Nobody Panic - How to Go to a Festival

Episode Date: July 10, 2018

Stevie (hates festivals) and Tessa (loves festivals) talk camping, snacking and why you always need to get a bigger tent.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. What are you up to this weekend? You're going to Latitude.

We literally just talked. Hey Tessa, where are you going this weekend? Oh, you'll never guess, Stevie. Is it Latitude? Yes, it is! Oh, I guess. You know what? What?

I'm going to! Oh, my God. So we thought we'd do a podcast on how to survive a festival. Yeah. It was recommended to us on Instagram from Emily. So thank you, Emily. Hello, Emily. Hello, Emily.

And she says, how to survive a festival? And I was like, we ready. Yeah, I mean, I'm obviously. not ready because I, but I can, like, I can say what not to do maybe, because I basically hate festivals, but you really like them. So I think this is a really, really great balance. Absolutely. But neither of us have been to Glastow. Is this a, is this true? True fact. True fact. So, some would say, we haven't been to a festival. No, some would say we've never truly done it. But others would say you've been to a festival, so you have, you know? Absolutely.

Absolutely. Just some real profundity from me there. Also, the podcast is called Nobody Panic. Yes. And I, and I, you got here by now? I panicked when I found out. I love Lattitude, by the way, absolutely. It's the only festival that I, when all the festivals were just clamouring for me to do my, to do my unknown, unknown solo show that no one's seen. I actually did turn down too.

Did you? Yes, because I absolutely, I don't, I don't like it. But Lattitude is such a great place to do it. If I'm going to go to one, I will go to Lattitude. Saying that, I'm leaving immediately after my show. Are you staying the night? No. I'm not an idiot

but I have been loads and I stayed the whole weekend and I feel like I can bring the whole like guys take cystitis medication for example for example

for example nobody wants to be going to that Lou 20 times and a night I'll tell you that for free no before we get into the podcast though really excited and before Latitude

July the 11th which I think is Wednesday and me and Tessa are doing both of our Edinburgh shows together in South London. We always do North London. We've never done it together. But say if we'd had, we would have done them in North London. South London, in Streatham Space Project, which is just by Streatham Hill Station. So if you're in that area and you want to

come and, you want to come and have a laugh and see me and Tessa and see what we're doing for our Edinburgh shows and absolutely come on down. Yeah, do the double double. Then you're like, tick, slouched it out in one night. Exactly. It's sort of like when you have two birthday parties and you're like oh that's so annoying but also so great because I can just do that in one go rather than having to have both weekends not down I think people should get married in bulk some thoughts okay good idea yeah helpful to such a few number of people me at the way yeah so if you had like three of your pals getting married at the same time the chances are that any that was helpful for anybody else is so low it's very true isn't it if it was like you had to do everyone had to have

their wedding over like four weekends then you could like I'm all for it it's falling apart yeah okay so what if it was just like wedding weekend if you want to get married you had to go to this one space yes just did professional weddings all the time it's like Vegas it's like one in one out everyone has a big party everyone's there for that whole week everyone's like you're going to wedding weekend of course I'm going to wedding weekend I've got four weddings plus I'm getting married you know so everyone's like yeah let's all come we're all just there cracking through then I think there's like a massive party but in a a place where like over there like you can like congregate with your wedding party you know it's a

dreadful idea but it is something that I wish could happen anyway that's what we're offering here yes we're offering me and Tessa getting married on the same day but yes come and come and say hi if you fancy it you can just go on either of our Twitter or Instagram or social medias and and find it just find it just find it guys you'll find it it's just you can look it up Stratham Space Project. They're really, really great and they're doing at a comedy festival. Right. So before we... Deep dive, jump in the tent, get in the mud. I'm getting hot just thinking about being at a festival. I'm getting cystitis just thinking about being at a festival.

Oh, I love it. Oh, yes. What is the adult thing that you've done this week? Well... If any. So I thought I'd throw some sass in. Such good sass. What a burn. It's quite hot. It is hot, guys. Are we hot? Yes. Hands up with your heart. Limp...

Producer Chloe put her hand on. Everyone just like limply raising their hands. You're like, it's, oh. It's too hot, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We've reached, we don't know how to do this heat in this country. We don't have outdoor pools. We don't have aircon.

All the grass is burning. The grass is burning up. I've run out of like fun, sort of like cropped trousers that I can get away with using for someone now. I've been wearing this dress as well, you know. She has. It's a delightful dress. It's all right, but it's. And every time's a joy.

But I'm, it just make me aware that you don't have anything else. It's really doing its time. Yeah. Yeah. I've, uh, yep. Yeah. Yes. Summer.

It's a tricky one. Right. I'm loving it, but boy, is it hot. Anyway, my adult thing is I was and have been inspired by our own work. Again. I was so inspired by our plastic podcast because I, I don't think I really appreciated the extent to which like the straws are there for, like, the, it's there forever element. Yeah. And I think we, our generation maybe grew up so hot on the like, don't litter.

