Nobody Panic - How To Move Back Home Without Going Mad

Episode Date: April 9, 2019

Moving back home with your parents once you've done the big "OFF I GO TO MAKE IT ON MY OWN" goodbye speech can be hard. Tessa's done it twice and both Stevie and Tessa have some advice for anyone who has found themselves lying in their childhood bed again. Spoiler: it's all about perspective.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true, Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Nobody panic. Hello and welcome. I'm Stevie.

I'm Tessa. And we're here to just, you know, help you out. Help you out with some stuff. Oh, before we start, I just want to say that I'm doing my Edinburgh show Volume 1. I'm doing my Edinburgh show Volume 1. There we go. Now I want to come. In London, Soho Theatre.com.

It's really fun. I worked very hard on it, and I would love to show you. The first two days are sold out. Wednesday and Thursday are sold out. Fantastic. But the Friday and Saturday, because it's good Friday. So I'd say you've got to choose the Lord or me and choose me. So there's still a fair few tickets to shift on the old Saturday and Friday.

But I'll be in the bar afterwards and please go over and say hi. And yeah, so it's Soho Theatre.com and it's called CVMartin Volume 1. This stuff, this episode, is about how to move back into your parents. How to move inside your parents. Yes, I'd have to climb back in. No, how to move back at home. when you're of an age where you feel maybe like, well, historically, this would be seen as bad, but it's fine. That's me trying not to, because it's not a bad thing now.

It's very common. No. According to a recent study, nearly a million more young adults now live with their parents. That was in February 2019. The number has risen from 2.4 million to 3.4 million. In the UK? In the UK, yeah. That's a report by the admittedly right.

leaning think tank civitas there are so many reasons for it the housing situation is one of them if you wanted to live in a big city the amount of people who have parents in like outside of London who have moved back

home at some point I genuinely believe if you don't do that you're mad because you're paying like in your early twenties you're paying like 600 pounds literally £800 a month in London for a small flat is actually considered now quite quite fine Yes. That's mad.

And if you're not in a city and that's nothing, the other reason is for, you know, life problems, emotional reasons, just saving money. It doesn't matter if you're outside of London or you're outside of Hull, where this house is significantly cheaper. It's still money, isn't it? And you'll probably end up being able to pay a little bit less keep with your parents. Because I know some parents, lots of my friends who've moved back in,

they still pay their way like every month or so, but it's just nowhere near as much as their rent. I'm obviously one of those statistical figures. You're a guru? I'm a guru and I took part in that census. And your reasons were house-sharing reasons, isn't it? Yes, my reasons were we'd come to the end of our lease and I didn't want to be on the house anymore.

Come to end of your tether? The end of the line. And I think also relationships often are a reason too, like lots of people who have shared a flat with their significant other or SO, which is the thing I'm going to start saying now. Because you're a mum's net follower. I'm a mum's net follower. I'm a new mum.

Of course. Wait until you hear my adult thing. I think I've just blown it. When you go through a breakup, oh God, I can't imagine what I'd be like, I've never been living with someone that I've gone through a breakup with. But the thought of like, you're like, oh God, how painful. And now the admin. Yes. And you have to like see them.

I have a friend who broke up with, they were engaged and they broke up. And then there's a live in the same flat for like the remaining things. three months of their lease because they were like, well, financially, this makes sense. And so, you know, like, he was bringing people back. No. Yeah. No. She'd broken up with him.

She'd spend a lot of time at her parents' house, but her parents were up north. So, like, it just, for her job, like, it just didn't work. So, like, pretty much every weekend was spent with her, like, staying at friends' houses, just not wanting to be in the flat anymore. But, so if you're going through that, I feel you. I don't feel you because I have not had that, but I, it hurts me to think. Even to think about it. Jobs changing. Jobs changing.

Millie Filling out of love with where you were living before. Absolutely. I think I'm maybe starting to do that. That's a whole other podcast called How is Stevie falling out of London? Because they have to start with how, don't they? I think that that quote by guess. Confucius. No. Shakespeare.

No. Bionce. No. Michelle Obama? Yes. No. Yeah. Oh.

No, go on. Tandy Newton. No. Is it a thousand? I don't know. I just don't know. I would have a whole podcast of me guessing, but I won't do that. Samuel Johnson. I was never going to say something. No, I would never have got that either. I would have best I would have gone for John Dunn, who I don't even know. That's the metaphysical poet. Yeah, that's what I would have thought about. When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life. I just think that that quote makes you be like, oh, okay. Yes, I must be tired of life then if I want to leave.

