Nobody Panic - Still Panicking: How to Have a Smear Test

Episode Date: June 25, 2025

Still Panicking: Stevie has been smashing it in the latest series of Taskmaster. To celebrate, this week we look back at some practical How-Tos to help guide you through tasks of your own.Listen. Nobody likes them, but if you’ve got a cervix you gotta do it. You just gotta. Here’s a whistle-stop journey through a smear, colposcopy and biopsy, no holds barred, telling it like it is, and giving you plenty of reason to relax and breathe through it. And if you haven’t got a cervix, listen anyway because it’s nice to know hey?Recorded by Naomi Parnell and edited by Clarissa Maycock for Plosive.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true, Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Hey, Tessa. Hey, Stevie. Hey, people.

Are you ready? Stevie, you ready to come in? Stevie Martin? Is there a Stevie Martin here? Is she ready to come in? No. Even my little role play there sent a chill through me. And through me.

Of waiting, waiting. Just waiting. Waiting to go in that waiting room for your smear test. Here we go. If you're listening to being like, I don't need smear test because I don't have a cervix. Fine, but you might learn something. Yeah. Is it interesting?

Stay with us. The answer is yes. I say, everyone can learn. Also, you know, it helps you to relate to the people in your life who do have to have one because when they're like, I'm not going to bother. You can be like, do, it's fine. Yeah, or they might say, oh, I've got to go for one. I'm absolutely terrified.

And you can say, hey, I actually listen to this podcast. And they'll be like, oh, my God, you ally and then they'll snog you. If that's what you're all about getting laid. Being an ally is all about getting laid. Get them snugs in. Snugs. People don't say that we're not. word snog enough.

No. What is the current youth term? Allig. Is an anagram of lay. You can say of snog. Of snob. Lael.

Layle. And what do the youth say when they want to get off with someone? I've heard they say, no, if it's happening already, they say, I'm speaking to.

And I find that abhorrent. I could make a lot of problems in the workplace. But then I was thinking about when we went to see that Terence Rattigan play. Remember, our friend was in a play. And it was great.

It was great. Yeah, no further comment. No, it was great. She was fantastic. But it was not, we would not have gone of our own finition. It was an old-fashioned romp. Yeah, Terrence Rattigan is like a mid-and-I'm saying this like, oh, you know, Terranus Rattigan. I, Steeley had to whisper all this to me as arrived late.

And it was a farce, a mistaken identity farce. I couldn't grasp who anyone was, what anyone was doing. The audience was sort of mid, the home county's vibes. And people would say, like, that boy went to Eaton. And then they'd be like, it was Harrow. and then everybody cheered. Genuinely, that happened. That happened.

Anyway, in that thing, they were saying, oh, well, I made love to her at 11. And then I made love to her at 1115. And it was like, I made love to her at 1130. All these three men arguing. And I was like, what the hell has this woman been up to? But it turns out that meant flirting. Yes.

Can you believe it? And now, speaking to means fucking. It's actually fucking. I meant just like snogging. No, my cousin, my 18-year-old cousin, The one of the old got things back on track with a bird. Oh, yeah. Famously.

He called for my advice because he was like, I've been speaking to these two girls. And I was like, great, fantastic. And then eventually we established he meant he's having sex with two different ladies. So I suppose if speaking to is fucking, then looking at his going off with. Please do write in if you would consider yourself a youth and you know what they mean chirpsing. Pulling is what you said in our day. Oh, pulling. Yeah.

I said, we said in the north going off with. Going off with. Pulling didn't really make any sense. Because a lot of the words get missed up between like, are you flirting or are you physically smackaroons? You know, smackeroon in their lips. And that might be what they're saying. And that's, anyway. It's speaking to him, it's fucking and it's smaccarooning.

Yeah. So the point of all this is to say that should you come with this information to the people you wish to smackeroon in your life, whether or not they have a cervix, they will be, they'll smaceroon you. They'll smaceroon you. Because it's just nice to be informed about how the human body works and also like how the health service works and how things work and everything's interesting. Yeah, guys, everything's interesting. Everything interesting. Loads people just switching off. Swades of people have gone.

