Nobody Panic - How to Reconnect with an Old Friend

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

Hey! Just reaching out! I know it's been AGES but just wondered if you wanted to listen to this podcast with me? hhahaha? Reconnecting with an old friend is hard. But everybody has friendships that fall by the wayside. Stevie and Tessa offer their best advice and conclude that it's NEVER too late to try to pick them back up. Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded by Aniya Das and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Hi. Yes, we don't have anything to say to each other. Welcome to Nobody Panic. I'm Stevie, Tessa, my old friend over there.

Hello. You may have noticed that I struggle to reconnect with her. It was just acting. Oh, yeah. For me, no. Don't worry. This is what the episode is on this week, how to reconnect with an old friend. Yes. Somebody wrote in.

They did. I'm not going to say the name. Oh, to keep it anonymous. Just in case, I think the person she's just in case. I think the person she's referring to listens. Oh, a bit of fun. Yes. It could be any one of you. She has asked that we do a podcast on helping her tackle this.

Really great. I read that sentence up. A couple of years ago, I had a very close friend. Due to a mutual decline in mental health, we ended up drifting apart. We both weren't supportive enough of each other and haven't spoken in two years. But now we're back living in the same city. I've been feeling the need to reach out to her again. Do you have any advice?

on how to go about doing this. Yeah. Yeah, we do. And that's why we decided to do this episode. You're not alone. Yeah, we've all, I don't know, I've got in my head to somebody that I'm like, I've been dancing around messaging again. But I sort of haven't because I've been like, I'll wait for the right time, you know.

Who? Oh, you don't know her at all. You couldn't know her less. She goes to a different school. And she's your cousin. Yeah, she's my cousin. And she's my mom. And she's a horse.

She's a horse. I've got a horse that goes to a different school, actually. I never write it to it. And so it's fine. Okay. But also I was going to say, do everyone maybe have somebody? I definitely have somebody I'd like to. I definitely have got one.

Yeah. Where from? You couldn't know them less. Goes to a different school. Can't stand it. Don't believe it. Maybe it's the same imaginary friend. Imagine is the same friend.

He's like, I don't want to be any part of you girls as a relationship anymore. So before we get into how to reconnect with an old friend that you've lost touch with for whatever reason. What's the most adult thing you've done this week? Well, mine is that I have painted inside. a cupboard. That is mad. Yeah. Because, no, it's like the lining of a jacket, isn't it? When you see the lining of someone's jacket and it's really good, you're like, well, that's a

good jacket. Exactly right. So I'd read this thing about use of, like, colour in the home. This is the sort of things I'm reading these days. And these days, I was always obsessed with it. Johnny, I'll tell you. I was, I always love this garden stuff. Telling Johnny, about colours of the home while your actual sister looks on. Too small. Amy was too small. Apparently when I met Amy, They'd obviously really push. Oh, I met Amy. That's so sweet. When I met Amy, I was three, I just turned three, and I remember it's my first, like, sentient

memories. They'd given me a nurse's outfit, my parents, in the hospital, which obviously to be like, and then I remember my dad taking me to the staff room and I don't know why I just was charged in. I guess it was a different time in the 90s. You could just enter a hospital at will. I remember going into the staff room and all these nurses looking at me and being like, oh, wow, are you a nurse?

And then be like, do you work with us now? And I remember my head being like, I'm too good at it. it. I was like, they think I'm a nurse. I remember being like, I remember them all like, how are these hands? I remember being like, I've got the power to heal. Oh my God, when am I going to find the time for this? Like I was like, and I was like looking at the road to be like, fuck, I'm on Wednesday. I'm due. I'm on. Like, oh God. I remember being like so stressed. I was a nurse now. That's so funny. So when I see a child like having a meltdown about any other thing, I'm like, you've no idea what's going on up there. All they're expressing is like,

the nurse's stuff and he needs to come off now but for them they're like I can't work Wednesday you know I've got too much oh do you live here do I want to live at her

I want to live at her obviously my parents are going to leave me there in the staffing with the nurses anyway they'd obviously really push the idea when my mum was pregnant

with Amy that like that I would have a friend like they were like she'll play you know you've got someone to play with you got to have a sister and she's going to play with you and apparently

when I looked at Amy I said well she can't play anything I was like she's too small what is she going to play so that obviously I guess I thought somebody exactly the same as me was going to arrive.

