Nobody Panic - How to Host a Dinner Party

Episode Date: October 8, 2019

Tessa explains how to host a dinner party because Stevie has never thrown one, due to crippling insecurity. Admittedly, all of Tessa’s have been disastrous but it’s useful to learn from her mistakes and, apparently, buy a lot of lemons. Produced and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Follow Nobody Panic on Twitter @NobodyPanicPodSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. you doing. Welcome. How are you? Come on in. I'm Stevie. I'm Tessa. And this is nobody panic why we help you become an adult or just continue being an adult without screaming. Giving it a good go.

Giving it a real good go. I think one of the biggest parts of being an adult and the thing that I would at uni when I sort of arguably wasn't an adult would do the most to appear adult was to invite friends over for dinner. Certainly. And then panic. It was the epitome of pretending to be a grown-up. As our famous Lord and Savi, Dolly Alderton, always says you always do holiday tourism into the age above you. Oh my God, you absolutely do. So when you're at university, the idea of throwing a dinner party feels so outrageous and silly. Yeah, but also like so thrilling. So thrilling.

I actually never managed it at uni, but I went to others that did. And I would just be so impressed if they did anything. You just felt like a Richard Curtis movie. You felt like you were in Notting Hill, round a casserole. You never managed it. Casserol. What is a casserole? I don't know, but it's in one of those like terracotted big dishes, you know?

Yes, called a casserole. The dish is called a casserole as well, isn't it? What's in it? No idea. Or chicken? Okay. Stew? Could be. So this episode is How to Have a Dinner Party.

Just some top tips, you know. From two women that just know what they're doing. We regularly throw a supper club. Oh, yeah. It's daily, actually. It's a daily supper club. I call it going to Japan. and getting a burrito.

Crying. Crying. Saying you're going to take it away but then eating it in. Eat it in. You got tight. You thought, I'll have one bit and then I'll go. But you don't. You have the whole thing.

And then they know that you've not paid for to sit in. Yeah, but you do it anyway. You sort of feel like a rebel. I've never hosted a dinner party. No, me neither. And every time I cry. When you guys come round or other friends that I have and it's like, oh, I've got to have dinner, I do the same thing every time.

What is it? Pesto pasta with salad. That's not a dinner party, Steve No, I know, but I'm just saying that's my go-to-meal. I don't think that's a dinner party. I'm not completely deluded. Right, right, sorry, sorry.

But that would be the only thing I would think to make, it's like, well, no one doesn't like that. No, quite right. I've actually been in your house and you've made me an avocado and egg on potato waffle. I'm sorry, yeah, you're right.

I have gone up in the world. Yes. That is true. And you pop the waffle in the toaster. That's what we all know now. Revolution. Because that de-forotset. And then you just whipped up an egg.

I just whipped it. It was raw. And you've pulled it. Raw rick over it. Over a waffle. Over a burnt, toasted waffle. I did. Yeah. And that's dinner.

That is dinner. All breakfast or lunch. And I think we're barely steps away from the terracotta tijin. You though, you've definitely, like, had a go at hosting a dinner party. I've had several, several goes. Yeah. And they have all ended in a tears and disaster. Yeah.

Yeah. It's horrifying thing to try and do. Yeah. It's because I cannot cook. Cannot. Car not, frightened of the oven. Very frightened of the oven. Tessa very confidently told me that ovens don't work a few months ago.

Until we discovered you don't know how to use the oven. Absolutely no idea how to use it. We are doing an episode coming up. Couldn't tell you when. How to use an oven. How to use the oven. How to cook. How to cook.

I want somebody, and it's going to be me telling you, what will the numbers mean on the oven, you know? I mean, I could tell you that. No. Okay. Sure. Absolutely. Save it up. We can go through some very simple dishes.

Yeah. Simple piece of fish. As comedian Gabby Best has a great bit about that in her show. Just a simple bit. Just be one of those women that orders a simple piece of fish. It's a simple bit of fish. Talking of not being able to use the oven, what's the adult thing that you've done this week? I have touched on this before, but I've done it again.

