Nobody Panic - How To Have A Long Distance Relationship

Episode Date: May 7, 2019

Will it work if your lover/fancyman/fancyperson has to move away? Will it work if they already live really far away? How can you make sure you still make it through the "I can't hear you can you hear me?" skype sessions? Stevie and Tessa check out apps and advice on how to make an LDR work.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true, Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. panic. Hello, Stevie, you're so far away. I don't think this is going to work, Tessa. What? Is it the time zone? Or the delay? No, it's... Are you talking now? Shall I talk? No. Hello? Can you hear me? I wish there was a podcast that would help us in our conundrum. There is, this one. This episode,

which will feature some fun background sounds, because someone's trying to print something in the next room, the tortoise is walking around and they'll probably have a shower. So, apologies, but if anything, it's quite real, quite raw, quite fun, you know? It's real. It's real. It's real. It's It's fun, you know? It's raw. It's like live from Stevie's flat, you know? Because it is. This episode is about how to have a long distance relish.

Have you had a long distance relish before? It didn't last. So, oh, I see. I mean, I've done it on a small, on a short term. Yeah, okay. So you saw that it was hard, right? Because it is a hard thing. I think that's the thing that people are like, oh, it's really hard.

What are you like, yes, of course it is. Like, you have to accept that first. I really shot my mouth off when, um, Cat, of course, my housemate, got a job in Australia, and she was like, I don't want to go, it was only for six months, and I was like, and she didn't want to go because of her boyfriend, and I was like, blah,

blah, blah. I was so neat, lovely and sympathetic. So sympathetic, I was like, go, of course, but then when I have been in a relationship and was away for like a week, I was like, it's so hard. The heart is crumbling. My little hard, it was whoa.

So, it's very easy when you're not in one to poo-poo. It'd be like, how hard, ma-ma, ma-ma, what are you talking about? Wine, wine, wine. Great friend. Great friend. What a supporter of a fantastic friend I was.

But then when you are in it, you're like, oh, this is really tricky. I understand why people complain. Yeah, absolutely. But before we get into it, we have actually done research on it, and we've asked some people who have been in them. So it's not just me being like, I guess this, but I don't think I'd be able to do it. So I'm also, firstly, would I'd like to say, absolute salute to you and it does work people do do it my parents did it for where to where my dad's

job is uh means that he goes on tour and goes away for sometimes 18 month blocks where he'll like maybe come back for the odd weekend but you know that he's gone and that's been like that ever since they first started going out and so they've had to go through long-distance relationships when there was no WhatsApp there was no like Skype there was no there was just like hello and then him being like on a pay phone and like Manhattan being like, I don't, this is ten, ten thousand dollars, I don't know what to, and then them having to put the phone down,

that was their call for the day. So like, they've managed to make it work, and they're still together. My parents, when they first lived in Canada, when they were young, they lived in Fort McMurray, and my dad worked on the oil rigs, so you went out for the whole winter.

Oh my God. And they, I think you went just like six months solidly. I don't know if you came, how often you came back during that time, and my mom worked, was running a restaurant, and then you had to call shipped ashore to the oil rig on a special phone that you like went to the office to do and you had to basically press a button for the other person to speak

and my mum never pressed it so she just would be like chat chat chat chat chat chat chat telling all these stories and then my dad would be like bellowing like because then she couldn't hear him and he didn't say anything so she was like okay well it's another story and they were like okay well bye and that would be their communication A monologue. Yeah, so basically my dad just received several podcasts from her, basically. Oh, that's very sweet.

That's very sweet. Yeah, and he never spoke anything back. And in her mind, she was like, great chat. What a great two-way convoy that we just had. If you're in one now and you're like, oh, it's so hard. Do you know that, I mean, you've got lots of lines of communication. That's one positive. Literally 24-7.

They absolutely are. My sister's in a long-distance relationship. Her boyfriend now lives in London. But when he didn't, they are when he goes back to Australia, which is where he's from. their time difference is so off so she has to get up at like five in the morning to chat to him and it's always so he's out partying or like

he's quite tired in his house and she's like morning and he's like night what's your adult thing this week because... Can I just say the person who wrote in about this one? Yes please. We had two separate ones about this. This is a shout out to Annie and to Sophie who both said please can we do something about

how to do a long distance relationship. Fair enough it's a good... It's a good topic before we get into though What was your adult thing? Oh, mine is... I've been desperate to hear about your postal service. Absolutely chomping at the bit to tell you. So I, in this new spate of my dad has decided to sell everything in the house.

Didn't know that. And it keeps throwing things at me, things at me and charging at me to put them on eBay. Right. And then we keep getting offers for things. And he's like, take the offer, take the offer. Take the offer. Take it in the auction. It's, you know, it's a live wire in the house. Anyway, we sold these chairs.

these wicker chairs. We sold some chairs. And I had put collection ideally, but then I thought to myself, well, what if the postage was like £40. And I was like, what if they're actually just like down the road and I delivered

them, but we get an extra £40 for these chairs. Oh no. Yeah. There was like 10 podcasts ago where you were like, I've learnt now to not, like, you're saying a mattress I think, and you were like, and it was collection only and I was like, no, I'm going to You're going to pay that extra 10 pounds for delivery because I've learned.

