Nobody Panic - How to Run a Marathon

Episode Date: April 16, 2024

If you or anyone you know is running the London marathon (or any marathon) and would like to feel much better about your training: Tessa ran two marathons, one without much training and one without any. She didn’t die, she was quite angry at herself the second time, but this is crucial listening if you’re fed up of high performance sports podcasts and wish to listen to someone who has gone through many people’s (Stevie‘s) worst nightmare and come out the other side.Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. it. Let's actually recreate what actually happened

when you were running the marathon. Okay. Jamba? Yeah. Oh my God, don't stop. It's TV. It's okay. You're so,

you're like, I think you're halfway through. You can absolutely smash it. It's so bad. And then she's left and I go to... It's so nice to see you. Yeah, that was it. And then I turn to my friend home with Liz and go,

oh my fucking God. I think she's going to die. There you go. So, welcome to Nobody Panic, a podcast where we do, how-toes. It says I've done two marathons. I've not really. I've not got any interest in it, but I also have massive interest in learning about it.

So together we have an average of one marathon each. Oh my God, we do. Great. What? So yeah, with our marathon between us. Yes, we are well placed. We're bringing you how to run the marathon. So welcome to this episode.

It is coming out in advance of the London Marathon. So perhaps you're gearing up for the London Marathon. Or it's very much marathon season. but you can also enjoy this at any time. You could even maybe have saved this to actually run the marathon. Oh my God. If you are doing it now, well done. You're doing fantastic.

So I have, and this is, it is really amazing. It's amazing I've done it, but it's like, it is truly such a polar opposite thing to my character. Yes. I have done this. Like, you'd never. I think it's very in keeping with your character. Oh, is it? Yes.

Overconfidently ran two marathons without training. Yeah. I can't stress enough. it is a mistake, don't do it. But what I will say, if you can walk 26 miles, you can run 26 miles. If you did it? And also, not to be like, I don't like when people say, oh my God, if I can do it, anyone can. But I will say, if I can do it, you can.

Yes. You can get around it. People don't really like hearing that I've run the marathon, two marathons. Really? I'm going to make a very gendered statement here, but I'm going to stand by it. Okay. Women, delighted. Absolutely thrilled for me. I think it's very funny. What a funny thing to do.

Men really don't like that I've run the marathon without training. Something I have experienced is that in general, men are quite cross with the idea that this thing that should be taken very seriously, hasn't been taken seriously. But also they themselves have not run a marathon. And I, an idiot, have. You say idiot. Like, I think the only thing more impressive than running a marathon when you've trained is running it when you have it. No, it's not. It's really not. It is.

It's silly. No, it's silly. Yeah, that's different to, you're an idiot. It's quite reckless, health-wise. It's scary. It's slightly confounding. But it's undeniably very impressive because there's no, I don't actually understand how you were able to turn it up and go, yeah, I'm going to do this. I personally would just not have turned it up.

But the fact that you did, and then the most impressive thing, you did. And then the most impressive thing is then the fact that you went to do, the one in Greece. Again, I did it again. Knowing what was coming and I did it again. That's actually more stupid. No, it's not stupid.

Because what is, like, it's stupid if you are like, oh, you must only run the marathon if you get a certain time. Yes. But that's the whole, that's not the point of the marathon. No. The marathon is what you bring to it. And what you brought to it,

which was very similar to what my partner does when he does like swimathons where I see him be like literally take overtaken. I saw I saw him being overtaken by a toddler once. Like it was absolutely wild. He just loved swimming. And so he does it until the people are literally like packing up. Last time he did it, they were taking the banner down and he still hadn't finished. And he was doing like, like, like mother's breaststroke with his head out of the water. Fantastic. And he, and beaming. Like, because it, for him, it's the, it gives him so much. It's the mind over matter. It's a psychological achievement and I think that's why

people hate when you do it because on some deep level they're like how dare you be able to do that when I could only do it if I trained for years and so I've never actually put my name down because I'm frightened I'll never be able to train adequately enough to do it

and yet you get to just turn up and behave that's why some people hate people that dress interestingly because they're like I've spent my whole life having to and you get to just wear what I've pink hair you're fucking freak like that's what they Because they're angry. They never got that.

