Nobody Panic - How to do a Halloween Costume

Episode Date: October 25, 2022

Happy All Hallow's Eve! Last minute invite to a Halloween party? Flying solo? In a couple? Going as a team with all your housemates? Tessa and Stevie present a list of frankly excellent suggestions in the hope of getting those creative costume juices flowing and getting you ready for the spooky season.Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The date is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace. It's coming to London. True on Saturday the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September at King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Halloween, this is Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. That's not quite good for me this year, I think. But what normally happens is you go, ho ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. This is Halloween, ha. And it's not clear what's happening. I think long-time listeners will say that's a real improvement in her, this is Halloween. It really is. Welcome to Nobody Panic, the podcast that you're listening to. And each week we do a how-to. I'm Stevie. Tessa is over there. There she is.

So before we get into Halloween, what we're doing this week, this Halloween, and we've given you enough time, we've got basically a week, we're doing Halloween outfits. So... Costumes, is there perhaps more commonly known? No, Halloween outfits.

Halloween outfits. Halloween dress shirts and what you can do. And what to wear... How to style your Halloween dress shirt? On it. A little spider brooch, perhaps. No, not a lot of shirt. Cuff links, that's what I should have said.

Yeah, it's Halloween coming out, cufflinks. That would be the thing. And that would be nice. We've dealt with Halloween a lot in the past. We're both big fans. And we thought we'd perhaps touch on every area, but the outfits. Exactly. And low, here we are.

But before we get in, jump, dive right in. Steve, what's your adult thing this week? I've actually got quite a good one this week. I'm quite proud of it. So, a bit of backstory. About two, three weeks ago, I went out with. with my sister who'd come back from Australia and got COVID immediately on the plane

and then had to isolate and then she had one night out and then had to go home the next day. That's really... A good use of flight money. But we went out and she had to get the flight sort of not that early the next day but she kind of like maybe had like a glass of wine or something

but we went out till quite late. And when I woke up the next morning I was like, oh I'd drank not loads but I was like I've drunk maybe like four glasses of wine I'm hungover. And I really had this like, flash image of like how I've been really like I'm fine with alcohol I don't have I don't drink on my own I don't need to drink I can go like months without drinking if I don't

have a social situation if I have a social situation I have to have a glass of wine I now don't even have to do it with gigs it's just social social things and I thought okay well I just won't drink and then it was like oh my god I can't do that and it's like oh well this interrogated that feeling so I went out three times this week and I didn't drink at all. And one was like a one-on-one were going for a drink. One was three people and it was like, let's all go for a drink after dinner, eat before you come, it's just about the drinking. And then the other one was like a launch thing of my friends, which I didn't think I'd know it, I'd know anyone. And I'd sort of ordered them so it'd be like the one that I was kind of most worried about first,

like a one-on-one, arriving and being like, I'm not drinking. Which, to be honest, you do so well and you'll just be like, I'll just have tap water and you don't even think about it. I feel like I'm letting, I'll make them feel like they are having a bad night. I'll make, basically, I feel like there's an expectation when I've come to the thing that's like, well, Steve, we'll be putting it away. And then to let, because I've got friends like that and where when they've been like, I'm not drinking. I'm like, oh, but I wanted to come out with you because I knew it was going to be like a fun big night.

And so I felt like that. And then what's, what it has taught me is that, A, I'm not boring without a wine. And I can like have a really nice time. until quite late. And B, that people aren't as like mean about it as I thought there would be, no one's been mean at all, but I did think there'd be like a, oh, sort of element. And they weren't, because they're my actual friends. And C, if you're not drinking, don't drink Diet Coke, because I drank five pints of Diet Coke and was awake until four in the morning because of the caffeine. So, like, that was a real, so it's like, it's got to be juice, or it's got a bit of tonic water,

it doesn't have caffeine in it. pints of apple juice. Oh my God. And what was yours? Adult thing. That's so, I'm really proud of you. Thank you.

Truly. And well done. And often places have got quite fancy, um, like a strawberry spritz or some shit in the, quite nice. Yeah. In the mocktail section.

I don't really like juices. So it's like I have one and then I just, I don't like half of it for like the five hour thing. But it, once you find you, once you find it, you're away. I'm away. Yeah.

