Nobody Panic - How to Socialise When You Can't Be Arsed (Live at Hyde Park Book Club, Leeds - Book Tour)

Episode Date: February 1, 2022

Got to go to a thing but would absolutely rather not? Firstly, do you HAVE to go? OK. Fair enough. Here are some ways you can get through that social event when your eye is on the door and all you can think about it being in bed/face down on the sofa covered in crisps. Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded live at Hyde Park Book Club, Leeds and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Follow Nobody Panic on Twitter @NobodyPanicPodSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. everybody and welcome to Nobody Panic are coming to you live from the first direct stadium

it is gorgeous to be here thank you very much for having us oh it's great beautiful city absolutely cool um so in a good way so um today the episode that we've decided to do is very close to our hearts is um how because basically the podcast if you don't know is like a how to each week and this one is going to be how to socialize when you can't be asked

CBA or have forgotten how or tried out and thought oh my god I haven't got a personality anymore Yes very much or too much personality I was too much actually at that party I need to leave a new person now that's kind of tends to be what my vibe is it's absolutely I've been to like quite a few things and just left being like who was that woman I was yeah very much my life it's tough I mean we've all it's been a tough it's been a tough old time hasn't it lads so it's not been fun and it's hard to come back out. But very much thought at this point, I'd be fine

now. It was like, I remember I'll in May 1 March? It was like, oh God, there's so many articles about like, I mean, like, you know, how to socialise and I can't. It was like, oh yeah, good, we're all like re-emerging and now it'll come to it. Still can't do it. Surely this incredibly intense global pandemic would have actually like, you know, it had like a four week window

and then we're fine, but no, turns out not. So we're going to get into that. We are, basically we've collected all your, like, adult we found this little bag. We leather pouch. We suspect it's for very important audio equipment, but we've taken it. It's taken final things. We're just going to read up to me of things.

And then we're just going to enjoy the adult nature. I just really love it. I love to hear what you've been up to. I love how... Packed the appropriate amount of underwear for one night away, one plus a spare in case I weren't myself. I thought this the other day. I went away for three days. I packed five pairs of fans. Like, oh, am I

shit myself? At any moment. Who knows? The amount of the pants you bring when having not shut yourself, perhaps. in years, but suddenly you're like, it could be at any moment. Come to Leeds, four pairs in my bag. Actually, you've got like ten pairs of tights. Of like a varying opacity. Someone here might need them.

Anything could happen, you know? I found a screwdriver already electric. And I tightened the handles on my pans, so they no longer wobbled. Oh, my gorgeous. Why don't even if pans had screws? Okay, finally emptied out dead flowers from the vase in my apartment. and then washed the vase.

Oh, yeah. I think it's an exclamation mark, but it's... I thought it was a question mark. I think they did wash the bar. We supplied the lovely chap on the door with a pen so he could tick off names. Oh, it's all coming in...

Also, if I may, he was adorable. He was... And see, you all did think it. He's... What a nice boy! And I've got to the age now where I am like, and how old are you? Just too.

Just for me to... gauge if I can flirt or care for you, you know? Like, which one is it? Because if it's under 20, it will be the latter. Or 21. That's a sweet vibe. Come home with me. I think his name's Joshua.

Is he here? Fucking hell. Right. Sorry, Joshua. I emptied the washing machine filter and bleached the tea stains out of my mugs to went to a conference for professional... Sorry, I fucked it up. To went to a conference for professional development.

So specific, it's so vague. Started my Christmas shopping a month early. I'm normally dashing around the shops mid-December. Yes. Making a fish stew by rubbing salt into the fish and leaving it for 20 hours, this makes for a very stiff fish. There's a really gorgeous couple in the middle

who'd not ever come to the podcast before and they didn't know the show, and I hope to God that was one of theirs. Tell them about the stiff fish. Roger, tell him about the stiff fish. They'll absolutely love that. started giving my dog's joint supplements. Again.

Oh, okay, okay. As in knees and elbows. I was like, like, like weed. Genuinely, I was like, I don't know if that's, I'd have to give my dog a joint. Yeah, yeah. That's why she's so chilled out. Put new bed sheets on as soon as I took the old ones off

rather than leaving it until bedtime and feeling regret. You do feel that, don't you? Like, oh, it's all like, you've got your nude mattress. You don't want to go. Oh, there's nothing worse. You come and you think, oh, bedtime's hours away now. My friend couldn't think of an adult thing, but she is literally a health and safety advisor,

which baffles me. She is such an adult every day. Yeah, good for you. The performance of that really brought some more layers into it that we didn't have earlier. Brought snacks to this event for my friend in case she gets peckish. Oh.

