Nobody Panic - How to Write a Letter of Complaint with Jonny Sweet

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

What is an ombudsman? Is “Very Best” a normal sign off? Plus other questions, concerns and musings on how to write the perfect complaint letter/email/tripadvisor review with brilliant special guest Jonny Sweet. Go watch his hot new film Wicked Little Letters (out Feb 23) and also watch/read his hot new book The Kellerby Code (out March 19). Subscribe to the Nobody Panic Patreon at patreon.com/nobodypanicWant to support Nobody Panic? You can make a one-off donation at https://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanicRecorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The date is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace. It's coming to London. True on Saturday the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September at King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Dear the Great British Public, I'm very unhappy to say, I can't write a letter of complaint. Welcome to Nobody Panic. I'm Stevie. Tessa is over there. Hello. We are doing how to write a letter of complaint, but we're not alone in that, actually, because we have lovely guest Johnny Sweet.

Hello, Johnny. Is it for Jonathan? It is, actually. Is it? And what sweet short for? That's just, as it is. Not Sweetington. Sweeten. Right. We've got Johnny Sweeten. Right. We've got Johnny Sweetin, for God's sake.

Really angry. Because he fancied it. He fancied it. But also because you've got an incredible film out, this Friday. Yes, I believe. Wicked Little Letters with Olivia Coleman. You wrote it. I did actually. Did you? I did. That's so nice. How do you feel? I feel scared.

Do you? No, I feel good. I feel good. You actually feel good. I feel a mixture. of scared and good most of the time. When you think of what you're scared about happening, what's the image that comes to mind? Me in an empty cinema sort of wishing everything was better. Just that was the image.

Are people like rioting outside? Yeah, really sad about it. Yeah, really set the pelons film. There's stuff going on in Parliament. I'm in trouble. It's become a global crisis. It has to do with the film. Okay, so.

Something comes up in it that the Prime Minister has to get involved. I guess so, yeah. UN's on the line. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's bad. It's natural fears.

Yeah. Terrible. And that too. Yeah. Yes. Okay. We're thrilled to have you. We're very excited.

Johnny is an incredible writer, performer. Comedian. Would you even, would you describe that? It's a very good question. Would you still? Someone asked me that in another interview and I was such a long pause that they just had to crack on. I don't think, I feel like I'm a comedian at heart.

And I love comedians. And I sort of, but I don't really want to do comedy life. No. I totally understand. I think you never have to. You shouldn't. Among the comedy community, you will always be

maybe everyone's favourite comedian. Johnny did some amazing shows, the Edinburgh Fringe, when me and Tessa were like sort of students and you were obviously did you at House of Windsor with Simon Bird

and Joe Thomas and I remember going to see it and being like, The whole rock stars of comedy! It was wild. It's good to relive those days. Yes, I do often. And then also

you basically like seamlessly transitioned into doing loads of really cool TV stuff. You're in that Boris Johnson thing. You played like young David Cameron. You're in Tom Bazden's stuff. And it was all just like, oh my God, that's what comedy can be.

And you basically not stopped writing stuff, working on stuff, doing things very impressive since then, but you haven't done live comedy. But I still literally see you as like a live comedian. That's one of the nicest things anyone have said to me. That's wonderful. No, I feel on that too.

I love comedy and I love live comedy But I basically sort of It was such a nightmare to do And I would spend a year being like I don't know Johnny You've got absolutely nothing I'd sit in the British Library And I'd sort of go

I guess it's about a ship Isn't it? I don't know And it was And it was about a ship So I and I felt Yeah I felt like I wanted to

stress out about something I understood better Yes But also everything you've done It's comedy writing It's always comedy Yeah totally Wicked Little Letters

is not like a serious drama. It certainly isn't. The trailer looks very funny. It's silly. And it's based on a true story. And may I ask what the origin of the inspiration for this story was? And what inspired you to write a whole film? Yeah. So basically, all

I can say is I was reading some history books. Okay. And I stumbled across it. So I Yeah, it's just a mad story. I mean, that was what I liked about. Because I come from comedy, but I was looking for something that could be a story with sort of a bit of heft to it and maybe some darkness and to make a film that could

be sort of dramatic and exciting but funny, but a comedy. Has history and period stuff always appealed to you? Yeah, a bit, yeah. But also I think with film, it's easier, I found it easier to kind of get my head round making a film out of that for some reason, out of stuff that I knew was already exciting. So this, I found a story, it's just a mad story about. a woman who was sending these anonymous, abusive, obscene, but like really badly executed obscene letters to this other woman. And the letters were just funny.

