Nobody Should Believe Me - Answering Your Season 4 Questions with Producer Myrriah

Episode Date: October 3, 2024

Welcome to our Season 4 Mailbag Episode! We’re so excited to officially introduce our fabulous producer Myrriah Gossett, who works tirelessly behind the scenes to keep the many moving parts of Nobody Should Believe Me on track.  Andrea and Myrriah reflect on their experiences reporting for season 4, ethically navigating survivor stories, and the considerations involved in sharing the intimate details of someone’s real life. They also address questions about the show’s coverage of dissociative identity disorder and several other common themes from this season.  * * * Links/Resources:  Check out Myrriah’s other work! https://www.myrriahgossett.com/ Mental Illness Happy Hour episode on DID: https://mentalpod.com/archives/7042 Preorder Andrea's new book The Mother Next Door: Medicine, Deception, and Munchausen by Proxy Click here to view our sponsors. Remember that using our codes helps advertisers know you’re listening and helps us keep making the show! Subscribe on YouTube where we have full episodes and lots of bonus content. Follow Andrea on Instagram for behind-the-scenes photos: @andreadunlop Buy Andrea's books here. To support the show, go to Patreon.com/NobodyShouldBelieveMe or subscribe on Apple Podcasts where you can get all episodes early and ad-free and access exclusive ethical true crime bonus content. For more information and resources on Munchausen by Proxy, please visit MunchausenSupport.com The American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children’s MBP Practice Guidelines can be downloaded here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

True Story Media But one piece of news that I am excited to share is that the wait for my new book, The Mother Next Door, is almost over. It is coming at you on February 4th from St. Martin's Press. So soon! I co-authored this book with friend and beloved contributor of this show, Detective Mike Weber, about three of the most impactful cases of his career. Even if you are one of the OG-est of OG listeners to this show, I promise you are going to learn so many new and shocking details about the three cases we cover. We just go into so much more depth on these stories, and you're also going to learn a ton

about Mike's story. Now, I know y'all love Detective Mike because he gets his very own fan mail here at Nobody Should Believe Me. And if you've ever wondered, how did Mike become the detective when it came to Munchausen by proxy cases, you are going to learn all about his origin story in this book. And I know we've got many audiobook listeners out there, so I'm very excited to share with you the audiobook is read by me, Andrea Dunlop, your humble narrator of this very show. I really loved getting to read this book, and I'm so excited to share this with you. If you are able to pre-order the book, doing so will really help us out. It will signal to our publisher that there is excitement about the book, and it will also give us a shot at that all-important bestseller list. And of course, if that's simply

not in the budget right now, we get it. Books are not cheap. Library sales are also extremely important for books, so putting in a request at your local library is another way that you can help. So you can pre-order the book right now in all formats at the link in our show notes, and if you are in Seattle or Fort Worth, Mike and I are doing live events the week of launch, which you can also find more information about at the link in our show notes. These events will be free to attend, but please do RSVP so that we can plan accordingly. See you out there. Calling all sellers.

Salesforce is hiring account executives to join us on the cutting edge of technology. Here, innovation isn't a buzzword. It's a way of life. You'll be solving customer challenges faster with agents, winning with purpose, and showing the world what AI was meant to be. Let's create the agent-first future together. Head to salesforce.com slash careers to learn more. So I am here today with my fabulous producer, Mariah Gossett, first time on the mic. It's true.

Yeah. Well, you've technically heard me like in the background, I think many car drives. That's true. That's true. We have some ambient Mariah audio from season four, but this is your first time. Officially. Officially here. So happy to have you.

And as you can see, if you happen to be watching this on video we are here in the same place IRL it is so exciting we are same time zone what a treat it is a treat a few less things to coordinate um and we have been in Seattle for the last few days doing field reporting for season five. Is it going to be a doozy? It, you know. They all are. They all are. And that's like an appropriate adjective to use for these sort of things.

They are the dooziest of doozies. And I think every time I go into a new season, which now this is our fifth season, every time we sort of dive into a new case, I'm like, oh, this is the craziest one we've covered. And also, I think that the big, one of the biggest lessons from season four is that you truly never know what will happen when you go into a project like this. So I wanted to have you on today, we're going to do a mailbag episode. So we're going to talk about some of the feedback that we got from season four and answer some of y'all's burning questions. But before that, I just wanted to introduce you to our listeners officially, and learn a little bit more about who you are and what you do. Yeah, so I am a producer um I've been working in podcasting for the last like 10 years which um you know I'm very thankful for since it's still like an industry that um I think it's

really still only like 20 ish yeah well actually at podcast movement this year they celebrated the 20th anniversary of the very first podcast going live so that So you've worked in podcasting for half the time it's existed. So I feel very lucky to do that. Everything from very little indie shows to live storytelling shows is kind of where I started cutting my teeth. I did radio in college as an undergrad and made a bunch of weird, fun little stories because I went to art school and that's what you do in art school. And then afterwards, like a good millennial, I got my master's in production management, which means I love spreadsheets and timelines. And I think Andrea can attest to that. And I love that for us because I do not love spreadsheets or timelines. I like a timeline,

okay, but not a spreadsheet. You are just an absolute icon in terms of organization and have been so, so helpful keeping this very complicated to track show and production schedule and all of the various things that have been going on. Keeping the trains on time, if you will. Yeah, and then I've been really lucky to work on some really fun and incredible shows. I worked on a series called Fogo, Fear of Going Outside for Spotify Studios. We did two seasons of that. It is a show that follows a comedian who learns about the outdoors, even though she hates it. It's a lot of fun and comedy, but it also has a lot of like deep history about like why do outdoor spaces oftentimes not feel welcoming to people of color? And like, what is the actual

history of hunting why do we have hunting licenses why do you have to pay to go camping so like we we kind of explore a lot of these like deep rabbit holes there and you get to follow along um ivy lee the host journey as she finds all that out and so i've done a lot of field reporting with that show which was like incredible experiences experiences from like, being silent in this in the freezing winter while trying to wait for a deer to show up to sweating while camping in July in Central Texas. So all of the extremes really. And I have to say your, your outdoorsmanship came into play unexpectedly during this trip. Yeah, when we found ourselves in a situation of having to phone up a bat rescue

because we found a very tiny, very adorable bat. Hanging out on a little dock. Yeah, at my parents' house. And Mariah was like, I got this. We'll give him a little water, let him hang out. We moved him into a tree like the bat rescue said. And, you know, I hope he is living his happy little bat life. They're important little pollinators.

