Normal Gossip - Amorphous Blob of Boy with Lauren Chan

Episode Date: September 2, 2026

Lauren Chan came on for a tale about a girl with too many suitors and too many roommates. We are now on YouTube. Be sure to follow us on there at @DefectorMedia where you can watch today’s episode.Subscribe to our newsletter for writing from Rachelle, Se'era, Jae, Alex, and Kelsey, plus blog recommendations and secrets!You can support Normal Gossip directly by buying merch or becoming a Friend or a Friend-of-Friend at supportnormalgossip.com.You can also find all kinds of info about us and how to submit gossip on our Komi page: https://normalgossip.komi.io/Episode transcript here.Follow the show on Instagram @normalgossip, and if you have gossip, email us at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at 26-79-GOSSIP.Normal Gossip is hosted by Rachelle Hampton (@heyydnae) and produced by Se'era Spragley Ricks (@seera_sharae) and Jae Towle Vieira (@jaetowlevieira). Our audio engineer is Samantha Gattsek. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Show art by Tara Jacoby. Theme music composed by Hrishikesh Hirway.Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

For 17 years, our fellow Radiotopian Nate DeMayo has been making this wonderful, wonder-filled history show. With each episode of the Memory Palace, Nate goes rummaging through the dustier corners of the past to find remarkable stories. They're simple, just Nate's voice and music, but they're special in a way that is often hard to describe. They're filled with surprising twists and turns. They're sometimes hilarious and sometimes heartbreaking. and often both all at once. And they're short. They could be seven minutes or ten or fifteen minutes

only as long as they need to be, as long as a dog walk or a subway ride or a quick run to the grocery store, but each of them has this odd way of changing your whole day. It's not for everyone, but it might deeply be for you. Find the Memory Palace at Radiotopia.fm or wherever you get your podcast. Hello and welcome back to season 10 of Normal Gossip.

I'm your host, Rachel Hampton. And in each episode of this podcast, we are going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. Today, our guest is none other than Lauren Chan. Lauren Chan is a model writer, actor and entrepreneur advancing size diversity, 2S-LGBQ Plus inclusion, and AAPI representation in fashion and media. After beginning her career as a fashion editor at Glamour, she founded the women's wear brand, which was acquired by Universal Standard in 2023.

She later became Sports Illustrated swimsuits first lesbian cover star and has appeared in Canada's drag race, Project Runway, Good Morning America, and The Devil Wears Prada too. Lauren, hello. Thank you so much for joining me. Hi. Thanks for having me. I'm so excited to be here. I love normal gossip.

Who does I love normal gossip? That really warms my heart so much. I really do pretend that maybe 10 people listen to the show. That's... You know what? If that helps you do a good job because you don't feel perceived, then you believe that. But baby, don't look at the download numbers. You're going to be upset and you're going to want to raise. Well, since you listen to the show, you know the question I'm going to ask, which is what is your relationship to gossip? It started when I was very young, probably formatively in high school.

I had a lot of shit said about me, particularly for being in a bigger body and Chinese in a small Canadian town. And I think that taught me to have a thick skin, know who my friends are, and get to know myself and be confident in myself. I think through my professional life, it has taught me a lot about navigating a ton of people. Like I work in a freelance capacity where I go to a set or a project, perhaps every day, a new team. And it helps kind of discern how to get along with people or who's safe or who, you know, I have to be super professional around who I can be myself. And then I think it's been protective in a lot of ways. A lot of shitty people I've avoided because I've heard the shit people say about you. Hell yeah.

It's important. I mean, that makes me want to ask, how do you feel like gossip functions in the modeling world? Like, you, it's not the only thing you do. So I'm curious as to how you feel like it moves specifically in that space where it's so image forward. I've avoided really problematic photographers because of what I've heard people say that they have done to them to answer your question, an industry that is kind of unregulated. You know, like we're not employees with HR boards. Gossip is definitely a way of protecting ourselves and navigating who we want to work with

and associate ourselves with. Yeah, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I find that in contract work, freelance world, is even more important to know who you're working with, especially because like there's no regulations. There's no HR. There's no going to like the board of like. equal opportunity because you're not really employed. 100%.

And I've heard pieces of gossip that range from like this photographer is sexually aggressive in a workplace to this client actually isn't paying people. And on the verge of being threatened to go public by the people that are owed money, they get paid. And then it kind of starts again with the next cycle of people if they don't hear that gossip. And so, yeah, there's a multitude of ways in which gossip exists in the glamorous world of fashion. That makes a lot of sense.

This is reminding me of the America's Next Top Model Reality Check documentary, which feels, it feels, I'm getting mental images the way. So my girl. You good?

No one was good on that set. No one was good. No. But a little birdie told me that you have some gossip for me. Oh, I do. I mean, the truth is I had so many gossip stories.

