Nobody Panic - How to Know if you're Ready for an Animal

Episode Date: March 26, 2019

Stevie has a rescue tortoise called Doctor Alison Parker and Tessa once bought a horse in a Mcdonalds carpark. Never have two people been more qualified to address the nation on everything you need to know about looking after an animal. Find out more at howtobuyapet.org.uk!Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The date is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace. It's coming to London. True on Saturday the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September at King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. to nobody panic. Hello, welcome. This podcast, while we learn with you. It's really for us. You're a bonus. Yeah, thank you for being here.

Thank you for being part of it. Yes, it's a sort of, let's get your shit together. Yeah, come on, guys. And this episode is about how to tell if you're ready to get a pet. Because I think lots... I thought I was ready to have a dog

when I was about 16. Wasn't? No, no. Easy to believe. Easy to think you are. The overwhelming desire to, like, Oh, it's so cute. Oh, look.

Over like, oh, it won't have any room. It's, you know, it's quite hard. There's a popular reductress tweet. Oh, yes. Doing the rounds. Yes. Woman plowing ahead with plan for a dog, despite not being emotionally or financially stable.

Perfect. That's how we all feel. If you don't follow the reductress already, go on Twitter. Follow Reductress. It's a pistake of women's magazines. But it is also very, sometimes it's on the nose. Oh, God, it is, yeah.

It's two on the nose. Two on the nose. But I don't think I, I mean, I don't think I've ever not at least cracked a smile. Oh, oh yes. I'm smiling through it while being very seen. Oh, constantly seen. So seen. I really enjoy that one that says, I am enough.

And if we're honest, too much. Which I feel very seen. And my absolute classic favorite, which is how to be a lady in the sheets and a haunted clock tower in the streets. Yeah, it's good. It's good. absurd business. But I think that thing of like, oh, I know what will fill the gaping hole. Yeah. A dog. A cat. That's the answer. Even a fish is quite high maintenance. All of these things. I think I would like a cat. Okay. Let's talk about that. But not now, because we're going to do our adult things first.

Okay. Hey, if you're just listening, I don't know why I'm thinking we have loads of new listeners. This is the time they'd arrive. Yeah. Now, if you're listening, if you're not a regular listener, we do an adult thing that we've done each week. And there is, there is a lot of, we've done each week. And there is a lot. There's no adult thing, too lame or too complex. For example, here's mine. Standing up taller. Right? See? The bar is low, everyone.

Or high if you're you, because you're trying to sound tall. Basically, I told you about going to the physio. Yes, you did. Because you've got no muscle in one of your legs. Correct. And then, do I tell you about having the ultrasound? No. You get an ultrasound.

I've had an ultrasound. And it's all like, and they're like, oh, that's a bad muscle you're like, how can you tell? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't look like anything. I had a full one on my tummy in a very sort of... Do you have a baby? No, nothing in there as it turned out. But I was like, I said to her like, this would be the time to find out, wouldn't it?

It would be a shock for us all. She didn't laugh. And but she did say, gosh, I've actually, gosh. She kept saying gosh. And I was like, come on, what's the issue? And she was like, well, you've got, you don't have a single abdominal muscle. And I was like... Don't say that.

She, and that... How can you not have an abdominal? She honestly said, I actually don't know what's keeping you up. Like, that's what she said to me. That's incredible. Yes. So. How have I not noticed somebody next to me who's being held up by their bones?

It would, that feels like you would be standing in a really weird way. I do stand in a really weird way. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think maybe you're just immune to it. But I stand with one leg, completely crooked and with one leg completely faced outwards. That is weird. Yeah, I know.

And I do it, I've discovered, on my physio journey, because I'm compensating. I'm making myself sound like tiny tim, but I have one leg bigger than the other. So I'm like, compensate and I've got this really... Oh, I've noticed that. Right. Or Tessa big leg. Massive right leg. And I've got this really crooked spine, like an S shape.

Oh, like a scoliosis thing? Yeah. Oh, like really, not, not, no, but like... Oh, right. You said yes, so you could understand why I thought you meant yes. You can't. You know what? With retrospect, we can see why. Like a backwards, really, really curved, like a backwards S. But not enough to have to see, I have the brace.

Not enough for a brace. Although they did say you can, she was like, it's also, they're like, you can pursue down the brace route if you like. I do it. Yeah, I'm going to get involved. Because you can't take that off like you can with Invisaline. Whatever. You can, but you can't just like, it's quite a...

It was implied it was a when I fancied sort of a brace. Yeah, but it's not like a casual thing. It's just like, oh, just pop it. off like it's a thing you think it's like you have to get someone to help you do it and stuff so you would have it on for like it that's a good thing wow okay I imagine I think I'm speaking from absolutely no place of knowledge okay I think I may have like had a dream once that I had scoliosis right if anyone has it and message us because it's a thing like it's really common yeah yeah yeah she suggested the brace but I imagine the brace was you know it's a bit of fun

A bit of fun. A bit of fun when you fancied. She was sort of like, she was really sort of tapping, you know, someone like taps being like, I don't really don't know what to do here. Because you're obviously not like. Please do a sit-up. Yeah. She was like, I couldn't.