Once you keep going in there in the soft section. Maybe a lemonade. Yeah. And you can put all kinds of gear in there. Just just, just what, vodka. and stuff.

I'll really help that go down. No, and then the 11 o'clock pint of Coca-Cola, the regs for me, suddenly you're like... How do you do that? Because like... My body is a sewer. Yeah, you don't have any like caffeine-based issues, do you? No, I don't drink any coffee, but I would easily put away several pints of Coca-Cola.

And then you're like, and I'm up. I'm going on-night. Well, the thing I was about to... It's on brand for my body as a sewer is that, and I just went to look for my backpack, but I don't know where it is. Oh, I thought it broke in the road. Is it still in the road? I don't know, is it?

No, I got it. I made it in here, didn't it? I didn't see it. Well, that'll be something to do after this episode. I think it's in the other room. It must be out of that yet. It must be. But I think what's in the pocket.

And I did not think, remember this until just now when you was thinking about. I can't imagine what you're going to say. Is a woman who's not drunk? No, no. It was just you being like about, do you know, getting ready the next day and being like up and up and, I thought your thing was going about about her missing the flight for the airport. and it was about going to be like getting ready the night before. I just remembered that last night I packed from myself into the little posh one white lindore.

Your Rattle thing. Yes. You put one lindor into the pocket of your back. Wait, I think a recent adult thing was just you arrived here. Yes. And then this thing is you put one white lindor in your posh. As a little tree. You're a fair enough as a little tree later.

But I remember I was so happy. When I did it last night, I remember putting it in and being like, oh, wow, who am I? Have you eaten there? No, I forgot about it to the smell. I forgot it was in there. And then I probably would have forgotten for months. Oh, and they would have like a mouldy, a mouldy old Lindor. That's great.

They keep it quite well. Okay. Instead of somebody who finds them about her person occasionally. That's a very nice thing to find because it is a self-contained snack and it is the best snack. Yeah, I was so, I was giddy. That is also, which brings us. seamlessly to Halloween. To Halloween.

Are you going to a party? Are you going trick or treating? Are you looking for costumes? We're here for you. We're here for you. I will just say that I, in my search, went on Twitter and searched Halloween costumes. Just that. Nice and simple, I would say.

Here's the top tweet. Okay. It's a big, okay. It's a big sheet over the head, like a ghost. What does it say? Wait, it says, you guys, I found my Halloween costume. Nice and simple. What do you think?

Big sheet over the head, sunglasses over the top of the sheet. He's a ghost. You go further down, there's a little hole, and he's got his willy out. And after that, I was like, there you go, Maddo. Oh, my God. And I'd say no to that. That's a poor. That's a no for me. No.

69 likes, though. Well, what I will say is the worst thing about the Halloween costume, and I feel like it's the universal thing, is where to pitch it. And I don't mean, like, a tent. What I mean is, what level are you going to go? Are you going to go hard and get there. and be like, I'm embarrassed, which is obviously the one we all want to avoid. Or are you going to do what I did last Halloween, which is go to my sister,

was a part of this members club in, like, bank, and it was this beautiful, big Halloween ball, and we went as like the girls from the craft, because we were like, we don't want to go too big, because that's, that would be embarrassing. Got there, everyone looked ridiculous, and we looked so boring. I was furious. Either way it's bad. So it's so hard to picture. I think it's...

I mean the year before, of course, you'd been Lumier and Cogsworth. That was when I hadn't left the house. In your house alone. So it's a hard line for you, isn't it? And then we went to sleep at 10.30. Yeah. Yeah. It took four hours to do that costume.

Yeah. No, it's true. It's a tough line. I would say always too hard. Because it's run the risk. Run the risk. Yeah. That's so true. We've all seen the meme. It'll circulate.

if you're an online person, it says something like, I misjudged the Halloween this year. Turns out it was more of an adult get-together. And it's maybe 10 people sort of sat around eating chips and dip and one boy in the corner dressed as the babadook. I've seen that. But fully dressed as the babadook. Yeah, I've seen that.

