Nobody Panic - How to cope when your friends move on

Episode Date: June 25, 2018

This week Stevie and Tessa are joined by author, podcaster and all round brilliant egg Dolly Alderton to talk about friends and housemates moving on to pastures new and how to cope with being left behind.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th September. The date is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace. It's coming to London. True on Saturday the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September at King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Welcome. Welcome. What a treat. Welcome to Nobody Panic where we're going to be talking about, what's the exact wording of it, Tessa? It's how to cope when your friends move on. Is that what it is? You're being quite aggressively.

So it's a bit nicer. How to cope and your friends move on. Yeah, it's about a time in your life when maybe your friends are getting married or people feel like they're moving on to different jobs than you or they're just moving at a different pace. Or they've gone to university and you haven't. or, you know, people have moved to a different school even, or even that you are, used to live in a house that was full of friends and now all the friends of... And you're alone.

And you're alone. Yes, we are. If you constantly hear me referencing the housemate that left me, it's a very personal one for me, that everybody left me in the house. But also I hope it's a universal one that everyone feels a point where people are moving at a different, you know. Yeah, absolutely.

And I think we have the best person in the world. In the world to talk about it, Because, I mean, I guess what I mean there is that you're the loneliest person and all your friends have left you, but I don't mean that. We've got Dolly Alderson N from The Amazing Podcasts, The Highlo. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hello. So Dolly's going to be giving us a sensationalized. But from her phenomenal book, Something, Something, Something, Something. Everything I know about love. Anyway about not that, not that, not that love. Yes. It's the Sunday Times bestseller and has been for the last year.

I'm really overselling. I really like that. Do you find that you do that with that? your podcast when you're selling it. Of course. We just say it's a million, a million, a million, ten million. Yeah, always. It has been in the Sunday best, some of those times best sell list for a year.

That is correct, actually. Yeah, ended it top. It's the number one. Amazing, that's so great. It's incredible. It's such a shame that hasn't been that for longer. I went to, Dolly's book lunch was at the Savoy. I was away and I didn't go, so I couldn't come.

Which is, that will never happen again. I don't think that was to one off. I don't think you ever really have your first book launch ever again. So do it. But from then on it will be, from now on it will be. If I'd write any other books, it will be warm white wine in the back of a water state. In a van. In a car park.

Usually there were these dipteak candles that were lit. And as soon as I walked in, because I'm feral in my heart, I was like, those are coming home with me. And I had my eye on them the whole evening. Just quite out of the corner of my eye. And then right at the end, I was like, this is what I'm going to do. walk up, blow it out, walk with it, out the door, don't look back. Plan that, turn to say goodbye to you, look back, candle's gone, already stolen by somebody else.

Yeah, do you know, that's what happens to me, invite a load of fucking basic bitches. Basic bitches. Every person in there worked in media, or they were a PR, or they were a journalist, and they are all filthy little rotters, and there was not one Dipteeak candle left for me. No, also you see a Dipteak and everyone knows how much they are, so everyone's coming. I actually don't. Can you imagine Dipteak is the one with the letters spaced out like an anagram? I know exactly what they are.

I've understood or a puzzle. But I've never looked at how much they are. Oh, God, I've really enjoyed that. Are they 50 pounds? Yeah. That's so much for a candle. It's so much for a candle. That's why you can never buy one.

But I immediately want one because it's like, exactly. Because then when you see them as someone's house, you're like, ooh. Yeah. Even though what we should all do is just buy one from pound land and stick a puzzle on it. A crossword on it. Stick a crossword on.

No one will know. Or another thing that you can do is to really eke out your sort of scant bit of luxury for your personal brand is have one. a diptee candle, make it last for about two years until it goes black around the rim, and then fill it up with hot water and washing up liquid, soak it, and then use it as a toothbrush holder. That's nice. It's to show that you once had one.

Exactly. And apparently this is what all the French beauty editors do. Yeah, but then you look like a sort of Prussian heiress who's fallen on hard times. Which is great. That's a lot. Very much your personal brand. The aesthetic vibe of my entire flat. It's literally there's one for like my dish gloves.

That's excellent. I know. That's horrible. And what adult thing have you done this week, Jessa? Well, I'm wearing a dress that doesn't fit, but it turns out you just don't do the zip all the way up at the back and, like, turn it in. And it looks fine, Stevie. I think it looks fine.