You know, you got to keep them around them around and honestly they're stinking cute he was so cute he was trying so hard to be so ferocious i know he was like but he was so teeny tiny we use gloves don't worry there was no emergency rabies shots that happened i can hear some people's like blood pressure going up just not necessary um yeah and then i've worked with um lemonada Media on shows called Being Trans and Being Golden, which were kind of like our foray into the unscripted reality space. But in podcast form, I worked as a segment producer on those shows and had a really incredible time working with that entire cast and crew to take 600 hours of tape per season and whittle that down to entertaining six episode arcs, which was really fun and interesting to learn like that really intense craftsmanship of unscripted spaces from from some of the best in the biz, the EPs on that show, Casey Barrett and Sally Leota are industry vets like they had spent like 20 years in the real world and like 11 years on the

Kardashians and they had done series for like A&E and so really got to see like I think the bigger scale of what something like a show like that could look like um and then I've also worked on series for Wondery I know y'all did uh Hysterical which I got to be a coordinating producer on which was a really cool um like way to be a part of that process and see how that show was made yes we did we uh dr becks and i have done a couple episodes on patreon of about hysterical because there was a lot a lot of interesting crossover themes yeah totally some definitely yeah definitely a lot of things that i think crossover audience appeal for sure extended nobody should believe me yes very that um and then yeah empire city which just

came out is a co-production with wondery and crooked i was also the coordinating producer on that show um and that is a deep dive into the like full history of the nypd so starting back in like the 1800s and all the way through so a deep history show and we talk a lot about also law enforcement and um you know policing on the show as well. So yeah, lots of overlap and interesting things. And then on the lighter side, I make a really silly comedy podcast called One of Us with Finn and Chris with Andrea has been a guest on. If you want to see a very different side of Andrea, if you're ready for ridiculousness, silliness, if you're like a comedy bang bang fan, if you like, like big, silly improv comedy

moments, then that is definitely a show that you would enjoy. But I'll say it's very absurdist comedy. So just be prepared. Truly the most fun I've ever had recording a podcast. It's a good time. Was a guest there. Very, very happy. We explored the freezer of the bear. Yeah. Yeah, I had a blast. Well, yeah, so you obviously have an incredible resume. I wanted to just do a little like BTS on how you ended up joining the team here at Nobody Should Believe Me. Your hiring was a bit more precipitous than I had originally planned. I was talking to you sort of just with a loosey goosey like, oh, you know, future season.

It sounded very casual. Yeah, I got like a colleague of mine from Spotify reached out to me and said, hey, are you are you taking on work right now? And I was like, yeah, like I'm looking for projects. Let's see how the timeline works. And and then I got an email from Andrea and it was like then we scheduled to Zoom. Yeah, then we had like a nice Zoom chat. And I was like, you know, I listened to like some of your other work over the weekend I binged being trans I

absolutely love it highly highly recommend that um very like moving funny informative very sort of human human centered yeah yeah so really loved your work on that and obviously you know with uh joe being trans and know, in this season, I was definitely looking for sort of help with that, with understanding that lens and really, really doing all of that justice. And just, you know, was very impressed with your work as a documentary style producer. Also listened to Fogo, also loved that. And then my next message to you was, hey, can you come to Minnesota with me in five

days? Yeah. And I remember I walked out to my spouse and I was like, okay, I either just got a job offer, or I'm being flown out to get murdered. Yeah, because you know, you want to make sure to be working on a true crime podcast. You don't want to be in one. Ideally, yeah, you don't want to end up in one. So you did seem extremely chill about that request. And you're like, yeah, I got my field kit. Like, I'll be there. But yeah, I mean, was that a little bit, was it a little surprising?

I mean, it was, it was surprising. But in the world of like documentary stuff I think it is that like sometimes you just have to get up and go there's like two there's like two like speeds of documentary work where it's like the slowest molasses like you're waiting for people to respond to you you're waiting for sources to be able to talk to you you're like waiting for approvals from people to give you money to make the thing like which is most of the waiting process of anything in the documentary space and then there is that like we have an opportunity and we have to go um so it kind of like on season two of of fogo we had tried to that series was all about hunting and we had gone out

hunting multiple times but unfortunately i mean fortunately for animals and like um you know trigger warning we're talking i'll talk a moment about animal death, but the host had never been able to actually like make the choice if she was going to fire or not fire on an animal. And I felt like as a producer, you can't make a whole series about hunting and not have the key element of like, do you actually kill an animal not happen. And so we had gone out twice that had never like an animal just didn't show up which is very typical for hunting if anyone hunts you know that happens a lot um and then we got a call from someone we had spoken to way early in the season who happened to have been a um a contestant on naked and afraid and it now works as like an expert guide takes people out for like elk like multiple week elk

elk hunting trips like this really like going out hunting with him should have cost us like thousands and thousands of dollars and he was just like I'm really into making this happen for y'all it's the last weekend of deer season in Oklahoma do you want to come and he called us on a Tuesday and said can you come on Saturday and we'll go hunting Saturday morning and we said bet and so we packed up the car, flew our story editor out from Los Angeles, picked her up. Like we started, we drove up on Friday. We picked up the story editor at the airport in Dallas on Friday, finished the drive to Oklahoma, went to bed at like midnight, got up at 3 a.m. and went hunting that next morning.

Wow. So again, like I was like, yeah, shocking, but also not. Yeah. Also kind of hard for the course yeah and I mean I think it's been you know just a sort of little glimpse into the overall behind the scenes of of this show you know I spent years making the first two seasons and that's sort of more typical for this sort of format usually yeah it takes me like a year to make most shows yeah yeah and so it because you, you have to do like all kinds of things.

You got to do public records requests. You got to track down sources. You've got to, you know, and so we, you know, we spent all this time making the first two seasons and then the show really took off in the second season. And so then that enabled like there to be a production budget to make more seasons. So that wasn't, you know, we weren't in that position prior.

