Nobody Panic - How to Go to the Edinburgh Fringe

Episode Date: July 19, 2022

With over a decade of Edinburgh Fringe Festival experience, Stevie and Tessa provide some hints and tips on how to go to the Fringe as a tourist and not have a meltdown. Although you probably still will because there’s just too much on. Accept the meltdown. Own it. Become it.Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded by Naomi Parnell and edited by Clarissa Maycock for PlosivePhotos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true, Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Hello and welcome to Nobody Panic with me doing my best Edinburgh accent. Hello. Yeah, I can see you're trying.

Hello. Halle. Howie? No, that's beautiful. Like you're lanes and dunes. So sorry to anyone who is Scottish. That's a fantastic Glasgow accent. Yes, but there's not Edinburgh as well as though.

That's right. That's right, see me. Edinburgh is much softer. Yeah. Edinburgh, a beautiful place. Love it. We go to the, well, I'm not, but Tessa's going to the Edinburgh Fringe. You'll be dropping in.

I've been there before. We've gone as punters. We've gone as people doing acts there. Yes. Students. People doing acts there. Sounds like I haven't when I say it like that. Also, when there was a writer, been there with no money, some money, a sort of normal amount of money.

That's what I've been. So it's a whole gamut. Too much money at that time that you hit the pools. Hit the pools. And one big on the craps table. Las Vegas. Swimming pools. That's right.

rolling in it that year. Rolling in. And so we had a suggestion, which was how to do the Edinburgh French. I will read the suggestion now. Hello. I absolutely love your podcast. Thanks, Yazi.

Please can you do an episode on How to Fringe Festival? I've never been, but hear all about it and we'd love to go. Do you have to go for a whole week? Do you pre-book tickets? Can you be spontaneous? Oh, Yazzie. Spontaneity is not rewarded at the French. That's not true.

It absolutely is, unless you have worked. on the pools. How far ahead of time do you need to book things like accommodation, etc? I have too many questions. Anyway, thanks for the podcast and I hope you're having a lovely 2022. Yes. Thanks so much, yes. But before we start, what's the most adult thing you've done

this week? Tessa Get your Tessa coats you've pulled. Yes, well, oh, I suppose I should use my adult thing. I've got actually quite a good one in Ready, but we're recording other ones. Yeah, yeah, pop it down. I suppose my adult thing is that

I'm taking a show to the Edinburgh Fringe. What? I had quite a tedious story about emails on iPhone, but now I'll tell you I'm going to the Edinburgh Fringe. It is called, what's this lovely person's name? Yes. Oh, God, yes. Come on, find me, please.

I'm at 6pm in the Pleasance Beside, every day for the whole of the festival, and it's called Tessa Coates, Colon. Get your Tessacote's you've pulled. I've lost confidence in my title. It's great. I'm so nervous about it. What's great is that no one cares.

Nobody cares. That's the main thing, isn't it, Stevie? Nobody cares. I'm thinking, and I will tell you all now, should I tell them all how I'm thinking of entering, or should leave it as a surprise. I think leave it as a surprise. That's a surprise.

It's a good entrance to a show. Yeah, it's... Yes, okay. Yeah, I've got a big plan for entering. The other 56 minutes, nothing so far. It will take four minutes that entrance. Yeah, so that's, you know, if you are a Patreon,

if you head over to our Patreon, I have got a discount code for tickets. Oh my God, that's so nice. Yes, they are especially for our Patreon listeners. There's a code in there, and it means you can get discounted tickets to my Edinburgh show. Come along. That's so great.

And while you're there, we're also doing Nobody Panic at the Fringe. Gorgeous. We're doing two live shows. One, this is fun of just sounds like a one long plug of an episode, but on the 19th of August, we're doing Nobody Panic late and live. Late and live, the 11 p.m.

Imagine us doing an 11 p.m. I can. And I'm going to be drunk. And then the next day, no, the day after that, so it's like 21st, we're doing a nice, I think it's 240. Gorgeous. So come to that. Come one, come both, come to them all.

It's my adult thing, but it's also your first tip. So there you go. Sorted. What's your adult thing, Stevie? So, look, mosquitoes are back. Okay. In fashion. Mosquitoes are hot right now.

