Nobody Panic - How to Have a Bath

Episode Date: February 7, 2023

Can you ever have a dry bath? What is a “bath of the mind”? Why is it that Stevie hates them so much and can she overcome it? Tessa (bath aficionado and creator of the Half Bath) talks Stevie through bath etiquette and, as ever, discovers her aversion isn’t about the bath. It’s about her soul. Warning this gets quite deep (like a bath). Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. than I thought it would be. It's more intimate than I was hoping for.

Like a bath. Like a bath. Welcome, everyone. I was hoping it would make... I don't know why I thought that would make the noise of the taps. No, sure. Yeah, because it's not...

That's insane. Yeah. In retrospect. She's pouring... For people who aren't on the Patreon watching this as a video, she was pouring water out of a glass receptacle into a smaller glass receptacle.

And I thought it would sound like a bath. And it didn't... And it didn't... Behold! Listen, we're all learning. Every day's a school day. Happy to have you. Please, come on in.

Pop in the bath with me, if you like. this episode is How to Have a Bath. Tip one, getting the bath with other people. I have tried that before. I thought it would be much more romantic and nobody liked it. Yeah, I think I've tried that once and we have a part of just too big. Yeah, that's the thing you think it sounds going... I'm not a cute little five foot two gal.

No. So it's like he's in, he's six foot two, I'm coming into, hello! It's much more admin. It's awful. And body slopping. Yeah, and then there's like a tap in your back. Yeah, tap in the back. And your legs.

Someone's at the tap end. Well, then someone's at the tap end. blew my mind and said, well, why don't you just sort of do spooning but up? You're both facing the tap. Well, lay on each other. Yeah, and then you're like, well, hang on. So how can we chat? It's for chatting? Yeah, and then it's like, well, it's not about chatting. They're like, yeah, it is. What are they doing? Just slopping on each other. Probably having some sort of very filmic sex, you know? I think that would be really disappointing. I'm searching it. Yeah. We're going to get into it. My first question for you is, why? Why? Why is this a such

the search issue for you, a search engine problem. And we'll also bring my enthusiasm for the bath and we'll just going to discuss the magic of the bath. And actually it'd be nice. It's going to be quite like a fun episode, you know, just lighthearted, bit of a laugh. Bubbly. A laugh in the bath. And if that's what you want, join us. I hope some people are in the bath. Oh my gosh, listening to Boggers in the bath.

What if you're, I was just about saying, what if your phone falls into the bath and electricates you? And I think now we're getting into the knob of why I'm front of baths because I've not really dug down or excavated. why that's not a thing. You can't electrocate yourself with your own phone in the bath, can you? No. You can't. You can't.

Yes, the reason is is because as an adult woman, it feels like there are certain things one must achieve. One of these things is curling up in a nook with a book. A nook with a book, yep, absolutely. One of these things,

which I've achieved. Smashed it. Smash it. Do it a lot. Can't get you out of the nook. Yeah, I'm stuck in the nook. That's fine. One of the other things is

having nails done and having a nail person Look at them. Look at you. Clang, clang. Clang. Man nails are done. They're exquisite and they're jet black like a witch but like hot. Hot witch.

Thank you. Hot young witch. Yes. And me? Say me. Oh my gosh. Nobody to panic blue sparkles. We could not be more on brand.

One of the other things is relaxing in the bath with the scented candle. And possibly the book's there too, but I don't know. Went to friend's house. She's got one of them trays. I've got one of those trays. The wooden trays, you can like chain, you can make them wider or shorter or short. They've got all, like, bits to me. They've got a thing that kind of comes up

so you can, like, balance your book or your iPad. I imagine that's, yeah, more than the modern day thing. A cup holder. It's like a very classy looking track. She had a Joe Malone candle on it and a book. And it was like, oh, it was all, what? And she wasn't herself. She wasn't in the bath.

It was just there because clearly she had a bath. And when I asked, she was like, oh, yeah, I've had a bath last night. Like, wow. So you're just there is there for the next time you have a bath. And her show Malone candle. What smell was it? Oh, I actually did. It was something, I forgot what it was called.

