Nobody Panic - How to Pass your Theory Test

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

Stevie recently passed and has many thoughts. Tessa passed a couple of decades ago before there was an app. If you’ve been putting off booking your theory test because you’re worried about failing, or have it looming in a few weeks, this is the episode for you.Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The date is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace. It's coming to London. True on Saturday the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September at King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. This test has 50 questions. You need to get 43 correct to pass. You have 57 minutes to do it. Why not 60 minutes? We will never know. I feel sick. Start test.

Yeah, start test. Welcome to... So I've got to tie my hair up. I feel so hot. That's part of the test. You've just failed. Oh, gosh. Because I've put time my hair up.

Yes. Welcome to Nobody Panic. Each week we do a how-to. I'm Stevie. Tessa is over there sweating. Today is how to pass your practice theory test. Because spoiler alert, bitches. are passed. Yeah, boy.

Yes, boy. Yes, boy. But I'm really genuinely very excited for you. I'm proud. I'm really proud. I was very proud. I was very nervous. And, yeah, I'm looking forward to passing on my pearls to those people who maybe are thinking, I'm not set up for doing the sort of theory tested. Is it like a school exam? Is it like, oh my gosh, yes. But also there are ways. There are ways. I'm really, really excited.

I realize now you're talking about pearls of wisdom and not just like your jewelry. Yeah, I don't know in pearls. I can't wait to pass on my pearls. I was like, gosh. That's part of the theory test. You then pass over pearls. You have to work out your inheritance plan

who will inherit the pearls. That's between, yeah. Anyway, I'm really, really proud of you. I, of course, um... You passed with flying colors. No, no, I failed. Right. So, so I'm set...

I forgot. Yeah, yeah. Oh, because, wasn't it? Oh, yeah, we've talked about this. Was it, has a perception. I failed to have a perception and the quiz, though. Got it. So, anyway, so well done.

Great. How do you feel? Pretty good. Relieved. Really relieved. That it won't be hard to beat me at your driving test because you've got a failed theory and you've already smashed it and then you've got five goes. It's not about beating.

And that is actually, when I've passed in a year and a half, no, I've got to, because I actually take so much comfort and cling so hard to the fact. that people have failed because it makes me feel so much less pressured. The most intelligent people I know. Like, it's not about being good or intelligent. The theory test is about whether you know how to work and do that theory test. It's not a test of intelligence. It's not a test of knowledge.

It's literally just like, can you, because there has a perception. It's not about actually perceiving hazard. You've got to time it so that you do it when the program thinks you should click. That's the thing. As we've talked about with exams and all stuff in the past, it's rarely a test of your actual ability and it's a test of how good you are at tests. Absolutely.

I did very well on my theory test, and when I got in the car, I like immediately nearly into pedestrian and run a red light. And the guy was like, so red light means, I was like, I know. Or like the signs. I'm like, I know all of the signs. But when I look at them when I'm driving,

I'm like, of course. It's so hard. It's not. And that never even goes away. got in somebody's car the other day and they, stranger on the street popped in, how are you doing? What does the red light mean? No, somebody was driving me and they just were driving, they were driving badly, but they were so tense,

almost like went up and over around about like, just like missed all these turnings. And they just kept me like, I'm a really good driver. I'm so sorry. And I was like, please, please, please. I was like, I'll shut my eyes because it, you just, as soon someone else gets in the car, you're suddenly just like, all the windshield wipers are on. You don't remember what the clutch is. You're just like, there's so much pressure all the time.

So much pressure. And so, yeah, everybody feels the same. Felt even more pressure, weirdly, because it's the, I don't know, if you're anything like me, I didn't, I've never driven at all. It's amazing how rare that is. So many people have like, oh yeah, I've driven, but like I've never, like, I'm so scared. But I've never been in the seat of a driving seat. What do you mean?

What do you mean people have driven? So many people, so like my partner, he drove a bit, drove a bit in Paris. He said, yeah, had a few lessons. It didn't pass. Drove a bit. Drove a bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah, drove it. My sister, she'd driven around a car park for fun in Australia.