Mosquitoes, new black. Spring summer. Oh my God. Are you a mosquito? Then you're not trendy. Just as I'm going to bed. You know, you see one, you're like, oh my God, it's there. And I've got to...

And I end up, like, getting sort of old notebooks, a nice book, and sort of smushing it on the thing. No. About two months ago, I wanted to give two books to the charity shop because I didn't want them. And then I thought, no, keep them. They'll be your mosquito book. Wow.

So now I've got an actual separate... This should be that I've bought something. But it's not. I've now got designated mosquito squashing books. Okay. And now they just, I mean, it is very rank. They're like, confident. What's their dexterity?

What's their, how do they feel? You want a firm paperback. Hardback doesn't have enough give. They won't sort of like tessellate in the way that you want. Oh, you have to smack them together. Yeah, it's not on the wall because I have a rented property and essentially got shouted out by my partner for just leaving bodies all over the wall. Wow.

Also, you want a light color, not a dark colour, so you can see just how many mosquitoes are on so you know when to scrape them off. sick that's absolutely disgusting thank you so much I don't think that really was adult at all I think it's quite good you really shared an insight into in a way

that was the adult thing just feeling vulnerable enough to share that with everybody yeah that's right also that's good thinking yeah and you were dealing with you an obstacle and you overcame it

I did I think the next one will be next summer I'll be like I've finally bought a fly swatter I reckon yeah let's we're all with you and let's try and get a flight order. For next time, I'll see if I can manage that. I can't promise anything.

No, okay, and no pressure. But I do reckon that would be better. Yeah, probably. It is a tricky one, isn't it, the Edinburgh Fringe? Because, oh, it's overwhelming. It's overwhelming. It's also, I think, one of the biggest barriers to the Edinburgh Fringe is, unfortunately, increasingly, money.

Even, like, 10, 15 years ago, I think the first time I ever went was 2008, no, 2007. And it was like, oh, tickets. Some shows are £10. What? Whereas now that's actually quite reasonable. And also accommodation and things like that. So I'm going up for two nights and with my friend.

It took be a long time to find a hotel. I found a essentially one-star hotel in Edinburgh itself, like in this sort of centre. And we're getting one room, one bed, and it's £500. And that was like incredibly reasonable. I was like, oh God, actually, that's the cheapest. That's pretty good. So that is a barrier. Right.

Let's reel this right back. I'm so sorry. Let's reel. No, don't never apologise. Already we're expressing the exact issue, which is, whoa, whoa, this is overwhelming. If this is your first time going, whether you go for one day or 30 days, you will be extremely overwhelmed. You will make mistakes. You will think, ah, I see, I've absolutely fucked that.

Ah, yes, this is what Tess was talking about. Ah, I've done it. And you can talk to me in your head and I'll say, no problems, champ. Everyone does. Everyone does it. too much on at the same time. There's so much on. At one point, the last time it ran,

somebody worked out that if you saw eight shows a day starting at 11 a.m. in the morning and finishing at 2 o'clock in the morning the following day, back-to-back shows every single day. It would take you five years to see every show at the fridge. So that's how insane it is, how much stuff is going on. So do not stress that you're going to make mistakes

because you simply will, and that is, I would say, part of the experience, and you're just going to leap into it wholeheartedly. And don't try and get this right. It's just going to be whatever your fringe was this year. There is no right. There is no wrong. That's the magic of the...

It's sort of like one of those immersed... Like Punch Drunk, one of those immersive experiences where you go and then you come out and someone's like, did you see the Blood Feast? And I'm like, oh, I missed it. What? You know? Oh my God.

I saw it a completely different thing. Yeah. We did go and see Punch Strike this year and our friend kept going like, did anybody see the room of the owls? And everyone kept being like, sorry. And then nobody else had seen and he'd been... Just walked into by accident into a room that was filled with owls.

Clay owls. He claimed. And everyone was like, where was that? Nobody else saw that. So I think it's very, and much exactly like going to one of those immersive things. You spend the whole thing thinking, I'm missing out. I'm supposed to be somewhere else. I'm supposed to this.

And the more that you can just be like, yeah, everyone's feeling like that. And this is my fringe. And I'm just doing my own thing. And here we go. So if you've never been before, it is the largest arts festival in the world. It runs from... We should have started with that rather than, like, get a hotel room. Yeah, sure.

