Nobody Panic - How to Get On with Your Parents as an Adult

Episode Date: June 8, 2021

Back living at home? Only visit once a year? Get on amazingly? Lot going unsaid between you? Whatever your relationship with your parents, Stevie and Tessa discuss redrawing the boundaries and communicating your way through to a new adult-to-adult relationship. Want to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Follow Nobody Panic on Twitter @NobodyPanicPodSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. it. Nobody Panic, a podcast where we help you how to do things. And that's very much the tone. So come on in. We're giving it a go, take a seat, take a load off and plug us in and unplug. Just unplug. Just unplug. We're all doing our best here. Our best often is not the best, but it's our best. We're not thriving, but we're surviving. That's how I would describe. Oh, very much. My current emotional energy. I'm Stevie. And my excellent co-host, Tessa, here, has, an email of a suggestion for today's episode. Yes, I do. I would love you to do an episode on how to

get on with your parents as an adult. Crossing from the parent slash child to adult slash adult dynamic can be difficult and in my family we find ourselves slipping back into the relationship we had when I was a teenager. We have very different views whether fight or avoid certain subjects. By the way, I moved out when I was 19 and I'm now 28 married with a house and a cat and it's still an issue. many thanks christina we liked this email very much and thought oh what a what a universal subject that is attempting to make the adult adult dynamic work yes it's the realization that like oh my parents are people and they have their own foibles and things and as you get older you go like oh i'd sort of disagree with that whereas when you're a kid that you don't well you can't disagree

They're deities. They are, they're it. Yeah, well, all you just disagree all the time with everything they say because you're a teenager. And then until the fact that the disagreements just mean nothing and are pointless. So like, yeah, it's a completely different stage, isn't it? In life, which will continue and continue. There's a really nice line in a book that I hadn't thought of till now, but I was obviously stuck with me because I do remember it. That was about like a girl, somebody growing up and then seeing. said the line like when they made the transition from semi-divine dictator to semi-detached confidant

which is an and that's sort of it isn't it like you they go from being like the absolute they're it you're there your whole world and then they become somebody that they sort of weirdly tell you things as well ask you ask advice you know that's kind of where you would hope the relationship is but that's very rare and often that transition from child to adult to adult to adult can just be hard. It can just be like, oh, we don't see it. We don't see eye to eye. I think it's impossible. And also, like, the more I see, like, my friends now having babies and just sort of like holding them at arm's length and being like, oh my God, oh my God. The more I'm like, okay, so being a parent is just like

doing your absolute best and like making it up and, you know, your parents are just people, you know, there's people sort of doing their best. Yeah, making mistakes. just like you would do if you had a baby right now. Yeah. It's very overwhelming. Yeah. Parents, eh? Parents, eh?

And that's what we've got to say about it. Okay. See you. Next week. Before we dive into it, we say a grown-up thing we've done this week to make us feel better about our lives. What's your grown-up thing you've done this week, Tessa? Mine is that I was listening to this fantastic podcast, Nobody Panicked.

Oh, yeah. Did an episode about how to have a staycation in this. the UK, regardless of what you think the word steak hate means. And one of them was saying you had to just do fun things and run really commit. And then when it was sunny last week, I went with my friend Phoebe. We got in the car and we drove to the big IKEA and we had a hot dog and chips and sat in the car park eating them with a Coca-Cola. I'm sorry, but it's a three pound for a hot dog chips and a Coca-Cola. I mean... That's great. It was so sunny and it really felt like being,

there's something about chips, that particular taste that like feels like you're at an event or like at something or like, you know, you're at a big stadium or you've got your chips in the stadium, you know? And it felt so exciting. And also because IKEA is in like such a weird like industrial car park bit,

it does feel like the bit where you just like landed in another country in the airport and you're like, oh my God, it's so weird. Like all the transit areas of any country are weird. So when you first land, you're like, oh my God, this was a mistake.

Like this is so weird here. So we were driving around pretending we were in Spain and having a hot talk. And it was genuinely, and then we went around the IKEA showroom, and it was genuinely a very funny day. I gave me being like, I've had a really good day. And it's just about really, really committing and going somewhere and not being like, oh, I have to go around IKEA. Be like, I'm going to IKEA. Yeah, I'm going to make it fun. I'm going to make this as fun as possible.

