Nobody Panic - How to say no

Episode Date: October 9, 2018

No. NO. No? Saying no is hard to do, so Stevie and Tessa work out how best to turn your boss down, your friends down and potential suitors down in the best possible way. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The date is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace. It's coming to London. True on Saturday the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September at King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Welcome to Nobody Panic. Hello, I'm Tessa. I'm Stevie. And this episode, well, here's a little clue. Tessa, do you want to go out with me? Gosh, no thank you. There we go.

That's a really great example of saying no. How to say no. How to say no. We've had a couple of messages from various people asking for this, from variations on, like, how do I say no at work? Like, how do I be more, like, able to say no in general? and also, crucially, how do I say no to people trying to woo you? We had a conversation about that feeling when somebody goes,

oh, can I buy a drink or like, oh, do you want to hang out? And I immediately always go, sorry, no, I've got a boyfriend, even if I haven't. One of our friends was like, why do I have to say, oh, no, so I'm owned by somebody else? Like, why can't I just say no and be fine with that? And this was four years ago, I was like, absolutely, yeah, next time that happens, I'm just going to say no, and every time I go, no, I've got a boyfriend. I can't stop that second thing coming out. Oh, thank you so much, but no thank you.

I've got a boyfriend. See, look, I just did it again. I've got a boyfriend. Yes, it's very instinctive to want to put like a because. Yeah. It's hard this trying to say no thing because everybody wants to be a nice person and nobody wants to upset anybody.

No one wants to let anybody down. And you can't often just go, no. You have to say another thing. I mean, there's a reason it's hard. But we don't want to let anybody down. We want to make everybody happy. We don't want this suitor to feel. sad or kill us or kill us there've been times where I've been like on a train and I've

seen some guy like just trying to chat to these girls like and he just won't stop often two girls one guy and the girls being so polite but he's being really pushy we should feel well you're being pushy and you're in my space so I'm gonna say no like for some reason especially like British people we're like oh we don't want to offend you like well they've offended you so we want to talk about saying no in the workplace hello hello saying taking on too many activities and trying to do too many things that you can't possibly do, saying no to friends and family and saying no. Social reasons.

And saying no to suitors. Certainly, like a male, female thing that I think we see a lot is, ask me, not as a suitor thing, but like a... Do you want to come to the cafe later and have a latte? Ooh, maybe. I retract it. So... You're annoying, I track it.

But I think that to me, and to maybe a woman listening would be like, that's a 100% no thank you. She does not want to. She doesn't want to do that at all. But my actual words written down were, oh, maybe. Which to most people, and also often men who communicate more directly than women, would be like, oh, maybe she does. Yeah. Yeah, that's so true.

Because I think often about this time that we were in a meeting with a gentleman, and he said we could work with Benjamin. We don't like Benjamin. And we went, oh, palpable silence in the room. Yes. While we went, the air was sucked out of the room. The air was sucked out of the room.

And then I think one of us immediately went, we've got an idea of working with this other guy that we quite like. A different suggestion. To me, I thought he was honestly, this man was honestly going to lean in and be like, oh my God, tell me, why do you hate Benjamin? What happened? Tell me, tell me, tell me.

I thought he would like, I honestly thought that, to me, those were like smoke signals, like semaphore. That was the clearest thing in the world. He hired Benjamin. And he hired Benjamin. He hired Benjamin. He didn't see that we didn't want him. He didn't listen to say no.

We didn't actively say no. No. He didn't listen to our body language. He didn't read the room, which to me was like screamingly obvious. I was vomiting. Embarrassingly obvious how much we were saying no. Because we were so enthusiastic for the rest of the meeting and it was only when Benjamin was mentioned we were like sat up. We were like back in our chair. We were like, oh, no. I shot backwards out of the room screaming. It blew my mind. And I was like, right, we have got to get better at saying no. And what adult thing have you done this week before we get too? Too deep. Balls deep into Benjamin.

Absolutely balls deep in Benjamin. I have moved house Oh I'm just going to do a shout out to my housemate Jess who lives in our shed Who looked after me through this process And made me breakfast And kept emotionally coaching me through Through carrying on

I did have a shade of a breakdown while doing it I've not actually moved into another house It's just all in my parents I painted the wall I had this signature wall in my bedroom That was blue and has been blue Since me and my friend Claire Went to South America two years ago

And it was a very sort of like South American deep blue And it was very like a life of first I'm going, I'm worn with a signature wall. I'd really like made lots of things in that bedroom and was really... She made it a closet out of piping. I meant a closet out of piping. It's sounds shit, but it's nice.