That's what I was like, real back to the start. It runs this year from the first of August to the... 30th of August. She says confidently, without really known for sure. Go on, you look it out then. 5th of August to the 29th of August. There will be two or three days of previews starting on the third of August. So if you do want to have a much more sort of cheap and cheerful experience and you can be there for the very beginning of the festival, I would say actually quite fun, very chaotic, a lot of very intense energy because everyone's just starting out. There'll be a few lighting issues. Oh, certainly, which I think is actually quite fun.

Yeah. So those first two days, often people are doing something called papering, which is when people are just giving out tickets for free because people are just trying to get a crowd going for the first couple of shows. So you might well be given very cheap or even free tickets to really quite good stuff. And you can see big famous names at this point. They're still doing their previews. And yes, there will be, as a TV says, lighting issues, microphones are not working, things not happening.

If it's like a stand-up show, you're fine. Often the things like plays and things like that are quite tricky on. preview days because there's so much technical stuff. So I would say let's go previews. Here's our plan. Previews. We're going just raw comedy. We're raw dog in it. We're raw dog in our way through some just classic established

good stand-ups. The Pleasance is a really good one for papering, isn't it? So if you go to, there's two Pleasance venues, the Pleasant's courtyard. And basically, if you just get a drink, there's food trucks and you sort of sit there for the afternoon, you will be papered. And also the Pleasance Dome is the other one.

Again, it's a bit like a ledger centre. But there's still there's food and there's drinks. And so, like, if you, in between shows, you're wondering where to go or where to be. It's better to actually, if you want to get papered, be in those places rather than, like, going to some sort of cafe somewhere. Okay, we're going to have to take another one step back again and just tell everybody that the festival is happening across the city. It's very much within the city. You can walk to everything. It is very, very cobbled and very, very hilly.

So do bear that in mind. Trainers. Trainers every day. And indeed, your little Anorak, type. in your pocket because who knows when it will rain. And then you've got your big paying venues which are the pleasants, the underbelly Gilded balloon. Guilded balloon.

And assembly. So those are called The Big Four. You've got other venues happening in a more sort of fringy way. You've got sea venues and the zoo, the Tron, just the tonic, you know, all this other stuff. And then underneath that you've got the free fringe, which is all the

free things, which are not to say they aren't just as good. There are loads of amazing stuff happening in the free fringe. You don't have to pay for tickets, but you do be aware, have to pay to come out, there'll be somebody with a bucket at the door so it's not completely free. You would still be, hopefully, throw a few coins. A few

to the clowns, buckets. Yes. And also, as well, what's fun about the free fringes is that, like, the shows happen anywhere. So, like, wherever you are, like, there could be a show happening. On a boss. Like, up a hill. That's just sort of the magical thing, and why we say sort of, like, throw yourself in as best you can, book a couple of things. And I would say, like, don't go

planning to have an amazing, spontaneous. And then this just happened to experience. plan to be like, I've got this show, this, three shows maybe booked for the day, but then be open to someone being like, hey, do you want to come and see this? Or this is happening? Or just as you're sat outside, you know, some kind of insane mime thing just happens around you and then, you're in it.

And you're a mime now. The idea of like, well, how do you know what to take a ponton? How do you know what's good? You don't really. But there are like, when you're sat around cafes and restaurants and the venues themselves, there'll be some magazines that are often produced.

Like the Argos catalogue, but of... Of shows. And so you've got your big one, which is like the Ed Fringe Guide, which has got essentially most shows. It looks like the yellow pages. It is so big as to be... You think, oh, that feels physically sick.

I can't even look at that. And I don't think I've ever been able to be... And I would say, don't even bother with that. You'll recognise it because the photographs are absolutely tiny, the words are tiny, everything is just so overwhelming. And you think,

what, I'm supposed to look through this and see what I want to see. And then your nose starts bleeding and you leave Edinburgh. Forget it, throw it away. Throw it away. There's a magazine that's published purely during the fringe called Fest, and that's published every week.

And they're often dodger on, and they're quite good because each week they'll give more in-depth reviews or they'll like do interviews or they're like, basically they're kind of a nice starting point. I wonder if there's anything here. But again, they often tend to favour or look at shows in paying venues. But then there are also things like the list or three weeks or Broadway Baby.

