Nobody Panic - How to Have a One Night Stand

Episode Date: July 20, 2021

Whether you enjoy them (Tessa), do not enjoy them (Stevie) or feel stupid because you've never had one, Stevie and Tessa work through the complicated ups and downs of one night stands. Pun intended? Want to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Follow Nobody Panic on Twitter @NobodyPanicPodSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The date is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace. It's coming to London. True on Saturday the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September at King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. There. Welcome to Nobody Panic. Do you want to have sex? Yes. Yes. Yes, please. Yes. There we have it. And that's how easy it is, guys, to have a one-night stand brought to you by Get Your Tessa Coats you've pulled. And is it me or is it getting steamy, stevie. That's so good. In steamy tin. In. here. If you've never listened to the podcast before, that was a very bold opening. Each week we like to do a different how-to, often based on listeners suggestions, just learning about life,

trying to muddle through. This week's was emailed in to us by Rebecca and she says, please could you do how to have a one-night stand? I've always been a serial monogamous, so haven't a clue, not even one at uni and then she's put a sad face emoji. Don't be sad, mate, me neither. Have I ever had a one-luck stand? Debatable. I turned out fine. Yeah, there's a lot to...

Listen, Rebecca, we're going to get into this. We're going to start, I imagine, by unpacking that sad face emoji, because you don't have to be sad about it. Absolutely. They're not that great. Can be. We're excited for this done. It's going to be steamy, raunchy.

Stevie. Steamy in here. Neamy. What's your most adult thing that you've done this week, Tessa? Mine is that I've got quite heavily into laundry. Okay, yeah. I discovered the washing machine. The washing machine instructions down the side of the washing machine.

And I was like, okay, okay. And sometimes I have, I love things that are soft. You know me, I've got, I love a soft hoodie. And then I'm like, well, I don't want to wash, I don't, I don't want to wash this right because I know if I wash it on too high, it'll get all bubbly and it won't be a nice, soft, soft thing anymore. Then I discovered the delicate silk wash. You don't spin it. It's not the washing that's the problem.

It's the spinning. Then you take it out, so you hang it up in the bath. And then I hang my things in a, listen, it's fucking boring. No one's saying it's not. But I've, and then I hang them up in the bath to drip dry like I'm in the war. And then I, and then the other ones are there's out the back of my building. There's like a sort of little quite dangerous roof. that you can go on and it's got a washing line on it.

And then I hang my washing up and I feel very real homesteader stuff. No doubt, lads and gentlemen, there will be an episode called How to Do Your Laundry where we'll fully unpack what all the things mean. And that's my adult thing. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Mine is that I've taught a living thing to piss outside.

That's unbelievable. And it was my boyfriend. And it was my long-time partner, the shadow. Yeah. So I think like that, you know, I'm taking a lot of things for granted. I've got a puppy, by the way. I'm taking a lot of things for granted with the puppy. It's just like, well, yeah, of course.

And you're like, no, that's really good because she's an animal. And like some people really struggle with that. And yeah, I've struggled with it. Yeah, I told her to go and fuck herself. Yes, I did that to a little face. I love her so much. She's the best things ever happened to me. But she now goes to the door and just goes outside and does her business.

One of the things I will say, if anyone's listening and they're like, Christ, how, I mean, just through consistency and pain. But one of the things that really helped is I found this company, the two, and it's the most London thing you've ever heard. So just anyone who's not living in London, really brace yourself now. It's a little patch of actual real grass that you can buy, and you can get your dog to wee on it, so there doesn't wee all of your battling.

And also so they get used to the feeling of grass and wing on grass, and when they go for a walk later, they won't see grass about what the fuck is that? only we in the centre of the pavement, or hold it until it gets back to you, they get back to your balcony. It's called Piddle Patch. So I've,

I've found that helpful, but I've also just been very grateful that I don't have to clean up quite as much wee as I was before. I'll hold my hands up and so I'm very proud of myself. You absolutely should. You should be proud.

You should be proud. Thank you so much. And I'm proud of one night stands. Here it is. Don't let your dog piss inside. Don't let your one night stand piss inside. side. Either.

