Normal Gossip - A Succulent Crime with Kelsey McKinney

Episode Date: September 23, 2026

Dowager queen Kelsey McKinney is back to close out season ten with a story about plant parenthood in a pediatrician's office. We are now on YouTube. Be sure to follow us on there at @DefectorMedia where you can watch today’s episode.Subscribe to our newsletter for writing from Rachelle, Se'era, Jae, Alex, and Kelsey, plus blog recommendations and secrets!You can support Normal Gossip directly by buying merch or becoming a Friend or a Friend-of-Friend at supportnormalgossip.com.You can also find all kinds of info about us and how to submit gossip on our Komi page: https://normalgossip.komi.io/Episode transcript here.Follow the show on Instagram @normalgossip, and if you have gossip, email us at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at 26-79-GOSSIP.Normal Gossip is hosted by Rachelle Hampton (@heyydnae) and produced by Se'era Spragley Ricks (@seera_sharae) and Jae Towle Vieira (@jaetowlevieira). Our audio engineer is Samantha Gattsek. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Show art by Tara Jacoby. Theme music composed by Hrishikesh Hirway.Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Hey there, it's Robin from PRX. I'm excited to tell you about Lightbox, the newest show in the Radiotopia family. Mark Henry Phillips spent 20 years composing music for a living. Then one night, he typed a few words into an AI music generator, and it did his job better, way better, in just 10 seconds, basically for free. In Lightbox, Mark investigates what AI is doing to music and the people who make it. Over nine months and with more than 40 interviews, he talked to CEOs, building these tools, Grammy Award-winning producers secretly using them, and legendary musicians

trying to stop them. From PRX's Radiotopia Lightbox. It's not just a story about music. It's about what we lose when machines start doing the things we thought made us human. Out now, wherever you get your podcasts. Oh my God. Hello, and welcome to the finale of season 10 of normal gossip. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton.

And in each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous. Morsees of Gossip from the Real World. Season 10 has been a special one in so many ways. We brought you more episodes in one season than we ever had before and more than we ever will again. Let's be honest. If I'm being completely honest, 12 was too much. It was too many. You're welcome. We plumb the depths of our inbox to bring you the most chaotic gossip possible all season long. And this season, we did All-Stars. We introduced you to some new friends, but we also brought back more of our favorite partners. gossip than we ever have before. And I'm sure you all agree. There's only one right way to close out our all-star season. Please welcome Dowager Queen, Kelsey McKinney, back to the show. In addition to

being the co-creator and former host of Normal Gossip, Kelsey is one of my colleagues and co-owners here at Defector.com. She's also written two wonderful books, a novel called God Spare the Girls and a New York Times bestselling book about gossip called You Didn't Hear This from Me. Kelsey, hello. Thank you so much for joining me. Hello, Rachel. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. This is the crossover everyone's been waiting for. Oh, my God, they're clamoring. Thank God I could make it. They said, where has Kelsey been?

Everyone's been weeping and weeping, coming up to me on the street with tears in their eyes. It's so sad. And now here you are. Here I am. Thank you so much. In the flesh, even. Not just a floating voice. I know. First time on camera. First time on camera. Ever. Guys, you're welcome. I did this for you. Wow. Well, actually, I do have ulterior motives for bringing you on.

Uh-oh. Which is, you are the only other person who has hosted this show. True. You were the only other person who understands all that comes along with this. Okay. Sure. And so I wanted to talk to you about something that has been causing a little bit of, let's say, drama. Just a tiny bit.

No, I would never do that on camera. But, you know, one of the many platforms that the show is hosted on is Spotify. Famously, a platform that exists. And Spotify is added a feature where if you have subscriber episodes, which we do, you can put them in the feed. Okay, so it's like easier or something for people to listen to them? It's easier for people to figure out that we have extra episodes that you can pay $5 a month for. Okay, I'm not understanding what the problem is. You know, I also didn't think there was going to be much of a problem.

But based on when this feature was rolled out, which was in between seasons and some of the comments we've gotten, I think in a world where it feels like everyone's putting something behind a paywall, I wanted to talk a little bit about subscriber episodes, what a subscription does for us specifically as, like, co-owners of the company that we work at. Because this show has always been free to listen to, and I can't imagine a future in which it won't be. May I speak first? Yes. We don't control Spotify. If we did, we would have so much more money. Like, we would be so rich. We would not be wearing this.

You would never see us again. But we don't. We've had a subscriber feed, I think, since after the first season of the show. What is that? Four years ago at this point. It's like 50 episodes at least of subscriber content. We have issues with Spotify, but it has led to more people discovering that we have this, which I feel like more people.

We do have it. get an extra episode a month whether or not the season is running or not. But I think something I wanted to talk about specifically is that there are obviously ads on the show, which is how we make the money. So true. But ad revenue doesn't just come to me or it didn't just come to you, Kelsey. It's split among like four to five different entities. There's so many people involved. It's crazy. It's our agents. It's Radiotopia. It's Defector Media. It's, it's, it's, our contractors who make our videos, who make our show. So ad revenue is a big pot that we're all kind of drawing out of. Yeah. Subscription revenue, which is the $5 you pay to get an extra episode

a month along with other bonus content, that comes directly to us. Yeah. As co-owners of Defector. We're not the New York Times. We're a small company. There's 27 of us. And the reason we introduced the subscription product in the first place was that we wanted to make normal gossip more integrated with the rest of Defector than it was before. So instead of having this kind of like island of normal gossip people, we wanted to make sure that like you as the listeners of normal gossip knew that we were a part of Defector and also that there's other content you get. So yes, as a subscriber, you get for $5 a month, one extra episode. But you also get articles. You also get a newsletter that has like lots of links in it and fun extra content. And like, you don't have to want that. We're not like

begging you to subscribe. But it is the way that we see the future of this show being more integrated with the company that we own and love. Yeah. So I just wanted to talk about that a little bit on the main pod for a little bit. Because I feel like we most often talk about defector and subscribers and stuff on the subscriber episodes. Because if you subscribe, it suggests you're interested in learning the behind the scenes. But I guess this thing's become less clear in terms of where money is going for creators that you want to support. I wanted to be pretty open about that because I was kind of confused about the discussion.

But I realized if you're from the outside looking in, it's not clear at all where any of this money is going. Yeah. Yeah. You're just like, okay, well, there are ads. So you're making money, which is true. But you also have this thing that I could pay $5 for. Why do I need to do that?

And the answer is you don't need to, but if you do want normal gossip once a month, no matter whether or not we're producing the show, that's something you can have. Yeah. Also, as a side note, there are a lot of things that we cannot talk about incredibly explicitly on a public feed that everyone has access to. For example, if we want to talk about like actual celebrity gossip or if we want to pan something, we usually do that on the subscriber feed. And so it's like, yes, it's paywalled. Part of the reason it's paywold is because that's our safe space. It's true. We're talking shit in there. And we are.

We do be talking shit. We have so many people come on and talk shit with us. We have y'all submit gossip morsels, which are literal, basically not super anonymized bits of gossip that we have people come on and react to. So, I mean, obviously I make it. I would love if you paid for it. But I think it's a good subscription product. if you like normal gossip and you get access to early information about like tours and stuff. But also you can tell us what you might like in a subscription product.