It's amazing. And I would say, if you have come to the thing, dressed as the babadook, you're nothing if not a talking point. It's content. Also, it's funny. And it's like with everything, you've got to own the mistake.

and if you find it funny It's everyone else It's Halloween Obviously get involved So true Whereas if you're embarrassed about it And everyone will be like Oh he's dressed as a Babadook

And he's furious There's nothing worse than that There's also our friend Mutual friend Rose Johnson Did a tweet last Halloween That was like I forgot how to socialise And it was a photo

About you were in it Oh yeah loads of people just sat around chatting Stood around having drinks And she was just dressed As a full witch In the corner Just having a lovely chat to someone

And it just looked like someone had hired a witch for the occasion. And it was difficult because it wasn't exactly on Halloween. It was like near Halloween. So she'd been like, well, I guess it's near Halloween, I'll be a witch. And then forgotten that's not what people do. In Rose's defence, the party had been pitched as Halloween slash Thanksgiving. And they had said spooks slash spells.

And I'd arrived with various candles and seven different packs of tarot cards. Great. And I was, and there were no spells. That's very frustrating. I was furious. And that's, yeah. So that's the thing that sort of. So I'm all on roses side.

Yeah, the psychological element. Go, you know, go big. Why not? You only live once. Like, you want to look back and go, do you remember that time that I turned up like this and everyone else dressed like this? Exactly.

Loads of fun. Way more fun than like just feeling so boring like I felt last year. So, I mean, God knows what I'm going to dress up as this year. A ballard. So in the spirit of that, if you're thinking, okay, but I don't, I literally don't know. May we present some ideas to you?

Yes, please. Number one, Lumier. Number two, Cogsworth. Number three, and I'm just simply listing out Stevie's back catalogue, the book from Hocus Pocus. Okay, so I have figured out a good way of straddling they, well, I go too hard or will no and be dressed up, which is to come up with a costume that can be easily removed and you just look like a sort of, you're all in black and you're just like a, you're acknowledging that it's Halloween, but not driven up and you've looked sexy.

For me, that's a hard note. That says to me, you're going to take that book off and I want you to live in the book. Okay, but I, I've got, I looked so good as the book. I know, but I don't want you to have, I don't you want you to have a get-out. I don't want you to, like, go to things with, like, one foot outside the door. Of course, but I'm saying, say if you're not as confident as you are, and you are a bit like, oh, I don't know as many people. Do a costume that is, for example, like, you can, well, you can buy fun costumes.

Like, there's that one that looks like a little aliens holding you, and it's got the little fake legs in front of those fun. So you get there, and then if you get there, and you can see, that like nobody is dressed up, but you just quietly pop it off. I think, live by the alien, die by the alien. Okay. Live by the book, die by the book.

I don't want, because I think if you give them that option, if you give them that get out, the anxious soul will derogh before you even get in the door. Maybe, but when I was the book, like, so during my time as the book, it was so liberating to be able to be like, pop it on, pop it off, look through it,

fly across the stage. Whenever anyone's, because also it was a, Clapham Grand, where they did a screening of Focus Pocus, and then there was like a costume procession that anyone who dressed up, and of the 700 people who were there, four had dressed up. What? Yeah, it was very disappointing.

I just said it was the book. Gina had dressed up as Billy, the old boyfriend. Oh, with his mouth sewn shut. She looked exactly like him. She'd, like, done the thing. She had incredible, like, bits of skin was, like, falling off her face. She died, like, her hair was all black and, like, amazing.

She had this incredible, outfit on and she was covering spider swebs. And then there was me as the book and I had a, I'd made a very good book across my face that would tie behind my head so I could wear it as if it was my head, open it, little hole cut out there, there's my face. And then I would ask people to say book and then I would run sideways at them as if the book was being called. You've not seen hocus pocus, this won't make any sense, but fine. Then the next one down was just like a woman in a witch's hat and that was it. So that was the sort of level that we were playing with. And that was the first time I've gone to something on quite a big scale and been like, okay, I have actually,

even though there was a costume party, I have misjudged it because no one else is dressed up. And I did quite like the concept of, like, if I was going to get a drink at the bar and I wasn't stood next to Gina who looked like a zombie, I could just whip the book off and not feel embarrassed. Okay. But of course, you're going and you're very happy to go full costume and that's great, but I'm saying it's quite nice to have something like what I would say, the book is hocus pocus is a great one, or one of the costumes that you can pop on and then pop off and you're wearing black underneath. Or which, but when without the hat, then you're like, okay, you just look like a kind of a fun

Halloween woman, you know? I think just layering, like with fashion, layering can help you. If you're, if you're anxious. If not, because heart, I'm just going, I'm easing it. These are good ideas. These are really good ideas. You've wonated. I have one-eighted, yeah.