And that was what, like, Sesame Street was all about. put it in the bin because then it all get sorted out. Yeah. It was that's so much our thing. So we're like, we put it in the bin, tick, gold star. And now we're like, oh my God, the bin is the bad blade. And we're like, oh, whoa, now what? And so I realized just the sheer extent to which I drink smoothies and like, you know,

I get a store. Post-L.A. Tessa is really hitting that smushed fruit. Oh, she coming in hard on those smoothies. Like going real cold turkey here. It's been very expensive. And I realized like the extent to which I'm like, oh, a snack, you know? And they're like just how much. plastic there is everywhere. I eat sandwiches with straws.

Yeah. It's so detrimental. So things I have done, one, just discovered that Seattle have banned, the city of Seattle has banned plastic straws and plastic cutlery, which is incredible. A way to go. It makes me feel very excited and hopeful. Two, I bought a Tick, Tick, Tick, T silver, extendable straw. It's not... Something's a clock. Or a bomb.

I was trying to go to, it goes like this. Like it opens out. Oh, an extendable straw. Extendable straw. Extendable straw. It's not actually like silver. So you'll be the girl the party. He's like,

I've got my own straw. Yeah, well, mostly I'm the person at, because now a lot of smoothie places don't put it in for you. You put it in. The straw is there for you and the person like looks at you

to be like, are you gonna put that in? But it's like got the lid on so you're like, I literally don't know what to do. Yeah, because they have that dome on the top. To put your mouth over? I put my mouth over it. I put my mouth really big and just tip it back. Like, what do you want me?

I mean, I want that, but I don't think you want that. Yeah. And I did think about it. Yeah, of course. Great, okay, so they've got on board by not offering, it would be nice if they offered me a corn, like a, you know, you can make it out of corn now. Rice paper or. Yeah, like rice paper.

You can do all sorts of kinds of things. It would be cool if they did the work for me. But they haven't. Fine. So, I've bought myself one of those straws. I'm so great. And then, uh, Britter was so, uh, inspired by our work. Yes.

Right. Uh, we got sent, uh, some water bottles. Reusible plastic water bottles that have a Britter filter in them. That have a filter in them. That have a filter. in them and so Stevie's always banging on about Britta, her, but critically her water bottle and I always feel so ashamed.

I know. Now I'm a girl with a water bottle that goes with me everywhere. I feel so smug and we got some t-shirts that said single-use plastic is never fantastic. Yes, which are made from No, I thought they were just great t-shirts. No, they were created in partnership with Henry Holland and they are made

using about seven plastic bottles and a bundle of salvaged cotton to make each one. Oh my God. You can get them online, so go and find them, they're amazing. But yes, thank you so much, Britain. And you're very adult with your adult water bottle. Right? How good we like this week?

Very good. What have you got? Okay, so I'm going to show you something. Oh, wow. It's a real show and tell this. It's not this. Okay, it's the shoes come out first, guys. This is so exciting. It's not mason jars.

It's got a mason jar in there. Of course you have. I went to a charity show today. One millennial. It is. This is thrilling. It's a tote bag that I keep in my bag. Yes.

Because my friend has recently bought a dog at a poodle named Heidi. It's the best dog in the world. And she bought a collar for the dog. And the dog is so small that the collar was too big. And she got a free tote. And she's like, do you want this tote? And I was like, oh my God. It's got dogs all over it.

That will be the tote that will never leave my satchel. And it is. And I use it for the first time the other day. And I literally heard your voice going, what do you do? Yeah, you don't put it back in your bag. And I was like, I'm going to put it back in. And you put it back in your bag. I'm back in my bag.

Doesn't need any more discussion, if we're honest. That's fantastic. Thank you. Oh my God. We are two sweating ladies, nothing this out the park. Two sweaty old ladies. Too sweaty old ladies. Right.

So, festivals. Tessa, do you like festivals? I love a festival. I've loved a festival since we all sort of trotted off to a Reading festival age 14. I was 17 at my first festival. That's quite young. Yes, it is. Great.

There's no judgment. It was just like, oh. Yeah. I'd like a compliment, but... So, I have got through most of my life by having cool friends, often with cool older brothers. So I think if I'd been left to my own devices, I would never have gone anywhere or done anything.

But people had... I wouldn't be here now. I certainly wouldn't be here now. You hadn't carried me here. But I had at certain at school, a lot of people was like, cool older brother and off we were going to Reading Festival. And I was like, yeah, well, I'm in.

So great. But I would never have suggested it. and was really just really taken with them straight away. I think I love, like, I love, like, crowd mentality. I love, like, something about this, like, I love, like, turning around to look backwards at the crowd, all going berserk and just, like, seeing the sheer number of people and being like, oh, we're all so stupid.

Humans are so dumb. We all think we're unique, and here we've come to be, like, exactly the same. I know. I love a mosh pit. Like, I just love, I just love the, like, sheer sort of, like, rawness of, like, a festival. But I also really like I genuinely like camping I like being outside

I like camping, I do enjoy camping But do you not Now obviously the answer to this question is no But I'll just I'll formulate my own opinion in the question Absolutely Do you not feel that by the So you've had your first night

And that's fun And the day and you're like Okay, I've been at the second day Alright second night drunk again third day Do you not want to leave? Certainly So it can be quite overwhelming

Yes that to do the full arrive on like Thursday morning or Wednesday morning and leave on my day. So I'm absolutely yes. Right. We're on the same page with that. 100% yes. Okay. Sometimes it's nice, you know, just to arrive early on Saturday morning, leave late on Sunday night, even just stay for one night.

