Nobody Panic - How to Survive Christmas - LIVE from Altitude London

Episode Date: December 18, 2018

Stevie and Tessa host a live podcast/Christmas work do complete with buffet, mingling and some serious tips on how to survive Christmas - from difficult extended family, to going it alone. Merry Christmas! Everyone! xSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The date is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace. It's coming to London. True on Saturday the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September at King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Nobody Panic. There's 100,000 people here at Wembley. Welcome to Nobody Panic. Thank you so much for joining us and in your ears as well. It's so weird doing a live one. I always feel really embarrassed. I want to be looking here and I'm looking there.

Anyway, I want to first thank the wonderful Altitude London who are hosting this brilliant bar with like 360-degree views of London. Isn't it swanky? It's so swanky. And also the economist who is sponsoring the entire event. You are, please take

their magazines, I can see some of you already have. And also own tampons who have, apparently someone didn't get a tampon and own tampons have got tampon, tote bags, tampons inside, some Christmas socks from Tessa, correct? And, they're great.

A lady didn't get one and she asked a man, sorry, can have your tampons? He went, no. And I love whoever that is. Solidarity. If you like more, more. tampons, there's more tampons. There's more tampons. There's no more socks. So you have to sort of fight for them. But otherwise, there's loads more tampons. And if you're listening, my hood keeps falling down.

But also, oh my God, I think let it go. Oh, let it go. If you're listening, we have a lovely buffet and that's, everyone here has been enjoying the buffet. I've been enjoying the buffet. It's been provided to you by Half Byte Tibbitts in, is it the amazing vegan vegetarian restaurant? Is it a particular one, Tom, or is it just all of Tibbitts? All of Tibbitts. They've come from across the globe. And also Amy Coates, who's my sister, who's made the vegan sausage rolls. So great.

So great. And at the end, there's also mince pies and some cupcakes. Yes. And in your tampon bags, there's more. In your tampon bags, there's like a discount thing to plate in Shortwich. You get 10 pounds off, as it knows, 10 pounds, limited, I'm going to say, wings. And ribs.

Ribs, wings and ribs. Given the success of the vegan sausage rolls, I feel like... They're going to be desperate for some ribs later. Yes. If that's not your vibe, give it to somebody who loves some ribs. What a great Christmas present. But yeah, I think that's all of my thank-yous. Yes, I'd like it.

Thank you, Tessa. Thank you, Stephen. You weren't going to thank me, were you? No. But yeah, I want to say thank you all for looking so amazing. Everyone looks exquisite. There's reindeer ears. There's a lady who dresses some mistletoe. Everyone looks beautiful. And also to altitude for having us, because when I walked in,

I had an immediate sort of visceral like PTSD and I was like, oh, I've catered here. I was like, oh, I've worked here. And years ago, I worked at an event. What was the event? Technology of the future. Of course. Very you. As we all know, everyone, that's what my thesis is in. No, I was on snacks. I was on catering.

Of course. But it's thrilling to be back here as the hostess. Look, it's about me. It is, it is. And Tessa, if you're listening at home, has bought us essentially the outfits from the poster, from white Christmas, long, but the only problem is that the fur comes off.

It's like white trim, and it comes off in your drink, it comes off in your mouth, Avette, all of it. That's what I've been doing with my evening. But let's go straight into adult things, because we've collected adult things. Now, we can't read everyone's out, because then we'd be here for an hour. But we're going to read a few out, and then we're going to pick one out, and they're going to win a Von Chef brushed gold and green cocktail set with martini glasses.

Yes, there were two more things, and they haven't arrived. Okay. Do you have some good ones? Yes, I just were excited by this one. I read the Marie Kondo book on Tiding and Decluttered My Room. Yeah. Oh, did you write that? Oh, hello.

Washed my three favoured pairs of jeans ahead of my trip to France tomorrow. Just drop that in. So they're nice and crisp. Oh, walked into this swanky building, even though I felt intimidated. We all did. We all did.

Altitude London, everybody. Spent Sunday afternoon batch cooking for the week. Batch cooking. I didn't realize that was a verb. I love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like wrestlers do, you know. They batch cook.

Oh, yes. You're like... They just make a big Tupperware and then start the week. You literally like blend a chicken and then you just eat that... wrestle with it. You put it in tapperware

and you're like, this is me for weeks and weeks. For protein. Yeah. Thank you. I've seen a documentary. Okay. This is quite a really personal one.

Decided to break things off with a guy I've been saying instead of giving in to the pressures of coughing season. I won't ask who it was but ooh, nice one. Good work. posted a gift to my godson already well done in Manchester so it will actually arrive before

Christmas oh and you've got a godson yeah I want to they all wants to be my godson then actually the guy that said yes to tampons can he be my godson I like I drank whiskey and enjoyed it oh no wait and then they put a question mark did I did I um this is a work based one which is fun and explain to someone at work why I like I say explain to someone in brackets at work why they didn't get promoted. How much of it was your family? Explain to someone at work while they didn't get promoted and what to improve on for next year. I'm their manager, sad face. Oh, it's hard being an adult.

But well done, whoever that was. Oh God, I've got one of these. Had brunch with my much older and much more successful cousin and I wasn't intimidated by her for the first time in my life. Yes. I've got a successful cousin. Are you listening? No, of course you're not. Gosh, that was much rorer than I thought. It really came out there.

So fighting. This is one that's very close to my heart. I got paid for my first freelance writing job. How cool is that? It's not me. You don't have to say if you don't want to. Pumped up girlfriend's bike tires. Okay.

No. Truthly, I've ever tried to pump up your own tires? It's a real chore. That's so nice. Pumped up... Pumped up girlfriend's bike tires. Brackets, they were flat. Guys, you need to know.

