Nobody Panic - How to Move In With Your Partner

Episode Date: February 11, 2020

Want to move in with a partner but worried if it’s the right thing to do? Or the wrong thing? Or too much of A Thing? Stevie and Tessa have put together some top tips to ensure the big move isn’t a stressful one.Recorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive Productions.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Follow Nobody Panic on Twitter @NobodyPanicPodSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Okay. Take a seat. Take a load off. How are you? Quite good. Are you? Yeah, actually, we're all right. Yeah. Oh, fantastic. I'm quite sparky. I'm feeling quite sparky. Hmm. You look quite sparky. Thank you.

Or manic. Or manic. Good me. Buzzing. Welcome to the podcast. This is Nobody Panic. I'm Tessa. This is Stevie. Hello. Hello. Steve's a real talent. We're doing how to move in with your partner. Well, we're saying partner, but we don't mean like business partner. We mean, but boyfriend, girlfriend. Let's not put a label on it. Significant other. person who chooses not to have a label. Oh my God, love that. Cruising not a friend, because I think we've had flatmates. But equally, like, some of these will be relevant to a friend, but we're going to really get into what it's like to transition from being a, you know,

you're dating and suddenly you make this big, huge jump that now you're going to cohabit, which is a big thing. And it's something we get asked about all the time. I can't move for being asked about it. No, wow, God. Oh, again. Ah! So we're like, okay, okay.

Here we come. We're going to get into it. I think it's that we, it's always, I think, a real shock to people the first time because we were sold such a clear image of what it would be like. Yes, the prince would sort of be on a horse. Yeah. They don't really go into their kind of cohabitation. No. It's just like, you just see their house.

It's like a massive palace. And they're like, well, I guess that's where she lives now. Yeah. And then you don't see what actually happens. There's a reason that movies end at the wedding. Oh, yeah. There's a reason you don't see what it's like just to like bicker. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, it's all, like, passionate and good. And so you never... I prefer you when you're asleep. Yes. And if you do have a movie about that, it's like... Marriage story. Or a revolutionary road.

I've not seen either of them. Been blue valentine. Not seen it. Don't watch it. That's the thing. I don't care for them. I don't want to watch a movie about tragic relationship that was once good turning sour. No, thank you.

No, thank you. And, you know, it's awful. And so if you do see it in a positive light, it's like, she's wearing his shirt. And they're eating Chinese out of those white boxes. And they've just, like, painted the white boxes. And they've just, like, painted the white boxes. walls and they've like got a little bit of paint on their cheek and it's just so fun to live together

or in like Benjamin Button where they finally meet in the middle and Brad Pitt and Cape Blanche well you recall that he's an old man and then he goes into a young young boy baby boy baby boy baffling but at some point they meet in the middle and they're both like 30 and they are living in this like like you know when it's like it was just a shack just a cheap rent from like you know but it always looks like it's absolutely massive

and it's exquisite and it's that like shabbit be yet exquisite. Like Miss Honey's new house in Matilda. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like roller skating around the massive living room. Yeah. Life was fun.

It was like, yeah, it was because you got a massive living room. Well, that's when they move into the big house. Yeah, and it's lovely. It's beautiful. Yeah, that's true. But all of... Even when she lived in the tiny house where she had just like a little table with a doily over the top, that was also beautiful.

That's also nice. Yeah. Bigger than my flat now. Yes. Anyway, the point is they take this shack in inverted commons. They live in that for ages. And there's just this mattress on the floor. and they're just like it's just it's just a montage basically where it's like it's just like people fading in and out

but they're just basically fucking on this mattress for ages and there's just white sheets everywhere and then Brad Pitt is like we lived on that mattress it was our whole world and then you're like well that's what it's like to live with someone what to do for money exactly what's the job who's taking out the bins what's going on here you know you just like just composting everything yeah what's doing they're recycling is anyone even discussing it who's paid the council tax that's the issue You know? And so you as a child, and by you, I mean, me had this very clear idea. It was like, you just rolled around on this mattress and that's living with someone. Right. Was I thought you just did roller skating in the living room with essentially your teacher. Yeah. And that was living together. And it turns out, not not right.

No, like it's quite fun, isn't it? But there might be roller skating, but they will be the one percent. Mm, okay. You know? Yeah, the one percent. Goddamn one percent. And you realize, It's like, oh, life is hard. And the rule, not the exception. That's the thing, that's what growing older is about, go like, oh, yeah, they're all like,

I thought I was the exception to every single rule, but actually there's a reason that they're called exceptions. You'll be exception to maybe a few rules, but not all of them. That's so wise, D.B. Oh, my God, thank you. That's so wise. Some things won't apply to you, but in general, it will. And that's okay.

