Nobody Panic - Still Panicking: How to Fly Long-Haul

Episode Date: July 25, 2025

Still Panicking: The summer holidays are finally here! To help you make the most of it, this week we look back at some of Stevie and Tessa's hottest holiday tips.Tessa helps Stevie (and you) cope with an upcoming 27 hour flight. As ever, Tessa's tips feature light criminal activity and heavy role play (spoiler: pretend you're in business class and serve yourself snacks).Recorded by Naomi Parnell and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true, Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. cruising at 35 miles an hour. That's right. We're going down.

That's too slow. Didn't say I was on a plane though, did I? Oh, I could have made a good joke about your captain of the car and you're at the right speed. Wow, this is an emotional roller coaster. There's so much going on here. There is so much going on. Hello, I'm Stevie, and my good co-pilot, Tessa, is here. Doors to Manual, cross-check.

Okay. Yeah, that was good, wasn't it? That was good. Put it on auto. Taxing, Doors to Manual 7 by 7 This is of course our episode How to Fly a plane

How to Fly a plane I wouldn't even know where to begin I wouldn't know how to get into the cockpit I wouldn't know how to get into the cockpit genuinely Right Welcome to this episode

How to Fly a plane It's actually how to fly long haul How to Fly Long Hall Because I'm doing it And Tess has just done it So it felt like an apt episode It felt apt It's also just if you're thinking

of going on a plane Sure Sure Short haul Short haul, that's the thing. It feels different. This is why I wanted to do this episode. It does hit different.

It'd be like that sometimes. So I'm going to Australia and that's a long old flight. And I feel like in my head, I'm like, I don't know how I'm going to do that because I've only really done short haul for the last of decade. So in my head I'm on a Ryanair flight for like 17 hours. Okay. Which I know is not what it's like. and everybody seems to have their own kind of ways of getting through psychologically the hours that are sort of rolling ahead of you like the grim father time of death

I just can't hear, and I'm going to say right at the top. Absolutely. I can't hear a lot of films. I know that. And that's what they'll say. What's your main concern about the long haul? is that, so I'm going, I think it's like six hours or something, to Doha, which is fine, because I think that's the long, I think I've, the longest I've done is like maybe seven hours.

Okay. And it's probably somewhere in America. I can't remember where. But that was a long time ago. And I think that I'm going to get to Doha and be like, okay, and now the next one's, what, 14 hours? And I'm just not going to get on the plane. There's only so many films I can watch, and it's not going to distract from the fact that I'm, I'm going to be claustrophobic. I'm going to be bored.

I think I fear the boredom more than anything. And that feeling that tipped over into like, I have to go off and I can't. Okay. It's too long. So, yeah. There's my fears. Mm. Mm. Okay.

Okay. I'm just going to make a note. Are you just going to delete all of your tips? Because they're all, watch films. Watch some films. They were all films. They were all films. They were all.

But I just been in the boredom, okay. And I'm on a plane. Can I get off the plane? I'm being a big baby, but that's like. They're very legit. They're very, it's real. And I, so I've just returned from Japan. Okay.

Culture. Yeah. And I, on the plane, I was thinking, gosh, this is long. It was particularly long. It was 14 hours. It was particularly long because you can no longer fly through Russia. You've got to go around it. Gosh.

And I think they had not updated their meal plan service since it was a nine hour flight. So they sort of fed you, you got on, they fed you, then they just shut the lights off. We're like, go to sleep now. But it was like 10 a.m. So this is a nightmare for it. And then they fed us about an hour, maybe two hours before landing. But that's a, that's 10 old hours in the middle there of absolutely nothing. And me being like, where will the bits?

Will the bits come round? There was no bits. You could forage for bits. I didn't buy forage for bits. Do you mean buy things? No, no, no. You can. Is it not like a little, like, you can buy things on an easy day.

You can buy a vegan lasagna at any point. Absolutely. And that's easy jeep. On a long haul transatlantic, you can't buy extra food on the plane. I'm actually going to have a heart attack. Okay. Not to panic. Nobody panic.

The amount of times I do say you not to panic on this. It's meant to be better that you were just given food when they decide. That's right. Okay. Okay, but we're going to get into it. We're going to do the adult thing first, do we not. Yeah, we are. Mine's on brand because...