I think it's like the most cool, brave thing you've done because you didn't do it to become an athlete. You did it because you wanted to see if you could. And it turns out you could. You could. That's the biggest achievement. Oh, that's so kind. Oh, I'm actually quite moved. Oh, God.

I'm sorry. I'm crying again. This does cry so much. Here we go again. A lot of emotions. That's really interesting. I'd always felt, and I think it's close to that, but I hadn't realized quite what it was. But I think it's that meant when they think about running the marathon with or without training,

what they would like, what they imagine is running it sub four. Yeah. And an important thing about marathon running is words ceased to mean anything. So saying things like running it in under four hours. No, we don't say that anymore. Why would we? We're wasting precious breath. Now we need to say sub four.

Yes. And that is, if it's quite hard when you have no concept of marathon. Of marathon. Of marathon. What is marathon? What is marathon? To know you're like, does it take 12 hours? Yeah, genuine.

Like, how long does it take? I would say, anyway, doing it less than five is like a very impressive, well done. Like, really impressive. You've trained. People want to come in with a four at the start of their thing. Even if it's 459. Generally people are aiming for under five hours. And to go under four is like a huge achievement.

When you get under the fours, you start to get into the automatic qualification for next year. Wow. So that's when you have run it so impressive. that they're like, congratulations. You can come back next year. You did so well. And what I think a lot of people really want to do, especially for the London Marathon,

there are so many celebrities and athletes running it. So there's people like, Katie Price, God bless her, runs it every year, walks four kilometers, waves to everyone, goes to the pub. She was there at the front line, got her picture taken, God bless you, donate to the charity, have a good time. And then there's quite a few athletes.

And what men desperately want to do, again, sorry about the sweeping statement, is to come in in a time, quicker, even by only a few minutes, than an Olympian, not a runner. So somebody who's like, Chris Hoyes. Yeah. Can you run faster than Mo Farrah? No.

Could you run faster than a cyclist, maybe? Maybe. Yes, please. A lot of guys do sort of secretly think that if they worked hard enough, they would be a sportsman. It's the, I believe that I could, I could score, the average man believes they could score one point against Serena Williams in a game of tennis. It's that, isn't it yet? It's that.

Also, I do think it's deep because I think it's like when you're a little boy, the socialisation of what you're shown to be, like sport is such a very gendered wise and very generalised. But when we were growing up, like, sport was much, much of a bigger thing for boys and pushed at boys. And you're encouraged, like, the heroes are often sports stars. That I think that's where it comes from maybe of that thing of just like, something kicks in of like them at primary school at Sports Day. And with girls at Sports Day, it was just like, you knew the girls who were really sporty and that was their personality, that was their character and everyone else, you just kind of go like, ah, fuck it. It's fine. Whereas the boys'

half of the sports day was like cutthroat. It's almost like an inbuilt thing that lies dormant for many years because they get a job and a family. Until the trainers come on. And then suddenly they're like, hang on, I kind of want to do the marathon. Oh, and then suddenly it's activated again. And that's why they're being dicks about it because they are secretly like, well, of course, I have to win. Fuck. Yeah. We don't worry. We'll get into it. We're going to a couple of small tips.

I'd love that. And then I will tell you my full marathon journey. Okay. My couple of small tips are, and I'm hoping you've got at least one day to go, if it's already begun, God bless you, don't even listen to this part. If it's tomorrow, please could you buy the most expensive socks you can possibly find. Okay. Something that say like anti-blister, a special running socks.

Money at this point, absolutely no object. Okay. I want you to spend the money on it. You will be grateful. Okay. Please get the expensive socks. to believe in the expensive pants. You just get your...

Is it a bit chafing? There's a bit of chafing. It's constant repetitive friction. It's joggers nipple, a thing. Jogger's nipple is a thing. I think it's more of a male issue than it is... I suppose because we've got your sports bra on, so it's not so much of a problem, but it's that...

