Nobody Panic - How to Go Away On Your Own

Episode Date: March 8, 2022

Stevie went away on her own for the first time in her life and tells Tessa what she learned. It was to get some writing done, but this advice will help anyone worried about going away alone. How will you know what to do? What if you do it wrong? Are there hidden cameras in the Airbnb??? All these will be answered (and more) (there are probably no cameras in the Airbnb don’t worry).Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Follow Nobody Panic on Twitter @NobodyPanicPodSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Nobody sort out things and learn new things every single week. My name is Stevie Martin.

My name is Tessie Coates and boy, oh boy, every week we learn, we sort, we fix. We do sort and fix. This is the podcast. Thank you very much for coming. And we teased this one in a previous episode, which was nice of us. Yeah, you did. We recorded quite a manic episode and immediately afterwards, Stevie was going away for the first time. I was going away.

The news resolution was to go away on my own for a week. And I picked a city that we'd gone to on the book tour. Buy our book, Nobody Panic. It was Bristol because we went to Bristol. I was like walking around being like, this is the nicest place of ever... This is the nicest city I've ever been to in my life. And I booked and went.

So I've actually done my news resolution now. So now I can just live like a slob for the rest of the year. We've really been on this journey with you, you know? You said you were going to do it. You've lost... In the previous... For years, you've discussed this... this, it's been sat on your shoulder, you know,

this like, I'm never weighing you down. You've never been away. Oh, I must, I must. And then New Year's, here it comes on the resolutionist. I was like, wow, good for her. And then, lo and behold, she's going. I'm going. I'm going to doing it.

I'm doing it. And I did it. It was, I was really excited. And so I cannot wait to hear what you've learned. I've got lots of tips. I've got lots of tips. Tricks. Do's don'ts.

Maves. Oh, hints and helps. And before we deep dive in. Should we do our adult thing of the week? I found out I'm allergic to my own dog. Okay. And it started off as being like, oh, a bit of fun. I've got this puppy.

My eyes are red like blood. And that's, and I was like, I can deal with that. Now they swell up. Like, you know when you see those things where it's like, don't dye your hair yourself and always do a patch test because you might end up like this person and that person's like got a conker for an eye. That's basically what I look like in the morning. And then it subsides around sort of midday.

but my eyes are still so gross that I can't actually put makeup on for the rest of the day and the only way I can is if I'm out the house for three hours and then my eyes go down and let them go to an event. So my adult thing is rather than spend the, so what, I got the dog in March

and I've been saying I had no idea that this was happening until my parents, my sister were like, what's going on with your face, champ? And I was like, what's going with your face? Nothing. I'm just getting older. This is what aging? is and I really wish you wouldn't bring this up.

And then about half an hour later, I'd gone into the fridge to like just get something. And when I was talking to my turn around, I had two jars of pesto on my eyes. And they were like, what are you doing? I was like, oh, these are my eye jars. They make my eyes feel comfortable. And they're like, and we refer you back to the previous conversation, what's going on with your face. And that's when I realized I had a problem.

And I've gone to the doctors and I've got some stuff. And no, no, it doesn't work. But what I'm going to do is, the adult thing is, is I did go. and I took pictures and brought them in and I, rather than just consistently being like, nothing's wrong, nothing's wrong, nothing's wrong. I'm just being a wimp. I was like, no, I'm going to sort it.

And then I've just booked another appointment to go again to sort it out rather than just being like, oh, it's a dog allergy, it's stupid. It's like, no, you can't see. What a shame. It's a real shame. And is it definitely, it's definitely a dog. It could not.

It's definitely piper. It couldn't be piper more yet. That's a blow. It's a real blow. I wanted a dog my whole life. And I've got a dog. I can't see my dog. So it's fine. Right. Let's go on to your adult thing of the... Mine is also actually one for the long time listeners.

Throughout the years I've been seeding this idea. Sometimes my adult thing would be... I had another row with the IRS. Yes. And I always think you're going to say IRA and then you say S. Yeah, I've got involved with the IRA. Always. And that's a surprise. No, I've got involved with the IRS. And then one time my thing was that they want a fax machine.