I'm going to explain what it is in case no one's heard the podcast before. It's where we just say what the most grown-up thing we've done this week is and to make ourselves feel better about life. Yes, maybe you're joining us because you're so panicked about your long haul, flight, you just searched it, and here we've popped up. And you think initially, what's this dynamic between the two of them? Are they related? It feels mad. And it won't improve. But you will have a good time, I think. Maybe. So stick with us, much like your long haul flight. Oh, God, Dick is you can't, you can't get off. If you are already on the plane, you won't enjoy

this. Okay. Oh, because it's about prep. A lot of it is prep work. This is my adult thing. I saw it the moment you came in. That implies. that you were wearing the backpack that you've just brandished on your front, but you weren't. I saw it the second moment you came in. It's a backpack. It works. It's zips.

Yes, it does. It closes. It's a functioning backpack. Tess's a backpack for about two years. It's the Zip, is the ASMR fans? It's just not... Hello. That's something for the long haul.

That's a few minutes of this 14-hour flight dealt with. Zip and on zip. That's nice. The bag you had, I was going to describe. No, I will. when you first bought it it was like Tesa's entering a new face

and I think that's what you said actually, Tess is entering a new face almost certainly because you showed me the bag and it had many compartments It was a black, very chic with gold zips which I thought you don't get a lot of like gold

elements to the black You don't know, it's silver and it made it look very classy It was very classy Within a year one of the zips had broken and then by the end all the zips had broken

and everything was just hanging out of it and you tied it with strength, yeah. And that was a good sort of 12 months of your life. Oh, yeah. And so real relief and calmness came over me when I saw you with that. So this actually happened in the airport as I began my... She's still got the tag on it, everybody.

She's just turned it around. She's got the tag on it. Oh, yeah. She's not committed to whether she's going to keep it. But I bought this in the airport because my one, we got to the airport and it just disintegrated. Yes. And as if to be like... You're going to take that back back to Japan?

Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. I'm so stressed. The bag was like, let me die. Yeah, it was hard. You couldn't really take it to this recording studio. No.

What was I thinking? Anyway, I bought this boy and I feel fantastic. What's your adult thing? My adult thing is after a long and sort of checkered history with pattern tights, I'm wearing them now. These are the last I will ever buy. Okay.

I'm telling you right now, I've tried fish nets. I've tried the sort of like ones that are like sort of old Victorian lady ones, but cool girls wear them. I've got leopard print on at the moment. I've also done, I have done checkered, I've been striped, then horizontal stripes, oh, I was bad. I don't like them.

And when I look at my own legs, I'm like, oh, it just doesn't look like what I would imagine. And I don't know what I'm imagining. And it's just telling you right now, it's time for me to realize I'm black tights or nothing. Thank you. That's it. That's it. That's all I have to say. That's huge.

Thank you. Well done you. I've got so many patent tights in a bag on my bed, hanging off my bed. Why are they there? Every time I'm like, I see someone else wearing them quite coolly. Why they're in that bag on the end of the bed? Because I'm like, one day I'll wear them. I've separated them for my other tights because I kept pulling tights out and being like, oh God, not them. Sometimes what we dream of being is not who we are. That's so good.

I hope you're enjoying your long haul flight. Bing bong, bing bong. Bing bong. The captain was there you now. a manual. Go and see if you can see those buttons. That's something to take up some of the time. Also, I don't think the captain says the captain will see you now. No, maybe the airs duress came around and said it. Yeah, maybe they don't. Well done, actually. That's really brave. Really powerful. I'm very proud of you. So tell me about this long haul flight.

Okay. We're just going to start significantly before the journey. Okay. Not so significant that it's, because it's coming up for you in a couple of weeks. Yeah, two weeks. Fine. You know what we're going to start exactly two weeks before? It's like when I looked at what vaccinations I needed for us. And we're like, oh, Japanese encephalitis. It says you're not meant to take it. Like, you have to, but I think we will. It's like, eight months before start and have two.

I was like, okay, I've fucked it. Okay, great. Yeah. Well, skip head, we'll go, we'll go straight there. Okay. To entry bits I've written. Okay. To which I mean, vaccines.

