Normal Gossip - Processing Our Michael Phelps Trauma with B.A. Parker

Episode Date: May 3, 2023

B.A. Parker takes a trip back in time to a community pool in the South that has some major logistical issues. Parker is a freelance writer and the host of NPR's Code Switch podcast! Follow Parker on Twitter @aparkusfarce. PSA: This is the FIFTH of ten episodes this season! We're halfway, baby! Get your tickets to the Normal Gossip live tour here. You can support Normal Gossip directly by buying merch or becoming a Friend or a Friend-of-Friend at supportnormalgossip.com. Our merch shop is run by Dan McQuade. You can also find all kinds of info about us and how to submit gossip on our Komi page: https://normalgossip.komi.io/ Episode transcript here. Follow the show on Instagram @normalgossip, and if you have gossip, email us at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at 26-79-GOSSIP. Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney (@mckinneykelsey) and produced by Alex Sujong Laughlin (@alexlaughs). Diana Moskovitz is our story editor. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Jae Towle Vieira is our production assistant. Show art by Tara Jacoby. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. Credits recorded by Olivia Beres.

Hey, Kelsey McKinney here. I'm excited to share that our fellow radio-topia show, The Stoop, is back with a new season. The Stoop is an award-winning podcast that tells stories from across the Black diaspora. Journalists Lila Day and Hana Baba dig deep into Black life through reporting, conversations, and personal storytelling to talk about things

that aren't always shared in the open. I can't wait for their takes on the word auntie or being called out for not being able to speak the languages of your culture. In season nine, there's also a very intimate conversation with the mom and daughter about succession planning. They get into Black psychedelic culture and so much more. The Stoop, it's where you let your guard down

and just get real. Every other Thursday, wherever you get your podcasts, and follow them on Instagram at atthestooppodcast. Hi, and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney. In each episode of this podcast, we're gonna bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world.

I am so excited to have with me today, B.A. Parker. Parker is a freelance writer and audio producer from Baltimore, currently living in Brooklyn. She's the host of NPR's Code Switch, and her work can be recently heard on the Cut podcast with New York Magazine, The Nancy Podcast, and Heavyweight. Parker, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me.

I'm thrilled to have you. How are you doing? Are you excited to gossip? I am. I'm excited to gossip. I love mess that isn't mine. What kind of mess that isn't yours is your favorite? Do you have a favorite type?

I mean, anything that doesn't, like, I don't know, involve murder, I think we're good. I like that you're like, I draw the line at murder, actually, everything else. I draw the line. Anything else is good. Do you want to start me off with our classic first question and tell me what your relationship with gossip is?

My relationship with gossip tends to be whatever my mom tells me. OK, tell me more. No, I'm out of the, because I moved away. I have a large family, so I was using my mom calling me to tell me what's happening with our family, what's happening at church, things like that. So it's good to be, it also is an anonymous gossip,

because I live far away. So you're like, I don't know who this person is, but I am concerned about their contribution. You know the parent that's like, you know that person that you met when you were six? Yes. No, I don't know this person, but tell me everything about him. What happened?

And then I know some poor person's whole entire business with no face, no memory, no height, no nothing. You just know their name and every bad thing that's ever happened to them. Yep, and it has traveled all the way to New York. Wow, that's beautiful. Did your mom influence the way that you perceive gossip, or is she just your favorite person to gossip with?

She's my favorite person to gossip with, but also, I don't tell them into my business, because I also know that that will trickle to a family, because I have gone to a family event. They'll know where I went, like what vacation I went on, what I'm doing at work, how much money I'm making. And I'm like, wait, how do you know that? So that tends to be so, you pick and choose.

It's kind of funny, because I feel like some people don't think of talking about their family as gossip. Like, would your relatives consider that gossip, or would they consider it like an update? If it's like 38 second cousins, then it is. You have 38 second cousins? Yeah. Wow.

So it becomes gossip at a certain point. What is the point, though? Obviously, if you tell your mom something, that's not gossip, right? Hopefully. Hopefully. But then she'll tell me something. Sometimes I have accidentally said something

on air that she told me. She didn't say not to tell it. Well, then that's her problem, kind of. And I told it, it was when I interviewed y'all for iBam, I said something about her on air that I wasn't supposed to say. I'm sorry. I apologize personally. It was my personal choice to just say it.

And then she called me that morning when it aired on the radio. She was like, why did you tell people that? And I was like, I didn't know I wasn't supposed to. I'm so sorry. I feel like that's my default, where I'm like, if you don't tell me that I can't tell people, I'm going to assume that I can.

When you say cone of silence or something, that's when I'm like, all right, I'm not going to tell anybody. I may tell one person. Oh, no, I was like, am I the drama? You backed off of that so fast. You were like, if you say cone of silence, I'm not going to tell anyone. Well, maybe one person.