Sort of waiting around for like, is funding going to come in or not? But then it's like you sort of have to figure out how to now make this show and sort of keep it on the air. And, you know, it's really like just sort of behind the scenes on podcasting, taking huge breaks the way a show like Serial does or, you know, some of these other is not. Limited series are really expensive to make and very hard to profit off of. Exactly, yeah. Which means you all should listen to limited series multiple times and really drive up those numbers and add revenue. Yeah, and share them, rate them.

Share them, rate them, all those things. Because, yeah, it does take a lot of time and a lot of money. And you hope that the stories are, I think, almost anything I've had the opportunity to work on on I've been so lucky that I think the stories are so important and I'm so glad that they get to be made um and it's like you know I talked to other creators in the space and you it's like people will tell you something they've been working on for years and you're just like how is this not out yet and it's just because it's like the the magic of hitting the space at the right time and the right place where people are going to listen to it and people are hungry for that content and like the gatekeepers of the content are willing to like give you the yes because they do cost money to make and so you know I'm so lucky

to work with you and on this show that has such a great fan base that are like continually listening and listening to all this other content because that means we can go out and do these deep dives and spend I can be here for a week in Seattle and talking to people because a big part of this is building trust with people like trust in the people who want to tell you their side of the story trust in like the sources you need to get things from trust that you are not just mining people for their story to to make quote-unquote content like I really appreciate that you always take the lens of like, we believe our victims and like we want to make sure their stories are told in a way that is sensitive and

that is correct and that we're doing our best to like make sure the whole story is told. So yeah, absolutely. Well, I appreciate all that and and appreciate you all because why truly would not be able to do this. And this is now my full-time job. And like, it's a big job and it's a complicated show to make. And I just feel like the luckiest person in the world that I'm able to do it and keep it independent because, you know, as I've alluded to before, there was some real drama around this show in the beginning

when I had originally sold it to a network and it became very clear very fast that that was not going to be a viable route to make the show the way that I wanted to make it. It can be difficult. And I think what was so special, particularly about like, if we want to jump into Joe's season, I think, you know, to have a survivor who's willing to tell you their complete story and also be like, and here's what it's like to just be a survivor as an adult. And to to me that was what was interesting to explore this season and i'm glad you were open to like like and your listeners as well were open to

go into that space because i think so often these stories the you hear the beginning the middle and then like the i figured it out i was i was unfortunately a victim of this abuse um and then it's like but then what happens right We very rarely get the but then what happens? Yeah, yeah. And that was just like, I mean, this is, this was a really this, this particular season of the show was, you know, they're all they're all really important to me for their own reasons. But like, this was really important to me, because, you know, the subject of the center of it, Joe is someone that I care a lot about, that I'm really close with, and who is just like very important to the community. And, and yeah, I think it's, you know, what Joe has brought to the advocacy side, to the professional side, you know, with all this other sort of stuff

that we do together with the APSAC committee that we're both on and the Munchausen support, which we both do, do some work with, is that there has never been this kind of visibility into Munchausen by proxy survivors. There has been so little. They have not been studied as a group. There's one study we talked to Kathy Ayoub, Dr. Kathy Ayoub from Harvard, who's a committee colleague who is working on a long-term study, but that data is not yet published. That's really the only one. There is one memoir about Munchausen by proxy by Julie Gregory, but it came out about 20 years ago. So these are just stories that are not out there.

And so this group of survivors that has really sort of coalesced around the committee and Munchausen support and the show, and Joe is really at the center of that, is so important to understanding how to help survivors. And given that we know that most victims are unfortunately going to be raised by their perpetrator, like the likelihood of that child ending up in, separated from their perpetrator, uh, permanently, regardless of the situation is very, very low. And so it's really felt important, like in a really important piece of just the project of, of talking about this, this abuse on the show. A hundred percent. And I, and I think like, you know, we were, um, Joe was so generous with their

story and they, you know, obviously went through, um, uh, really tumultuous time especially at the end of the season and like um with the with the death of their of their parent and like um you know it was it was tough for sure but i i was i was always feeling so thankful that they were willing to talk about it and to talk so honestly about everything. And I think to illustrate like, there's no like a singular direct path in the healing process. And I think that they are a really great, I don't know if great's the right word, but just like an example, I think of how you can navigate that healing process and understand it's going to have like peaks and valleys throughout it, but still like be on the other side and the importance of community. And like, you know, I've been working on some other shows that just like, I don't know,

the importance of community keeps coming up in a lot of different spaces right now. And I think it's something that I really appreciated that Joe had this really lovely inner circle of people who were like, of course, we'll talk to you about how we love and support Joe. And then like, also how that can also be hard, like as caretakers of people you love and like, what that looks like. And the many mental health professionals that we talked to about what this kind of, you know, healing journey can look like and how it's going to be complicated no matter what. Yeah, absolutely. And yeah, I mean, I'm so appreciative of Joe for doing this with us. And it is like doing the field reporting for the show is one of easily one of my favorite parts of the show because it just is very special to like get to go and talk to people in person and sit down with them. And, you know, often we're in people's homes and we're driving around.

I mean, it's really like it's really a special and beautiful part of the show, but it is extremely intense. And, you know, we had had two conversations. I was like, I'm on a plane. I'll see you at the hotel. Yeah. And, you know, and Joe came with us to, to Minnesota to go on this, to, yeah, really like go, you know, back through their hometown. hometown and it was and it was just I was so appreciative of you like I was like okay Mariah's amazing showed up with this full like just popped out with your boom mic and your whole thing on and I was like we're like we're in producer black you know just like ready to go and I mean, that trip was incredible. Like, I think the biggest thing that stands out to me from that trip was getting to sit down with Crystal because, you know, I had been talking to we had we had recorded some of this audio previously with long time I knew I wanted to do it for the show for a long time it was originally supposed to be season three and then the Kowalski thing came over and took over my life and a large portion of my brain for many months and and that's also like

that's something I've been learning on the fly is like the oh this sort of production schedules and when you're going to tell a story it's just like there's a lot of moving parts when you're talking about yeah real real people who are in dynamic situations. So we had been talking about this for a long time. And Joe had expressed to me that they did not want to involve their sister because they had this sort of precarious balance. And it was just complicated. And it's, you know, I always want to be super respectful of those boundaries that people have because that's, you know, even if something would be good audio for the show. Totally. These are people's real lives and real relationships and it's not worth, you know, and I just never, ever want someone to be, if I can help it, sort of put themselves in an uncomfortable position. And so Joe really decided, you know,

