Nobody Panic - Still Panicking: How to Have a Massage

Episode Date: October 3, 2025

Still Panicking: Why not carve out a bit of you time, as this week, we look back on Tessa and Stevie's best self-care How Tos.Stevie got a massage and loved it. Tessa gets them all the time for her stressed body. Together they offer advice if you’re thinking about going for the first time and, quite frankly, get far too worried about how to tell if your masseuse is going to give you a “happy ending” or not.This episode was first released on 19 March 2024.Recorded and edited by Aniya Das for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Great music you've got in this spa. It's to help you feel calm.

Yeah, it does. Dingle, dingle, jingle. Those are wind chimes. That's very nice. That's the sea. Ding. That's a gong bath. Happening in the room next door in this calm spa.

I did that once. A gong bath? Yeah. I have to. What did you think? I couldn't. I had to work really hard to not laugh. Yeah.

Because it was lovely. So welcome to Nobody Panic. It's a podcast of How to Do Things. I'm Stevie. Tessa is right there asking me about. Gong Baths. Hello. Lay down. Because my eyes.

And just because you can't see where she is. She plays a... Sorry. That was so good. Thank you. And then you go, okay. And then the part where it's funny is in the next noise is from like a different part of the room. You weren't expecting it.

And then I kind of open my eye. And it's just a woman just walking around the room just playing a gong. just standing there and then walking into a different bit. I've only been once with a friend to a very heavily attended class, the opposite of yours. Good. And good. You.

But I was just laid there with my eyes guys and she was telling us that the sound of these vibrations was going to reset our DNA. Yes. And not to call myself a medical professional, but I was like that, that's a, and I wasn't saying anything, but my friend just very quietly reached out and like, you touched me to be like, don't say anything. You don't need to argue. Yes.

Anyway, but this episode isn't even about gong baths. We should do one, but it would just be don't laugh. Yeah, and be like, release yourself, relinquish yourself to the gong if you can. Be at one. Be at one with the gong. And be like, yeah, this is what we're doing now. No point fighting it. Give yourself up to the gong.

And even though it's not going to change your DNA, it might do. It's quite nice just to lie down for a bit. Yeah, that's something. Better than a poncho. It is nice. It's a nice, interesting noise. I cannot get over how good an impression of a gong you made with your mouth. It's such a talent.

Thank you. And you really, you can't see her listeners, but she really reverberated. I wanted it to reverberate. Yeah, you did really beautiful job. Oh, thank you. Anyway, sorry, don't look in the gong bathroom. That's not for now. Close this door.

You're coming in here to have a massage. Oh, no. Don't worry. Don't panic. Is this your first massage? Yes. Do you enjoy? Well, I was going to ask, do you have many, but clearly no.

No. And you don't like to massage? Well, I like to massage. Like, if someone's like, oh, I've got a bit of a knock, would you mind just like, I might, yeah, all right, I'll do that. But I don't, you know what it is? Is I, up until I had one last week, I don't think I was confident about the point of it unless you have like a sporting injury. Or you were like, I did have like a bad, like my big trapezium, you got two big muscles in your back. and I had a problem with that like five, six years ago. And I had a lot of massage on that.

But that wasn't like gong massage or like, doong ding ding ding, ding. That was like a man going like, all right, we're going to do this. And then you've got to move your head like this every day for 15 minutes. You know, it was that sort of thing. It was like very practical. So you had it in your head being like one of these is simply woo-woo. One of these is woo-woo. One of them is serious.

Oh, boy. This is for physio-ho. This is for men. This is serious. This is real. And this one is just a bit nambi-pambi. Yes, of course. Because men are practical and women are woo-woo. Also, as well, I think there is a lot of, like,

it's very focused on the spiritual element, the massage, whereas the sports therapy is very much focused on this muscle, that muscle, whereas when I went for the massage last week, there wasn't a lot of like, I'm going to tell you about your muscles, but there was a lot of hitting me with some wooden paddles. Okay. Do you want to talk it through how you ended up in the wooden paddle room? It's a particular type of massage called Brazilian pantalas massage,

which gained popularity in Brazil. The technique involves using the wooden pads called pantalas on thighs, stomach and buttocks, and a combination of vigorous movements, deep tissue massage and lymphatic drainage. Everyone's obsessed with lymphatic drainage, so there was a lot of that going on. And what led you to the Brazilian pantalon? Said on Instagram I was quite stressed. Sure. And a lady messaged me called Tatiana Carolina.