I had to like basically hold, I had to like launch, use my own. Pressure. She could get up. This is quite bad. I know. She kept just being like, gosh. Every time I did a move. And then.

and then like to like raise things I have to basically like hold myself on and then like throw myself over. Okay. So I've been trying to do all these little tiny boring exercises to attempt to get some abdominal strength. Oh good. And trying to stand with my feet facing forward. And I've been to see various like deep tissue massage people. Oh right. To like release some of the tension everywhere in an attempt to. And basically they were saying,

as those of us following my splits journey, they were like, what you're doing is... We're just cruelly cut short. Cruely in my dreams. When you realise that you had no muscles in your right leg. Yes. But how amazing, if you hadn't have done your splits journey, you'd be walking around thinking that you had muscles.

I know. Like an idiot. And I am just incredibly weak. Anyway, if you just keep stretching and being like, oh, I've done my stretches, why is there still a problem? why am I still in pain? It's because, like, a piece of blue tack,

imagine you found, like, a cold piece of blue tack, and you just, like, attempted to make it into something. It would just pull apart. But if you, like, you've got to roll it in your hands first. Whirl me up. And now it's like, ooh, we're making things. She's like, you are a rock hard, cold, ice cold piece of blue tack. And you're just attempting to stretch yourself,

but you're basically just breaking. And you've got to release all of those things. Yeah, so I basically go to rebuild myself. I've got to take myself up. So your idle thing is you're rebuilding all of your muscles. and your body. Yes. Yes. Pretty adult.

Yeah, thanks. So giving it a good go. I think that's very impressive. I'm trying to rebuild myself from the inside. I can't wait. I love how the splits journey has become now rebuild all my muscles and body journey. So looking forward to continuing that journey with you.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you everyone for being part of it. Thank you. God. My one's not as extreme, but I don't think any adult thing we've ever done has been as extreme. I was trying to stand up taller.

Of course, yeah, but I think we've, that once you've let the Pandora's box out. Sure, sure. Standing up taller, sure, but you are also retraining every muscle in your body. That's, you know. Yeah. That is it. If it's at all helpful for anyone,

they said to keep a scarf or a pillow or anything, roll it up and put it in the bottom of your spine when you sit on the chair. Okay. In an attempt to, like, force yourself forward. I don't know. Yeah. I'm going to do it too. In an attempt to...

Because I have a bad, I have a bad posture. That's why my shoulder's gone apparently. To be when it rolled up like it's a, you know, a board. And then... Oh, this just feels quite pleasant. Yeah, like it feels like something's supportive. You're like, ooh, everyone's on board. Yeah, and then when I was standing up right,

I've been trying to hold my own wrist like Claire Foy and the crown. Okay, did the physio say that? No, that's me. And that's a bonus. One for you, physio. One for me. One for me. One, a gift for myself, like you.

So, one from professional and one just a good idea I've had. So, okay, I'm looking for, that's fun. Yeah, so there we go. Okay, that looks very chilled out. Thank you. Yes. Okay. And yours, please?

Historically, my kind of loungewear has been, like, old t-shirts. Where are we going? Where are we going? I'm regrowing my loungeware all over my body. No, historically, loungeware has been old t-shirts from my youth, my old P-E kit at one point. Gosh. Well, like, you know, like a school, like what I was.

It was like a baggy polo shirt and your sports. Yeah. And your knee pads. Yeah. No. Just like an old big top that I used to wear for like netball matches and stuff. I don't know. Hoodies from uni when I stole someone's like Team Durham, the big sports gangs jumper and then

never gave it back. And I never was a part of that sports group, but I wore it anyway. Oh, every day. Just like, and then just basically stuff that is a bit shit and not I wouldn't wear out the house. But the thing is, I think I feel fairly normal. You've got like kind of rubbish pyjamas, whatever. And then you've got like two pairs. of really nice pyjamas.

It's like, oh, this is for a special occasion and you ever actually wear them? Oh, correct, never. You see where it's coming. So I got rid of every bit of loungeware that I wouldn't be, and it wasn't loungeware, that I wouldn't be, no, that I would be embarrassed sort of like popping down to the shops in

and replaced it with real cheap, like just, you know, yoga pants, track pants, not actual, basically, H&M, I've got these like six pounds, track pants in a array of different colors. And like, t-shirts that are like five pounds, I think. And I just went and got like a couple of those. I got, um, my parents bought me a couple of nice sets of pajamas for Christmas. And rather than to make them nice, I'll wear them.

Lovely. And just make, and now I don't have like three drawers full of shit clothes. I've got one drawer, which is full of nice pajamas. So whenever I'm like, it's time for pajama time, which is the whole day. Often. Often. Every night. Then it's like a, oh, yeah, I'll wear.

these rather than like just that subconscious feeling of which piece of shit should I put on now which is at least holes in and yeah what if the Tesco delivery man arrives and I look like yes yes over the winter period where I had not had on um I had on the same I've been sleeping in then getting up for the day then going back to bed in the same what do they these are I've got track pants on that slept in quite right absolutely quite right you look good though. I look, lounge.