Yeah. So have a little check, and you're doing it. You checked well in advance? No, I've checked and found out that I haven't done it well enough in advance. So you simply won't be? I'm unfortunately not able to do it. Yeah. thankfully it's not a requisite.

It's just for anxious people like myself. Not a requisite. No. Perfect. I'm actually okay. So just check wherever you're going. What are the entry requirements of the country? Do you need, because some places you need to prove a vaccine stamp for yellow fever, for example.

Yes. So now's the time to be checking and realizing it can't be done. Yes. That's the end. That's the end of that way. What other entry requirements are there for the country, including visa requirements? Oh yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah.

I've done that. Fantastic, Stevie. Guess who hadn't done that? it on their way to Canada. Oh, okay. Yeah. I don't want to talk about it. We won't.

We won't. But let me tell you, it was bad. So now's the time. And if you're thinking, yeah, yeah, I've been before. Check. Yeah, do check. Check now, please. Go and check now.

While we're checking, where's our passport? Oh, it's there. And let's look. It's out of date. Let's look inside. Oh, it's out of date. I'd now like you to tell the listeners my favorite story. Oh, I think I've said this before.

I want to hear it again. Okay. Some of them are on long haul flights. TV. That's so true. I realized that my passport was out of date and I was going on holiday in like a sort of two months time. I was like, oh shit. And I also didn't have any money at all. And I was really upset about it because I'd like scrimped and save this holiday. And I was like, oh my God, it's like 70 pounds, I think to do it. So I did the form, paid the money and then looked at my passport properly and was like, it's not out of date. Realised I dreamt it was out of date. And then

had to call the man and go, oh, so sorry, I've paid the money in a form, but it was a dream and he didn't laugh and said, we can't give you the money back. And I was like, then I cried. And then I put the phone down. Three more years left on it. Okay. So have a little look. Have a little look. And check your dreams. Check your dreams. Before you call. Check your dreams. Check your passports. Okay. Right. On the subject of the treat. And again, I'm assuming the answer is no, but it's worth just having a little check, what's the upgrade? What's the up?

Just have a little, and we're all, listen, and we're assuming it's a no, but let's just check. I will. So there are things that I've done that I, well, I haven't done that my partner's done, that I think is helpful. Okay. Number one, he got us bulkhead, leg room seats. Great, great.

The whole way there, both flights and back. Amazing. And my parents are on the flight too. My mom's very claustrophobic and really scared of flying. So if we were to upgrade, we'd have to all do it. it because I couldn't leave my mom to go to business class, you know? I understand. But, yeah, it is thousands of pounds.

Yeah, and this is good. Yeah. This is the number I want you to have in your head because I would say, I'm going to put the number up 200 pounds. If the difference between economy and business or something nicer was that, then I do it. Yeah. So I think, like, have a number, be like, what would I pay to have this be bit nicer? Yeah.

And I truly think if you're like, I haven't got that money. At this point, you're in for a penny in for a pound. this is going to be so long and bad, let's try if we can make it nice. If you look at it and it's like, yeah, sure, you can upgrade it. It's £6,000. Then for the rest of the flight, you're like, I've made £6,000. I see that psychological trick is so strong. Okay, yes.

So each minute you're like, oh, I'm making money. They're paying me to be on this flight. Okay, so each minute you look ahead, being like, oh, they look like they've got a duvet. You've made £6,000. Yeah. And famously, you can't just stare into business class. I do. They love that.

Listen, it's £6,000. We're not idiots. It's a cost of living crisis. We're an economy, but we've paid for the bulkhead. I've paid for the bulkhead. Fantastic choice. That's genuinely going to be my suggestion. It wasn't that much more money as well. It was not, yeah, it was.

So that hopefully will help me, you know. And so you don't have to climb over anyone to get out? No. This is huge. Okay. Okay, a couple of little bits. We're still in the prep. What am I bringing to get me through this uncle?