I keep pretending I'm in Spain. Finding the childlike joy in the adult life is truly one of the most adult things we can do. That's exactly it. That's exactly it. It's all full circle, isn't it? You spend your whole childhood trying to be an adult, and you spend your whole of adulthood being like, how can I reconnect with my child?

In a child, not your actual child. No, and do connect with your child. Share, I don't know if anyone follows, share on Twitter. She tweets in like all caps. Yeah, she's great. The energy is all over the shop. and she said something like she was tweeting, she was doing some kind of tweet thread.

And then she was like, I've got to go for half an hour. While I'm gone, everyone just try and reconnect with their inner child. And it really felt. And everyone was like, okay, share. And it really felt like a genuine request.

And we were like, okay, we will. We will. I'll try. I'll do my absolute best. I'll give it a bloody go. Right. What's your adult thing?

I've got into baths. Hooray. Hooray. Yeah. Finally. It's only taken 30 plus years. I've never enjoyed baths. I get in and then after five minutes get too hot or too cold or just get frustrated.

My glasses steam up. I get very sweaty and then I get very angry at myself that I've spent this time cultivating this experience. After five minutes, I need to leave it. And then I think of in nanoseconds like all of the scenes in films of people enjoying baths just like pass before my eyes. And I think, what's wrong with you? What is wrong with you? Work on you. Have joy.

And then I leave being very angry at myself. That's my bath experience. Recently, I started to get like, what can only be described as old person aches and pains. And my boyfriend was like, why don't you, why don't you have a bath? I was like, you know what? I actually can't think of anything better than to submerge myself in very warm water and just feel. Also, as well, the heating was a little bit off in the house. So I was just cold all the time.

Got in the bath. And I don't know if anyone knows this about baths, but they're so warm. and they're warm all over your body and it's the only time my entire body. I think I've got some like circulation issues. So it's the only, basically my hands and my feet are like ice and then the rest of my body is kind of fine, but it's, I'm constantly cold. Anyway, I could put my hand and my foot in the bath and with my body and then all my body became the same temperature and it was like heaven. And then I became addicted to them and pretty much every day for about three weeks. I had bath every single night and I would think about it all day and I've had to now wean myself often because

I became like addicted to back to bath time. You can never be addicted. No, carry on. At every moment I'm not in the bath. I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing. What a waste. I could be submerged in water. And welcome. You're finally here. Welcome. So I've just discovered something that everyone's been doing for I think centuries. That's my adult thing. Welcome. I feel so much karma. So talking feeling so so much calmer. One of the biggest sources of anxiety in your adult life is transitioning to adulthood, according to a family therapist, Judy Hess, PhD. One of the most difficult things is to transition to adulthood and then reconfigure what it means to be attached to the people who raised you, especially when you're no longer living under their roof. So you are not the only person. I have a

very, a very lovely relationship with my parents. But of course, that relationship changes and it has changed and there was a period of time in my 20s, for example, when I very much like, you know, would only call them when I needed something, for example, or like, and also as well, like, I didn't know what the relationship was anymore. Like, you know, when you're like, am I a kid and are you, and are you a parent? Or are we both friends? Now we've got to a stage where we are, I would say, I'm, we're friends. And so like, we give them, me and my sister, give them advice and stuff and they give us advice. And we've got to that stage where they are kind of like, like you say, semi-detached confidants.

And I think that's, it's very lucky as well because not, I don't, you know, many people don't get to that stage. But if you don't get to that stage, that does not mean that you were destined to have a bad relationship with your parents. What I found very interesting is talking to my boyfriend, who's, both of his parents aren't with us anymore. But when they got older, he had, he completely shifted his relationship with them. And his brothers sort of didn't.

He specifically, like, made me. the effort to be like, okay, they're moving into this like different period of time. I'm going to lean, like step forward, forget everything that happened, forget old sort of arguments, past grudges, anything. They are now this, they are now this. And so how can I, what, what do I want from my parental relationship? Like, what do I want from them? What do they need from me? And how can I make it work? And he really took like a really practical look at it, rather than doing, which I think lots of people do, which I sometimes do, which is like, well, why isn't it like it was?