Yes. And I was like, this is insanity. It's not 1994. And then I was telling everybody, just in case they also were involved with the IRA, that you could do this online fax machine, you know. Anyone just tuning in is IRS, she's talking about. She is the IRS. And anyway, I had this ongoing battle in which I was trying to prove that I was in the right about something.

And they had made it as the purposefully, the American tax system is so in. I know we've recently come through our time. tax system if you're self-employed and doing your own tax return and it is so horrible to give your money away but may I tell you our HMRC my god it's that is a smooth ride you know that is it's designed to help you as best as possible it explains as best it possibly can the American system and if you are listening the American tax system you've made something dreadful it is purposefully made to be as confusing and as scary as possible so that people either say okay I'm out or they pay somebody else you know in a fortune to do this thing for them and so both

of those things happened one was that someone was like yeah I can fix this for you but it's going to cost you this much money I was like well that's absurd that's more than the IRS owe me and and the other one was I was like this is completely impenetrable and then we went through a pandemic and I was like listen I got time on my hands somebody's teaching themselves tax law so honestly for a year I would receive these letters. They'd be like, you haven't done this thing correctly. I would be like, yes, I have, here it is. But anyway, I went through this extraordinarily long process.

And last week, guess what came through the post? Oh, my God. A check from the American government. I screamed. It was, it was wild. It felt like it's such an intense process, and I was so unbelievably proud of myself. That's amazing.

For doing it. And I could not have, and I, thank you to the pandemic, because I really could not have done it without that extra time. And also just the sort of, sort of sense of self of being like, nope, I'm going to learn. I'm going to learn. And because each it would send you letters in which each word in the sentence I would have to Google, you know, and then I go back and it was like this, like that level of convoluted and like just so many reams of forms. But I did it. And I got the check. Let's get into it. Now at the beginning,

I would like your pre-feelings, you know, what you're feeling. My pre-feelings. It's such a good question. Thank you for guiding this. So I, perfect. feelings were, didn't want to go. So, booked it. Took me so long to find an Airbnb.

I went for an Airbnb. I knew the vague area that I wanted to live in. There was maybe like 12 to 15 Airbnbs that were within the price range but sort of pushing it a little bit. And I was a bit like,

oh, and I couldn't, I kept looking at me like, my heart doesn't have a writing bureau that overlooks the sea. None of them will, because the place that you've chosen isn't coastal. It's not the coastal area of Bristol. Also, very few Airbnb's, Arabemis have like a bureau desk that looks out over anything. Like you're there, you know,

you write on the sofa, Stevie, like you write in bed. And also I should say to the listeners that like a woman in a novel, Stevie had taken away herself to the sea to write. So sorry, it should have made that, I'm very clear. I'm not traveling. So if you're listening, thinking like, oh yes, how can I travel around Bali by myself? I can't tell you that. But what, because I'm very... No, I think the... the spirit and the essence will be the same. That's what I think. I think that because I'm starting off

from a very low level of like never having done it, yes, it's baby steps, but also I think you can extrapolate some of these things. Just in case people were like writing desk. Right, yes, number one. Yes, of course. Sorry, it's because I wanted to write. You were looking for something very specific, which was.

Yes, which was to write. But I wasn't going to be in this thing where it was like, you know, eight hour days of writing. So that was like the number one thing that I would recommend is to look up those lame articles or listen to episode, podcast episodes about it. So that even if you don't like learn anything

that you didn't already know already, you feel kind of like galvanised. Like, yeah, I am. Like how to go away on your own. I'm going to read more. And I read loads of them on the train there because I was like, well, it took be a long time to sort out there at Airbnb because I couldn't decide.

Then it just was like, just pick one that you like. So I picked, I went for one that looked really cool, very small. And I was like, I was like, oh, if it's too small. Like, what for like, essentially four days? Nothing is too small. You can, you can survive in any environment. Like, you'll be fine in a small place. Picked it.

