Nobody Panic - How To Make Friends

Episode Date: May 1, 2019

It was easy when we were kids but now we're adults, why is friend-making so hard? Stevie and Tessa try to work out how to make adult friends without coming across like a weirdo and Tessa discovers she's actually a lot more socially awkward than she thought she was. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Ever. No, it was awful. I'm Stevie.

With Tessa Coats. Yes. Yes. And you, the listener. And you, the listener. Would you like to be our friend? That's great. That's lucky.

Done. This podcast is about how to make friends. Because it's so easy when you are a little child and you're like, oh, well, you're so next to me in the sand pit. Would you like to place sand, please? Yes. And then they're like, yes. And then you just are best friends.

That's it. Even when you're at uni, I remember one of the biggest differences when I graduated was like, oh, there aren't like new people all the time, or I don't like bump into my friends every two seconds. And people aren't like, I've brought these five housemates from a house party. Like, oh, everyone's spread out and I don't know how to make friends anymore. Well, a fact, an early fact, from the University of Norway. Please. After the age of 25, that's your cutoff when your friends start to declare.

line. Good God, that's surprising. Rapidly, which I guess is the point where you've sort of run out of the compulsory, like, and now it's the start of term, and now everyone has to make friends. Yes. And now it's this. Like, kindergarten, the whole thing is just making some friends. I mean,

your life is just friend-making. That's it. Of course, if you're listening, and you're like, I didn't make any friends as a child. We're here for you. At school, I made no friends either, so we can deep dive into that together. But you will, when you look back over your life, there will be certain stages where you're like,

well, I was thrown together with a load of people. Yes. And then as you get older, yeah, you're just not thrown together anymore. It's lovely to make a friend. Yeah. And this is the podcast for you because I think everybody wouldn't mind one. Oh, absolutely. I remember when I was like 27 or 26, 27, I was like,

I think I've made all the friends that I don't want anymore. But then, you know, you change and grow. And you're like, actually, maybe those friends, you know, have kind of drifted away somewhat, perhaps. Yes. And you need to refresh. Yes. Have a refresh.

Yes. Dump all your friends. I'm not saying that. Yeah, but also do if you fancy. If your friends are shit. Get your friend. You're sort of, you are the person that the closest five people to you, and so if you look at your closest five friends or people, you're like, oh, you're all awful. And you're like, it's a reflection on who you are.

So get better people. One of them's a tortoise. Yes. I think that reflects quite well. Okay, great. I was Googling, learn how to make friends. and I accidentally googled how to make fried potatoes.

So throughout, I'll just be throwing in some kitchen tips about how to fry those potatoes in the best way. We're all excited. I think it's good to get a bit of variety. Absolutely. What this podcast needs is more variety. And more potatoes. More potato-based cooking tips.

If you're thinking that you don't have any, like the friend issue is an area of concern for you, then know that you are not alone and that several people wrote in about had the guts to write in to admit that they didn't have any friends and write in to... Losers. No. No, Stevie.

I'm joking. As in like, they took it, had enough wherewithal, not should be like, oh, I actually don't have enough friends to be like, and I'm actually going to take a step and write in about this topic. So more than one person did that. And I think everyone thinks, oh, everyone's got loads of friends. I said, me, I'm the only person with no friends. But I think everybody in the whole world thinks it.

Yes, absolutely. And I, yeah, definitely as well, I know it's, we say probably about everything, but social media does not help. Instagram. And it's just, my Instagram is just full of like 20 people who've all gone on a walk together. I'm like, I don't know how they've organised that. Yeah. I don't think I know 20 people that all know each other that well. And they're all like laughing and on bikes. That's a very specific one I'm thinking of and I think it was like a hand-do, so I don't think it counts. But like, I didn't know anyone there. So I didn't want to go anyway. But the idea, like on Sunday, on Sundays, I always

stay in and then I look at Instagram and everyone's everyone's doing a pub quiz everyone's just nipped to their local everyone's in the park and I'm like oh I don't have a group of like gal pals I've got lots of different friends I've got but then those people have put it on social media because they're like

oh wow look we're all together this never happens so it's all like you know it's it's not real no one has friends their friends are all lia Instagram is a huge is a huge, like, it's like when you were at school