I like, you know, when you're young and you go to weddings and people talk about, like, you know, somebody will say, like, you know, marriage is hard. and it takes, you know, a lot of time and compromise and love and someone makes like a weird like mother-in-law joke. And your mother-in-law's shit. Yeah, and your mother-in-law's shit, of course. There she is, Janet.

Being shit. Shit again at this wedding. And then I was always like, how can it be tough? You just live with someone that you fancy. Like, and then you roll a skate. Yeah, but it turns out, you know, it's a, it's another, totally another human being who has a whole different set of ideals, you know. Anyway, the point is, it's totally achievable.

achievable, right? It's totally achievable and I think a lot of people are doing it or considering it or cresting into it or thinking about it or... Before we get into it though, what's your adult thing? Mine is that I've just sent a postcard to my grandparents. But on Touchnote, which I maybe have talked about in the past, Touchnote is an app on your telephone communication device and it sends postcards of your photographs. That's so nice. Yeah, so you pay like five pounds and that gives I think five, that seems reasonable, five postcards. That's the crucial thing here. Whatever seems reasonable?

Not what it is. Yeah. We don't know if it's five pounds, but test of things it seems reasonable, so I guess we'll say it's five for five pounds. It's not a lot that if you were going away, traveling, or even if you aren't, you can buy yourself, you know, £10 worth of credits and not think about it. And then when you've taken a nice picture,

it's so nice to do and easily accessible. And then you can add text to the front of your image. And then it's, when you press next so that you're ready, you can design your own stamp. Oh my God, right. I'd have an app that was just stamp designing so I'm so on board. Right, so that bit is obviously the best bit.

Yes. Then you add the address, of course, not to surprise anyone, but they're boring. And then you can write your message. Wow. Write the postcard. Anyway, I love it. And also it makes you do it so quickly and you're like,

oh, I feel great. And I think it's nice to receive, I mean, it's nice to receive something in the post. Obviously, sorry, wherever you are in the world, they send it from that country. Oh, cool. there and you don't pay the international travel or whatever. Oh my God. It sounds like a great app.

Yeah, it's fantastic. It's called Touch Note. I got it because, hello, Fraser. He went cycling around America and he used to send us postcards from every like leg of his thing. And they were pictures of him cycling. Oh, that is nice. So the images were generally very similar because they were a man on a bike. They were a man on a bike with slightly different backgrounds.

That's okay. But they were lovely to hear about and get a picture in the post. It was delicious. Anyway, so that's my adult. Mine's also like a buying thing. So capitalism has really been the theme of this one. Hello. I found my cleanser.

Wow. I know that you're not like a very producty face woman. Like you have a face and I've seen you use the odd product. But you don't strike me as someone that would really feel that in the heart. I've like a lot of years. You think you've found your cleanser and then your face breaks out or it's a bit dry but you're like, well I guess this is all I deserve. A lot of that. Not all I deserve, obviously I've got a bit farther,

but I mean, like, you go like, well, I guess this is as good as cleansers get. And then you never know whether to try a new one, because you're like, well, this one's all right. I've had a lot of time with the cleansers. Found a cleanser that I just, I have it now, and that's mine. The raw downsides to the cleanser. I will say that it is. Okay. And the downsides are not anything to do with the actual cleanser.

It's great. It's called Ultra bland, and it's by Losh. And this is not a sponsored spot. It's just like, I went to Losh, and I saw, because I have really sensitive skin. And it was called it was called. like ultra bland for people that literally can't use anything. I was like, well, that sounds good. You're a bland boy?

I've got bland skin. I'll prove how much it's not sponsored it is. I can't go in lush because of the smell. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, this has no smell. Though Lush, if you would like to sponsor us, do get on board and I will get over my smell issue. I love you. I love you, lush.

