Nobody Panic - How to Do a Speech at a Wedding

Episode Date: June 27, 2023

Been asked to say a few words? You can do it champ! Stevie and Tessa work through their own experiences of watching and doing wedding speeches to work out the failsafe ways of wowing the room. First tip: you honestly don’t need to wow the room.Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded by Aniya Das and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true, Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Welcome to Nobody Panic And me, Tessa. Hello.

We're going to do how-toes. Oh, that's like a... No, no. I just did... My acting was too good. It was really good. I really thought you were like, what? Even that noise makes me go,

the anxiety of that. Oh, God. This is all... Yeah, please, you tell them. Tell them. You've just done that. It's your turn. I'm so sorry.

I just got too excited about having a glass in front of me. No. Tip one, how to do a speech at a wedding. Don't tap me glasses you're willing to do a speech. Absolutely. Don't just get over excited and tap. Yeah. And be like, I just wanted to do the tap part. Yeah. Tip number one. No, this one is all about, we're both too excited and we're sorry. Um, today's episode is about how to do a speech at a wedding because it is a wedding season. It is. Here it comes. Here it comes. And it's upon us. And perhaps you have been asked and you're dreading it. Oh, you're freaking out or you're thinking, I'm actually going to be really good at it.

That's too confident. Yeah. And we're going to say rain it back. Rain it back, champ. Pull it back in. So, have you ever done a speech at a wedding? I have not. I have done a reading, which I semi-improvised.

Yeah. And that sounds about right. I did a little bit of a speech that obviously was not allowed. Yes. But you've watched many. So you can... I've watched many. I've been to like weddings.

I've watched many. And then a very weird thing about me is... And who's to say what it'll be. But I, because I was thinking the other day, I was like, why have I seen so many? And I realized it's because I catered so many weddings as a teenager and into my, well into my 20s. And we would cater weddings. And then our break would be, the catering break would be during the speeches because you can't be making any noise in the kitchen or whatever. So that's when everyone would go outside and have their meal or smoke or whatever.

And I would weirdly go and like, hide and listen to the speeches. That's not weird. I think it is. If you're going to cater a wedding, then that's the nice, like the one bit, isn't it? That's the thing I think, even though they were just strangers. Like, I found this, I guess I really loved performing and I just loved people telling a story. And I just really like listening to the speeches, even though they were, I was never going to know these people again. I thought there was something really, like, special about them.

And I think it's why I feel. Well, I think it's, I've been a plus one when I first started seeing my partner, weirdly like suddenly everyone he knew got married. I was like a plus one to all of them. I'd never met any of these people. And I didn't know their partners or anybody. And the speeches are always just so, like, nice. There's only one speech I've ever heard where I've gone, like, that's not a good speech. And it's never, oh, it's because it's never what people who are giving speeches are scared of.

Like, it's never because they're not good speakers. It's never because they're not enough jokes. It's never because, like, they're nervous or they don't do it right, or they're quiet, or they misjudge it. The worst one is, obviously, the one that I heard, which was like, what happens on the stag, do, he stays in the stag, he actually said that.

And I was a plus one quite drunk. And also, the wedding was at New Year's Eve, which I sort of had my New Year's Eve co-opted by a wedding I didn't even know the person. And when he said that, I think I quite loudly said, like, sorry, you're saying you, you actually, you shagged somebody. He was like, what are you actually saying? You think the groom cheated on his wife?

Is that what you're saying? That what you're implying? Such a weird thing. There's just like laddie, like, when you, when it's like, that's not you. What are you doing? I think that's what I feel, I feel, sorry, to get straight into it. I think you should.

But like, I feel so strongly about the phrase, what goes on the stag do, stays on the stag do. Me too. Or, um, they're actually, I was thinking of some stories about John and they're actually too rude to say. Yeah, yeah. Um, because people are like, yeah, so they're sitting there being like, so, sorry, did he have intercourse with somebody else?

