Nobody Panic - How to Plan a Wedding - Part 1

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

Tessa's getting married! She's also planning a proper wedding with generators and a marquee, so has lots of advice for anyone about to wade into the admin hell. And also has inadvertently set up an entire company purely to buy plates a tiny bit cheaper. Maybe don't follow that piece of advice. Or do? Who knows.Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Do da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. There she goes.

I hope she planned. Well, for example. God. That's filled me. Genuinely fill me with sweat. Welcome to Nobody Panic. I'm here, chilled, married. Tess is over there.

Planning a wedding. Hello. So we're doing how to plan a wedding. Part one. Part one, as Tessa said before, we started recording. Part one is all the things you've learned planning. Yep. Part two, we'll come after the wedding has happened.

was it good advice it'll be called part two what did we learn what did we learn what did we learn the cool down exercises yeah so part two for the future yes non-descript future this is part one yes there's stevie waving at me

from the married women's shore I mean yep and here am I boating towards the shore and I can't offer much advice because I didn't really have a proper wedding so it was just like wasn't really there was no planning, genuinely no planning really involved. So I'm fascinated, I've got many questions.

Please. I'm fascinated to know. Can't wait to get stuck in. We're not going to do an adult thing of the week because, again, as Tessa said before, recording, there's simply too much to get through. There's too much to get through. And I'm a woman on the edge, Stevie. And what I do remember is about four months ago, Tess had got a job.

And I was like, oh, great. And I was like, yeah, it's great. It pays for the generator. And I was like, Jesus Christ. Yeah. So you're either setting up a small factory or. or you are, you're powering a village or you are doing it at a wedding. It was absolutely mad.

Got the job, messaged my mum and my sister and went, get those generators, baby. Multiple generators seem so deep in. Do you have a question to begin or shall I begin? I think you simply have to begin because my first question would be like, what is a generator? I don't think that's hugely relevant. That's more for our like electrical power based episode that we'll be doing.

I'm sure that will come into effect, but it's not what we want to lead with. talk me through the things you have learned planning this. Thank you so much, TV. So, yes, I am engaged to be wed. Incapable to saying in a normal way. A man has chosen me for wife. And I will live with him now at his homestead.

I have been engaged a little bit. When he proposed to me, I actually screamed, no, and close the box. Yes. I was overwhelmed. It was a very, very big shock. Not particularly that I didn't want to marry him or didn't want to be with him, but just like that the proposal truly came out of nowhere. And I was so surprised by the whole thing. And then, you know, truly I was slow to tell people because somebody got engaged like four months after me.

And wasn't me. No, no, no. They have a baby. Sure. She was like, let's engage, thrilled, immediate, like big white wedding, baby, tick, tick. And I was sort of watching her progress from afar online and being like, oh gosh, what's wrong with me? And I was like, why don't I want to be married and what's happening?

And people get me like, when's the wedding? I'm going to be like, ah. And then it turns out I was just busy. It's crucial, isn't it? It turns out it wasn't the patriarchy at all. I was busy. Yeah, and you were worried about when that would happen. Yeah, because you couldn't fit it in.

Yeah, couldn't fit it in. So did Edinburgh, finished Edinburgh? And then I was like, oh, I'm ready. Yes, great. Okay, let's go. Yeah, it turns out busy. Always good to check in with yourself. Take in with yourself, yeah.

And I kept saying quite aggressive things about the concept of the patriarchy. Right, yeah. And it says that it wasn't at all. Well, what's nice is that if you are engaged to be wed to someone who's nice, yes, of course, there's a lot of patriarchal issues with the traditions of marriage and engagement. But what's nice is you simply don't have to do anything. want to do that make you feel like that and you don't have to interrogate any of the things that maybe have a steep in history patriarchal tendencies but are quite nice now you could just simply do

those like you can do literally whatever you like you can do literally whatever you like unless you are of course a royal unless of course you are a royal but i's not going into that no not here not the time imagine we haven't the time to imagine being a royal no we can't um so a couple of things were very helpful to me i uh there's a caroline o'donohue friend of the podcast um friend of in real life. Been on discussing tarot. She has a fantastic podcast called Sentimental Garbage

and she had on it friend of the podcast Lauren Bravo. There's a great episode you can go and look for it. It's about weddings and Lauren talks about her wedding

and it's very funny it's about her absolute obsession with being a chilled bride and it's about how the number one the only take home really is it is impossible to be a chilled bride.

Yeah. You can have a good go at having a chilled wedding and it can be as laid back as you can possibly be it. You cannot be a chilled bride. And the more that you keep insisting you are a chilled bride, the more insane you appear. Absolutely.