They're just someone trying to be vicious and swearing, but they're like a child doing it. And so I thought there was something kind of funny and interesting about that character. And it's just a bonkers story. It's a real caper. Is it bizarre seeing like Olivia Coleman doing it? It is. Yeah. But you didn't put yourself in this one? I actually dropped some fairly major hints throughout the creative process.

And then, but a lot of the people who were coming in were sort of, I just have to go, no, you are better. And then I did get a cameo. I've got a brief cameo, which I'm actually really pleased about. Do we know it's your, you're just like in the big crowd shot, where you're just in the crowd shot. way it's my face it's no it's in the script it was about four lines in the film it's two actually

God, okay but that's not nothing one of my notes on one of the edits was I do think those lines were quite good pop those back in and they said they honestly said no I was like well you're stuck in your guns well it looks it looks amazing

it looks so fun it's so nice to have a film come out that it just seems like a really fun romp you know just like what a nice little A couple of bit of jeopardy, bit of darkness, exploring. Some crying, some crying, but explore the human spirit, ultimately, a good old-fashioned adventure. That is what I'd like it to be, yeah. It's quite weird because the story itself is, it's insane, A, but also it's really dark.

I mean, it's much, it's really dark, the original story. And so I was trying to kind of balance that. And it's quite weird. At the premiere, I was actually watching it going, woof, it does get a bit, a bit dark in time, and I was almost wondering, could have kept a bit lighter there, maybe. But it was, but that was the truth of this. I mean, the story is like that, so that's the balance. Yeah, it sounds amazing.

And it comes out this Friday. This Friday. Go to the cinema now. Run there now. Sprint. And then, yeah. Let's do but again. And then if they're not showing it. Wow.

No. Write a letter of complaint. No. Oh, yes. Very good. That's so good. But also, no. No, mine was going to be, watch it.

Be like, wow, I love that. I wonder if I can see or read any more of the writer's work. Oh, the novel. Oh, the novel. And then, but one month. But weeks later, your novel comes out on the 19th March. And it's called Kelsey's Big Day. Yes.

The Kelleby Code. The Kelleby Code. Can I say that you bluffed, with the date, you went nth, teens. Yes. That was clever. Because it sounded like you knew. Tess is amazing. In teet.

Tess is how I've got myself this for. I don't know if you saw Kelsey's Big Day come out of me. I was trying to guide the listener. away from that. In case they are looking and they're like, yes, it's a big day. It's not more than the name of the novel.

Sorry. The Calibode. Can we have a little bit on what Kelb, the Kelb. And then the Kelby Code is and then we'll do the episode. I would like,

I can't wait. We need to do the, yes, Kelleby Code in brief. In a way, it's Patricia Highsmith meets a sort of PG Woodhouse. It's about,

it's a sort of, who are they? Done. They are. What do they do? So imagine, so, you know Jeeves and Worcester. Yes.

It's a bit like imagine if Jeeves had class rage. It's about like someone's slowly had enough. He's not an actual butler, but he slowly finds his friends taking advantage of him too much and slowly a rage develops. Great. I love books about class rage. Bit of fun.

A bit of fun. Serious? No, it's also a comedy. Is Olivia Coleman in it? Yeah. She's in it. Great. Okay, that's good.

She's the best bit. Fine. Yeah. I can't wait. Yeah, she did all the fonts. She's very good at that She's so good at that I'm trying to watch

Can't wait to read I'm going to watch while reading Yeah I'm reading with a big light on Head to like that works And then people will complain Yes And then they will have to be guided

They'll listen to this podcast episode Of how to do that Have you ever? Have you ever? Complained? Yes Yeah I think I'm I've got quite a lot

Under my belt actually In actual letters E-mails Popper like What's is Pissed off of Milton Keynes or whatever that phrase is Oh yeah

disgruntled of Tumbridge Wells. Yes, that's the one. I have certainly done, yeah, I've done emails. I've probably never posted. Who, what were talking? Who have you emailed? Actually, recently, over Christmas, I hired a car and three weeks afterwards they tried to charge me £300 to clean it.