And she's opened a spa in Kensington called Tatiana Carolina with a K, Instagram, at Tatiana Carolina official, of course. Fantastic. So she offered me a Brazilian pantalas massage for free. Like I'm an influencer or some shit, which I am. Come on. Stop talking. Everyone's talking about it. Stop talking about it.

Everyone's talking about it. I influence. It's what I do. It's what I am. So I went. It was absolutely astonishingly great. Okay. And afterwards I felt like my entire body had been all of the stress and my heavy thoughts and all of my muscles were different. And I was now like at base level. And you know, like, and you don't realize how much you're carrying. And then when I walked out, I was like, oh my God. Like it was wonderful. She'd also hold. body, which I've never had before. I've only had like sports on the shoulder. It was like front of legs, back of legs. And then

stomach, and I was like, oh, I'm probably going to shit myself. I didn't. Then back of back of back. At one point she was like, okay, we do the feet and I was like, you can't remove my socks. And then she was like, that's fine. And so she just did it over the top of the socks. And I nearly cried. It felt so

good over the top of my socks. And then there was a lot of like up into the skull. Oh, so So good. And then there was some of them. And then, you know what? I couldn't tell when she'd got the wooden pads out. Ah.

Because it was such big, like, like, oh, getting in anyway. It was only when they sort of clacked together. And I was like, hands don't clack like that. I'm so thrilled for you. It sounds like you had an amazing time. I'm going to go. I think I speak for all the listeners and I say questions. Okay.

Really? What about? What have you got your socks on? Yeah. So I don't. So I realize. What are you wearing? nothing and then just socks.

No, at one point. No, you've not got your vajat. What have you got out? You've got your pants? I've got bra and pants on. Okay. But my bra had broken on the way. Okay.

So the snap on the back had just pinged off. So I was like, I'm going to take my bra off. She's like, that's fine. So I just had a towel. I'm sure it was actually much easier for her. Probably was, yeah. And socks? So I started running.

So I've been like, I run quite a lot now. And I've got this one really gross blister. And I was like, I just, and. because I've got the gross blister, I've lost all respect for my feet. So I've still got the toenail polish from my fucking wedding party, which was in December. It's only, that's so fine. Fine, but it looks horrific. So it's all chipped.

It's black. It looks chipped and black. So I was like, that plus blister. Plus, like, I've got size eight feet and they're not particularly nice anyway. I see. So bring, yeah, okay. So all of my, so, and I really didn't. So I never get pedicures because I'm just like, it's not, it definitely isn't because I'm

Oh my God, I don't need to touch my feet because I'm so aware that they see all types of feet and that's all fine. But I would not be relaxed in that environment. Understood. So I thought if I said, and I said like, I've run a lot on my, my, I've got like calluses and I just, my feet are just awful. Is that okay if you don't? And she was like, that's fine. I thought by saying that she was going to be, she was just not going to do my feet. But the fact that she just did it over my socks without really.

And it was just so nice. That's so nice. I think if we were going to take a few more steps down that road mentally. we could be like what it would be like if you took you if you also looked after your feet. Oh, don't worry. But I just thought how to look, how to emotionally connect with your feet wasn't a particularly relatable podcast episode. No, but a lot.

And I also think you're speaking, I think a lot of people listening would be like, yeah, that's what holds me back from going is like, I've got this gross elbow. I haven't shaved my legs. I, my, my, oh my God, I didn't say that the other bit. Please. So, this is part of, this is why I wanted to do the episode is because, right, so I had a had a bikini wax for a while because that is my prerogative as a woman. Also part of me was a bit like I had to do this job where I had to look well put together.

I've got very long fake but like nude coloured nails. I had to get like fake tan, I had to get my roots done. My hair had to be like perfect. And I had to do a lot of skin work before the shoot. So part of me was like, oh my God, a bikini wax. I'm going to go with an absolutely massive market. No, we'll know, because I'm in full close. Just so I know that I haven't submitted to the system.

I see, understood, absolutely. That, you know, almost like a bit of a joke to myself. A bit, if you will, our top tip from dating, put a grape in your pocket. And then you just know you've got to... I still think of that. For job interviews, somebody, an actual grown-up adult suggested that the top tip for interviews, new dates. I thought you'd read it in a book. No, it's the shadow, yeah.