Very good. Affirmation. Ignore the bad and praise the good. One night stands. Okay. Wayo. Very cool. Very, when you're young and very much the done thing, on the telly, on the films and the stuff, you're like, people having one night stands.

That's what you call. It's messy, but it's cool. But it's cool. And I'm chaotic, but I'm beautiful. You know, it's this nonsense. So understandably, the sad face emoji it really, it really got to me

that, you know, we do think, oh, I've never, I've never had one and therefore I'm in some way a failure or I'm not cool or I'm not sexually deficient. I'm not sexually liberal, but like, yeah, one night stand, schmong night stand. Splendgen.

Like, who cares? So we'll definitely get to how to do it. But I want to begin by saying, if you don't want to do it, don't do it. I think that's actually one of, the most important elements because I, as a woman who was very much in that boat, didn't have a one outside at uni, thought, I guess that's just because I hate sex. Then was like, I only like sex with people I love. I'm lame. And then forced myself, forced my, forced myself on

myself. I didn't force myself. But I was like in my, I would very much just constantly getting advances, Tessa. Couldn't, couldn't bat them away. Did not get very many at all. But then decided like when I was between relationships, oh, actually, it was between the relationship of the same person that was not going very well, to be honest, and it shouldn't have gone back to him, but did. But in between then, I was like, because he sort of cheated on me,

and I was fascinated by, he cheated on me a lot, and I was fascinated by that. Yeah, that was the word I'd use, fascinated. I was like, wow, wow. There's so much processing to be like, I was fascinated by that behaviour. I was really interested, actually, and we just sat down and chatted about it.

I didn't cry at all. No, I was obviously devastated, but the same time I was fascinated, because I was like, I've never had that in that sort, because the way that it was presented was just like, I don't know, like, I'm a man. And that's why it was like, but what? And I was fascinated by the difference between like me. He's like, but how could you, how, I understand like if you're unhappy and you want to be out of a relationship,

but just the concept of just like, I don't know this person at all. I've met them tonight and I'm going to have sex with them. I, for me, and this is not, there's no judgment on anyone that does because I'm aware. It's a, it's a, it's a lot of fun. And I felt very sad that I was. missing out on it. But I thought I was completely deficient because I couldn't understand what you'd get out of that. Because I was like, if you don't know them, I don't want to go anywhere near his penis. I've never met it. What? He just gets his penis out. I put it. I don't

know where he is. Like, the biggest prude in the world, unless I'm in a relationship and then let me tell. No, come on. So, I think I listen to a woman having a meltdown. So I, I did a lot of, like, reading about it and talking to people about it. And then I did have, like, a one-night stand in that gap. Hated it, but it was like, but I guess this is what, I guess this is what you got to. Had another one. I was like, no, same.

Okay. Then got back into a relationship and then go into another relationship, but I haven't had all since. And recently a friend of mine is in a similar situation come out of a very long-term relationship and was like, I'm just going to, I'm going to go out there and I'm going to fuck everything. And just hated it. And then it was like, what's wrong with me?

And I was like, no, you've discovered what I've discovered, which is it's okay. like some people just don't, some people just don't like that and they're not weird and we're kind of coming into, coming into this really nice period of time that hopefully will continue to grow where we're experiencing so, there's like, you know, gender is a spectrum, sexuality is a spectrum. You can be, you know, have to label stuff. So it's now no longer weird to be like, I only want to have sex with someone that I'm in a relationship with or would like to be in a relationship with. That's not strange. That's just like what you like to do. And I will round up.