Joe contacted Crystal while we were there, and then said, Oh, you know, and then so we we found out about that on the fly. And that that ended up being my favorite conversation that we had just so moving. So incredible. Yeah, I remember we went over and we were like, Hey, it can be like 20 minutes if you just want to talk like we and then I think we're there for like two hours um and yeah I felt very um you know uh like I just appreciated their their vulnerability in the moment and that they were willing to do that with strangers in the room and and we kind of talked about afterwards I think there's this interesting thing when you are a person with a microphone and it happens a lot um is that somehow then I think people then have the permission to talk like no one's asked what is your story in like a way where someone's

like I'm just here to listen I'm not here to judge the story I'm not here to give you feedback on the story I'm not here to tell you how to solve the story. I'm just here to listen to the story. And so I think that is something that a lot of like documentarians and journalists like we have to kind of sit with that people are like willing to spill their guts. And like you, I try to be as much of like a welcoming space for that. But then it's also like a lot to process afterwards as well. But you know i was so appreciative of how open and honest crystal and joe were in that in in that time that we were with them and that you know i think in some ways it's easier to be like oh i'm telling my version of the story to these people and i don't have to like have family make a judgment call on it and i think it really allowed for both of them to really like,

open up to each other in a way that I think is strangely unique in this industry. 100%. I mean, I, it's just a sort of sneak peek for season five. I mean, I ended up interviewing my parents. And which is not something that I ever like, you know, when we were originally having conversations about me doing this show that that was not on the table and that sort of, you know, evolved. And, and obviously, you know, I'm very close to my parents. I talked to them all the time. We've talked about the situation many times. And this was different, like to just sit in a chair and be like, we're going to talk about this one thing for this amount of time. And we've both carved out this time for this. Yeah. Yeah. And really just like, even for me, I think being in that,

um, the, the position of being the interviewer instead of just being in the position of being their daughter and talking to them, it's sort of like, it was really special for me too. And I think that that is my favorite thing. One of my favorite things about making this show.

And I think, um, you know, it was my first field reporting trip to Fort Worth when, you know, and for that, for that trip, we ended up we were talking to a lot of men and, you know, men love love y'all, but like, not always don't always find it the easiest to sort of sit down and talk about a highly emotional situation. And, you know, necessarily follow up with like, well, how did that make you feel? Right? You know, and then also, like, you know, necessarily follow up with like, well, how did that make you feel? Right. You know, and then also like, you know, Texas, it's like it's sort of these, you know, it's sort of more conservative, like, you know, just manly men.

Yeah, very set ideas of gender roles. Right, right. And, and so, you know, I sort of had this expectation was like, I don't know what these conversations are sort of going to be like. And, and I was so amazed by how much people were willing to share. And also just that was my I mean, I was a total rookie at that point. I'd never interviewed. I mean, this was like my first foray into interviewing people. I like to talk, I like to listen, I like to talk to people, but this was a different deal. And, and I was just blown away by by how vulnerable people were willing to be. And I was like, oh, this is really powerful, because people are needing to talk about this so much. And so that's just felt like such a special part of this. And, and yeah, I was really, I really felt like, oh, this is, I think it felt really special, especially because it was Joe. And it was like, oh, you realize that like, actually, my always my hope when I'm coming into someone's life to do to do this project with them is that we can

leave things a bit better than we found them. And I think I think there's every reason to believe we did here, which is just a really good feeling. And I know a lot of you guys were moved. That's one of the episodes that I heard the most about. That's one of the conversations that we got the most feedback on was Joe and Crystal and just how moved y'all were by that. Yeah. I mean, same.

It's really hard to not just like openly weep in front of people sometimes. I cannot listen to that episode too without, yeah. And it's funny I mean I think that's also it that's a sort of that's a sort of tool of the job right too is that you are hearing these really emotional things and like I mean we react yeah yeah absolutely sometimes but you're just like just like yeah because I'm like you're not here to manage my emotions that's like that's not what your job is exactly exactly um okay so yeah i mean the one uh the one other part that i wanted to just cover before we get into some of these kind of comments and

questions was just so obviously we had like the most massive curveball um which was you know and i think i thought kind of going into this season i was like well like this will be intense because it's intense material but we're on a healing journey and like you know joe's we're gonna wrap up with a really lovely final few episodes about how we can change systems and like you know and uh and yeah and like you know joe joe is on the whole doing really well and and have you know survivors obviously struggle with a lot of things and and joe has made so much progress since i've known them they're doing uh you know such great work and accomplishing so much with school and sort of all these major personal strides so it's like this is going to be uplifting it's going to be you know and then joe's mom died suddenly while we were making this show and um i like we

touched base right away and i was like hold that this is a this is a plot twist and i don't mean that in a way to be glib but like it is because yeah we dynamic storytelling yeah because like you know when once we start getting into the editing process we kind of know like the beginning middle event of the series you know some things might shift and move you know, when once we start getting into the editing process, we kind of know like the beginning middle of the series. You know, some things might shift and move, you know, like, oh, I think this this will be stronger if we put this here and blah, blah, blah. But it's like I by the time we're at this point in the season, we're deep in editing. I'm like, I got a plan. I know exactly where the series is ending.