It's great. Like I'd really invest a lot into that room. It's very hard for me to leave and I didn't want to paint this wall. I mean, there are people still living in the house. I didn't have to do it. I could have just left it. I was like, there's going to be a point in the future where someone says they're going to take 500 pounds off the deposit, come back and paint this wall.

Yeah. I was like, just do it, just have some closure, just get everything out of here. And I did it. And it was. is the best thing to do. Great. That is really good. I would not have done that because,

and then I would have really regretted it in like two years time. Yeah, exactly. Because I was like, I'll do it later. It doesn't matter. It's not necessary right now. And I was like, just clear everything. Just put the keys. And I was even like, I guess I'll hold onto the keys for a while

because I might need something. I was like, put the keys in the letter box. Just close that door. Like, just walk away now. And I bet it felt good. It felt great. It was very, very hard to do. And then afterwards it felt great.

Yes. Because there's a reason. why you wanted to do it in the first place. I had to say a lot of thank yous to the house. God, you had to have a maricondo a whole house. Yeah, I did. So stressed. With the painting, the wall thing, we've been living in our flat for like a year

and so there's just, there are scuffs and stuff. And the worst one was done by me because I came... That is no surprise. I came... Although there is one on the ceiling that my boyfriend did, and I don't understand what he's done to do it. Like, I don't... Was he like waving

a bit of charcoal around? Like, I don't understand but the boy's one was me because I came home with a suitcase and there was a was a was a wasp in the flat and I screamed and threw the suitcase at the wall and then it's just a massive thing and it'd be really easy just to just paint over it the landlord is given us a little thing of paint as well it's really sweet I just haven't done it why not well first I'm like well I'll do it and then it'll just look like a weird bit of paint a blob of paint on a wall like it won't blend in so one I'll come around and do it for you if you want and two it's that'd be weird but you can if And two, it will blend in.

It will be like, like magic. Why am I still such a baby? You go, it's like magic, I'm like, oh, that sounds good. Yeah, honestly, it will feel so pleasing and good to do. Once you're doing one, it'll be like when you've got a pair of scissors and you're like, hmm, what else you're like? I got first of secretures and I, this is my adult thing, is Denny. Got a pair of secretaires, actually I didn't.

My boyfriend did. But then I, aprop of nothing, saw, he bought some lavender ages ago. and I've been really unable to emotionally engage with the plants that he's bought on the balcony because I'm frightened that they will die like plant he died. Understood. So he waters them and he does it and I kind of don't do anything. And he has mentioned like, do you want to like contribute, please? He was not expecting this like incredibly deep psychological conversation.

I think it just speaks to my deep fear of motherhood and nurturing. And it's best if I don't touch the lavender. And I know that they will one day die. And then after this deep psychological conversation, I thought, I have to learn to emotionally engage. Things will leave me and things will go. And this is a constant thing in my life that I've not realised until like literally this month.

I keep things at arms like because I'm frightened, they'll go. And I don't invest in like, so that our lovely flat, I haven't really been like the homemaker because I've been like, well, we're going to have to move out. And I don't want to move out. So then I saw this lavender and I was like, I know you have to cut it back. And I know that that's the thing to do before winter.

And I looked at it up and I was like, I'm going to tend to the lavender. So I cut the lavender back as per the internet article I was reading about gardening. And then I got over-excited and used the cuttings, dried them, and made little bundles for next-to-beds. Jesus Christ, well done. I felt like a, I felt like a, not-me. Wow. And my boyfriend nearly fainted when he came home.

A little bundle of dried lavender. I kept this ribbon. I just feel like, sure you'll understand this. There's a ribbon or the thing. I was like, I'm sure I'll need a ribbon one more. May I just chime in today? Move to my parents' house. cleared some of their banking out of a drawer,

filled it with ribbons. So you couldn't have got that more. It's the only thing I've unpacked. I've got to have a bloody owl. You draw a ribbon. You draw a ribbon. That's amazing. Well, I would normally say,

get the ribbons out and use the drawer for something useful, but I use the ribbon to tie up little bundles of lavender, so who knows? Like, you may use all of them. I'm so happy for you. So that was a real, real big old time for me. That's so wonderful. Right.