Because I think the point that it becomes like too much is when you're like, oh my God, it's this. It's this for so long. Yes. And you can't see the end point. And you're like, oh, I think I was born here and that I'll die here. Yeah. Okay. And also, we're not young.

When you're young, you're such an idiot and you like go to a party with like no pyjamas, you know? Like you go to a house party just in the clothes you stood up in, you sleep like on the patio and you just get up and like go again the next day. Like you're an idiot and you have, but now we're like excuse me, where's my memory phone pillow?

Like where's my staff? This is true. You know, you just need so much more things. Whereas when you're young you're like, yeah, fun and you... But I also, even when I was young, I had a point where I was like, oh I've packed poorly for this past... Oh my goodness, yeah. And I always used to think I'd packed okay.

And then I'd get them and be like, oh, well, that person's, of course, I didn't bring chairs. Yeah. Well, chairs is, that's advanced. That's like gold award. I think people, I think if you're going in a massive group, there'll be someone who's got camping chairs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. From their mom or something. And you're like, that is impressive.

And then I think you need, because even not camping chairs, but like, just things like, just something to sit on when you're not in your tent. Oh, yeah, definitely. And I don't ever think about that. Or like, I never used to bring a pillow because a pillow is like so bulky and takes up loads of it. But then you're like, well, now I've got my tent. my head on my bag so oh should I come in now with a tip on this yeah so don't bring a pillow bring a pillow case that's amazing so bring a nice clean pillow case stuff it with your clothes oh so great not your dirty clothes like they're not the ones they've just bombed on or even like put your

backpack inside it like even anything just to be like oh that's made all the difference that's interesting clean pillow case don't bring a pillow up and a blow up someone else said you should never go without a blow up airbed yeah because i never did again and so you're like how's everyone doing this like i can just feel the soil and the ground and the the wet earth. When we were 17, we went to Roskilde, which is this Danish festival. It's the biggest festival in the world. Isn't it Copenhagen? It rained.

We were there for so long, like seven days. That makes me feel like I'm going to... Looking back at it, it makes me feel sick. Absolutely. There are still... We had, like, a really, really funny, fun time. Yeah. You know when something is, like, sort of awful and you have, like, quite a funny time.

Yeah. Yeah, it rained solidly. It rained so much that some people's whole camping areas were washed away and people were camping like in the arena. Like in the, let me have been like the radio one tent. But you couldn't go in there, of course, until the music had finished. So people couldn't go to sleep until like four o'clock in the morning. Oh my God.

It rained like so solidly. There was earwigs in our tent. Like it was just, yeah. But it was like I look back on it with like nothing but sort of, it was just very funny. That was my main takeaway. There was never this like moment. of like, oh my God, no.

Well, I think that's a good point, and that's like a good, like, it's not really a tip, but it's more of like a perspective. So even though I have now, in my, like, ancient age, realize, you know what, Stevie, you need to stop going to festivals because every time you go, you don't enjoy it, and it's silly that you're doing this. But I look back on those, like, two times I went out of the, I think I've been to festivals, maybe like 10 times in my life.

Like, two of the 10 were so great. And it was worth trying. out all those 10 to get those two moments when they were just so fun if you ever like oh maybe i'll like that then do go to one yeah because don't get frightened off by me in the show so i think like even in those like if you're there for three days whatever there will still be there will be moments like literal moments that stick with you for the rest of your life yeah they're like oh my god remember that time we saw this or we saw this band or this happened or we met these people like you just because there's so many people in such a space short enclosed area or up for having a good time like

you just will fall into seeing amazing stuff. And I think sort of chancing across something in like a wood or being like, did you know there was this like bit or there's this circus area or it's like finding something and like, you know, it's those sort of amazing. Whittling a spoon? I'm always whittling a spoon. Constantly. So coming in to hot with some hot, hot, hot, bearable tips. I've got some hot bearable tips too.

Go. No, you go first. No, you go first. Okay. You come in hard with some hot tips. Don't back out now. I'm prepped. So my one, because this one comes from deep,

experience is by a bigger tent. So, I know. Go on then. No, you tell stories way better than I do and I wasn't there. So absolutely, your time. I'd left because I, we didn't, me and Tessa and our friend Liz did a show in Atlatitude, which was absolutely lovely. And I left and I couldn't get, at Latitude, you can't get the shuttle bus out of the festival

on Friday on the first day. So I didn't realize this. I also didn't realize that if you're performing, you can. asked the artist liaison to quote your cab, didn't realize that. So I spent four hours walking across countryside trying to find a road and then eventually like crying and calling my dad and being like,

please can you book me a taxi? I don't know where I am. And in the meantime, Tesla and Is it and I was like there's so much more adult than I am, you know, they're staying and having a great time which they did have a great time but this happened. So I, we decided

we were going to camp. I took myself off to a big camping store any you fancy sell your own brand and bought myself a two-man tent Wilkinson's Why not?