And also I'm giving you so much money because the odour is so pundered. Then also there's so much stuff you don't know where to go. And then the third layer that you have to get through is the sheer amount of lush employees asking whether they can help you. Put on your face, and then you have to get it off with a hot flannel. Now, the two downsides

that I've discovered, which I'm going to live with because it's the only time that doesn't drive my skin out. Two downsides are, one, very anxious about my flannel all the time. Is my flannel dirty? So I'm like, oh,

well, now I've got to launder my flannel a lot. So I've bought quite a lot of flannels. Okay. Like 50 flannels. Right. And it's sort of like a one-in-one-out system. I don't know how sustainable that is. Second thing really killed me

was that when I bought it, I brought it in Edinburgh, in Bonnie Scotland. And it was £13 for what I'd say is not that much. And I was like, wow, okay, it's really expensive. Okay, well, 13 pounds, I don't know. Got to London, it's now £17.50. Gosh.

And that is too much for a cleanser. But because it's so good, so I'm just going to be sad about my flannels and about the price, but happy about my face. Well, you look radiant. Thank you. But I thought I was very adult that you just have a cleanser that I use to completion,

and then I finish the cleanser, and then I buy a new one rather than constantly sort of like, I have like, like, I don't know, I don't like that, then I don't like that. Got excited and just bought another. Yes. That's well done. Thank you.

Maybe try and look on, like, eBay and things and see if it's there. Yeah, I might do. To buy a cheaper one. Yeah. I've, um, I realized if I may, why I don't like the smell. Yes. It really, a surface is a memory. Oh my God.

That an ex-boyfriend had bought me, what he'd obviously gone in and just said, like, at Christmas, he'd gone, like, got a girlfriend. A woman thing? Woman. And they'd made this, like, horrible gift box. Oh, yeah. Of women, like pink, women.

Bath bombs. And it might as well, he might as well just handed it to me and be like, I don't know who you are. And I think we shouldn't be in this relationship, which we remained in for many more years. But it sat on top of the toilet in the bathroom, in its gift box unused for,

oh, two years. Wow. So therefore, it was a constant reminder. He didn't know you. That he didn't know me. I think you'd like, because you like sort of things that are other things. There's lots of, like, fun things in there.

The exception to that rule. and we have discussed them is anything that goes away. So bath bombs. Bath bombs. It does go away. So a pair of scissors that looks like a badger, my dream. Fine. A bath bomb that looks like a cupcake, my nightmare.

I've got a candle that looks like a hippo, a hellscape. What can I, what can I do with that? It's purpose can never, every time I use the badger scissors, it's like I'm, he's doing his job. This is my thing. The hippo candle. It'll just be a melting sad hippo. You'll watch the hippo die.

to see his, to be used finally to fulfill his purpose, it must be death. Oh, God. Can you imagine? Wow. Got a lot to unpack here. But we won't do it now. No, not the time. Because you're too busy on packing because you just moved in with your partner.

There she is. I've been waiting. I would say a year to be able to do a link that was that smooth. That was fan-tastic. Thank you. I'm absolutely thrilled. So I feel like there's loads of articles that are like 10 ways to know it's time to move in together. and all of those articles are pointless because they don't know you and they don't know the person and I think there are like certain things that you can be like fairly confident in because of

you got and I think you know in your gut whether it's the right thing to do and the other way that you could know is that if all your friends are telling you not to then maybe don't because I think your friends know you very well and there are lots of. of like, you know, there are lots of instances that you read about and also friends, I've been in relationships that have been very difficult, but that whole thing that we learn, we're like, marriage is difficult, relationships are difficult, and they can be very up and down and very dramatic, and maybe there was some cheating scandals or something, but then it's all okay now, and now we're going to live together, and it's like, oh, oh, you probably

should live together when you've got to the point where it's like you feel like you're in a very stable, there's no drama relationship. Yes. Because you're about to go into a situation where you're very living in close quarters that if there is drama, that drama will be going through the roof, baby girl, or baby boy? Yeah, it's obviously the nicest if you are both like, shall we move in together and then you both find a place together. But also people have done it through financial crisis. People have done it because they, you know, for all kinds of different reasons.

Equally, people I know who've known each other such a small amount of time said they were moving in together. And I was like, I believing myself to be a 23-year-old savant, was like, oh, no, a terrible choice. And they're happily married. So my point is like, if it feels right in your gut, go for it. And, you know, just don't get yourself. This is why I was going to say, start with the lease. I was going to say, like, make sure it's a like six-month break clause. Very good.

And you're like, if this turns out to be a disaster, six months is neither here nor there. Yeah. And we'll sort this out, you know? Yes, that's a good idea. Do not buy a house together as your opening move. Like, you know, baby steps and like get that six-month break clause. The first year is basically you both walking around a flight going like, I did not know you did that.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay. Okay. That's interesting. I do think it's not something to put off because you're frightened. When I moved in with my partner, there was a conversation about how, you know, like, well, what if we're having a nice time?