You look ready to lounge. Yeah. But I did think to myself on day three I thought it is hard to have much self-respect that's the problem inside this jumper.

Yeah, yes, that is true and I think if I feel like a bit nice, like I've got like a nice dressing gown now and nice slippers and I'm like and by nice again I don't mean expensive I just mean like fucking matching.

I was wearing these lovely slippers that my friend got drunk and bought me which were like dolphins no whales with like silver water coming at their blowholes and they looked mental and then I was like cool they can be for fun but then I want some classy slippers as well that I'm like I'm just a classy woman padding around my house making a pepperminty you know

doing some work in my pyjamas now doesn't feel like oh you're disgusting slob it feels like I'm in my loungewear I've updated from PJs to loungewear that's basically what it is fantastic move I support it 100% it's taken me till age 30 to figure out how to do that Well, it's tricky. It's tricky, right? Right, okay. It's about self-respect.

Right, so. Let's go for it. So I got a very nice man called Arthur Thomas, got in touch with me recently, and he works for the International Fund for Animal Welfare, which is basically a global... A foul. That's how it's how he says it. A global animal charity, conservation charity, which basically works to protect animals in their home, wild animals and pets all around the world.

For example, one of their current campaigns is tackling puppy farms, which we've heard about. Have we all heard about that? Anyone else watch Paula Grady for the love of dogs? No one? The illegal pet trade, which is basically breeders who basically has been a big boom in buying, big boom in buying, in buying pets, dogs, cats, any sort of pet, online, gumtree, Facebook, through like a sort of website that looks like it was set up in the 90s. And you're like, oh, that's cheap for a cockapoo.

I'll just get it. and you don't do any research into who the breeder is. And puppy farms are absolutely dreadful. Often they'll like stud the puppy, a stud a dog for years and years and years and years. And this poor dog has never sees sunlight, never like is treated horrifically. It's literally just a machine to churn out these little puppies. Puppies who are rants or whatever just get killed. Like really horrible, often quite bad conditions.

And the ones that aren't sold are often terminated. So really dreadful. My friend is currently trying to get a dog Or thinking about a dog, our friend And she went to see a breeder recently And was like, yeah, I'm faced with these beautiful little puppies She was able to go

I'm not sure about where the sort of like What I'm not 100% sure about this breeder And you don't want to give money to a breeder Who's going to then be like Continue propagating this horrible cycle But it's not just about dogs obviously But there is horrible stories So I've got tortoise, horrible stories of

Tortoise is being imported are just stacked up in boxes, 90% of them die, but they're so expensive because you can sell them for like 350 quid, 400 quid and upwards. It doesn't matter if most of them die because the ones that are left can just be shut. Like, it kind of pays for itself. Like really, really awful.

And like the first thing that we're going to talk about is how to make sure you're ready for a peck. But you also have to keep in mind that if you can't afford to go to a good breeder, the things that you can just check to make sure that you're not basically funding something that is criminal and not nice. And it isn't just just dogs, it's everything. I remember those Andrex adverts, you know, they don't make them anymore with the golden retreat. And it was like, oh, how lovely.

And then somebody I knew once saw them making the adverts. And it was like, oh shit, of course. Some person is on the contract for the Andrex puppies. And then there's like 20 of them, you know, that they're, just like ship, they're in like a crate and when one side just like throw another one in and of course they're like whenever they're filming they just need them to be exactly this size

and so you know once you're retired from being an Andrex puppy of course you'll know oh you go on to I'm sure to be rehomed to be rehomed and live a full and wonderful life but it's more that somebody some mother is making those puppies so there's always enough

there's a real whatever humans are involved with anything quite surprisingly it just becomes not very nice and all about money, doesn't it? Which is horrible. But let's keep it light. Absolutely. Keep it fresh, keep it light. I reckon, so we've got some good advice from Ifal, but also...

The International Fund for Animal Welfare. The first thing is to decide what sort of pet you could realistically have. So you might have it in your brain that you're like, right, well, I'm going to get a dog. I genuinely believe if you don't have a garden, a nearby park and a

relatively large flat, Yes. That's not the only thing, you know, you need money and there's so many other criteria. But that's your basics. Don't get, you can't get a dog. You're not allowed a dog. No. Because it's unfair, I think.

Obviously, if you have like a yard or you don't have a garden but you live right next to a park and you can, you know, there is basically space for the dog to kind of roam free and feel happy great. But like, yeah, you have to be really realistic, I think. It's very unlikely that you are probably the sort of person that can go straight in for a dog immediately. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I think... Get a plant first. Try a plant.

They're very complicated though. I think plants... Plants... I've kept a tortoise alive. Can't keep a plant alive. Remember when I went to that dog restaurant? Yes. I borrowed my boss's dog to go to a dog restaurant one day.

And it was the most stressful day of my life. I picked up the dog. Me, my friend, on the dog. Off we went, on the tube. And I really loved the dog. And the dog loved me. And she used to come to the office every day and I'd walk her. And then I was like...

