like how, you know, are you? In your brain. And then she was like, well, the knee doesn't bend.

And I've been to see Dr. Kruple Shah. And he says, we can't get the knee surgery till next year. I was like, grandma, how do you feel? And I think it's, it's not. About the knee, are you sounding up? No, she wasn't, she was just bringing up. She was just endlessly telling me her ailments. She told me about the house.

She told me that she likes to count these sheep in the field across the road. They're not her sheep. And she counts. them and then she'll say, well, there's less than there were yesterday. And then we're like, well, what should we do with that information? So she tells me all these things and then I keep saying like, but how do you feel? And I could tell that she really was like

didn't know how to express those sort of like, you know, I feel sad or happy or, you know, and it is really hard and I remember some, you know, somebody having to give me this bored of all these faces, you know, they're like excited, fretful, angry, all of this stuff, you know, because we're like, oh my God, there's such a huge smorgas board of emotion there that we're just like, we're not

in touch with. And I think I went to a baby shower the other day because I live in an American sitcom. And at the baby shower, so many of my school friends now are having children and I and I realised that only just now that the feeling I was feeling which I thought

was just a bit hot was this feeling of being isolated from them of like that they've all got this like secret club now and you know that they can hand me their baby and they can be as supportive as we possibly can, but they've sort of got a secret language

and a secret thing that I can't be part of ever again. God, grief, this has taken a turn. No, it's true. There's a secret club. When you have a baby, you join the baby membership club. And everybody who's not in it, you can't be part of it. And then you sort of have to, that sort of bit of your friendship group changes. And it's taken me until now to be like,

oh, the thing was feeling isolated and feeling like I wasn't, couldn't be part. And again, I saw an element of loneliness, that even though we're all in this room, pinning the baby on the donkey. No, my friend had... Pitting the baby on the donkey. Dreadful game.

It's a really bad name. No, my friend had found this like old renaissance painting and then it was like a nude woman with a boob out. And then you had this cut out of a medieval baby and you had to be blindfolded and try and place the baby on the boot. Bit of fun. That's really great. We all had to chant.

Latch, latch, latch, latch, latch. like this. Anyway, as we were chanting, latch, latch, latch, and I was like, oh, time I looked around and I was like, oh, everyone has everyone has a little baby who's going to latch? There's no one I'll latch it on you, mate. Come on, on a train home, let's latch. Tip number one, have you got a friend who will latch

when you are feeling lonely? But use the latch as a metaphor, that is a good question because also, obviously that's a very specific example, but it's a really good example of how loneliness isn't just like, oh I'm on an island alone it's like you know you can feel isolation in many different ways

that's a really good way of sort of seeing in terms of like do you have because I remember when me and Tessa have a share a friendship group that isn't that friendship going on I don't know the sort of the babies that you're friends with the many little baby group and their mother separately

but we have another group of friends and pretty much none of them have kids and we all went to a wedding and you said I remember like halfway through the evening you're like oh I'm Yeah, there are people that are still like me. It's just I was spending a lot of time with one particular type of person

and you can, but you've got to like, basically you didn't know that that, like you get so sucked into one sort of way of life that you don't look around at the other connections that you have. Yeah. But I think it's a big part of like helping with isolation is it's so easy to sort of feel like,

like, I don't know, no one sees me or I'm not like, you know, I've got sort of nobody to really like be with it. at this time or for whatever the example is in your own life or not is like to be able to look non-judgmentally at all the genuine connections that you do have

because it's like when I feel when you're single and someone's like and you're like no one ever fancies me and then someone goes well you know Richard does and you're like well not him so Richard does fancy you don't fancy Richard you know there's that element going on there where you like well I've got no friends or like