I wouldn't call that an adult thing, but I think we're going to go with it. Yeah. Yeah. Great. So I'm saying is... We don't do your dress up. With a few safety pins and a bit of confidence, just style out whatever you're wearing.

That is, I think, 90% of adult wear it. I don't want to come in here and be contrarian and pick holes in the what did I do to be an adult segment. Sure. I think that the more adult thing would be to accept that you need the size bigger. That is true. But I still think that what you did was like quasi adult. It was resourceful. Right.

Bought it on ASOS. No other sizes. Right. Bought it anyway. Yeah. And that's the first. And that's the first. No, none of these things are adult.

But I'm working with it. It's so nice to have someone else. I'm making bricks with straw here. Like, I'm doing my best, okay? You are doing your best. I've made several poor choices, and then I styled out. And then you made the best of it, you're making the best of it. All right.

That's good. That's good. Thank you, everyone. Also, the reason I'm lashing out so much is I regularly buy dresses that are too small for me. Yeah. It's a sort of hopeful omen. This wasn't a hopeful. I was 100% sure it wasn't going to fit.

But now I'm glad because I've got all these dresses that don't fit and I can try the old sit- down, pull the things in so people don't say your zip is gaping. And then it just looks like a lower back. Lower back. And also you need to unpick the label which takes two seconds because otherwise people like your labels out and then people be like, your zip's undone and then people try to keep helping. It's just snowballing. It's snowballing.

And then everyone in. And people try and your boobs out. Once a stranger just tried to zip me in and I was like, it's not going to go. Oh wow. It's so. And also that's really tough when you live alone because I often will be like on my way to an event and I'll get an Uber instead of getting the tube.

so they can knock on the driver's window and saying, hello, would you mind just doing me up? Oh my God, see, Prussian heiress, who's fallen on hard ties. Oh, darling, take me and won't you dress me? But often it means they can't get it up. And the worst is when a stranger is like, I don't think this is going to... Yeah, the worst thing ever is when your Uber driver can't get it up. Oh, my God.

Try anything on your own and then come back to me. I mean, that's the most adult thing that we... That's more adult than anything we've ever done combined, getting an Uber. because you can't get your dress up up, so you've already nailed it. Because already you're inherent in that as implied you're going somewhere wonderful.

Yeah, definitely. And even if you're not, that's even more adult to get an Uber. Yeah, just taking Uber round the block and back again. My adult thing a few weeks ago was I bought a tin for my earrings. Like, that's the level of going to. Oh, I think that's super adult.

Thank you. No, no, I think that's really adult. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, what is yours this week? Oh, sorry, sorry. It's very much about you. I'm going to. Carry on.

I think the most adult thing that you can do. do is spend money on stuff that you're going to benefit from every single day. Yeah, yeah. I think it's a, I had never anticipated how much of a sense of calm and happiness it would bring me to like have a Hoover that works. Yeah, rather than the one that was already there. Or have like a basket with some face flannels in and the whole thing would have cost like two pounds.

Yeah. But it makes me feel so capable and responsible and like, maybe I can look after myself. Yeah. The discovery that things that you thought were really boring. Yeah. We have like a basket for a loo roll and it's like I've never had a basket for my lorole. Obviously it's just the Andrex has just been put next to the toilet. Yeah, exactly.

And I was like a basket and I just want everyone to piss whenever they come into my house. Like just go. Use it. Because I just feel like, look, I'm on the basket. Where is your toilet roll? Is it in or on a holder in a basket or is it just on the toilet? On the toilet. It was on the toilet for me for years.

Yeah. Because it's easy. But you just, I think we really reject all of those things. like having a basket or nice tea towels or something. You think you have to get an expensive thing and you just don't. Also because you're like, boring. Yes. I'll spend that on shots.

Am I right? Yeah, right? It's like, you know, Mr. Potatoe at the beginning of toy story where someone has brought sheets when they were listening to the birthday gifts. And then Mr. Potato is like, who invited this kid? So all your life, you're like, okay, no sheets. It's best to sleep on the nude mattress than to like buy a sheet because Mr. Potato Head thinks it's not cool.