We had a hard time picking. Yes. And there's lots of people who are have been saved by the producers and editors. So my gossip for today is about the fashion industry. And it's like a fun gossip. So over my course of 15 years as a model, I've had tons of kinds of clients. The most fun to talk about kind or the high fashion kind, right? They're those people and brands and names that you think of when you think fashion with a capital F. And when you are a model and you're in hair and makeup, you especially for a fashion client, can be in that chair for like four hours.

you know, enough time had passed where they started telling me stories about because I would ask about like the 90s and what it was like because I'm so enthralled by that era of fashion and art in New York City. And this person ended up telling me that they used to be a dominatrix, which like I live. And so among the favorite stories of this person, I have one that is a absolute standout. And this is not to kink shame because get your life. This client that she had that was a cis straight man and he would come in and my makeup artist and the person or people that they were also working with would get fully dressed up in medical garb they would have like a room that was made to look like a medical room and I believe that the person was put on like a

gurney with or a table with stirrups and as they were kind of you know doing their work said work would come to completion when a cabbage patch kit was pushed shoulders out of the crowning anus. And then, you know, the release, as my romance novels call it, would happen. And yeah, that was that. And he'd be back next week. And so I really loved that piece of gossip because it told me so much about who this makeup artist was. I really just think that they're such a fucking badass and are so interesting and have lived through so much of what it meant and means to be part of New York City's sex positive community and queer community and fashion and art epicenter.

And I think that that's what people love about New York City, right? Like where else in the world can you go to work and hear a story about someone pushing a cabbage patch kid out of their ass? Yeah. I think what you're describing is something that I do feel like is lost with algorithms and trends and people trying to like fit themselves into marketable boxes, which is the death of the character. Yeah. You're describing a real character. There really is a lid for every pot. I have a lot of questions.

There is a lid for every pot. Yeah. I just have a lot of questions about the logistics that I'm not sure you'll be able to explain to me. Hey, let's try together. I'm like, how do you, how is the cabbage patch? kid inserted and then how is it pushed out you have to have a lot of pelvic floor control i think to be able to do that i would think that you would get it in pretty easily with some loop yeah and a forceful hand okay well that's actually kind of a perfect segue i love it that was your only question you're like

how but the feet yeah i mean i have more questions but i also have a story to tell you okay and the story that I'm telling you actually is kind of visceral. Okay. So I do feel like your gossip story segue is kind of perfectly into this. So are you ready? I'm so, I'm, yes, I'm so ready. Perfect. Now, we normally do not do this, but I know a lot of you all listen to this while you're

cooking or eating, and I, I just wouldn't recommend that today. Do it at your own peril. That visceral? Let's get into it. Okay. So our friend of our friend today is named Athena, and Athena's life is about to change. So for the past four years, Athena has been busting her ass in college in an expensive-ass town that she hates. But it's all about to pay off because Athena has just been accepted to her number one graduate program.

It is across the country in Santa Barbara, which is definitely still expensive, but it never snows. So Athena's like, I cannot wait to say goodbye to undergrad and the concept of wind chill. The day that Athena gets her acceptance letter, she's obviously super excited. She tells her boyfriend immediately. They've been dating since spring of freshman year. So basically all four years of college. He knows exactly how much Athena wanted to get into this graduate program. So like he should be happy for her.

Right? I feel like I should say right. Wrong. He picks that moment to start a fight. He's like, and what am I supposed to do? Just follow you? And at one point, bike gets so bad that this man snatches Athena's car keys out of her hands and throws them across

a parking lot. Have you ever had like a partner or a friend who just couldn't stand to see you shine? Like they would choose your big moment to throw a tantrum. I love that I'm hearing this red to me to my face. You guys, I highly recommend being on this podcast. It is something else to like hear it in my headphones daily. But like to be sitting here is crazy. I'm having an auto body experience. But also, yes, I know what friend you're talking about. But never a partner. So that's, that's tea. I read this when it got submitted.

And I was just like, he did what? When? See, I'm a lesbian. So I'm like, of course he did. Of course he did. What are you doing with that man? And you're right. What are you doing with a man?

Well, Athena does not just remember this day as the day where she finally achieved like a long held dream because of all of her hard work. She also remembers it as the day where her relationship of four years imploded. And also the date that sort of kicked off this whole story. Because Athena and her ex were living together. So our girl is now in need of temporary short-term housing in February in an expensive-ass college town. Have you ever found yourself in this kind of situation? Like, not necessarily because of a romantic relationship, but just like having to find short-term housing in unideal conditions. Yes, my first New York City apartment was a Craigslist situation, friend of a friendie.

It worked out so well. Great. sisters for life, but could have been dead. Could have been killed. Could have. Craigslist? I've tried to find housing on Craigslist. It's never actually really worked out for me. Yeah. Maybe for the best. Well, you kind of guess where this is going. The story takes place in 2007, so there's no Facebook housing groups. Zillow had just gotten founded, I think. So Athena turns to Craigslist. I did know. You did know. Athena is running into kind of a similar issue I ran into on Craigslist, which is trying to find housing in a competitive housing market.

Everyone is trying out. Her college is in a town that has like a real like town and gown dynamic where the permanent residents low key, high key hate the university and the students. So any attempts made to build new student housing are like immediately shot down, which makes it hard to find non-dorm housing at the best of times. And February is not the best of time. Right. What is the most amount of people you've ever lived with? I lived with technically four roommates, one on the couch with one bathroom in a four-story walk-up. So five, including me. You said one bathroom?

Yeah. Oh, my God. We just got really comfortable. Like, you kind of just have to say, I'm going to shit in the hallway if you don't. If you don't get out. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think the ideal amount of people to live with is?

