Nobody Panic - How to Identify If You're a People Pleaser (Part 1)

Episode Date: November 23, 2021

Want to know if you’re a people pleaser? Feels like something you’d be aware of but Stevie has a meltdown in real time when she finds out her Truth. Is there a bit of crying? Sure! So much so that we’ve split this into a two parter - this focuses on identifying which type of people pleaser you are, then check out the second part for tips on dealing with it. And best wishes to Stevie who is doing great now (hello this is Stevie). Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Follow Nobody Panic on Twitter @NobodyPanicPodSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Hello, here's a little prologue like in the theatre when I step in front of the curtain and say, before tonight's revels begin, please know that this is actually going to be a two-parter.

It wasn't when we started recording, but then we got so into it, we discovered that what we thought was going to be quite a quick episode. It's actually got lots to say. So this is going to be part one and then next week, part two. Great prolog, Tessa, if I may. And now the episode. I'm a piece of shit. Oh my God, so great to be here. Would you like a tea?

Would you like a present? Would you like some times? No, only if you're... I mean, the times. Only if you're buying the times. Only if you're making a cup of tea. I mean, I don't need anything. Whatever you want is great.

You just... Do you not want it? I got you this on the way here. Oh, we've both exploded. Welcome to Nobody Panic with me, me, Stevie, and my good friend, Tessa. And we're both people-pleasing. too much. Hello everyone. This episode is all about how to stop being a people pleaser. It is inspired

by this audiobook and I don't really listen to a lot of audiobooks. Weird. I know. I think it's because I'm like, I'll do a better job of the voices in my head. And may we say, as we often say, when people are like, oh, I haven't read it, but I listen to the audiobook. That's reading. That's the same thing. Still reading. You read it. There are, as we currently know, seven different ways of receiving information. that we know of. We're only just discovering that when children are like, I'm bad at math. You're not bad at math.

You're bad at receiving the maths in the way that it's being given to you. But if it was presented in a different way, you'd be like, oh, that's my way. I'm not a horrible bitch. You just can't receive my information. Yeah, exactly. Turns out, is that.

Though you do need to work out which way they would like to receive the information. You can't just be like, because fuck you and leave. Anyway, so those are two things. If you think you're bad at math, and you think you can't read. Listen, I'm boosting you up left and right and centre. May I also say, open brackets, we've just recorded an audiobook of Noddy Panic. It's genuinely, my face hurt from laughing and at one point you can hear my dog in the background. Close brackets, basically. Close those brackets up. Come and have a listen. We think it's quite good. And if you're someone who

likes to receive your information hourly, please put it in your ears. We think it's quite jolly. There's some good voices. I do a Bruce Wayne voice that ruined my ruined my, voice for about 24 hours. That was good. Yeah. So come and listen for heaven's sake. Anyway, the point is, I was driving along, listening to this audio book. It is called Please Yourself by Emma Reed Terrell. And she has a really lovely voice and she's very calm sounding and I was really nodding along in the car and I really had a lot of, um, a lot of breakthroughs. So I would hurried, hurriedly recommend, uh, the book. Um, but I'm going to to dispense some of the stuff from it

with some other extra bits in this podcast, but I can't recommend it enough. Go and have a listen to the whole thing. So that is what has inspired this podcast today. Let's move on to the most adult things we've done this week, and then we'll circle back into people pleasing, if you want to. No worries if not.

No worries if not. No worries if not! Exclamation mark, fine. My adult thing is that, Stevie, I scored a goal? I scored a goal. I thought, you just run around. It was so dumb. And I was like, I cannot believe I have let this be a thing in my head for my entire life.

I've been like, I can't play football or that's a boys game or I won't be allowed. You can be wearing your worst t-shirt, no makeup. You don't even to impress any fucker because you're old now. And you don't have to be good at anything. And I was like, oh, I'm free. I'm free. So if I can inspire you. Free from the constraints of the patriarchy.

I'm done. I'm out. The paikorice. The paucry. Constrines. I said constrines of the pastry. Of the pastryarchy. Listen.

Yes. Those flaky fuckers, they got us. So if you two are like, oh, I could never do that boys game. Please be free. Be free. So that is mine. I feel, I feel electric. What's your adult thing?