How does they know? Yes. So what work stuff first then. I think one of the main things that I've learned about work is that less words is better. So when I first started work, and it was same with like when I first started doing CVs, when I first started having a first job interview. Like, for example, my CV, I would name every single job I'd ever done and then like have a, hobby is an interest section.

Like nobody reads that. Just get to the point. And with emails as well, real long, grambling email. And then the point is like in the last paragraph. whereas now I send, I do send one-line emails. Friendly, but to the point. The same thing is if you can't do something, don't be like, I'm so sorry, I can't do because I've got this,

I've got this, I've got this, I should actually do it, but maybe, I don't know, maybe, because then what will happen is you'll just in front of the person, talk yourself into doing it, and end up being like, I've wanted to, I should know, I want to. You will have to probably at work, just give like a reason, but that reason doesn't have to be specific. So you could say, no, sorry, I can't, I'm just too busy. That is enough of a reason.

You don't have to then say what you're doing. You don't have to say, like, why you're too busy. And also crucially, you don't have to fully interrogate, am I too busy? Because if you do feel like, oh, that'll be tricky to do. Just don't do it. If it's something that can be done by somebody else, then delegate it. Or if it can be done the next day, it can feel like you can't. But actually, if you interrogate it a little bit further, you can always take something out.

You have to make sure that you have space rather than saying yes to everything. And then you're completely rammed. You have to have room in between the tasks to, like, think about the tasks and not just be like, do everything badly. I think that's a really key issue is like not doing 10 tasks quite badly, they're doing five well. When I get asked to do things, always my instinct is to be like, yes, I'll do everything. Lovely, thrilled. Wonderful. And genuinely, with all the time in the world, most things people ask me to do, I'm like, yeah, I would like to do that thing.

Yeah. My not being able to say no is generally because I haven't got the time. Or that I feel I should because it feels like a good thing to do or I feel like, oh, somebody would have loved to do this thing. So many things will come from saying yes to something that you didn't expect to say yes, Sus. Well, I have to see us everything then because I might meet someone there who would give me more work. Exactly. It's a good thing. And you don't. And somebody said me the other day when I was saying like, oh, I just don't want to let everyone down.

I'm like, absolutely. But in that list of people that you mustn't let down, one of them is yourself. Oh, God. It was comedian Nish Kumar. Nish Kumar is such a font of knowledge. Isn't it just? And I like, whoa, okay. because that when you are trying to do everything for

and not let anybody down and do your best you forget to be like oh what do I need and it's such a you're not a superhero it's not a British and it's a very un-British thing and it's something that we really really struggle with this like taking what do I need like what do I actually it's kind of cool to be so busy that you can't breathe

my least favorite thing is when I am actually too busy and I have to say it to somebody because I feel like a wanker like I can't I'm so busy but you don't so a crucial thing is that you don't actually have to say I'm so busy so busy you say I'm afraid I can't fit in work on different ways of phrasing the thing because so often if I know I can't do it I begin the email with like ah I can written out we and somebody wrote someone did that to me the other day and wrote ah

down and I was like it looks insane it does like mad it looks completely mad was it me no it wasn't it was like I'm sure I've done that you you definitely have no it wasn't you but I do remember thinking gosh I've really got to keep my own paper about lid on the, and keep their lid on that because it is all right to ask for help. It is all right to say, you know, to do those things

without bringing that like, oh, goodness, I'm so bit, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And like, putting so much fath, 100 words where 10 would do. Yeah, and an amazing thing I saw with, your boss says, can you do this thing?

And you know that you, or someone's asked you to do something that you already are doing lots of things for to say, sounds great, but I won't be able to do that with the current schedule. Let me know if you want me to

re-prioritize. Oh, hello. Hello. Because then that puts it on then to be like, why don't you not do that today? Yeah. Swap it in for that rather than you having to go, what will they want? Because your instinct is to go, yes, lovely, absolutely. Certainly.

I'll do more if you need. Like, I'll take on anything. A constant. So something I want to talk about is learning to listen to your instinct, we call it your wizard. Feeling like there's an old wizard inside you that, you know, sometimes you have an instinct and it turns out to be right. and you're like, I should have listened to that.