But also, OK, this is also my logic, because I live in New York. And like my friend's business, I'll tell my mom. But my mom isn't a real person. She's down there. Yeah, she's far away. She doesn't know who your friends are. She's 400 miles away.

That doesn't mean nothing to her. I agree. That doesn't count at all. Yeah. Do you gossip with your friends, too, or is it just your mom? Oh, no, I do gossip with my friends. But OK, this is what as journalists, journalists with just fancy gossips.

Say more, you just want the news. You want you want the tea and you want to know who to share it with and who not to share it with. Yeah. But ultimately, you got to tell it. It's it's bubbling inside. It's your job, really. Your job is to be nosy for the greater good.

Is that why you went into journalism in the first place? To be nosy. Yeah. That's why I did. So no, I mean, it doesn't hurt. But I went into, like, tell weird radio essays for the radio. That's what I got into it for, to tell, like, to tell people's business. I'm actually really scared to put people's business on the radio.

Like, that is something that I think about a lot. Why? Like, like, I don't want to ruin a good person's life. OK, but a bad person, it's fine. A bad person is fine. Like, if someone wants to tell me, like, the Elon Musk T, then by all means, I'll put them in there. That's called being a public servant.

That's a public servant. So I'm concerned about running a good person's life. Some always like really, really, really focused on what kind of stories I tell. Because they do. I might stories tend to be like uplifting stories. So that's kind of like the goal. So I'm not like telling somebody's business. I'm actually like writing love letters to these people on the radio.

That's my goal. I'm not. That's why I'm not doing investigative journalism. I do, like, pleasant puff pieces and, like, dark excavations of my soul. Is that gossip about yourself? Maybe oversharing, I'm not sure. I don't know. I don't consider sharing personal stuff about myself. Gossip, it might be a little sometimes cry for help.

I'm not gossiping. I'm simply begging for help. I'm begging, like, I might need a hug just so you know. No. So that's that's good gossip. That is good gossip. Have you ever used gossip as, like, a way to learn more about a community that you're new in? Ooh, I don't think so.

I use astrology for that. I don't do. What do you mean you use astrology for that? Is it gossip? If, like, I find out someone's sign and then I use that as a way to determine it's like a approach in this new social situation. Wait, OK. Can you I this is fascinating and I want to I want to, like, dig my little claws into it.

Like, certainly some signs, if you're like, oh, he's a Gemini, right? It's like that's that is a red flag, but it's also not his fault that he was born. It's not your fault under that sun. When you say you're using astrology for gossip and like to get the lay of a new territory, how are you doing that? OK, growing up, I was a kid with like a social anxiety. OK. And then I would learn someone's sign and then I would learn attributes about

that sign in order to gauge how to approach them because it would help with my fear. What is your son's sign? I'm going to OK. I'm an Aquarius. OK, I'm a very convivial isolationist. We like people who like ourselves more. Yeah, continue. So like realizing, like, learning someone's a Scorpio, like, oh, that person

is a bit maybe a little bit jaded, might like to be in control or someone's Alex. I'm sorry. Oh, no, Alex famously keeps secrets forever to deploy them at will. So she is a Scorpio. I mean, I respect it. We all respect it, but we fear it. It was like, OK, like I went to an event recently and this this mom came up to me to tell me that like her daughter was in charge of the event.

And she was saying something and I was like, is your daughter a cancer? She's like, how did you know? I was like, because she feels her feelings and she feels every one of them. And she's like, she does and we all have to feel them with it. And I was like, see, because astrology got me the gossip more than it got me. Oh, no, but that seems true, right? Because you said like here, right? One of the big criticisms of astrology is that it could be anything, right?

That it's vague enough, which is like, whatever, we ignore those people. But what you've said is like, this is a common trait of the sign. And then you got actual gossip about that person because her mom was like, yes, that's true. Here's some other things. Oh, my God, I could be a spy. You could be a spy, right? Just use the entire like astrological chart to just like get people.

Yeah. Just going up to people at parties being like, can I see your chart? Like the circle chart? Can I see it? You have real, real, real vibes right now. Me? No, no, I can't get your sign. I'm sorry.

My Virgo. I'm so sorry. No, it's not that. I mean, Beyonce is a Virgo and she is the best and brightest out of all the Virgos. My birthday is one day before Beyonce's, which I cherish in my heart. Yes, I love it. Is it bad that I know like Beyonce's birthday?

No, I also know Britney Spears' birthday. So, you know, between the two of us, we know most pop icons birthdays. That's all that matters. Yeah, that is all that matters. Oh, I wanted to ask you about reality TV because I know that you are also a reality TV person, kind of like you watch Love is Blind. I do watch Love is Blind is like the only one that I will commit to. I can't.