It was one of those smells, that's not a smell. You know, it was like... Knights of my life. Oh, right, okay. Bricks. Bricks. Was it definitely Joe Malone?

Yeah, it wasn't a Yankee one because I know that Yankees like, the post office. Yeah, because that's why I was like, it's a smell that's not a smell. Okay. It's Yankee. No, but I think other candle brands have...

Bratched into... Bratched into... This is not a smell. A silent night. At Moss. Yeah. So, I'm trying to romanticize my life. It's the year of 2020.

this is the year that I'm romanticising my life. I've managed to do it with the nook. I've managed to do it with my nails. I managed to do it with just like in general. Even when I get up in the morning, I'm like my shower, I've got like nice soaps, like nice things. I'm like, just, you know, I have a gown, like that sort of stuff. Can't get in the bath.

Love the idea of the bath. Often at the moment it's quite cold in my flat because the heating bills too much and I refuse to put it on. So bath is actually, I think, physically necessary. Get in, oh my gosh, the feeling is overwhelming. It's the best thing in the whole world. 30 seconds in, want to punch my own head off, get out of the bath. Hot, sweaty, angry.

Can't focus on my book. Glasses steaming up. Overhead light at the bathroom on. It feels like I'm in a doctor's surgery. Can't put small lights on because there are a nose of small lights. Can't reach the towel. Got a wet hand because my glasses are falling off my nose into the bath. Oh, yeah, sorry, I've also got thrush.

Because I put like Radox in and I think that's because the Radox has gone up me. It does disturb the flora and fauna. Sure. I googled it. bath bombs what's the point these are all my things shall we do the

adult thing of the week before you give me your repost absolutely absolutely I made a note to myself I have a few comments ready for the repost I will begin there with my adult thing of the week

which is Gen Z we know them we love them we fear them I don't know very many of them no of course I'm aware of them I'm sort of joking

we're afraid of them when they tell me that something is very millennial I immediately stopped doing it, like the side parting. I was like, okay, I'm a middle parting it is then forever. So I do fear them, yes. Yeah, they said we weren't allowed any skinny jeans. Now it's eyeliner flicks.

We're not allowed that. Cat's eyes, apparently. I love mine. I don't even have ever done it. No, I can't do it. But I would never come for my elders and tell them they couldn't do it. So we're not allowed to do catflix anymore. Of course, but it's been like, oh, that's an old fashioned thing to do.

Right. So here is me bridging the divide, olive tree across the warline. Not even an olive branch and olive tree. I'm carrying it. It's fucking enormous. Yes. So out at a tourist attraction, there was a need for an external photographer. Normally I would simply say I'd rather die. Like either someone just isn't in the photo or a selfie, either way it's disappointing. Who cares?

And then someone in our group was like, I'm going to ask that girl. The coolest looking girl I've ever seen in my life. Yes. I was like, please don't. Don't bring her over here. This teenage girl. And I was like, no, no, no. Ask our compatriots.

And everyone in the group was like, don't bring her. And my friend was like, guys, they're the best at taking photos. We've got to ask them. She was ever so nice. She took an incredible photograph. Right. And I was like, okay, wow. She was like, I'm tap, tap, tapping here.

And we were all like, okay, wow, actually. And it made me think, number one, I must tell the people of the podcast, find a teenage girl. Yes. And then I thought, and also to be like, let's not be so, you know, afraid of them. Because they can take good photos. Sure. I think we're sort of told there's more of a divide between us than there maybe actually is. You know, we're very much like online, they're like, oh, they all hate us.

And I'm like, oh, okay. This is very much a culture war. A culture war, in a way. that's being stirred up by the left-wing mainstream media. What I'm saying is, hey, I think this cultural war has been slightly fabricated. You know, it's very easy to be like, the Gen Zs have cancelled this now, and you're like, oh, God. But actually, I was like, they're ever so nice. They're just trying their best.

They're just people. And crucially, they take exquisite photos. So may I recommend that to you and try and embrace their Gen Zeta if you see one in the street? Just embrace them. Embrace them. Okay. Mine's very quick, my adult thing. And you've mentioned it before.