Oh, God. It's quite sad. It's the, so I'm very like, I've been very all the way through my life, but very like anti-aging stuff is rubbish. like age gracefully like I love the skin you're in very much influenced by dove is that that's correct but then I started to age and now what's happened easy to be anti-aging when you are not aging yes and you think you are you're like I'm 25 now so I understand it like what are you talking about so I've now found a facial that I'm going to go I'm going to go and try a

hydra facial and I feel like that is an adult thing but look not every adult thing has to be a positive thing. It's maybe like a sad. Sometimes they can be bad. Sometimes a sad adult thing. A sad adult. It's my saddled thing of the week. In my head, a woman just has like a hose and just shoots water at my face and then I leave. I can imagine it would be more kind of in depth than that. But I really do, I really do want to age great, like it would be very happy at aging. And it feels like getting facial is the first stage of not accepting it. And I can imagine this is the next stage of Nobody panicked, just two women coming to terms with their own mortality. Well, nobody panic is what I say about that.

Absolutely. Funnily enough, this episode isn't how to stop thinking about death, but now I'm thinking we should do one. Oh, Christ. So I was listening to Emma, read Terrell in her, reading her audio book. And I was thinking, hmm, I got some things I'd like to talk about with this. Yeah. I was like, oh yeah, I'm a people pleaser.

And this book was actually recommended to me by another friend who I had been discussing a thing I do and they were like, oh, you should read this book. And I was like, nah, I know I'm a people pleaser. I don't need to read the book. And then reading it, I was like, hmm, hmm. So, Stevie, do you think you're a people pleaser? I feel like it's going to be one of those things where, you know, like when we did like how to be assertive or how to, and you kind of go, well, I don't really know.

And then for me, a people pleaser is like we opened the episode. it's really clear and it's really like, so no, I don't walk around being like, are you? Oh, God. But I am told by the person that I live with that I'm consistently going to things and showing up for other people in a way that I don't for myself ever. And I love going to, I love going to parties and stuff. Like, it's dead fun.

But then sometimes when it gets to a point where it's like, oh, actually, I can't do that. or actually fitting all those things in makes it makes me just not be able to do anything and burnt out or whatever, I will cancel the thing for myself way more. Like, I would never cancel anything on anybody else. And I get really upset when I have to cancel on someone else. But then at the same time, I do, I'm really bad at remembering people's birthdays. So that makes me think I'm not a good, I'm not a people place. I hate people. I don't know.

No, I think as a good example that people, you're like, oh, no, I'm not. I'm not very good at birthdays and I do this and like I'm and once again being like I'm a bad person. I forget the birthdays. Oh, I am a piece of shit. Oh, yeah. Right. So brown. And then what you say is perfectly summarized like you show up for other people way more than you show up for yourself.

And I think that is very true of your personality. And definitely you're someone who I often find on the floor. And then when I say, what are you doing down there, pal? You're like, you're like, you're like, I'm just, I've got to go to this. party and then I need to go to this and then I need to get to here and I really need to do this thing, but I just won't. I need to do this for myself, but what I will do is not. And I will go to that party, then I will make sure I'm there and I won't have a sleep and then I'll be ready in the morning, so that's fine. Would you say that's reasonable? I'd say, and I'd also apologize to you

because obviously I'm comfortable enough with you to you get the unfiltered version, whereas I feel I have to be like, yay, party to like everyone else. So you get the, as my boyfriend sometimes says, he's like, I get the husk. What's going on there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get the husk. You don't get fun, Stevie. You get sad, Stevie thinking about death.

Yeah, right? Yeah, very, very true. That is increasing me. I was like, is that what friendship is when you get older? It's just everyone husking next to each other. You never get to. And that's why I think people like have affairs or like have friendship affairs or like love meeting new people. Having like a honeymoon friendship where you're like, oh my God, I'm being the best version of myself.