So still, if someone bought me sheets for my birthday, I wouldn't enjoy that. Oh, I would now, I think if they were really glam and nice. Glash. Egyptian cotton, 200 thread counts. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've, I've bought, I've seen you. I've read you.

The sort of thing that you'd like, I've bought your sheets. Yeah. If my mum bought them for me or something for Christmas, it's lovely. In amongst the other gifts. Yes, yes. What have everyone bought your sheets? Do you know what I mean? You know what I mean?

What's yours? I feel like I've said that I bought a basket for Lou Rob, but the thing I did, sorry, yeah. Was I did a, um, I did a, um, I did a, um, went to a party and a very organized fun party, which was actually really nice. It was like fun. Everyone there is a musical theatre actor and really... Sounds like hell.

Yeah, I genuinely was terrified about going. And actually when I got there, I was like, oh, these are actually, they're nice people. And like really fun. Lots of chatting. But we played a game and part of the game was that you had to like, you got a, I got Taylor Swift out of a hat and you had to perform so that people would know who it was.

And I asked somebody who performed regularly, I can't do it. I don't like being funny in social situations. I don't like being like a music or like just, it was instant sweat. Like, it was literally like this. Stevie, you neck. I was like, I'm just going to pretend that I like this. So like pretended it went in really confidently with, oh, look what you made me do.

Look what you made. The Taylor Swift song, the famous song, does not, we just have been, no. So what do you do in this game? You just sing a song by the person. It's quite an easy game. It is, but there's loads of people staring at you and you have to see this on. Sorry, sorry, sorry. And also, what a horrible game is.

One before me did is Stephen Sondheim and performed it so beautifully that everyone essentially cried. And so then I'd be like, cool, I've got Taylor Swift, did it and sat down and didn't go, I just didn't think, or cry. So that was my thing. That's really adult actually. Yeah. Oh, great.

That's so wonderful. I'm getting really hot talking about it. Well done. You did so well because I wouldn't mind that game because I can't sing at all and that everybody knows that. And so therefore I come out, I can. confidently hide behind not having to try. Whereas if you can sing and you, you know, then you...

As everyone knows, I have a beautiful voice. As everyone has a exquisite voice, Stevie. Then it becomes, you know, then it's just horrible weird. If you're a performer in any sense, or if you're known for being amusing and witty or you're known... Like, I imagine you must have a lot of people, situations where you kind of feel like you have to act a specific way. And if you don't want to, it's like, oh, great. I think it's just, it's the organised fun thing. I just hate games.

Anyone in a social situation. Yeah. anyone clicking their fingers and being now, everyone has to be entertaining. It makes me feel actually quite angry. I went to my friend that does like immersive theatre. Oh God. The best. I took my friend Sabrina and she was like,

how can we be sweary on this? Yes. We went in and it was my friend's amazing theatre company and she does immersive theatre better than a new one. I just have this like quite visceral reaction to being like told I have to play along with something. and this actor came up to me and everyone was like really getting into the fun and they were pretending that we were at this like

life school of life and this man came up to me and he was like, hello, how long have you been signed up for the academy? And Sabrina said you were acting just like an absolute cunt she was like, I've never seen you behave like that she said I just turned so rude she was like you were so self-conscious and you felt like people were taking the piss out of you

and you obviously felt so vulnerable she's like I've never seen you have such a sense of humour failure and she was like it was actually quite uncomfortable with us and I was like that the whole evening and I just couldn't it's obviously something to do with self-esteem that I didn't feel confident enough that I could just like be present and go along with the fun that someone else is orchestrated I can't have fun unless I've like been a part of orchestrating this fun that is bad isn't it so what's dolly's adult thing oh my it's very boring and simple I thought you'd already done one so sorry mine's very boring and simple I have a script deadline today so I put my phone on

airplay mode. Oh, that's great. This morning in a separate room. Fantastic. That's fantastic. That's really great. That's basically the only way that I can write now. Yeah, I can imagine that. And then I reward myself if I do well, every hour I'm allowed to go on Twitter for five minutes. And then I

come back off again. I mean, it's a problem. It's bad. That's wonderful though. That's great. Well done. Took that step. That's really good. Thank you. You've got a reward system in. I need a reward system for my procrastination. You removed things from yourself. Yeah. What a start. Thank you. Well done you. Thanks, Bain.