There are also things that are printed and sort of around. And then it feels like when you go to the fringe, maybe like once, you should walk. So there's this big place called the Royal Mile, which is one street. And it's hell. It's basically like when you first ever go when you're a student, that's where you congregate and shows that often aren't in paying venues, they will go there as well. And it's just everybody is fliring you, papering you, trying to get you to come and see their show. One year there was this just a procession of nuns carrying chairs that would just walk down

the mile every day at a specific point. People are just like lying on the floor pretending to be dead. There will be three or four student productions of Titus Andronicus. Always. But set in a modern day setting. Of course, of course. There will be a very good looking boy playing Dracula and very good looking 19 year old girls playing Dracula's wives.

Just lay out on the mile. A lot of sort of half nudity, sexy doll babies. Ripped corsets and so much blood and so much just like a palpable, horny teenagers. Yes. But they're amid that, there are real actual, you know, adult shows. But what is fun and what my parents do and what I sort of do recommend, it's just walking down there at least once, taking all the flyers, and then sitting somewhere and just looking through and being like,

it's not anything actually we should take a punt on? Because last time I was at the film, it was a show, I went to see that I'd not seen in anything, but it was like a friend of a friend of a friend. And they were like, yeah, you actually, this would be really fun. And it was in this tiny venue that I didn't even know was a venue behind a bar. and it was hauntingly brilliant and really funny.

And then in the same breath, I've done that in previous years and seen something that's absolutely the worst thing I've ever seen. But like that's the joy. All the shows, and this is very important,

are an hour long. Maximum, yeah. Maximum. Some of them are actually 40 minutes and you're laughing. Yeah, and you're out of there. So like even if you have walked into something and it starts and you think,

oh my God, you will be done in an hour. Yeah. Like just sit tight and have a funny story to tell after. and, you know, take one from what you can or whatever. Like, you don't have to panic that you're like, oh my God, this is my holy. And it's like, and also because shows is happening from 12 o'clock in the afternoon

through to 2 o'clock in the morning, it's not like this was your one evening and you went to go and see a big musical and that's it for the evening. It's like, you saw this show, get a potato, go and see another show. Yes. And also, when you're getting that potato, good shows, if you're not sure what to see, when you first get there and say if you're there for a few days, have a look to see the mixed bill. showcase shows. So at night

they do like, things like the Underbelly is one of the things and they do a show called Spank. Those different comedians come on and do like 10 minutes. But there's also late and live. And there'll be things called Best of the Fest and these are specifically designed to showcase as many acts as possible in

you know, you're doing a few minutes and so you can be like oh my God I really liked this person or I really like this or I get and just getting as best you can more of a handle on people and the layout of the place and the stuff and just endlessly being like, okay, I'm grasping it, I'm grasping it. Yes. And also, if you haven't figured out when you want to go from Friday through to Sunday, the prices often tend to go up a little bit. And so if you can, best to go midweek,

but like also as well, like it's a really fun, the weekend is a fun, a very festivoli vibe, you know, fun for pontiffs, maybe not as much for performers because it's actually quite overwhelming suddenly. One of the questions. Don't think if you're like, oh, I can only make it in the week, don't panic. Like, it will be fun the whole time. Oh yeah, the festival is fun the whole time, yeah, definitely. It's just much busier and it's got more of a tourist energy for the weekends, naturally, because that's when

everyone's free and they're flocking in. You don't have to, as you as I said, you don't have to go for a whole week. I would personally find it very stressful to go for one, like a day in evening and then leave the next day, purely because there's so much on. But as well that is dictated by your finances. So first look at what you can

afford, because me saying it's very expensive and the Airbnbs and hotels and places to stay are really, really pricey. It does not actually do it justice how much the prices go up in that month. So the closer you get to the fringe, obviously the higher the prices are. So always worth thing like hostels and Airbnb's. Also, Leith is not in Edinburgh, but it's like

a bus ride away. And being, you don't have to be in the centre of Edinburgh to go and like enjoy it. You just got to make sure that you will have to maybe like cabby or Uber or something. and think stuff like that if you get caught out late at night. But yeah, a week you don't have to have to do. I'd say sort of like if you want to get the full experience, maybe like a minimum two nights. Do you've at least got...