You're married to Love is Blind. I'm married to Love is Blind. It's like because like reality TV is like K-pop or hockey. And that's just. And then it's what? I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you because it was like reality TV, K-pop and hockey. And I just like lost it.

No, it's like K-pop or hockey in that it's like it's too late for me. It's like it's too many groups. It's too many things that I have to learn. I pick one and I stick with it. So like K-pop is a band called like God 7 that I heard like six years ago. And I'm like, that's it. I'm like, I can't learn anymore. Hockey, I know the I know the the Rangers.

That's all you're getting from me. Reality TV, Love is Blind. That's all you're getting from me. Like I can't invest in like the real housewives. I can't. What is the benefit of knowing one thing really well about these topics? It's just fun. It just entertains my soul.

It doesn't matter. It's just like I can't there's so much content and I just have to just invest in one and just be angry at that. I can't be angry at all of them because they're all just baddie. But at least Love is Blind. I can it's concise enough and it comes out like once or twice a year that I can be annoyed in spurts. So the question I was going to ask you is how far does like your interest

in the astrology of other people extend, right? So if you're watching Love is Blind, are you like, what's this person's sign? I'm going to Google it. Oh, I have never. But also with Love is Blind, so many of them are such narcissists that I can't I can't figure out what their sign is. Like I can't penetrate past the narcissism. They're just holding up a mirror, right?

I was like, I can't do it. Also, I don't want to know more about them. Like, I feel like there's like a like I want I want to think of them as a two dimensional and I don't want to those are my fictional flat characters who come to me on the TV who are awful people who maybe two of them deserve love in this space out anywhere else. They can get it. But like in this space, I don't I don't see it.

Why Love is Blind, besides like it only coming out once a year, if you don't watch other reality TV, why do you watch Love is Blind? Now I'm just asking you questions. I'm curious. No, it was like during the pandemic and I got swooped in and I was talking to with my friends. And now there's like four people who will text me during Love is Blind to get my opinions about it and to get mad with me. And yeah, I mean, I want to say this season is much more tolerable

than the last season, but also, I don't know, it's too it's too much. Talk about marriage and like breeding for hot babies in a way that makes me very uncomfortable. It's like a like a mating kink, right? What's happening here? Also, don't say you want hot babies. That's just weird. Babies can't be hot.

Good Lord. So that is so I go in to be angry, but also to hope at least one couple gets married because again, I like mess that isn't my own. So like if Paul, who is only hot with a haircut, Marys, ladies, who seems absolutely awful, I kind of want them to do it because I want I want mess. Right. Because you want to know what's going to happen next. Yeah. And I also it's their choices.

They are grown ups and they decided to take a month off work to do the shenanigans. You chose to put your career on hold to sit in a dark room and talk to someone you can't see. I mean, is this going to be good for your law career? No. Listen, who knows? Not me. You're not going to be my defense attorney after I see the kind of choices

you're making. But that is neither here nor there. No. OK, one last question and then we'll do the story, which is just besides telling me and Alex, your mom's gossip, have you ever has gossip ever gotten you into like trouble? Oh, have I blocked it out or has it just not happened? Because I feel like I've done pretty well.

It also helps have social anxiety. You don't share too much business with other people. That's not a therapist. So no. Wait, OK, but these two things are in contradiction, right? You said earlier, like, I'm going to tell everyone, I have to tell everyone. And now you're saying, like, I have social anxiety, so I'm not going to tell everyone. Like, which one is it?

Or are there like parameters in your brain? Being an Aquarius, no, like I have like one, maybe two friends that I'll talk to. But also, here's the thing, I smile a lot. And I'm very friendly and people talk to me all the time. And sometimes they share with me their business as if, like, I'm not there. Yeah, because I seem receptive.

I fully believe that this is an Aquarius trait because my my younger sister is an Aquarius and she does eyelash extensions. And so people lay down on her table and close their eyes. And then everybody's business. Yeah, they're like, here's all my business. And my sister is like, thank you, I love it. It is. It just like it just comes to us. I don't seek it out.

You're just being gifted it. I can't I can't I can't control the gift. If someone wanted to have this gift, do you have any advice for them? It helps me born under the right sign, can't help that. It helps to seem really nonthreatening. I seem really nonthreatening. And what happens is, like, it helps. Sometimes, like, people on the subway will talk to me

about their business late at night. What? Yeah. Like, just randos will be like, here's a problem I'm having. Sometimes it has happened on, like, a 2 a.m. a train that was going local. That from Harlem to Rockaway. And you're like, I know everything about this man. Goodbye, see you never.