And then, uh, on the train there and just getting there, I was just like dragging my feet like, this is actually going to be a disaster. I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I don't know what to do when I get there. But then when I arrived in the actual town and got the Uber and we're like going through the city, I was like, look at me in the city. And then I was panic reading loads of things that were like, how to do a DIY writing retreat, how to not go crazy when you go on your own, how to be on your own. Why aren't you okay being on your own?

Lots of those sorts of things. Unhelpfully, some of them were like, make sure you bring all of these things. I'm brought any of those things and I'm in Bristol now, so fine. But I still managed to have a great time despite not having, I don't know, brought like face masks or self-skirts. a scented candle or whatever. Right. You know, all the things that you're like, oh yeah, that would have been nice.

You can just buy them as well when you're there because there are shops in the place you're going. So very basic to start off with. Then, so I arrived at like 4pm at night on the first day. And my thing was that I wasn't going to write any more than I was going to try and aim for like four hours was going to, a day. Because I thought about it and thought, don't do the thing and this and you'll be thinking how is this going to help me because if I'm not

in a writing retreat you will have some element of yourself that we all need to fight against where you go if I go to another place I'll be like this and what will happen is you'll be the exact same person you'll just be in that place so I don't write solidly creatively for eight hour I can't I will do other thing I'll do admin mixed with creative writing because I can't I can't create for that long. I get tired, bored, my attention about wanders, my writing become shit, or my jokes aren't funny or whatever.

So it's like, don't think that when you go there, you'll get up at 8, 7, 7, 6 a.m. You'll rise with dawn, and you will start writing, and you'll suddenly become the sort of person that wants to, like, cook very elaborate meals for yourself. Know yourself. So it was like, okay, I'm going to, or to deliverer every night, or go out for dinner.

I'm going to, and also, and for lunch. I'm going to find a cafe nearby so I can do two hours working in the flat and then two hours working in a lovely cafe and we're talking like vegan cafe thing find it in Bristol there's a million so I was so lucky because it was like so nice and I found a really lovely place

and went there every day and also was like you don't worry if you want to have the same go to the same cafe every day obviously I was like but every day I should explore you can but also you just go to the same cafe because it's a really nice cafe and I like do a little revolve of all the coffees I'm going ahead of myself um first night

fucked it because I couldn't get to sleep because I was frightened that a man was going to come in and kill me okay okay and I was just convinced there's someone outside the door they've stopped outside the door they're going to and also then I was like no one can no one will be able to do anything because I'm on my own. Like, no one will know where I am. So I was like, I'll just quietly just email, you know, my sister and my boyfriend,

the postal code of where I am. And I was like, but they're so far away. They won't be able to do anything. And then that made me even more scared. And then I was like, I'll make it better by just like going on TikTok and just going on Instagram or whatever. Just forget and try and zone out.

And the, I'm not joking. The first thing that came up was a real, called How to Tell when your Airbnb has security cameras spying on you. So then I had to go around and like shine my torch line

all of the bulbs so that it would reflect on the lens and then I could you know raise this with I even downloaded some software scanned. This is at 3am.

Now what I learned now you might be thinking this isn't helpful what I learned from this What is the software scanning for? Okay it's scanning your the Wi-Fi router to see what else it has attached to that Wi-Fi router

because if it's got other things in there, that means that's very likely that they may have security cameras. Now, you know what? You might be listening thinking, well, I'm never leaving my house. There could be cameras there as well. No, especially if you're renting. You might be thinking, I'm never leaving my house.

The reason this was helpful was because my biggest, really my biggest fear, was that I would revert to what I often do, which is I become completely insomniac and then can't, well, I'm not working, I don't have to get up for anything. Even if that's 11am, I become completely nocturnal, very, very quickly. And I was like, I'm going to be nocturnal, and then I'm not going to do any work,

because I'm going to get up really late, and I'm going to feel all shit, and I'm going to be like, I've ruined it. And, ugh. So I went to sleep at, like, 7.30 a.m. Because I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep. And actually, I wasn't just Googling security cameras. This is just, like, an hour of it.

