Nobody Panic - How to Do Your Tax Return: Live

Episode Date: January 23, 2024

One of the most chaotic episodes ever recorded in the history of Nobody Panic. Tessa wanted to do a live tax return, Stevie was too tired to say “I dunno maybe we should get an expert in?” and so the result is very very funny. Will you learn anything about tax? No. Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Hello, welcome to Nobody Panic. Tessa, would you like to explain what's just happened?

Yeah. I very confidently said I wanted to do my tax return live on the air. I really thought I could bring some help and clarity. I was too tired to stop. And she was too tired to stop me. We've now just finished it, and it's clear it was a mistake. I back this. I think it's one of the most entertaining episodes we've done.

but you will get no information. I cannot turn up. I just need you to know if you're in a state of panic because it tax turns to you next week and you think, oh God, they'll know, these girls will know. This is going to make it worse. No.

Get an accountant. Or listen to literally any of the podcast episode about it. And then once you've done it, have a little listen to make yourself feel better. Yes, yes, yes. We can be a little chaser after you're done. Yeah, you say we there. I very much.

Desperately trying to ask questions that would be helpful, constantly just revealing more and more of the abyss to do with Tess's tap returns. Stevie was just a voyeur to the experience. It was great, though. Have a nice time. Please enjoy, please don't take any legal or financial advice from the following podcast. No, but do enjoy the tax poem that we start with. Yeah, that was quite good.

That was the highlight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that is. You wrote that in 2021. Yeah, it's downhill from there. Okay. You're scared of this one? Me too. Today's episode is a tax return live.

Nobody panic. Nobody panic. We thought I'll do my tax return on air. Sure. And why not? Yes, I think that's good. And then before Tessa logged in and just to kind of be like, I'll get ahead of the game.

I'll get ahead of the game. And what did it say, Tessa? In big letters. I really quite like smuggly was like, yeah, yeah, see if I'll just pop in. the front page, it says you owe £109 and it is late. There we go. That's what I'm talking about. I'm like, okay, okay. This is after me saying, well, we can't really do my tax return because I have an accountant

who does it because I just, I want to make sure it's all, you know, correct. And I'm like, well, yeah, you can do yourself. You can, maintaining this again, you've got a fine. I've immediately got a fine. Listen, I cannot stress enough how I will not be bringing any expert advice here. Oh, good. Zero. Okay.

I'm simply going to switch off. Yeah, just listen to, we did a tax return episode. We did how to do tax with John Robbins for years ago. It's very interesting. Very good, very good episode. Listen to that. Unless you've really got not a lot on, in which case, enjoy. This one is coming out on 23rd of January,

which means you have seven days. That's well enough time. Well enough time. And so it's like, get it out now. Really, it was sort of this episode is done its job in that you looked at the title. And you're like, fuck, my tax return. Yeah. And in many ways, everything else after this is simply bonus.

I just want you to remember to do it. And if you're doing it for the first time yourself, or maybe you've got your, this is your first time having a job. And you're like, oh, my God, what's a tax return? It can feel very, very overwhelming. But I do believe it is something that is in your power. Also, it doesn't have to be. Stevie has an accountant.

I think that's an amazing idea. I want to be very clear. Like, everyone I know who is self-employed has an accountant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Apart from Tessa. Yeah. I know nobody. I think maybe we'll do this and we'll be like, you're not doing it right. I'm almost certain that that is the case.

That's what's going to be the case. I mean, because you've got a fine. So already we know. I find it, it's very scary in there and it's overwhelming. But there is something about sort of like if you give yourself enough time to do it, like a whole day or an afternoon. I'm going to go get our book. This is a chapter in it called How to Understand Tax.

How to Understand Tax. There's a poem in eight cantos. I don't think it is in eight cantoes. I don't think so either, but I don't think at this point in the book, anyone believes that they should focus on what we're saying. No, no, I agree. Okay, here we go. How to understand tax?