Now, what's weird, though, is that normally before we do the episode, we like to talk about the most adult thing that we've done this week to make ourselves feel better about our lives. However, mine is very on-brand clinical and also hideous. Oh, please, Jeremy. And in the past, whenever I've thrown out my absolutely hideous business, there's been a lot of, you know, that's disgusting. But then we've had lots of messages from people saying, like, I've had that.

It was nice to hear someone talk about it. This is not one of those things. Okay. Tessa, have you ever, I'll just go on with it, have you ever had to do your own stool sample? Oh, you're looking at a lady well-versed with a stool sample. Yeah. So I haven't. And I had to do three separate ones last night.

And the doctor was like, how have you been diagnosed with IBS if you've never had to do a stool sample? I was like, I don't know. And he was like, you've got three coming. And he gave me these pots in various descending smallness. One of them, I'm not joking. The, let's say the neck of the opening of the tube, you could get a cotton bud in it and that was it. So it was like, okay, here we're going.

And before I just launch into my adult thing, which is essentially I did it, I'm, it's bad, isn't it? It's very bad. Some of the instructions of how to catch you, own stool. So I at first was like, oh, I'm going to just shit in the tube. But how did I shit in that tube?

Because the next two small, you do not shit in the tube, guys. That's not what you do. I've tried to shit in the tube. Yes, so did I, Tessa. So I tried to do it. It was like, this is genuinely, I think the worst thing has ever happened to me, apart from that time I blocked the toilet that I told you about. But actually, this is worse.

The options they gave were cling film your, so they said, don't try and shit into the tube, A, we only need a small amount. What's the small amount? We'll never know. What's the small amount? We'll never know. They should have a clear line on the glass to be like this much shit, please. This much shit, please.

Thank you. Or as I like to say, stool, brackets, poo. Every single time they said stool, they would bracket's poo afterwards. Like, I'd forget and be like, but does this mean a chair? Does this one mean a chair? The options were, cling film your own toilet, but make sure there's a bit of a dip in it. It's like, that's going, that's sliding off. Then the next thing was use a grape carton.

Why so specific? Bracket's empty. Oh, okay, so shit in my grapes. Okay, fine. Do I take the cling film off the top of the grapes before I do that? Then the other one was... Bugler, I want to show in your hand. Yeah, yeah.

Which I was like, part of me wants to do that one because that sounds fascinating, but again, I don't think I can. I chose a carton of an old El Paso soft-shelled tacos. It's something like taco horns and their little pouches. Anyway, it's essentially a grapecon. I screamed the entire time. We are so like, it's just poo guys. You've got to talk about your poo.

Like, it's a, you know, like, come on. The moment you've got a shit into a soft shell taco packet. Did you, where did you put the soft shell? Under my asshole. Right, okay. But you didn't like put it on the floor. No, I'm in the toilet. Like I held it.

Yeah. Like a dog, but a dog wouldn't even do that. No, it's a very alien thing to do. Yeah. Then it says, And then hand it in your local cheape. They don't give you an envelope. It's like, I'm not handing in a see-through jar of my own poo at the reception.

So I put it in a little envelope and put Stevie, wrote, I was like, I don't have to write on it. Because I wrote Stevie Martin, I don't know, stool, brackets, poo. Fucking hell. Yeah. And handed them both in. It's very confusing. And, you know, I would say there is no right and wrong way. No.

I try my best and if you're doing it, that's what you could expect. And try and your best too. Tessa, what's yours? Oh, I'm obviously not going to do any. Oh, what? I'm just leaving you there. Just do like a little one sentence. Simple. Got my car insurance sorted.

That's great. We don't need to know any more about that. No. Boring. That's all. That's it. Boring. Also, not true.