Plasses over the nipples if it's just bare to the t-shirt. And, yeah, just like really invest in the stuff. You've not invested in your training. Please invest in the stuff. Yeah. Only other tip is if you are worried about your... time or you are worried that you're not feeling as like good today as you were hoping or whatever when you get on the day, I would put yourself back further back in the start line. So that you're sort

of told your start time for the arrival and they'll say like, can you think you do it in under two hours? This is your start point up here. So obviously the really fast people aren't trying to weave through you. Are you dressed as a rhinoceros and you're going to do it in 10 hours? Off you go to the back. I actually started right like literally right at the back beside Katie Price and the rhinoceruses. and it meant then that I was overtaking people for the entire marathon. That's psychologically much better than they're chasing me and I'm being. Yeah. So instead of putting myself because there will be pacemakers all the way along the way

and the pacemakers are people who have paid professionally, and I actually can't believe it's a job that you can run exactly five hours and 35 minutes. That is so impressive. It's incredible to me. So they must just be like, this is the exact pace and I'm going to stick out. They're going to have a backpack on with big flags. And so if you're like, this is my pacemaker, people are. can sit with them for the entire time.

Right. Once you hit that psychological thing of losing your pacemaker, that's a big thing for people. And then you never quite get your thing back up. So I would say if you're like out here to get the PB and you're like, I've done a couple and I know I can do it and I want to sit with pacemaker this time, go with God. If it's your first time and you're feeling worried and you're like,

I actually don't think I can do it. Get a later pacemaker or just be like, forget that and put yourself further back so that you've got that. I'm overtaking people psychology. Yes. Okay. That's really good. And my third and final one about the matter, the London, this is specific to the London Marathon,

but there is a point at, I think, about nine or ten miles where you cross a, ah, fun bridge. I think it's Tower Bridge. Okay. And the roads have been quite wide up until that point, so there's been lots of amazing supporters, and that's very, and I'll say just sidebar about the supporters,

like, there's one extra tip. Write your name on your T-shirt. So they can call your name. You'll think, swear up my life, at the 20-mile mark, the fact that someone is being like, Stevie, Stevie, you can. can do it. Oh my God. You're just like, you're crying basically for the whole, and the fact that

strangers come out and give you that level of support is just like, it is such a test, the marathon is such an incredible, like, testament to the human spirit of like that people, not just the runners, that people are out there and that they understand what it means and that people are shouting your name. And I was walking at one point and the whole crowd were like, you can do it test. And then I started running again. They were all really too. I was like, okay, everyone. Like, it's a, so write your name on your T-shirt. There's a point in the Nile, nine mile mark where you're coming across Tower Bridge. it covered it in balloons and for some reason it's quite a narrow road so the supporters on both

sides for the first time so you almost could like high-five on both sides and you will feel amazing approaching the halfway mark you're like this is actually going really well and there's all these supporters and honestly i was like hands in the air where to everybody like i was an olympian like i felt amazing and i was like i don't know why people complain about the marathon like this is incredible You get to the end of that bridge, you will then see people coming, you turn to the right and you'll start seeing people coming, turning to the left. And you'll think, I guess I run 100 metres and turn around and go this way. They look like my people, about my pace, quite elderly. A couple of rhinos in there.

Those are my guys. You'll then go down a hill and you'll look back and you'll realize that those people are nine miles ahead of you. And it's going to be nine miles now before you come back to this exact spot. That's because it loops back on itself. And that's a huge psychological thing of being like, oh my God, like, they looked slow. That's a rhino. Yeah. And he's nine miles ahead of me.

And just like the, what's the point of this that like we're weaving in this like constant circuit? And then unfortunately you're going to go under a tunnel then into the Isle of Dogs. Yes. And that's a difficult bit. This whole section, there's not that many people out there. There's no supporters. It's not like the big hotspot.

So it's not as fun. there is a whole bit on it alone. And so immediately after Tower Bridge of everyone being like, I'm the king of the world, you'll turn down a hill and go under a bridge. And that thing looked like a zombie apocalypse. Right. It was dark. People were collapsing, like, left, right and center.