One. I'm a zero. Yeah. My cat. Hey, cats are people. They are. I mean, I'm going to get a lot of fanfare for that one. And you are.

I can feel it. Well, the first real housing lead that Athena finds is in a big house full of girls. It's a five-bedroom house. There are eight girls living there. And at first, this seems perfectly fine. Athena would have to share a room. That's crazy. But the house, when she tours it, it's really clean.

Okay. It's relatively well furnished. There's a chore chart on the fridge. Okay. The rent is only about 15. more expensive than what she's currently paying with her ex. So Athena's like, what's the catch? That's about five minutes into the house tour.

15 minutes into the house tour. It becomes extremely obvious what the catch is. And the catch is that all eight of these girls absolutely fucking hate each other. As they're explaining the extensive list of house rules, it's like factions and alliances are forming and breaking right before Athena's very eyes. One of them even admits that they love to lock each other out when they're they're mad. Oh my God.

Then the girl who is clearly head bitch in charge tells Athena the most important rule, which is that 48 hours notice is required before any guest is allowed in the house. Is any of this a deal breaker for you? No, because like look at the position she's in. Like, truly, it sounds like this might be the only option here. So, listen, I hope it turns out differently, but okay, at least it's young women. Yeah. At least they're kind of like your peers and you got to be.

other. Maybe she's versed in girl warfare. Maybe she's going to Lindsay Lohan mean girls this. Exactly. That's a choice. That's a choice. This is kind of how Athena feels. It's not necessarily a deal breaker. But also, this is basically the first time in Athena's adult life that she's been single. And so she's not really trying to premeditate a hookup 48 hours in advance. Oh, got you. Yeah. Right. Yeah. She's entering her slut era. Exactly. Complementary. Yeah. She's like, I've got four months left in this undergrad town. It's my whore era. No one needs to see this.

Hard double-y-up. Exactly. So before it being a commenced, she decides to check out one more option she had found on Craigslist. And I would actually love to set the scene of this place for you. Okay. I'm going to send, I'm going to plant my feet. I'm going to close my eyes.

I'm ready. I was literally going to ask you to close your eyes. Yes. We're so insane. We are. We are. Here we go. Okay.

So first I want you to recall this. of the classic Oda Perform known as Axe Body Spray Imagine a can of Red Bull being cracked open sexy back by Justin Timberlake is playing my God I hate that song

Okay so where are you right now What notes are you tasting? What are you picturing? Oh God, I am in a house That where I went to college was known as like The Pussy Palace or something like that I forget what they called it. It was the boys athlete house. And they had so many boys living in here.

One of them lived under the stairs, like Harry Potter. And one of them had like a mirror on the ceiling. And then everybody would go like pregame there. So I guess that's where I am. Okay. You can open your eyes now. Once again, we're in sync. Because this entire sensory experience that you described,

the Pussy Palace is basically exactly what Athena walks into. When she steps into the four-based, bedroom house, a couple of blocks from campus. This house has six other people living in it, and five of these six people are boys. Do not picture the boys from off campus. These are normal boys in all their 20-year-old boy glory. It is 2007, so they play hacky sack and Ultimate Frisbee. Their main mode of transportation is the skateboard, though for some reason one of them has a segue.

The Segway is the first thing the boys show Athena on the house tour. And then they give her a tour the rest of the house. And the rest of the house is, actually, before I describe it, what would you expect a house populated by 20-something boys to look like? Remember, this is before social media alerted them to the existence of fitted sheets and non-3-1 shampoo. Yeah, no, I can smell it. I've been there.

Like, I know. And I went to college a little after that time. but like really I was there. Yeah, we're talking like I said, someone was living under the stairs, just kind of like sleeping on the floor-ish. There's probably a little mattress in there, probably a single, like a twin.

Someone had a dog in a room that just kind of never came out, I think. Mattresses on floors, the beard hair all over, all over the bathroom, just like the sink and the bathroom covered in beard hair. No, this house is absolutely. disgusting. Unfortunately, it's a test I didn't want to pass that I just, I've been there.

I feel like that's the normal gossip experience of, I didn't want to be right. But I know I am. I didn't want to be right. It's so funny. I turned up to scream into the microphone. Scream. Yeah. As you accurately predicted this house is disgusting. The bathrooms are filthy. The couch in the living room is almost certainly some sort of biohazard, and it's also seemingly the only real piece of furniture in the house. The living room windows have bed sheets tacked over them, and there are just piles of smelly gym shoes in the corners. So many shoes that Athena's like, are there even more boys hiding somewhere in here? Under the stairs, girl, look under the stairs. I will not be naming any of these boys. Just sort of think of them as like an amorphous blob of boy.

because this is basically how Athena perceives them. Three of the boys share the biggest bedroom. What? And these three were randomly assigned to each other as roommates freshman year, which they tell Athena was clearly the universe intervening to cement their brotherhood for life. They do not plan to stop sharing a room until they get married. The other two boys share another bedroom. And the third bedroom would be Athena's all to herself.