Oh. And... You chastening it, of course. Yeah, but by the way, I had done some really dark stuff. Yeah. Very bleak. Some really, yeah. It was fun for me, but I wouldn't have liked to clear it up.

No. No, it was, there was nothing in there. There was nothing to clean really. Right. So I said, well, I did my email. That's great. Yeah. Did it work? It did.

Great. It did work. And it was fair. It was fair-minded. That's what we want here. I've never done one. I've definitely had a fight. I've definitely been in a few fights.

Not relevant to this, but yes. Got my time and do you have another attention. Okay. Well, actually, you wrote one the other, you wrote one last time we were recording. You wrote a, I let him an email to your neighborhood. I don't know what it is. To your neighbourhood.

It says it owns a flat and I don't understand it because I rent. It was like a to your building and they'd been like, you put a mirror outside and you'd be like, dear everybody, I actually have not. Well, I would say, again, I would put that in the classification of fight. Like they'd brought it to my door. There had been a jacquesqueuse to everybody in the block of flats that somebody had put a full-length mirror outside. I know who it was. It wasn't me.

but I do put things just on the wall all the time. So I know when the group email came, I knew that everybody thought it was me. And so I wanted to both get out. I was like, wasn't me, but I have done it in the past and I'll stick to free cycle in the future just to cover my back.

It was very well done. Thank you so much. I arrived sort of in a rage blackout and had to like get to see if I had to like cross-reference check my two-line emails so many times over. It was just fuck you, you fucking piece of shit. So I definitely when people or like I would definitely,

I definitely had a, you know, but I don't. know if I've ever gone full um I no one's asked me no one's brought anything to my door and I've gone out of my way to complain you know like yeah have you ever you know full like bad restaurant experience and then be like I'm I must tell you about this you know I'm I've you've had a bad experience and then you've got homework that's what I think about what it is what it is isn't it if like you really have to be like and what do you want out of this now that you've complained if it's a money thing like the 300 pounds then I can see clear aim

But I still would be like, I'll just take it. Yeah. So I'm being fucked by the man again. Like, that's my, which I think is really, I think we need to be, we need to start up more to little things. Yeah, I agree. And it's such a fine line there because wicked little letters style. In my village at home, the pub had unfortunately been owned and beloved by a French guy for many years and then he left.

You know, it was so nice in just a little tiny village to have this like amazing French chef. Like, what an incredible thing to have. in the pub. The rumour was that Kylie Minot once came in, but no one, and he said, I don't have any tables, but no one believes him. Right. So, anyway, then he was so there for many years, very beloved center point at the village and then had to move on, went out, went and then the pub changed hands a few times.

New people owned the pub. And there had been a lot of things, you know, but also tricky to take over a beloved pub and hope that people were going to, you know. I see, new menu not up to scratch to Frenchmen. bad selection of stuff, bad lighting, they took away the nice fireplace. They did a lot of stuff. People were like, a lot of oh. You know, all the wall stuff got replaced with quite like, you know, art from a sort of premiere in.

You're like, huh, oh, okay. So it was objectively, things had taken a turn. However, an anonymous letter comes through the letter box. This is great. Typed so the handwriting can't be traced. Of course. Unsigned. Of course, so the place would be all over there.

All over it. And it was a list of, it was really, it's outrageous. And it was really like, we really want you to succeed, but these are the things you need to change. It was so rude, so passive aggressive. And I really don't think that the author of the letter ever thought, they really thought they were just standing in an anonymous letter. But the couple who owned it took a photo of it, obviously, put it on the village Facebook group. The village went berserk. Absolutely berserk.

Because they got things were being like cross-referenced. with like spelling errors that like this person had spelled this incorrectly and then a trip advisor review was found from a different, completely different thing but that was traced back to someone and the spelling error was the, people weren't like FBI cold case on the thing. And we do, we do have our suspicions on who wrote the letter and it's never been raised but everybody does know. Should you name this person now? I should not name them now. For legal reasons, I should not. The case is ongoing. The case is ongoing and I legally must say a number of suspects. are under...

Did they change? Did they change? But the thing is, nothing was changed. Oh, right. They became upset. The village turned on each other in a... Right. You know, so in a way, don't write a complaint.

My mind, the thing was to be like, it's a tough thing to do. It is. And especially if they're anonymous and especially if you just think that you're sort of getting all your complaints out of your system, you're like, to what end? Like, where is this? Because it's like, they charge you 300 pounds. No, thank you very much. I'm going to complain.