Like, that's a thing. Like, they practiced a bit before they had the lessons. Gina had driven for, like, 10 hours with her partner before she had a lesson. So I didn't, I've done anything. And so the theory test was really scary. And actually, weirdly, it took so long to just, like, book it and know what order to do everything. And everyone has different, you know, oh, well, you should book your lesson. and then you book your theory tests.

And I was like, well, no, I don't want to do that because I don't have the pressure. Or, like, go through a national intent. I went through an agency called National Intensive. I wouldn't recommend it. But they, it helped me because it was like, they give you the order of everything to do. And then they, like, text you to remind you and say, like, okay, it's time to book this. Okay, are you halfway through your lessons? Okay, you tell us when you press your theories.

You're like, oh, good, like, this is like an adult dealing with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just pay twice the amount that you should. Sure, sure, sure. they're also quite bad. But yeah, I was so scared of it. Now it seems so like, well, that was the, it's easy. Like, it's not really relevant to driving.

But the idea of facts, learning it and regurgitating it, it took me ages to get up the courage to book it and go, okay, and I booked it for like a week's time. And everyone was like, oh, I think you should not do that. So I moved it. So I had two weeks. And also just like, yeah, what app to download? You look at the highway code.

And it's like, it's so long. There's loads of things like that that I just found like it very overwhelming, but it's counterintuitive. But then when you realise that, you're like, okay, I just, I'll do the things that you want me to do. I'd like to, can I have question one, please, just to pet me up? Why should you allow extra room while overtaking a motorcyclist on a windy day? Here are your options. The rider may turn off suddenly to get out of the wind.

The rider may be blown in front of you sexually. The rider may be blown in front of me, non-sexual. The rider may stop suddenly. The rider may be travelling faster than normal. And there's not one like D all of the above. No. So it's a windy day. There's never really D all of the above.

I think that's what you're waiting for. That's probably why you failed. Yeah, that is, yeah. The rider may turn off suddenly. But it's a windy day. It's a windy day. The rider might turn off suddenly to get out of the wind. The rider may be blown in front of you.

The rider may stop suddenly. The rider may be travelling faster than normal. Okay, so this is my main reason I failed and my main issue. All of those things could happen. All of those things could happen. Yes, and that is the essence of the difficulty of the theory test. And that once you accept that with each question, they're basically asking you for like, oh yeah,

but this is the one that obviously tricks the most drivers. And this is the most common thing that could happen. You can then start to like learn it properly. Yeah. So all those things could happen. but there is one that apparently is the one that the driver is not thinking is going to happen. Okay, hang on, right. Hang, I really want to do well. It's not blown sexually.

Okay. Okay. Stopping doesn't feel relevant here because why are we mentioning the wind, nor just turning off particularly. So to me, it's being blown sexually in front of me or non-sexual. Or non-sexual. Or being going faster. So being blown feels logical, but can, can, Can wind be making the motorbike?

We don't know which where the wind's going. So I'm going to go, oh, bloody hell, be, they're blown sexually or non-sexual in front of me. Correct. Shit. Because you are aware, like, you already know, like, if they turn off, like, okay, that's sort of irrelevant to the wind, isn't it? Yeah. You're right. They're not going to be travelling necessarily faster than normal just because it's windy.

But, yeah, big vehicles and motorcyclists are more liable to be blown and cyclists as well. to be blown off course. I have two points before we move on. Yeah. One is that Rupert Murdoch's fourth or fifth wife was called Wendy Deng, famously hit that man with a shoe. Okay, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in the documentary about the Murdoch children, their wedding takes place on a boat and it's incredibly windy. And with absolutely, like, total deadpan, the documentary narrator says, it was a windy day for Wendy Deng. So when you say that when you were talking about that, I just couldn't in my, this is why partly why I failed.

Because me just going like, for Wendy Day. Monday, day. Yeah. Okay. And now we've run out of time. And now we've run out of time. And then bing bing. So when you, on the app there were you practicing and it was already timing you?

