Normal Gossip - Axe Clout and Blade Lore with Danielle Hewitt and Alex Barasch

Episode Date: August 12, 2026

Danielle Hewitt and Alex Barasch came on to explore what happens when a boy tries to get between a girl and her axe. We are now on YouTube. Be sure to follow us on there at @DefectorMedia where you can watch today’s episode.Subscribe to our newsletter for writing from Rachelle, Se'era, Jae, Alex, and Kelsey, plus blog recommendations and secrets!You can support Normal Gossip directly by buying merch or becoming a Friend or a Friend-of-Friend at supportnormalgossip.com.You can also find all kinds of info about us and how to submit gossip on our Komi page: https://normalgossip.komi.io/Episode transcript here.Follow the show on Instagram @normalgossip, and if you have gossip, email us at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at 26-79-GOSSIP.Normal Gossip is hosted by Rachelle Hampton (@heyydnae) and produced by Se'era Spragley Ricks (@seera_sharae) and Jae Towle Vieira (@jaetowlevieira). Our audio engineer is Samantha Gattsek. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Show art by Tara Jacoby. Theme music composed by Hrishikesh Hirway.Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Hey there, it's Rachel Hampton from Normal Gossip. Do you have a persistent family mystery? Are you desperate to find the author of your favorite book from childhood? Do you want to know what happened to the ducks that used to call home the pond in your local park? If stories like that are your jam, you have to listen to Hyperfixed, our fellow Radiotopia show from Alex Goldman. On Hyperfixed, you, the listener, write in with your problems, and Alex not only solves them, He exposes the hidden systems that causes those problems in the first place. Also, Hyperfix is currently gearing up for its first live show in September in Brooklyn. You can get tickets at Tickets.com.

Check out Hyperfix, a show that will bring a little order to the chaos of our world each week at hyperfixpod.com. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh my gosh. What? Hello and welcome to season 10 of normal gossip.

I'm your host, Rachel Hampton. And in each episode of this podcast, we are going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. We have been bringing back a lot of old friends to celebrate the 10th season of this show with us. And I thought I would keep those vibes going by introducing y'all to two of my oldest and dearest friends. If you've listened to the past few seasons closely, you have definitely. heard me reference these two a handful of times in season nine, episode eight, when I referenced that video that's like, you're freaking African Americans and Mark, and I'm rocking with Mark because Mark is rocking with us. Yes, one of today's guest is my Mark. Okay. Hey,

we all have a mark in our lives. And we share a mark, Rachel. We share a mark. I won't say too much on that, but I love that meme. And I actually sent that to our mark recently, and I said, this is you. This is you. Yep. And then there's a moment in episode eight of season eight where I described having a friend that's so competitive that it doesn't matter she wins. The other person also has to be sad about losing. Yeah. The other amazing thing about this person, our friend, is that the moment she sees somebody do something impressive, she says out loud, I could do that.

No. I think I could do that. Yes. She says it with a tenacity and a violence that's like sort of unsettling. Yes, that beautifully unsettling tenacity is also in the studio with us today. These two are truly some of my rider dies, and I thought it would be so fun to have them come embarrass me on mic. So please welcome Danielle Hewitt and Alex Barish to the show. Danielle Hewitt is a producer of Box's Daily News podcast and radio show Today Explained.

She has produced podcasts for Slate, Wired, Audible, the New Yorker, and Vanity Fair. Alex Barish is a culture editor at The New Yorker, where he writes about film, television, and the entertainment industry. Danielle, Al, thank you so much for joining me. Happy to be here. So excited.

This is maybe the first interaction we've had that's being recorded. That can't be true. Statistically. In this format, where we're all dressed up in a room. I look like this all the time. So you're right. I forget.

I've seen you just wake up with makeup on your face. Well, this is a first for me having some real actual best friends in the studio. I'm actually kind of scared, which is so funny because normally other people are scared. But I'm scared of what you guys are going to reveal about me over the course of the next hour. I think this is healthy. Of course you do. But people need to know. Do they?

They've waited long enough. Oh, my God. Okay. Well, the first question I have for you guys is usually I ask, what is your personal relationship to gossip? but I thought it would be funny to ask, what do you think our group relationship is to gossip as a unit? I feel this is sort of foundational to our friendship. I mean, obviously there were other factors,

including the Twilight novels, but whether I wanted that to be part of the origin story or not. You signed up for a Midnight Sun Reading Club in 2020. And here you are. I did. That was a self-inflicted wound. We all started in the same workplace, and I think a significant component about getting to know each other was about getting to

know the dynamics there and figuring out like having jobs and being in the world at the same time. So I think it's a crucial facet of a social bond. Yeah, totally. And I think there are times in the group chat where it's like, red alert. I need to see your face when I tell you this piece of information. It cannot be over the phone. It cannot be of me a text. This is like the highest of high pieces of gossip. Yes. And so that happens a lot. People getting summoned. Yeah. But also there will be a five minute voice memo that drops. Yes.

