Normal Gossip - Last Rites and Kia Boys with Nadira Goffe

Episode Date: August 5, 2026

We invited Nadira Goffe back for a story about a beloved car, a beloved coach, and a run-in with the Kia Boys. But first—trigger warning—Rachelle shares some self-gossip that might make you a tad bit queasy.We are now on YouTube. Be sure to follow us on there at @DefectorMedia where you can watch today’s episode.Subscribe to our newsletter for writing from Rachelle, Se'era, Jae, Alex, and Kelsey, plus blog recommendations and secrets!You can support Normal Gossip directly by buying merch or becoming a Friend or a Friend-of-Friend at supportnormalgossip.com.You can also find all kinds of info about us and how to submit gossip on our Komi page: https://normalgossip.komi.io/Episode transcript here.Follow the show on Instagram @normalgossip, and if you have gossip, email us at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at 26-79-GOSSIP.Normal Gossip is hosted by Rachelle Hampton (@heyydnae) and produced by Se'era Spragley Ricks (@seera_sharae) and Jae Towle Vieira (@jaetowlevieira). Our audio engineer is Samantha Gattsek. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Show art by Tara Jacoby. Theme music composed by Hrishikesh Hirway.Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

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The show is available on all major podcast platforms and new episodes come out every Tuesday. For more, find the show on Instagram at Sounds Like a Cult Pod. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Hello and welcome back to season. 10 of normal gossip. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton. And in each episode of this podcast, we are going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. Today's gossip is a normal gossip legend at this point. I am so happy to say that today's guest is Nadera Gha. Nadera is a staff writer of culture at Slate. You may know her from her sharp takes on the latest Netflix hit or is a mainstay on our RSS feeds. You also may remember how we traumatized

Nadira back in season 8 with perpetual stew episode. She's done bonus episodes and subscriber episodes with us and she even flew out to Portland and gossip with us when we went on tour. So it is probably extremely obvious as she was one of my favorite people to gossip within all of the world. Nadera

hello, thank you so much for joining me again. Thanks for having me again. I'm really excited. We are actually in person for the first time in a long time. We can actually like... We can hold space. We can hold space. We can hold space. Wow. And that's beautiful and necessary, even if it is a dated reference.

And you know what? It's never too dated for me. So you have been on normal gossip a few times at this point. You have given me gossip multiple times. So I'm going to ask you one follow-up question to your previous gossip. And then I'm going to do something that I normally don't do, which is give you and the audience a little bit of gossip about me. So first, does your mom, Nicole, know that you know?

Okay. So a few people have asked me this. And I don't think so, which is so funny because I know that she listens to my work and she reads my work, but she's never mentioned it and I've been too scared to ask. I don't know. I feel like if she knew that my 16th birthday party was spoiled, she would have mentioned it by now, which makes me think that she doesn't know. But I'm not poking that bear. Wow. I love that we are uncovering gossip once again on this podcast.

Just for listeners who did not have the absolute honor of listening to that episode with Naderah, she told us a beautiful story where in which you relayed to us that your 16th birthday party, which was a surprise for some. Theoretically. But importantly, not for you. Your mom did not know that when you were 16, nor when you told us the story. And seemingly not now either. Okay.

Well, keep us updated. I do want to know. If she ever brings it up, maybe if she watches this. Yes. If she ever brings it up, I'll let you know. There we go. There we go. Nicole, hi.

I'm a big fan of your work. Well, I'm going to do something I never do, which is reveal something about my personal life. So a little bit of lore about me that people are always fascinated to hear is that I also trigger warning here for throw up, vomit, whatever you want to call it. I didn't throw up until I was 22 years old. How that worked? Yeah, that's always the question people.

have. I don't know. Right. It wasn't that I wasn't ill as a child, because I certainly was. I just never had the pleasure of throwing up until I was in my 20s. The pleasure. The pleasure. And I just didn't drink a lot as a person in college. And so I developed a mild phobia vomit and then got over that when I got food poisoning. And I'm bringing this up because I recently had the extremely pleasant experience of having neurovirus for the first time. And hopefully the last. Girl? I'm so sorry.

It better be the last time. Yeah, it was a lot. Quite frankly, it was less than 48 hours ago at this point. And so I just really... You're still working through it. I need to exercise some demons from my body, clearly. So I thought I simply had food poisoning once again, which for me is usually like a one-and-down situation.

And by one-and-done, I mean, after I vomited for the first time at 22, I vomited one more time after that at the age of like 27. And this was maybe the third time that I vomited in my life. So I was like, ah, I'm used to this. I've done this before. And then I was like, no, wait, something else is wrong. I remember having the thought, something evil is in my body right now. And there was just a moment where I finished.

There's no polite way to say this, shitting my guts out. Right. Only to flush the toilet, turn around, spew, fall to the bathroom floor and think, I'm dying, but I wasn't. But still you rise, but still I rise. And so I just felt like sharing that story with you because I feel like the last time you were here, I traumatized you with the story of vomit-inducing proportions, I would say. And I just, I wanted to even the score between us. Yeah.

To let you know that I too traumatize myself. It's not just you. That's so funny you say that, though, because not to get all bodily liquid with it. Listen, I started this. We're on a roll. We might as well get here. And I gave a trigger warning. And a much more tame version of bodily fluids.