And you know, glory of all glories, the room's actually clean. It has a huge window. It has its own sink. The rent will be $400, which is about $100 less than what she paid with her ex. The fourth bedroom in the house is occupied by a 27-year-old woman from New Jersey who is not present during Athena's tour. Though the boys inform Athena that her name is Courtney and she goes by Coco for short. This is basically all the information Athena has before she has to make a decision. So are you moving in with the dirty amorphous blob of boy or with the clean but somewhat prudish girls who hate each other?

Girls who hate each other. I'm picking the girls. Who are you picking? I'm picking the girls. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. I grew up with brothers. I have two brothers.

I'm the only girl. I did your time. Never sharing a room with a man ever again. Never sharing a bathroom with a man ever again. Yeah. And here is where me and our friend of a friend diverge. And you, because Athena's like, I'd rather live in a clean room in a dirty house and bring over whoever I want than deal with whatever bullshit these girls have going on.

Okay. This is a sex positive house I would. will say. I forgot about the era that she's in. I was so transported to a place of trauma that I had previously wiped from my memory. But yeah, that's a sex positive house. Yeah. I'll give them that. And since the rent and the dirty house is so cheap, Athena's like, I'll be able to save up some money for my big move. In the fall, she'll sell her car for one last boost of cash and then head across the country for grad school. So Athena signs the lease with the dirty boys.

And not a legal document. Girl. Legally binding. As Athena told us, and I quote, the natural horrors did await her, a selection of the horrors that awaited Athena. Within 12 hours of moving in, Athena cleans her bathroom at the end of the house to make it usable. And by the end of the week, all of the boys are showering in there.

And they tell her it's because the other one's dirty. One night, Athena comes home to a plate of Vienna weenies. inexplicably garnished with an entire stick of butter, just left out on the counter. It's still there in the morning. Also, because it's 2007, it is the heyday of the wee. And of course, these boys are really into wee, especially wee bowling. Their favorite thing in the world is to fill the house with the smell of cheap weed smoke and then start an hours-long weed bowling tournament at 10 p.m. on a Wednesday.

Okay, so that explains the sausages. And it does. Although, what are you doing with it? Girl, one time I put chocolate in pasta and I was like, I like both these things, it's going to work. I think that makes more sense. It was still in the pot the next morning. That makes more sense. Mollay is a sauce with chocolate in it.

It could go on pasta. And you know what? None of us are perfect roommates. I'll be vulnerable. I leave things in weird places. Like, one time my roommate had to be like, Rachel, why is the mayonnaise in the sink? That's an oopsie. It was an accident.

And it was recent enough to when I made the sandwich that the mayonnaise was. still good. So like, yeah, that's an oopsie. Thank you. What are your little like cohabitating quirks? Oh, well, I'm perfect. Um, I have a feeling. And anyone I've ever lived with is not. No, I'm kind of, I guess I'm like the anal one. And so I like the other day my wife left out, was it mayo? It was something like mayo or the salt or a dressing and I just put it away. But I don't say I just like put it away because that's how I understand my brain works versus how her brain works. She's just like on to the next thing. And then when I lived with a man, we had separate bathrooms. And so I feel kind of like you're allowed to do what you want to do

if it's your own bathroom. The sin in this is that they started using Athena's bathroom. But my things are I'm annoying because of that. Like I don't leave stuff, but I can sometimes I hear myself and I'm like, give it a rest. Give it a rest girl. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like it's good to have both of those people in the house. They marry each other. There's two kinds of people and they marry each other. Yeah. Well, over the next few weeks, Athena starts to be able to vaguely distinguish the boys in

the blob from each other. Like, there's the boy who she never sees without his beanie. And then there's Segway boy who, despite owning a Segway, which, by the way, costs like a grand minimum. Oh, at the time? For sure. If not, way more. Yeah.

Despite this, this boy who owns a Segway is so broke that at the beginning of the week, he gets three orders of chicken chow main from like the Chinese place down the street and makes that last for a whole week. I mean, support local Asian business. And I've always said that. When Athena's like, so how did he pay for the Segway? One of the other boys is just like, that's his story to tell. But Segway Boy himself will only say, I want to bet.

However, at no point does Athena ever see her fifth roommate Coco. Athena will occasionally hear about her from the boys, but none of the information she gets is particularly helpful. Like pretty soon after Athena moves in, Segway Boy tells us. her, Coco's really specific. He's like, not necessarily in a bad way, but she never lets us borrow her socks. Do you know what happens when we give boys socks when they're like basically prepubescent? Oh my God.

I've seen it in the movies, people. I didn't even think about that. I wouldn't be giving them anything of mine. And you're right. And you're right. Yeah. Beanie Boy informs Athena that all three pairs of scissors in the kitchen are Cocoes, but she has expressly forbade any of the boys from using them, which makes sense to Athena. I have seen a man use scissors on their pubic hair. We have tools for that. You wouldn't be,

they're not investing. They're not. They're not watching Shark Tank. They should be. They're using whatever Coco left around the house and the bathroom that was cleaned by Athena. Okay. Yes. Yes. You're also forbidden from using my scissors. Yeah. Amen. Yeah. I haven't given you a lot of information, but Athena also doesn't have a lot of information. So what do you think of Coco so far? Do you think she's real? If I was genuinely in this circumstance, I would be telling my friends like, this bitch is not real. Yeah. Like, there's no way. Yeah.