I see. Yeah. As opposed to this. Like orange. You know, like, so small. She can't catch a ball. She is a ball. She is a ball. Yeah. Throw her to Johnny. Throw her. Me and Johnny throwing the baby back and forth. Oh, dear. Anyway, um, cupboards. So I've written the thing about, like, if you like, if you like color, but you're actually a bit unconfident about, like, doing a whole wall or something in your house, like actually being, you like, you like, you like, you like, you'd like, you'd confident in your taste. It was all about like the lining of a jacket or something.

Having these like fun bits of colour. Yes. Which feels very much like, I'm not allowed colour in the home. But this tiny drawer could be nice. But actually I painted the inside of this colour and this serise pink and it looks so nice. And it's going to be my art cupboard so that I don't just have bags and bags of like shit everywhere. Yes, the arts and crafts. My arts and crafts. Hobby and hobby and cupboard. And it's really nice. And I've made even, would you believe this, a ribbon like a stick, but with all the reels of ribbon on it and it's like hanging in the middle Rills of ribbon on it is hanging in the middle

yes yes yes Wow so now you don't have a ribbon drawer anymore yeah I don't have a ribbon draw I've got I can be like oh another ribbon on it goes onto the stick onto the special area Oh another ribbon Another ribbon Well you laugh

But earlier I was just eating so many pistachios That earlier like four pistachios fell out the bottom of my trousers Because I've been just throwing them in And I'm wearing these dungarees And then they pulled Billy up Which layer is it out of which layer is it gone down And I was like, can't tell you.

Couldn't tell you. No. But it's out. And then they just popped out the bottom of my trousers. I was like, that's so funny. Anyway, I felt chuffed. Really good. Mine's going to be really simple, really straight to the point because I think we've already done

45 minutes. Well, I pivoted away into my sister's birth story. Origin story. So if you would like to go on to the Patreon.com forward slash nobody panic, we went on a tangent about imaginary friends that lasted for about, I don't know, 20 minutes. And that will be available there. If not, well, that's a shame. You should support the podcast.

What? Okay, so, I'm just trying to be flipping about it, I don't know. My adult thing this week is very, very simple. I just, I've been thinking for three years, I'm getting, like, influenced from all angles to buy crocs. And here's my journey. What is that? What is that on that person's foot?

Then why are people advertising these things? Oh, they're trying to make them fashion. That's not going to work. Oh, I've met this really cool. Oh, she's wearing crooks. Okay. Oh, but this wedding, that one was wearing crocs at this wedding, and she's matched them to her, okay, that's good. The platform crocs do you say, no, not for me, I've bought them.

And now I've bought some little gibbets to go on them that are also tiny little gold crocs. So it's meta. I'm wearing them now. So the gibbet's too far. It's a shoe, is it, or a crocodile? It's a tiny shoe. No, tiny shoe. Yeah.

So the adult thing is, bought the crocs, realized the gibbets were not for me. Oh. Have resold the gibbets on? There's a big market for gibbet. that are also a crock. And also, yeah, just I bought them and I'm wearing them proudly, and they're so comfortable.

And how many times have they been out? This is probably their fourth outing. Great. In public, no, as in like, with other people, probably the first time I've worn them with other people, I've done them,

to take the bins out with them. Sure. Went around Tesco. Walk the dog a lot. Okay. Be a crock. Be a crock. Or not.

Yeah. I would recommend them. Would I? Yeah. Have a go. If you're on the fence about them, then get them. If you're like, they're disgusting, obviously don't.

Okay, great. Yeah. If you're on the fence, give them a go. Why not? Why not? Okay. Talk about being on the fence. Great.