I think the two nights just so you don't panic through that first night being like, I've got to have everything out of this night. If you truly... And also, is there any chance that you know anybody who is there? That's the dream. Is anybody performing that you know? And however loosely, I would say that people, performers take it as red that like they're just their floor will be,

have somebody on it for the whole duration. Yeah. So I would say just, You know, even you're like, I don't know that well, be like, ah, you know, ask them. You know, maybe the, and expect to be sleeping on the sofa or on the floor on the inflatable mattress. But worth trying it. Absolutely. If not, the multi-dorm rooms in the hostel, a bit of fun.

Yeah, just do be ready that's going to be very expensive. And then if you, you can, I've definitely done the overnight megabus to get there, arrived at. I wouldn't recommend that. No, it's the sort of thing you do. Horrific. Once, you do it once. Yeah. And you think, oh, boy.

I never doing that again. But it's there. It's there as an option. It's necessary. We cannot recommend it, but it is there. It is. And also, yeah, because the train tickets are really expensive and weirdly flying is less expensive. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Obviously, you know, carbon footprint and all that, yeah, fine. But if you've booked all your accommodation and you're ready to go and then you look at the train tickets and they're all like 300 quid, you're like, well, fuck, I need to get there. So it takes like two minutes. It's really good. And the airport's really, really close to Edinburgh itself. I've had a very good tram system to get in. So, yeah, I'm flying this year, which sounds wild, but it's like 50 quid.

Wow. The difference of £300 and £50. Is obviously quite, you know, exciting for me. And yes, do you pre-book tickets, or can you be spontaneous? Obviously, I think they're both. I was very like, you can't be spontaneous at the fringe, because you can't be fully spontaneous at the fringe if you expect to have a nice time, because you'll get there, panic and leave.

Or you'll get that. And to be honest, a lot of the shows at Pleasance and Underbelly and Assembly do sell out, especially if you're going up the weekends. So it's good to have, like Tesla says, some tent pole shows.

You're like, okay, on my two days, I've got three shows I'm seeing. And especially if they're names, especially if they're people that, if you have a look of doing well at the fringe, because you can, you know,

on social media, if they're getting very good reviews and stuff, then the weekends, they'll be more likely to be sold out. So, yeah, book ahead, but then do leave room for, when you get there, chatting to people who have been at the fringe for the month, I mean, like, what's a good, I think that's the best thing.

If someone's been there for the week, yeah, they'll, if someone's, sorry, not for the week, if someone's been there for the month and you know anyone, they'll give you an excellent recommendation. We can't tell you what it is yet, but 100% this year, there will be this circus show that you have to see. Or, oh my God, there's this puppet play, or there's this, or there will be something that is the, like, the underground hit that is like, this is the thing. to see. And it will become apparent what it is as soon as the festival starts and people are, word of mouth, spreads like wildfire and then, and also just like get chatting to people say like, what have you seen? Do you recommend anything? And as soon as you get into the vibe of it,

as soon as you come out of a show, you'll be telling people about what you've seen and saying, that was the worst thing I've ever seen or that was the best thing I've ever seen or whatever. If there is a show that you are, I've got your heart absolutely set on and when you get there, it is sold out. An hour before the show starts, they release the press holds, which are their tickets that are left behind in case anybody is coming to review the show. So if you head to the box office and you just wait and you make friends with somebody at the box office, in my experience, they're all so nice and they really have their finger on the pulse. And if you say, hello, I'm just looking for one ticket, any chance you're going to release the press holds.

And they might say, no, they're already gone. And then half an hour before they'll release the company holds. And those are two tickets or have many tickets that belong to the performer. And they're set aside in case Elvis Presley shows up. Or the performer's mom. Mum or Elvis. One of them is in the building just in case they need to be like, oh my God, you know, Adele's here.

And we're constantly here. Adele's here again. So it'll be you and Adele at the box office, be like, they're in company holds. So that there is this like buffer of seats. So there is always, you know, so it's worse. And also once you say the phrase, like company holds,

everyone's like, oh, somebody's got their finger on the pulse. Somebody knows, you know. You sound like a friend of the performer immediately. so then they're more likely to help you out anyway. So they're not free. And so you say, are they going to release any company holds? And now cut to all these people queuing up being like, hello, will you be released?