That's so funny. He swears that he read it in a book. The fantastic tip is that if you're going to a job interview or a date or anything that you're nervous about, is to put a grape into your pocket and then no matter what's happening, you're thinking, I've got a little secret. I've got a little secret. I've got a bit of control. I've got a bit of control. You don't know about, yeah, this interview's going incredibly badly,

but I've got a grape in my pocket. And I suppose in a way that's you being like, yeah, I look like this on the outside. But guess what? Guess what? Ha ha. I've got an enormous bush. Generally. And it was quite, on the day, they were like, here's your costume.

And I was doing a spin class and I had to look like I'm a spin person who does spin and I don't do spin. And I was like, it's okay. As long as I don't get my stomach out because I don't look like a spin person with my stomach out. And they were like, it's a crop top and leggings. I was like, okay, I'm so glad I've got a massive beef. It's just for me. It's for me. I've still got control.

Anyway, so this, um, massage came two days later. What happened, of course, got there. I was like, yeah, feet, socks. And then she was like, okay, so if you just get into your knickers and your bra and I was like, I still got the massive beef. So I've got the massive bush. But there's a towel? No. So in this massage, they put the towel. Yeah, I was expecting that. I was going to be face down and she just touches my shoulders. Because that's all you know. That's all I've ever known. From sports physio. sports physio, of course. She puts the towel,

they put the towel on the leg that's not being massaged and up along the line of your knickers. But some of us with dark hair and pale skin are, Bush, maybe descends down the thighs. Sure, sure, sure. And it was as I lay my back and I was like, okay, I do, I'm not,

I've already done a bit about my feet. I'm not going to stop. I'm not going to apologize. No, and why should you? So I just lay there and was like, I'm going to. to relax, even though I'm aware, she's definitely going, wow, she decided not to have a wax. And not only did she decide not have a wax, she really, really has committed to this.

And I was like, maybe I'm just somebody who's, there's so many people in this world who would, people I know who are just like, yeah, I've got hairy armpits, yeah, I've got hairy legs. And I was like, yeah, that's fine. It's society that has done this to me. So, and I was able to fully relax, even though I had my bush. out. What a testament to the power of the paddles that you truly have come out of there and you relinquished everything. You didn't mind about your feet. You didn't mind about my feet because I kept my socks on. No, but then she touched your feet and you still were like, oh wow. Yeah, over the

socks. Sure, sure, sure. But you were able to truly relax as opposed to being lying there like a stick being like, what if she, what if a sock falls off? What if my sock falls off? What if she looks at my vagina? And then you and then you did the work of being like, yeah, she's looked at my vagina. So, loads of people have got them. Loads. Literally loads. Yeah. Wow. I'm really, really very thrilled for you. Thank you. What a, what a big, what a big journey. The reason I wanted to do it is because I wanted to, for example, that's not tip number one. Obviously do what you need to relax. And for me, that would have been like, let's get a little razor on that, you know? Well, that's the thing is. And I didn't and I still was able to. Yeah. And I would say that shouldn't be

the tip, you know, we shouldn't feel that you have to go in there prepared. Of course, but what is prep, if you must, if you need to. But if you are unable to, don't worry, because you can still relax. And because I think it's maybe a shade naive to think that telling people, don't worry about anything, just go in because these things are so deep within us. Of course. Like, I did shave my legs because that's a very deep within me thing. And then I can't tell you how I just stopped there. but I was obviously like, well, that's all the hair done.

I think because it had never occurred to you. Yes. The front bottom would be revealed. It really hadn't. And I didn't have my full front bottom out. I did have my knickers on. But she sort of like hoiked my knickers up a little bit so she could get the pad. She could really like get to my upper thighs.

It was like, right, there's no going away from this. You are looking at my. Yeah. Nethers. I'm obsessed with massages. Are you? Oh, yeah. It was a lot. It's been a long, long journey for me of understanding,

stress and how it affects the body and there was a lot of me being like, oh, I've broken something or I'm carrying this bag badly or X, Y and Z and those things can exacerbate the problem, but the problem is mostly within. So therefore I was just throwing money left, right and centre at both a man called Zoltan in Soho, who used to put

his elbow into my butt. Put his elbow on my butt. Not up my butt. And to read or obsess with trying to release things, I had all these trapped nerves, I had so much stuff going on. That is true. When you get stressed, your entire body sort of shuts down, doesn't it? Yes.