Now we're, and I got my money and we won something. Whereas this is like, what did we achieve here? What did we, you know? Did you agree with the notes, sir? Alas, yes, but not the manner in which they were presented. And this is this tricky thing about... That's the knob. That's the knob.

There's the rub. It's the rub. There's the rub. There's the knob. I there's the knob. That's from Othello, I think. Yeah, I think so, yeah. But my dad is a...

He writes complaint letters constantly emails. And he uses them, I think, to process his anger at the incompetence of the world now. Right. So it's very important for him to... to do it. But he does, what's the word, recognize that because it's this therapeutic thing, he must write out the rage, then leave it 24 hours, he almost does, then go back and then be like,

no, holy shit. And then he kind of makes it a more palatable thing, which is really good. I think it's because he wasn't really getting anywhere for quite a long time because he was just so full of vitriol that it was like, well, that's not, you're not going to do anything. So, yeah. Do people reply? Yes, often not. So like, it'll be like British Airways and they'll give him like a voucher for another British Airways flight. It's like £15. And he'll be like, Jesus Christ.

But it's just, he got what he wanted through this depressing scent, I think. Get it all out. Have your like dog shit first draft. Yeah. And then we're going to workshop it. Possibly show your wife. Yeah. Who goes, Roy, no. Regardless of my name's Roy or not. That's the reaction you're looking for.

And then you can maybe like, yeah, just show someone like you showed me the thing. And then I can be like, oh, pull back on that. Oh, that's perfect. Yeah. Because there's the therapy and then there's the art form. Yes. I think it's the, what do I need from this and what do I need them to give me? Yes.

Like what do I, what's in this exchange? And if you attack, then they defend. And you need to, my technique has always been really nice to the intermediary. I'm always saying, I know it's not. I know it's not your fault. I know it's not your fault. It's such a great thing to even open with. Yeah, yeah.

And I really like you. Hello. Everyone you meet. Everyone you meet. And it's not your fault. But like that's such a good, yeah, because it was never, unless you, unless you are actually specifically speaking to the person who did something. Yeah.

But yeah, because it isn't their fault. And then that does show you to be a reasonable person. Yes, exactly. You trick them into thinking you're reasonable. And actually. But rarely you are dealing with somebody whose direct fault it is, whoever you're dealing with in customer service at British Airways for Roy, you know, they didn't fly the plane and or.

And that's what he was complained about. This plane was flued. So poorly. Flee, awfully. But they didn't serve you the bad drinks or give you the broken seat or break the seat So really the person That is so much of modern life

Is you know being asked to make up for something That you're like, I didn't do it And yet and yet So I think the leading with Not Your Fault, totally understand And yet these are my list of grievances And do you think it's important To allow how I would like them resolve

To be added to the list of grievances Definitely Yes please so we're going with your aim very high Aim very high. I wanted the car back for me to have. Give me the car. This would be resolved by you giving me the vehicle. Yeah, drive it to me.

And did you fully write out? Like, I would like this X, Y, Z or did you? I think I said, I won't be paying this. That's great. Because it wasn't too rude, but it showed that, God, this guy's got some husband. Yeah, he's not fucking around. I'm not going to mess with this guy.

He's not going to pay it. And he's true to his word, I presume. Yeah. I have also in the past, have you ever lent on words like ombudsman? I don't want to appear sick ever, but I don't confidently know what an ombudsman is. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Right.

It doesn't matter. But what if then they go, great. And could you tell me what do you mean by ombudsman? They're too scared to look stupid. Because they don't know what it is either. But also, just so I know, what is it? Is it just banks or is it? Ombersman is a word for banks.

It's just, wait, we're having a private, we privately discuss the bank before we present. Speak amongst yourselves and then present to the... I don't think it is just for banks. I think there's an ombudsman for various sectors of, but I might be wrong about this. Yeah, okay.

And they're a kind of person stroke, obviously institution. Yeah. Who potentially oversee and regulate quality of those things within its purview. Yeah. We believe. And it's purview. Am I attractive, by the way?

Is this cool? Is this here? That's what I was thinking. I was like, sorry, I have to leave the room for a moment? A cold shower. Did you say, is this hip? Is this hip? Do you dig that?