What if moving in, you know, makes it not a nice time? which I think is a very common concern. But my point was, which I think is the right point and became the right point, which is that, well, by not knowing the relationship was not going to progress any further. Because if you can't live together, you'll know within six months with your handy break clause. And then do we think that is a long-term relationship?

So you'll know either way. And so there's no reason to not do something because you're like, well, what if it disrupts this fun sort of phase renown? It's like, yes, but it will just be fun. and I don't have to carry pants around in my bag all the time, you know, or you're not, like, stranded at some sort of station waiting for me to finish work so you can come around. Like, you know, like, kind of horrible, like, when you're...

It moves out, the transition from, like, because then it's like, oh, I'm seeing him on they, on Tuesday, whoever they are. And then it's you, you, when you are their plan for the evening. But then it transitions to be like, can I come around tonight? And they're like, yes, I'm out, but the keys under the mat or, like, one of the boys will let you in. And then that transition moment, is like, oh, I'm just a...

Well, exactly, we've got here. Yeah, might as well. If it's like waiting... If you're waiting in the pub around the corner, you know, to be let in or whatever, then it's moved away from being like, this date was the whole activity, and now you're just like amably spending time together.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And it can be really frustrating when you're not living together in a relationship, because you are constantly being like, I used to have a horrible feeling of like, when I'm going to be like, okay, so when are we next three? And then it wouldn't be like, for the five days or something. You're like, oh, all this is.

was rubbish and then you're like oh this is shit and then the great thing obviously is then you don't have to have this conversation you are just like able to hang out all the time and that is really fun but it also yeah it can be quite make or break and it is quite scary because you're like well what if we won't work together when we move in well if you don't work together when you move in then that's sad but it's it wasn't meant to be it wasn't meant to be you can work on it like so if you're not natural bedfellows house fellows if it's a little bit thorny or it's a little bit difficult in the first few weeks that that also doesn't mean like oh we can't live together so What a shame.

Like, you just have to, I think the thing about relationships is that you have to consistently be working through things. And every time you work through something and you're still together and it's still okay, it's like better. So each time that's what you're trying to. Whereas if you fall at the first hurdle, it's like, would we've been able to have coped when there's like a massive life thing? Maybe not. Exactly. So you've, you're brave, you're bold, you're going in because why the hell not? You're in there.

You found a place together, ideally. but perhaps they're just moving in and you've got your nice six months time schedule on there that's like hey no harm no foul if we need to get out of this situation. Okay, we'll begin if we begin in the bedroom. Let's begin with the bed. Because a thing that does not occur to people

and that you don't realize again because you're obsessed with the rollerblading and the wearing a white shirt, a white man's shirt. White man's shirt. And then just the linen is so crisp and clean. Just padding around the room. Just padding about. Because you're so obsessed with that.

You've forgotten to really. that moving in with somebody means that now you have a bedtime. And now you are bound by someone else's desire to go to bed. And sometimes you would like to watch Love Island while eating a large lamb shish kebab. In bed. In bed. Yes. With the lights on.

Oh, yeah. And have a fanta fruit twist. Yes, loudly. Nude. Who's to say what you want to do? That's just a thing I did last year. I remember. And I remember thinking, delicious.

It's just the freedom. I just remember thinking like, this is particularly feral of me. There was so much meat on the bed. Anyway, not the point. The point is that like those sort of things, you'd be like, oh, yeah. Not that you wanted to eat meat on the bed every single night, but you're like, oh, maybe I can't do that thing anymore. Can't eat meat on my bed?

Well, these are the big issues. And then your partner, whoever is pleasantly sleeping in the bed, like a normal person, will become the source of your, like, why can't I eat the meat? you know right that you're like oh we have to compromise about like how the sleeping is going to happen because again you're you think that living with a partner is just like loving you're in constant spooning and you go to bed now and you go to bed together and then you lie together talking about ideas whereas really the like day-to-day reality is you want to eat the meat and then sleep like a starfish you resent them and they're in your bed as opposed to being like this is our bed you're like why you're in my bed

Yes, and I have a friend who had the ultimate of that where he moved in and she goes to bed fairly early, gets up at like six and goes either to the gym or she runs to work. And that's like a thing that keeps her sane, keeps it healthy, she's always done it. And suddenly then she was like, it's actually really hard getting out of bed with someone else in the bed. And you're excitedly moved. And now I've kind of, my routine has been sort of lost a little bit and I want to go to bed at 10 and he wants to stay up and watch a film. and he's like, why are you going to bed and we're having like tensions about it? And I really felt for her because me and my boyfriend had very similar routines.