And once I was walking through Soho, I was so, in such a bad way, I was completely hunched over and I couldn't like look up right. I was so walking along and looking at the ground. And then I was stopping. I was like, I actually go back and walk any further. There was a sign right in front of me that said like, hunched? I was like, yes, I certainly am. And it was like, come in for a massage.

And I was like, okay. And it was one of those, it was a Chinese massage and herbal remedies. and it had in the window a huge big sign of that like the medicine man image, you know, of like the body and like muscles and like muscle groups and everything. And I was like, great, this will do. Golden. I went in and so I just need to explain for what happens next of like just how not focused on my surroundings I was. I was like, may I have a massage please? And they like, yeah, this, like anything, my shoulders, I can't stand up. And they kept being like, and it's, and just in massage.

And I was like, yes, yes, yes, please this. And they were like so surprised. surprised by me. And then more and more men in suits kept coming past me leaving the establishment. And then they like led me downstairs to this room. And then this girl came in and she just kept me like, and it's definitely just this and like pointing to the list. And I was like, yes. And then as it began, I was like, ah, ah, this is, this is not, this is not a massage shop. This is, this is, what is the correct word for a brothel these days? A sex house. I was like, this is a sex house.

And me and this lovely got a lovely chat. I gave her her loads of cash. And then she rang me off. And then she went, no, she did not. But she must have been like, what a diverting way to spend the hour. Yeah. What I, anyway, and then I was like, ah, I've really made a mistake here. But she was fantastic.

But I used to it constantly. And then I got better at understanding myself a bit more and being like, I don't know if these are all just muscle problems. And maybe you need to work on when you're stressed. levels. Yeah, because you're dealing with the symptom rather than the cause if you're constantly going to get a massage and, exactly. But it can release, you can break that cycle. Like, it can give you some release that then you can kind of work on your stress from a level, like a base level, rather than being like, I'm working on stress, I'm like this. I think it's so, so, I think absolutely, I think it's a perfect combination thing.

But as long as you go into it knowing being like, oh, I also have a lot of internal work to be doing. This isn't entirely an external thing. My feelings about the nudity, because I would have died for most of my, I would say the first 20 plus years of my life, I would have been like, no massage, do not touch me. When you were three, for example. That was not the first 20 years of my life. Oh, I see. Oh, I see. Oh, yeah, okay. No massage, please. No massage please. No, okay. So first eight years of my life barely got my clothes on. Boundly, relentlessly. nude, then a permanent nude, if you will. Yeah.

Then never nude for 20 years. So then I'm just like, riddled with a shame. The shame kicks in. I was like, don't touch me. Not only would I have been massage with my socks on, I would have been like head to toe. Yes. Always had my clothes on constantly. And I would have died if you said, like, you have to have a message.

And I'd be like, I'll pay you to not do it. I'm the same yet. I would pay, yeah. And having like a smear test or having like anything, I was just like the biggest thing was like, I don't want to get my butt out. I don't want to them to see my butt. Do not perceive the but a hole. Do not perceive the but a hole.

But then, when I'm 23 or 24, I go, we and my mum go to Morocco. And we go to a Haman and a proper like Moroccan bathing house. And if you've ever been to one of these before, they are completely segregated by gender. So it's just women. And you go in, it's just immediately nude. Like there's absolutely no question. And you actually wouldn't be allowed to go on any. further with any clothes on. And you are sort of led round a bathing house experience. And it's not a

tour, it's not a tourist. I mean, tourists do go, but it's very much just like, it's where everyone people go at the end of a big day. You're led round and there were these, these Moroccan women. And they sort of led you in through you in this room. And then they like threw a bucket over your head and then you're like, oh God. And then they'd be like, like, throw you into the next room. And then they'd like cover you in salt and then just like scrub you from head to toe. And then they threw me, we didn't like speak, we didn't have any language to communicate our needs. and we were trying to say, like, no, no massage for us, please, no massage. And they just launched us onto these sort of big marble slabs.

And then I was being, like, scrubbed from head to toe by this lady with these enormous bosoms. Great. I was face up with no clothes on, and she was pushing all the way down on my whole body from my shoulders, like, all the way down. And as she went down, her bosoms then went fully onto my face. Yes, you were, like, motorboating her by accident. Yeah, I was being sort of like waterboarded by the... Sometimes she went up, I feel like, and then the boom. come down again, like get the breath in.