Like, is that what you are saying? But also, like, those stories that you're like, they're actually too funny and rude for the group. They're not, are they? They're definitely not. They're like, he got really drunk and threw up on himself. You're like, all right? Yeah.

I did that when I was 16. Yeah, it's like, that's not a funny story. No. And it's this implication and it immediately... It's a guy thing as well, you know. It's a very guy thing and it immediately puts this divide between you and the audience, the wedding party. And the bride and the bride's made. And the bride made that everybody, it puts this divide up that's like, you can't all be part of this, but only the lads get to know about it.

To which we're all like, but we're all like... but we're all the wedding party. Like this is, the point of this speech is to unify the whole room to understand these two people. And it's such a cop-out as well. And I think I have felt strongly about this since I went to a family member's wedding last summer. The family member it was, does listen, hello. But the best man will never ever hear this. But his speech was so quick.

He was in charge of thanking people who couldn't be there. And so he read out the letters of people abroad or whatever. And then he was like, if you want to, if you want to hear any of the stories, I'll be by the stairs. So buy me a drink. And I'll tell you, I'll tell you the stories. What that's the point of you doing a speech? And so we're like, shut up. What?

And then he was like, so I think they're all a bit, you know, too rude to say at a wedding to which everyone's like, huh? And also like, just quite a sweet couple that you're like, I don't believe that you have all these like crazy stories. I've never heard anyone say, you're not going to believe the story. And then never have I not. believe the story. Yeah. It's never been anything. It's always so lame.

You've got some good ones. But that's because, yeah. But I would never say, you can't hear them. You never believe the story. You just go, oh, this happened. And it's like the wildest thing I've ever heard. And then, and then, yeah. But like, it's a bit like people who, working in comedy, the amount of people

who will say like, oh, I bet you're going to, I bet you're putting all this into a script. I bet you're going to write all of this down here. And then, like, turn to you and be like, this is off the record. By the way, don't put this. I bet we'll see all this on the telly. You're like, you are the most boring people I've ever met. I'm like, time she fell over. I'm going to put that in my stand-up, I'm eye.

It's like, it's such a shit story. And the only people who ever say, whoever say that and be like, oh, careful, are you getting enough material here? You're like, ah, you, the people who I actually do talk about on stage or do get material from or do make characters about, it's never crossed their mind to think that they're interesting or that they're like, I mean, they think they're interesting, but never to be, They would never, ever, ever, ever say it. And the people, so it's such a catch-22.

It's playing a role, isn't it? My friend, when he was getting married, didn't want to stag do. And because he's just not really, his thing, he isn't drinking. He's not that into that sort of, like, thing. And we're sort of, like, forced into it by, because he's got, like, lots of brothers. And some of his brothers are quite, like, that traditional kind of thing. And he ended up not actually not actually not actually not actually not actually getting married. She ended up not having that stag do.

But it was a big point of contention. And then he went to the brother who would like force this stag do on him. And he said it was like just people like acting like a stag do in a quite bad sitcom. And I feel like, and with like Hindus as well, I feel like that too as well. But with the speeches, it kind of taps into that. And when you're the best man, there's this like or, and we're focusing on best man because that tends to be the traditional. The problem area. And the problem area.

where more and more we're getting like the bride's side get to do a speech or the bride, but there will always still be a best man speech or an equivalent. Like that feeling of like, well, now I've got to act like the best man. And I think that's what makes people say stuff like that. Like how people just say things. You know, the other day I just heard some... I had two people. They were like about to cross the road and the light...

It had gone like counted down and it stopped, but there weren't even very many cars coming. And he was like, well, let's just cross down. they went, yeah, it's risk it for a biscuit. And it was like, of crossing the road. And it's like, people just say things because it's like something to say. And it's like that with the best man's speech. And so if you find yourself, like, trying to just, I think what you're saying is, yeah, just don't.