by saying this kind of feeling of like, maybe it's just not what I want to do, was completely justified when I read this as a survey and found that 81% of, and it is just women, but let's just say, no, I suppose it is women. I was going to be like, it's a bit heteronormative, isn't it? But unfortunately, this study is. But it did find that 81% of women felt unsatisfied with their one night stand experiences. I was like, okay, so it's actually something a bit deeper going on here, which is that maybe we don't know what to ask for, maybe we don't know, you know like so it's not just like I don't like what it sounds it's like maybe we're just people aren't doing them in the most fun and cool way and it's not just me being like I don't know

what to do I guess I'll just do what you you know what I mean do that makes sense I can't finish sentences because I'm a prude a hundred percent I think it's being about a very real issue which is that you know the the tone of this of the we talk about it is to say oh I'm just a serial monogamist, I'm a little vanilla square. I've never done anything cool. And then you try the cool stuff. And you know, I absolutely hated that. I guess it just reinforces that I'm a little vanilla square, mate. And also, I don't think we need to use the word vanilla square. Like, I don't think, you know, maybe you have all kinds of exciting sexual things. Maybe you just like hugging and kissing. Maybe you're like, you know, you like what you like and you shouldn't

beat yourself up for whatever that thing is. And you aren't any less of. of a young person enjoying their youth or a person out of a divorce, you know, living their best life or any of those things that sort of come with this narrative of like, and now I'm trying all this sexy new stuff. You're no less for not wanting to do that and being like, I don't think I like it. Do not make yourself do it because somebody said you would. You are the only judge of that. And if you don't like it, you don't like it, you don't like it, you know, and you shouldn't go out being like, well, I've got to do it. So take it off my bucket list. Like, sure, and we can help you tick it, but it will be a forlorn tick. You'll be like, okay, I guess that's done,

tick. Like, you won't. That's not a fun thing. Yeah, it's got to be something that you organically, like, you fancy someone and you're like, you know what, let's go for it, but I don't want to be in a relationship with them. Let's just go for it for a night. Like, I can imagine that. I can't, I possibly imagine because I've never done it, but I can imagine that's a lot of fun. And also, as well, like, I actually have had that experience. It's just, It's been like, it has been a relationship thing that then has happened. Like the person we've wanted to be in a relationship with each other. So then we've like, boned.

Like that's, but I suppose at the time, that's the one night's time, it's not really, is it? Because you're kind of going like, we'd want to. I think a really important thing that you're talking about there is like, when we describe the one night stand, we describe it as like two strangers who meet and you don't see each other. You would continue to be strangers after you leave in the morning. Whereas like, for lots of people, they maybe their one night stand in inverted

comments went on to be their partner. You know, like you had this very. Just their mate. Or just their friend. Or just their friend. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, that like you had this very exciting free song with somebody and then you slept together and then you were like, oh, actually, I'm really into this person or whatever.

And so therefore everyone's like, well, that wasn't a proper one-night stand. But like, why? Of course it can be. Like a truly perfect one-night stand to truly hit all of those things, which is like satisfying, very nice sex for both parties. It felt exciting, felt, you know, leaving the club together felt cool. maybe you did it again in the morning then you left and you both

shook hands were like, what a fantastic experience but I don't like you and we'll never see you again. Like that's a unicorn. Like that's never going to happen because if you truly like them and if it was truly cool if it was truly cool, no, it was truly, you know, if all this experience was like truly fun

and good and the power balance felt equal and you're like, wow, that was actually really cool. then you'd be like, do you want to do it again? And they'd be like, yes, please. And then it's not a one-night stand. You know, and so therefore what you're describing, and it definitely is possible, and it definitely can be fun, is like maybe a revenge thing, as Stevie's saying,

like you're out of a relationship where the other person was more sexually adventures or sexually, or not sexually adventures, the wrong word. Excuse me. It was a cheating piece of shit. So you're like, maybe I'll try it out actually, you know. Or you've only ever been with one person. You're like, here I go, fly in my freak flag. is this what I like? No.

Roll the freak flag back in, pop it in the shed. Roll that back up. Thank you. But I, you know, you do what you are ideally looking for in a partner. And I'm speaking largely to the cis woman community here is a man, if you're looking for a man, is someone very good looking who you don't care for, but you find very physically attractive. and I really truly ideally for the sex to be fantastic, this quite intensely dislike. This is why it's like such an absolute mind feel

and nobody should beat themselves up for never having done it or never getting it right is like to truly be like, wow, I fancy the pants off you and I think you're a dickhead. So therefore we're going to have this like intense, like very physical sex that's got no intimacy, no real love there, respect, because we don't want anyone to be bad to each other. And like two mutual equals, shaken hands over this. But then it's like, wow, we did it. Now that's out of our system. And that's really what you're looking for.