I remember this person. And then you're and then you, I think people are like, I think I'll have an affair. I think it's just you're like, I just want to look. I just want to be. I want to pretend to be good for a bit. Yes. Yeah. I want to look nice and be like.

glitteringly exciting rather than I've sort of blown it now at this person because they've just seen me on the floor of the table. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Does she say about what the signs are of being of being able to identify that you're a people please say in the book? I think it's exactly what you've said. Like, do you find that you turn to the opinions or the wants or the needs of others before you turn to yourself? And I think it's instinctive people to be like, well, yeah, of course, because I'm not a selfish dickhead or like, yeah, I'm a good person. I do that. It's like, I'm a, I'm a good person. I do that. It's like, are you a good person or I mean not like are you a good person but of course you're a good person but have you taken that is your instinct to be like oh I'm a polite good person I show up for my friends have you taken that one step too far and at the impact of you ever showing up for yourself yes but also I was I was looking so I was having because I was having because I didn't want you to feel the burden of this episode just yourself people pleasing even though I'm happy yeah yeah go yeah but I was looking and I found some I found a couple of things that made me go like oh oh I'm I didn't think that would be related to being a people please.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I thought was quite interesting because I think we both do this. So people pleases often have a harder time recognizing how they really feel. So even if you are like, okay, how do I feel about this? Am I upset about the situation? Or what do I want to do today? Or when someone goes, hey, we could go here or here, you go like, because you actually can't find what your answer is

because you're so used to following what another person wants to do or thinks. And also as well, the thing that really got me and I was like, okay, is you're quick to agree, even if you don't really agree. So, for example, it's the, and I do this constantly.

And I have to actually actively stop because it can get me into trouble is when I'm with, say I'm at a party and if there's a group of people, say that this isn't really, this is a very simplistic way of looking at it, but if they're talking about a book and everyone's going like,

in the group going like, I love it. book, I love the way they do this, and I hated the book. I'll find something in the book that I did like, and I'll just talk about that and I'll say within the context of like their conversation, yeah, I loved it too. I liked this. So I'm not lying, but I also didn't like the book. And then I go to another group and they're going like, I hate the book. And I'll go, I hate the book too because of this is, and I will change my opinion to make the conversation work rather than assert my opinion. And I've got friends that literally will just go like, I hate it. And I'm always like, how do you?

So when I come out of a film or something with a group of people, that's my nightmare. Because I don't know what to say. I have to wait until everyone else has spoken before I've ascertained whether the film was okay. And I've started to be better at that. But that really made me go, I would never have connected that with being a people pleaser. I would have just said, like, you're spineless. It's stuff that you don't even think to associate with being a people pleaser. You think a people pleaser is like remembering everyone's birthday.

But really it's like you bow always to the opinions of, brothers. So these are the four different types of people pleaser. Love this. Okay. Love this. Love this for you. Right. I actually weirdly would identify myself as three out of these four. And so you might be like, oh, that's me just one. Or you might be a whole blend of a bunch of these. So this is number one, the classic people pleaser. The classic people pleaser takes pride in getting things right, choosing the ideal gift or hosting the perfect dinner party. The appreciation. they get becomes their definition of themselves. Self-esteem is replaced by others' esteem.

A pat on the head from an authority figure feels like winning the lottery. This is definitely a very all-girls school mentality. What we at my school, now, looking back at it, referred to as gold slip behavior. A gold slip was weirdly a thing that you got for like good work. And obviously no one actually wanted or cared about gold slips, but we might like jokingly say to each other, that like gold slip for you if you did something good and that desire to like prove yourself be the best get the little sticker say that like this would be classic like pleasure to teach you know good good isn't she good isn't she isn't she good at stuff well done her and you're chasing that sweet sweet so in adult life it's like you're chasing that sweet sweet high of someone going

what an what an exceptional party that you just hosted yeah what a beautiful drink like like a drinks place that you've all you've gone she'll go here and then everyone goes what an amazing choice tessa yeah as in that person not you don't necessarily do that but that person is so then it makes you do more and more and makes you want to be the person that is the oh my god that was such a great choice that's exactly it was i shy away from making those choices because i'm like my choice will be a shit so that i don't even i don't really chase that sweet sweet sweet high just as an alter, like, I don't think I am that person. May I offer you the resistor people pleaser?

And that will be me already. Wouldn't identify themselves as a pleaser at all. Convinced they'll never be able to please, they avoid intimacy and keep their distance and keep their opinions quiet in groups with a protective persona of indifference. Oh my God. I remember like two, three, four, three years ago, my therapist was like, I was like, I don't really have any close friends. I've got lots of nice friends, but I just don't really, and then she was like, I think,

and then we discovered that I just don't invite anyone around or would never talk to anyone because I'll be, because I'll be bad at talking to them or I'll, they'll come around and be like, why, you haven't served me the right ale. It wasn't that. But like, oh my God, that's hit me so strongly to me. my core, I'm going to have to take a breather. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a little, 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you have a little moment.