I feel lonely or I feel isolated it's like well actually look around are you or are you or are you isolated within, you know... This particular group. This particular group. And there are ways as well of looking at the people that you do have connections with that you don't feel strong enough

and going, can I strengthen those connections rather than just being like, not Richard and leaving the room. There's a way of, yeah, there's like a way of kind of... And that's like one of the things that a lot of like, yeah, a lot of like psychologists and experts kind of say that that's like the naming and then also the second one being like,

assess the connections that you actually do have. And that's not just like people as well. well, that could be things. Maybe this looks like, have your circumstances changed? You know, is there something that you used to do that you don't do anymore? And could you go back to doing that? Like, why, why is the isolation feeling there is like the other really crucial thing once you've labeled it? Because then you can go like, of course, I switch jobs and I just don't really get on with my colleagues, whereas in my old job, I did. And I didn't even realize that. And now, oh, you could get on with them, but you're like, I just don't feel like I can, you know,

be myself in that crowd. Well, then it's maybe time to look at your colleagues. And sort of look closer. I'm like, well, am I going to the work drinks? Am I actually putting myself out there? Because quite a lot of the time, what I do is I'd be like, I'll make a grand statement and then realize, like, the thing that I was like, no one ever wants to go on holiday with me. And I was like, I didn't ask anyone to go on holiday either.

So everyone was like, Steve doesn't really like going on holidays. You're like, oh shit. Like I actually could have just gone, do you want to go on holiday with me? That would be fun, you know? And the moment I did that, I went on holiday with my friend. So it's very simple, isn't it? It's like, obviously. But actually quite a lot of the time

we don't put ourselves out and we wait for other people to reach out is what I'm saying. Yeah. Number one, label it. It's loneliness. Number two, have you got a friend who can latch? Okay? Number three, can we look around?

This is happening in real time and it's very impressive actually. Can we look into a different group for different connections? What word are you spelling out? No words, just everything begins with an L. Right. Oh, good. So label.

loneliness, latching, looking. Now we're looking for what, you know, what cells can we get it from? Try and make an hell out of this. Volunteer somewhere. Volunteer somewhere. Volunteer with the L in the middle. I'm breathless.

Quick as a whip, I'm ever so good. Yeah, so it's about like, where else can you find? And it's very, it's so easy like me being like, well, everyone's got baby now so what's the point? Or being like, oh, everybody in this job isn't as good as the last job.

Or nobody in my family wants to hang out. Yeah, sure. It's what. And that's the thing, like, you could be like, oh, my family. But actually, like, it's so easy to be like, oh, everybody else has this in this way of, everyone else is a bit different. Or all my, you know, it can be so easy to feel the black sheep of a family. Yeah, to just drift away, like, you know, just a power. You are within that family, whether that's the child, the mother, the parent, wherever you are, to be like, oh, everybody else has got a little bit of a gang and I don't really feel, you know, part of it.

And then to be like, okay, it doesn't have to be like, oh, well, I guess I, that's, that. that's that forever now. It's like, we're looking, where else can we find our good connections? And then it takes that bit of bravery to be like, okay, I have to be the one now to make the jump because we're all desperate for, you know, the text that's like, hey, do you want to come to this with me? But maybe we have to be the one sending the text. Absolutely. Hey, do you want to come to Ardingly Antiques Fair option?

Yes, I do. Yeah, sounds great. We can all go if you want. I'm going next Tuesday. My friend did text me that the other day. And I was like, what a dream text to receive. of course I want to go to Ardingly Antiques Fair, and we're going to wear matching blue feces

and pretend we're on bargain hunt, okay? One a day out. I was so excited. Great day. They'll keep people, we'll be like, where are the cameras? Who are these two women? Anyway, so, and then when I received it, you know, and I had been feeling

a little bit, the amount of like, I'm going to make a guess at the good chemical, dopamine. What do we mean? Or serotonin. Serotonin. The immediate rush of, tone of someone like inviting you somewhere or doing a thing and I was like oh my god that's all it took was one person it's like there must be so if we could all sort of send that text out to other people or you know you make that you know yeah that barrier and and like you're saying you know you being like no no one ever invites me on holiday and I was like have you ever invited anyone on a holiday no no exactly so it's like we've got to do the brave part which isn't fun you want to be the the popular girl who's just invited everywhere but you aren't nobody is you simply The popular girls tire