Yes, so I guess I'll never leave. Yeah. And then, but really it's like, forget it's Samuel Johnson. He wrote that in like 1662 and the fire had just happened. Yeah. So there's a lot less of London at that point. Quite frankly, there was a lot less. It burned down. And there was less people. There was certainly no tube.

Basically, what we're saying is because it sounds like, what the hell is this got to do with anything? But I think if you want to leave a city or the cool place that you have moved to out of your mother's nest and your father's tree. Yes. And then you're like, oh, now I need to go back home. it can feel like a step back. Yes, because you're like, well, now I'm the man who is tired of life.

I'm like Samuel Johnson. I must return to the family homestead. Exactly. Man who's tired of London is tired of life. No, you're not. No, you're not. You're just quite tired. And sometimes it's important to do a step sideways

while you think about your next step forwards. Rather than being like, I'm on this treadmill now, so I guess I'm never getting off. I came home from something. When I came home early from something, I was planning to stay for much longer and then I said to my mum I'm coming home actually

and I thought she'd be like no go live your life you've got two more weeks and she was like lovely I'll see it at the airport and it was so like oh yeah I don't have to pretend this like I'm having a great time actually

he's like I want to come home now I want to come home and I think that idea of I want to come home now is something that we should all be like listen we should all listen to and not quell it because you've got these mad ideas that it's embarrassing to go at home. No, it's not embarrassing. But obviously, it can be tricky. Certainly. Because,

I mean, I got on very well with my family, as does Tessa. But you basically have got these new housemates now who are used to you being, sort of 18, or 17, 16, 4. How you have progressed and changed living alone or with other people. Absolutely. You've sort of completely changed as a person. There'll be arguments or you'll rub each other up the wrong way. Yes. And also, you've returned back to the family home. So when you're like, Don't dream like a child. You're like, well, why are you in our house then? There's a lot of that.

And also, like, if they're used to seeing you just like at, you know, family gatherings or dues for the weekend, you're on top form. And my dad calls it the dead fish rule. Of course. Which is how long the fish would be enjoyed on the table in the kitchen and it's three days. And then everyone would be like, that fish smells, what are we going to do about that fish? Before, everyone's like, how funny, there's a fish here. Right.

So if you're saying, if you move back home for a year. Yeah, everyone's like, that fish is rotten. And so you're no longer just like a guest, you know, you're way past your dead fish rule. It's too far, yes. You know a... But it's not the end of the world. Like, you can still make it work and you can still make it be a good side step rather than like, oh God. A backwards step.

Just sideways. It's like sidewards. Sort of like Morris dancing. That's what we're doing here. I think they do a lot of sides of being bell ringing. Maybe that's bell ringing. Anyway, the adult thing, the adult thing that I would like to volunteer because I'll go first. So I went to France.

To Caucason. I did French A level. Of course I did. Did you? No, because it was like a long time ago. And the person I was going on holiday with used to live in Paris for a long time, yeah. He says he wasn't fluent. He still had to think, but he could speak French.

And both of us would, I mean, obviously me, because I've been like, you know, Juo foot, like that business. Gem La Piscine. Jeanne, a lobege de jonesse. Do you remember that? I think that was youth hostel. And when I arrived in France,

I saw a lobege de jonesse and nearly lost my mind. Yeah, that one was. I spent so many of my weekend durniers there. Yeah, that was the thing. No one had ever, ever done a weekend like you said you had. Never. Never in a minute. And also your parents didn't.

ever do the jobs. My parents were a teacher and a dentist and they're an oceanographer and taught horse riding for a living. That's too hard to say though, you know. You can't say, actually I think oceanographer is oceanograph, graphic. Oh, great, okay. But either way, I was like, I don't know how to translate specializes in marine biology defense. No, of course not. So you just said he was a dentist. Poor man. Yeah, I think I said my dad was like a baker, like a boulauncheist. Yeah, he's a session drummer. Yeah. And he went on tour with Peter. DJ and Duncan. Very cool. He did. He did. It's the coolest thing about Stevie. It's my dad.

So we were a bit overwhelmed with the language. Certainly. And I just started slipping in a few little, Vueuze de l'lé. Do you have any milk? It's possibly not du la. It's possibly not right. It doesn't matter. Lay is milk. And did you want any milk? No, no, I did. I did. Or Esquilier Lagat. Where is the station? Artrebiant. Great stuff.