But now that I'm thinking about it, the she goes by Cocoa line, it's kind of like when you lie and you just like say too much, you like develop the backstory to yourself that you don't need to share with people because it's actually a tell. So let's see if I'm right. Well, the biggest Lord Drop comes when Athena finally decides to tackle the fridge because it is packed full of shit, but nothing in there looks edible. It takes a whole weekend, but finally Athena confirms that not a single item in the fridge belongs to Coco, like not even a bottle of mustard. So finally, Athena sits down some of the boys and she's like, is Coco your girlfriend from high school? What is going on?

Is she real? And the boys finally dropped some more lore. Apparently two of them had come home after winter break and found cocoa on the couch naked and smoking a cigarette. That is so punk because of the biohazard that the couch is. Like, we have an open reproductive system, girl. Literally, Athena's first thought is, I would not put my naked ass cheek anywhere near that couch.

And that's why she's alive to tell the story. Exactly. Exactly. And the boys smoke weed in the house all the time. So besides the nudity, this story doesn't seem like a particularly big deal. Except apparently this happened right after some of the boys' friends sent them multiple pictures of Coco on the Segway cruising through downtown on New Year's Eve. Naked?

No. I know. But scooting without permission is tantamount to a crime in this house. Oh, God. How much weed do you have to smoke to, like, be like these boys? A lot more than I do. Well, words were exchanged about wearing clothes in the house and scooting without permission. And basically none of the boys have seen Coco since.

They tell Athena that they're pretty sure she's staying with her boyfriend. Athena's like, and Coco's paying her rent, right? And the boys are like, yeah, of course we're not idiots. Athena's a little bit like, that's one less person to have to fight for a shower. Okay. And she's also like, if I had somewhere else to stay, I would also be taking advantage of it. So she's like power to Coco. And the thing is Athena's kind of doing her best to get like Coco.

She is spending as much time away from the house as possible. True. She's taking extra shifts at her waitressing gig to save up for the move. And when she does have free time, she's going on dates. Does Athena have to bring all of her guests in through the back door? Otherwise, all her roommates will go, ooh, like they're in third grade. Yes, she does. But Athena's having fun hooking up with people.

She's very much appreciating. She does not have to give you one 48 hours notice of their comings and goings. These are equal opportunity hookups, mostly men, a few women. Hey, I knew I liked her. And the thing is Athena would happily date more women, but it's 2007. so the pickings are a little slim. Like, online dating isn't really a thing yet. And I don't think people were walking up to each other

and asking if they're gay yet, which I feel like people do now, especially in New York. But nevertheless, Athena persist. Two of her favorites get not just second dates, but third and fourth and fifth dates. So our primary bachelor is a dual citizen of the U.S. and Argentina who lives in the apartment complex on the corner. He has a motorcycle.

He eats green onions like a cow does clothes. just. Wow. Okay. Why? Like a health reason? Like an old Argentinian health secret? Maybe.

Maybe. Yeah. This man says women should be taken care of and that his ex never had to pay rent. He was dishonorably discharged from the military back in Argentina, but he doesn't like to talk about it. I was like, that sounds okay. But then you have to understand that in real life and practice, this is giving Carlos from desperate housewives. Right? Like Gabby's taken care of.

She's got everything she could want. But he's very controlling. And she really, although she kind of is into it, at least in the beginning, is trapped. Yeah. Yeah. Well, luckily Athena has other options. Okay. Our primary bachelorette is a friend of a friend who Athena met at a party.

She's cute, but kind of boring. She has two elderly chihuahuas. She went on a trip to Mexico after hanging out with Athena for the first time. So Athena actually hasn't spent like a top. ton of time with our bachelorette. Two elderly chihuahuas and a spontaneous trip to Mexico does not sound boring to me. That's real. And she brought Athena home in Armadillo Bobbo Head from Mexico.

I mean. Cute. I mean. Yeah. Which is like the modern day equivalent of like a Jimothy T-shirt from Etsy. I'd be in love. Jimothy. I'd be in love, Jimithee.

Well, I have a feeling what your answer is, but thoughts and feelings about Athena's options. Who are you going with? Bachelorette. Yeah. Bachelorette. Yeah. Well, some time passes. Athena doesn't make a choice.

She just works and dates. She doesn't feel pressured to, like, lock anything down. She still never meets her six roommate, though. And she's not ashamed to admit that she's even peeked into Coco's room a few times. There is a bed and some furniture in there, but everything else is covered in, like, a thin layer of dust. And honestly, the vibes are kind of spooky because there's no window in this room. I was just going to say spooky. Yeah.

Athena's like, you know what? I would also spend as little time here as possible. Like Athena is already trying to spend as little time here as possible, and her room has a window. But unfortunately, neither of her dating prospects really have, like, ideal living situations either. Athena's Bachelorette lives with her two elderly chihuahuas in a cottage in an English professor's backyard, which is very picturesque. It even has a working fireplace. The only problem is the bed is a twin extra long.

And there's simply not enough room for two chihuahuas and two people. in a twin extra long. I wouldn't kick my dog out of the bed. My cat sleeps under the sheets during the winter. Yeah. Yeah. That's so sweet. But this is literally like literally a dream scenario to me.