Sir as well. You don't want to hang out with her. You're not the popular girl, so you've got to you've got to be the one sending the thing. And even like, so two of our friends made this film recently it's called All My Friends Hate Me. Is that what it's called? It's very good. All my friends hate me. It's amazing film. It's in the cinema

at the moment and it's about being in your 30s and going to a house party with your friends who are friends with at university and suddenly being like, oh my God, but then it also becomes a horror. It doesn't really. It's actually not a... I've seen it to watch it. We interviewed them and she was like, I've seen it.

It's like, no. But I think what it was so interesting is that these two boys, I would say, were like absolutely like, like, they were the popular boys. They were the popular boys. Like, yeah. They were prom king. I was frightened of speaking to them. Genuinely, when they said they want to come on the podcast and I hope they don't ever hear

those talking about this. They don't think. They're too cool to listen. They're way too cool to listen to the podcast. But they said could we come on the podcast and talk about the film? And we were both like, okay. And we were like, but the prom kings, why would you want to come on our podcast. And so they were in comedy for many years. They were sort of the boys in the

year above us. Like it was all like they were very cool. And for them to come on and then they talk like very openly and very vulnerably about what it's like to not feel, to feel to feel like, feel like people are laughing behind your back or that you aren't like part of it or like, am I even friends with these people anymore? And I was like, oh my God, even the people that you think are literally the king of cool, you know, the popular person who's like, oh my God, their life must be just full of friends and on yachts all the time and invited places. and like, yeah, maybe sometimes for a small portion of the year, but like they might do cool stuff,

but like the majority of it, like it is for everyone, is this, you know, you're just sort of with yourself being like, oh, I hope I get a text about the antiques fair. And so it's like, everybody feels like. You could also be lonely on a yacht, you know? You could be lonely on a yacht. You could be lonely at the antiques fair. God forbid.

I hope you're not. I hope you have a great time. I will have a fantastic time. But yeah, no, you're absolutely right, me being like, oh, got a cool life, they're on the yacht. And literally what have we been describing? It's this idea of like, you can be, doing the cool stuff and still be like, I don't feel I'm part of this and I don't feel good

and I still feel isolated from everybody else. Oh my God. But if you want to like test that muscle out, I think there are loads of things that you can do that are, because I think there's this thing of like, get a hobby or like if you feel like disconnected from a certain group of people or from a certain lifestyle, it's like just go and do it. You know, that's actually sometimes too hard. So sometimes actually it's helpful to do to essentially do something else, anything else that gets you slightly out of your comfort zone. You don't have to go like full Pelt, like, I went on my own to a wedding, that was mad.

Like, and I, I felt isolated, but I should have done, because I should have, I should have gone with someone else. But, like, I... Were you offered a plus one? No. You couldn't, then you couldn't have gone with somebody else. No, true, but I,

do you know what? I've gone on, on, like, a tangent essentially, I just, like, realize that in real time, that's what I did, and I've been, like, imagine if I had, like, I did make one friend, doesn't matter, right? It's not part of it. Tell us. No, I made one friend on the way there, because it was like, someone who I've met once. But if I hadn't

have met her, and she was really great, I honestly was living this parallel universe at this wedding the whole time I was like with this girl having a nice time and meeting her friends. I was like, if I didn't, if I hadn't have ever spoken to her, I honestly would just be like this. But you, that's the thing like, I do. Oh,

I'm married now. Just what you said. You'd feel so lonely, you'd just shout I do in the middle of the children. Yeah, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd fill the gaps. I think you living out a parallel universe while you were talking to somebody, you know, is a sort of a waste of your brain. A hundred percent, that's why I said it was a tangent.

