Nobody Panic - How to Wingman/Wingperson with Phil Wang (Live at Soho Theatre)

Episode Date: July 26, 2022

A live episode, recorded at Soho Theatre on 13 June 2022, with special guest Phil Wang! Alternative titles include: How to Wangman, and How to be the Sexual Facilitator. An all-inclusive guide to helping your friend when they’ve got a crush.Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded by Ben Williams live at Soho Theatre and edited by Naomi Parnell for PlosivePhotos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Welcome to Nobody Panic We're coming to you live

from London's glittering West End and the basement of the Quite a sexy Soho Theatre Sexy but also Feels like there could be asbestos at any At any turn What's sexy than asbestos? Yes

We're not alone, are we? No, we're not. Because we're joined by the excellent Phil Wang. Yes! Emerging from the Apsest. where he comes. Where he lives here in the basement. And Phil, do you want to introduce us to today's topic?

Oh, yes. Today's topic on Nobody Panic the podcast is How to Wing person, i.e. how to wing man. It is. How to wing that. How to wing that. Okay. If you like it, then you should put a wing on it. That's why they pay him a bow.

Big box. Come on, taskmaster. But before we do put a wing on it, we're going to read out the... It's like your own joke there. Said back to you. We're going to...

The audio, the lovely audience. You put a cup yourself there. That's nice, isn't it? Yeah, it's lovely. A cup of... Yeah, paper. I'm glad you're talking about that. I'll just... Yeah, sorry, you carry on with your professional podcast. No, I'm just for the people listening.

Certainly, certainly. Phil's got a great cup. also that's the main thing to take home from today and we've put the audience members adult things into little cops

and we're going to read them out so shall we just take it in turns and sort of just do it like that absolutely and go I hope I'd be lovely to me I really like doing the adult things because we get to chat to people and also you get to

I clearly identify who listens to the podcast and is the boyfriend and who is a supportive boyfriend who is also here tonight. Give it up for the boyfriend. God bless you. God bless

you. And also who is maybe just to somebody quite cool, perhaps international, overseas, taken a chance, come in, doesn't know what the fuck this is. And so far, not one over. Not, so far, unimpressed. Yeah. Yeah, we salute you. Yeah, we salute you. Yeah, we salute you. But sometimes people think we're asking for your sexiest adult thing. And we have

to say, no, no, no, no, sir. Okay, I'm going to start off with, I love this, start off, as you mean to go on, bought a tablespoon measurer. What is that? Do you measure the length of it? No, it's fine, yeah, yeah, yeah, love it, love it, love it, go on. Went to the cinema on my own,

and wasn't at all self-conscious about it, and when I got there, no one else had booked, so basically, I had a private cinema screening. Ooh, lovely. I had a really frank conversation with my boyfriend about my knees. I thought you were going to say knees? I thought it was knees. And I was like, yeah, I guess we got to discuss them.

We got to discuss those knees. I know, and I'm not happy, but I've lost confidence in my joints. Okay. Oh, shit. Found an exercise. I actually enjoy, Brackets, climbing. Oh, so good. It's climbing.

Stopped seeing a nasty friends with benefits man and went on a date with a nice man, brackets. Who texts back? Yes. This one says, saved a woodpecker. And then in brackets, great are spotted.

Started a stressful new job, haven't cried yet. You will. I chose to stay in the luxury hotel for my friend's wedding in Montenegro instead of the budget Airbnb. Oh, I will put, I took it out, but they have put brackets,

but reasonably priced. And I thought, no, back yourself. But then as I got, further into it when it was like, for the wedding in Montenegro, I thought I did need to clarify about the reason to be priestly. I did need that. But clothes back in the dryer instead of packing them wet. Was that you, Tessa?

Have you written that all thing? I wish that was me. And then they got locked in the machine. Oh. My clothes be damp every day. I registered my car, humble brag. You have a car. For its tax on the day I was reminded.

I don't know what any of that means, but it sounds great. know what a car is. Upgraded my debit card purely for travel insurance purposes. Oh, lovely. Okay, we have a very adult crowd. This crowd are really bringing their game. Learned. Learned how to do my own threading.

Oh, it's an eyebrow. Eyebrow thread. Oh, shit, okay. I don't know what that is. I can't need to really get a life. Replace the filter on the Dyson. They've written in brackets, fuck my life. I actually misread that as foul.