Look at you all looking after your friends. That's so illegal because this place serves food, so you're going to have to leave, I'm afraid. Yeah, those snacks, get them out. worked out how to turn off the heated towel rail in my new flat after six days. If anything, that's really fast. Turn it on again.

It's cold. Well done. I would have lived with that for years. For my life. Nearly didn't come here today because I was nervous about coming on my own, but here I am. Made in New York Times soup recipe. Very nice.

Didn't say if it was good or not. Didn't say if it was good or not. Holy shit. Put freshly cut. Put flowers from my garden in the spare room for guests staying. Oh, it's got a spare room as well. Humblebra. A spare room.

Yes, fresh blooms, my God. Wash my jumpers on a wool wash and actually put them out flat today. That's more what we were hoping for, you know? Remember to take my vitamins this week. Yes. Made a Christmas wreath for the door of my first house. Oh, very good. And then this is penultimate.

took the bin out before it was full. Yes. And another smiley face. And then, another smiley face. And then here, again, feels like they weren't completely on board. But bringing us home, drank to the very bottom of my coffee mug. We can all agree. That was the most powerful one.

And why not? And I'm glad we let that till last. Okay. Just every day being like, God, I hate that coffee. I don't have it. You don't have to have it. You don't have to. I really love that.

One of the most very powerful things I learned. was that you can just finish, if you don't like a book, you can just stop reading it. Rather than being like, I must finish it! And then like 10 years later, you're like, oh my God.

It was really nice. I finished a book on holiday and I hated it so much, I threw it into the pool. And I... Not necessary. I was so crass. It was such a bad twist

at the end. I hated it. Oh! It was that one about the bees. And it was like... Imagine, listen to this. Imagine the Hunger Games. Oh, the bees.

And it's called The Bees. I really enjoyed it as a book. I know. That's why I really enjoyed it as a book. I know. That's why I read it. I was, and I hated it.

And then I threw it in the pool. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, so I just thought we'd give some examples of just like recent, uh, socialization, uh,

examples. Yeah. You know, uh, that is a sentence. Um, basically, uh, J,

uh, when we went to that party and you asked your friend if she would like to come and she messaged you going, do you want me to come or, or would you not like me to come? I don't want me to come now. That's the sort of vibe. So we,

I've noticed that on WhatsApp and like in WhatsApp and like in WhatsApp, groups and just in general people's neuroses have really come to the fore here, including my own. Mine are that I just don't reply to anything ever, so I've turned off my red receipts, I just pretend I've not seen any WhatsApp, it's not helpful. Very cold as a woman.

But a lot of people are, so another example is in the end of March. My friend messaged me saying, I don't have any plans for the bank holiday. It's the end of May that she's talking about. I was like, well, I don't know what, I'm single, what shall I do? I was like, that is not up to me.

Like, it's in three months. Like, you're fine. And, yeah, so basically everyone is, and so it can feel like as well. Not only I personally sometimes feel a little bit like I don't want to socialise because I'm not quite like in the vibe yet, but it can also feel like everyone's mad.

I'm not to be in a room with those people and deal with their complete and utter insanity. Everyone at this point has gone 100% bonko. Everyone is out to lunch. Everyone is mad. And I think we're really, we're all like, oh my God, I feel crazy. but then you hear people and you're like, you're nuts.

And then everyone's just been completely nuts together. And we've also really lost the bit, you know, we're not... Small talk, it's gone. Small talk, like, how are you? Oh, I wish for death. Yeah. Just good Lord. I honestly had a four-minute conversation with someone I hadn't seen for like five years

this day. And the conversation escalated, I was like, how's it going? And it escalated within about three exchanges to him saying, I don't think I've got any ambition in life and that's my problem. I was like, good Lord. I don't know what to do with this. So I just sort of kept plying in with drinks being like, why is that?

He was like, no, I'm fine with that. I've made peace with it. I don't think you have. It's just, it's tough, isn't it? And even like, well, I mean, this is like, when it was in the deep, the really bad bit, the deep, you know, deep, proper lockdown

supermarket once a week, you know, masks on little basket, eyes down, you know, like, in case it was transmitted through your eyes. You mustn't look at anyone in the eye, that's how they catch it. Yes, okay. You know, little basket, like, you know,

being like, like you're in the fucking handmaid's tail. You know, perhaps they'll be meat today. You know, like that bit. And I saw a friend in the frozen food aisle of the supermarket. And we were talking and as people passed us, we were like, we met, we met by accident. You know, like they were like, it wasn't planned. And I, and it wasn't planned. And then I told a story that was, if I may, objectively, quite a good story.

And then instead of laughing, she went, like that noise. And then I said it, but then she went, that is a relatable anecdote. I was like, we are, this is God, we what is this, but I truly believe it's coming back. And also as well, I think a lot of socialising in general, even before all this happened, my thing was like, oh, you know when you're travelling somewhere and you're like, oh, no, I'm not, I'm not on form.