But I think it's a really important tangent that it talks about this thing that's like, you know, you wouldn't ever be alone at a wedding because somebody would say, oh, who's that lady with that trouser suit? And is she okay? I was wearing a trouser suit. I look like Rupert the bear, genuinely. Nobody's leaving Rupert the bear alone for two of them. That is true.

And also the thing about weddings is it's so easy to be like, oh my God, everybody else here knows somebody, and I'm just the cousin of the bride or I'm whoever, I'm a work friend and I don't know anybody. But actually, if you actually did like a heat map of everyone's head, so many of them would be like, oh my fucking God, who's everybody at this wedding? I don't know anyone.

I feel alone. And so you just have to be like, go up to people and be like, hello, I'm on my eyes. Okay, if I hang out with you guys, I'm really cool. I mean, genuinely, but that sounds like, well, no one would ever say that, but actually people do that and you go, yeah, great. Like, people are going to, oh, do you mind if I sit with you?

And they're like, yeah, because also that, the wedding is like, a microcosm for life. Absolutely. You feel like everyone else is doing their life and you're just alone being like, oh, well, I'm not part of anything. But actually the moment you reach out, people are like, yeah, join in my life stuff, you know. It's basically no wallflowers. That just has to be your mantra of being like, am I sat here, very sad, hoping to be asked to dance,

hoping to someone comes up and wants to make friends with this wedding, hoping to be invited out, hoping, hoping, hoping, feeling sad. Or am I going to be brave enough to actually be the one who takes a step up and goes and ask somebody else if they would like to dance, knowing that that is their dream and they would love to dance. Yeah, or at the very worst, they'll go, no, but thanks for asking it. It was really cool.

Do you know what I mean? And then I suppose the very worst thing that happens is they say, no, but thanks ever so much, and you return to your seat and then you are where you were before. But you've now learnt that asking someone to dance isn't so frightening. Yeah. So actually, any little tendril you can like pop out, a weird image. Any tendril you can pop out is positive because you're like building on stuff.

And I think as well, you know, there are things, that horrible thing, like, join a hobby, start a hobby, yes. Join a club or whatever. You're like, what? But then when you actually drill down into it, at the very base level, that actually is the best thing that you can do. And it's not about joining a club of something, but it's like looking at something that you used to do that maybe you don't do anymore and going, how can I do that again? That could be literally anything. And what's so great is online. Like there are so many, there's actually a really good app, I think it is, called Meetup.

and it's not like as lame as it sounds. It's about like charity work that people are doing within the area that you live in. Like all different types of people, all different types of things. And that is a really good starting point for a lot of people who are just like, I don't know if you've moved to a new city

or you're just, I don't know, like maybe your best mates moved away or whatever you're in, the situation you're in, you're able to maybe like go and volunteer somewhere or try something out. And I think it's the first time you do it. It's like terrifying. And then you realize that everybody is doing that.

Everyone's gone like, oh, should I go? Like, it'll be weird if I, if I bring my cakes to this bake sale or like, do I go to that, like, I don't know, just like the live drawing, life drawing thing? Like, is that going to be, I was going to be me and a nude man with his whang out? And you realize, no, like, loads would be, like, there's loads. All those people that you know, and I think everybody who's like ever, I don't know, met that woman on the, like, where they live, who's just incredibly, like, involved in the community, you know? They're constantly involving themselves. you're like well you can have a you can get a little bit of that you don't have to go that

far but you can like you know start to look beyond your like everyday routine and all you have to do is like one extra thing like I don't really ever have hobbies and I only did this one course like about seven years ago and I still have two friends from it because stop

yeah oh I thought something wrong I was like oh my god I've got something in my team no I was just so enthralled yeah so yeah and because obviously it's all you meet people who are, who are vaguely interested in the same thing as you, and often most people have done it because they've been like, I'm a bit lonely or I'm stuck in a rot, so they want to make friends. It's like, you know, when you go to university and you're so used to being at