People on the hands and knees. Like, it just was like, oh my God, it's like a war zone in here. It was so bleak in there. Right. If you had just, I didn't even look at the rooks. I was like, why bother? Like, it's, I want everything to be a surprise. I would say, best if some bits aren't a surprise.

The good bits will be a lovely surprise and you'll be surprised. by them anyway because people have come out to do nice things. Don't let the bad bits be a surprise. So do have a look at the route. Do like do have a check on Reddit for like people being like, this is a bad bit. This is a bad bit. So when you get to it, you're like, okay, I remember. And you just take it a bit more in your stride run and be like blindsided. Because no one else was going to be shocked by the nine miles situation. So I ran the marathon in 2018, I think. My mum loves to run. Generally really likes it. Ran it when she was 40 and it was the Flora a London Marathon and really like loves a marathon. And, uh, she had blanket applied for like

everybody, including grandma. Like she just, you just put, put all these names into the ballot. And she was like, anyone who gets one, I'll run it. And so it was my name that gets pulled out of the ballot. Oh my God. But she was like, hunger game style. But she was like, don't worry, I'm going to do it. Which is not ideal. But yeah, so don't be cross with us. But that is what Debbie's plan was. Fine. But it's right. You don't have to be cross because it turned out, did her ACL, like, two months before. And then she was like, I'm not doing it. And then she was like, do you want it?

Like, it is actually in your name. Do you want to do the marathon? And I was like, yeah. Okay. I think it was like, I think it was sub two, I think, sub two months before I knew. I think it was like, it was not long. Yeah. Before.

Because I remember you telling me, you know, I've run 10 miles. And I was like, well, that's not too bad. Like, that's pretty good. It's not obviously a marathon. But like, and then it didn't know. you'd run 10K. Yeah. It's like that's, yeah, that's nowhere near.

Nowhere near enough. In any way. So, yeah. You need to have run 20 miles and you need to have done that several times in the month leading up to it as your training run. I bet that's just probably psychological, isn't it? Just to be like, well, I can do 20, so I can do six more. Exactly right.

Exactly right. I had done a 10K and I'd walked the last three. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do remember. I really remember, fuck me.

That's your, that's awful. You're going to really strong, but then forgot that you have a very, like, strong mental. It is, it is an, yeah. So I get there. I'm like, it's a beautiful day. I'm like, yeah, bloody hell, why not? Like, I think, I was like, you can just get, it's not, I'm not going to be fast, but I think I can get around.

And for about, up until probably the halfway mark, you are like, oh, I'm not having a good time. But I can do it. I can do it. And there's something about the crowds and the people and everybody being like this, like, it's really, really amazing thing to do. It's very special to watch. I got quite emotional just watching it

because it's just like because everyone is, yeah, it's very rare that you see everybody just like so united for a common goal and that common goal is sort of both like lovely and pointless.

Yeah, like it's so pointless. I mean, for charities of course that is lovely but it is just like, we're just doing a thing and everyone's so thrilled about the thing. Right?

And there's something so magical as well about that I hadn't really realized because I'd never done it before about running community. People, the amount of people who are like touching them back and being like every time you go to walk or you get slow people like no let's go like

you're just like okay like you're from the absolute get-go there's this huge emotional like we're a team like we're all in this together and people are picking other people up and encouraging people and like it's really powerful amount of emotions which was crying so yeah like so you you set off I set off way too fast. I was too excited to be there. And also under the tip number seven, you've got to slow down because you'll be like, I'm so full of beans. Oh my God. I'm probably going to go sub three. Like, I can get this pace up. Here we go. Come on. Mo Farrah. Mo fucking who. Like here she comes. So Jesus

Christ, please don't. Don't think you're the one exception to the rule when they say please don't start. Like really slow down. And so I think, yeah, about to the halfway point, you are like, I'm not having a good time, but it's a nice day out. And you're just, you're going. And then around about that point, 12 or so miles is probably the amount that the human body can run with the resources that it has in it. I see.

And then a really interesting thing starts to happen. What's interesting for about a mile and then it's awful. 10 more mile is that your body's like, I got, there's actually nothing in me. Like there's nothing. Did you have snacks? No, of course not, Stevie. You didn't bring snacks? No.