Yeah. Oh, I'm not going to be sparkling. Yeah. I just know it. And how do I get, how do I get good before I get to the party? And then you arrive and you say something like, and then like, oh, no, I fucked it. I fucked it.

Fucked it. Everyone knows. And all you can think the whole time is like, oh, that was weird. What I just said, okay, I looked too deeply into their eyes. Like, why did I stare at them? And you constantly have this little commentary going on. And I think that's ramped up as well. And I think one of like the main things to kind of like, that has helped me or that can help is to be aware that nobody really knows

if you're on form or not because everyone is too busy going like, why have I worn those socks? Or like, oh no, my hat's come off and everyone's going to laugh at me. me. I think I was wearing a baseball cap and I arrived at a party in like the first thing I said was like, I'm sorry about my hat. It's like, it's a hat. Yeah, that's it. That's it. I think everybody's just got their own new fashion now. Oh, that's a thing. Just do your own thing. Fish nets. I was wearing fishnets a lot. Not now. Well, if I may, you look like you're in the craft and you look fantastic. I watched a film called Practical Magic two days ago. It's actually

quite a disjointed film. When I was like nine, I thought it was a real barren. I thought it was a real It doesn't stand up to... It doesn't stand up, but it is a lot of fun and aesthetically it's very this and this is what I've gone for. Now I have no thoughts of my own. I just copy whatever film I've watched previously. So hopefully they watch a Western

before the next week. It's just like a Clint Eastwood. The magic thing, I mean, you're wearing a sort of amulet. Oh yes. Sorry, this is... What, this? This crystal I bought at 3am before the book launch because I was frightened of going. Yes.

Literally that is, yes. It's supposed to bring me something. Well, yeah, the magic has obviously really seeped into your personality at the moment. On the train on the way here, Stevie looked out of the window and under her breath, she went, I just want to be a wizard. Oh, God. Oh, God. So that's what I was like, oh, so my thing is like, I'm cold and like I don't text back.

No, it's not. My thing is I want to be a wizard. That's the neuroses that I'm bringing to the table. I think it's, even pre-pandemic, even way back when, you know, You sort of, and I think we both are definitely guilty of this, you'd go to a party. And like, I want to be, I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to, so you would just leave, you would open, you'd be like, hello, this is Brian. You'd be like, hello, Brian.

And then you would say, the maddish shit you possibly could. And I think we all just go to chill out of this, like, I don't need to be the star of the party. I don't need to be telling the best stories. I can be just really listening and really asking good questions of other people. And small talk doesn't have to be talk. It can be staring. Small, no, listen, small, small questions. Small questions.

Small questions. Small talk, you know, like just, we're just asking questions here. It doesn't have to be like, okay, here's my best story. I've talked about this on the podcast before, but I must tell you again. Once back in the days of like saying anything, I, it was this is a, oh, sorry, it's like school friends and this was sort of, and then everyone would have gone off to different universities and then at Christmas a friend had thrown this big party and there was obviously disparate groups and this was sort of first time everyone was like, oh, we're all

meeting new people. And I got talking to this boy and he was so good. quiet and really hard work and instead of just being like well lovey to meet you and leaving I was like it's my job it's my job to make this boy laugh I'm the jester of the party you know like it's not your job

so much pressure on yourself to be like the court jester of the party you don't have to do that you can just be like well love you to meet you and I hope we see you again later I'm just gonna go get a drink and you're out it doesn't have to be like I would do a bit nothing then I would be like another bit for the Lord and then like would he like to see me juggle? Like I was just, I was crazy.

And then I was like, right. Because you would juggle as well. I mean, you do that, parties out. Yeah. To impress him. He wouldn't, nothing humorless to the point of death. Wouldn't crack a smile. I was like, what does he want?

What does he want? So I was like, he hasn't enjoyed the juggles. He hasn't enjoyed that gag. I've done a poem. He didn't like that. Right. A sex story. You can't go wrong.

I told him. I told him the norunchiest story I knew, which was a story about the hostess of the party, having sex with a boy at university. And it was a very, the story that she told me, and it was very funny, and it was about this boy, you know, having sex with this boy, and, you know, that he, you know, anyway,

I'm telling this story, I'm doing all the bits. I'm obviously, I'm acting it out, I'm doing voices, and across the room I see the hostess, look over. Like she's in, I don't know, like inception. She just, um, everything that's happening is like immediately apparent to her. She's been like, she's tried to impress him. He hasn't liked juggling.

She's told him the raunchier story she knows. She's telling that boy a sex story that is about that boy. I told the boy his own sex story. It was the raunchyest story I knew. And so I didn't know it was him. I just was a boy from university. I think he'd be at the party. And then I told it to him with actions and voices.