Am I attracted? So, again, it's quality control. It's a, but not just quality control because they are unrented. So, Mike, Nat West would have an ombuds. They are unrelated to Nat West. So they've got no skin in the game. They are not protecting Nat West. They are a truly unbiased Galactic Council level.

How do you become an ombudsman? Do you like, well, that's thing are not a lot of. I don't know. Are you joking? You're born an ombudsman. No, stop it. You're chosen to be... It has to be...

It has to be... It is a bit... You know, it's a bit... Is it? It's definitely designed to be that impartial, that untouchable, that... So, like, that you can't be crooked, you can't be working for somebody. If the ombudsman gets involved, things are serious and that the rights of the person will be protected. I've heard the words so many times I just kind of nod and kind of get the context.

I clearly don't, but I thought I was getting the... And so did you threaten with ombudsman at the car company as well? How did you... How did you phrase that if you did? I don't know if I used it on the, yeah, I would just say, you know, something like, and if this matter is not dealt with satisfactory, I have to involve the ombudsman. Involve. Or contact the ombudsman.

Yeah. To say involve implies a certain familiarity and almost like social connection with the ombudsman. Yeah. It's like I'll have to get the ombudsman over. Yeah. I'll have to ring up. I'll get the ombudsman over. Yeah.

I'll tell the... Yeah, sorry, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll get the ombudsman back from his holiday to deal with this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've used the phrase, or if this is not resolved, I will be seeking legal counsel.

That's very good. Oh, God. Which, like, wasn't like, I've got a lawyer, which felt made up. You got your bracket, ombudsman? No, no, no. Which may or may not mean, ombsman.

Yeah, but we both know what I mean. Yeah, it was the implication that I'm not fucking about. Yes. And the implication is enough to be like, okay. She's not going to pay it. She's seeking legal counsel. Ombudsman, question mark.

Because I think there are tears and they sort of, not like sobbing tears. Tears of an ombudsman. The tears of an ombudsman is my next novel. It would be great to get under the skin of an ombudsman in literature. But no, I think they sort of, their initial thing is no. They have to, you know, they've got their kind of steps. So they go, no. and then if you say, can I talk to your manager, then they'll do that.

And then I imagine Ombudsman is sort of red lights flashing. Oh, it's high. It's high. And then it's the point where they're like, oh, they've used the keyword. Just give them. It's not worth this. Just give them whatever they want. Yeah.

Because so many customer service situations rely on being like boring, generic email. People are like, and then that's going to get rid of the first wave of people who are like, fuck it. I don't have the time to fight about this. Yes. Write that money off. Who cares? And then the second wave of people may be like, okay, we're going to give you 15 pounds.

And then the other people would be like, all right, yeah, fine, I'll have it, have the car. And then a third wave are like, I'm unemployed, I've got nothing on my plate. This is, I'm possessed by rage. This is all I'm doing all day, every day. I will be getting this back as a matter of principle. Yeah. At that point, they're like, fuck it. You win.

Have it. Yeah. I feel the construction of a complaint letter, if I ask what he's never written on, should be sort of similar to like, basically, I've seen some of my chance. flight landed and they're too long game. It's like a short story and

with a lot of emotion and ultimately sorry Dad if you're listening I think Dad's trying to move the person

reading it to emotion and you're never going to because they will sit there all day just getting these same things so you want to get to the point

immediately you're talking a paragraph I think of four five lines do you agree? Is this acceptable? No, no, I think that's absolutely right. Okay. I think you want to go, this is the injustice. Here's what I'm going to do. Yeah. And here's what you're going to do. And I'm taking this really seriously. Yeah, no, it's good. I suddenly went into quite a sort of intense, because you do when you're completely.

I think you need to go exactly there. And yours. Yours. Is it? Yeah. It's not, it's not VB. It's not. VB. B.B. Is that what you put? I've never seen anybody. I said yes. And then I thought, V-B, he means very best. I've never seen anyone sign off very best ever. Really?

No. I've started to try it. What do you do? Thanks, explosion mark. Yeah, that's good. Sometimes she puts S-X. And then it typos to sex. She writes, thanks, sex.

Well, that's astonishing. Sorry, I'm very best. I was just thinking one that I think if I'd go for that best. But even in an email, the transition from letters to emails to me, sort of for me renders the size. enough pointless now. Yes, yeah, yeah. I just go...