But at the same time, yeah, it is frustrating when you want to go to bed early and he doesn't. Well, the TV's on, you're just aware that the other person is up and you're asleep. It's quite hard to like to go to sleep. And there's so many different things to that. Like, they like the window open. You like it closed. My main thing was I suddenly realized when I moved in with somebody else and I was sleeping in a bed with somebody every single night. that I do not sleep well in a bed with somebody.

And I was actually surviving sleep-wise on the good sleeps I was having on my own. So, like, if it was like three nights a week, I'd be like, I'm having three nights and I'm having three nights and I was like banging sleep a week. And that's okay because when he's, I wasn't thinking that at the time. But the thing is, is that it all, it gets better. Like, also your, your brain starts to kind of readjust without you having to do pretty much anything, which that's the base level thing. But also, that's okay.

and there are things that you can always do. Obviously, there's a million different problems that need lots of different solutions, and it depends who you are. So I can't be like, so do this and this and this and this because it depends what you like and what you don't and what your current situation is. But for example, I bought a really, really good sleep mask

and really good earplugs, and we have a Eve mattress, which means that when one of us wants to get up and out, like, I'm not flying up in the air, which is what we used to do on the shit mattress. Also, we have a really small bed, and the next thing is I'm going to buy like a fucking massive bed. So that I can stretch out and not, and he doesn't feel like I'm constantly being like, can you please give me my space?

And why I'm in by that is all of the space of the bed. I think number one is get a good mattress. Any of those ones that are constantly advertised, those new foam memory mattresses that have the 100-night trial. They're really expensive. But they're not to someone the cheaper. They are always having sales. So whatever the month is, they'll definitely be like, it'll be called like February,

fiasco. Bad, bad, bad marketing. Bed Bonanza. That's much better. You need to get on the marketing team and I'll step back. There's always some kind of deal and discount. They do those 100 day trials and then you take them back again. So you could hypothetically. Exactly. It'll be even though like, oh, we haven't got that kind of money. It will be the best investment. Get the largest thing you have. Like even if you're like, the room won't fit a king. Like, well, I'm going to be. Get that king in. Get the king.

You're going to be sleeping in that room together more than you're going to be walking around with your arms out. If you're like, what about my velvet chair? Where will I put? that get it out get it out get it burn it i'd say set fire to that because in the middle of the right when you can't move you will want to burn your share yeah like so it's worth doing it now like where will i put my shells like put them compromise like find a different place for the shelves like work out most it's so important get the most get the best get the best one you can afford you're splitting the difference it's splitting the cost of it and uh get as big as bigger boy as you can possibly go biggest chonkiest bed boy and then and this comes directly to you from the swiss to duvets to duvets

I still haven't done this because my bed's too small but I can't wait for the moment that that happens because that is so good. Two do-dos is a mind-blowing transformation. You can have one big throat put over if you want it to look nice. Absolutely. Fine. But when the lights go off, all bets are off

and the do-bos are coming off as well. Then if you want to sleep under a tiny thin rag and your partner wants to sleep under like a weighted blanket or whatever, then here's yours and here's theirs. And if you're like, but how sad? Like, oh. It's not sad. You're still in the same bed.

They sleep in separate rooms. Like, again, as a child, like, we were really sold this, like, oh, apparently Charlotte's parents sleep in separate rooms. And now I'm like, thrilled and happy to do together. And now I'm like, Charlotte's parents have smashed it. Like, that's odd. I've got a friend who's getting married and they have a spare room with a bed in it. Yeah. She's like, and this is for when I get too hot.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, have a bed for when you get too hot. It doesn't have great. Like, I remember my friend Alice when we were like in year eight was like, how weird is it that like grownups share a bed? And we were all like, mm-hmm. But like, we've never really thought about it. And she was like, but why? And we were like, I don't know, Alice, because we were like, sex, I guess.

Oh, right. Sorry. Yeah, sorry. Well, we were year eight. Love and commitment. We just knew sex happened in beds. And then the more I think about it, the more we're like, why? Yes.