Haven't done it. Okay. Must do. Please remind me. Okay. She says laughing hysterically. So, this one. today is an email request and also we love your emails please do write to us she says weird request

exclamation mark which you can tell you know it's not it's not going to be a weird request it's not going to be a weird request my friend but can you do what on how to have a smear test question mark exclamation mark by our book nobody panic or listen to the audiobook we've got a great chapter on it is a great chapter on there but you're absolutely right we haven't done it we haven't done it we haven't done a podcast on it she says i'm 35 so i've obviously been having them for a while but it's things like do you have a wax two question marks how can you relax and not be all tense loads of stuff I can't think of right now, but basically I hate having them. Brackets, I know I'd obviously hate having cancer more, exclamation marks, certainly.

Always. And so I just, I really resonated with the email because you're like, yep, those shoulders are high, the anxiety is up there. It's a very scary and full of questions, you know? Well, often it's scary as well because you're like, well, what if they find something? And then you have to do the colposcopy thing. And if you haven't had that, you could think it's really bad, but it's actually it's the same as having a smear. Well, I think for people who are like, sorry, sorry, that's too many questions. No, of course.

I mean, you're saying too many words there, Stevie. Absolutely. Let's start with the her thing. I'd hate cervical cancer more. Yes. I think let's start there with the like, you go in and it is very easy. Inside it in this country, everybody is called up for a smear test. Everyone with a cervix is called up for a smear test at the age of 25.

Yes, onwards. Onwards. So from at the age of 25, you'll get a letter being like, congratulations. You made it to 25. Get your legs in these stirrives. Get those legs in these stirums. I'm coming up there. And of course, you're like, you're like,

Like, holy God, what if, what if, what if, what if? The thing is as well, it's very important to say is that everybody's makeup is different. So some people are more sensitive. Some people will have different experiences. But like, on the whole, people will only go on a message board and write if they've had a terrible experience, like an abnormally strange experience. Absolutely. And then when you Google it, that's basically all you see.

And then you're like, well, this is going to, this is going to happen. Absolutely. Absolutely. So nobody takes the time after a test to be like, I'm going to just going to go. going to update the people that I found that fantastic. Yeah, it was fine and there was nothing to say. So if you start Googling and please do not start Googling, there will just be horror story after horror story, terrible things that were found, bad experiences, all of this stuff,

because that is the only people who go on there to write. There was also 90% of people. It was unpleasant and uncomfortable, and then they went about their day, and there was no side effects and didn't find anything. And I think I'm right saying the unpleasant, uncomfortable thing, because that was the thing that really got me, people were like, it's uncomfortable, it's not nice,

but it was like, yes, but be specific. Like, what do you mean unpleasant and uncomfortable? And it's like, actually, the reality is everything around it is unpleasant and uncomfortable. And the actual moment of getting your smear is actually okay. But it's just everything around it is so scary because you're like, you're up my faf man or woman or whoever's up the faf. They're there. You don't want to spend any amount of time with someone poking around your vaj the medically. No. So that's the unpleasant, uncomfortable thing, I think. And also it's the fear of like, what if, what if they go, oh, okay, there's swimming in there, we're going to have to ramp it up a level. You know, what does that even mean? So there's so much unknown specifics. So let's put people's fears at rest.

Yes, I will. So here's some facts that I wish I had known before I got my, because I got, I've had two smear tests that have had abnormal. smear results and I've had to have then a couple of coposcopies and I've had a number of biopsies and then it's been sort of like okay from there so I've not ever had cervical cancer because so around 5% of smear tests you'll get an abnormal result which is around 1.6 million people so that's quite a lot of people but there are only 3,200 new cases of cervical cancer every year so those odds are very good the thing is is that you just presume if it's abnormal oh my god I've got cancer You don't. There are loads of different reasons why you would get an abnormal smear. One of them, for example, I think the most common reason for an abnormal smear is if you have HPV, which is human papillomavirus, which you're like, oh my God, I've got HPV.

Hello? I've got HPV. Tesla's got HPV? Me and Tesla regularly bonin, that's why. We're passing it to each other, back and forth on the baton. The HPV relay. Does HPV go away? No.