Or, like, why can't we do that? Or, like, you know, kind of sort of a mix of nostalgia and, like, frustration at being treated like a child, but, like, you can't have it both. There's so much wrapped up in it. You've got this power dynamic that nobody knows where the balance should lie and, like, who's in charge here. Then you've got, like, this all, like, terrifying aging process that, like, you know, people that, and, like, mortality. And, you know, that's wrapped up in there. And then, like,

accepting people who were one thing to you are now, like, something else. And, you know, there's just, and exactly nostalgia. Like, that's such a huge part of it. And, like, both desperately vying for power and at the same time, like, wanting to be cared for. And, you know, there's, there's, there's so much going on. And I think, like, riot, you're, I don't know. And I don't think, it goes away for anybody. And I don't think anyone ever truly gets it completely right. And I think, like at your heart you're always sort of a kid or your relationship is always something. And like I, a long time ago at a wedding. My dad was like on the dance farm.

My dad likes to dance, not on his own maybe, but definitely like he's up. I wouldn't have thought Tom was a dancer. That's great. Oh, he loves. Listen, he'll hate this. But he was in the twirling teens as a teenager in Calgary. The Calgary twirling teen, the red deer twirling teens. And we, we tease him about it being marionette, like,

baton twirling and he's like it it was it was step dancing or whatever you call that like it was country dancing i went because there was girls like you know so he he loves a bit of partner dancing and like any kind of like a country dancing and he's he's up he like he really likes to get involved so he's not somebody who you have to sort of drag on to the dance for and then my auntie is three years older than him and at a wedding she like went he was already on the dance before but she like went to pull him to like dance and with her. And it honestly was like, it was like he was six years old. Like he just, his whole body reverted to being like, no, get him. Go away. It was, it was like breathtaking to watch. I'd never

really seen that transition in a person. But he was, honestly, he was six. And it was like, all that embarrassment just came out of him and just like, didn't want to be with his sister. Like, it was, there was so much going on. And I was like, oh, it's never, it never really changes. Like, you become adults, you have kids, your kids grow up, and at the end of the day, you're still a six-year-old who doesn't want to dance with his sister. Yes. It's all just, ultimately, like,

no matter how much you try and fight it, ultimately, you will always be their kid and they will always be your parent. For a lot of people that I know, a lot of friends that I know, who have successfully, and by successfully, I mean, they've just managed to have some sort of, some form of relationship with their parents in their adulthood.

A lot of my friends don't. I don't speak to their dad, or don't speak to their mom or don't or kind of have a have a relationship but it's not really what you know Christmas is a nightmare they don't really want to go home and that sort of thing. Yeah. And I think so much around it is about forgiveness and communication and those two things seem to be the thing that ties up or links everyone that seems to be able to at least have a relationship that functions in some way with their parents and those that don't.

And that could be coming from either side, whether it's the parents not forgiving or the parents not communicating or the children. One of the things that I've noticed really, like a lot, really a lot, is that the older generation are, well, are not as able to communicate their feelings as well as we are. and that just seems to be across the board, even if your parents actually are, do communicate. Like, my parents do communicate,

but still, there are things that they are only when we've got older and we're like almost forced them to talk about that then, then it will be like, it will be brought up or it'll be, like, it's, you know, me and my sister are both like in therapy and like working on our issues. Like, my parents have never had therapy. Like, and everybody, as we say quite a lot on this, this podcast like everyone needs therapy like ever just just so that you can deal with stuff and you can look at things and you can be able to move through stuff and a lot of the old generations don't and then

that can cause you drifts because then it's like well why aren't we we communicating or it causes frustration and so it feels like you know from why i can see that a lot of it's about you deciding what you would like your relationship to be with your parents and then you being aware that you will have to do some of this like work rather than wanting your parents to just sort it out for you and just act like your you know act like grownups act that because because they're always supposed to be the authoritative figure aren't they in your brain so you're like so they should sort it out rather than me like what i have to sort it out which is fair enough but the thing is is that if you want a healthy adult adult adult relationship you're going to have to do you're going to have to do

that that push um yeah to kind of push them into you know like like also meeting you. A hundred percent. A while ago, I found these very funny glasses at my grandma's house. And I was wearing them and decided I looked like a therapist. And so she was sat on the, and we were laughing about it. And I must have like, and then I sort of said, so how are, and I sort of pretend to be a therapist. And I said, you know, how are you today, Sheila?

