Nobody Panic - How to Let Someone Down

Episode Date: June 11, 2024

Nobody Panic is going on a brief hiatus and Tessa can't stop crying every time it's discussed, so Stevie and Tessa deep dive into how to let someone down (even if you're not actually letting them down, but you just FEEL like you are). We'll be back soon everyone! In the meantime, why not check out our frankly outrageously extensive back catalogue?Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. And welcome to the last episode of Nobody Panic for a bit. A bit.

Because Tessa is going abroad internationally. Yeah. It's abandoning me and all of you. I'd say that because it's the worst thing. So she's really, really sad and thinks that she's letting everyone down. But you're not. And, oh no. I had made a joke.

And if any of true word was said in just. No. No. Because when we decided to take a break because Tessa looked at the amount of recordings we would have to do in April in order to fill the gap between when you're away. And you were like, we would have to be doing it every day for 12 hours a day for a month. And yes, in a way, it's actually me who's letting everyone down because I was like, I can't do that. Oh, yeah. So there we go. It's both of us. We didn't have the, you know, we didn't have what it takes. We didn't have one days, guys, we let you down. Yeah.

We let you down. Yeah, this one is me apologising to you all. I'll say that I'm away for a bit now and it's going to be a break. Yeah. And speaks to a larger problem I'm having, which is that I'm having to, because I'm going to go away for five months, not be at things and not do work and not get. You'll be doing lots of work. Not. Hang on, you're going on five months holiday?

I'm going, I go, I don't know. I'm just. Yeah. You've been doing shit loads of work. No, but I have to leave my work here, you know? Yes, yes. I have to stop. I just, and it's not just this particularly that this I'm finding very hard, but I am so, I hate letting people down so much.

Yes. And this is a big version of that. It is. But the whole thrust, the pelvic thrust of this episode will be that quite often, I'd say, 80% of the time, when you think you're letting someone down, you're actually not. You're just doing something that you need to do. And if the other person, the worst is when someone says to you, like, you've really let me down. Then I give you full, you know, you can absolutely lose your mind.

Yeah. But if the other person and the people around you are saying like, no, it's honestly, it's okay. You have to excavate why you feel that you are letting them down. You know, like what is it that makes you feel like I was taking a pause and not being able to do some, you'll be able to do so much stuff when you're there. You know, you'd be able to straddle, straddle things. Yeah. The odd thing. The odd bit bit and bob.

I can't go to a wedding that I am, and that, and knowing I have to call the bride. Is it yours? It's not mine. I've been allowed out for mine. Right, great. But I. That's going to be a wild wedding. But I can't, yeah.

Flying in. Manic. It's actually really perfect because that's how you do destination weddings often. You fly in, you've often had like a tiny on the plane and you don't really drink. Yeah. And you're like, you kind of come in with you and you're like, and then you leave to go somewhere. Yeah.

It's not at my own wedding. It's actually perfect. Yeah. There she goes. Oh, God. I also have to miss a wedding that I thought I was going to get to me, get to. But now this timing has moved and I have to be gone earlier. And so I won't be able to get to this wedding.

wedding and I haven't told the bride yet. Uh-huh. I've known for sure for a week. That's fine. It's only been a week, but do it now. I know. Yeah, it's fine. But I hate it.

This is where it comes into, I think I've said it before, but like when I was younger and couldn't go to someone's birthday. And I was like, really like stressing. I was like, I didn't go to her birthday. And someone was like, no one cares as much as you think, maybe. Yeah. Yeah. And then I was like, a bit like, all right. And then it was like, oh no, that is actually very helpful.

You're preparing a wedding now. think of the amount of things in your head. Yeah. That is not one of them. And even if you couldn't come for work, I would be like, oh, but I wouldn't be cross with you for a second. Oh, Steve's let me down. I would never think that. I would just be like, oh, life.

Oh, life. Exactly. So you've got to remember that and switch that round to once people have done that to you. Yeah. And I think it's, yeah, I'm being totally irrational about it. I don't think it's a rational thing. It's a very rational feeling. constantly worrying that you're letting people down.

I think people do it in different ways. I don't do it in the same way that you do, but I definitely... I actually got a handle on it last year and then had to change my flight to go and visit my sister in Australia because of a job. And we had the first argument of our adult life

because she felt I'd let her down. Okay. And to the same way she was like, you've let me down. Yeah. And it was like, oh, my bluff is now being called that I've got a handle on this. Fell apart.