school that you, and at school everyone's always like, you can't, well, I don't know, this is very much my experience of school. It was quite cleaky and quite like, you can't, I don't know, I didn't know where to sit with anybody and it was ever horrible. And then I went to uni and was like, oh, it's going to be awful. But of course, fresh as week, everyone's like, well, I don't know anyone either. So like, what's your name? You're like, oh my God. It's not just about you. There's this lovely thing about how the best way to combat loneliness is to give. And so if you look around your life or other people,

if you offer your help, if you reach out to someone and not just to be like, can we text occasionally some cool memes because I feel sad? But if you actually go like, you look at something that your friend's doing and offer to help with it, like do you want a hand, like organising that birthday party? Like, do you want, like, whatever. You make yourself helpful.

and then suddenly you're not lonely anymore because you've got a purpose. Oh, God. That's absolutely lovely. Not a dry eye in the house. Shiraz wine. Okay. Yeah, they paid me 100 pounds.

Well, the concept of wine paid you. The Shiraz Wine Company. Okay. Paid me 100 pounds. Is that just a bland of wine? I think Shiraz is the type of wine. Right, that can't be right then, can it? Yeah.

Who was it? I don't know. Okay. Let's just say it was, I don't know. any wines but yeah. Tesco-owned. A Sauvignon gave me £100. Literally, yes, yes. Oh, sorry, okay, right.

So a wine company, I'm sorry, I can't think who it was. Shiraz wine gave me £100 to do this, write an article literally about how wine could, I totally forgot this until just now when you were talking about volunteering. How wine can like, you know, it was basically like, can you do all these activities, one was going to soup kitchen, one was doing this volunteer thing, and one was taking a bottle of Shiraz wine to my downstairs neighbour and saying,

would you like to hang out? Oh, I would struggle to do that. And actually, I was like, I'd so cringe, I can't bear to do that one. And I wrote, just, I pretended I had in the article and just said it was amazing and what a dream. Journalism, to tell journalism. I just lied and so sorry, Shiraz Wine.

And I said like, oh my God, we were just having the time of our lives, all the other neighbours. Isn't it illegal to do that? It's been journalistically illegal. Anyway, we'll just think about that later. Illegal, Schmeagle. Anyway, but then as a thank you, so first thing is they sent me on this running thing

where you could, which still exist, which is a charity thing, where you run a kilometre or a mile or some distance, and then you do, like, you run, you all get together, then you run this distance, it's in the evenings, and then when you got there, we did this gardening in a housing project,

and we, yeah, and we did this. After you've just run. After you've just run. And then we did gardening for an hour, and then somebody brought biscuits, some tea and then we ran back again and I fucking hated it I just

the whole run I was thinking this of us fucking and then this man like came up running and he's like apparently you're writing an article I was like don't even told me don't even look at me and then we did the gardening I didn't speak to anybody

and then we ran out bloody running but then right for the last like honestly like 500 metres from the finish line where I was like okay finally we got to try to chat with this guy and he was ever so funny and I remember being like, right, I should have committed more to this. Like, I should have not been just so angry

and in my box about it and so furious about spending my evening doing this running. I should have been like, just a bit more like open to the universe and a bit more like open about it. And then, as a genuine like twist of fate, this Shiraz, as a thank you, sent me this, oh no, I remember why. They didn't get it there in time. And they sent me this big crate of Shiraz wine. And

again, what was it? Wolf Blass? I mean, who knows? And it wasn't, because I think Wolfblast sounds funny. Wolfblah, okay, we've grasped it. Anyway, so they sent me all this wine, and by chance, my neighbour came a knock on the door and was like, I think they've delivered this the wrong place. Can you believe that? And then I was like, oh my God,

it was because to do this article, and I was supposed to come and knock on your door, and they were like, are you joking? And I was like, no, I was too cringe, I couldn't do it. And they were like, come round, and then we did have it. But like, you can't, I know. And then we had drank all the wine, and we did have the night. It wasn't as fun as I described it. You did not get on.