Will you hold my company? My company wishes to release it into you if that's possible. So yeah. And also if you're sort of, if you, your heart is totally set on it and you're just loitering by the box office, by the people doing the queue. You know, there will be this like, oh, somebody comes up and they're like,

my friend's not here and there's a spare ticket. I cannot promise it, but I would say nine times out of ten And if your heart is set on it and you're in the right place at the right time, you should be able to get into this. Also, in the worst case. If you're on your own, I can't help get five of you in. That's the problem in it. Going as like a pack of 10 is tricky in it.

You'll be limited to what you can see. But also one and twos, oh. Also as well, it's worth saying that if you're there and you can't get into a show, there will be at that venue, probably like 10 shows happening there or thereabouts, that are also great. So the amount of times I've gone to see a show and ended up seeing another show and actually that's been great. So also if you can't, don't worry, like ask the box office.

And you say what else is on right now and they'll say, oh. Screens at Pleasance is kind of telling you. The amount of help there will be for you once you say, hello, please. What shall I do now? You know, there's so much. There will be somebody to say, what kind of thing you're into? And you say, rock and roll. I'll say, Elvis, come on.

Come on. And you say, oh, well, can I introduce you in this, such and such? No. They will. In what? My God, Stevie. I bet there will be... A rock and roll, like, comedy, opera, musical, genuinely.

Definitely. There's always things like that. So, yeah, there will be someone to say, this is sold out, but have you tried? Yes. X, Y, Z. 100%. Also, we touched on it earlier,

but like, I find one of the most stressful things about Edinburgh is what to wear. Not because it's some sort of fashion show, but because it genuinely, you're like, okay, it is raining and it says it's running all day. And on the app, it says it's running all day. And then you leave, 10 minutes. It's the most boiling day you've ever experienced. And then there's a storm and

it snows. So I think the taking sort of like a cagool type thing that you can like roll up on your bag is the, rather than what I always do, it's just like a big puffer jacket that's just massive or like one one year I was like in a fur. Like that's not helpful. Yeah. You've got to go trainers. You've got to go light cagull and lots, lots of multiple layers. So top, you've got your cardigan. You've got a scarf that can go in your bag and a hat that can go in the bag. You've got to have that hat, baby. You have to have the hat in the pocket. Because your head to get so cold. Yeah. Because suddenly the temperature,

it seems like it goes like Siberian levels. A hat. And also you often set off for the day at 11 a.m. Just popping to see one show. And then you're out. You're out till 5am. You know, and you think, I was going to go back and get changed. And then, but having that hat, you're like, oh, I've got my hat. I can do anything.

I've got changed. If anything, I'm changed. You know, a hat can travel. So, yeah, yeah, big hat on sensible shoes. Fanny packs that kids were. Oh, yes, of course. rather than like having huge back. Because also as well, the shows are often quite makeshift vibes with like chairs out and it's cramped.

You don't have a massive huge hiking pack with you. Yeah. Can be done. But there's not cloak rooms, you know, when you're going into these venues, unfortunately. It's because everything is so on top of each other, it's all very like chilled out, I would say, in terms of storage space.

Oh, yes. And if, oh, sorry, we didn't even explain what a venue was. But like, imagine your local town hall and now go in the cupboard where they keep the chairs. That's the venue. And now you put a black curtain up. That's the venue. Another venue.

You bisect it with a curtain and put it in two. Now you're in another venue. That's two venues. So they truly were rooms that have previously never seen sight nor sound of culture. And now suddenly they've been transformed by a team of like, you know, magic elves through the night. And now that's something totally different. But that is house of cabins as well. Port-a-Loo.