Our story starts in ancient Rome with Augustus on the throne, who said, hey chaps, hey lads, come here. I've had the most sublime idea. You know I love to start a war. I've got three on. I'll start one more. But here's the thing. I know, it's funny, but we're really wrong.

running out of money. So what if, to stop me going broke, we go and tax the common folk. Now, don't freak out, it won't be much, I'm not completely out of touch. So there's no fuss. It's my intent to cap the income tax at 1%. If you're wealthy, you pay more, you pay much less if you're poor. Fast forward several thousand years to you at your computer streaming tears. So stressed you think your heart might burst, it's midnight January 31st. In the UK, as you'll come to learn, This is the day to file and pay. I forgot that until just now. Oh my God.

This is the day to file and pay. Learning from your own epic poem about tax. In an episode I've insisted we do. This is the day to file and pay your tax return. And just to keep things really weird, the tax year has been engineered to start itself on April 6th and end again on April 5th.

What a baffling choice to make. surely there must be some mistake, but no, back long ago and far away, the 25th of March was New Year's Day. Lady Day started the financial year and marked the moment Gabriel appeared to tell young Mary, this is wild, but you're carrying God's unborn child. Lady Day starts the year anew and stayed that way till 1752, when England was forced to change its ways and swap calendars, losing 11 days. The Pope insisted on Gregorian and putting the Julian in the bin. But to make sure they still got their tax, the Treasury pushed the tax year back. And then a leap year blunder in the year 1800 meant adding on one more day, which brings us to April 6th we use today.

So what exactly do your taxes mean? Why, when you've got your pile of beans, do you have to give them back and pay your awful income tax? Well, museums, sports, financial aid, libraries, the police, the fire brigade, the parks, some schools and God bless, our very best thing, the NHS, all these things we get for free because we pay HMRC and always will. Don't vote Tory. If you're safely on a salary, your boss will pay your pay. Y.E. And means you don't need to do a tax return. So, if you're sitting there now being like, I've got to do this thing. You don't have to, baby, you did it. Someone took your tax already. Sorted. Job done. Enjoy your day.

And means you don't need to do a tax return. If you're on somebody's staff, they pay your tax on your behalf. Nice and simple, nothing, tricksy on April 5th, get your P60. This is a list of every pound you've made and proof of all the tax you've paid. When you leave your job in shame or dignified, you're handed a P45. This is what you've paid and some advice so your next job does not tax you twice. The bit that makes your brain explode is the Enigma team of Secret Code. The normal one is the letter L and everything else is tax code hell.

S means Scotland is where you did your sales. C means you did all your work in Wales. A new job might send your paychecks with W1M1 or the letter X emergency codes because you're new until your official tax code comes through. If you have a second job, codes can frustrate, but BR means the basic rate. And the D's, as a general rule of thumb, mean the higher rate on second income. If you think this is tricky and you're annoyed, now God forbid yourself employed. There are three tax brackets, as is traditional, basic, higher and additional. The more you make, the more you pay.

The more tax you have to give away. But here's something to help you sleep. About £12,000 is yours to keep. That's your personal allowance. You pay no tax. That's yours. You never give it back. This changes all the time.

So please, in court, don't use this rhyme. Can you imagine somebody in thought bringing our book as evidence of why they fucked up? Up to £12,000, you pay not a dime. then after that it starts to climb. 12 to 50, you're on the basic rate, you pay 20% on everything you make, then after 50, it's quite the jump. And now you're going to need to stump up 40%

that you now owe the state because you're on the higher rate. If you're making more than 150K, and that is a serious amount of money, then you need to be content to pay back 45%. That's changed now. Has it?

Yeah, it's all different now. Yeah, this changes all the time, so please in court don't use this rhyme. Yes! Written down, you can see why people always like to try to get around the tragedy of giving half their money to her majesty. These are your precious hard-earned beans. And now you have to give them to the queen. Oh, the king.