That is so nice. Yeah. Oh, this is, I've never done this one and I've, every night, I wish I had, made it to the gym before work and then showered and made the train on time to work. Oh, that's a lot of bitterness. It just gets you. I understand why, but you really, it really comes out with you, doesn't it? Told my manager at work I was being mistaken for a senior member of the team. Very scary and very adult. Well done you. I went through my sock drawer and threw away all my whole whole. tights, my sacred tights. Yes. I love that. I called the AA when my car broke down. That's what you're supposed to do, but also, great.

Well, you own a car, well done. And I opened an Icer. Yes. Okay, right, we are going to do last two because otherwise everyone gets very weighed down by how I'll all everything is. Oh, this is great. Booked my first ever electrician. Sounded like it was to be sung. And then we need to give... And then let's put them in it, because I can't bear it. to choose so we'll just put them in and say what you suggested is back here we're just going to do a

out of the house. Tess I thought we should pick the best adult thing and then give them the prize. I immediately read. I'm sorry. That's going to be awful. I'm sorry. No, no, I can't read the writing. I'm so sorry, I can't read your writing but I'm sure it was really, really adult. See? Okay, last one. Took the hit and clean the mold from our bathroom sink. Was it hashtag boyfriend of the year there? Right, okay. You're going to do the raffle. I know you're desperate. I try the thing. Wait a second. Is this, is this, is this, is this? Is this true? Is this true? She doesn't know yet.

I face my fear of potentially being eliminated in week one and applied to the bake-off. Is that true? This is my sister. Who is this? My sister's writing. Oh, that's why. I was like, why he's asking someone if it's true? They don't know what you're talking about.

Amy, well done. Do the vegan sausage roll. She should. She's so talented at most things, actually. Pop it down in there. Should we do the raffle at the end? No, we're doing it now. Oh, Jesus.

We're doing it now. Everyone is sitting at home, you can't... Oh, shit. Hold the hat. Oh, this is... We're also so high-pitched, aren't me? It's just awful. It'll calm down.

It will calm down once we've... The energy's a whistle. Oh, God, right. Okay, right, so I'm going to pick. And then whoever's adult thing it is, you have to put your hand up. Unless you don't want a cocktail maker, because you already have one.

Or it's really embarrassing. It's an adult thing. You've got to weigh it up. Yeah, it's like... I finally cleared up my hear. I know I was like okay oh no I've already said this one you know what it doesn't matter because they're gonna get anyway no they're gonna get anyway no this is oh this is that yes right okay this one this one wins the one where where she washed her favorite pairs of

jeans and because they're nice and Chris because she's going to fund who is it you yeah I'm gonna wait hang on that she's already going on holiday well done well done Things I didn't plan for. Krispy, crispy jeans. Okay. I know. Have a wonderful time. Tesa, do you have an adult thing so we can settle ourselves?

No, no. Okay. Mine's this party. Okay, now we'll just move on. Honestly, we're so excited you're here because Stevie says she thought we should do this about a week ago. And I was like, okay. That's a terrible idea. Yeah, I didn't. I think I did, actually.

No, she did, yeah. But you're all here, and we can't believe it, and it's such a pressure. It's overwhelming, actually. So it's such a pleasure to do this. Oh, Tess is crying. For those back home, Tess has had a breakdown. Right, so the episode is How to Survive Christmas.

And we've, like, split it up into really chilled out categories that we're going to be going through. So also, what's great, and I didn't realize I'd done this. I've just read it back right now is I've put posse casual chat point. Christmas can be stressful. Post casual chat point? I've never... That's disgusting.

Right, no, but I do think this is true. So we are going to talk about various, like, just various areas of surviving Christmas. But one of the main things I find is that Christmas is supposed to be this most fun thing in the whole world with joyous for time of giving and receiving and loving. And if you don't, if you're not having a nice time, like, if you're ill, or if you're just, like, a bit sad,

or if you're just, like, not feeling it, there's so much pressure to be like, I'm living my best life. Do you not feel? A hundred percent. It's the epitome of, like, organized fun. it's like this party it's like you've been told you have to have a nice time

you have to be at this thing and also it's like it's the most magical day of the year 93 sleeps until Christmas you know and we've been planning it all year round and then always regardless of how magical it is you get some white trim in your eye you can't see anything and we all have to go to A&E are you right yes I'm fine now I can't see but it's fine and I think it's like when you're a kid and you could see the Christmas presents under the tree

or the like feeling your stocking with your toe when it was on the end of the bed and you woke up on Christmas morning or all of those sort of things they are the most exciting bit, the like anticipation bit and nothing really on the day is ever as exciting. Like it's fun in the morning but like 4pm you're like

okay done now. Yeah so it's it's the buildup that's the magical bit and that's the bit that we shouldn't you know. Which is why I think this whole thing about like oh Christmas is coming too soon oh it's too early I think is bullshit because I think like you actually should enjoy Christmas the whole of December because that's actually what Christmas is.

That's like, it's not the day. I mean, it is the day. Technically, he was born. He was born on that day. But he was all, there was a lot of, like, build up to him being born. That's not about that. I don't know why I've brought him into it. Constantly doing that. Post, that's point.

Him. Oh, Lord. No, no, no, it's fine. We'll skip over that. How to Survive Christmas with him. Let's just do that. The first one. we've got though is how to survive Christmas when your family get on your

tips. So we were talking about how to survive Christmas when your family are getting on your nerves and I think that is that's a part of it you go home and you're like Christmas and you're like oh yes I have to spend it with these people and sometimes great sometimes I don't know racist like can be hard. Brexit's happening that's hard yes yeah yeah yeah well let's talk about Brexit oh oh not again bring it up Steve no I think I mean let's make this point number one because there is no way any of us are getting through Christmas lunch without somebody referencing Brexit. Or Trump.