Is that a camping store? I don't think so but it could be Edinburgh Woolen Mill I know myself to the Edinburgh Wooden Mill I'm so sorry but if either of those

are to sponsor us and tell us what you are please do go on We're all in for you oh my God if we were sponsored by the Edinburgh Woolen Mill I mean now it wouldn't be great but in winter

all bid it So I'd be thrilled went off said hello I'm here for a two-man tent they sold me one it was honestly like 1199 and it came with that was the first red flag

red flag and you know what I ignored it because it was cheap I saw that flag and I battered it down and I could carry it it and oh my word I was walking like the proudest lady in town being like I was actually like I've got a tent it was light and it was like I carry it on my shoulders and I was like because our tent

my family's tent comes in like canvas bag like you're the scout leader and it takes like four people to get out of the attic and then like eight days to assemble so I'm like I'm obviously not taking that thing I hate it in retrospect in retrospect I see now why and anyway so I just remember thinking like I'm a lady with a tent like I could stop now keep saying I'm a lady with a 10 so which makes me think you genuinely were thinking in your head I'm a lady with a 10 of course I was so thrilled I was like I can go anywhere I was into like the world is my oyster I will go to the assigned place yeah sure I'll go there but where next so it says like so

clearly two-man tent. Yeah, there's two men in there. And Liz is very small. And Liz is small. I was like, we can't be fine. If anything too roomy. We get there, Liz is excited, I'm excited. We put it up and honestly, it was like a Fisher Price.

The sleeping bag. It was a sleeping bag. It was, the dome of it was so low. It was like, I'm gesturing to this table, but like it was, you can't see that guys in the podcast. Imagine like, it was up to my hip and it was like a leg's length. Like, it was so. Both of their upper bodies were poking out of the,

tent and they were like well this is okay because it's very hot in the tent because we're essentially inside each other and now now it's like now it's kind of nice like sleeping under the stars we're sleeping under the stars and we just like had it honestly it was only up to our waist and only our legs were inside our legs and our bags were inside the tent our bodies were outside and we were like you know what we're making the best of it and it's hot and this is actually we were like I remember that I was saying she like you know what it's actually we're having a nice time and then torrential rain this rain started so then we had to get it the ten,

hunker, like, hold our legs together, like, hunker down with our, like, cockroaches, like, you know, holding our own legs up in the air. And then our,

the rain was coming in on the pet, on our faces. Like, it was bowing down on us. And then our bags were, you know, like,

when it's touching that canvas and it's, like, getting wet. Yeah. So we were putting our bags on top of each other, but we're just in sort of, like,

roll, constant rolling motion. Like a washing machine. Like a washing machine. So we just spent this night in a washing machine. And then apparently, no, Liz woke up and went, literally like but we were our faces were so

to each other she like opens one eye our noses are touching and she went unsurprisingly I dreamt about you all night you featured heavily in my dreams you featured heavily in my dreams and I yeah

maybe oh dear so buy a bigger tent invest in a tent you get a lightweight one I think four man is minimum minimum and you think like we're not four people oh my god I think for one person go four man

go four man just be like I having this nice space now like this is my space now like this is my space because if you you've got to at this festival have a place like oh i can't wait to come back if you're wait if you know that your tent is like sodden and there's nothing to come back to you're the third night you're gonna want to yeah it's gonna be awful so if you can fit a man in there prostate like you get a man's prostrate and prostate in there can you get a man's prostrate in

that's what you've got asked when you're going to wilkinson's be like i'm here for excuse me i want a tent that will fit two men's prostrate prostrate i get that wrong every time and when i I did like a little mental run-up to that word. I was like, I don't know if it's got an R or not. I don't even constantly know how to. Prostrate, if you can fit a man lying down in it, that is literally how big a one-man tent is. So it's basically like stacking men.

So think about how many men you want to be able to just like, you know, how many men do you want in 10? It's not making much sense, but it is very hot here. Bigger than we, bigger than you think. That's what we shout out. So much bigger. Four man 10 for one person. And also like invest in it.

Honestly to God, don't get an 11-99, 10. because you think like, oh, what a saving? But in the end, we had to... Festivals aren't cheap. We had to go in with somebody else. Yeah. And then everyone in the group just used our tent as the bag tent. Like, it was useless.

And didn't even fit that in. And you can even get all your bags in. So, like, you know... I think, like, if you're going with, like, a big group, one of your parents, like your parents will have, like, a ridiculously big tent. Yeah. Just, like, suck it up and take that tent.

Yeah. You know? And then they all pitch in and literally pitch the tent. But, like, the bigger the tent, the better time. you're going to have and I was just like fact. Fact. Fact. I've read a really great tip which was something that was close to my heart because I used to lose everything

so festivals for me was basically just me going there losing my phone and wallet and then having to survive for three days and then coming home being really upset. So the idea that you take you know like well I've got really old phones in my draw that obviously I just got on your phone and then just left and never charged again

take like a really old crap phone because as well I didn't think about this they've got way better battery life So a Nokia 3210 or what, a 3310, you can buy them still. But you've definitely got one in the house somewhere. Yeah, of course. But you can buy them for like 20 quid. Get yourself a burner.

Yeah, a burner. Because the battery life is like two days. Yeah. And then like everyone's going to be all over your juice, you know? Like her phone's still going. Use her. Like it's going to be the bell of the ball. Absolutely.

Get yourself. I don't go to festivals. I don't know how it works. Hello, here I come. I've got my old phone. Why isn't everyone saying I'm the bell of the ball? Get a bum bag. Get a funky sexy bum bag.

