Nobody Panic - How to Restart a Friendship

Episode Date: June 30, 2020

Got a friendship you’ve let drift off, sails blowing in the wind, no one on board? Maybe you’ve moved away, moved jobs, or just moved on. Stevie and Tessa learn how to dive in and get that ship back on course! Features very few sailing metaphors, but Stevie really commits to a graveyard theme. Recorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive Productions.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Follow Nobody Panic on Twitter @NobodyPanicPodSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. to Nobody Panic with me, Stevie and me, Tessa. Coming to you live.

Live and kicking. I've realised at the start of most of these episodes, I always go to immediately like explain the podcast and you always say coming to you live. And for some reason, I've still not figured out that I should pause at that point. So you can say coming to you live from the bunker. Well, I should let you listen.

Look, we're both at fault. I should let you... No, no. I wasn't going to say anything. I was just going to be like, this is a podcast where we help you do things. Unhelpful. If you're listening, you probably already know.

know that. I think it does what it says on the tin. What's on the tin? What's on the tin? What's on the tin today? It is a hundred grams of restarting a friendship that's died. Or the sort of more jovially lighthearted title. How to restart a friendship? True. Because also friendships don't just die. And I think that's the thing. When you are, when I was younger, when I was younger, I thought that, you know, you had your friends and then you'd have them for the rest of your life, fine. And then if you didn't, that was like, oh my God, the friendship is dead. It's like a, it's a very sad thing. Because a lot of my friends would have, you know, friends from when they were growing up and they would see them all the time still and like having this kind of group of girls

that are with you, all guys that are with you for your whole life, the whole journey. In all the films, it's always like, I've been with you since you were in diapers, man. And you're like, oh, wow, I want someone who saw me in diapers. But actually, the reality is, is that people come in and out with your life. And so I've got some, some friends that I see maybe once a year that I grew up with that, you know, I don't, we don't call each other every week and we don't like go for drinks all the time, but they'll always be my friends. And then I've got other friends who I used to be really close with that I'm just, I literally just don't see at all anymore. And I used to feel really bad about that. But it's like, no, that's, that's what life is actually. Hmm. Hmm. Well,

well, good to talk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's, it's exactly that, isn't it? Like, growing up is the older you get, the more you're like, oh, okay, friends will come and go. And then when you're at school, you see these people for eight hours a day and then possibly the weekends as well. And so it's a big jump to leave school and realize, you know, you've got to, that a lot of the friendship was based on that shared experience. And then the older you get, the more that those shared experiences are harder and harder to find. And that's why you have your work friends. And then you're friends from competitive hockey or whatever you're into. and, you know, et cetera, et cetera.

And then when you get really, when you get really old and you have a baby, then your friends become other people with babies, you know, because your shared experience now is babies. Your shared experience used to be both doing advanced math GCSE, you know? And now it's,

and now your pool of friends becomes, oh, babies. It's just circumstance. That's all that is. And it doesn't mean that you don't like them anymore or that, you know, you can't be friends. You can jumpstart that whenever you, you want to, you just have to kind of put in the effort. But then there are some friendships that

have, you know, you've had significant, like, even like a breakup, or you've had a thing where you very much were close and you what, you don't speak. And I think we'll try and cover both of those today. Yeah. Oh, I'm sure there is a person, everyone listening, I'm sure has a person in their life that they would immediately spring to mind to be like, yeah, I don't see this person as much or talk to them as much as we used to. We used to be so close. And now we've just drifted apart for often nobody's fault, time, distance, jobs, relationships, all kinds of different things. And you're like, oh, that makes me really sad. And I would really like to restart that friendship, not just be like, oh, well, I guess that's gone, I guess. I guess being a grown-up is just mourning

another friend gone. You can be like, no, no, that you can get that one back again. You know, it's all, it's totally within your grasp. Before we dive right in, Stevie, what's your adult thing this week? My adult thing is that I bought a phone because my phone stopped being able to call. or receive calls and it was, I was trying to make a doctor's appointment and I couldn't. And I got really angry being like, the doctor called me, but like his phone was broken and then my phone broke in the middle of the conversation. I was like, oh no, it was mine. And I have been in a very lucky position to when I was working at aforementioned online