Yeah. Oh, Christ. Anyway, in my day, I think it was just my parents at the kitchen table with a stopwatch. Really hard. This is exactly the problem. Yes. with so many things is you're so caught up in the in the absolute fury of being like all of them. Yeah.

Like that's a, I think the issue with this is that you're driving in a holistic and principled level way and why the people fail the clicking pattern thing because you're like every driving is a hazard. Everything is a hazard. This is inane. And yet you're being tested in this very particular way of doing things that feels very counterintuitive to being a human and to being a human driver. And yet you're supposed to like jump through these special little hoops.

Somebody put it in a very helpful way because I got very, the hazard perception was my thing. I really struggled. Nightmarish. It's awful. And also there's not enough mock tests. So once you've done it on the app, the official app, you go online, there's some, they're quite blurry. And then you've done them. So you can't keep practicing new ones because you kind of remember the clips.

Oh, God. I was so angry because I was like, there's no way of me practicing properly now. I've kind of done it to a degree. And I was kind of like failing and then passing and failing and then passing. I was like, oh, God, I'm never going to know. You have to let go. of how inane it is, because when you think about it, you do need to know those things before you get in a car.

Like, there has to be some way of testing. Maybe it was you, which I doubt it was me. There has to be some way of testing. There has to be some way of examining. Otherwise, you'd be getting into a car and the first 20 hours would be your examiner being like, is the rider being blown off sexually? Because you're not going to see all of those.

You're never going to come into contact with every hazard or every situation in your driving lessons. So if something like buries deep into your subconscious, like the rider being blown off, when you're on a motorway, if you've never been on a motorway with a motorcycles in a windy day, now you're going to be like, well, blown off sexually, and you are going to give them more room. So it kind of like they have to test you in some way. And I felt like there's no good way of doing it unless they obviously put more money into it and just like make it so it's like a video game and you're actually like driving proper.

But they're never going to do that because no one's got any money. And when you go into the test, it's like it's so basic. and so like it's like a machine people just like constantly going and causing. I think, yeah, that helped me a bit because it was like, okay, it helped me let go of how not fit for purpose it is. It's not fit for purpose, but this is the system that we have. So there's nothing you can do to change it. So you might as well just learn the clicking pattern and do your best.

And it is helpful in the end because learning that stuff was frustrating in some senses, but a lot of it has gone in and I am sure like, It's kind of like having a little rolladex in your brain that you see and you go like, oh yeah, that was a question on that thing. And like it kind of, you know, it has helped even though I wish that it would have been done in a different way. The apps are fun. That's one thing. Please. So you get to the test centre on the day and I'm going to, we're going to backtrack to the apps thing.

You get to the test centre. What time do you test? At 7.10. Oh, at night? Yeah. Is this thing 24 hours a day in there? I have no idea. But it was 710 and it was full as shit.

Really? Yeah. Weirdly, I was so convinced it was at two and why? I've never told you. You've never told me, but when I was, I was about to be like, what time you test? Two o'clock, of course. If there's one thing I know about Stevie,

is her theory was at two. 7.10 is really surprised. I've been blown off course sexually over here. That is such a surprise that it happens at night. Already I'm reeling. Okay. So you've got, we go to the test centre at 710. In Ilford.

Have you shown up? In Elford. How much does it cost? 23 pounds at the moment. And again, I'd completely convinced it was 37. I thought 30 something. And also as well, it sort of needlessly,

it separates it out. So it's like, your theory test costs a weekday is 23 pounds. Evenings, weekends and bank holidays, 23 pounds. Like, you didn't need to separate out. Like, it's the same.

So. But as I mentioned before, I know. And therein lies. And they're in lies the whole problem. So like, how can you trust these people when they've done that?

Yeah. I was imagining chronology. begin at the test centre, but perhaps we begin. Oh my God. What are you, this is why you fail, isn't it? You do not chronologically begin at the test centre. I thought we do some flashbacks once we got there. There's no flashback.