So, how to cope when your friends move on? Any thoughts, anybody? I've got nothing. I know. So this is born of me and Jolly got to hang out on the train coming back from somewhere. What a great hangout location. Such a very hangout. We had a Maddo and do an International Women's Day talk.

And then we went back on the train. And a lovely girl called Zoe and who I just met. And we were all really discussing housing situation and who people live with. And Dolly had, so sorry, Dolly. I just hear. hit her and she punched her dolly's down everyone so that's the end from her

dolly just moved in with her but moved in with herself and that's what I call it yeah and we were just discussing what it's like when someone that you've lived with for a long time that you've been like well this is we are each other's person we are

the pals we are you know then gets a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a partner and you don't become you're not their person anymore yeah and you and I both had the last sugar babe standing thing. Yes. So we had both,

we have both been in a house in which it was all friends, then one by one they all left. So depressing. They went, like, they moved in with boyfriends or they moved abroad for work or they went on to do,

like fantastic things. I was so excited and happy for them, but then they were individually replaced by people off the internet until it was no longer the same house. Like the sugar babes, then I was the last of the sugar babes. And then you keep trying to like

recreate those initial. Yeah, the fun thing. Magic is. The house is still the same. I still live in this bedroom, but nothing is the same. Yeah. nothing is the same here anymore.

And I suppose like arranging things like, oh, let's all go for like a big dinner together. It's great, but just reminds you of what you don't have anymore. Yeah. But even if like, I mean, Tess had it much, you had it harder than I did because you had people coming in from the internet. I still had very close friends of mine coming in. But it is different.

It is. And also I felt like the, when I was with them, those first two flatmates before they left me. Yes. To go live their life. Let's use a more positive term. Let's say passed away. They passed to the other side.

They died in my head. No, which is, and now, you know, I found it really difficult at the time. Because I'm a control freak. And I think I had, I had, I was so young. You know, we moved in together when we were 24. Then by, before my 25th birthday, my best from Farley was out. Oh, wow. You know, so it was really tough.

So, because in my. head I was like there's going to be these London years that we have together which is incredibly now I look back arrogant of me that I can feel like I can you know write a joint narrative that for both of us that suits me yes I was but that's very self-aware of you but that's what a lot of it was a lot of it was no no no no no this is not the story I've decided for our 20s and I think yeah how did you how did you cope when Farley left like what did you obviously you're very sad but what were any things that you did that you feel helped you in any way that would help someone

listening? I just took it so badly. Right. I think I behaved really badly. Also Farley said to this day one of her biggest regrets is she knew how upset I was by it and she knew that I was really devastated and she, she's, you know, she's been like my best friend since we were like 11 and we went to university together. We were completely inseparable. We never really had a year apart from each other. So I just, I was a bit of. shock and she moved out on my 25th birthday. Oh wow. Which she since has said, what the fuck was I thinking when I knew you were having this total

breakdown? I just didn't really cope with folly at all. I think I behaved quite badly. Like I remember not really helping her move out. Like physically I remember like making a choice to be quite absent I think. I think I was really brattie. I think I was brattie and hurt and I felt quite humiliated. So I'm quite embarrassed about it.

how I handled that. It just made it all about me. Of course, right. And I got really drunk at her house warming party with her new boyfriend. And I think I sort of slag them off to everyone on the patio. I get. Well, this is like a what not to do. So it's still advised. It's really hard not to just embrace

that total brat behavior. Like it's a suicide bomber basically when you feel like that. Yeah, because you especially because she knows like your friends are like, oh gosh how's Dolly going to be? Oh gosh, you're leaving to her. So once people have set up that space for you to throw a tantrum and to be upset.

You just own it so hard. And then it's easy, it's so much easier rather than being like, gosh, I'm actually quite sad and scared and here on my real emotion. It's so much easier to be like, I hate them. Yeah, exactly.

Hi everyone. And I repeatedly referred to my housemate leaving me as the divorce and constantly told people that he took the printer. Yeah, that's what I did. You make it into this like joke that's not a joke thing. You know, and I think it's because people have let, you know, You have your space here and then you behave dreadfully.