It's your gut. It's like your intuition. It's any of those words. Or is a small wizard going, I told you that. It's however you want to label it. Where is it a wizard? Like, it's interesting.

I think it's because when... He's wise and knows everything. When he gets it right, he goes like... Like a wizard. And also he's got a crystal ball. I think that's part of it. Yes, he's magical. He listens when someone says,

can you do this, his crystal ball says like, they're going to forget this or you're not going to have enough time. Yeah. When it comes to it, you're going to hate these. said yes to that. Yeah, you're going to forget that. That's what he's doing, looking in his crystal ball and being like, mm-hmm, hmm, or just your own yourself, your own gut.

Learning to listen to that is such a hard thing to do in such a big part of, like, being a grown-up and, like, realizing that you're like, oh, I was right about that. Oh, okay, I should learn to listen to that feeling. And there was this experiment called the Solomon Ash-A-C-H conformity experiment from the 30s, but they still do it today. Seven people came into a room, and they were doing a test on a perception and eyesight. So say that you were the seventh person or sixth person around the table. I put up three lines of varying different size and I say, A, B, and C, can you tell me which one is the longest?

So we do like three rounds where everyone goes around being like A, A, A, and everyone's saying their word out loud. And then we do one where it's quite small the difference, but it's definitely B, that is the longest. But the first person says A, and then everyone says A around the table. And so then you are like, it's B. Right. But everyone else has said A very confidently. And it turns out everybody else in the room is part of the experiment. And you're the only person.

I love those experiments. I'm my favorite one. And you are the only person isn't. We did it in A level psychology. Yeah. Our teacher sent somebody to the library to get something and told us what it was. They came back and we did it. And I remember her being consistently, people do last for three rounds, three things, being like, guys, it's B.

But saying A before they're like, oh, is this, what's going on? Some people just commit the whole way through. and some people, but nobody ever does it the first time. That's so interesting. No one ever trusts themselves on that first one. In my head, I'm like, I bet I would. Yeah, but I bet wouldn't. Consistently, it's such a thing that we don't,

even though we knew we were right, we don't listen to ourselves because everybody else so confidently said something else. Yeah. And we've got to, we've got to listen. You've got to sit to your guns. So when your wizard is saying, you're going to regret it.

There's a difference when you say yes to something that you know that you will do, and then when you say yes is something that already you're like, think when it comes to that I'm gonna I've got like three things at the moment happening next week that I've known for a month that I don't want to do and I just I'm gonna do them what are they without upsetting anybody it will upset people so I can't what are they I put off put off and put off and I've all fallen the same week so it's like big week big week coming up a big week of coming up of things that you put off and put off and put off and so really key one that we all use is like oh I can't right now but do ask me again in the future or like I can't do this week

If you know it's always going to be no, just say no. Say no. I think that's really important. And also putting it off works so much for like, if you've got friends that, I don't know, I think everyone's got like a few friends. One of you's annoyed the other one or like whatever. But you still seem to meet up every two months. And it's like two months.

I don't have any of those. I like everyone. God. I only got one, but it's really okay. I won't say that then because it makes me sound like a dick. So, we're going to talk about saying no to friends because. I have a massive problem with it. Steve's got a massive problem.

Me and Desert just went off air for about 45 minutes and I talked about all the times that I can't say no to friends and that I didn't want to say on the podcast because I was too embarrassed. Yeah, but we've got here now. And we're going to try and work through some of them. Everybody has got a friend or multiple friends that they feel like they, every relationship it needs to be give and take

and they feel like they are just giving and being taken from and not taking anything back. And some relationships, friendships become like that because friendships that you made when you were 11 and were just based on like how good you both were at conquers. If you had pogs. Or what kind of pogs you were packing. I mean, I was packing some good pox. No, no part of me questions that. You were absolutely running the pog syndicate.

I was. And so those things, like you had a fun time together in the playground. And then you're grown-ups and suddenly it's 4 a.m. And you're coaching each other through, you know, total life breakdowns and awful things happening. friendship becomes much more about support than it does about like mutual entertainment. Yeah. And that's just a thing that happens when you get older. And trying to get out then of friendships that you're like, actually I don't like this.