I get my nails done. And the last year I was just like, oh God, every time I just want black or white, I need to get other colours because I can't just get the same thing every time, because that's boring. So I would get like blue and then hate them for like three months. Or I'd get like, I don't like them on other people. It's just on myself. They don't look like my hands.

And now I've realized it's black. That's all I want. Gorgeous for you. You can get matte black. I can get like a little bit of gold on it. I'm just going to have black. That's what I'm doing. Exquisite.

And it's made the process of going there less stressful. I know what I'm going to get and I don't look at the big wall and go out of all of that and make all those, like, why am I going for the same one? Like, what's wrong with me? I go, enough of you. I would like black nails, please. You know what made me think of? What? Steve Jobs. What did he call it? Like the paralysis of choice or whatever? Yes, that's why he always will be the same thing. Yeah, that's, I think just decided me like, this is my colour. Yeah. It's a huge theme not to be like, oh, go with all the colors and what if it's this and what if I hated or one of it. It's like, ah. Yes. You know what you like, you like black nail

Thank you. Okay. You know what you like and what you like is getting in the bath. Right. So. So do you have a repost before you talk about your bath journey? Well, I'd like to discuss your punching yourself in the skull. That's the phrase that you use. Sorry. Yes. So you get in. And then what's this transitional change in the 30 seconds? Okay. So get in and like, oh, this is so great. So what are you feeling that's so nice? Oh, it's so warm. Oh, it's so warm. Oh, gosh, it's so warm. I feel so cozy like a big hug. Okay. Just a nude woman in a bath. I'm quite hot. I'm hot. I've got a hot face. I'm uncomfortable. It's fine. I'll distract myself with this book. Oh, I can't see. I can't stand it. I'm too hot now. Oh, my glasses have flipped off. Okay. Now I've got the ink is smeared on the book.

And then I'm like, oh, you know what? It's actually not actually nice. I'm going to get out. One time I sat on the floor of the bathroom because I'd got in the bath so quickly that it would make no sense for me to have got out and made, like, it actually took less, I was in the bath for less time than it took to run the bath and I was like, that actually has to be a rule that I can't get out of the bath soon. I might just have a shower, what a waste of water. So I sat on the floor of the bath, no, and the, of the bathroom being like, I'll just give it like five minutes, I'll just finish my book, near the bath. So I have the semblance of feeling calm, I've got the scented candles, but I don't want to be in the bath and then I thought this is

actually too much. Okay, so the, you didn't mind the bathroom atmosphere. I love the bathroom atmos. I love the isolation, the aloneness, the, so sorry, I'm going to have a bath now, close the door. Ah, it's my own place. I don't like being hot and wet. Right.

Okay. Get in the bath without any water in it? Is that? Genuinely, that's coming up as an option. But that could be something. I say to you so much, like, don't think about what is socially acceptable thing, what you want to do. And like, I say that to you all the time. I'm like, it's not mad if you're in, like, you like, you like it.

I think I've drawn the line at getting into a, a bald bath. You're identifying what all the things are. The door is closed. I call it dry bathing. It could be a thing. And why not? I'm going to start having a dry bath. I can't believe it.

Genuinely, the dry bath could be an option for you. Read a book somewhere else. Put a candle on, read a book in bed. You know, that's fine. Or go on the sofa and read a book, you know? It's just something about getting in the, bath just feels so socially, or it's been socialised into me, that it feels so like time for me. I feel like it just feels good to do it, but I don't like doing it.

Okay. I'm going to name a couple of things here. Okay. Coffee. Antchevies. Beer. All things you can take in the bath. Things you can take in the bath. No. An old, an old fashioned cocktail, bourbon, vodka, soda, lime. high heels, a tight chignon bun. I'm naming a list of things that we might classify as adult things that we're told we're supposed to like, and which I personally detest. You don't like it. Why don't you like a chignon bun? Too tight. It is too tight.