And that once around the block had given me the belief that I was like, totally can take this dog out. Yeah. And then we got on the tube and then I just like strode up the escalator with her on the leash. And everyone, like everybody's eyes shouting at me because of course she didn't know that she, I didn't know you had to hold a dog on the escalator. Oh my God, right. And then we get to the, you know, have a nice day out of the dog restaurant where people ate

but also the dog could eat at the table. That was the point of the dog restaurant. I doubt it still exists. And then took it home back. and I was like, oh, thank God, dropping off the dog. Then the owners had gone out. And then I was like, okay, I guess the dog is just coming with me. And then I took the dog to the corner shop and I was just like, what do you need?

And the dog took me to the dog treats. And I just bought everything. I was like, I don't know what this dog eats. I don't know what to do with it. And then in the pub, it was like, I took it to the pub, obviously. Got pissed. It got pissed. Like, it started a fight.

It was barking everywhere. I was like, I don't know what you. And I felt how, I guess, new parents must feel. Because despite living in the countryside and having horses. and chickens and a sheep and a lamb in the bottom of the auger. We didn't ever have dogs. My parents, one grew up on a cattle farm in Alberta and one grew up in deepest North Wales

and they had the idea that dogs should be like working animals. I see. And so we never had dogs. He had that cute cat, didn't you? Yeah, we heard a lot of cats. He was so cute and he dribbles. He was incredibly old. He looked like the puppet Salem in Sabrina.

Yeah. When like, you're like, that's not a real cat. That's a stuffed puppet. That's what your cat like. That's literally, the cat was called Solly. So, Sonny was so cute. He was born in it. He used to hold him and then he'd be like a little tiny bit of dribble.

It was just like, a little cat dribble. He was really cute. You had to check him that he was breathing. Because he just would lie beside the argument, like he looked completely dead. And he had to go so close. And it was like he was an old toy that like his purr had got so quiet. He had to be so close to here his purr. Anyway, that was Solly.

Yeah. And we haven't had a proper animal in the house. Well, it's different when it's, because you're living in your parents' house and you didn't own the horse, like you did. No, yeah, yeah, you're right. But your parents are always able to. My parents, exactly. So whenever I, it's part of the reason.

And also, the first time I remember trying to throw a party. With the horses? With my horses. You know, a horse tea party. Yeah, yeah, me and the horses got around. No, the first time at university, I tried to throw a party.

I remember being like, oh my God, why am I so bad at this? And my friend was like, because your parents did it. You just got to be like, I think the theme is this. Yeah, and then they did the thing. It's so stressful.

I had a dog when I was growing up, and it was my dog to Walker. But obviously my parents' job to take her to the vet to check when, like, she got mites off like another dog. And also like the first time that she got her period, my parents, before she got spayed, my parents like made little pants for it because obviously they were like, well, I don't know how much she's going. But like, I didn't have to do any of that. No. And I wouldn't know to do that. You were just in charge of hugging. I was just in hugging.

And like being like, yay. And my parents did all like the kind of bathing and like they admit like brushing the teeth and like all of the stuff. You're knowing that when you're a puppy, you're not allowed to go on the grass because your pores aren't strong enough. Yeah. It does all the shots and stuff before you can do that. Yeah. When we got Alison, my tortoise, me and my sister were living together.

My mum came across as like tortoise rescue place. And these tortoises had been rescued from very bad conditions, but they were in the halfway house just kept in this shed, which is very not good for tortoises. Like they didn't have any UV light, they didn't have any warmth. So my mum was just like, oh, get that. them out. So she gave them to me and Gina and the first year was genuinely the most stressful thing. I can't tell. And they're actually very simple once you know the stuff. So now she's

absolutely fine. Like she's never any stress, apart from once when she had a kitchen sponge that was stressful. But then the... How did she get it? And did she eat the whole thing? She climbed up on some, they like climbing. She climbed up on the shelves and there was a sponge that I'd just wipe, like, clean the fucking sink with. And then she ate it. And then I was like, well, she's... The whole thing? No, like, you know how some people eat, like, Mars Bars and Snickers where they eat all the chocolate off the sides?

And then they eat... Who? Well, like, you know, people will, like, eat chocolate boys in, like, a fun way, like, eat crunchies, or they, like, buy all the stuff off, and then they eat the middle bit. No. Okay, well, lots of people listening do do that. She'd need all the way around,

as if she was just going to keep doing that to, like, save the fun part in the middle. I don't know what she was saving. Like a dark green top yellow... Yeah, yeah. She'd mainly gone for the yellow stuff. Either way, I thought she was dead. she was just going to die.

So we like rushed her to the van. The vet was like, she'll shut out. It's like, Jesus Christ, okay? So they're very hardy things. And they are also just very simple.

They don't, she doesn't follow me around being like, please hug me or like she doesn't get sad when she's left alone. She actually gets sad if I try and hug her. So she needs to be left alone. Despite all that, I just didn't feel like I was ready to look after her. But it actually has been a really great learning curve.

And it has really helped. And we were ready. And we did have all the. You became ready. Became ready. You just like every day was and continues to be like, oh, Alison's pregnant. She's reabsorbed her egg. Oh, she's reabsorbed her own eggs.