I'm working on it. Yeah, oh, baby. She'd be working on it. She'd be working. She'd be a resistor. Okay, let's keep going. Number three, the shadow people pleaser. Lives in service of other people. They pick up the slack at work, champion others over themselves,

and shower people with attention and generosity. They work out how to be the best support act. So this is something I don't do with everyone, but there are definitely people in my life who I have, I mean, I've actively said sometimes that my ideal party is I just prepare the party and then leave the party. Yes, yes, yes. And like I remember once there are, like, okay, years ago, we were doing Max and Avans, the prom, very specific everyone, but you don't need to know any of the days. details. Our friend Lolly was being the head cheerleader and I am doing this team thing. I said I didn't want to be involved. I didn't want to do anything with it. I just wanted to do everything in the background, teach everyone the routine, make everyone the costumes, do everything and then disappear

like a little shadow gremlin. And then I was and then I was like then Lollie couldn't do it because she couldn't be there. And I did have to be in charge of everything. And I did it. but that my instinct is always to be like, I'll just be here in the background. You can do it better than me. I'll just support you and give you everything you need. So I have shades of shadow pleasing in me. And then the pacifier people pleaser. The pacifier operates from a don't ever displease position.

They keep the peace at all costs, avoid conflict by burying their feelings and won't challenge others' behaviours. Passifiers seek the acceptability of the middle road, never voicing a contentious opinion or unpopular preference. But I've also definitely been a pacifier. And I think so a lot, a big part of the book is her just talking about various people under different aliases and everyone with an assumed name who have come to her in therapy. Some of them saying, I'm not a people pleaser.

And some of them saying I'm such a bad people pleaser. It's quite out of control. And you do all the work starts with basically, what were you like when you were 10? Like, what were you like as a child? That you, when you go to therapy, you're like, boring. I don't want to talk about that. But so much of this behavior comes from what you were like as a child. You have to identify what people said about you that you were like, oh, that's who I am.

And that's how I, so like something that she brought up a lot was somebody being easygoing and somebody, somebody who had a very difficult brother, them saying, oh, Susan, oh, Susan's the easy one. Jack's a nightmare, but Susan's easy. Oh, Susan's never had a tantrum. Oh, Susan's a pleasure. Jack's a nightmare. We always, oh, but Susan. And so Susan, age six, gets in her head that Jack is allowed to be a problem, but never Susan.

And Susan is loved because she's easy. And so therefore... Oh, wow. That's interesting. Susan grows up, always being like, Susan's no bother. Oh, Susan's easy. So Susan's like, that's who I am and that is why I'm loved. And so that's what I have to do.

And so it's obviously will be so personal to everybody, but you have to sort of look in your head of being like, okay, what did people say about me as a kid and what would was my, where did I be like, oh, I, you know, this is how I define my personality. This is what people said about me. This is the praise I was given. And has it therefore. And also, what are your siblings like? Have you got one very problematic sibling that or one that was always getting their own way and you always had to do what that sibling wanted? Or do you, if you're a pacifier, are you from a household that maybe had a lot of shouting or was in some way, you know, there was occasionally tension for whatever reason. And you learned that if you could just

keep everybody happy, then you would keep the peace and there wouldn't be any shouting. And she talks about this, there's talks about a lady who came to her who they just could not make any sort of breakthrough. And this woman was really hard work because she was such a people pleaser. Like if she was even a minute late, she cried because she had so sorry about upsetting the therapist. She was, at one point she wrote the therapist a poem. She was always like, I'm so sorry, I must be your worst client. I'm so sorry. I'm so bad. You must hate me all of this. How can I be better for you? And the therapist was like, I don't give a shit what you're like for me. We're here for you. We need you to unpack some of this. And it took them like eight months to

eventually identify a moment when she was age three, this little girl, and she broke something in the house completely by accident. And her parents packed her little suitcase and made her go on the door step. And then about half an hour later, her parents made her, let her come back in again. And you can understand in their minds, they were just like teaching her a lesson. And that was some kind of like,

they were very cross and they were like, in that way that like adults are like, I thought it was obvious it was a joke. And you're like, I'm a child. I don't know what's a joke and what's not. So for her age three, she's like, if you do anything wrong, you have to go and live somewhere else.