It's a sequel. It's a sequel. I'm so thrilled with it that I just want to get the word out about how possible it is. if you are taking a long train journey, number one, get yourself a rail card if you fall into the 26 to 30 bracket. Because there's a new one that goes up to 30. Yes, there's a special old millennial, elder millennial one. So do get involved. Number two, if you're taking a long train journey and you put in A to B into train tracker or whatever.

Train line. Train line, thank you so much. And it tells you how much it is, probably a million pounds. Usually. Usually. Then do it again from your A to a mid-point. point and then from the midpoint to the end of your journey. So stay on the same train, don't move, but have two separate tickets.

Cheaper? Half the price. No, it's not. Yes. So you don't technically have to change? No, you don't change. That is disgusting. I didn't know that.

Yeah, me neither. And somebody recently told me about it. And I was like, it has blown my mind. Top hack. It was an 80-pound journey. I got it for 21 pounds. Have a go. It's absolutely fantastic.

It's a new thing. Mine is, as ever, less exciting than that. I, last year, was like, I've never owned a pair of Spanx. Okay. I had a dress I wanted to wear for a wedding, and yeah, you could see the outline of my knickers. And I was like, what's this? It was like, oh, that's literally a thing. So obviously, take them off.

Okay. I didn't want to because I didn't want to get drunk and then be like, well, Stevie's arrived at the wedding. So I... That's me at most weddings. I've never got any hands on. I know. I can't do that. I feel very exposed.

Try it. Sure. I might now because I bought Spanx. I was like, well, I've heard that that's the other thing. And they're like 35 pounds. And they're basically just very high-waisted, low on the thigh. So they go to about between your knee and your bosoms. Knee and the bosom, yeah.

But you can get lots of different types, got in you. Like a bloomer. You can get like, all the body. You can get like, they're designed to, no matter what your size, like smooth you. Smooth the lines. Smooth you. So there's no VPL, but there's also no, like, lumps and bumps. Lumps and bumps.

Oh, fuck off. And may I just tell you, just taking your underwear off does exactly the same. thing. Yeah, great. Just take them off. Take them off. The point is, I don't need spanks for, you know, some people buy them to look slimmer. And I don't need them for that. But I do need them for lumps and bumps sometimes. Sure. They're a piece of shit. They hurt the whole day. I couldn't, I couldn't sit down. They get rolling down. You know, like when you have, like, very badly made tights and they roll down like a little sausage. I couldn't breathe. And then I took them off and I did wear no pants. Great. But I wasn't very comfortable doing that. And so,

I've kept them in the drawer and so like it's very occasionally I will be going out and I'll be like oh gosh I suppose it's a spank thing put them on I hate it so the other day I just I just chop I cut them up with scissors because I was like I don't even want to be tempted to wear these I don't think they're good for women and I don't think they make they're not nice and that's my that's my that's my fantastic you chopped your spous up yeah because I was worried if I put them in the bin that I'll just get them out they do squash you in but then that squash has to go somewhere else. So you just end up having a really big cuff.

Yeah, absolutely. Or a seventh boob. They're a modern day corset. Just take them off. Take them off. But onto dinner parties. So you've got dressed up. You've put your spanks on. You're ready to. You've cut your spanks off. You're either wearing knickers or not. You put your favorite little smock on. Yes. And you're ready for a dinner party.

Now, what should we cook? Or should you, Mrs. Doutfire it, which I think is the best scenario. Mrs. Dauvire, it. dress up as an old lady. Right. And set fire to your boobs. Yes.

No, what you should do is, I think, order fancy takeaway, make it look like it's homemade. Genuinely, I think that is the best way forward. Oh, great. Did she do that in Mrs. Dauva? Yeah. When? Right, okay. Sally Fields is coming home, and he doesn't know how to cook.

So he orders from a very, very expensive takeaway. And then he, like, puts it on all the plates, and then she comes in, she's like, and all I remember is, on one plate, he's spooning out three, boiled carrots. Oh my god, yes. Okay, so I think that 100% yeah. Yes, that's like step one, but then oh like base level, but then if you're like, Stevie, I'm not doing that, I'm not an idiot. Fine. Have it your own way, but that is what I think you should do. So I think the most important thing with your dinner party is to imagine what it is in your mind and then be like, what of those things is actually achievable and which will I just be having a meltdown about because I did not achieve this high standard.