I'm someone who is very prone to nosebleeds. I get nosebleeds all the time. I used to get them as a kid a lot. And I didn't realize until, I don't know, college or meeting other people that not everyone has that experience and that they actually scare people and they think that something's happening to you because they themselves have never had a nosebleeds. And so I had a nosebleed one time because I was studying abroad in England and it was dreary and rainy and cold outside. But in the classroom, it was really warm and dry, which can cause a noseweed if you're prone to them.

And everyone like sitting near my table was like, are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay? And I was like, I'm, yeah, girl, this happens to me when I jump off the high dive, which I haven't done since I was 10. And I don't know why I said that, but, you know, like, it happens. And so, yeah, bodily fluids can scare people. It's happened to me. Now it's happened to you. I'm sorry to welcome you into that club, though. I was texting a friend about this. And I was like, it was harrowing. It was also bracing in the sense of I definitely went through something. Yeah. Well, I'm happy you're feeling better. And I'm happy that we can be here together holding space. So glad that we could be here together holding space. Yeah. So that's my self-gossip, which I usually never provide for you guys. Well, now that I've perhaps traumatized the audience and you again, but that's okay. That's what I'm here for.

Are you ready for some gossip? Yes. This one's a wild ride. So, before we get into today's story, I have to ask you a very important question, which is, how do you feel about driving? Oh, driving gives me massive anxiety. I drove for my junior and senior year of undergrad, and then I went on one cross-grine. country road trip with my best friend in 2018, and I haven't driven since. Nice.

Yeah, I moved to England, did grad school, came back, did the pandemic, moved to New York, did public transportation. So I haven't had to drive since then, and thinking about driving makes me want to drive off a cliff. I feel a similar way. I feel like I've maybe said before on the show, I do not drive. I do not have a license. I went through driver's ed in high school.

I scheduled my little test thrice. My father either forgot or simply had a meeting come up thrice. Literally thrice. And after three times, as a 16-year-old, I was like, you tell me when you're free. And here I am with no license to speak up. But I feel a similar way. Driving gives me anxiety. I feel like we don't really engage enough with how danger it is as a concept.

I took an Uber here and I was like, I appreciate the fact that you are zooming around all these cars and backing up down streets to get me where I'm going. But I'm glad that you're the one behind the wheel and I'm the one back here because I just simply feel like I shouldn't be behind the wheel of a car. It's not good for me or other people. Well, our friend of a friend today is not like us. She is a capital D driver. Okay. And she has wanted to be this way since she was but a young child. Okay.

Our friend of friends day is named Dana. Shout out Dana, capital D driver. And Dana grew up in the middle of nowhere. So basically from the moment she hit puberty, her deepest desire, was to own a car. Every time she had to ask her parents for a ride or walk the four miles home from her job at Sonic, she would daydream about how her life would be different when she got her own car. She'd be able to see all of her friends. She'd be able to go to Sephora whenever she wanted, which is also what I thought adulthood was.

So when the day finally comes for Dana to buy her own. car after years of saving up her sonic paycheck and a little help from her grandparents. It is legitimately one of the best days of Dana's life. It's her first big adult purchase. Like she's 20, but she feels a little bit like three kids in a trench coat when she drives off the lot with her brand new bright blue 2018 Kia Soul. Wow, cute. The ads for the Kia Sol's back in the day used to really, really cater to our demographic, I think. Like, I really wanted one. They had all those ads about having good speakers and stuff. For some reason, I thought the Kia Soul commercial was the one with the hamsters. It is. Yes, it is. And then they had,

and then they, I think they had like a Kia Soul that had like beats in it, like beats speakers in it or something. This is ringing a bell. And I, and it was really cute. And I was watching TV with my mom once. And we saw the ad and she was like, you want that, don't you? And I said, I do. I was a victim to the propaganda. I understand Dana. I do. So I, I, along with not knowing how to drive, also know nothing about cars, which becomes a problem when I order an Uber and I'm like, what's a Toyota can? I don't know any maker model besides a Kia Soul because of the hamster commercial. Okay, I was going to ask, what are your feelings about Dana's choice of car? But it sounds like you support because of the hamster commercial. I do support knowing absolutely nothing about the quality of the car. If they are bad cars, then I don't support. What I do support is asking someone who knows better what type of car you should buy.

because what's a Honda Odyssey? I couldn't tell you. I don't know. I couldn't tell you. What's a hatchback? Do they still make those? Do backs still hatch? I really couldn't tell you.

This 2018, bright blue, Kia Soul, becomes one of Dana's two most important companions in her life. It sees her through relationships and breakups, through college and not just one, but two cross-country moves. This car has stuck with Dana through thick and thin, which is why Dana has named her car Sam Wise. Or Sammy for sure.

It sounds like you get that joke. Can you explain it? Lord of the Rings? Yes. Yeah. Lord of the Rings. Exactly. If you don't know, go, well, finish this and then go watch Lord of Rings. Spend the next 12 hours of your life watching Lord of the Rings. Having second breakfasts or whatever. I think all my mental illness would be cured if I could live with the Hobbits.

In the Shire? Mm-hmm. Exactly. For those who aren't familiar and don't have 12 hours of their life to spend, Sam-wise, Gamji is basically like the definition of a ride-or-die-ass bitch. Like, the ring would not be destroyed without Sam. Frodo is kind of just there. He's just there to look pretty.