So I'm assuming you don't need any carry-on luggage because you've got everything in your Possibly. Possibly. So, yeah, okay, possibly. So I would say you're going to make a bag now. You're going to spend a bit of time before the flight. It's not just your everyday backpack. You're going to make one that's like, this is for the flight. Okay, great. Flight bag. Flight bag. Here we go. Oh, she's got a big old bag out again. This little zip here. Yeah, little side zip. She's now sort of stuck. She's broken it. Oh, no. What's in there? What's in there? Stevie? I don't know. Sox. Okay. So I'm taking socks.

Yeah. Are you saying I should bring socks for the journey or were you just showing me an example of things that can go in a bag? Okay, great. Yes. But I'll be. But I'll tell you exactly what you need. I bought myself this. We're talking, it's transparent, beautifully structured makeup bag. It says takeoff on it. And touchdown, which is, it's classier than I've made it sound. It does, yeah, you have made it sound, crap.

Okay, crucially, the thing is, it's completely clear. Yes. And this boy goes through security. Oh, so you don't know to take it all out and put it in the plastic bags. So it goes straight through as it is. It's completely clear, apart from its black trim on the outside. you can see all the way through. It's got two different compartments in it.

And this is a totally packed bag that is just for travel. Okay. I don't unpack my makeup bag and put it in this. This is just the bag. And can you take both makeup bag and that in? Because I was going to say my makeup bag is obviously much more extensive than yours. Absolutely. But of course you can take your makeup bag, but I put that in Holdall.

Of course. Because it's a long haul flight. You've got actual, I've forgotten that you've got actual luggage in the hold. Exactly. So you can put your liquids in there. So don't stress about it. This is entirely for the plane. Okay, and so this one was I was pausing on the socket you, is what I want you to do, because there's four of you now on this plane.

If you're alone, you have to do this for yourself, which is still lovely in its own way. But as there's four of you, I want you to divvy up, like a sort of secret Santa. And I want each of you to make for the one other person the first class bag. Oh, wow. So you know, if you're in first class, they'd be like, welcome. And then you'd get like a cosmetic bag and it would have like bits and things and an eye mask and stuff. They're rarely particularly interesting. It's not so much like, oh, it's free.

It's more just like, somebody's given this me. It's like got him to play. So like, even if you've never experienced one, everyone is like, oh yeah, the first class, back. So you just get yourself a little cosmetic bag of any form. Everyone in the family makes one for everybody else in there. Topped it for a long call bike. Give each other a little bag.

Oh my God. You wait till you're doing the little bag and how well it's going to go down. Okay, you know, I'm there. This is two hours, three hours easy of just talking about the little bag. Oh, my gosh. We're practically in Doha. Opening things. chatting about the little bag.

what you've got in your little bag. Trying things out. Yeah. Okay. So we're talking like a little lip balm, a little face. The dad. Actually, he does use lip balm. Anything that's a moisturising thing is you're going to get so hydrated on there. A tower cream. A tower cream. A spritzy face thing that's like, oh, that feels nice. Just spritzing bit. Rose water. Look at you talking now. We're just trying to make this experience. No matter how far back in economy we are, as luxurious as possible. And first class, give you socks. So, bloody hell, we're going to have some socks. Thank you very much.

What about for the people who were frightened to take their current socks off? Okay. Because they've just got like a fear of getting their feet out in public because of what if they smell horrible? You're in the bulkhead. You're tucked in. Okay. We've taken off now.

I've sprayed rose water so I can spray the rose water while I'm changing my socks. Yeah. And then we just bend down nice and quick. No one's seen. Go. Throw the old talks alow under. No, into the other side into the zip area. Yes, of course.

You've got your zip area. And now it's like shoes tucked underneath. all sorts of way and now you've got like these are your plain socks you know just something nice

something soft that's like oh that's lovely just like you want to be creating this like oh atmosphere

is that a clip is that coming across is the endlessly making the off bits and again remember you've got £6,000 to play with it

that's your budget you're making bank already you're making bank you know you've got your socks like oh god okay

as well as the the prep and the 6,000 pounds that we've got in the bank. We want to be going. The day before, we want to be going to the supermarket. And this is when we get in nuts. You might run the risk. They might say, no one can open any nuts on this plane. But can you get food through security? Yes. Okay, I didn't know that. You can't get liquids through. Okay. But food. Fine. In it goes. Oh my God. So you can have a whole bag of snacks. So that's for when, so I'm upset because they're going to give me set meal times and I