Yes, because nobody wants a host who's crying. No one wants a host who's crying. Have a little watch of the Royal Family Christmas special. It's one of the greatest half hours of television. And she's crying because the turkey's not defrosted and all she wanted was a Christmas like Nigella. Because Nigella has given us and everyone else has given us a vision of what you can achieve. And you're like, actually, it's really, really hard.

Yeah. And then it turns out all anyone wants is just to sit with their friends and eat something ideally warm, but it could be anything. Oh, yeah. And nobody gives a shit. I've been to parties where, like, I've got a friend called Matt Johnson, and he is famous for his absolutely dreadful catering at his birthday party. The birthday party is lovely.

And then about, I'd say four hours in, he'll go, the sausage is in the grill. And there'll just be sausages in the grill. And you have to go to the grill and take the sausage out yourself with your hand. There's no plates. And then once he tried to cook a soup, and it was like, oh, there's something in the pan. And we're like, okay, what is it? And he was like, I don't know. We all put it in a bowl and I drank it and I could not tell you what it was.

I couldn't discern. It wasn't unpleasant, but it also wasn't anything. And I go back and back and back. Like, I'm not there for the food. He has a lot of booze. And everyone dresses up and we have such a laugh and it's great. But I wouldn't say the food element is that important. No, and I think give a shit.

Just back off. Like, just don't do it. Unless you personally, like, that's the part that you love. Just don't do it. The more you can do that ahead of time, the better. So the more the things can just be cold or ideal. A cold, basically you want some sort of like, I don't think you should do like a full buffet,

but I mean like that's the vibe. Like bowls of things and then people just like can put the things in their place, like canteen style. The thing is is though that is you and me saying that. But I do know a lot of people who are like, they throw dinner parties. And then I do know a lot of people that bitch about the dinner parties. He's being like, oh, well, she didn't even have a starter.

So you're like... Well, they sound like terrible people. I think so, too. So I think if you're hosting a dinner party and you are genuinely panicking because you know that your friends are going to freak out and treat you like shit because your pea soup isn't good enough,

don't host a dinner party for those people. Host a dinner party that make you feel like relaxed. And if you love cooking and you love baking and the thought of like making food for your friends is really like fun and exciting and you have a dining table. I don't even have a table, so I can't even throw one. But, you know, and you've got it all sorted, that's great.

But only do the things that make you feel that you're going to have fun as well. Because I think a lot of people feel like when they're hosting any sort of party, their enjoyment is completely moot. Like, it's everyone else's an enjoyment. It would be better if they weren't even out the party. Yeah. And kind of, for the most part, it probably is because they're running around screaming, being like, well, the totally Italian is hard.

You're like, no one cares. and actually it would just make it soft and no more mind. No one or all mine. I once tried a dinner party. I was so prepped ahead. I was trying to do so much head of schedule. I was making spaghetti, bolognese. Never made it before.

Got a pound of cold, like two hours ahead. Got a pan cold water. Just I want to be like ready, ready, ready, ready. Measured out my spaghetti and was like, oh, you need like a handful per person. So got it all in a big chunk. Put the dry spaghetti and the cold water for like two hours. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.

I was like, it's ready. I'll be ready to turn it on. Turn it on because it's all in. Yeah, because it's in. Absolutely ruined. The doorbell goes, I'll pop that on. And I felt so confident. And then everyone arrived and they were like, the fuck is that. And it was like, half of it was like obviously hard, the stuff that was in the air.

And the bottom was like, well, spaghetti that had been in the cold order for two hours. And I was like, that's it. We're ready to cook. You can be over-prepared. You can be over-prepared. So obviously that is not how you cook spaghetti. No, of course not. I've never attempted it because I would do that and I'd then cry. So what I do is I always do the takeaway option or the pesto thing option. But again, like I haven't ever hosted an actual party because I have a table. So it's more like sort of sit around and eat off your knee sort of situation. So I think to begin, this I think of all the time because it's a joke, but it really makes me laugh. It was an article about how to impress a date.