We have all of our audio, all our audio. Like everything is going to be, you know, hunky dory in the post-production process. And then and yeah, and then that happened. And, you know, we, you know, obviously took emotional space to be there for Joe, because I think that's also a part of like when you are doing any documentary with vulnerable populations is like you let them lead like how this is going to go because it is their story. And so it was like giving them enough space to process and

be like you can send us whatever you want you can send us nothing and we'll talk to you in a couple of weeks and like figuring out what it looked like if we needed to take a gap and finish the last few but you know like we talked through kind of all of the scenarios and um we figured out like essentially like a um a storytelling plan if you will, of what we thought would be appropriate to finish out the series. Yeah, because we obviously it is very, you know, and Joe was very candid and vulnerable about sharing this in those final couple of interviews with them. But it is complicated and was, and I really appreciated your guidance in this. Having worked with some vulnerable folks before,

especially, you know, in like in your work on being trans and having followed them for such a sort of lengthy period of time, like things are bound to happen. And yeah, because I mean, I was, I didn't want Joe to feel pressured to keep recording, like if they just needed to go and deal with their grief, like that was fine. So it was like,

there was sort of the production challenge and there was the emotional and even ethical challenge, right? Like, I think you just don't ever want someone like, it's really important to me that, that we don't in so far as we can, you know,

help it like ever negatively affect someone's mental health. And there's also like, you know, there's, there's pieces of that that I can control. And then there's pieces that I can't because it is public. We do have a large audience at this point. You don't know how people are going to respond. Like there's just a lot of, it's a sort of a high wire act. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, you want to control the things you can control and hopefully offset any of the potential things that are outside of your control, right? Like how audiences react or how people interact with Joe on the internet, you know, like, and tell them that, like, hey, you can, you can talk to whoever you want to, you can talk to nobody, there's, there's no, there's no pressure from any of us. And,

you know, then we went back to sort of the drawing table. And we're like, okay, well, then who else do we really need to talk to? And like, we're like okay well then who else do we really um need to talk to and like we're like okay well let's talk to someone who can talk about complex ptsd and grief and like that's where we got carly uh carly oster involved who's a really great therapist in texas and um you know we really kind of put out the call for additional information um from like dr kathy iube and and her study and kind of talking about like, what do these, a little bit more of a bigger perspective, I think on like the loss of the parent who is the perpetrator, as well as like a little bit more of a bigger view of like how these perpetrators ends of life look like from that point on. And so it was like, yeah, just a

bit of a different approach for the last half. Yeah. And I loved talking to Carly and I always, when I'm talking to experts, I try not to turn it into a personal therapy session. But it's like, yeah, I think that is- It's hard when they're personable and they're asking you questions too. I know. And you're like, well, since we're here. Yeah. But yeah, I found her to be so helpful. And that was one of the things that, again, we got a lot of feedback. We got amazing positive feedback. You know, we're not going to address that as much just because like, it's not, you know, we don't, I'm not going to sit here and read all of the, you know,

all of the nice things that people have said. But that was one we heard a lot about was sort of, you know, I think one of the things about making this show, you do hear from a lot of people at this point who are specifically survivors of Munchausen by proxy or who've had a situation in their family um and those messages I am always so moved by those um and I just a note about messages um I it is difficult to keep up with them at this point um so always send them to the email that is the best place to get them actually through because that's the most it's just organization. But anyway, so I love getting messages like that. Obviously, that is a huge reason that I made this show. But we also hear from a lot of people who had narcissistic parents, who had sort of these other adjacent things where they see their experience so

strongly reflected by the people that we're talking to and get so much out of these conversations that we have about like complex PTSD and complex grief and what it's like to sort of go through that process because that is a really specific and different experience than grieving a loving parent so I thought that was just something that was really interesting to delve into yeah yeah it was um you know like yeah I feel very lucky as a person who has a great relationship with their parents and obviously like you talked about, like the day your parents go, it's going to, of course, be terrible and sad. But it's like, it's so much different when you're having to process, I think, these complex memories and situations and the abuse and like, but then you also still like, like, still love this person. Yeah, because they were your caretaker. And so

it's so complicated. Yeah. And I think that was really helpful for me to understand both from Carly and also just from talking so much through it with Joe, just getting that perspective. You know, that's not how everybody like no survivor is a monolith. And some people do feel just much more like anger, much more sort of like they don't feel an attachment to that adult in their, to their adult parent as an adult child. But that's not Joe's experience. And Joe's experience, I think, is also common. And I think that can be really hard to understand from the outside where you're like, well, this parent was so awful to you. You understand that this parent probably didn't feel an attachment to you or empathy for you.

Like, how could you still love them? And it's like, well, because that attachment formed as a child and you don't control that. Yeah, and so I think that was a really helpful perspective for all of us, just for anybody in your life who has a complicated relationship with your parent or if you have a complicated relationship with your parents parents sort of just really giving yourself some grace on like totally you know feel feel however you're gonna feel like it's all feelings are valid you don't

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free assistance call the connex ontario helpline at 1-866-531-2600 betmgm operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming ontario so i wanted to get into some of the so yes thank you for all the lovely comments lots of support for joe um lots of just like lovely messages about joe to joe um and uh and then sorry but we we had some uh we had some other sort of uh i wouldn't even necessarily frame them as complaints but we had some feedback feedback and so questions always the purpose of of me addressing these things uh just to say you know when you put work out into the world people get to feel however they want about it. You can hate it, you can love it, you can talk about things people hate that I make. You can talk to whomever you like, wherever you like about you, you know, you're not like, I don't read reviews, other than to sort of garner these kind of feedback, because I just am,

you know, I got to protect my headspace, but you're, people are entitled to say whatever they want. But I think it's when I, when the ones that I like to respond to here are the ones that I think are just helpful, helpful to sort of unpack the whys and sort of just give, give a view on our process. And if you still don't like it, you are entitled to do that. Yeah. I know. Now I want to put like a whole section on like my website that's just like all of the like stuff people like the really wild stuff people comment on like work that I've made oh just like hate for yeah like you know the hater section yeah like the yeah I was like I saw I saw one this morning about the like history of it's always always obvious to me too when people don't even bother to like listen to the series either um and those are the ones that usually I find actually funny and like you know because there's there's definitely valid all art is valid and all art is

um uh subject to the viewer and like everyone is artist objective right um so people have their different opinions but i saw one this morning about the history of police one that was just like leftist liberal garbage and i was just like did you actually listen to it though like yeah yeah the comments I can get that I that that I get that I can always tell people didn't listen to the show are either just like um a lot of ones on the Kowalski case where they're like what about the one photo in the in the movie where she her feeder turned in and I was like we literally address that in so much detail with court testimony it's like I was I'm not going to put that in an Instagram comment.

Because that's just not. You don't need to. Yeah. So I think, but you know, again, like that's people are, people can say what they like. So one of the things that I want to just briefly address, we did, and I know you had a lot of experience with Unfortunate Comments when you did the Being Trans series, which again, obviously from people who weren't listening to the show and probably are the people who needed to listen to that show the most, honestly. But we did get a couple of comments about most of ours were just sort of in the variety of people being irritated by pronouns.