I've learned. And now you're delivering multiple wicker chairs to save 40 pounds. Correct. Okay. So, okay. Sometimes that one thing is not a straight line. It's not a straight line, but we're certainly going to get there. Peaks and troughs, yeah.

Peaks and troughs. Okay, so I forgot that thing. I was so excited about the idea. The chairs weren't eventually for 180 pounds. Jesus Christ. They were antique original Lloyd Lume wicker chairs. I didn't know what that is, but sounds good. Well, neither did I before I got deep into selling them on eBay.

Lloyd Lois loom. Yeah. Now I'll point one out next time we see one, which will be never because they're weird. Anyway, sold these chairs, extra £40 for the delivery. I was like, what if we luck out, and it's somewhere really close,

and I'll deliver the chairs. Of course, it was Norwich, which is so far away. My instinct was to not tell my parents. I was like, what I'll do is I'll just get up in the night, get the car, just drive, take the chairs, and I'll just drive them.

The petrol will be about 40 quits. Yeah. Oh, easily. Easily. It's like three and a half hours. Okay. Drive. And then three and so seven hours.

And honestly, if my parents had been like aware or anything and it was, it would have not, they would have known I'd done it. No questions asked. I've been like, get in the car. Get in the car. We're going to Norwich. Which is a real insight into my psyche that's like, tell no one, explain nothing, drive to Norwich.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Never revealed that you fucked up. Yeah. When on the internet turns out that to send a large part of, with the Royal Mail is with parcel force. It cost 30 pounds. Somebody comes to your door, collects the chairs.

Yes. What? For £1.50 more or less, you can deliver... For £1.50 less, you can take them to the depot yourself. Or pay £1.50. They come and get you from your door. You're like, yes, please. So a man just comes and gets them in your one hour time slot,

comes and gets your package, puts in his van, drives it to Norwich. Why doesn't Royal Mail do that? That is Royal Mail. Oh, I'm so sorry. Passle horse is a part of Royal Mail if you have a big parcel. So they won't just come and get your letters. You have to like, you have to.

Well, you could. If you wanted to send you a, pay 30 pounds someone to come and get your letter. Far enough. Anyway, Man came and got it. Off they went. Plus, I just Googled parcel foil, parcel, and it was like,

going for the first time, his 20% off. Then it says they have to go there in 48 hours. Then they messaged me and were like, we're so sorry. They actually took, they were actually a day late. So here's 25%?

off your price. Amazing. Unbelievable scenes. So not only am I thrilled to have used parcel force, thank you parcel force. I'm, it was a real journey of like

don't put the chairs in the car. Yeah, great. I'm so glad that you didn't put the chairs in the car. Yeah. That would have been so sad an outcome. It would have been a really sad outcome. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just secretly driving. Oh, that's great. My adult thing is so much less good than that. But is it royal mail-based? Yeah, last week I was like, a button fell off. my address and I'm taking it back and then I thought that'll be a good month that I you know I'll wait until the very last minute took it about the next day to the demo absolutely popped it in

um essentially my adult thing is that I posted a parcel but it's so hard to do it is hard to although I did lose the button that'd fallen off oh no so I've just posted it back with not a button in it but even that just needs to be returned because there's no button there the level of achievement when you get to the post office is absolutely monumental astounding. Because it feels like it's taken days. I feel like that as well. You know when you've got like a bank thing that you can't do on like

the app and you can't do on online bank, you have to go into the bank and queue up and then they go like, what are you here for? And you're like, yeah, you do have to queue up. You're like, yeah, you do have to queue up. You're like, my God, I'm going to speak to a person. I feel like that as well. I'm like I'm doing what like adults do. Yeah, it feels like

ready the wagons, we're going into town. We got business in town. The bank and the bank. the post office. We've got to do things and maybe go to our special safety deposit box, see if we've got any clues or treasures. We're also a detective. A scientific and things shown up. Yeah, there's lots going on. But yeah, it really cheers me up when I've done a job like that. Cheers me up when it went. Yeah. Small things. So, long distance relationship, you can hear the tortoises in the background,

but I'm just going to plow on. She'll be, she's, she's plowing on. She's having a great day. So I feel like Lots of relationship Longest relationships Lots of a couple that I've heard about Haven't worked for Like lack of communication reasons Yes

Say someone's from Greece And someone's from America And the person in America is like Oh I'll come and live in Greece for a bit And then the person's like They live in Greece for a bit And they're like well I'll come over to America But neither wants to settle down there

Yes Each person is going You know but all reason my children and my kin in my home country. Yes. And then no one says that until it's too late. Or you're like, ha ha ha ha, la, we don't know where we're going to raise our kids. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, we don't know where we're going to raise our kids. Kids are such a massive thing because when you're just like plotting around the world, having a little, maybe I'll live here for a bit. Maybe I'll get a job as a scuba diver. Maybe I won't. Could be. Could be. Vineyard, shall we? But then as soon as you got a child, you've got like another two years where you can sort

strap in a papoose and carry on with your business. But then it's got to go to school and you can't just move it out of its school all the time. It's got to go to the school. Yeah. And so suddenly it's like... It's like a solid... And also like obviously people listening, I'd be like, well, I don't have... What? Kids.