And I started just with literally just like, merci and au revoir and boucho. On the fourth day, we were in a chocolate shop and there was a big chocolate chicken and the shadow, he said, is that solid chocolate in French? And I was like, where's this come from? And then she went, and the woman said it in French,

for me, like there's a whole family. And he went, do don't? Inside! Oh, Trébien. And then we left the chocolate shop. To a round of applause. No, we didn't, but like it felt like we did. So that was my adult. thing because of course whenever I said the French thing the French person would go

what and then reply in English and I didn't let it affect me that's fantastic and now I think I'm basically French that's wonderful thank you uh moving back in with your parents no you haven't done your adult thing you just told me that's it that's my other thing I've booked a holiday oh great and uh where uh Austria in fact we mit de de de de chocolat de mitchan honestly that's too hot chocolates with cream. That's great. Every time they did come. But that is good. So, you know, I think the sense of the chocolate

was there. I mean, I felt like I understood. I felt like I understood it and I didn't. Exactly. I think it's a real gift. It's a gift. I find holidays very stressful, many, many reasons. Not any of the reasons I think that the normal person finds holidays stressful. The stressful bit is

the booking the flight and thinking you've got the flight in the wrong direction or the flight to the wrong place or like, you've shown up to the airport and they're like, no, this is for 2020. You know, you know and but think of it like booking a train it's exactly the same i know i know i don't know why it gets so stressed out about it because it's it's a big plane it's a plane it's a lot of efforts change because it's like that's the thing that like your parents didn't you know the first thing never but yourself on you're like oh my god why am i being in charge of of this i am literally

going tomorrow where uh Austria again yeah yeah yeah I came back and I was like should we go skiing to my parents and um so they've driven with the car and I'm just going with my hand luggage and I got a 30 pound flight Oh my God, this is incredible. Yeah, then you get a 10-pound train all the way into Ishkel right to the ski resort. I said, that's your adult thing. You just booked a holiday for your parents. Yeah.

After you came back off holiday. And I was like, I'm going again. That's like the queen. Yes. I'd like to start by recommending a book. Oh. By Nat Lutzima. It's called Cuckoo in the Nest.

She's a comedian. She's a now writer. She writes a lot of really excellent young adult fiction that I love. But this is her first book. And she was 28. Her relationship ended. and she moved back in with her parents. It's just a really fun look at that.

And I think it would be very helpful for anyone listening who's like, oh God, how do I cope? That might be a nice place to start, read, speak to people who've done it. So you don't feel so, like, alone and like, oh, maybe it's only me that is finding this a bit more difficult psychologically than I thought. Because it happened to be twice, and this second time around. With two different sets of parents. Absolutely, with my first family.

With my first family. But my first family and now moving in with my second family. But we're so much better this second time around. Oh, that's nice. For loads of different reasons. So the first time I moved back in after university, and when I was an absolute hot pot, I was no fun to be around. Oh, I didn't think hot pot meant that.

I didn't think that's what you meant by hot pot. No, I know, but you said hot pot in such a way. I was like, a great hot gal. Oh, never have I been more sexy than when I moved back home with my parents of university. I was going to say, like, a boiling hot pot of like, if you tried to touch it to be like, You're going to get a job? It just exploded at you.

Of course. You're going to move out? I'm off and set out to pots. The hot pot just blew up, blew its top. All its stew everywhere. And yeah, move back home. Didn't have a job. Didn't have anywhere to live.

Didn't know what to do with myself. Didn't have any sort of had no idea what to do. And also, of course, as we've discussed in our graduate wasteland, you know, there were no obvious jobs. And it also felt stressful getting like a full-time job in the bar or in the restaurant or something in town. that also felt like a step back. Yeah, definitely. Like being like, why don't you go get a job abroad or something? It felt like, whereas now I'm quite like,

I think I'm gonna go, you know, live in the mountains for six months and like, you know, own a pig farm. Me and my pig, you know, moving to the mountains of Austria. Good too. Like that feels like a very viable thing. Whereas at 22 that felt like, no, I've got a whole life here. Like I'm supposed to be doing stuff. Like owning a pig felt like the opposite.

Whereas now a pig feels like 101. Get that pig in. And so I was a nightmare. Then my dad was also trying to retire and was very cross. He thought he would have retired years ago. And he, both my parents, left when they were teenagers. So for me to be back age 21, they were like, who is this? And what are you doing in our house?

And I basically became this sort of live-in painter-decorator in which like every day when my dad left for work, they'd be like a list of jumps for me on the table. So like we were living in a, it was a, it was no one was helping anybody. And then my dad, so since then, I've got on my own two feet. I have a plan and a whole structure around me and like I am not a hot pot anymore. And even though I am at home and haven't got a base, I do have like a job and a bit of a plan and it's a pig. And my dad has since retired. So he's settled into his life.