No, you can't just end with nothing. I end with S, of course. O-I-S. I would go all the best, or thank you in advance. Thank you in advance is punchy. That's good. Maybe I should stop going, thanks. In anticipation, yours.

In anticipation, when you're like... When you do that, when you do write periods, sorry, when before you were like... Just before you're like, is this attractive? It wasn't before. But that finally was. In anticipation, yours. What do you mean by that?

Yeah, that is hip, actually. There's a bit of pepper to that, isn't it? That's doing it. It's a spice to meatball. Woo! No, it's... It still feels quite old-fashioned, but I think if you're doing the complaint... I think it is old-fashioned.

It is to be like, we must be using... We're using on the smith. We're using these serious words. They don't know your age as well. If they saw me, they wouldn't respect me. Yes, you've got... You're aiming for like 50-year-old man. Yeah, who's like, who's not...

Recently retired. ...recently retired from being a lawyer. Yes, exactly. We want a recently retired lawyer and they're like, oh, don't mess with this. Like, he knows. Yours in anticipation. And fuck, that's a lawyer.

Because it has become quite confused. Because obviously you've got complaint letters now in different format. So obviously it used to be just letters. Then possibly telegrams. Then you've got like the email and now the telegrams and letters are falling off. But you knew it was just email. Then it was like via Twitter or something. People now still do that and you're a bit like, no, don't.

I mean, I did that actually literally last week. But fine. Oh, I did that last week. Sidebar. They sent my parents a scam visa link. And my parents could not go to Australia to visit my sister. And it cost them loads of money. So my sister was like kicking off.

Then I also kicked off. And then Katar responded with a quite clearly AI response. Because it had like loads of mistakes in it. And then I was like, and it's an AI bot. This is, we're living in hell. And then someone put it through a bot program and was like, no, this is 100% because of 100% human. And then she ended up going, it was me.

English was not my first language. I'm racist. So that was... Because the boss don't make errors. The bots don't make errors. This is the thing, because they're too good now. Anyway, so I'm very hot thinking about that. That's actually probably proves my point.

Illustrates my point best of our saying. That is so perfectly, don't bring the rage to the table. Don't be in 24 hours. They need to step away. But also now, be careful. Now you have to think what's the best medium with which to give your complaint. Not on Twitter, for example. But also, you know, things like, yeah, you mentioned like TripAdvisor or like Google reviews

and things like that, you see those and you're like, but that's public. And your actual name is often and your picture, which for me is a picture of Piz Brosnan, but that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, should they? Oh, give it an extra heft, do you? Although he's too far away, so it just looks like a man on a beach.

I thought it was you for years. Yeah. I thought it was you in a suit. And I was like, really far away. And there she goes. Oh, I don't know. But like it's, so I never do it via that because I feel like that's too mean

because you're affecting their business. you know, but shouldn't you affect their business? If you feel you've been affronted and there's been an injustice and I think it's... Yeah. It's hard if it's a small business and you feel like it's going to affect their life in a big way. Like Wagamama. Yeah, if it's Wackamama, you know, think about their kids. Think about whackamamlets.

I think we talked about... I think when we've talked about... Sorry? Sorry, carry on. What did you say? What did you with friend of your breath? I think I forgot that this was a podcast and I started to utter things to myself. What was it?

It sounded like gills. So what was it? It wasn't, believe it or not, wasn't gills. It's amazing that you've, you've, over sort of 50 minutes, you've thought I'm the sort of person that might say gills to myself. It's like, absolutely terrible. I will revere what I said to myself now. I said, I said, guilt.

Guilt. Because I thought you were going to say, yeah, sometimes, the problem. with those complaint letters, there is a bit of guilt. There is a huge amount of guilt. A bit of sort of poor poor you, not with a corporation, but you're so right and you're completely right to you, but sometimes what happens to me is I start a sentence completely lose interest, start another one.

And you were helping out, being like, guilt, is that where you're heading? Maybe that's what I was doing. I was like, we're moving on, Gil, boy, we haven't done for this. I would like, as a bracket, say, I totally agree, two months ago, went to Rose's tie, which has now become franchised, used to be small, independent. Now, it's like,

So franchise that they have to put the calories on the menu. It's that big. That means that, I don't know, 50,000 people work with them, whatever. And it was the worst experience of our life arrived. We sat down. There was no one else in. There was one guy who was cooking the food and also our waiter. Oh, no.