And then I'll be in the office and I can't listen to it yet. And you guys are sending like 50 texts in reply to this information. And I'm like, well, I guess I'll find out in three to four hours. What's going on? No, that's so real. Our group chat is either kind of quiet and we're just texting random news links and or jokes back and forth or it's can I see you in exactly two hours. I have something to tell you.

Or it's here's a five minute voice memo, listen to this right now. Leave the premises, do what you need to do. Call me on FaceTime. We have things to say. As two of the people who arguably know me the best in the world at this point, what is something that you think normal gossip listeners would be surprised to know about me? And please do not embarrass me. Hmm.

I'm trying to think what they don't know already. I'm actually quite private here. Do they know how much you love fan fiction? Actually, maybe not. Oh yeah, Rachel's a huge fan fiction, girlie. I've only ever read one fan fiction, and it is a fan fiction the length of war and peace, and it took me a week to read. She's excellent at picking things that other people will be, like lowbrow things that

other people will just be obsessed with, namely me. Like, she's my reality TV show concierge, and like, she really got me. It's called All the Young Dudes Ever going to Read it. Miss King Bean, 89. I love you. Yeah. That is good lore. I think I've maybe hinted at my fandom roots on this podcast.

They run deep. Yes. They're perhaps the thing that run the deepest about me is my fan fiction love, fandom love. Well, a little birdie told me you have some gossip for me. The room is a true. Our gossip, I would say, is a sort of fan fiction-esque scenario of the type that you tend to appreciate. Danielle and I have a friend.

Friend of our friend, if you will. She's beautiful. She's professionally successful. She's absolutely a catch. You would love her, you know. I'm sure I would. And she has been locked in a year-long, slow-burn, will-they, situation.

Wow. With the owner of a local wine boy in her neighborhood. She likes to go there and read, you know, and he'll come over, ask her what she's reading. It started out slow, just like small smiles, glances, waves. Meaningful glances. Yes, very meaningful glances. Churched with meaning.

He's very complimentary. Okay. They've been hugs. Wow. The bartenders seem to be aware of the situation. And maybe into it the situation. Into the situation, yes. Rooting for the situation.

There are allies everywhere. Perhaps. It's not just us. I have attempted to sort of lovingly encourage the situation. situation. I recently, for this friend's birthday, gave her a gift card to this wine boy. The gift card has been spent. A lot of time has been spent. And yet no one has gone on a date. They are circling. The vibes are undeniable. The friends of this friend of a friend have heard a lot about this over the past months. And some would say the evidence is overwhelming. And we're really

just waiting for the plot to be advanced. So we just thought we might borrow a calcism and ask totally hypothetically, of course. What would you do here? I would say that Wiseman say fools Russian. That's so true. I think we're past rushing. Yep. And whyzman also saying?

Russian was six months ago. The seasons move by so quickly. I would say that your friend should probably make a move soon, but only at her own pace and to not let the people in her life stress her out. And they would never. They would never. And I'm sure that you two, who are famously so patient

and who love to wait for a long, drawn-out plot, would be patiently waiting for your friend to make her move. And I would. And you would? And you would. I will say, you know, a man asking out a woman love feminism. It's so great.

It's scary. I feel bad for the men, unfortunately. I feel bad for men. Some men listen to this show. I've heard your girlfriends make you. Some men appear on this show. Your friend sounds phenomenal. Thank you for breaking my show and turning it in advice column.

You know, maybe pour some more money back into your friend and she'll finally make a move. If any of you people in the comments also have advice through your friend, who owns a bar and is like, how would my customer ask me out? Sound off in the comments. I'm curious. Now that you guys. have told me some gossip. Are you ready for some gossip? I've been training our whole friendship.

Truly, yes. Our story today begins in 2008. Think Barack Obama hope posters. Think I kissed a girl by Katie Perry. Think Twilight. Think Great Recession. I'm always thinking Twilight. What were y'all doing in 08?