Oh, she's pregnant. There's no male in the house. Oh, she's just decided it. Yeah. That's the thing that can happen. Yeah, you've just. Oh, now we have to hibernate her. Hybernating was one of the most stressful things too because it's like, oh, God, well, we haven't done that before.

So there's so many things. It's a bit like an arranged marriage. And sometimes an arranged marriage works. Absolutely. Until people live till the end and they're so happy together. Pervasive cultural practice because I think it can be very positive. It can be very positive. You just learn as you go.

It's so annoying. Some people can get married for love and get divorced so many times. I think maybe having the choice taken away from you, you're like, well, I guess it's you and me. Let's make the best of it. Make it work. Yeah. And I think so even if you are excited for an animal and now you're panicking because of us,

remember that you can, maybe you'll make a go of it. of it, but just go into it with your eyes open, ready for like, oh shit. I thought there'd be more hugging involved. Yes. And there appears to be a lot more shit. Yes. Yes. And yeah, I thought you'd like me stroking you, but you don't.

If it's a tortoise, for example, if it doesn't give a lot of love back. First thing that the International Fund Fenfellan or welfare say, which I think is a good point. And what we're saying is you have to be prepared. So don't just go, I'm going to get a tortoise and then be like, or I'm going to get a chameleon or I'm going to get a fish, even a fish, because different, different, fish require different temperatures of water and different changes of different food and different like and also different amounts of space for example when we got a weather roach I think it was

called when I was little and I picked it the a pet shop not a pet shop it was a garden centre I think it was okay I think it was fully legit anyway and turns out what we didn't know was the weather roach was part amphibian so would shoot up into the surface of the water to get air every like five minutes and it shot up out of the tank and then my sister stepped on it. So, and then we, everyone cried for about seven weeks. And it was like, so I think, I think we kept it alive for a day. I'm saying like those sorts of things. Even fish can be really tricky. I do not recommend getting a fish. Fish are quite fun. Actually, you know, what? Fish are fine. I don't think. I don't think a fish. Okay. I also don't think. Why? They're quite deep. Like, I think that they're a good starting pet.

If you're like, will I be able to look after a pet? I feel quite strongly about animals that don't know what you and to me that's most animals no I think rabbits rabbits yeah I don't think rabbits okay this is you come in real down real hard on a billionaire she's come out of the blocks real hard yeah so you think you should only get a dog basically yeah I don't think horses know that you're a human either and then when you ride on them they're like I genuinely think whenever a human gets on a horse is like here we go the horse is like right well I guess I have to do this then. Yeah, but I do also, yes, I hear you.

And I guess now that I've decided to die on this hill, I've got to really commit. Such a strong opinion. I take it back. I think horses, because you can, when a horse doesn't like being ridden or doesn't like. Yeah. You know it books wrong. You know, like it doesn't want to do the things. Like the ones that do the flat racing, whatever.

They're having an ice. Like, they truly wouldn't do it. They're being very well looked after. They're being so well looked after than most humans. And also they wouldn't do it if they didn't like it. but I do think a fish does not. A fish has no idea what it's doing. Doesn't know.

But that's, there's something quite, it's not cruel to have a big tank and a little goldfish in it. Because the goldfish is just like, oh, fine, every second of every day. I don't think that's true. I think we tell ourselves that so we feel better about keeping a goldfish in a... I thought they had like a seven second memory. No, we just say that so that we don't feel bad about keeping the fish in the tank. Oh my God.

Right, this is rapidly turning into... Oh, God. So basically... This is how the alt-right get in. So our advice is, I guess, don't ever get an animal. It's hard to say. No, I think if you do some, look, I haven't done any research on fish. Neither have you, because neither of us, I said neither or neither, then different pronunciations

in the same sentence. Wow. Because neither of us have ever wanted to get one. So, but when I was growing up, we had fish, the three goldfish that we had were very well looked after. And they lived to be like eight and nine and ten years old. So they were like quite happy. Because when a fish isn't happy, it just dies, like immediately.

It's just like, eh. Do some research on fish. Do some research on fish memory. It makes you feel better. Have a look at the best sort of thing that you can offer. Because I think the most stressful thing when I got Alison and Gina got Gary was that I just felt the whole time being like, is this enough? Like, do they, does she want?

And obviously it's never enough. Like, unless you live on an old farmhouse and you have acres of land, it's never enough for an animal. But an animal can be happy in less than that. So that's the first thing. which pet is going to suit your needs that you can offer, like in terms of your flat size, your house size. Also, what you want, do you want something that will show you affection?

Don't get a fish or a tortoise or really sort of a reptile, which is fine if you don't want that. But if you want, like I do, undeniable love all the time, and affection and admiration, if I'm honest. I think it's such an important thing is, like, checking in to be like, what do I need and why? Yes, because you are also an animal. And if it's just like just some company, something to come home to,

to say hello and that would be like a hamster rat. Fine. Just anything that's in the house to say hello too. Lovely. Or it's like a starting pet where you're like, right, well, if I can look after a hamster, then I can in the future be more confident looking after a bigger pet. But rabbits are very, very affectionate. I was going to say if you were thinking like, I want an affectionate thing but not a dog, rabbits are very affectionate.