It's all, it's not, it's almost irrelevant what happens at the test centre. Right, okay. We'll talk about that because I think it's helpful to kind of know. But like at the same time, I'm all in the moment. Yes, I know. Famously. And that's where, Yeah, that's where you can't be if you're listening.

Okay, you got right. So if you're sat here now listening to this podcast going, I've listened, I'm listening to this because I've got my theory test booked for tomorrow. And I want to know how I could, like, too late. Simply go on to the government website. Change your date to two weeks from now. Okay.

All three weeks to give yourself more time. I chose two weeks because I thought that it was the perfect amount of like, ho, ho, I've got to get going. and also enough times that I wasn't going to die. I booked it in a stress on holiday in Fue de Ventura. So it was like, this is fine. Even on holiday, just so I'm calm, I'll download the app that's the revision app, just so I can see the layer of the land and know how much I'm going to be stressed.

Downloaded it. It was like, oh, this looks quite fun. It's like you don't have to, which is what I thought, like read the whole highway code and then like do mock tests and be like, what has it gone in? The app is fully designed to take you through each section and just go through the things you need to know. So basically it's one long mock GCSE paper.

And what's the app called? This is where I fell down. Halfway through, I continued doing it while I was back in England. I was like, this is odd. Like, it's the odd thing. I mean, like, sort of sentence just sort of cuts out there. But I guess. I downloaded, because it was in Spain, technically, a sort of Spanish translated language version of the official one.

Okay. So just make sure you don't do that. It went when I got to England, of course, and I looked up, it was the first one. Not when you're in Spain. No. Or flying over the ocean. No, life is tricky. Or your phone thought you were in Spain and now is in England.

So we're still showing you... Of course. Nothing against the Spanish, of course. What's the name of the app? TV. Okay. It's really simple. It's called official DVSA theory test kit. That's the one you want. 499, flat fee. When you download it, it pops everything in there. It's got like the highway code. It's got the official DVSA theory test kit hazard perception and then it's

also got theory test kit and hazard perception together. All downloads on your phone. And simply, all you do is you follow, you go through each section. and when you've read it gives you little bite-sized things to read and then immediately you can then like test yourself with like 10 questions and when you get to the bottom the last ones that has a perception once you've done that you can do and then then you just start doing your mock your full mock one and basically like if you do it like that and you give yourself like maybe two three days before the test where you're just doing the whole test the mock time test you will pass like if there's no like oh but what you fully will pass and there's no way you're you can't pass. If you've completed that and you can see you've actually done quite well and you've passed your marks, you'll be fine. The problem is you don't do it and it's boring because you're like,

but the apps are fun. The apps are more fun than, you know, what I thought, which was highway code. I don't know, like making notes in a notebook and then, or like you say,

your mum and dad testing you with a stopwatch. Like the app is just like crucial and they know that it's hard. So it just got to download the right app, number one, don't be in Spain. Number two, Number two, give yourself the amount of time, break it out. Two categories a day is probably enough.

That's probably like an hour a day. When you're doing each category, it will ask you essentially the same question in slightly different wording. So many times that when it then comes up to the test, you're like, no, it's the rider being blown off, of course, because you know the key words to look out for. It's still complicated.

And like it will still, I was really worried that when I got into the test, it wouldn't be like the app. And they would have tricked me and, like, reworded all the stuff and I would have to, but they don't. Like, the test wording is exactly the same as all of the practice questions and the mock tests that you do. Does the mock exam on the app constantly redate, like, re, if you did it, if I did one and then I was like, I want to go of another go, it's not the same mock. It's like constantly gives me new questions. No, it's different. Yeah,

because there's like, you know, about a thousand questions and all the categories when you go through, there's so many more questions than come up on the, on the mock. So, So, yeah, it's a different 40, was it, 40, those 52 questions. 50 questions in 57 minutes. 50 questions in 57 minutes. You have to get 43, right. Baffling. Baffling.