On the fence about getting back in touch with this friendship. How do I do that? Tessa, what are your thoughts? Well, I'm very proet, and I definitely think for this person who's written in, I wholeheartedly support the endeavor. In researching it, a lot of the number one thing was ask yourself why. Which I thought was so interesting, because, I really thought it was going to be like, try inviting them to a group activity at the pub or like

sort of things like that. And then for all of them to so quickly be like, but why do you want to do that? And be like, you've decided you want to reconnect with your old friends. Good for you. But why? It's what lovepanky.com says. Oh, wow. You've been going to love panky.com. I love that site. But like Love Panky is not alone in asking that question. They were the most aggressive in asking it, certainly. But a lot of the things, I've asked a similar question. And I was like, it wouldn't even really cross my mind to investigate the why I would just be like, because I want to.

I like friends. Yes, but I would. And that's actually why I said earlier that there's a friend and there has been in the past, people that I've had to think about for a while before messaging or getting into,

and some people I thought I'm gone, no, there's a reason that that's the full so we're sort of spanning the full gamut there. You're like, because I want to. Nice. Friend. Hello. I'm like, you have to ask you have why in case you've forgotten. gotten, for example, that there was a really important reason that you just don't.

Because there's always a reason that you don't get in touch with someone. It might just, it could be distance, but it's also like, there are people who are quite difficult to see that I still see. I make time to see. And often you can't put your finger on unless someone's been like, they punched my mom or like they had sex with my wife. But like, then you go, well, obviously, you don't want to get in touch with, you know, Karen who has sex with my wife.

But like if it's often much more ephemeral, like the reasons why, and you might not have known at the time, but now you have greater perspective. And also, there's been a few times when I've reconnected, there's once where I reconnected with an old friend, we were sat in the pub and I immediately was like, oh yeah, no, I now know why. I just like, the vibe is so odd and I don't think you're particularly a nice person. And I think I don't want to do this. Then it was bad because then I'd reached out. And then they were like, then they kept messaging being like, hey, well, I'm going out to this pub. And I'd be like, I can't. and then you're kind of like in again.

So it's really hard to extract yourself a second time. What did you make you forget in the... I don't know. I think just time and when you look back on things, you just remember... You can't kind of... What's the word, control what bits you remember about somebody and what bits you don't.

So I was just like, oh, I remember that person. It was from this time in my life. We used to do these really fun things. We do these, like, shows and stuff, and it was like fun. And then when I actually was having a drink with him, I was like, God, I didn't see that because when we were hanging out, I was in my like early 20s.

And now I'm early 30s. That's a stretch now. And now I'm 30s. I've got more perspective or I'm able to see things. I've got more experience in people. And I'm like, oh, no, you are exactly this sort of person. I just didn't even know at the time because I was like young and quite impressionable and quite just like, fun, drinking, woo, fun.

And now I'm like, oh, no, you are that. And that's why we didn't hang out so much. Yeah. Yeah. Tricky. It is tricky. It is tricky, isn't it? So have you reconnected with friends before in the past?

Yes, it was actually, yeah. I think they were like, I was just thinking then about the unpacking, they're like, why do you want to reconnect? And also why do you think you've drifted apart? Because I think I have friends that I haven't seen for a very long time, even though we live in the same city, but like they have kids now or whatever. Or we're just like, our past don't cross in the same way that they used to. But I would still absolutely consider to be like a great friend.

And who I feel I could message now and be like, like, I haven't, we haven't spoken in ages. Let's go to the pub or something. And they'd be like, no, I have two small children, as I've told you several times. But I would not consider our friendship to have, maybe that's naive of me, not to think that our friendship, I don't know. But then there are other friends. I'm definitely like, I would feel a hesitation to send that text.

Yeah. Because I feel like we're not, even though I maybe have even spoken to that person less time ago than these other people that I'm like, no, I would send that without any hesitation. here's this group, here's these collection of people that I'm like, are we friends? Are we at a place where I can just say, let's do this? There's a baggage element. There's a baggage element that isn't just like, it's hard being a grown-up, isn't it? Yeah.

You know, there feels like there's more there and it's like, okay, where is that? And is that something we can overcome? And indeed, do we need to overcome it? Or, you know, can you? And that's a really big question to ask yourself, because to accept that there are like chapters in your life and there are friends who are only going to be there for that chapter. Yeah.