That's a lovely option. And I thank you for bringing it to our attention. When I was about eight, went to the... I was just thinking about that I'd really misjudged. I've misjudged. I'm way too good. I'm in this costume that is... I'm eight.

It's the upper... I look like a headless woman, basically. Great. So I've got a full body up to here with a head jacket. The hands come down. The sleeves come down. And then I'm my own hands holding my own head. Oh, that's so good.

So I look like I'm holding... A headless woman holding my own head in the middle. And I'm wearing a big... grandma, that was a big skirt and whatnot. And then I go to this party in the village and I've wildly misjudged it. Well, you're eight, so I imagine your mum's wildly misjudged. Yeah, but I do remember thinking we both misjudged it. Everyone's much younger than me and everyone's like a Spider-Man and like there's like some

girls in a fairy dress. But you're eight, so it's hard to style out the whole talking point thing. Especially when you're holding your own head. I'm holding my own head. I can't eat or drink or do anything. And I also can't get it off. So I can't really play the games and everything. I can't run.

And I think, I don't remember it being particularly traumatic, but I do remember like sort of quite forlornly taking myself home. I think I want a prize. Yeah. You can't get involved. The thing is you can't get involved in the night if you can't eat or drink. Yeah. So I win the prize.

Obviously, I think people were almost quite embarrassed that like, you know, obviously she's won the prize. And second was just a fairy or whatever. And then I go home, stride out home, walking myself home. And then that evening, even though I've come home, and I've relayed the problems with the costume, then my mum goes out in it that night to the adult's Halloween party,

and then she comes home and I've totally mischarged as well. Because, of course, I was eight, so this thing on looked like an adult woman. Mum then looked like a giant, you know? It made no sense, because she's already tall. So it's like eight foot tall. She can't eat or drink either. And so people are like sort of feeding her stuff,

and then she said it was just, it was nobody wanted it. It was a hindrance. It was a hindrance. And it was exactly this of like there was no way to get it off. because when you take it off you're just wearing the skirt up to your up to your neck you know because you come dressed as a skirt yeah it's not quite same yes it's maybe it's one those things that if you're doing if you're going to a halloween party with um with all your pals then you can go that they're the best ones because you can go completely wild it doesn't

matter because if you get it wrong it's just funny okay that's the thing pals let's get ourselves into group costume work okay and since we're on hocus pocus let's bring out a classic if there's three of you the sanderson sister Do some of you look a bit like them? Even if not, that's an option. Yeah, option. In you go. Group work.

Number two, are you roughly the same height-ish? Can you be the twins from The Shining? That's always a classic. Classic and relatively achievable. And not the worst thing to be, if you're alone in it, you know? If there's two of you, this is pleasantly retro. And when I saw it last year, it was like, God, I haven't thought about those guys. in a long time. The 118 guys.

Wow. Yes. You can buy fun out and they're very easy to do. And two guys turned up as that last time and it was like, yeah, that's great. I'm really into it. That's so nice. Yeah. That's so nice.

Okay, bit more effort because if you're going in, I want all in. Oh, yeah, yeah. For this one, because the shining, I'm like put on a cardigan. Yeah, it's easy. Yeah. You're the shining. Yes. Little Mary Jane shoes.

Oh, oh. I'm just really into it Suddenly it's all coming together for me This one out of respect for the medium It's All or Nothing The Adams family Oh so good This is not enough to just be like

My hair's in pig tails and I'm Wednesday Bitch No No you live and die Live and die by this That's what I might go as this year Okay but I want you to believe Well you know I'll believe

Oh you know I'll believe Will you be solo? I don't know But if I'm not I'm going with two of the people So we probably go You've got to go hocus pocus. You've got to go hocus bogus.