So my point of this terrible story. story is you do not have to be the jester of the party. You can just calm the fuck down, ask your nice questions and then get the hell out of the small talk situation. Well if you don't feel like your... You don't have to tell the story. You don't have to tell the story. If you feel like you're on, you're not going to be on

form, it's, I feel like it's almost like slipping into autopilot. So you're like, okay, I can't do this, so let's just get the autopilot going, which is you've got your questions and you've got your little... And not... Those, like, questions like, what... So what do you do in your head, my commentaries going, most boring question ever, ask him what his hopes are, what his dreams are,

will he grow a beard? But actually, people don't mind being asked what they do. And everything they say, just pull a little thing out and just ask another question, ask another question, decide to maybe like, you know, all tonight, I'm just going to find out the most interesting thing about these sort of people around me, rather than feeling like you have to offer something. Yeah, definitely. You're not the jester. You're the investigative journalist at the party. Yes, you're the interrogator. Yeah. The FBI interrogator. You're the zero-dard. Shine your 30 of the phone torch on them. But in saying that, like, when you're having,

so when you're having small talk with, one of the things that I struggle with is, yeah, they're kind of like casual like, oh, so how did you get here? And you're like, oh, I took the 41 bus. And then I'm trying to be like, oh, fuck what we're talking about. Sometimes it can be quite nice to just sort of,

you know, like if someone says something like, oh, how are you doing? Rather than to go like, fine, and then stand there, you can, say if you've got something going on that's actually quite like, you know, you've got to make a big decision about work, or you kind of want to leave your job, but you're not sure.

sort of like test it, just say it and actually answer the question properly because then it sort of gets it going, doesn't it get it's a bit juicy? And then they might go like, oh, I left my job. And suddenly you're now having a proper conversation, but someone has to elevate it from small talk to real talk. And also then immediate

that's awful. Real talk. But you do need a real talk gateway drug in there. Like you do need something. You have got to, somebody's got to up that game. And it's either by asking the questions so we get to the good stuff or by being like here's a small truth.

A small truth, not like, here's the raunchest story I've ever heard that could be about you. Like, it could be like, you know, like, no, no, no. No way. But like just something real and honest, so then suddenly you are actually having a normal,

an actual conversation. I think that's the problem is when you have one of those parties where you're just constantly just talking about nothing, then that makes you feel like you're terrible at socialising. I mean, you're actually not. It's just like a bad party and you've not actually invested anything in yourself.

or in the night. There's a joke there. It's just my truth. Yeah, 100%. And it's very easy to be like, oh, this is my, this is my fault. It's like, eh, it's not your fault. Yeah, it's not your fault.

Also starting small as well, so they're not like being like, okay, so I'm feeling kind of bad socialising. So I'm just going to go to this like 400 strong party, rave in a basement, where I'm nobody. Like, you can like start, you can like pop in and then pop back out again.

That's one of my things like, oh, can I stay for an hour? I've got some else on. You haven't. You're going to go home and have a nice bath. Maybe we said yes, that you say, and this is also a very good tip for dating, for anything, for any environment in which you're like, ooh, how long will this go on for? And I don't want to be stuck in it.

Being like, oh, lovely. Yes, I'd love to come to the party. I've got to be at Jeremy's drinks at nine, but I'd love to stop in beforehand. And then when you're there, you're like, not to panic. Nobody panic. Where I've got my clear get-out. Whereas if you arrive at your party and you're like, oh my God, I hate this and I've got no reason to leave early, then it's like, oh my God, how will I get out? But if it's like, I've got Jeremy's drink. you know, you've always got a thing that you're going to and if it's dating, it's like, yeah, lovely. Let's meet, at 7, 8 o'clock I've got to go to this.

And then if you're on the date and you're like, oh, yeah. It's on. It's that nice boy from the top of the stairs. Then you're like, yeah, fuck it, I'm not going to Jeremy's drinks on account of how they were fictional. Don't tell that to the person, obviously. But you just be like, oh, fuck it, I'm not going to go. And then you're like, oh, my God, now it feels like we're both sciving

from Jeremy's drinks, even though they didn't exist. And equally, if you're like, oh, my God, the party's fun. And it's like, there's nothing more cool than if you're throwing a party and people were like, I was supposed to go hours ago, but I'm still here. You're like, oh, great, it's fun. But you give yourself that lovely get-out because you don't want the get-out to be, I'm sorry, I freaked out or I'm sorry. I don't want to be here anymore.

I want to go home. I just had to leave. It's got to be like, oh, I have to go. Also, having somebody at the party or the social event, if you're feeling a little bit, worried about, you're a bit concerned about. Who also, like, feels, you know, like, it feels the same way as he's on the same wavelength. And you can sort of see them as like a base camp. So you can like be with them, someone who's really, really comfortable.