Yeah. But I get that she thinks she's boring because she's in her slut era. Exactly. But I digress. The bachelor's apartment is way cleaner than Athena's house, but for some reason he has an actual bear trap mounted on the wall.

Yeah, I'm like, but that's giving American psycho level of cleanliness. Yeah. I don't know. I could convince myself out of a man no matter what but girls like just like be a little bit paranoid i think it might serve us well every morning the bachelor spends an hour locked in the bathroom touching up his beard and his hairline there you go and also when he saw athina taking a melatonin before bed he told her that melatonin is a siop oh that's strange yeah that's see that's not the kind of guy i thought it was i had a friend who

dated somebody who well loosely dated somebody who um ended up telling her that he is a flat earther and doesn't pay taxes or like doesn't believe in taxes. And she turned the segue right around. Yeah. Okay, could. But they like hide these things and then they get comfy enough and they come out. Yeah. And this reminds Athena that she still doesn't know exactly why this man was dishonorably discharged from the Argentinian military. Maybe because it's more of a ninth date conversation. Neither of these options are appealing to me. Really, I must say. But if you have to choose, I'm assuming you're going with the elderly chihuahuas. Chihuahua. cottage English professor.

Hey. Well, one day near the end of April, the bachelor drops Athena off at the house. Just in time for Athena to see a random car pull out of the driveway with a bunch of stuff packed into the backseat of the trunk. Athena goes inside and one of the boys is like, you just miss Coco. Athena's like, what was she doing? And the boys say, I don't know. Getting some stuff.

The door to Coco's room is open. Athena looks in. There's still a bed in there as in like a bare mattress, but literally everything I was. is gone. And Athena's like, do you think she's moving out? And the boys say, no, she's on the lease. And Athena is the first to admit, she's still figuring her shit out, but she's not convinced by this argument. She's like, are you sure she isn't leaving? It doesn't sound like you guys talk a lot. And the boy's like, quit worrying. She's just taking some stuff to her boyfriends. Are you worried? She's moved out.

Well, May 5th rolls around and they all get an email from their landlord. He says everyone sent in rent except for Coco. He says he tried to give her a call, but she didn't pick up. He says that the terms of their lease make them, quote, all jointly and severally liable, which means they must pay for the rent. So they need to come up with an additional $500 to cover Coco's portion of the rent in the next 48 hours, which is when he'll not only start charging interest, but beginning eviction proceedings. And that's monthly. That's 500 monthly. Athena's panicking.

She has plans for like every dollar of her savings. She goes out to the kitchen to discuss with the boys, which is when she realizes none of them check their emails. So they're all like, what are you talking about?

And Athena's like, go check your fucking email, please. We have a problem. Which is followed by a wave of bro, no way! Just rolling through the house. Everyone comes back to the kitchen

to discuss. the boys are like, well, she has to pay. She's on the lease. And Athena is like, no, she doesn't have to pay. And she explains what jointly and severally liable means. The boys are drooping. They are crestfallen. They have never looked more defeated in their entire lives.

Several of them texts Coco from rent money, but she ignores them all. So you're Athena. What would you do? Go live at the cottage. I would do what Coco did before I have to be the last soccer standing. That's really smart. I'm following my team capital. You said Coco is in charge, actually.

Yes. Because, listen, you're in that scenario. You're Athena. You know it's on your shoulders. You have to manage them. They don't read their email. It's like hurting cats. No offense.

I am out of there. Yeah. That's smart. Athena's like, okay, well, this obviously sucks, but $500 split between six people is not that much money. Let's just find a way to pay Coco's share for the month and then we'll find someone to take over her room. And the boys are like, oh, man, Athena, we can't. Sorry.

See, that's a checkers move, not a chess move. The chess move is knowing that you're going to end up, the last sucker responsible for all these idiots. I know. And you just got a dip already. I know. I'm giving it up for Athena being like 21, 22 senior in college. Respect to Athena. Yeah.

And apparently these boys who are not exactly financially savvy at the best of time. Not exactly. decided to pull all their collective cash to buy one giant sack of rice, one giant sack of beans, a brand new PlayStation 3, controllers for everyone, and call of duty. So all of them have less than $10 in their bank accounts,

and none of them have credit cards. So if they want this bill to get paid, Athena will have to cover for Coco in full. It sounds like you're not sucking it up. It sounds like you're leaving these boys on the hook. Oh, my God. Why? Why would you, why would anyone go out of their way for these people?

Like, and not in like a mean way, but like a, hey, looks like you guys got yourself into a situation that unfortunately I'm not going to go down with. I just not what I signed up for. Yeah. So best of luck. Hope you get part-time jobs. Best regards. Yeah. Polished off your resume. Yeah. Yeah. Athena calls the landlord. She's like, can we just find someone else to take over the room? and the landlord says, no, you can't put a new tenant in that room because Courtney has not officially notified me that she's leaving.

Athena's like, we don't have another $500 to pay for her room. And the landlord's like, you got to figure it out. Athena's like, can you contact her another way? The landlord's like, you can contact her if you want. And Athena says, I don't know this woman, sir. We've never met. To which the landlord is like, how do you not know your own roommate? And Athena's like, kind of gag me there.