And you went on the date. There was all these top tips. Pyro. Post pyro. Just like fireworks and shit. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then you brought the date home.

And it says like, three weeks earlier, write to the queen. Okay. Write to Buckingham Palace. I'm inviting the queen for tea. The queen will obviously decline, but you will receive a letter back thanking you, which is what happens if you write to the queen. They actively write back to you to say, Thank you so much for your time.

The queen has to decline. But on your doormat will be a letter to address to you from Buckingham Palace. And then it says, like, open the door. You've placed the letter from the queen on the door mat. Then you say, oh, sorry, that's just the queen. Is Liz again. Sorry, that's Buckingham Palace. And then you just book the letter to.

Oh, wow. What's that? Then you go, I'll open it later. Then you look like a twat. I would 100% have sex with somebody. I just put the letter from the queen because I wrote to her asking to save the tigers when I was seven

and she wrote back saying I'm yes sure I think there's more of a government matter I mean she didn't her cabinet sure sure sure was it signed from the queen yes so her actual signature I think so yeah

well it was just like a squiggle and it was like the queen wow yeah but what I'm saying is a six year old could do that yeah not don't just shag anyone who's got a letter from the queen I would

first tip If you want her to come around and really make the party started, letter to the queen. Number two, big ball of lemons. I'm sorry, so once you've seen the letter of the queen, you've either have sex or you haven't, there's a big bottle of lemons in the kitchen. You're not going to have sex straight away. Well, you might do, but.

Just as soon as you've seen the letter is in the back of your mind, like, we're going to have sex now. And then you see the lemon. Just as many lemons as you can get into a big bowl. Middle of the table. Okay. Oh, sorry, sorry. Let me just get these out of the way. Live together.

Well, I'm going to have a third tip. All of your tips. So this is a definitely, this is very specific to the dinner if this is a date dinner. Okay. It's that the ideal thing is a red tie curry. It's the ultimate like you chop and do stuff together. Yeah. Then you've got a 45 minute window while it's like, you can have a

simmering. Because of the queen and the lemons. They've overcome you. Yes, yes. So that's the exact time to do it. Right. So if it's not a sex thing, and none of these were helpful for a dinner party. You're just going to bob in there.

Okay. But you can, you know, make it work. I do think the red tight curry remains a positive thing. That is a very good. People are arriving. You're chopping. People can help you chop. Sidebar.

I don't want to turn up to a dinner party and start making the dinner. Okay. Just going to bobbing right there. You're a bad guess because sidebar, when good guests say, oh, can I bring anything? You ever done that? No. Yeah. What?

Oh, no. Of course. Oh, yes, I always do. And then I'll turn up with hummus. Yeah, a part of Sainsbrews hummus. So, when people say, Can I bring anything? You always say like, no, no, no, just yourselves, come.

Yeah, yeah. Have a wonderful time. And maybe a bottle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So obviously, be like, yes, one, bring whatever you want to drink. And two, actually suggest something. So maybe for you, they'd know that you only know hummus. I only know hummus.

When the guest says, what can I bring? You don't say, no, no. Don't say that. You say, yes, please. Yes. I need, ideally like a pudding, you know. Oh, that's good. Okay.

But only if the guest is not you, Stevie, because if I said to you, oh, thank you so much, could you whip up a pudding? You'd be like, fuck you, I'm bringing a hummus. Yeah, you know. And also you're like, I don't like to whip up a pudding. That's not a thing I enjoy. But I could bring like a very nice waitrose. Yeah, you could.

But again, I would maybe ask somebody who likes that. Lauren Bravo. For example, who I know loves that sort of shit and would enjoy to make, you know, amazing. Or Ben Salter who makes amazing cakes. Like, if that's somebody that they like, please say like, yes, would you bring one of your amazing pudding? If you know that that would send them fucking spiraling, like me or you. Like me or I would like lose my mind if someone asked me to whip a benefit. Wip of anything without like seven days prep, you know.

And then I would either go one of two, I would like way over deliver and it would be like so elaborate and inedible. Yeah, of course. But I would be like dripping and sweat by the time I arrived and I'd have broken it on the tube because it would like toppled. Yeah, it would be like a tower structure. Of course it is. Of course it is. So know your guest's strength and do ask the top of the tube. them to provide a thing.