Or Trump or Theresa May or anything awful that's happening or anything. And I was thinking about this the other day and I was like, I'm pretty sure every time it comes up in conversation, nobody ever really sits down and it's like, guys, do you think about Brexit. It always just gets their accidental. Yes, and then suddenly you're in the conversation. How did we get here?

So like someone says, oh, they saw a funny thing on the news or it always starts like a little joke or like, oh, they saw a funny meme. but now we're thinking about Theresa May and now we're all sad and now we're talking about Brexit. Yes, yes. And so I think what you've got to try and do is when you even hear a hint of,

you're just going to be on your guard. Yeah. For words like, trigger words like, Downing Street. Yeah. So any sort of pre-Brexit chat, even if it's totally unreferenced. I could only think of Downing Street.

It's only one. You know, anything. Even someone's saying they're going on holiday to France. Everyone's like, fantastic. More sausage? Like, don't even think about France. Because then we'll think about Europe. and then we'll think about Brexit.

It's a slippery slope so you've got to catch it. You've got to catch it while it's hot, yeah. And I think as well that comes into the whole like don't try and fix anybody I read about this. So if you've got a member of your family, it tends to be, for me, it's extended family. Actually, you know what, they're all great,

but there is actually a couple of members of my extended family, namely my 91-year-old grandma. She's not the most liberal. She does say things, you know, like, I just can't respond, but I've started to just not try. So, like, I'm not going to talk about the actual topics because it's not nice. It's just not nice.

She doesn't listen. Hello, Grandma. I love you very much. You're doing really well. She's just of a different time. Such a different time. So everyone else at the table. But what I've tried to do it, and last year I did it, is that, like,

for example, like, you know, I cut my hair short. She's like, oh, your hair's disgusting. Everyone around kind of, like, crumples in half. And it's like, oh, Chris, you can't say. Her name's Chris Martin. It literally is. Chris, you can't say that. And then afterwards,

and then I've decided that I'm not going to fix her, and that's the tip of like, don't try and fix the person, like, accept them. So I'm just like, oh, you think, so I was doing a deep dive into why. She thought my hair was horrible. And then afterwards, oh, it was so sweet. Afterwards, on the way home, I got this text being like,

I just wanted to say it. I don't think your hair's horrible, but I think you look lovely with whatever. Clearly my auntie had been really going in hard. Like, you are. But I think you have to, like, accept. There's going to be, you can probably pick out the people at the table who are going to be difficult. And just be like, cool.

Yeah. My uncle said a weird thing again. That's fine. He's uncle weird. We all knew that. Give him a nickname in your head. Be ready for, you know, grandma or your auntie to be like, oh, you, this looks cheap. This looks cheap.

And you're still single. Yeah. Yes. You got a job or? Got a good job. Get off me, auntie. You're quite fat. You're quite fat.

I feel awful. identify who that problem person is. And if it's Tessa. And just like, re-ready for it, let it wash over you. And then just be like, okay. Like, just let's go. Like, because if you try and explain it or rationalise or be like, you know, any sort of like, let's discuss how that made me feel.

It's going to end bad. No one wants that. It's not for today. When you're drunk at a table, Christmas table. When you drunk on a table. No, when everyone's like, and someone's like, excuse me, I just think that's really, like, difficult. And everyone just goes, stop, please.

Can you just stop at Christmas? And I, uh, it's not the time. met some fantastic ladies that read tarot, of course. And I met them at the Cheltenham Literary Festival. Any questions? But they were saying that when any time anybody, particularly

like if a man says something, or your weird uncle, you know, says like, well, women shouldn't be allowed in the boardroom. Whatever your weird uncle wants to say, rather than arguing or anything, you can just look on one side and be like, gosh, what an extraordinary thing to say. I think you do that so well. I would not be able to do that.

You blink as I'm like, gosh, gosh. I couldn't get away with gosh. I think you can like insert your own like, good Lord, like, yeah, that's another test someone. Have a practice on the drive or Christmas or whenever people are arriving. Have a practice. I'm like, what am I going to say when people, you know,

can be with their... My thing was often, um, some people might think like that. That's always what I say. And then they're going to go, yep, and then they can't say anything back. That's a serious one. Yeah. Yeah.

I was serious. I believe that you think that. That's quite sassy though I'm saying like For the people that don't want the sats You can just go like Yeah sure people do think that And then just change the topics

If they're like yeah I mean I'm not gonna I keep going to say that you can't I'm not gonna say any of them And there'll be stuff around the tape There'll always be stuff near you Just pick up and start talking about Yeah

Yeah basically Gin isn't it Yeah That's it so when they say I'm serious I believe you think that gin Well then answer me a question about the gin about the gin or offer me the gin or you know. Okay. Oh, as in like, oh, would you like my gin?

Yeah. Okay. Good, good. Can I, can, would you like another quality street? I understand. Racist uncle, Tony? Like, just like distract. He's often an uncle, isn't it? That's not the time. Have an ally. I don't like, the word ally kind of annoys me a little bit, but there's always like maybe a cousin or a sibling who you can both be like, who he's off again or she's off one. You know, not off one? You know, you know that phrase? You know the phrase? and if that's not anyone in the room if you are fully isolated on that then you can, I find friends who are also having a time

and then you can just watch have each other and then you can't believe it's at that and then it just gets it all out get it out somewhere else. Because don't get it out over the turkey get it out with someone else I think is their thing. Absolutely and on the tub of the turkey that like the kitchen is obviously a very stressful time

Yes there is Hula Hoops today because there's this fantastic Christmas episode of the Royal Family where they only get the turkey hour like one o'clock and it's frozen and then they have to put it in the bath. The royal family is in the comedy show, not... The monarchs. I'm sure the monarch has got it under control.

Someone else is de-froasting the turkey. And, oh gosh, what's her name? Caroline Hearn. Is crying because she just wants a Nigella Christmas. The turkey's in the bath. And everything's ruined. And then first on the schedule is hula hoops and mingling, which is you've smashed through that part of the schedule.