We're always trying to make it better. That's the best part about owning our company is that we can be like, oh, the listeners want to see more of our Slack transcriptions where we're talking shit about a celebrity. And it's like, oh, here you go. Here you go. That's an option. Also, one time we drank a whole bottle of wine and talked about an erotic book. And we did. There's all sorts of stuff going on.

And we did. And we did. So, you know, subscribe if you want, but also... Literally like and subscribe. Literally like and subscribe. But also, normal, in-season, normal gossip will remain non-paywalled. Free, as they say. Thanks for listening. Now, back to your regularly scheduled program. I've got some gossip for you. Are you ready? I'm so ready. I have a very serious question for you. Oh, Lord. And I want you to answer with complete honesty.

Okay. Are you a plant person? I would love to be a plant person in that I think plants look nice. But despite being insane, a Virgo, very well organized, design forward, I cannot keep a plant alive to save my life. And it's because I forget about them. And the problem is plants don't have like. it's not consistent enough for me. Like if it's like water it every day, I would do well.

But it's not water it every day. It's water it like every four days. And I'm like, I can't be putting that into my Google calendar. There's already too much on there. And so then what I do is I just dump whatever's left in my water into the plant. And guess what? That doesn't work. So the plants I have out my outside plants do well because the sky waters them.

Yes. But my inside plants, they are dead. Which you've seen. You've been to my house and seen my like three dead plants. plants. I didn't notice them among your many treasures. You were distracted by my treasures. You couldn't see them.

I was like, gadgets and gizmos a penny. Literally. Pulling a fork out of my shelf. No, I was like, wow. I wouldn't be where the people are. I feel like I actually didn't know this about you, but it doesn't surprise me either. I feel like. Oh, you could have been, you wouldn't be surprised either way.

If I was like insane about plants, that would have also. made sense to you. It would make sense to me. I'm confused about why I'm not good at it. But it also, somehow the, the juxtaposition of all of the categories that would make you a good plant person and you're not being a good plant person. It does make sense. Because I feel like as a plant person. Yeah, you're good at plants. Plants are a little less strict, but they also are, you do have to be keeping an eye on them at all time. You got to keep an eye after Salina or with your plants. In the same way that I don't see dust, I don't see plants. Like I'm like, my brain just does not pick it up. And so I'm like, that's not my business. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, our friend of around him today is named Martha. And Martha is an office manager. I love the name Martha.

Do you? Yeah, it's so nice. Go ahead. It is. Well, Martha is an office manager at a mid-sized pediatrician's office in a suburb of a major Midwestern city. Why are you already saying, oh, no? Because I just like, the doctor's waiting room is so stressful. It is.

And pediatricians, like, I feel like kids get sick. in like record time, right? Like it's like, oh, you were fine yesterday and now you have an ear infection and like it's ruining your life. And so like I imagine that managing a pediatrician's office is like literally hell. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. Waiting rooms are terrible.

Liminal. Strange. Give me high blood pressure. Yeah. And then they're like, you're sick. They're like, girl. And I'm like, I'm sorry, you stressed me out. Sorry, it sucks here.

Yeah, I'm like the vibes are horrendous. Maybe I wouldn't be so stressed out if the vibes are better. Yeah. Get a candle. Just more. Turn these lights down. Fuck the fluorescent lights. Yeah.

Well, there are five doctors who practice at this office and a whole assortment of like physician's assistants and nurses plus one receptionist and Martha. Okay. So there are about 30 people total employed at this office. Okay. As the office manager, Martha's responsible for handling the clinic's expenses like payroll, rent, utilities, medical waste disposal. And then there's the plants. Oh, no.

Now, at first, the plants cost the office nothing because the pediatrician who founded thought practice loved plants. Okay. Her name was Dr. Honey. Aw. And she was the most beloved pediatrician in town for decades. I would trust her with my life. Dr. Honey. Help me.

She grew her practice from working solo to employing more than 20 people. And Dr. Honey was known for two things. Her signature, Pocodot, Doctor's coat. Okay. And her love of plants. Okay, sleigh. From the moment she opened her practice, it was covered with plants, like giant money trees, massive pop those plants, string of pearls, English ivies, snake plants galore.

And Dr. Honey took care of all of them. I got to admit, that's not what I want. Like when I said I wanted a candle, I meant a candle, not like thousands of candles, right? Like I do want it to feel clean at the doctor's office. And something about the plants, like that's not. dirt. That's not clean. You literally guessed the question I was going to ask, which is, how would you feel if you walked into a doctor's office and there were like a lot of plants?

I think I would think I was in the wrong spot. Like, I would be like, this isn't right. This is it where I'm supposed to be. Like, it's supposed to be uncomfortable in here. There's supposed to be like a weird pattern on the chairs. I'm supposed to like have to go to a little window and give them cards that I don't know where they are and like cry. Yeah. There can't be plants here also. that's crazy. So confused, but ultimately it seems like it would improve the vibes for you.

How bright are the lights? That's a great question. I do feel like if there's a lot of plants in the doctor's office, there does have to be natural light in the doctor's office, and usually there's not. So that does seem better to me. Yeah. Because I like the sun. Same. Well, Dr. Honey retired about four years before our story starts. Congratulations, girl. You did it. I can't wait to retire. if it ever happens. We're never retiring. And I know. And I know.

Well, when Dr. Honey retired, she actually took all of her plants with her. Oh. Which was actually a relief to our friend of a friend, Martha, who was a plant agnostic. Like, she thinks they look nice, but she has zero desire to care for them. Totally. Familiar. Same. So Martha was like, phenomenal.

Dr. Honey's taking all of her plants with her. Yeah. Not my problem. Literally. And Martha kept thinking this was phenomenal until all of the kiddos and their families started complaining about the lack of plants. Okay. For a month, it was all anyone working at the practice heard about.

Like it showed up in their Google reviews and in the comments on the article in the local paper about Dr. Honey's retirement, the comments were like, you could really sense the love back in Dr. Honey's day. We all just knew we could trust her with our children right from when we walked in the door. So many doctors are just in it for the money these days. Oh, my God. Okay. First off, people will complain about anything, not necessarily your

business. Second off, the plants made you feel that way. To me, doctors, they work a lot. Probably shouldn't have that much time to look after these plants. Should probably be more concerned about me being sick. True. Is my thought. But also, I'm like, people are really easily persuaded away from being in a bad mood. So, like, what if you just got a soft serve machine? Like, oh, there are no more plants, but we have soft serve. Problem solved. Oh, there's no more plants, but we have 100 slinkies. Like, children are easily made happy. And they are. The children, I feel, were not as passionate about the plants as their parents

were. So I'm like, you get the parents, a nice candle. You get the children a soft serve machine. Everyone's happy. Everyone's happy. It sounds like you don't have a lot of sympathy for these commenters. No, I never do. But I do respect them. Whenever I go somewhere that I really like, I like to read the one-star reviews afterward.

because I'm like, wow, I just had the best dinner ever. Let's read the one star review. The one star review is like, it was closed, one star. No, literally, it never has anything to do with the quality of it. It's always just like when I went. DoorDash driver left my thing outside one star. This was the best thing I ever ate, but the bag ripped. Best meal I've ever eaten fork too small, one star.

Well, the five remaining doctors and all the six, staff were in agreement. If it will make these people shut the fuck up. It won't. They're like, let's just get some plans to honor Dr. Honey's memory, even though Dr. Honey is alive and well. No, I just, as a veteran of the blog minds, it won't. It won't. It won't make them shut up.