And it wasn't like I had anywhere to go because it was it was going local. That was like 45 minutes in my life. I just had to embrace a conversation with a man. It was about his boyfriend. OK. I'm not going to put this man's face on. Yeah, this is going to come for you if you.

Yeah, but like, it was this guy talking about like his relationship problems. And he saw me as a safe space out of all the people, like all like the seven people that were on the train. He was like, this is what happened. And you were like, thank you. Thank you. I have no use for this. And I don't know who you are.

I don't know his name. This happened, like, a year and a half ago. And it's still like, all right. It's kind of nice that you have this, like, very intimate experience with a stranger that you now think about. But we'll never revisit. True. It's also OK. This is also a journalist problem.

Yes. Do you have a thing where someone who realizes you're like a journalist or a reporter and they think that that means that you want to listen to what they have to say? Yes. And so they just talk and talk. And I was like, all right. Sometimes I have to dinner parties. I'm like, all right, I don't want to do it. OK. So that also is how it helps.

Yeah. Be an Aquarius and ask a follow up question. Yeah, I was like, oh, and then what happened? Yeah. That's all you had to do. How do you make you feel? That's all you got to do. Those are your three questions. Yeah, you're done. And also, when people talk, they don't really sometimes

don't care who they're talking to as long as as long as it seems like you're listening to them. There are very few people are active listeners. So if you become an active listener, people will tell you things. Yeah. You're just nodding while they're telling you very bad secrets. And you're like, mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

OK, well, is there anything else that you would like to say about the concept of gossip before we move on into our story? Gossip is like cutting a pillow and having the feathers fly out into the ether. You can't pick those feathers back up. So you better be right. I like I saw doubt. You didn't move it, though.

I don't see what happens. Yeah. That was his monologue when his servants were like, gossip is like that's it. I appreciate it. Thank you. That's all we do on this podcast is just slash open a bunch of pillows and learn like the feathers fly through the air. OK, you want to do a gossip story?

I am. Let's do it to it. Hell, yeah. For today's story, we are traveling to the south. The town we are visiting is full of snowbirds. Each year, the average age of the people who live in this town is just creeping steadily upward. I got you. It is late summer 2009. Oh, like boom, boom, pow, right?

All right. And our friend of a friend for today, her name is Lorraine. Love that. She's in her early 70s. She had like her little girl boss career, and now she's retired. She loves being retired. I would love to be retired right now. Me too.

She has all her little hobbies and she has like lots of friends, right? She has like all these clothes that she's been wearing for 30 years. And she like loves to like do her little gossip chats with her friends. That's her whole thing. You're describing my great aunts. This is great. And also, hopefully, my own future. Lorraine had like some old injury, you know, from when she was younger.

And so she had to have like a partial knee replacement. Oh, no. I know. Have you ever had to have one of these like big surgeries or like an injury or anything like that? I broke my ankle like 10 years ago, so I have a I have a cable in my ankle. Oh, I mean, it's kind of fun. It tells me when it's going to snow or when it's going to rain. It buzzes. It vibrates.

It just gets real stiff in the morning. I'm like, oh, no, the weather is changing. I'm going to feel real old to get an an injury at a very young age. So was your recovery bad for the ankle? I couldn't walk for like three and a half months. Oh, my God. So yes. Yes. Like I had to stay with my grandmother and my mother for like three to four months.

I lived in New York, so this is like very painful. No. But I finished my thesis. So that was nothing else to do. I finished my thesis. That's a hack. Lorraine hates the recovery from her knee replacement surgery. Like she is so bored and she is usually like an active gal, right?

She wants to like trot around outside. She likes to have her little adventures and her life, but she's like not strong enough. And once she's passed like the first, you know, six weeks, she needs to like find a way to strengthen her knee without hurting it. Do you have any ideas for her? My physical therapist made me use those little bands, those hard bands you put on your ankle to like strengthen it.

Yeah. They also gave me like it wasn't an ultrasound machine, but something that you put on your like the the the injury and you let it vibrate. Oh, there's like a STEM thing. Yeah, I have no idea if that worked. It was just like me. They feel good, though.

They're like kind of cool. They feel good. And you can put like a little little lubricant on it to like fix it up. And it's just like me sitting there just watching Roseanne while this. OK, Lorraine's idea for how to figure out what to do with her knee is her idea is I will simply call my adult daughter and ask her for help. And what capacity? So Lorraine calls her adult daughter and she's like,

I need to find a way to strengthen my knee. Can you help me figure out a way to do this? Like, you know how to use the Internet, use the Internet for me. And her adult daughter does use the Internet for her and is like, Florida is the land of pools. She's like, it's the American dream. There's a pool for everyone. She's like, I found a community center pool

near you that you could go to to like exercise your knee in. Right on. Have you ever been to a community center pool? Uh, I guess I did. Well, I did have to when I went out of swim. Yeah. OK, so that was like nine. Yeah. Yeah. They're big, big pools, right?