Most of it was me lying, like, listening to sleep meditations, listening to, I listened to, I pretty much all of Oprah Winfrey's podcasts she's ever done. I like, then I was like, maybe I should get up and write because this is what I'm here for and I was like, no, I don't want to do that now.

I ate like some meals. Like, it was a disaster. I then put my alarm on for like, I don't know, 11 and was like, it doesn't matter. So I got up and I was like, I'm quite tired and I was like, well, I was just going to get a coffee.

And then I went and got a coffee. And then I did some writing. I was like, I only have to do four hours of writing today. So it's actually okay. Even if I wasn't writing, I could have got up at like, you know, two in the afternoon. So, like, the joy of it is that, like, I don't have to feel guilty. That's the whole point that I'm away is that I can act and anything can happen.

I can behave in whatever way I choose to or even if I try not to, I can still not sleep. And in my normal life, that would be a disaster and I would have to cancel stuff and I would feel guilty about stuff. Whereas this is my time to give myself a break. So what I did was I just gave myself a break. And I didn't, and then I let go of like all of that kind of, oh God, but I've had a coffee now too. Like all of that shit that is constantly in my brain. And so I immediately went and had like a really lovely breakfast at this cafe. I wandered around this lovely bit of Bristol in Clifton and then came back, wrote it to my leisure for a bit.

And because I've forgiven myself, forgiven myself for the crime of not doing going away on my own properly, which is the relatable bit I think, which is like you can get there and be like, but I should want to go out on my own and have dinner. I'm a bit frightened. Oh, I had a takeaway. Oh, I failed. You're like, no. Or I haven't explored the city enough.

I got that. I just napped. Like, that's another thing. Like, you know, I arrived at 4pm, napped, woke up at 9 and was like, I've absolutely fucked it. But I haven't because fucked what? Like, no one's there to see me, apart from all the people's spying on me. Apart from them. Or from them.

And I will say it's very unlikely that that will happen. I did a lot of research into it, you're fine. Then as it continued and as it went on, I went through like, different stage. Like the first day was just, I was sort of a client, there was a lot of standing around being like, what do I do now? Because the options are so, because I'm so used to, and we've talked about on this podcast, this is becoming a monologue now, so I'll stop in a minute.

But like, we talked on this podcast so much about how, you know, we both struggle to know what we want, like, even just for dinner. So like if someone's going, what should we do for dinner? You go, oh, what do you want to do? Oh, that does sound good. And then you just do it. or occasionally you'll like throw in a suggestion but I think considering what I was like when I went away I think I do that much less than I think I do because I the simplest decision paralyzed

absolutely paralyzed needed at one point almost I actually did I text my boyfriend to say like I'm considering Thai or a pizza which you think I should have he's like I don't know I should know he didn't text back because he was at the cinema and I was like oh my god well I'm going Thai and it was amazing And there was one night where I wanted to go out for dinner, but I was a bit nervous to go out for dinner because I felt like maybe I'd be alone and feel weird. So I got a takeaway and then was like, no, I really should have gone out for dinner.

It's okay, I'll go out for dinner the next night. Then I went out for dinner the next night and had a lovely time. And then I had one glass of wine and got absolutely trashed on my accident because the glass of wine was really big. And I hadn't drunk in a while. And walked back and was just a drunk woman on her own. Chris walking back. And just being like,

oh, the slides, the times, got back, put on a Beyonce playlist, danced in my pants for about 45 minutes, just very violently. Then I did a makeup tutorial

on myself, drunk, and then went to sleep at probably about four in the morning. The point was, is that, like, I got what I needed to get out of it by default by just going. So nothing could have had,

I couldn't have done anything that would be wrong that would mean that that was not a successful trip apart from being mean to myself about it. Less of a question more of a comment. Yes. My comment was simply that I think you've touched on a vital thing, which is the learning experience, which is like obviously you weren't going to get there and have,