Yeah, it's a good question. Ultimately, the landlord agreed to extend them 72 hours to get the funds, but he says that's all he can do. Talking to the landlord did give Athena an idea, though. She's like, since Coco and I have never met, she probably won't ignore me. So Athena gets Coco's number from the boys, and she sends Coco a nice but firm text saying that if she wants to move out, the boys can handle getting a new tenant to take over Coco's spot, but Coco needs to pay rent for May, and she needs to tell the landlord she's moving out. Athena in strong.

She's like, I really don't want to have to go after you in small claims court, so please just pay your rent. Three minutes later, Athena gets a text back that says, this number has been disconnected. However, the word disconnected is spelled incorrectly. Punk. Pretty punk. How would you respond to this? I mean, you got, I just would have known I got God.

Like, what am I going to do? I would be next in line to do exactly what Coco did. Because listen, if you're thinking chess, you're going to get evicted anyways in 72 hours. You might as well beat them out the door. Yeah. And like not have to deal with the intense stress of whatever this landlord is going to try to put on you from this joint legal document. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know.

You can't be mad at her. Well, Vina does have a bit of a temper. And we are a couple years removed from the hit movie Mean Girls. So with Dana cannot help herself from responding, boo, you whore. Not inappropriate. Not inappropriate. Before Athena tells the boys that they have three days to call their parents, sell the PS3, sell the Segway, sell some plasma, sell something, whatever they need to come up with at least some of Coco's rent. It does sound to me like they don't have jobs.

And you're right. At this moment, Athena packs her duffel bag and heads to the bachelor's house. They take a ride on his motorcycle. They take another kind of ride. Oh, girl, you got a house. situation to figure out. Hey, maybe that was her figuring it all. De-stressing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's decompressing. So by the time the Bachelor drops her out the next morning, Athena's feeling like maybe she can get to September without any more crises. And then she

sees her car. Three of Athena's car tires have been slashed. The whole thing has been keyed. What? And the words, boo, you whore, has been keyed into her driver's side door. I was rooting for you. I was so into the strong, assertive, assured woman. Except the person who did it can't spell, so they spelled a whore without the W. Boo you horse. Any guesses as to who the culprit is? Oh, no.

Yeah. But now I'm thinking, is it Coco? Ooh. Yeah. Well, I can't wait to find out. Well, Athena runs into the house where the boys are just getting their day started. And when Athena marches them outside to look at her car, they're all like, bro, no way. Damn, Athena, that sucks.

Without even knowing what Athena texted to Coco, one of the boys is like, it was definitely Coco. You know, she's insane. And all the boys are like, yep, but it was Coco. And Athena's like, excuse me, what do you mean she's insane? And the boys are like, what do you mean, what do you mean? They're like, we tell you Coco stories literally all the time. But while they're waiting for the cops to arrive, the boys catch Athena up on some lore she definitely did not know. Oh, God.

Apparently, Coco moved out here last year to be with the guy she met on Reddit. That's the first. I've never heard that. It happens, which is surprising because Reddit is an anonymous platform. Yeah. Yeah. And people are their worst selves. Yeah.

Coco lied on her rental application and said she was a veterinarian, when in reality, she spent the winter working at a sandwich place. That's a big swing for an early 20-something. It's just not necessary, you know? Yeah. One of the boys has a buddy who saw Coco have a meltdown at the sandwich place a few weeks ago. She smashed a whole footlong full of pastrami and her manager's face and got fired on the spot. I kind of live.

He said, I'm back on Coco's side. I kind of really like that. That's so crazy. I'm obsessed. I respect a woman who is not conflict diverse. Oh, I fear I'm on the wrong side, though. Keep going. Athena's like, okay, cool, cool, cool. Would have been good to know all that before I texted this person.

Yeah, with a threat to small claims court. That's what did it. Yeah. And the boys are like, we've been telling you, weren't you listening? The cops arrive and they have Athena file a report, but they're not impressed by the Cocoa theory since there is no evidence besides a phrase from a very popular movie. They leave and now Athena has to figure out how she's going to get herself to work Since her car still has three flat tires We are almost at the end of our story Be real with me

Would you actually go to work after something like this happened Because I would be calling in sick True, no, but at this point Athena needs the money I know I know, I know The smart choice is to go to work But I don't handle

I know, I hear you It's up for debate It would depend on my baseline mental health that day Exactly, exactly. How did I wake up? On the right side of the bed? Yeah. You know?

But I do, I do. See, now she's got three tires to pay for it. Ugh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Athena's better than me. And as you pointed out, she also now has an additional unplanned expensive fixing her car. So she's like, I got to go to work.

So she texts The Bachelor, our motorcycle guy, who also has a car he never uses. She's like, hey, I'm so sorry to ask this, but I'm really in a bind. And I have work tonight. Is there any way that I could borrow your car or you could give me a ride? the restaurant's only 15 minutes away, I'll pay for your gas. The Bachelor responds, like, whoa, I think this is moving too fast for me. Can we take a step back? Oh, my God.

Right when you need them. Right when you actually need him. Just like a man. Damn. Again, I would call out sick at this point. And at this point, Athena. Yeah. Right?