Yeah, absolutely fair. Fowled a work email earlier than I'll wake up tomorrow to give the illusion that I'm conscientious I'll do it at like not on the hour like 805 So it looks like you haven't used the actual scheduling feature, yeah Bought a house Amazing but it's accompanied by a little emoji that looks like a P and like loads of Zs next to it

Like that's boring It's not boring Well done You did so right Yeah someone's for a house Maybe that's them sleeping and then you have Oh yeah, okay, fair enough, for enough. Oh, dear.

Okay, I did my laundry before I ran out of clean underwear. Powerful. Oh, it's a good one, yeah. Got phone insurance through my bank and my phone was stolen. Two weeks later, dot, dot, dot, yay, question. And then two absolute bangers coming back to back. Sat my first doctorate exam. Holy shit.

Immediately followed by, upgraded my cat litter. To what? That's not the important part. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Upgraded. This week, a 25-year-old female started my new job in a massive fucking hedge fund.

In brackets, pray for me. I really hope that's the energy you bring in every day. It's fucking massive. I'm 25 and a female. Everyone's like, this is a place of work. Please, please me. It's not swearing.

Very good. I agreed to sew my friend's wedding dress. Aw. To sew it? To sew it? To sew it. That's huge. Yeah, I think just to sew.

unless it's to new my friend's wedding dress, but that doesn't make sense, so it must be so. That's great. I edited an article about Toy Story, already so many questions, and then I didn't cry when thinking about Toy Story. That really is good, especially the one where they go into the incinerator,

that one, that's fucking terrifying. I had specified Toy Story 3. There's three, it's three. It's the weakly one. It's the weeky one. Okay, so shall we get into wingmaning? Absolutely. I wish the...

Sorry, sexual facilitating. I will use that regularly because it's just better. Right, so, what is wing, manning? We should probably like, you know, establish what it is. It's a pilot who supports another pilot in a potentially dangerous flight scenario.

That's what we'll be doing today. You will of course know it from Maverick, brackets, Top Gun. Top Gun. Top Gun. It's like a Maverick. Colon Maverick. I think it's some wings underneath it.

Oh. I suppose I have to stop the show and leave after this point. So it's just called Top Gun Maverick. No, no, no, no. It is. On the poster shore, there's some graphic design going on. Top Gun Chevron Maverick. But we're talking, like, typed out.

You're saying like on, like, in sort of the digital inputs, it's not going to say Top Gun, Top Gun Maverick one go. It'll be Top Gun, Colon Maverick. Or you just use wingdings, put wings in. Oh, yeah. I did forget about wingtings. Wow. All I'm saying is

So basically today is about that film. Is the term wingmanning from Top Gun? I was assumed it was from Top Gun, the original. It was popularized by Top Gun, yeah. I only watched the original Top Gun for the first time like two weeks ago. It's mad. How did you feel?

...inferiorate the three men in the audience. But I... And the whole time was like, here it comes, here's the wingmaning scene. Here's the scene where the whole term wingman came from, and it never came up. No, it's very much flight-based. It's implied.

Yeah. So no one ever says wingman in it. They do, a lot. In the technical, accurate term of flying a fighter jet. Oh, and you hope there would also be a supportive bar scene. Yeah, yeah. There's a scene where they literally, Tom Cruise literally gets the entire bar to sing at a woman. And his wingman is just stood there also singing.

And then she goes, good one or something. Yeah, he follows him into the bathroom. Yeah, he does, he does. She tries to go to the toilet. He's like, hello! It's actually very good of how not to wingman in life, but he's a very good wingman in flight. I love an 80s, and there's nothing like an 80s movie

to portray the first sort of meat cute in a way that is anything but the clear, like, sexual harassment. Every 80s classic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just the romance starts with sexual harassment. But then she puts glasses on, and she's an intelligent woman. It turns out she's clever, yeah. And she knows about the planes.

So it's all fine. Cruz does a face which is like who saw this coming. When he puts on something on glasses it turns out she's the box. Everyone saw that coming. Anyway it's about it's well I suppose in the plane the guy behind you is your support pilot and then

when you're flying the main fighter jet there's like an inexplicably another plane with a man called Bob in it and that plane is the wingman. Right. Have you seen it? The new top gun? No I'm sorry that Bobbing is a huge spoiler. He is

called Bob. But anyway, it's about what we're offering here when you wing is to be on the wing, looking for danger, looking for hot bods, hot potential boss that you could sexually

facilitate and supporting your main person on their quest. Yes. And as we touched on about the actual film, the term obviously wing manning is it sort of implies that actually there is a bit in top gun that he goes into the bar

and he goes like oh and he's like yeah so many targets here or like everyone's a target and the issue with the concept of wing manning it sort of does reduce the sort of whoever you're trying to have sex with as being a target because you're like you know but you can do it in a way that isn't that you know it's sometimes

called sharking as well isn't it sharking yes yes or being near somebody wants to have sex with someone else yes what's sharking in the water? In the water. It's wing manning in the water that you're on a scuba holiday and your wing yeah yeah

you see like a fit bit of plankton and you just get in there so is there any liquid embased that now we're shark in no you're supporting your wingman and they are sharking well okay I think they're mixing the metaphors a little bit down there's a negative way though because if you see someone sharking like that is a very predatory way of

I feel like I'm yeah the predatory way of doing it which when you see like a load of lads and again it feels like we can't get away from the gender sort of normative element but like you see lads and they kind of like they're making a bee line. Oh, another animal. Fucking hell.