Fuck, this changes all the time. So please in court don't use this rhyme. God bless her, she was alive when we wrote this. Gosh, she was. Paying taxes is no fun, but stay organized and get it done. If you try to lie, then we ought to tell you that you will get caught. tax avoidance is a legal way of finding cracks to minimize your income tax and if you're of a more criminal persuasion that one's known as tax evasion

Martha Stewart was a famous tax evader although also a commercial inside trader so was Chuck Berry, Judy Garland and Al Capone so if you go to jail you're not alone what a way to end I wonder why it felt so important to me to name some famous tax evaders it's such a good poem we've learned all we need to that's it I think. So the nice thing about all those codes and all that shit is like not if you're thinking, I haven't got my tax code. You don't need one. If you're self-employed, no tax codes for you. That's only if you are employed by a proper job. Right. Okay. Here we go. Now, Steve, you've never been on this website. Is that right? I have. When I first basically freelance, like for the first time,

I registered self-employed and then did my tax return, but it was like 50 pounds. Yeah. And then it was like, you don't need to do that. But I was like, okay, okay. And then the, it's nice to do. It's nice to do. And then I did it for one year when I went bully, self-employed in 2015. And then I immediately got accountant because I was like, I'm never ever doing that again. What was the main thing that you found? I think the thing that gets most people, which is that, like, I'm not an expert in this.

So I don't want to be inadvertent. I think it was because I found out I was making, I'd made a mistake. And I was like, I'm, I've probably made a million of these. Like, I actually don't know. And if I'm audited and I go, okay, cool, show me your stuff. I'd be like, I don't know. I want someone else to do it and I go, here's, I mean, she's like, she charged like 150 pounds so your entire tax return for the whole year.

It's like, yeah, great, obviously, please. I think I, 100% and I really cannot recommend getting account enough. So I actually have two accounts. One is my business account. Spring tide productions. It's not important. You don't need to know why. Do you care?

No. I do. There are two types of tides in the sea. Oh, obviously I thought you were going to explain to me why you have a business account. not two different, not why it's called springtide. Yeah, explain that. But then can you tell me about why you're a business in this how to do tax episode? Because I think it's something to do with tax, isn't it?

Okay. Okay, so there are two types of tides, spring tides and neap tides. Why are we talking about this? Anyway, then I was like, I'll call it springtime because that's fun because it's light the moon but not. I have a business account, Springtime Productions, and I also have my personal tax return, Tessa Coates Enterprises, which I've always done just myself. And then when I started making more money and being, and I was like, being like, I don't know what I'm doing here. Then I was like, I need a business account, I need a proper accountant. And so I have somebody to do that.

And they do an amazing job. But then they leave me to do my personal one. Question immediately. If I, so I buy was like, okay, so if I have a business account, all my work will go through that. And then I'll just pay myself out of my business account, you know, into my personal account. But you do your tax return from your personal account. So do you also work and make money and that goes into your personal account as well? So I just separate my two strands of business.

Right. Your two strands of business famously. In a way, in a way, you're neep time. I put my writing work through the business account and my stand-up. And I put the podcast through neap tides. Right. So I continue to consider those to be two separate strains of income. And I make everything in the podcast, goes into my personal.

It could easily go through the business account, but I keep the two of them separate. Great question, Stevie. Why? Another great tip coming up, I'm sure. I fancied it. Genuinely, yes. If you fancy it, great. Okay, right. Because I can't offer a counterpoint because I don't know anything to do with this stuff.

So I just fully trust that you're completely on it so that all of our listeners aren't going, okay, right, and how we're spelling neat, tied? I think all I sort of want you to come away with is a sense of empowerment that if Neeptires is doing her own accounts. Yes. Maybe you can give it a go. Yes. But also once you start like becoming a proper business or doing better stuff like you do need help,

like go and get help. But if it's a basic rate, which is underneath 50,000 pounds, I would say once you hit over 50, go get help. Like come on, come on. You've made 50,000 pounds. go get help. But if you do have a person thing that you're just starting work or you do a separate thing that's separate to your business or whatever or, you know, lots of people start doing X, Y, Z and need to do a personal tax return. Excellent. Right. So first thing, here we go. We're going to Google

file your tax return. Okay, go. Gov.uk.orgin file tax return. Okay, here we go. Huge tip, I remember. Huge tip. Ready. Huge tip. Is don't do the thing that I did where I'd be like, um... Okay, cool. I'll give myself a couple of days. It's January. probably now when you're listening. And now I will log in. And then it says, what's your, and the username is like a pin.