Then I still got it. So it's one of those things... Completely benign. Lives with me like an unassuming housemate. Happy to have him. And if you'd like to know any of some of the symptoms I've had with it, patron.com for a situation

nobody panic. One of those harrowing stories I've ever told. I won't go into that now. So HPV just to explain people with like, well, what do you have got harrowing symptoms? It just sits there completely benignly, much like Varicella Vostok complex, which is what cold sos are.

So if you're prone to cold sores, the virus lives inside you, completely benignly, and then sometimes in stress and cold weather and whatever, it might flare up again. So that's what it is. It's just sat there, mind in its own business, and then sometimes it might decide to become something else.

With some people, it could be like, you know, they're like, you can look at it up, but none of the side effects or symptoms are anything other than just like a bit annoying. They're not, you don't actually become ill from my HPV. Most of the things it does if it wants to do it. So for me, like in touch with it, but like it currently is just sat there not doing anything. If it does want to do something,

the chances are it will be something extremely. Extremely benign. Yeah, like genital warts, for example, which is not nice, but it's like it's certainly just not going to kill you. Which is really, really fixable stuff. So don't freak out. And 80% of sexually active adults at the time of recording this have it. That number is going up all the time because basically, because it's so benign and it's

not really, like, it just sort of sits there. So it is unfortunate that HPV sounds extremely similar to HIV. Oh my gosh. And obviously being told that you have HIV, you know, so it's just totally understand while people freak out and it is a very, very scary experience, but keep your rational, wits about you. Absolutely. And then in very rare signs, people with HPV, like myself,

will show signs of cells that can develop into cancer. So that's what I had. I had cells that if left might have developed into cancer, not will have done, not was definitely, not could. Like, very, very rare. And that's one of the abnormal results that you can get, which you go like, oh my God, so I mean, I have cancer in a bit?

Oh my God. But it doesn't. It absolutely doesn't. And we'll talk about what happens when you have an abnormal test in a bit because it's actually, if anything, more simple than having a smear test. I want to do a little bit of, and now the science. Gabrielle from Desperate Housewives. And she'd be like, here comes the science. Not from L'Oreal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Gabriel-Ales. Um, for gone on, Eva Longoria. I think, stop me if I'm wrong, listeners. I think she used to say, and here comes the science. Like this. And now the sciencey bit. Another sciencey bit. Anyway, it's not really some science. But just a really interesting thing that I didn't learn to my third year of university. And I was like, why doesn't everyone know this?

It's about how cancerous cells mutate. It's that in your body, you know that thing about being like, every seven years, you're a totally different person. Like, all your skin cells have regenerated. Okay, okay. So you've got to throw every seven years you're just implicated in person and just expect me to just sit here. So sorry, your cells regenerate at a rate about every seven years. And so you're completely new cellular person. Okay.

You're obviously the same person, of course. But so your cells are in this constant regeneration. And so they're constantly mutating, basically. And the word mutation sounds terrifying, but it's just what it's doing, you know, it's just a constant turnover of staff. And in your genitals, in your organs, there's more, there's a higher rate of turnover. Like, it's rare to hear of, like, elbow cancer because, like, there's not a lot of regeneration going on in the elbows. Interesting. You know, but you're like liver, the bits, pancreatic.

The bits cancer. The bits, the bits cancer, cervical, breasts, like all this stuff, it's like constant movement. And then if you add in, like, smoking, that, of course, is faster mutation. So it's like you're spinning the roulette wheel multiple times. And then if you're in one of the key areas, you're spinning even faster. And then if you add in smoking, you spin even faster. So you're just, like, increasing your chances that one of those things spins onto a mutation that's not a good one. I see, right.