Like, be yourself. Yeah. Be real and say something nice and interesting about the couple that you are. I think it's like, I think it is a feeling. Because we're two professional stand-ups who have done years of. performing and learn a lot of things and still we're like, oh no. I had to do a speech at my sister's wedding in January. Fucking shat myself.

It was horrifying trying to think of something to do. So it's a really, it's a really, really horrible thing to do. Very, very alien for 99% of people. And even for the people who it is part of their day job are still like, oh, Lord, no, thank you. And then I think what people do is they panic and they go for a response I'm calling a party grenade, which is when you feel like panicked at a party and you just think, I'll just say the rudest thing I can. Or I'll just say something like really outrageous and rude because you're in such a state of stress. You're like, I can't say anything funny. I'll say something rude. And I think

people will just therefore say this crazy thing or reveal some weird rude story or like do this like, if I can't get a laugh, I'll get a shock. Yes, I'll embarrass him. I'll embarrass him. That's what we're meant to be doing. And it's all this like, this is what we're meant to do. We haven't done an adult thing, Stevie. She was just like, let's just power throw. Power through. Come on. Don't think of yourself. Don't think of yourself. as oh I'm the maid of honour and I'm giving a maid of honour speech. I'm the best man giving a best man speech. Think of yourself as your name.

I'm giving a speech about my friend. And think about who it is like who it is that you're doing the speech about. Don't think about like, oh, I've got embarrassed him or like, oh, I've got to like, my aim is to make her cry. Like it's like, no, you want the people who are the plus ones at the wedding to go like, I feel like I sort of know her. She seems really fun. Or I feel like I know him.

That's your sole job is to be like that everybody, somebody's grandma, somebody's warranty, the plus ones, everybody are like, I really understand this couple. I know them. I know what's brought them together. I get it. I know them both as people now more. And I'm like, I witness the union. Yeah.

And I think like your, yeah, I went to a wedding recently where somebody who did not know, who knew the groom but not the bride on the dance floor was like, I love those speeches so much. And she said, I didn't know, her name's Joy, the bride, said, I didn't know Joy very well. And then I listened to those speeches. I was like, oh, I get it. She's just a little freak. And it was just like so, because she's so glamorous and so beautiful.

And then to hear these stories that were just like about like all her obsession with like Kerrang and like how she knows all the words of this like crazy rap song. And she like to know all these like little hobbies and bits and passions and like weird stuff that she does. You're like, oh, I get it. Like. Yeah, she's fun. She's fun. Yeah.

But also I wanted to say that so when I, because I just realized. it we were saying about like how what what you what you should aim for and it's like that is a great aim but i do really strongly feel like so for example he definitely doesn't listen to the podcast so it's fine my uh sisters husband's brother um wasn't going to do a speech at the wedding because he's he was the best man well i mean he had like a bunch of best men but like you know he's he's he's the older brother and like it was kind of and he wasn't going to do it because he really he's very shy and doesn't really like public speaking at all and there was like a like a lunch and there's maybe like 25 people at the lunch. I thought there's going to be like

10 people and it was like this is where we're doing speeches and like rigged up with microphones. I was like oh my God. It's actually quite intense. And then it turned out that Kat did a speech and his speech was really, really simple. It just thanked everybody. He said like thanks so much to us for because we came from England because their wedding was in Australia and thanked everyone said that they were a great couple, you know, loves Jordie, loves Jolie, loves Jee. you know, lovely to welcome into the family. And then that was it. But everybody knows that he so doesn't want to do that.