Those big-ass, blue eyes. We love you, Elijah Wood. We do. Will you wear wigs? So, Dana's first most important companion is Samwise the car. Her other most important companion is her girlfriend, Bree. Bree is one of those people who could turn like the most miserable line at the DMV into the best part of six people's week just by being herself.

She can do perfect winged eye line around the first try. Wow. I know. Before Bree, Dana's longest relationship was, in fact, with Sammy the car. But at the time that our story takes place, Bree and Dana have been together for two years now and they are very much in love. This is going to sound like a non sequitur. But how do you feel about the city of Atlanta?

Who. Brunch. Black people at brunch looking good with some fake foliage on the wall and a DJ that's playing music way too loud when you're trying to eat chicken and waffles. I feel really good about Atlanta.

However, I would not live there because of the aforementioned driving anxiety and the fact that they have 1,500 lanes. highways. Yes. Yes. I've been exactly once to Atlanta to see Beyonce. And that sounds incredible. And it was. Our friend or friend Dana had not spent a ton of time in Atlanta until Bree, who was an alumnus of Clark Atlanta University. So Bree and Dana spend a couple weekends a year in Atlanta visiting Bree's college friends, most of whom Bree meant on her college track team. This is important for today's story, which takes place in 2024. Dana is 27. So she has been with

with Sammy the car for nearly a decade now, and with Bree, her girlfriend for about two years now. Dana, Bree, and Sammy are all in Atlanta for a funeral. Bree's college track coach had just passed. He was known to everyone simply as coach, and coach was like a second dad to all the girls on the team. He always made sure the girls have whatever they needed to do well in school, meals, tutors, the occasional lecture. He was determined to be their family away from home. So as soon as one of Bree's old teammates dropped Coach's obituary in the group chat, Bree immediately made plans to go to the funeral. And though Dana had only met Coach a handful of times at home climbing over the years, Dana knew she wanted to go with Bree to the

funeral for moral support. Now, this is an important test for Bree and Dana's relationship because this is the first funeral they have been to together. Dana wants to take care of Bree and take as much stress out of the situation as possible. So you have any advice to Dana on how to how to be a good girlfriend in the situation. Just listen to your partner. Whatever your partner needs, not what you think they need in that moment, is always the better way to go about things,

but also understand that everyone grieves differently, which includes not only Bree, but Bree's track friends. You don't know how they're going to be feeling, how they're going to be reacting. You don't know how she's going to be feeling, how she's going to be reacting. There's just a lot of emotions. It's a really heavy time.

So just, you know, go in with an understanding, understanding and open mind and heart. Yeah. That's really good advice. And eat the food at the repast. So the morning of the funeral, which starts at 1 p.m., Dana makes sure to get Bree breakfast. And while Bree is getting ready, Dana decides to get the car started, get the AC pumping. It's a hot day.

It's Atlanta. And Dana doesn't want Bree to have to worry about, like, sweating off her makeup on the driveover. But when Dana goes out to the driveway of the Airbnb, she realizes that her car, her beloved, Sammy is missing. Before I move on, I must ask, have you ever heard the phrase, Kia Boys? This feels like,

like yes, but no. I feel like it's ringing a very, very distant bell. But I'm also like, I don't know that I want that bell to be wrong. And so I'm scared, but I'm going to ask for a refresher. I can give you that. I can give you that.

During the pandemic, there were a huge number of social media challenge. I knew this would come back to you. Yeah. The issue is you spent so much time covering the internet, you're like, what are they doing now? Yeah. During the pandemic, there were a huge number of social media challenges,

most of them dancing, circulating amongst all the board children. In late 2021, the Kia boys began going viral on TikTok because some teenagers discovered a security flaw in some Kia's and Hyundai's that made them really easy to hotwire and steal. Yeah. So, of course, these were really easy to get into hotwire and steal. Yeah. children decided to record themselves doing just that, posting results everywhere, which caused a cascade of other board children to hot wire Kias too. And they became known as the Kia boys.

Girls can caught wire Kia's too. You're right. Wait, hold on. Hold on. They can, but I don't think they would post it on social media for everyone to see. This is a boy activity. But let's, you know. Girls can do crimes too. Equal opportunity. So Dana is dismayed that her car has been stolen, but she's actually not that surprise. In fact, Dana has been preparing for this moment for years. Oh, preparing him. Well, way back in 2021, when the Kia boys first started making ways, Dana stashed an air tag under the mat in Sammy's back seat, just in case the day came when she would need to go Liam Neeson mode and get Sammy back.

Hell yeah. She has a very specific set of skills. So the moment Dana sees her car is gone, she is hit by a rush of adrenaline. Dana's like, I know what I have to do. I've dreamed about this moment so many times. My mind and body have been preparing for this exact scenario. All of a sudden, she just like has a Glock and she just cocked you back. Like, I'm ready.

Suddenly she has a gun. Without a second thought, Dana opens her phone, go to the Find My app. And sure enough, the air attack is on the other side of town. So you're Dana. You've got a funeral to go to. Your car has been stolen, but you know where it is. What do you do? Oh, this is tough.