That would be, because I'm the blonde one out for three of us. I'd have to be so much of a girl. Oh, I guess I'll have to be serenic. Oh, no, I do the sexy one. What a shame. It's shame for me. My dream is, my only reason for thinking about having children is to one day do, me, Mortisha, I don't need to describe, you understand what a family unit looks like.

Yeah, I've got a boy, a girl, and a baby, and the baby has got the baby grow on with the extra leg. The grey and black baby. grow. Yes, really nice. Yeah, and I think I'll get there and I'll be like, it wasn't worth it, actually. Now I'm a mother of three. There's a lot more to raising a child than this one night. Than working endlessly towards this exact moment. But that is a really good one. Large group, no one really, large group and you can't decide where you're at. Could I offer you, uh, orange is the new black? Okay. Okay. That's fun. And it's just basically, you've just got there,

if I may, an orange overalls. Orange overalls. And you could be any of them. Right. You don't have to be anyone specifically, you're just orange. You're just, you're in the GAL as well. Extras in oranges the new black. That's fun. Don't have any costume, but you do have, say, like, I don't know, like a white t-shirt. And to be honest, you could wear black jeans or whatever. A chopping board, some salt.

Your salt bay. Fantastic. You just keep throwing salt at things. Now, what's on that chopping board? I will, obviously, I'd say some meat. Right. But to be honest, you don't really need, you just have something to, like, throw out, some carrots, some food. How about?

And this is just me stopping you. you bringing a chopping board and a knife. Just throw salt to people. What if we just remove? Oh, it's just salt. Yeah, it's just salt. I think if you are visually similar looking. Yeah.

A tight white shirt and a hand like this. And around spectacles. Yeah. Around spectacles. People are queuing up to take your picture. 100%. That's really nice. There's also squat bay as well.

You know the meme where it's just the woman like this. She's scotting and looking at some way. You can go dress as that. But memes are great. So our friend Kyle went as the Leonardo DiCaprio meme, the one that I love, where he's like, oh, from Django Unchained. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. He's holding a little tiny, like, port and going, oh, it's just a fun one, isn't it? Also, you could even just have Leonardo DiCaprio meme parties and there'd be enough for, like, 100 people. So, like, a lot of fun. Having a theme is good, but also restrictive, but the meme theme is not restrictive.

That's, of course, if you're the host, and we're assuming here, it's simply a rival. You're just going. Revenge dress Princess Diana. Oh, yeah. Fit. Fit. Or even early divorce work, Princess Diana, which is very of now, the cycling shorts, the bare legs, the big socks, the trainers.

The Harvard sweater. And or the Virgin Flying sweater, which hard to visualize it. If I show you, you think, yes, yes, I've seen it. And people like, oh, it's revenge. You're Princess Diana. Yes. People are in. A Kardashian is always good.

please go on. Although, right, there is a line that you've got to remember. If you are, there'll be lots of news stories about it because there always is every year increasingly because people are creating ridiculous arguments and things like that. But look, if you're not black, don't go as that.

That's very simple. But like, if you're not black, turn back. Turn back. And pop back in the house and rethink that costume. Absolutely. If you are black, have a lovely time. On your way. Go as you wish.

goes you wish. I went when I was eight as well. I went as Princess Jasmine and you can imagine what that was. Just a lot of fake town on an eight year old and a long lovely black

haired wig that was like just long and glossy that I would wear just around town and it went down to my knees just best not. For example someone I know went to an Austin Powers themed party obviously a while ago as Foxy Cleopatra and she was a

White Woman and Foxc Ongo is Beyonce. So if you're popping an afro wig on, question it, is what I'm saying. But Austin Powers is a good one. What's really good is going as things that are like a bit too. So also, Kyle the year before went as the mask, which is so dated. But really fun. Oh, that is good. And so with a full green face.

And he'd done that himself. He didn't have a plastic face on it. No, he painted a full green face on and had a yellow suit. And so, yeah. one year I went as like a milk bottle because I had a big cardboard box and was like that looks a bit like a milk bottle as a milk carton.

A lost child. A lost girl, a missing girl on the child. Yes, it's good stuff. It is good. It is good. It is good. No, but I'm saying like, no, I'm saying it was good stuff. Oh, right.