women's magazine, I got given an iPhone because I used to be a beauty writer and I would film little videos about like video reviews of lipsticks and foundations and I test them on my own face and stuff. And they gave it to me for that. And so then when the, so that was like an iPhone 6. And then when the iPhone 7 came out, they updated it. So I got the iPhone 7. And I've had that for four years. And then it broke. So I've actually, before then, I only had like 30 pound, the worst, like, the worst phone. So you could, like, look, I love Motorola, but they've got 400 followers on Twitter. And there's a reason. Do they actually? Yes. So little Motorola. It's very sweet. And I used and love the Motorola phones. There were £100. Great. But like, now I needed one proper. So I was

like, well, I guess now is my time. I'm going to buy an iPhone like the people of the world do. One on the Kinn website. It was like, they're so expensive. Like, oh my God. It was like, it was like, it's like 800 pounds for the one that I was like, I'll just buy, I'll probably buy that one. It's not the newest. But you know, it's like, Jesus, right. No, okay, I'm going to have to really. So then I've tried to go on Amazon and I was looking at all the reviews and like half of the reviews on Amazon when you buy them second hand are like, they're great. And the other half are like, probably this was stolen off somebody because, and you're like, oh my God, I can't even know. And so then I did buy one of Apple. And it was so expensive that I screamed while I was buying it. And I was like, well, at least

it'll be really cool and great. And they just like transfer all the information over us. It just feels like my old phone. It doesn't feel like any different. There's no excitement there. There's no joy. It's got facial recognition, which is so depressing because when I did the facial recognition picture, I was wearing makeup. And then this morning, when I looked rough as shit, It didn't recognise my face. So horrified by the entire experience. But that's what adulthood is, spending so much money on the phone that you scream. And then really...

Looking so dog rough that they can't... The facial recognition technology can't... Doesn't know who you are. What a journey we all went on there with you. Not helpful to you now, but eBay is a great... Because you consistently, and I love you dearly, you consistently buy devices off eBay that don't work. And then you have to buy more appendages for them

And you're in a cycle. And I thought it. And I thought, be smart and save money. And then I thought, no, because I don't want to have to buy more things all the time. And I want a phone that works for like five years minimum. So there we go. Look, you're so right. Buy cheap.

Buy twice. I was just thinking about this stupid thing that people say about measure twice cut once. What's that? It's about drugs. No, it's for, um, no, it's for when you measure and cut things with wood. Okay. What's relevance? If you measure twice, cut once.

Messages be absolutely, if you're totally certain of your measurements and you get it right, you'll only have to cut it the once, you won't you won't fuck it up. Oh, okay, I'll hear that now. You won't just be like, oh, that's 10 centimetre metre short and I don't know how, you know? So we're of the people who aren't even, we're not even measure once, we're like, guess, guess once cut seven to ten times. Yeah. I don't have to measure. Measure it with this piece of ribbon, ish.

And then it's too small so you have to cut another bit. glue it on. Yeah. I back you, you know, it comes to a point we have to buy the expensive phone so that you don't have to... And it wasn't the most expensive, but it was certainly more expensive than I could have ever have dreamt that I would ever pay for a phone. And then I did think, well, I spend so much time on it. And I think that's the thing.

It's like being an adult, you have to sort of prioritize. You start to start to have to prioritize what you're going to spend your money on. I remember the first thing I would do that with was makeup. And it was like, well, foundation is the most important thing to me, because I'm a skin. If you've got good skin, if your lipstick's shit, no one cares because you've got great skin. And I used to have quite bad, like acne, hormonal acne. So I'd spend all my money on foundation and then buy cheaper shit lipstick. But my skin was glowing.

And I think phone and laptop I have to prioritise because that's where I work. It's my office. Anyway, that is the longest other thing I've ever done. Normally it's your giving the good anecdotes. Maybe it's that whoever goes first, just feels they've got free reign. and whoever goes second just holds their bandaged hand up to the camera and says, I got stung by a hornet. Guys, I got stung by a hornet today.