Yeah. You haven't got friends that you don't want to see. And it sounds weird to say that because why would I have friends I don't want to see? I don't really. But there are, they're having people in the past where, which I don't kind of hang out with anymore, where I found it difficult to I've been like why aren't I enjoying this communication

that we're having? Like, why aren't I looking forward to the drinks I'm having with them next week? Why do they make me feel bad? And then people have been like, just stop saying them and I've been like, I can't. And actually probably still have friends like that

that I guess I have to see them again. So I don't have any, I like all of my friends, but I also probably have upset plenty of people along the way. Do you see them too often? Do you just need to be like, suck it up and see them once a year

and like just get through it. Yeah. Or is this something that like finding that line of like, oh, is this actually quite a detrimental relationship that I physically dread going to see this person? Yeah. In which case, I think like just let them continue to do the, you know, legwork.

Do the legwork. And if they want to see you, like, they have to do all the organizing and the planning and stuff and quietly try and like extract yourself. I think I'm such a coward. I just would have to ghost them. I would never ghost someone in terms of a relationship because I think for some reason I just don't think that.

respectful was I think with friends I think it's because if you go someone in a relationship you're their only you presume you're their only person yeah whereas with friends you know that that person has other friends yeah if your relationship with your friend that you want that you're not happy with anymore if you're not happy with it they're probably not happy with it either you can drift away from people I I've drifted away from people that I genuinely really like and I've had to be like God let's meet up again because we have a matter but it's so easy to drift because often and your lives go in different directions and you're like

oh my God but I love that person why don't I see them anymore so you can drift away from people that you don't like because that naturally happen anyway it's not actually as hard to drift from somebody so imagine that your two boats you just sort of just happen to turn the wheel a little bit yeah encourage the drift yeah so you can i think just turn the wheel a little bit and when you see this person make a point of not if it's always them telling you about your life make a point of not asking any questions or yeah just make be on your guard be on your guard I guess.

Yeah. It sounds like a relaxing evening. Yeah, it sounds very stressful. I think like it's obviously it really is a real issue for you. Yeah, so it is for me personally, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think it's, that is a very universal thing. I find it very difficult to say no to social things.

And then when they arrive often, I've said yes to everything. So I have to flake. And then I hate, there anything worse for me than saying no to a social event, it's then flaking on it. can't stand it. I'm laying everyone down. It's so much nicer to say no than it is to them flake. Yes, exactly. I have to learn to be like, I'm so sorry

and I have to look at my diary and go, oh look, according to my diary, I'm going out every single night and I know for a fact I need time by myself and what I do is I'm just like, what is a free night there? Okay, I'll just fill it again and I don't look at the days around and then I get to and I'm like, I am exhausted. I've got out three nights in a row, not like out, but just

like I've done socialising. I need to be, and so then I end up like, can thing on the other two, like the Thursday and the Friday, but on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. It's just really bad, and I think I need to remember that. People are like, hey, we're all going bowling. You're like, I don't want to go bowling. And on the WhatsApp, you're like, I love bowling more than anything,

and I'll definitely be there. Why have I said that? So, there is a line between, so you can just. I've now changed the WhatsApp group name to Stevie Loft bowling. So exactly. You've just, you just, if you don't want to go bowling, you can. I'm busy. So easy.

Just say, oh, so sorry, I can't do that night. Yeah, so easy. Done, ow. Like, so simple. No one got her. doing that and going, oh God, I bet they're flake, like, I just kind of go, God, they can't do that night. But if I do it, I'm like,

why? We turn ourselves like into knots in this like, oh God, I don't want them to be so, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, so much better to have people who want to be at the bowling, go bowling. Oh, have a great time. And then someone doesn't show up dripping in sweat from seven different events, being like,

you've got me for 45 minutes, so let's get a strike in and then I've got to go. Give me some chips from the wimpy. Get the sides up, I can't bowl. Better like people who just wanted to be bowling, bowled. You know? Of course. So from here on out, you just say...

And anyone listening who knows me, can you not invite me to go bowling? Just don't. Thank you. That's the takeaway. One of the top tips is don't Constanza it, which I had to look up and I thought, I wonder what that means. But it is from George Constanza from Seinfeld, who was always making up insane lies.