And all I have to say to that is grow up. It's 2024. Pronouns are not that complicated. If your kids know what skibbity toilet is, then you could probably learn some new language. Yeah, like young people annoying you with their language is the oldest rite of passage there is. And I mean, I think like also just to say with that, like, you know,

it's like we did have a lot of people misgender Joe. And we sort of put the caveat there as we were talking to people who knew them when they were growing up and had. And we had a conversation with Joe because I was like, I will. I was like, I will literally edit out every time it happens. If that is what would make you feel the best, because it's like their story and their experience. And like, I don't want them to then have to relisten to a bunch of people misgendering them. Right.

But they said that they, you know, we had a conversation with them and they were like, these are all people who knew me from this time. And that was how I identified. And that is and they were like, and you don't need to do that and I was like okay I was like that's when I think is like so important when you are doing any documentary work with vulnerable populations is like you it's just about the conversations with them and respect and like in approaching their stories with them in lockstep of how not that they have control of how the story is is like portrayed like that's ultimately the job of the storytellers and the producers and all that kind of stuff but it's like i'm not going to go out of my like i'd rather go out of my way to make sure

that they feel seen and validated through the process then go out of my way to do the opposite of that right so like right and you have to make choices all the way through anyway so yeah that was a deliberate choice to leave those in yeah yeah and almost everyone would also correct themselves multiple times and be like she they sorry so this is right and so like at some point it's like we're just like however it comes out is okay i think and joe was in the room for almost all of these two and so they were able to have like a conversation with all these people and so yeah and that was that was an interesting dynamic for this season. You know, this is the first time we've put someone else in the conversation chair other than me. And that was like, that was really interesting for me to then be just in the producer seat for a lot of that field reporting. Yeah. And so we, we let Joe,

I mean, it's just like, it really is like, I encourage folks that are having a hard time maybe adapting to that because obviously it is new right like i didn't i'm in my 40s i didn't grow up with the i mean like when i was younger this this is this is a new thing it is a newer thing in language that is becoming more uh wide like widely used sure in the language i was just like yeah i was just like trans people have existed from the beginning of time that there's been the acceptance of people having multiple ways to identify and using different pronouns. That is that is a new newer conversation. And so it's okay if your brain is having a little it's taking a little time to adapt.

But I would just encourage people to think of it as the same way that like you would respectfully pronounce anybody else. Like if someone's called Robert and that's what they like to be called, you don't call them Bobby. That would be weird and obnoxious. So like that's, it's like, it's not different. Like if someone wants to use their honorific, if they want to be called such and such Esquire

and that's important to them, or like they want to be called Dr. So-and-so or if they prefer not to be called Dr. So-and-so, you just like, you respect that preference. That's all it's about. It doesn't need to be like, obviously it's been hotly politicized, but it really really does not need to be it's not helping anybody yeah i was like if you can learn your friend's new last name when they get married yes like it's it's kind of the same thing to be honest that's a really good analogy

and i actually have more trouble with that right because sometimes you forget but you're never doing it in like a malicious intent right and. And so we gave the broad outlines. Of course, Joe has done a previous interview with the show for season three, where they did share a little bit more of those details. But, you know, we didn't share a ton of detail about sort of every beat for beat piece of the medical abuse. And that isn't because we don't know those details. We have extensive documentation of that abuse. We have the medical records. Obviously, Joe also previously did an interview with a national, you know, which I know people's critiques of the doctors very valid the critique of the doctors, but it's like we yes, we have all their medical records we also spoke to their pediatrician who was the one

who initially flagged the abuse and like labeled it as such and like we included portions of that interview and I think you know um I I'm always so thankful that this isn't a show where I have to be like and then the murderer slashed their throat um I worked on those shows and it's not my cup of tea but it's um you know it's it's i think to me it was essentially being like well we one believe the victim and survivor and then two we do have all the documentation to back up their claims so we're not like loosey-goosey throwing this around right i mean i think you know it's always like there's there's and i'm also like they talk. I was like they talked about being medically abused.

And I think that was like enough in the same way that if someone tells you they've been sexually assaulted, I don't want the beat for beat of what happened. No. Yeah. Yeah. To exact to your exact point. And I think, you know, I first of all, yes, I'm inclined to believe survivors anyway. Obviously, when I'm sharing something on the show, I do have to have that documentation is fact-checked. And so like all of that did happen behind the scenes.

And I think like, you know, number one, asking someone to relive all of those details can be re-traumatizing. And also like we, again, that is kind of not what we do on the show. We do share those details in cases, especially when we're talking through you know an investigation or like something like that um and and part of

that is for you know part of that is like a legal issue right we have to sort of say the thing um but i always want to like you know i don't want to do like a lot of the problem of how this issue is covered in the media is that when it is covered at all, it's either covered as, oh, this was a false accusation. And again, I've never seen a story that was covered in the media of a false accusation that actually looked to me like a false accusation. So that's obviously problematic in its own right. And the other way it's covered is just a laundry list of all of the procedures that child had. The median coverage often includes photos of that child in vulnerable medical situations. And I just think like that is really

troubling to me. And so for this one in particular, because we were talking a lot about this season, you know, a lot of the focus of this season was Joe's journey as an adult. Yeah, and putting the pieces back together and joe's kind of gone through the process of putting the medical pieces back together and they've done that process themselves and um you know the thing to me that meant the most to me was joe re-listening to the season essentially using it as a tool as part of their healing process and i was like well if that's how this is being used potentially for for survivors then like then we did it you know like if it's listening to someone be like, I went through all these steps.

Here's all the steps that were still a struggle. But then here's how we make it to the other side of it. And that was what was interesting to me, at least as a storyteller, was I never hear what happens to these folks after the fact. And I think we've been, it's interesting. I think there's a new shift in a lot of documentary work to look at that i just saw there's a new i think like demi lovato just put out a whole thing about being child stars and it's sitting down with all of

them as adults and like what are they how are they processing it now what does their life look like now what were the repercussions of all the things they went through as children and so I think it is maybe a bit of a generational shift of there's like a lot of the people who were unfortunately abused are now people who have these potential platforms to be able to tell their side of the story and like what has happened to them in the years since of like what are the repercussions of all these things that happened to me and so I I think it's, you know, for Joe's case in particular, it's like we talked about them figuring out that they were a victim of munchausen by proxy. We talked about some of the medical appointments.