Actually, they're cool now, I know. Yeah. Remember the first time I rocked out with a bum bag and I really chickened out of styling it out because you teased me. Did I? I'm sorry. You didn't teach, well, it didn't take, I'll be honest, it didn't take much. Did I go, ooh, bomb bag?

Yeah, and I took it off. I don't think of a teasing. It wasn't a, you know, you didn't tease me. You just, I immediately panicked. Oh, I'm so sorry. I wish I'd have known. Well. Because then I would have gone, bum bag, right choice, immediately.

Yeah, absolutely. So, get a bum bag. They're all over the shop. funky ones, shiny ones, glittery ones, get a bum bag. Get your money in there. Oh yeah. Get your, you know.

Brar is another good place for money. Yep, as well. Though I have once lost it out of there, so I feel reticent about it. Absolutely don't do. Put open it in your bra. Yeah, but you can, each of their own. Money in there, Nokia 3210,

a disposable camera. Because if you're thinking like, I want my phone, it's got my camera on it. Get like a disposable one. That's way more fun. You know, have a fun time. Because then don't, then you're not the person, which I think was the other thing.

Like, don't be the person who takes photos as a, as the gift. gig like when you go like it never looks as good and you're never gonna I've never filmed a music concert show I've been to and then looked back on it and been like thank god I filmed that you just you just delete it because you're like well this is rubbish or just stays on on your phone it's like all those films of videos of fireworks you're like who's ever watch that again yeah who sits down and don't want to watch the fireworks oh it's a Sunday should we watch those fireworks 2015 New Year's well we didn't look at the fireworks we just watch them through my phone so yeah just like

not only is that I sort of like experience it, but also it means that you don't throw your phone in the mud and you don't have a total meltdown that you lose your phone, which you absolutely will. So one of my things is like, I don't have miniature versions of all of my products because I'm not the queen. I know you can buy them, but I just, I almost like,

I can't. Like travel size ones. Yeah. Don't you love them? Yes, but at the same time it annoys me because it's like, I mean, now we're at the stage where we have to have everything and then everything in Mini.

Like it's just an extra expense. They're like, I have the thing. Put it in a bottle. Like, or like, you know. I just love miniature anything. I know you do and I'm sorry that I'm going so hard against it. But one of the things is like toothpaste is a pain in the butt because even if you do take a bit of thing, it'll get squashed, it'll go everywhere.

Like, you're to end up, it just ends up. It's just a pain. But tip, you squeeze some blobs onto just like a plate. Let them dry over for like a couple of days. It's like two days before you're about to go. put them in like a Sainsbury's bag and then they won't go anywhere because they're dry and then you just add water to them and you've got

you've got toothpaste. Hell is bells. Quite good one that, isn't it? That's great. That's real bare grill stuff that. It is, yeah. That's great, Stevie. Thank you. I mean, I've never done it. No, but please don't congratulate me. Cool idea though. I've just, I've just straight away. With the toothbrushing one, that's an easy one.

Make sure you have like a big vulvic bottle or your brittle water filter. Take loads of reusable water bottles. Yeah, take your water and always don't go back to camp at night without one because you will wake up with a like a piece of sand and like you know they'll be able to be able to just get out of your 10 in the morning and like push your teeth is it will make the difference between feeling like life and death yeah it's such a little thing but I remember what the first

time I went to a festival I did the thing that I think some people do in it and I'm fine with but I'm not which is just like really threw myself into whole like I'm disgusting I'm not gonna shower like bye and um it was the not toothbrushing thing was too much that was the worst I think yeah because you can't you can't hide that Because you don't have to go and queue up and get to the sinks or the tab, whatever. You can just do that on the ground outside. That's all of the magic of it. Absolutely.

And then when you spit the toothpaste out, then the ants can use your toothpaste residue to clean their tooth. Perfect. I'm always thinking about helping them. You're so nice. Festival snacks, that's the thing that I had a problem with because I would never know what to take for food. And then whatever I do take, I end up eating within the first day. Festival food is really expensive. So a lot of people would be like, oh, you just have to live.

lean into it. You're like, cool, I guess you're rich then. It is quite, the thing is, even if you had sort of unlimited money and you, someone was like, here's your £100 spending a day or whatever, you're still like, I don't want to, it feels gross to spend nine pounds on this portion of chips. Like, it doesn't matter if you're rich or not. You're like, ugh, this can't be, this can't be nine pounds worth. Like, you know, it doesn't, you never go, being like, oh, I wish I had more money.

You'd go around me like, God, Lord. Yeah. How have you got away with this? Oh yeah, what's happened here? So things like cereal bars are really, really great. Things that are in packages. Yeah, dry things. Really thankfully for me, I'm blessed.

I'd say that I really prefer cold baked beans to warm baked beans. So obviously some cans of baked beans for me, ideal. Nobody else is up for that. And also... I do that is one of your greatest skills. Yes, actually, me and Tessa did in 2015, get your own back live. And with Dave Benson Phillips,

And the last task, which we had in order to win and not get gunged, was I had to eat some, it involved me eating cold-boke beans. And our friend Liz, who we've mentioned quite a lot in this episode, was at the back and just yelled like, You can do this, Stevie! That's just a normal lunch! Yeah. And I absolutely nailed it.