And it won't make them happy. Well, at the time, no one wanted to just like take on caring for a bunch of plants on top of their normal jobs. No. Right? So instead, Martha actually found and hired a plant service that supplied the office with about 50 plants. Martha, incredible. Really good idea. Right? All of the plants are like actually owned by the plant service. And they send a gardener out about once a week to like water, trim, repot the plants.

I think I can do that at my house. As necessary. That's actually a great question. Maybe. I don't have money to do that. But I feel like rich people do be doing that. They do. Yeah. Well, this service has been costing the office about $3,000 per year, which works out. to less than $100 a week. Uh-huh. Okay. And sometimes it does take a couple hours to do all the watering and trimming and repotting if one of the plants dies. Sure, yeah.

So $3,000 a year actually kind of feels like a good deal. Yeah, I believe that people should be paid for their labor and this plant guy is coming over here to do all this stuff. It seems fair. Yeah. So as a small business owner, this feels like a good deal to you. Well, no. I don't think we should have gotten plants to begin with.

Like, if someone in our company was like, I want to spend $1,000 on plants, I would be like, I want you to quit. Get out of here. No. That's crazy. But it sounds like the doctors have the power in this power struggle and the doctors want the plants because they think it will make the patients happy. And doctors make a lot of money. So I'm like, whatever. Like $3,000. Okay, sure, now we have plants, I guess. Yeah. This doctor's office isn't exactly like a gravy train for the plant service. Right. There's a lot of turnover among. the gardeners, possibly because there's, like, so little money to go around, but possibly also

because of the receptionist whose name is Tori. Oh, Lord. Martha hired Tori three years ago, and Tori is a plant lover. Oh, no. He has a sweatshirt that says plant parenthood. That's pretty good. He considers himself Dr. Honey's spiritual successor. Okay, even though he's a receptionist.

Well, the children love him. Oh, okay. And he has, like, objectively improved the vibes in the clinic. Imagine, like, a boy, Mrs. Frizzle from the Magic School bus. Yeah, see, we don't need plants. We have Tori. And Tori loves to crochet. Like, he wears his own handmade granny square jacket on the office when it gets cold.

And he whips up gifts for any kid who has to get a shot. So, like, he'll ask for their favorite colors when they're checking in. And by the time they're checking out, I'll have, like, a little doily ready. That's really cute. It's so cute. Also, I'm like, how much does this doctor cost? Like, oh my God. This feels like one of those doctors.

This is concierge. This isn't for us and our regular insurance. This is called private insurance. This is an annual fee that you pay for Dr. Honey. So no wonder they want their fucking plants. And Tori loves plants. Every morning when he arrives, the first thing that he does is walk around the office with a sound bowl, giving all of the plants a sound bath.

Okay. He says that the plants increase the vibrational. energy of the space. Uh-huh. And the sound bowl helps them all harmonize, which in turn will help the children heal. I don't believe in king shaming, so I allow that. Sure. Have fun.

Tori is constantly propagating new plants. Like, it's come for him to have, like, a whole array of baby plants just lined up along the front counter where he works. But his biggest plant is a gigantic pathos that he has propagated from one of the office plants. Okay. Would you do me the honor of naming Tori's gigantic pothos? Do we know anything else about it?

Also, can you describe to me what a pathos looks like in case what I'm picturing is wrong? It's one of the most common plants that you can see. It has like little like heart-shaped leaves and they all like usually they're trailing down. Like if you ever see like a really long vine in someone's house is probably a pathos plant. They're one of the hardest plants to kill. Let's call it Shakira. I love that. Incredible.

Well, Shakira has a special stand up on the first. front counter. Wow. She wolf. Because the vines were getting so long that they had like reached the floor, but Tori refused to trim them. So he had to find a way to like move the plant higher. Okay. Sure. Now you're a Virgo. Famously. A problem solver. So I feel- A problem. Creates problem, then solves it. Most people just do one. That's so true. And so I'm wondering if you're maybe thinking, why not save the money you're spending on the plant service and just let Tori take care of the plants since he loves him so much. Yeah, I am kind of

thinking that because I'm like three thousand dollars has a lot of money, I mean, objectively. And I'm kind of like, Tori's already turning all these plants into more plants. So what if we just got rid of the mother plants and we had the baby plants instead? Yeah. This is, this is a good plan. Yeah. And the thing is, Martha loves Tori. More importantly, Martha needs Tori. Uh-oh. Martha and Tori work really well together. Okay. And Tori gets a lot done.

Okay. But Martha has to be, let's say, careful about what task she assigns to Tori. Okay. And what little rituals she allows to become traditions. Uh-huh. Because not only does Tori take his duty seriously, he can also get kind of, like, possessive about the work. Right. So, like, if someone comes in while he's doing the sound bath and disrupts the vibration, that's going to be a problem, for example.

Exactly. And one time Martha asked Tori to take over stocking the breakroom. And Martha distinctly remembers telling Tori that this job means making sure they're stocked up on like coffee and creamer, as well as a few basics like pretzel, cheese, applesauce. Sure. But Tori saw an opportunity to be more thoughtful. Oh, Lord. Like he noticed that Martha brought in a small bar of dark chocolate with their lunch one day and the next week dark chocolate replaced the applesauce. Okay.

No one complained about it. Well, yeah, obviously. But then Tori noticed one of the nurses snacking on a bag of pistachios at lunch, and the next week there are three kinds of pistachios in the break room. Got to admit, these are all expensive snacks. Now, this seems very thoughtful of Tori. But do you see any problem with this in a pediatrician's office? One, expensive. Two, pistachios, a lot of shells everywhere.

I don't like that. Yeah. It's supposed to be very clean in here. Three, like, doctors have a weird thing about, like, signaling health, right? So, like, I can imagine it being like, oh, we don't want the snack. thing to get so overwhelming that then like patients see us eating dark chocolate in the middle of the day. What if our rich parents are like chocolates bad for you or whatever? Can I see any other problems?

No. That's what I've got so far. Those are good problems. Thank you. Well, several of the nurses flagged this at Tori immediately. They were like, Tori, many of our patients have nut allergies. Oh, duh. Duff.

Pistachios, a nut famously. We cannot just fill this office with nuts. We only have so many epipens. Please get rid of the nuts and bring back the pencils. Right. Because also that's like tons of contamination, right? Like if people are touching, door knobs touching, right? Even though I know people are very clean in doctor's offices, that's still a problem, for sure.

Well, apparently Tori said, stalking in the break room is my responsibility. And taking care of the patients is your responsibility. Okay. First off, sweetie, you're a receptionist. Like, I love you so much. But the children are sick. It's like the stakes are actually high. This isn't like a regular office where it's like, oh, whatever.

Like let Tori have his little snacks. It's like, no, like what if a kid dies? Like the steak is dead. Yeah. I'm a child. Of a child. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, Martha heard the story from Lucy, who was the most senior. I bet she did. I bet she did. Lucy is the most senior of all the nurses. Lucy has jet black hair. She wears neon pink scrubs. She has a septum piercing so everyone knows she's a socialist.