Okay. But being into the room. But basically, essentially, the vibe in modern day, obviously, is sort of your... I read this article before we came here. There was like, Wing Manning is simply about knowing

where to stand, what to say, when to help, and when to walk away. It's just everything in social scenario. Like, how are you fucking supposed to... No, okay, cool, just be socially excellent all the time. Okay, great. But it was quite helpful,

and I think there are sort of certain elements of it that I think are important. For example, starting from chronologically going through the wing manning experience, you start in, you've got to get your location right, and because you're, I think, the advisory,

you're the sort of the positive ergo, if I may use a Shakespeare reference, where you're whispering helpful things into Othello's ear, you know, and nobody dies. But immediately, if someone's like, okay, I'm going to a

I'm going to Sainsbury's. Can you wink man me? You're like, I don't think anyone wants to approach in Sainsbury's. Bars, clubs, that's where you're doing your wingmaning. And if anyone wants to anywhere else, it can be a little bit of a weird vibe. And I think you've got to, you know,

especially as well, like, be aware of things like, you know, someone's on their own and you're in a massive group. Like, you're like, hey, let's maybe chill things out. You're there to kind of oversee the situation and be like, yeah, the kind of conciliere as another mafia reference that I decided to go with. Please.

I want to be in the mafia, but that's a separate episode. Anyway, yeah. Do we agree that that maybe is what the wingman's vibe is? I think, yeah, I think somewhere in there was a definition of a wingman. A wang burn. I've heard tell of it. Yeah, it's just going with a friend to help him. Bang.

Not necessarily just bang, maybe start a romantic relationship. Maybe just have a fun little flirt. Because who doesn't enjoy a little flirt from time to time? It doesn't have to lead anything material, but a flirted for its own sake is fun. Sometimes it's not the destination is the journey, you know? Oh my God. This is so good.

That's so good. It's really adorable. In our role as your sexual facilitator tonight, we've already smashed it. Everyone wants to have sex. Everyone who was thinking about it is like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Spes some time with it.

Absolutely. But I think, isn't it more sort of, specifically it's about having a friend who will occupy the person you're romantically interested in's friend. It's so that you aren't outnumbered by the your object of your desire's social group. So you have a certain low of long time. Because I think there's like this thing in like lads films of the naughties, naughty lads films, the 2000s is what I just said, where it's like, oh, the wingman and he always ends up sleeping with like someone's grandma. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's like, oh, there we go. But that's not the net, you don't have to, like, sleep with the other person. It's just about sort of showing the object of the desire that the friend that you're with is like, she's fun, he's fun, like, they're having a fun time. Like, so you sort of, you're, like, facilitating the fun rather than being like, I will take everyone else out of the way

so that person is solely, is that? Yeah, I think I know what it is. I think it's a crucial aspect that's like, is we're fun, we're hyping, we're like, this is fine. but also like we're like oh and we're edging just giving those two a little bit of extra space you know when to step away okay but you know when to go yoga bombs after bought them yeah yeah yeah yeah oh it's fun for everybody we're in a nice fun group but it's also to be like hey pal we're we're chatting and our two friends are over here and then i think there's an aspect of a sort of year five my friend fancies your friend do you fancy you fancy you you do you say that when you're wingmaning do you do you say that when you're wingmaning do you do you say that when you do you do you do it does you do you do you do you do do you do My friend fancies your friend. You know that thing? At school where you'd have to go

to someone to be like, my friend fancies your friend. Is it like an adult version of that? Do you think? I think maybe the closest year to is like, well, they're getting on, aren't they? You know, something like that. To them?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just grab right to the two people's faces and go, you're getting on, aren't you? And then back away and stand on your own. And even if they aren't, it gets into their head and they go, go on, maybe we are. Who's that?