And then, so I went into the kitchen and got tap water because I'd asked him three times and they felt bad. And then he came out and was like, are you eating? And I was like, yes. And then I ordered something that he was like, is that it? And I was like, yes. And then he left, and then it took ages. It came out.

And then when it came out, I literally started eating. And it came out and went, would you put a review? And I was like, this is my name on a card. And I was like, no. And he went, you have to. And I said, okay. And then he stood and watched me while I voted the review. And then when he left, I deleted it and didn't send it.

But I wanted to write a bad review. Because it was like, you can't conduct your business like that. That's how they get you. That's exactly it. It's intimidating. That's weird to stand over. He couldn't have been less of an intimidating person. He looked like he was going to cry.

Oh, well, that's... Oh, well, that's the nerve. And it ruined my day. I bet. I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's like, I wanted to put the bad review to save him. Yeah. I'm having to do that.

But the guilt of then he might lose his job, because he, that's why he was clearly worried about. Like, it was like shaking. Anyway, I think this entire system has now got out of control. You know? I think it's... Yeah. It's very difficult.

Gills. Gills. Gills. And the problem is the gills. I've got another thing to say. Oh, please. And I will say it. I'm going to say.

Now. And I'm going to reveal that now. I was just thinking that in the part we talked about leaving a job and we've talked about going through a breakup. And I think that obviously not the same, but they have a key point at the heart of it, which is you have to be like, what do I actually, want from this interaction. So, like, you know, a friend of mine breaking up with somebody was like, I needed him to know this,

this, this and this, and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, do you actually, or do you just need to seamlessly and as cleanly as possible get out of this relationship? Yes. Because those are two different things. And maybe you do need them to know how wrong do you have been. Yes. But also, do you just need to leave?

And being like, okay, let's separate. And also, if you're leaving a job, do you need to be like, and also the job did this and blah, blah, blah. Be like, does that, is that helpful? Or do you actually just need to leave the job? Yeah, and talk to someone else about it. And talk something else about it. Or if the workplace is extremely toxic and bad and you think it would be helpful,

then this is the right time to say these things. And so I think it's about being like, what do I actually want from this? The other day, I ordered a Deliveroo. And I ordered a Coca-Cola in a glass bottle, which is my favorite treat. And I was very hungover, and I was so excited about my Coca-Cola. And when it arrived, no, no Coca-Cola. But then you put on Deliveroo, there was a problem with my order. And they said, what's the problem?

and I said, no Coca-Cola. And they said, please send a picture of the issue. So I sent a picture of my empty hand. There's no... There's no Coca-Cola in my hand. Anyway, they just kept me like, send a picture of the problem. I was like, I can't because the problem is not here. And then they were like, no, no.

Yeah, they just don't do anything. And then I was like... And it caused me £2.50. And I was like, in the end of the day, not a big deal. But I was like, I'm actually feeling quite affronted. I didn't actually need the £2.50. Lovely to have it. But what I needed was them to acknowledge that this was...

was in principle, not fair. It paid for something. It didn't come. I mean, when you asked me to prove it, I couldn't prove it because it's not here. So I did have quite a lengthy fight with them. And ultimately, they did return my two-time. Did they send you one, delivery you one Coca-Cola bottle?

I would have liked that. They should have done that. That would have resolved it for me. But I think it's one of those things of being like, what do I actually, and in that case, I did actually need, I had a lot of a rage that needed to go somewhere and it needed to be. You needed the principle of the thing. I need the principle of the thing.

But I think it's been like. Like that delivery thing. That's happened to me before when they just, me and my partner were like ordering sushi and his just didn't arrive. And they were like, okay, well, yeah, we can't really do anything about that. And they gave us everything. It's like, but he doesn't have any dinner. Like, now I have to, you don't, it's going to take an hour now. And like, obviously, I didn't say that.

But it was like, it's, you just feel so like, oh, well, we're a big, huge concomberate and your sushi doesn't matter. And sometimes you want to feel like your sushi matters. Yeah. Absolutely. And they should say, sorry. You just want, yeah. You just want, yeah, you just want. You just want justice.

You want someone to look. I can't acknowledge, be like, sorry, pal, I suppose being like, shrug. Yeah. Yeah. And also deliver me some sushi. And let's deliver me. Yeah. Let's say.