And you go, Stevie Martin. No, it's your 78 digits. Right, okay. Oh, it's okay. Or you've got that, but you've forgotten your password. If you've got either one of those,

okay, it's fine. I'll just get in touch. It says, forgot? You can sort it out. And they go, yes, we will send it to you in seven days. Yeah.

And you're like, why? This is a big, This is a big part of why I was like, 23rd of January, let's get this episode out. I hope they stay with us till this point. I can't believe anyone has. Yeah. If you are, wow. If you are, you need to be longing in now.

Yeah, I think if you are, immediately go and listen to a proper episode on tax. We're logging in now where it says sign in using government gateway. And it says, there's a little box you to put in your government gateway user ID. And then it says brackets, this could be up to 12 characters. Up to. Could be one. Well, how many is it? A.

This could be up to 12 characters Are you mad? Right, so something I have been doing since 2015 I have an email called Tax Return Which I've emailed to myself So all I have to do every year is Search in My Bar Tax Return And what comes up is all my tax return details

In one... That's so great. Is that safe? Is it safe? It feels like number one online It's like, don't put all of your... Yeah, well, it's not... So they don't have to be there, but they could be in a...

somewhere else, written down somewhere. Just somewhere, put them somewhere for heaven's sake. If you're stressed, you could easily separate out the numbers or whatever in such a way as to... Or put them somewhere else or get an accountant... You know? You're like, you have an expert in security. Yeah, right, okay.

So then in this thing, also it says I've got my reference number, then I've got a user ID, and then I've got a unique taxpayer's reference. Three totally separate numbers. already my nose is bleeding but I'm staying You need all of them just to kind of log in and do anything

Right so then I in I go sign in I was happening live Okay so this is this is as far as we got last time and it discovers it says you owe £109 and 1pm and it is late Okay right Pay your tax return view your personal tax Right to avoid penalties you need to complete

and file this by 1159pm On the 31st of January 2024 and it is is for the year 2022 to 23 from April 5th to April 6th and this is a bit where you're like your nose gets all bleeding

because you sort of want to be like in America when's the tax year? The year that's just gone. The year that's just gone. When do you file it? January 1st. You're like, oh, well that's simple.

The year's just finished. New Year's not even that fun though, is it? That's boring. Oh, God. Oh, God. As you're sort of hurtling towards the year. Yeah, no, not ideal. But there's an element of this

of being like, sorry, and it's April, but it's, April last year. Yeah, I can't. Like, it's so hard to get your head around. And by this point, it's 2024 and you're dealing with April 2022. I can't remember what I was doing then. It's all just like, oh dear. Okay, right, complete and file. Here we go. You've done it. That's... So what happens when you go into this? Like, as in, you've clicked in, what does it, what is it asking you for?

So, number one page, tell us about you. Just like a chat. Just a quick chat. puzzle chat. Yeah, because doesn't it one of the scary things, it's like, all, that's the bit, it all feels fine,

you're putting in your name, you're putting in your address. Yeah, national insurance number, all the bits. That's always a little bit of a, oh, what is it? JS something, don't know what it is.

Yeah. But like, you know, you're getting on that stuff, you've got it all together, you kind of be like fine. And then they have, they probably still do it where it's just like income

income and it's just like, you just put in the amount that you earn, and then it would be like, expenses, and you just have to put that number And that's the bit we're like, God, it looks so easy, but like, how? How? And what if it's not right?