What I would do, I would have someone I could call to say, someone stole my car. I got to go to a funeral. I know where it is. Can you go check this out for me? But if you don't, if it's just you, I just feel as though Sammy, we love him. But he was a decade old as a car.

This is your girlfriend. she's going through something a little bit, very traumatic, not a little bit. She's grieving. This was like a mentor to her, another parental figure. You got to go to the funeral. Does that mean that your car might be taken apart and shipped off somewhere by then? Yes. But also, if you know where it is, you can file the police report later.

Like, there are adult things you can do. But human life is really important, and it's important to honor it, and it's important to be with your loved ones, and support them. And so I would say that you should just go to the funeral. But I would be lying if I didn't say that a part of me is kind of like, no, like, anthropologically, I'm trying to see something. Like, where's my car?

I'm trying to see where my car is. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Well, right at this moment, Bree steps out of the Airbnb. Dana's like, okay, babe, I've got good news and I've got bad news. Bad news is Sammy's been stolen.

Good news is I know where he's at. We can go get her. We. And Dana shows Bree the little dot on her phone moving around on the other side of Atlanta. Bree's like, hold on, let's pump the break. She's like, I know how much you love your car,

but maybe we should call the police before we just go in guns blazing without a gun. Dana's like, you know what, fair? Got a little caught up in the moment. Got a little loss on the songs. Got a little Liam Neeson with it. And we do have somewhere important to be in less than an hour. So, Bree calls the police on speakerphone, who are not that helpful.

Their only suggestion is to come down to the police station to report the car missing. Dana's like, well, that would be hard to do, since we don't have a car to get to the police station. And we have a funeral to attend. And the operator's like, my condolences. But we can't do anything else until you report the car missing. Once the report's been filed, we'll see. if we can find it. Dana's like, well, actually, I don't need your help finding it.

I know exactly where it is. We just need someone to go check out the location on the air tag and get my car back. The operator's like, we can't send anybody out until you file a police report. Do you need the address for the police station? So you have a few options. You can get a ride to the police station and report your car missing. You can get a ride to the location on your air tag in an Uber. You can go to the funeral and figure this out later.

later, since you don't want to be the drama when you're supposed to be moral support for your girlfriend. So what do you do? I would go to the funeral and then go to the police station after the funeral. And now I know I said you should eat the food at the repast. But you can skip the repass and go to the police station and report your car missing. I don't think going now would get the police to act any quicker. In most normal circumstances, it does not get them to react any quicker. What I might done is I might have been like, I might have lied and been like, no, I need you to do a wellness check. Oh, someone's in danger. Yeah. There's a child in the backseat of the car. Exactly. Because then they would, they would be a little, they would have a little more gumption. A little

pop in their step. But I can't also say that I recommend that like legally. So, you know, but I think at this point, I would go to the funeral, go to the police station, after the funeral, skip the repast, be like, hey, babe, I know this is your time. Could you make me a plate? And then figure it out from there. Dana's also, like, kind of in the same mindset. Like, every cell in her body is screaming for her to go get her baby. But her other baby is standing right in front of her, dressed for a funeral.

And, like, ultimately, cars are replaceable, and people only die once. So, Dana decides she's got to do right by her girlfriend. On this day, she will not be the drama. so she's like, it's fine. We will go report the car missing after the funeral. But they still need a ride to the funeral. So first they try to call on Uber, but they can't find a ride for less than $75.

Atlanta, what's going on? That's upsetting to my spirit. That would piss me off. Like I'm already sad. I'm going to a funeral. They stole my car. Sorry, I'm getting really angry. Because I'm laughing because I'm laughing,

because I'm actually so heated about that. If I opened my phone and saw that, I would have broken something. Yeah. Yeah. So, Greed calls one of her former teammates who lives in Atlanta. Yeah. Tiffany.

Tiffany was a shot putter back in the day. And Tiffany was the person on the team who was known to always be down to clown. She was also the one who was known for showing up late. She was down to clown so she would come, but she going to come late? That's the, those are the options? Well, Bree's like, if there's any. anyone on the team who has not left to go to the funeral yet. Oh, I see.

Then it would be here. Okay, okay, I see. That's smart. That's smart. And she's right. Tiffany's in the middle of her makeup when Brie calls. In the middle? Like, what step?

Like, are we, like, have we finished contouring? Has blush been applied? Yeah, like, do we just have lip liner left? Like, have the brows been filled and gelled? Like, what is the... Okay. Tiffany's like, I'll come pick you up. Don't worry. Just send me the address.

Bree's like, thank you so much, girl. I appreciate you. And then she's like, Tiff, please be on time. You know I plan to say a few words at the funeral. Tiffany's like, don't worry, I'll see you in 20. Do you think they will see Tiffany in 20? Hell no. Tiffany is around the corner in the black way, which is in the middle of her makeup. Hasn't contoured yet.

Girl, if you're speaking at the funeral, you pay. the 70-something dollars and just hope that that good karma comes back to you some way somehow. Like, you cannot be playing with the procession of events if you are the event. Like that's fair. That's fair. But not everybody got it. I understand. But I'm just saying there are certain situations where your back is really against the wall.

And unfortunately, you have to rely on your contingency plans. And that was one of them. However, they rocking with Tiffany. Tiffany going to show up 45 minutes late. 45 minutes later. And that's black math. 45 minutes later. Yeah.