And I truly think it like never, it never happens. I would say that that, if I may, that might be what you're looking for. But then what one like stand for someone else? Like the perfect one of the time. Sometimes it might be something completely different. Like what? Might be like, well, it might be like looks on that important,

but they want to just like have a real laugh. Or they want to have like, they both really like each other, but like as friends. So it's with benefits. So it feels safe. comfortable, but this is not me. I literally can not tell you what I like. But I'm going off friends that I know who have been like,

because I'm fascinated, I've become fascinated by how so many people I know who have lots of one-night stands, if they're male, cis male, they tend to enjoy them physically. And if they're cis female, they tend to not. But they might get a lot emotionally out of it. they might want to have felt like they have taken back control of their bodies. They might want to feel like, I'm this sort of woman. They might want to just like, just to make themselves feel empowered. But they didn't necessarily have to have an orgasm in order to say that was a successful one-night stand.

Whereas I think with a cis male, it would be like an unsuccessful one-night stand if they didn't physically get what they wanted out of it. So what I'm saying is like, for women, it can be quite an, well, you know what, let's get rid of the things. For some people, there we go, God, isn't it so nice if you just take all the bloody labels off things? When some, if some people might be more reliant on emotions in order to even get to the physical place. So that would not, for your sort of ideal, one might not work for some. And this, let me put my hands up. Yeah? Let me put my hands up and say exactly.

Of course, what you're looking for is like a good time, a bit of emotional thing, the empowerment of being like, yeah, here's my body. and if you truly like them and you truly have a laugh with them and then you're like, why don't we do that again? And then you get yourself in a pickle of being like, you had this very fun, really nice experience with somebody and then you leave the next day and then you're like, don't they want to see me again? Yes, and they have a good time.

And that is exactly why this thing is such a mindfield and you've got to not actually like them very much because part of the one night stand aspect is the leaving in the morning and they're not seeing them ever again. And so of course, like if I was looking for a, one-time sexual encounter, it would be with someone very little-looking, who was very fun, completely obsessed with me, who wanted to, like, carry me home. There would be sex, then a meal, then sex again.

Then when I left, he would be like, no, please. And I would be like, no, and I would go. Like that's, but that's not a, that's not an equal party fantastic party. He's had a terrible evening. You've left someone broken hearted. Exactly. That's why I'm saying, like, that the, they're not liking each other is a crucial part. of it and then therefore if you and then so therefore I'm saying to anybody listening who's like

I've never done and I want to try it be like do you actually want a one night stand where you just want like a physical night of like mad sex with somebody and to feel love or do you want to feel loved and those are two completely different things and if you intertwine them you will get in such a mess listen look at the film look how long we have been beating this drum look at the film some like it hot with Marilyn Monroe it's black and white that film black and white and it says in very clear black and white. He, in order to get Marilyn Monroe to kiss him, says like, oh, I've never, I've never, people kiss me and I don't feel anything. I've got a broken, physically a deficit. I've had it since I was a child. I've never felt anything. I could

meet the sexiest girl in the world and I still wouldn't feel anything inside. They could, and they could kiss me, they could take all their clothes off. I wouldn't feel anything. And she, what does she do? Obviously, it's like, I can, I can do it. And she takes all her clothes off. she kisses him. And then she's like, anything? And he's like, no,

nothing, didn't feel a thing. We're like, and he's, he's playing her. So like, of course, of course someone being like,

I just want fun. The other person's like, yeah, yeah, I just want fun too. But also I want you to love me. Wink, wink, wink, wink.

And you're, and you're just saying that as a move, right? You're just saying it wink, but really you're going to love me. So like, and this is actually the problem with the game,

isn't it? It's not the actual, actual book, the game, because I'm not going to go into that, but it's, the kind of idea of seduction has been presented to us as this game,

which can be very dangerous in the sense that like, you know, from when I was like first watching TV shows, there was, it was like Pepe Lepewpew, the cartoon skunk who would be like, the lunatune skunk who would be like, all the women would be like,

no, and he'd just keep going until they were like, okay, I guess we're in love. Like, it's this game of like, when one person says no, and they really mean yes.