It's not compulsory. And I guess the answer is like money and space. They're like, if you can share one bedroom, then you've got other rooms in the house free. But I'm like, fill everyone with beds. Every room you've got, put a bed. Also the kind of socializing of like what romance is. Yes. With your beds, how will you have sex?

what's going to happen we're just probably just get into the same bed to do that or you do it somewhere else do you know what I mean like how possibly could you it's a really like we've really been

we're really swallowing down the narrative of like separate rooms because Helenne Bonham Carter and Richard Burton Tim Burton is that right yes oh dear

had separate houses and a tunnel but then they did get divorced but then they did get divorced so in all aspects that wasn't a great anecdote but also I see why you went there but I suppose what we're saying

is if you get in a bed great make it the best to bed you possibly can because that is actually the point where quite a lot of contention can happen physically. The other thing, I think a big thing is household chores, but I think that's also, we did want about how to be a good flatmate, a good, at a Pocke's episode.

I think all of those things apply because you are basically moving in with one flatmate and those things like you'll find out, for example, you'll find out that whenever you load the dishwasher, he just likes to rearrange it. And then it becomes a funny thing, say. But there'll be little things like that that you'll be like, okay, well, I do the bathroom, he does the kitchen. But I think lots of people are like, we don't need to have a sit down and to talk about that.

Because that's not romance, we'll be too busy rollerblading. Rollerblading, exactly. On a giant bed. But actually, you do need to talk about that because the only way it will come up is through like bickering. And being like, well, why are you doing that? It's like, well, why didn't we just sit down and go, okay, I'll Hoover, you do that. And those can be our jobs. And it is, it is 100%.

And also, as you said, now it's the thing. we can laugh about, like being able to laugh about the foibles. Oh, yes. Laughing your way through the floors is the only way. Oh, floors are hysterical unless I'm mine and I'm furious. Yeah. But the more that you can like find a gentle teasing, uh, laughing your way through, you know. Yes, absolutely.

Then that's going to be your, that's going to be make or break. And also I think it is tricky if we sat down together you and I and we're like, how shall we live together? We would divide up the jobs. But would we? Yes. I think we'd be, I think it would be tricky without having a practice go. Well, no, I think, yeah, I don't think it's like, before you move in, it's like, right, well, who will hoover?

Yeah. I think it's just when you're in the house and like the first few weeks or whatever, when, and it will just slowly start to be like, well, they seem to be doing, like, some people just settle into doing more chores. And some people, like me, are a lazy horrible girl. And then the lazy horrible girl has to be like, oh, I see, that's not good. I won't think to do anything ever because I'm out more or, I don't know, like, for whatever reason. And then it's up. And then there comes a point when it's like, okay. I think the easiest thing is I'll just do that.

That could be my thing and that can be my thing. So then the other person isn't constantly being like, can you please do that? Yes. I don't mean that also you might be moving in and being like, actually we tend to just sort of happened evenly and that's great. Perfect. Well done you guys.

Well done you guys. But it's just... Good for you. I'm just, it's just a nice... It's just like a good thing to have in mind. It's so important to talk it out because here's a nice analogy. It should be like discussions in the relationship and these things should be like an earthquake, but a gentle earthquake, a one on the Richter scale.

That's just like a gentle tremor of like, we're just releasing some pressure and some tension because some gas, some gas, which will also be an issue in the house, but we're just releasing some gas so that in this gentle Richter scale one, I actually know how the Richter scale works, so I hope that's low earthquake, so it does not become a volcano. Are the two connected? No. Are they in this analogy? Yes. They're like if you can just generally release some steam, and discuss the dishwasher or whatever in a nice, calm, open way that's like, this really upsets me.

Okay, well, I'd like to do it. Okay, well, fine. You know, it will stop being something that you just swallow down and swallow down and swallow down until you explode for no reason at a totally separate event. Yes. And you scream about the dishwasher and everyone's like, where did this come from?

And it had just been building up inside you. Any flatmates, and whenever you talk about people having problems with their flatmates, it's always because they're not communicating properly. It's always a passive aggressive post-it note. or a text or all of this shit. Yeah. I think that will just always happen in life

that there'll be things that come up and it's like, is this about the dishwasher or is this for something else? It's like, something else. Yeah, something else. Always. Yeah, exactly. That's why I suppose I was like,

dividing the jobs is boring but it sort of cuts it off at the past. Absolutely. Cut it off at the past. Now we're not bothering. I really love that I use that phrase. It's so powerful. You've done so many good phrases today.