You're just going to go upstairs tonight and wing man the whole bar, just going up to any strangers being like, oh, you're getting on, aren't you? Getting on like a house on fire. See you later. Everyone's just furiously snogging in your wake. Everybody, the light touches. If someone asks you to be there, so I'm saying, sorry, I'm saying this because I was the only time I've ever wink-mand,

oh, good, so there's wank-mand, yeah, that's very good. The only time ever wank-manned was, it sounds like I'm saying wank-mand. Anyway, it's fine. All that, I guess, was, um, was, uh, was, um, ages ago at uni and my friend asked me oh could you come in wing man and there was no like additional information

so I was like okay I sort of knew who she liked and we went to this place and I was talking to this I went to get some drinks and was a guy next to me and there was some sort of like like a cuffle about the drinks and he was like oh god I've spilled drinks I mean I was like oh it's fine it's fine I'm just wingmaning

and then I realized it was the man it was the boy he was a 19 year old man who she wanted to have sex with and I was like well now I call wingman because I've just said to him, I'm winged. Oh, no, right. Yeah. Then he went, oh, for who?

And then I pointed it to some people. And it was like, oh, like. And then my friend was furious, because I spent the whole time sort of, like, orbiting these people I didn't know. And she didn't have sex with him. So what I'm saying is, like, when someone asks you to a wingman, it can be a bit, a bit much for them. Yeah.

I don't know. But being a wingman doesn't mean people are just allowed to throw drinks on you, either. Oh, that's true. You were like, you got the guy spilled drink on you, you went, oh God, sorry. And you went, don't worry, I'm just a wingmaning. Like he was going to, oh, all right,

then just throw another drink on you. Yeah. I'm just absolutely nothing. I'm nothing. I'm really inside into just my entire personality there. Yeah, it really was. And also, I didn't even pick up on it. Sometimes we really need an outside voice here to say,

you two are fucking mad. Oh, God. I, um, okay, so the first, the last successful time I did it was, um, we're at a party and a friend of mine who was always quite unlucky in love. Um, and it was like chatting to this boy and I was like, oh, you're getting on, aren't you? Emma Thompson said. And, uh, anyway, they were really getting on. And then she was like, I was like, oh, wink, wink. And she was like, wink, wink. And then, um, she was too nervous to sort of like bring him back to, or like to make those big, the big, the big steps.

So me and our other mutual friend, double wingman on either side of the fighter jet, a cobra pincer movement. We were like, oh, we're all going back to this girl's house. That's what we do. We're all having sex with you. We're all having sex with you.

No, it was like, it was like, we very, it feels like that's what they would have thought. Us two. Oh, do you think? No, I'm sorry, I'll let you continue and then I'll give my assessment. Okay, so it's me and a boy. are the, we're the, we're the wing team.

Okay. Then our female friend, then her objective. And you're all at this man's house? We're all at, no, we're all at my friend's house. And he's there. And he's there. Oh, fun, okay. So it felt like, yeah, oh no, if we'd all gone to his house, that would be mad.

If when he was like, do you want to come back for Netflix? Yes! I'd be like, I've really enjoyed the new Adam Sandler movie if anybody wants to watch that. No, we all go back to her house. So then it's just like a casual. So then it didn't feel so much like, don't want to come back to mine. It was just like, after party.

So it's just the four of us. We've been so casually being like, after party. Like, this is just a fun thing we do. And like, this is so fine. And we've been doing it so intensely for about five hours. Me and my old, old, very platonic, old.

85 year old friends. No, it was my age, but just we were just, you know, just friends. And we were very intensely and being like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And finally they start kissing in the kitchen. And then, oh, we did it. We fucking did it. And then they, um, they, they, they, um, leave, they go into her room.

Me and my old friend were so relieved. We're like the end of a sort of like apocalypse movie that you know, with the fight, with a civil, we've done it. We just were like, it was such an emotional journey of just being cool for five hours, you know? Socially facilitating, yeah. Facilitating and being like, yeah, I'm fun and we're all having fun. Keep having the fun and now have sex, please.

Anyway, then we high five and then all this emotion just... Oh my God, no. We just started kissing. Oh, man, like, oh, it was so intense. Every time we do a live one You'll say a story I'm like, what? How?

I've never kissed anyone Did you... Sorry, but did you burn? Yes! Sure! So you're the sex party! I wing-mang my own... You wing-man someone else and yourself

and the person you're with and everyone had sex. This story was... I'm so depressed. No, okay, all right, I'll add a coda. You wing-man me like later. I wing-man you? I'll wing-man. All of us, I'll do it.