And they can be amazing friends, but your purpose to each other is no more after this chapter. Yeah, I think that is, we've talked about a bit, haven't we, about how you change so much as a person. So the people that you need, and also I think you get better at understanding what friendship is and the sort of people that you need around you. Like I think for a long time, I was just like, anyone's a friend. You know, all friends, friends, friends are fun. And then you get older and you need more things and you kind of realize that, okay, what sort of person you are, well, if you're someone that, like, really needs sometimes really needs help and it needs to vent and you've got certain friends that just don't respond to that or make you feel bad. Rather than going like, oh, I guess it's just

me, you go, oh no, that person is not right for me. And so then you kind of move on. But then you feel, I suppose, bad for not having that person around. You just become more selective. But then the guilt is there, I suppose. Like there are people that I don't really see very much anymore that sometimes will, like, crop up if I have to go in, because when I speak to my parents on Skype, we do it via Facebook, like, video call. So the only time I ever go on Facebook is when I, like, log into that and then go and speak to my mum and dad. And so sometimes someone will flash up on the, I don't know what's called the wall.

No, I don't go on the timeline and the home screen. Then I'm like, Jesus Christ, I've not seen them for 13 years. And we, like, had a great time at uni. And then I just simply never spoke to them again. But they didn't either. And it's because we actually, there was nothing tying us together other than, like, oh, let's go get drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like, when it came to, like, actual big stuff, for whatever reason, they weren't the right sort of person. But that doesn't mean that they're bad people. It just means that it didn't work. I think there's just, you know, that you could have, yeah, no, no, no, no. I don't think anybody in any situation is a bad person unless they are.

They are. Yeah, of course. Unless they've actively done. But I think right people, everyone is just a person like trying their best. Yeah. I don't think anybody is bad and, you know, people would just made mistakes, probably out of a good place. And I think this. person seems that there's a lot of guilt for them to unpack personally before maybe they're ready to do the reaching out. Yes. Like we had this mutual decline in mental health and we weren't, and maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it feels like they both parties think that they didn't do enough. And so there's this like guilt aspect to it. And I think that can be a real friendship end of somebody.

You know, I really beat myself up about not being there enough for a friend at university who was losing a parent. and very slowly to cancer and I just wasn't a good enough friend and I think when I sort of try and forgive myself is because I was 20 and I didn't know how to and I would be such a better friend now but I'm in my early 30s

I'm way younger than you but like I would be ready now and I had the tool like the stuff you know I'd feel more equipped to do it and I just was like you're really young. Yeah, so how much of it is youth and inexperienced and how much of it is like, oh, were we just not a good fit? And also, if there's something, if you've just drifted because you've just drifted, that is easier to reconnect.

You can literally just message that person. Yeah. But if you're listening to this episode because you're like, how do I reconnect with that person? That implies that there is baggage. Yeah. So then you have to ask yourself, are you able to address the, is it objective baggage or subjective baggage?

So with this friend, it looks like both of them, it seems like the other person will be under the same illusions as this person. I'm like, oh, we had a bad time and we didn't look after each other. So then that probably should be addressed in a message if you want to reconnect with them. Like basically how you wrote it to us, which was like, we haven't spoken for a long time. I know why and I know that, you know, I didn't look after you in the way that I could have done. But also see, like, not to say, and you didn't look at it. after me either. Bring your perspective and allow them space to go, I didn't either, and I've been thinking about this as well. And be prepared for them to not reply, be prepared for them to not be ready,

but then you've at least sort of addressed it and then, because there's nothing worse than like a big thing happening. And then you reconnect by being like, hey, drinks. And everyone's like, sorry, have you forgotten the thing that happened? Yeah. We're not going to talk about the large mental health elephant in the room? I think I'm, I think that's 100% right. The only thing I'm going to pick up on in that, in your phrasing is the I know why part. I've been like, we haven't spoken a while, I know why. I mean like, because actually then you don't know,

you actually don't know why. And I think maybe just saying like, we haven't spoken in a while, for me, it was because of this. I carry this guilt that I wasn't helpful enough to you. And also I wasn't in a place to be able to do anything for anyone. Right. I was really struggling.