Big pools that everyone can use. Yeah. Mm hmm. And then, I mean, there's the there's concern because it was like a bunch of kids of us kids in the pool. And I'm certain at least half of them were peeing in that bad boy. Wow. Yes. They were grown up so the other. That is the classic problem with community pools

is that everyone is always peeing in them. But the daughter, Lorraine's daughter, has found her a water aerobics class. Love that. You love this. You think this is a great idea? I have I have a stepmom who has a bad knee. And for a while, she did water aerobics at like a senior center. Yeah. So this is basically what Lorraine's daughter found for her.

She's like, there's a class every day in the morning. It seems fun. And Lorraine is like, I don't like organized athletics and aren't those pools full of pee. And Lorraine's daughter is like, yes, but also you should try the water aerobics. The chlorine cleans it. Yeah, exactly.

Would you go to the the community center water aerobics pool? Yeah. And not only that, like I would go with my mom and like. It's like it's hour of your time to read a book while they, you know, slowly try to bend the knee. Yeah. Yeah. So Lorraine decides she's going to go and it's like, you know, you go in through these doors and it's a big like Olympic sized indoor pool. And some of it is like roped off for lap swimmers.

And some of it is like roped off for children. And then some of the like shallow end is for the classes. OK, so it's like, you know, diving boards, that kind of stuff. Yeah. The water aerobics class is like an exercise class in the water. And they have like pool noodles, but they're fancier than normal pool noodles. They're not like Styrofoam with the little holes on the.

Well, they are that, but they're fancier than that. So you could they're like heavier and so you can like stand on them underwater. No, thank you. And like so the water aerobics is like you stand on your little pool noodle and do your squats, right? Or you like do your lunges while you stand on the pool noodle. It's like all you have little weights on your arms, right?

Those little like bracelet weights, yeah, like a banded belt weight. So it's like it's real. You're making a face. All right. No. I got concerned about like standing on the noodle with a bad knee. I don't that I'm a little concerned about. But all right, keep going, keep going. OK. The water aerobics is not aqua fitness and it's not aqua Zumba.

This is a very important distinction to one person. And that is the instructor of water aerobics. Her name is Erin. Let's calm down. We don't need semantics right now. We don't. The rain just wants to just make her knee feel better. That's all she wants.

And Erin is like, you know, she's like in her late 20s, she like helps everyone do these exercises. And she is mainly there to like lead the class and to help people do modifications for their injuries, right? So like you have a bad knee, you're going to do this instead. You have a bad hip, you're going to do this instead. Does she have like a license for the season? She's a great question.

I don't know. What I do know is that Erin is really out of it that like water aerobics is about training and form. So like unlike aqua fitness, which is only about like making yourself exhausted or aqua Zumba, which is only about like beauty, water aerobics is like the happy place. It is both. I want to say at no point in my life have I.

Heard of water Zumba aqua Zumba and aqua, what was it? Aqua aerobics, fitness, aqua fitness. I've only heard of water aerobics. The other two. Is that a is that a Florida thing? I don't know. I don't. All right. OK. Erin is, you know, she's fighting a battle.

She has her own demons and that is her right. Lorraine is like, I do not give a shit about any of this, right? Like she's like, she's like, I'm just here to do my little knee strengthening exercises and have fun. But she likes the class. She like kind of feels a little out of place, but she makes friends quickly and it makes her feel strong and she's having a great time. Good for her.

Erin like helps her learn the exercises. She tells her which shower is the good one, which is an important fact in community pools. But what Lorraine really likes about this class is that there is so much drama. Lorraine, a woman after my own heart is always scouting for drama and the community center is full of it. You know what? Good for her. You can't bring the mountain to Muhammad, bring the Muhammad to the mountain.

And there she is. She's in the water and she's getting dirt. Good for her. Yeah. Do you remember the 2008 Beijing Olympics? Vaguely, there was a lot going on in 2000. Yes. But I vaguely remember the Beijing Olympics. I just remember that the opening ceremony was spectacular and it was very it was very synchronized in a way that

we do not have the capacity for it. The big news, which I am sure you remember of the 2008 Olympics, was Michael Phelps, because Michael Phelps won gold medals as a as a Baltimorean. Yeah, yeah, I've the trauma of like 2008. Michael Phelps is still like I've blocked it out. What? Trauma as a Baltimorean. No, he's from Baltimore. And then that space of like that summer of 2008, it was intolerable.

It was just like billboard after billboard. It was like special after special on regular TV. And I was like, just give this kid the medal so we can all go home. And the thing is, they did. He won eight medals, which is like the greatest medal hall ever by an individual. I'm aware. I'm sure you remember. I'm so painfully aware. Yes.