He was always inventing crazy things that had happened. Don't say you're... your grandmothers died again because someone would be like, hang on, I think she must have had six grandmothers. But regardless of whether or not people find out your lie, it's an insane thing to do. And you don't have to tell the truth either. Like I also, I think actually the thing that I used to do

was that I'd be like so terrified that people would think I was flaking because I just couldn't be bothered. Yeah. That I would nail my balls to the wall. I think, this is the right, correct phrase, and say exactly why. If it was something embarrassing, like, oh, I haven't slept all night and I genuinely feel like a,

like, they don't need. to know that information. You just have to say, I'm so sorry, something's come up and I can't make it. Like, it's so much easier to keep it specific, but also vague. That's the ideal balance. We should talk about suitors. Please. Which is, when someone is being quite pushing, like, won't stop giving you attention. A lot of the time, well, I will say everything other than no. I'll ignore them. I'll go, okay, I'm just trying to read. I am really trying to read. I'll go on my phone. I'll do a fake phone call. I'll do anything other than me like

I'm sorry it is a no so could you please leave me alone and that's all you have to say but I think there's a different thing going on which isn't present often you'd hope with friends in the workplace which is that there's a threat there is this person now going to follow me home and trying it into my house

very unlikely but you can't help thinking that there's a way of saying I'm so sorry it is a no can you just leave me alone which isn't aggressive it's just in the way that you say it's just to be firm and assertive and I've sort of read around all the different ways you can say it

and I really do think that that that is like the constant one which is just you have to be direct because there's this school of thought that women are often almost bilingual in the way that we read emotional cues and read between the lines of things often better than men not always

and men speak directly and then that's why a lot of differences in communication between men and women will end with why don't you understand or like it was really obvious what I was doing they're like we didn't say it. Are you an idiot? Is a lot of what I will say.

I didn't realize you're a moron. A lot of them just respond well to directness. So that works when somebody is giving you attention. Also, it's very difficult not to be emotional about it because it's obviously caught up in a wider conversation of men thinking that they can just be pushy with women. And the no means no and all of that. And I find it difficult not to immediately get incredibly angry at the person

and like flip the bird. When someone cackles me, my initial thing is just to go, fuck off! And I think that's fine for catcrawling, but you can't meet it with aggression because nothing will ever be solved and you'll just explode stuff. And also you're dealing with someone who clearly isn't very socially aware. Otherwise they wouldn't be doing it. So you just have to like, if you're alone, then obviously that's very, very different. You just have to get out of this situation and find a place that isn't isolated and make sure that your safety is first.

But if you're like on a packed train and someone won't stop talking to you, if you say, I'm so sorry, it's a no and I'm trying to read, you just leave me alone, then everyone around you is also then immediately alert to the situation rather than being like, well, she might be interested. You've made such a statement that then that makes it easier for the people around you to then go, she just said she wasn't interested rather than, she just went, oh, oh, oh, gosh, thank you. Thank you. But, oh. And being, like, nice about it. A lot of people have written things like, if someone, I mean, one of them is like, let's look at a few examples of saying no to men. And the first example is, a man offers to give you a massage. I mean, wow.

Where? Where are you? I'd be like, sure. My back's very bad. My back is killing me. But like a man asks you out and like, won't stop asking you out or a woman. But let's be honest,

it tends to be men that do this persistent kind of asking out thing in public when they've never met you. Or if it's a friend as well, that's very, it works for this as well. To be kind and then say no. Well, the example that they've used here, which I think sounds a little bit still to be, you can obviously rework it is I feel really flattered. asking me out and I really appreciate it and not but and I do have to decline because I'm not

currently interested in dating or you don't have to have that because at all no you can just say you don't have to justify anything you don't have to and it's a no yeah it feels so alien in your mouth and it's a no they say here always say and instead of but and it sounds weird but it's a powerful emotional message to try and train yourself to eliminate the word but from your vocabulary as much as possible but it's saying oh I would have done yeah yeah you're right when you say but you go bad and you become smaller you yeah exactly You've made a full decision and you are fully in control rather than wavering makes them think it's not definitely enough. You have to really be very clear.

I think I'm actually very good at when, you know, when somebody likes you and you can tell and they haven't said, I fancy you, but you know that they do. I think I'm good at like making it clear to them that I'm not interested without being like, I'm not interested. But sometimes they don't pick that up. And then you have to be like, I've been like twice as it happened to me where I've literally had to say, I said I have a boyfriend, which I hate because I shouldn't have to say that.