So that's also why maybe there'll be a lot of like need to rage, but that's why you must pull back. And remember that the person receiving the rage is not the person that didn't deliver you the sushi. Keep the emotion out of it. Yes. Who are you fighting? What do you wish to achieve?

Yeah. What's this for? Yeah. VB. VB. VB. Johnny. Johnny.

Johnny. Always sign off Johnny. He always sign off Johnny. It's a complaint. It's a complainy society. That's the other issue. You're treated badly, but people also have a kind of, people are getting quite good at, are used to complaining. Yeah. And sort of throwing it around a bit. So you do have to be polite.

Pick your battles. Pick your battles. There's a very funny Baroness von Scho sketch on the internet. They are, believe they are Australian. She goes into this cheese shop and she says, you gave me the wrong cheese in this big department store. And the lady's like, oh, my bad, here you go. And like, give us her another cheese. and then she's like, huh.

And then the cheese lady is like, did you want to have a fight? And she was like, yeah, a bit. And she was like, okay. How do I even know that cheese is from this shop? And then she's like, well, I don't have the receipt, but it has the sticker clearly on it. And then they have a bit of a fight for a while.

And then she's like, okay, fine, have a cheese. And then she takes it. And she's like, fine, a justice has been righted. And then they sort of like wink at each other and she leaves. And you're like, sometimes a person just does want to have a little bit of a fight, you know? Totally. Yeah. And so I guess, like, you know, Roy wishes to simply be having this, you know, he's got some computer.

I saw the opening of one of his complaint letters and it was like, last month, me and my wife suffered an injustice of which we have never experienced before. It all began. And it all began was like, I see your problem immediately. Just say, this happened, this happened, this and bullet point it. Bullet point it. So they go, oh, I'm just going to scan it. We're just going to scan it.

They can't scan through your like, the sun was rising. on Gatwick nut. Like no one's going to, you know, it's beautiful. So you should write books, maybe, Roy. Put your energy somewhere else, Roy. Yeah, yeah. Stop drumming, Roy and write novels, Roy, but there's a lot of that. I do remember a story, Sarah Solomani.

She went to try out to be a waitress, but the tryout was two weeks long. And so she was just a waitress for two weeks. And then they said, no, you didn't get the job, not paying you. So her dad was really furious. And this is his version of the complaint. he went to the restaurants and ordered himself a massive meal and had starters,

a couple of mains, dessert, champagne, at the end of the meal, said, I shan't be paying. And they said, well, what you're talking about?

I said, well, because you employed my daughter and you never paid her, so I'm not going to pay you. And they said, I don't know what you're talking about. Which restaurant was there?

He says, it's zizzies. Zizzies. He said, well, yeah, that's next door. So go there. So, yeah, it's fantastic.

So that was a, bad version of the complaint. Sorry, he went to the wrong restaurant. And they're always, and he paid. They're always next like Prezo, aren't they? And they're the same. The same sort of thing. Prezo and Zizi? Yeah. They probably have intervening doors. Also, the fact that it's a big chain anyway is just like, that's what are you doing? That's electric. Because the whole meal, he's just like, absolutely. Giggling turns out. Getting lashed. Getting lashed. Being like, more lobster, mate. Yeah, fucking bring it in. It's on, it's your fucking lobster.

Yeah. It's a bit weird that he's ordering. four lobsters and giggling to himself. Yeah. He's unhinged. And then getting there and being like, hmm, it's nothing worse than coming out to bat and then being told that actually you have the wrong information.

And you're not holding the bats next door. Yeah, and the back's next door. Yeah. Oh, God. I think that's a great one to bring us home. Did he attempt to go next door and do it again? Too full, I imagine.

Too drunk as well. I don't have drunk in the next day. Thank you so much, Johnny. That was great. It was really joyful and fun and I cannot wait to watch this film. Is it out in all, like, Why, is that what we're saying?

I think so. I hope so. Yeah, fingers crossed, actually. And get out there, support your local cinema or your big boys. Yeah. Whatever you fancy. See it in the pictures, though, you know? Let's make more cinema.

Get to the big boys. Get to the big boys. That's what Tom Cruise says, isn't it? Get to the big boys. Get to the big boys. He's got the tattoo. He's got a tattoo. See you with the big boys.

Amazing. Get to the pictures. I can't wait to watch it. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. VB. That's my title. and anticipation. I'll seek legal counsel.

Fuck. Goodbye. Bye.