The hummus thing, have your cruditates ready when people arrive. Crisps and dip. Crisps and dip. Or vegetables and dip if you're a fancy lady. I do think crisps as somebody who could easily eat all the crisps. Gettle chips. I could eat seven to eight bags. Yes.

On the hoof. No problem. I do think they do sometimes spoil a meal. Sure. Three or four bowls. Maybe stick to vegetables in case your guests can't stop eating. Stop eating the crisps. Especially you come from work, whatever.

You're like, oh, I've got some crisps. Then by the time, you know, the beef Wellington or whatever arrives, everyone's like, I'm sorry, I've got sick on the gris. Right. It's something I've done in the past. I feel like that's on the guest, but completely understand. And I'm saying, therefore, if you maybe have guests you can't control themselves. How do you know?

How would you know? Sure. Don't provide crisps. Okay. So hummus in the middle. Carrots in the sun. Sun? Yeah, hummus is the beginning of the sun or the flour.

Oh, and the carrots are all around the outside. Sort of the sun. a wooden chopping board and suddenly you look like, you know. I also provide a selection of dips because some people don't like commerce. I can't imagine that. Have we not seen queer eye? Just mash up an avocado. Put it an avocado and put it in a bowl. Literally you just match the avocado, you squeeze some lemon or one of your lemons, of

your lemons, or a line or chop some bits of tomatoes, some salt. That's a dip. Yeah, absolutely dip, mate. You've made a guacamole. Don't buy a guacamole, you're not an idiot. Also, it isn't very nice in the tub. It's so much nice that you can make such a nice one. You'll be like, oh, that is something that you genuinely can whip and I believe in you. Yeah. Because it's just mashing. Oh, of course.

You cannot go wrong. But hummus is very difficult. Do not make your own hummus. You're not ready. It's like grouting when you make it. It's disgusting. But very useful for tiles. Yeah, exactly.

And so it's a multi-purpose dip, but don't try that. No. Taram salata. Oh, no. No, sorry. No, that's the worst. Okay, so not taramislat. I said it positively, but I'm actually wrong.

I meant Satziki. Oh, yeah, that's fun. Fantastic dip. Camasalata, no. This is an episode, like, how to do a dinner party, and we're literally going to talk about dip for 50 minutes, and I'm so here for it. So much dip.

And then a cucumber, obviously I used to provide plain cucumber. What are the cucumber are there? Well, I saw a very fancy lady chop up her cucumbers, put them on what I might describe as like a long, thin plate, like a fish plate that you'd be like, what's that for? So fancy. Then cover them in olive oil and salt and pepper, and suddenly it was transformed.

Oh, wow. Yeah, it was something that happened in 30 seconds. Oh, yeah. I actually have a good quick one, which is tomatoes, mozzarella and avocado chopped on a plate. And then you put loads of olive oil and loads of salt on it. If you do loads of that, it's genuinely the best, it's gorgeous. And then people, and it's called salad tricolor.

So you're like, oh, it's my time in Italy. Of course. And then they say, what? And you can't back it up because you haven't been. I throw a basil leaf. Just one. Just one basil leaf. You can get a plant from Tesco, then it'll die within the hour.

Within the hour. You must plug it. Plug it quickly. But while it's there, whack it in a flower pot so it looks like it's your basil plant. Of course you do. You're not an idiot.

Potentially throughout the evening, just spritz it with water. Yes, spritzes. I'm so sorry. My basil is drying out. No, tell your story again, Jonathan. I'm just spritz. Oh, she's divorced your shit.

Spritz, spritz. Spritz your basil plant. Stick one of those on your encore tricolour salad. Salad tricolour, yeah. What's it called? Salad tricolour. Oh, Tyler trickleur. And then if you're a guest seat fish and

or dairy, if not, abandon ship on this one, smoked salmon samples, because they look like miniature samples of a thing. They're so small. They can either be on the bread, and it's just chopped up pieces of brown bread with a bit of smoked salmon and cream cheese on it. Oh wow, cream cheese, yes.