You smashed it so hard. And then we actually requested to get gunged because that's the only fun bit. I was trying to put a duvet on a duvet cover on duve while she did it. I was hopeless. Yeah, but I mean, I wouldn't have been able to do that. You smashed that bean challenge. I know. That is because Liz was right.

It was just a typical lunch. Honestly, we'd still be there if I had to do the bean challenge. Yes. And the other contestant as well was like, eh, and I was like, you are. Stevie was just like powering it down. It was a real sight to be able. I was hungry and it was a delight. It was a real treat for you.

It was like been given a cake. So find something, so tin fruits really good as well. Find something tinned that you can eat. Well, you don't need to because you can just do the ringpool. Forget that bit. Bread's really good. Like if you get those like little disposable barbecues, you can like, you know, barbecue some sausages on it and have like a sausage sandwich. I've seen loads of people do that.

Bananas are like bananas are invaluable. Bananas and apples because apples make your breath smell better and can sort of go somewhere to clean your teeth because of the way that you eat the apple. And also bananas have potassium in it, which is crucial for when you're hungover, feeling a little bit vitamin depleted. But obviously I can't tell you exactly what food to take because, you know, you might not like. go ahead bars like I do. Yes, just get yourself around the supermarket and find the things that you do like. And don't go on the way. I think already have the food because everyone, it's always just like something like,

well, because we'll stop off at the services. And then everyone just buys like crap because it's a panic. Yeah. So try and do that ahead of schedule if you can and be a bit more prepared. And if you can, try and err away from 18 packs of Harry Bo. And like, it will seem like such a good idea and it will feel so not a good idea. Everyone will laugh and it'll be like, what a legend. And then you'll have to eat them.

And that's all you'll, and you'll just go mad. It will be a bit mad. Just try and think of yourself as a sort of scurvy sailor and like try and look after yourself. Yeah. Skirby's hard, guys. It's hard to avoid. And then I would say, do have like one hot, nice meal a day.

You know, if you're there and be like, oh, I'm off for my treat meal now. Yes, you definitely should have a treat meal. Even if you are like quite broke, you're still at a festival. So even if you can't have a treat meal every day, have two, you know? So then like have one at the start and like one towards the end so you're like really looking forward to it. Because I do remember not being able to afford it at all.

And having a warm meal and having like something pleasant will like, and some flavours like will make all the difference. Yeah. When you've been eating nothing for a while. Yeah, nothing for a while, definitely. Now wet wipes are obviously illegal and bad. But there are some biodegradable wet wipes that if you have a Google around, find some biodegradable wet wipes because they are your best friend when anything explodes,

and you're like, ooh, I need a quick freshen up with the toilet, but the shower queue is two hours long, you know. Have a wet wipe bath. Have a wet wipe. Have a wet wipe. Have a wet wipe. Have a wet wipe. It makes all the difference and, like, quickly doing your armpits.

We'll just make, just like a butt hole. Oh, God. No, the intervary is like, your armpits are your butt hole? We'll just make all the difference. You'll just feel like a new woman. Tess's like stance is not of a woman who's just said the word butthole. No, it's nice. So camping site situation, I always get it wrong.

And I read some fun tips which are things like, don't camp at the bottom of a hill. Yeah. Because obviously if there's rain, that's the end of that. And don't camp too near toilets because you'll get, you'll just, I mean, I did that one year. And it's just like, yes. You get two. Don't come in the toilets.

Don't even think like, oh, lucky we're in the toilets. No. No, you're not like. We outside your tent in the night and then. And shit on someone else's tent. Of course. And the thing about toilets, I was just going to say, try and find, either like the children's area or a different area of the tent. I mean, children, they're quite bad at going to the toilet.

No, no, no, there will be, like, I promise you, there will be like a kid zone or like something that's a bit nicer. And shit in that. Yes. Like, there will be, like, just don't go to the main toilets. Yes, I agree with that. Scout out a slightly different area where you're like, ooh, here's this, like, secrety. I've got a story about toilets and that latitude. and it's not the person that like got into the toilet was really drunk and then fell over and all the stuff went over.

Everyone's hurt or she fell down the hole like no. It's but actually it's not it's not as exciting as that. I've been dying out on the one where she fell down the hole for years. So years is what I just said that. That may be the biggest, my biggest issue with festivals. I just, I have a real thing with cleanliness of toilets and hygiene like that and I just can't. And once I got cystitis and I had to go like every half hour and I just, it was hard. I just can't.

I hate them. But I found. I'm not telling you to flout rules because absolutely do not do this but so I went to one of the one of the kind of festivals around London and outside of London and I went for I did go for the whole thing and for the first three days I needed the loo and I didn't go so to the extent where I couldn't sleep like my stomach was like the size it was like I was pregnant and I was in a lot of pain

and it was like part like my body going you can't and part me like stopping it then I was in, I was like walking around and I just saw the kind of, you know, like the performer area, but not of the main big fancy stage of like one of the lesser tents. Like they are less likely to be heavily manned, like, all woman, like the main arena is. Yes. And there's often, just like a fence that is open. You should just go in and I went in and I just essentially had a religious experience on the toilet. Because the backstage toilets are like, they're proper little cabins.

And they're like little, they got cubicles, but not like Port-a-Luac cupicles. There's like a proper, there's proper toilet roll. Like, it's incredible. It's a little sink. There's a mirror. Like, oh, it was amazing. And yeah, I mean, I was, I had the best, uh, shit of my life. I'm not going to, I won't mince my words.