He's much more settled into his life. He bought himself attracted and he cuts people's edges for a living. He makes things. He makes things. And my parents have also completely, because another thing, I didn't help was like everyone was too big for the house to now be full of rather than two parents and some children it was now like some grownups and some hot pots and anyway they built themselves as beautiful glass kitchen it's really lovely and so they're really chuff with it everybody's just mellow you've gone in there with expectations of like okay so we've done this before we've done this before doesn't work if I'm a hot pot so you've probably changed your I've mellowed right out yeah yeah and so it's but it's tricky to go through it the first time because it does feel like this huge step back in time and everybody's like,

doesn't know where they stand in the power play. Everyone's like, am I the grown up? Are you the grown up? Yeah, should I shout at you? And then you're like, don't shout at me. Because you've also been living out by yourself for three years or four years. So at uni,

so you're not used to being policed like that again. It's like very, very hard. I think as well, like, I didn't move back home after I graduated, but I deferred a year of university and lived at home for that year. And I wasn't sure I was going to go back. So that's sort of like a similar thing

in the sense that I had that, what's the word, the sensation of, like, waking up in the morning and just being like, I don't know what I'm doing. And I don't know what I'm doing next week. And I don't know what I'm doing the week after. I don't have, like, you go through life being like, and then obviously I'll go up a year, and then I'll have those exams.

And then you're like, but there's, like, if I, like, I didn't even have a written diary because I got bought one for, you know, and it just was blank because I didn't have anything in it. It was like, oh my, because I can't even write my, and then I graduate. And then I like, it was so weird. I feel like that's a similar thing.

And often if you're moving back home for different situations, like a relationship breakup or money saving or whatever, you may have some sort of a plan. So you're like, well, I'll go home and save money for this amount of time and then I'll move back. But if you don't, I think it's probably one of the main tips, unless you're moving back with your family for good, in which I think this podcast is more focused on,

it's a transient thing, rather than that is like it. But yeah, you should try and make a plan. So even if you don't actually, you literally don't have anything to put in the plan, create some stuff. So what's your deadline for when you're like, right, well, by this point, if I haven't found anything, I'll get a job in the nearby bar. Yes. Or like, and then by this point, if I'm hoping to only stay here for four months, six months. You know, this is my plan. So everybody's on board and nobody's sort of whispering like, and how long is she going to stay?

Exactly. And also, you don't feel like everyone's whispering that because as well, like people probably aren't saying that. But like you get so defensive. Yeah. You don't want me, I'm shut up! And everyone's like, I literally just asked you if you wanted Cheerios. Yeah. Also, if you are somebody who feels like they've ever gone,

yeah, sure. It's so easy to look back on all the times that I've been that person. And it's very, very hard when you are it to be self-aware enough to be like, I'm sorry, I can tell I'm doing this. And whatever the thing that you're being like, shut up, you don't even understand about, have a quick check because you probably aren't happy about it yourself. Yeah, the biggest arguments or the biggest,

the most upset I ever get is when someone tells me what I've actually done. I don't want to hear it. Someone says something that I actually am or do or, you know, have a behavioural trait that is correct. Are you like, no? And then about three hours later on time, I was like, yeah, you hit the nail on the head and it really hurt. Yeah. Moving back in with your parents is, for the first time, is like that inner situation. Because it's literally like, I don't need to be here, but you do.

But you do. And everything that they do is nice. You're like, oh, they're just infantilising me. You're like, no, they're just trying to be nice. So, yes, it's your mom and your dad might drive you up the wall, but the fact that they're letting you be there is like a lovely kind thing for them to do. And yeah, you just have to, it's not going to be like it was when you were a teenager and you were just living there. It's not like it's going to be this like, you know, rest and relaxation thing where you're just going to chill out.

You're going to feel stressed a lot because you're going to constantly be like, okay, and what's the next bit? But you shouldn't. you should allow yourself. I feel like people should allow themselves time to be like, okay, like you've moved back home for a reason, whether that is graduation, whether that is a relationship, whether that is a job change. I think give yourself like at least a month to just reassimilate. Like I think you have to allow yourself that a stressless.

Yeah, I know how much, like the clock is ticking. Like the clock is not ticking. You have all the time. You really do. You have all the time. It's such a common thing that we get emails about. Like if you were given a complicated math salute, like, problem or a question and a exam paper or something, you would research it, you would think about

it, and then you would write the answer. You wouldn't just be like, I'll write the first thing that happens. Why? I know it. You have to have a process. So like moving back home is the same sort of thing. You can't just know what you're going to do next. You have to like do your research. You have to have a think. You have to give yourself time to process what it is that you want to do. And I think, yeah, people kind of just think that everything has happened now. And most crucially, that moving back in with your parents takes you right back to the square one whereas it's not it's just part of the solution that you've come up with to a problem it's because everyone has such a clear idea that like it's a straight line of a race and here are the other people running and I should be here and so going back