You know, yeah, it's really rough and ready. Yes, and hot. Oh, bringing a little fan would be nice for myself. A little fan to walk because the rooms can get really, really hot and stuffy sometimes when it's very hot weather. And with the pay what you want or free shows, always good to take some cash with you if you want to like pop in the bucket. But I think increasingly, increasingly people have those, doop, boob, you know, what are they called? Card readers. Yeah.

but we all knew I actually meant the thing we have in hospital to measure your heartbeat right sure sure sure a heart monitor and if you enjoy if your heart goes up you got to pay if you enjoy the show

but some do but also if they don't cash is the worst feeling because you're like oh I love the show but I can't show you that like the show I didn't have any money and like a five is great

you know it's all it's not you don't have to pay 75,000 pounds bring you reusable water bottle with you is you know you're going to be stay hydrated stay hydrated

have fun and try and don't let it, like Tesla, don't have to overwhelm you because it's the biggest FOMO in the world. Ride into that overwhelmingness and be like, oh yes, this is what they were describing. And I'm feeling it and that is totally normal and expected because this is so mad and big. There is not a group having the best time of their life 10 yards away from you. And if you just got it right, it's like it's there for you to take from it whatever you want.

If you are single and indeed looking for all looking, please. Go and bonk a clown. go, don't, not the clowns, there's such hard work. I mean, pretty much all the Edinburgh performers, even if they're not hard work normally, they're hard work in Edinburgh. Like, everyone's losing their mind. Well, that's thing, if you're just there for the three days,

then you're off, you know. That's very, that's very sexy. You know, in the hostel with Titus from Titus and John Lucas. I just, when I first went. He's 19, he's in his prime. When I first went as an 18-year-old, me and my friend Carmel went on the megabus, overnight.

We then got ourselves to Leith, where we stayed with my, Neighbors, uncle. Yes. Anyway, then we went to see Dracula brackets reimagined. Already. Twice. Okay.

Because Dracula was, I thought, I thought it was very specific when you said before. And then a man called Dracula, who'll be a 19-year-old living fit to somebody with him. That's what happened. I can see Dracula now. He was so good-looking and so powerful. And he did all this, like, gymnastic moving stuff. And then he had somehow, man, he came out all in this white, white-faced, pain. And then he must have had some kind of

sweat machine in the top of his, the hairline of his forehead. So over the course of it he just dripped. Unless he was just sweating. I think it was dripping so much. It must have been part of the piece. So his face was sort of dripping off in this Dracula way. And even then I was like, I'm in. Did you get in? Of course I didn't get in. I was an absolute nerd

who'd been to see Dracula twice on the front row. But therefore I'm always like it feels an uncompleted goal of mine, you know. To sleep with a 19 year old. To sleep with the time for me has passed. It would be unacceptable of me now to do it. But it would be, I think, a fun little cherry on the cake. Not necessarily there.

Just like if, you know, would there not be a performer. Just like, I do think it would be a funny little something something. You must commit to our One Night Stand episode, which is this Dracula needs to get up tomorrow and do a show. So you don't need to get it. So deep into this. And Dracula will be deep into you. So I don't want you breaking any hearts when you get there.

I don't think you'll be breaking Dracula's heart. But if you fancy a little dalliance before you get on the train home or the flight or wherever, you know, little something. It's the planes. Come on. Most of them are up for it. I thought you were going to say, because I was going to say very quickly before we finish, good places to eat. This is actually the opposite. I would say you finish with Dracula and you pop to Palmerra.

Right. No, 5 a.m. Cabab house. It's a kebab house. I get the falafel wrap there. Sorry, it's actually not a cabb house. It's not a filthal. No, but that's what I'm saying.

It is a falafel house. It is a flat, right. Okay, I was like, maybe also does cabs as well. And it does, but it was incorrect for me to call that. It's mainly a falafel house. It's a falafel house.

And it's open basically until 5am. And it's on Nicholson Street. And it's like an Edinburgh institution. The same guy's been there for the last 15 years. There's photos of like Nish Kumar and like James Acaste from like 10 years ago. He used to come in all the time. It was like a thing to get your photo up on the wall. It's the place for when you have finished, you've been drinking and you're like,

I want to go back, but I want something for the bus. Yes, you go to Palmyra. Also, I would say Mums, which is a sausage and mash place. It does a good vegan sausage as well, but also it's got every different type of sausage with every different type of mash. And I still think it's great. And City Cafe for a fry-up, they're so rude, and the service is awful, but it's really good. It's quite poor.

No, no, it's not. If you get a large breakfast, it's like, it's like, for 12 people. It is good. The vegan breakfast is really good. Vegetarian, sorry, breakfast is really, really good there. Red Box for noodles. Actually, no, that's not good.