And I became so, it was like such an emotional rollercoaster of being like, please, please, please no, to being like, oh my God, this is happening to becoming hysterical about the bosoms to then, like having this like true like epiphany spiritual awakening of being like, oh my God, this woman doesn't care at all. My boobs are like as just a part of my body is like my knees. Like nothing here is sacred or special or like you can perceive the butthole just as you can perceive the elbow. Like there is nothing that should be.

The elbow, of course, can be used on the butt hole to de-stress. A full circle. Zoltan. Please, come now. Anyway, I really, that woman on that marble slab really did a number on me. Well, it's a very less intense version is when I had the massage last week, because that was what it felt like when I was like, oh, you can see my, what looks like a murkin, but I'm not wearing a murkin. By the time she'd got really into my muscles, I just get thinking about, let it take you, let it take you.

And like if you think that when you're getting a massage, I think that's, if you just think, let it take you over and over again and you do indeed let it take you. That's when you get into that sweet spot of being like it's doing the work. Like it's doing the work on you. You just have to go with it and not resist it. But then equally, do, if there's like pain, you then say, oh, and you alert them or is pain part of it? Interesting question. Thank you so much for bringing it to the table. Because there will be moments of enormous discomfort and a sort of pain that you have to know the sound of the pain. I think if the sound is like, oh, that's probably a good pain. But if it's like an actual scream or an, like a... If it feels wrong, because the massage pain that I was having felt quite right.

Like it felt like, oh, you're getting into it there. Yeah. And then... We're in the mustard here. This is something... We're in the mustard here. But if it is like, oh, no. I think you'll know. I think you shouldn't be

I think going into it. I think I would say did you ever put your hand up to say that's too much? I did not if I was like, go harder. Go harder. So I think it is a feeling that you will know the moment. It's like when the, I've been having a lot of dentistry work recently and the man keeps being like, you're being very brave and you're in control at all times and you put your hands up if you need.

Like that will be the signal and we'll just stop. It is interesting the times when I have raised my hand, it is your body just is like, that's a no. But the rest of it is like, this isn't nice, but I'm enduring and I can understand that this is a, yeah. So I think your body will just take over and tell you when it's a moment to be like, no, no, that's actually too much. And other than that, they'll be listening to you, I think you making a noise, they'll know. And they won't really do, because also they can feel when the muscle, through their hands, they can feel the muscles that you have that are tight and they can feel what's going on in your body in a way that we don't understand.

Like, good massage person. they won't do it if they feel, oh God, there's, like, there's an actual issue. Absolutely. So I think that just should just take off that, take off your clothes, take off that concern, you know. And remember that, like, you are in control and you can say, no, thank you. But I suspect you'll be thinking, I don't like it, but I accept it. Yeah, the don't like it, but I accept it. Like, if you go in, like, being like, oh, God, and you're all tense and, like, you're resisting it.

Like, you might, that might be painful. That's why the let it take you, like, has to happen because you have to completely relinquish all control in order to get the most out of it rather than being like, oh, well, if they do something I don't like, I'm going to put my hand. Like, don't think about that. Like, that will just be a natural. It's a lot to relinquish that up. And so I think once you have to just be like, yes, I submit myself to the experience. I trust them. I go with it.

And I fight all my instincts, which are, please do not look at my feet. Please don't hurt me. Please don't do anything. Don't do anything weird with that. Paddle, please do not perceive my butthole. There's so much that you need to get over mentally before you even get in the room. And then you'd have to be like, yes, this is the massage journey. And I accept that I let it go. On that topic, there was an absolute sort of hysteria in the particularly comedy industry. There was a year where I basically couldn't move at gigs for people telling me they'd been wanked off by their masseus. And I was sort of like, but how do you know to do that?

Like, what do you say? Could you, and now finish the job? You know what I mean. Ha ha. And you're like, obviously not that. They wouldn't know what's going on. But, yeah, no, they're like, no, you just make the noises. And then you just sort of, and I was like, well, what if they, then are like,

what are you doing? I don't do that sort of thing. And you're like, then you just stop. Like, you know, I was like, oh my God, this whole language. I think with a situation like that, there's probably colour. lose, especially if you're going to somebody who're like, this is my masseuse, Jeremy. He wanks me off. Just so scared that I'll go and have a massage and then they'll just start doing that.