Tiffany pulls up to Bree and Dana's Airbnb. This is just enough time for Dana's inner Nancy Drew to start screaming to be let out. Like she has constantly been checking the air tag location. So it's while Tiffany is driving that Dana realizes they're going to pass right by where her car is on the way to the funeral, super casually. like so casually. Dana's like, looks like my car is right on the way. What if we just drove past?

Wing by and grab it. At this point, it is about 12.45 p.m. The funeral is supposed to start at one. Although one thing I maybe have not made clear yet, which you maybe may have guessed from the fact that coach was a coach at Clark Atlanta University is that this is a black funeral, being held at a lovely little Pentecostal church.

Do you have any experience with black funerals? Yes and no, not of the Southern Pentecostal variety. I'm from Philly. My family was raised Muslim. So I think that experience is a little bit different. And then my Jamaican side of the family doesn't have funerals. They have celebrations of life. You know what I mean?

So I'm going to actually be real and say, I don't think so. Lots of experience of black weddings. But I don't think I've experienced this particular type of black funeral. I've certainly experienced black funerals, but this particular type may be only once or twice, yeah. Okay. Well, in your experience, through, I guess, other people's recalling or just general lore, how would you describe our people's relationship to timeliness when it comes to events such as this? Well, it has its own abbreviation, which I think is all you need to know. And that's not even funeral relevant.

It don't matter if somebody's... My aunt was late to her own. wedding. But I say all this to say, time for us is a construct because we've spent so many generations struggling, you know, that why should time matter? Like, why should anyone else's schedule matter when we are finally free? You know what I mean? Amen. Let the church say amen. Amen. Won't he do it? Right. So the funeral is supposed to start at one. But when Bree texts her teammate to see what the vibe is, they're like, girl, we're not starting for another 45 minutes. Yeah.

One of Bree's teammate texts a photo, the funeral program, to the chat so Bree can see that before reflections and remarks from family and friends, there is an Old Testament reading, a New Testament reading, a prayer of comfort, a musical selection. I love black people. And then resolutions and acknowledgments, followed finally by reflections and remarks. Right. And Bree is listed as the fourth person out of five to give remarks. Oh, so she's at the very end. Oh, okay. They could have gone and got in the car.

So when Dana is like, what if we just took a little detour? Oh, God. Okay, but they still have no weapons. They still don't know what they're walking into. Once again, they need to approach this anthropologically from an observing perspective first. Then they can decide to be actionable about it. But knowing all of that, I too would be like, we can drive by. I'm not going to promise you I'll stop.

I'm going to slow down. Lay some eyes on the situation. Bree size. She knows how important Sammy is to Dana. And they've got an hour minimum before she's due to start talking. So Bree is like, if Tiff is cool with it, it's fine. We can do a drive-by. We have to be in and out.

And to Dana's delight, Tiffany is immediately like, hell yeah, let's go get your motherfucking car. Of course she is. So they pull up to the block where Dana's car is supposed to be. Dana can, like, feel her heart pounding out of her chest. She is imagined this hundreds of times, but now that she's here, she's realizing she never actually got to the part of the dream where she made a plan for this part. So what would your plan be? Okay, well, my plan would first be to Google if you can still normally drive a car that's been hotwired?

Truly, they be cutting wires and shit. I don't know how that works. I would like to assume that I could just click, click, open, foot on the gas and drive away. But what if that's not the case? I wouldn't know. So I would Google that first. I would. And maybe because it's slightly embarrassing, I would Google an incognito mode.

And then I would make sure I had the keys. And I would make sure I have pepper spray, at least. But I do think my truly, my plan would be we are going to slow this car down to a crawl and truly scope out the situation, maybe not even get out the car, unless it's like, okay, Sammy's right there. I could just click, click, and then get in, right? But if there's people loitering around,

if it's an area where, you know, like if it seems like we can't just hop on in the car and drive away, I probably would not stop, knowing that I don't have any weapons or any people with me that I know always have weapons, because you always need to have at least one of them.

I think that's a great plan. Thank you. You covered all the bases. Thank you. That's also how I would approach this. Yeah. So Tiffany's circling the block where the air tag last pinged from. And at first, they don't see anything.

The three girls circle the block a few times just to make sure. And Dana's at the point where she's starting to feel a little guilty about this detour. She's like, y'all got a funeral to go to. She's about to be like, oh, well, we tried. When all of a sudden, they see it. I'm not sure if you watched any of the Kia Boys videos. They're all literally insane. Yeah.

Most of these kids are too young to have a driver's license, so boosting the car isn't actually about the car. It's about the joy ride and also the views. So as you can imagine, these kids are whipping the wheel back and forth, bobbing and weaving across the street as they shoot past our girls. This is Mad Max Fury Road. The car is overflowing with people. They are at least six kids in there, possibly more. The license plates have been ripped off, and there is something wrong with the driver's side door. But the car is unmistakably, Dana.

She's like, I would know Sammy anywhere. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So what do you do? What do I do? What do you do? I take some photos and some videos. Man, I send that to the police.