Lots of mutations hoping it's not a bad one. Yeah, we're just upping the amount we're spinning the wheel slightly by having. having HPV in there. Understood, yeah. But not cataclysmically, not awfully, just like, everyone's like, be aware, this one's spinning at a slightly faster rate. Always be aware when you're spinning at a faster rate. So, in terms of smeared tests, let's go through our experiences of like what it's like,

essentially. Please. I feel like both of us have stuff to offer here, so we should alternate with the things rather than in the chapter, in the book, it's mine, but please. Yeah, I've also had the whole works, the corposcopy, the biopsy, the full gamut. I've seen it on the screen. I've had everything picked out. Oh, good Lord. Remove, bits out. Okay, so you get called up. You go in for your thing. It'll be at either

at the doctors or it will be in a special sexual health clinic. There is something... In a hospital. They're in all different sorts of places. There is something like deeply, everyone's just like so witty, polite and quiet in these places. And everyone is themselves, like, not me. I've done nothing wrong. And everyone else's like, you fucking pervert. Everyone else here is a fervat. What are you for something fucking weird? In sexual health clinics, yeah, yeah. Who's here for something perverted?

That's all you want to know. Who's got to be stuck up with their ass? Yeah, it's got something up in their ass. I know it's you. So it has this like weird, very silent thing. And then you get yourself in, you're sitting waiting and you just get yourself like more and more worked up. Then you go in and in my experience is just like an extremely lovely person who has done already like 20 of these today. and 1,000 million in their career.

And you can ask for a specific gender. If you want a specific gender, obviously, it depends on the amount of staff that they've got. Yeah, but they absolutely can do it. It might as much as they tend to always be three lovely West Indian women. Right. The amount of times they've been extremely lovely ladies from the West Indies, you know? And I don't know if that is just the catchment area of London that we're in specifically.

But we're like, God bless them. And they're so jolly. Yeah. And they've often got things tacked up on the ceiling. There's one that has like a picture of fish, tacked up like an aquarium. And at one point when I was having my biopsy, I was really frightened.

And for the smear test, they were like, you can count the fish. And I'm like, I don't need to count the fish because I'm fine. And when it was the biopsy, I was like, one, two, three. I felt like out screaming out loud. Didn't need to because it was absolutely fine. But the fear.

The fear is so, so massive. I've been for several. And then my most recent one when I went in, Also, I was particularly nervous because they were like, I'd moved a dress a lot of time. They were like, got contact. They were like, where have you been? We've been trying to contact you for ages. You've got this abnormality.

And I was like, oh, fuck. But it would be absolutely fine. Anyway, when I went in, it was a gentleman. And then I just burst into tears. And I was like, I'm so sorry, you seem so nice. It's just the shock. I didn't know you'd be a man. And he was like, that is no problem.

I can get a lady. And I was like, no, I'm very brave. Oh, you see, at that point, you could totally, because you don't want to make them feel bad, but there's something to know. Like my friend's a doctor and he's a man and he also is O'Gine and he was like the amount of times people ask is constant and he's like it's not a personal affront. Like they feel that as well. They're like I hope this woman is okay with me doing this because they're a professional. They're not like being creepy. They're not like hurt that you want a woman. Yeah. No, it's so fine. And also like just come in straight out with your like, I'm extremely nervous because I should think most people do say that or are nervous.

so there's no point pretending you're not, and they'll be like, hey, chill out. And then they can say, do you want a chaperone? And that will be another even more jolly, kind lady. Yes. My lady was called Betty, and her job is just to hold people's hands in the chair. I didn't even get asked for chaperone. There was just two chaperones there, one either hand. They saw you coming.

And they were like, get the double chaperone, please. There was like three, when I walked in, there were just three women like, hey! And every single time I've gone in, there's just like a group of excellent women. One of them's job is to talk to you and say things like, so what do you do for a living? And then just ask you loads of questions and then the other one is just holding your hand. Holding your hand.

And then the other one's right between your legs. Right? It's just, and that is, sometimes I think about going to do it as a job. Like I just think, I just love it. And I would love to hold people's hands and chat and say you're doing, you're being so brave. No medical experience needed.

You just hold the hand. I'm really good at that. Yeah. And then if they were being too much, I'd say, come on. And that's the bit where the turn happens and you don't need that when you've got your voucher out. And then they'd be like, no, you're right. Thank you. I did need, you know, in your fantasy.

Yeah, yeah. I'd start crying, but that's good. You're already crying, and I say, you're going to be so brave and this is nearly done. Come on. Come on. Anyway, so then everyone starts using words like hop and pop and pop and pop up. It's just put your trousers off, put your trousers off, and put behind that curtain. And pop behind that and then hop up onto the thing.