And he so doesn't like doing that. And also, like, Jordan said, like, you don't have to and it's fine. But he'd, like, really made the effort to do it. And he's, like, afterwards I saw that it was, because I don't know him very well, because he is very quiet, but, like, he'd written it down. And he'd written in, like, I don't know something really sweet about, like, he'd written on it, like, really, like, careful handwriting, all of the things that for someone like me, for example, who finds saying those things, fine, my problem is

like, everyone was expected to be like this great, funny, amazing things. I've got to really, like, push the boat out or, like, be really entertaining or, like, I didn't think about the basics, but, like, he's, like, written out of them all. And it's, I just suddenly saw how, like, how hard and scary that was and how much everybody appreciated him doing it, just as much if you had come out and, like, done a backflip and started rapping. Like, everyone would have probably thought he was deeply unwell if he started doing that. So that, to say that don't put undue pressure on yourself, if you're terrified, the person that it matters to will, that will appreciate the fact that you've, you've done it. You could be asked to be the best man or the maid of honour or whatever.

And then if the bridegroom says, can you do a speech, it's okay to be like, I can't. I can't do the speech. I love, I'm going to be here with you on the aisle. I want to do the rings. Like, please give me a job. But could somebody else? Or do it with like a friend. Or could we do it together? A few people do like group speeches, which is really fun. Or just like, be like, it's not for me. Yeah. Please can I just pass that job over to somebody else? And it's like, it's okay because what are your chances that your best friend is also

absolutely like a natural public speaker and also hilarious and is able to like some, you know, it's like that's a difficult job. And so give it to somebody who likes that job. Yeah. So like, so if it's fallen to you and you've already said, I don't want to do it and they've said, well, you have to. And no, okay, here we are. You're being forced into it.

You don't want to do it. So my first tip would be to be like, ask them how long it is you've been given as a time frame and actually record yourself, like have a few practices just in the living room and record it and be like, oh gosh, that was only two and a half minutes or, oh gosh, that was 25 minutes. Because it's hard to know like how long something lasts. And then even if this is your idea of hell, you have to practice it. You have to say it out loud to a real person. Because if you just keep doing it in front of the mirror, like firstly don't do it in front of the mirror.

But if you just keep walking around the park and saying it to yourself, the way you think it's going to go is going to be so different from that moment where you stand up. Your voice will sound different. Everything will sound different. Yeah, you're so right. And so if you can get like a friend around that you trust and get them to ting, ting, ting, ting the glass, get all that pressure up, make you stand up. Hold your champagne. Hold your notes. Don't actually practice with champagne. That feels like a waste in the kitchen. Or do, if that's your thing. You know, hold your notes. Try and make it as much how it's going to feel in the moment. as possible and then actually practice saying it, if not directly into their face, but just like to the room. Yeah. And to actually get yourself into that space so that the moment you stand up isn't this like, the void doesn't just open in front of you and you think, oh my God. And so lots of

practice, lots of actually timing yourself, lots of that, be like, okay, that some of those nerves have abated themselves a little bit. And so that's the context of it. And then I suppose the content of the speech is simply, you don't, it's so easy to be like, what's the funniest story about this person. It's like, we don't need the story to be funny. Like, if it comes from the heart, it will probably be quite humorous anyway. Yeah, or sweet or honest or everyone just wants a nice, honest moment. Yeah. They don't, like, all the platitudes and all the obvious things. Yeah, it's not important. Just tell a story that's like, that you feel, so first of all, start by saying who you are and tell us how you know the bride or the groom, you know, who you are, how you know them,

how long you've met, known them for. And that's probably already, got a humorous, not a humorous story, but like there's probably a story in there of like, we met on the first day at school. What do you remember about them? We were put together and I thought they were an idiot. They had a terrible haircut and my shoes were too big. And we, you know, so already everyone's like, I'm seeing it. I'm loving it.

And those aren't like jokes. Those are just like, there's shoes were too big. You know, like, that's just here how you first met. And then it would be like this and then tell any story that you feel like sums them up as a person. And if it's like, I think they're really loyal or kind or hardworking or an idiot. Like if their main thing is they just like love to have an adventure, you know, like, let's hear a story that really sums that up. And then number three is tell me the first, tell me, tell me, tell me when you first met the partner.