I'm assuming not getting involved in the subprime mortgage crisis. No, I was what, 12? Playing guitar hero. Fighting for my life at my conservative school over Barack Obama. Yeah. Well, our friend of a friend Nessa was in the final few weeks of her senior year of high school. So she's taking exams, she's signing yearbooks, she's preparing to move out of the state for college in a few months. And in between all of that, she is searching for a dealer.

Of. Yeah, what kind of dealer? Well, not just any dealer. Thank you for asking. Nessa had no interest in weeks. had no interest in weed or any other kind of drug. She's looking for a different kind of edge. What Nessa wanted, what she needed, and what she is so close to finding is an axe

dealer. What is important to know about Nessa is that she is not like a lumberjane. She doesn't want to chop wood or even commit a crime. Honestly, she thinks axes are just really, really cool, like way cooler than swords, because everyone knows a sword guy, but like what bitch has an axe? And not just like an axe from Home Depot. Like, our girl wants a real weapon that you can. bring into battle.

Okay. Are you into weapons at all? I feel like I'm more of a rapier guy, but I respect the axe. I'm listening. I'm excited for Nessa to go on this journey. I don't think I'm a weapons girl. I'm a producer by trade. I'm not out front.

I'm directing people. I'm letting other people use the weapons. I'm the brains of the operation. Do you all know any sword guys? My boyfriend. He did fence in high school. Yeah. Well, in the final weeks of Nessa's senior year, one of her classmates had finally introduced her to his older cousins, boyfriends, weed guy, who was also super into LARPing and thus knew how to procure an axe.

So Nessa is sitting in the back of a Pontiac-Astack, haggling over how much axe $250 in cold, hard graduation cash can buy her. Like, she wanted a Viking axe, but she settled for a finished one. I don't know what the difference is. I looked it up and I couldn't tell. I'm sure you'll find out after this. I'll be investigating later, yes. So Nessa is sitting in haggling when she asks what she thinks is a totally fair question. Can you bedazzle an axe?

And this is how Nessus kicked out of the Pontiac Aztec. Because there are only two things that Ness's classmates, older cousins, boyfriend's weed guy take seriously. His weed and his weapons. Axes are for serious quests only, no girly bedazzling. So Nessa's dreams of an axe are once again deferred. And we all know what happens to a dream deferred. Why?

Get out of here. Um, I know the answer to this question, but I'm going to ask it anyway. Do y'all have siblings? And would you buy them a weapon? Yes and no. I have siblings. I think I would buy my younger sister a weapon. She's the, like everyone is equally responsible.

One is clumsier than the other. Well, as you two know, I have two brothers and I would not buy either of them any weapon. Though I do feel like if I ask them, they would buy me a weapon. Yes. I think so, yeah. I think it's a sister thing. I was going to say, it's like a sister vibe. Brothers will do most things for their sisters. Yeah.

Yeah. So when Nessa tells her older sister, Ariana, about her most recent failure to procure an ax, Ariana laughs and laughs and laughs for half an hour, which is also a sister thing. Yes. But Ariana also starts to plot. So a week or so passes. The day of Nessa's graduation party comes. When the lights go out, Nessa assumes that someone's going to bring out a cake.

but then the fog starts to roll in. The fog. Not fog. The strobe lights kick on. Nessa's parents, Gwen and Carl, come out wearing leather and full faces of makeup as if they're in like a kiss cover band. And it turns out they're making way for Ariana who comes out fully embodying Gene Simmons all the way down to the axe in her arm, which is not a bass guitar, but an actual axe. Wow.

I love this family one. commitment to the bitch. I feel that I'm learning a lot about our protagonist and her circumstances from this moment. Nessa has been waiting for this moment her entire life. She kneels immediately. All of our high school friends are like, what the fuck is going on?

As Ariana bestows the axe upon Nessa, the axe has a dark wood handle as long as a baseball bat. The steel head is shaped like a crescent moon and it's shining just as bright. The head is only about the size of Nessa's palm, but the edge is extremely sharp, as are the points, and it's engraved with intricate Norse runes. It's not sharp enough to take down a tree, but it would definitely send someone to urgent care if you used it incorrectly. Do you want one?

No. What is she training for? What does she need that for? I kind of want what. I don't not want one. This is exactly the divide that I thought was going to. going to happen. Nessa, like, raises the axe above her head and everyone cheers.