Um, so what I'm saying is maybe, and the thing is is, I went in there with, like, purpose, great purpose. Oh, yeah. Because I was so desperate. So it looked like, I was like, yes, I'm supposed to be here. So essentially if you walk somewhere, like, on like the third day, if you walk somewhere, like, you meant to be there, you might be able to go into posh loose. So try and find like the, yeah, try and find, break in, like, try and find like,

ooh, where's the sneaky bit, the baby, the children's area or the performing area. But failing that walk elsewhere and find the non-main toilets, definitely. And if it's, but also just like go in the woods. I don't think we should tell people to do poos in the woods. Oh, I just meant a wee, but. Okay, I'm talking not about that because I don't think wing's a problem because, yeah, just we anywhere. Oh, right, okay. I understand.

That's the problem. I need to go to the loop properly and you're like, but everyone else has and it's all over the walls. that's the issue. I fully understand. Okay, thank you. Also, I think there's a lot of people giving out those sort of like pee-mate things for ladies. Did you try I've pooing one of them?

I have. It was awful. No, I haven't. My next one is get a head torch. Wow. Be prepared to meet some interesting people. Get a head torch. Everyone always poo-poo's a head torch.

It's just because you look mad. But no one has to see you. There's just a small torch. There was like some straps on it that can hang from the ceiling of your... Oh, I see. Not like walk around in the day with a giant head torch on.

Oh my God, no. Just like have it in your tent. It means it's like, rather than carrying on like a massive mag light or whatever. Okay. A head torch means it just like it's so light, it just hangs up and like... Oh, great. Yeah, it's an ideal thing. And it just means that you can like, if you're panicking and you need to go to the loo in the night, whatever, like here's your head torch.

Like it's not a big deal. But what you could also do with it. Exactly. You can also do this. Oh my God. She's showing me a super lantern. So the milk bottle? Yeah.

So if you fill like a big milk jug or a milk jug, you know, get your old urn out. If you feel like a big two-liter clear plastic thing of milk or obviously once you've drunk the milk or a big... Who takes milk to a festival? No, nobody would. So like take it empty for heaven's sake. Oh, okay. Or a water bottle. A water bottle, anything that's clear and like quite chunky.

Sure. Any of those, take it empty, obviously. Fill it up from the tap when you get there. Attach your light, your headlamp to it. will make this thing that I'm showing you. But isn't it going to be all wet? Why would it be wet? You don't put it the light inside.

You put it on the outside. I thought you brought the torch in. I was like, that's an awful idea. No, no, no. You pop it the other side and then it illuminates the other side. It like defracts the light. Lovely. I bet people write in today.

That's not correct. But you know, it does that physics thing where light expands. We're going to get letters. Oh, through the door. Three to five working days. We're going to be an in date. It diffracts the light. So rather than just being like,

one head torch lamp suddenly it's like illuminating and it's a lovely lantern. That's nice. I am happy with that. Someone said to create your own meeting point. Great idea. So now they've used a giant Lionel Ritchie mask that they put up put on a big wooden stick and hung on the air. And basically if you get, before you go though, if you just get like a wooden stick,

I mean a stick off a tree would probably work and you just attach something really weird to it. If you're in a group, then you don't. I see that thing where you're like constantly waving, everyone's waving, everyone's got a flag, everyone's got their hand in the air, like you're not going to be able to tell where your friends are in the crowd if you need to leave and come back. So get a really weird thing that you can attach to your stick. Attach a weird thing to a stick. Attach a weird thing to a stick so we will always find you and also other people will use you as a marker as well, which is nice. And also if you know that like you want to see a band or something, you know, have your sort of meeting

point as like, we'll meet at eight o'clock outside this thing. So even if you've been lost for the whole day you're like well eight o'clock i know i can find my friends this is where we're going to be meeting or like here's the rendezvous at this time um or we're all going to go and see this like have some like things in the day of like if we get lost this is where i'll be yes that's good because that is that's the thing that is the anxiety for me as well of like i sometimes i i think i've spoken about it on previous podcast i like absolutely love a socialize but then i do need to then not be i need to be on my own for a little bit otherwise i go mad and then i and then i can pop back in with a festival it's like intense constant socialising so I am like I'll just

gonna nip over here and then I lose everyone for the whole day and that is what happens me and my friend millie used to be like unreasonably good at it at like finding each other oh you tell me this yeah it's just because it astounded me so much that like you and this had that as well and you're like I just knew I'd find you and I was like I've spent the whole day not going on anybody once Millie they were in a she was already at the front of the thing and she texted me like a grid reference of like D3 she'd like as though she'd like looked at it she's very clever and very mathematical

as though she'd like looked at the crowd from above and like done a grid system. She's also 12 000 feet tall. Sorry maybe 12,000 feet tall so for her it's very easy to just look. I know why I didn't just you know I can't see it. I know why I didn't just go towards it. Of course I just find her all the time but as though she was like looking down on the crowd

and then she had like done a grid system mentally and then just all she did you know what D3 was? No right she texted me D3 that then my phone around a battery and then as it hers and then people she was with were like that was an insane thing to do and I remember and Millie said that she was like she'll find us and then I just popped up oh that's great that's great and annoying if you can like if you know how you're like

friends weird mind works then you like text them D3 then you understand like what that you know when someone's saying to like we're to the left but beside like this like pillar and you're like that's not a helpful instruction but if you can like get into their mind to be like I know what that is I know what they're trying to say with that yeah so you Yeah, have a rendezvous point. My final one actually is, and I've never done this at a festival, and I've just read this, and I'm furious that I've been a thing to do this, obviously take earplugs and an eye mask.