I mean, it does sound that you've had a very transformative experience. Genuinely, it was spiritually transformative. Transpiritally transformative. But I think not in the way that you imagined, which is like you'll go to a club on your own and you'll run into this guy and then you'll go on a sort of heist and then you'll be watching the sun come up over Bristol

and then you'll get inspiration for the novel and then he'll say you want to go on the boat and you go on the boat or whatever you... Yeah. Whatever people imagine when they think like I'm going away on my own. Like this transformative experience is simply like oh here I am getting in touch with myself

and they're like what do I actually want to eat and do and what is my time schedule and what do... And if no one needs me, What time do I want to go to sleep? And there's nothing wrong with having a nap at 4pm or waking at night or being awake at 3am. Like all of these things are totally acceptable and okay and I don't need to beat myself up. And I'm not doing this right or there is no right and wrong. There is only this trip and I'm in charge.

Well, now I know what I like, yeah, now I know what I do when I'm alone. When you're alone. And I think that's a really crucial thing. It's like you've come all this way in your life without, without touching into that side of yourself. And I think it's the main thing is this like learning thing of being like, okay. Okay. We've got the paranoid stage. We know that's happening.

We know this phase. Hello. And I was listening to it and I was like, oh yeah. Oh, oh, ain't nobody not being there, baby. Oh, good. Okay. Oh, I know how, I know everything. I know how to check for cameras.

I know how to check for listening devices. I know how you check for a double-sided mirror. Oh, yeah. I like to that as well. Do you touch the thing? You touch the thing. So everybody listening, you're thinking, yes, what is it? And some of you are like, I know as well.

You touch the glass and if your finger it touches, there should be a space between your finger and your mirror finger and if there is not, get the hell out. So like that is absolutely par for the course. They're like the paranoid check of everything. Check under the bed. Check for the stuff. Check for everything. And then when you've done it a few times, you're like, yep, this is just this phase

and this bit where my heart is like, oh my God, let's go the fuck home. And then you crest because your body is just like, this is all new, you know, let's get out. And then you crest through it. And you're like, oh, yeah, I remember it passes. And then you're like, okay, good for the next time. I need to be not on the ground floor, maybe. I need to be a bit higher. I need to make sure I have a whole flat to myself.

Yes. I need to make sure I can, the locking system is important. I know what to look for now on the Airbnb listings. It isn't going to be like the first time I did it. That was the best time. It's like, how sad if it was. It's like the first time is just the first time on the way to being like, okay, now I'm really, now I'm really getting it.

Well, I want to book it again, like immediately. Immediately. And also I did things as well. that I thought would be helpful that weren't. For example, I, because I, on the first evening, because I was so like, oh, ah, I also it's quite sweet, actually. I didn't realize I was doing it at the time, but there was an M&S, like, nearby. There's lots of, like, supermarket, so by, I chose an M&S because, and went and got this,

just for the first night to get food. And when I came back and ate it, I realized it was the same, because I was an MNess near my actual flat in London, is the same meal that I'd eaten the last pretty, you know, the last previous three nights in London, but it was like, like, from the same place, I was like normality and, like, just nothing different. And it was like, and then when I, by the time I left, I was like, I've really wasted that first night. I could have had like, another of those great pizzas that I found. But I also, because I was like, just so, like, I guess now I go for a week. Like, even go for a week. I have a shower now, do I? It was all very, like, strange,

because there was no one to say, yeah, cool, let's do that. I put on Instagram that I was in Bristol and like if anyone had any suggestions for places in Bristol. And I did it and I got lots of really great suggestions. But then at the same time I felt a little bit like, well also as well, I did go to like two or three pubs that somebody had suggested. And all three of them like one like didn't serve wine. One was really rude to me when I walked in. And then the other one was like too far. And I was like,

oh. And also what I did was I, rather than listen to myself and what I wanted to do, I then just replaced that with social media and got loads of people to tell me what to do. And actually by the first day, I was like, I'm actually not going to look at anything. I did go to, I did think about some of those. But then I was like, no, I'm not going to look at them. I'm going to try and find my own places because then that beats the point of, beats the object of me, learning how to fucking decide what to eat.