Then her dad, Carl, goes and gets the cake and everyone watches as Nessa cuts the cake with the axe. Of course. After the party, Nessa asks Ariana if she can bedazzle the axe. And Ariana's like, obviously. She bust out a whole kit she's assembled with leather cords, embroidery floss, beads, sequins, hot glue, glitter, magepodge. The sisters spent Nessa's last summer at home just, like, bedazzling this shit.

out of this axe. By the time Nessa sets off for college in the fall, her axe is ready. It's got a tassel, there's charms, there's beads. So Ness is going to liberal arts college in the Pacific Northwest, which got to say does fit the axe vibes. For sure. Yeah. Nessa's parents, Gwen and Carl, help her mount the axe on her dorm room wall. They're all a little worried that Nessa's R.A. wouldn't allow this. But the R.A. actually doesn't give a shit. Maybe because of all the bedazzling that makes the R.A. think that it's just like a prop toy, or maybe it's that rules are just different at a liberal arts college in the Pacific Northwest. Probably it's that the RA wasn't being paid enough, which I can say as a former RA myself. Whatever it is, Nessa starts

her new life in college with a sick-ass axe. It does not take long for Nessa and her acts to become legends on campus. She's greeted like a hero when she and the acts show up. When people want a shotgun of beer, they come to Nessa to get their cans punctured. Big wins on game days are celebrated with champagne, mostly so it can be uncorked by the axe, obviously. Nessa and her acts make it through her first few years of college. It's bringing her all kinds of luck. She's excelling her engineering courses, and she also gets lucky in love.

How would you describe like college level attempts at flirting? Terrible. Yeah, I mean... What is flirting, really? Oh, we're going to go Miriam Webster dictionary right now. What if you just like hung out and yearned for a year and a half? And then you were in the club. This is surprising to me because you're a prodigious flirt, so I'm a little like, oh, I love

flirt. Yes, you do. Because I'm like, why did you own your skills? It's not in college. It was an evolving situation. I figured it out eventually. Yeah, clearly. You've got to start somewhere.

It's true. It's true. It's true. Well, at a Halloween party in the fall of her sophomore year, Nessa dresses up in a costume she has used several times by now. Pauline Bunyan, complete with her trustee acts by her side. I have recently been informed that the children. don't know who Paul Bunyan is.

Open the schools. I'll say, I kind of barely know who Paul Bunyan is. He's some sort of lumberjack. And then... That's basically it. And then what else? Is there anything else? Or like...

Well, he's a large man. Yeah. One of the largest men to ever do it. And he's got an axe and he has a buddy that is a giant blue ox named Babe. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, now that you know, keep that in mind,

Nessa's in her full Pauline Bunyan regalia with her little axe when she is approached by a boy in a cow onesie who is clearly already several beers in, which is probably how he gets the courage to ask Nessa, babe, you looking for a blue ox? That's pretty good. Well, I'll go to him. I'm into it, yeah. Nessa looks this cow up and down before reminding him that he is not in fact blue. Without a word, the boy in the cow onesie turns and disappears into the party, only to come back a couple minutes later with a bull, Sour Patch kids. And he asked Nessa, how many of the blue ones would I have to eat to change color? He's cute. He's got the Riz. Is that what you could say? He's got Riz aura. Perhaps.

It was such a dumb pickup line, but also so cute. So dumb and so cute. And at this point, Nessa has had more than her fair share of like acts related pickup lines. So she makes the boy in the cow onesie who Nessa learns his name Parker. She makes him eat like a near toxic level of Sour Patch kiss at the point that his tongue is nearly raw, and this was how the beginning of their relationship started. Wow, that's dedication. That's beautiful. From the beginning, though, Nessa and Parker's relationship is disconcertingly ax-centric. In what way? Please elaborate. There was always a reason the acts needed to be part of the couple activities. Bro, what? I don't like this. They used it to like chop kinling on camping trips. They bring it to the Renfair. They would lay it

across their table in the library while they studied for morale? Like, there's just a lot of acts play. I don't think that's what axe play means. Okay, look, I'll give it to him. Chopping Wood, likely place for an axe to be. Renfair, likely place for an axe to be. The library is the only one where I'm like, what? Yes, I'm trying to decide how much this is causation

versus correlation. I feel like it's a self-selecting kind of person who both has an axe and dates someone whose whole personality is their axe. both likely to be at Renfrey. But I'm monitoring the situation. Well, then there's the incident that comes to be known as the accident. Of course. Shut up.

Nessa and Parker decides if they're a watch party for the series finale of Lost. They make a big bowl of punch. But at the last second, Parker decides that they should all be drinking out of coconuts because they're all stranded on an island. The coconuts should obviously be opened with the axe. So Parker's got a coconut in one hand. and the axe in the other hand. And I don't know if you've ever tried to open a coconut,

just like with a regular tool and not a weapons grade item, takes some skill. Right. Skills that Parker doesn't have. So Parker manages to chop off a finger. Just the tip, though. Specifically the tip of his middle finger.