But it's a breakup. I think people don't think about it like that because it's a friend. So they're like, well, it's just a friend. You can see her all the time. You're like, no, it's not the same. And it never has been the same. And Farley will say that. And I think that's like something that I think that I have the foresight of knowing

this magical thing that we've been doing. You know, we live together at uni. This is now finished. This is over. And we're still just as close. But I'm sure you have it with your ex-flatmates. It is this magical time. when you live together and it is so ephemeral

and I think I always knew that it gave us this intimacy in our friendship group that once it was done it was done and something that my friends always used to say the second time it happened to me with AJ it only happened less than the year like six months later oh god yeah and she was moving in with her boyfriend as well and I was much more vulnerable that time

and I just begged her to stay I was like I'll pay for half your rent oh god I said if this is money I'll sell my body I said I don't need to go out as much I was so desperate for her today. And I think as well at that point, it was less about her. It was more about me feeling like, as everyone was moving on and I wasn't,

and I needed to, like, control the situation somehow, which is phenomenally self-obsessed. But I was much better with her. I was just more vulnerable, as you said, but because it became this, like, in-joke that I would, like, have these complete breakdowns when these women moved on. That, like, my friends started saying these phrases that I find so funny with. A.J. I remember saying, well, look, I'll move in with Stephen. and probably lived together for a year and maybe move back in here after a year.

No, you won't. You never hear of that happening. That literally never happens. Friends have heard repeatedly say, well, we've got a special, we've got a room for Tessa, like in their house. Like when Joey and Joe, they have to make a room for Joey

at Chandler and Monica's house. It doesn't make you feel better. No, it does. It's this odd clown who's like, weird because like it's such a thing. Like Joey is like, this is our life, Joey and Chandler made together. And because one person is,

chosen to leave it, the life now ceases to exist. Exactly. And the other person... You can't continue it in an imagined sphere or on one side. On one side, you can't be like, but we'll see each other all the time when I'll always be around like, you just like, those things won't happen. Yeah. And it's such a hard thing when, especially because for the person who is moving on, for them, it's this exciting huge next step and you want to be excited and happy for them, but you can't ever get away from the fact that they've left you on the step now. Yeah. That you know, it's literally how a child would react. Yes. It is like a child being. feeling like we are all children with this thing like like as in you never had that experience before

so how could you act like an adult like you didn't know what that would feel like and so then of course you would act like that i suppose like did it get easier with him with every friend that left you yeah by the time it got to india but by the time it got to the third one she was so nervous about telling me and then she burst into tears as she told me and i was like well you must have been so scared of me and actually by that point i was just at a much better place in my life and i was much happier also At that point, I realized, I think everyone has a moment in their 20s. I don't know if you guys have had this, where I realized that, like, everything is supposed to change. Yeah.

I think up until then, I thought if things were changing, then it meant I was doing things wrong, or I had to be sad and nostalgic, or things were slipping through my fingers. But so many huge and dramatic and unexpected things happened in my friendship group in the last five years, that you just get to a point of, like, semi-surrendering. And actually, I think, true peace and happiness. in life is when you can just realize that there's basically nothing you can do to control anything. No, yeah. And I think I got near at that point.

And I was just like, well, of course. What I do? But how would the punch is life? This is what happens. And that is a hugely adult thing to have to get on board with life. Because as a child, it is like, here's all the things I've ever known and you're taking them away from me. Exactly. It's screaming like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not ready to, I don't want my, you know, even at school I remember, my, like, best friend went to,

moved to a different school in sixth form and you no matter how much there's like we'll visit and we'll do this and all these things that you're like it's never this is done now and that is a huge thing to make peace with at any point to be like well this is done now you know you obviously have to sort of hold on to this okay it'll be it'll be fine i've just realized you know like when i've mentioned this podcast and when like i was introducing it then i'm like i don't really have an experience with this and as you said that i was like i think i now know why When I was like in primary school, my first ever friend, Claire, was like that thing where you buy best friend necklaces and you're like,

this is my best friend. And we were best friends. And I was like announced. It was known. It was official. It becomes part of your identity. Yes. I'm surprised I wasn't like documentation or something.

Because it was the best friend necklace. I still have it, I think. And when we, and also like, boys wasn't really a thing for me at all at primary school. And also really secondary school. So like, I. Or now. Or now. No.