And now I'm in a better place and it'd be really nice. Yeah. And I don't know. Because you might say you know why. And the other person would be like, it's nothing to do with the mental health stuff. Yeah. You kicked my dog.

You kicked my dog. You get the dog. God. But here's me doing all these paragraphs about my mental health. And actually, I just stepped on your dog. Yeah, I think, like, the more like, just be honest and truthful. All you can ever really know is like your side of the story. So as long as, like, people aren't like, well, we all know why we don't talk.

And everyone's like, and what? We don't talk about Bruno. No, exactly. And it's like, why don't you talk about Bruno, your son who lives in the wall? That we're not really going to address that in the plot at any point. And one of you can hear so well that you've always known he was in the wall. This is the, this is the filming canto, by the way. this is not me and a friend called Bruno.

I'm like, ah, that film's great, but it doesn't really address some of the issues that need to be addressed. No, and the film itself is about

what happens if you just try and get on with things and you don't talk about them. So the more that you can be like, this is where I'm at, I'm really sorry for how I, if you are, sorry, if you're not, maybe don't say sorry.

You know, I think I wasn't there for you in the way that I should be and I really feel very guilty about that. I'd love to try and make it up to you I really love a loved, our friendship and I hope we can continue now we're in the same city. But no worries if you're not in that same place. Exactly that.

And also, and be brave enough to be like, I think even if the friendship does not ultimately reconnect, the fact that you've done the work to attempt to, or at least to apologize for whatever the reason was, means like at least you can carry on with your life. Yes, there's closure there's closure. Because then it isn't just, well, it sort of drifted

and then we just didn't do anything about it. It's like this like open-ended thing. There is actually closure. Closure is you did reach. out and it didn't work. Yeah, that's a really good idea. And also as well, like, be aware that the friendship won't be the same because you'll be two different people. So don't go in expecting the exact same thing or, I don't know, like, you're going to be meeting like a different version of the person that you knew. On a lighter note, though, like, how you, how you reconnect with

them is interesting as well. Like, I feel like the best way, regardless of anything, is like, um, basically not like a very long email or very long. It's just like a WhatsApp, a DM, and also you can also soft launch yourself into the reconnection if they're online by like liking a couple of Instagram posts or

whatever threads and like commenting or whatever and then send a message being like based on one of the internet Instagram stories being like oh my god this is so great I was wondering whether like yeah yeah unless it's a very very bleak and dark

and upsetting way that you parted ways, in which case, maybe not, because you don't want to freak someone out by being like, why is she liking my post? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, basically pick your mode of communication appropriate to how the friendship drifted. Like, the friend I've got, we simply just stopped kind of communicating. It was over lockdown, really. And she's got some stuff going on that is like she's quite tricky as a person, I think.

she's very late, for example, but I'm talking like an hour and a half late, and it's just me and her having dinner, and it happened like three times in a row, and it was like, I don't, like, what? And then she kind of would never mention it. And then loads of little things happening at that. I was like, I don't know what's going on.

And then when we drifted apart, part of me is like, did I enjoy being her friend? And I think I did, but I think I would just have to be like a bit more like boundaryed of like, we don't go for dinner with it. Like, we'll go out to stuff or I'll go and see her in like a different way. but like it is a thing to kind of reconnect but because it's there was no bleak sadness I can just message her on

yes and there's no need to send a large email about my thoughts and feelings never an email I think there's never an email ever some people do really do like emails don't they we don't do that I don't do that but I just think it's too much text it's too many words to read it's too much text whatever you've got to say you know when that that meme that's like ha ha or sorry to hear that whichever one is appropriate, I'm not reading that shit. Like, don't, like, a massive essay isn't right in any context. No. You know, so you can say, this is where I'm at. This, I'm sorry about this, whatever.

But, like, just keep it tight. And, like, and the concise, the, you editing yourself and being concise will be all the better for that reach out message. Yes. Rather than being, like, I'm sending this 8,000 word essay. Yeah. And I was like, I'm not reading that. Yeah. And it was, you're bringing too much to this.