Too tight. I'm like, it hurts my head. Oh, okay. When I say to you, I'm embarrassed to don't like coffee. I'm embarrassed to know like anchors or don't like an old-fashioned, or I just want to drink my strawberry dairies. What do you say to me? live your truth and I mean that in the non-lame way have the strawberry daquery

when you said about the hot water with the coffee because you don't like hot drinks but you do like hot water but you don't order hot water in Starbucks and you feel silly it's like order it that's fine yeah get in the dry bath that feels

feel okay so you could told me through your bath okay so have you got any kind of bath I'm going to call it the desk bath but have you got anything? I've got a full tray.

I've got the same tray than my friend had. I just saw her using it to its full potential. And you didn't, okay. That was I was just having a little check

vis-a-vis, because I was worried you were sort of flopping things just about the place, but I see that you've got this thing. You have a right to be worried and to question things. Right.

So my tray situation, my... Can I guess? Yeah? Bit of wood you found from Travis Perkins. Worse? Worse.

Bit of wood you found in a bin? Okay. Exactly. the width of the bath. So good. Unbelievable. So I work in the bath quite a lot. What sort of taught me through the work you're doing?

You're doing admin? You're doing creative thinking? Both laptop open. Yeah, what if? Right, that's for the load. Okay, fine, okay, yes. Okay, so charge it up. That's on the desk bath.

Drink, snacks, bits. So you're nude while... Yeah. Sometimes I've got my hat on. Sometimes I've got my jumper on. Okay, so I receive a lot of flack for this, but I invented something called the half bath, which is you're just very cold

and you don't want to put the heating on or anything and you're like cold into your bones and just like I want my knees also like I've got quite bad joints I think and so like I just want to just mind like to steam my joints hot and so I would get in what you've said that sounds like you're some sort of chicken or like

yeah steam my joints hot so then I was like but it feels like too much commitment to take all your clothes off and be completely naked so I would have a hat on jumper on yeah porky pig into the bath you know what you do

and everyone's like well doesn't the bottom your jumper get you're yes it does so what you do is you tuck that into your bra you roll it up

and you tuck that into your bra all the way around and you're in but couldn't you just whip your top off and go onto the water and then there's no love lost

if I mean it's well that's the thing we're not in the prefect bath in Harry Potter you know we're not in this exquisite enormous deep bath

it's not deep enough to get you full of bosoms and I do believe that the bosoms out is what is what makes things tip over into something

a new Yes, because you would say bodily, half would be somewhere around the groin area, but actually half is weirdly two-thirds, because I agree, it is the boobs, yeah. Once the bosom's free, that's a whole new ballgame. Yes. So that's why half-bath, jumper on, tuck it up, hat on, and we're off, you know. So I've got my little tray over the top, I've got my laptop out, and I'm working in there. I could be in there for hours.

I just like to be warm. And you keep topping up the water as it goes. Yeah. Yeah. So important thing about me is I have actually need. never in my life been too hot. Except that time we went to Salisbury on the train. That was too hot.

But other than that, like, I'm always cold. Like, I could always be warmer and I could always have more layers on and I could always, I could always have a bath. Okay. So when I get in the water, I never think this is too hot. So my suggestion for you is, I do believe your water is too hot. I think it is because I think I get impatient because I'm like, oh, that sort of hurts my foot when I test it, but I'm sure I'll be able to deal with it.

Could you do an impression of getting into the bath for me? So the bath's here. Yeah. So I'll go. She's beginning. One foot's in. Oh, that's hot. Yeah, she's dept her toe and that's too hot.

Don't be a weakling. Ah! And then I listen up and then I'm like, oh, there's a red line. And I'll be like, okay, that seems fine. And I'll go in and then I'll wait for ages and I'll be like hot. And I'll maybe put some cold in because I'll maybe get a bit scared. But you're fully stood up now. I'm stood up.

But the feet are in. Feet are in. And I'm got, and I've got, and I'm bent over like this. And I'm doing this to get all of all of, anyway, do that. And then when I'm like, I can't tell if it's actually cold or my skin has just got used to it, I sort of crouched down like this. Yeah. And then I'm sliding like this.

