Nobody Panic - The Nobody Panic Guided Run

Episode Date: May 14, 2020

Welcome to the Nobody Panic Guided Run! This is a twenty minute run with Stevie and Tessa, otherwise known as Coach Bennett and Coach Randy. Whether you’ve done ten IronMans, you’re building to a 5k, or you’ve never run a stride in your life, this guided run is for you! Put on your running gear and we’ll see you on the start line!Recorded and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive Productions.Photos by Marco Vittur, jingle by David Dobson.Follow Nobody Panic on Twitter @NobodyPanicPodSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/nobodypanic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Carriad. I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdo's Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival. The date is Thursday, 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com. Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September. At King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet. Welcome to the guided run. I'm already too excited.

Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Nobody Panic, guided run. This will last for 20 minutes, and you can run along with our motivation. Our, of course, being Stevie and Tessa from Nobody Panic, but for the purposes of this guided run, Tessa will be known as Coach Bennett, and I'll be known as Coach Randy.

And if that doesn't fill you with confidence, I don't know what will. This is a guided run. Don't stop running. I mean, don't stop running if you've already started, but you don't have to start just yet. We're going to do some admin. at the top. It's not clear what the guide is. Do run, don't run. Who's to say? No, don't, don't run just yet.

This is just to say it's going to be 20 minutes. And if you're thinking, I can't run for 20 minutes. I promise you absolutely can. So this is going to be for everybody. If you've run an Iron Man or if you've never run a single step in your life, if you're a total beginner, this is for you. Even if you hate running like me or you've never run, this is for you. Should I be doing this guided run? No. This is for Stevie to listen to coach Randy back. after this. That's why it's very important for me to have a persona, so I'm not listening to myself telling me to run. Yes, this is 100% for us, but in the future. Okay, go and get ready to run. Hope maybe you're in your gear already, in which case, plow ahead. If not, go and put your gear

on, lace up your trainers, press pause, and we will see you on the start line. Welcome back. Thanks for getting your gear on. Thanks for pressing play. Thank you for doing this run with us today. And thank you for not, may I say, leaving after that first five minutes. Thank you for sticking with us and believing in us. I don't know if I would either, Coach Randy. Before we start, though, me and my esteemed coach Bennett would really like you to just take a breath and put anything you're carrying with you today to one side.

The row you just had, the meeting that didn't go well, the worry, maybe you had a dream, maybe had a weird dream like I did. But I do know that I'm going to leave that behind whatever's going on. We're not saying, like, completely let it go, but just pop it down for one second. and just compartmentalize that. Yeah. Just stick it in your locker, like at the beginning of a race,

get your little band so you can open your locker afterwards. Maybe there's going to be a special truck with all the bags, and that's going to be picked up at the finish line. So I don't have a pound to put in the locker. That's okay. They're free. They're imaginary, so they're totally free. So just sometimes we start a run thinking like,

oh, I'm going to clear my head. I'm going to get rid of it. We don't have space to carry that with us. Okay? So pop it in the locker for the duration of this run. It's just you and me and coach Randy. Are we ready? Here we go.

Count them down, Randy. Okay. Three, two, one. You did it. You did it. You're running. You did it. You crossed the start line.

You look, if I may say, incredible. Good Lord. You look absolutely. I'd like to compliment you, if I may, on your gate. It's strong, it's powerful. You're running. Now, the first bit, when you first start running, I don't know if you're all failing this now.

It feels like, oh, oh, well, that's. But what will happen in the next few minutes is you'll settle in, you'll just settle in, and it'll start to feel more and more like, was I ever not? Haven't I always, in a way, been running? And what we want you to do right at the beginning is just slow it down. Just like take a foot off the pedal, just back it up, just ease into it. Just go gentle, just go slow. Let's cruise it down.