I will then have to sleep with somebody because the energy will be going somewhere. But I will give you a coder so you aren't too jealous of me. It was the deep winter and it was that time when I was... Deep winter. And that's all we need to know. It happened in the Christmas Carol, so it's not that sexy. It was that time I was doing that experiment

to see how long I could let my leg hair grow. Yes, I was there when she showed. shaved it. It was after nine months. It was, it was, it was, it was a good, she, we went,

we had to do, no, it's, okay. I'm doing it, brackets, we had to go to the, but to do a gig, and it was at this like

student ball, and the student ball went all night. Anyway, Tessa tried to shave her legs, couldn't, because the, like, I was so thick,

and it was in a sink. And then she only shaved the front. And then, and then, but then, it was summer. So then, obviously the light,

like the sun came up, and she was creeping around this thing, like a sort of bat, Because you couldn't turn around And I was like Of course you can't And she turned around

It was honestly Like it was the thickest thing I've ever seen It was incredible You look absolutely excellent But also mad Yeah it was so bad It was really

It was really bad Anyway these were at their peak And they were so downy And so long And I thought What are like tentacles Yeah they were like tentacles I was like what am I going to do

So what I did was I kept one leg of my tights on And the other leg I just moved around really fast at the gig, that would have worked. In my head I was like, if I do that, he'll think it's his leg. Right, okay, okay. Does that work?

I'm like, shit, I'm for four legs. Only three, because one's got the tight size. So there's like scam artists on the street with the coconut shell switching around. You thought you're going to do that with your leg. Unless possible. Unless the puzzle. Where's the ball? Where's the ball?

Where's the ball? Right, right, right, okay. Oh, it's going so fast. That's amazing. And meanwhile, he's going, God, I need to shave my leg. Yeah, I think I've grown a third leg. That's amazing. Okay, great.

And what have you learned from that? No thing at all. I suppose my point is simply... Move your leg fast. And also, you know, the role is this... We're fun. Oh, yeah, no, sure. You know, it's about creating this, like,

we're facilitating this, like, it's an endlessly fun environment, and I'm fun and you're fun and we all do fun things. And it is exhausting, and you're kissing might be fun. Yes, and you say to them. You can't, I think, I don't know, you can, but maybe it's not the best idea

to be like the most drunk. Certainly, no. Because you've got to be there to like, again, make sure you're being socially great and if you're like, you know. You're basically a driver. Yeah, you kind of exactly, aren't you? Driving the evening.

You can't get drunk. Yes. You're driving the evening. You can do a bit. Go on. Drive. Driving the evening. There we go.

You can drink, but maybe do like, you know, water in between that thing where it's like helpful to, or do that. I'll do this. A lot. And then no one wants to have sex with you. Then move on to the person who's next to you. How seriously do you take your driving role, like if the conversation was lulling or if they were, you know, wasn't, would you feel like you, as the driver that you have to be like?

Do you have good conversation starters? Oh, yes, I do, yeah. Okay, so let's do some. So the conversations are long. My go-toes are, rank all your favorite carbohydrates. You laugh. Potatoes number one, obviously. You've got potatoes, rice, noodles, pasta.

You can't have noodles, pasta, together, up to you. Really? And then bread. And you rank them from most favourite. Potatoes are so, like, you can do so much for the potato. Was it the rice? I've never said it was an easy question. Potatoes, bread.

Well, exactly. Yes. See, we're hitting enough already. Look at this. Yes, here we go. See, we were lulling, and now, who, you know? Off we go, very nice.

What else you got in that, in there? My other one is, if you had to work for one of the emergency services, which one would be? It's a sexy question. Your choice is our potato, bread. Very good. What's yours?

Police. Sorry, I know. I want to be a detective. I want to be like a detective or something, you know. High up by the police. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fire, funny. But I have very, obviously, I have a romanticised idea

of what most of the police work constitutes. I think it's sort of walking around murder scenes sort of looking, mm, doing that, you know. But it's mostly just paperwork and sitting in a van by the looks of things. Yeah, I think that is what it is. If I like, the next thing, aren't it much going to be, well, that's lunch, but, like, you didn't feel like you were going to solve anything.

What would yours be? Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire. There's police. fire, ambulance, lifeboats, if you are. Oh.

What about? Chop, chop, chop. The Prince Harry one? The Prince Harry one? The Air ambulance. I don't want to do any of it. Yeah, but I said you have to. I'd be very bad in an emergency situation. Priest. I'm a priest.

There we go. I'll just... Can't just baby baptize now! Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah. That's real nice. It takes a lot, doesn't it, to be? Those took decades to come out with those two questions. Two decades have to think about it.