don't like that, but I can game the system by eating crisps whenever I want. That's exactly right, Steve. Not only that, you can say to yourself, which I like a crisp, madam, each time. And then eat a crisp. Again, I can pretend to ring for somebody and then serve myself crisp. That's exactly right. Again, to add to the fun, if you and your family want to be doing each other's snacks

and bits. Just serve other people. Serve the people around you. Really make some friends. Okay, so you want to have like snacks, bits, nice things. things. I have sweets and chocolate, but I would keep them to a minimal. Yeah. Because you'll think, how fuck you, but the sugar is going to go to your head and it's going

to go hard and fast and then it'll be delicious for a few moments and then there's seven hours to Doha. And you're like, oh, I'm having a sugar headache here. The thing about as well, which I want to know about is like timing things. So obviously you're going into different time zone and people are very, very good. I know people who are very good at knowing when to sleep and when to stay awake. and so is that important as well to like figure out because obviously if you eat loads of sweets and you just be awake the whole time

because you'll be like high and then you arrive and then you're jet lagged. The Australia one is such a big one that I wouldn't put any pressure on yourself to get it right. Okay. What you can do that I found very beneficial is that I thought the iPhone

you could only change the time once you had actually changed the times once you'd physically moved. You can do set to manual in your settings and you can immediately... And so get on the plane, take off and then once you're in the air go into your settings and do change the time zone

and change it to the time zone of where you're heading. Great. So from that moment you're, because I think what feels very disgusting is that you're like, it's 11pm and then you land and they're like, it's whatever, it's 12 o'clock in the afternoon. You're like, but if you're prepped for that from the moment you take off,

the whole journey has already been into the time zone. And I suppose then you can dictate so how much you are aware of when you should be sleeping or not. So you could be like, just have a little check. is in the middle of night there, yes, a baby I'll pop a night toll. Exactly. And so again, you don't have to look at your phone.

You don't have to be aware of any of that thing. You're just like, I'm having a... It's a long time. I'm probably going to look at my phone a bit. Sure. You can put a little thing over the top, a little sticker. Not show the time. Lots of the time here. Or, I know, new idea.

Set a time zone somewhere completely different. That's the Antarctic. Yeah, I'm out of time, baby. Yeah, exactly. You're resisting me on time and space. straight out of time and memory. And that will psychologically really help you. I think he will do.

I'll straight out of time and memory. And I return as Gandalf the White. I suppose I'll watch Fast and Furious Seven. So I think it is helpful to, not with your, I wouldn't do it until I would get to Doha. Get yourself to Doha, the other thing. Get on the flight to Australia and then go for it. Because then you're like, and now, when I land, I'll be in and I'm into this.

The difficulty is is that, we leave at 2 in the afternoon and we arrive at 11 p.m. Australia, but I've still not worked out whether in Australian time, it's 11pm the same day that I left because of the time zone or if it's like I've lost a day. So basically I have to mathematically sit down and figure out when to sleep. So I think I just skip a night or it's only night. Like I can't.

I would say, because you're arriving at 11pm, which means you're going straight to bed when you get there. So maybe stay awake, trying to stay awake the whole time. Don't try anything. Oh, sorry. Like, truly, you want to go to sleep? You want to go to sleep? You want to watch Fast and Furious?

Watch Fast and Furious. Like, don't fight it. So, okay. I think you will definitely sleep a lot on the Australia leg. But like, don't, don't fight it. Yeah, okay. Do whatever feels nice. Yes.

Right, okay. Is that why you're still jet-lanked from Japan? Yes. Okay, just checking. But I don't think I could have saved myself on the planet. And there's anything I could have done. That's not true. I probably could, but I wanted to watch all the movies.

Right. Now we're moving into content how you, basically, my friend said, is there anything that you do, then you look at the clock and you go, God, that the time's gone. I was like, that's actually, it sounds like a very basic thing to have asked me, but no, there is things. There are two things. One is like binge watching a show, like a, for example, I started watching Wednesday, which I thought would be bad, but it's actually really good and really fun. I looked at it and I was like, oh my God, the whole day's gone.