I don't have a weapon. And, okay, this is Mad Max. I don't have the silver chrome spray shit either. I'm not having and puffin and puffin. Like, I don't have anything to bolster. for me against against the Y ends? Like, I don't have, I don't have that. Like, you know, like I don't, you can't just, you cannot just enter that situation. Yeah, I would need both. I would need a gun and the chrome shit from Mad Max. Like, yeah. But once again, because we

arrived there anthropologically for research, we take photos, we write down anything like house addresses, anything nearby, how many people? What did they look like? We take as much evidence as we possibly can. And then we go to the funeral, still arrive 20 minutes before everybody else. And then after the funeral, while everyone's eating at the repast, then we go and give that evidence to the police who will surely do nothing. But at least after everything said and done, you could probably get some money for it. You know, and I know it's sad, but like, it's a car. Sammy's already damaged as well. you don't even know if you can like, yeah, no, it's just too much. Dana's like, oh my God, that's her, that's Sammy.

Tiffany's like, say less. She immediately bust the U-turn and starts following Sammy. But in a little bit of a distance. I kind of forgot Tiffany crazy. I love her, though. Okay, sorry, continue. They're at a little bit of a distance, just in case one of the Kia boys spots them.

As they're following them, Breed calls a police station again, and is like, hello, I just called about a stolen vehicle. We're now following the car. They don't have a report, baby. They can't do anything about that. Bree starts naming the cross streets to give the police a sense of where they are. And the operator goes, didn't you just call?

And Bree is like, yes. And the operator is like, ma'am, I told you to come into the station and file a police report, not be Inspector Gadget. She's not even Inspector Gadget. She don't even got a little handy to do. She doesn't have anything. Here is, once again, where you lie. You said, well, it's not even a lie. You say kids are driving recklessly.

I think they're going to hurt somebody. They could run into someone or something. I need you to come. You got to start lying, y'all. You got to start lying. Like, if you really want people to do what you want them to do expeditiously, you need to make it their problem and not just your problem. Bree's like, we can literally see someone driving our car.

Can you come help us? And the operator is like, no, that's not something we can do. We can help you file a police report, though. Once again, I would be so pissed off. This is like the worst day known to man. No, literally. At this point, it is abundantly clear that Bree is pissed. And for a moment, Dana is afraid that Bree is upset with her for getting them going on all of this.

Dana is getting ready to be like, let's just go to the funeral. I'm sorry for sending us on this wild goose chase. When Bree is like, this is fucking bullshit. This is what my taxes go to? Tiffany's like, you don't pay taxes here, bitch. So Bree's like, this is where Tiffany's taxes go to. No, no, no, no, no. We're not about to engage in a car chase.

There's a man in the casket right now. So it's now a little after 1.30 p.m. What's your next move? Go to the funeral. I know that you're speaking last, but like you're there to honor someone who is very important to you. all of these things, yes, funerals are long. Yes, they have a lot of moving parts. But all of these things are in honor of his life.

And we are not fucking MI6. We're not spies. We're not agents. Do you even know how to do a car chase? You know what I'm saying? Like on the 1,500 lane highways in Atlanta, I don't think so. Like, I think we go to the funeral respectfully. I think we go to the police station after the funeral.

I think we give whoever was talking to us on the phone. like that a stank-ass look and attitude as we file our police report and we slap it down on the counter like here, fine. Oh, honey's, I think that's the most we do. I will say that is exactly how I would expect an operator from Atlanta to speak

to me in my time of need. That's how I expect any operator to speak to me in my time of need. And this is what we call like emotional regulation. You're right. Because if I'm prepared for it, then I can't get too mad at you. I can only get mad at myself for being mad. when I knew it was going to happen.

Wow, powerful. Tiffany continues to tale the boys in Dana's Kia. As Bree texts the group chat like, how much time do we have before reflections? One of the roommates texts back like, they just started the Old Testament reading, which, if you recall,

was the very first thing, is followed by a New Testament reading, a prayer of comfort, a musical selection, resolutions and acknowledgments, and then finally reflections and remarks. So, Bree is trying to to calculate how much time she has left.

She's doing girl math in her head. When they see the Kia boys pull into an alley. Famously only good things have ever happened in alleys. Tiffany slows down as they're passing the alley. Just enough to see that the Kia is stopped way down at the end and that the alley comes to a dead end. So on the far side of this alley that ends in a dead end is a dumpster and a chain link fence.

And it's important to know that it is the middle of the afternoon in Atlanta, and this alley is somehow dark. Tiffany parks where they can see the entrance to the alley, and Bree is like, okay, maybe now that we can see the car, and that it's stopped, we should try calling the police again, just to be safe. Just to be safe, they're not coming. Do you think this time will be different?

No! Bring yourselves! This is so... No, you can't keep doing the same things and expecting different results, baby. That's just not how that works. It's a definition of insanity. It is. It's someone's definition of insanity, at least.

I personally feel as though what you've described is a very good movie scenario where I can see them getting out the car hopping up the dumpster onto the dumpster and then escaping over the fence. And then at that point, it's like you're chasing kids over fences and shit. And I just, that's never worked out well in the movies. And I don't see why it would work out well in real life. Well, this time when the girls call and explain the situation, the operator is like, wait, you can actually see the missing vehicle. And the girls are like, yes. And the operator's like, okay, stay right there.

Don't leave. We'll send an officer out. Wow, it is different this time. And she was wrong. Well. Oh, God. Dana and Bree and Tiffany wait. and they wait and they wait.