And you'll be thinking, what, this slow, yes, literally that slowly. Just slow it down. I will say, if you're not a regular runner and you're starting, enough now. Get down to the sort of pace where if you slowed down any more, you would be walking. Literally that slow. And you're going to think, well, that's absolutely, this is stupid. I can't go. Yes, yes. That's how slowly we want you to go. It is stupid, yes. It's running. It's really dumb. No, we want you to be going that slowly because we don't care about how fast you go. We don't care what you look like. We don't care how much distance you cover. All that we care about is that

you keep running, you keep putting one foot in front of another, and you stay with us until the end of this run. That's all we're going to ask of you. You've got time in the future if, you know, this takes you fancy to push yourself, but this is not about pushing yourself, is it? This is about doing something positive for your mental health, positive for your body, because you might think, well, I could certainly run quicker than this. Okay, sure, it's slow, but it's better than sitting down, isn't it? You're still expending energy. You still get in the old blood pumping. You don't have to be like dying at the start. You've got, you've got a way to go. You're going to feel a lot more comfortable with the time because of how slow you're going. Exactly. I can do this all day,

baby. Exactly. That's what we're looking for. That is what we're looking for that moment when you're like, I can, I can keep this up. I can keep this up because what happens when we start running and by we, I mean me, is that you set off at the absolute fastest pace you possibly can because you're full of energy and you can and you want to impress people. So off you go and then you run for 100 metres, a flat out. And then, as it happened once on New Year's Day, you're sick in a shrubbery bush at the end of the road. And you have to go home. Okay? So we're starting things slow, much like being a child star or using a lathe. Do not go too hard, too fast. Tessa brings up, sorry, Coach Bennett brings up the concept of a lathe so often. And I still have yet to know

what it is. But I don't want to know, Coach Bennett. I don't want to know. The important thing is you do not want to go too hard too fast because then you burn out and then you're the Olson twins or Lindsay Lohan you know so just best of luck to them they both listen all three of them best of luck to our top three listeners but we and I hope they're running along with us and we say to them as we say to you just you know ease it in ease it in because what we're doing here when we're easing into the run is we're giving your lungs a chance breathe in through the nose out that's it big chesty breath that's it because when you start like your lungs are like a balloon and when you start going to blow up a balloon, perhaps it's a birthday party. Who's to say what you're doing it

for? You never get it on the first go. You always have to stretch the balloon about a bit. Then you do a blow. Then you get like a little, a little, a little baby balloon. And then back would go again, another bit of a stretch. And then finally we can get the balloon. And those are your lungs. So what we're doing right now is we're doing the baby balloon, the little stretch is we're giving the lungs a chance to become a whole big balloon. Wow. And I just want to draw attention to some notes that Coach Bennett has written in this guided run. Other things in life that start slow. Things heating up in a pan. I really enjoyed that. After, I couldn't think of anything else that he needed to heat slowly. You've nailed it. You heat things slowly in a pan. You're blowing up your air balloons. And also,

I find it very helpful when in the starting process of running is getting into that rhythm of when you breathe in and out. So it starts to become almost like a trance-like state, you know? So there's nothing, worse than running and you're sort of breathing in and out in all sort of erratic ways. No, you want to kind of fall into that rhythm. So the sounds of your breath and the sounds of your feet are rhythmic rather than very chaotic. It's chaotic. We're looking for rhythm. We're looking for calm.

We're looking for all. Here we go. It's lovely. And let's just take a moment to say, look at you go. Like, well done you for running today. Unbelievable. And thank you for running with us. We're both running while we're doing this.

Oh, yes. You can't tell because we're so good at it. but we're also, we're running along. Okay, you've done your lungs. You've, you've given yourself a mental pat on the back for taking the time to run today. And now let's start looking at your form. Okay, so we're going to start with the hands and the shoulders.

I bet they're probably in tight little tense fists because that's how I always start. So undo those fists and shake your hands out. And then get that shake going all the way up to the shoulders and let those down. Let's release them. Yeah, I always want, I always, whenever I'm running,

my shoulders go very, very tense. and actually the moment you kind of you relax them a little bit and you kind of just see them as it's just friends the whole the whole process becomes a lot easier and also the moment you you unclench anything you just feel calmer whereas if you're clenched then you're telling your brain I'm in I'm not having a nice time whereas the whole thing about this is guys we're having a nice time aren't we're having a nice time here we're doing okay we're doing okay and keep telling your brain that And also your brain can't tell the difference between a natural smile and a fake smile. So if you want to just smile at things, your brain's like, oh, I guess we're having a good time.