Yeah. And it says a lot of this are playing high-end language. And we all start to get a bit more nervous because the higher-pitched words have come out. And also, you've got your bottom out. And crucially, you're butt out. Now, important number one. And also, if you listen to this in real time, you fucked it, but what are you wearing? Maybe a dress, maybe a long, long t-shirt, something that you're, when those trousers come down, you don't want to be like, oh wow.

Yes, I was wearing a cropped jumper and mom jeans. And so when I took the jeans off, I, the jumper sat, somewhere around my belly bod. It was like, Woody the Pooh. It really was Willie the Pooh time. Just porky pigging out there. It's so bad. It's very upsetting, yes. The more layers you can get on, the better.

And then up your hop, and then you have, oh, please. Before we hop up. So, before we hop up. So I want to address the should I wax situation. Of course. So every single time I've had one of these, because suddenly I would realize at the last minute, like, and I haven't sorted out my pubicca.

I'd say, like, so I've been traveling for six weeks. Every time. Why? So they would be like, well, of course you could have a wax when she was traveling. But then the problem is then they asked, yeah, I know. And you just. Yeah, what are you talking about? Because I was frightened that they would think I was a stupid woman for not having my wax every three weeks, like I thought every single person was doing at that time.

I've been travelling. Rather than being like, I'm sorry, I haven't wax. And then they go like, well, that's fine. I wanted to give a reason why I had, I don't do this anymore. I'm saying when I was very young because I was so nervous. They're doing all this amazing stuff for me and I couldn't even be bothered making myself look presentable, basically. Turns out, obviously, I didn't need to do that. And pretty much every single person would be like, oh, it's fine.

And I actually, one time, I was like, it's fine, you should see mine. That's what I love. But I still do apologise. Of course, you don't have to do that. You don't ever have to apologise. But if it makes you feel better, then there's no problem. So don't get into tears being like, oh, I shouldn't apologize. I've let feminism down by apologising.

Like, if you want to wax, obviously do it. Yeah. You want to apologise, do it. You should not feel that you have to in any way. No. I cannot stress how many front bottoms they have seen today. Some gnarly front bottoms as well. Nile as shit. Real bad ones.

They've seen, no, there are no bad front bottoms. They've seen... If the word, they've seen them. But they've seen them. They've seen all kinds of stuff. So, like, don't stress. It does not get any way of the equipment. It's not going away of what they need to see. It's not any kind of problem that you do not need to worry about it.

And I share with you one of my favorite stories. This is from Sheila Broomhead, my grandma, who some of you who came to the Manchester show will know. Oh, fair. There's grandma. Somebody elderly was staying with. daughter and so it was not on their own home and needed to go to a gynaecological appointment. And she came out of the appointment and got back in the car with her daughter and wasn't really

saying anything. And the daughter was like, you're right, mum. And then she was like, he said, oh, lovely to see you've made an effort, Mrs. Cheetah. And she was driving on. She was like, what did you, what do you mean? And he said, I don't know. I don't know what he meant. I got in the stirrups. He looked there. And he said, and this woman, you know, elderly woman. Yeah. Lovely to see you've made an effort. Oh, God, you should never comment on. I don't know. And so they got home and they were like, what on earth happened?

And she was like, well, I did spray. I didn't want it to be any smell. So I did a little spray of deodorant that I found in the bathroom. She was like, what deodorant? So they go in the bag, she says, show me, mom, show me which one. So they go in there, and she's like, this can. It was the teenage daughter's body glitter. There wasn't She had spray

Glittery Glittery That is the only time Why you shouldn't Make a comment You're like, don't comment You have to comment You have to comment

So this is when I say Like do not stress About what yours looks like Don't think about Whether you need to do anything Like you can't imagine The stuff they've seen You don't need to worry about it

Okay you're up You're in the stirrups The Stierips for me Is the worst part because I just want to keep closing them up, my legs up again. Always. And you're like, I hate it, I hate it. Your body will be like, run, obviously run,

because your body rightly is like, this seems like a terrible situation to be in. Yes. You just have to be like, thank you, body for your information. I will be breathing through this now and just give yourself 30 seconds to be like, okay, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Yes.