and you just thought everyone was at a party without you, but now it's like, and then the next day they bring in a photo album and they make you, although they didn't even make you, they just put it in your desk, you don't have to open the photo album. You obviously open it. And then in the photo album, it's just loads of photos of a party that you weren't at and a series of videos and like some jokes that you don't get,

but you still like really get deep into the jokes. Yes, yes. God, I know so many in jokes of, like, groups of friends that I've never met. You're like, oh, she calls her Norman. I don't know why, but it's fun. And even people that you don't even like very much, I recently saw a group one is, you know,

that I literally have never spoken to all thought about for years. And I literally was like, why wasn't I invited on that? I'm not. Also, there's things as well that I find where there'll be like, someone I know will make an Instagram story hanging out with someone else I know,

but I didn't know that they knew each other. I'm like, well, hang on, they're both my friends. Like, I didn't know that they knew each other. If they don't know, do they know that I know both of them? I could have been a fun edition. Yeah. Just to that hang out. I feel like everybody is going around to everybody else for dinner except for me.

That is like a genuine thing that keeps me up now. And I think we're going to focus on deeply this topic is you being like, on some days I don't leave the house. And you being like everyone else is at dinner. That maybe you might be, if I may, part of the problem. Oh, I absolutely am. You're not the first to say that. I do. I isolate myself massively that I get sad because no one's hanging out with me.

Exactly. So like no one's invited you, but you also haven't invited anyone. Absolutely not. So you haven't had a dinner partner. Oh, but I don't have a table enough, Steve. You can easily make burritos if not, all fried potatoes.

Fried potatoes. Which leads me to, no. I fully agree, in the last sort of year, I've made a conscious effort to, I actually don't have dinner parties where I don't like hosting dinner parties and that took a lot of university dinner parties

crying with anxiety because I just was like that, but now I've really started to like genuinely be like, Would you guys hang out? Let's go for it or whatever. And I think that is, and I like doing that and it's so much nicer. What was your dinner party anxiety about? Oh, I don't like cooking even for myself. Right, okay.

So, also, like, I feel like if I want to have a social evening, I don't want to do all the admin. Like, I want to come and help a bit. Like, everyone can help a bit. If everyone brings a pot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, I've got some friends that genuinely love hosting. Like, my friend Tom, every time we meet you, like, come around for dinner,

and I'm like, you always have me for dinner, that's not fair. And then I'm like, I will cook you dinner because you've cooked, cooked me so many dinners. And he's like, no, I actually just really like it. So you're like, well, if you like it and that's like a genuinely nice night for you, then absolutely, I'll bring a bottle, I'll make a little thing and bring it along to add to it. Or like, you know, I'll come and help you cook. But I'm not good at cooking and I'm not good at cooking for big numbers. What's this? What's the little thing that you've brought to?

Hummus. I knew it was going to be. There's a Tesco around a corner from the house and I get hummus. Yeah, it's. Stevie gestured to her hands like a little tall, like a tureen, or a sort of a haddock paste or something for a deer. Babba ganouche. Perhaps a babar ganoosh.

I was like, a hundred percent I'll be a Tesco. And occasionally some crisps for it. Possibly. If you're feeling racy. Absolutely. Before we get so into, well, why I don't have dinner parties, but also friendship, what's the adult thing that you've done that this week? So we just get another way and get into our friend.

Oh, mine is. And I've received many messages saying it had to be, is me doing the splits. Yes. At Christmas, everybody chose a challenge to perform whatever. In the world? Or was that your friendship group? No, my many, many friends, Stevie. My neighbours.

My neighbours at home, who we've known since I was six. Great. And we have Christmas and Easter with them. and at Christmas we said everybody pick a challenge. By Easter. And at Easter you have to perform it, which was, I think, off the back of our podcast that was about setting goals.

That'd be time specific. They had to be achievable. They had to be a thing. People had to know about them. So it wasn't enough. Just some people were like, I'm going to do a backflip and you're like, that is dumb.

Yeah, you won't. No. They had to be like, and someone was like, I'm going to write a novel. And you're like, how about you just bring us the blurb? Yeah, from the novel. Just say what it might be about. And then I wanted to do.

the box splits, the side splits which they still have not truly achieved. You can do that, oh yeah. I can't. You will be able to at something. I'm still getting there, but Easter, but I have managed to do, that is further than I've ever been able to do. It's excellent.