You're bringing way too much to this. Everybody chill out. Just like, say it nice and concisely. Like, we don't speak any. more because of this. Yeah. The reason might just be like time, distance. Yeah.

You know, you've got this job and I work, I hotel the fields and you do this. You work nights and I work days and now and we don't, you know, and we aren't at school anymore and we can't see each other every day and you just, you know, people just naturally fall out with each other's lives. It is a tragedy of adult life that you have to put this effort into seeing people because you used to just see everyone every day. I know. That is something that I've noticed and I really hate now.

It's just so hard to see people. And I ended doing things like my favorite thing is just like going for a drink with the pal down the pop. But like you can't do that. We can. But it's quite hard. You live in quite a good part of London where there's lots of people that live near you. I live near nobody. So I have to like organize.

And then also when you do that, you're like, well, I mean, I haven't seen this person who's and they know that. So that's all got a thing. So I'm like, then I start to feel like I'm like ticking friends off to be like, right, well, I've done that. And it's really nice. and I really enjoy doing it, but I don't like seeing it like that. I just like it being a spontaneous, like, no, ticking off a friend is tough as it.

I met someone in Tesco. Like, when we were at uni, it was like, you'd meet someone in like Tesco, and then you'd be like, should we go and get drunk? And you'd just be in the pub. And like, oh, you just run into people all the time. And it was such a nice thing

that you don't really get when you live in a big city. And everybody listening who doesn't live in a city is like, yes, welcome to the concept of a village or a town. May I propose something? Yeah, I mean, please. I think it's about time. Erons. I'm very pro

errands. Would you like being like, rather than be like, should we go for a drink, being like, would you like, I need to take, I need to take this lamp back to the bigger. I would kill you if you asked. Would you?

I don't like running errands. So I would be confused. No, from you actually, I wouldn't. I'd be like, okay, yeah, I'll go, I'll go to IKEA with her. I just think like, I wouldn't invite you to IKEA. But like, I, it's just being like,

I need to go to the big IKEA and take this lamp back, do you want to come? Yeah. Someone being like, yeah, I want to do a small, mundane task with you as two pals. Oh, I see. Yes, okay. That's just like, we're just, I have to go and drive for a long way to pick up. A fun drive.

Oh, I'm in. Right. I love a fun drive. I've bought an oven. I bought an oven off gumtree, but it's in Dorset. Oh, yeah. Do you want to drive with me? I think there's something very fun about like, we're just doing the quest together.

Yes, of course. And we're returning to this, like, I think, because I think that is what friendship is based on is this like we just hung out. You know, rather than being like, now we're going for a drink. Do you want another drink? Should we? Yes. Oh, it's 12 pounds, is it for a gin and tonic? Probably go home.

Then, you know, there's something very nice about like, we don't need to spend any money. We went and did our activity. Then we returned. And we got hunging out, honging out. Honing out. We were honing out, you know. Honging out. Doing our little things together.

Yeah. Just like two little, you know, like frog and toad. You know, they're just getting on with a couple of bits. Yeah. You need more frog and toad based activity. Yeah. And that's kind of, yeah, I really like, because I can't drive and I really like it when there's a wedding. And I've got a particular friend that does often, if we're both going to same wedding, she often will be the driver or whatever. And like, I've been in a car so many times and we often, she often, I go to hers and then we go. And it's just, it's so nice. And that's, we kind of do that more than we see each of the, for a drink. And we get more out. Absolutely. I take it back.

I thought you meant things like, I'm going to the post office or standing the queue with me or something. I'd be like, I hate the post office so much I have to go there later. This is why I'm like, I couldn't.

But if it's a, if it's things like driving somewhere or like, yeah, then that's a really nice thing to do. You know, I think it's a drink adjacent and instead of being like, our only, our only friendship is built in the pub.

It's like. But is that so in terms of reconnecting with a friend? Yeah, I think that's a fun one. Definitely. of being like, you know, if you don't feel ready, if you think there's too much between you to offer that and you need to like just sit and have a talk,

the talk needs to be the activity. Yeah. Then I guess it's just like, let's sit and talk this out. It's quite funny if you haven't heard from someone for like three years and they're like, do you want to go to IKEA with me? Well, that's the thing. It's like, what? Even if there was no, you'd just be like,

this has come so out of blue. So maybe you need a prepper. I feel like you do need a prepper. You probably don't, but I think the average person, like, might need a bit of a prep just to be like, you know, because I think it'd be, if we stop doing this podcast, I don't hear from you for three years, and then you go, do you want to go to Dorset? Because I'm picking up an oven.