And my grandma said, oh, I'm okay. And then my back, I've got this thing with my knee and I've got this thing with my back. And I said, yes, but how are you inside? And it just started as a joke, but then the more I sort of kept pushing, she was like, well, this, you know, I'm having a problem with the pond, and there's this, and I don't know what to do about Bill's sheep that are in the field, you know, all of this. And I'm like, yes, but how do you feel? And she, like, she couldn't, she wasn't naming any emotion. She was just like naming, like, physical ailments. And, like, she, and I could really tell that, like,

she actually did not know how to answer the question about, like, how you felt, like, inside. And then I was like, this is the end of this game. But I really was like, okay like that's such a huge massive divide about generational how generations approach the question of like how are you and like how in tune they are with their feelings and how able they are to be like I'd like to discuss this and like this is how this made me feel when in my childhood and like what you're saying about like forgiveness and communication is like so massive because it sort of comes down to like what are you prepared what are your battles like what are you prepared just to like let go and you've made peace with it and does it win anything does it help anything for you to have to

discuss this, is it enough for you just to like forgive them and like, like, or do you need to talk about it? Or do you need to talk about it? Like, does it need to come up? And do you need to say like this, you need to acknowledge this thing that you did or that you didn't do for me or whatever, like, does it need to be talked about or is it enough for you just to make your peace with it? And, and, you know, and what's the, and what will the cost of that discussion be? I'm also very, like, I have a nice relationship with my parents. That wasn't always, there wasn't always nice. And definitely when it is nice, you're much more able to like bring up all stuff and open and discuss things and laugh about stuff and be able to be more open about like how things were. But if like everybody's feeling fragile and toxic and vulnerable and all of that stuff, like that's not the time to be like, let's sit down and discuss our feelings.

You know, like it's never, it's never going to, it's never going to happen. So whenever there's been issues or something in my family, tensions or whatever, it does tend to be me and my sister that will like bring that. forward and it's helped so much to acknowledge that the relationship has changed rather than than kind of be like wanting it to wanting them to sort everything out all the time and I think if you're you're listening and you're like yeah but I have like a seriously difficult relationship with my family like this is this all sounds like you're talking about like sylvania families but I'm like we're talking like real life bad situation then if you getting therapy or you being able to talk to somebody that can help and

We've got an episode about how to get therapy. Getting therapy yourself to work on your relationship with your parents is one of the most, like, rewarding things. Because I've got a friend who's basically done that, but that's not what she went into it for, when she went into it because she wasn't well. But then it's become very clear that what she needed to do is she needed to sort out her relationship with, I think it's her mom. Through having therapy, she has learned how to approach her mom, how to talk to her mom. because I think so much of it is about like, if you have a, so for example, taking something

really, really simple, if your parents say, you know, the classic of being like, they're constantly, I don't know, talking about your weight, say, or they're talking about, about your single. Talks about your other sibling is. Yes, yes. Like the only way you are ever going to be able to solve that is by you confronting in an, in a kind and calm way, that situation saying, I know that you might be trying to motivate me, but when you do that, it has the opposite effect. When you mention my sister or my brother in this exalted way and sort of make me feel lesser, it just makes me feel lesser.

And I know that you love me and I know that you care, but sometimes I feel like you don't when you say things like that. And I know that you don't mean to, but that's how I feel. Like that is the only way you're ever going to move through something is by, you know, literally saying, I don't want you to do this. But that's so hard to do that to your parents. Because you're like, but then we parents. It doesn't matter if you're 40.