At this point, Athena is strongly considering it. She is forced to ponder the state of her life in that moment. She's still on the hook for Coco's rent. She's down her car. She's down her dignity. She's at rock bottom. And this is when our bachelorette, the owner of the two elderly chihuahuas, text Athena to ask her how her day is going.

And even though this woman lives 45 minutes away and it's rush hour, she drops everything to come and give Athena a ride to work. Without Athena even asking her, Athena just started telling her about her day from hell. And here she comes like a night in shining armor with two elderly dogs. part of me wants to jump for joy and part of me is scared of the twists and turns that are coming out of your mouth

next. You said I can't trust you. I'm not going to embarrass myself again after being Team Coco I'm going to sit here quietly and shut up and listen. Well, something changes for Athena that day. She starts to get a sense of where the bar

maybe should be to date someone and starts hanging out with our bachelorette much more regularly. Her name is Jules, by the way. Eventually, Athena's insurance does cover fixing her car. Oh, yes, our girl's responsible. She had insurance. Yes, that's amazing.

And their landlord caves after hearing about the police report and lets them look for another roommate. Wow. Things are really coming up Athena. The boys do not sell anything. So Athena pays a $500, but the boys do manage to find another person to rent Coco's room after two weeks. So Athena ends up getting half of the money back.

Okay. Even so she does begrudge those boys every single one of those $250 to this day. And even after everything she has seen, she is somewhat stunned by the audacity when they just stop even pretending like they're going to pay her back. On the day she moves across the country to start grad school, Athena decides to follow in Coco's footsteps. She changes her number to free herself. She changes her number to free herself. She changes her number to free herself forever from this amorphous blob of boys and then preemptively blocks them just in case they somehow find her new number. That is the end of our story.

I do have a few updates for you. But first I want to ask, who do you think the villain is? I actually can't tell. The villain is capitalism. Yeah. To me, the lesson of the story is just be gay from the start, girl. Your siblings have a lot of heartbreak. And I do look in the mirror as I say that.

So I say it with love to anyone with whom that resonates. Listen, that's often, I think, the ending coda of our story is just be gay. Maybe do crimes. She did in the end. And she did. She did. Well, over winter break, Jules comes to visit Athena and Santa Barbara. And then a year into her program, Jules and her dogs move out there to join her.

Those elderly Chihuahuas have the time of their life in the sunshine. So good for their little good. joints. Oh, my God. Jules and Athena get engaged. Oh. Ah. That's so sweet.

I swear to God, if you've ruined that you could, if you're not going to say anything nice after this, just stop right now. Well, after gay marriage is legalized, they get married and they're together to this day. Oh, thank God. And one final update. Okay. Three years into their marriage, Jules makes a confession.

She wanted revenge for all the stress that Coco put Athena through. So that fall, after Athena was safely out of state, Jules tracked Coco down. She figured out where Coco's new job was. She was working at an ice cream shop. And she figured out which car was Coco's. And one day, Jules brought some surgical gloves as well as a baggie of shit she had collected from her own chihuahuas. over the course of many, many walks. She smeared the shit all over Coco's windshield.

And then she packed the rest into the underside of each of the door handles. And then Jules just sat and watched from her car as Coco's life decisions caught up to her. And that is what a lesbian will do for you if you are scoring. All I'm going to say is nobody ever better fuck with my wife. Because now I've heard that story. And actually, I wouldn't put it on the windshield because I wouldn't alert you to the fact that there was shit under the door handles. Oh, diabolical.

And I would put it like in the hood of the car so that it just smells. But good luck cleaning and in. Anyways. I'm doing too much. I'm giving too much away. Well, now that you know this, how does this make you feel about Jules? Does this change your opinion? No, I was a Jules head from the start.

And you were. And I was. Yeah. You said two otherly chihuahuas, a lovely cottage. I need to know their name. Sidebar, Jules, please reach out. Hopefully it was something like pain and panic. You know.

That'd be so cute. Yeah, or like lost and found. Like something's so cute. Probably was. Jill sounds awesome. Yeah, wow. I am so, so happy by the end of this story. Yay.

Shit included. Thank you for listening to normal gossip. If you have a gossip story, to share with us, email us at normalgossip at defector.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679 gossip. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or friend of a friend at support normalgossip.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at Normal Gossip. You can follow me on all social media at Hey Dene. Subscribe to our YouTube channel at DeFector Media to watch today's episode. Normal Gossip is written by me, Rachel Hampton, and J. Tolviera. This podcast,

Podcast was produced by Sierra Spragly Ricks and J. Tolviera. Our audio engineer is Samantha Gatsitt. Emily Cherish is our video editor. Theme music composed by Rishi Kesheirway. The co-creators and Dowager Queens in Normal Gossip are Kelsey McKinney and Defector's supervising producer Alex Tujong Loughlin. Justin Ellis is Defector's Projects Editor. Jasper Wang is DeFectors Business Guy.

Tom Lay is our editor-in-chief. This season was made in memory of Dan McLeod, who ran our merch store, which you can find at NormalGossip.com. we designed our show art. Thank you to Brandy Jensen, David Roth, Catherine Shue, Sabrina Embler, Chris Thompson, Dave McKenna, Patrick Redford, and Ray Roddo for your help with this season. Thank you to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber-based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. I am your host, Rachel Hampton, and remember, you didn't hear this for me.