Oh, that's a great one. Is it good? No, no, it's not. After every single show, I would go there and just sit on my own and eat some nudes. But actually, yeah, maybe it's not good. Can you go to Red Box and tell me if it's good? Because I've been there every day and I still don't know. The caravan.

I've not been. The Thai caravan. Talk to me about it. The Thai caravan. Ting Thai caravan. Great. It's an unbelievable Thai place. and it's right on what I'm going to call Bristow Square,

I think that's what it's called, right by the Pleasant Stone. Just really like in the hub, the heart of the action. Oh my God, Steve, you'd like it so much. I'm going to see me on the 19th. That's what I'm going to be there. Pre-show, having some thing time. Great.

Oh, God, I'm excited. It just would be good to finish on food rather than shagging Dracula. And then getting out of his bed because he needs to do a show, thank you very much. A lot of fun. So much coming from me, I don't know what's happening here. I am sorry.

So we tell you once, I will end you with this, that is both food and Dracula-based. It's not about Dracula. It's just about Dracula. It feels like it's going to be about Dracula. It's not about Dracula. It was about Dracula of my later years. One of Desi's ex-boyfriends literally does look like Dracula. No, no, it's not even him.

But as we're establishing, it seems I have a time. I mean, dead. Oh, no. Dead behind the eyes. I'm dripping from the face. So, okay, the last time we did our doing our sketch show Mine and yours. Mine and yours.

Oh yes. Massive Dad. I and that year's Dracula. Oh, my God, another one who does look like Dracula. That year's Dracula at 2 a.m. were up against the door making out maybe 45 minutes. Yes.

Me thinking, oh my God, having the Edinburgh experience of my life. Yes. Dracula rides again. On me. And we weren't having sex in the Doyleitin. Just making out. Okay, thank you, Stevie.

And then... I'll say it there was a discussion afterwards about whether or not you were. What? With who? I don't want to spoil the story. Okay, so then, honestly, 45 minutes in, there's this little voice going,

ha, and we turn around, and there's Stevie holding a pizza box is now stone gold, so close to it. was and she had been so politely waiting for us to finish that she could come home. I was, I was hiding behind a billboard of Mark Watson for a long time because I didn't want you to look up and see me to this. So I was sort of did some stuff. But it was also like three in the morning. So I couldn't go anywhere. And then also then I was joined by I think the other person who like Liz and she

also came home and I was like you can't go home. She was like why. And she's like, okay. And that was where the discussion was happening. You thought we were actually boning. There was a point where it was so vigorous. I was like, she may be having sex against the door. And then literally like, no, she isn't, it's fully closed. It's fully closed. You thought had just my pants on? No, I got my full clothes from head to toe, I'd like everyone.

I was just very flamperm. I was caught up in the, oh my God, it was great. You had a great time. Yeah, good. Very much good for you. And you would be like, I'm a fun mom, but could I come in? I'm really hungry mom. So that was, do that if you want. If you want. Oh yes. And also you'll get something called flyer bag. Your bag will be

infected by. flyers. You won't be able to move because your bag will be so full of us. The recycling situation is not great in Edinburgh. So I always feel like I can't put it in the bin. Unfortunately, you do just have to put them in the bin. Just get them out because otherwise... They're going much, much better at the recycling this year. Good, okay. You can't fit anything else in your bag. So keep on top of the recycling. Wow. With the fly a bag, it's a very bad affliction. I'm so excited for you. Oh, me too. Come and see me. Come and see me. Enjoy the fringe. Tell me if you found Dracula. If you have said to Dracula. Whatever

What the Dracula means to you. But specifically, that Dracula. He's probably like 29 now. That's the thing. He was older than me at the time. He's 45, isn't he? Oh, no. It would be so bleak if I have a second

to the 45-year-old Dracula. Whose peak? Whose peak was there? He's still talking about it. He's still getting up and down from all the arm. The thing is, so am I. It would be cathartic for us both to get this out of our system. Have a lovely time at the fringe, yes.

And anyone else who's going up, do you go see Tet? and just enjoy yourself. I hope that helped. Come and see us if you're there. Come to us. At Nobody Panicpod. It's on Twitter. Nobodyopanicpodcast.com. Do you have any plugs to be doing? No plugs. No plugs. No plugs. Okay. Bye. Bye.