I would be like, that's very you. But I'd also be like, I can't get a handle on where we're at as people. Okay. So I, this is how I would phrase it then is, okay. So, like, if you do, okay, maybe let's pop IKEA in the, like, you just, here's a friend that you don't see. enough and you're trying to like get this friendship back on track. Yes. Let's move errands into that category.

I would say if it's like you don't speak and you really have like when you scroll up through your text messages like the last ones from like 2017, then be like, hey, totally out of the blue. I've just been thinking about you a lot recently. I've just been listening to this podcast. Send the link if you wish. It's all about reconnecting with old friends. At one point they insanely suggest inviting you to IKEA.

Well, I wish I'm not going to do, but brackets unless you want to go to IKEA. Yeah. But like I would love to go for, you know. I'm going on a drive. Yeah. But this is weird, but I am, I do need to drive to thing and get this thing. Would you like to? Yeah, come.

We can stop off at the pub or not what you're driving, of course. But yeah, we could stop off for a lunch on the way. Like, I just wanted some company in the car. Just in case you're free on this thing, would you like to come with me? Yeah. Thought it might be nice. But also, crazy. Do enjoy this podcast.

Bye. A little clown emoji. Yeah. I think, yeah, I think there is ways to, rather than just be like, this is normal. I think, I think it's okay to be like. Acknowledge that this is fun. Yeah, this is fun. And this is a suggestion I heard on a podcast that encouraged you to like do non-drinking

activities and just like hang out in small mundane ways that don't have to be like, we're going on a group trip now, you know, to week for a week. And you're like, this is a lot. You know, because I'm going on the holiday and therefore the activity is having fun, you know, or the going to the pub, the activity is drinking. But like, they're going to IKEA. It's like the activity is going to IKEA. And everything else is bonus.

And you will just continue to, like, chat and have fun. And then you'll pick up the lamp and you'll discuss the lamp. Maybe you'll get some extra forks while you're there or something. You know, there's bits. There's a lot to get. There's a lot happening. There's also the complete opposite end of the thing, which is if you're having, like, a big, so I'm having like a wedding party at the end of the year.

And there was a couple of, uh, there are actually a couple too. And two guys that I went to uni with, I haven't seen it. I've sort of seen intermittently. They came to see massive dad stuff, our sketch group, um, of quite a few years ago. but since then we've kind of drifted but not enough for any other reason than just like they've got a lot of friends they're in a completely different

like circle of friends they live in a different part of London different lives and that's just the way it is and I just met as I got his number from a sort of mutual friend and was just like out of the blue like this is mad but haven't seen in so long and I'm having a party be so fun if you came

don't worry if you can't if not like let's go for a drink or something it's been quite a nice excuse having a big part to be able to actually be like, I do like you. If you'd like to, like, because then it also, there's an anonymous element to it where it's not so intense of like, like so even if there was a bit of intensity,

if you drifted apart, if there's enough people at this thing, then there's not just you and that person being like, do we still fit as a friend? Yes, exactly. Hey, woo, great, hug, have a dance, fine, whatever, great, cool. And then you can both decide if you then want to go into the more intimate setting.

Mm, beyond the Savoy. into the VIP section of the party that's only for intimate friends. I think even if they don't attend the party, the reaching out with the invite is still like such a huge thing that's like here's this great, I'm offering you this olive branch, here we go, you're offering me. I still like you. I still like you.

I would love you to come to this and they're like, oh, I can't, but let's please go for this. I do feel. Because if they just don't reply or they go, oh, I can't make it and then don't say anything else, then you can sort of intuit that that friendship has maybe come to an end from their side. and that's fine.