But it's a different 50 questions, yeah, each time. Has a perception is tricky because there's obviously not as many practices. But if you do a lot of Googling, you basically, there's like so many that look like they're different, but they're just the same government one. The government have got like three clips and they're just like all over the internet. But you can, if you keep looking, there'll be some, there are some, there are some websites that look like they've been made in the 90s, which they probably have been, are really riddled with viruses, worth it.

I found maybe three full tests that you can do. And once you've done them after a few days, you can kind of go back and redo them maybe once. And then you've done six tests. The first time you do it, it will drop, you'll be like, what? Like, I saw, like, the first of I did it, I clicked every single time I saw anything, because they didn't sound. Because you're not clicking when you see a hazard. You're meant to click when the potential.

hazard develops into an actual hazard. So, you know, oh, look, a car's turning and it doesn't do anything. You're like, fine. So when the car turns, and then it kind of goes in front of you. So that's why you kind of, and you have to slow down. So you're basically trying to click a few seconds before the video is going to slow down for the hazard, which is impossible to know. Like, it's so hard.

But once you do enough of them, let's try and click at the right time, just like a second later. And click three times so that you've definitely got it with it. in the little window that they want you to click. And the main thing is, if you click constantly, all through the video, they will fail you because they'll think that you are AI. But if you can get through that, you can do as many as you can, and you can just be like, okay, I'm going to click three times when I,

the moment, I know it's going to be like a fast car in my vision coming in here, or a pedestrian or I think. That's the least intuitive and the most frustrating part of it. But like, you just have to take it. You take it. Take it like a man. Take it on the chin. Just take it like a champ.

and be like, and know two things at the same time. This is stupid and you have to do it. And practice it on your laptop rather than your phone because you won't be doing it on your phone and you need to know how it feels like. It's like an old-fashioned mouse as well. Which if you can't do that, but it's good to do it on a big screen.

Yes. Because I did it on my phone and I was like, God, I'll never see them. And then when I did it, I was like, oh, the screen's bigger and also the picture's clearer. It's not pixelated. And like, so, yeah.

Practice with that little finger. Here we go. Fastest finger first. Fastest finger first. Just to journey us back. to the past. I'm 18. We're also trying to do UCAS and A-levels. No app for that. We're all in the kitchen table screaming. There's that we've bought the entire, we've got a highway

code from a car boot sale. Deeply out of date. But Debbie's been like, it's 50p. And be like, well, we, right, but it's massive. It looks like the fucking yellow pages, which again, we don't have anymore. It's so big, then like, there's only so many mock tests you could do. So after you've done them, after you like printed them out, that was it. You couldn't get any more. more. So once you've done those... One do you failed? Well, no, I also was just really bad at it.

Oh, this seems like really calming and positive. Can I have another question, please? Yeah, of course. Okay. You're following two cyclists as they approach a roundabout. They're approaching the roundabout and they're two cyclists in the left-hand lane. Where would you expect the cyclists to go? So this is what's happening to me and what I failed. Well, where are they going?

And me like, well, good luck to them. Why am I following them? And to be fair, I know. I've forgotten this. I don't know what this is. I'm like, what would I expect? How, how dare I expect to presume to know what those two lovely young people? But what it is is, but now we've learned what it is is that it's not, yeah, it's not saying like, where do you think these people are going? What it's saying is what are these people trying to tell you by how they've positioned themselves? Right. Because as you know, being a now driver, it seems to be so much about

showing everyone around you what you're about to do best guess so that they don't panic and crash. I'm opposing it roundabout and they're in the left-hand lane. So apparently there's two lanes. That's news to me. There could be 70 lanes. Oh, could there? It's just they're in the left-hand lane of an unknown number of lanes.

There's two of them. I don't know what they're wearing or what their relationship is. No, because that's not relevant. They might not even be together. They probably aren't. No, bloody hell. Okay. So the options are, I mean, it's just all of them.