And what if it's not right? Okay, so the first one, number one, tell us about you. Weirdly, my first name, I've, I'm inexplicably put down as TJ. I guess that's the guy finding neat besides tax return. What's he been there? Joanne, so it is correct, but I don't know why that, so I'm just changing that now. Okay, that's very important. Yeah, and then we go national insurance, it's telephone, email, let's get all the gear in here. Very concerned. Number one, it's so early up for this question.

is literally day of birth. Is your spouse registered blind? That's like number one question. It's like that's so high up. Yeah. Okay, so then they want to know about your student loan repayment. So this is all just like tick, tick, tick. But that's scary, but already we're getting into the issue.

Because like, for example, I don't know if I'm how much of my student and I've repaid. How much, like it's often not clear. And then you kind of go, oh, okay, well, I'll have to find that out. What do I do? Call the university. Like, you're like, I don't know how to know. Yeah.

I don't know how to know. I know 100%. And this is why I'm like, as long as you have got a whole day where you've just sat down with your water and your small snacks and your banking app or however you do your banking and your computer. And it's plugged in and you're like, okay, we've got a whole day. Like this, every time you hit a question, underneath every question is this like bit of blue,

a bit of blue, that says like, help. Right. And you're like, yes, please. Can you click on the student loan repayments one? Yep.

And tell me how I can find that out. So they don't, they don't know. No, no, no. It's just, they just want to know. Their question is simply,

do you have a student loan which repayments began before the 6th of April, 2023? Oh, fine. You'd know that, wouldn't you? You either did or did not go

before the 6th of April, 2023. And you're like, okay, yes. when I was doing my own tax return, I would, whenever I got paid, I would just, I had like months across the top. And then like, whenever I got paid, I just put the number in that as I got paid rather than like taking tax off or anything. It was just like, that's the number I got paid in my account. And then so then at least I would have some idea of what the number was to type in.

Yes, absolutely. And then exactly as Steve you saying, there's just a box that's like, so I say like, were you an employee in this year? No, I was not an employee. I'm doing an entirely self-returned. Were you in a partnership? In many ways, I am. But no, but for tax reasons, no. Completely, yeah.

Absolutely not. Did I receive any income from my land? Oh, that's always a hard one. Always a hard one. Look at you, Indo. Do you have any land? Is there any land there? Go back, say no.

If there is land, is somebody paying you for the land? Ask about it. I don't. Go ask around the town. Have I got any from my foreign income? Ooh, for my foreign land. You will know. And this is why, if you are somebody who is having, with the

land, the foreign income, business. This is why you're like, now you need an accountant. Yes. But if it's simply, I have this project that I do myself and I don't have any land and I don't have any things, you are pretty much like pretty safe to just be ticking these boxes being like, no, no, do you have any chargeable assets or capital gains? You're like, no, because you don't know what capital gains are. Like, it just means like, do you own land or like a racehorse?

You're like, no. People listening, but that's not what capital gains is. Either way, I know I don't have any. I ain't got no capital gains, baby. I do have assets, though, because you've got a flat. It's not a, nothing is coming, no money is generated by it. So it's not just things I own. It needs, it needs to be like, it makes money.

Oh, do I ever know. Oh, did I give to charity? No. Now the thing is, you might well have done giving to charity and you're like, yeah, I gave quite a bit to charity. Two pounds a month to help the aged. It's up to you at this point whether you want, if it's like sensible on your gift aid thing to make sure that if you've ticked in a in a box, if you went into a shop and take like, yes, gift aid, and then I'm happy for them to receive a tax benefit from the government, which you should do because the charity get more

money, which is excellent. You want to then make an estimate of how much you might have donated to charity if you have done here just to say that so it like matches up with your gift aid. It doesn't need to match up inside, like it just needs to, they're making an assumption that you have made a hundred pounds, maybe this year. So you don't need to be like, oh my God, what was it? Like, you just need to be like, yes. I've made perhaps £100 and you're like, okay, great. Was your spouse born before the 6th of April 1935? What happened on the 6th of April 1935?

What happened on April 6, 19335? Not even joking. The only historical event listed on On This Day.com for the 6th of April 1939 355, A.Lovett sinks 499 basketball free throws. That can't be it. Something changed. Something changed on that day. It must be a tax change because that's the sixth of April, which we know is the tax year.