So like, of course. our whole thing is like, I mean, I think those parents were probably, I mean, we're 100% out of line. But like, you don't have to have come from like, you don't have, because often when you're like, oh, no, my parents were lovely and lots of people's parents were lovely, you don't have to have come from like actual physical abuse or anything properly dreadful to have been like, ah, here is a moment in my childhood that I think probably influenced how I react to other people or this like, I don't say things in class, or I don't do this because, and then you're like, why don't I do that?

And then you're like, oh, no. Oh no. You can unpack this stuff and not be like, oh my God, my parents fuck me up. You can be like, hey, my parents were just people trying their best. And they were good people and they took good care of me. But I now identified that some of these offhand comments that weren't meant in any way, you know, or things that happened affected how I then perceive myself. So lots of unpacking to do of your own person. Yeah. Ah, dear. And again, it could be school. It could be this whole thing of like, oh, she's a pleasure to teach or you get into. a friendship group in which you are, you, you, you're part of the friendship group is because

you always do this thing. And so you're like, okay, that's how I, that's my role. That's who I am. Yeah. Well, it's like, do you remember that episode we did? And it was a while back. And it was how to cope when your best friends move on, like when your friends move on, like when they get a partner and they, you know, so say you're living together and then they'd get a partner and move out or whatever. And it was with Dolly Olds sort of thing. And I remember being, and I was like quite, I was very much present for the episode. But I remember so at one point being like, yeah, I just don't really feel like I couldn't, because I just don't feel like that about friends and things. And then it became obvious that when I was like 10, my best friend who I'd been friends with

since I was, I mean, since I was conscious, just decided she wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. And then everyone bullied me like for four years. And I was like, oh, I don't, I didn't let anyone in. And that's why I'm not sad when they've moved on. It was really like, oh, Oh, this is so deep now. And I was like, okay, well, I can hear my therapist rolling her arm rolling her arms up. Not even, it's too, more than the sleeves. And he's a whole arm rolled. Yeah, right. You're like, oh, no. So have a little bit of a memory deep dive. And I see, this is why I do it. And then be like, okay, what can I do about this? And so there's a lot of thinking, oh, I don't want to be somebody who puts myself first because that would be an asshole or a, you know,

a bullying person or whatever. Like that's not what this is. It's not about you saying I'm the best. It isn't about saying me first. It's about simply saying me too. Oh, it's the other hashtag me too. Yeah, the other hashtag me too. Often gets, you know, sidelined.

And so you aren't, you aren't a bad friend for doing these things. You aren't, you shouldn't feel guilty. And people are like, if you feel terribly guilty about not going something, your guilt is misplaced. Like, you need to feel, when was the time that you actually truly fuck up on purpose, that you did something really bad, on purpose. Yeah. Probably never.

But like when was the last time that you felt like racked with guilt about something that actually in retrospect is not, you've made a disproportionate response to it? Yes, you made a mistake or you didn't mean to or yeah. Or simply you just didn't attend a friend's party. And yet you're like, fine. Yeah. And yet you're like one of those freeing things was when someone was said to me like in the best way no one cares that you're not at the party.

And it was like, oh yeah. of course. So I was just spiraling then for a second because I remember after the wet, this is, this is very exposing for me. But I will say it because maybe it'll help somebody go, oh yeah, I'm like that as well and you won't feel so absolutely mad. I did this without even realizing I'd done this until, what, two weeks later? So after that wedding that me and Tessa went to, there was talk of going to the sea afterwards. Like some people were going straight home. Some people we were driving to the sea. I heard Tessus say, I don't think Stevie would like the sea. I was upstairs doing my teeth and they were like discussing who would be going. And fair play. When have I ever

gone to the sea and gone, I want to go to the sea after this thing? I like to get out of a situation. I like to do the thing and then leave because I've actually gone boiling hot. Because I thought, oh, I might not be very fun at the sea. So I'd best just go because if I go to the sea and I'm not fun or maybe I don't want to get in the water and everyone's like, this is rubbish. And then I heard you say she doesn't like, yeah, no, that is true. And also, and then I was like, I don't know if I like the sea because I've never gone. And it's not, that's not a thing that we're all, everyone's constantly going to the sea. But it's very, because whenever there's a wedding, it tends to be like near somewhere or like,

we're all going to stop off at Stonehead. Like, there's always a stop off. And I'm like, no, because what if I'm just like, what if there's a wasp there? And everyone's like, oh, God, Stevie's being a pain in the ass of a wasp. Or do you know what I mean? Terrible. So that's good to have done this because now I realize I've not got over it. In any way.