Couldn't deal with it. Okay. felt like I was just being punched repeatedly in the brain for like two weeks. And it turned out that there was a lot more going on with her than there was with me coming like 24 hours later to Australia. We didn't realize how much she was struggling abroad. And so she had been, had this image in her head that even she didn't realize was the one thing keeping her going, which was that like we'd all arrive in the airport. She would come to get us and we'd have this like dinner and we'd have this thing.

And actually what happened is because of my work, it was like dribs and drabs and people were coming at different times. And actually, I'll just get a taxi to your house. And like, for some reason, she was just like, that's ruined. That's ruined the one thing. And she'd come over quite a lot. And it's like, well, I've come over and now you're coming up. But you're not able to come over in like a, in the way that I wanted it and the way that I, and it kind of like opened up a lot of things. And but then I was like, oh, I've like you don't.

So the whole thing was. It's a lot, isn't it? And I think it's not that you weren't there because you were coming. And I think it's like that someone has a vision in their head of what this was going to be. And then they've interpreted not just the not coming, but the flippancy of it. And I think I can think of three or four times someone has actively let me down in my life. And all of the times it has felt that it was because they were like, it was this flipping. Like, oh, yeah, I'm not coming.

Yeah. Oh, I can't make that then. You're like, this is important to me. Be sadder about that. Yeah. Or they'd be like, oh, what do you want? Like, oh, I didn't realize. Like, do I have to come?

Like, well, not now. No. But like they just, like, it was that they didn't care or that they said they would. And then on the day was like, actually, I'm just going to stay in the pub or something. That you'd be like, what? So it's a, I guess it's not the, that they weren't there. It was the feeling. But if they've been like, I'm so, so sorry, been core work or have to do this or this thing or whatever.

Is the feeling that like you're not high on their priority list or that you aren't? Definitely. Yes. I think that is very, I do that to people all the time. Like I think I will be like, um, so for example, if this was the other way around and we were doing a break for me, I'd be like, uh, we don't need to talk about it and I'd be like, and we're going to have a little break. And I don't want to explain why. And then you've like,

Steve, I think you should explain why. And I'm like, yes, I'm doing some work for a bit. And it's because I can't emotionally engage in things that I'm sad about at the moment that are happening at for some reason anymore as I've got older. And then later on I'll like engage with it or I'll like, it'll like seep through and I'm like,

oh, I'm really sad. But I, I'm just like, okay, business. If I'm emotional about something, I'm like, end now business time. Like my brain goes into business mode.

Whereas you're the complete opposite and you actually are for. feeling all of the things. So you would hate for listeners and for me to feel that you were flippant because you've been flippant too. You want to show that like, you know, you cared and I think that's a really, I think that's, if you're going to let someone down, I think showing that you, you're really bothered about it, I think is crucial. You're crying now? I'm crying. I was just having a think about whether I would feel let down that you were, and I would be like, I would never feel let down that you were going in the same way that you're not like you're you're not like I'm let down by you're just like go yeah it's so exciting go I feel let down if you didn't tell me what was going on and like I want

to know all the things like yeah yeah yeah that's thing that you're let down by yeah it's not it's it's not it's not yeah it's the feeling that it's the flippancy it's the feeling that you're not a priority it's like oh I didn't bother to tell you about this being like why yeah but yes I want you to be bothered to tell me about this I want you to be bothered by this okay yeah if you'd have today, like, I think we should go, can we just like stop the podcast for a bit? I'd be like, I'd cry a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be like, oh, you don't give a shit about this thing that we do.

So quite clearly a big number, like, almost like our only tip or number one tip, a huge tip is regardless of how you're feeling and how you're engaging, you have to be aware that it means something. and to, what's the word, presume, always presume that it means something and that you should show that this is a big deal

that you are pulling out of this thing that you are not, I'm so sorry that I can't make your thing or like, is it okay if we take, I really would hate to do this, but is it okay? Right, there's the moment you're just like, yeah, can we do this? It's like, right, well, that's awful. Yeah. Or the other person would go,

cool, but you don't know they're going to. No, you don't know where they're at. And even if they are, like I was at junker of people so they weren't coming to the... And also like, I'm like, yeah, fine, don't come. To your wedding, you mean? Right, yeah. Truly, I mean, please do come.

But like... I've just bought a costume on Etsy, so, like, it's 50 quid for a large, a large witch king of Anmar head. So I'm absolutely going. And I'm matching my outfits that I don't have to change too much to then turn into the witch king. So, huge. She wouldn't let me doubt.

Yeah, not. I'm going to look insane. the wedding. Like, it's going to be so hot inside that. It's going to be so hot. I don't even able to drink anything because I've got this huge metal head. Maybe we'll get you some kind of straw or something. A straw and also some corks to pop on the sharp bits in case I heard. I'm doing a lot of this because that's only does in the film. Corks on your points. Corks on your points. And a straw in my eye hole. And that's a wedding. That's Ted's wedding. That's a wording.