It looks amazing and is incredibly quick. And now you've made a canopy. You've made a canopy. You've made it. Or if you don't eat bread, whip just a bit of cream cheese, roll it into a roll. Yes, then you have a salmon cream cheese roll. Now you've got a salmon cream cheese roll.

We had about my grandma's every Christmas. Exactly. And suddenly you're like, wow. So if you can impress the people early on with your cold stuff. They won't care about the disaster you've made in the kitchen. Yes, that everything's literally a flame. Yes, or it's four sausages in the grill. Yeah. So now you look calm. People are here. There's some music on. Oh, just thought. Absolutely. Because all of that, I was like, sounds great. Love it. We're doing a lot of hand gestures here in the studio.

I would still be like, you're a working woman. You get home at six. Everyone's running at 7.30. You've got to make starters and a mate. Invite a friend round. who's a calm friend who won't fuck it up and get them to make those like cannapee nibbly things while you are screaming making a pad tie. Absolutely.

Yes. Absolutely. First one through the door. Don't do it yourself. No, no, no. I think that's just, I've just suddenly realised that is what I should have been doing this whole time.

Yes, getting a friend in. Getting a friend in. Or just some hired catering. Sure. You're so right. Why I haven't hired some catering in? Get a marquee. Come on.

What is this? Yeah, exactly. So then you main. So now abandon ship on the idea that all the things have to be cohesive. Okay. So rather than being like, oh, but it's a Mediterranean starter. I made this. Oh, yeah, your starters don't have a lot.

But then don't be like, but we have this Italian starter. Can we now have an Asian did, you know, middling? Just be like, you give a shit. You're here. Have a curry. It's what's in front of you. Make something vaguely seasonal. So if it's the baking heat of winter.

Oh, my God. This is getting quiet. But if it's the baking heat of summer, you don't need a bangers and mash. Understand. You know? Yeah, actually that is true. No, no your time. Making something seasonal made me frightened.

Oh, sorry, sorry, I merely mean... Hot and cold. No, you're hot and cold. Know what temperature you are. Just check, am I hot or cold? What food will that correspond with? Understood, yeah. Am I hot and cold?

Make something that you are so confident making. So don't try a new recipe for your main, your first dinner party. I think what you want to do is be like, yes, I'll, I've never made a pad tie before, but I think now is the time. No, it's not. If you want pad tie, order it. and pretend it's yours, fine. Or don't pretend it's yours and be like, we've ordered a pad tie in.

Nobody cares. Nobody cares. But even if you can't cook at all, you have a sort of go-to that makes you feel comfortable and makes you not feel like you're completely a loser. Because it's fully psychological now. From this point onwards, it's nothing about the food. It's your mindset. You are a sportswoman lining up to run the 100 metres.

Yeah. And you cannot wear stupid shoes. You have to wear the shoes that you're used to running in. Yes. So, for God say, don't try to get your new shoes out today. I don't get any new shoes out today. You're going to get blisters. Are you mad?

So anything that is a make-ahead dish, lasagna, any kind of shepherd's pie affair, anything that goes in, what we might describe, is a tray bake. Oh, goes in the oven. Yeah. But what you could, lasagna? Lazzania, eh? You can make a week ahead of schedule. Can you?

That will sit, cold, ready to go. Okay. With some cling film over, in the larder, or wherever the corner of you. The fridge. The corner of your house. house for honestly three. Put a lasagna in the corner of your house a week before the dinner party.

It's an old pagan ritual. Well, people feel at home. Okay, a week. Okay, okay, a day. A day. Yeah, a day. The day before. That will sit because you make your beef,

or you can make this vegetarian. It's that, then the layering, then you're cheesy layer. I'm terrible at making lasagna. Lanzania. I'd go for a pasta bake. Yeah, absolutely. but genuinely, a lasagna is genuinely one that seems alarming, but is like actually extremely achievable.

Okay, great. But the crucial thing is that it will sit looking nice, but you've made nice and calm the day before, and then ding-dong, the guests are here in the oven, it goes, rather than you covered, this is me being spat on by oil at the grill, you know, it's all. You're grilling your lasagna. The lasagna, frying up the tomato, all of this year, and it hasn't had time to sit in all of this.