And that hasn't happened to me, whatever, actually. But I haven't been even stung by a bee or anything since I was a kid. When, Steve B, I know you won't like this. One flew in my mouth. Holy shit. Why have you never said? Oh, because you didn't want to hurt me. I was projecting you.

And I thought I would reel it to you live on a recorded medium. I can't even imagine. what that was like. It flew in my mouth. I was eating some ice cream with a spoon and it as I went in, it just went in. Okay. That's a dream.

That's a nightmare I've had. Well, I've lived it and it was absolutely fine. But guys, I picked up my jumper today off the ground where I'd left it. Yes, yes, in the middle of the grass. And there was a hornet inside it. But I have put it in cold water. Then I've put germaline on,

the special antiseptic thing for insects. And then I've bandaged it up. So it's... And then what's up to everyone? everyone saying, I've been signed by a Hornet, and I want you to know I'm very, very brave. I use the phrase tremendously brave. Yes, I've watched out to a number of people just to let everyone know that I'm being extraordinarily brave about this whole situation. It's so, this is the thing about being in lockdown is there aren't enough people to show, you know?

Your Hornet. Your Hornet's thing. So I'm telling everyone now. Back to How to Revive your dead friendship. I'm going to look, stop that. It's just a friendship that's gone off the boil a bit. And I think we've all, we've all got one. A thought that I had a lot of my life is that I often would feel that.

I was prone to sort of thinking, well, they haven't, they don't what's at me to hang out. So, you know, but then I wasn't what's having them either. The one thing stopping you from reaching out to somebody is often that, well, they're not reaching out to me and we haven't spoken and they haven't spoken to me. And then you have to realize that if you're not speaking to them either, one of you's going to have to do it. Like, because the other person is just thinking the same about you. So, and if, but if you really feel that there's something there, then it's good, you be the one to go forward.

But I read a thing on, off in the magazine, The Cut, about how important it is to remember, actually, they said, do a post-mortem on your, on your, on your, on your friendship. I was like, why is it also such a death imagery? Is that if you've had a friendship, and it's for whatever reason has gone off the boil, and we've all got them for various reasons, and you want to reinvigorate it, make sure that you're not just reinvigorating it for the sake of it and make sure that you're doing it for the right reasons, just like there is a reason that you want to restart the friendship, there's a reason that it went off the boil. So if it went off the boil for reasons like, you know, if it's a personal thing, if you really struggle with an element of their personality, or they made you feel a certain way over and over again so you couldn't cope with it. Well, what means that what makes them unlikely to do that again?

Like, you know, so you have to kind of see whether it's something that you would want to start up again, or whether you're just a bit like, oh, I'm friends for that person. I want to be friends with them again. And make sure that you're restarting it for the right reasons, not just because you kind of quite fancy it. Because friendships, especially as you get older, they, they,

you have to put a lot of time and effort into them. And there's no point in, we said it before and people said again, there's absolutely no point in surrounding yourself with people that don't make you just go, oh, yes, this person. If they may feel weird or odd, even if that's your fault,

if it's coming from you, there's, there's no point. Like, that's not good for either of you. make sure that you're, you know, that you write down it or a list or think in your head, you know that when you start this friendship again, it's not just going to bring up all the old wounds that you used to have, you know? Yeah, I think if you're looking at the ashy remains of several friendships, some of them are just time and distance and things, nobody's at fault.

And sometimes when you think, oh, why did we stop hanging out so much? You'll be like, if once you do your post-mortem, you will be like, oh, yeah, I remember. and sometimes it is okay to let those fires go. I think exactly what Stevie's saying, that if you're, it's so easy for us all to be like, well, no one's invited me. Well, no one invited me to this thing. And you're like, well, did you invite anybody to your thing?

Like, it's not all on somebody else. You aren't the, you aren't a passive character in this story. You have to be the active character. When I had my 30th birthday, I wasn't very well at time. And I was a bit like anxious, more anxious and I hate organizing parties. So I basically just invited, like, my very, very close friend from uni, and that was it. I didn't invite people from my journalism thing, because at that point I was, like, more of a journalist, and I didn't invite anyone from comedy, and I didn't invite anyone from home.