But I mean like in terms of kids is a good sort of symbol for like, yes, but you do need to settle down at some point. Kids is like... Kids is a good... Is the representative of the massive anxiety of what am I doing with my life? Yes. and are we going in the same direction? And are we going in the same direction? And, you know, where are they going to school?

And what sort of games will they play? And do I want to raise them by the beach or in the town? What is a shark? What if there's a shark? I think the, even if you don't even want children, the idea of just like, where am I going here? What am I trying to achieve? Yeah, yes.

Suddenly the idea of, oh, I don't know if that could work in this scenario becomes a lot more important than, like, if you're just in a relationship in, and you're in the same city, you don't have to really think about that, because you're like, well, I guess at some point, that will happen or it won't.

But if there's such a huge barrier so early on, it's like, oh, we maybe have to sort that out, just so you know. I think it's such a massive anxiety that everyone has that's like, where am I going? What am I doing?

Have I made the right choices? Yeah. Who are? Who am I? But it's just exacerbated so hard. By the distance. By the distance. And also, I was thinking then as well,

like, I think it's incredibly difficult. I'd say nearly impossible. to conduct a very casual relationship long distance if both people aren't like, yeah, this is casual and chilled. If one, like, you know, so there's quite a lot of friends I have who will start a relationship and they'll be like, I don't know, he doesn't, he's a bit, he's not really texting back, or I don't know, like, I feel like I'm more into it

or they're like, I think he's more into it than I am. That's, if you're in a long distance relationship, then that goes from zero to 100 very quickly, right? It's like, suddenly now, like, jealousy's involved and something you wouldn't feel if they were half an hour or around the corner. Yes, it makes things immediately difficult

from being like, shall I get on this bus and come and see you tonight to shall I pay £600 for an aeroplane ticket? Yeah, is it worth it? I'm going to get there and you're not that arsed?

Yeah. Like, you need more reassurance that the relationship is good and fine and good and it's going well and it's going well because you're like, you're not there to say that all every day like you would be

if you were here. But that's obviously we sound quite negative, but that's just because there are, that are challenges surrounding it but those challenges are like fully I think there's some something

we often talk about quite negative things on the pocket quite downer things but they have a good purpose and I feel like with long distance relationships if immediately it's like oh you're not like communicating with me you're not Skyping me you're not

there when I need you ever I'm finding this difficult and if you say that and nothing changes then that says a bigger thing about your relationship doesn't it? It means like, oh, you're not willing to compromise. You're not willing to make me feel reassured. So it also might be quite useful because like as a signifier as to whether

the relationship is strong or not because yes, every relationship suffers some sort of massive challenge, maybe, you know, one of their parents dies or, you know, you have like a big sort of life change or you or you have to live apart for a little bit or you don't, like everyone will go through as a couple something quite disruptive and if long distance relationships is your disruptive thing it's not like after you get back together everything's going to be perfect and fine so if you can't cope

with a say short term long long distance situation like the classic we were we were we were boyfriend and girlfriend at school and now I've moved to uni and it's broken up because that's such a hard thing but it can work but you just have to be really careful and also be like

you have to be more careful than if you were seeing each other all the time Two friends of mine who have been going out since we were 16 and got married last summer are easily the like strongest couple I know because they got through all of those things. They got through all of the, they communicated their way through going to two different universities, admitting to each other how they felt saying like this is actually very hard. I'm struggling with this. Like they, you know, they talked all the way through it.

And so therefore there's like no, they can survive. anything. Yeah, definitely. And by the time they get to being married, they're like, oh, we're sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, it's not a failure if you don't. No, absolutely. It's just like, it's not, it was like, oh, great, good to know now that this wasn't the right person. This wasn't it. We couldn't do it. We couldn't do this, so we probably wouldn't be able to do harder things.

Yeah, and so don't blame the distance. It's like, oh, it would be all been fine if I hadn't had to take that job in Greece. It's like, oh no, like, don't blame Greece. Like, it wasn't, this wasn't to be. No, this wasn't the relationship. Chris's got a financial problem. Greece has got its own issues going on. It doesn't need your emotional baggage.

Yeah, I could leave Greece alone for a start. I think that's probably the first tip. Number one, leave Greece alone. Number two, just list all of the countries now. Leave the Ukraine alone. Have a crack of Turkey. Why not? It's a bit shit, isn't it?

I'm joking. I'm sure it's beautiful. I've never been. I've never missed it. Me neither. I like to go to get it. Should we go? Let's go now. Bye. Bye, everyone. That would be fun.

Oh my God. You were, Tessa was talking, has been talking recently about, you know, when you look on social media and you see, like, a group of friends and they've all just, like, got on holiday together. You want to go over and be like, which one organized it? Who was the first person that was like, should we all go to Lanzarotti? You've said that you would quite like,

so maybe Istanbul could be your one. That I organise a trip to Istanbul. Yeah, but maybe you give it, like, longer than two weeks, which you gave to the ski trip. Sure. Yeah. So you give it, like, maybe like your goal is like next year. No, that's too far. Okay, your goal is like...