Thank you so much. Yeah, I got. And also, if you'd like to come and find me on Instagram at Wheat Pray Love, I think I'll put up, it don't come if you don't want to, but if you would like to learn, I might do some Instagram stories about what things I found helpful. Great. I'd say do an Instagram post

because that story will vanish. Thank you. And it should stay. Okay. Okay, I'll do a post. Because you could do like, you could do like a number of pictures and one is like your first go.

And then the second one is the final splits. And then you could have like all of those captions about it. People are like, things I've learned. And then people will be really engaged. Okay, thank you. Thank you for that. And it'll stay for everybody. Yes, absolutely.

What's yours? My other thing is I don't spend a lot of money on clothes. I'd say when I go to Zara, like, whoa, hello. I had a real prime mark problem for my entire 20s. And then I was like... We all did. Yeah. And I was like, I think...

I quite like Zara. But yeah, I'm very much like charity shops, Zara and... What other place? Monkey. But I haven't really been buying lots of clothes. It's got hot. I don't know if anyone notices. It's got summer. Summer's happening. I don't like summer. No, now, I love summer.

Don't like the clothes still. This is a real journey. Struggling with the clothes. Was out the other night? A friend was like, my friend runs this really cool, but quite pricey, but you gotta pay for quality, really great summer clothes. Went on the website, I'm not gonna say what it is, because I'm just about to sort of trash it,

went on, bought a, sort of like a hospital cow. But it is nice, it is really nice, it's like a patterned, busy, it's like floaty patterned dress. Lovely. You just pop on. I'm gonna look like a fashion person, but also I don't have to worry about like one work.

I'm not gonna say how much it was, but it wasn't not 80 pounds. Right. I nearly had a breakdown when I bought it. I think that's the most I spent on clothes in my life, apart from maybe a coat now and then. It arrived, I opened it, I put it on, and it was like, this is amazing,

and then a button fell off. Right. And so what I'm trying to say is, I don't know what I'm trying to say. Okay. I tried to be an adult, and sometimes it blows up in your face, but you have to learn from it,

which is that I've learned that. Spending a lot of money on clothes doesn't automatically mean quality. I learned that with beauty products when I was a beauty gym. I was like, well, and then I just got like rashes everywhere all of my face. I was like, oh, go back to the foundation that you like. It's not always

money. The best concealer is a collection 2001. It's $3.99. You're welcome. But with clothes, I've been like, yeah, but expensive clothes. But they are made by the same sort of people that make everything else. So, I haven't managed to post it, because that will be my next adult thing. I went to the post office. Because

whenever I go to the post office, I'm like, oh, I'm smashing it. It's quite a simple thing to do. Next week, I'm already excited to tell you my adult thing because it's about the postal service. Great, okay. I'm absolutely chomping up the bit.

I don't think we've ever done a preview. I know, never done a preview. Never done a preview. Honestly, on the way here, I was like, God, our boy, old boy. And it's literally, I can't even tell you until next time. I'm so excited.

Well, you've got to listen to next week's episode. Stay tuned for our postal service chat. It's really exciting. Just kicked a shelf. Right. Okay. Friendship. Friendship.

More from the University of Norway. Oh, really? Palunkia. That's hello in Norwegian. Is it? No. Could be though. Could be.

Could be. Anyone listening who's Norwegian... Hello to all our Norwegian fans. And sorry. And can you tweet us with what hello is? I could Google it, but be a nicer if you tweets us. At Nobody Panic Pod. They found that loneliness to be a crippling problem.

Yeah. among the over 25s, particularly among everybody, and that many young people describe their lack of friends as an area of real concern. I'm sad. Isn't it sad? Very few sort of numbers, very few hard statistics in that as a finding. Which is like, loneliness is bad and quite a lot of people

feel that it's also sad. Thanks, Norway. Or should I say, tack, because that's Swedish, it's Swedish. Well, or Danish. Or Danish. that whole area, the Netherlands. Thank you for joining us. Tessa does some research.

My point was, well, I was less excited about how many of it was. No, I know. And more that, like, my point was like, oh, everyone can feel a bit less alone in their like, oh my goodness, how embarrassing to admit you don't have any friends. Oh, God, it's so embarrassing. I completely understand, yes. My point is like, oh, everybody cites their lack of, you know.