But it's like, it feels like whenever we're communicating, we're just sort of going like, like, I like you, do like me over and over again. And like, I, like, so many things are just like little, I don't know, I was at a party the other day and there were people I didn't really know. And so much of what we were talking about, we weren't really talking about what we were talking about.

We were just being like, I like hanging out with you. I'm going to start next you at this party, you know, like so much of it's that. And so if you can, if you can kind of use it as a tool to just sort of see, and that is the same, if it's not a big party, it's just a drink. you can tell from their response if they're not, like, feeling it. And that's okay.

You have to be like, okay, that that's okay. And you're there, you have to be okay that that's okay. If you're listening to being like, oh, but should I reach out? What if they don't, if they, the thing is, if they do say no, and they're like, I actually don't want to be friends anymore. And either that's because, like, you kicked the dog and they haven't forgiven you or because they're just like, I just in a different place now as a person, then even... It's very unlikely they'll actually say those words as well.

I do think that is quite unlikely. But if it is, you are in the same place you are now, which is you aren't friends. Yeah, so you've not lost anything. Not lost anything. You've just had a sense of closure or anything. So there's only positives to be gained. Yeah. There's some sort of deep trauma that my nightmare is reconnecting with someone and them

go and then just like telling me loads of stuff that I did that I had absolutely no idea I did. That was my absolute like, being like, well, that time you did this and then you said this and then you made me feel like this. I'd be like, oh my God, I had absolutely no idea and just thought it was like a bit of fun and we're just like, you know? Yeah. That's the worst.

But if that happens, look, that's not going to happen. You're absolutely fine. I don't think that's going to happen. I don't think that's going to happen. But even if it did. But stuff will come up, especially with the person who's written in, stuff might come up that she's done. Well, to bring this full circle to the crock energy. I'd like to actually.

You know, like, you just being like, maybe like, oh, is the crocs. That's what she was thinking about. You know, even if a person recently did bring up of something I had done that I did not remember doing, that had really upset them and that truth be told I still think was fine that's not a surprise yet I'd given an opinion on something

we can all imagine it and when they said I didn't think I said I was like I don't remember saying that but I do believe I did say it and the part I kept in my head was a standby but I had really upset them and we talked about it and actually then we got to identify the secret crock

you know that I had been like there is an energy here what is it and it was The crock of the mind. It was the crock of the mind. Being like, you said this thing and you never, I was like, well, I don't remember saying it. I could have apologized for it. So I don't know.

I didn't realize it. You know, so even if they are going to bring this sort of character assassination or like bring up these crimes, at least there is a chance for you to like discuss the crimes, know what the crimes were, not have this like, because I just hear of so many friendships who just like fall apart in this like, I don't talk to Brian anymore. I don't know why. And it's like, either Brian's going to say a thing that you don't remember doing or it's going to be so banal and you're like, Brian, you're an idiot and we can laugh about it or you're an idiot and I don't want to be friends with you anymore anyway.

And at least we can like go in peace. A friend, and again, it's about IKEA, um, stormed out of IKEA in tears and they had this row and when they were like, I don't understand what I've said. The friend was like, you do know. And then like that was the end. And I was like, that's hellish. You can't say. You can not be friends anymore, but you do have to say, please list the crimes. Yeah. And then be done with this friendship. So people don't send each other. Absolutely. bananas being like what is the thing I did you know so it's like even even if what stevie's nightmare worst case scenario is you get there and i say stevie here's a list of crimes horrible to hear in the moment but at least like you've heard them you're dealing with them you know what's what you know what's what and you can move forward together but it really

sounds like to return to this like the listener who's written in like it really sounds like the other person also wants to be friends it probably yeah it probably is that and i think there'll be there's more often than not a relief on the part of the person who's being reached out to that you've been brave enough to do it. So give it a go. Acknowledge the reasons why you drifted apart and be prepared for whatever comes back. And, you know, go to IKEA. And go to IKEA.

Go to IKEA. For heaven's sake. Yeah. And just remember, if it doesn't work, you are no better, you're just in a better place than you currently are. Yes. You weren't friends now, you know, so there's literally nothing to lose. No. But yeah, do reach out. Be free. Do it. Be free. Make some new friends.

Bye. Bye. Bye.