The point of me saying that is because I put all of my like eggs in one woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we were very young. And then when we made the transition from primary school to high school, it was a very horrible transition because I went from like being friends with everyone and having my best friend to being like quite badly bullied. And my friend said she didn't want to be my friend anymore and we never spoke again. And I was completely, I was completely like, devised like, I've forgotten this completely.

I've blocked down my memory. How have you blocked this out? I don't know. Dude, you need therapy. That would be session one. Right? Because I like learnt that. young. I think from then on

I've never had like a close friendship group of girls because I've been like well you know it's not going to last or whatever I think it's quite sad but healthy. I do have lots of lovely friends but it's I don't ever ask too much like if they you never ask to wear a necklace again. I don't want a necklace yeah like when my best friend at uni moves to Abu Dhabi I was like oh god

but it was cool like we like del e-mailed and I still see her and it's but it's different now and we've kind of we've like grown apart somewhat but I'm able to accept that because I had like a horrible time when I was so young with it. It's probably given you more perspective. Possibly. I'm very wise now. No, it probably did completely harm me and made me with many different ways. I mean that is so detrimental to go through that. Yes. Yes. I feel like maybe I shouldn't have said it. No, no, no. But I just wanted to say like if anyone listening has had that. Everybody has, you know,

everyone has won over those. And you don't realize the impact that it has and how much you, you know, that you don't then commit in the future and you don't, you know, It's literally like love. It's like love. Absolutely. When you get, you never ever fall as hard. Which is your book. That's what it's all.

I mean, that's why. The bits with your friends made me more emotional than the best. That's why. Yeah. Those are the pieces for sure that like they resonated so hard with me about female friendship and, you know, how we deal, treat each other. And, you know, like when you're broken up with you, the first time you're dumped, like you never fall as hard ever again in the future because you're ready for it.

And you know that you've recovered from this once and like you will get through it. And then the first time you're like, well I think I'm Miss M. Ms. Havisham now. Like there's no other possible solution for me here. Like this feeling is never going away. And accepting that and treating it. So if it does happen,

being ready for it and being like, this is going to feel like a breakup. And if you've had a breakup before, you'll know what that feels like. But you may not have, like, what's the word? You may not be expecting it to come from a friend situation. So you might completely blindside you. Yeah, because they aren't the people that are supposed to dump you

and they aren't, it's never this, you know, it's so often you know sometimes it's this horrifying like I'm choosing to move on here and sometimes it's this like oh I've been promoted at work or I'm having this or I'm moving with my boyfriend or I'm doing these things that should be this time of celebration and yet you're like

I can't celebrate because I'm being dumped in this process you know what I think that's another big thing that's really important is just like shedding that sense that narcissism that I had for so long where it was just they were all like parts in my film

and they were like not they had not learnt the lines for the script yeah yeah like I was flivet with them and actually I think realising that it's just nothing to do with you and if you're feeling that level of despair or that someone being that someone being at the same level as you be that in the workplace or in your flat or you know circumstantial place if you feel like them being in a different place

will make everything crumble then it means you're like really unhappy yeah absolutely it's nothing absolutely I was going to say I think there's probably a real there is a real correlation between how you react when a friend moves on and how your life is at that moment. That's exactly what it was for me. Yeah. Yeah. Because you feel like, well, I've, you've made all these leaps and bounds and I am actually left here and I'm not good at life and I'm like, yeah. And then their decision somehow feels like an aggressive mocking of your life, which is nothing to do with you. So you're like, I'm really angry that you're falling in love because that means that like it's how,

what does that say about me and my decision? It's just nothing to do with you. Absolutely, and I think it's so much, so much, apart and parcel of who you are as a person, like, you know, when you are struggling at work or you are and don't feel your career's going somewhere and something good happens to somebody, if your instant reaction is like, is this like, my hands are cramping as a response, but like that's...

