Nobody Panic - How to Exact Revenge with Sarah Keyworth and Olga Koch (Live at the Edinburgh Fringe 2022)

Episode Date: November 29, 2022

Been wronged? Wish to avenge? Tessa and Stevie enlist the help of Sarah Keyworth and Olga Koch to figure out the best way to exact revenge, both in a kind way and in an absolutely not kind way. NB: this was recorded at 11pm at the Fringe and is quite frankly chaos.Find Sarah on Twitter: @sarahkcomedy and Instagram: @sarah_keyworthBuy tickets for Sarah's tour show Lost Boy here.Find Olga on Twitter: @rocknrolga and Instagram: @kolga300Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded live at the Edinburgh Fringe and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The date is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace. It's coming to London. True on Saturday the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September at King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. already lost control. Yeah. If you're listening at home on your Tuesday commute, it's gone wild, it's gone live, it's gone late. I've lost my voice and I've been edited five hours.

We are here live with the amazing Sarah Keyworth. Before I said nothing, I deferred my microphone to the audience and let them shout fisting. It's her brand. I've got no authority here at all. Also, as well, very excitingly,

for anyone as well listening at home. And we have a second guest who'll be joining us by running in from the back from another show, Olga Koch, and we're going to be giving her a... She might probably come in halfway through a sentence, and we're just going to drop that sentence, and we're just going to give Olga a massive...

Absolutely, the attention she deserves. She does deserve it. And what's the topic today, Tessa Coates? Well, and this one was chosen by our very own, Stevie Martin. Does it come from a vulnerable and raw place? It actually does... I just watched Kill Bill, Volume 2, not one. Why are you pronouncing it like that?

Kill Bill. Kill Bill? Kill Bill. Isn't it like Kill Bill? Yeah, it's bad, isn't it? It's bad. But a bit of fun. So I've watched Kill Bull and Volwan.

Vol one. What's the topic is? How to exact revenge. We thought we'd go light for the wild late show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We thought we talk about revenge in all its forms. Revenge on a lover who's betrayed you. Revenge on a group of a side.

who've left you for dead. Or Bill. Is that the plot of Kill Bill? It's just Bill. It's not a group of assassins. Oh no, it is. She goes... It's mainly Bill.

She's going for Bill, right? Via Lucy Lou. You're the one who's claimed you've seen Vol One. I've seen Vol One so many times. She needs to get all five of them who killed her in the church. She does, yeah, no, she does.

Lucy Lou. I have! I've got it on TVD! Oh, this is terrible. Okay. Cotton Man. Black Mamba. The Side to Winder. The Manfred.

from reservoir dogs. The man from reservoir dogs. Et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, a lover. Somebody who has scorned you. A work colleague. Yeah, one up to you at work. A work colleague.

The Chortle reviewer Steve Bennett. These are your options. Just some random, like, relatable people that we all want to get revenge on. You know. It could be anyone. Do you have anyone that you would specifically like to get revenge on right now?

So many people. Right, yeah. Yeah. In this room, actually. The man that said fisting from the start. He's our power. He's the best.

You're the best. No, do not. We made you do it. I don't say that. They just gave me the cutest wave as well. Yeah, I was so nice. I'm going to fuck you up.

Great t-shirt as well. Great t-share. But before we get into it, we're going to do your adult things. The 10,000 people who've come to see us. Oh my, the voice is going so badly that actually the podcast might have to stop. Shall I be Stevie? This is how my career starts.

We just say, we move her out. and segue you in. I'm Stevie Martin. I'm out. I want to leave already. It's so good. Have you seen any DVDs recently? Say Kill Bill.

So we're going to read through some adult things that the audience have very kindly procured for us. So sometimes people who have seen the show or watch the podcast or watch the podcast at the beginning of every episode we do are adult things and sometimes they're very big and their things we're very proud of like tacks. And sometimes they're very small like a wax.

I'm going to start it off. This is quite, okay, this is actually quite a... adult. Go spontaneous tattoo with no swear words, then have sex. Such a strong start. I don't even going to top it. I have so many questions.