So any time you think, this is bad, actually, give a lovely smile on a wave as though there's just somebody in the crowd cheering you on. Smile at that tree. Smile at that tree. That tree doesn't get enough smiles. Also, if you were worried, which is something that I sometimes feel, that people are looking at you, that you run, maybe you run like Phoebe from friends. Maybe you do. I do. I remember once I went for a run at university and my housemate saw me and laughed and tried to take a video because of how ridiculously I ran.

Did that stop me? Yes. Yes. Should it have? No. No. And I have then returned to running since then because I realized that whenever I see anybody running, regardless of how they look, what they're wearing, what they're doing, what their gate is like, great gate, by the way. good point to check in with that.

I always just think, God, yeah, I should run. Oh, yeah, running. That's great. I don't go, how silly is that person for doing exercise? It just makes you think about, you wrote, so anyone looking at you or anyone who is out there while you're running is only thinking, oh, yeah, I should run. Oh, that's, yeah, they're making the most of their day. That's all they're thinking. That's literally all they're thinking.

So that in mind, get those arms shaking like they're a piece of spaghetti. Give yourself a few strides now, like Phoebe from Friends. Run it out. Run it out. Nobody cares. We want you to relax. We need those limbs to start working. Like, let them all go. That's it. May I add? In your kind of fun bit, this is known as the fun section. This is Coach Randy giving you an instruction, just giving you some coaching. You're going to now, you're going to break into a little, a little side step. Do you know what do side steps in PE? We're going to be doing some side steps to the left. Big arms open wide like a starfish. Big grin on your face just to show the world.

that look, you don't care. You're just going to do what you like, actually. And now we're going to go to the right, keep on side stepping. Also, it's a nice different movement to kind of shake your body and kind of get rid of any tension that might have built up just from the sheer fact of you having started running. So, sides of it. And now back into your rhythm, back into your normal running forward rhythm.

You look like the footballers warming up on the side of the pitch. Everyone's just thinking, that's probably a professional footballer, which is in their downtime. Yes, I love it when you see. see someone out in the wild, in the park, and they're doing some sort of movement. And I would, I'm always so often too frightened to do a movement, you know, like to do like side stepping or even just like burpees or something out, out in, in, in, in public. But again, all people think is, well, she's doing some sort of sign stepping thing.

That was really help her running. They're thinking, an athlete prepares, they're thinking. An athlete prepares. Possibly, they're thinking, they're probably doing the nobody panic guided run. And now me, coach Randy, I'm going to give. you some interesting facts about running. So you can feel connected to the process, just to give you a little bit more motivation. Now, some of them quite surprising. So running, so what you're doing right now, you are working out 26 bones, 33 joints, 112 ligaments, and a bit more vague,

a whole network of tendons. Too many tendons to count. And that is just by running slowly. you're still running very slowly, you are still working out that amount. It's ridiculous. It takes 200 muscles to take one step when you run. Let's just take a time to thank our bodies. Wow. In a way, I genuinely would not have been surprised if the fact was, it's just your legs and nothing else. Not true. It's your whole body, it's your core. And also feel all those muscles as well. You can feel your core tightening and your arms are pumping, but with your relaxed, relaxed way. Coach Randy, my mind is blown. My mind is also blown.

Wow, Coach Randy, thank you. And let's take that knowledge that we've gained about our body. And let's put that right down into the legs. Okay, so we're thinking about the legs now. What I want you to do here is I want you to think that the, let's start, because I bet it's starting to think like, hmm, this is a run now, actually. I'm actually, I wouldn't mind stopping. Okay.