Yeah. We're very sociable creatures. Even if you're shy and you're like, well, I'm not because I can't talk to anybody. you might feel a bit bad about that because you innately need social connection. You need to feel like you're part of a community. You need to feel like

other people have got your back. Like in the old in the olden times you would have like a big family and the whole village would all club together to like raise the children and take equal share in running of the village. And now we're like, you know, I don't leave

the house on a Sunday. So what's happened to my village basically? We all need to kind of feel like we have people who will go, I wonder what Stevie's up to. You know, I wonder she's okay. I haven't seen her for seven years. And then it turns out, you know, I've died.

Say. Say. Say. Yes, everybody fears, um, oh, what is the documentary called? Vibrant young woman. Sociable? Uh, sociable?

Great. No. No, not really. Young woman. Uh, has a heart attack. Oh. They didn't find it for three years. That's absolutely harrowing.

Yeah. television was still on. That's okay. So in the documentary it's about like how she was not estranged from her family but like they didn't see her very often they didn't know the country right. A lot of people who were like oh I would have considered her my friend because they didn't see her very regularly. You're like I guess she just doesn't want to be my friend anymore. Yeah but they just sort of like oh she's probably fine because she was always like because she was a person who like went travelling and then was like I'm off I'm back an independent woman. A independent person who just like had these different separate groups and nobody ever thought to check. See so there was actually a

Darkside to the Destiny's Child Song, Independent Woman, Part 2. You can be too independent. You can be to independent because you might die and be there for three years and then we'll know. Oh my ladies. Yeah, where are all my ladies? Where are all my ladies?

Please. If you've not had heart attacks, we'll throw your hands up. If you can still put your hands up, put your hand up if you haven't had that answer to that. So I think, the message number one. Jesus Christ. Even though it's obviously going to know about how you personally can make more friends. Yeah.

With the friends that you already have. Do check in. Check in on everybody and, you know, be the, rather than being like, how will people invite me to the park? Be like, I should invite someone else to the park. Right. You know, try and be the friend you wish you had, you know. Check in on everyone.

Now, I will counter that with a lot of pan-fried potatoes take way longer than they should. Because your first has to boil the potatoes, then shop and fry them. But actually, if you just thinly slice them, you can just choose the best oils and go straight in for frying. Right now. for friendship Okay, so

I read quite a lot I've read one article that I thought was really good No, I read a few things And I think because we feel like it's quite, not we, but one feels like it's quite lame To be like, oh, I don't have to be friends, what do I do? You sort of want the friends to come to you You don't have to go and find them

Because you're like, oh God, no I'm a lame person I'm trying to find friends If you have to like remove that out of your brain and treat it as suppose like if you were single and you're like oh I'd quite like

to have a boyfriend you can't then go oh I'll just sit in my house all day and just hope a boyfriend turns up you have to like go out and do stuff or a job or anything or a job have a job first have a job

so let's say you you're kind of like okay I do want to meet more people maybe you're in a new city maybe you've just let it slip or maybe you've looked around you work colleagues and gone right well is this my gang now

because they're rubbish Your dog shit. Your dog shit. You don't have to actually make... Keep you a thing in your mind, though. Yeah. Her name was Joyce Carol Vincent. I just wanted to tell you her name.

Joyce Carol Vincent, look her up, watch that documentary. She died, rest in peace. Yes, it's called Dreams of a Life. God, that's so sad. Right. But luckily, so... Joyce could have... No, let's not make the podcast about what.

No, I wanted to tell you her name. I was going to tell you her name. But I was going to, no. So, have a thing about the sort of people that you would like to meet. So if you are somebody who... I don't know, like, if you're somebody that's quite, introverted and shy, like, would you like to meet someone similar to you?

That then you don't feel like, you're not frightened of. If you just want to laugh, if you want to meet somebody that has the same interest as you, that you can like, say if you love films, like, do you want to meet someone that you can, like, go and see films with, whatever, like. So think about the sort of things that you would ideally like and be quite broad. You have to write it down. If you want to, you can write it down. And then you think about the sort of places that you would meet that person.

So, again, not in your living room, obviously. But say if you, an example, if you, if you, you want to meet creative people who you want to make stuff with funny people or whatever, then you could do like improvised comedy at a little class, or you could do like a writer's workshop, or you could do like, you know, if you want to meet like bookish people, then I mean genuinely look at things like book clubs and talks from authors or, you know, like, Waterstones do like readings.