And there was an Instagram that was put up or something, or I think, I probably put it up about, like, oh, my 30th or whatever. And what I didn't realize, completely fair enough, like, some of my friends were, like, were really hurt. I'm really, like, so then I had to go on the WhatsApp, I had to, but I was happy to do it. went on WhatsApp groups, various WhatsApp groups from people who weren't invited, just fully explaining, like, I just, I couldn't cope with the thought of friendship groups mixing, and I couldn't, you know, like, create more parties. So I'm so sorry, and it was, it was no reflection on you, whatever, and that was fine, but then afterwards, lots of people were like, oh, yeah, we sort of felt

a little bit like, oh, I guess Stevie doesn't really want to be off, not like, I guess he doesn't want to be a friend anymore, but like, that, to that effect, yes. And also, if a lot of people, um, do break up with friends. or do kind of, I suppose it's a call a breakup, why not, over things like that, not inviting someone to their wedding, not inviting someone to their party. And there's often a reason for that. And you have to like, before you're just going to go, like, fuck you. You have to find, you know, ask them.

Because they might be like they couldn't afford it or they felt embarrassed or they didn't want to, you know, so those things, the reason that you broke up in the first place may not be what you thought it was. Tip number one is it's on, it's on you to do the reaching out. Don't think it's on the other person. it's on you. You're both in the same boat. That's number one. Number two is be prepared to be really honest with each other when, you know, someone says, oh, hey, why didn't you invite me to that thing? Or, you know, why did this, why did we have a bit of a breakup? And don't start the conversation with that, with, why are we,

why have we broken up? Begin with your own apology of like, I'm really sorry that we haven't hang out, as much. This is why it is from my end. These are my things that I'm apologising for and bringing to the table rather than saying like, why don't we hang out anymore? It's because you, X, Y, Z, or why didn't you invite me to this or why, why, why? Be like, hey, I'm taking, I'm doing my 50% of this friendship. Yeah, and also there are friendships as well that have, that you may have felt slighted by something, but you never told the other person. And then it just kind of disappeared. And then years later, you have to kind of ask yourself, is it necessary, like, to come back and be like, by the way, in 2009, you didn't invite me to both the party and

That's why we're friends? Or is it nice to just be like, hey, we haven't hung out in ages. Do you want to go and grab a drink? Or do you? And then, of course, if they avoid you and they don't want it, fine. There's obviously something going on that. But you have to, like, weigh up whether this is an instance where you go in with your, like, let's talk about the thing that broke us up.

Or we're able, you know, it's a long time ago. We've moved past it. And I think there's, like, it's very hard to decide which one is which. And, like, what is just sort of unnecessarily digging up old bones? and what is like preserving and presenting the bones in a museum will be appreciated. I think you cannot present the bones in the museum unless you've dug them up and washed them off. So I would always to the side of lancing that boil, dig up that grave. Let's hang out the stuff because that friendship can't move on if everybody is dancing around on a burial ground.

You're so right. You're so right. And this is, yeah, I'm just, I'll just be dancing on those burial grounds. Damn it. Yeah. You'll just be like, this is fine, this is absolutely fine. Nobody mentioned it.

But I say that I probably maybe needs to do a little bit more not mentioning it. And you might do a bit more digging up. Degn up old bones. What would you say, this is a specific thing,

it's not really specific, but I'm just interested. What would you say, if say if like a friendship had gone both ways, because one person did air some, you know, like, oh, you've hurt me or whatever,

and it's sort of been awkward or whatever. Would you then, would you then say that the person who wants to reconnect should they say or say all that again or is it like do you then is it just dead so one person a has hurt b yeah and b but then b wants to be friends again yeah has i apologize at any point not really yeah fuck them that's good just trying to get the all the different a and b situations out there i think if they've hurt you but you do really value their friendship i think that's a good

one for you or you said the beginning of being like do you actually want to be friends with them you know if they've hurt you they've not apologize but you're like, oh, I should restart that friendship. It's like, oh, wait, they were horrible to me. If it's, if you feel that there's maybe both parties didn't do good stuff and you were both in a difficult point in your lives and you both know that you, you both know that you were irrational but for reasons, then I think it's okay to, yeah, I think, I think you have to. Otherwise, you'll just always, it'll always be the elephant in the room and you've just