But it was too big to get in the doors. So like, I had to take it off a lot. But it was fun to just sort of have, but like basically being, finding simple, simple things that are other things is always, you don't have to go and buy something on an house. No, you don't have to go to them over a resume. And I would say for so long,

when did we find those wedding dress. I arrive at three huge really 80s wedding dresses. I bought for five pounds from a car boot cell. Oh, I don't even know where they are now, but they had a real innings. Yeah, you got your mileage out of them. Because once you've got a big costume like that, oh, you can be... You just turn up in that, it doesn't matter. A bit of blood.

A bit of blood. Oh, look you go, you're a dead bride. Fantastic. You can be anything. And everyone's like, great outfit, you know? And it was so easy and so simple. And, you know, but obviously they are increasingly hard to come by for cheap. In the couple's costume section.

Oh, yes. Bob Ross and a painting. Oh, that's so good. Oh, yeah, okay. Bit of fun there, a bit of fun there. Really fun. If there's three of you, rock, paper and scissors. Okay, that's fun fun.

Could be. Could be. The Nightmare Before Christmas is on this list, which I'm going to coast pass because I once did that. It's hard to. I dyed my hair bright red. Did you? Yeah.

To be Sally? Yeah. Oh, good. gosh, I always wanted to be Sally. It was fresh as week. A bit of fun as well. If you buy those, so there's really great, what they called those long inflatable garage,

inflatable things that wobble over the place outside of a garage. Skydancer. They're not called Skydancers. They're called Skydancers. A garage sky dancer, I would never be thinking of that. You can buy like multiple ones of those and just all turn up as like, garage sky dancers and just go,

woo! That's so nice. Now I'm saying the words out loud, I've lost confidence in it, but I think keep confident, but also, yeah. It sounds nice to say. Because if you're a bit nervous,

but you go with someone and your outfit is together, then it makes you feel a little bit less, you know. Oh yeah, and then it can be like, oh, we're part of this, we're part of this. Yeah, I'm the back end of the donkey. That's why.

I'm the thing. I'm the thing. We're a team. We're a team. But please, but please. Dress responsibly. Dress responsibly. No bananas. Oh yeah, I've got a banana outfit.

I just always feel so sad when I see them. Because people always like, ha ha, I'm a banana. And you're like, are you? Yeah, I bought it specifically because I was like, ha, I'll be a banana. And then I was like, I don't want to be a banana. It's just stayed in mind. Is it just, is it big or is it the thin one?

It's a huge, thick banana costume that's the size of me. It's not, I've not ever gone as that. Is that just classic fabric guy or is it got more to it? It's just classic fabric with a little hole cut in the hand. It's not good enough, Tessa. It's not. It's not. It's not.

And you know it. I know it. And that's why it's in the cupboard still. The banana knows it. I should know it. The brown sauce condiment. Eh. Oh.

Get in the cupboard. Get in the cupboard. Believe. Come as a cupboard. That's good. Fantastic. I want to make friends with the cupboard. Donnia.

Someone came as... Oh my God. Come as the cupboard. That's so fun. Or the cup as a shower and have a little shower coming out of your head. They force it. And then have a little thing around in a shower curtain. And then you can just close the curtain if you don't want to talk to people.

Gorgeous. Yeah. That's so nice. You can be the thing from psycho. You know. The Matrix. It would have been funny.

I needed to have picked something more light because the Matrix could easily think. No, I know it's not. Lark rice to Candleford. Yeah. That's a good joke. That's good stuff. This is just a list of...

We've basically just listed things at you, but we hope we've inspired if none of these ideas were good, perhaps they open some doors to the good ideas. Come with a door. I can't help myself. I can't help myself. get in there's so many things you can be off. Imagine if someone went as me and you.