So try and make, if you're going to make a meal, I'll try and make it the day before and make sure that, yeah, so then you get home from work. You've got all those starters, you've got to get the booze ready and get all the things. And make you flat not look like a shit. I'll put your lemons out. Make sure the queen's responded. A lot of that going on. And then, yes, then the actual main meal, you don't have to worry about.

Pudding sorted because you've got your nice friend who's coming with a moose. And if they haven't, throw some Hargandals on the table. Oh my God, just throw it. Throw a spoon at people's head. Yeah, done. Fine. Some fruit. We're talking strawberries, your raspberries, your red fruits, you're berries, you're berries, you're

Steely. Say raspies were very cheap and reduced in the reduced dial. And you're like, I don't want these raspberries right now. Put them in the freezer. Okay. Then you're serving your Hagendars ice cream. You've got a compot. Yes. You take those frozen berries out of the freezer. You put them in a pan on the low heat. You've made a ju! And it took you 30 seconds. It's like Hagendals and Zhu. I love the sound of it. Right? And that happened like weeks ago because you put some frozen raspberries in the freezer. Okay. Right. I'm down. I didn't think that anecdote was going to end with a solid tip. But it did. It's so solid, baby. Who saw that?

can't make. And then hopefully someone else is like rescuing the day by pudding, but really pudding isn't, you know. No, but by that point, and also we haven't got to this, drinks, make sure you have drinks, because by the time they get to the end of the main meal, people are quite drunk and don't particularly, they'll probably just eat more crisps. Yeah, you know? They'll eat whatever. They'll literally, and anything. Always get more booze in or whatever it is that you, even if you don't drink. Schler. Schler. Whatever it is you like to drink, have more stuff.

Don't feel the need to be like, well, it's a dinner party, so I'll have to make frozen, margaritas all night. Not helpful because you've got to focus on the meal. I think fancy drinks, this is all like your fifth and sixth dinner parties. You have to start and nail the food first and once you know you can do that, then you can progress on to, would you like your martini dirty or clean? Yeah, whatever. Absolutely. You're not there yet. You're not there yet. And if you are, why are you listening to this podcast? Yeah, you don't need us. We don't know how to help you. We're never going to do advanced level dinner making. Never going to get there.

We can barely progress past level one. I've never done it. Level one is just don't cry. And have some food. Don't get burnt. Serve something edible. Make sure nothing's on fire. This is my last one about broccoli.

Last tip about broccoli. Thank God. You're in undated. You can't shut off about it. Okay. Bowl of peas with some mint in it. Again, you bought a mint plant while you were buying a basil plant. Again, of course you did.

Can you buy mint plants? Oh, yeah, yeah. And if you want to keep that alive, a mint is extremely hard. Like a mint will genuinely give it a good go. Okay, so get yourself a hardy mint. Because honestly put a mint on your whatever outside space you've got. A mint. Are we talking about like a full plant in a pot? Yes, yes, yes.

Okay, fine. And it really grow, it'll look, it's one that's like, don't mind me, I'm growing. Like it doesn't, whereas Basil is like, Basil is like, It's terrible, it's dead on arrival. Mother will you spritz me? Whereas mint is like, man, I got my own thing going on. It's like the SAS of the leaf world. Mint.

You know, like they chant their own name, like B-S-A-S, yeah. Mint is fine. So have a mint plant. That goes on boiled potatoes. That goes in anything, in a mehito, in a drink, in Pims, in like... In wine, fuck it. Stick it in some wine. Mint is like...

Imagine. Minty wine. No. I'm like, what is this? Why are there's so many lemons? Pop a mint in your lemon bowl. So mint will go in anything and it feels amazing to get it literally off a growing plant. And also crucial that you get it off the growing plant,

when everyone's there and watching you do it. Of course. Don't waste that moment. And please, pop some scissors next to it, so it looks like this is a thing that you do regularly. Regularly, lovely. So you've got that and be like, no, carry on about the divorce. Snip, snip, snip.