I already feel sick. Please don't leave me in charge of the trip to is down all. You know what? You have to. Okay, thank you. I don't want to go. Okay, great. Turkey shit. Get back to that. Get back to that. Go back to that. Oh God. What a circle. Well, there we go.

Absolutely spiraled. Absolutely spiraled. And I'm sorry. So some of the tips that I read was really like obvious and like, not obvious. Like, make sure that you send video content and messages from time to time. Like, I don't need to be told that. Like, of course I'll be doing that all the time. But some tips are good. So, for example, prioritising your schedules and not just your schedule, their schedule as well. So the crucial thing is the other person sees the effort that you're making.

And that's something that you can just go like, well, you know, I'll text you, what? But I think you have to show that you're making effort because every time that you get up early for work to talk to them or you go like, so when are you free and when can I? And you go out of your way to like step out of a party to like take a call. or whatever, you are signaling to them, like, I'm working and I want this to work. I'm putting in effort here, and that will encourage the other person to put in effort. Obviously, there's a line and you can't always take every single call. But, like, you know, being aware of what time's sewn they're on, when they're awake, like, when is a good time to talk to them, and maybe even scheduling in to be like,

oh, I always message at this time. It doesn't have to be like, I'm going to talk to them for an hour. It's just like, and now I have my five-minute shift-to-shore check-in every day. at this time. Yeah, and that becomes like a nice little routine that you sort of have, because you develop routines in a relationship anyway, so you have to develop those routines

even if they're not there with each other. There are some like proper lame apps though, sorry if you're listening, you're like, I love that app. There's one where it's like, maybe it is nice actually. Look, this is someone talking he's not been in a long distance relationship, maybe I'd fucking love it. But there's one where it's like, you open the app and then if you both have got the app open at the same time

and you like touch the screen, their fingerprint comes up on the other person, and phones so you can touch their fingerprint but it's like that feels quite empty to me you open the app and your fingerprint comes up and then you can touch their fingers on it so you can see them tapping the screen and you can

like tap sort of the equivalent of being on the other side of a window and you're like you know in films they always like hold the hand up to either side of the window no but it's a bit like that's very bleak to me it's bleak and also it's like well also I wouldn't trust it so I'd be like is it or just the app just tapping its finger just the app is just tapping back at you or maybe the app has sensed that

there's a tap, but it's not the exact space that he's tapping in. Or what's the point? Yeah, what's the point? Just text me. I don't need to see your finger tap on a screen. Yeah, it would be nice if we, in a world where the internet didn't exist, you'd be like very impressed with that, but we have the internet, so it's not impressive.

There's loads of ones where like, maybe the app is just trying to keep your relationship alive, so it keeps like, tap in for you both. It's like, he's here and he's not. I was looking at like apps. So basically, like, there's quite a lot of apps that are specifically for long distance relationships. I thought we could just like, I'll just describe some and then we can just be like, is that, is that lame? Lame or love? Okay, fantastic. Okay, so there is without, immediately, I'm not on board. What does I do? Right, so it counts down, it counts up the amount of days that you're without the person, so it's like two days without Ashley, for example. And the blurb is,

it tracks your time apart and gives you sweet and simple options for staying connected through messages and photos. Like what? Well like as in like why don't you send a photo and then overlaid it will say like thinking about your face and then it'll be like the girls that you're no it's just like well that's just WhatsApp isn't it?

You don't need an app to send photos to each other it takes two seconds to type some font. Also I think that's quite bleak. Very bleak 70 days without Ashley yeah it sounds like you're you know those people that get lost in the Arctic like 80 days before like it's yeah just marking out those tally charts on the wall which is going to segue me in a moment yeah into a good point oh no save the point no okay

no way oh my god um also if we're like lame and you're you're listening going i love where the house great this is why i'm i'm doing them excellent please do carry on with them though i love it right so a couple is create your own private social network for just the two of you have your own world where you can save pictures share updates and chat with your partner so keep you feeling closed. The app's biggest draw is its adorable thumb kiss feature which lets you connect with your partner

by touching your phones in the same place and sharing a little buzz. I don't think I'd care for that. Basically, it electrics you. It has a little haptic feedback thing. I feel like I don't give a shit about that. I'd like to see a picture. I'd like to call them, Skype them.

It's a nice idea to have your own little private network so you're not bothering other people on Facebook being like, miss my boy! And it's like another picture of him. That's really nice. And also then, I suppose, also with these apps, a lot of them check, but a lot of them delete the messages completely,

and they're completely encrypted. So you could also send some dirty messages, which you can't do on, like, Facebook Messenger, because it's just like, I don't know, Steve Jobs is reading them. Hawaii's got it all. Hawaii's good at all. No, Steve Jobs is debt. I was just about to think that he's probably dead.

So he's really, he probably is reading them from the beyond. He probably is. You know how we've been, like, going like, that touching thing is pointless. there's another app that's called Touch Room and they've obviously been like it's time to really double down on that and it basically you can invite anyone into your room

and when you overlap dots your phone buzzes at the same time even if you're on the other side of the world I don't know why everyone's so obsessed with that like if I've got this wrong and that's like the best thing in the world then lovely I just feel like I just don't I wouldn't want that I'd prefer a picture

which is just easier you don't have an app for it. So, then there's a lock, lock, which is you surprise your partner at any time with this cute app that allows you to send a doodle straight to someone's special lock screen.