And that's number tip. Number five is constantly congratulate and boost up your partner. Oh, that's really. We go. Another thing, you know, when I moved in with my boyfriend, there was lots of like, we're going to have to make sure you have, like, date night. You're going to really, because you're going to take each other for granted. You're going to take it. It's like, oh, God, Jesus Christ. I can definitely see how it. How it happens.

It's very easy to only bring up something when it's like, oh, can you do that or like, oh, you haven't done that? Or like, oh, you haven't done that or like as a joke or whatever, even if it's nice, and not to be like, thanks so much for unloading the dishwasher. Yes. Thanks so much for, do, oh, did you hang up for laundry? That was really nice. And after like, you know, a couple of years, there'll be certain things that your partner does that they do really regularly. Like they always hang up your socks or something and they just always do it. And you then stop thanking them because it's like, well, that's what they always do.

And I always do nice things for them too. So why should I say, always check yourself. And I think you're right, complimenting people and remembering that they are your partner. They're not just some sort of person that you live with. Do you make sure that you're constantly, you've always got something in the diary that both of you are doing together, not he's not coming along to hang out with all your mates. Yeah. She's not going to,

because it'll be so easy to be like, we spent time together. We went to, he came to my work event or they came to my thing. You're like, no, no, no, what did you two do together?

Yeah, and there's nothing nicer than when someone messaged you with like a thing that you like, like, I don't know, an exhibition or your favourite band is playing or whatever. And they're like, oh, this is on, do you want to go?

Like, should you go? And it's like, oh, they've thought about something specific to me. It's not just a lush bath bomb. It's like, Thank you. Man, if you're not doing that back, make sure that you're doing that too. Even if it's like you can't afford, because you don't have money and that's really hard, like you're going to cook like a special meal indoors or you're going to like binge watch things.

I went to a wedding a little while ago where they said they didn't have any money when they first started going out. So they would buy some snacks and sit on the front seats of the double deck of bus at the top and just ride it around. Oh my God, that's so cute. I thought it was such a sweet thing to do. So yeah, make that time, make that time. And then my last couple of things are the money. Obviously that will be an earthquake volcano issue. It will, especially when you go in knowing that, for example, I don't know, they earn more than you or you earn more than them, that's really easy.

There's no way. Unless you are twins, you're definitely making different amounts of money. And so if you decide to whatever decision you make about whether you're going to split the rent right down the middle or one partner who makes more money is going to pay a bit more, it will always be there as this like issue. So make sure you get it all out and you talk about it. Otherwise, even if you're like, oh, I make more money. I'm thrilled to pay more rent. It will still be at the, it will be bubbling there at the forefront of any argument

to you to be like, there will be about something totally different and you'll shout like, what I pay? I pay the rent. And everyone's like, what are you talking about? Is this about the rent or is it about something?

Don't pay more. So it's something more, isn't it? It's about the dishwasher, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Even if you're on the receiving end of that and paying it. It can be really hard. You are like, I don't want to be the, I don't want to be,

I'm not a charity. I don't want to be a charity. Yeah, I don't want to be. Or sometimes of time as well. So if one of you, so if somebody spends a significant amount of time, more time in the flat than the other one. So if one of them, I don't know, has like a 9 to 5 job and the other one doesn't, then that also has to be talked about and discussed because it's like, well, there's that thing of like, well, you're at home so you should be doing all the stuff, you know? It's like, no, I'm working from home. And then the last thing is about, it's the discovery of like you've been used to decorating your own bedroom since you, however old you were when you stopped.

having to live with your siblings or whatever age in your life you first got your first bedroom. And now you have to go back to sharing a bedroom. Oh my God, yeah. And you're like, but all my stuff, I want to do this, this, this, this, this, this. They buy a shit lamp and then you're like, use the lamp and you're like, I hate the lamp. Whenever I look at the lamp, I'm like, I hate, but then this is a thing. That's, you learn so quickly to be like, do I care enough about the lamp? For example, that maybe my boyfriend's bought a lamp that I don't like.

Who's to say? Who's to say that did happen. But I was like, I don't understand it. And then you're allowed one, like, jokey comment of, and you thought that was aesthetically pleasing, did you? And then you're not allowed anymore. And then that's fine. Does he know that you don't like the lamp?