Oh, please don't. It'll just be two women. Two women. And then people will be like, who are you? And they'll be like, there's a podcast. By the end of the night, you'll be so weary of that idea. Yeah, go to something, always go with something obvious. Because then you'd have to explain it the whole night. That is the worst, yeah. So go as Ed Gamble and James Acaster, if you're going to go as anything. Yeah, guys, go as it. Go us then, for God's sake. Everyone will know what that is. Yes, I once met a very tedious young woman. who had come as, well, she was in a giant bin bag filled with newspaper

that make it very, it was very circular. And obviously a lot of work had gone into making it a very particular texture that I couldn't really get a handle on. Black arms and legs, you know, in her tights. And then she had this tiny little thing like that with miniature shot glasses and jars and bottles and things and stuff on this. And she kept being like, ah, and then she would pick up this, this. And then be like, ah!

And I'm like, please. Something ass. Something like, ah, what is this? And she was like, well, this is going up. And I was like, right? Up glass. Up glass. Yeah.

Big round up glass. What are you? But she turned out to be raising the bar. So she came as a saying? Yeah. Oh, no. Right? Oh, no.

That's only acceptable when it's, for example, Eurovision song contest party or Tube Station party, which is always a fun costume thing. Oh, listen. If the theme has been set at saying, gorgeous. Get in that raising costume. I want to see the more tedious and fucking weird the better. But if that's not the theme, oh, what are you doing?

It's just going to be explaining the pun. May I say a really great pun, the one that my mum did. We had a little Eurovision party. It was just my dad, my dad didn't dress up. So it was just my mum dressing up and me. And she came and she had a little train on her head, a train and a flag. And she just kept pointing and going, oh, oh. And it took ages.

Hang on, can I hear it again? A train, like a little toy train on her head. Okay, and there's a flag. And then she was sort of waving flags about, yeah. But is that part of it? Well, it wasn't clear. I think she was this excited about your own vision. Okay.

And that's all the flags are. Can I make a guess? Yes. Is it a country? Yes. Is it Israel? Yes. Yes.

Because she israel. Israel. And it's just great. And it's the moment we get, oh, great. Those are great. Yeah, you're right. But when you just turn up and then you spend the whole time going, it's just going to be exhausting for you and everybody around you.

Great. Memes. Ponds, but everyone's a pawn. I think I might have a joke to lead us out. I think you might. It's my mother's joke. She told us once we were very young and it's a man goes to a costume party. It's Halloween. They go to a costume party. The theme is, couldn't tell you. Great.

He knocks on the door. He's totally naked. Okay. He's just got a... And at this point, this is when my mum loses confidence in the joke. Okay, yeah. It's a large family gathering. And you can tell that she's questioning where she's going now. She's completely naked and he's got just a pair over his Willie.

Okay. And he is in despair. And then... That's so bad. I know. In despair. In despair. And then everyone's like, all right, come in then.

Why is it have to be your Willie? Why is it in your Willie? You could be in your head. Could have been in the pair. Maybe his hand is in the pair. Anyway, again, this is all happening in real time for my mum and she works through this joke. The next thing that happens is about hour later another guy shows up at the party. And he's totally naked again.

Okay, so then she tells it, he's totally naked again, but he's got a thing of custard, a bottle of jar of custard over his willy. Okay. And so. Oh, he's disgusting. Yeah, so then we all kept going. He's disgusted. So we, is exactly what we said.

said. So we went, he's in, disgusted. What do you mean? He's in disgust. Surely you should just be holding some custard. Yeah. Discussed. Perfect. Is what we were all saying. The Willie is so not. Yeah. So imagine this, but the whole table is shouting at my mind for like 15 minutes. As everyone keeps saying better ideas for how this joke could go. Just in disc, this custard. Yeah. What are you doing? And then eventually she went, oh, it was fucking disgusted. I'm fucking disgusted. And then she'd obviously been like, I mustn't swear, but then the whole evening had turned on her. That's so funny.

Then she left very soon afterwards. I'm fucking disgusted. You do need to put your penis in that. The penis has got to be in it. Yeah. I'm fucking disgusted. Indus pair did not need to be in it. Maybe we don't even need that.

It's actually better if it's not. Because they're like, oh, in this pair, great. So maybe the first guy shows up just with his hand in a pair. And the next one. The next one, he's fucking disgusted. That's fair. And we workshoped it for you, Debbie. It's good stuff.

It's good stuff. Good stuff. Well, I hope some of you go. I was fucking disgusted for this... Enjoy Halloween. See you on the other side of it. And... Woo.

Woo.