And then you just say, no, thank you. Oh, yeah, of course. You know. God, that's quite a deep thing, isn't it? You can just say no, Stevie. Can I? Okay. So I think that's the whole thing about, it's this, the massage is this fine typeboat line

between like relinquished total control, but remember that you also are in total control. Which is what I just said. And then I was like, well, what if they wank me off? Exactly. So then if the wanking begins, you're like, no, thank you actually. Much like me being like, what is a boob? What is a knee? You know, we're all, it's like, what is massaging your sciatic nerve?

What is massaging your clitoris, you know? Why not? But I think if it is part of the service, that will probably be a known thing. I know a masseuse who does happy endings. It's called in her trade. And she would say that what she does is, she has a little card with a nice typewritten, you know, so people know she's a professional. Right.

sort of A5, is that half an A4? Don't want to be a poster, or you get the wrong idea in your head. Like a small one. Postcard, size, card, just one's like, it's neat, it's typewritten, it's the real deal. Classy, classy fond. Because no one can do that. If it's like a ripped bit of cardboard with like a marker pen.

Of course. And actually, when you walk around Lester Square, there are a ripped bit of cardboard with mark markup signs. You know, you wouldn't trust somebody with the mark, you know. But you're like, oh, a card. Wow. Someone's got this printed out. They're not going to whank me off because I'm not.

No, listen, someone's got this through in advance. Of course. So she's finished the massage. The person has got their head in the hole looking down. They've all seen friends. There are a hole in the massage table that you put your face through. And it's always fun to take a little selfie. Yeah.

Anyway, she finishes the massage and then she places the card so they can see. On the floor below. She just holds it underneath their face and says, I'm just, if you want to open your eyes, I'm just holding something here. And it says, would you like a happy ending? Jesus Christ. Yeah. And then they say yes or no. I would lose my mind if someone did that.

In which direction? I'll just be like, what? Like, what do you mean? That's so crazy. Because I'd be like, I wouldn't believe that she meant what I thought she meant. Right. So I'd be like, yeah, sure. And then she started doing that.

And then it'd be like, oh, no, you mean that? Okay. So I think she'd have to be like, do you want me to masturbate you to completion? And then I'd be like, right, thank God we're on the same page. No. But you can't be using euphemisms. Well, I think the card, the point in the car is, and she'd think she says, Like, just take a moment.

I'm not saying that it's the wrong thing to do. She says, I personally would freak out. She says that no one's ever freaked out. Probably not outwardly, but like people are like... It's so tricky, isn't it? And now all I've done is made you all think that at the end of your massage, the card will arrive.

So I'm just going to wait. The only time it's ever happened to me was once getting a bikini wax. The girl was talking all about how sometimes that people will come in for a wax, men and women and all people will come in, and it'll be sort of implied in the root. that like they would like this to be a... Could not think of anything worse after having more wax? The idea that would also happen in that room,

but she was like, it obviously is a thing within that industry of like, here is a clear way of being like, we exchanged money, I say I've had a bikini wax, we go into a locked room, X, Y, Z. Then we leave, I can pay you with this money. You know, it's a clear transactional thing. And she was saying, that's how a lot of people make extra money. And I was like, God, how do people, how do you sort of get it across? That's what you're trying to say.

And then she's like, well, I would just be sort of, when I'm finishing, I would just be there and I would touch them and I would sort of, you know, say, would this be something you'd like? And I sort of opened my eyes and we made like direct eye contact. And I actually was sort of touching my front bottom and I, then I sort of just was like, gosh, wow, imagine that. And like it definitely was not, it wasn't a piece of card with like, yes or no. If I was having a wax, someone was like,

someone just put their hand on me in that way and went, and is this something you'd like? I don't, I honestly do not know how I would. No. I just presume that there'd be like a sort of a secret code or something. Well, I think that's the thing once you know the secret. We're obviously so naive. Well, what, the secret code is, is this something you'd like while wacking you off? Like, I think.

I think that's the secret code. I'm just like, I'm surprised that that's the secret code. I'm supposed to be like, a 5137? And then you go, absolutely. Or you go what? And they go, oh, I didn't say anything. And then he just moved on. Out I go.

Or like, you know, like how. It would be. But that's the thing. Like, you know, when we, there was that route. In the 90s, it was all like that pampas grass stuff that was the code for you being a swinger. It was implied that if you had those out the front of your house in a pot, that was to give a code so that you were swingers. Wow. Imagine if you just bought it because you liked it. Exactly. And imagine how many people got in such a mess. People knocking on the door being like a 513 and you're like, and to you're like, and to you know.