I was like, I'm fine now about that. Would you like to go to the sea? Well, as we've discussed, I don't know what I like and don't like. Well, have a check. When I saw that you'd all got, I was like, that looks nice. So you would like to go to the sea? Yeah, I think so, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. So I had a lovely time in the car journey with my two friends and we had a great chat. I'm very glad I did that. But yes, it's less that like, it's less that I don't always want to go to see. Sure. But it's less that. It's more just like, say you don't want to go because you don't want to go, not that you might not be fun at the sea.

Oh my thing. Yeah, okay. So if I'm, if I'm, my position on saying Stevie doesn't, I don't think Stevie wants to go to the sea is, one, wasps. And two, my instincting that you're like, oh, Stevie doesn't like to go to the things or stop a footstone hen. Stevie wants to go home. Not, it's never could.

And therefore I was like, Stevie likes to go home. That's a thing I know about you. And it's not fair way. But it turns out it's because you don't think you'll be fun at Steve. Yes, because also that goes against that idea that I just like to leave things, that goes against the idea that I am always tend to be like the last one outer party. Yeah. I love that.

I back myself because I'm drunk. But if it's like a thing, it's like, oh God, well, genuinely like, what will I say at the sea? What will I say at the sea? Like, oh my God. What will I do? I don't have the right things. And then you were like, one of the guys that was there was like, he was just like, wearing as like boxes so wading in because no one had the stuff you didn't have a swimming

costume like no it's all fine but it's all it's that very like cool we'll just sort of go and i like often see people on instagram but how did you do like you just like yeah i bet i'll be fine there so weird so weird anyway when you think yeah i bet i'll be fine there do you mean like i will be physically fine like i'll just i'll just get a snack when i get there or do you mean like i bet i'll be fun when i get there As in like, I bet, like, that was me being like, that's what those people have thought. They've been like, yeah, I'll be fun when I get there. Whereas I'm like, I might not be fun.

What if I'm not fun there? It has, okay. Okay. Just to return to the resistor people, please. Resisting everything. Yeah. You know that whole thing about, so what me and Tessa and our friend Liz used to share, it was just me just having therapy on air.

Listen, I'm all for it. All for it. and we used to go to the edge of the fringe and also we'd go and do show places and we'd have to like stay over and find you know you end up like sleeping in various different arrangements and I was always like oh I'll sleep on the sofa of the one bed flat that we're in because I don't like showing a bed and the reason was it the reasons again i can't tell you enough how i'm only just realizing this now that with this see thing it's like yeah that checks out the reason wasn't that i'm like a bad sleeper i mean i am a bad sleep but that doesn't really bother me too much because i sleep in the same bed as my sister for example whenever we go home sometimes um is that um i would not be good at the like morning fun chat oh my god so i would be like i'll go on to my just for myself so that i can just like

I don't have to be entertaining because when you when two people are showing a bed you always hear them like laughing and sometimes I won't make anyone laugh so I'll just oh my god. These oh my god I've gone so hot these you're doing so well you're doing so well thank you for sharing with the room. I'm crying a bit yeah I can see that but like these are the things I know about you like Stevie doesn't like to share a bed. because she's a bad sleeper. Stevie likes to be on her own. Stevie doesn't want to go to Stonehenge on the way home. Like, Stevie won't want to go to the stuff because she like, in my mind, I was like, I don't think she likes being outdoors very much. Like, she doesn't, like, to go to the thing. I mean, I don't like, was, that is a fair thing.