It's so well done. but the kitchen is obviously so stressful because everybody wants everything to be perfect and timing is so tricky because everything's cooking at a different time and it's hot and if you can't help stay out if you can't help stay out and if you can help pop in and just you know yeah so I'm doing my popping in sorry I'm so sorry please get in my kitchen okay um I'm trying to say it's like be as calm as that you know as you possibly can yes and if you are the cook yourself try and get it's hard you feel so angry with everyone else but like not enjoying the thing that you've made It feels like this is a thing. Just try and sort of step back a bit.

Well, I realise that, like, I'm not allowed to cook on Christmas Day because I can't. And I burn everything. And so I'm the entertainment officer. Kill the surprise. And then every year I, like, make a really elaborate quiz or something. And people don't actually like it very much. But, like, so I realized that, like,

was I actually making this quiz for them? or was I making it for me? And the answer was me. Like I... Make a quiz for yourself. Yeah, sure. But I was like, but don't be cross

when people don't want your quiz. Absolutely. Be like, what would they actually like and try and like... So like, have an ally, but if you make them a quiz, don't be mad at them.

That's correct. That's the stuff. Good, take home. Like, let it go and one... You know, it's very easy to be like, oh, like, everyone's being awful to me.

But it's like, hey, let it go. Like, what do the people need? Yes, of course. And I was like, everyone's drunk. Everyone, like, everyone doesn't want to, people do want to be there, but after about six hours, do we? You know, I'm just asking, I'm asking the question.

Let's talk these truths. Ask in the question, do we want to be there? I also came up, because I think we did something when we were at the debrief podcast, and we did something about surviving Christmas, and I remember being like, just go and have a nap, and if you're staying at someone else's house, and you're like, don't, just going out, you have to help. But I think there are possibly ways that you can do, so if you feel like it's kind of getting on top of you, so you can like, take the dog for a walk if you have a dog.

if you don't, that's very obvious. Or like, offer to pop to the shop and get stuff, like go for a walk. Organise something before you go home for Christmas with friends. You can be like, oh, no, I'm unfortunately engaged on that day. So you can actually do something that's not just sitting in the house for like a week and a half. This is the people, I guess, who are going home.

Because I mean, I suppose, like, if you just live at home, then that's fine. It's just like a normal day. But it's quite a change to go home and then be like, oh, God, I've got like 14 days here. Who is the This is a lot of work from you here Who is the famous

Thinker but he's alive Socrates, oh I caught myself He's like quite up himself Oh I don't want to guess now Thank you Alan to Bottar Botton

Baton Baton Baton Baton Alan Alan tweeted last Christmas Or the Christmas before Everyone's the air

That was a nodding of like people were like, yes. He tweeted something like, some of us on Christmas Day like are just thinking so hard. Like, we're not just sitting on the sofa doing nothing. Of course we can't unload the dishwasher. We're thinking.

And like, everyone was like, Alan. Get out. Get in the bin, Alan. That's the thing about like, you know, if you're going to need to pop off, but like just unload the dishwasher or like just do something quickly and help and then you're free to do your thing.

So it isn't like, oh, Alan's napping again. Don't just disappear. No, but I just mean like. I'm really bringing the tone of my Christmas here. And I'm mine. No, I just mean like, you know, just give yourself space so you don't explode of people for no reason. If you can feel it building up, do something about it, guys. That's my thoughts. Do you have any more thoughts about surviving Christmas when your family get in your tits, Tessa? Yes. Okay, great. Mine is just about if anybody here is having Christmas with their partner for the first time this year or multiple, or they have done, oh, they're multiple. Oh, they're multiple. It's all fine. Everyone's welcome at the party. and bringing their polygamous lovers to Christmas Day fine Chris Martin would be fine

She would be not fine with that Not fine So if anybody is bringing Either going to their partners for Christmas Or having their partner at Christmas Or they do that multiple times Like just be Or if this is you know

You're weller You know It's not your first rodeo Beginners or whatever It sounds like a sex thing Like it's how you make it people having Christmas with the partner's family

for the first time. If you are going to somebody else's house just be sort of aware of like their customs and their stuff and their traditions. Yeah, so like what's that? Yeah, I think you just have to sort of like get on board a bit and even when it looks crap, be like absolutely lovely, thank you. Is there an arrested development episode where like

he goes to and so having like full like Christian Carol Christmas? Yeah. And he's like so fine with it. But then he has to leave because it's too much. That's when you do that leave and give yourself space. Yes. So like but just try your best to like now.

not the time to bring you know and if the cost if you are um it's difficult you want to know what to share because like you are obviously in competition with like your partner's mom or dad or grandma who they want their child and you want your partner and oh lord okay is this a sex thing it was just in a lot of time like like it's like oh you know yes i see i see what you mean when you people go home for christmas they are both they are a child again and it's hard to be a child and also the a lover a lover a lover It's hard to be a child or a lover. That's what I want everyone to remember.

In the recommendations from a therapist, okay? It was good stuff, mate. Was it on Christiancrisncrisncrisn'tcom? Yes, okay. That's not the point. It was one of the recommendations, and I thought it was a good thing because... It is interesting, yes.

In terms of time, yes, because they want their son or daughter, and you want your lover. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I'm joking, but I get it. Yeah, and it's hard to sort of go back to the first. family homestead and you know bang away how's life Christmas when you're banging that's the next one i thought that was a good point thank you phoenix um and my very last thing is uh in capitals don't guess

don't guess don't guess it's because um once that my friend phoebe's uh we had a they had a big family do and there was lots of people there and when it was sort of winding down phoebe came back in the living room and was like oh god like uncle terry's just you know really upset me or something and her dad was like oh because of the cooking and she was like no and then don't guess and then he went because of the hair and you're like don't guess because now I know the things that you're thinking

so don't guess and our family had to introduce everyone's very opinionated in my house Kelseopreeze and so people just join in with her opinions and so we had to introduce the wafting to me if people were discussing something and you wanted to share your opinion

you had to waft I've got something to say Stevie, do you have anything to say? If you were finished then could you waft away? No one ever wafes away. No one's ever funny. People were like, if we realised everyone just like shouts what they think all the time.