to your parents like going back to you know step one on the board yeah like it's just like think of the thing more of like a big soup rather than a road there we it's a big soup it's not a road guys that's the one take home and like and so some things have to cook for longer and some things you can run on Okay, everyone. Okay? Does that make sense? Okay. On a practical note,

the thing you just say then about like, yeah, you feel like you start from the beginning and you go back to like however old you were when you left. At Christmas, that's what I do. Like, I feel like I become an 18 year old again. Well, I used to do that. And then, so there was one where tip that I read about moving back in with your parents,

it was like, oh yeah, since I've done this, I'm a lot happier. You should not, like, basically fight against that psychological urge just to go back to being a child like he used to be, which is what will naturally happen. You'll suddenly start being like, don't want to do dishes. It's like, no, you are now entering the house as an adult,

so you have to help out more. And you have to, like, help out when people don't ask you to. You have to do all those things that actually come a lot easier when you're an adult than when you're a kid. Because I think it's because things aren't as heavy. Genuinely, I think they're like, they're not as heavy or high. Oh, I think that's a big part of it.

So, like, making a six-year-old, like, do a thing that now I'm like, why don't I make such a fuss about this as a child? I was like, it was a lot heavier then. Yeah, the fork was the size of me, so of course I couldn't put it away. It was a lot to carry the plates to the table. Yeah, that is true. That is true. And also, you can't see the point in it when you're younger.

You're just like, this is just time wasting balls. Whereas when you've lived by yourself, you see that if you do the dishes, like, then your kitchen's nicer. Or like, someone needs to do it. And your parents are doing your favour by letting you stay there. So it will be hard to keep it up, but you should at least start out with the intentions of helping out where you can. And thinking it's, things like, oh, you know, if I did this while my parents are out at work, that's got me a good brownie point so I can stay here longer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that is a way of looking

and I'll just hoover. Why not? Yeah, why not? Because that will make them so happy and they'll, they'll, like, actively enjoy me being there, rather than you living at home, using it like a hotel. Yeah. And just go and see all your old pals who are all in there, which, I mean, of course, that's what, you know, if you've got friends near your parents, I'll do that. But, like, you have to make sure that you're treating your parents with the respect that you want. you want to receive. But I sound like we're doing a podcast for children. It's like, you've got to help around the house.

But that's the thing is like, do a chart. Side memory. I just remember that when we were very small, my dad must have left for work before we got up in the morning to go to primary school. And the breakfast table was laid. And I was like, probably Peter Pan. And I was really confident it was Peter Pan.

Oh, that's very cute. Doing it. Be the Peter Pan for your parents. Be the Peter Pan of your house. Also, a friend of my moved back. in with his parents. It was like seven months something. He said he had a lovely time because he

would like spend, you'd make sure that he spent quality time with them. So it wasn't just like, oh, we're living in the same house. It was like having meals with them, suggesting a movie night, like actively doing stuff with your parents. Because also when you move out of your parents' house,

you're going to go back to the thing of like, you know, you see them irregularly or you call them not as much as you like to. Now you've got the chance to actually like hang out with them. And you might have a problematic relationship with your parent and we'll come to that later. But like even if you do, there are ways of, just like you do in life with friends

and you kind of, if you have like a fractious relationship with someone, you work out how to heal that and how to kind of make it better. Do that with your parents, like offer stuff, be kind of be there to chat to them if they've had a hard day at work. Like basically treat them like a friend, like housemates that you're living with.

Like you wouldn't want to treat your housemates like shit, would you? No way. Because then they'll kick you out, which, and your parents will. Maybe get into some kind of TV show altogether in the age of the box set. We've just finished season two of the crown. Yeah, the crown's a great one. The crown, I really can't recommend enough as a multi-generational.

There's a lot to enjoy. There really is. Sumptuously directed. It's sumptuously directed. Matt Smith is amazing. Clefoy is fantastic. Everyone's acting their socks off, but also it's about a real time in history. So there's no way someone won't be like, I remember that. Also, like, introducing your parents to things that you have found.

that they'll like. For example, I want my parents to watch Coco, you know, the Pixar. Oh, yes. It's so good. And like, you know, cook with your dad if he's cooking or like, you know, like do something. Get involved in the way that the house works because it's one of those things as well that if you're really not looking forward to it and you do have a difficult relationship with the family, leaning out of it is only going to be worse.

Like it's just going to make the gap worse and make it more awkward to be living there. Whereas if you really surprise everyone by leaning fully in and being like, enthusiastic and excited to be there and helpful, then it doesn't matter what's gone before, because look at how you're acting now. I think that's a, you know... And I think a key thing is just communicate. Oh, my God, big time.