Yeah, of course. I mean, we both have them. And while Lucy will crack up if any of the kids tell her a joke off of like a popsicle stick, Marpa has never seen her smile at any of her coworkers. Totally. Yeah. She's a cold hard bitch. Lucy rarely speaks in staff meetings when she does, even the doctors, like,

straighten up a little bit. That's a type of nurse. that I love. That's the nurse I trust. She's going to get my blood. She's going to get the stick in one. Like I'm not going to have to. She's not fumbling for a bane.

No. She knows what she's doing. She's in and out. She never laughs at my jokes, but I respect her. Exactly. That's because you're not a child. I know. And this joke doesn't come off a popsicle stick.

It's fair. Well, Lucy came to Martha and said, you need to deal with Tori. All the nurses are on the same page about this. Either the pistachios go or we're all taking a sick day tomorrow. Oh, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. We cannot have all, what? As someone who's unionized two newsrooms, we can't have the nurses unionizing. Literally, Martha's like, hey, whoa, no need to unionize.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Consider the pistachios gone. Martha's lighting the pistachios on fire. Okay, so you're Martha. How do you approach this conversation with Tori? I say, Tori, children are going to die. Do you want to go to jail for accidental manslaughter? Like, I don't think you do. So we are going to get rid of these pistachios.

And they're never coming back ever, ever, ever. And also, you're not going to buy any of those, like, single serving, like, fancy peanut butter. Like, none of that. No nuts. The nuts are done. Well, after the last patient of the day checks out, Martha asked Tori to come into her office. Yeah. She closed the door.

Yeah. She says, I just wanted to check in about the snacks in the break room. Okay. And Tori immediately burst into tears. At the end of the conversation, long after the sun has set and the street lights have come on outside. Oh, my God. No. Tori says, okay, as a favor to you, Martha, I will stick to your list of approved snacks.

But I need you to take my side next time. I refuse to be a team of one. First off, I'll take your side when you're fucking right. How about that? Like, I, that's just crazy. Like, I refuse to be a team of one. Like, no, we're a team of two and I'm your boss. Like, it's not.

What are you talking about? I also, like, never, like, as an insane person, you will never catch me blindly agreeing to, like, have someone's back in the future. Like, no. Even me? What are you going to do? I don't know yet. In theory, I have your back. Unless you, like, bring a gun somewhere.

I'm going to be like, help. You've said I could have a gun before. You know what? I did say that. Now we're taking it back now that we're on camera. But especially my employee, like, no way. Yeah. Tori's like, I need and I deserve to be supported.

And you know what? You do at home. Well, in that moment, desperate for this day to be over, Martha promises Tori that she would have his back. next time. Martha, Martha, Martha. So, I've caught you up on the plants and their backstory. Uh-huh. What potential problems do you see emerging? Tori clearly does not respect me as his boss. That's a problem. That is a problem. But also doesn't seem to really respect us as a team and thinks that we should just do whatever he wants all the time, which is more of a problem. Big problem. The nurses

are more important than Tori, and also they're mad. Yeah. So that's not good. I never want the nurses to be mad. The plants I still don't give a shit about, I think they should just get rid of them. Like I'm like, this doesn't seem like that big of a problem to me. My saucer machine idea I think would have solved that. But also, Tori is front facing. Yes. Right. So like that's, you can't have the person welcoming parents of sick children into your pediatrician's office having like a pouty face all the time. Like that's not going to help anything. So I, I'm also concerned about the management of Tori's emotions. This all seems to wrap around.

Tori seems like my, seems like a potential problem. I didn't say that. You said it. Oh, well. I think this level of sensitivity is difficult. It is hard to be a worker when you are that sensitive because like the workforce sucks.

And it doesn't care about you. And it doesn't. And like your boss doesn't give a shit about you. And he doesn't. It's hard. It's hard to be that sensitive. In general, like, I really have a lot of empathy for people who, like, feel everything as someone who feels very little. That's the difference between you and me.

I feel everything. She's feeling stuff. Well, this brings us to the present where this dynamic with the office plants is getting increasingly fraught. Just throw them away. It's fine. Well, Tori has a vision. Tori wants to spark joy. Tori says, I want our office to feel like the rainforest cafe. Kids love the rainforest cafe.

Yeah. We can have our office feel like the rainforest cafe in that we can make it darker in here. And we can have three stuffed frogs. That's what I'm willing to offer you. Otherwise, the rainforest cafe has literal rain. It has screaming gorillas. It has incredibly high ABV cocktails. Like, we cannot be doing that vibe.

My kind of shit. At a pediatrician's office. Like, that's not the right vibe. Well, speaking of the pediatrician's office, the nurse. The nurses hate all the trailing vines hanging everywhere. Yes, obviously, because it's a doctor's office. Taking kids back to the exam rooms is like running a gauntlet. More than once they've had to pry like a pop-thos sleep out of a child's mouth.

Oh, my God. The nurses keep asking the plant service to trim the vines, but the gardeners are like... Those aren't our plants. That's Shakira. And they're also like, we don't want to deal with Tori. He's got a vision. Yeah. I mean, part of the issue with resolving

this situation is Martha doesn't want to lose Tori, who gets mentioned by name in their five-star reviews far more often than any of the doctors. Yeah, totally. And before Martha can really decide to do anything, something changes to upset this already delicate balance. One day, the plant service assigns a new gardener. And after exactly 30 minutes of Tori breathing over his shoulder, the guy leaves. Yeah. He just never comes back. You can quit your job at any time. No one can stop you. Our job makes a shirt that says quit your job. Yeah. Yeah.

One of my favorite things to do in these stories is think about it from like anyone else's perspective in the story. Like imagine you work for a garden service. You come into a literal pediatrician's office that's full of fucking plants. Yeah. And then this random man in a crocheted sweater is standing next to you being like with a sound bowl. With a sound bowl being like, this plant doesn't like those vibrations. I would be like, I quit. Get me out of here.

Yeah. Well, after a week of the plants not being watered, Martha calls the plant service, and the plant service is like, oh my God, I'm so sorry, so won't be right out. But no one comes. Another week passes. The plants start to get droopy. One Monday during their check-in, Tori's like Martha. Can I water the plants? Uh-oh. Do you let Tori water the plants? No. No. I'm Martha. As his manager, it is my job to set him up for success. So I cannot allow him to take any more non-job-related duties. Like, you've got to stop my man. Well, you and Martha are on the same page. year. Yeah, obviously.

Martha, very cleverly, is like, Tori, you already have so many responsibilities. I can't believe you pitch a story that forces me to align myself with management. That's insane. It's almost like we're both on the manager board at our company. Hoist it on your own baton. So true. Vote it in. And luckily, the day that Tori asked about watering the plans is the same day that a new

doctor starts at the clinic. This doctor's name is Dr. Clementine. Okay, cute. And despite her whimsical name, Martha knows as a person who did her initial screening call that 50% of the reason Dr. Clementine has been hired is to whip them all into shape. Dr. Clementine and Lucy are going to be doing those high fives that football players do where it like hits in the back. Like they're about to run this place like a very tight ship. Like the Navy.

Which is like literally my dream. So I do respect that. As you noted, Dr. Clementine runs a tight ship. She has immaculate sage green scrubs. A different animal print lanyard for each day of the week. Oh, okay, great. She can type 100 words per minute. Incredible.