Wow. We had to introduce that. Maybe take that for yourselves. How to Survive Christmas on your own, which we have somebody called Genevieve. Is Genevieve here? No, she's probably not. She's on her own.

Of course, she's on her own. No, she's here. But she's Australian. Oh, sorry, Jennifer. So Genevieve emailed in, and she's suggesting she's an Australian who has been living here for like several years. And she reckons that like Christmas is on your own, away from family, get like quite a bad rat. But sometimes they're going to be quite, in her words, good crack. So I did some looking.

And a lot of the articles about how to have Christmas on your own are just really depressing. And it's like they don't have to be. But there's one really good one on BuzzFeed. So do actually look at that if you are having, or you know somebody else who's having Christmas alone. Because obviously, if you're having it a lot. for like a very sad or shit reason, then that is sad and we can't like make that not sad, but there are

things that I feel like I'm really bringing the tone down but anyone listening who is surviving Christmas on their own, they'll be happy for this tone I think. There'll be... Rabbit ass that deserves, Steve. Yeah, please. Thank you. So there was some tips that, I mean, I can race through

them because I feel quite... No, don't. Okay, I'll take my time. So there are some tips about like the actual day, because I think around it is fine because you've got like, there's so much going on the lead up, the parties and there's so many part, I've been to, this is my first party and to my only party of Christmas.

But there's, oh, work Christmas do, so thanks for coming. But yeah, like, there's so much of it in the lead-up, but on the actual day, I'd find it difficult to figure out what to do on the actual day, because everything's closed, like, what do you do? So I was looking at people that I know who've had Christmas on their own and had a good time, and so I compiled a small list, which was have a plan, because if you wing it,

then you'll wake up and be like, oh, no, I don't know what to do, and then you might feel sad. do something totally different. A friend of mine, a friend of ours, once worked in a soup kitchen at Christmas. And it's gone so quiet and it's been so rowdy. But if you're listening at home,

like everyone's very rowdy at this too. We're all with you. If you love, like obviously, if the thought of doing Christmasy stuff makes you feel really, really happy, then just absolutely go mad with all the Christmas stuff. But if you don't and you kind of feel a bit sad about it,

then do something that you've been looking forward to that you couldn't do because of your job or you couldn't do like, I don't know. Someone said here, like, have a big clean out. I was like, I don't know. I'm not sure about that. If that floats your boat, please do. But also like Skype is your friend.

Like Skype people. If you're like, I don't want to Skype people because there's loads of Christmas stuff and I don't want to have a Christmas thing. Do like a hobby thing that you love doing, but you never get a chance to do. I would say that maybe if you're religious or not, that the religious stuff might be your friend if you're on your own. Go to mass.

There's mass. You can probably sit in the church all day. Like there's, you know, stuff. There's stuff happening. Sit in a church all day. Also, really, there are park runs on Christmas Day. Yeah, there's if you don't. Which sounds mad, but I'm actually quite up for it.

If you start Googling in your area, there will be things to do. Yeah, definitely. And also, I remember when I was a waitress, and I would, like, work, I would always wear, like, Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, but not Christmas Day. And those of my friends worked Christmas Day, because they were, like, Brazilian or from New Zealand.

And they had, like, the best times. I think, as well, if you've got a job that you could work at, and it's kind of, like, a quite fun atmosphere, then, like, absolutely do that. When I was a teenager and they said, did I want to work Christmas Eve, I mean, Christmas Day, I was like, are you high? Like, and they would...

cool teenager. Sorry. Yeah, sure. I obviously didn't say that. I said, no. But I... Gosh, no. Extraordinary thing to say.

I... I... I... They asked me that and I remember them saying in the restaurant like, actually people really like... Everybody's already signed up to work Christmas Day. Like, people like to do it. And I was like, that's baffling to me.

But now, as I'm older, I'm like, I 100% get... Yeah. Even like then they had all these like photos and then afterwards they all went for like a big drink. And like a lock in. It's like, oh. Yeah. You're in like a gang and you're fine. And I think even if you are on your own or if you're in a different city, like reach out to people.

Even if you're like, oh, no one would want to share their Christmas. Like we're probably of an age, especially if haven't got any small children of your own or in the family to like make magical Christmas for. Everyone's sort of like, come around. Get drunk. Like let's just, you know, wait in. I don't think we're sort of at an age. It's like, yeah. I've brought my friend.

Yes. So tell people that you're on your own and like say, please. Broadcast it. Broad lead people know. Isn't there, I didn't actually do good research here because I forgot about this, but isn't there a comedian who does like a lone-knit Christmas thing? It's really nice. It's like a hashtag. The level of forgetting it from me.

Thank you everyone. Sarah Milliken. What's the hashtag? Rachel, we'll know. Join in. Hashtag join in. Hashtag join in. Is that right?