Left, right, any direction, straight ahead. Okay, so again, as a driver. As me, my answer is any direction, because anyone could do anything at any time. Of course, but they're telling you something. But again. And also, it doesn't say, where are the cyclists going to go? It says, where do I expect? Because they literally could, they could go out shovels and dig under the roundabout and drive through a tunnel.

Wow. You see, anything could happen. But you wouldn't expect that. No. Yeah. Would you? No. Okay.

So it's definitely not right. because they're in the left-hand lane and they definitely would have gone over to the right if they needed to go all the way around the round-round-bath. I mean, this is great, yeah. It could be left or straight ahead. Those would both be correct to be in the left-hand lane, and I'm...

I don't feel good about it because how am I to know? What do I expect them to do? What's the most life thing? I'd like to put click left, please. I was just Googling the entire question. Cyclists approaching a roundabout in the left-hand lane may be turning right, but may not have been able to get into the correct lane

due to heavy traffic. They may also feel safer keeping to the left all the way around the roundabout. Be aware of them and give them plenty of room. It's any direction. See, because if you go back, listeners, you will hear that me, the human, chose any direction. So that question, the reason I'm annoyed that I didn't remember it, because I did a third year's like a month ago. I got that question in my theory test.

I remember it because there is a whole category about that sort of stuff. And they just ask you that again and again. And there's another one that comes up again, which is a large vehicle. If it veers towards the left, where would you be expecting it to turn? So you go, well, left, but it's like, no, because it's big,

it needs more room to get round, so it could be going right or left. And they ask you that question so many times. When it comes up, you're like, nah, it's this old boy. I thought that a lot in my head, oh, it's this old boy, rather than actually being like,

oh, God, so the cyclist is there. Because if you're doing that in the test, then that means you're probably, you haven't done enough. Yes, definitely. Because we sort of had two excellent choice, excellent questions come up because the first one was like, oh, Jesus Christ, okay, we have to think of it like they're thinking. And then the next one is like, okay, what do we think they want? But really, my immediate instinct was the correct one.

Yeah. Which was like, you're not likely to go left, but you do never know. Which was like, they could do anything at any time, which is, turns out to be. And I was, but like, then I second guess myself and was like, what's correct for this? So basically it's just about doing so many of these questions that when you're like, you're like, you can't get anything past me? I've seen these before. Can I have more, please? Of course. When would you use the right-hand lane on a three-lane motorway?

So, of course, you could use it for many things, but there is a correct way. Number one, when you're turning right. Two, when you're overtaking. Three, when you're traveling above the speed limit. Four, when you're trying to save fuel. Okay, so this, this is a sort of one that people tell you that it's going to be. Yeah, and they're really obvious. And they're really obvious.

And there's obviously a joke one. It's often one that's like, when you're drunk. Yeah, or like when you need to do your laundry or something, you're like, well, ha ha, not that one. And then that's what people get in their head about what the theory is. And then when you get into the weeds, it's all this like, is all this. It's all the left lane cyclists. It's all the left lane cyclist stuff. And you go completely mad.

Yeah. This one I think is you'd never turn right on a motorway. No. Are you crazy? You literally can't. You literally can't. And what's my top one? Going above the speed limit.

Way to try and catch me out. I won't be breaking the law. Saving fuel. Crazy. Anyway, I'd like to choose overtaking, please. Bingo. Bingo. You've passed your theory test.

Yes. Okay. So now, so say you've listened to this and you've been like, great. I've done your apps. You've done your thing. taking the actual test, how was your experience? Where did you do it? What was the vibe? Newbery, no recollection.

Good job I did it like a favourite. This section would be very quick. With those brown, brown carpet and strip lighting and I went and sat on a weird little plastic chair and then somebody called my name. And I think I sat in a booth, but I can't really remember the booth. I remember being quite overwhelmed by it all. But we're overwhelmed and also disappointed in the lack of pageantry.

It was like, I know exactly what you mean. Yeah, there was just like a shitty old computer. And maybe the computers are much updated now, but they were very old then. And we were signing a weird little thing. And someone was just like, there you go, and just like started you off. And I was like, where was the adrenaline, the countdown, the begin, you know. Oh, there's a lot of adrenaline and cat.