So cook some peas, obviously the easiest thing in the world. You literally can't go wrong with those. Peas in a bowl, a bit of mint. Suddenly you're like, mint and peas. Holy shit. I mean, I'm not impressed for sure. Oh, you're not? No.

I would be if I was at a party. Keep going, keep going. Would you not be? I just like, thanks for the peas. They're the minted. Sure, I'm so sorry. I think you might have to announce the fact that they are minty peas. Oh, look, somebody wants to serve them to me and I cried.

Okay, I'm so sorry. They were so delicious. Okay, the broccoli, this is in Otolengi's book, boiled broccoli, normal. And then take it out, drain it, a bit of oil and salt and pepper on it, tiny bit of olive oil. Wish, wish, shake it up. Again, while listening to someone else. Someone else is divorced. Yes, everyone's going to divorce at a frying festival.

And then not a frying pan, but a small of the same one of the same. of a grill flat pan. Oh, like a griddle? Is that what they called? Exactly right. With nothing in it. And if you don't have that, just like a walk? A wok.

A wok, a pan. Just any pan. Just any pan. Just any pan. Make it hot. And then take your sort of oily broccoli out. Pop them in there. And then like for like 30 seconds. They make it sort of like char grilled thing.

Charred broccoli. And they honestly, you're like, holy shit. That was fucking cool. Like you've charred some broccoli. You've charred some broccoli. And now it's like when a bug and mint on that. That comes to your table. Also, if people.

put kale on a plate, on a tray, put it in the oven for a bit, massage it a bit. Oh sorry, do you? Oh yeah, you just got to want to scrunch it up a bit. Sort of massage it. Yeah. Put oil, lemon.

How are you feeling today? Very tense. Oil, salt and pepper, I was there. And they put in, and they're like, they're crisp. Crispy. And they're really nice. Yeah. They actually taste of something.

And again, what you want is the most bang. A bit of mint on it. Bit of mint again. On each individual crisp. It can't go wrong. But you want the most bang for your buck basically at every moment. Yes. Like, what's the most impressive thing I can make with the minimal amount of?

And then if you're panicking being like, but hang on, I can't do anything impressive, it really doesn't matter. Don't worry. You've made your minty peas. If you're not crying, broccoli, it's very impressive. Candles everywhere. There's so many candles. You can't move. So many candles.

For mint plants and candles. Listen, if you've got your mood lighting, you've got some dips. And you've got some wine and you've got your Spotify playlist. You cannot go wrong. You will need actual food as well. Maybe. Maybe. But otherwise.

You've got your dips and your cruditate. Of course, yeah, that's fine. That's a dinner party for me. That's it. So that's our tips. Guys. Just get some dip out and light a candle. Come on.

Come on, everyone. I feel, I've never felt more inspired. And if you are panicking about your dish that it's not good, stick any kind of condiment, whatever is appropriate, like a mango chutney, a sour cream, a whatever it needs, ketchup. For God's sake, anything. That will transform people being like, oh, to being like, is there any ketchup?

And you're like, I can eat this now. Yes, absolutely. You know? Some kind of dip. Or olive oil and salt and pepper just on everything. On everything. But just having the dips on the table will make it be like, okay, this is edible now. I can just keep putting this dip on with every mouthful.

That's true. I can't taste it, but now with the ketchup, that's actually very nice. Exactly. I hope that I helped. I hope that I helped. It was very funny, regardless of whether it helps or not. Don't really care for, entertainment. That's what we're here for.

Please send us pictures of your dinner party. Oh my God, especially if there's anything like what Tess has been describing. I need to see this. Yes, at Nobodyop Panic Pod. Tweet us. Email us. Nobody Panicpodcast at gmail.com. Download, subscribe, do a little Instagram story saying you like the podcast. Try and spread the word because we're back on this new hot series.

And we will see you next week. I'm absolutely buzzing. I'm absolutely buzzing. I can't wait for dinner. Hi on life. Have a wonderful dinner party. Please have one. Even if you only invite one guest, that's still a dinner party.

If you're just you. Every night's a dinner party. Every night. That's the thing. Every night's a dinner party. And on that note, goodbye, everybody. Bye. Bye.