They kind of cuddle you and sit on your lap and whatever. I think a rabbit, like rats, like rats, oh God. I hate rats. Ferrets, for example. Ferrets? Like, Tash seems to. Our friend's Tash, who was. who was like, oh, a ferret.

But then when she got the ferretes, was like, they're the best animals in the mall world. They probably chuckle when they're happy. Yeah, apparently they're amazing. But they also have real issues where they are full escape artists. So they had to ferretproof their house because they kept finding the ferret in the walls.

And then once you do ferretproof your house, for example, then you're like, fine, I'm laughing. Yeah, the ferret can get in the... They get, like, behind the bookshelves and constantly, like, losing these little ferrets. May I just say? Yes. The myth that fish have short memories

has been debunked by research, which shows they respond to training after months in the wild. While it was previously believed that Fish's memory span was only three seconds, they now believe they can remember up to five months.

Well, okay, I've nothing to say to that. You have a really, nice tank with loads of fun caves to go in. There's five months worth of fun in there. That's five months worth of fun. I'd be happy about it.

I've had five months worth of fun. I've had more than five months worth of fun in a tank. The other thing, one of the other points is, can you afford it? Because yes, they are also more expensive than you think,

because it's not just the money that you're spending to buy them. It's the vet bills. It's the food. So, Alison has this, like, UVB light, UVA and UVB light, very specialised light. And we were like, man, it's like 25 to 35 quid. Okay, and then you buy it, and then you realize you have to update it every few months. You know, that's quite a lot of money. And then with the food, it's like, she only eats weeds.

You're like, great, but I live in London. There are no weeds. I have to, like, buy weeds from this woman in Surrey that's, like, 25 quid for six weeks worth of regular weeds. Yes, she draws a little tortoise on the packet as a little tortoise stamp. What kind of weeds are we talking here? Oh, things that are called things like shepherd's nose and like, you know, the vicar's butt shake, like all those sorts of... I'm going to move into weed management. You should. You could do that.

Oh, gross and weeds? Yeah, grows and weeds. Okay. And then she sends them in a little bag with a little note of what the weeds are, and then in a little box every week and you buy like a bit. It's basically I've got like a weed subscription. That's fantastic. That's the most like ultimate modern millennial to be like, can be like, can be like, you got a weed guy.

Yeah. Yeah. She's called, she's called Sheila and she draws a little picture of a tortoise on the, on the vicar's butt cheek

when I'm judging in. Yeah, it comes in a vicar's butt cheek. It's, but, you know, those things are, Alison, last year,

the vet bills were astronomical because she had to get an ultrasound. She had to get, like, all this stuff because I was just like, well, she's got eggs, and it was,

every time I went there was like 300 quits. So it ends up being like, fucking bro class year because I'm a dog, just a piece of Lego. Two grand. Oh!

God, that's so expensive for a piece of Lego. That's so much. And it's just like, off we go to the vet, I guess. This is good stuff, though, because you've got to know if you can afford those things. And if you're just being like, yeah, no. Something our friend has been doing, who has basically had a dog on her vision board for many years, has been making a saving account called The Dog and has been putting the money in there for not only to buy the dog, but to feed the dog, the vet bills.

Here is the When the Dogg. This is the Safety Deposit box called When the Dog. eats the Lego. Yeah. So that the money is there ready. And also going to like puppy school. We didn't know that like, hello Claudia, her dog Heidi, a beautiful miniature toy poodle. Has her own Instagram account.

Hoydhi the poodle. Heidi the poodle. Isn't it Pudin Linde Heidi? Could be. You have to sign up for puppy training. Yeah. And to get into the good schools, you got to put them to, like Eaton, you got to put them down way in advance.

Yeah. It's all this stuff that you're like, oh, whoa, here's a whole new world I had. know. And also one of the tips that the IFAW say is I always look at rescue centres before you look at breeders because that's obviously very helpful. But the other flip side to that is when you get a rescue animal, they may need more care. Yeah. But mainly the dog eat the Lego fund. So whatever pet you have, I wish I'd done that with Alison, but I didn't know that I was going to get there. Like having a little, just put a bit of money aside every month. But you can now move it into Alison's Allison's College Fund. Alison's College Fund when she graduates. Yeah, of course. You can

now have it ready for, you know, move a little account. Her 21st birthday, like, all that's all the good stuff, you know. Start doing it now. Okay, yeah. Then, do you have enough time question? Crucial. Which, very crucial, especially with dogs walking, training, dogs like being left alone. People are like, yeah, well, I'll leave my dog alone when I go to my job.

You're like, right, that is actually not good for most dogs. Well, a fascinating thing that I didn't occur to me is that with a dog, you can decide whether you wanted to be the loving, jumping, oh, she's home, she's home, she's home. But the flip side, and obviously with that comes, the extreme high of your dog is in love with you. And it's greeting you. And it's greeting you.