We're okay, we're okay, we're okay. And they will keep telling you to relax, and you'll be like, this is the least relaxing situation I've ever been in in my life. They'll keep telling you to scoot your bottom down closer to their head and you don't want to go close to their head because you're like, it's my vagina. Why would I go close to your head?

And they did it every time with me until it feels like absurd. I'm so close to their head that they do need to see and they're asking you for a reason. But the relaxation thing is the hardest. That's the key, isn't it? Because the worst part of it is, it's like you know, the more tense you are,

the worse this is going to be. And so it's a horrible fire being like, please body, please, please, please, please relax. So then they put in this thing called the speculum. And the speculum is, I had a lady once, who was like, I think it will help you calm down if I show you what I'm going to use. I said, I don't think that's true. And then she got up the speculum.

It's got a little sort of, it's like a wind sock thing. So it does open and close. And she went, hello, I'm the speculum. Yeah, that's not helpful as it either. I was like, please fill that down. I don't want to see anything. I'm just going to shut my eyes. That's opening in me, is it?

Right. So it's like a plastic dildo, is it. It's a penis. And then it pops. And then it sort of, it's not painful. It's not painful. You just feel like. It's not painful, no.

You just feel like you've got a massive fadge. That's just what's happened there. And always remember, and I think it's so important to remember, A, you can ask for varying sizes. Yep. Your vagina is created to expand. So if the speculum hurts, your brain is just kind of freaking out.

Your body will not freak out if you just let it accept the fact that think about a baby's head. The spectrum is no one near. So you are well within the comfort zone. Of that area of body. It's just not a nice. Obviously, it's like a giant tampon. Imagine maybe three tampons shoved up there. Fine. They loop it up. That's not a nice thing either. It's very cold. There is, I've definitely had them be like, okay, we can't even get it in. You need to breathe out. Betty, hold Betty's a hand. But once you've got through and it is in, then you're sailing.

Yeah, because you're frightened that when it goes in, it's going to go really far in and hurt or it's going to open and hurt. And actually, it doesn't hurt. All it does is it feels like, you would just prefer them to take it out. Yeah, it's a very, very weird feeling and it's hard to explain. And then when people say like, what do you mean uncomfortable? And you'll get there and you'll be like, oh, yeah. Well, it's just like a nurse has just put a dildo up you. You're like, well, I'm okay. So do your very, very best to breathe through it.

Nothing's going to happen to me. I just need to mentally detach from here. Count the fish on the ceiling. Chat to these ladies if I can. And also like ask questions, like if you need to. A friend of mine, the lady got up there, got the speculum. And then she went, oh gosh, do you know? And my friend went, yes.

She was so, like, panicked that it was something embarrassing. She was like, yeah, yeah, I know. And then for honestly, years she'd be like, what was she trying to say? So I just be honest that you're like, I'm sorry, I'm so nervous. Please, yes, I want to ask the questions. Yes. Okay, so then I think what they put in is a sort of a tooth brush

or a tiny little wife. It's like a tiny toilet brush. And they do it, and they do it while they're chatting to you. And then they say, that's done. And you're like, oh, right. Yes, so this is the thing, because they say, you know, we're going to scrape. And they don't scrape.

They sort of just brush it and you can't really feel anything. Yeah, so what's nice to know is that the actual end thing that you're frightened of that all this palava is for is actually the least invasive part of it. No, 100%. The moment you go, oh, can I? It's done. And then you feel like, oh, the relief is incredible.

The relief. And then you get to go to the pub or have a treat or whatever it is you're going to do. And you must get a treat. For what is the point of having a smithist? You must have a treat after a treat. Like it is, as with so many things in life, the anxiety is 8,000 times worse than the event. And of course it should be, you're so vulnerable and everything.