You just have to accept that I'm a stressed bride. There's going to be some level of stress. Because also there's stress if you like organise a birthday party for yourself. Because that's what I did. I basically just organised a party. And on the day, I was like, I don't want to do this. Right? I don't wish for that.

You had absolutely as relaxed a wedding party as you could possibly have. And you were still like, not for me. Yeah, thank you. What if we don't go? You know? Let's not. Let's not. You know?

So you just have to accept like, yeah, I'm a stressed bride. Yeah. Trying my damnedest to throw this party, this chilled party. And ultimately, when you aren't right, like you are, even if you get a wedding planner involved, even if someone else sort of takes the reins or your mom is like, I'm doing it now. Ultimately, it is like both planning Glastonbury and headlining Glastonbury. And Beyonce famously isn't around being like, are there enough generators, you know? No. She's not checking on the lighting rig and like trying to.

to organise things and being like, also she has thousands of people doing that for her as well. Thousands of people. And that is, I have quite often in the lead up to this been like, I wish I could clone myself. I've been really thinking about that quite a bit.

And I want, one of me is the wedding planner with a headset on, lurking in the shadows, and one of me is the bride. And I actually think on the day, I think there would be a fight between the two clones

about who got to be the wedding planner. Yeah. I think neither of us would really want to be the bride. I think in moments. In moments. And then I think you will have moments where you're like, oh, this is. And then there's a bit where people are like, where is she? And there's like, me and my clone are fighting.

Yeah. Oh, wow. To be the bride. Be like, wow, not a very relaxed wedding, is it? Do clones fighting? I haven't seen that before. Yeah. You know, and people are going, you know what?

You've not seen it before, you know? And good luck to her. The thing was cloning, wasn't it? I was cloning. Anyway, on this event, it's a brilliant episode. And it's talked about all trying to do her wedding and what was useful. And then, and I do recommend it. And then Caroline got married last year and she talks about her wedding with her maid of honour.

It comes on and they talk about it. And Caroline is very, very funny and very self-aware in it, in that she basically did about her wedding what I did for the marathon. She was like, I don't like planning. I don't really like parties. I don't really enjoy thinking about this. So I won't. What if I just go into this? And it isn't planned and it isn't.

thing and I just like I find a pet of dress and then we go with God, you know, and God bless her, a number of elements of the wedding were reflected in that element attitude. Okay. Some people thought the ceremony started at two and some people thought the ceremony started at three. Oh dear. The bride believed it was two. It was two, but we had to wait for those who had received the three o'clock on their invitation, their separate invitations.

Some people had been told it was three then at the last, at 10 to 2, been told it was 2. so people were showing up with like wet hair like people aren't dressed and then getting there and be like it's actually three and people like are you fucking kidding me i'm nude the bride is um in the car with her dad who isn't speaking to her because he's so cross that he's she's not thought the time schedule through and they're just circulating the a road you know waiting in the car but then the actual sheer power of their love and how like like so excited they were to be married to each other just like powered the wedding through but there were very like chaotic aspects of

which in my mind made it made it special and nice, made it charming and lovely and wonderful and they talk about a really interesting thing on there where they're like all of the fucking movies and the sitcoms everything is like you put all of this effort into the planning and then on the day something goes awry but then the gang

pulled together and they just get married in their pajamas or whatever and actually that's what a wedding is you know like so what are the messages here are they, that's what a wedding is and we just pulled together on the day and it's special and it doesn't matter what you're wearing? Or is it the $8 billion wedding industry that's like, every aspect of this must be absolutely perfect and you have to be planning this for 18 months and if you didn't. I've been to wedding dress shops in which they were like, well, you're too late.

You're too late. This is the thing because the actual industry is set up to, to stress you out, isn't it? Like, even with mine, like I wanted balloons. The moment I said it was for a wedding, that it was twice as expensive and they were like, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we can't hire you the balloon thing. And it was like, but it's in two months' time. They were like, unfortunately, it's booked out. And I was like, okay, how about the birthday party I'm having? And they were like, yeah, that's fine.

Yeah. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, it's so mad. It is. It's a truly mad, mad place. I've really, now I'm in there. I think I've worked it out. And I think it is that everybody says it's this much cost and it's this insane price.

And you're like, are you fucking high? And then you go off and you try and do it elsewhere. You try and do it yourself or whatever. And maybe you managed to get the balloons done or whatever, a sneaky way and you pretend it's a party or you do it yourself, whatever. But at some point, an aspect of the wedding will be so stressful to you and so overwhelming and we'll be so running out of time that when someone gives you a price that is disgusting, you'll say, yep, absolutely fine.