And then like you can go and talk to people that you're like, oh, and then once you start being weird, you can then go back to base camp, do you know what I mean? Find that helpful. Yeah, also with your base camp partner, inventing a clear physical signal that you can do when you're talking to somebody that signifies like, this person is shit.

And I want out. So then your friend can be like, oh, you need to, can you, do you want to come to this? Or like, I just have to get, Sophie's crying again or whatever. I need a week. Can you help me? I need a way. Can you come or whatever?

You know, you know to be like, I'm helping you out of this situation. Because I think often if somebody tries to very subtly say like, are you ready to be happy in this conversation? Yeah. Or like, are you, how are you fixed? You know? Or something subtle like that.

When someone does do that? And then they come and then afterwards you're like, oh, why didn't you say if? And they're like, I came over and said, how are you fixed? What more do you want? Yeah. That did nothing. That isn't.

Oh, are you James Bond? I didn't know the clue. We need to work out actually a good... What is actually a good... Let's workshop this. What's a good thing that you... If you see someone, you're like, oh, they are stuck.

Like, what would you say when you went over to them? Sophie's crying again. Sophie's crying again. Yeah. Oh, okay, well, that's a good workshop. Thank you very much for coming to the brainstorming party. I think I would go for like, you're clearly needed. Otherwise, now you've just joined the shit conversation.

That's my thing. So I keep going over and being like, hey, is anyone want to a drink? And they're like, no. And I'm like, oh, I'm here now. and then I ended up being stuck looking around. Can someone ask me if Sophie's crying, please? Stevie's instinct is to do the kindest thing.

If you're at a party and one of those like a dance circle forms and like people go in, because that's Stevie's nightmare to go in the middle of the thing, she thinks it's everyone else's nightmare. So what she does is run in with them and then like thrust them like a dog.

And I saw her do this reason. I was like, Stevie, what is this? Let them have their moment. And she was like, they need me. I was like, they don't need you. And so I think it's that of being like, do they actually need help in the circle? Or are you just thrusting on them? Here is a helpful one.

It's about, it's the two drinks rule. Love this. You've got to go everywhere with two drinks. So assuming the bar is free, and if not, one of them can be a water, I suppose. Always have two drinks in your hand. And then you feel a little bit less of a lemon because there's nothing worse than being like, I've got my hands. Where are my hands? You're holding one drink and your handsering this.

Yeah. Hey that, hey that. Oh, they're everywhere. You know, so you've got two drinks in your hands, and you're like, oh, now it's a party. And then you're talking to somebody, if they're nice, you're like, oh, I can't find my friend. Do you want this drink? If they're crap, you're like, lovely to meet you. Just got to go and just got to go and give these to Sophie because she's crying.

After all of that, that was the solution. Yeah, it turns out I had it all along. You've got two drinks. Then when you're stuck in a conversation, you get yourself out. Yeah, sorry. I think it's like, the more that you can turn off the sort of panic bit of your brain that's like, Oh my God, how am I going to get out? How am I going to leave this party? How long do I have to stay?

What if I'm saying this thing? I'm like, hey, chill out. Don't worry. You've got two drinks. You can go in a bit. You've got Jeremy's due later. You've got your clear plan. And now you can relax into this conversation and just try and have a nice time.

Ask them some questions. And when we say about ask questions, it's not where did you go to school? What's the capital of Libya? Followed by, where did you go to school? What's your mother's maiden name? Where were you? So, like, you're trying to do, like, defraudment.

Was he a PIN number and can I have your card? Yeah. Where did you, where did your parents meet? It's like, you pick one of those, and then they say the answer, and then, oh, another thing. And then you follow up, it's a follow-ups. Follow-up question. Rather than, welcome to the quiz, and it's now totally separate things. It's just relentless follow-up, and try not to say a question, not ask a question that has like a yes or no answer.

Because then they say yes, and you're like, okay, here I go again. I remember someone very recently was having a small talk situation, and I don't know them very well, and they're opening gambit. They didn't even say hi. They went, Are you happy? Oh. It's like,

oh, Christ. They were like, so no, then. You've recoiled. But I think as well, yeah, like, that's too much.

You know, I think things like that. You got to pop them in, you know, throughout, rather than start with that. Are you happy is such bullshit. Like,

tell me. The answer is no, obviously. Obviously, no one's happy, Kim. It's such a like, sorry,

that it was like Kim. I just, I just think, like, because sometimes you'd see it on, like, come dine with me, and then they'd be sat at the dinner table, and then they'd say something in name. Like, do you think serial killers are born or made? I quite like that as a question. Listen, it's not an uninteresting discussion, but it is too hard to come in straight off the canopets. Yes, you know?