got to address the elephant. You're carrying the ghost of this dead's friendship around. Yeah, absolutely. I mean this is about relationships but a friend of mine there was a cheating issue and they got back together and her position was that they would never

mention it again and I was like that is an absolute recipe for disaster because good luck with that good luck friends and low of course it exploded about a year later because I was like every time you have a row every time they do something every time they in any way upset you the very first thing

out of your mouth at the front of your mind is always going to be this unspoken thing and you'll both just be dwelling and festering on it and not mention just tiptoeing round the elephant you've got to lance that shit you've got to talk about it otherwise it just builds up and builds up and builds up and that friendship you can't build a friendship on that so yeah hang all that dirty laundry out get it all out there and you'll be so surprised if you don't go for this like when we talked about this before about like um listening and having difficult conversations and all of these sort of things that we don't go in and be like why were you such a

bitch but you don't say were you a bitch because you were you were a bitch because you we had lost your job. And like, don't guess. Just be like... Okay, it feels like that's something that you've done. We're a bitch because you're a boyfriend cheated on you. Oh, you didn't know that. Okay. I don't think you've even said why. I think I was like, listen, we all know you're being a horrible bitch because you've lost your job or whatever. But like, don't... It's not your job to be the psychoanalyst. It's your job to say, hey, like, why do you think you were so sad during that time? Or like, why do you think you, you know, to let somebody answer their question in their own way without saying, look, we know it was

because of this, then the other person is like, fuck off. So let people, you know, let people talk about it in their own way. And then there's nothing, there is literally nothing better in the world than when you raise something with somebody and they say, oh, I'm really sorry, I'm doing that. It's because of this reason. And it's a reason you had no idea about. You would never have thought it. It's nothing to do with you.

It's so separate. And then you're like, oh my God, okay. I'm really sorry. I didn't know that. And then we can all, you know. It's very rare that the thing you think it is. is what it is. Like, people are very complex. People are, yeah.

You tend to centre yourself in all of the narrative. Exactly. I guess it's because she hates me and you're like, well, it's very rarely because she hates you. It's very, it's often a plethora of things. I was just thinking about a terrible party I went to where I found the hostess crying in the kitchen gougon. Oh. Sorry, sorry, completely unrelated.

I mean, it's not unrelated. It is about this. But she was crying back to chicken gujons and she said, and she really meant the chicken gujon, I've really upset character A, because I ruined the chicken gujons. That truth to her was so real and I was like, I don't know either of you and I'm completely confident is not about these chicken guisons. And then didn't know anyone at a party

just like happily playing psychotherapy in the kitchen being like, okay, let's all talk about our problems. But it was obviously nothing to do with that, but she really thought it was and she would have carried that with her forever. So you've got to get the stuff out. It's not the chicken gujons. Guys, it's not the chicken gujons.

With friends that you, there's not been a falling out, You just, like, circumstances have changed and you just, you know, you might live in different places. You might live in different places in you emotionally. Like, maybe the classic is that, like, you're a single lady about town. And they are with their husband and their three babies outside on the outskirts of town. And so that's a classic one. So friends like that way, you're like, oh, we no longer play hockey together.

What are we going to talk about when you haven't seen them for years and years? A nice thing that I saw is that, like, don't go into it, expecting it to be exactly the same. as it always was, go into it sort of expanding kind of like trying to get to know them for the first, almost like you're trying to get to know them for the first time again. Because like obviously, you know, don't just pretend you don't know them. But I mean like, you know, do all the kind of like, I've really missed you. It's really great to catch up again, all of that. But then approach it in a way that is, you know, don't go into it with any preconceptions about the person that you're trying to reconnect with and don't just kind of presume, presume anything. And ask questions.