And that's incredible. dangerous. And on the other side, with them with guys, it's like, if they're like, no, this is just one night, then the girl's like, yeah, good game. And no one's actually believing what anyone is saying. Yeah. I think that's one of the crucial parts, maybe, everyone like sound is, when someone tells you that, believe them. Yeah. Yeah. That's so, when somebody tells you something, believe them. If they say, I'm not really looking for anything and I don't want anything, believe them. If they say, no thank you, I don't want to have sex with you, believe them the first time and walk away. It's not a move. It's not a game. It's not them. It's not you being like, yeah, but when you meet me, then you'll be in love.

You know, we come down very hard on men who are like, oh yeah, she said she didn't want to, but I think when she meets me, she will want to have sex. It's not true that the mentality is not truly any different to he said he doesn't want to be in love, but when he meets me, then he'll fall in love, you know? No, but also what, yeah, what really muddies the consent thing about like, no means yes, and all. of that is that a lot of them, I know I've done it, it's like, you sort of, because you've been presented with this game, you sort of do it as a woman sometimes as well. So it's like, oh, okay, you're like relenting and you, you expect the man, you know, very traditionally, expect the man to ask you out, expect the man to chase you. It's sort of like, you know, coolly rebuff a few times and then give in or whatever. And I'm not saying that that's what I do, because I don't.

But like, there is elements of that that we've, that we know, we've been watching the same things as the boys have been watching, and then we all go up together, and we're all sort of participating in this very difficult minefield that actually, then when it comes to, for example, being like, no, I actually do really mean no, then it's like you suddenly realize how little power that word has. And also that dangerously makes it sound like I'm saying,

it's women's fault. I'm absolutely not. What I'm saying is there's just so much going on all the time that is ripe for people to take advantage of, right to abuse that, be like, well, this is part of the game, isn't it? Like, well, that's definitely not. So you're, you know, you're not a nice person.

But yeah, it's not if we can remove any of this stuff, like, just get games. If we can remove the mind games and we can just be honest. And I think that leads slightly to the other thing, which is like very few people I know are confident about saying what they want. And one night stands are a really good way of finding out what you want and like trying things out that maybe you wouldn't do with a long-term partner because you'd be like, well, if I said dress up as a baby and call me Sharon or whatever, like, you'd be like, I don't know. Yeah.

They might be like, oh, gosh. That's the thing. It's such an important thing to be like, what do you want out of this? And ideally, you do want somebody to dress the opposite baby and call you Sharon. Like you are looking for some like sexual thing or some very exciting, like, because I don't, do remember that, like, the sex is. the crucial part of the one-night stand. And so therefore, if you're like, what I'm really looking for is, like, someone to behold me in the morning, you're not looking for a one-night stand.

Abort, abort! So therefore, it's like, oh, yeah, I want to do this. Maybe I want to do handcuffs or something kinky or I want to do this or I want to dress as the baby. Whatever it is, like, this is my... Dress as the baby. The baby. We all know what baby. Oh, we know the baby.

So it is about being like totally honest with yourself, what do I actually want out of this? And there is absolutely no shame in the answer being like, I'm looking for someone to be really into me. Or I'm looking for the hugs and the gut. Yes. Also, if the sex is the least important. Because when a lot of people are know, they will, like, they'll say like, oh, yeah, like I'm shagged him or like I shagged him or whatever. And then they'll tell you and they'll tell you all the stuff like the buildup. But they would be like, the sex is kind of not relevant.

Absolutely. But what they wanted was to feel attractive, to feel like they still get it. And the thrill of the chase and the thrill of the sort of the dance that you do and it's like, oh, we go and home. Oh, my God. It's very exciting. And then when you get to it was like, oh, no, but I didn't actually want to have sex. Yeah. Oh, no.

That's so common. It's really, it's worriedly common. And it's, and we sort of just do that part as like, that's like almost like paying the bill. for the rest of the thing that you've enjoyed. Oh my God. That's actually how I feel. Yeah. Whereas like, well, I did get all the other stuff.