So let's start thinking we're bouncing, okay? the ground is like a trampoline or a lovely sprung floor and just want to take these big, bouncing, big strides. Think about going up in the air as opposed to going forward. Like, you're an antelope. On a trampoline. Like you're an antelope on a trampoline. Exactly. You're a deer, you're just, you're light, your, you know, you're other things that are light, Stevie. Oh, a running feather. You're a, you're a feather. Exactly. You're just, you're light and your, springy and you're taking these lovely big strides. Perfect. And now let's imagine that you're in a

training montage in the movies. You're at police academy and you need to do that thing where they run very fast through the tires. Okay? Oh yes, with your legs up a bit. Legs up a bit. Legs are slightly going side to side and you're running through the tires. So you don't need to go through like 10 tires or something, but off you go through the tires. I'd like to just point out here, not that we're keeping track, but you've done 10 minutes already. So now it's time to turn around. You're on the home stretch, baby. Holy moly, you're going so speedy. You're doing unbelievable. You're doing unbelievable. Okay, let's keep thinking about those legs. Now let's start getting the soles of those feet up higher at the back.

So let's imagine that you want to show the soles of your feet to somebody running behind you. That's how high I want those legs to be going up behind you. Maybe you've got a note on the bottom of the soles of your feet, and you want the person behind to read it. And how are they going to sing if they're that low? Get them up. They can't read the note. Get them up.

Get them up. Okay. And it can be quite tricky. You might be thinking, this is actually quite hard, and if you're not familiar with it, take a moment now to do one leg and then to go arithmically, and then maybe every third stride and then the other leg. So you're going left, then right.

Or maybe every fifth stride that leg is coming up, because it can be hard to do every every. single, every single strike. To clarify, is that like, step, step, step, show your soul, step, step, show your soul. Is that what we're talking? Sorry, yes, thank you for clarifying. Randy, that's exactly what we're looking for. So maybe you're going soul, soul, soul, soul, holy shit, well done you. Maybe you need to go soul, step, step, step, soul. Or maybe it's every fifth, every third, every tenth, but like let's get that rhythm going. And you might find yourself sort of bouncing a little bit to the side. You might be visualising you've got a

ponytail. That's the sort of energy of this like, oh, I'm really? I'm quite, I'm perky here. So just take a moment, get into the rhythm. Take a couple of seconds here, just trying that. We're going to go quiet for a second and try and get into that rhythm. Oh, my God. Such, you've got soul. Oh, Randy. Oh, you're straight to my heart. Wow. The whitest, the whitest thing I've ever said. Oh, baby. Sorry, we were just, sorry, we were just watching you there for a second and you look incredible. This running star is, might just say, wow. And can I just say, I've read every single note on the bottom of your souls.

I can read them, baby. You look fantastic. Okay, keep it up if you like, but just, you know, back down to that nice cruising, gentle rhythm. You don't need to keep those souls up. You did fantastic. I know how it feels to be like, ugh, running. But the closer and closer you can get to that mental part where you're like, oh yes, I can just keep this up. And you're already over halfway. So if you've come this far, then you can definitely, definitely finish. That's it. There's no way. you can't finish now. There is no

way. And if you start thinking, I can, I can, I'm really, I'm really out of here. Just keep with one. Go slower. Go slower. Slow it down. Slow it. Even slower. Even slower. To the naked eye, it might look like a very fast walk. With a bit of bounce, with a bit of bounce.

As long as you keep that bounce, it's technically running. That's it. That's all we're asking of you, just one foot in front and the other. Just keep that, that technically it's still running. That's all we're asking. If you fancy, you can, maybe start to, and this is only for those that feel quite confident at this point,

you can maybe start not upping the pace too much, but maybe lengthening the strides a little bit, because that will inadvertently up the pace, but you will be doing less amount of strides per second essentially, or per minute or per hour. Exactly right, Randy. And so you've blown that balloon up, you've put the groundwork in, you've got yourself to this place now that you're ready to be like, okay, we're turning from home and I'm ready now to start lengthening and to start making my form look good and get my pace going. Okay, so what we're going to imagine is that your crush, somebody that you fancy,

is about to turn the corner in about 30 seconds. Okay? Maybe it's somebody famous. Maybe it's somebody that you're literally married to. Maybe it's somebody from work. Maybe it's the person that you would most like to see when you are looking at your absolute dreamy best and you're going to be like, oh me. Oh, sorry.