But then in those situations, with friends and persistent people that you know, and it's not just a stranger, I think you can give them a chance to read between the line before you go like, I do not wish for your further attention. Thank you. That's very flattering.

And I don't think it would work between us. And then if they still don't get it, you can behave in a way that doesn't reciprocate their flirting. My preferred option of choice, is there'll be a point where they'll say something quite flirty or something. I will completely act as if they haven't said it or that they've said something totally normal.

So it just doesn't work. So then they will usually stop. But if they don't, then you have to be clear. It's so nice. It's so flattering. And I'm just not interested in dating now. So it's a no. And also just being aware that like there's so, so much sort of stuff a moment about

like the men and women thing and like not listening to each other. And all this is like so much in the news at the moment. And then you see people writing about like, don't have to stay in any situation that you don't want to be in like it's okay to and someone was talking about um her mother saying like it was always all right to like leave a sleepover or whatever kid oh god that is powerful because you didn't think you did you was you trapped yeah and you know saying you don't have to stay if you don't want to don't let that rhetoric of like it'll be over soon don't ruin it just don't make a fuss and i was like god that rhetoric is so deep yeah in all of us

to be like i wouldn't dream of leaving a sleepover like i wouldn't have it wouldn't have dreamt of doing it Don't make a bother. I got a stroke at a party two months ago and I had to leave because I couldn't stop throwing up and I felt awful about the fact that I had to go and everyone was just like, just go and I'm so sorry, no, maybe I'll maybe come back or I'll just go home and I had to go home and lie down with frozen piece of my head. Why do I feel guilty about leaving?

It's fine. You can leave. You can leave. You can say no to a thing. No is a full sentence in itself. Oh wow. You can say no. Why not?

you're like, I don't have to give a reason. Yeah. The answer is no. Thank you. That's nice as well. And there's kind of smiley firmness. Smiley firm. I don't have to give a reason.

And really practicing the no muscle. So it comes out more naturally and doesn't come with a, put this and I'm sorry. You don't have to be sorry for saying no. And if there's a silence, don't fill it. Don't fill it. That's not on you. And I know it's a real lot of mental gymnastics to get in your head that you shouldn't just, you know, oh, it's just lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely. Lovely.

I'll do everything. Yes, please. Yeah, please. I think that was very useful, very strong, very powerful. No is a sentence. No, it is a sentence. No. So just practice in the workplace saying,

that sounds great. Let me know if you want me to reprioritize. I won't have space in my current schedule. Don't say, yes, definitely, and buy yourself time if you know you never want to do it because it's going to come back to bite you. I did that this week and put something off and say like, oh, lovely, but we'll be away for a while.

And someone was like, great, well, we'll do it in January. And I was like, oh no. Oh, God. Yeah, don't put it off. You have to nip it in the way. the blood early on. Because then you're like, well, you've blown your reason now. You've said, oh, I would love to, but I don't have the time. And then when they say, oh, time's no issue, you're like, oh, oh, bloody hell, I fucked it. I fucked it here. So don't make that up. Just,

just give your reasons right at the top. Just be honest. And we've got, we're so bad at being honest. You don't want to upset anybody. It does so much more damage and no one's going to think you're an awful person. Because that's the thing, people think you're a dick if you're, if you're rude and if you're horrible, not for the saying no. You're allowed to have your own opinions and not want to do a thing or not have the time to do it, that's not going to upset anybody. What will upset people is flaking and meanness or like arriving half-assed and being like, well, I'm here.

And then, what do you want? What do you want for me? Like that's the bit that will upset people, not being there is fine. It's better. It's better that it's quality over quantity always and that you provide good, that you do your best at something. Just do your best. Just do your best.

For goodness sake. So if you want to tweet the word no at us at Nobody Panic Pod, I'm at Stevie and the S of 5. I'm at Tessa, no, no, codes. And yes, email is Nobody Panicpublicest at gmail.com. Just have a lovely week of being, like, calmly. Just practice. Say no.

Say no. Don't do things you're going to do. This week and see how it goes, and then let us know. Let us know. Let us know, let us know. No. No. No.

Bye.