So this is fine. Go on then. Whereas often for the other party, it might be like the buildup is the bill paying. And the reward is the getting to actually, you know, get your load off and see some nice boobies or whatever. Get your load off. And getting to finally dress as the baby.

And finally get that. Napi-out. If I think about the sexiest one, night stand of my life. I'm in Colombia. I meet a boy in a youth hostel. Uh, we lock eyes that morning and I think to myself, I'm going to have sex with that boy. And then, uh, lo and behold, go out that evening, me, and just, literally just met him. Was so high on the idea of like, oh my God, I just met this boy. And I was very into my own power. I was very aware that, like, I held all the cards, went back to, told, we're going to get to this in a minute, but crucially

told people where I was going. And, uh, and listen, we're going to get to that. But went to his house, literally couldn't tell you what the sex was like, imagine it was absolutely fine. Was the thrill of the, like, kissing on the kitchen counter, like, wild? Yes. I bet when he tells it, he isn't like, and then we kissed on the kitchen counter. Was a straight boy just picking me up and putting me on the counter?

And then we, yeah, wild. But, like, and then got up as soon as the sun came in in the morning. He was still fast asleep, looked at his, found his passport in his jeans. just to check he was who he said he was and how old he was just in case he was always to do that crucially after I was actually like oh my god what's your name

and then I went about him he was first asleep found his passport was like this is very cool was really again once again high on my own supply in the aftermath and then you'll never believe this part Stevie oh my god wrote my number in lipstick on the mirror that's so cool right again I'm telling you the story

you're like oh wow tell that again I'm more amazing because you don't wear lipstick So where'd you get that lipstick from? I found it I'm like The other woman's lipstick Yeah Excellent

But again like when I'm telling you the story I'm talking about I'm telling you the lipstick on the mirror bit The bit that made me feel amazing I'm not saying And then his penis You know I'm like Nah give a shit I didn't mind that bit

But it's not really about that So I think like Like if you're in it Just for the adventure Just know Just know yourself is the important part of it And not to say like, honestly, they can be. I did one at university after a very fancy ball.

It must be the end of year ball or the Christmas ball or something. Left in my party dress. It was a floor length. Snuck out of his halls, walked home, didn't see anybody. He was like, oh my God, I've made it. It was so early. The sun was coming up. I was thinking like, go me.

Here I go. And then there were all these builders on the scaffolding outside our halls. And then they gave me a standing ovation. And I remember being like, yeah, baby. But again, was the sex particularly exciting? Not really. Was it very cool being clapped by the builders? Yes.

See, this is good because the thing I don't do is that I'm just so like, oh my God, but it wasn't that good. And so I don't have that like, I've never had that kind of like, oh, look at me, having a cool time. I'm just like, but the actual, but wasn't I supposed to enjoy that? Yeah. And I can't. Well, there we go.

So I think that. I'm not saying, nah, like I do, but it's like the excitement for me is all the, all the stuff as well. All the paraphernalia. Yeah, absolutely. And that's fine. If you know that and you're like, cool, I'm doing this for this reason.

Paraphernalia, schmaraphernalia. I'm here to get my kicks, please. I want to have actual sex dressed as the baby. We're like, nobody's wrong. Nobody's right. Just know yourself. Because crucially, we're here to have a nice time. So it's the point of doing something that someone else would enjoy,

but you don't. Like, don't do it then. Like, you're not, it's not, also the more you do it, it's not one of those things that like, the more you do it. it, the more you're like, no, if you're really not enjoying that, and it's just not something that you want to do, then it's absolutely fine not to.

Telling someone where you are is a really, I think often people don't do it. And also, like, in researching this, I did have a check on the internet. And, oh, this stuff that's written by men is like, how to have all night stand? When they're written by men, they're like, here are my tested tips and tricks to, like,

get her to have sex with you. And when they're written by a woman, they're like, tell your friends where you are take a picture of his number plate like it's just like it's just we're just coming at it from like two completely different sides of the spectrum but like the safety on both angles the safety is like tell your friends where you are know where you're going if you go to his out like you just know who this person is and then also like safety and the like safe sex like wear a goddamn condom and if the other the person with the penis does not want to wear the condom get in the car and leave like there's no question like that's just an just know for yourself that's a deal under. And like an Uber, I think, has absolutely transformed the world of one night's downs. Because if you're like, I actually don't care for this. We've had a nice evening. This thing we're talking about about paying the bill.