And you should. tip eight Bops and snacks Protein bars I couldn't think what to get so I got nothing I didn't know what to do I didn't I hadn't done training

head us so I didn't know what I needed or wanted No training and you had no snacks I was bee lining at those children with the jelly babies Right of course yeah so you had jelly babies scooping like a point in my hand And there's water stations and there's Lucasade stations So there is like stuff along the way And so there is a few snack things about

But you do need like the energy gels Because people are covered in the energy gels and stuff I was like all right all right and then I was like please can I have another drill so this moment when you feel so that's even when you're having your jelly babies even if you've had your lucca said your body just like weak like I'm not

it's like it's a feeling I'd never experienced before which is like oh I'm actually using up reserves we have to go and get like the back the bones we've got to go get the the bone can yeah honestly I can imagine myself like hands on hits been like can we utilize these bones Is this something? Like it really felt like that

that my whole body was working to be like where else can we draw energy from? Which was a really interesting for a bit, bad for much more. And then your brain starts to be like, well, we should definitely stop. You should absolutely stop now. This is bad, yeah.

This is bad. But then after about a mile of fighting, your brain is like, fucking hell, I guess we're going. And your body starts, your body just accepts that you're going. We want to stop.

but we actually can't because something has happened. Something's happening here, yeah. This is... So then I guess it must, I guess you must get some sort of hormonal release or something that is like, oh, we're in actually emergency situations. Yes, I think that's it. You are being flooded with really quite intense hormones.

They're like, we don't know what's going on, but we appear to be keeping running. So yeah, you are, you're high, your loas is going on. And so I think it's probably braced down to, like, the first 10 miles, slow the fuck down because you'll be giddy with it all. And by and large, you will just get through those first 10 miles, even if you've not done any training, the sur to the crowd alone will keep you.

Then when you should get into the teens, that's when you start to be like, I thought we'd be done by now. Yeah. Why aren't we done? Yeah. Then you start doing maths. Yeah. So then the maths kicks in.

Tip nine, don't do maths. Don't do any maths. And if you think, I'm doing maths. Be like, just think me being like, no maths, pal. Yeah. No, let's look at something else. This is going to continue until it's finished. Yeah.

There's no point. It's actually not going to be any better that you know how long you've got to go. You've just got that amount to go. Unfortunately, people at the 20-mile. mark because that's quite an exciting thing of being like, oh my God, now there's twos. And we know that we end on the twos. So people on the 20 mile mark start shouting, just six more miles, just six more miles. And you're like, yeah, yeah.

And by this point, you're delirious, you're high as a kite, you're full of jelly babies. And you're holding hands with a rhino. You're weeping because, oh, my God, so many people, people right on their backs if they're running for somebody. So so often you're seeing all these amazing people and the, you know, the real, like, spirit of like, we've got to get, you know, you're doing it for somebody. It's so overwhelming. Then at the number 20, people are like, only six more miles.

You're like, great, I'll be done in a minute. Then you start being like, wait, the fastest I can run at my proper sprint pace is 10 minutes a mile. So even at my sprinting, I'm an hour away. And then you start like, oh, that's far, isn't it? There's really no tips once you're in the twos except for the deepest psychological dig of like, yes, you can. Yeah, you've done 20, so you genuinely physically can do more. Exactly. You can do these next ones. You've come this far. You absolutely can do it. And even if you're going at a snail's place, you put one foot in front of another and you will get through it. And it's like, forget your time. Forget anything you wanted to do. Forgret Chris Hoy, he's gone. You're not going to beat Chris Hoy. Just keep going. Just keep going. Just keep going. Yeah. Because then I suppose in those moments, you must really feel that thing. Like, they can't remove you from the course. They can't, but not for ages. So don't worry. And like, just one foot in front, just keep going. Yeah. Yeah. Because then I suppose in those moments, you must really feel that thing. Like, well, just finishing it as an achievement. And you go, yeah. Yeah, yeah, fine.