Yeah. I guess I just run now. Oh, sorry, my fantastic form. Yeah. I guess that is me. That's what we're looking for here. And so when that crush turns the corner, we're going to do 30 seconds of the most impressive form

that you've ever run. As though somebody is like, oh, sorry, I'm missing my model for this running catalogue I'm trying to take a photo of. Could you just run for me? And you're like, yes, I can. That's how good I'm going to look now for the next 30 seconds.

We're going to go, three, two, one. There's me, crush. They are looking at you. They're looking at you. Oh my God. You look amazing, but they're still looking at you. But they're looking at you with this whole admiration in their eyes now. Like, is that the person I used to know?

Because they've turned into a running person now. Wow. They are like frozen in the spot. They're looking around being like, is everyone, is everyone seeing this? Like, they look incredible. And keep it up, keep it up. Let's keep those arms, the chest is up. The eyes are up.

The arms are up. They're pumping. Slight smile? Slight smile? Just to say, like, yeah, I do love this. The hands are going all the way from your hip, all the way up in front of your eyes. and that's how much arm distance were going to be using. Did not know.

That was a thing. Yes, that's how far they're going to be going. The hands need to go all the way back to the hips all the way up in front of the face. Always learning from you, Coach Bennett. Always learning from you, Coach Randy. Okay, bring that pace back down. Bring it back down, back down to that cruising, gentle run.

You've turned the corner now. The crush can't see you, but let me tell you, wow, they're impressed. Yeah, you have made one hell of an impression on that crush. They're reeling, if I may. And as you're just buzzing off that high of how much you just impressed your crush, there's a mandatory advert coming up.

Take this moment to just drop the pace back down, relax back into the run, shake it out. Randy's probably going to insist to do some side steps. Maybe I will. It's up to you. This is your time. Here you go. Here comes the advert.

Hello again from the other side. I hope you're doing well because you look like you're doing well. If you want to shake it out by doing some side stepping again, I'm not going to stop you. You want to do a quick impression of Phoebe from Friends? Do it. Shake it out. Now, just as a bit of like distraction, I'm going to run through some fun facts that I found, and none of them are about running,

but it just gives you something else to think about while your body does its excellent work in that strong, solid rhythm. You're almost like a robot, you know, you're almost like it's just doing the same thing, you're going into sort of a trance-like state, moving those arms, moving those legs. Your mouth produces one litre of saliva a day. Hello? Yeah, I came in hard. I came in fast with that fact. Now, human bodies emit light. We actually glow, but the intensity of the light is a thousand times lower than the sensitivity of your naked eye. So we can't see it.

Time for your glow up, honey. So what's the last? After every fact, I've got sort of a lame sentence. So that was a good one. What was this one? Oh yeah. If you folded a piece of paper 42 times one single piece of paper, it would be thick enough to reach the moon. That's exponential growth.

What are you saying? That's the fact. I know I believe you. Yep. That's what exponential growth is. So one piece of paper goes double. Then when you fold it a second time, it's four times more, isn't it? So then it only takes a very short amount of go.

You wouldn't physically be able to do it because the paper would stop being able to be folded. Right. Theoretically, if you could, the next time you fold it, that's eight times. The next time you fold it, that's 16 times what you've already got. So by the way you folded it 42 times, that's so massive, you would be able to just walk up that paper onto the moon. Look, you've already done, that has killed a minute of running. And I bet you haven't thought about running once.

We weren't thinking about running, were you? No, no, clams have feet. Do you know that? What you see poking out of their shell? It's not a tongue. You'd think it was a tongue because they look like little mouths. No, it's known as a foot because it's used to dig in the sand. And then my little sentence I got at the end of that is,

fancy a game of clam football. Wow. Can I just say, wow. I've got one more. Oh, there's more. Right, a million seconds lasts 12 days. But a billion seconds, which you'd think, it's not far from a million, that lasts 32 years. Maybe spend the rest of the run, just turn us off and spend the rest of the run working out how many seconds alive you are.