And according to the nurses, her visit notes are the clearest and most thorough of any doctor at the clinic. Yeah, because she's out here to fuck around. Dr. Clementine has a very specific end-of-day checklist, a specific place for everything to go in the exam room. Some of the doctors go by their first names of the rest of the staff. Not anymore. Not in my house. On her second day, Dr. Clementine stops by Martha's office, which is very close to where Tori sits at the front desk. So Martha knows Tori will be listening when Dr. Clementine is like, do you have a minute to discuss the opening checklist for the clinic?

Yes, Dr. Clementine. I do. Why don't you come in and close the door? And you're smarter. You're smarter than Martha is. Martha's like, yeah, of course. And Dr. Clementine's like, I've noticed that once the front desk staff arrives, there's a lot of, noise in the lobby and in the halls. Dr. Clementine says it is important to have clear thinking at the start of the day because clear thinking makes a clear mind. I respect this woman. And I'm terrified of her.

And this is when Tori calls over from the front desk. Exactly. That's what the sound bowl is for. Dr. Guimantan going, who is this? Well, Dr. Clementine just looks over her glasses at Martha. And then leaves without another word. Listen, you want to do your weird little sound bath thing that you like. That's great.

You have to get here 30 minutes before the clinic opens. Sorry. It's not part of your job duty. So thoughts and feelings on Dr. Comentine. I have a feeling she's your hero. I love her. She's insane.

I respect people who are really serious because I'm not super serious. I have my shit together. and I respect other people having their shit together. So I salute her. I am afraid of her. Like there's something terrifying about someone that put together. I would work for her in a heartbeat. Because you know she would have clear expectations.

Yeah, you would know exactly what your job was and when it needed to be done and exactly when you could go home. Yep. And if you did a good job once a year, she would be like, good job with that. And it would feel like the best day of your life. Yeah. Yeah. Well, at the end of Dr. Clementine's first week, Martha has her monthly meeting with all the doctors. And it is important to note here, as you astutely noted, most workplaces, not everybody's opinion matters in this clinic.

No. Yeah. Although there are 30 employees, it is the five doctors that make all the decision. Also, doctors, like, famously, I love doctors. I respect them. They have saved my life and the lives of many people who I love. And also, they do have God complexes. And so I expected this. that there would be a little bit of hierarchy, both in fours and in five. Yeah. The five doctors are like heads of their own, like, tiny fiefdoms.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. So if you get a memo, the first question should not be, how do I implement this memo? It should be, and what is my Lord's position on this? So these meetings between Martha and the doctors sometimes result in really big.

This is just like crazy out. Except no one's fucking. Oh. that I know of. So these meetings between Martha and the doctors sometimes result in, like, big changes for the clinic. Totally. And no one was really expecting Dr. Clementine to add much to the agenda since it's her first week. Are you out of your mind?

This woman's going to rewrite how you do the agenda. And she's going to do it immediately because she's been given authority. Dr. Clementine has a proposal. I bet she does. I bet her proposal is we're going to do it my way. It's about the office plans. Uh-huh. Which after two weeks without water are really starting to look like shit.

They're looking bad. Yeah. It's like my house. And Dr. Clementine has a simple solution. Get rid of all of the plants. Dr. Clementine did her research. She says, from what I've heard, the plant service is unreliable. It's already an unnecessary expense and they're not even providing a service.

She's right. Dr. Clementine feels like plants are tacky. Pop off. That's a question. crazy big. The earth. Tacky. There's inside and outside.

Plants go out there. But more importantly, Dr. Clementine has seen first hand what an unsupervised toddler can do with the peace lily. Yeah. There are children everywhere. I recently watched my friend's child, who I love very much, put a whole handful of dirt in his mouth.

And, like, he's fine. He'll be fine. You can't just be leaving pots of dirt around a peal for a child. The other agent's office? Like, that's crazy. From the beginning, I have said get rid of these damn plans. And you have. And you have.

Dr. Clementine is like, if this office can't keep basic house plans alive, how can parents trust us with their children? Damn. Me standing at my desk. Everyone is a little taken aback. And many of them are traumatized from the hubbub when Dr. Honey retired. Uh-huh. One of the younger doctors, Dr. Delgado.

Dr. Delgado is, you know that kid in the classroom who reminds the teacher that they forgot to give a pop quiz? That's what I imagine all of medical schools like, but yes. That's Dr. Delgado. He is objectively brilliant, so good at his job. Whenever another doctor's having trouble making a diagnosis, they bring in Dr. Delgado even though he's so young. Okay, yeah. Dr. Delgado loves order. So he is in total awe of Dr. Clementine.

He saluted. He's like, plants are tacky. I've been saying this for years. He's rapidly switching out his lanyard with one with the zebra friend. Though Martha has never heard him voice his opinion about plants until now. Well, yeah, all his opinions are Dr. Clementine's opinions now because she's brilliant. And ultimately most of the doctors are like, we did like the plants when they were alive, but now that they're dying. This all seems like more hassle than it's worth.

Also, maybe our beautiful children, parentheses the patients of this establishment and their parents, were just reacting poorly to Dr. Honey leaving. Maybe this was never really about the plants anyway. It was about change. It was about change. And the fear of change. And you know what? More change is here, bitch.

Wow. It never stops. Dr. Clementine is victorious. Martha is instructed to fire the plant service. Yeah. Great. Which ends up being pretty easy. Yeah, because they aren't coming anyway.

The plant service does not seem surprised by this phone call. No. They even refund Martha for the rest of the quarter. Great. Martha's like Dr. Clementine's victory. is my victory. I have extra money now that I can manage with.

Yeah. And this is one more task off my plate. I don't got to deal with this invoice at the end of the year. Incredible. Until Martha

asked the plant service when they'll be coming to collect the plants. And they say never, heart. Which is when they say, oh, you can keep the plants and then they hang up.

I'm going to keep them in the trash. I'm going to wait until Tori goes home and then I'm going to throw all these plants away. And then when asked about it,

I'm going to lie. I'm going to say the plant service came and got them. They're gone. Bye. Wow. I was going to ask your Martha, you're now in charge of 50 dead or dying plants. What do you do? But it sounds like you eat them into the trash. Goodbye. Goodbye. Maybe if I'm feeling really like I have some extra time on my hands, I would list them on Facebook market place. Free plants. Oh, hell yeah. Monsteras used to cost a lot of money. Yeah. Come get them. Come get them. Free. You can nurse it back to life. It's not quite dead. Get it away for me.

The only thing Martha cares about is making sure that whatever happens with the plants is not her decision. Oh. Tori will not be able to handle it if he feels like Martha did not fight for the plants with every fiber of her being. Tori is an employee and therefore also an adult. Well, Martha decides to send an email to the three most senior doctors at the practice. Uh-huh. So she leaves Dr. Clementine and Dr. Delgado off the email. Uh-huh.

Because Martha is worried that Dr. Clementine might go on a plant murdering spree, as you advocated for. She might already be done. With Dr. Delgado as an accomplice once they figure out that the plant service does not give a single shit about these plants. So on the plus side, the three senior doctors get her an answer within 24 hours with minimal bickering. On the downside, they don't want to get rid of the plants. It's never about the plants. Their solution? They're like, well, Tori is a plant lovers.

No, no, no. Perhaps Tori could take over the plant care. I'm Googling fastest way to kill a plant forever. And then whatever that is, I'm buying it. I'm spraying it on every plant. You can try to bring them back. They're covered in rubbing alcohol. Good luck.