My whole life has been leading up to just... I've accumulated those two questions. It was worth it. Yeah, they work, but I could do it more. But then if someone needs you to bring one again and you're saying the same thing over and over again, the thing is, I think it's about like, I don't know, the sort of stress of it

and also like the practice of it and not feeling like there's too much pressure on you. And I was saying, you're just there, you're not, you're not the main event. The main event is those two people. Absolutely. The moment you take yourself out of a main character moment, you're fine, you know?

So wise. You two being so wise tonight. I'm going to say to riff on your carbohydrates, stay hydrated. And remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint, and don't bring the sprint energy, because then you bring a sort of like, go on, fuck, you know? Yeah, yeah, that's when it's unpleasant. That is effective.

I mean, to take your story as an example, that was five hours. Five hours of this thing. But Tesla got a little something for that too. Somebody got a little something. So, yeah, I think, be like, this is, you know, it might take a while. Work, easy, easy. Yeah, don't go into it thinking

I'm just going to have a great night because you are going to have to be on form. Yeah, you're at work. You're at work. Yeah, you're at work. You're in... You're at the emergency services, you know, you are doing it.

Yes. Yes. Yeah, also as well, maybe don't be too fit because what if they want to have sex with you? Well, on WikiHow, if you look up this question on WikiHau. Why are people laughing? I don't know, but go for it. On Wiki How, the number one top tip was literally

don't be too fit. It's not. Really? It is literally make sure the person you are wingmaning is in your attractiveness bracket. I don't like that. I know what I'm saying WikiHOW is a good place to go. But it's a... I think it makes sense.

I think it makes sense. But how do you... That's subjective, surely? If Brad Pitt came out and was the wingman, you'd be like, he ain't doing his job, you know? He can't help that. He can't help it. No, but you should know it's not his place. Okay, but I don't know, but there are people who are more attractive for me personally than Brad Pitt, you know?

Like how do you know? I bet you can't name one on the spot. George Osborne, I can't. I can't. Okay, but that can't be an actual tip that we don't be as fit as them. No, it's not from me, but it is from my source, WikiHouse.

Right. And it has some truth to it, but you're right. I guess don't like come like bring in the sauce, maybe. You know, you can't help it if your source is accidental, sure. But like, you can't come be like actively activating your own sauce. Yeah, don't be in your best outfit, being your third date outfit, not your first date outfit. Is that fair?

Yeah, but your hair's fine. Like, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all right. But, like, no one's going to be right in home about that. You're going to be, you're going to look, you're going to look like the best friend in a rom-com. Oh, that's good. Yeah, okay.

Best friend. That's a level you're playing at. Yeah. You're bruner, you're fit, and you've got glasses. Yes, you've got glasses. They're always really fit, though, the best friend. Yeah, but the hair's a bit curly. They've got a perfect tale

Yeah A pawn? That's exactly your role for this night Is to condense your personality Into a Crush it like a diamond Yes You are nothing

No, the opposite You just condens I've not got a hand on it I've got to handle You have okay You're doing so good But you're going to condense your personality Into its best bits

And you're just on form Really top form Yeah see you've tied already It's not good is it We have to have a snack beforehand Oh, that's fine then. Okay, hydrate. You've et. Okay. Also, should you be the one who's like suggesting bars? So you're like, hey, should we just go

to an owl's bar? I can't think of a bar. For you, for you, for you, no. Right, no, sure. No, I can't do it. Because I know you'll arrive and then be like, should we leave? And take everyone somewhere else. Yeah. And with the pressure of it all. Well, I'm never going to wingman again, obviously, that's my first experience. I think also, oh my God, that's a tip. No, if you can't wingman.

Like, that's good, isn't it? Yeah. If someone asked, honestly, if someone said to me, gun to my head do you want a wingman and be like I can't and that's fine also weird terrorist yeah all good

I mean if that's you're terrorists and that's fine if that's what I'm asking I actually would do that for that but yeah no yeah I think you've got to know your limits and know your boundaries know thyself yeah don't cover your neighbour's ass as well

option yeah because that would fuck up your wingmaning absolutely it would yeah that's very sensible to be like you know what I'll get too anxious I'll suggest too many bars. I'll shout, I'm the wingman when I enter. Any more tips for any more? I guess it's no the difference between wingman and chaperone

when you've been asked to... I'm going to escort. Sorry, yes. Do know if you've been asked to be an escort. No, if you've been invited along on the date, if your job is to winged man and facilitate and be this super fun person. Yes, so it's like a double date. Or if your job is to be a weird buffer

and just also be there. I've just also been invited on several chaperones. experience it. Definitely. Can you be weird and also be there? That's mad. They didn't ask me to be weird. They just wanted a body in the room. Oh God, do you be a body in the room. And I've done it. I've done it. What happens with that? Like, what do you do? Well, it was also, it was the dead of winter once again. And this time I was wearing a very large fur coat and it was buttoned to the chin.