They're just taking turns, watching the interests of the alley, and looking around for the police, but no one is showing up. Not the police, not the Kia boys. No one. Bree texts the group chat like, okay, where on the program are we at now?

One of her teammates is like, they're just finishing up the altar call. Bree's like, altar call. Do we miss the whole funeral? And then another teammate texts back like, girl, no, the Reverend was supposed to be doing the prayer of comfort, and then it turned into a mini sermon and then an altar call.

We still haven't played any Kirk Franklin yet. Now with this digression, there are two things ahead of where Brea is scheduled to give remarks, the musical selection, resolutions, and acknowledgments, and then reflections and remarks from family and friends. And remember, Bree is the second to last person out of five to give remarks. Keeping in mind, the remarks are technically limited to two minutes. Two minutes. Black people in two minutes of remarks. Yeah, no. Keeping that in mind.

How much time do you think our girls have? They still have at least like another, his eye ain't even on the sparrow yet. They still have at least like another 45 minutes at least because she's fourth out of five in remarks. Those first three remarks alone are going to at least be 15 minutes at least. Bree ends up calling the police again to get an ETA for the police officer that is supposedly coming and the operator refuses to provide one. Bree's like, we need to get to the funeral and we've told you where the car is. you have enough information to retrieve the car, like, can we go? And their operator says, if you leave, we'll have to tow the vehicle.

And then Dana will have to do some paperwork to prove that it's her vehicle, which could take either a few hours or a couple days, especially since neither Dana or Brea are residents of Atlanta. And at this point, Dana is over. She's like, fuck this shit. I have my keys. No one seems to be in the car. Dana's like, I'm just going to steal my car back.

And then we're going to the funeral. we've already wasted enough time. Bree is like, hey, what if it's not safe? Sammo's full of teenagers, full of 12 teenage boys. And Dana's like, I don't care. I would fight a dozen teenagers with my bare hands for San Diego.

Oh no, honey. There are places you fight a dozen teenagers. Atlanta ain't one of them. So Bree and Dana, they get out of Tiffany's car. They start walking toward the alley. Tiffany is following behind them in her car. And as Bree and Dana enter the alley, Tiffany starts playing

Nuck if you buck so loud Yeah we knuck in and ducking I'm ready to fight Tiffany's speakers are buzzing As Brie and Dana approached the car There's no sign of anybody else in the alley Dana's like, okay I'm going in

So while Bree stands guard Dana approaches Sammy Who looks empty Though Dana can see that the handle on Sammy's driver's side door has been completely ripped off So she enters the car through the passenger side

which is unlocked. Her precious car is full of trash and hot Cheeto dust. Not the dust. You ain't even leave me any Cheetos. It's just bags and dust. And Sammy absolutely reeks of pot smoke. Of course.

Oh, poor Sammy. Poor Sammy. And all around the steering wheel, all Dana can see is exposed wires. And worst of all, as you correctly noted, the ignition part is just dangling. See, and this is

why you Google search these things and even if you're embarrassed about it, you Google search someone incognito mode because I've seen movies, they cut shit. Why would I just assume that I could drive a car that wires have been pulled out? God, no. I hate being right when I go in the show. Like Dana has no idea how exactly she's going to turn her car on to drive away. So we're almost in the end of our story. You've been right so far. How are you feeling? I'm scared and all of this for a car that you knew was going to have issues and damage anyway. But most of all, I think I am pissed at the operator at the police station. And at a certain point, I would have pulled up every song that had ETA in it, Justin Bieber's ETA by New Genes.

And I would have blasted them through the phone. like, where are you coming? Because you promised, after your stank attitude you promised. And you tried to clown me for that shit, but you were wrong. Because there was something you could do about it. And then he promised you could come and do something. And then he wouldn't do it. And that, ooh, once again, this is the worst day ever.

Honestly, Dana's kind of in the same space as you are now. She's panicking. She's overwhelmed. I wouldn't say that I'm panicking. Dana's panicking, to be clear. Tiffany shouts down the alley from her car. She's like, are y'all good? Dana is like, the ignition is hanging out.

I got to figure out how to start it. Bree's texting the group chat like, okay, have we missed the whole thing? And one of the teammate responds, girl, you're good. The spirit hit the organist during the musical selection. The saints started shouting. Another teammate texts back, yeah, I stepped out real quick. I'm at the drive-thru-a-windies. They're playing too much.

Another teammate says, y'all got time. Don't worry. Okay. So Dana starts goof. How does this mean glission on a 2018 Pia Soul? I can't tell you whether or not she used incognito mode. I'm sorry. I'm getting flashbacks to the last time we were recording this show.

And I said something to the effect of when I said that, I meant do it multiple hours ago into the story, top of the story even. Why are you Googling shit right now? Yeah, unfortunately, Dane is also not getting a whole lot of help from the search results. So she then decides to Google How to steal a 2018 Kia Soul. That's already been stolen.