No, I mean, he's great. He has the wingspan of like a shark or some shit. Like he he was beloved. I'm glad that he's like the greatest of all time at floating. And he could swim to the Statue of Liberty and back. I think you watch him get measured a lot. Like his wingspan, his back. I'm like, why am I seeing that is true?

They did a lot of like holding the tape measure. Yeah, like he has an eagle's wingspan and he can swim like seven miles in like three minutes or some like ridiculous thing. And I'm like, OK, settle down. I'm sorry. Exactly. You just opened up like a fresh wound that I did not know was still there. Sorry, but also it was good content. So I'm not actually that sorry.

The thing about Michael Phelps winning all these medals, becoming like this national celebrity, is that it means that the community pool where Lorraine is doing her in water aerobics is filled with people who were inspired. You know, OK. And all of these people are like, I too will swim laps like Michael Phelps. This is not your ministry. Like I mean, swimming is great as a person who loves to swim.

And you're not a swimmer. Yeah, it's OK. You can let that dream go. You could be a casual swimmer. So all these inspired people are there, right? And they're like, you know, putting on their little swim caps. Like one of them in particular is like wearing a speedo and always like stretching right in front of the water aerobics women

so that they can like see him. That's aggressive. All right. So the community pool has this problem now, which is a confluence of like old timers, people who have been there forever swimming, doing all this stuff and enthusiastic new people who like don't know any of the rules. Oh, that's you know what?

That's fair. I started taking spin classes in my like mid 20s. I got really into spin for like a year and a half. OK, in a way that probably wasn't great. But also I didn't know what like the etiquette was. Yeah, I didn't know that, you know, supposed to wipe down the bike. Beginning and the end. I didn't know I'd never been to like a gym before.

Right. So this is exactly the problem is that like pools are like cafeterias. Like all of these places that are communal spaces have a bunch of unwritten rules that aren't posted anywhere. It's just like you're supposed to know to wipe the bike down. You're supposed to know that like these are the serious swimmer lanes and these are the non serious swimmer lanes, right? Yeah.

But all these people are new and they don't respect the rules. So there are constant fights in the lanes. Oh, no. The real problem is that there is no like guidance at the pool because the lifeguards are all 16 years old and like extremely focused on kissing. So they don't care about these problems. It's that's what teenage lifeguards are supposed.

That's the whole purpose of being a teenage lifeguard. Yeah, that's their job to smooch. So I'm not going to tell if I was a teenager, I'm not going to tell like a 70 year old to like scooch. Yeah, exactly. So these fights are like they get kind of heated. There's no mediating force. It's just kind of a disaster.

And Lorraine takes to like doing her water aerobics, facing the swim lanes. So like facing away from Erin. So that during the water aerobics, she can like watch these fights. Lorraine is multitasking. Yeah, she's she's multitasking. And she's like getting better at water aerobics. She's learning about all the lap swimmers drama.

She's learning which lifeguards have crushes on other lifeguards. All of this would be perfect, except for one woman named Pearl. Keeps telling her to turn around like she's in charge. Pearl, that's none of your business. I mean, to be honest, stay in your lane. Yeah, exactly. Pearl is like younger than Lorraine. She brings her own equipment to the water aerobics. So like she has her own special ordered weights that are like

just showing off. Yes, they're like lavender and slightly heavier than everyone else's weights. And she like gets to class early, but is always the last one in the pool. So that people can like watch her enter the pool. That's not that is not someone who is there for the betterment of themselves. The real problem, though, is that she's so loud. Like if a move is hard for her, everyone knows. She's like, uh, uh, yeah, exactly.

If a move is easy, she's like, I'm just going to add some weight to mine. Pearl, let's settle down. And so Lorraine and Pearl are enemies and they spend their time rolling their eyes at each other because Pearl thinks it's ridiculous that Lorraine isn't focused. And Lorraine thinks that Pearl is ridiculous. Right now, I'm team Lorraine. Lorraine is Lorraine is doing what is it?

I don't know if it's paid or if it's free, but either way, she's there. She's doing the work and she's also, you know, getting everyone's business. Like, let's settle down. It's a community pool. Also, like you are not training to be an Olympian. It's fine. Pearl, all of this is great. Lorraine, for the most part, loves going to water aerobics. Like if Pearl didn't exist, it would be the best thing in her life.

About like six months into her experience of water aerobics, Erin comes to class one day and is like, I have bad news. I have an announcement. There is a lifeguard shortage in our community. And so the other community center that also had a pool has to close because there are not enough lifeguards. Does it mean more people are going to come to this pool? Yes. All right.