Isn't a reaction to cramp? Yeah, like a claw hand. It's like, ah, this fury and this jealousy and all of those things, then that is on 100% on you and where you're at. But if your reaction is this like, oh my goodness, yay! Which it should be for everything. And it's not like, oh, I wish I. was a better person I wish I could say yay if you are feeling happy and good and okay

yay will be your reaction it will be your ins and people wanting to move in with their boyfriend and everything yay will be your response for them yeah I also don't I don't think at all that it's bad to react like you did you've said quite a few times like you know I was awful I was I think you just you know like we have to accept the way that we react and you reacted for a reason yes exactly it wasn't your fault like you didn't you didn't mean to not be think if you are going through that oh I've snapped and I've lashed out and to look at it in an objective way and to be like, okay, so why have I done that?

Take responsibility. What is it? Not like, oh, I'm a shithead. Just like, okay, why have I acted like a shithead? There has to be a reason. And then there will be, then that's like a proactive way. And then you can start looking at yourself. Yeah.

What to do? Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. That's it. When you get to a point where you feel like everyone is on, there's this ordain line that I use all the time now when I'm talking about, great. Being a psycho with my friends of my 20s.

in an ordinary poem, I think it's an orden poem, yes. He said, arm in arm but never in step to describe love. And I think that if you can find peace on your own path in life and feel peace and happiness for your friends on their wildly different paths, you can accept that you're all on these kind of different journeys and you're not in tandem, but you can still walk very closely with each other. Yeah, that's a lovely way of putting it. Thank you.

You'd look mad if your arm and arm and your feet were somewhere else. That's all like a thing. Never in step. Yeah. Yeah, it's lovely. That's really lovely. It's nice, isn't it? I think.

You can take that for your wedding. I think it'd be good for a wedding speech. Thank you. Great. In the bank it goes. Yeah. Straight in. I did a real ASDA.

You've got a boyfriend, so you can take it for your wedding speech. I'm handing it. I don't want to. I'm so much. Have that for your bloody wedding. Why, don't you? You have it. You have it.

And I'm super happy for you guys. Goodness. We've moved on. We never speak again. Goodness. Say. Yeah, I think so many of those, so much of growing up is realizing those things of like when everybody is writing a different book and you're on a different chapter and, you know,

don't, don't fake, write, the race is long and in the end it was only with yourself. Every episode, one of us quotes Baz Luhrman. It's because he's the greatest. It's the greatest song ever. The greatest song for all time. Yeah, that, you know, accepting that you are all just on a different path and don't, you know, the end of the day today is not the end of the game. Like, you know, we're all just.

doing this in a different pace and when you look back on your life it will all make a perfect path it will all have made sense all the choices and all the things that you did very calmly making a piece with that which is such a hard hard thing to do did you find anything from your experiences with your friends moving out have you found anything what not to do or like what to do um my my my one piece of advice is like just to not um believe that it's i always returned to me crying on the school bus on the first day of year seven because i was sat next to a girl i didn't like because we were alphabetically the same. Even this just perfectly nice.

And suddenly I just didn't like the idea of that this was my only option for the next seven years and I cried. And then after a week, the alphabetical system had obviously collapsed as if they would make six formers sit in alphabetical order. The whole year. I would have freaked out.

Yeah, you know, you have this real reaction of like, well, this is it now, that's that. And, you know, it's really hard to... So always I remember, like, that felt so real to me then. and all these things that feel like, well, this is it forever now, you know, if you're having a bad time at work or in a relationship or you're, you're like, well, I can't see any way out of this.

They will change. And of course, those things will move on. And it's just about accepting that. And, you know, the good, you just have to be like, this can't, this, this thing that we've made together. It's not that you've ruined it by leaving or whatever. It's that this just was at its end because one party is going. And that is totally okay.

Like you can't both be here. So much more phase and cyclical than I. Anyone tells you. Like, you were always told like, a friend's forever. And like in the films, it's always like, we grew up together and it's exactly the same. It's not like that.

Cycles and this is just the coming, the waning of this moon. And that was its lifespan. And this is its life. And I remember somebody crying about a boy once and saying, but he was perfect. And my friend looking at her and being like, well, he wasn't because he didn't fancy you.