I think that's quite cool. So when they, I just, I've got their phone, their lock screen on their phone will be something that you've doodled. So that allows you to, like, make, like, do stupid things. Oh, what's that called? Lock, lock, lock. And it's locklocklock without C, so it's L-O-K-L-K.

It's free. and so even if you're not able to so say that's quite good if there's like a time difference or they've got a job that means you can't actually talk in the day or you know I don't know but you can still communicate without disturbing them during their day but whenever they check the phone they'll see that you've done a little picture that is sweet last few apps and then we'll get back onto tips

but these are tips in and of themselves which I think this is excellent click a clue which is K-L-I-K-A-K-L-U so it's visit yeah all of the K's in the C's in the C of turn into K's and click a clue, which is where you can send your partner on a customized scavenger hunt, where you set paths, you send secret messages, you basically create like a date-like experience,

even if you can't be together. So it uses GPS, it uses locations, and then they can say when they've, like, checked in, and the phone can see that you're there. I think that's excellent. And there's also Sesame, which is where you can send, like, care packages using the app.

So you can scroll through and you can find, like, choose a, like, a themed gift box, or you can create a custom idea, and you basically, it assembles it for you, and then it just sends it for you. So then, then they get, like, a real life,

wow. Yeah, then there's, then something was quite a similar called Cartelina, which is like, send real postcards. So it's postcards. But then the app

will help you create sweet and stunning messages, which I feel like, oh, I would like to send my own message rather than have a app tell me what my message. Yes, I was going to recommend something called Touchnote.

That's literally, the next one. Oh yeah excellent no say it please uh it you take iPhone photos and it automatically sends what I've described it badly it takes your photos from your phone and it sends them as postcards so they arrive as physical postcards and it's really sweet and it costs about 70p per picture it's such a nice thing to do and you're the stamp my stamp is a little picture you put you add your own stamp so mine is a little picture of me holding a dog and you obviously it doesn't have your own handwriting but otherwise you write your message you put the thing in

it's really sweet that is lovely I received them from a friend who was biking around America and got one from every destination I have them all it was such a nice thing to receive and so obviously I love receiving mail but it is so nice to receive a photo in the post yeah definitely well you just like just having a photo anyway like you just don't

it's just all on your phone it's never actually a physical thing it's so lovely to yeah translate sort of something into technical to like actually you can hold it in your hands. It's lovely. Um, uh, of course, a sex one. Please. We connect, which is, um, uh, it's a toy set. So you, it's a sex toy that can be, um, controlled via the app.

So you have to buy the sex toy as well, obviously. Yeah, you can like control the speed and rhythm of the vibrations. If that's your vibe. Oh, uh, your vibe. Pun. So somebody else controls it. You pop it up and then someone else is like, who could be annoying if you've got very big time differences

you're in the middle of a meeting you're like Jesus Christ I think I've seen that in a film where they're attempting to like rekindle a relationship and I think she has like one of those eggs up her I think that's what it is yeah and then he gets stuck in a lift or something

and she's like oh he's thinking of me but he's not at all someone's just pressing the button and then he goes into like overdrive and I think she has a hard attack so a classic bit of comedy be careful with what you do fine and the final one is avocado which I have found

which is it seems like actually the reason that it's the most popular app apparently for couples who live far away it's 1099 a year and it works better on Android rather than Apple apparently but anyway it basically does all of the things and puts it all together so it has like you have like a private photo stream you have location sharing you have chats you have a it makes scheduling when to speak to each other really easy as well oh no share calendars it basically it's like

like your entire toolkit. So I was very disparaging about avocado just then, but it does actually look really good. And also, I don't know if it does have that, like, thumb kiss thing. I think I've just, like, combined two different things. Avocado seems like the working business persons. Long distance. Where's your schedule?

Where are we talking? What's going on? Yeah, that's, I think, yeah. And there's one more that's called Long Distance. We sort of does a similar thing. It's got like a countdown feature, Wi-Fi-enabled chat and but it also

it has like quotes and blogs and websites suggestions to go on if you're struggling with your long-distance relationship so you can kind of give you a little bit of inspiration to keep going and also just be like if you're feeling a bit alone then it can like direct you to resources that can help

which I think is what's that one called? It's called very simply a long distance Oh that's lovely And so those are all the apps Another app I thought was if you wanted to make your own... Angry Birds. Angry Birds is a good one. Another app I thought it was useful.

If you want to make your own treasure hunt, there's one called What Three Words? And it is every longitude and latitudinal code in the world, every meter square in the world has been broken down, not by hand, I think, by a robot. A bot. By a bot into three words. Like, chair, monkey, toad. and those three words will relate to a metre square somewhere in the world and so you can use it to make treasure hunts in that you can do your clues that have to be the three words

and then you go to the location that those three words are then maybe there's another clue hidden there on you go yeah but I think it's a nice thing to do in different parts of the world because you're like oh I can see exactly where they are I can see where you are so you can um you know if the if they're doing it for you app doesn't appeal to you, but doing it yourself. You're like, oh, I can use all these things.