Did you have sex with a tattooist? Who did you sleep with? Oh my God. No swear words in the tattoo or no swear words while you were getting it done? Oh, fuck me. Olga Cock is here, everybody. Yeah.

Here she is. Olga. Olga. Olga. Olga. Fistic. Fisting. Pisting.

So, Olga. Not again. He wants more fissing. Oh, Fisting. Okay. She's in. To be absolutely

incomprehensible to anyone not here. Oh, thanks so much for having me. What am I missed? What are the inside jokes that I've missed? Just the fistic. Fisting. And you tell with it so well. Okay, so we ask people

what the most adult thing they've done this week is and we're going to read some out. And then we're going to talk about how to exact revenge. Started so strong by somebody getting a tattoo and then having sex. Unbelievable. And I'm coming in strong behind it

with telling us. someone off for having their bloody bag on a seat on a packed train to Edinburgh Karen Karen Karen Olga what's yours emailed our counsellor about the litter in our street it worked

yay that's so nice this is so boring you've done so well Sarah hit me with one resisted the urge to trim my own fringe with kitchen scissors so good that's an adendum booked an actual

haircut instead. Yeah. It is good. Very good. I want to know with who that person. Can I work it out? Is it you? I said, I don't guess.

That's a kitchen job. I'm kidding. You look beautiful. It's just like, it really is guess who? Like if you all lean down now, if you've got glasses. Yeah. If you don't have a fringe. Oh, where are you?

Is it you? Yay! Oh, it's good in it! Gives for my fucking gas. I took a salt bath to release bodily and emotional toxic. A fringe performer is in the audience. Bodily toxins is awful.

Oh, actually opened the important letters for my energy provider. They were bills. Kill bills. Remortgage my flat with a mortgage advisor. I don't know what that is or means. Wow. That is whoa, whoa, whoa.

Well done. And I'll come in right on the end of the mortgaging with killed a spider by myself. And then this is, What were you using? I used Obama's photo album. What? This one says pop to windies before this show.

What's that? Wait, is that like you clean windows? What's a windy? Isn't it like a, like a gas, like a little gas tab? If you've got a bit of flageolence. Am I wrong? Wind ease.

I was thinking Wendy's with a vibe. The gentleman who's shouting about fisting is taking the windies. You've got a new lease of life. And that's gone, something else needs to go up. Well, well done. Do we say well done? Well, whoever you are, congrats.

I've got very heavily into charcoal tablets. That's really really helpful. They're meant to like absorb. Something, and I don't know what it is. But what I will say is when you do go to the toilet, you might think you're dying. And you're not. Let's do one more, Tessa, and then we'll move to the...

Tess likes to read all of them out. And I want to, so... Oh, my God. I did the monkey bars at the gym. Oh! This one is adorable. Put the lamp up. What does it mean?

Where? Because a lamp is freestanding. Yeah. It's a lamp up. Where does you put it? So we're going to do how to exact revenge. The first thing I would like to ask all the contestants is so I've never, I couldn't really think of a time of exacted revenge because I'm like a whimp.

But on the way here, my friend I came to Edinburgh with told me that, that she used to work in sales, and when somebody was mean to her, she would make a note, this is bad, by the way, she'd make a note of their number and call them at 3 a.m. just once. And she showed me her phone, literally half an hour ago,

and it's still got names, and the way that she would identify the people that she should call, but she would put the word, the c, cunt, the Conde, the word, so it was just called like, Michael, Cud, Will, cunt, all they threw her phone. She's got about 20 of them,

only once and she'd just call and be like and say something and then have to hang up just to bother them and that was all she needed because she was only when she was treated like dog shit which I think is actually morally corrupt but also I love it

That's fantastic And that's like I don't have a personal one but I just wanted to say because the mind is like obviously the best revenge is living well Are we right? No No okay it's not

And this is the debate that you're looking for at the fringe So Sarah I just remembered this when you said about your friend calling people at 3am. Yeah. One time when I was, I think probably 18, 19 years old, my friend had

a boyfriend, she had to go into hospital to have surgery on her jaw while she was recovering hospital, he cheated on her. I'd never met him, but I knew what he looked like. I went on a night out in Nottingham. He was out in the club.