Absolutely, because I said, do you think that's a good lamp to look at? And he said, sure. And I said, okay. And then he knows, and then we make jokes about how I hate the lamp. And now I've been like, actually, I'm kind of friends with the lamp. It's just so white and like a spaceship. And it's not, I'm very much Gryffindore Common. room, he's very much a spaceship. Yes. And we've had to smash together our various

decorations. And to me honest, it's actually really nice because you start to kind of go like, yeah, what you've got there, I would never have that. That's mental. But it's yours. So that's nice, because it's our house. It's not my house. But met all together and I learn to the fact that somebody has gone like, if I'm looking at, say, a lamp and six months in and I'm still like, oh, fucking lamp, it's not the lamp, is it? Because it's just a lamp. You're worried, you're upset about something else. You're upset about them encroaching another It's the lack of control of being like, it's nothing to do with this lamp. The poor lamp did nothing.

It's you being like, I don't want you to place lamps in my living room. Remember it's not my living room. It's our living room. So that's some things you've got to work through. And I think you're constantly asking yourself, is it about this or is about something else? Exactly. And is it you freaking out of being like, well, I'll have to live with this lamp forever. You're like, no.

It's just a lamp. It's just a lamp. And also if it brings down a lot of joy, then like, it's just a lamp. And as long as you do exactly what Stevie did. And she's an absolute bastion. A beacon. A beacon to us all showing us the way that you said, oh, and you think that's a nice lamp, do you? Literally.

You got it out of the way with a nice, a soft gag. A soft gag. And you establish straight away your actual feelings on the lamp because if you say, oh, that's nice. Then he'll buy me a lamp. Exactly. So you must not lie about your taste, which is such an easy thing to do in the beginning because they're excited to get you something and you don't want to be like, oh no, that's horrid. And you're covered in lamps that you don't like. But you've got to just be clear about what your real taste is and not.

to allow and to like gently gently ease the compromise round. Yeah. And also it's all talking about all these things about oh god you've got to do this and also it's very fun. It's a very nice thing to do and it's a very grown up thing to do. It's the most adult thing you'll do. Yeah, maybe ever. Yeah. This is in the top five five adult things. I think so. And it's really massive

and I think everyone's just pointing out the icebergs but ultimately there's a lot of sea out there. So much lovely sea and lovely whales in the sea. There's so much to see and do and don't just freak out because there are some icebergs. which are there, but like, we're pointing them out. So just sail over here where there's dolphins and things. It's an exciting, amazing thing and really cool that you're doing it. So don't let yourself be freaked out. Just go in confidently knowing your boundaries, knowing you're being ready for the bedtime.

Talking. Talking. Oh, isn't everything just communicate. It's all communications or perspective. That's basically every single problem. It's either you've got, you need to change your perspective or you need to communicate better. And you need to say to yourself, is this about the lamp? Is this about the lamp or is this about the dishwasher?

Or neither. That was helpful for me. And I think... That was very helpful for me. And I talk about this all the time, but Anna Bruce in year seven, in my very first day in year seven at secondary school, they made a sit in alphabetical order. And I had to sit next to Anna Bruce. Really nice. But I cried because I was like, well, this is it. I have to sit with Anna Bruce forever, you know? And it was nothing to do with Anna Bruce, who I maintain. And I would like it known on record is nice. It was to do with being the control, the lack of control and being like, this is it now for the rest of your next seven years. Whereas of course the alphabetical order system collapsed immediately.

And of course, you didn't have to sit with everybody. And so it's not really about Anna Bruce. Anna Bruce is sat here right now. She's with us now, of course. Does it have to sit next to her for a whole life. Of course, it's being like, it's the lack of control in your life, which I think is the older you get, the more that you're like, oh my, oh my God. But you can still have control over your life and you're moving with someone.

It's just, you just have control over your life and then responsibility to be nice to someone else as well. Like I'm still in full control of my life. If anything, my life has got better since moving in with my boyfriend because he's brought elements of his personality, which I don't possess. And we sort of fill each of those gaps, which I think is very useful. So, night, yin and yang. You're sharing a life together without losing a part of yourself to be part of their self.

You're just like, now you're two full selves striding out into the sea. Oh, my God. That's what we're doing. Looking for ice birds, but ultimately, like, looking for adventure. Oh, my God. It's an exciting thing to do. Thank you so much for... Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for listening. Do if you are living with somebody or you're about to do it or you've got a friend who's going to. A friend who's done it or you, you know, do get in touch. Tell us your top tips. And tweet us at Nobody Panic Pod or me at CVM. Yes, as a 5.

Me at Tessicoats. Yeah, and have a very nice week. And remember that life is exciting and you can do it. And see. And also to see. Bye-bye.