You said kill them. Are you letting Tori take over the plant care? No. Absolutely not. Because not only is Tori going to become like really particular about the plants, which we don't need. Dr. Clementine, who is my boss and also a drill sergeant has said that they should go. And therefore, I don't want them here anymore. And Tori does not seem to understand.

Something you should know is that you can talk about the problems at your job to people not at your job. This is like, you can talk about the problems at your job to people not there. You can have a friend group and tell them. You can go to the group chat and say, I hate my boss. And all your friends are going to thumbs that up. And they're going to be like, yeah, we hate your boss too. And then three days later, you're going to be like, I don't hate my boss anymore. And they're going to be like, thumbs up.

Good for you, girl. Like you don't have to bring all of the drama that you have at work to work. And Tori does not seem to understand that, which means that any drama at work is going to be my problem as Tori's boss. Yeah. And I reject it. I say, no, no. get out of here. You're on the same page as Martha.

Oh, great. Who was not even planning to tell Tori that they fired the plant service in the first place. I'm telling Tori nothing. However, and honestly, you might be on the same page here, too. Martha decides to do what every overcompensating eldest daughter usually does in a situation. She can do it ourselves. Yeah. Yeah.

For a whole year. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I assume she has to keep this kind of, she's going to have to come in early. and do it or stay late and do it because if Tori catches her, he's going to take over. Martha. No, girl. This job does not pay.

I don't know what it pays you, but it's not enough. For a whole year, Martha waters the plants herself in secret. One whole year of your short and precious life. As you noted, either before Tori arrives or after he leaves. And also every couple months, Dr. Clementine or Dr. Delgado is like, we fire at the plant service, right? When are they picking up the plant? And Martha's like, I keep calling them and they don't come. Kill the plan.

Kill them. Problem salt. And neither of these doctors care enough to do such a menial task is make a phone call themselves. They're doctors. They have shit to do. So this fragile piece lasts for a whole year. Uh-huh. Does Martha complain about the situation at least once a month to her husband?

Yeah. Yeah. Martha's husband's going to kill the plan. Does her husband say, maybe have a direct conversation with your coworkers. I don't think Martha's going to do that based on what I've learned about her. Yeah. The theme of today's episode is avoidance.

And it is. So again, this goes on for a whole year until everyone starts prepping for the big move. What big move? Well, you see, the clinic is moving to a different building. It's in a much better location with a much bigger parking lot, and it's right next to a co-op. grocery store. So everyone's really excited.

I can kick every plant off of the moving truck and just break them. Well, as everyone in the office is packing and prepping, Dr. Clementine and Dr. Delgado stopped by Martha's office, and they ask her to distribute a memo. Uh-oh. Which says, none of the plants.

These people in their memos. Go ahead. Can you imagine if we did anything by memo at our company? No one would read it. No one would read it. We do do things by memo in that Jasper puts them in a PowerPoint and then we force everyone to read it with us at meeting.

These two distribute a memo, which says, none of the plants can be moved to the new office. There will be no space for plants. Agree. The plants must be given away or thrown away, but they will not be coming along. Question? Yeah, I have a question. What about Shakira? I feel like she hasn't been here in a while and I'm concerned.

Where is Shakira? Where is she? The nurses don't like her. None of the plants are allowed to come. What about my superstar? Exactly. And it's also unclear if the doctors have the authority to do this. Yes, they do. The plants aren't real. This isn't real. None of this is real.

And the thing is, no one actually responds to Dr. Clementine's memo outright. Yeah, of course not. Nobody read it. And they certainly did not ask Martha's permission for this little memo coup that they're doing. It's not a coup. She's in charge. It's a top-down edict. But deep down in Martha's little heart, she's grateful for this top-down eating. She's like, maybe my days of coming early to water that plants are over. She's been Googling Pothos help for nine months.

Tori, however, spends the rest of the day at his death with his face, she's getting redder and redder. Like, you know the face people have when they're trying not to cry. You've certainly never seen this expression on my face before. I see it on her face often. I would be like, Tori, why don't you go home? Why don't you take a personal day? It's like an early day. Why don't you go ahead and leave?

And then what I'm going to do is I'm going to do both our jobs. And then tomorrow I'm going to be like, are you finished? You had a good day off? Did you have a good day off? Yeah. You went to the spa? Do you need another day off? That's all I'm willing to offer is two days, one and a half days off.

Honestly, not take it. Not bad. Pretty good. Meanwhile, Martha sees Lucy and some of the other nurses reading the memo. And Lucy actually pumps her fist, which is the most emotion Martha has seen from Lucy in like six months. I'm telling you. If Lucy is on Dr. Clementine's side, it's over. Like, you've lost the war.

You've lost the crowd. Because the nurses are going to fall in line. Like, this is about votes. And Dr. Clementine, it seems like she's got the votes because she has her cohort and it's fiefdom. Dr. Delgado's. Yeah. Now all the nurses. Yeah.

Like, that's a majority, baby. It is. It really is. You're right. You're right. Well, it's the first day in the new office. How are you expecting the move to go? Well, moves always go poorly.

That's like rule number one of moving. And that's why you never move. I'm expecting I don't know where my stethoscope is. All the files are out of order and need to be refixed, re-alphabitized. I'm expecting that the plants are here because the movers probably just pick them up and put them into the moving truck. It's a great guess. Did you know doctors have to pay for them on stethoscope? I thought it just came with the office.

That's theirs. I recently learned this, but they also have to buy like some of their own little like microscopes and stuff. Expensive. That's crazy. I know. My opinion, the government should pay for it. Your tax dollars. We both have septum rings.

We're both socialist. I'm a communist. I've never read marks, so I can't say for sure. Thank you for your honesty. I'm just like, I'm pretty sure that I don't actually know. Okay, sorry. Well, Martha's the first one at the office. Great.

She can get rid of the plants. As she walks in, she sees. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That at least 80% of the plants from the old office have reappeared. Yeah, because movers, it's not their job to make decisions. It's their job to move stuff, and they're really good at it. They're not in, like, metal baskets on the wall anymore. They've been nicely potted and placed on shells and on top of cabinets.

No one takes credit for this. Everyone suspects Tori. And Tori has his gigantic pot, though, Shakira. I knew she was going to be a problem. I knew it. Diva. Oh, my God. In pride of place on the front desk.

So it is the first thing you see when you walk into the lobby. Dr. Clementine is going to bring a gun. Like, this is over. I'm shooting all these laughs. We're so stupid. Well, on their first day in the new location, Dr. Clementine brings this issue to email. She addresses all the doctors and C-C's Martha. The plans.

were not supposed to come to the new office. Yeah. Dr. Clementine asked for all the plants to be disposed of immediately. Yeah. This is what I wanted to do to begin with. The other senior doctors, however, do not agree.

Well, yeah, because this isn't about the plants. This is about a power struggle. They say the plants aren't doing any harm. And they say that their community has enough to adjust to with the change and location without the office just getting rid of all the plants too. Okay. If you're going to be like,

we can't kill the plants, we can't kill a living thing. Okay, great. Congrats. You have 80 new people. plants. These are your plans now. Take them home. Good luck. The three senior doctors outboat Dr. Clementine and Dr. Delgado. The plants can stay. No-uh. Well, how do you expect this power struggle to end? I don't have a fucking clue. And I'm really concerned. Wow. I'm honored that you haven't guessed the ending. Well, luckily, this is right around the holidays, so everyone quickly becomes too

busy to give a fuck about the plants in the office. Yeah, everyone's sick. Yeah. For holidays. Yeah. Everyone's sick. Yeah. The office is closed between Christmas and New Year's, except somehow almost every

day Martha is fielding requests from staffers who want to get into the building. Like, Dr. Delgado texts Martha to ask where she keeps her toolbox because he wants to, like, hang up some pictures in his office. Tori goes into the office twice. Go home. Well, Tori goes into the office twice over the break just to clear out their voice. mails. No.