They're banking on that, aren't they? They're banking on you, when you, them being the last in the chain. Yes. And sometimes they won't be and sometimes they will. And that's what the whole industry banks. on that particular one being the last in the chain because there is something that you'll be like, yes, yes. I cannot think about this for one more second.

Please, if that's the price, just do it. Someone else has to do this now. This is a nightmare. It's a fucking mad industry. So in contrast to Caroline and how I did run the marathon, I have trained for this. Yeah, it's great. Part of me has been training my entire life

because I do love weddings and as a teenager did nothing but cater wedding. So I've been to a lot of weddings, been to my friends' weddings, have a lot of opinions about weddings. You do have a lot of opinion. You're my most wedding opinionated friend. Thank you so much. It's not a compliment. No, I understand. But it's also not a compliment.

It's just like a thing. Yeah, it's a thing and I receive it in the manner it's intended. So I have got these opinions and I am, you know, we did in the marathon episode talked about how you walk under that thing that's like months of training, all of that thing. And I will know going into the day, into the day, being like, yeah, put me under the bat. I'll walk under that banner. Yes, with pride. With pride. I'll nod at it.

And everything that goes wrong, I'll be like, I gave this my fucking best shot. So when this didn't happen, I fucking prepared for it. And when I had to be like, ah, say lovey. And now I can be like, come on sitcom, fix it. Somebody else to do something, kooky now. But at least it won't be my fault. And at least I tried my absolute damnedest. What you said there about being like, don't say it's a wedding, say it's party.

So many, and I do believe that obviously worked for you for the balloons. It doesn't work. I think if you're actually doing a wedding, it really doesn't. I'm only saying that I, with the other end, and even I couldn't get people to take me seriously unless I said it was, and I was sort of lied and said I was turning 40. Yeah. I sort of panicked.

I said it was a 60th, which is mad. That's too old. It's too old. It's crazy. There's just loads of 60th balloons everywhere. Yeah. Turn them around, turn them around. But no, I think if you are planning a proper, because also you were doing a proper wedding,

I think you have to just get your butt out and be like, It's a proper wedding. It's a proper wedding. That's the thing. Like so many people will sort of take you a sign and it'll be like somebody's mum. And she'll be like, the secret is, don't say it's a wedding. And you're like, oh, right. Okay.

Fantastic. And then you're like, oh, no, I have to say it. Yeah. Otherwise, I start lying. So take that pressure off of being like, oh, I wish I hadn't, I wish I'd remembered about the lie. No. Otherwise, the balloons say 60. Happy 60 at Ann or something on them.

So, yeah, I was attempting to be a chilled bride for about, one hour I began the process I bet I can be a chilled bride and also a thing that's really I'm carrying it with me Stevie is a mutual friend of ours many years ago

and you know what I'm like about I have big dreams and then huge and then close to the day I'm covered in prit stick and scissors and you have to be like hey you know what I don't think anyone cares about that you've done

you know there's no food or alcohol I think I'll focus on that I've done that you know I'm making candles for the book guitar. I'm trying to make Richard O'Brien's face onto a lasagna. But those things were excellent and without those things

the book party that we wrote a book and the launch party had like little cupcakes and nothing. Wonderful. That was wonderful. But we both were very stressed, weren't we? Because it was just like too much but it was good. And I'd try and do it too close to the wire. That's the thing, yeah. And a friend many years ago when I was having a craft-based meltdown pre

a comedy show looked to me as I was sat on the floor and said, just so you know, I want nothing to do with your wedding. And it was meant in the spirit of like, you will try and do too many things the day before. It's tough love, basically. It's tough love. And I suppose it has worked in a way that I was like, fucking watch me, bitch. You'll be dying to be involved in this.

Get the generators, fire it off. No, it has spurned me to be like, begin this months in advance, be ready, be prepared. Like, let's, you know, let's be smart here. Um, something I have been thinking about a lot is something I've entitled, entitled and then losers got, obviously hasn't thought of anything. I've titled, but I mean now. And I will do that title now. The Brides won deranged Dream.

Okay, okay. The bride is obviously going to have a number of deranged dreams and some things the bride won't know are deranged. And there's nothing to be done. The bride's made a choice now. There's no stopping the bride. The bride has registered as a trade business in order to get a number of plates that she needed at wholesale price and now has to sell them afterwards in order to legally be approved as a trade company. Well, no question.

And when question the bride will say, I think that's smart. Yes, okay. And I will stand by it. I understand why you've done that. I can see you trying to hack the system. To me, it sounds very clever. A lot of work. I don't tell anyone I've done it, but that is, I have in an...