If you get there and you're like, I don't want to pay it. Like this is turn to something I don't want to do anymore. And even if you're like, but I had all this other stuff. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No. If you don't want to do it, you say, thank you so much for lovely evening. I'm calling an Uber and you get the hell out there. Yes, because that's not only helpful for you in that moment.

it's helpful for the other person because I think what happens is so often and I'm talking as a 33 year old woman so hopefully the younger generation changing this and having more open conversations about consent but like basically sex was when we were younger was literally just like you did pay the bill it was just like yep you just lie back and just let it happen like why not because because it's just like well well I feel rude because I've I've let them on it's so it's what you're doing when you say no and leave not only you strengthening yourself for future experiences and making a decision that will echo through future you, where the next time you don't want to do something will feel a lot easier because you did it that one time before. It's always the first time that you make that no decision feels really strange and you feel rude and so British about it. But then also you're helping the other person because you are teaching the other person that sometimes the person will say no when they've got back to their flat and that's perfectly okay. That tea analogy, if you make you a cup of tea and you go, actually,

I actually don't want one anymore. You just throw the tear away. You don't go, what? But I boiled the kettle. No one's saying it's not annoying. You've played your hand all evening. You've tried to get this person back to your house. You're like, oh my God, here we fucking go.

Finally, I can be the baby. Then they're like, actually I'm leaving. And you're like, ah! What? But you're like, sorry, that's how people are. Like, sometimes they will make an annoying decision and they don't want to be in that situation anymore. You're like, oh, God.

But then you just go and then have a lie down. Have a wank. Have a whang. We all know where that end of that story was, at centres, was going. Nobody owes you anything. No matter like what a lovely evening they've had,

no matter what you've done or taking them out for drinks or whatever it is. Nobody owes you anything. I've certainly got myself into a situation where I was like, oh no, like I'm in too deep here. And I've left. And I was like, oh,

and not to be like, of course people have been in a situation where, you know, anything could have happened. But I've absolutely been like, oh, no, thank you. I'm going.

I'm going now. And just left. And actually it was so great. but my instinct, 100%, my instinct came up, the feeling came up that was like, I'd want to go home now. Then the following instinct was like, well, don't be rude.

Well, don't be a bother. Don't be a bother. I have sex with them. Don't be a bother. For God's sake. And then you can go home. Like, don't bother. And then like, but like the kissing,

we got about his, then we started kissing and the kissing was so bad. I was like, oh, this is exactly how the sex is going to go and it's not going to be nice. And then my answer was like, well, don't be a bother. And then I was like, I'm off. And I left, you know. See, that's so good because I've had the exact same thing for the exact same reason, gone home and like, oh, the kissing is absolutely abysmal.

Yeah. And then been like, well, I guess, I guess it's going to be bad. And then it has been. And I've been like, why didn't I leave? Like, why didn't I leave? Like, why didn't I leave? No. You know, you just had to have so much autonomy in yourself being like, these are things I like, this is what I don't like, and I, and I owe you nothing, and I'm, I'm getting out of here if I want to get out of it. Or if you're just like, yeah, we've had a fun time. Yeah, crack on. Like, you know, I want you to know that difference between being like, this will be fun, this will be fun, but this isn't the part I'm going to write home about. And I really don't like this. And then, and then I'm truly in a mess here. Also, there's the other one, which we haven't said,

which is quite sad that we haven't even said it, which is like, God, this is great. I'm having the best night of my life. Brilliant, of course. We don't even mention that. That's clear. Just go ahead. Know yourself. Crack on. Yeah, go ahead.