Something like that. Look at Sarah Milliken's page. So, yeah. So Sarah Milliken, the wonderful comedian, does a like Christmas where she, for people who are on their own, especially people who are having a rough Christmas this year. It's like, hey, if you don't want to be by yourself,

like, join in with me. And it's on Twitter and people just post pictures. Or like, fun articles on videos. Yeah, and it feels like a real sense of community. It is so nice. And there are so many, like, the internet is terrible, but also pretty magical place. Yeah, because I was going to say,

probably don't go on social media, because I find it upsetting. And I truly think Twitter is really amazing. Twitter's good. Say off Instagram. Oh my goodness. There's a guy who put a picture up about, he had like eight followers and he replied to,

maybe Emma Freud did a thing about, Christmas and he replied and said like oh I'm spending it on my own again and like hundreds of people have replied to him and then got invited to Christmas and like the Twitter is wonderful. Twitter is wonderful. So like don't be afraid to reach out and tell people that you're by yourself or that you're having a hard time or you know. No I think that's absolutely fair. Come to my house quite frankly. It's aggressive for my auntie will shout but otherwise you know come around. It's a hoot so now because we're halfway through we're going to do a live read which you normally we just do it on our own in the studio but we're going to do it here in front of

everyone and I've written a script so I don't feel like Tess has seen have you seen it maybe have you okayed it I'm off a book already I'm not you have a scroll and I'll tell them I'll just riff you just do some riff I hear some of my poems I wrote earlier I was just going to say a thing about if this is your first Christmas without somebody or that you are missing a person or and that can be a you know a partner and things have broken up or you lost a member of your family. Like that can be a really, really tough thing to go through. And so, you know, find, there's no advice.

Like, just find whatever thing works for you. Like, do your best, do the things that they like doing. Like, do something totally different, do whatever. And if you, quite right. It's got to sit. Someone has walked out to spend Christmas alone because of our amazing tips. Not for me.

Oh, that's me. Sorry. If you, if you, and also, if you have, Look at this, this is very sassy of me. I can't see, but I trust you. Oh, that looks good, yeah, thanks for that. That's good. Stand-up comedian. Also, if you know, if you're close to somebody

who's lost somebody or is going through something without them, it's really hard, especially to write Christmas cards and be like, well, what do I do about that person's name now? And I think, you know, just acknowledge it and say, like, you know, to whoever and always thinking about so-and-so, or like, and not forgetting, or like, and wishing your family,

like, nice and ambiguous, like, peace and love this Christmas, because it's hard to be like, Merry Christmas. with like, you know, don't obviously send, like, a funny, a funny card and, like, Santa's, like, bum in the chimney. Loh! But, like, you know, a nice, obviously, like, people,

it's very hard when you don't know what to say to a person, you know, to just, like, back off and not do anything. But I think just lean in and be like, I'm here and I'm supporting, and, you know, and I'm not, let's not pretend, and then it's not happened. Because that's such a tricky, you know, that's what everyone's instinct is, just lean in. Lean in, if you are going through that.

Lean in, like Cheryl Sandberg? Why not? Yeah. Right. And now, now, yes, come. on the screen here. So can you read it? Yeah.

Have you read it before? I have, yeah. Okay, I wrote it. I didn't care for it. No. Thank you. All right. Okay, so we're going to do a live read

for our lovely sponsors, The Economist. And now we've got a quick word from our lovely sponsors, The Economist. Giving away a free copy of the magazine to all nobody panic listeners. If you text panic in capitals, very aggressive, panic, to 780-70 or 780-80-70.

Or 780-70. Oh, that's, I've never thought of that. Oh, God, that's not part of the script. I just have not thought of it. I love The Economist because it's a magazine that makes me look intelligent and actually be more intelligent. And now Stevie's written here for my line, I'd argue you mean well-informed

because you're already very intelligent. Thank you. Thank you so much. Back to the Economist, though. Yes, thank you. We always think it's, we always say this. They're like, it's not for the economists. It's not for people studying economy.

It can be, not only. It's got that in it, but it's not just about finance. It keeps you updated on a huge range of world issues, so you can branch out from your usual social media echo chamber. It actually is very good. It is very good. And it's a good script as well. So the current issue as well, I gave it a read before tonight,

and it's got the lowdown on the kind of Mueller-Russian investigation business, which is genuinely thrilling. It's also so much to know. And it's, I need it just broken down for me. I just need it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also feminism in South Korea, which I had no idea about. Shame on me.

Next line. Amazing, considering you're so clever. Yes, you're right. You're so right. Wow. One more thing I love about The Economist is it keeps you away from staring at your phone screen, which is just something that I really need to stop doing. My eyes are squinting from all of the blue light all the time, and it's nice to have a proper magazine just to read on the tube.

Yes, and that's great. Also, you know, things like them. You know, investigation and stuff with Trump. Like, think how... you'll be at the Christmas dinner table if stuff comes up. You'll know it's coming up and you can just absolutely swerve that. Yeah, right? Also just be very well informed.

So go on your phones, text panic to 780-70 and then Steve is, just a bit banter, just a lighthearted banter. Go on, let's do it. Come on. Then my line is, my line is, can I write the next advert? My line is no. And then I say, Stevie for Prime Minister. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Wow. Seameless, seamless stuff. Genuinely wonderful, and there's one on your bag, so read it on the tube, just look really sassy, really chilled. So the next section is How to Survive Christmas Boredom, which is the whole pressure thing, because you're like, I shouldn't be bored.

It's the most wise, wonderful time of the year, but sometimes it can be a boring time of the year. So I struggled. I struggled with tips here, Tessa. I did struggle. I've said games, play loads of games. Sometimes games can get. I thought you could like, I've literally put here,

make up a quiz for your family, which you've said they don't appreciate, so maybe don't. It's not that they don't, well, yeah, they will like it. Just, the only successful, one really successful time, I made different rounds for different people. So we all had to play together, but one was like, name the superhero round,

that like only, name members from WWE, which like only my nine-year-old cousin knew. W, as in the wrestling? Yeah, the wrestling. Oh, great. So everyone else was like, I got nothing. But he like knew all 10. And then I did like a shorthand thing for my auntie who like no shorthands.

Like everyone got to use a skill. Oh great. So that was a nice one. But otherwise they've all gone badly. So yeah, do you make a quiz, make up a game. Bring in people's skills. But also if you're struggling for a present for people like code names, you know. Is that an actual board game called code names?