It means that all of those people are now also coming to this community pool. That's too many people in the pool. Yes. And Pearl, for once, has like a good comment. And Pearl is like, these lifeguards don't even do anything. Like, why do we need them? They're just smooching. And Lorraine is like, yeah. And Erin is like, well, there are rules.

Like you have to have lifeguards at community pool. On the off chance that someone might drown. Yes. It does help to have someone up there to like blow a whistle. Yes, exactly. But these old ladies are like, they're not even doing anything. They're just smooching. Thanks. So now the community center is very crowded.

It also means that the water aerobics class is crowded, right? Like the water is so warm now. Lorraine has like a whole new wealth of gossip that has opened up to her. And she's like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And Curl is upset because she's getting less and less attention because there are like all these new people who need to learn how to use the pool noodles and they need to be like helped with their injury accommodations. One day they come to class.

They're like in the water doing their little moves and the lifeguards have forgotten to put out the laying dividers. Oh, no, things? Yeah. And so like the Michael Phelps wannabe guy is like swimming way too close to the class and he's like splashing everyone and Lorraine gets slapped by his like big flailing arms and he's like so loud he's splashing all the time Lorraine can't like hear any gossip because he's making so much noise and Lorraine's like I have an increased chance of ingesting this pool water which is disgusting because you are splashing it all up into the air

You're supposed to respect the space Yeah Don't be that guy But do you do anything like if you're in this pool and this is happening? You say watch it Well you can't hear you it's underwater I mean you can kind of like Because you can kick him

You're gonna kick him I mean if he's not looking up He's not suspecting You can see people's legs when you're underwater You can know when you're in someone's space Yeah When the entire group is there it's not their job to accommodate to you I agree

Pearl like looks at Erin And it's like Erin do something Does Erin do anything? Erin's like let me go get a lifeguard So she goes to like find the lifeguards wherever they are like playing guitar hero in some back room And Erin is like can you please come help with this? And they're like uh we're busy So Erin goes and like breaks up this fight by herself

And is like the lifeguards are bringing out these buoys now Like everyone has to just wait until they get here to swim their laps Okay That's a nice compromise Yeah Alright But now everyone is like kind of grumpy Because the water aerobics people couldn't be taught

Because Erin was helping this The lap swimmers had to stop Lorraine is like this is the most exciting thing that's happened to me in months She's like I'm getting brain exercise I'm doing social studies I love it here Anything to edify Lorraine is important to me right now But there are more people than ever

Right so there are more fights than ever Oh The lap swimmers are grumpy because the class is taking up more lanes Because there are more people from the other pool The class is grumpy because the lap swimmers are splashing them The lifeguards are annoyed because everyone needs them all the time now So instead of getting to like sit on their little stands and look at their phones They have to like help

Yeah Erin is the one who ends up like policing a lot of this stuff So she's also like losing control of the class Yeah And she can't like get into the water to help people anymore Because there are all these problems and the class is so big Pearl is furious about this This is unsustainable

It is And Pearl complains about this every single day She's like Erin's out of the pool She's not even paying attention to us She's always like busy with other people Pearl I think it's time to get proactive You can't keep getting on your hands It's good for my man

Get somebody's grandchild to come to learn By now Lorraine has been in this water aerobics class for like a year It's been one year How is that knee Lorraine? I know she's feeling great honestly She's like I'm doing way better but now she's like Water aerobics is where I go to get all my gauze And like I love this drama

I'm not quitting water aerobics just because my knee is better Like no way I respect that So she comes in one day and it reeks of chlorine You know the smell? It burns your nose Do you know anything about pool chemicals? Only from the man on tiktok that cleans pools

What? You don't get the man on tiktok who like He has like that nice knife that slices over the top of the bag No but I would love to see that He pours like all of these bags to pour into the pools This sounds great He'll show like an old and dusty like really dirty pool That's like empty and then he like scrubs it out

And then puts new water in and then puts all of the bags of I guess chlorine or whatever into the pool Then it gets all blue and pretty I would love to see this It's very nice It sounds very soothing The algorithm every once in a while will show me the man And even like the slicing with the knife of like the bags is very soothing

That does sound soothing I'm glad that my phone has been near us so that it could hear this And serve me this chlorine man later I can't wait to see it Love the key words to like trigger the algorithm Love that Speaking into my phone like chlorine man Chlorine man

Tiktok pool Okay I don't know like anything about pool chemicals But what I learned is that chlorine right goes into the pool to clean the water Yeah Okay and then there is another chemical called it's like Muriatric acid or something I don't care if I'm saying this right so don't correct me And acid goes into the pool also to like balance the pool

And lower the pH from the chlorine Right so that's what it makes it like able for you to swim in it If you were to pour these two liquids together That is very bad You would create chlorine gas Which is famously very toxic That's no good Anything that says gas and it is bad