Yeah. And knew it was a good. And you knew it was good. Yeah. Or bad. But like, keep that under your hat. Like the first moment that you were. And even if, even if, even.

if there isn't a person, I'm like, some people will be like, oh, God, you can, you can, you can just, just acknowledge that you did. So just be like, yeah, like, I, I knew when I met, you know, you can just sort of say that, even if you don't have, like, an amazing, like, they both high-fived at the same time, and I knew that there was synergy, you know? There's just, like, there probably will be, unless you truly hate the person, the other person, like, there probably, there's been a few women like, that, there's like, a few people have had to do speeches of a couple's, but they're like, I think she's a dick, and you're like, Okay, well let's, let's, okay, let's pivot.

Okay, option. You hate them. Okay, right, yeah. Okay, listen, let's get in. Because it could be a thing where you're like, I'm standing up there and I actually don't believe in this profound union. Or I don't have anything to say because I know him or I know her, but I don't know him very well. That's something that happens.

But I think it's okay to be like, if you're there to represent, whichever party you're there to represent, you tell the, focus on them. You focus on them. It doesn't, and then you can just sort of say, you don't have to think that they are amazing. if you know that your friend does. Yeah. And so I think they've made them happy. You don't have to say like,

they're absolutely great and they're so funny and they cook a great spaghetti. Because they might not. And then that'd be a weird thing to say. What a crazy thing to say about the spaghetti? Why did they say that? But like, just talk about what they bring to your friend's life. And if it's nothing.

Just say, just say, it's wonderful to see how happy X makes Y. Yeah. It's wonderful to see how happy my friend is since me to be. this person. You don't have to go into specifics because the specifics are painful. Yeah. And I, yeah, unless you, yeah, to find that line about how you do feel about them, I've been, we actually both went to lovely Freya's wedding where her fantastic made of honour, her whole speech was basically like, I hate the groom, he's taking my friend away. I think he's a piece of shit.

And it was like, it was probably came, I mean, definitely came from a very real place of like when your friend is like, has picked somebody over you. But, and it felt like she probably did like the groom very much. But what was, it was talking to was this, like, huge, like, this, my friendship. You are the most important person in my life. And the fact that you're marrying someone else is very upsetting to me. And it was all like, it was very sweet. So like there is just, you don't have to, don't lie, just find your way gently through it. That doesn't make it obvious that you think they're awful. Yes. And saying it's clear they, he makes her very happy or she is, she makes him very happy. They make each other very happy. That's the sentence. You've got to put that sentence

in, I'm afraid, doesn't matter where you've got to say it. And if you can just like, just drag the barrel desperately for like, was there a moment where they were both laughing about something? Was there anything? Yeah. And if not, could you just say that happened? Because it probably was. Has there been anything that happened today where they look nice? You know, just like drag, drag, drag, desperately drag this. Also, this isn't an important thing. But can we maybe just like, if maybe, maybe if we say it, people will stop doing it. Just put a pin in the whole like, um, the bride looks so beautiful. How do you want to you're punching, mate? Can we just get rid of that? Yeah. I'm so bored of that. I was like, everyone always just says, we went to a wedding where the bride said, um, he was a friend of

us said like, and there's been no, suppose you've been noticed like, there's been no speech about the bride's just being, don't the bride's, don't, don't the bride's made it look beautiful tonight because they're more than that they are. And so then she, like, described all her friends and like, what qualities they bring into her life. That was really nice. The best man still loved one. And then all the bridesmen, it's like beautiful. Oh my God. Yeah.

Yeah. And we were all just like, we were all fucking drunk and wearing mustaches, I think, at this point. And we were just like, fuck! It was just, it was, I think that's a peak example of like, so the bride had gone first. The bride had said exactly what Steve is saying, like, you know, that you don't have to say, don't the bride's, yes, they do, but like, look at all the amazing qualities. Who cares? Like, you know. They've got all these amazing other qualities.