With that comes the extreme low of can't be left alone for a long time. Because it gets sad, because it misses you. That's what our dog is like. It eats your shoe. Or you can make like a working dog that knows that like it lives here. These are the times that it's left alone. It just sits quietly. Like it's...

But there's no love there. But there's no true love. It's no true love. It respects you, but it's never going to eat the shoe, but it's also never going to jump on you because it's so excited to love you. And I didn't realize that. No, we could have both. I thought you could have both too.

We had a dog when I was growing up in Charlie, rest in peace. And we used to set up a little thing where when we were out, she could watch the cars on the main road, through the window, because she genuinely loved doing that. And then we realized that maybe she was just looking out for us to come back. and then I just I couldn't think about it because obviously we'd be out of school my dad

my mum and dad didn't well like self-employed so they would be in more than normal but they would obviously would be occasions where we'd be out all day and then just the joy of seeing her would be constantly compounded

with like that oh my god you've been left alone for six hours and like with no concept that you'll ever return you ever coming back so you have to think about oh it's a lot isn't it

like so if you're somebody has a nine to five job that is something you have to think about Or is the office dog friendly? That's true. Can the dog come with you? Can the dog come? Also, talk number three, can your dog get a job?

Can your dog get a job? But also, any sort of animal, you have to make sure that it's going to fit in with the time that you can give it. Like, you know, for example, we used the example of rabbits. My sister had a rabbit at university. And she ended up being the only, and all the friends like, yeah, it'd be so cute to have like a rabbit. And then she ended up being the person that looked after this rabbit all the time. She was the one that like, you know, spent the most amount of time. She was the one that, like, cleaned it out all the time.

Because cleaning out, even cleaning out fish is a pain in the ass. You have to do that every week. And when a fish isn't cleaned out, it's the saddest thing in the world, and it's animal cruelty. So clean your fish out. Also, you might have to say if you get the tip here as well as if you get an animal, you might have to be aware that in those first few months, you might to take more time off work to be with it and to make sure,

no matter what sort of animal it is, because you will be both adjusting to your new kind of situation, think it's important. My friend Laura got some rescue kittens up through the night with them, feeding them with droppers every 45 minutes. Oh my God. Like fully was mother. A teat?

Your friend became a teat. She was a teat. She was a living teat. You know, like couldn't, they couldn't be left. That's actually 0.3 here. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Become a living teat.

You know, she was a full-time mother to these kittens. God. I could not want an animal less. Oh, no. But also they're great. But like the benefit of getting it, you know, it makes you, it gives you a routine, it gives you a schedule. It also gives you something to look after it. I find, even though Alison was quite stressful when we first got her, I'm so glad we got it because I feel now like it's just so nice when I'm working and she's just like plodding around next to me.

And now I know. She's a part of your life. She's a part of my life and I care about her. And I also feel like there's something other than myself to care about because I'm very selfish. And like, but I have to soak my tortoise every day, you know, didn't know you how to do that. I have to do that for 20 minutes. So it doesn't matter whether I want to watch TV. I've got to soak my tortoise.

My tortoise is dry, you know? Absolutely. And that is a, it's a positive, it makes you, I think it makes you a better person if you're able to look after something else. You're so right. I agree. That I'm right. With yourself. Yeah.

Fantastic. I agree with my own point and I'd like that to be known. Yes. Now, some do's do you try to find a registered animal charity. first because it can be a great way to find a pet and save an animal in need we have covered that yes very important i think don't meet the cellar halfway or in a public location because this could be because they don't want you to know where they live or where the animal has been bred crucial go to the home especially if it's a puppy you want to meet the parents yes they want to look like nice and parents

you need you need to see the puppy with its mum too and everyone looked chilled calm yeah absolutely like when we got charlie it was a breeders and they were they were like they were like kennel club breeders and the mum was with all the little puppies in the place and she was so sweet with them and we watched them for ages like kind of playing and you're like see this is nice this this is a good situation um they probably had an industrial warehouse don't say that yeah the dog wasn't the mother was an animatronic mother yeah she's the show mother they should have a she was plugged into a wall but i didn't say anything so do ensure that all the relevant paperwork is available for what for when you visit if you're buying you're buying you

like an exotic pet, like a reptile or a parrot. I haven't mentioned parrots. I don't understand. Having a bird, I think, is really fun, but then I don't, I get quite upset that they're in cages. Okay, that's what my thoughts. If you think, if you want a bird, though, get a bird.

I think if you've got like a high-ceilinged, big old mansion, get a bird. I think if you aren't an eccentric scientist in a mansion, don't get a bird. You can't have a bird. Okay, fine. This is my rules. Okay, good rules. It needs a lot of places to explore,

and then it sits with you when you're having good ideas. Yes. If the place that you're buying the animal from doesn't offer like registration documents or any sense of where that, for example, tortoises come from, then that is dodgy. That means the difficulty there is that you want to rescue it. You want to be like, I'll take it away from the horrible man who's, you know, smuggled it in. Yeah.

So you have to weigh that up, but you are just funding it if you do it. Is there places to report people like that? Yes. We'll get to that in one second. Okay. because maybe you could rescue the individual plus report the organisation. Yes. This is awful.