Yeah, exactly. So I think of like, we had this thing. And like, we is the crucial word there. we had this thing and now we have to both be part of this and just because exactly what you're saying of like my friends hadn't learned their lines in my story it's like I hadn't learned my lines in their story like what do what do they need in it from me in this friendship and in like a positive way I found that when you know there's been a few friends that I've had that I was very close to who have just we just drifted apart and it's natural and and that's often geography based I found

very recently like I've gained two more friends from a part of my life I didn't really think about and it's so nice to have like got off such a different relationship with them that I have with anybody else we're not going to have the history but we do have like a really close friendship and just as friends are kind of going for all other friends arrive and it's like it's not always as negative as it feels even though it when it happens it does feel incredibly negative yeah and the good ones like we'll just be there forever but in just different ways exactly um different ways and means different ways and means just because they don't live in your, live in the downstairs bedroom anymore. Yeah, which was weird. It was weird when he kept me in your basement. Yeah. I didn't know where you're going with

living your, sorry, just because like, it was like, it was a lot. It was nice when you someone's below me and you just like bang on the floor and, you know, shout for breakfast. Yeah. See, very demanding, difficult house, mate. It sounds like a great flat man. I don't know why on your life. Joey over here. Why would anyone leave me? Um, yeah, yeah, it just, it, well, the good ones will be there and you don't have to, don't let it become all-consuming and it gets it gets better and also it's not as bad anything like as bad as you think it is once you've got out of the bad bit yeah it's no yeah it's no yeah it's the initial emotion and yeah I feel like that was actually quite positive and quite I don't so therapy yeah she's wonderful it's good I feel I feel I feel I feel I started sharing and I want to

I think everyone's got to share but also I mean I was good it was good it was so important yeah but also I think that everyone has like everyone has like everyone has like everyone has a degree of a nickname. That's really extreme. Tessa just put her finger on my finger. That's the amount of support I'm prepared to offer. Also, I couldn't reach her. She's quite far away. I'm very sweaty.

There's no air in this room. I could have stayed, despite the heat, I could have stayed talking in here for hours. So thank you very much for Dolly for coming on. Thank you for having her. Am I right in saying your Twitter is like at Dolly Olderton? Yeah. Yeah. And Instagram's the same, isn't it?

Sure it is. Why not? Absolutely. The book is out now. Everything. know about love. Yes. Top of the New York Times.

Top of the actual pop charts as well, which actually would discontinue to be 2005. Amazing. Which is insane. That's what I call music 96. That was of course, Dolly's big number. Very amazing one. You can see me on top of the pops perform everything I know about Love this Friday.

Oh, God, I wish. I wish. All the millennials out there. I wish. The podcast, the high low. Yeah, which is a Pandora size. Fave. Absolutely great podcast.

reciprocate this spray as quickly. Oh yeah, if you like. I'm just obsessed with both of you. That's so kind, but you can't really tell our listeners because I've made it this far through this episode, so they know, whereas we can at least send them to your work. This is true. Yeah, actually, I don't need to advertise. You don't need to advertise.

They're very much here. They've made it here. I'm just giving you a testimonial that I just... Thank you. I think you're two of the most brilliant and funny women. Oh, it's too much in here. When I met Tesset was so intense that my writing partner, Lauren, got quite jealous.

Right, it's up. Whereas I left on an absolute hive because I found a new pal. I remember us actively saying to each other, we need to keep a cap on this and we must only see each other. We must only see each other. We need to keep each other.

Oh, it was close to that. Yeah, yeah. And it was right before Christmas as well and that's when all bets are off with me with the snogging stuff. Also, we'd had this wonderful discussion about how Dolly's like fantasy involves people saying, oh God, she's so beautiful and humble.

Which made me laugh. Which just spoke to a real deep truth in me and I really made me laugh. They're all just like flawed by how down to earth I am. She's such a good girl. And I think there's nothing that unites people more than having like a deep secret. Totally.

Said out loud to you by somebody else. And everyone being like, and we're always like this. Yes. And a black hole appeared. Yeah, exactly. We popped in. Right. Yeah, tweet us at Nobody Panic Pod.

Email us. Nobody Panic Podcast at gmail.com. I still, it's not rolling off the old tongue. Nobody panic podcast at gmail.com. Perfect. Or tweet me at Stevie M. The S is a 5 at Tessicoat. At Dolly Alderton.

At Dolly Alderton. And yeah, have a lovely week, guys. And stay in there. Stay in there. Keep hanging in there. Give your friends a hug. Give your friends a hug. And it's okay.

Time. Yeah. Time will heal everything. You're going to be a okay. See you next week, guys. Bye. Bye.