No, you are correct. He was significantly taller than me, I walked by him on the way to the toilet. I punched him in the face. I went, like that, hit him in the face like that,

and I went, oh, sorry, and he went, oh, no problem. And I walked up like, oops.

I was really femme at the time. I was like, what am I like? I punched him right in the gym. Really feminine. Oh, my God. I was like, oh, I'm sorry,

just knocked you. Didn't mean, I was dancing. And I danced like that. Punch him in the face. It's the best thing ever done. Good on you. Got the toilet.

Called her. immediately. It was like, I've just punched Jack in the face. She was like, thank you so much. In the jar, I hope. That's amazing. A jaw for a jaw. Yeah, because I didn't think I was a vengeful person, but then I had a flashback to that and I was like, no, I fully am. We've all got a touch point, and that's the thing. I think, like, you

want to think that you're like, I'm like, Jesus, I will turn the other cheek. However, Ben, you are like, fuck off. If I can get away with it and he doesn't know what I look like, I'll do anything. Yeah, that's what's terrifying, right? The anonymity. If I was wearing a mask. I don't know. He had exact a lot more revenge than I do.

Tessa, I was just searching the word Greg in my foot. Because as you were telling that one, I was like, oh wait. Mine isn't mine, I wish mine had a punching one. But my housemate, my housemate came, she, my housemate went to his boy, what? Yes, yes.

Who the fuck? Who the fuck are you? Who knows? Tess's housemate, Kat. Well, this is my... I'm so sorry, Jess, this is my housemate, Jess, and we were all living together

at the same time. Are we all there for the same... We were all there at the same time? For God, so tell us this story. This is going to be great. The what, sorry? The exchange. So, oh my God,

lot coming up for us all this evening. Mainly you. I haven't thought about this in so long. But, so Kat comes home, and it stopped me if I go awry, and she says, She's in hysterical tears and it's very early in the morning and she has so many files. She's got like got so many files and too many phones.

Okay. And then we established that she has gone back to Greg's house. His name was Greg and found there's another girl in the bed. No. Yeah. Yeah. So she's said that she's come. She's arrived at the house earlier than she said she was going to be there.

And there's another girl there. And then she's walked out and just picked up his phone and all of his revision. That's good. And straight out the house into an Uber and left and come back to ours. And some cufflinks. Crucial. Love that you're on the details. Yeah, this is important stuff.

Revision and cost me. She takes his revision. She takes his cufflid. She walks straight out of there. She knows his passcode. And so on the way home, she's looking through all his text messages. And there's so many girls. There's not just this one girl.

There's so many girls. And he makes some reference to needing to like wash his dick between... I think I'm going to throw up. Between ladies. Like something really gross. like that, right? I'm not lying. Then Cat's so sad. We went to then an immersive Alice in Wonderland

at the vaults in Waterloo. You have to. It was sort of dropping water on us and we were just leading cat around by the hand that she was like gently weeping and the Alice in Wonderland didn't take her mind off her and then we went to the pub and we... And she wasn't

cured. Going through the looking glass. It didn't do it. It didn't do it. It was like two in the after He didn't solve it. And, oh my God, I haven't thought about this is so long. And then when we go to the pub, and we're sat there with, we've got his phone and we've got all of his revision. And I don't know what he was, an accountant or a lawyer or some shit. And his friend is messaging us on the phone for the liaison.

And we sit there in a line facing the door. And we're ready to give him this big spiel. Kazimil, we've got me and Jess, and we're going to say what we're going to say what we think to him. And then he comes, we're with. watching the door, here we are, sat with the revision, like the first wives club, and then... He comes in this door. He comes in...

He comes in... He's just punched there in the jaw. He was just like looking around for him. So he comes in the wrong door. Behind you. Yeah, behind us. So now all our... Oh, no!

The power is gone. The power's completely gone. And then we're just so taken off guard that he just picks up the files. No! No! He's got his earphones in like this. So when we say something, he goes...