Don't buy fish from a seller who offers to send you live fish through the mail. Hell's bells. I absolutely don't do that. Jesus, I once bought a fish from a fare because I felt so sad that they were in those little sandwich bags. And then the fish got white spot and killed all my parents' fish. Mm. Within like three days, all the fish were dead. So I learned my lesson there.

Don't agree to pay upfront online because there's loads of like fraudulent online. pet adverts. Yeah. But the thing as well, is it a thing of like, unless it's your friend who you know and has,

you know, their dog is just given birth to a lot of dogs and they're like, oh my God, please don't get it off Facebook some person you don't know. Like, being like,

no. It just could be anybody. It could be anything. It's bad. I think the closer you got can be, you know, either it's a friend

or a friend of a friend or, you know, the chain of, the chain of who this person is is really solid. I think the dodgier, listen to your instincts, like the dodgier it looks,

the dodger it probably is. Yes, absolutely. Okay, so if you come into contact with any of these bad breeding people that we're talking about, bad old breeders, there's a website called caryadcampaign.co.uk. It's got like a really great page that has all of the different places that you can report depending on what you've found out. So if there's like an immediate welfare threat, you'll probably become sick or your animal becomes sick immediately after purchase or like it was bred badly or there's some kind of

then you call the RSPCA. They've got a cruelty hotline. Your local council, if you have a concern about the breeder in general, and then they can deal with the licensing of the breeders, and if the breeders doesn't have proper licensing, then they can shut them down. Also, the Citizens Advice Bureau is because sales of puppies is covered under consumer law, so you can go to them and get some advice on where your next step is. And you basically want to make sure that your puppy breeder is a member of the Kennel Club,

because if a KC registered, if a breeder looks dodgy and says that they're a member, they're like kennel club registered, that I said it before, but I'm going to go back on it, that doesn't mean that the seller or the breeder is trustworthy because the kennel club registration is just a registry that there are puppies bred rather than like they're being bred well. So don't, if someone's like, well, it's kennel club and you're like, well, that's a good, that's a good, they're good guys. Oh, but it's not. It's absolutely not.

Oh, God. So unlicensed breed is the local council, cruelty of animals, RSPCLA. And there's also loads of really specific numbers and hotlines on carryad campaign.compan.com. That you can go and look at. But like, yeah, that's where you don't just like call an ambulance or something, but do it, do it properly. Yes. Call a priest. Report them to the, you know, because it is illegal.

But to end on a happy note, it's the best thing in the world having an animal. Yes. And there's so many, like, benefits, fitness benefits. If you, like, have a dog, you're, like, walking it. The benefit of responsibility. Also, mental health. Like, having animals, like, after really, you're having a pet to stroke, having some sort of affection back.

Or just looking after something does make you feel like you're a proper adult because you're looking after a thing without having to have a baby, which is probably quite a bit much. Yes, definitely. There was a study about them bringing animals into an old people's retirement home and the overnight impact of not only the animals being there, but that everybody had to get up in the morning because they had to look after something.

Oh, it's so nice. Rather than feeling. You can make your dog your own therapy dog as well. There's all these courses where you can go on. So if you're somebody who has like a mental health problem, and say, let's say like you get panic attacks or you self-harm or you can train your puppy or when it grows up to be a real dog to sit on you or lick you

or show your affection when it can sense those certain emotions happening things like that but you're like this is excellent I don't think you can do that for one 80 and now I want one

of course I mean in your Oxfordshire place you could definitely get one but whether Tom would hit it with a spade like he does with the chickens I don't know when the cockclaws make too much noise in the garden

dad hits them with a spade look look don't report does I want chickens when I'm older, I'm really into it. So I'd like to thank International Fund for Animal Welfare for all the tips. And also, if you're listening and you're like, well, I'm terrified now I'm getting an animal, you can start small, start small, and then, you know, graduate to a dog when you're older.

Yeah, I think be scared. Oh, yeah. And when your overwhelming desire to have an animal outweighs the fear, then you know you're ready. I think that that is very true. It's always good to be a little bit nervous of something that's very, important because it shows that you're taking it seriously. Exactly, because I think if you're going where they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll get a doll, I just like carry it around.

You're like, no. But in the basket. Who, you know, you'll have a nice time. Yeah, I'll get a bird. It'll just be free flying around the house. No. No. Turns out that, no.

Very stressful to have that. Thank you so much to Arthur. Yes, thank you. For writing in and for his amazing work. If you have an animal, please tweet as a picture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At Neverdy Panic Pod or at Steve EMVS is a five. At Jessica.

I'm experimenting. And... You can email us at Nobody Panic Podcast at Gmail. You always see that every week. Look. Coming off the back of the Twitter and I'm just feeling loose with it.

Oh yeah. Email us at... That's why. Yes. Email us at this email address. At... No. Nobody Panic Podcast at gmail.com.

Yes. And... Come and follow us on Twitter. Yeah. Like and subscribe. Tell you some friends. Let's spread the podcast love. And good luck if you're looking to get a pet.

We believe in you, but also be very safely. Bye. Bye.