So that, or when I'm editing something, like when I edit the sketches that I do online, I go into a complete, I'm literally out of time and space. I forget to eat, I don't go to the toilet, I'd be like, my stomach hurts, oh well, it's because I'm weeded in like seven hours. It's that bad. So I was like, oh my God, so I might film something and then edit it on the plane. So trying to think of things that rather than what I've been doing for ages, being like, God, I'm going to have to watch loads of films.

And that, for some reason, films don't do that for me. Great. Don't fight it. What a shame I'm going to have to watch those films. You're like, no, there are other things you can do. So much out there. For me, I'm like, oh, I can't wait to watch the films. There's a bit on there where you go through the whole menu, then you can put add to favourites.

And then I go back and I see the curation that I've made for myself. And I think, well, who curated this? What a lovely selection. Madam. Madam, you're curated. And then I spritz myself with my spray. And I think, I met socks again. Sox and socks.

I did travel with more than one pair of socks, yeah. Luxury socks. I've made six thousand pounds. I'm having the time in my life. But it films, if you're like, oh, I can't bear it. it. No films for Stevie. Books for you, would you like to read? I would like to read.

Okay. I'd like to read, please. Okay, a couple of things. We could get some on the Kindle or on the iPad. Yes, I'm going to mix, mixed media. So I'm going to go reading a book, then maybe listen to one. Why not? Oh, look at you go. But I had COVID that helped. Great.

I read Andrew Hunter Murray's book, The Sanctuary. It was very good. Half on my book. And then when my eyes hurt because I was like, ill, half an audio book. Switched. It was very good. Look at you go. I might try that. This is fantastic. And also really like quick ones, I think not like we spend a day with a violinist who's thinking about his life and his, you know, his art. Like I think you want to go, someone's dead.

Who's done it? Who's done it? And we're happening. It's happening. Pacey, Pacey, crime, crime. Ooh, yeah. Go on. Oh, you know, I am excited for this flight.

I don't know. Am I? Okay. Any other tips? But the work thing that you hit on, I think is really important. I think bring your work with you, like in whatever form. I mean, I don't know if you want to travel. or with your laptop or wherever you...

Yeah. And it depends what, like, work you do, obviously if you're, like, a tennis coach. You certainly don't bring it with you. No. But maybe you... Ideally, you'll be... Ideally, what you'll be doing at this point

is working on a novel. Oh, yes. And then you can say, like, oh, this is great, because it gives me time to work on my novel. Yes, I'll have a crisp. I'll have a crisp. As I work on my novel.

And so any, therefore, you're like, the time doesn't feel this, like, insurmountable time. It's like, gotta be working on this novel. Yes, it becomes a gift. A gift. A gift. Because in life, you know, we're often pulled in many different directions.

You know, I'm sitting here talking to you. I should be at home writing my novel. Exactly right. But finally, the universe is calling my, well, Emirates is calling my bluff of being like, please, madam, some time. Your novel. To do with it what you will. And the thing is that you will do a bit of novel.

Maybe you'll watch a film be like, God, that was dreadful. And then be like, I can write a better novel than that. And then you'll have a bit of a go. And then you'll get tired. And then you'll be like, oh, I'd rather just read. And then every bit that you're doing is like, oh, oh, lovely. I'm doing this now. Okay.

Now what's the tip? It's the time for the big walk. Big walk, okay. We're going to walk all the way to the back and all the way to the front. Through first class. Straight through, baby. Into the cockpit. The thing is, after they're going to do a seating thing.

Also, tip, just in case you're a scary flyer and there is any turbulence. Sometimes they do a fake bit of the seat belts are being switched on now. They will do that about 10 to 50 minutes before the food so that everyone gets in their seat. Interesting. Dang, not me. I'm walking up and down. You're not doing the walk yet. I'm not going to be scammed. Oh, right, okay. Because we won't be hitting walking time until you've well bored.

So we've already had the meal. Okay, you're meant to get up quite regularly, like on the hour to stretch your legs. Sure. I'm going to do that anyone listening, and I think you should as well. For healthy, so the big walk, we're going to go all the way to. If we've done the food and we've done the drinks, and now there is like a bit where it just like settles down. There doesn't appear to be anybody's coming. The estuers are all having their sleep. Oh, my God.