And then it must be some kind of tax change in 1935. Go on. So keep going. You saved and continued. I saved and continued. Taking your time, reading each question. Some of them won't be obvious. Some of them you'll have to tip the...

What? Saying this after it. Every time you've tried to press next, you've missed a question. I'm not going to... I don't think I'm actually just going to do it. I don't think I'm going to press at the end of this episode. Right. Cool.

I might. I don't. That's the thing. It feels... so nosebleedy. When you actually read it, you're like, no, my partner wasn't born then. If I'm honest, it's this bit, again, it's like with a theory test episode, this bit isn't nosebleedy for me. It's the bit where it says, and how much did you earn and how much is that expenses? And you go, well, okay, even if I've been a very good lady and I've put down all my

income, so I know what it is, and I put that number in and then how much it depends is, he's like, I don't know, because you speak to somebody and you'll, they'll be like, oh, I'm just expensing this drink that we're having because we're both comedians. And then when John Robbins came on and he was like, that's not an expense. No. It's really helpful. So you also have to know those things. And there's also like percentage, there are specific percentages that if you don't know,

you can just take off. So you go like, I don't know, my accountant has like, there's a percentage of clothing that is expensive, expensive. Yeah. And whether or not I've gone over there or onto that, it's like that's, or like, that's, or like, rent or my laptop or like just like various, like electricity because of how much I work from home. There's just certain things that are so clever that they take off that you would never know.

So it's those two very simple boxes that I think. So it's like the prep beforehand is so much more important than this process. Because going, I'm Tessa and this is my address. Of course. Is my spouse blind? It's like, is the easy bit, I'd argue. Absolutely. Okay.

So now their questions are, one, are you involved in any kind of tax avoidance schemes? Oh, is it? No. And then do you have an annual turnover of £85,000 or more? Why do we know about the £85,000 marker? Because of that. Because of that. So VAT, you can opt in to pay that.

God bless you at any point. That sounds really stupid. What is VAT? You can opt in at any point, but you have to pay it after £85,000. So that's why they're asking if you should. And again, I cannot stress enough that if you're doing your own personal tax return and you're listening at this point, you're like, oh, I've made... Please get help.

Yes, get help. This is for the guys, they're small. This is small guys. Yeah, the tiny, tiny men. Let me just get through this. I want to get to the next page. Am I a farmer? No.

It's good that we're talking people through this. Yeah. Well, you just have to get to the next page. You've got to say, if you're a farmer, you've got to say no. Unless, crucially, you are a farmer. And then you say yes, just so you know. Finally, finally, we're on the page or we can actually put in some information. Business name.

Testco's Emporizes description of business. Cool guy. Soul trader. No, what does it do? Oh, okay. And it'll be podcast, professional podcaster. Wow, professional podcast. Yeah. Professional writer. They check that and it's this. Yeah. You go like error. I don't understand. I get ordered it for this. Imagine this is what brings me down. Oh, God. Can I ask a question? Yep. So obviously this is the bit, the hard bit. What have you done over the year to help you to type in that number of how much you've earned via the podcast and what your expenses are? What do you think?

But I presume because you're doing this episode that there's like you've got a tip or a thing. No, no, absolutely not. I've done absolutely nothing. Right. Would you recommend that? I, again, if you choose to do what I do, which is one big day, it would take me more than one day. Right. So now I'm here and they're like, what's your turnover?

And you're like, right. Yeah, get great questions. This is where my big day comes. Here's my big day, big day. So now we... Get through all your invoices. Get my invoices. I get my own invoices.

What I would do is if you're all coming into one business account, well, one bank account, which it is. I go in there, set to 12 months. I do just money in. Oh, very nice. And now I'm just looking through money in. And I'm cross-referencing that with all my invoices. People, anytime something has come from my agent or from wherever and it says you've had this, I'm like, yeah, that's what's come in, correct, tick, tick, tick.