And then that also can dictate as well, not just, because you know, obviously basically that's like a very long-winded way of going like, well, you join a club, but that's a horrible way of saying it, but like there are other ways that you can connect with people. You can get people online in like forums, and follow certain people on like Twitter. Think of the things that you love to do, and there are loads of ways that you can reach people

that love to do that as well. And immediately it won't be like, oh, I just go there and everyone's my friend. But you'll enjoy doing the thing, then the chances are you are more open to then hanging out with people. Yes, you have to put this out a little bit into the universe in this, like, it is not going to happen.

Nothing you want, friendship, anything, or replace with anything you want in the world. Nothing's going to happen from your living room. You do have to go out there and find it. And even if, like, that first place that you went, it wasn't it, maybe you meet somebody there who says, why don't you try this thing? And then from there, and it's a stepping stone.

And, like, you know, the first thing isn't going to be the best one. It's going to be 10 down the road. But in order to get to 10, you have to do another one. Yes. And it's frightening as well, because it's the same as dating or it's the same as anything. Like, you know, you might feel like, what if they don't want to, hang out? I'm weird. Like, what if they...

Everyone will have a social situation that they feel like, oh, I don't know if I should be here. Or... And you just have... to push through that because nothing's going to get better. You're not going to make friends if you're so terrified of rejection that you don't make the first move, like that you don't

put yourself in situations where you can meet people. People are so open to meeting people because everyone's very lonely. Yes. And so social media is going to just feel like we're socialising when we're not. It tricks you into socialising like I'm saying about my Sunday day's in. I can be chatting to people on WhatsApp or and I often do. But I'm not face to

face with those people. And then when I look at the amount of times I'm actually face to face with my friends, it's actually a surprisingly low amount and I think it's a good, it's a good starting point, social media is a good starting point but that's not enough so if you're like interacting a lot on social media and you're like, I don't know why I'm lonely, you're lonely because you're lonely because you are alone

doing that. There's a screen there, you're basically interacting with your phone. Always season with rotemory salt and pepper. Then you can add some fun stuff but start with that. I've got something to say about clubs. Yes, I like people very much. Okay. And I've been very lucky to have many nice friends. And I'm fairly personable, like people, and I'd write myself a good value.

Sound great. I've done. I danced in the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games. Oh yes. We rehearsed for six months every weekend. I did not speak to a soul. Right. That does go against what you just said.

No, exactly. So my point is, how hard it. is to, someone must describe me as a grower, not a shower, which is a penis thing. But I thought was about plants. I thought it was about plants that were a bit late. But also it is me all over.

Like, I'm not good right at the top. I'm not an immediately impressive. I'm not a shower. Yeah. I'm like, after a while, people... I feel like you have to feel comfortable within the group in order to show. In order to show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone who I would, you know, confident. I do need, you know, to be... coaxed out with Michelle. Yeah, it's fine. And I didn't, I remember just not speaking to anybody. Literally I remember I was being like in the stadium and then somebody being like, Who are you? Who you? Who's that? Like on dance day. No, like literally three days before I remember like finally cracking out my jokes. And I remember everyone being like, which group were you in before? And I was like, I've always been.

Yours. Always been right. I've actually been dancing next to you. Eventually I just had to admit, I just had to like double down, pretend that I'd been in a different group and a recently move. Nobody knew me. God, so... It took me so long. So what I'm saying is I absolutely feel your pain

if you want somebody who is not good at being fun at the top. And then the club's thing is that I did do improv and I also went to a circus school and I was so bad when other better good admin people were like, hey, it takes such a lot of balls to be the first person to be like, hey guys, should we go to the pub after this?

Oh, God, I'd never be that person. But sometimes I want, even what I want to, I'm like, I hope someone else says it. Yeah, exactly. Because I want to. What if nobody says, so it's so strong to be okay if no one says yes, and also just to confidently say it. Anyway, everyone always did it. And you didn't go.

And I know. Right. So again, what I'm saying is, I think maybe this is the case that all of the stories you're telling me do dictate. These are stories of a very shy. Or a shy person doesn't feel like they can talk to people before. Not shy, but like maybe, there's lots of, because you're not just shy or you're confident. There's a whole spectrum of things.