Like, they're still your parents. And also you presume as well. And I think a lot of people, well, they're not going to listen. I know people, I'm very close to people who like, you suggest something and you kind of bring something up and they go like, no. And then like three days later to them, like, yes, actually. And that's what your parents might be like, start the process. And then at least you've started it and you're not just sort of, you know,

stewing, it's always better to be out in the open than it is to just be privately eating away at you. Like, that can't happen. But if you can't do that, then you need help to do that. And the only way you can do that is by, I think, really understanding your parents, like you would with anybody, like, when you have a friend and you don't understand their motivations or you're like struggling, the only way you're ever going to, like, strengthen that bond is by really understanding your friend. So if your friend is acting in a way that you don't get, and then you fill in the gaps. That's not fair. You don't know what your friend's going through. They might be going through a really bad time. They might have tens of miles of stress. They might just be

really insecure about this thing or whatever. But your parents, they might be really insecure about something. Their motivations are often positive but skewed, you know, and even the worst things, unless they are bad people, unless something has, they have really, and then that's a separate thing. And then you might not want to have a relationship with them. And that's also completely okay, incredibly hard, but okay. But there's, always a motivation. It's so important more, it's probably the most important relationship for you to understand the other person than any other relationship in your life. Like, you need to understand why they do what they do. Why? And then once you understand why, then you know what to do to like

solve it and talk about it. And I think people are so complicated, especially older generations, because they often don't say what they mean because they don't know how to do that. And that's very And often they don't, they don't know themselves. Like it's never occurred to them to, to answer that question. And I think it's exactly that of like understanding why they do something, but also why does it upset you? Like what is your, it takes two to tango and the more that you can do the work on your own side of the tango, the better you can come to that discussion. And the more that you can do your own therapy and your own forgiveness and your own life, why does this bother me so much if, you know, if mum is busy or this happens or I get, you know, what is it about me that makes. me feel this way when this event happened. Yeah. Yeah. And putting in that time and effort. And it is,

it's huge. It's, it's complete unpacking of like, it didn't even cross my mind to discuss my parents in therapy. And when very early on, she said, like, what's your relationship with like your parents? I really like rolled my eyes and was like, oh, like, boring. Like, here we go. Like, this is what therapy is just being like, talk about your father. And I'm like, they're nice. They're really nice people. I like them. I don't really want to talk about them here. And she says, like, so much of, her therapy work was like getting people to talk about their parents and to admit that like they were good people but they did they did their best but they weren't perfect people and to to acknowledge that like that's just that's a huge part of her job as people being I don't want to talk about my parents

they they're great they did this they put me through school like yeah they looked after me like I don't want to ever even acknowledge they you know so many people I know who have very to me very clearly transparently bad relationships to their parents say like oh they sent me to a good school or something and I'm like that's it's okay they can do that and also be bad have let you down in other ways like you can there's you can love them and be grateful and acknowledge that they didn't do X and Y or did do or whatever like you don't have to say like oh they sent me to a good school like I don't need or they cared for me for 20 years or whatever which yeah they did their parents like you're allowed to and I think it's everything is very particularly British thing

And I think it's very sort of, you know, there's so much, like, wrapped up in our, like, oh, we mustn't be cross with our parents. We mustn't be, we can only be grateful. We can only be, you know, we can only be this. And just admitting they're like, they're people. And like, they just were doing their best. And of course they have failings. And like they did a good, you know, just call like they're good enough, you know,

not that they were perfect and unfailable. It can just be as well, a fear of them getting older as well. And that could be the source for a strain. And that's just, you know, you being frightened. For them and for you. Unless you have, which is great, but if you are just struggling and you don't know why, like you can't identify what the problem is yourself, really, and your parents can't. And there will always, it's like, you know, what other relationship do you have that lasts as long

as the relationship you have with your parents? Even if you don't really have much of relationship, it's still there because they're never going to not be, even if they're not around, then they're still your parents. So like, you'll always have, whether you don't have a relationship, that's like just as much of a relationship almost is having one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The absence of a relationship is still a relationship. Like that's still a thing to work on the fact that they aren't there. And yeah, like exactly like I said, like we're so bad at communicating. Not very long ago, we ran me and my mum ran the Athens marathon. The day afterwards, we were like going around the city and my dad was