He's coming wearing earphones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, head photos, yeah. I know, I'm even, like, I didn't even think he was like a security guard. Like, he's walked in to get his provision. So he says like, arrogance. Oh, right, they're there, are they? And, like, wasn't he?

And then he just picks up his stuff and he walks. And we're so overwhelmed, we can't do anything. And he just leaves. He just leaves. He leaves. What state of cleanliness is his dick at this point? I need to know. It's very crucial. Anyway, it was so stressful.

It felt like all our power had been taken away from us. And Kat was so upset because this was our job to, like, say our peace. to Greg. And then it took me like 24 hours, but this why I was trying to look on the phone for find this, is I composed him a text message and it said, like,

Dear Greg, like, this is... You start your text message as Dear Greg. Dear Greg. Give it to him, Tessa. Best wishes. Dear Greg, I'm Tessa. Okay, guys, I'm shut.

This is how to exact revenge. So listen closely. First tip. Dick, I'm Tessa. August Lowe left the stage because she's going to shit herself. So, look,

no, it's fine. It's fine. She's got some time to think now while she's on. If Greg ever listens to this, he's not going to feel like we've won. I don't. I have a feeling that no one's going to be listening

to this. It's the most chaotic episode we've ever done. They'll start. I'm not having any list. But, okay, so we'll listen. How to compose the perfect revenge text. When they go low, you go high.

Dear Greg, I'm Desiree. Dear Greg, I'm Desiree. I'm Desiard's left the stage. Are you, Greg? Emotionally, Sarah's also left the stage. Sarah's having, I think, a panic attack. So, it's just the last thing I thought that would happen to them. She did it so politely as well.

I thought she was getting up to do a bit. I thought she was going to be like, I can't, I must leave as a fun bit. Yeah, and then she actually needed. I'm going to shit myself when she's off. She said it off mic, to be fair. to her and to the other woman. Anyway, right, let's get to the text. So, I can post text message.

Dear Greg, it's Tessa. Oh, I'm Tessa. Hello, it's Tessa. You remember me? I'm Kat's housemate. Tessa. You remember Kat? The girl you had in your bed right after you were washing your dick

to get that other girl in. That's good. Yeah, it gets stronger. It's not good content, but I mean, it's good. Done this. Oh, right. Like, I guess, you know, gross, obviously. But like, I know, it was quite good content.

Sorry, no, as in the washing the dick bit makes me say. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you wash a dick without washing everything else? Dip it into a beaker. Plop it in. It's got to be a beaker. Yeah. I feel like...

I thought washing the sink, but just plop into the sink. Sinks too. What if you... Sinks too high? What if you're a small man? A couple of books? Raise yourself.

Yellow pages? Yellow pages. On either side to get squat in. Yeah, okay. And we're off. Okay. Or... Sh shower.

Like this. He didn't have time between women. I'm so sorry, Desquish. He's got time to stack several books. He says I just find a... I'll find a vintage copy of the yellow pages which is not printed anymore. Right, sorry, yes, go on, Tesla, let's go.

Right. Dear Greg, it's Tessa. You remember Tessa. You remember me? I'm Tessa. Okay. You remember Kat? The girl you had in your bed before Lucy. You remember from washing your dick. And then I say something like, I was going to call you a cunt. But I don't know if that'll have the impact I wanted to. Instead, I think you'll probably...

Good luck with your life. I suspect you rise very high and end up in middle management somewhere and get married to a perfectly nice woman who you relentlessly cheat on. I think you're going to be sad for the rest of your life. Best of luck, snowman emoji. Was it winter at the time? The snowman emoji just felt like the... It just felt like...

I did the chicken emoji when it's a bit like... Oh, a bit like... What's coming next? It just felt like nonsensical. I don't think it was winter and it just felt like the right thing to do. Anyway, so I said this like... I really like... Just I was like, don't want to be rude.