And I put that all in it. I don't like an Excel spreadsheet because I can't use it. into a word document it goes. And I just write like January, this is all the money that came in. Right. And I do full money in. So you put that number in. You then say, and then you're like, okay, there's bloody hell.

There's my number. And then it's like, okay, and now you owe this much tax on that big number. And you're like, oh. And then it's like, ah, but expenses. Right. Yes, I see. So it calculates the tax and then you have to put your expenses in. Okay.

Expenses. Do you want to do one number or do you want to do a detailed breakdown? And this is where I consider the thing to be like, okay, not as completely knows bleeding as it could be because there is a detailed breakdown option so you can it can does literally say like vehicle like have you got a vehicle did how often did you use it for work like did you use petrol it's like your house like how often did you work from home so it's like it has it all there for you but how specific is it because if it's like it has for like the amount of hours you worked from home each week or something like you lose you'd be like well most of it I believe that like it's making a it isn't making a assumption that like people haven't made a to the minute yes it's

Mathematical. It's making, and it does say that several times. Right. It expects you to be estimating these numbers within your most reasonable guessing. And in making the basic assumption that people are like generally honest, good people who are trying their best here. And that it also knows that you can't be like, I spent 17 and a half minutes on Tuesday in the home. But during that time, I took a wait. And that was for me. So I can't have the bathroom light on. You know, like, it's just suggesting that you make this, you can't. of 20% of your, how much your rent was or your electricity bill, like, it assumes you work from home that amount.

Guess who got logged out again. And this is actually a nightmare. Get an accountant. You should all have one. It's now basically half an hour of you slowly realizing you don't want to do your tax return and you should get an accountant. That's the main take home. Yeah, I agree.

I think. Okay. So then you've got this huge long page that is like cost of good. bought for resale or goods used and you're like, okay. But then it's like, there's like a wave of panic and then be like, okay, sit with it. Good sport for what? So if your business was somebody who sold things at market. Oh, God, that section is just for people who sold things at market.

No, it assumes it's going to offer you the entire list of everything. So if you're a farmer, if you're a writer, if you're a plumber, if you're a market trader, if whatever it is that you do as a business. but so say that, for example, hammers. Oh, yeah, yeah. Still haven't sold them. No. Running at a loss.

But so be like, yeah, I did buy a number of hammers that were specifically for resale. Yeah, for nobody who's putting merch? When you're audited, they're going to go, well, where's the merch? Where's the merch? Give us the hammers. Give us the hammers. And you'll go, there was 20 people hammer. They're going to take the hammers, Stevie.

They can take your hammers. Right. So then I put in, yeah, I spent 11 pounds on a job lot of antique hammers. Because I'm a professional podcast Because I'm a professional Okay Right, so next number two 11 pounds on hammers

Car Okay so now you're travel expenses So you can put your car in after your private use Your line bike Your line bike's 100%. I don't even need to do private use proportion Because I'm coming It's just my journeys to and from work

And again it's a bit tedious you've got to be going back through your thing, or if you only ever do limes for work, whatever, then you're like, okay, great, every time I see a lime, I'm adding all these numbers, here's all my things. And you put them all into your spreadsheet

and you're like, oh my God, I spent an enormous amount of money on. On limes. Or you're like, okay, I have a car. And I do have my car for work, but it's also my personal car and I drive myself to my personal places. I'm going to my personal places tomorrow, yeah.

And then you can watch a short YouTube clip on working out your motoring expenses. Okay, that's, That'll be fun. Yes, please I'd have to. Clicking through. That's why, because of the last tax episode we did, I don't have a business account,

but I have like two bank accounts and two debit cards with the same bank. And like one is only, so when I came here, I used that card to tap in and out. And then if I'm going to somewhere else and there's nothing to do with that, I use my other cards.