Well, good, do you're just telling it between me and you. Just between me and you. Not the 15,000 people. Yeah, just between me and you, I have done a number of things to cut, financially, to cut corners or to make, you know, make smart choices that I am aware are silly. But I unfortunately believe them to be smart. Well, if you do pull that trade business off and you can, I suppose, I imagine, dissolve the business after the wedding.

Yeah. You're in, you're out. That's the thing if... It's pretty cool. The price that they retail for compared to the trade price, Stevie. I mean, I don't mind saying. Aren't you already registered as a business yourself? Absolutely, but I had to register.

It's entertainment only, so I had to register as a... As a plate maker? As a plate seller. Because I don't need to make them, I need to sell them. You have to register as a plate. I don't want it to be discussing this. I don't think the people who would come after you are listening to this podcast. That's my hope.

And we have said that a number of times in the past. But we do record a medium just for posterity in which I do admit a number of crimes. You know? Anyway, so that is deranged. But if questioned, the bride will defend herself. As we've just seen. But the bride is allowed one, one singular, deranged dream that she knows is deranged. Okay.

But she's only allowed one. Okay. And it will probably be craft based. Of course. I'm speaking now to the general brides. Oh, right. I thought you'd speak to the specific. mine is specific but I do

I think I am having been close to a number of people in the lead-up I do think I have seen the Brides Wandereranged dream Yeah A friend of a friend I watched on it, but it wasn't going to the wedding But was watching her having a full nervous breakdown On Instagram

laughing but doing it That about four or five days before It had discovered from the venue That you weren't allowed to throw confetti And so had got it into her head That people needed a stick with a number of ribbons on it and that people were going to wave a stick.

Not a bad idea. And I think had Googled like what to do with no confetti and people had been like, what about these? And they were probably sold for like two pounds of stick or something. She's like, I've got 200 people coming.

Like, that's a thousand pounds? Yeah. Yeah. And then she's like, I bet I can make them for cheaper, you know? And a bet if I make them myself, I can choose colors that are symbolic to us, you know?

And so you make, one stick, a bit of fun, two sticks, okay, I'm making sticks. 400 sticks, you've lost your mind, you know. So that's what I'm calling the one, the bride's one deranged dream. Okay. You may not have a deranged dream in the week of the wedding. That's it. You're done.

You've passed your chance. If you're like, oh my God, we should. No. Oh, I see. Catch a bubble. Not allowed. Up until the week before. Yeah.

You can have any deranged dream as long as you. You can have your, I've had mine. I'm going to say, what is yours? I'm not telling you, but I'm not telling. Will I see it on the day? Yeah. Oh my God, I'm so excited. But I imagine, I'll be playing a game called guest Tess's deranged dream.

Guess the one deranged dream. But I think up until, when you see it, you will know for sure it's that. But I believe in the lead up to seeing it, you will think it's a number of other things. I can't fucking wait. And my dream when I see myself at the wedding is that people are like, did you? And I'm just like, people keep like, did you? And then I look to me and I'm just like a vision of serenity being like, yeah, I did. And I'm not stressed at all.

but I don't think it's going to happen. It's got a lot of time still. I've got a lot of time. A big thing for me has been the table plan and I think I've done something quite smart. Oh my gosh, you know how you've managed to do this, yeah. Oh, why?

As in table plans just terrifying. Oh, I know, right? There's too many people. And I think, yeah, that's what I would say when I was thinking, when do we decide a wedding is a wedding as opposed to just like a ceremony or a party or like when do we make the decision? It's when you're going, who sits next to Uncle Jeffrey?

I've decided it's a table plan. Yeah. No table plan? No wedding. No, that's a wedding with a cat, a, a lowercase W. Understood. But a capital P for party, you know.

Capital W wedding table plan. Yeah. How have you been, how have you, you said you've figured out a smart way. I thought it was something quite fun. Just because I've, I'm at seven now in which I've been assisting the bride

hours before the ceremony, doing something creative and exciting that she was like, I thought we could do this. I thought we could put these on a mirror. Oh, as in you've done lots of weddings where you have helped the bride with her wild dreams. Yeah. The bride.

I've seen you your cake toppers. Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing. I can have my headset on in the darkness and be doing the cake toppers, or I can be good at the party. I can't be both, you know? So I have this in advance. So I had a thought about the table panel. I think is quite smart. I have bought a big magnetic board. And I have printed everybody's name already onto magnetic paper. This is excellent. So they're already, I haven't really quite decided where everyone's going,

but at least it's like, it's like, oh my God, fucking hell, they're not coming, but it's already printed. It's like, they're not coming. Fantastic. Goodbye. Throw them away. And I will throw them away. Onto the fire. On to the fire. So it's just like, that's done now. So that I feel quite good and smart about.