And I just was like cuttingly like, you're going to have this like sad, empty, pointless knife for snowman emoji. And I think it was actually quite well written. doesn't adjust. And then he never replies, obviously. But then, Coda to the story, literally very recently, like a couple of years ago, Kat sees Greg at a rugby tournament, because that is where they met at rugby. And he says they get very, they're like polite,

and then like the evening progresses. And then about 2 a.m., he's very drunk and at the bar, he says, I don't know if you know that thing that Tessa sent me, but I think about it every day. No. Oh, yeah. I think that's excellent. This is great stuff, because that is true, Because you're not the wronged. You're the friend of the wrong.

Punching him in the face. If you are wrong, go to your best friend and get them there. They've got carte blanche and say whatever. They go way direct when you're too emotional to go direct. Great tip. Do you think he thinks about the words? Or do you think every so often he thinks, why did you do a snowmone?

If you are in the mood now to exact revenge, like right now, you're not emotionally ready to exact the revenge. I feel that. I feel that for Uma Thurman and Kill Bill. Imagine if Kill Bill was entirely Uma's mate. Tessa. I'm made with Uma and I'm here to send you a snowman emoji.

The film would be a you. It would not be. So yeah, the idea of like that whole thing if you want to send an email, I remember when someone told me because I used to basically just

send emails or text or whatever when I felt it. I would just consistently be like that I shouldn't have done that. I said in the wrong way. I said in the emotional way. I slept on it. Obviously the next day you're like,

oh, no, I shouldn't have done that. So the idea of like making sure that you're out of that state, I think it's really good. And a mate who's like, you can see it with so much more perspective. Your friend can see it and so much more perspective than you can. So much more devastating for someone you didn't

think of in the perriff to just hit you with that barb, do you know what I mean? Or physical hit. Or punching the jaw. Yeah, but it depends if your friend is like reasonably sort of like mild manner. Like it sounds like you were quite reasoned. Whereas I'm like everyone's best mate that's fucking mental.

So I'll be like, let me fucking kill them for you. I'll do anything. to deploy Sarah. I'll make it worse. Let me make it worse. Let me make it worse now. How do you make it worse? I don't know. I just say shit. I don't do it as snowmunt.

Olga has had a period of. Here she is. Olga says someone's exacting revenge on her bowels in case anyone listening wanted to know. I think they did. It's real. It's late. It's wild. That's what the fringe is. Is it happening now?

Is she doing it again? I can't sit down because it burns. It burns. Okay. Do you want to have a little stand and tell us about some revenge? Or would you just like to sit this one out? Guys, I'm so sorry. Why?

Sorry. Okay, you have me sorry. This is probably the best thing has ever happened on a live podcast. I think we can all agree. We're halfway through the fringe. The woman's alive. She's a human being. Okay?

She has functions. I'm so sorry. No, you're doing great. I was just so... wanted to be a guest on this and I came late and then I left the second I arrived to shoot my son. I'm also wearing a romper.

That's fine. It's so difficult to shit in secret. Oh my, sorry, now I understand. I was like, it's a nice rumble. Why are you upset about that? Oh, you can't get out of this. You shat nude. It's actually what you're telling us all.

You shat nude while thinking about when you're laughing back. I was behind that door and stripped naked. Have you got any revenge that you've ever or any revenge you've been taken out on you? Just trying to like plon. this back. Any point.

Okay, so I don't know if this counts as revenge because I think at first it was cool and then I think it went diminishing returns. It's more of like a meme that I have. So I'm not a person that lets things go. Like if you wronged me sexually or romantically, I will think it's like a funny meme to come back to you five years later

and be like, why didn't you call me back? Ha ha ha, like five years later because I think that's funny. To the actual person like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One guy threatened to sue me because I kept screenshoting. I had this car.

I was like, hey, remember when you asked me out and change your mind two days later? And then I was taking screenshots and tweeting all of them. And he was in law school at the time. He threatened legal action. So, okay, so there's this one boy that I was absolutely obsessed with in high school. This is being recorded, right? So I won't say his name. Maybe, but yeah, no, don't say his name.