They're incredible people to me. And then it was so clear that the best man, God love it. had not listened for his own reasons was just like so freaking out about his own speech that on his own paper was Don't the Bridesma's Most are Love You Tonight And so like even though someone had just made this whole speech About exactly that phrase he was like

I can't I can't deviate I can't deviate and it's like you've got to be a little bit present A little bit You can deviate of course You're not first listen because there will be repetition as well And that's fine exactly so if you're like Fuck Sorry everyone

Like fuck the fucking father of the bride has done the great gag about the drill. That's my only gag. You can say, Keith's already talked about the drill. That's my only good bit. If you've got a piece of paper in your hand, can we crumple that at that point? That's gone, the drill bit.

Anyone else got any other stories? Everyone's going wild. We're loving it. So just like be present, be honest with us. If you at this point just do the drill story again, everyone's like, hey. Yeah. But you also can't, if you're not confident enough

to feel comfortable, to do like a whole bit about the drill thing. You can be like, and Keith's ruined this because of the drill thing, but I'm going to say it anyway, because it's on my paper. Just say it, just please just be honest with us.

Just be honest, be real, be present. And if you're worried, just keep it short. Short is better than a very long, mad, upsetting ramble that you look upset by. Yeah. And I think if you can stand up there and say,

hello, I'm, I'm Ken. I'm absolutely terrified. Yeah. Yes, yes. Poisson is not my forte. If everyone could just be really supportive, that would be fantastic. Ken, I'm taking my top off. I'm on my chair, Ken. You know, just tell us.

But if you're like getting up, if you're like, I've got to pretend to be a confident guy. Like, no, no, no, just tell us. No, it's fine. Just tell us. Everyone sat there thinking, God, I wouldn't like to do this. No. It's not, no one ever really enjoys ever doing the concept of doing a wedding meeting. No.

It's so frightening. And that crowd. Oh, God, they couldn't be more on your side. They're just want you to win. They're desperate with you for, you, oh, I'm back. There doesn't be to hire us a fire at a lot.

Right. Everyone in that room is, this is an open goal. Like, they are desperate, not to put the pressure on, but this goal's there for you, for you to miss.

But like, people are desperate of you to do well. So if you just tell them, I'm scared, we're rooting for you. If you ask for us, like, we're showing up. But if you come out,

um, dick swinging and you're like, uh, what happens on the side do, stays on the sag do, the room will just be like, fuck you, they will turn.

And also as well, have a, I think, just have a line that you're ending on. Obviously, it's a toast, but I have seen quite a few speeches, I mean, including my own, which was, I was like, oh yeah, I've got a, I don't know what to do now. So just was like, thank you, goodbye. Thank you. So, yeah, sorry. Always end with a, with a toast. Even just like, raise your glasses too, done.

Yeah, I think something from stand-up is, regardless of how the gig has gone, if you know you're coming to your last bit, it's nice to like, quick, don't glance your watch in the speech. Crazy. Sorry, that was just such an automatic thing to do. Right. So you're coming to your last bit and then just say, and this is the last thing I want to say. And finally. And finally.

And everyone goes, oh, great. It's going to an end. We know this is the end. So I'm saying, this is the last thing I want to tell you before we do the toast and I come to the end of my time and then the buffet, whatever. We know it's the end. So then when we get, whatever you're doing, oh, we're rousing. Yes. Everyone knows what is expected of them. It will be to raise the glass. Otherwise, it's like to Barbie and so and so. And then it's like, and then they have to be like, that's the end. And you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're clapping and scant doing this. We don't know what to do with ourselves. I've only helped with two best man speeches ever. One, to reference this. He just sent it me as an email. And it was very beautiful, done a lovely job. A couple of joke structures. I gave a few suggestions that they'd be misplaced. But my main thing was beautiful bit in the middle, very funny story, fantastic, lovely story about the couple, a lovely toast, and then

various dad's story about granddad not being there. And I was like, can't end on granddad's dead. And I was like, heads up, pal, let's pop granddad in the middle. Yes. Let's begin. Sandwich grandad in there. So if there is a sad thing that needs to be referenced, let's reference it. Let's give it it space, but let's pop that in the middle. So we're not cheering and then be like, oh, sorry, and granddad. And then you have to sit down after granddad's dead. Yeah. So sandwich granddad. the middle, let's just sink to the floor. Sink to the floor. Because otherwise anyone was just thinking about Grandad post.