I've got my bath pillow on. And then it's in, oh, no, don't. And then I sit down on the floor. Okay, I think I've identified some areas. Okay. That we can improve on. I should be going in face first. Face first for a start.

Listen, we've all done it in getting in the bath that's way too hot. Yeah. And then be like, fuck it. Just carry on. But then you're like, your core temperature, I think. I think you genuinely have burned yourself. And also I think you have some core regulation issues. So.

Yeah. And you can't self-regulate. And I do think starting with a slightly cold as an experiment. And I think firstly, we can just take baths off the table for you. That's an option. But I think before we do that completely, let's just have a little experiment. Let's try with a colder bath. To the point that you're like, that's not pleasant.

Okay. Like as in you're like... And then we're going to heat it. And then we're going to heat it once you're in. So like, not to be cold, not horrid. But just like, oh, that's lukewarm. So that when you get in there, you're looking for temperature. You're actively craving the heat rather than getting into it.

It's like I'm some sort of like reptiles. Yeah, but that's the thing. Everybody's different. And it's very easy to be like, well, I'm watching someone else do it. Why can't I do it? But you just need your own different strokes for different folks. I can't ask you to involve yourself in the half-bath situation. I don't think that I have to know ourselves.

and that's no one option for you. I do like the idea. Little hat on. Okay, hat on. But might get too hot. If I'm too hot, is a hat on helpful? No, then the hat comes off. Oh, thank you.

The hat's off as soon as soon as. Okay. Okay. So, it's lukewarm. Uh, if you like. Okay. Okay, so it's lukewarm. You're in.

And now we turn the top on. Yeah. And we allow you slowly... Acclimatize. Toer climatize and temperature with the bath. Okay. Until you're like, okay, that's pleasant. Right.

Then the thing goes off. Unless keeping it on would help you feel less of that. sort of, that's a finite decision now. I mean, you've really bang on the money there. Yeah? Yeah, maybe keep it on. I think keep it on. I think just begin, so we're in.

It's actually not got that much water in. This is all the pre-bath time if you're running it. Yes. So you don't have to feel any pressure because we're still in the pre-bath stage. It's pre-bath. Prebath. So while we're still in Prebeth, what do you feel you could try? The book or the telly?

I'm too frightened to take my laptop into the bath. Okay. But I could do a book. I like the idea of a try, but I didn't know what to put on it. That's okay. So where's the toilet? Could you put your iPad on the toilet? No, there's nothing to put...

There's nothing to put your... I can't reach yet. Could you bring a chair in? Oh, wow. Okay. A bath stall. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that.

And then your partner comes in and reads to you. That's not true. But the chair is in the corner. The iPad is tucked up on there and that's on now and you're watching your show. Okay. Yeah, I can watch TV from the back. Yeah. So it's not in the bath with you.

It's so difficult because I think I'm just like, why wouldn't I just watch TV? Why don't I have to watch TV nude and wet? Like I don't understand it. But that's the, if you're not getting any pleasure for your limbs like unfurling or like, it doesn't feel nice to be in the water, then it doesn't feel nice. No, of course. I need to find that. I basically, all that is, very simple.

I've not found my right temperature. I've been trying to push myself to the temperature I think it should be. Yeah. Rather than go, what do I want? What do you want? What do you want? As a human with skin. Okay.

Next time you get home and it's like cold and wet. I'm not about tonight, but the way. Okay. Cold and wet tonight. Yeah. As in like, it is cold. So on your walk home, let's try and get colder. I want you to really be relishing the bath.

Yes, yes. Not to feel like a chore to feel like, oh my God, I can't wait to get in a bath and like unfurl, like thaw out. To romanticize the bath, my issue is that like I've just realized now, so I don't go on my phone in the bath. I'm like, no, people don't do that. You're supposed to like read a book or something. It's like, but why don't, why not? Why can't I just go on my phone? Yeah, go on your phone.