We talked to a lot of their doctors. Like you said, we had all of the documentation. And so we were like, well, I want to follow where you're going now and how are you putting your pieces back together? And that is about like, how do you reconcile with the family that is left that saw some of this happen how do you reconcile with the parent that wasn't around how do you how do you go back and thank the people who literally saved your life and like how do you then move through the system i think especially

for joe who is in school for social work and like is interested in helping other survivors and is actively working in the space, I think to them, it is like, how are we changing the systems? And where did the systems fail? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I think a lot of that was, you know, again, following Joe's lead, right? Like if Joe was at a different stage, which they again, part of this is that they've done this already, right? Like if if we were if we were following a survivor who had just had the moment of revelation and had just subpoenaed their medical records then we probably would spend more time going through all of that beat for beat but this that period of joe's life is it is still a piece of the story but it is it's not where they're at right now yeah it's like you

i've i've actually this is something that I've learned myself this season. I did a lot of interviews with other shows and I ended up telling my personal story many more times than being helpful. And that's no fault of the people who interviewed me, but just because I realized that, I realized that part of the reason I felt the need to share all the details

every time someone asked me was because when people don't believe you for a long period of time, you feel like you have to sort of like pull out the entire like, no, look, I have like every, you know, sort of like, here's the beat of the story. And I was just like, Oh, this is not actually helpful to my mental health to like, you know, tell the like, and here's the fake pregnancy. And here's this moment in that moment. And here's what she did, you know, and it's like, and I was like, oh, I need to just like stop doing this.

And so I think it was also just being like, you know, if Joe wants to talk about that, and that's helpful for where they're at. And if not, then we're not going to be like, but, you know, so what was the Yeah, because to me, it's also about like part of what I was so thankful they were willing to share is them essentially putting the pieces together of what do they actually need to process in like therapy, figuring out what because of what they went through, essentially, how do they manage their medical like how do they manage going to the doctor now and like that whole process for them was like big and took a while and like that was i think a part of the story this season was them going from being someone who couldn't even take a tylenol when they had a headache to like now they're getting treatment for the migraines that they are they often get you know yeah yeah and and i'm i'm so glad joe did walk us through some of that because that is something that is really a very very i

would say i'm not just common but like ubiquitous struggle for my child's my proxy survivors is trying to navigate their like you medical care in a body like you're gonna have to have medical care and it's so complex and there is like so much like self-doubt they get doubt from providers if they reveal their history to providers there's often a great deal of judgment people often think they're engaging in munchausen behaviors when like they're they're just trying to figure out like yeah and like the important thing which we always say on here right is like munchausen and Munchausen by proxy behaviors are characterized by deliberate deception. It's not being a hypochondriac, and it's not being confused about the state of your medical, like, the state of your body because you were wired to think you were sick when you were not. Right. And like those behaviors can be misinterpreted, but like, you know, there is

sometimes it's either like an extreme, you know, can sort of vacillate between, um, a sort of like extreme fixation on something that's happening or just like a complete, like, don't go to the doctor for years at a time because there's so much anxiety around medical stuff because of course there is. And so I think that was such a helpful thing that Joe was able to illuminate for us. And I know I did hear from other survivors who said like, oh, this is really like very validating to hear this. Because it's like you are still living in a human body. And while, yes, the big bucket of things that your abuser told you was wrong with you are 99% of the time is probably none of those things are actually wrong with you. But it's like, you potentially do have things that come up. And

also because of what you were abused with, it's like there's repercussions to all that stuff. There can be physical issues around. And I know many survivors that have, you know, I mean, like, especially in these extreme situations where people have, you know, like organs being removed. I mean, not to get into the gruesome, but like, yeah, it's like, of course those are like all of the stuff around food has repercussions. So it's like, I just, you know, if you find yourself having some of those reactions, then that is really important context to remember, like the, yeah, remember the context. So the other thing that we heard a lot about from folks this season, that was a really interesting piece for me to explore. And I thought, you know, it was such fascinating conversations

we had both behind the scenes and on mic about this is the is the DID stuff. So yeah, can you just talk a little bit about how we about how we approached that piece of things? Yeah, well, of course, we listened to how Joe describes it. And like, you know, that team did, we talked to their therapist, and then we talked to Joe, and then we were like, okay, well, we'll and then we talked to Jade, who's the peer support specialist that Joe has been using for some resources and some help. And we and Joe, obviously, is a person who knows a lot about the power of peer support when it comes to processing, processing things like this. And then we were like, okay, well, we also want to talk to some experts. And so we reached out to, I got on a call with Dr.

Sunny Lansdale, who came recommended to me by a friend who also works with other vulnerable populations and said that, you know, she was really incredible with her research and how she is really like, patient focused and patient first in her therapy modalities. And so, you know, I thought that was really important to look at first, because from we heard from Jade, and what we heard from, you know, Joe is that a lot of times that there's a lot of folks in therapy spaces that don't always one treat trans people, unfortunately, treat trans people with respect. And that can be a really hard hill to climb, especially with folks who are at that PhD level who maybe haven't taken the time to continue their education around different

identities. And so Dr. Lansdale came highly recommended. And she was great, but she is a busy, busy woman. She's like a researcher. She's running a practice. And so I got on the phone with her and just did some background interviews about how, how would you describe it? How do you diagnose it? And like all of those sort of things. And she was super helpful. And we did try to get her on interview, but unfortunately, we couldn't get schedules to work out. Maybe we can find another time to bring her in and have

a sit down. She's great. She's just, she's, you know, also a woman of a, of an age who maybe emails are not her first form of communication if you call her she's great yeah she's like i'm on it i'll tell you whatever you want i got 10 minutes and i'll take it um and so then um you know i i reached back out to some of my other mental health professionals like carly and like other folks and was like who and and um uh a person i've worked with uh who did like our sensitivity training for being trans and so like people that i've trusted and have worked in this space before um and they recommended jackie who um was wonderful and so loved talking that was