Dr. Clementine goes into the office once to reorganize a supply room with Martha's blessing. She's like, you can go. Yeah, you can go. Pop off queen. He was a label maker. Lucy goes in to pick up a cell phone charger. She forgot. So people are kind of coming in and out.

Everyone is lying. These are all lies. They're giving themselves Botox injections. They're trying out the anesthesia. Well, the Monday after the holidays, Martha comes in bright and early. She is honestly, quite frankly, thankful to be back at work and no longer entertaining her toddler. Oh, I didn't know she had a toddler. All this time, she's been taking care of all these plants and then she's going home and getting attacked by a toddler.

Yeah. No. So Martha's like, thank God. I'm going to talk to mostly adults for the next couple hours. Yeah. I'm talking to parents. I'm talking to my coworkers. I'm not talking about Bluey.

She says New Year, New Me. Yeah. Until she sees the plants. Oh, no. Why are they still here? Well, they all look terrible. They're looking shriveled. They're like dropping leaves.

And at first, Martha's like, maybe it just got too cold in the office over the holidays. So she's like going around assessing the damage. It was Kelsey. But when Martha gets to Tories' gigantic Potho Shakira at the front desk, she notices there's like a strange white substance scattered on the counter. Mm-hmm. And when Martha pulls back the vines of the Pothos, There's even more of the white stuff like all around the soil at the base of the plant. So what would you do if presented with an unidentified white substance?

I would throw all these plants away is what I would do. I feel like also just because it is like an office, I'm like it's dirty. Like someone else needs to be alerted. If you wanted to poison the plants, great. That seems like the right choice to me. But plant poison, whatever it is, I don't know how you kill a plant. I assume except the normal way, which is. a slow death where you don't water them.

I assume it's also going to be poisonous to children. So someone needs to be alerted that's not me. The white stuff needs to be cleaned up. Yeah. Here's where I really, really get concerned. Oh. For our friend of my friend, Martha.

Poor Martha. Because this bitch licks her finger presses it to the unidentified white powder. Martha, this isn't fun dip land. What are you doing and taste it. No. No.

No. That's the wrong answer. I can't even say the thing I was about to say, but you shouldn't be taking any white powders without testing them. No. You should have. All white powders should be tested. Well, this white powder tastes like salt. And when Martha goes to check all the other plants, as in once again, continues to lick this unidentified white substance. I know you work at a doctor's office, but healthcare is still not free. What are you trying to do, girl?

Martha confirms that all the plants have seemingly been salted. And Martha Googles what happens when you put salt in plants. And the answer is they die. Wow, I wish I'd know this earlier. So I have three questions for you. All right. Hit me. The first one is, would you assume that the unidentified white substance that tastes like salt is salt?

No. Because there are other substances that taste like salt. Lots of things taste salty. Yeah. baking soda powder one of them does also like one don't be tasting things too like no you're not a chemical engineer you don't know what that is stop second question if it is salt who do you think assaulted these plants oh my god who has assaulted the plants i don't think it's dr clementine because dr clementine that type of woman does not do her own dirty work.

Someone else does it. We got to have a named character, right, is my guess. My main suspects are Dr. Delgado. Mm-hmm. Because suck up. Good choice. And Lucy. She's mean.

And final question. What should Martha do here besides maybe get a checkup from the doctors to make sure she hasn't poisoned herself? Step one, I would make sure. that you haven't been poisoned. Yeah. Step two, throw the plants away. Yeah.

Now all your problems are solved. It's true. Step three, vacuum. Yeah. Maybe actually step one, call your employee, tell him, we don't actually need you today. You said, Tori, you have an extra day of Christmas break. I said, Tori, it's so crazy. We don't need you today.

Why don't you stay home? Then I make sure I'm not poisoned. Throw the plants away, vacuum. And then when Tori comes back, you say, I don't know what happened. That's crazy. What happened? Yeah, Martha doesn't know exactly who is responsible. She's going through the same kind of mental row decks that you're going through.

It's like, okay, maybe, yeah. But she's also like, I'm not getting paid enough to investigate any of this shit. Okay, could not be me, but love that for her. Well, Martha's also like, I feel like if I accuse anyone outright, I'm in danger of losing my job. Yeah, you shouldn't be accusing people of things at work. That's not right. You can't be doing that. And Martha's also like, it'll be bad for morale in the office as she tells everyone that there's a plant murderer in the midst.

Yeah, you could just throw them all away. So Martha takes all the plants at the back of the building to give them. And shoots them. With a gun. No, she, like, gives them a deep soak to, like, flush all the salt out of the soil. I know. Eldist daughter. The only plan she brings back inside is Tori's Potho Shakira.

Then she sits down on her computer and dress an email to the whole staff. She says, I have decided to go in a new direction with the decor. Oh. No more plants in common areas. You can keep them in private offices. or take them home. Okay. The office plants are out back and they're all up for grabs first comfort served. Nice. Yeah. Beautiful. And I do think that's a nice balance because Shakira is Tori's plant. Yeah. So like Tori should get to take her home. Yeah. But although she's dead.

Dying. Yeah. Dying. Everyone trickles into work. The plants disappear. Some of the people's cars, some of the doctor's offices, like the personal offices. Tori sulks through. his and Martha's whole check-in. Like, Martha asked him work questions, personal questions, how is your Christmas? And Tori's just, like, stone-faced and speaking in single syllables. Is he still doing his job? That's fine. He, like, tucked his hands

in his little granny square jacket and just, like, stares at the ceiling until Martha lets him go back to his desk. He'll get over it. This guy is a yapper. He'll get over it. Martha's like, you know, at least he didn't quit on the spot.

But Tori is kind of a fragile thing. Yeah. He's like a plant. Well, we're almost something of our story. How are you feeling? Not good, man. This isn't good.

I don't like that Shakira is almost dead. I don't like... I do like that all the plants are gone, finally. But it is a huge nightmare to lose your favorite employee and your workwife and the person who makes your job good. So I do get that that Martha doesn't want Tori to go.

And that this feels like it could accelerate the process of him leaving. That is sad. And I feel bad for her. And I would probably be stressed too. Well, at the end of the day, Martha's like in the storero behind the front desk when she hears Dr. Delgado leaving. And Dr. Delgado stops by Tori's desk. And he points to Shakira on Tori's desk. And he asks, do you need any help taking this one out to your car?

And Tori's like, no, thanks. It's staying right there. And Dr. Dogado's like, didn't you see Martha's email about the new policy? And he's like, yeah, this is my office. Tori says, I may not have my own office, but I'm pretty sure this is my desk. Yeah. And this is the point where Martha comes out the storeroom to break this up. She's just like, Dr. Dogato, are you taking off?

Have a good night. Bye, bye. Queen. And Dr. Dogato just sort of like grumbles and leaves. Yeah, that's fine. The monthly doctor meeting is the Friday after Martha Discovered. covers the assault. The assaulting.