I'd like that. But then I feel guilty because I'm not doing the bath right. think what's happened is I'm realizing that it's not the bath, it's me, it's the bath in me. So I need to like be me in the bath. Absolutely, yes. Because you're sitting here like, I've got my hat on, if anything, I've got more clothes on than I would if I wasn't in the bath. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, I couldn't do that because what about, you know, like, why?

I mean, I couldn't, I wouldn't want to do that. No, sure. But that's fine. Many people don't. And it's too much for them. You've got your own inner bath temperature just right. Yeah. You know exactly what you want to do in there.

you don't want to achieve. You know what you do. I think I have to do something in the bath that. I'm like, yeah, but you can't do that in the bath specifically to get myself out of this like, no, I've got my candles like that and I've got a book. And if I'm not doing that, that's not bath stuff. Can we attempt to find the splinter effect here of like what moment in your early life gave you this like very key idea that this is what a bath should be?

I think most films, TV shows, descriptions of baths and books. Okay. And also it's the same thing. I think it's similar to like when we grew up the Disney. films and stuff and it was like this is also what a relationship should be like I think it's like a very very simple simplified because obviously all those other things are quite big important things so I've worked through what I think actually a relationship is really like or I've worked through what what friendship is but a bath doesn't seem to be that important so I've just not actually

sat down and gone why are you so bothered about what bath is yeah yeah I think I understand 100 percent you've become obsessed with this idea and this woman isn't helping your friend that's like, here's my book and here's my Joe Malone candle. Let's have no candles. It's abandon ship on that. And let's just you get in the bath, strip yourself back to the dark night of the soul here and actually be like, what do I want in this experience? Is it your phone?

Is it a pan of pasta? I think I just want to go on TikTok and look at like, you know, the men making the nice calming mugs and stay in those windows. Do that then? Do you honestly think that nobody ever brings their phone into the bar? I do think that. I just think that that is for me, you know what? I feel like everything has to be efficient or like is a wasted.

I've got a thing in my head and I'm like, well, that's, I obviously have a problem with that I'm starting to realize. So with this, it's not that it's wrong to do that. It's that I feel like, well, I shouldn't do that because I should make the most of my bath time. Like this is a time that should be, it's just like how my entire 20, well, up until I was 28, I didn't read any books because I was like, I could only read classical fiction, obviously, because everything else is waste. and then didn't like it. Then it was like, well, I said,

I can't read books. And then someone bought me gone girl, and that broke the seal. And I was like, it's so fun! And then someone's like, why are you reading that then?

And then it's like, oh, right, okay, so I just read what a book. But like, but like, I have such a thing

of like, I've got to do it the right way. Yeah. It's so exhausting. Exactly. Let's put that all down for you,

the right way. The should. The shower. The shower? Yeah. What happens in the shower? I always think that showers,

Like I'm not doing showering right as well. Why what are you doing in there? Like I'm always worried that I'm faced like, I don't want to know because I'll freak out like what way people face in the shower. Like, do you know mine? Yeah.

Well, if we sat down wearing some sort of like old Germanic dress or something. At work. I am constantly rotating like a reticery chicken. I don't expect that. Okay, that's helpful. Okay, fine. But like just take, and I know that we're coming at this polar opposites here that like, but like, but I just take.

do think attempt to like strip it back to be like do I actually enjoy this and what aspects do I enjoy and also take that efficiency thing away from it because you're like what what's nothing efficient about a bath no if you wanted to be efficient have a shower yeah and even that I'm not very efficient but like just like no I'm too efficient not every minute of the day needs to be efficient and also that's thing you can work in there you can eat in there you can do anything in there like you can this is your time to do whatever you want and if you want to go and do do that obviously watch your shows but it's truly like if you don't enjoy the feeling of your limbs being warm then I do like the feeling of my limbs being warm

I've realized it's the my two mistakes are again been like this is too hot this is what you deserve it should be hot you like hot showers why do you like hot because they're like very very hot showers I do like that because they're quick

because I'm very efficient in the shower I'm in, I'm out and people are suspicious but like I'm very good at showering but then I feel bad about it I'm good at it's like there is no good at it there's no right and wrong I was going to be like I'm good at it but then some people think I'm bad at it

because of how quick I am, but I'm not, I'm good at it. But that's the thing no one thinks you're not good at it. No one gives a shit. No one gives a shit about your showering experience. I think Stevie. Okay. There's no correct thing. Why is it always psychological and deep?