It's not about the action of me not being there. It would be about me being casual with it. And so part the only thing that I do have, because I do feel very strongly, that I wish I could be at all the things and always be there for people. So the only thing that I do have control over in this scenario is time. Yes.

And to not make this as like close to the deadline as possible. So I need to tell people now. That's so true. Yes. Oh my God. This is exactly like the thing that you have with the, we talked about ages ago, where you won't say, if you're coming or not coming to a party in case you can't go to it.

Correct. And actually from my end, I've been like, where it just literally feels like you don't give a shit about my party. Right. Yeah. And then you've been like, I'm so sorry.

And then you then, during the record, sent me a message saying, I'll be at your birthday. That'll be at your wedding. Yeah, I'll be at your wedding. Because you had RISB to that either. Because I get so worried.

Yes, absolutely. That you're going to let people down. So really, then I do a polar opposite and just let them down in advance. Like I'm just, you let them down constantly. over months. Yeah.

So they've already been crossed with me for months because I'm not coming and then when you turn up they're like, oh right,

well she just has to show herself and she's here and she fucking out. So it's not even a nice thing even right. All right.

So I fucked it on every, I fucked it. No, no, no, you haven't fucked it. So this is the same as that. So are you aware

that there are, well, apart from that thing you said you have to tell the wedding which is next month isn't it?

You've got some time but there are other things that you're putting off saying because you don't want tell them I'm not going to be in the country for it. I think this is my last one because having to say about the wedding. It feels the biggest one.

So I think I've sort of done them in order. Unfortunately, like some people were, I mean, you were amazing and a plosif were amazing. And everyone was like, we'll just make it work. But some areas to sort of prove the point were not cross with me, but certainly were bringing their energy to the table. Which I then, and I did a lot of talking to you about it. And you had to be like, I don't think that's actually you or even you going.

I think that's them and their own, what they've got. got going on and you really couldn't have, there's no, you couldn't have let them down in a better way. There was nothing really you could do there. They're just dealing with their own stuff. And, you know, so you did the best you could, which was as quickly as possible and as making sure that they feel as seen and as heard and everything and acknowledging that this was, you're letting them down. But then unfortunately, when the worry is someone will behave like that and then they do, you're like, all right. So I was right. Yes. And then it's frightening to tell anybody. Not frightening, but sad to tell anyone because you're just expecting everybody to react.

Or even do you have the thing where, I don't have this with like, you know, I do, when people say are really nice about it? And you're like, but secretly are you actually, are you just masking it really well? And then later you're going to go and talk to people and be like, oh, she's let me down into a terrible way. And I'm like, oh my God. Like, so you can never really believe. You can never believe anything. So one to my agent who is absolutely fantastic, had to pull out of a work thing. So had made myself like physically sick worrying about it.

And then sent it called because I was like, I think I thought, I think I would say on the podcast that you should call. Very good. Do you think that's right? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what it is or what it's about. Just if you were letting someone down, if you should call rather than... Oh, yeah, well, yeah, okay, yeah, depending on the thing.

Yeah. Didn't pick up. Right. I was like, I can't call again. I'll send them a telegram. Telegram it is. A letter, hundred and letter. Send a text message was like, so, so sorry.

I know lots of things were moved so that I could be here for this, but I actually can't and I really, I don't take it lightly, and I'm really sorry. And then she was like, oh my God, don't even think about it. Done. Like that. It was like, but then I was also in my head, like, she's gross. And she'll be at lunch saying, you know, Tessa can't do this thing.

And I've said it's fine, but it's actually not fine. Even though I think it probably is fine. I'm just bringing so much to the party. You are bringing so much to the party. But everybody brings so much to the party. We're all just walking around, bringing things to various parties and then apologising for them and feeling bad. That's what life and talking to people is.

Yeah. Just bringing your own shit and being like, sorry about this shit. Yeah. Sorry about this shit. I've shat through. And at least it's better if you're let you down. I'll let you down. But at least I guess it's better if you're a bit aware of how much shit you're bringing.

They're like, what is and it's not rational here? What is stuff that you're bringing? What are they bringing? Like, what can be done? What can be done? And I think it's much on the how to let people down, being as honest as possible about it, doing it as early as possible.