It's three deep. It's like, it's a discussion. But if you just open with that, everyone's like, oh, you know, you don't want to be having that noise. You want to be like, you want to make, oh. That's the ones the noise to make. May I suggest instead? If you could introduce a extinct animal back into the wild, what would it be? Ooh.

You know? I would hate that question. Would you? Yeah, because I'd be like, I don't know one extinct animal that's a dodo to that one. All the dinosaurs, mammoths? Okay. Well, that's the end of that. And there's another role-playing exercise.

I've just got to give this drink to my friend, but it was nice, it was lovely to meet you. Sophie's strapped to the bathroom. Do you don't like that question? I would find that quite like, quite like, oh fuck. Okay, you know, what's your favourite band? And you're like, I don't know any band, my hair band? Oh, right, sorry.

The spice girls? Like, I need, you end of saying. Oh, you know, you feel the same about extinct animals. Okay, you open your eyes, you wake up in a very large shed. There are... Sorry, this is like, so you said like, the, are you happy thing is too much, but this is your first one.

I'm trying to make that very clear that's what's like going on here. Okay, I think we're going three deep. There are a thousand. murderous geese. Okay. Which weapon do you choose? You can only choose one. A saw.

A sore. I'm thinking of the shed. You don't have to choose a nailed gun. You can bring your own thing. Oh, okay. A big gun. Yeah, how many bullets have you got?

You got a thousand geese. A million. And that's the end of that. I've got to give this drink to Sophie. Who's in the bathroom? You know, yes. See, if you do are... I have a good exercise in showing that those questions you've got to be.

more sort of in the kind of, you know, you've got to be a bit more vibe in before you enter with them. Otherwise, people are like, oh, I just feel like I'm on this sort of, I'm on blind date, you know, or the actual, you know, Sila Black's blind date. What's the other one? The Guardian soulmates blind date. Oh, yeah, but a lot of fun, isn't it?

Yeah, no one says not a lot of fun, but it does feel that like quiz question. And then you have to have a pre-prepared, witty answer. Yes, yes. That question to number two. So it feels panicky rather than like, oh yeah, cool, cool, cool, chat, chat. Yes.

Good. Good to know. Good to know for me. But also, like, I think really helpful things are things like just literally complimenting anything that anyone has got on. And we all know that you're just doing it because you've just seen it. Like, someone said the other day to be like, oh, I love your trousers and I'm just wearing like black jeans. It's like, you don't. But thanks. And it's not so much what they're saying.

It's the signal of, I would like to engage with you. I, you know, would like to have a conversation with you. I'm non-threatening. I'm not going to be mean to you. So you're like, oh, this is nice. Then it kind of like eases you in. But the thing is that the commentary in my head is like, oh, don't do that because they'll know what you're saying

and they'll know it's not real but it doesn't matter like it's all about social keys and like you know and also like wear more fun stuff like I complimented the amulet and next thing we're hearing a story you know oh yeah so that's actually the main take home when you go to a party and you're worried about social just wear more fun stuff we're talking like

a clown nose you can honk why is it on there? Why not? Yeah I wore a pair of high-wasted trousers to a party the other day people were compliment yeah my Barbie pink trousers everyone, they made my butt look bigger than I thought. Really good. And then I kept saying, I've got this shivroy ass, like, from succession.

And then everyone, no one liked that. So, so, just, you know. When you, like, come into a conversation and go, I've got a shivroy ass. You don't know how to respond to that. I was entering groups, like, butt first. They're like, anybody want to see my shivroy ass? And everyone was like, no, nobody does, thank you. But, yeah, more, compliment the stuff, ask where it was from.

Do help me the story about this? What's this? And also, crucially, you don't have to go. you don't have to go to the thing. You can stay at home. You don't have to go. The 101 of this is you don't have to go. But also, like I used to in the before times, I would go to everything because I felt like,

oh, I have to. And I, why am I worried about going to this thing that I only know one person? Well, because you only know one person. And it's fine to not go. And now especially, I kind of tend to only go to things where I'm like, I know at least five people and they're all great lads. And I can say things like, and they'll be like, yes, Stevie's trying to communicate rather than what's going on.

Like it's quite nice to only be surrounded at the moment by people that make you feel totally comfortable. And not to kind of like overanalyze because I think it's very easy to be like, oh God, that person, maybe they're not, I shouldn't be friends with them because they're kind of weird now. Like everyone's weird. So it's kind of like, this is like a very calming time of just like everyone's weird. Does that everyone be weird and you're weird and just be with people? I don't question why you're doing stuff so much and don't beat yourself up about why you don't want to go to that party. But you want to go to that party blah. Like it's too much at the moment.

So it's just nice. Just follow your. follow your gut instinct. Also, you made notes about this recording and it had geese extinct gap year into history. And that's the last one. So please, Tessa, give me a gap year into history. It's another of my questions that I thought was interesting.