The fear is set in. Yeah, the fear is set in. This is like dark night of the soul. Yes. Most people are asleep and you're like, fuck you. How are you asleep? Some people are like contentedly watching a movie and you're like, fuck you. How are you doing that?

And everyone's just like, it's just dark and still. But it doesn't feel peaceful and nice. It's just like, now what? You've answered my question that you asked me as to what are you frightened of looking at 10 hours? There it is. Now what? Now what? And now we begin the big walk.

Okay. So right to the back first. Have a little look. What's in that? What's in that? I'm at the back. So I imagine I'll just sort of be looking at myself. Oh right.

So I meant like in the galley bit. Oh yeah, get in there. Yeah, get in there. Then we turn around. We're going to go forward now. Okay. And we're going to go all the way to the front. And people are like, you can't cross the curtain.

I'm not crossing the curtain test. I'm just going to tell you about right now. In which case, no matter how bored and scared you become on this flight, you'll always be thinking, at least I don't have to go beyond the curtain. It's always there for you. Not only have you made £6,000, you don't have to go beyond the curtain. Yeah, okay, fine, yeah, yeah. Wow, what a big achievement.

Right? Because you'll be like, okay, at least I don't have to do that. Yeah. Because I'll always be there for you when you're like, now what? And my voice being your head be like, try the curtain. And then you'll be like, I'm not doing that. And I'm like, okay then. And then you'll find something else to do that's better than going beyond the curtain.

Okay. To anyone who's like, I imagine most of you, I would say 90% of the people listening are like, I'm not going beyond the curtain. No. Anyone else who's like, all right, what's there? Yeah, it's for the 1%. For the 1%? Join the Mile High Club of going behind the curtain. You just confidently push the curtain a side.

Then what happens? Then you walk all the way to the front. Right, yeah. And then you go to the toilet. Posh toilet? Yeah. What if someone goes, oh, madam, you can't go through there? You just say, I'm going to the toilet.

And then I go, you can't use those toilets. These toilets are. I say, oh, sorry, they were full. I didn't realize this was a different bit. That's actually really good, yeah. I didn't realize. I just thought anyone was allowed to go to a toilet anywhere. But then you're not allowed to go in and then you have to spend the whole flight being like,

oh, I was the person that tried to get into the fancy toilets. And this is why I talked to the 1%. For me, not registered. That's so great. Okay. Yeah, it's just, it's different strokes from folks. Listen, I love it. I've been in, I've been to the toilet while I'm there, I steal some snacks.

Do you? Yeah. Straight into, yeah, straight into the pockets. And just let this whole other world that I'll just never say. It's beyond the curtain. And it's beyond the curtain. And it couldn't be more of an apt metaphor. I'm too frightened.

Because if your fear is like, they just tell you can't go, you be like, that's the thing you always got to have a legit. Because if you're like, I just wanted to see beyond. And I was like, no, obviously not. Obviously you can't just. That's your response. I wanted to see. beyond, please.

Because that's the thing. That is what you want. You want to see what's beyond the curtain. We're like six hours in at this point. So like, we're already like, I'm sorry, I'm delirious. I'm just walking about. I've got to eat in thrombosis. I'm trying to get to the toilet.

And also that's when the lights are off. It's dark night of the soul. The a stewardesses are generally sat in their jump seat or like they don't give a shit at this point. Okay. So no one's going to be like, no one. I mean, I'm not, I'm saying you've got to be, you've got to have made your peace with the idea of them stopping you. And you've been like the toilet. That's also quite good because I'm going to spend like seven hours making my piece with someone stopping me.

So that also creates a bit of a time, you know. The time is going to whip past because the whole thing you'll be thinking about the curtain. All the different things I'll say. I have gone in, stolen snacks, stolen the cosmetic bag. That's so good. Okay. Yeah, well, that's all economy flights ruined for me now because I'm just going to be thinking about going in and the things I could get if I could only go behind the curtain. You might not always get those things.