So there could be, there's obviously a very specific reason because they're two very similar things. You've chosen to do an activity that's quite fun and cool you've always wanted to do. And then you have both times not spoken to anybody and not interacted or tried to be friends with anybody. Yes. So that will be like a whole, I can't tell you why that happened,

but there will be a reason why that happened that you will have a, you'll have a thought in your brain, subconsciously or consciously that is like, oh, I can't really because, or I got a... myself into this. Yeah, I think it was like, oh, everybody's already friends. Yes, that's, and that's, I think, the most common one. Like, the thing is, is that people may already know each other, but actually, all that, all it is, is they've just spoken to each other. So all you have to do is just speak to them and just make the, like, force yourself to do that first thing of like, oh, hey,

what, like, you know, how did you hear about this or, like, I want to do the, do the splits? What's your thing? Yeah. And then you don't have to do it again because you've done that first one but if you don't then you get to this point where it's like yeah there's like four lessons in and you're like nobody knows my name yeah and it's too late now it's too like can i come for a drink like oh she it's that you can that's not you can get over that initial hurdle it's not the end of the world yeah because it is always weird when you're at like a oh god they're like not we're like fence and things like that and you have to be like ah ha ha oh and what do you do and then you realize that it is like fresh as week everyone feels the same everyone in life

feels like when you're in a situation and someone goes like, oh hey so did you go to the show just then or oh cool so are you here for the nobody goes like what are you doing? Everyone's just like oh this person is being chatting and friendly and that you know you will get a variety of responses and the trick is to not if you get one person that goes like yeah

and then just leaves you you don't go like oh my god it's me I'm weird they're weird whenever I'm in a situation someone comes up to me and tries to make conversation or is friendly I never think they're weird I'm always like oh thank God now I'm one of the people that's made friends and I didn't even have to do anything.

So you're like helping that other person. If you're going to a club or a thing, what do you think everyone else is going there for? They're going there to obviously do the thing but they're also doing it because it's a sociable situation. Otherwise they're learning at home on YouTube alone. Yeah, exactly. We are so frightened of people not liking us

and not liking us approaching their space that we just don't do it and we actually, everyone appreciates it. Everyone's got their own shit going on and if someone's been weird because you've interacted with them it's probably their stuff if something, it's not because you've interacted

to them. And also like, if you feel embarrassed or you feel nervous making conversation or making small talk, that's a big part of how, if you're in with making friends, we have an episode that is,

I think it's called How to Talk to People and that has loads of tips that I thought were quite helpful about how to do that first bit when you're, to say, you know, you're at a, thing and there are people there and you don't know them, what do you say?

Like, what's the first... How do you get through that, like, annoying, awkward, small topic? Until you're like, what do you hope and dreams? Or, like, you know, whatever. I am... In terms of, like, making friends and stuff, I've got a friend who's very, very sociable, very good with people,

and I would just emulate him. And I noticed that he would do a thing when he met a new person, he would, you know, they'd be like a small, like, how do you know so-and-so, or, like, whatever. And then it'd get very quickly to, like, he'd say something quite funny

and personal about his life, like something silly that he did, something, a story, like I just got a text from something, you'll never guess. And then immediately that person is like, you've confided in them. And it's just a silly anecdote that he might have told loads of people, but it doesn't matter because that person feels like,

oh, I've just jumped the annoying awkward small talk layer. And now I'm talking about something that I understand, which is that like, what, your friend is cheating on this friend? No! Or you're messaging a guy that you want to date? He's like, not text you back. What do you? do? I can offer advice for that. Like it's a fun kind of immediate thing. A terrible memory is

surfacing. Oh no, Tess is having a meltdown. Okay, come on, let's go, let's go, let's go. Okay, I'm out of do. Yeah. I'm talking to a boy, and I was actually trying to make him feel included. Yes. Oh, no. I'm so sad about what this is going to be. I told him, I said, oh my God, can I tell you an amazing sex story? I just heard from somebody else at this party, and told him a sex story about him. No, so he was the subject of the thing. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. Yes. Right. Okay. Don't let that deter you from doing that because I've never heard of that. Just be, oh my God, that's awful. Did he go, yeah, that was me. No, no. My friend Louise across the room started like really signaling that I should definitely abort this story. Did you? No. I think I convinced myself that it was ambiguous enough that it wasn't definitely him. Right. Okay. Yeah.

And he, I think it was. Like he may know that it was. Right, okay. Yeah. So don't do that. Go for something that definitely is not the person. It's definitely not about there. It's definitely about somebody that you know, have seen with your eyes.