Yeah. Yeah, that is nice. I think, yeah, the treasure hunt idea from a long distance is lovely. It's lovely. Because it is a little game. I think basically, the whole, all of these apps are basically just like, what can you, what world can you create for the two of you? That's like, these are the things. And it doesn't even have to be a romantic partner.

It could be, you know, a friend, a best friend, a parent, anyone that you're far away from. It's like, this is this like secret language. Maybe not like the sex toy one. Sure. Yeah. Sure. Park that. Hey, Dad. Hey, do you want to try this?

Yeah, park that one. But all the other ones, like, it's like, this is our secret language, this is this thing that we've made for each other. Every week we send these postcards. Every day we do this talking, this is our thing. But I think if you just set off being like, bye-bye, I'm off now.

Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens. Like, I think builds as much stuff in as possible. Because so much of, like, a relationship is kind of creating a little world that you think, whether or not actually, actually is. You feel like nobody else has this relationship like no one else does this. We're so unique. No one else would send this dog meme. No, we're crazy. But like you have to just apply that to long distance as well. Yeah. Like you aren't just a long distance couple. You're you

and that person and you have to try and create your world however you can in like the most kind of fun way. And also I think as well you, you know, you should like you're saying about your friend who communicated all the way through all those hard times, you have to be able to say, like, I'm finding this really hard. Like, I find it really hard today. I miss you. I don't know what to do. And then, you know, if your partner says that to you, you have to, you know,

you have to listen to that and you have to take that seriously. And obviously there's going to be long swathes of time where both of you are just quite upset. And you, because there's nothing you can actually do to solve the problem and the reason that you're sad, which is that you're not together. But you have to kind of accept that that is. going to happen and it doesn't mean that you shouldn't be together. It just means that you need to get through that sadness. You just need to get through that stage and see it through

as best you can because there is, unless it's like they've gone away forever, in which case, if you're struggling with it, that's maybe a tricky thing to live with. But if there is an end point and they are coming back or you're going to visit them or you're going to, then, you know, you can, it will, it will, it do shall pass. Yes, it too shall pass. And I think the most damaging words in the English language are, I'm fine. Oh, God, yeah. Because I think you should be able to say, oh gosh, I'm actually not fine. I don't need to talk about it, but I'm not fine. You don't have to be like, I'm bad, would you like to listen about it? You can be like, I'm not ready to talk, but thank you for asking, whatever, but saying, oh, I'm fine, I'm fine with this. You're like, no, you're not.

Yeah. I just admit that you're like, oh, I'm very sad. Like, I'm really struggling. I'm having a hard time. Yeah, because you've got, you've gone from having a support system to your support system is the other side of the world. And you're like, or just, or just in a whole. You're like, that's very far. Yeah. And now you're busy spending your whole time making treasure hunts and writing love letters and sending things in the post. Send physical things in the post. I don't know there's anything better in the whole world. Oh my God, it's the greatest. And if a friend of yours is far away, send them something. Yeah, there's nothing better than a care package. And also, um, one of the things as well I just thought is, um, you might feel, if you've gone from being in a relationship, uh, to being in a long

distance relationship. There's that whole thing of like, oh, well, now I go to parties, like, who am I going to go to parties with? Who am I going to go to weddings with? Don't go on your own to stuff if you don't want to. Get a friend to be plus one. Find a plus one friend who's like, and I don't mean that as in like, that they're just plus one friend. I mean like a great pal who you can kind of take anywhere and we'll just have a nice time, knows the situation that you're like, I don't really have anyone to go with. Do you want to be my plus one? Like that's, you don't have, no one goes, how odd. Sarah's turned up with her. friend. They all know that your boyfriend's in Africa or wherever he is. Like, oh, you just have to make

sure that all of the, you minimise the kind of loneliness that you might feel and you, you shouldn't stay at home, you shouldn't not go to things because you're like, well, that's a thing, there'll be couples there. Yeah. You can, talking as somebody that has a boyfriend who I live with and he doesn't really like, often come to stuff, I quite like going to things by myself, it's not weird if you don't make it weird. No one's like, why has she come on her own? Just like, I've come, I'm just hanging out with my friends. Or I've brought another friend, just like if I was going to bring a partner.

There's no difference to bring in a friend. Like, um, so it's how you approach those things. Like, don't feel that you're some sort of social pariah because you're, like, not bringing your boyfriend to things anymore because it's either way. Or your girlfriend. Or your lover. Or your lover. You're, the tally chart thing on the wall.

it's about we said it some time ago and I said I'm going to circle back and I'm going to say a great point and now here I am back was that six days without Ashley it was six days without Ashley 17 days a hundred days Ashley it's why I don't like that app and I don't like the idea of just this counting down waiting until you see your person again and that's obviously terribly romantic is no matter where you are and no matter what you're doing or how boring it is or if you've been sent to Africa or wherever you've been sent with work or for something that you want to do or whatever it is I think think if you get yourself trapped in this like, okay, just 18 days and then I can see this person. It's like, what's the point? Like, you've got to sort of, even though it's tough and you don't like being without them, you've got to sort of get into whatever it is, wherever you are. Yeah, you are living your life now. Your life hasn't stopped and your life begins when you see that you have to, you have to find some element of joy in the fact that you're living your life, you're a person, you're not half a person. Yeah. It will feel like that sometimes, but you're not. You're still a whole person.