in such a bad mood when he was really cross with everybody and I really didn't know why. And then we found those like lime scooters, you know, those like scooters that you can hire. And suddenly it was like a different person. He was like zipping around the city and eventually we managed to establish that like he didn't want to walk anymore. And that's why he was cross. And we're like, that's such a, why didn't you just say he didn't want to walk anymore? But I don't think he really, you know, it's all that sort of stuff. You're like, everyone's cross now and nobody knows why. And it turned out just to be like, you didn't want to walk anymore. And now we put you on a scooter and you're having a great time. And you're like,

oh, this is ridiculous. Like if people could just learn. And that's the thing. It wasn't that I don't think he knew himself why he was. It's that stupid thing of being like, nobody knows why we have, that's why everyone should go to therapy. So they're a bit better at being like, these emotions are coming up. Can I investigate them? Why is it happening? The take-home here is, just, you know, if your parents grumpy, try putting him on a scooter. Get your dad a scooter. But also as well, there's, you know, like, we all talk about, it's very fashionable to talk about, what's your love language, you know? But that is, can be translated to parents very easily, where it's like, there are some people stereotypically, it's the dad who's,

like, unable to show love. But what he does is, is he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, in his workshop. So the way you can show love to your dad is to just go and spend some time this workshop with him, handing him tools. Obviously, this is like hideously heteronautive. What I'm saying is this like, is using that the most clear example to be like, you can work out what makes your, so like, you know, for example, I worked out when my mom comes around, my mom wants to make me dinner clean up, do the dishes, be a mom to me.

Like she wants to do those things. And I'll be like, no, mom. I'll do it. No, mom sit down. I'm the grown up. Sit down. Stop doing. And that takes away the thing that brings her job. Obviously, she doesn't want me to just go home and just like be like a slop and just do everything for me. But like, but she wants to show her care in, in the way. It's like, it's like, when people like want to bring you a cup of tea, like you go to someone else's house. And I bought a friend to my family's like, like, extended family. And I was like, just take food from them if they give it to you. Like, just hide it somewhere. That's that, that's just, you don't,

I know you don't want a meringue. They're just. trying to show, like welcome you by saying, do you want a cup of tea? Do you want this? They want to, exactly what your mum is doing about being like, you're like, don't tidy for me. You make me feel like an infant. They're like, I want to show my love. Please. Ultimately, like, let people love you or comfort you or do the things they would like in the way that they want to do it and like, and just accept that like you're like, that's not what I want. And you're like, yeah, sorry. Like, let it happen. Yeah. And the moment you can identify. And obviously that's a very nice example.

But the more like your mom comes around and is tuna. She does too much stuff and she gives me too many presents. But what I mean is that like there are other things that you can find yourself being, you know, frustrated by, for example, or you could actually find out that, well, that's your parents way of like, you know, how do you, how do you communicate with your parents? How do you, how do you create a relationship with your parents where you have to look at what they respond to as well? They will respond to things that maybe you wouldn't respond to or they will respond to things

that you'd be like, well, why don't you just say, for example, why don't you just say you love mate rather than... Why, you just say you love me? Yeah. I just say you love me more. Or why don't you do this? Or why don't you talk more? Or communicate more, whatever.

But it's like, no, everybody is always communicating. You just have to figure out what their languages and how they are communicating. And also realistically, the relationship that you can have with your parents, maybe that is not a relationship. Maybe you can't. But if you are good, and it's a very depressing thing, but like a good way of deciding whether a grudge that you have or a thing is worth forgiving is to be like, well, if they just really engage in the fact that you get a call tomorrow and they've gone,

would you be devastated that you didn't try harder? Or would you be like, no, actually, I back myself. So if you'd back yourself, then great, you're doing great. Always worth checking in every few years to see if it's still going okay or if there's anything more you can do, great. But if you, if you're like, oh, okay, yeah, now I've got some stuff to, I'd, I'd feel devastated because I hadn't reconciled this or I had, I know that I don't call them enough or I know that our relationship just isn't good enough. Then now is the time to go, okay, well, what can I do? Don't wait for them. What can I do to make this relationship work on a way that I feel satisfied that I have the relationship I want with my parents, that I feel like I'm giving enough,

that they're getting enough. Because each stage is different. This is the kind of adult age. And then there's old, old person adult stage, which is a whole of the different kettle of fish that, you know, we will move into and it will be very difficult. But that is another stage where you have to kind of go, this relationship is now going to be different again. We all change again. It's all change. If you can, it's worth it always. Yeah. I just want to address two more things in Christina's thing about both.