She waits until they get through the agenda before she's like, I need to discuss something uncomfortable. Martha, terrible lead. You're going to free people out. It's just some plants. They're all gone. Martha's like, when I came in after the holidays, there was salt in the office plants. I believe whoever salted the plants wanted to kill them. Most of the doctors look stunned. Uh-huh.

Some of them kind of look amused. Some of them seem worried. Martha gets a ton of questions like, who would do this? Totally. How did you know what was salt? Yeah, that's also the question I have. To which Martha is like, I tasted it. And this is a room full of doctors.

So they're all immediately like, oh, no. And how many days ago is it? And what kind of sentence was you had since then? Can we get some blood work done? Yeah. Yeah, Martha's like, that's not important. Stop asking questions.

Martha, it is important. She's like, what is important is that this is why I rehomed all the office plans. She tells the doctor she is not yelled to tell Tori that his gigantic pathos was assaulted. And she's hoping his plant will make a full recovery. Yeah. She's like, I still don't know who the culprit is. And I haven't asked the building for their security footage yet because I wanted to bring this to y'all first. This is like when your mom comes to your room and it's like, are you going to tell me or am I going to have to find out? Yeah.

Martha's like, which one of you did this? Yeah, confess. There's silence for a moment. Mm-hmm. And then Dr. Clementine speaks. She's like, Martha, you do know who's responsible. It's pretty clear. She's so smart.

I'm in love of her. Martha's like, mm-hmm. Martha's like, was it me? She's like, it's not clear to me. I don't know who it was. And then Dr. Clementine says, well, obviously I did it. She said, I told you all not to bring the plants to the new building. They're tacky.

And I cannot pull another rubber tree leaf from a toddler's throat. It is a new year. I love her. She's right and she should say it. And then Dr. Clementine's like, I gave you a chance to deal with Tori, but you didn't take it. I don't want anyone else to get blamed for this, though. So you can tell Tori it was me. Wow.

Very magnanimous of her. But also Dr. Clementine's like, I don't care of Tori hates me. That's fine. She said, who? Yeah, yeah. Martha's like, Tori will be upset. And Dr. Clementine's like, I don't have a doctor named Tori. She said, none of the nurses are named Tori.

Yeah, I don't know who that is. The rest of the doctors are all mummering. Even Dr. Delgado looks uneasy. He's not sure if the end justified these means, you know. A doctor is not supposed to do death. Now, I normally ask us at the end, but I'm going to ask it now. Uh-oh. Do you think Dr. Clementine is a villain or just a woman?

who gets results. No, I respect her and I think she's right. I feel like you're about to do something that is going to make me regret saying that. But I think she's right. I think the plants should have been killed earlier. I think she's running this place well. She's got them a new office. There's no more tacky shit going on. I trust her with my help. Well, Martha is reeling because on one hand, Dr. Clementine did fix like a year's long headache. Yeah. On the other hand, Tori may be a fragile little flower, but he's Martha's fragile little flower. Yeah. So Martha's like, okay, we won't get any more plans, but Dr. Clementine, you have to leave

Tori's Pothos alone. It is his personal plan. It does not belong to us. Yeah, we've agreed. These are the rules of engagement. We've agreed that he's allowed to have it. Yeah, okay. Several of the doctors nod.

Uh-huh. And Dr. Clementine blinks for a moment before being like, I can live with one plant in the office. But the vines have to be. trim back from toddler height. Yeah. Okay. Great. Hang them up. Which Martha does feel is fair compromised. If you don't want to trim the vines, you can take the plant home. Exactly. I think this is totally fair. So this becomes the new status quo. They become a one-plant office and they remain a one-plant office to this day. And somehow, against all odds, Martha, Tori, Dr. Delgado and Dr. Delgado and Dr. Clementine also work there together. Wow. That's beautiful. The morning

Sound Bowl ritual does still cause problems. Yeah, I believe that. I believe that entirely. But you know, they've done studies that show that if everyone has a common enemy at work, the happiness quotient of the workplace goes up. It's true. So it's actually probably good. But Tori's in there doing the soundball and everyone's like, oh my God, the soundball is going to ruin my life. Because you know what, that's camaraderie. It gives the anger out at the beginning of the day. Yeah, then you're done. Yeah. Then you can focus on the weed children sneezing in your face. And that is the end of our story.

Oh, my God, it was incredible. Thank you so much for having me. I do have some updates. Uh-oh. But first. I thought the update was that they were still working together. Have your thoughts on Dr. Clementine's villain status changed at all. No, she's by queen.

I thought for sure she was going to kill the pathos. And you know what? I was going to back her. And you said it would have been fine with me. I said, Simon, me. Dr. Clementine could shoot me. and I'd say thank you. I would.

She's like Lydia Tarter to me. I'm like, run me over with a truck, babe. And the thing is, Dr. Clemente could sell you back up. She could. She can fix me. Dr. Clemendtie could fix me. She can.

Well, like I said, I do have a couple updates for you. Okay, hit me. Martha learned later that apparently Dr. Clementine apologized to every doctor individually after that meeting about the plants. Okay. But never to Martha and never to Tori. Oh, she's such a big.

I love her so much. She's like, I'll apologize to my peers. She is a villain, but I love her. Well, one day at a happy hour that went just like a little too late. Yeah, totally. Well, Martha ends up telling Tori about Dr. Clementine's assault of all the plants. Okay. And this actually ends up working in Martha's favor because Tori now feels he and Martha are being persecuted together.

Yeah. He's like solidarity, comrade. Yeah. Perfect. Common enemy. We love it. And Shakira, Tori's gigantic pop-os did make a full recovery. Wow.

I'm happy for her. I'm glad she's thriving. I'm glad her leaves are not being eaten by children. It remains on the front desk to this day. So it's still the first thing you see when you walk in the door. Though Tori did follow the new rules technically. Like he did not trim the vines, but he did install some hooks exactly into the walls. You know what?

That's the spirit of law. So the vines now hang above toddler height. So not only do they frame like the entire front desk area now, they're also starting to climb the walls of the lobby. A kid's parent recently told Martha, it's like the rainforest cafe in here. I'm so happy for Tori, but Dr. Clementine is about to kill that plant. Just shooting at the wall.

She should have done it earlier. She tried. Yeah, she should have tried again. And that's our story, Kelsey. Oh, my God. I loved it. Thank you for having me. Of course.

Wow. Wow. What a delight. It's honor to gossip with you once again. And you as well. Wow. Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at NormalGossip at Defector.com.

Or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679 Gossip. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or a friend of a friend at support normalgossip.com. You can follow the show. on Instagram and TikTok at Normal Gossip. You can follow me on all social media at Hey Dene. Subscribe to our YouTube channel at Defector Media to watch today's episode. Normal Gossip is written by me, Rachel Hampton, and J. Tolviera.

This podcast was produced by Sierra Spragley Ritz and J. Tolviera. Our audio engineer is Samantha Gatsy. Emily Cherish is our video editor. Theme music composed by Rishi Kesheirway. The co-creators and Dowager Queens and Normal Gossip are Kelsey McKinney and Defector's supervising producer Alex Tujong Loughlin. Justin Ellis is Defector's Projects Editor. Jasper Wang is Defector's Business Guy.

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and Ray Rodo for your help with this season. Thank you to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber-based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton, and remember, you didn't hear this for me. Radiotopia.