So I think we're just probably quite naive about what it's happening in the underworld. In the world. In the world. In the world. Yeah. Or not the dark underworld. Like, why not? Why should people be allowed to. I think that's not the dark underwood. But also we're both like, we're both being like, and why not? We'll also be like, not for me. Yeah, I'm obviously going higher. And why not? My whole arms across my whole body.

I'm stressed about the concept of maybe someone asking me afterwards if I want a happy ending for my massage. On the lovely piece of card. So I think the general message here is that. We've been too long talking about when you get whacked off on the interview massage. My point is, if you're like, that's a fear for me, I think we can establish that people, will offer you a code. It will, you won't.

It probably won't. But you won't know what it is. And so you won't, you're not going to get yourself in an accidental mess here. No, but you just say, no, thank you. That's not for me if the thing is truly just happening. Yeah, I think it's the opposite.

They're not going to offer you a code. They're going to make it quite clear if that is the thing. Yes. Yeah. Rather than being like 513 and you go, yes, and then suddenly you're being wanked off. And I also suppose if someone does say, do you want to 513, you say, and what's that?

You know, so just remember to not go, yeah. That's the thing. Just try and keep you cool while relinquishing. I don't want that to be the takeaway. I'm like, number one, take, when you're getting a massage, keep me a cool in case they offer you a coat to try and whack you off. My point is. I think, I think 99.9% of the time, the massage.

That's not going to happen. Of course, isn't it? That's my point. But we've talked about it for so long that we've made people scared of someone they weren't scared about. I know. And it's not going to happen. Yeah, it's not going to happen. It's just going to be a normal massage from head to toe.

They'll be well, music, it will end. There won't be any cards. You'll be actually quite disappointed. They might, but this is an actual thing. And they might do the thing, you know, where they kind of linger. And now we've talked about going to wanked off so much. People are going to now be like, okay, I guess they want to. No, they may be lingering because they may, you normally tip your masseuse.

Ah. Like a hairdresser or like your nails person. You normally tip 10%. But if you do you do it. don't, it's not the end of the world, but that might be what they're doing. If you feel there's an energy, now we've talked for half an hour. So when might that happen? At the end of the massage. Are they in the room still? Yes. Okay. But after we're listening to this podcast, I would have got my pants off and been like, well, I suppose you have to wank me off now.

So, yeah, that's probably, if you feel any vibe and they've not said, I'm going to rank you off, then give them a tip instead. I think sometimes people give cash tip because when you do... So it doesn't get taken off the top. Exactly. So I think that sometimes you might just pick up on that and then you can get the cash. You've got your cash ready. You're ready to receive the card. You're a relinquishing control but staying in control. Yes. You having a massage. And you don't worry. Like of it, you know, get yourself prepped with your body hair if you, if that makes you feel relaxed. But if you're not, then it's fine because they've seen all types and I had one and it was great and just say over and over again in your head like,

Let it take you. Let it take you. Hear my voice saying let it take you. I will give you one final thing to end. Yeah. A friend of mine, work trip, Brazil. I did not speak any Portuguese. Desperately needed ahead of a date or something important was like, oh my God, I need to get a wax. That evening. But it was like language barrier, Googling waxing, waxing places, walking out with no data. So like, has memorized where the place is. not the thing, finds this thing, everything's quite confusing, goes in, manages to explain wax, wax, they're all like, yeah, but they're quite confused, and then they're like,

wax, and she's like, yes, yes, yes, okay, great, go into the room, goes into the room, takes her full trousers off. Of course. It gets on this, like, quite odd-shaped bed. Yeah. Man comes in, horrified. More people come in, everybody's so horrified. Everybody's, like, being like, what do you want from us? Dentist. God, I knew it was obviously going to be something that was in a wax, I did not think dentist. The exact opposite of the works, actually, when you think about it. But just imagine a dentist is going in.

Woman, like, looking you in the eye, be like, there you go. And butthole, if you can. Full, front, bottom out. Just been like, took it close. Right, thank God. It was so like, hang right, got to get this done as quick as possible, please. Quick, quick, quick. Just shouting important kids, what do you want?

What do you want? So great, that's perfect. Anyway, so it won't be as bad as that. Won't be as bad as that. Get out there. Let us know how your massages go. Good luck to you. you enjoy yourself. Thank you so much and I'm just putting a little card under the table now.

No, my God, I'm not that. Okay, goodbye. Goodbye.