and yeah, really do reacquaint yourself with them rather than just being like, well, we just like, we used to be, like, because it might take a bit of time as well. And I think when you, you say, let's say, you've reached out, you've done the thing, you've maybe even hashed out some of the old issues and you're ready to start your friendship again. I would say, meet up the first time on some neutral ground,

not at either of your houses and at somewhere new or doing a new activity or something. Because if you go to like, there's something very tragic about going to like, oh, your favourite old place or this thing that we used to do because you're not those people anymore and you, and maybe it'll be a wonderful trip down memory lane but maybe it'll just be like, oh gosh,

both of our lives have really gone in different directions since we shared it here. So let's take these two people who are different people now but can still be friends and let's start this friendship again, you know, somewhere else in a new restaurant, in a new bar doing a new activity, learning a new sport or skill or, you know, start it again. So I think you obviously got so much shared history

that you can draw on. anything to like start the conversation rolling but then don't just rely on those memories because then you're just sort of to be people who haven't got a present you only have a past yeah i think that's a really good you're not trapped by the fact that you knew them 10 years ago like you still have things to say you can still like you know also have a look at we've got some episodes on like small talk and things like how important it's just ask questions so if you're feeling nervous or social actors, just ask some questions, be really interested in their life.

And people will really appreciate you for doing that. And you'll get it back. And then, hey, presto. Hey, presto, you're off. And I think be open to both, if you're both not in a position where you're able to laugh about how it might be awkward to start this up again.

Maybe that's the message to be like, this friendship, it's okay. It had its time. So I think you've got to be, I, we used to go, my school friends who are all still very close. I think due to the work of several members of the group who are just absolutely committed to this

I love those people God bless those people because if it was me I would never see a soul once I've left the room I'll never see you again we when we were at school a friend of ours used to have this like ram this old, an old shack but like a very very old farmhouse with an outdoor toilet and everything in the south of France and we first went there when we were 15

and we would go for a week in the summer holidays and we did it every year in the summer and then when we first could start to drive we could drive ourselves there and it was like so many memories are like about this but incidentally all girls were very uncool nobody had any male friends

and then we all we went the right after we left school that was our last time and we didn't go while we were at university the girl whose old farm has it is let friends from university come everyone was very upset about that and then we went in like

we went after we'd all graduated but there was a real tension and that and also So people were in that terrible place where, like, everyone just graduated. Everyone had sharp elbows. You know, everyone was like really like, you know, you couldn't really ask. Like, what are you doing? Someone's like, what are you doing? Yeah, we're all.

Nothing. Nothing made you get to do an internship or something's sharp. Like, people were so fragile. We went on this trip. Everybody had privately thought to themselves, like, what if we aren't that good friends anymore? Like, we all went to different news, we've had different things. And we got in the car and my friend Sally just got in the car and then, like, honestly, closed the door and went, what if we're not friends anymore?

Like, what if we're not friends anymore? Like, what, so. we're just not friends. And then it meant that everyone could talk about it a bit. And then there was like silence in the car for such a while. And then Phoebe, who was driving, just turned around and went, has anyone known Twix recently? And it was like, and she meant it so sincerely.

She was just trying to make small talk. But it meant everyone could laugh and we could all admit that we had all been worried about this. And what if we didn't have any memories anymore and blah, blah, blah. And then we could build the friendship again, you know. Yeah. We could get through it. But it does take that someone being brave enough to admit, like, what if this?

Yeah. What if we're not friends? And just trust your friendship will survive it because you are good friends. Absolutely. And on the flip side of that, like, you might reconnect with them and you might not be friends anymore. Exactly. And it might be really hard.

And then that's really sad. And it's always sad when someone that you used to know really well. It's just not the same. And I think that is something that I've come across quite a lot with friends of mine talking to me about other friends and also myself. reconciling the fact that throughout my life there are definitely people that have meant different things to me at different stages and now just don't mean that thing anymore. But I still see them at parties and we still like have a nice time. But maybe I like wouldn't go for dinner

with them one on one anymore like I used to just because we're not in that place anymore. We don't know each other as well and we've moved away or sometimes it just doesn't feel right anymore. And that's that's like that's so fine. Like I've got a friend who used to be, used to work in a job with someone as like basically a pair and they used to live together as well and then like they basically like they're still friends but they used to be inseparable and that was really hard for my friend to deal with that because she was like well like what does this mean if we're not going to be all like together all the time you're like well that just means you're still friends like it's okay like you can have different sorts of friends I always see

friendship groups as being this like ever changing like categorizing where it's like okay well they are a lot closer than they used to be. And now they've sort of like moved away again and that, that's fine. Or they're, you know, they're into different things now. Like I had a lot of friends that like suddenly got really into like partying and drugs at one point. And I was like, okay. Well, I can't be with you at this point. But then they come out the other side and you're still there.