I've got it and I haven't played it. It's really. It's good. Buy code names everybody. And then for Christmas you can play it. Charades. Who's in the hat? I mean, give it a go.

Oh, the one that you put... Oh, there's one that you can get on your phone. I forgot. I don't know the name so it's pointless. Heads up. That's what's cool. Then you put it on your... He's sponsoring the evening.

You put a... You do this. Yeah, I mean... I should say that it has a thing on it and then you have to describe it. Not just... You don't just do this at people. No, it's just, yeah. Because that...

Great game, though. Yes. Absolutely great game. Introduce a game. There's a... I don't want to describe it, but... No, I can't. It's too tedious. No, should...

Have a go? Should she have a go? No, no, oh my goodness. Yes! Have a go. Okay. So dumb. It's called yay or nay.

And you... Already sounds great. Somebody goes out of the room and you'll think, this sounds like a shit game, but it's fun. Somebody goes out the room. Everyone else agrees the thing that they have to do. So I, like, would leave and I would... And then you'd be like, okay, Tessa has to come back in.

Have a drink of this. And then like, literally, and take off Stevie's shoe. And then hold it up like it's a trophy. And you'd all be like, how is she possibly going to get that? Then I come back in. Oh, so the other person doesn't know that it's a game. Oh, no, I know it's a game. I think it's like to come in and like get my shoe off

and I didn't know it was a game. Oh, no, no, no, you know it's a game. I've left the room, but I take your shoe off. Right, thanks. That's why I was like, don't describe this. So then I come back in, but I know it's a game. I know that all you're allowed to say to me is yay or nay. So I come back in and I like gesture over here

and everyone's like, nay, nay, nay, nay. But then I like move my hand round towards the glass. And I was like, yay, yay, yay, yay. Then I pick it up, I'm like, yay, and then I know to drink it. And it sounds insane, and also a bit like something swingers would do. Now I... Now I describe it. They wouldn't call it yay or nay, though.

But it is a really fun and really stupid, silly game. Oh, Lord. There's adult things just cascading out of Tess's cloak. No, that does sound like a fun game. Those sort of things are fun. They're kind of very simple. Sort of when you're sober, they sound a bit simple, but then actually, when you play them drunk, it's fun.

And also, they're for everyone. Also, I read as well, you know, like, you get to a stage, after Christmas where you're really bored of watching films, you watch all of the Christmas films on Netflix. But have you watched the shit ones? Like, a princess for Christmas. The Princess Switch. The Princess Switch. That's a good one though, isn't it?

Oh, no. Okay. Oh, no. It's got Vanessa Hudgens in it. It's the most astonishing body of work I've ever seen. Watch that. Because it cost millions, and it's insane. Vanessa Hutchinson plays two.

It's so clearly, Vanessa Hutchinson once announced that she could do a British accent. And so she said, could I be something where I do this? And everyone was like, certainly Vanessa. So she plays one princess from Belgravia, a fictional place, covered in snow. And one hip girl from Chicago. Oh, no. They're unrelated yet look identical.

And instead of like going to a scientist or something to be like, what's happened here, they're like, we should switch places for three days. even though one of us is marrying a stranger. It's insane. I watched it all the way to the end, and I had a good time. I mean, I think this is a winner. I think you've got to watch all those. It's basically like the end of the list.

When you keep scrolling, you're like, oh, what festive pony time? Like, what is that? Yeah, absolutely. It was flaming hot garbage. Flaming hot garbage. I also really like the holiday. Have you seen that? That's supposed to be trashy, but I love it.

Oh my God, it's not trashy. I've never seen it before It was like it was so good It's really quite heartwarming I cried at the end It's nice It's nice Had a good cry

I loved it Also I mean I've written here Plan a side hustle for 2019 Baby I was clearly Had a coffee at that point But if you want to

I suppose go ahead But you don't have to I just like a ripple of dissent About the holiday Sorry yes We're going back to the holiday People need to share that it wasn't good Or that it was good

Were you Ring or were you, was good. It was like a boo here from the back. Boo, not good, okay. Well, I take your opinion. It felt like people had another, people felt like people had a Christmas thing that they needed to share, like a film. Did people have?

Okay, understood. Jingle all the way. Jingle all the way. That's like Arnold Schwarzenegger? That's good. That's good. And Sinbad. And Sinbad. Oh, pantos.

Did you get a panto? Are they on at Christmas? I didn't, I don't know. Every day except Christmas Day. This is our researcher here. Our Panto researcher. Well, I think we've smashed that. I don't think we have, but I don't have any more.

Do you have any more How to Survive Christmas Boredom? No. Just to suck it up, mate. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's Christmas. If you're listening, fucking come on. Oh, okay, how to survive Christmas presents. That suck.

Are you wafting it to me? Yes, I'm wafting. I've talked too much. Oh, please. This is a tricky one because I think the thing about receiving a present that isn't nice, especially if it was a bit expensive, or if it was indeed, okay, so the thing about receiving a present isn't nice is you're like, who do you think I am? Like, what is this?

And it feels so painful to receive it and be like, oh my God, you think I like this. Or you literally don't care what I think. And also, especially if you've seen, like, I remember a friend God from in year nine, from her dad's new girlfriend the free watch that you got a boot if you spent five pounds. Oh no. And also we all knew that that's where the watch was from. So

it was like, you know, you really felt like oh cool, good to know my actual value like. Yes. But I think you can't but I think you can't see it. I'm just going to counter. Was it a counter? Yes, if that's okay. I feel like sometimes people do panic buying presents. We did an episode on it

recently and it's quite stressful. Oh, definitely. So I think the first thing about getting a bad present is to be like, don't take it personally. Also, like, they might have just, sometimes people really try and they just get it so wrong. And you just go, and I've done it as well. And it's hard in that moment to like, you have to practice your like thing you're going to say. Like, because otherwise you literally just go like, oh! And then that's really obvious. And also weird. But if you have like a, like, it's just like, oh, this is great. Thanks so much. I always go too far and I try and say like a place that I will use it and cherish it.