It's like, of course we want to hold space with Granddad, but I've really been using the Freight to hold space and how do you feel about it? I think it's absolutely great. God bless you. My only other time I'd ever helped was at a destination wedding, clang, clang, clang, and I did not know the best man very well, but he word had got out that I was a performer and he'd said, well, he'd got out. Tessa, have you heard about Tessa?

She's a performer. Shh, Tessa. Oh, well, this is actually the tale about the karaoke when everyone was like, test the performer. And then I'd got up and absolutely shut the bed. Out of all of the performance, that's the only one that you don't. I mean, the performance of a karaoke, you excel, but your voice is the singing voice is the only thing that is adorably not.

It's a test on God. I do believe, had the gods given me a beautiful singing voice, I would be unbearable. I completely agree. Don't you think? It's one of your most endeavourable. own qualities. Because you, yeah, otherwise you'd be too confident. Imagine the confidence you'd imagine. Imagine this, but I can... We wouldn't be doing the

podcast. No way. I'd be on the West End. Well, okay, I was thinking more than you were in the first end. I would be on the West End. I'm sorry, but if it was a good popper voice. Yeah. A good proper voice. Anyway, here we are. Already you're unbearable even discussing the concept that you might have a good voice. I know. So imagine it. Imagine me having a good one. Anyway, well, here we are. And you can dance. Jesus. I can't. I can't. Oh, that's a joke. Oh, that's me. Fuck you.

You can dance. You've actually got an incredible... In terms of technically, I mean, then you'd be in... I can dance, but only with no music and no accompaniment, no other people. And no instruction that you have to follow. Absolutely not. Yeah, you can only freestyle. Yeah, you can move is what we're saying.

You're able to move. Enthusiasmistic mover. Anyway, so I've already shamed myself in the karaoke situation. I certainly haven't told anyone I'm a performer, but word has got out. Anyway, he comes to me in the day before and it's like, please would you? please can I show you the speech? What about these jokes? And I'm like, I wouldn't stress about the jokes,

but I understand they're important to you. And I was like, what we're going to do is you're going to come around tomorrow morning to my hotel room and we're going to perform it and we're going to have sex. And then maybe we'll discuss the speech. No, I was like, come around and just do it, you know, perform it and just do it. No, I was like, come around, we'll time it. And I want you to just say it all out loud.

because there were, and there were some things in there that he was like, I don't know how I feel about this joke. This is like so helpful because you're like, this is going to absolutely bang the roof off. And then when actually you tell it someone, they're like, what? What do you mean? What do you mean? It needs so much more context and somebody to have to really leave people down the garden path.

And then when they understand it all, they're like, oh, that is a great joke. You just need to do the setup properly. Otherwise, we're like, what? And anyway, then it did a great job. I offered the help I could. And then when he left, I was like, don't tell anyone you came to see me because I don't want, you know, this should be your, don't, don't say, I, Tesla helped.

And then he was like, okay, I won't. And then I was like, what should I do if anyone sees me on the way out? And I was like, tell him we had sex. And then he was like, okay. And I was like, no, no, that was a joke. That was a joke. But he was always like, scampering down the bar. I could see him being like, anyone seeing me leaving Tesla room or anything.

Oh, dear. Anyway, so I really felt, what was I put telling you about? Oh, I guess just jokes. Jokes. The structure is a joke. The structure of the joke. Please throw them in, but please practice them. Yeah.