And these two were just really flirting and I was just bafflingly there. And, oh, I tell you why. It's because one of them had a partner. So they shouldn't really have been at this thing. Oh my God, wait, so you're shepherding someone who's already in a relationship. And you were dressed like a bear. Yes. Listen, it's, yeah, that's why I'm saying

know if you what your, what your job is here. You're facilitating an affair? Yeah, literally. You're in a fair bear? You're in a fair bear. You're in a fair bear. A fair bear. Oh my God!

How did they, how dare you be in a fair bear? How did they ask you? It was a fair bear. You're in a fair bear? What did they say? What was the thing? What was the WhatsApp? Like, what did they say?

can you just come and watch me get off with a married map? No, no, no, no, that was the thing. They weren't going to. And so it was like, if you're here, this event will be fine. Oh, my God. Yeah, if someone says, sorry, this is awful, but if you're there, I'll get away with it. Don't go.

Now I'm saying it out loud. Yeah. It was bad. But, yeah. And I, yeah, I see. I wasn't a fair bear. That's exactly what I was. It was like there, it meant that their sort of flirting was now totally okay

because we were all there. that there was three people, but if it's just been the two, then it wouldn't have been okay. I'm sorry to bring up the chaperone point, you can all strike that from the judicial records, you don't need it. It's a good tip to not do that, I just suppose it's like knowing, just knowing your energy if you're just like oh, I'm already going on this date.

We've already established a chemistry. We've already, you know, they've asked me on this date but you just need a bit of backup or like I fancy this person, I don't know how to move in. Yeah, I think a group situation fine, club, fine, bar, fine, because it's like dinner or like drinks and you're just sat there with your coat buttoned up. Like that's

I'd say also on your coat if you're a wingman. That's the other thing. It was so chilly. It was like... No, you were fine, because that was a terrible situation you had to deal with. I mean, like, in general.

I was just dressed like an elderly aunt. It was just awful. It was awful. So, yeah, don't end up. Don't end up there, I suppose. Don't be the affair bear. Don't do it. Any more tips?

Any more tips? I suppose subtlety is the name of the game. Don't overdo it, you know? Absolutely, yes. You can big someone up too much. You can pick someone up so much that starts to get suspicious. Yeah, if you're constantly being like,

do you want to drink also? He's got great bums. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do we subtly say someone is great? Yeah, suddenly compliment your friend. Oh, that's very good. Oh, just a half pint for me. My friend, though, he'll have a full pint.

He can handle that. He's very thirsty all the time. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Wow, that's really nice. Yeah, you're so good at this. Yeah, pretty good. Yeah, pretty good. That's great.

Setting someone up. So if someone's done something impressive, you go, oh, that's like when you saved the mountain or whatever. You know, I don't know. It's something impressive. Wow, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's such a tough one, isn't it? If someone's got a fantastic, you know, Dealia Smith impression.

That felt like you've got one and you will be doing it. I haven't. I was actually just trying to think of... That was an example of... I'm a mad wing money. Do it. I wish I did. I've bought a football club. That was really good.

But I'm a chef. Oh yeah, okay. See, look, already, that was good. Adorable. I actually don't really know how to do it as much sense, but say you've got a fantastic impression or a cool story. At the time you save the mountain,

a bit that you've got a thing, a very funny thing. And you want to naturally segue to it without shouting, go on, do it. Do the little thing that you do. Tell her about the mountain. Or that.

tell that funny story because there's nothing worse because then so it won't be it won't be funny now that you've you know you've said it you've got a good impression that's quite like comes out quite jarring didn't it quite injuring to shout do it do it now so maybe if it's like oh we need to get to Delia Smith

so let's start with Cooker I love Delia Smith and just stare at them it's endlessly do you play the football I have done in my time yeah once or twice see hey it's available but what's it called when you the goal score

Passed? Passed the ball? Pass. No, no, it's called goal assist. Is that right? An assist. Okay, sure. So we could have scored the goal ourselves, but we pass to somebody else.

It's not always the case in football. Is it not? No. Usually it's because the person who's assisted in the goal scorer can't. Can't. Can't. I would say that's like in life.

You're not always going to be able to score with the person, do you know what I'm? Oh my gosh. Nice. Nice. Nice. That's lovely. But yeah, so you're the assist.

You're not a goal. It's endless sort of passing the ball, setting them up, letting them score, showing what they can do in a lovely, gentle way that isn't just lobbing the ball at their head.