But actually when you're experiencing those twos, it's like, oh, finishing it really isn't it? It's really, I think that's the thing. It starts to be like, oh, yeah, this is why people say you can't run the marathon with no training. Like, this is. It's the Twentz. It's the Twentz. It's the late teens and twins. It's the Twentz.

And I would say, your last two, probably on sheer adrenaline and whatever's left of you, you're doing it in a fun city. They've probably put those last two in the good bits, unless you're doing this alone in the wood, in which case this podcast is not for you. London have got it around the mall, to Buckingham Palace. So at that point, you're stuff to look at. Like, you're grooving. You haven't. You're grooving, Steve.

You groove in. The supporters are closer because that's like a fun bit to be. And like the last two is just, you're just waving and going. And then when you finished it, what you do when you finish it? How you, like, what did you do? The immediate thing when you finish, you're running along. That part, if anything, feels too short. You're like, this feels lovely.

You know, those last 100 metres. when you know it's literally there and everybody's cheering and like or whoever's left by you, whatever point you get in. But to God bless them, still loads of people. And that feels absolutely incredible. And then someone gives you a medal as soon as you cross the finish line, which is lovely. And then I made them hug me for ages. I just be like, you hug on, I go.

I need you to hug me. And then someone puts you in front of a little sign and you get your picture taken and you get your goodie bag. And then that's quite, and then it's like fun, fun, fun. Then quite a tough bit because you. Your family aren't allowed into this bit. So you've got maybe a 200-meter walk to get out of this enclave. And that's quite tough, knowing that your family can't get back to you

and you can't get to them. Because you can't walk. So tip nine or ten, have it a liaison point with your family or whoever's coming to be with you. I cannot stress enough how much you'll want someone to be there at the end. Be like, this is where we're meeting so that you aren't trying to call them and be like, where are you? And you haven't, there's no space in your mind there apart from being like scooped up by a parent. That's all you need.

But my mum put my feet on her lap and we had a Byron Burger. And that was lovely. But then for two weeks I couldn't walk up or down the stairs. I had to sit on my bottom and go like up the stairs. Oh my gosh. And I had to go down. I had to slide down like a baby to come down the stairs. I couldn't go up there.

And that's a real surprise. But sort of quite fun. There's a quite fun feeling. Yeah, because it's an achievement. It's just this amazing thing of your body being like, you're like, we really did something, I guess. That is marathon one. Yeah. And you're thinking, oh, surely she stops.

No. In 2019, so to reference that thing where you get a qualification time and you're allowed to go in the ballot for free. When my mum did it when she was 40, a big letter came in the post afterwards and was like, congratulations. You ran it in a qualifying time. And she was like, fuck, okay. And she was like, and it said brackets, if you are 60. And he was like, what absolute neg from the London Marathon? So she kept this letter and since she was 40,

a whole thing for her was that she was going to run it again when she was 60 and she was going to try and get the same time. But good for your age when you're 60. Christmas that year, the year that she's like, here comes the birthday coming up this year. I'm going to apply for the London Marathon. And somebody at the Christmas dinner table was like, I know what you should do in November.

So at this point it's 11 months away. You should run the original Athens Marathon. The actual marathon that in however many thousands of years ago, the guy from Sparta runs to tell you. them that either they have won or lost the war. Sure. And he either runs back or not. But either way, the exact distance of the 26 miles is the distance, a soldier ram between

marathon and Athens, and that's why we have the marathon. And that's what it's called the marathon. And that's what's called the marathon. That's why the distance is the marathon. Those extra 345 yards, you're like, what a fucking weird thing to do, is because when the Olympics was here in London in 1908, they had set up the track to finish in the stadium. And they've done an amazing route of it, exactly 26 miles. Queen Victoria insisted that the race started outside her bedroom window.

She refused to get up. What are these people doing, just ruining things? Right? So they had to, they couldn't move. They'd already done the whole track. So all they could do was move at 345 yards to be outside Victoria's bedroom window. So that's when you're like, the fuck are these extra yards. You're like, fuck you, Victoria.

Every day, I think that. So my mum signs up and she's like, do you want on a redemption tour for your, you didn't train, but you know you can do it now. What if you actually train and you actually come and you actually do it? And I was like, yeah, let's do it. So we sign up quite drunk at the Christmas dinner table. And I was like, I'm actually going to do it. I'm going to train properly.