Just get someone to just run it, put a second eye on that. And they don't have to be a comedy person. They just need to be like, okay, I get it. That's a gag. Yeah. And if there's in jokes that you and the groom, you and the bride have, it just won't land like you feel it will land. Because what will happen is the bride or groom will just be like,

yeah because they're having the biggest day of their life and they're feeling completely wild and probably aren't able to focus on your speech because they're so stressed about, I don't know, everything else and no one else will laugh, obviously. And the amount of times you see it where I'll be like, oh, and raisins, and then they like continue like, and everyone's like, oh, I suppose that was a joke.

But no one's going to actually laugh, and then you'll feel weird because you've just said, like, raisins to silence. And then be like, sorry, that's a private joke and the whole room are like, fuck you. So why have you brought it into here? Why have you brought that? Why?

Unless you say, Rosen and then go, that's because of this. It's not funny for anyone else, but, you know, but even that, just leave them out.

You're trying to bring as many people as possible. Bring them in. Bring us in. Let us know you. Let us know them. Let us know their love. If there is any love. Yeah.

If not, lie about the love. If there is, yeah, and lie about the love. That's fine. And yes, do your goddamn best.

Just, just please no more, no more party grenades. No more in jokes, no more stag do, no one. These stories are actually a bit rude. It was like, well, shut up then. Yeah. Shut up.

Please, for God's sake. Because the belligerent women are older and more belligerent and we will start shouting, well, shut up then, you know? I know. Oh, did you shag someone? Like, we will just start shouting. Yeah, I did. So if you want us to stop, you've got to stop doing it.

Yeah, if you don't want me to shout, did you shag someone and stop doing it? Yeah. Yeah, any more for any more? Or are we now ready to clear the tables away and have our first dance. Gasping with excitement. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's, I think there's all the things. Like, yeah, nice big breaths, have a little practice, no rude stuff. Just tell the story. Tell us, tell us three stories and raise your glass and then pop grounded in the middle. Pop them in the middle. Krenner's like still alive. Like, thanks, guys. But that you live deep

for granted. He's like, fuck you. So bold. My very last thing is if you've got a gag that you think is towing a line, I want to see five green lights before that's going in. Five at minimum. So don't just tell your friend, you know, cronky and see... Just a... He's a lad from the Stag do. Yeah, definitely. It reminds him that tweet, you know, that twink, where it's like, you could be saying anything.

You could be like, and this is how I survived on a desert island for a week. And then your friend will always say because you once misspelled the Grinch was the Grink there. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, a great tweet. It's one of the best tweets of all time. Cronky did that. Yeah, Cronky, um, Cronky sells DVDs out the back of his car. He does, in the 90s. Still does it. He's not making any money. Wow. Cronco. That's Cronco. Cronco. Cronco. Yeah.

Oh. So. So. Cronk. Oh. This is what I imagine men talk about. Get the wedding on side. People are loving Cronko. I think if you only check with Cronco whether you should reference like the bride's alopecia, you know.

Cronco is like, yeah, fucking, that's a good, that's a good gag, mate. Yeah, obviously Cronco is going to say that. I want five green lights. Check with the best friend of the bride. And I want you to be checking the person closest to the person it's about. And I want five. So if you're like, I check with Cronco, not enough. Don't let Cronco have the mic.

Yeah, Cronco. Cronco. Cronco. I do want him to come to the person. wedding. Me too. I wouldn't meet him. He's got his tie on his head. Always. And his shirts off. He's arrived there like that. Oh yeah. He's arrived at, yeah. 2 p.m. He's in. He's in. Yeah. Love him, but you can't do a speech. Great. Well, if you're doing a speech. I hope you're feeling ready. Hope you feeling ready. Best of luck. Best of luck out there.

That was such a good speech. Great speech. Oh yeah. Crongo. Crongo.