Oh, no way is interesting. My question was about if you could have. Let's role play. Okay, here you go. Oh, great party. I'm saying that to myself. Hello. If you could have a gap year at any point of history,

where would it be? and why. No. Right. Is shit? I mean, the voice didn't help. No, it didn't. That's a good thing.

What's your own voice? What's your favourite unsolved mystery? Oh, God, I'm so stressed. Who do you hate most at this party? That's a good one. That's a good one. But then you go, him, it's like, that's my dad.

That's the end of that. And then you tell a sex story and he's about, how you dad? I'm a nightmare. That's a nightmare. Be like, let me tell you a story about when the time I had sex with that man in his son's bed.

And he's like, oh no, thank you. No. Yeah, it is easy to fall back on like, be very sassy, be very rude, be very cool and edgy as like a panic reaction to be like, oh, fuck this guy or, you know, say, you know, it's very, try not, if only because of that, they'll be like, that's my dad. I did once at a wedding, a man was playing guitar. I said, what a dickhead. The boy beside me said, that's my dad.

I was like, ha ha ha ha, ha. I knew that. Is it making a hilarious joke? Meanwhile I'm thrusting him behind to feel bad for him on his own trying to save the situation. Oh Lord. Yeah I think like in the deep winter of last year

when we were like we were also making these packs in our diary and being like when this we are allowed out I will go to every social event there has ever been. I was like vibrating with the thought of like a casual drink like Joan Collins. I did. I will be wearing diamonds.

I will look so good. I will go to anything anywhere. And now that stuff is here, we're like, nothing, thank you. Back in the same, but I can't feel. You don't actually owe your previous self anything. You are your own present self. You don't have to do the stuff just because you in the past wanted to. That's okay.

You're here now. You don't have to go to the stuff. You can French exit out of any party, any time. So it's got Irish exit. Irish goodbye and French exit. Irish goodbye and French exit. Oh, thank you very much. It means to quietly slip your coat on and sneak out the door without saying anything.

Do it, do it. people that just assume you've gone. Yeah, no one cares that much. That is also the final thing I want to say is that like often you're like, oh, but if I go for an hour and then I leave, everyone's going to be like, where's Stevie? And then I remember a friend, I think it might have been, it sounds like something you'd say to me, like, no one cares.

I was like, oh, oh, yeah, actually is helpful. Yeah. Because actually, yes, literally no one gives a shit. Everyone's like having a time at the party and they might at most go like, oh, what did Stevie go? Okay, oh, she went home, okay. Like, I remember like a friend of mine left a wedding at like half, half eight in the evening and was like,

I'm just going to go to bed. And everyone was like, where's Lou? Or she gone to bed? That was it. No one was like, what a bitch. Everyone was like, I guess she's tired. Maybe she's ill. Maybe she doesn't want to be here.

That's so fine. It's fine. And I think it's, yes, that kind of feeling, feeling that you should. And every time you're like, I should stay. Like, I should go to this. Like, you've got to interrogate the should and turn it into a... Interrogate the should and be like,

is it should? Is it should? Is it just not? Let's just not. Just to share one of my best ever Hendus is because I arrived a feeling crazy and I was like I must tell somebody this story and I um the

recent no it's not recent but it is just about the like upgrading the small talk straight to like straight to real talk but if it's going to be real talk it has to be your own you can't do someone else's real talk yeah because if it's false it comes across like you've like a book about it or listen to a podcast episode about it or you're just saying like here's a funny

here's someone else's funny story to try and break the eyes like when like a guy comes up to you in a bar and it's like hey so what's the sad you've ever been, hey, and you're like, like, they'll say like something snapping, you're like, you've read that in a book. Like, you don't care about my answer. And then they'll say something like, oh, wow, okay, like, all the other girls had a good answer.

And then you're like, who's this guy? I hate him. He's read the game and he knows about negging. It was only that I, I had, the previous night of this, Hendo, I had, we'd gone out,

you were there, we'd gone to, never been to Hendo. No, no, but the night before. Oh, yeah. We had been to a friend's birthday We'd been to Moulon Rouge Secret Cinema Oh my birthday It was my birthday

It was objectively one of the best nights ever It was excellent I don't know if everyone's ever been to secret cinema You watch the film afterwards But in the beginning for a couple of hours You sort of follow a live theatre thing happening And everyone dresses up And if I may I was dressed so well

That people thought I was a character And I wasn't not playing into that So people were following me and I was sort of running to different bits. I think you were just running. I don't think anyone was following. Fuck you. People were following me.