And also not being worried like that you might get upset or you might kind of be emotional about it. I think it's really good because I think that, you can't ever upset someone by being emotionally invested in the fact that you think that they're letting them down, but you can upset them by being too cold about it. So that's, so you shouldn't feel, I don't know, you shouldn't feel like it's irrational to feel sad,

especially because you've had other instances where people have reacted poorly. Yes. Or in a difficult way. Not poorly. Yes. I think any story that I've ever heard from my, from my own life, no,

so my personal ones are all the flippancy of being like, later the party and whatever. And then anyone that I've ever heard from somebody else, they're never like, oh, and one of the bridesmaids, I couldn't make it to the wedding. It's always the night before the wedding.

There was an email. Yes, this is that, yes, it's always the way. It was the bride. Subject line, bride emoji, sad face emoji. You know,

it's not that they weren't there because life gets in the way of things and people can't do stuff. It was the, it's always phrased about like the timing, the way it was done. And ironically, the bride's maid probably did that really late because they were so scared of lighting them down. Exactly.

It went to the last minute and then it's even worse. The bridesmaids were probably making themselves physically sick and then was trying and then had tried their best to be like, this is this is this flippant way we're going to do this or whatever. Like, you know, not flippant on purpose, trying to be like, okay, I'll go for business. I'll just do business angle. Dear Sir or Madam, oh my God. Yes, Sarah or Madam Sadface emoji. Come, come, you know, work or something. And but always, yeah, it wasn't that they weren't there.

It was that it felt cold and that they. and that they were checked out. And so I just, and I've probably overcompensating by crying too much while telling people. No, I think it's absolutely fine. I think it's good. And I also think swapping the situation around, what would happen if in this exact same situation,

someone did this to you? And really engaging with that, because I think it's helpful for you, if you're letting someone down, to really understand, like, are you letting them down in the way that you're bringing your own thing to the party? Or are you letting them down,

like basically trying to figure out what's actually happening rather than what you're bringing. So clear off all you're, your stuff that you've brought. Yep. And now look at actually what you're doing. So, for example, in this case, we are just pausing a podcast we've done

for about 72 years. That's literally fine. Same with the wedding that you're not going to. The reality is she has 250 guests. And like, it just helps with the table plan, probably that you're not there. Or they'll be like an empty, in the worst case,

they can't redo the table. There's an empty chair there. Literally no one notices. No one cares. It's actually really nice because it means that when she's coming around say hello, she can pop down in the chair and say hello. Perfect. It's the bride's chair.

You've given her the gift of the bride's chair. Thank God. Yeah, you're so right. I'm bringing it. I'm bringing all of this. I guess what I want to express to everybody listening is that like I don't take this lightly. Absolutely. I think we all know you don't take a lie.

I'm very clear. I just sometimes I read people's emails and like, oh, you do read the emails? I'm joking. That is very sassy. Very sassy. That's him in a very vulnerable place, Stevie. I thought I'd like lighten the mood.

You'd be like, mean. No, yeah, I know. And the emails we get are so emotionally. They're just really, really lovely. And it's often like big life things that will be specific to something that we've said. But then also, people are like, chill out. All right, but you're not that important. You're not that important to people.

You know, we'll get one that's like, you know, that we've just been there for, like, people that we never going to get to meet. and have, like, been there for things for them. And I just take that likely that we got to, like, do that. Yeah. And then also, they were like, you weren't that helpful. Some of your advice is crackers. And you just Wikipedia did it during the podcast.

And it's wrong. And it's wrong, mate. You've actually been quite detrimental. Yeah. We've only heard people be like, I left my job because of that. And we haven't heard the next thing. And that was a massive mistake. That was a massive mistake.

And then I've pled for my job back. I've had to have been a stupid girl. told me to do this thing. Yes. Oh, dear me. I feel a bit better. I'm going to call the bride. Should I call her alive now?

No, no. I'm going to take that. Absolutely call the bride. You can call the bride. Messaging is okay in that scenario as well. So if you don't feel like you can call, I think, again, if it was me and someone sent me a really lovely message being like,

I'm so sorry, the dates have changed for my job, and I can't come and I'm really sorry. And it was a WhatsApp. I wouldn't be like, she sent it on a WhatsApp. I'd be like, oh, I'll tell you can't come. Yeah. I think that's probably okay. And then I won't like, I won't, I'm going to write it down because I think if we call,

I'll just be like, oh, oh. Yeah. Sort of like, sometimes I'm like, do you want to introduce the podcast? And you're like, yeah, yeah. And you're like, hello! And then you have to stop again because you've got, you've built it up. I built it up too much. Yeah.

100%. I know it is good to call it. I do. Yeah, I build, I build this up too much. Oh, baby. Oh, boy. I'm sorry, I can't go out of that thing. Sorry, who is this?