If it is the best night of your life. And then I will, okay, I will say what the pick. This is why I think they're such a pickle. If it is the best night of your life, you will wake up in the morning. You'll be like, oh, my God, that was the best night in my life. And then you're like, well, why don't we do that again? And then if you roll over and you look at the other person, if there, and this is when you have to talk about, like, knowing your gut, you will know in the morning. If that person is like, wow, that was cool.

shall we do it again? Or if the person is like, hey, I don't know where your shoes are, but like, you got to go. You can't like them enough to actually want to go out with them. You got to like, you just mean like, I'm not saying you got to hate the, you got to hate the fucker. I just mean like, you've got to not, once that balance is tipped in to be like, I actually really fancy and I really like you. But you can, you can like the person. Oh my God.

I've got a, I've got binders full of them. Listen, happy to see them again. Don't mind the fellow. you know, like, but you can't be like, oh, I truly really like you, like you. This was important. This was special. This was special. That's exactly. If it's truly the best night of your life, why are you not seeing that person again? That's what I mean, you know. Yes, I understand. Both of you celebrating the idea of like, this is one time and this is what we're doing. And it's like, you can think the other is really fun, great and cool, but like,

this is one time. And crucially, if they make you breakfast the next morning, that doesn't mean they love you, they could just be very polite. But he made me. eggs and you're like yeah he's just being a nice guy exactly he made me eggs that's somebody who thought they wanted one night of reckless sex but really they wanted eggs you know you've got to know yourself you gotta know yourself and that's the crucial part of the one night stand right through to the sad emoji you've got to know know yourself you've got to know that maybe that is not there's probably maybe a reason you haven't had a one night sound it's because you didn't want to yeah you didn't want to okay and um and then because often people often people like well no I'm wants to want to

one-night stand to me and you're like no people have you just didn't fancy them that that's yeah yeah yeah and also with like sEDs and all that sort of stuff which we haven't gone into because that just feels like it's just listening to this you know right you know like you know you've got to everybody have to wear a condom both parties have to wear a condom yeah the woman wears the condom on that on her head out of respect out of respect for the man who's putting on his penis and then if it's two men you wear four condoms that's the rule of your body we all know that the rules. And if the other person, there's absolutely no reason, and God's green enough for the other person to claim they don't want to wear one, in which case, out you go, get back in that Uber,

you know, you're out of there. Be safe. Be safe in every aspect of the thing. And yeah, leave in the morning. You've got to get up before they're up, before they're up, because if you're like, oh, but I want to hang out, you're like, oh, look, you fancy them. If you do end up quite fancying each other, then you end up going out, you got up and left, and then they will WhatsApp you. And they messaged you, yeah. And they messaged you. And the, the, the big sort of thing that people get caught out in is it's all that but they didn't message but I think it was great you're like they didn't message they will message you if they want to see you again we haven't even mentioned but I think uh do you just very quickly do you think you should ever have a one-night

time with someone that you work with that you see every day I suspect that a sort of office flirtation if you're really into it is more fun pre the the sex as with so many things like it's just more sort of fun to imagine it and like have a sort of flirtatious just be aware that when you go into this thing, be that with a stranger or someone that you've known for 10 years, all the power balance shifts in the aftermath. Like once you have done the nude tango, then the power is irreparably in a different position. And that's not to say you had the power and now you have more power or whatever, but you just have to be aware that like the relationship is going to shift. The vibe is different. The vibe is different now. Sex changes things, guys.

Sex changes things. So treat it with respect. Treat it with respect. It deserves. Look, I hope that was helpful. I had a fun time and I learned things. And all we can ask for in your one night stand is that you have a fun time. Go for your lives, have a fantastic time as long as you know yourself and you know what you would like to get out of it. And if the answer is nothing actually, that's fantastic.

If you're listening and you're like, oh, I'd like them to tackle this other episode, there's other thing that I'd like to know about. Email us, nobody panicpodcast.com, with your podcast episode suggestions or Twitter, Tesla? At Nobody Panic Pod. Or me at Tessa Cote or Stevie.

at Stevie M, but you'll never guess. The S. Holy shit, it's a five. Have a lovely time. Have a lovely week. And maybe see you next time. If you'd love to see you next week. Bye.