And then you maybe have a slightly different relationship, but it's like still nice. Like it doesn't have, you didn't have to be the same all the time. But it's lovely that you have a group of friends that have remained so close. those names come up again and again when you're talking about your friends and that's really lovely and I think a lot of people wish that all friends could be like that and and it's just not the case sometimes and that's okay is what I'm trying to say yeah I mean don't think it's all just for anyone listening who's like oh my god I haven't got a single friend from school I it's not always roses I remember leaving a party once and saying out loud to the air I think I hate all my

friends you know so I think I hate everyone so you know there's definitely been um I think it's just nice is that sort of Baz Luhrman quote of like the older you get the uh the more you'll need people you knew when you were young or who knew you when you were young and you think like oh yeah it's just nice to have somebody who's there to like laugh about what you were like as a teenager and yeah it's exactly what you're saying that like people just people just move on and you there will be other friends for you and there will be other different people and like you know it will all it will all be okay but trust that trust that the one that you're thinking of when when you heard that this podcast title was restart a friendship, the friend that popped into your mind is the one,

is the one worth fighting for. Yeah, definitely. And if, you know, it's, they, they, they don't feel like you're worth fighting for or they, they're not interested in reckoning that as well, then look, it's, that's okay, a relationship. That doesn't mean, it doesn't reflect badly on you. It's just, that's just one person and then you have to start looking at the friends that you do have, which I often will focus on the people who, who, who I feel like, don't really want to be my friend, rather than the great friends I have. And then I'm like, Absolutely. Why am I putting my energy into trying to make this person like me when I can just like go and hang out with some people that I laugh loads with? And it's really easy. So like I think you have to, yeah, it's like it's like a slightly, no, I was going to say it's like a slightly lesser hurt than a relationship. I think it's exactly the same hurt as a relationship. Yeah, it's absolutely the same hurt as a relationship. We just don't have a name for it because we're not supposed to take it as seriously. But it's 100% there. And it's not just the losing of a person. It's also a losing of. a particular time in your life and like and just you'll realize how many people you need in your

life who are really really up to date on the storyline like who just I remember texting a friend once and saying the apple was in my shoe and that that like no I couldn't possibly have told anybody else because I'd have to explain so much like backstory and it isn't even a very interesting story but if you've lived it right up until that moment you just need to like a few times I always feel like when you are reconnecting with their friend, you need at least like three or four, five times of seeing them on the bounce so that they, like, they're a great way of putting it.

So they get brought up to date with your storyline. Yeah. They're on season one and you're on season four. And there's so much going on. You've got to catch them up with the plot. You sold a murder in season three. Like, there's so much going on. Exactly.

So you don't punish another person for not being up to date with the, where the plot is. Because it will make you feel like, fuck it, forget it. But you can get there. And it is worth it to have people with you. just to finish on a couple of um just if you're thinking okay i'm gonna do it just like some some good ways in for that person and exactly like what you're saying stevie of like there needs to be a few

times on the bounce so don't think like one dinner or one thing is going to be like i'm done that's it we're we're back in like expect the first couple to be like tentative hello but yeah just send them a WhatsApp they can all be casual you could even mention this podcast and say i just listen to this podcast about starting up a friendship and you're the person i'm really want to reconnect with. A friend of mine, last New Year's, I got a text saying, Happy New Year, my news resolution was to hang out with Tessa more. And I was like, oh, puff, puff, puff.

Sorry, Tessa says puff, puff, puff when she's feeling happy. I just think it's like very, it's not a common thing. It's a chicken. Oh, God, have you never seen, guys, well, let me tell you how a happy chicken move. They like, they puff, they puff up all their feathers and they go, oh, poof, puff, puff, puff. And it makes you like a really proud chicken. Oh, I thought it was just like puffing your chest out.

which is it is. Say, say, say. It's very specifically a chicken. When they've laid an egg, they go, they're very funny. They make all their feathers really big. And they just do this very funny. Like, oh, puff, puff, poof. Sorry, I didn't explain that, guys. I thought it was completely obvious.