Oh, God. And can this be surgically remedied? Yeah, where are we in? Is it on ice? Nessa drives Parker's emergency room, They missed a loss finale. From what I've heard, they didn't miss much. And the doctors are able to reattach the fingertip.

No problem. And Parker doesn't hold any grudges about the accident. In fact, he loves to show off his battle scars. I mean, it wasn't. He did his fault. Yes. Would you be impressed at all by the story if someone told you, I got my finger chopped off?

Not at all. You're bad at opening coconuts? Okay. Skill issue. I'm sorry. Skill issue. Well, by junior year, Nessa and Parker had moved together. The Axe has a special ceremonial place of honor in their living room hanging above the TV,

and the axe continues to bring Nessa good luck. The summer before her senior year, she gets a high-profile internship at a food sciences company in Chicago. It is unpaid. It's like 2012. But luckily, Nessa has an aunt in Chicago that she can stay with. There is just one little problem. Nessa's aunt has three kids under five, and by this point, everyone in her family knows about Nessa's most prized possession. So in no uncertain terms, Nessa's aunt lets her know there is no room for the axe in her home. Devastating. But yeah, no. Get the axe out of here. This will be the longest stretch Nessa has ever spent without her axe. But Parker has graciously offered to axe it. He and the axe are always particularly close during backyard barbecue season. No

bottle of Mike's hard lemonade is safe in their sights. So your Nessa, would you let Parker watch your axe over the summer? I think so. I think, look, maybe the coconut was a fluke. You teach him axe safety before you hand it off to him. But he seems to love the axe just as much as he does. So it can't be in the home with children. So yes.

How long have they been together at this point? That's a great point. About a year and a half. Okay. I'd love it. Incredible. You and Nessa are on the same page. And Parker and Nessa talk on the phone all the time that summer.

Parker makes sure to email Nessa photos. of the axe to let her know that it's safe. She's FaceTiming the axe. Well, Nessa can't help noticing as the summer progresses. The pictures are increasingly of Parker and the Axe out having adventures, like Parker and the Axe playing beer pong. Parker and the Axe being turned away from an outdoor luminaires concert. Parker and the Axe by the side of the river with a cooler preparing for a tubing trip.

The axe is a floaty around its handle. This is very specific and elaborate to compose. I was initially concerned that he was dating her for axe clout. You know. As one does. Ass clout. That well-known phenomenon. And now I'm beginning to worry that he's going to leave her for the axe.

Well, by the time Nessa returns in the fall for senior years, she is positive that the vibe between her, Parker, and the axe, are a little Like, it doesn't take long for Nessa to notice that the axe no longer, like, hangs above the TV, but instead leans on a bookcase on Parker's side of the bedroom. And Parker used to ask her for permission to take the axe out on excursions. But now Nessa will just wake up to an apartment empty of both her boyfriend and her axe. But the real kicker comes at Halloween. Nessa keeps her streak alive with Pauline Bunyan,

and Parker comes dresses Gimli from Lord of the Rings. usually they're able to like pass the axe back and forth throughout a party with no problem but this night it's like they've both completely forgotten how to share until two hours and four drinks in they're fully fighting about the axe thankfully not with the axe that's good he doesn't need to see that innocent innocent I don't know maybe the axe is calling to him like the one right well Parker says Necessant doesn't treat the axe the way it deserves. Nessa says Parker cares more about the axe than her. It is like a screaming, drunken meltdown, but their friends separate them. One of them takes the

axe outside. While the rest of the friends, like, talk them down, Parker ends up going home to their apartment while Nessa decides to crash at a buddy's house that night. And in the morning, Nessa and Parker decide to take a break. Do you think taking a break as a couple is just soft launching a breakup. A thousand percent, yes. Yes, very often. Actually, almost always. Let's be real.

You're just too scared to kind of, you know, seal the deal. Cut the cord. Just look, if you don't want to be around the person for extended a period of time, that's kind of, that's the ball game, unfortunately. Yes. I mean, break, break up. It's right there. It's in the name.