I'm going to do all. I think I understand now how you do it. Like, I'm fucking going in. Cut forward to the 19th of November. Has she trained? Has she fuck? She's done nothing. Do you ever what you said to me?

What? You said, oh, it's fine because I've, while I haven't trained, I have trained in the ass of figuring out how to cut through. Is that what I said? Yeah. What I decided to do, I hadn't trained, but I was like, I'm an emotional support dog. I'm just here for mum. She's doing the thing. I'm just also coming to Athens. Off we go. And my plan, like I think about this whole Isle of Dogs looping back nine miles thing, was like every time it loops like that, instead of fucking running it, I'm just going to pop over the barrier.

Yes. So my plan was like, I don't care about my time or being there and here to come to Athens with Mum. And I'll just run, however many of that might be 12 or something. Yeah. I'll just cut out every single loop. It begins a light drizzle that will become a hail. I honestly believe that November in Athens would be like Mamma Mia. Yes, of course.

It would be beautiful. Or we'd be jumping over a donkey. There would be bits. There would be the parthenon. Like, I thought it was hailing. And there was no rhinos in sight, not a rhino. People were just, these were the, there was no balloons. There was no steel drums.

There was nothing. There was just like serious elite runners who were here to run. What I would later discover to be the hardest marathon in the world. world. And separate to all those ones that happen in the desert, this is like the actual official city-based hardest marathon. And of course, I was like, but of course the loop, so don't worry about me. We begin, that motherfucker, when he was running from marathon to Athens, did not loop

interestingly around the Isle of Dogs. Of course, he didn't he need to get there as quickly as possible. He ran it as quickly as he could in a route that was then and is now the motorway, a continuous straight line for 20 miles that inclines up a gentle hill in the hail. So there's nothing to look at. There's no corners to turn. There's no children. There's no jelly babies. There is, did you bring snacks? No, I forgot my snacks, Stevie. I forgot everything. Like every sort of five miles or so, there would be like a 50-year-old Greek car dealer outside his shop with his like 90-year-old mother in a chair

and you would look at them and they would nod. And that was all there was for supporters. At one point I could see children handing something out and I ran at them because I thought it might be sweet. It was beaut, exquisite little olive branches as a gesture of a welcome to Athens. Fuck that though. Truly fuck that.

Fuck that. Fuck that. Then from about mile eight, I start crying. And then I mess, I don't have them anymore because they were too bad to listen to, but I started sending myself voice messages that were like, you cannot do this again. You are never ever. You sent me a voice now after it and you said like genuinely next time, if you ever hear of me saying I might do a marathon,

you have to physically stop me from doing it. And you sounded so serious. There was no like your normal, like when, normally when something bad happens to you, you kind of make it into like a fun thing. that's its own issue, I'm sure. But it's also very jolly and fun. You have not done this about that. I was like, do not let me do this again.

It was so bad. And I was, what was spurring me on this time was less the psychology of like, yes, you can't. I was so cross with myself. So it's a real anger of like, you're a fucking idiot. Like, of course you can't do this. But again, like, so then. Well, hang on also.

Yeah. With this one, it's not like the London one where like if you tag out, it's like, oh, I've tagged out. I'm in the odd dog, so I'll get the tube home. Yeah. You've tagged out in the middle of Greece. There's nothing. thing you can do, you literally couldn't tag out, except for about halfway in, because people

run it so fast and are trying so hard at this one, that people are collapsing, like, left, right and center. So people are going down, and what comes along is this sort of like plague bus thing that's going on beside you, and it scoops you off the spider of the road with a spatula and puts you in a tinfoil blanket and puts you in the bus. But they take your number off you. So that's it. You can't, like, have a little regroup and like, because I was like, great, I'll get the bus to

Athens. Have a regroup, do the last bit. They were like, no, that's it. you're sort of removed. And they, for easily the last 10 miles, the plague bus, drove completely parallel with me at my pace, honking me, while the man started, get on, get on, get on, get on. Is that me? And I was like, and I was like, no, no, I'm not going on the plague bus.