Yeah, you don't like, and yeah, and my instinct was like, when she doesn't want to stop up at Stonehenge because she's like, where are the, in my mind, I thought it's like, maybe it's like something like, where are the snacks or like, where's the stuff? Yeah, what's the fun stuff here? What will be fun here? But really it's you saying, I won't be fun enough to go to Stoke. When I was listening to this audiobook and she was disgusting, the resistor people pleaser.

I honestly was driving along being like, what is that? Who are you talking about? It's cute. That's so funny. Who's that? Oh, yes. Okay. What are we going to do, Steve?

You need to go to the seat and decide if you like the seat. You need to start saying yes to everything. and being like, yeah, you're fun, of course you're fun. Yes, I'll go to, yeah. This is, God, I feel hot. Your instinct is like, I won't do that because I won't be fun enough in the morning. Your thing is later like, I will not please that other person enough. Who is asleep?

Who's asleep in the morning? Whereas I don't know, oh, that might be fun. We might have fun in the morning or not, but I don't think I won't be able to. I'm thinking about that. Just like, should I kind of share a bed with that person? Yes, fine. Like no one's thinking like, it never crossed my mind. Will I be fun enough in the morning?

No, but also it has to be very, very clear. These things are so deep that I'm not literally going, I cannot show the bag someone, it's happening before my brain is even saying that. Oh, I know, I know. I know, oh my God, of course. You know, me being like, I don't know, I don't care what we have for dinner. Isn't me being like, if I choose wrong,

I will have to sit on the step with the suit. By the way, that isn't me telling that story and pretending it was someone else. My parents did not make me sit on the step. That is crazy. but like I do come from a pacifier like everyone else has got more opinions than me and we need to keep the environment calm so everyone else too it isn't none of these things are conscious but it's so good to unpack them and you're being very brave and I so I think no absolutely the first thing

on her list of like how do we work through it is like to start saying no but I actually think your thing needs to be to start saying yes to things and to be like yeah I want to go to the sea if only to discover if I like the sea. And when you're there, be like, do I like the sea? As opposed to, does everyone at the sea like me? Yes, yes. The default can't be, I won't do that. Like the default has to be like, let's just see.

Let's see at the sea. Oh my God. And then if you're at the other sort of end, a big thing that she kept saying through the book was like, you need to find somewhere else to find your validation, not from other people. And for me, I kept in the car shouting, where?

From where? From that's man? Where will I get it? Yeah, because then doesn't that affect so much of like if you get your reassurance and just everything from other people, then also things like when you are in a relationship, for example, you then can, anyone that shows you sort of anything, it's like you would be like, yes, great, someone who's showing me something rather than that person is actually the best thing for you. So you can get yourself in a real hot spot of bother. You can get yourself into a real mess.

And if you're in a relationship where you're like, when you say, like what do you love about this other person? And your answer is like, they love me. Like that's, you're like, yeah, lovely, but like that can't be the thing that you love. That can be the first thing. That can be the first thing that you love most about them. And if you are in this position of like, where does your validation come from and you're looking for someone else? Oh my God. It's a lot, isn't it? And then you think, and because if you're like, oh, wow, I literally let all my validation come from other people. Me, the entire journey, just I think, well, where else can I get it? It just needs to be about rather than others esteem.

it needs to be your own self-esteem of being like, oh, I don't need other people to like me or to, not that they will dislike you, but you don't demand that they like you for you to feel good about yourself. And their opinion of you isn't the most important thing. And it's about being like, what do I, what do I actually like? Is it the sea? Is it this? What do my opinions on this film? What do I actually like? And I think if you're really struggling with it, there's two things. And I know we're coming to the end because we've had a big and deep. Oh, my God. We've not given any tips.

We've just talked about me going to the sea. Should we do part one and part two? So this is all about identifying yourself. And then part two is like how to like do it. I think that could work. Initially, this was obviously supposed to be one episode, but we've decided to split it into two. So this is identifying.

And then next week we're going to be doing about how you can become less of a people. please it and change your perception. Is that correct, Tessa? Absolutely. This is not how we began this session, but we've made some huge revelations and we need to give them the respect they deserve. So we'll join us. That's the end of your session today. You owe 75 pounds. I'll see you next week. I'll see exhausted. Follow us up, Nobody Panic Pod. Let us know which one you are. our book, it's more of this. Well, it's none of this. Some of this.

And we will see you next week to learn how to stop being a people's visa. See you next week.