It's in the name. So close. And yet so far. Yeah, after a few days, Ness is like, I never want to see Parker ever again. She asked one of her friends to go get some of her things, some clothes, her laptop, her books, and most importantly. the axe. Her friend returns with everything she asked for. Everything except the axe. Apparently Parker feels like he's earned sole custody of the axe. We cannot have an axe

custody bathroom. I will lawyer up right now. He says that Nessa abandoned it over the summer, and he had refused to give the axe to Nessa's friend. Needless to say, obviously, Nessa is pissed. She makes plans moving with a friend, two of Parker's buddies move into his place, and the lease is updated by the end of the week, which leaves this one issue to settle. Except the problem is neither Nessa or Parker want to see each other. So this kicks off several weeks of what are basically custody hearings of the acts. Each side has representatives, each side since emissaries, Nessa provides pictures of herself and the acts dating all the way back to her high school graduation. Her argument is it's literally mine.

Irrefutable. Well, Parker's rejoinder is that in Blade lore, A weapon isn't yours until the metal has tasted your blood. He says that the accident was a turning point that made the axe rightfully his. Are you buying this? No! This is insulting. Also, what lore?

What is he citing? Show me the text. Blade lore. From what culture? What century? Blade lore. Nessa's like, are you kidding me? The accident shows that the axe rejected you.

Yes. The axe has never harmed me because it's mine. But the negotiations reach a stalemate. And at this point, our girl does make a somewhat rash decision. One night when Nessa knows Parker's throwing a party, she sends in one of her friends, one that Parker's never met before. And she instructs her friends to wait until everyone's too drunk and falling asleep to steal the axe. But the axe isn't hanging above the TV in the living room anymore.

nor is it leaning against the bookcase in the bedroom. No, Parker is fully passed out drunk, sleeping with the axe, with like a pool noodle taped around the blade for like to keep not hurt himself in the middle of the night. I was wondering this. Yeah, no, yeah, no, we're safe here. Another argument that he is not equipped to own this. Ness's friend tries to like sneak the axe out of the bed anyway, but Parker wakes up and makes him leave. And this only further fuels Parker's self-righteousness.

He's like, if you truly believe, leave the axe is rightfully yours. Why are you sending people to steal it in the middle of the night? Because you stole it from me. You aren't approaching this fairly. Is it because you know you're wrong? And then he announces that he's changing his locks and then he just stops responding. So, our girl, Nessa's off the lease. She has no legal way to enter Parker's apartment. And she has been following Occupy Wall Street. So she has no desire to involve the police. What options do you think Nessa has? Take it to the school? Like, I'm getting this act back one way. You think the school is going to be like, yeah.

He stole my property. Do they have any mutual friends? Is there anyone that she has retained in the breakup who could still be an emissary or an ally in some sort of scheme? They've seemingly run out of all of their intermediaries at this point. I guess the axe is his now. Wow. You're giving up? What else are we supposed to do?

Break it when he's not there. He's in class. I just feel she must have enough information about this boy after. years of dating. She must know his routines. There must be a vulnerability we can exploit. I'm not above stealing at this point. It's hers and she should get it back. She has to pull a heist. She has to pull a heist. A better heist than the original heist. Drunken pool noodle incident. Yes. You said let's revise. Let's review. Let's go back to the bases. Back to the drawing board. Well, Nessa spends months trying to find a way to rescue the axe. She keeps asking various friends to negotiate on her behalf, as you

guy suggested. She bribes friends to sneak into Parker's house, but they either fail at stealing it back or they get too drunk at the party, so they give Nessa back her money in the morning. Lock in. No, literally. Spring rolls around, and Nessa's family makes plans for yet another graduation. Nessa's been keeping her parents and her sister updated about the acts. So when they land in town for graduation, they're like making all the typical graduation plans. They're like, let's walk through the campus one last time. We're going to throw a big park. party. We're going to pack you up because you're coming back home because it's 2012 and you don't have a job yet. Obviously, everyone's very happy and proud of Nessa, but there's one detail they're all still stuck on, the axe. They're driving the U-Haul store to buy more boxes when Nessa finally just has the quiet part out loud. She's like, I wish I could just steal the axe back myself. And this is all the motivation that Nessa's sister, Ariana, and Nessa's dad, Carl, need to start plotting. They're like conflict mediation got nowhere. It is time. for direct action.

Absolutely. I love this, yes. So now you have allies, blood ties. What's your plan? Well, we know from the kiss situation, they're good at costumes. We pretend to be the movers. To move him out of his place.

I like this. Yeah. Wow. Rachel's not impressed by this plan. I just think we now have, we have resources, we have bodies that we can deploy. Mines. Mines.

crucially, we can be leveraging all of these things in whatever heist is arranged, but I think it was not enough to have one person in there. We could have a distraction. They seem good at distraction. She knows the terrain. She can get in there, get out, extraction mission. I feel like we're close. Dad's on explosives.