It's not a lot of pageantry, I'd say. But there is a bit of a buildup now. Oh, what? Oh, well, they've taken my notes on board. But yeah, there's a lot of, whilst being very efficient, also being very efficient, also being very sort of like wrote and bored people going like, okay great,

can you put all your stuff in the locker and then bring your provisional phone in the locker and you think, okay, we need your provisional. I was like, okay, does you need my provisional now? Oh yeah, I remember that.

There's a lot of like going and like fanning around. And then yeah, there's like little plastic seats that are all different colours and it's like, you can sit on that colour when you're waiting to be called

into the test. You sit on another colour when you're waiting for them to process your test which I didn't realise how quick it would, be that like you basically, but anyway, so there are people sat with like a very different energy because they've just done their test.

Right. And then there are people sat. And then it's all like, they pat you down. And then a woman like checks part of you that doesn't make any sense. So she made me like roll down my sleeves. She made me like open my mouth. She made me look in the hood of my hoodie. And then I had upturned trouser bottoms.

What apple bottom jeans of the boots with a fur? Were they? Yeah. Well, no wonder you got patted down. Absolutely. Crimes against fashion. And then she checked the hems of my trousers. And I was like, God, do people, what are you looking?

Like, I think I made like some sort of like non-quip about like, what do you think I've hidden in there? Like, like the highway code, absolutely no acknowledgement. Because there's a lot of people. There's a lot of people. And then she delivers a speech that's like about what you have to. Okay, so you've got 50 minutes, you've got 50 minutes, 50, 30 things. go in, you'll need headphones, you're not allowed to leave in as of the toilet

and she said it, not like I'm saying it, she's clearly, she said it like five times that minute to someone. She's so bored, but efficient. And by the time you've done that, you've done your provisionally, you've sat in the thing, and then you've got,

and then you get called in, and then you'll pass it down, and someone checks like your hems. It's quite like, oh, okay, it's hem, like, hams is it? And then when you go in, and it's impressively quiet. And then afterwards, when I finished, I came out, and I thought I, like, tried to come out through the patting door bin.

They were like, no, no, just go around the other bit. I was like, I wanted to be pat. Okay, fine. Pat it down again. Pat me again. Look, I've still got nothing in my hands. A hundred percent. And then, yeah, you sit.

And then I'm just very bored man. Just goes, like, you're just calling out names every, like, five minutes. And people, you're watching people get up, and it's like, they've done it, and he just passes it to them, and then they just leave. And you never know if you passed or not. When do you know if you're passed or not? Like there's a printer going all the time. It takes a printout, puts it in it, sort of half an envelope, half out an envelope. It doesn't look at it.

It goes, Stevie Martin, I get up, he just gives it to me. And then he's next printer, and he's like, alright, Lauren or whatever. And you're just like... I can't believe it's that Lauren or whatever. And you're just sort of like, oh, thank you. There's a lot of like, get yourself from the locker because obviously other people are coming in. And you're like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. So you look in the piece of paper and that's when you know if you've passed?

That's what you know, if you've passed. And because no one else is making any sort of facial expressions and you don't either. So like everyone's just taking it looking and then leaving. And you're like, why is no one like going, yay? Oh, oh no. I think that's what I don't remember being patted down. And I feel that's something I would have committed into my core memories. I would love to be patted down.

But I think that's why I meant about the lack of pageantry was this weird feeling of like, as an 18-year-old doing it. You've not been in very many situations in which an adult has sort of assumed you're a criminal, like, that you are, like, being patted down, that you're being like, where's your stuff, put your stuff in here, like, even when you did exams at school, or if you were, like, doing sports, or any sort of high-pressure adrenaliney thing, in which everyone's like, good luck, doing your competition or whatever. You're swimming gala or some shit. Like, in general, all the adults are generally sort of on your side.