I really think it's very funny that she was like, I'm married with a house and a cat. You know, it's like, I'm the grown-up now. I'm trying my best. And I think it's like they're never, ever going to see you as a grown-up. They can always be their baby. And the, you know, just, and it's that thing about like, what can you work on in you that's like, it doesn't bug me so much that they want to

treat me like a child. And I think bringing a partner into the situation just exacerbates the whole thing by tenfold, you know, because now nobody really knows how to behave. My younger sisters getting married and I really feel every, everyone's being very, everyone's so excited, but I really feel the sort of like dynamic shifting of like her being a married woman when she's clearly 10, you know, like what's, even I'm like, married? I'm absurd. Like, what are you talking about like you know it it came up the other day like whether she was going to change her last name and i could really feel that it hadn't occurred to any of us my immediate family that she wasn't going to be what a coach anymore you know that we were like and that felt like a huge thing of like

she wasn't going to have our last name you know it's really it's really really tough and and so just of accepting that everybody is coming at it from a different it's it's love manifesting itself in weird ways when it comes out in you know in different points of view and in different arguing thing and ultimately it's just like you just like you just have to you just have to you have to be like, is this a battle I want to fight or is it all right for me just to like get in the back seat and let this, you know, let this happen. And I've got one more thing. A friend at university, like when we first went home, he had this really lovely long hair and then like basically like shaved his head in a real grump like right before we went home for the holidays. And I was like,

what the hell are you doing? And he was like, every time I go home, my mom like tells me off and says I need to go to the hairdressers and says like, I must book you appointment with my hairdresser. And then I met the mum, much, much later, and she was telling me a story about her hairdresser. And I was like, oh, she doesn't want you to cut your hair. She loves her hairdresser, and she's really proud of you. And she wants her hairdresser to meet you. Like, that's what's going on here. Not that she's like, oh, you must cut that hair, which is how it sounds to you.

And she constantly says, like, can I book you an appointment with my hairdresser? She's obsessed with her hairdresser. She wants, and she always talks about you, and he's never met you. And she wants you desperately to meet her hairdresser. Maybe she, again, doesn't know her total truth. But if she had just been honest and been like, I would love you to meet my, I'd love him to meet you. I'm so proud of you.

Please will you go to my hairdresser? You'd be like, of course, crackers request. But of course I will go and meet your hairdresser. If it's only ever presented as, shall I book you a haircut? Shall I book you a haircut? You know, then of course it seems like your hair is shit. And you, my proxy, are also shit, you know? Yeah.

So you rock up with your pre-shaved head. So she can't, she can't say it, you know. Yeah. communicate, forgive, you know, accept that ultimately you're their baby and there ain't no, there ain't no getting out of this, you know. Yeah, but you are still able to say to them, you know, I really would love it if you, if you didn't say this or I would, this really upsets me. Everybody say your truths, you know. Yeah, and if you, and your parents won't. So you have to encourage them. And I crucially remember that they can't. And also my parents are listening and I love

you both. They listen every week. I love you too, guys. Also, of course, I love Debbie and Tom. Just like to, I've, I've remembered what a type of dancing. My dad did. Square dancing. Square, I have heard that. Thank you. I've been here the whole time thinking, can't be step dance. That can't be right. Step. Step. Step. My dad was in step up as a child. If you have any more episodes, the sort of episode ideas that you would like us to tackle, please do you can DM us on Twitter at Nobody PanicPod. Quick, Tessa, what's the email address? Nobody Panicpodcast at gmail.com.

Maybe this is the week that you take a step towards your mum and your dad. Build those bridges. And if you think, no, this river ain't, you can't even cross it. The river's too big. Not this relationship. Have a go. Have a go. Come on. And then if it really is, then that's also fair enough.

And yeah, absolutely. But at least have a little go and accept that you're not going to build it this afternoon. It's going to take a long time. But if you're prepared to put those first stone, down, you'd be surprised how big a bridge you can build. What a great note to end on. See you all next week, lads. See you next week, guys. Thanks for hanging out with us. Bye.