Anyway, so option one, after this tiny little scrape, they say, fantastic, beautiful cervix, well done you. You've smashed it, see you in three years. You have to go back in three years. Do not mess about. Yeah. Option two, they say, okay, okay, nice little high-pitched voice again. This is the bit where you're suffering. And then you get a letter a couple of weeks later that says abnormal smell.

Nothing to do with factual cells. The service is fine, but you do. smell dribble, and then you have to go back in for the colposcopy. Yes, yes. And the coposcopy, the frightening thing about that is that that is the unknown, isn't it? And also it involves a camera. So you're like, oh my God, the thing is, I didn't know and I wish I'd known, you know what the speculum feels like, because you've just had, you know that, you know that. Nothing happens outside of the, the, the speculum going in. The spectrum goes in, the camera remains in the speculum, has a little look, doesn't go through your

cervix doesn't touch your cervix it's just having the specular them in for a little bit longer and by a little bit longer I mean maybe like a minute or two like and they put dye onto your cervix and take pictures of it to see where the abnormal cells are you can't feel the dye at all they will ask there's a TV camera thing and a screen they ask if you would like to see it and I say no but now but I say yes because it's interesting it is and genuinely and I hope I can fill you with a level of excitement should you be up graded to abnormal cells. It is fascinating. It will truly give you like a new, you've never seen inside your body before. You've certainly never seen inside your front bottom. And like nobody could see what you could see there, lit up and everything. It's so amazing to look at. And you sort of come away being like, how dare I ever think my body isn't amazing? Like, look at it, go. Yeah. And also what's nice is nothing painful is happening when you're looking at this TV screen. So it's literally you're just looking at yourself. And also they've died it black so it looks like

your evil cervix, Darth's cervix. And then option A is they go, okay, we're going to go away and we'll look at it and we'll see what happens. Or you're fine, or it's low grade or whatever.

Option B is you have a biopsy. And this is the thing where I, like, completely had a meltdown because it's a needle in your cervix and they remove some cells. And that is not nice. But then you've had it, right? Like, tell me if this is the same thing

as you experienced. She said, breathe out. I breathed out. And she went, done. And I was like, oh, for God's sake. Yeah. Right. So I was, and I felt absolutely euphoric after that.

Because I was like, I've just had a needle in my cervix and the cells taken out. And I was big girl and didn't even feel it. And yes, the needles now are so sharp and small and thin that you genuinely don't feel it. You don't feel anything. And this is the point. They are so unbelievably quick at it. And if it is a pain that's like, it would be like a very short. short, sharp pain that you're done.

Yeah. We're out of here. Yeah. And also I should also say that like I honestly didn't even feel anything. It's just the thought of it is so much worse and that's why they do it so quick. But if that's the worst thing that you can expect through this process, there's no reason to not go. It's also, I think, kind of good, there will be stuff in your life where you'll have to go and have like, you know, maybe worse things. And this is a good practice, a low level practice to be like, okay, so this is the most invasive sort of, you know, a little check that I can do now.

Now, how could I learn to be calm with it? Yeah, it's bad, but it's nowhere near as bad as anything terrible, you know, not catching anything. Yes, absolutely. And having something nice to do afterwards, even if that's... Compulsory. Grabbing a nice coffee, but at the time when you run back to work, like, it's all nice. Have somebody come and meet you afterwards, you know, just like plan your day around the aftermath that you don't come out and be like, oh. You're like, oh, it was a big brave girl.

I was big, broke girl on a sticker now, please. Yeah. Yeah. Get somebody to get you a sticker afterwards. Absolutely. Yeah. And hopefully that a little bit. some of your fears or illuminated what happens during a severe test of people that don't have

cervixes, you know? A bit of fun. A bit of fun. And yeah, now you're, everybody feels a little bit more informed, a little bit more confident, a little bit more calm and, and good luck out there. Good luck out there to you and your cervix. Messages at Nobody PanicPod on Twitter if you've got any episode suggestions that you'd like us to do. And what's the email address to us? Quick, quick. Nobody Panicpodcast at gmail.com. Yes. There she is. We'll see you next time.

See soon, baby.