Go, Zorbing. And they are a whole person. And you can sob alone. Absolutely. That is the only take home you need. I do. You can go and do all of these things that you want to do. It doesn't have to just be like,

oh, I'm sitting by the window, wasting away, waiting for their return until I next. Like a Bronte. Exactly. You don't have to be a Bronte. You can... Be a Jane Austen? I think the Bronte's wrote good work while they were sat in the window.

I think did Jane Austen just sort of sit in it? I think she just sat in... the window her whole life, didn't she not, she didn't leave her house or something. Anyway, it doesn't matter. That's not what this is about. Because she wrote great literature. She did, yeah. So write great literature, again, it's not about Greece, leave Greece alone and write great literature. Write your great literature.

Just like throw yourself into the thing, do the stuff, make the friends, go to the places. Just make sure that you remember you are a whole person and that you throw yourself into... And you have friends, and also then you have something... Then you have fun stuff to talk about when you speak to them. Being like, I did this, I tried this.

I went to a part of. and it was just me and it was like everything's an anecdote and if you see everything as like a well this would be like this would be fun to like share with them then you are still living your life with them yes but you're just you're an intrepid explorer solo for now yes you always want to make sure that you are because everyone's had times when they've been like busy and having the greatest time and the phone like rings and they're like oh i'll ask that in a second i'm having such a good time yeah and they've everyone's had moments where they're just being like when will they call again and And so you want to just make sure you stay more in the A camp as much as possible. So you're like... You will get to the B camp and that's not... You haven't failed if you have a little sing. No. That's fair enough.

But as long as you're aware that it's like it's an ongoing prose... You're going to have to work to stay on the A camp. Yes. You can't just be like, why am I in the A camp? You have to work to be happy with this new arrangement. And find fun people and be... Yeah. And stay busy.

I think that should be number one is like... Stay busy. B. aggressive be aggressive and busy and communicate the counting down thing as well

one thing that is unanimous with all of my people that I know who've got you're in long distance relationships they also the same thing

if there is like a visit or there's a week where they see each other and then that's the only week that they've got or that's the only and then you know it's going to be another

another however long basically there's too much pressure on that small amount of time so there'll be an argument because of course both of you are like, this has to be the most perfect weekend of all time or even week or even two weeks.

And everyone I know has said that in the last sort of day or kind of the time when it's time for them to go again, it's just horrible. And it's not horrible in the sense of it's like, it's what, like they're arguing because both of them are tense. Both of them don't like want to be a part. And then every time there's an argument,

it's like, oh no, there's another argument. I've done it again. because now we only had a finite amount of hours and I've ruined it. Just basically know that that's going to happen. That doesn't mean that you're a bad couple. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be together. That means that you care too much, which is good. You're both upset about the fact that you're not going to be together.

So it can be very hard, I think, to rationalise that and to not jump to the conclusion of, well, even when we're together, it's not work. You will go through a period of time where you're ratty with each other because neither of you were in the ideal position and situation. Exactly. and say one of you has gone to work in Hull or Boston or Mozambique

Oh lovely The other one then whenever they You see them they'll be coming out to visit And it won't be their home So you'll be basically the tour guide And it'll be and now we have to go and do the fun activities And the tourist stuff and take the time off work And go and like commit to this holiday

Whereas one of you is Essentially that's their home And the other one doesn't have any sort of sense of purchase on that place And so it's a it's a It's a minefield. It's a... But it does it hold on to this central thing of it is, you know, you can still create the world together. You can still communicate.

This is temporary. And if it is something that, for example, you know, they live in one place, you live in the other. And you are starting to be like, I don't know how long we can continue to do this. That's valid. Like, you have to figure out a way to compromise. You have to find, are you going to go and live there? Are they going to come and live here? and that can be a question that often can't get answered for a long time

and often is very location and finance dependent but you have to make sure that both of you are more than in normal relationships but all relationships sort of have to do this anyway it's like make sure that you both want the same thing and if you don't that both of you are fine with that rather than once like I'm fine yeah I'll go and live in Mozambique fine yeah I don't want it and if that person is like I want to move to Mozambique full time this is my passion and I would love you to come with me and be part of my life.

You're like, well, don't settle your dreams for being in someone else's dream. Yes, you deserve your own independent dream. And sometimes those don't work out with the person you thought they were going to do, but you mustn't be a supporting character on someone else's show. Yeah, because it's your life. You've got to be a supporting character in your own life. No, you've got to be the star of the show. Yes, absolutely.

And if you're like, oh, I'll just be, you know, the guest star and I'll hop and I'll just be... Everyone will applaud, but then I'll only be in one episode. Yeah, you can't be the Brad Pitt of Friends. You know, you've got to be... It was fun, but you want to be the cast of friends. Yeah, you want to be the main... You want to be it? It's always worth trying, so you can say you tried.