A thing I've been, a thing I thought of that I might, if people say, if people were new to it and would be like, what's the thing you recommend? I would say you and your partner make a list of your top five things that are most important to you at a wedding. And it would be like, these are mine. Do they line up with yours?

No. Well, I guess we're having them all. Here we go. Just so you know, like, what is most important to you? And so mine were good vibes. Oh, very good. Which I mean a free bar, basically. Wow.

And I just think, like, that's the thing that I'm like, that's the thing that I think is. You've said that a few times in the past at weddings. And I've been like, oh, my God. That was one of my things that I was like, you've got opinions. Because maybe you said once, there's no point in having a wedding if you can't have a free bar. Oh, and I was like, okay, which leads me to my second thing, which is I will never, from this moment on, have another fucking opinion. I was going to say that.

Ever again. Because once you've done it yourself, because when I was putting mine together, all I could think was you saying about the free bar. Oh, Stevie, no. And I looked at how much she was and I was like, I literally can't pay that. You cannot do it.

If it's a venue, you just can't. You just can't. Yeah, yeah. You cannot have a free bar in a venue. It's a psychotic amount of money. Yeah. It's crazy.

But no, I wouldn't, I wouldn't dream. I will be, I mean, I'm a good, I'm good value at weddings. Oh, yeah. But you better believe I'm fucking saying, this is good. This is good. Whatever the choices are positive.

Every choice here is good. And so for me about the free bar, that meant we have to do it in a field. Like I have to just buy in the alcohol from the lord. The cash and from the lord. Yeah. You know, I'm going to need to wholesale in the alcohol. Oh, you're starting another business. Yeah.

So that, the thing about the thing about the free bar for me, that was like, so therefore it has to be in a field or in a venue that we can just supply the alcohol. Yes. Okay. So that then forth takes away venues. the table basically for me. If I was getting married again, touch would, we go the distance. But even if we don't, I would never, if I married somebody else, I would just be, it would be, I wouldn't do another wedding capital W.

Right. If we just had our time again and we're doing it in a, I would be like, venue, venue. Right. Someone else do this. Because there's, you know, you got to fire up the generators. Because of the generators. I was really like, yeah, we're doing it in the field. It's very used to do in a field.

I love a field. We're doing it in the field. We already have a marquee because we bought it for my sister's wedding. and bought it in cash of a man on the side of the M4, you know? Right. I got the marquee and I was like, we got the field and I was like, I'll buy some plates from a car boot sale. Jobs are good and how much can this fucking thing cost?

Oh my God. Oh my God. It is called in the business a dry hire. That's what it means. And I think that's completely the wrong word. It should be called field. You know, dry hire. A field is called a dry hire.

A field is called a dry hire means a dry hire. You're working with an empty space. Oh, right. So it could be in a warehouse or it could be anything. So you need to get like Portaloos. You need to get portaloos. You need to get a generator to run the electrics because you're like, and then there'll be very lights.

And then someone's like, right, and where's the electric? Batteries. You're like, batteries. And you're like, sorry, you're running the sound system off an A battery. An A4 battery. An A4 battery. And you think battery's called A4s. You're not allowed.

You know, so it's like you have to get a generator. So one has to explain what generators are. You need like extra tech. You need something for the toilets because there's no water to run into the field. You need something called a Bowser, which is the man, the villain from Mario. You know? So you have to then be Googling local bowsers to get the bowser's in. The thing about my obsession with like, it's in a field.

Great impression of yourself. Thank you. You've got to know yourself and my energy at weddings and it's naughty. It's naughty, frankly. It's really naughty. And it's what, how hard can it be? You know? And now I'm like, fuck you, girl,

fuck you. I don't think I've ever, ever said it. I hope you would say, I've never mentioned it to the bride, never. No, but to you privately. To me privately, I've been like, well, she's got some, it's not a bad, it's, like I say, it's not a bad thing. It is just, the girl's got some opinions on wedding. Whereas I've been, I've been like, I'm so just like,

I don't know how anyone's ever done this. And I'm just like, this is fucking great. Okay, next one I've written, no stress. And that actually means less me and more guests. So I wanted to like, because I'm asking people to come a long way, you know, and travel a large distance to get somewhere, I then once they arrive to be like, welcome, no, here's where you're staying. You know, this is the minibus taking you home, like things are just like sorted for you. Your wedding website was astounding. Oh, thank you so much.

When I received it, it was so just like you could select how you and where you wanted to stay. It felt very calming. Thank God. Thank God. Because I really want to create a calm experience. It really was. But what I hope is I'm not just like saying it's going to be calm. And then people arrive and they're like, where's my house?