Maybe doing a nice casual compliment where it's like, oh, you don't really great. That top looks really great on you or whatever. So then the other person hears it and it's like, yeah, they do. You know?

Again, I won't be wingmanning anytime soon. Is it too? You are. You enter, you shout, I'm the wingman, you say, wow. You look good, you love sex with you. And then I leave, yeah. No, it's not going, yeah, you're bombs. Let's go to the next bar, I suppose.

Wagammas? Yeah, no, okay, fine, yeah, but a, uh, yeah. No, just no, no. Just, yeah, go ahead. Yeah, a subtle encouragement of their, um, of, physique. Yeah. All right. I mean, I hope, was that, I think that was helpful.

I think, I think, I think it's ultimately, you need to take it as seriously as driving the jet behind Mr. Cruz and you need to be on it. You need to be focused. You need to be always thinking nice. Always helping. Always thinking nice thoughts. Yeah.

Yeah. You're relentlessly positive. You're not there to be like, oh, this bar, shit. You're there to be like, what a fun place. Let's do more fun stuff. And you're in it, and you're in it. Be patient and not to rush, yes.

Not to rush. And not necessarily you don't necessarily have to have sex with the other person. No, you don't have to do that. Optional. Optional. Optional. You have to. And I would say you're in it

until they're in it. Oh, no. You're in it until they win it? Until they're in it is what I said. But you should be there in it. You're in it until they win it. Yeah, that's better. That's more sort of vague and that's like perfect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're in the game. You're in with them. But then if it doesn't work out, do you then have to go back to your friend's place and you have to live with them until eventually they do. Until they win it, you're in it.

So you're in it. specified the rules. The contract. Yeah. You can't leave. You're in now. You make the breakfast the next morning.

It's a you jump, I jump, you know? Yeah. It's, you're in. You're in, lads. We've winked manned, winged person. I feel we've sexually facilitated. Thank you so much, so hove and people

for having us. It's been so lovely. And yes, you can follow. Phil Wang, everybody. Amazing. Oh, thank you for having me. So great. So nice.

What an absolute talk class. be your... I'm going to wing man you up. Firstly, this is so nice. I really like these flowers. They look lovely. Thank you so much. Really nice.

Where are they from? Should you get that on your travels up that mountain? Yeah, the one that I save. Phil has an amazing book out. It's called Side Splitter. A travel up a mountain. I do actually climb a mountain in it.

Yeah, right? But what's the... After the Colon on Side Splitter. What's the colon? Oh, how to be from two worlds at once. Oh. Very nice. A bit of fun.

It's about growing up in... It's about being Malaysian and British at the same time. There it is. But he's also on tour with Phil Wang, the real hero in all of this. Yeah. I'm not doing a very good wingman. I'm sort of off.

I'm very badly going on. No, yeah. Not until next year. Next year. I'm doing a terrible job. Doing a next year plug. An annual plug. Yeah, that's true.

So if you all just remember that. I'd really appreciate it. Do you want to wingman yourself into helping, into anything you want to plug? No, you've done a great job. Oh, please. I have a Netflix special, so please watch that. Because if you don't get enough views, they don't let you do anymore. So please, please, yeah, just rack up the views.

Just keep it playing on a loop in the house. Yeah, mute it in the day. Will that help? Yeah, go shopping. I don't have to watch it. Just have it on. If I think don't watch it. Actually, yeah, don't. Don't.

But just get it, make it play and then make it play again. Okay? It's all about completion with Netflix. So you've got to be seeing those crows. Okay, don't be doing a bit. It's not true. They're obsessed with completion. Obsessed.

As is a good wing man. As a good wing man. As am I. I'm in it till they win it, okay? I'm in it till the credits roll. No, if you leave after, if people watch a show and they turn it off after five minutes, no, no.

Oh, wow. So we've got to watch a TV show till it's end, till it's dying days. So please, we've got to watch Phil Wang. Okay. And we will. And we will. And he's got an amazing book out.

And he's got a lovely tour. And he's a top guy. And we have a book. No, you mustn't say, oh shit. Oh, sorry. Oh, shit. Oh, great. Tell them, boy.

We also have a book. It's about our early life in Malaysia. We have, we went on a book tour last year. And due to issues beyond our control, that we have so many of these fucking things. They're all right. I think they're quite nice. I think they're ever so nice. But for the audio purposes, thank you so much for listening.

Please do follow us at Nobody PanicPot. And if you have any future episode suggestions, Nobody Panicpodcast at gmail.com. Soho, thank you so much.