So like, thank you so much. I'll put this in my window sill. Like, no, that's not going anywhere. Oh, I put this on eBay. Thank you so much. Oh, God. Just, thank you so much for thinking of me. Yes.

That is all it is. It's like, someone's giving you a thing to be like, here's your thing. Yes, that's, I think a nice thing. Like, that's what presents is a list, and I went and found something for you. Yeah, I wanted to give you something. And I fucked up hard.

Oh, but, but like, you know, you just have to sort of, you know, step outside yourself a bit and be like, oh, love, thank you for. Thank you for anything. Like, how lovely. But then also do put it on eBay. And then crack it on eBay.

Because it's that genuinely, you get some sweet, make some sweet bang, as you say. And then also I thought as well, you could like, maybe that's not a phrase you made up. Maybe you've appropriated it from somewhere. Just to return to my Lord and Savior, Maricondo.

Jesus, I was like, finally. Finally, Jesus. Yeah, but also, what did Jesus preach? Like, love and goodwill and be nice to people. So, like, yeah, let's, happy birthday. You know? Like, yeah. Maricondo's thing about, like, you hold on to stuff

because you're like, somebody gave this me as a gift and I feel so guilty giving away. It's like, you know, that person's totally forgotten. Just like let those things. Also, you can take them to charity shops between Christmas and the year. That stops the boredom.

It's a nice trip out, isn't it? I'm clutching its shores of the boredom here. That's okay. You know, just, I was going to be like, just don't be bored, Stevie. Okay, I'm going to try and have. Also, charity shopping presents you don't want is nice because people often in charge shops just get like the cast-offs.

You get a brand new thing. That's nice. And someone will really love it. Also, I've put here, try to nip it in the bud by getting your parents to circulate a list. Or just like ASOS gift cards. So you don't get tat. Like try and nip it in the bud early.

Yes. An Aesos gift card? HMV. Out of all of the shops. Why not? Woolworths. Book tovans. Blockbuster.

The big names. Yeah. Get the brands out, do you know what I mean? Do you have any more to add? No, that was it for me on present thing. Just to sort of accept, because we get ourselves, because obviously, you know, we can do that thing of like, this is where the pressure comes from.

It's from somebody who makes, it was a fantastic thing, quote the other day about, from somebody who studies consumerism. And they said, consumerism is the temporary release of, good lord. No, we're all on board. come on. The temporary relief of anxiety from a purchase.

Oh, very much so, yeah. So that's what I'm wearing them now. And to be honest, it's not even temporary. This relief from the anxiety is palpable. You know, we get in a head of like, oh, if I just buy this product, then I'll be a, if I get the right notebook, the right cream, the right hair thing, like that'll make me a better person.

If I buy the right present, I'll be able, somebody will like it, people will love me, like, you know, all of this stuff. And so we get so, and we're sold that idea so clearly from, you know, everything. And that's with Christmas as a whole. Like, if I'm not having the most magical Christmas of all the time, then I'm a failure. Like, I obviously can't enjoy Christmas. And so, it's just like being aware of, like, that if you work for a brand, or like, if you are, if you work for a business, like, people did their Christmas planning in March and they already had everything prepared.

Yes. And then in August, they did their January, you're too fat. Let's start moving. So, like, that's the kind of, and businesses make enough money. in December to like survive for the whole year. It's like it's in their interest to sell this like the perfect, the perfect, if you just get the perfect Christmas. So just be aware of where it comes from and be like.

Just have a nice Christmas. It's just you having a snack and a bailey's with some people you like. Or nobody. Or nobody. None of the stories or none of the films or none of the stuff is ever about. I mean literally, jingle all the way. Like it's about this dad trying desperately to find the right present

to keep his kid happy. Yes. And at the end, the kid just wants his dad. Like, so just give people the... Your dad. No, I get it. No, I get it. No, just give people you

and just have like a lovely time and wrap people up and like, you know. No, finish that, please. Wrap people are. Or like, you know, the best thing that you can do on Christmas day is like, that's jingle all the way. I mean, the best thing you can do is like,

listen and be like, hey, how are you? Do you want, like, let's do you want to? Yeah, and I was like, just let's have a fun time. I'm going to give you time. No press. The thing I'm going to give you. And I, you know, it pops up on Instagram all the time, but I do love it because I'm a basic bitch.

I, that thing that says like, it says like Christmas to do list, you know, wrap presents, wrap presents, buy something, spend this, you know, make food and someone's crossed out the presents. So it says like, instead of wrap presents, it says like wrap people in a hug. No, it says be present, oh, Jember. And then it says that, that's the only one to know. It basically has changed at all, so it's all like,

it's not about the gifts, guys. Is it be present, wrap people in a hug? Yes. Someone, someone who wrote is here. Who else can help? Get in a helicopter. It was something about make food, but then I think they've crossed out food and written time,

but you do need food. You do need food. Oh, I would prioritise food over time. Yeah, it's just like, just go now and give somebody that you love a hug and, you know, be like, Mary, you know. Oh, God, so emotional. Mary, you know, you know. That's what she said.

Happy Jesus is a birthday. Happy Him Day. But yes, thank you so much for coming. If you're listening, tweet us at Nobody Panic Pod. At StivM, the S is a 5. To say, happy Christmas. On Christmas.

At Tessacote. Yes, sometimes a happy Christmas. We'll send it back. Big thanks to the economist. I mean, this literally would not have happened without them. So big cheer for them, please. They're amazing. And Altitude London.

And Tibies for the food. and Amy Coates and you all for you guys. We're on the bottom of our hearts. Thank you so much for coming in. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.