And I'm like, what? What do you mean? Well, you've found the thing with Airbnb where you can block it. And then we, like him, there's another friend who's having a wedding in May. And they've done that. I think the same thing as you where they've blocked booked something. And there's just two emails sent out being like, the payments now. And there's the deadline.

And then I've paid and I feel so calm. Yeah. I'm just like, great. So you can. Because the thing is, Is it stressful looking for an Airbnb? Like, but if you want to do it, great. That's the thing I really was like,

I'm asking people to come essentially to the middle of nowhere to get to my field because I want the free bar. It's all for this fucking bar. It's so funny how much you're like the free bar, be like, God, you must have a free bar at a wedding because Tessa did say that you got, and then you're like, fuck, my wedding is. No, I would never say in a venue.

I'm always like, yeah, no, no, no. That's so, it's so expensive. You can't possibly. No, I know, but it's so hard. But also it's very hard to do free bar and a field. And I'm really sorry if I put that on you for your idea. No, I didn't mean to, I meant like, now you found out that free bar in field requires. That's the thing.

Learning about the electrics of the lights. Now I'm like, you know what? It can't be done. It simply can't be done. Pave your own fucking drinks. Yeah. Okay, so no stress. Obviously that's number two.

I fucking drinks. No stress. No, I guess I've just been to a few where, and they, But the thing is, the people who I've set up, I wanted to be like, this person's, and various friends have held me by the shoulders and been like, but you aren't like her, you know? Nothing about you is like her.

So why do you think, for this thing, you'll be able to do what she can do? Is she loaded generationally? You're right, yeah, it's money. It turns out it's money. It is money, isn't it? You push through a level, and then you can just do anything.

I just want to be wonderfully elegant and everything is sorted. Money. Money. The answer is money. So it's not just enough for me to be like, I've sorted everything with my eyes twitching. Yeah. Yeah. That's why she's not stressed because she's paid so much to be able to not be stressed.

And even then you're stressed if you pay a lot of money, because then you've paid a lot of money. So then if anything falls below a standard, like I went to a very, very rich, like a billion, the daughter of a billionaire and wasn't a free bar. Are you drinking me? No. Right.

I'm sorry, but I would have opinions there. I did have a small opinion. Yeah. Oh, no. Thank you. Vulgar. I'm sorry. That's the tone.

There it is. That's the tone. Having I said, I'll never have another opinion ever again in my life. Volga. If it's a billionaire, I honestly think you can have as many opinions as you like. I think that's absolutely fine. But yeah,

there was a level of just like calmness and grandioseness that was like, but even then, there was a lot of chat about the fact that the champagne wasn't great. And who? I don't, just general chit chat, because the level, is so high, the money was so huge that you expect everything to be like 100% because of the amount of money. What I'm saying is, it's really hard for billionaire. It's really hard. Essentially, that's my point, I think. Jesus. Right. Anyway, back to what you're number three, finishes when I say. Very nice. I have been. As in you're not going to put an end time. You're just going to be like,

get out. Get out. That's enough. Now, wrap it up. No, people can go and as and when they wish, but it's not necessarily when I say it's the end. More that I have been forcibly removed. from no less than three weddings because at like 11 on the dot they turn the lights on and stop the music. It's so hard that isn't it? And they don't do what I say you should always do which is say this is the last song now

everyone comes for the song then the music stops then the people will chant one more song one more song and you give them one more song and go with God we're done people got what they came for if you don't give them one more song people take that energy and then fight security

at one point I was like it's a wedding and they were like and you've had your fun and now it's over. And I was like, I don't think you should run a wedding in this venue if that's your attitude. They were like, I don't think you should be in this venue.

If that's your attitude, you step outside. I was like, okay. Stevie, I've been escorted out again. Goodbye. You know. So I have a row, that sort of row with never, not publicly,

but privately. Yeah. I'm opening doors because I'm like, this is a human rights violation. It's too hot in here. They're like, we're not all that. Fun gal. This is a flu at the wedding.

Volga. That's vulgar. This is a human rights violation. I won't be leaving. I believe at one point I said, I'm good value at a wedding. That's the thing I said and believe about myself. But you are, no, but you are, this is the great paradox is that you are very good value while also being incredibly opinionated and you never know where you're looking.

You never know. She's at today. Oh, Christ. Yes. So ultimately, the police could shut us down. Oh. But would you believe? Why could that happen?

If there was like a noise complaint. Oh, of course. So from like a neighbour. But I think, you know, my... You've far enough away from... Grandma's been there for six years, never done... You worried your own grandma's going to complain? No, no. I mean, like, never done anything.