So not only this, like... Not through angry notes. Not through angry notes. You sit down, you know, you communicate, try and be like, are you behaving like this because of this reason? Yes. Like, do you feel like I'm in your space? Are you cross about this?

Like, you just have to, you know, everyone be nice and open. Otherwise everyone will just, it'll just boil itself to toxic. resentment is a bad thing when you're all living in the same house and it's your family. And I think like as well, having meals together helps. When we were growing up, dinner time was always at the time when like if someone had kind of, you know, gone off or say someone had scratched I hate dad into an old cupboard. Say they'd done that. Had they? Me, I did that.

Yeah, still there. That finds it hilarious. You know why? And at the time, this was huge. And when I looked back on. What is the time? The Soviet area. I think I was 11 or 12.

Okay. He decided because I'd been naughty. We weren't going swimming that day, but he would take me next week. Absolutely lost my mind. Anyway, that would be a thing where at dinner that night we would sit down and we'd talk about it. And it would be horrible because I didn't want to talk about it. But it would be like, looking back, that is the best way to do things. Because also you've got like a nice meal.

So you're like, yeah, well, I want to be here for the meal. But now I've got to talk about it. That's the exchange. Now I stir fry. I have to talk about why you scratched I head down on the cupboard. Yeah. So I'm sorry I scratched this on the cupboard. I think I just felt very frustrated that we weren't allowed.

to go swimming today. I mean, it's hard to make this, transfer this to, like, adult. I don't think, I think it's the same thing. It's like, just begin with, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to think of how unbelievably bad we were at talking the first time around when it was so bad being at home.

And partly that is because, not that I wasn't there of my own volition, but I did feel like if I could be gone, I wanted to, I did keep trying to run away, you know, and like I, and so, whereas this is like, an active choice that I've made to go home. Yeah.

And I think like it is when people are really, when you're cross with each other, like it is really hard just be like, well, just communicate. You're like, no. Yes, you can't. You have to. So I think just I'm beginning with an apology. Like, I'm sorry I've made you feel like this. I'm sorry I left my stuff in the middle of the landing.

Do you have anything to say? I will never to do that. Just so you know, this is how it makes me feel when you move my stuff. It makes me feel like I'm a child again. and I know I'm back in your house but I'm really, really trying to be a grown-up and I would love if you gave me some of that power. And it takes a lot, you can't do that in the moment

but you have to take yourself away and like try and think, like try and think, basically do something fully different, like listen to music, go on, do something completely different. And then the moment your brain is switched to doing that other thing, the perspective will come back

and you'd be like, right, well, I got angry because my mom did this, but now I'm able to talk about it. I do so much sort of putting in their shoes of being like, okay, how does my mum feel? Who thought she had like, you know, she was free and easy now. She'd walk around nude. She thought she could get nude. Now I'm back here bringing my friends around and, you know, and trying to, I'm, she's having to rego through this shit with me.

And they're worried as well often because I think it's always a worry when your child comes back to live because it's never for a reason it's like, life's going great. Yeah, exactly. Everything's going brilliantly, so I've come home. Come home. It's always like, not necessarily it's bad, but it's always like, okay, I need to take a time out. situation. Ideally, your timeout would be like a cottage that you own in the middle of the country. With your chef, Miguel. Yeah.

And you and Miguel just, and he doesn't, he only speaks when spoken to. So he's not annoying. And there's nothing weird going on with Miguel. Oh, my, in my head he's like the Swedish chef in the Muppets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Although he's quite weird. But there's no like sexual tension with Miguel. No, he has singing fruit.

It's not going to be like that. You're going to be inserted back into a fully functioning household that you have a role to play. Again, expectations of, he. And with the dinner thing, I think, both make the dinner, but also when someone says, what do you want for dinner tonight, make a choice. Oh, you're bringing some personal things to the table. Certainly, certainly because I think that so often with dinner, it's less about the actual cooking process and more about having to make the choice.

Yes. Oh, yeah, what do we want? I don't know. This. Oh, well, I'm easy. Like, no, say it. It doesn't help you being like, I'm easy, whatever. Like, that is not the answer anyone's looking for.