shall I have Thai or pizza is so funny Stevie that is like I mean that and him and him me like I don't know and also I've gone to the cinema like I don't I don't know what you should eat you're just like two hours later and was like I really hoped I really hope you've made that decision and you've not waited for me to message you back but it's like it's so I understand it 100% because you're if you're just so not in tune and you're so used to being you're being like whatever because that is the thing I don't think it's that we're people who have like secret desires and we don't say them it's just that we're just like how happy to be here. I don't really mind, you know.

I genuinely don't care. Yeah. I don't mind. And like, you know, and if you've got a big passion, I'm here for it. And so it's so hard then to be like, what, what for me now? Yeah. What for me now? And did you, did you get into it by the end of the excitement of what for me now? Yes. Then when I came back, I was like, oh no, I just want to do the what for me now. Like, what? I've got to do this because you're going to work and I've got to do. No, I don't want any responsibility, please. That was actually quite sad when I came back for like a few days just because I was like, it's the, it's the Saturday feeling, but all the time when you are like, oh,

it's Saturday so I can just do whatever like. And it's the secret feeling as well of when you're a bit hung up even though now my hangovers are so bad that I pray for death, but the hangover thing of like, well, I'm hungover. So, you know, oh, oh, Christmas. Oh, oh, tap out of work. Oh, what? I'm shit. And my job in. December so is everyone ha ha ha ha or like it's pouring with rain it's pouring with rain yeah so now we don't so it's it's too sunny so like well it's too sunny we went to the park you know it's that sort thing well the two sunny thing for me i always whenever it's sunny i'm always like i should be i should have organized um a trip to the beach always and i'm so disappointed with myself for not having done it

and i never have done that so you can imagine how disappointed i haven't been the summer months constantly but that feeling of what yeah what that question of what do i want to do today it's just so i i think i got like high on that feeling because i was just like i'm so thrilled it's so good and and there was just there was um a very limited and i think this is kind of might be helpful just regardless of whether you've got writing or to do or whatever it's i found it helpful to have at least one thing a day that i wanted to achieve so whether that is if you're just on your own and you're in a cool, you're on holiday or whatever, that could be like, I want to try a new dish that I haven't had before.

Like something like that. It's all very food-based, it appears. But like, or I'm going to go for a walk. That's the one thing I'd like to do today is I'm going to go for a walk. And then you get that, because we're so programmed. Capitalism, sure. Programs, as I think massively to just feel, to always want to be achieving goals.

And I am so addicted to that. Like, I have to achieve goals all the fucking time. and it's exhausting. And going to, going being on my own showed me just how bad I am actually in real life. But also it helped to ease myself in to, it sounds like, well, you know, you get rid of all the goals. But you can't help your brain and how it's been trained. So to almost refocus the goals to like nice things, it was like, it was just so nice because it was, I got the same feeling of having achieved something without any stress, any pressure.

and I just did nice stuff. Like, at one point I was like, God, I've got to find the ultimate grilled cheese sandwich. It's like what I wanted to do. And I also refused and I was not allowed to put a time on what I said. I have to stop writing now. There was none, I wasn't like, I could do anything. And it was, and it actually meant that I actually did actually get loads of stuff done

because of the lack of pressure and because going, I haven't after this, I'm going to have the ultimate grilled cheese sandwich. At one point I thought when I'd had the one glass of wine and I was walking back, I was like, I'm going to go into a bar and just ask for a martini. Walked up and down this road, it was like, I can't go into any of these bars. I'm too nervous. Went home, fine, fine, fine, just to go home. But can we circle back to what the nerves were of the martini?

I think it was just I wasn't, I, you know, look, first time out and about by myself, I'd achieved quite a lot that week. Absolutely. You've got a grilled cheese. I couldn't, that was just, that was just, in that moment, it was too much for me. Absolutely. All I could think of was, I kept looking in, well, I kept looking in, I was like looking and be like, I don't know.