Yeah. So to go and do something in which everybody's being very horrible to you and very efficient and very bored and passive and passive. And no one's saying, like, good luck. Yeah. Well, well done or anything. Felt like quite an alien weird experience that none of the adults are saying good luck. But even now it's like, why aren't you saying good luck to these people? I know.

Why not? It's really scary. And also the thing that baffles me the most about it, the whole thing, is that like, so I dropped some marks, obviously. And I don't, you just don't know what they are. Like I don't actually know what I got wrong. I guess it's one of them. It might not, but it might be something else. And my driving instructor told me that when you become a driving instructor,

the same thing. If you drop a mark, you never know what you dropped. And so he was like, well, I've got to teach people. What if I get wrong? Yeah. I need to know when my witness, they're like, well, we just, we'll never know. And you're like, but there's somewhere that says it. Yeah.

Why wouldn't you obviously tell them? Obviously tell them. So, yeah, it was very, that's odd as well, because you're like, you get a percentage or you get like a amount. But it says on your 49 out of 50. So you know there's one, but you don't know what you look. That's crackers. And hazard perception, I really, like I dropped two marks on there, and I don't know what it was, because I felt like, I felt like I dropped more.

So it was really like, God, I did better than I thought on that, but I don't know what I didn't do. So you kind of leave being like, okay. Yeah. Good. It's a real relief. Yeah. And it's, I must be, but I suppose then it must be not so bad if you fail because it's like, well, there's not all this pageantry. Because you're just like, okay, I didn't get it. So then you just do it again.

Like, you just, you're just going to go in and do it again. I don't remember feeling particularly dis- I mean, I was very disappointed in myself but it wasn't a real like, oh, I messed up. It was more just like, what a weird day. Like everyone's like, like on examines results and everyone's like, I got into Cambridge. And you're like, I'm in clearing.

Yeah, it wasn't. For example, I had to do. It didn't feel like, no, it wasn't like that at all. It was just like, what an incredibly weird experience. But I think, as with all driving, it shouldn't really be this like, good luck, kids. I hope everyone, too, to, or like, go on, let's let her through. it should be very serious pat you down where's your hems you know boring boring boring you need to be a boring

serious person behind the wheel and so that's what this process is it's encouraging you to do that right from the start right from the start of being like well if you and if you think like but i'm too fun it's like great don't drive don't come in here and so like you can even though it's hard to get your head around ultimately it is like this is this is probably right yeah we don't need pageantry no there's not good actually there should be a serious serious serious experience it's a serious boring business And there shouldn't be like, oh, hooray, it should be like, take your paper and leave. And leave. And if you need to think and return, then you may.

But you may not celebrate here. I'm in this place of work. They even say goodbye. I said, bye. And then I felt like I'm an idiot. It was like I'd gone, I love you. Yeah. Like, it was really odd.

Yeah, exactly. Because it was so quiet. You had to be silent. Even in the waiting room, I wanted to be like, so, how long have you been driving? Like, it's like, it's like going through sort of airport security. If you said the person packing you down Being like, you've been here long It feels like airport security

But yeah, so it's basically apps, timing, just do a million practice Past papers Yeah, virus downloading has a perception test Take it like a champ Don't expect for someone to say Well done. Or goodbye even. Or goodbye. Check those hems.

Check your hems. God's sake. Check your hands. I hope this has been of help for anybody, if it's tomorrow, good luck, as long as you've had a practice. If not, push it back. And you think, bloody hell, I'm inspired. I'm going to book it right now.

When we're booking going for? Two weeks from today. Two to three weeks. Two to three weeks, baby. You know yourself. If you're historically good at like learning information and regurgitating it, which I am, two weeks I think is fine. If you need three weeks, that is the average amount it takes.

Some people, a month. Like, that's also completely fine. Don't give yourself. Don't put it in six months time because you'll forget and you're not. going to do it. Just be like, here we go, we're doing it. Yeah. We're intensive. We're doing it. We're passing. We're serious people. We're passing our tests. So serious. And we're so people. That's your time is up. Get out.

Of the test center. Get your coat out of the locker.