No, they want to know what to make. People would just want to be told to have that taken away from them. Yes. The other tip I found is to keep your routine and social life as intact as possible. And I think that taps into the whole like waking up being like, what am I doing? And we said about making a plan, that's like a long-term plan. But in terms of day-to-day, you need to have something to be doing. So if you're not still doing your job and you're sort of commuting or, you know, you've got another job or whatever,

it might be worth looking into taking on a project or doing something that you've always wanted to do. But in your previous life, you were too busy to. do and you've always, and not learn the piano. Something that is useful. Like, for example, for me, the thing that I keep putting off is I need to get someone to build me a website that's good because I've tried so hard and I'm not good at it and it's cool

and I need to accept it and just get someone to do it so it's done. So that would be something that I would like, be like, right, well, I'll organise that. And I'll organise all the little things in my life that are kind of trailing that you just kind of go, then they're not a priority. You can do that when you're at home because you'll have a bit more time and you'll have a little

bit more space to kind of, and also you'll need to do admin, you'll need to do things to feel like, well, okay, this is what I'm doing today. And if you don't have anything, because your life has been completely upheavled. You've graduated and now you're like, what do I do? Well, you've lost your job and your partner and your partner and everything and your house and everything. Get very into running. Get very into running. Get into something. Read, you know, set yourself little kind of tasks that you can look forward to. Also, keep your social life going, like speak to friends, Skype friends, Go for drinks with people. I think you can hold yourself away and just stay in a room or, you know, just stay in the house.

Because there's no, I always feel like that whenever I go home, I don't leave the house for like a whole week. Because it's like, well, there's no reason to. Like, what am I going to do? If there's like a family dog and if your dad's like, that's all I have, maybe don't. Yes, yes, yes. It's very hard to say because everyone's different. But a routine is the key because I think when you have a job, that's what's good about the job. That is annoying, but it's given you a routine.

without you trying. And I think be aware of like, what is your parents' routine? Like, are they still going to work? In which case, are they going to be cross to leave the house when you're still in bed and then return home and you're also in the bed? You're now in their bed. And they say, like, what have you done today? And you're like, I've drawn this owl.

Again, really getting some great experience. And they're like, did you apply for that job? And you're like, no. Imagine how you would feel. If you had a job day to day and you were putting food on the table and then someone was living in your house and you came home. So just constantly put yourself in like their shoes. And equally if like they've just recently retired, be aware that like that's also

quite a big transition that feels very exciting for one week followed by like, oh no, what am I doing now? Projects, project. Projects, right, the projects down. The thing you just said there is so important about the, about saying, so have you applied for that job because that's the thing that will drive you. So if you've come back and you're like, I need to find a job or, because you're like, I need to find a job or can I move back while I find out where's somewhere to live?

Obviously, they're going to be asking you, so have you found somewhere? And it's so easy to take that. Right, so you want me to leave then, do you? Or you think I'm a failure and I'm not doing anything with my days. Shut up, because also you're in your brain and your body. So you know that maybe that day you'd spent two hours, drawing an owl.

And those two hours could have been spent doing a job. Certainly could have done. But if you have like a routine where you are like in my day, between, I don't know, 12 and 3 every day, that's my job hunting time. That's my insert anything else. Yeah, you only feel that level of like defensive, shut up, energy if you know that actually you didn't apply for anything today. So when someone says, do you apply for that job?

And you say, do you know, I did? And they send me this horrible letter back. And like, you know, that's the answer if you actually have done it. If you didn't do it, then the answer is like, you don't know anything about the job. You know, because really the answer is like, no, I didn't do the job. I watched another eight episodes of the American office, okay? Like all the Brexit people being like, we burnt the evidence. Yeah.

It's in my asshole. It's in my asshole. It's only something you say if you didn't do it. Like, you know, it's never legit in your asshole. And even though you're like, gosh, it's actually in my asshole. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I put it in my asshole again. So like be, you know, and again, this is like really, really hard level stuff that when you're in it

is so hard to do and so easy from the outset being like, just be calmer, communicate, just do this. But sometimes you need that very easy, like, oh, remind it and it could push you forward a little bit. Yeah, exactly. It's like, you know, like reading a book or something, that you're like, yeah, I know all this stuff. Like, I know I'm supposed to not be stressed and sleep well.

But for some reason, I do keep reading articles about that. Because I'm like, tell me, remind me again. And I think, yeah, if you are sat in your family home, listening to this, being like, oh yes oh god then you know you've made the mistake of of course like everyone does of just not being perfect all the time and we you can't be perfect you can't do everything perfectly so if it's an absolute shitstorm that's fine that's kind of as expected just like try and change one thing you know if like just take one thing at a time to be like right well i'll try and make my experience better because there's no point in um in having in going home for her for many months or years

having a difficult time, you might as well make the best of it while you're there, because you're not going to get another chance to kind of live rent-free. Even though it doesn't feel like that when you're actually in it, you're just like, this is like, I feel like I'm trapped. Yeah. And yet, see the bestiffs. I was just going to pass a Chekhov quote to end.