You know, so it would be pretty shitty if someone was... And we're going to go around me and grandma to everybody and say, hello. And also, presumably, we're going to have a wedding. No, there's that, hello. And then we lose confidence. And we'll say, and we'll give them a, you know, a bottle of wine and say, we're going to have a party and we hope it's not too late, but also it's a wedding and... Please be nice.

Nice. Yeah. But in our favour, a member of the North Wales... police is there as a guest. Also, if they bring their badge, you can just be like, just flash that. Just flash that. If the neighbours come around to be like, it's too noisy, it'd be like,

the police, and they're like, will come over this. I'm like, police already here, mate. Yeah, it's a police. And then he's like, I'm in mountain rescue. I actually can't do anything. Please don't, please don't force me to do that. Yes, of course.

And then number four is, look like a princess. Of course. Or however you feel. Or however, but for me personally, it was, for you personally, look like a princess. Have you sorted the address out?

No, Stevie. I have not. How are you feeling about it? Very stressed because people keep sick. Well, there's no time. Oh, there's so much time. Oh, there's so much time. And I wrote it to myself because I was like, so many dresses these days are like, I'm just a casual.

Spaghetti straps, white, slip. You have to be so tiny to get away with a white spaghetti strap and be like, this. And in Brooklyn. And in Brooklyn. And it'd be just like, oh, I guess I'm like not a regular bride. And then I was, I did try all those on. And I was like, because that's what everyone's doing. And then I was like, I want to look like, I want to wear a big meringue.

Oh my God, 100%. I think I actually said to you, like, if I see you in one of those, like, I don't know, like, I don't know, like, I'd be like, I'll feel so sad inside. I'm like, I know that's not what she wants. So it's been a big journey for me to be like, you know what you want and what you want is to swoosh it a lot. And it's what everyone else wants for you. For me. They were like, I would boo if you came down the aisle in that. And I was like, great.

Because it's not Princess enough. Yeah, it's like, that's not what you want. No. Come on. And also it's been nice to the amount of people who are like, the fact that it surprised me the fact that I didn't know myself enough and everyone else to me has been like you want to look like a fairy a flower fairy has come to life it's so soft focus you can come and look at where is she

yeah you got even look at her she got some no nose actually but yeah it's like things trailing off you you know like you know yourself stop trying to pretend if like a butterfly landed on you it would complete the image you know that's the vibe you want okay and now I can see I'm don't get a butterfly I got a gasp that see and I'm like, am I too late for brides, two deranged dreams? Which is what, hire a butterfly? Well, no, I could get a fake butterfly or something just on me. And someone just throws it out of you.

No, it's true. Oh, right, because it needs to land. Well, what about you? What if you remote control the butterfly in? Yeah, it's like a drone. Yeah, drone in the butterfly. Yeah, but it's like, there's big. Because a drone.

It doesn't, it's like that. It's smashes into you. I'm like, sorry! And this is why you're not allowed to gasp in the week leading up to it. We should get a butterfly drone, you know? That's the stuff. That's where you've gone awry. I will tell you this though that I think I can do.

Okay. I saw somebody once you. Because Cinderella, the film, the animation. Famous. Famous. She's getting married. Two, like, bluebirds are holding up her veil. I think, with enough wire in the veil, I could get two birds to hold it up and look like they're flying.

Behind me. I love that. I love that. Where are we at on that? Who's holding the bird? They're in the wire. They don't need to be held. Right.

I'm telling you now. Yeah. And what are we thinking? We're thinking if you're telling the aisle. Your fails in the air behind you. With two minutes. The way it moves, it'll be so still. Okay.

So pass. I think it will be too jarring in terms of physics, expectations and movement. Okay. Okay. I think the most important thing is to have people who will know when to say no. Yes. who are like, yeah, you know what, no to that one. Yeah, but also are able to go like, oh, yes, that would be,

because there might be some people that we have mutual friends that I think would probably be like, oh, don't for any of it. But they've got to know that like you need some of that stuff. Yeah, people who know you know what you need. Yeah. I think we've just been talking about people having a baby for the first time and being worried about being boring or saying, oh, this baby spam. In a different episode.

Sorry, not yet just now. I don't want to be. So you think what you just said, suggested was boring? I don't think they mean that. I think they mean like, oh, I'm worried about like what colour napkins, but you saying like your wild craft. Can I get these birds to move? I mean like, can you fly the butterfly drone onto me?

That's not boring. I say talk about that as stuff as much as possible because A, it's very funny. That's the thing. I think I've overcorrected too hard and not told anybody because I don't want to be boring with it and being like, what color should these napkins be? So I think I'm solo with it. So therefore, I've only got me to spitball the ideas.