So then when I go through, I can just go like, I don't have to weed stuff out. I just go like, all of my outgoings is, I mean, we learned it on this podcast. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, just so you know. Yeah. Does it not muddy it slightly that you've got your personal outgoings alongside your business outgoings in one account? So, yes. Okay, so this is the bit, I just personally find this expenses page just so helpful. Yes. But you're on your own of being like, okay, wages, salary, other stuff, be like, okay, great, I don't have any salary. It brings down for you, it tells you the process that you should be doing anyway.

Because that just that number of like, what are your expenses? Like, Jesus Christ, I don't fucking know. But if somebody is like, okay, repairs and maintenance on a property, you're like, huh, okay, huh. Did I? Did I? Like, okay, did I need to repair things? And you're like, oh, right, okay, that's an expense. And if you rent, you didn't because it's, that's the landlord.

But you'll know if you, yeah, absolutely. And I've never clicked on that because I thought, age ago when I was doing it, I was like, number or detailed breakdown. I thought they wanted a detailed breakdown of my expense that I would provide. So I never even clicked on it because I was like, no, I'll just do this. number because I'll be wrong. And then if it's a number, then they can't really tell which bits came from which. If it's a little bit off, they'll probably be like, oh, it's fine. Is it a detailed?

That's too detailed. Yes, exactly. But actually, and I thought 100% the same thing of being like, I don't know what is and isn't right to put in this thing. A thing that is like deeply, deeply overwhelming does attempt to hold your hand through this and be like, here's this little YouTube clip with lots of bright colors. Like, here it is. Every time you think, oh my God, what does that mean?

There's like a little guide by your side. And so it just is that as an option if you can't afford an accountant or if you've just got to the last minute and no one will take you at the last, you know, and all of this stuff, even though you think, I can't possibly do this, I'm just going to get. It's like you really can. Okay. You really.

Yeah. You don't know if you should. But you. Best not. Best not. But maybe it's worth it just once. Yeah. To be like, I'm never doing that again.

But at least it is there. And then exactly the thing of being like, don't fear the detailed breakdown section. that's where it's all going to I mean that was yeah I suppose that episode that you don't that's just that breakdown tip is probably enough really

in many ways yeah yeah many ways if you look at your net profit you take away your 12,800 pounds which is what your personal allowance is so if I put 20,000 pounds here I can in my net profit

then I remove my 12 oh I'm looking at eight so this is even before I go into the expenses section just be like look at the thing and now I'm no I am on the basic rate which means 20% And so I work out what 20% of eight is, write that at the top of the page for yourself on a little notebook.

And you're like, okay, that's roughly what I think I'm heading towards. And then you do your expensive ending. And then if you look at a number that's like astronomically different to what you think that thing is, it's like something's gone awry here. But the nice thing is it will press, you do calculate tax. Oh, so does it for you? It does it all for you. It says it right there.

You don't have to do that bit because obviously you're like, oh my God, I've got it wrong. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to do it wrong. So of course you didn't. You look at the number. It's like, that doesn't look completely. that looks, that's hundreds of, that's more than I made. How can it be that? It's like, okay,

where have I gone awry? You can keep going back through it and that you can always go back. It calculates it for you on the screen. It has all the things and you're like, okay, okay. And then if you're like, this, this looks correct. I feel ready. And it goes. It's going to do, and just the last thing is it's going to do an insane thing in which it's going to make you pay your tax for next year. Yeah. Which is absolutely crackers. It's like, it hasn't even begun. Yeah, that's the one that gets me all the time. Why would you make this happen? It's good guesses, doesn't it? It just guesses your tax.

And if it's too much, then you get a rebate, and that's good. Yeah, here's the number you owe, but you've already paid a bit from last year. And you're like, oh, well, then it's nowhere near as much. And it's like, but you're going to next year. And you're like, well, this is, we've achieved nothing. Yeah. What was the point of death? What was the point of this?

Yeah. Why did we do this? And then you think it's for the NHS. Yes, of course, which is underfunded. So, good Lord. So you got to give them. Okay. That was so helpful.

It was very fun. fun time. Okay, well bye everyone. This was really good. It's really good. I can't wait to never do my tactic yet.