Okay, his name is not Grant. So. Grand as well. Wow. And so I was obsessed with him in high school. He didn't love me back. And then every summer when we met up through like friends of friends in this little high school reunion,

I would lead him to believe that we would hook up and have sex and then I'd pull out at the last minute. And I did it about three summers in a row where I'd be like, mm-mm, mm-mm, and then I'd start hysterically laughing as we were in dressing and being like, would you think this was? Wow. Okay, sorry. Wow.

And he fell for it three years in a row. Let's back up one second. So this man has wronged you. Will Wrongs you and Zinn, he didn't love me back, which I think is ultimately the sin. He asks you out and then he changes his mind. No, no, this is a different person. I just think, I don't know if Grant was given the choice at the time.

He wasn't poised the question. He just didn't actively love you in high school. He didn't scream, I love you. You're like, well, you're going to fucking pay for this. And he's... You're going to pay for this every summer for three years. Poor Grant, I say on behalf of all the Grant. listening. We were all so on your side and now, if I may, we've all talked about

on the grand side. So every summer you did all have you learned from this? So we would, yeah, it would be like we'll be at a pub or something, like a little high school reunion with a mates and then it will be like, oh, we'll start making out on the dance floor and then I'd bring him home and then the last minute, literally fully nude grant, I'd be like, psych! But it happened three times, third times on him. That's on him. Okay, what have you learned from this, all girl? Well now, okay, so then he started dating this girl And then my new meme became was every time he posted her, I'd say, who is she? So now you're abusing his girlfriend.

Oh, yeah. Oh, big time. And then he gets engaged to her and then I obviously respond with, you're on thin ice. Oh, meme. Then he unfollows me. And he was still following you. And he unfollows you. You are like the queen of revenge.

Where have you been? I'll never let it go. I wish you'd been here. This is like wild. Oh, yeah. And then obviously wedding put pig. And that's more, before it was all always responses to Instagram stories, now public Instagram comment, who is she on the wedding photo?

Okay, okay. Why aren't you laughing? Because everyone's going, oh my God. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm hearing it. But the boy didn't do anything wrong. No. No.

He didn't, sounds like he didn't do anything right, though. He should have known. Sometimes, it's a crying. He should have known. Sometimes you've got to, sometimes you can exact revenge when it's not. necessary or needles. No, no, no, you're not. This isn't correct.

Every boy in high school should assume that every girl in high school wants to fuck them. Okay, okay. This is the message that Olga is pushing, right? He knew I love him. No, okay. You just assume that every girl

wants to have sex with you, and if you don't act on it, that's your fault. Is that right, Olga? Is that what we're saying the right thing? Is that the right message is? Your haircut looks like grants. Anyway, um... the comedy, roast battle.

Who is she? Come on, that's good stuff. It is, okay, so have you... Well, no, asshole that's on fire. This is premium content. How, yes, that's clear. How have you... Do you, have you ever...

Has anyone ever... I was going to say, my next question literally was if you ever exacted revenge when you don't think someone's deserved it. I think August can just come on and answer that question for me. What I would say is, you got to be careful with revenge,

because sometimes it can't go wrong. Is that a right or wrong? Before, right, the start, when we were all very, much younger than we are now. And I said revenge is living well. Like, I have an ex-boyfriend who was a piece of shit. And I very much was like...

What's his Instagram handle? At piece of shit. William, Lewis is not a william. But grand. Same guy. I should have said that. Anyway, so, yeah, I don't, I didn't really do any revenge business.

I just very quietly, it was like, maybe one day. he'll walk past me and be like, well, she's gotten blonde and that looks good. And the barometer was low. So, and now, years later, I think the revenge has just been that I don't really mind anymore.

You know, like, it's just like, I've moved on so much that it doesn't matter. But then sometimes when it is a very specific thing, like at work or something's literally been a dick to you, like, you know, with Lola and the kind of sales thing, you kind feel like you do have to, you do have to do something. Like, so it's very hard to find a

line and where do you think the line is. I feel like I'm interviewing everybody. But like if I wasn't, it would just be talking about ground and doing a poo. So I think we've all got to be thankful I'm here in a way. So once got to be the Jeremy Paxman of the group. No one wants to

be it. You're absolutely right. In the words of Beyonce, if I may, I bring her to the table. The best revenge is your papers, as in like, let's make a lot of money, you know? Easy. Yeah, papers is money.