Anyway, so I've got this really long trail of like ostrich feathers that were, dark blue, that were dropping off like nobody's business. And I thought I looked quite nice. And I also think about Secret Cinema is it starts about 5pm. And the most financially sensible thing

to do at the bar was for each of us to drink one, bottle of Prosecco alone. Yes. And so we did. And so about about 6pm, I was... I had to get you off a barrel. Yeah, I was on a barrel and I...

Doing the can can can't. I was doing. It wasn't clear what she was doing, so I was yelling, what are you doing? You were yelling, the cancans! Well, I'm like, I look so good that people are following me around this party. It's very early in the evening.

I've been on a one and a half dates with a boy the previous week. I was so filled with love and with the emotion. of it all, that I left the Milan Rouge, I got in a taxi to his house, I'm unannounced, dressed

as I was. You did not tell me this. This is years ago. Yeah, this is a long time ago. Honestly, in my mind, I look like, you can imagine how I thought I looked like, fucking Nicole Kishman. It's a little bit in Wall Street where he has the car

and he thinks he's parked it really well, that he's like, ah! The car's a mess. Is that what it's like? It's literally, I was just like, wow and I and then when he opened the door I gently slid down the bit of this and then I rolled into his bedroom like this and also there'd been like old-fashioned notes and I got some of them out of my bra wild and then I was like and I did this like and he looked increasingly sort of horrified and I was like I've just been to see this is all at 830 p.m as well it's so early it's so early for him but for me

I've been in France and 1810 for like five hours and I and I and I've and I and I've and I and I lived this with Sontine. Like, I'm having, we're having very different, like, nights. I'm throwing my feathers everywhere. And I'm like... We had very different nights, date. Even people at the party had different nights. I'm like, I have been to see this performance about a woman

who doesn't tell a boy that she loves him when she should have said. And he goes, no, no. And then you go, your gift is my son. Start singing y'allon John at him. Honestly, it felt like I was like, he's going to be so into this and he's just going to hold my face and you know it's like and he just shouts no no and i was like and i'm not saying that i love you but i am saying that maybe i want to say that and then he put me to bed and um he put me in his like in his housemates room

because his housemate was away and was like i think you should sleep in here and then just like tucked me in and was like, okay, and then left me. I think he actually went out to a different event. I then had to go up at the crack of dawn and go to Marvin under the hills

or some shit to go clay pigeon shooting for a hendoo. I showed up dripping in sweat and hangover and like the regret was just like palpable off me. Anyway, I was silent for honestly

like 10 hours at this. I went to. Clay Pigeonshooting. People were like, this is my friend Tessa from home. I was like this. Like, not, enough. Just so upright. Like fake eyelashes just like falling down your face. Anyway, and then eventually people try and make talk with me and I just cannot do it. And then eventually I have to turn to this total stranger and I say, I'm so sorry, but can I just tell you what's happened to me? And then she was, and then she heard it and she was actually an Australian girl. And as I was telling it, she was going, no, no! And then she was like, you'll never see him again.

You'll never see him again. And she wasn't wrong. She wasn't wrong. But she remains, to this day, one of my greatest friends. And I tell you this because of the origin story thing of being like, sometimes there is just stuff in the EU that you've just got to be like, please may I tell you, please may I tell you. And you just got to go straight to real talk.

You can't do any, how is your day? Because the day was too much. And sometimes the best, you know, it's not just about this sort of social mind field, like sometimes really amazing friendships come out of conversation and about going to parties and they don't have to be this sort of endurance fest of like how are we going to get out, how what's our exit plan? What's like a cool thing to say? Just say the cool thing to say. The literal thing that's on your brain. Just take the things on your mind and just tell, show someone your truth and if and maybe they're into it and maybe they're not but either way you

show. But who's going to hear this to that story and go I'm not into that. I'm not into that. I'm not into that. I'm not into that. I'm not into that. It is a good one. Sometimes I open my eyes in the night and think about it. I bet I'm going to. Yeah, we're all going to. Anyway, I show it because, because sometimes just like telling your truths to people is, you know, we're so down on small talk,

but really it's like, oh, it's friendship. And we're so desperate for friends. Turn it into big talk. Turn it into big talk. And, you know, like, that's all humanity is, really. Thank you for this coming to this TED talk. Yeah, I think I just, we're so down on it. But really, like, we're so stuck, like, you know,

that's the thing we've missed so much all this being stuck home alone. has been like friendship and communication and people and other people and pals pals pals. Hopefully that helps. And if you're listening, yeah, I mean, thank you for listening. And please you follow us at Nobody Panic Pod. If you have any episodes of suggestions you would like us to tackle, NobodyPenectpodcast at gmail.com.

So that's so quickly, if you can write that down. You didn't hear it. I didn't hear it. I'm going to take off. Okay. And thank you so much for coming. Thank you so much for listening. Lee, thank you so much for having us.

Good night. Yeah.