We didn't know. We were actually quite tedious together. But it was funny. It wasn't this like Mediterranean dream that I wrote about. But all I was like sitting on the stoop just enjoying a sundowner. But I was like, oh, okay, sometimes you just have, if you can just cross that cringe barrier, and you can just step out there and you can just send a thing and you can just say, oh, hey, how's it going?

I'm on my own. Would you mind if I sit with you? Or I really love this plaid green shirt and trouser combo you're wearing. You look fantastic. Okay, thank you. I've always thought Rupert Bear was the best of all the bears. This isn't Rupert. This is someone who's broken out of a hospital or something.

It does look like that, but you've got really good sewing skills. So to make them not look for you, you were like, I'll make it into a shirt and trouser. Yeah, that's what it looked like. You look really nice. Oh, it sounds like it. No, you do look nice. You look interesting. Thank you.

I was just compliment fishing. But look, now we're chatting about it, and I feel great. You were like, piss off. And I was like, I'm not joking. And now, you know, we're bonded. And so it's just about being those, you know, just, bravery. Like the time, tell them about the time when you did,

when you danced in the Olympics. Oh dear. It's a good story because of the end and they were all like, where have you been? You're a great laugh. A bridged version maybe if you don't want to tell it properly. In 2012, I danced in the opening ceremony with the Olympic Games. I tell

people, I danced in that piece that was only like 30 of them and they were all sort of in yellow and they did this like thing where they were the sea. It was very impressive. But I actually was one of 50 David Bowies in the music through the

generation bit and yes it isn't a professional dance I just realized The bulk of you thought that I was just going to be No she's I can't stress enough how much I can't dance I also ticked on the I wanted to be a Mary Poppins who descended on from her umbrella and I ticked and said I had advanced trapeze skills and I've never been on a trapeze in my life

I just thought yeah I'll learn I'll learn on the day I think obviously let like gymnasts do that and I wasn't allowed in the bit where we with a C, until I was David Bowie. I had the time, it was great. Anyway, you can see me for a split second on the screen. We rehearsed for nine months, I am going in the wrong direction. Okay, so I am such a bad dancer, it's absolutely unreal. And I can't really hear rhythm.

Wow, anyway, anyway, the point is that we, I was my dream to dance in the opening ceremony, and we get in and we rehearse every weekend on Saturday and Sunday from just January, I'm saying, what's the first month of the year? January through to July. So we really commit, and we do it in this car park in Dagenham, where the whole map of the stadium has been made out on the floor, and we were basically there the whole day.

And I did not make a single friend. I just thought everybody was like so, everyone was so gung-ho. And I... Didn't you take a book or something? You just sit and read it and read it on the corner. And so then obviously everyone was like, well, don't talk to that girl. She can't move properly. And she just wants to read Game of Thrones by herself.

and weirdly I had that feeling of being like oh everybody knows each other or everyone's like from the same dance club or whatever but they really they just all met on the same day just like I had and I just wasn't brave enough to do that like oh hello I'm Tessa like I just was like well they'll say hello to me if they want to say hello to me and then genuinely like

three or four weeks in like I've literally before the performance oh my god we're like in the tunnel as we're like waiting to go on I finally like sort of come out of my shell and start and start cracking gags And honestly, we're in the tunnel. We've got our heppies on. Everyone's there. Everyone's laughing around me in the stage in the tunnel.

And everyone was like, oh my God, like, when did you join our group? And I was like, I've been here for nine months. I've been stood beside you in the formation, the David Bowie going the wrong direction for this entire time. And everyone was like, where have you come from? And I was like, hey, I've been here. And I just was like, I wish I had been, I just, I'm like, they're all on a Facebook group.