And she's like, the best revenge. I thought there might be more, better than, yeah, I thought there might be more of something to do with, something else with that. But that, absolutely. It's stealing the Declaration of Independence. Yeah, it is? Yeah.

It's all about that. What's in Nicholas Cage film? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the best revenge. No, if I make... The words of Nicholas Cage. The words of Nicholas Cage, I'm going to say, what goes around,

comes around, A, A, my baby. Not just in Timberlake. No, it's a Beyonce. Oh, fucking hell, right, fine. Someone said something. I don't think either of them came up with it. No, I don't think. She said, the best revenge is your papers.

Always stay classy, the best revenge is your papers. And it's like, oh, yeah, fuck. The best revenge is just making loads of money and being like, oh, I'm classy and above. I'll take home. Yeah. If you get done, make fucking shit loads of money. What better could that possibly be?

Always stay classy, the best revenge is your papers. And during a cost of living crisis, if you could all try and make more money. I had a horrible girlfriend about 10 years ago, and even now, like this, as recently as this month, I've been like occasionally lying in bed going, God, I hope she reads

1-4 review. I hope she fucking reads that. She sees how well I'm getting on. Just simply do an Edinburgh run and get a 1-4 review blog to come and review. Somebody sent her the link to the 1-4 review of my show. She'll divorce her now husband. Graham?

That's the thing. We won them all. Yeah, I think it's that thing of being like, It's that horrible catch-22 of being like the only time they will finally be like, oh, wow, God, she's so cool and she's totally moved on and she's amazing. And look at her blonde hair diet does look fantastic. And oh, God, that's a really great review. And God, they're all thriving is when you have totally stopped caring.

And it is. What an ugly twist of face, you know? It is. But also as well, like, yeah, time is the best revenge. Unless you can do something quite like, you know, nifty that they won't know about. In a mask, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got any nifty mask work to work? You just go in there and just... No. Absolutely. I've just got wearing a mask and walking around them. Is that enough? It depends on what the revenge is.

I've got a revenge that I think is an urban legend. All right. I think you can bring us home with this absolutely incredibly tight episode that we've recorded. If anyone's got a bare urban legend, you can take me... A better one, a better one.

You've got a better open legend, please tell me. A woman is dumped by her husband of 40 years and he takes up with the secretary. Fuck you. Genuinely, in my... No, not important. I'm a feminist, but not when it comes to secretary.

No way. He takes up with the secretary. She gets nothing in the divorce, and he kicks her out of the house, and she... She gets kicked out, and then he's going to live there with the secretary. In their family home, that she made nice.

Come on. Revenge, revenge, revenge, revenge. And she is... Diss, Diss, Diss, Diss. As she is packing up to leave all her things, into the curtain rail. The hollow curtain rail, she inserts five prawns.

Yes. I like it. She closes up the curtain rail? She leaves. No one's looking in that curtain rail. They're looking floor. They're looking ceiling. The smell becomes unbearable.

Unbearable. They rot through the summer. The smell seeps into the entire house. Every room is like, oh, what is it? What is it? Where is it? They get fumigators in. They bet the pest control. They do everything.

Nothing can be done about the smell. Where is it? Where is it coming from? What could it be? They put up the floorboards looking for rats. They ain't no rats. It's five prawns in the curtain rails. Then they're forced to sell the house. I love this. No one's buying this thing.

There's prawns. No one's buying it. The smell is too bad. The smell is too bad. They have to go down from asking price. Down, down, down, down until it's half what it should be. It's nothing. It's nothing. Is it?

Oh, she does. She's good. The wife buys it. Oh, incredible. The wife buys it. In Holland, put prawn in it. No, I don't know. As a podcast, we do not condone revenge prawn.

I'm going to shit myself. I think we should all shit ourselves. And say thank you very much to Sarah Keyworth. Olga Cock, everybody. But also full of great advice. Thank you so much everybody. That was Nobody Panic. Give yourselves a round of applause.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Look, let us go on. A bit of late-night custody.