And it's not the person you're talking. And it's definitely not about them. Yes. But I think the crucial thing is that like if you're not making friends, that you have to look at why. Because if you really look inside yourself, you know why. Either it is, you are isolated, you're living at home with your parents and you're not getting out enough.

You're in a town or village where it's very difficult for you to like socialise normally. So in which case you have to start thinking, right, do I then, do you move? It feels like a big ask to be like, move house if you don't have enough friends. But it's not really because friends are so important and feeling lonely. It causes health problems. I mean, it just makes you sad. So if you are feeling isolated, you have to move yourself into a position where you're not isolated. And also look at the friends that you do have because they're might.

might be, I've always found that I'd be like, I don't have any friends. And then I'm like, oh, well, there's that person I haven't actually seen in ages, but I really got on with her. There may be people from your sort of relatively recent past that you can then go like, oh God, I totally forgot that I went to that thing and went to that party and there was that girl that was really fun and we swapped numbers.

And then I never got in touch with it because I just forgot because I was drunk or something. Friends of Friends are really good. So if you have just like a couple of friends, you're like, I want to expand my friendship circle. Encourage the friend to have a party. Have a party yourself and be like, bring loads of people like it'd be like an amazing thing to do um i once went to uh one of these um is

somebody hosted a thing where all she invited 10 friends and all the friends had to bring somebody that no one else had ever met that's fun and organized very organized but lovely do yes lovely very nice because everyone then everyone knows where they're there everyone knows what they're there it's not like a friend date it's like oh this would be a fun thing to like those supper clubs and then like and now everyone stand up and move around and sit next to someone else and i've only been to one and i nearly like killed the person who said it. It was like, I have come with my friend. I am not moving,

but actually it turned out it was a lovely night. Why then you want to move? When you're not there for that, it's quite, oh shit, I wasn't prepared. I'd come with somebody and we were having a catch-up and they're my safety because I'm not like, I'm not very good at that sort of stuff and I have to really like push myself

and I wasn't really ready and then it was like, and go. But what I'm saying is it was really good. It feels frightening when it happens when someone goes and go change you're like no I don't know who you are what if you're shit whether I'm shit well what if we don't get on what if I are and then you just realise that

then it's like everyone's trying and everyone's like oh what do you do and you're like great I can just I can do this this is fine this is easy because actually it's so much easier to talk to people than we think it is in our brains we think we're so weird and odd and we're going to say weird things there's very few like ways you can absolutely completely derail an entire conversation so badly

that it will never go right and if you do, that's just one time and move on to the next one. I know, so I think even if you are weird, like I would talk to anybody who was passionate about anything. Yes. Even one of those people

who like to dress up as an animal and have those orgies in public. Well, I mean, I'd absolutely love to talk about it. I've got a lot of questions. Yeah. And like, just ask questions. That's the thing. And that's the thing that we talked about

and there how to talk to people. Like, it's all about asking questions and being interested in the other person. And if you align yourself in a position, where you're able to be around people, and then you ask questions, you're interested in all of those people, then you get to find out which of those people

you get on with best. And then you also get to learn about people, and you also don't feel like, oh, I'm just not saying, I haven't said anything witty, I haven't done anything yet, you don't have to. No.

You just have to be interesting. I suppose you're not to ask specific questions, because if you just say to somebody like... Sorry, you can hear my tortoise walking around in the background, but... She doesn't have an absolute whale at a time. Yeah. You know, if you just say to someone like,

so how's work, they're like, their reaction will be like, okay, well, big breath will, like, tell you some stuff about work. But if you can be nice and specific, and be like, oh, how is that boss that you were saying was a nightmare? How did that project go?

Or, like, do you like, do you like, if you don't know them, you like, what do you do? And then like, my second question is always like, and do you love that? Like, or is there something else that you want to do? And then you get into interesting avenues. Yeah, but it's basically the ones that are like, what kind of music are you into?

You're like, you don't care the answer, And then also then you feel like you've asked a really boring question. Basically, like, try and steer away from, like, questions the hairdresser might ask you, because there was a reason people don't like talking at the hairdressers, because the questions are, you're going away somewhere, and you're like, I don't want to talk about it. Yeah, why? It's boring.

So much of my, so I just make stuff up. I do. I agree. It's like going to Greece, actually. You can be quite mackey. But if, like, so say at work, you've got a gang of, cool people that you want to get in on. Yeah. You can be relatively

Machiavellian in your like, okay, here I go to like infiltrate the group. So like, you know, get yourself I was going to be like, sidle up. Don't sidle up. Crab walk. Crab walk over. Get your pencils out. You can be like, okay, I would like to make friends with this group.