That would be what the, I don't call. Do you remember when that person was trying to teach me what? a bridge was in a song. It's years and years ago. And they're saying like, take it to the, take it to the bridge. Yes, I do remember this. And I was saying, what is a bridge? And they were trying to explain a bridge. Yes. And then they were like, right, when it comes up now, I'm going to sing and then you get to say something right before the bridge. And then it were like, as it came around on the song. And then they like looked at me like, and gave me a thumbs up to make it's now. And I went, oh, baby, she's a crab. Great advice. If you're going to, oh, baby, she's a crab.

Yeah. You don't have to call. You don't have to call. You don't have to call. Write down your lyrics. Don't freestyle them in the moment. Just like know yourself. Sort of like the last episode we did about morning pages.

It was like morning page yourself so you don't say baby she's a crab. Exactly. Just morning page yourself. Yeah. You don't overcorrect by bringing too much. Like, just write it nicely. Yeah. Don't freak out so much that you wait too long.

just get it, you know yourself. Also, I don't want you to go away being like, because you just said then like, I've done too much, I've been too much, like, no, it's not too much at all. Like, it is the appropriate amount for you feeling bad about laying someone down. But like know yourself and like interrogate why you're, maybe I'm saying like, you know, like you've done. Like, oh, other people have reacted in this way.

I've got a thing about it. Like be aware of how you feel about it and don't judge yourself for, because it's fine. Like as long as the only thing you shouldn't do is be a dick. and you're certainly not. Thanks. Being the anti-dick. Anti-dick.

Antity dick. You are an anti-dick. Oh my God. I'll do you, a positive adult thing for me. Okay. Round us out. Round us out with an adult thing. Okay.

I'm an auntie, everybody. She's a real auntie. My sister, who you've heard about over the years, has just had her first baby, and he's here. That's so great. She was, may I say it? Enormous. Absolutely enormous.

Oh, really? But also quite pointed. So the tummy was quite pointed. And it turns out he was lay completely horizontal like he was in business class. So his feet were just like straight out. That's exceptional. Didn't even know they could do that.

No, exactly. Turns out the doctors were like, wow, wow, wow. That's maybe a stretch. Like this. And they're being like, could you curl up, please? Like a traditional baby? Just like moving her stomach to try and get on. Go on, get over there.

Anyway, he's absolutely. banging. He's really, really cute. What a lovely way to round out. Round out. I can think round out. Round out. And I'm going to... Series. It's simply the end of the series. It's the end of the series. And we start the new series and on. This is just our season finale. And I'm going to take some things we've learned. Moving to a new city. Moving abroad, doing long distance friendship. Starting a new job. Dealing with jealousy. I liked that one. I don't know if I'll be particularly jealous in this. I just meant like these are things I'm going to have to learn. Oh, I thought we were just looking back on the series.

No, you don't have to be done at all. It makes sense. If I think you're at the top and everyone shows a view. Yeah, yeah, I guess. Yeah. I see now. I was just named,

yeah. Long haul flight. Long haul flights. Oh my God. Yeah. We've got a whole back catalogue for me to learn from. So I'll be listening to those to help me learn. Yes.

But there's so many out there. There's 304 of the bloody things. That's one a day for a Jupiter year. Is it? I don't know. I don't know, Stevie. But it sounded right, didn't it? Right.

Yeah. Yes, we've got episodes for everything for being alone. Mars might be 304. Check. This is a good episode fodder for when we come back. Yes. These things are we learn. There are so much back catalogs for you there. And maybe go back and there'll be stuff that wasn't relevant when you first heard it. And you thought, oh, nothing to that. Now you're like, oh, I'm ready to learn. Absolutely. There's good stuff. There's big stuff. There's small stuff. There's nice things. Go back. Have Adele. Listen again. Learn again. re-hear us say things that are objectively wrong again. Again, yeah. Be enraged again. It's been a real honour doing this series with you. It's been an honour doing this series for the end of season one. Season one, which was a long season.

Long season. You can't binge it. Just a season for nine, but we'll be back for season two. And have a lovely summer, autumn, winter, whenever. And bon voyage, Tessa. Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. Thanks for having me.

We'll be back. Baby she's a crab. I just don't need to say something positive. We should end on, baby she's a crab. Go on, give us a big one. Can you, can you leave me to the bridge? Take it to the bridge. Baby she's a craig.

Panicked in the middle. You panicked in the baby, she's a crap. It's so short to say. I already panicked. Please have a good time. We've been nobody to panic. And we'll be that. Bye.

Bye.