Why can't it just, why can't a bath be just a bath? But that's the thing because you've put all this weight to it. And so you're like, okay, and now when you're waiting for the like, when will it begin? The great transcendent experience where I feel relaxed in this bath. Like all the lovely ladies in the pictures. Yeah. That's never going to happen. No, and I suppose if people took a photo of me in the bath,

I would look like one of those. I don't know if you would. No, sorry, no, no. Sorry, not after 30 seconds when I'm getting in an hour. But there's a moment where I'm in and I'm like, oh, this is nice. And then like, obviously, I look like a woman enjoying a bath. Yeah.

And no one knows what's going on inside in the bath of my mind. So in those pictures, anything could have been happening for those women. They could be having a terrible time. Exactly. So tonight, you're home, you're cold, you're straight in, lukewarm. Yeah. things still running so that you don't feel... I've made the decision.

The decision yet. We can't go back. We're still pre-bar. Because we've sailed if we've gone back. Exactly. So it's not like, oh, it's stopped now. I think that is, can be quite overwhelming. You've made the bath.

You're supposed to be the perfect temperature. You turn the taps off. And here it is, begin the bath. I think that can be quite overwhelming. So you get in ahead of time. Cheat the bath. Cheat, cheat the bath. This is all borrowed time in.

I do think people listening are going to think that I'm at, I've really lost it. But look, sometimes things don't have to be relatable. Sometimes they're just fun. And it's nice to hear some of having a worse time than you. It's not fun. But it's fun if you're not bothered by it. Anybody listening at home, they can be like, there is something in my life, shingong buns, beer, anchovies, dinner parties, wearing a blazer, transitioning from day to night.

Anything that as a child you were like, this is what I'll be like. And then when you get there, you're like, this is, I'm doing it wrong. Yes. Why can't I do it? And that's because you aren't trying to enjoy the thing. You're trying to do it right. You can't, there's no right. Do your own thing in there, baby.

And that, if truly, if that is dry bath, if that is getting in your bath, I don't know, do you. I'm not going to do a dry bath. I can't. I refuse, actually. I think it's best if you don't as well. I'm glad I had it's an option on the table. It's lovely and freeing.

May I bring an analogy here? It is the runaway bride, Julia Roberts's and Richard Gere's disappointing follow-up. I'm saying it. We're all thinking it to their experience on. pretty woman. She has had a number of relationships, perhaps five, where she's attempted to go down the aisle and run away from them all. Hence the titular name. And the thing that Richard Gia uncovers about her is he says such a funny thing. He goes to meet all her past grooms that she

never made it down the aisle. And he says, how does she, right when he's leaving, as he gets the door, he's like, oh, one more thing. How does she like her eggs? And And they all say of it, the first one is like, scrambled, same as me. And then the next one, he does the same thing. And he's like, oh, how about the eggs out of the wind? And he's like, poached, same as me. And all of them say a different type of egg, same as me. Wow.

And his whole thing to her is like, you don't know what eggs you like because. I remember that. Yeah. And then weirdly at the end, she cooks all the types of egg. Okay, that is weird, yeah. Even though they'd be cold. Yeah, yeah. And she sits at the table.

And odd. Who wants to eat all? loads of different eggs. So there's like 20 eggs on the table. And she tries all the eggs to force herself to be like, what eggs do I like? And then they have a row, Richard and Richard Gere and then right at the end, she says, Scrambled. It's scrambled.

That's how I like my ex. And then they run off, but he doesn't like scrambled. And that's what makes them a good couple. Anyway, then they get married. My point is, you need to cook all the eggs. I do. All they even bath eggs. You need to try it out.

Okay. And if at the end of it, it turns out you fucking hate eggs. Fantastic. We've found the answer. You can remove that from your life. And my disdain for bath bombs is just because I don't like the bath. They're fucking stupid. Bath bombs are disgusting.