I don't apologize. I just thought I'd dive in and I'm glad that I did. See? Turns out, you've got to ask the questions. Turns out, it wasn't what you thought. Who doesn't want to receive a WhatsApp? Even from someone who they thought, you know, the friendship was fully dead,

especially those people being like, I just thought it'd be really nice to chat. Like, it's just so nice to get that. And being like, saying that you're someone's new year's resolution. I've definitely done that. I've made like a list of people a few. Yeah. This year, and that didn't go well because then I couldn't leave the house.

But like being like, these five people, I did not see enough last year. And I'm going to make a distinct effort. And then, yeah, I was up and being like, you're my person. I'm going to make an effort with. Just so you know, I'm coming at you. And it's funny and it's nice. And it makes people feel everyone just wants to be liked. unfortunately, that's all we want.

And so it makes people feel good, even if they weren't expecting it, even like it's so nice. So yeah. I think that you saw that you thought, I saw this and I thought of you. Like, there used to be that beautiful royal mail advert. Do you remember that? No. Oh, when we were at school, maybe.

There was a royal mail advert. It was called, I saw this and thought of you. And it was just people seeing like a funny stone or a little thing or a something and putting it in the post to send to somebody. Aw. Or like, some guy had a wobbly table and so and then always they ended with the person who received the mail just looking like wow puff puff puff I feel amazing that somebody knew this this plot hole that I had in my storyline and they sent me a little something to talk about it and so like think how amazing you would feel and then just be that amazing thing for somebody else like send them some post send them do the I saw this and thought of you I just saw this or like I saw on your Instagram you were doing this it's amazing let's you know would love to see you I'm in town I'm in town. I'm in town.

Let's hook up. Yeah. No. Don't bring that energy. But the motive is the similar. The motive and the techniques are. The sentiments are there. So, yeah, find a reason to reach out.

It doesn't have to be a cool reason. Don't apologize for it. Come in confident and strong. Be prepared to dig up some old bones, wash them off and discuss them. And believe in your heart that the end result will be really positive and maybe not what you thought it was going to be. And it will feel so good. to move on and to be able to be like, ah, the elephant, we've put the elephant outside to roam free,

rather than dragging him between us. And even if the friendship doesn't work or they're not, you know, they're not as, they don't come back with anything particularly positive or whatever, well, look, you've still put that elephant out, you've still dug the bones out, you can, you can send them off to the museum. Exactly. Exactly right, Stevie. Put those museums, put those museums in the elephant. Put those elephants in the museum.

It's not a waste. You still dug those bones up. You still got over it. you still clean them off, put them in the sarcophagus, perfect. And now you know, it's just something. And now you know, you're in the, you're in a so, even if it doesn't work out, you're in a better position than you are right now, where you're still dwelling on something that didn't work out,

or you don't know why it, what happened, or you aren't friends of this person. And even if it doesn't, at least you tried and you gave it a go and you. Definitely. Great, yeah. Well, if, if that helped and if, please, if you were inspired to reconnect with a friend and you become like great mates, oh my God, please tweet us at, nobody panic pod. Love that.

Or email us now. I want to really apologise because I went into the email and I found some emails that were from quite a while ago and I haven't replied and I'm so sorry. But I have read them and I will reply and I'm really sorry and we do read them because some of you send such lovely emails. And then when I read them four weeks later, I'm like, oh God, if I'd have read, if I'd have said that and then they just hadn't replied. I feel like such a wally. But please don't. And then tweet us as well at Stevie M. The S is a 5.

That's me on Instagram and Twitter. at Tessicoats, my short-lived gluten-free blog. Didn't work out. And then also, if you like the podcast, I just thought, I never say this, why don't you give us a review? Leave us a review. Leave us a rating. And I hope you guys have a lovely, lovely week.

We'll be back next week before. How-toes if it's about before.