The fog machine from our last graduation. Use the fog machine for an escape. Exactly. Wow. Y'all are ready. Y'all are locked in. Greatest minds of our generation. Well, Ariane is like, Nessa needs plausible deniability just in case the cops show up.

So someone else has to steal the axe. And Carl's like, you're right. You're right. And then he's like, okay, what if I pretended to be a cable repair man? There we go. Colchum's infiltration. Nessa's like, isn't that illegal to pose as a cable repair man? Is it?

Yes. Is it fraud? It's fraud. Don't look into my history. Details. But Carl is ready to do whatever he needs to do for his baby girl. Ness is like, okay, what if we hired someone? Like a big, huge man.

We dress him up like a Viking. We sent him to Parker's door to demand the Axe be returned, unless Park was to be responsible for the Viking apocalypse, also known as Ragnarok. He does know Blade Lord. He knows balls. He made. be receptive. And this is the point where Nessa's mom, Gwen, intervened.

She's like, I don't want anyone get arrested this weekend. But all this does is send the plans for potential heist underground. Nessa, Ariana, and their dad move the conversation to a group chat. They're on signal. But when graduation day arrives, they are no closer to a concrete plan. The ceremony is on a Saturday morning. It's a lovely day. As Nessa crosses the stage, she gets her a diploma.

She can hear her family. like hootin and hollering. But when it's Parker's turn, her family loudly boozed him. Hell yeah. To the confusion of the crowd around them who were like, what? As they should. The next day the family's preparing for the graduation party, Gwen makes run to the store for like paper plates and whatever,

which leaves Nessa Ariana and their dad with an opportunity. And since they're pretty much out of time, they decide to go with the cable repairman plan, with Ariana acting as lookout. So would you like to make any predictions as to how this is going to go? I mean, not well. Something's going awry. There's enough time left in this taping.

All right, don't get better. You said, I'm looking at the clock and I know there's no way we're wrapping up anytime soon. It could work. It could. I mean, I will say, I feel we don't know a ton about Parker as an individual. It's true. Is he intelligent? Is he discerning?

The coconut. incident says no. I mean, I think he seems pretty stupid. So I'm actually pretty, like, up on this plan. Like, I think, like, you know, I'm sure he's, like, seen pictures if he hasn't met the parents, he's at least seen pictures of the dad. But, like, that's a good question. But, like, he seems dumb enough to not remember, to be honest.

I think it could be okay. Okay. Nice. Wow. When they arrive at Parker's house, they immediately see this is not going to be as straightforward as they had hoped. There's just, like, a steady stream of bros coming in and out of the apartment. carrying garbage bags, laundry hampers, boxes.

After observing the scene for a while, Ariana's like, okay, it does look like Parker isn't home right now. And Carl is determined to do right by Nessa. So he walks up to the apartment. He's wearing like a tucked in golf shirt, his tool belt, and a borrowed clipboard. Carl knocks on the door, announces himself to the cable guy, to no one in particular because these are college boys.

And they are stupid. no one blinks when he lets himself in despite this low-rent costume. He tries his best look official. He asks a bro to let him know where the cable box is, and the only response he gets is like a nod toward the living room. But when Carl goes in there, there's no furniture, no TV, and the hooks where the axe is supposed to be are gone. At this point, the place is mostly empty and only the smell of college boy remains.

They're too late. Do you want to describe that smell for me? No. Ew. Like sweat, beer. Axe. Body spray. Yes.

Not the weapon. Well, Carl texts Ariana and Nessa, he's like, the axe isn't here. And also the hair is being burned out of my nostrils. I'm going to leave now. And they're like, okay, just get out of here. And Carl announces loudly, forgot something in the truck before, like, run walking to the family minivan. Again, no one cares because these are college boys.

They make it home in time for Nessa's graduation party, but no one really feels like celebrating. There are no strobe lights and no fog machines this time because it feels like the saga that acts is coming to a terrible end. Any plans for revenge on Parker would have to cross interstate lines, which would require too much surveillance. We're almost at the end of our story. How are you feeling?

I feel bad for our girl. Give her her axe back. I don't want to accept this. I'm like, was the mother secretly plodging her own better mission? She don't care about the axe. We have to pull something out here. Ariana promises her sister that she will find a way to curse the axe in Parker.