And obviously they are not, if there are new people at work, be nice and go and invite them to the pub for God sake. If the people have not done that to you, you know, get chatting in the kitchen, then be like, oh, maybe you want to go for a drink after what, be open and be like, make it the task to learn something about that person

that you otherwise would never have known? Yeah, like try and look like, yeah, it's sort of like interview techniques are when you're a journalist. When I was first starting out, all my questions would be like, what I thought a journalist would ask, so then all the answers would be boring and generic.

And then when you ask the questions that actually Stevie wants to know, like, so, you know, if it's like, I don't know, a medical person's like, yeah, like, you wanna know the gross stuff, you wanna know the stuff that's like, and have you ever made a mistake? Like, you ever, like, how do you deal when, like, you have to tell someone bad news? Like, how bad of that? Like, those are actually the good questions. And those questions that make you go, like, well, we'll not ask that, but I don't know if I should always ask them. I'm a detective recently. I mean, that's excellent. I know. So obviously, I was just like, what's your best crime? Yeah. Are you married to the job?

Do you use, like, string on a notice board with loads of pictures? Yeah. What's your best cold case that ruined you? Like, what? I was literally, biting my tongue, being like, how many bodies he were seen? How many bodies? I was like, obviously this poor man gets this shit all the time. He does not want to talk about it. And I think I went in backwards

by asking, do you find it a nightmare watching detectives on the telly? That is interesting, yeah. And he was like, oh! And like, bang the table, was like, yes. And so then once he was off, I was like, and then... And the body? And the body counts similar to the TV,

and do you see it? with your eyes. Could you tell me an unsolved? What's the best twist you've ever? What's the best twist you've ever had? I was beside myself. I love that. That's one of the two things.

Will just very quickly, because we are sort of coming to the end, you have to basically, in a large skillet of a medium high heat, you heat the oil first. It's a surprise every time. You slice them thinly. You cook undisturbed until they're golden and crust. underneath, that's four to five minutes. You flip the potatoes over, cook them into the garden

and the other side, four to five minutes more, then add your seasoning, then serve warm. Thank you. And now I'm done with the potatoes. Well, it was absolutely fantastic, I loved it. Absolutely. So I think the take home is, you need to put yourself in situations where you can make friends. You need to have a listen to the How to Talk to Episode,

because it's got loads of good, like, you're getting through that small talk thing. And also, don't feel weird for feeling low. because it's very, very normal. But you just have to realize that it is something that you can sort out and you should sort out if you can. Because I think it's very important that we feel like we have people around us that are the supporters and are nice and build us up and all of that stuff.

And if you don't have that, then you deserve that. So you should do all you can to get that. Because I think people like, go to such lengths to get like a partner, like a boyfriend or a girlfriend, but then they don't go to as much length to get friends. And in many ways your friends will be... They'll be around... Well, way out last year. When Jonathan's gone.

Yeah. Just keeping the sort of theme that Jonathan appears. If you were so sorry. Yeah, we've really laid into you. But it's like, I feel like so many people are called Jonathan, though it's fine. And yeah, also, hopefully I just hope that the fried potatoes thing helped. Because if anything, like, they're delicious and a really nice treat. But if you have any other tips or have any thoughts about future podcasts, podcast episodes, not like full podcasts.

Then please email us. Nobody Panic Podcast at gmail.com. Or if you want to send us a podcast that you like. Yeah, actually a good one. Yeah, oh my God, I've been listening to Getting Curious, Jonathan Van Ness one. I asked him if you wanted to come on the podcast. I probably got a lot on. I love it so much.

It's just great. I listen to it all the time. He's just so great. Also, I love how, like, yeah, you like talks over everybody. He's not like the best interviewer. He's like you interviewing somebody, not you, Tessa, but like one. He's all of us. He's all of us getting over-excited about things.

He's coming to London in October. Yeah, he's doing a show, isn't he? Yeah. Oh, my God, it's going to be so great. Okay, great. tweet me at steviem the sysf 5 I'm at tessicoat if you like the podcast do tell some people about it

that would be really nice use that as the way to make friends use that as a way to make friends but yeah hopefully that helped and we're your friends and bye