Like I just thought of my just walking and be like a martini please. And then it's like, and then what? It's like, well, you just drink the martini? Yeah. And I was like, but what? But I'm scared. Do you have a book with you at any point? I didn't have a book.

And also as well, I was drunk. So I was like. Sure. You don't need to ever, if I may, you don't ever need to read the book. You just have it. You just have the book. And if you put the book on the bar and you order a martini, everyone's like, that's a woman with a book and a martini.

You know, the book is just a lovely little, and we replace it with phones these days but a book is just a lovely buffer that's like I'm not on my own I'm with this book and then you can just sit and people watch and just be and whatever that's for next time I'm going to go again

that's for next time and my one thing to achieve will be to A not be fully insomniac for the entire thing but also maybe it's too much pressure if that's way too much pressure if that is what you want to do and if that's what happens I don't want to do but that's like

I forgive myself I forgive yourself myself yeah you're right yeah yeah i should forget that let's put let's pop those little goals in of like it's a martini in a bar it's a martini in a bar yeah don't i've i've just see like how easy it is to fall into your traps when you literally sat here on a podcast saying how you should always forgive yourself and you should never set things that are like i'm there and then immediately go the next time i i will sleep well no not helpful for me it doesn't matter it's perfectly possible that you won't yes i think if we look at the evidence it's very likely that you won't yeah so i think like it's like

yeah and that the self-forgiveness thing and this is why like i've really been like championing this in you for many years like i started in a much easier place than i know you did just just we were i was just born more content on my on my own and so i was a content child with my own company i think because i was fucking weird just so i hadn't really crossed my mind and i didn't feel loneliness than you know everyone were you sure you weird no i've said i'll say before i'll say again before I knew Tessa. Anyone was saying? I'd heard of this girl who just started a Quidditch League at Durham.

And I remember specifically singing or saying out of my mouth, imagine the confidence to just start that and be like, I'm going to just start that and I didn't give a shit. Because it's so cool, but I would be so like, but what if no one comes? What if nobody turns up to my Quidditch tournament? Yeah. And you were like, I don't, and who cares if it, yes, okay,

had its challenges, but it doesn't matter. You did it. So that's what I'm saying. Spent a lot of my student loan on the uniforms. I've got the uniforms made and they were embroidered the university critically. Anyway, so I was just saying that I, so I already came from it. I started, I started from a small solid base then I know, see if it did, less for a challenge for me. But when I was 18, I was traveling on my own in Cambodia and in Cambodia. But it's specific that was in Cambodia. And I had been traveling with other friends and then I was like doing bits on my own and meeting it with other people. So I didn't just like set off all alone. This is my first, like, little, this is my first ever stint properly, like, by myself. And I've been really into it. I loved meeting people, like being by myself. And then as I was sitting at the bus stop waiting to go south, I meet these boys that I had met the night before. And they were like, oh, it's you, you know, blah, blah, blah.

And then they were like, where are you going? I was like, I'm going south. And then they were like, we're going north. Like, do you want to come? And I was like, yeah, I do. And that electric moment, incidentally, nothing very fun happened when I went north. And I backtracked and went south. Like nothing good happened going north.

But that moment of somebody saying, do you want to do this. And I didn't have to ask anyone's permission. I didn't have to, I wasn't rushing for anything. I didn't have a deadline to me. I didn't have a flight to be on. I was totally free.

And the only person I had to check in with whether I wanted to go north was me. And like I can see myself now. I'm like sat on my backpack in the middle of this, of this car park and they say, they say, do you want to go north? And I say, yes. And I was like, that isn't that.

I was like immediately addicted to that. That is freedom. That is freedom of just being like, I only have to check with me. And I do. And incidentally, mistake. Nothing good there. We've got to cross off your list. They were wrong.