Why wouldn't you do that? Don't take your best one, because you'll definitely lose them. But, like, absolutely, you know, because obviously you've got a hierarchy of eye masks and earplugs. Don't know your golden ones, but I don't know why I haven't done that. I'm really angry at myself, because obviously that's the thing as well. like, you know, just people shouting all night and music and everything. That makes it rough for sure. Oh, that's so good.

Do that one. My very last one is paint your fingernails. Okay. What did you think I was going to say? No, I was just, it was funny if it was like the least useful thing ever. You're like, my last one is paint your fingernails. Yeah. Thank you so much.

It's quite useful. And goodbye. But you will, you'll think, what a weird tip. But once you've done it, you'll be like, I do see why she said that. Like a funky fun color, because it's a festival. But also, looking at your fingernails and being like, oh, my sweet. Lord, like, what's that? It is quite overwhelming.

But if they're painted, you don't know. That's funny. So it can be quite like, oh my God. And they won't chip because you ain't washing dishes. Am I a chimney sweep? Like, it feels quite like, that's something that sort of, you know, pushes you over the edge. So just get rid of that and bring way more socks than you think you need.

That's a great one. Because the treat of coming home, taking your wet socks off, putting on dry socks, is euphoric. Yes. And having, my very last one is a hoodie. Ooh. Oh, delicious. Guide to the Galaxy with a hoodie like it's like take that anywhere and like having a big hoodie even if it's like boil it's even if it's a heat wave and you think like idiot tip I don't

need that take a hoodie yeah because it night it goes it gets freezing and like knowing you've got something worn to put on it's like oh yes and once I remember it you just use it as a pillow absolutely and I tip of it like if it's raining you don't have that many layers and you're in the mall I remember once it started raining I took off my all my outer layers until I was just in my t-shirt and put them up my up the t-shirt. And then like ran to sort of safety by you. I knew I knew by the time I got in the dry, I would be already soaked. So I just let it be like wet on my skin.

Oh, wow, nice. Dried my skin because my skin is waterproof. And then put my warm clothes back on. I felt like bare grills. That's one of the best tips I've ever heard. If it starts raining, shove your clothes on to your top. Yeah. Get nude.

And then nice and warm. Yeah. This is very good. Oh, wow. Right? Because I think you've got a wet, like wet out of layers, those will be wet for ages. If not forever. but oh in my tummy dry dry dry yum yum yum that has a delicious tip

and I hope that helped anyone who's listening and it's sort of I've after doing that I'm like maybe I could stay a night at latitude I won't because I have tried a lot and I don't like it but I certainly feel like I could have to you know that is a huge step up it's a huge step am I lying you'll never tell uh no well I think you are a bit yeah I think I am I also feel like oh I'm ready to even be even more yeah this year. I think that's the thing. I want to crack it.

Like I want to go and be really efficient. I really feel like it felt like, okay. I feel like, okay. I feel like I could do this. Yeah. I think I could pack well. Yeah. And I can't, you know, I can't stop people like,

missing on my tent or whatever. It is from experience. It is from you going and being like, oh my God, that's what I need. Which we passed down to you. Yeah. So we're doing our best. Then you'll go and be like,

hmm, they should have said this. Yes. So if you have got more. Oh my God. Do tweet us. At nobody do panic podcast. Is it right? Yeah.

Yeah. Isn't it at Nobody Panic Pod? It's at Nobody Panic Pod, yeah. And then email us at Nobody Panic Podcast. Sorry, nobody pad, court, no. This is why I normally do them. Podcast at Gmail.com.

Correct. And tweet Tessa at Tessa Coates. Tweet Stevie at Stevie M, the SSA 5. It is indeed. And yeah, just like have a great, if you go into festivals, how a great time. Have a great time. If you're going to an attitude, see you at the killers.

Oh my God. We'll be in D3. Or see you come and find it Oh my God Yeah Also when are you on at Lattitude Oh my God Literally the time of the World Cup final

No you're not I think I won right after it Or like in a little bit It's so funny I'm just going to say let's get this Let's get Let's get a screen Let's get the screen in here

And I'll commentate Yeah As in you'll commentate I'll commentate Great What time is that In the afternoon sometime Great

I'm at 1 455 Friday if anyone's around. Oh my God, that's... Oh my God, you've smashed it. That's such a good time. Thank you. Because then you're just like, in-out. In-out. Then... In-out, see Solange. Hop out there. I do, I do want to see Salonge before I die, so I should go now. Yeah, it's in the cabaret tent and I don't have any material that doesn't need

screams and sound. So who knows what I'm going to do? So a bit of support would be very nice, actually. So come to support me. Stay for the comedy for Tessa. Ignore the World Cup. And have a lovely week, guys. Yeah, thank you. see you next time. Bye!