I think it's very important that we always end on Anton Chekhov. Do you know it actually might be Tolstoy? Anton Chekhov's Tolstoy? Tweet us. Who said this quote? Who says this quote? I'd love it if it's going to be so, it's like, so, Like Toy Story is like Toy Story.

And then it's, yeah. You've got a king, you best not miss. You go Glen Coco. You go Glenn Coco. Two for you. Who said it? No, it is the bread of the host is bitter and his stairs are hard to climb. Oh, Jesus.

Is that game of throats? No, it truly is either Chekhov or Tolstoy. And it is, I really stuck with me when I read it. It's about a girl who has to go and be a governess in someone else's house. and it really stuck with me that no matter how much they're like, this is your room, this is your, this is your thing. Like, you're never truly at home being a guest, like, you never. And so the more that you can make that your home,

so you don't have to feel like a guest in the space. And, you know, you've found your new rules, a new frame and you like, this is my space, this is your space. And in order to be given essentially like the privilege of your own space, because what people pay for in London or the city or the town or wherever you live, when you pay your astronomical rent is to be like and this is my door

and I close the door now and this is my space and so if you've chosen to be in a different place you have to be like well this is the price for this space yeah the trade off is that your mum might walk into your bedroom without knocking

but you're not paying for it no so and then maybe communicate with her and be like hello I would like I'm really trying to be a grown up and I'm doing some rude things in here or just like get very nude and just wait for you to do it again She'll never do that again. Yeah, exactly.

Put, like, jam on your boobs and just... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm having my boob jam time. Exactly. I'm jamming in here. Or just be like, oh, well, live your life. People are going to do whatever. You know, it's just an acceptance of like,

here's however many people are in this house, but at least two. And everyone's just got their own thing going on. Be respectful and kind and nice to each other. And to yourself as well. If you think with like a job on or with moving back to your parents that you'll spend every day doing something meaningful and you'll start a bullet journal

And then you'll be helping, you'll be cooking for mother. You'll watch a lot of loose women, followed by Holmes Under the Hammer. You'll feel quite lost and you'll cry and then your parents will go, so what did you do today? And then you'll shout at them. That's probably most of the days. But if you can find a way to make those days in the minority, that would be you've won.

And I tell you from experience, the only good value daytime television is bargain hunt. It is quite good, though. Yeah. As a freelancer, I watch it a lot. It's absolutely absurd. Yeah, it is like, yeah, it's absolutely. be mad. So the top lines being talk, communicate, chat to people in the house, chat to your parents, don't get into a situation where you're all just like walking around, not talking about

when's she going to go. Be clear on how the fish is going to be there. Be clear on how, yeah, set deadlines, have a long-term plan that if you don't stick to, don't be yourself about that. But that is your aim. But begin the process with the plan in place. Yes. And then have daily routine, stuff that you can do life admin or things that you've always been put. putting off that you need to do for your job, that are extras, I don't know, tidy up your social media profile. Put some old ordnance survey maps on the stairs. Is that a thing? It's something I'm doing.

The horizontal part. Oh, the vertical bit, as in the little bit between the steps, as in a decorating thing. Yes. It sounded like you just wanted to put a pile of maps on the stairs. I was like, that will take two minutes. We've got a load of maps and I was supposed to throw them out. But instead, I cut them up and I made them into a decorative piece. That's lovely.

Do you apparently know you're doing that? Yes, it's had the green light. That's so crucial thing. If you are trying a large-scale decorative project, do get the green light. Get the green light. Ordiners of them out from the homeowner, whoever pays the bill. Take up an exercise, take up running. Make sure you've got a schedule.

Absolutely. And then try and spend some quality time with your parents. It isn't just like talking about the housework or when you're leaving. Yeah. Do something as an activity. Go out. If you know. Some on the cinema or.

What's going on in the local area? Go to a fate. Can you walk? What can you walk to in the village? What are people doing? And if there isn't a thing, you know, start one. Does they need to? Start a fate.

Start a book club. Become the mayor of the town. Become the mayor. I think the biggest one is help out and be as good value. As adult as you can, be as good value as you can because you're not 17, 16 anymore. When you left, you were a different person. So you've grown, they've grown and you need to be like an adult now. That's what you are all, you were three adults living in house.

Or four. Or seven. Or many. Who are we to? Your parents throuple? and... I love the word thruple. It's so good.

And the polygamous Mormons who are lodging there, so you're all in. There we go. Thank you so much for listening. Tweet us at Nobody PanicPod. Or me at CVM. The S is a 5. At Tessacote. And you can email us on... Nobodypanicpodcast at gmail.com.

Yeah. Thank you so much for listening and we will see you next week. Goodbye.