But it was just the excitement of being like, I can. And that is what I've always like wanted to give to you to be like, you can just do and be like, I'm getting grilled cheese or I'm up here. And it doesn't matter. And no one's checking in on me or telling me or I don't have to report to anybody else or be on anyone else's time or care about their opinion. of me like I if I want to stay for eight hours in this museum I can no one's being like should we go to the music should we go to the gift shop should we go and get a drink you're like I want to look at this piece of art or if you're like this art is dog shit I want to go to a bar you know like you don't have to you do you and I think that is just such an important powerful thing that I

just I hope that everybody can go through at some point in their life well if I could do then literally anybody can do and I will preface it was saying that there was as well like maybe one or two points where you just said they're like you know oh god you you saw this dog show, I want to go to a bar. There was one point where I was like, oh, I really want to just like go to a bar with some pals and chat all night. I can't. But then in those instances, like, what I did was when I had,

because I bought a really nice bottle of wine for myself to have, but I actually ended up not really drinking because I was too drunk after that one glass that had in the pizza place. But I zoomed my sister or called my sister and, like, chat to her. And like, that kind of like mitigated it. But also I was like, yeah, of course, I, there'll be a point where I want to, you know, hang out with a group of pals and get drunk and go to a party. I can't do that because I can't actually do that because I don't know anyone here.

But what I'm gaining from it in other ways is so, it's like I can do that in London at home. Like I, like so whereas I can't, I, all of these other experiences I'm having, I can't have when I'm in my house. I just can't, you can't have them. So there's always going to be a little moment of like a little wobble or a little like, oh, I don't know, maybe I am bored. and that's fine, like, being, being like, I'm actually quite bored. Like, it's all like, oh, I did pick the wrong thing for dinner. Like, that's fine. Forgive yourself.

If you make a mistake, you do something you don't really want to do, or you, you know, you, yeah, you, what's up your partner being like, just left tie or pizza. Like, oh, come on. No, forgive yourself, move on, laugh at it and then pick. Forgive yourself, learn from it. Next night, you'll know. Yes. It's tie or whatever.

Yeah, and forgive yourself. And, yeah, and make peace with the version of, yourself you thought you were going to be on this trip and the version of yourself you actually are in reality and then forgive yourself for it yes thank you to everybody that messaged me by the way on Instagram immediately going you did your user resolution because that made me really happy that people a listen to the podcast and B had actually remembered that so that so that's very sweet and thank you so much I'm really

really proud of you thank you so much tessa and normally I hate when people say like if I can anyone can I'm like F you but I truly believe you when you say that seriously if I can anyone yeah I truly I'm like, yeah, completely fair play. And I really, it's really brave of you what you did. And I'm so, so glad. And it sounds like you really did a lot of, it was a big old journey in there.

It was a big old journey. And I'm so glad for you to go again and get that martini. I'm going to go and get that martini. So if you ever see me out on my own with martini in a city that you didn't think I lived in, don't approach. Or do. Or do. Or, actually, you know what?

Fucking do. Yeah, come to say hi. I will love that. But yeah, thank you so much. And if you, we've had a couple of DMs about future episodes that we're going to, we're going to go through. So we are getting to you. I just was too excited to tell you about my week away.

Do, if you want to support the podcast, patron.com slash nobody panic. We do, we do some juicy behind the scenes. See, we're calling them sort of Cave of Wonder episodes. Like, you haven't really worked it out yet. It's quite nice. It's quite nice. A lot of secrets. Oh my God. A lot of, yeah.

There's some hot, hot secrets. X-rayed secrets. There's some book recommendations. There's some culture stuff. There's some secret Q&A's. There's stuff in there. You know, come and join us. Come and join.

If you have any suggestions, please do email us at Nobody Panic Podcast at gmail.com. The Twitter is Nobody Panic Pod. Stevie is Stevie M and the S is a five. Tessa is Tessa is. No numbers. Just letters. And that's us. Go away.

on your own. Go away. Do it. Get out of here. If you've got a top tip about being on your own, please do message us. And I hope this gives you some hotspot in your engine and you think, yeah, I'm going to do it. Off a go. Off I go.

And off we go. And off we go. Goodbye, everyone.