And like, they all still do stuff together. and they go on these reunions and I just like, I just did... It could turn up to the reunion! They would think it was so fucking weird if I came to the reunions. No, this is literally what I'm talking about. It's been 10 years and they'll be every year

and then they'd be like, sorry, who are you? And it'll be all over again. No, because all the... Of course you don't have to if you don't want to. I don't know. But what I'm saying is say if you did want to and you felt like you couldn't. This is literally the thing

that you would send a message and go, it's been 10 years. It's totally mad, but like, I'd love to join if you... And like, they'd love that. Yeah. Because they're going to remember the bowie that couldn't dance. Yeah, they probably are.

You're like a myth. Yeah, like a legend. I kept crashing into people. Yes, I don't doubt it. I've seen you like walk around. Oh, God. See, case in point. I am, yeah, not very good ambidextrous skills.

But my point is like, I think about it all the time. And every time I think, and I'm in a new group or I feel like, oh, I'm like, oh, everybody's a friend. I'm not me. Then I think, remember what happened? In Dagonum. Yes. I think. Yeah.

So if you, that is helpful to you, think. Think, remember what happened in daggonome. And then you'll go, what? And then you'll go, what? And then you won't feel alone anymore because you'll be with your own thoughts. Very good. We need to wrap up soon though. Yeah, it'll just make you be like, okay, come on, come on, come on, come on. Yes. And very quickly, I wanted to say, obviously, boring, but like, re-evaluate your social media usage is very boring to be like, when you look and you see, everyone's

having a great time, you're not, there's not actually any good stuff on that. No, I wasn't reading it. The time, though. Mine's dead. Oh yeah, of course. Sorry. So sorry. The social media.

No, I mean, I wasn't really saying anything of any interest. Oh, my. Please. Oh, my God. You're doing fantastic. I am. So, yeah, just the idea that I,

even though I know this stuff, I get my own head, and this is the time as well of the year where you see the weddings and you're like, oh, I wasn't invited to that, but I didn't know that. Or you're like, oh, cool, they've all gone on to a,

they've gone camping. Oh, shit. Or you just, the amount of people I see that. I'm like, how do you know that many people? A, and B, who organized? you also go to the same pub at the same time. It's so hard to get anyone to do anything. And then I get at my own head.

And then I start to feel lonely and feel like... And actually, it's all bullshit, isn't it, really? So if you... As well, as well, social media very cleverly makes you feel like you're not isolated because you can develop really lovely friendships online. But it turns out that we as humans do need... I was going to say mouth-to-mouth contact.

Mouth to face to mouth content. If you take home nothing from this evening, remember... Dagenham and Mouth to mouth-to-mouth contact. to face-to-mouth content. That's what you want to know. Is it mouth to mouth or face-to-mouth? It's face-to-mouth.

We need to put our foreheads on people's mouths. No, we need to experience what it feels like. Because it's about like, you know, we pick up cues from people's faces. Even just being around other people creates a chemical reaction within us that we don't get from. It's like a false one with social media. Well, look, thank you so much. I hope that was helpful to people listening. I hope it was helpful for everyone in this room.

I certainly am going to go out and make some connections alone while I'm eating my sandwich on the train. Yeah, let's talk to some people. Yeah, we won't. I'm just going to be eating stuff in my face. When I get in my life in general, I shall. You're going to invite some people on some holidays. Yeah. I'm going to keep sending some texts about antiques fairs and others.

You're going to do the daguerg and reunion. Yeah, I'm going to do the dagger and reunion. Stop from taking to giving. Swat from waiting to doing. Start from hoping to trying. Ooh. Please do followers at Nobody Panic Pod on Twitter. or if you have, if you're listening and you're thinking,

oh, I've got a good suggestion for these incredible experts. Please do email us, Nobody Panic, Podcast, at gmail.com. And thank you so much, Solve. We give yourself a random applause. You've been amazing. Thank you so much.