I think you will. I think whenever you go behind a curtain, there's always something fun that happens. When I go, there'll be three hours. This is like, no! And I'm like, oh, like, that's happened every time I've been like, what would Tessa do? She'd give it a... Oh, I've been arrested. I like that it is the main take home of the tips for a long or flight is trying to get into business and steal all that shit.

But the main take home is you're making £6,000. Which, again, doesn't make any sense. Of course it does. Okay. But also, I think within that, we've got lots of micro tips among the members. macro tips that I think of you know. It's always returned to the six thousand pound issue. Okay. Yeah, I will. Now I'll help. I'll help me. But also you don't need to go and get the snacks and see beyond the curtain. Because you brought your own. You've bought your own. And you've got

your own first close back. I might bring my own curtain and just keep like going behind it. Perfect. You're genuinely good. You can get a little curtain up. And anyone who comes to look, the airtress just comes in. You're like, ah, excuse me. You can't be beyond here. How good would that feel? That would feel so good. So there's no, nothing to stop you doing that, apart from the rules of the plane, but otherwise nothing. I'm just social norms. The thing is, you don't need to see beyond the curtain because you've got the gear. I've got all the gear. I've got the first class bag. You've got a big scarf by the way. Lovely big scarf. Oh that's nice. This feels like a very useful tip I'm saying very late. Yes. But very very big scarf. Okay. And that's to like roll up and put

like roll up, roll it up, put it over your little blanket, just have it around something. It's like comforting to be like, oh again, we're just constantly creating the luxury. You're not allowed it because it's too expensive and they won't give it to us. But you should create it for yourself. I've got a travel pillow that when you actually is a penguin. And then when you turn him inside out, travel pillow. Gorgeous. Quite fun. So I might bring him as well.

Get yourself a lovely pret of your choice at the airport. I would get a full salady extra bit for you because I suspect the vegan meal will be disappointing. Yes. So I would get yourself an entire meal. Yeah, I think so. I'm going to get a full meal. A full meal. I can't stop you drinking.

People suggest not to, but what's the point in being on the plane if you're not doing the endless alcohol? Yeah, I think I might not do it for the first, but the second sort of just get in. just get on it. Get in hard. Arrived in Australia, just flying and flying. Absolutely. Okay.

I would say one more tiny thing that is for if you have children, only because you're like, none of this was any use to me, you idiots. But I did see this recently on TikTok, and I share it with you in case it's helpful. And if you were travelling with two of you and however many children, they'll say, like, children board first or whatever,

and the thing, but then actually your child is sort of stuck on the runway, not doing anything quite frustrated for a long time. So what you want to do is when they say anyone with children is welcome to board now first. One of you goes ahead without the children, but with all the stuff. Okay. Your bags, your bits, whatever you need. They then go on and they spend their time quietly getting everything ready. Oh, yeah.

Everything on everyone's seat, their games, their snacks, their bits, whatever anyone needed. Their bags are in the overhead. They're completely ready to go. And you've just got, you in the waiting group have just got the children. Okay. You then get on as late as possible. Ideally last, you're in, you're into your seat. everything's sorted, they're not like, oh, I've got to get this other bag and I want that.

Great, okay, that's a really good tip. It's a nice one, isn't it? Yeah. I can't use it, but it's really nice. No, but I hope someone can. Yeah. I hope some of that was any use to you. Sox, cigars, moisturizers.

I thought you're going to say cigars, then. Cigars, if you can. You didn't mention cigars. Be a little bit brave, see what's behind the curtain if you like. If you like. Or don't. Or not. I'm, I wouldn't say, less scared of going on the long.

Oh, no. I'm accepting of it, you know? I haven't helped at all. You have helped. You have helped. I'm joking. You have helped. I'm going to get behind the curtain. I'm going to take a selfie behind the cone for you. What we've made it accepted is if you don't like films, you don't like films. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, you just got to do what you've got to do. You've got to do with your nice socks on.

And it's mainly about the socks. And you're giving your family the first class bag. Come on. That's a nice bit. That is nice. I will do a post-long-haul patron-only grilling session. See you next week. And also see you on the flight. Thank you for joining us and it's been a pleasure. Thank you so much, Tesla, for that episode. And goodbye, everybody. The weather at our destination.

See you next one. Bye. Goodbye.