Understood. Or your partner, who's probably, he's probably a bit more like, don't, what you doing? He's very quick to be like, incredibly practical. He, I was just doing pure analog invitations at ad hoc, at will. And he was like, fucking hell and like built us a wedding website. And it's got a back end, which he loves to check on the numbers. He loves all of this. Yeah.

So like, yeah. Hence why you're marrying him. Plus, we're a team, we're bringing a ying and yang to the experience. But when I say any sort of, he would just be like, no. And then I would be like, well, you can't do stupid. Yes, because he can't visualize the creative elements. But I think if you're saying no, then I don't trust you. And you understand.

And I think crucial, you've got to be able to understand the exact reason, no. So with that, it was, for example, the movement and stiffness when you actually think about the fact that's what you want. That's what you want. And this is what you're going to say. Like, is that the crucial thing? You're so right. You're so interrogate that. So if someone just goes like, oh God, no, you're like, well, yeah, but why?

And if they can't give you a proper reason that you can connect with, then have a go. Thanks so much. Yeah. Thanks for being here. Okay. Now you've opened a floodgate here, you know. Yeah. And then it will become, at what point, I think that's what people are worried about. It's not going to be a floodgate, though, because you're not the sort of person who's going to, like, message me 17 times a day.

You'll, there isn't really enough polemic because I'm interested in your wedding. Okay. So there's not really an upper limit of you asking me questions because I'll always, just like you're saying about, yeah, when you're a new mummy, you don't want to shut. There's always, that is just interesting. Like, I'm excited and also, if I'm honest, fascinated about what's going to happen. And yeah, it's not quite clearly like even a boring wedding would, and I say that a massive quotation marks. Like I was in really standard, you don't know bells and whistles, whatever. That's interesting too.

So like I think, yeah, this will be very interesting to me. thanks I think there is no boring weddings even even though if you do a like a well classic traditional stick to thing yeah I said boring but I didn't mean that because I know I know you didn't I like I just want people to think to not like because I now that I'm just like yeah please boring please do a boring as long as you've got a party in this dancing and two people are in love like you literally can do anything it's fine yeah your chilled bride needs out of the deal I honestly don't think you do I think like you've got so much of it you don't about cutlery about four months ago.

Like you've actually like got so much of it together. Well, this is my worry with the cutlery and stuff like that is that found it, got it, booked it. Cutlery company went into liquidation. I was like, people are going to let you down. And this is why I became a plate merchant. Of course, yeah. Being like, I'm just got so panicked that like, you know, on Friday night,

they'd be like, oh, there's no cutlery. I'd be like, but I did. So then I went to be like. So it looks like I didn't. So it looks like I didn't. And everyone, my worry, I guess, if we really get down to it is people rolling their eyes and being like, oh, classic Tessa, there's no, there's no forks. Everyone will just be so high on the wedding that they'll just be like, well, use a fucking

spoon, I don't care. Right, okay. Because I think you also could create a real vibe of like, we'll just make do and have fun wherever we are at other people's things, that if we went and like everything was, and it was very like, almost like somberly formal and everything was like so perfect and like, it'd be like, who or who did this? Yeah, who did this? It's so tough to take your own advice because I constantly say to people,

in their shows when they're like, oh, this bit, this bit, I'm like, this bit went wrong or this bit didn't work. And I'm like, it's not a Shakespeare. Like, no one's sat there with the, no, as in like, how dare you compare your work to? As in like, I mean, people who go being like, and now Hamlet's soliloquy. You know, so at the end, people were like, really, really race through that bit in the middle, didn't they? You know, it's like, people don't know what's supposed to happen anyway. It's your show. And if we had a good time, just because you're like, but this and the violinist didn't show up.

And we were supposed to have a, the cake was supposed to drop from the ceiling. Be like, well, no one knew that. was going to happen anyway. So no loss, you know. People have a nice time. Yeah. End of. End of. End of. I got to chill out. Forks is forks. Can't wait for part two. No. Where we discussed. And you cannot wait. Oh, you actually did hire real bluebirds. Okay. Okay. That's what she did. I can't wait. It's going to be so fun. And I also just can't wait to go to the wedding. Thanks, man. I had an exact terrible nightmare last night about it. And I feel I'm genuinely a million times better talking to you all about it. Thanks.

I'll help you all feel better listening with your weddings and your planning. Yeah. You can, it's very relatable. Regardless of what wedding you're planning, I think. Yeah. Yeah. It's stressful. Thank you so much. Thanks for coming. Have a wedding favour. Please leave. Their birds. It's a live. It's a live bird. Live birds. Bye.

I'm to buy them milk.