Her dad says, don't worry, honey. There are bigger and better axes out there. Nessa's mom, Gwen, says that opening gifts will make Nessa feel better. Gwen hands Nessa a paper grocery bag and sticking out the top of it is a long wooden handle. Queen. Wow. I knew you called it. Covered in bedazzlement and embroidery and a tassel.

Thank God. Ariana and Carl are shocked and impressed. Nessa is overjoyed. She's like, Mom, how did you pull this off? Carl's like, honey, did you do a heist without me? She was like, I need to. Don't send in people when you just need to do it alone. And Gwen shrugs and says,

walked in and took it. Apparently while everyone else was making elaborate plans, Gwen took the simpler route. Early that morning when she was on a trip to the grocery store, she stopped by Parker's. She rang the doorbell and one of Parker's roommates answered. And all she said was, I'm Ness's mother. I'm here for her things. And the roommate said, let me just text Parker. Parker texted back right away and said, don't give it to her. But Glenn was relying on one of the oldest laws in the universe. One stronger than physical. or organized religion. No one can stop a mom on a mission.

It's true. Wow. So Gwen just said, I'm coming in. She walked in, grabbed the axe, and Parker called his roommate while Gwen was still there. And as she was walking out the door with the axe, Gwen heard the roommate say, it's her mom, dude. We had to give it to her.

And he was right. And he was. And that is the end of our story. Do you think getting the axe back is enough, or would you pursue further review? sue further revenge. The breach is so profound, but I also would just want this boy out of my life at that juncture.

I think we're good. How do you feel? I think I would want further revenge, but like at some, it's, you have to leave it at the past. He was, you know, reheating your nachos for like a year and a half with the axe. Like, that's embarrassing. And, you know, just, yeah, I would want further revenge. I don't know what revenge I would take, but no, no, honestly, I'm trying not to be petty.

I'd want further revenge. And you get my look back. Absolutely not. You said, I'm lying right now. Straight to camera. Well, Nessa does not pursue revenge. But I do have two little updates for you. The first update is that after the axe was returned,

Nessa and her family decide to take a triumphant photo together, which I unfortunately cannot show the audience, but which I can show you guys. And so I'm going to show this to you, and I want you to describe the, the vibes of this photo. Keep in mind, this show is anonymized. Oh my God, it's incredible. This is all I hoped to know. They seem so fun. I'm obsessed with this family.

Ariana has the coolest look, like chin lifted, looking into the middle distance, like, yeah, we got it. Job done. The axe is large. Mission accomplished. That's so good. The action poses. Is the axe giving everything you wanted to? It's all I hope. She's gorgeous.

That's so good. I'm so sorry that we cannot show this to the rest of you guys. The last update is that last year, Nessa got married with the axe by her side. They did cut the cake with the axe at the wedding. And Ariana got to explain the whole drama with Parker to some of the groom's best friends who didn't know about this saga. And as she's telling the story, Ariana is like, whatever happened to that guy? And so she decides to flick Parker up on Instagram. And turns out Parker has a new axe in his life, though his bedazzle job is much shittier than Ness's.

It's probably an ugly axe. The man has no taste. And that's our story. Wow. What a journey. I'm thrilled. I was stressed. The highs, the lows.

The weapons. We went through it all. It's all day. The ax puns. That was my least favorite part. I knew it would be. Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at NormalGossip at Defector.com.

Or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679 Gossip. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or a friend of a friend at support normalgossip.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at Normal Gossip. You can follow me on all. social media at Hey Denei. Subscribe to our YouTube channel at Defector Media to watch today's episode. Normal Gossip is written by me, Rachel Hampton, and J. Tolviera. This podcast was produced by Sierra Spragley Ritz and J. Tolviera.

Our audio engineer is Samantha Gatsit. Emily Cherish is our video editor. Theme music composed by Rishi Kesheirway. The co-creators and Dowager Queens and Normal Gossip are Kelsey McKinney and DeFectors Supervisor Alex Tujong Loughlin. Justin Ellis is Defector's Projects Editor. Jasper Wang is Defector's Business Guy. Tom Lay is our editor-in-chief.

This season was made in memory of Dan McLeod, who ran our merch store, which you can find at NormalGossip.orgasdore. Tara Jacoby designed our show art. Thank you to Brandy Jensen, David Roth, Catherine Shue, Sabrina Embler, Chris Thompson, Dave McKenna, Patrick Redford, and Ray Rodo for your help with this season. Thank you to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber-based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radio.

I'm your host, Rachel Hampton, and remember, you didn't hear this for me.