But like all the girls. No, they don't. Who? Name the girls. I've got one girl who I do know who does like bath bombs. And she's got like a bowl of them. And she's like, he doesn't remember my cool bath bombs. And I'm like, what do you do?

You just put them in and then you watch them die. And then what does she say to that? I didn't say that. I just went like, yeah, I like them as well. Okay, okay. It's fine. We should wrap this up soon. I know we should, but also I really think we're getting to something really raw.

You don't have to be the girl with the bath bombs. No, I don't have to be the girl with the bath bombs. It's important. The egg, I think, is a good analogy. Yeah. Because she's always just like, I want what you have. But she actively said, like, that's my favourite as well. Like, you being like, I love bath bombs too.

I only feel I'm so, uh, want to help you here because I know that this has been exactly reversed with perhaps like, dinner parties or drinking or the time I tried to order a vodka, lime and soda and you were like, you're going to hate that. And I was like, no, that's what the ladies drink. And then like, I drank your little face. And you were like, do you hate that? I was like, no, I love it. This is what the ladies drink. Yeah, it's horrible. And so like, so much of your adult life is being like, oh, here are all the visions. Here is a tiny handful of the visions that are in line with my actual life and here's the 10 years of work I'm going to have to put in to accept that the visions don't have to align with who I actually am.

Oh, God, that's so good. I'm so annoyed at myself that I'm so able to help you with that, but I can't see it myself. Well, that's the very, that is the nature of humanity. And low, there's the rock. That's all of human philosophy. I didn't see it with, when we started doing this episode, I didn't think that this was where, that it was going to be baths, that was going to be the thing. But it is, yeah.

No, you hit the nail on the head there. I'm going to have a bath tonight. Okay. A bath, Stevie style. Stevie style. Will it be scrambled? Will it be approached? We don't know.

We don't know yet because you're on your journey to find out from your age. You're not going to find it tonight, by the way. You're just going to start the journey. Oh my God. I was pressing my teeth together so hard because I'm so worried that the bath won't go well. It's probably won't. It won't. Because it's just a bath.

It's just a bath. You're putting too much on this bath. How can it go well? And if it doesn't think you don't like baths, you don't like baths. But you're going to just try, just give it a chance. To try and find if there is one for you. If you go, oh, it's going to be a right, don't bother tonight. It's going to be a right off.

It's going to be right off, yeah. But we're getting in lukewarm, abandon ship on the candles. No. That's all we're doing so far is trying to find the temperature, first step. Yeah. And my only top tip of you is to put the towel on the floor right beside the bath. So we get out, I don't fall over. No.

So that when you get your hands all wet and upset, because your hands are too wet, you just lean over the edge. Of course, just nobody panic. He's a towel to dry hands. But that's the thing you were like, yes, I wasn't doing it. You kept being like, like, there's a two. wet. They're too wet. And I'm drying my hair.

Exactly. So just lean gently over. There's the towel. And that's dry now. And now the hands are dry. I'm a capable woman. The thing is, I really want to come with you. It's what I really want to do.

It would be weird. It would be weird, but I really think we could identify. Look, I might live tweet the experience. Who knows? Please do. Thank you so much for listening. I hope that helped you. Sometimes every few times, it's just an episode for one of us.

And look, I don't know if that. Every few times. I think it's more regular than you think. Yeah, every time it's just for us. And hopefully that was... Maybe you've got something else that isn't a bath, but you've got to find... Whatever your personal egg is.

Yeah. Your personal egg, yeah. You take the time to be like, I'm going to do eggs my way. And if at the end it's no egg, that's an answer. Don't ever wash yourself. That's okay. Your showers.

Yeah, that's true. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you, truly, for being with us to the end. Hello, Patriots. Thank you for being our patron. If you're a patron, you get this episode filmed as well. So you're to see me doing this thing. I'm naked.

See you next week for more really hot topics. Hot as a bath. But not that hot. Not that hot. Please join us next week. We'll see you then. Bye.