I'm not doing it. So I carried on the luckily, luckily, luckily, behind the marathon was the walking marathon. Okay. So in comparison to this, like psychologically put yourself behind. get the overtaking people. I was being overtaken by the professional walkers. But I looked like I was doing sub to fare in the walking race. Of course. That had started like two hours after us. That's incredible. So thank God that was happening. Otherwise I think they would have been totally on my own and they would have been, I think, removing me from the course. So luckily I had that.

There was none of this like, yes you can. It was like, no, you can't get on the plague box. It was the polar opposite. But still I was like, yes, I fucking can. Like this deep. intense like, yes I fucking can. I've done it before and I will again, never again after this, but I can do it to the end of this one and then I'm never doing this ever again. You finally run into the last 500 metres you enter the park beside the palace in Athens, gorgeous. Then you turn and you run into the original marble stadium that they built 2,000 years ago like for the original Olympics. Is it like the Acropolis?

In the Acropolis? I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. Either way, the stadium. The stadium. That thing. That's where you finish. And that is incredible. Is it worth the 25 miles that you've done to get? Just go and visit it. Go and visit it. My mum, who I was there to supposed to be emotional support for, has finished hours ahead of me. She's gone back to the hotel, got changed, come back. And then she, because there's no security at this point. I've taken everything away. My mom meets me outside the changes to the guards. And she runs in with me. So our picture is of us both running into the stadium, which was lovely. Unfortunately, because it looks like I'm sort of holding her up. And we're going. so slowly. People are shouting, Bravo Grandma! Bravo Grandma! You're like this.

Bravo, Grandma! She's only running. She's been back. She's got a chain. She's going to collect me. Bravo, Grandma. And so the pictures, instead of us, like, waving, are her being like, fuck you. The supporters of it. And she's like, I finished hours ago. It's her.

But then you get your medal and your stuff. And once your body knows that it's done, all those like the reserves, the bits, the stuff, like your body's like, fuck you. You're having no more and you just totally shut down. God, it's fascinating. It is a really amazing, a bit like birth or something. You're like, well, won't be doing that again. But, you know, people like forget you can't like describe your birth story.

So forget. Like, if I did not have all this like, do never let me do that again. Yeah. I think I would do another, you know. Yes, you've forgotten the pain. You forget. You remember the joy of being like, God, I did it. I did it.

You remember the medals, the joy. stuff, you forget totally to forget the pain, which I guess if you're running it right now, I don't want that to make you feel worried as opposed to be like, you will forget this feeling. You won't forget that you stopped. Absolutely. Unless you're in pain and you're injured, please just stop, who cares. But like, if it's purely your mind that's standing in the way of you finishing this, you will never forget that you stopped, but you will always, but you will forget how this felt.

Your body will tell you if it actually can't go any further. Like it will, there'll be, there's nothing you can do. you've seen those people go down at the thing, like even the professional athletes, like they're going down. So your body will tell you when it's out and you're so up until it does that, it's just you in your mind. And if I can do it up for the Athens motorway in the hail for 25 miles on an incline, I just can't.

Then you can keep going. I think it genuinely is one of the most inspiring things because that is true. I think that's the most pure version of if I can do it, you can do it that I've ever known. It really is. It really is. Because it is just your brain. It is just your brain. I'm not going to do it. I'm amazed, you know, that you did it. If you're running good luck, if you're not running and you don't know anyone in it, so you're like, well, why would I bother?

Genuinely, great day out. I went to watch it because it used to go past my old flat. Go and shout some names for a bit and then come back in. Wonderful. It's joyful. It's truly, it's amazing. If you live in a major citizen that's got the marathon, go and have a look. It's so fantastic.

If you're supporting somebody, yeah, they're going to love you so much of you that you've come out with your sign or your support or whatever. If you think, fuck me, not for me. Donate to somebody else's cause and be like, wow, what an amazing thing that people are doing out there. That's wonderful.

It's incredible. Thank you for showing your story. Thank you for having me. Thank you for listening. And see you next week. See you next week, everyone.