How to re-hot-wire a hot-wired car. Well, these are the magic words. Right. This is how Dana finds the video she needs, which is basically a tutorial for how to steal her own car. We're not going to get into the specifics of that tutorial. We're not that kind of show. For legal reasons. But Dana and Bree realized from watching the tutorial

that they need a phone charger. Dana doesn't have one. Bree doesn't have one. But Glory of all. glories Tiffany has one. She taps into those shot-putting skills and she tosses it down the alley. Dana uses the foe in charge her to turn like a small piece of the ignition mechanism and glory of glories. It works. Sammy starts right back up. Bree gets in the car, they back out of the alley, and they finally start heading over to the funeral. I'm expecting something bad to still happen. Well, on the way to the church, Bree is like, should we call the police to let them know we are now in

possession of the car because if the police pull us over because of the missing license plates, they might think the car is stolen and that will be a whole other set of problems. Dana is like, fine, we can call them, but we aren't making any additional stops. We're going to this fucking funeral. At this point, they are close to two hours late and Bree still needs to give her remarks. When Bree calls the police again, the operator asks them to come down to the station and Bree's like, but we don't need your help anymore. But the operator is like, no, you need to come and file a report.

They do still need to file a report. What would you do? Well, no, I go to the funeral. Like, I've been saying many times throughout this whole story. I go to the funeral. But they do still need to file the report. But no, it need not be right now. They do need to get read to the remarks.

Dana is like, screw this shit. Screw them. Screw the operator. We're not going down to the station right now. We're going to park the car in the church parking lot. We'll attend the funeral. We'll ride with Tiffany to the burial site. And then we'll come back,

receive the card during their pass, and then we will file a report. By the time Dana, Bree, and Tiffany arrive at the funeral and they sneak into the sanctuary, there are only two people ahead of Bree in the program. So you'd be excused for thinking that they got there with only four minutes to spare. No, like I said, at least 15 minutes each, at least. 25 minutes later. Right. It is finally re's turn to give remarks.

Right. After Bree gives her remarks, which only take her about five minutes. I was going to ask how long hers were. They're at the funeral for another hour and a half before they even make it to the burial site. Well, after a past, word starts to spread around about Dana's car being stolen and her stealing him back, and by word starts to spread,

I mean Tiffany starts telling the story to literally everyone in sight. So people start coming up to Dana and asking to hear all the details. Someone uncle comes up, a guy who works in probation for the county. He's like, so I heard you're boosting cars now. Dana's like, no, what? It's my car. Yeah, boost your own car. Bree is just laughing. Someone's kid comes up being like, yo, can you teach me what you did? And that is

basically the end of our story. I do have a couple updates for you, but first I want to ask, do you think the Kia boys are the villains here or just bored children? I don't see why they can't be both. Like, I don't, those are not mutually exclusive. Children can be villains, especially bored ones. And I do think they are the villain here. However, Miss Girl at the police station, I would like to have words. Like, I'm in a doctor. moment and everything has pissed me off today. I had to sit in Cheeto dust while I drove back to a funeral that I was late to, but also wasn't actually that late to. And you had the nerve to make me assurances that something couldn't happen when it actually could. And then when you assured me

it could happen, it actually didn't. And you were rude all the way through. And I understand you probably have a hard life. You are probably a wonderful mom. And maybe you have a teen that's stressing you out and boosting Kia's. But a little compassion, a little kindness. Like everyone's life is hard, but girl, why are you trying to make mine harder? This is a hard day. It's real. It's real. It's real. Well, the first update is that there's someone at Coach's funeral who works with the city.

And when the story of Dana and Bree's Heist gets to her, she gives Dana a direct number to the police station to report what happened. And surprisingly, or maybe unsurprisingly, when using the direct line and the police are actually pretty helpful. And this is when I said, always eat at the repast. So the police provide Dana with everything she needs to get the repairs taking care of with her insurance company. And she has the dealership fixed security flaw on Sammy. And the second update is that Dana and Bree are now engaged. Yay! I love love!

They did have to say goodbye to Dear Sammy last year. Of course they did. Sammy's guts were out. Like, he was geriatric and his guts were out. Of course they did. But fallen comrade, that is very sad. Shout out Sammy. Before their engagement, Bree googled most difficult cars to break into.

And this is how Dana ends up receiving a vulvo as an engagement present. I thought you were going to say a Honda Odyssey. I was like, wow, who knew? I don't know anything about a Honda Odyssey. Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at NormalGossip. Or you can leave us a voicemail at 2.5. 679 gossip.

If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or a friend of a friend at support normalgossip.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at NormalGossip. You can follow me on all social media at Hey Dene. Subscribe to our YouTube channel at Defector Media

to watch today's episode. Normal Gossip is written by me, Rachel Hampton, and J. Tolviera. This podcast was produced by Sierra Spragley Ricks and J. Tolviera. Our audio engineer is Samantha Gatsick. Emily Chair, is our video editor. Theme music composed by Rishi Kesheirway.

The co-creators endowager queens and normal gossip are Kelsey McKinney and Defector's supervising producer Alex Tujong Loughlin. Justin Ellis is Defector's Projects Editor. Jasper Wang is Defector's Business Guy. Tom Lay is our editor-in-chief. This season was made in memory of Dan McLeod, who ran our merch store, which you can find

at NormalGossip.com. Tara Jacoby designed our show art. Thank you to Brandy Jensen, David Roth, Catherine Shue, Sabrina Ember, Chris Thompson, Dave McKenna, Patrick Redford, and Ray Roddo for your help with this season. Thank you to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber-based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. I am your host, Rachel Hampton, and remember, you didn't hear this for me.