Exactly. You have to, if you are going to try, you're going to have to really, really go balls deep in it. I'm starting to not use that phrase as much, because every time I'm like, oh, I've just got a horrible image. You have to really go full steam ahead. Lovel. Trains. Trains. Trains and condensation.

Perfect. Way better than bollocks. And so then you can go, look, I actually... did do everything I could and if it doesn't work out that's heartbreaking but but you did try and on the sort of same thing then there's no reason why it can't work out there's no reason why when I don't think we're saying like only do what you want to do always but we are saying like if it's something is making you very upset and eating you up inside and you are finding that your behavior is changing completely and it's in and also it's now moved into a permanent situation it's not like oh he's

gone away for six months and I'm sad well we should probably break it off because I'm sad It means like they've decided to stay or you've decided to stay or whatever. Then that is, yeah, you can't live your life like that. But you can, I think, definitely do give it a good old go before you kind of go, I don't know. You have to constantly be making sure that you're not taking advantage of yourself, basically, isn't it? It's like... Nice. There's no more worthy reason to like up sticks and move somewhere than for somebody else.

I think it's a lovely thing to do. But only if you are aware that... You might not like it. It might not be the answer to everything. And I'm aware that they're going to have to maybe compromise at some point as well. You can't do all of the compromising all the time. You can't bend over backwards all the time because I'm like, well, I've got a very important job. And you're like, I've got very important life.

So, yeah. Basically, nothing works out like it does in the fairy tales. No, but it can work out. So the quicker everyone's like, oh, it's supposed to be hard. Oh, God. And, yeah, good Lord. But, you know, it's hard even if you're in the same city. Like, relationships are always, you have to work.

at them and long distance is no different. But I think like, yeah, get on the apps. Get like, find ways to create your own little cave that you're both in. That you're like, bah, it just does. Even if you're not together. Visit as much as you can, obviously. Know what your goals are so you don't get a shock when they're like, well, yes, I was always going to stay here.

And I'm a Mormon. Like, make sure that, you know, they're not a Mormon. Unless that's what you want. Unless you're also a Mormon. Yeah, go to Utah. Live your life. Live your life. It feels very like, oh God, it could ever...

It does work. Of course it works out. You just have to communicate and you have to be extra vigilant about the red flags and the difficulties. And the jealousy is a real... We haven't even touched on that, but... Oh, Lord.

But that's a whole different podcast, I think, about jealousy, because it just obviously... It is crystallised when you're... Or what's the word, magnified when you're in a long-distance relationship. Yeah, because if you're in that person who's like, oh, I'm not picking up the phone,

I'm having such a fun time. But the other person is wailing... On the banks of a river. Why are they? Where are they? Then you're like, then it only makes it worse, you know. Yeah. Because they're like, oh, you're having such a good time and you've got all his friends and

you're having a nice time without me and you don't even care. Exactly. Oh, God. And so you have to, if you're the person who's like having this one time, you've got to realize that when someone's jealous or a bit like, where were you? What were you doing? That's just come out of insecurity of the fact that you're not there and it is an insecure situation.

So they'd be like, immediately don't be like, oh, I'm need you and annoying. Like, they are, they're going through some stuff. And also similarly, if you feel those things, that's completely normal. It would be slightly odd if you were in a long-distance but neither of you gave a shit about what the other person was doing. Unless you're both just, that's who you are as people,

in which case you luck out that you found each other. Lovely. And most people would have at least one moment with like, Are you with someone else? What are you doing? At least, exactly. I'm fun. Yeah.

It's a lot of messaging how fun you are. I think it's just, the price of love is the compromise. It is. And the constantly being aware of that other person and what they need. And also what you need and that you found the right balance between what you both needed. Yes. And if there's no way for that to be split roughly equal, then maybe this wasn't meant to be. And that is O.

That's okay. The one doesn't exist. There are many ones. But maybe this is the one and best of up with a long-disn't relationship. And maybe it's so great. We believe you can do it. I think you can do it. Absolutely you can do it.

You just have to be smart about it. You just have to be smart about it. And you just have to be honest. Honest. All the time. Talking. Honesty. Talking.

If you got any more fun apps or fun tips about long distance relationship situations, then do tweet us at Nobody DiPanick Pod. Yeah, at Nobody Panic Pod. Or any future episodes that you're interested in hearing. Because we're basically only doing people's suggestions now, and it's working out really well. I like it. You've got some good life ideas.

tweet me at StevieM the SSA 5 I'm at Tessicoe Also I just thought I haven't said this for a while If you haven't It'd be lovely If you could pop on

And rate and review us That'd be nice I think that helps Something I don't know what it helps I'm not very good at looking at numbers and figures But we absolutely love reading them And yeah if you like it Tweet you tweet about it

Put it on Instagram stories Spread the Nobody Panic podcast message And yeah Have a lovely week Have a lovely week. Look after yourself. Look after yourself. Look after yourself. Look after yourself. Look after your loved ones.

Oh. And, uh, and yeah. Do a treasure hunt. Do a treasure hunt. Bye bye.