And then by the time you've done that, you'll probably need to run again. Well, while we used up some of our seconds there doing some mental maths, we're cresting towards the finish. line. We are so close now to the finish. You've done unbelievably well. We're incredibly proud of you. Are you proud, Coach Randy? Yes, I'm so proud. I'm so proud of you, listener, that you're doing so well. This is how we're going to finish this run. We are like we started, we started slow, we started easy so that we could give ourselves the chance to finish so hard and so strong. And this is how I want you to end this run. Okay, you're going to imagine if we've just done the form run where we were doing the most impressive form we've ever done. This is going to be running like an assassin. We're going to run like we're Tom Cruise

in literally any movie where he has to run. We're going to be running like we're James Bond, like we're Jason Bourne, like we're any kind of assassin. We're going to go eyes totally focused on the horizon. We're going to have the arms pumping in front of the face. And remember those hands are going to go from in front of your face all the way down to touch your hip. And that's how much that shoulder is going to stretch. The feet are going to be coming up. They're going to knees are going to be coming high, you're going to be showing your souls of your feet the person behind you, because that's where the secret message is for the assassins. Co-assassassins that you're communicating with through your souls of your feet.

You can imagine it's that powerful, strong, intense running, where it's just you and the run and you're just going to run this shit down. Okay, here we go. Okay, here we go. Third seconds to the finish line. Let's finish this race. Let's go. 20 seconds, you're going so well.

You've got to stop that bomb. the instructions the bomb were on the sorts of your feet. Hang in there. Keep running. Let's go. Fifteen seconds. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Hands in the air like you're in Rambo. Is that right? I've not seen it. But I imagine he puts his hands up at some point. Where he runs up the steps in...

Is that Rocky? Rocky. I was thinking of Rocky. Hands in the air. Like whoever you fancy. You did it. You look incredible. You did so. so well. You hung in there with us this whole time. Oh, you should be so proud of yourself. You should be. I'd say do a congratulatory side step at this point. I think it's not. A stationary sidestep. Come on. It's time. You all know what coach Randy wants. Take a moment at this point, whether you're wearing a watch or not, just like check it and like breathe about.

And so to be like, oh, yeah, probably then just say, uh, probably a PB. Say that a lot. Just say that a lot. Just say that. Get that. A lean on the wall with one hand. that's good. One of those, a lovely little stretch and then go, ah, it's PB. Say that again. After everything you do today, you have to say, ah, PB after it. Time to do your favourite stretch from P.E. Lunge about.

Come on, we've got you this far. What do you want from us? Lunge about and say P.B. That's it. And that's running. No, but do get yourself nice and warm. Get inside. Be very smart.

This smugness should hopefully last you for at least 48 hours. It's not two years. You don't need to come back to run with us again for another two years. Get some water in there, get some fluids, have something lovely to eat and just feel incredibly proud of yourself. And if you have got to the end of this run, send it on to somebody else, somebody that you know who maybe doesn't like running, who thinks they can't do it, say, if I can do this, you can do it.

They will be absolutely baffled by this if they don't know who we are and haven't listened to the podcast. imagine just getting this with no context. And then we've just got Coach Randy and Bennett to lead a side step and talking about clams. All we ask of you is that you send this to somebody who has no concept of the podcast. Look, if that's not too much to us, we think they'd really, really like it. And if you enjoyed this, I think do tweet about it and tweet us and let us know because I think I'd like to do some more. We'd like to do some other kind of guided things.

We're thinking about guided meditation, things like that. We could do another guided run. that's helpful. Up the distance. Who's to say how far we can go? Two hours of this. I listen. I could do it. Randy, there's no doubt in my mind that we could do it. That's not the concern. If you've just run, please take a picture of yourself and send it to us. We'd love to see. We ran. We do not give a shit about how much distance you covered or how, or how fast you are, anything like that. We only care that you ran. That's all we asked of you and you did it. We're so proud. And we're so grateful. Thank you so much. Well done. That's all from us. Thank you. And well,

Bloody done.