also one of my favorite conversations of yeah and i think just held that lens well of like someone who's similar to joe and that they are a person of color they're also trans they've gone through some abusive situations in their in their life and they're really open about that um and so they were able to i think provide that more like clinical lens that we wanted to make sure was included um but again was fact-checked against what we had heard from dr lansdale and so we felt good with the content that we that we shared um and i always think it's like interesting i i i'm fortunately unfortunately i think fortunately i'm really i'm friends with a lot of therapists that's why your vibes are so good right just like my circle of friends are therapists um

and so it was uh you know i got to kind of talk to them about you know uh there's interesting opinions about if like your therapist should tell you they're also queer, if they're also like these identifiers. And there's a much, there's like a big push, I think, in that school of modality, in at least the school of modalities that my friends are working in, about being honest about who you are, because like your, your, your clients also, and your patients want to know that you have a lens that's going to be understanding to what they're going through in their life. And so it's very this like old school mentality to be like i am this you should be a blank slate a blank slate and it's just like well like if i'm a queer person psychoanalysis sort of lens yeah and like there are people that thrive in that space and that's great

and there's people who want that and that's great and so i think there has to be like variety and how you're seeking 100 and we wanted to we wanted to pursue something that we wanted to present this in a lens that matched with Joe's lens and what Joe felt comfortable and seen by. And that was really important to us. And also, you know, as we got into our DID research, and I listened to some other like first-person accounts on other shows. And Mental Health Happy Hour has a great – I'll link that in the the show notes they had a great like first person account um on there and uh yeah i mean i think um or sorry mental illness happy hour uh yeah it was one of those things where it really reminded me of the space that we're in with money housing by proxy research and understanding, which is that like, there hasn't been a lot of money resources devoted to this. It's highly stigmatized. It's deeply misunderstood by most people. And when

you are in that kind of space, you have to be a lot more careful than if you're studying something like, I don't like general sort of depression or anxiety or something that's just like a lot more accepted that has like a lot less sort of cultural taboo at this stage. Not always true. But like, these things are, they are evolving. And like you, you know, it's, there are many schools of thought on on them. And that is some that is something that, you know, bedevils the whole sort of like Munchausen by proxy conversation is that medicine, including mental health medicine, is an evolving science. And you want it to be. And you want it to be. That's how science works. Yes. We don't want it to stay like, OK, we decided this 50 years ago. It's like everything around medicine, and I mean, especially mental health.

These conversations are extremely new if you go back one generation if you go back two generations the conversations about mental health look nothing like they do today I mean I yeah you know talking about like one of the other things which was interesting talking to Joe's uh biological father raise and the sort of thinking about generational trauma right and how you're just like oh yeah like a lot of people who went through like war and extremely traumatic situations were just like, and I'm never going to talk about it ever again. And that's how I deal with it. Yeah, it's like, that's how my British side of the family dealt with it. And like, you know, yeah, it's it's so it's like, we don't want to be stagnant in our

conversations about mental health. That's really important. And so for us to talk to, yes, both an extremely established PhD level decades of, you know, research and experience, experience person to sort of underscore this. And then someone who is much younger, who is newer to practicing, who does have that different lens. Who has all of their licensing and is currently licensing. Went through all the school.

It's also, I think, I try to think too of like, as much as you don't want to think about it, like this is also a platform. And someone like Dr. Sunny Lansdale is like, i don't have time to like uh you know she luckily had time to talk to me on the phone for 10 minutes and fact check things with me and go over everything which was lovely and i appreciate it but also like jackie's like i would love to show off my expertise i am new in the field and i want to establish myself in this and like talk about it as an expert both personally and professionally and like how that they approach these things absolutely and so you're like great let's get this person who's young and wants to talk about it's not that young has anything to do with it but it's always nice to have it's always nice to have um people

that are on the show that can in some way sort of it's like a mutually beneficial because they probably have more for their time we're asking for their expertise like it's not a small thing and like yeah someone like jackie is probably like if someone reached out and was like i heard you on this show i would i'm looking for a therapist as someone who has the time and the space in there exactly on their plate to take on new people yeah and we are lucky that we're able to get so many like you know established professionals yeah experts and yeah but it's not you know this isn't like with the Munchausen by proxy stuff like all the people who've been doing it for decades are like personal and I also think too what was

important to me in reaching out to jackie was like they while they are like newer in the field they had done all of their schooling recently and so we were like what are you learning now it's the freshest sort of perspectives of yeah because and obviously people who've been doing it for a long time to go through continuing education and stuff but it's interesting to see yeah sort of the like where's this conversation now? Right. And it's really important. And it seemed very connective, like everything, the way Jackie said it was almost the exact same way that Dr. Lansdale told it to me over the phone as well. And so I was like, okay, the research Dr. Lansdale is doing, and is actively pursuing in her work in research and as a therapist who lives in this community

is making it to people like Jackie, who is a therapist in the same town and in the same community and is in the same like, academic ecosystem. And so it's interesting, you know, it's like, oh, here's the here's the through line, yeah, you know, of like, how DID is being researched, and then how is it being taught? And then how is it being implemented in practice? Right? And so that's like the three, I think, steps in my mind of how I fact checked it, I was like, how are the academics talking about it? How is it being taught? And then how is it being implemented in practice? And so we were able to follow that the whole way through. Yeah, yeah. And then talking to Jade, similarly, I think it's like, you know, it's, it's great to have both, right? And that that's,

that's the approach of the show, really, all the way through, right, is that we're talking to experts, we're giving you that grounding. And then we're also talking to people who have lived experience. Yeah, and providing peer support. Yeah. And that's a really important thing too. And that's also like a valid piece of learning about something. Okay, well, thank you so much for being with us this season. You are also in the lead producer chair on season five. And we are working on that diligently behind the scenes. Anything else you want to say to folks? Where can they find you?

Where can they find your other shows? Yeah, Plugathon. Yeah, you can find me on the internet at Maria Gossett on everything. I don't post very much. I'm tagged and posted in all the things that I work on. So you'll see a slew of videos of very beautiful people who I make stuff for but that I am not in

those videos. But But yeah, you can find me there. I share anything that I'm working on on my social spaces. And yeah, thanks for thanks for listening. Thanks for thanks for coming along for the ride.