Yes And like in the pool it's fine because it's such a small amount of both of these things compared to the amount of water That there's no problem So Lorraine is telling one of the new women she's like it doesn't always smell like this Like every once in a while they clean the pools and put the new chemicals in And then it's like really smelly for one day and then it's over Okay And this woman is from the other community center

And she's like I'm leaving I'm not staying here And Lorraine is like Okay why And this woman tells her that once at the other community pool The like pool chemical boys messed up and they did create chlorine gas And then everyone had to go to the hospital Well that's an anecdotal incident Lorraine don't let that get into your head Lorraine gets out of the pool

Everyone in the aqua in the like water aerobics class is panicking Someone is running around yelling I smell it lifeguards are yelling don't run Erin's yelling it's fine Lorraine's yelling I smell something and I'm saying something No don't don't stress out old people like that You give them one little bit of information and they will run with it and then ruin everyone's day So the water aerobics class has to be canceled because everyone is freaking out Which of course makes the lap swimmers thrilled because they're like great bye

Oh that's not that's not nice It's not nice Oh so then what happens Well they come in the next day and they learn that everything was fine right Because like it was just pool chemicals it was fine But this did not help the dynamic between the water aerobics people and the lap swimmers No because these lap swimmers need to respect the space Yes but the lap swimmers are also like you come in here and you try to tell us the rules of the pool

And then you also become convinced that the regular pool chemicals are chlorine gas And start running around like chickens with your head cut off Oh my god they're old leave them alone I like that you're going firm in the like respect your elders Respect your elders they don't know any better they don't know how pools work like that They barely know how pools work You and I don't even know how pools work if some it's like if an older person told me that they smelled gas I would get the hell out because it's like they know something we don't

If somebody told me my friend had to go to the hospital because of chlorine gas Because some dumb teens like mix up these pool chemicals I'd be like you know what I'm going to leave I'm going to leave just in case you know Why not? Like I when I think of a teenager and their competence and I think about my level of competence It's about the same and so I'm like I And do you trust us with pool chemicals? No

I don't So you know what Lorraine again team Lorraine Okay you're back on team Lorraine Yeah All of this brings us to like an early summer morning When the lifeguards are not at the pool on time Alright So all of the water aerobics people are like sitting in their cars with the AC blasting

Waiting for the lifeguards to show up and open the pool Mm-hmm Doors are locked Erin is like calling the pool manager on the phone The fear is that if the lifeguards are late enough there can be no water aerobics because there's another class right? Mm-hmm Five minutes pass Ten minutes pass

Do you get involved? Like what's your take? I mean Ten minutes I'll go investigate You're going to investigate I'm going to go swimming Yeah so you're going to go up and what are you going to do?

You're going to go up and be like what's happening? Like can we go in here? Yes I'm like excuse me hi I just want to see if everything's okay And then I'm going to go back to my car Yeah I love that strategy I think it's really good Lorraine is like trying to decide she's like waffling back and forth when she sees Pearl like get out of her car and like flap her little hands

She's like trotting over there to like probably create a scene Yeah And Lorraine is like I am not awake enough to deal with that I am going to go get a coffee and come right back because it's like three minutes away and probably the gates will be opened by then Yeah So she goes to get her coffee she comes back sure enough the doors were open Okay So Lorraine like hustles in right she changes really fast but she's late

And there are 25 people in water aerobics today Absolutely not That's too many Two of the lanes instead of just one so the lap swimmers are not happy The swimmers without lanes are like glaring at the water at the water aerobics people Lorraine hustles back but because everyone's in the pool already she has to stand by Pearl in the water How long are these water aerobics classes like an hour 45 minutes Yeah

That's that doesn't seem like that long of a time to be that annoyed with the water aerobics swimmers Like it's okay just take the break How do you handle having to stand next to your enemy though At a certain point you can splash a little water in a face be right Just a little bit a little bit of water is a treat Well accidental splashing Oops Oops I'm so sorry

Erin is like out of the pool because she is there are so many people in this class they need to be led from the side of the pool What Erin When a lap swimmer with those scuba flippers gets into the pool A good swimmer with those scuba flippers does not make a splash right they use their little scuba flippers under the water Yeah This guy is like you know he's like a drummer who comes in and plays every single drum at the same time he has no restraint He is showy he's not efficient he is splashing everyone You see like a lot of selfish swimmers out here this is bad sportsmanship

This is not community care No So Erin has to go like deal with this problem right she's like one you can't wear scuba flippers in the pool like they're too big they're creating too much of a problem No Two you're splashing everyone in water aerobics right so she goes down to deal with that While she's gone Pearl is like starting to get fussy She's huffing She's sighing very theatrically

Pearl Lorraine is like I'm trying to listen to this drama that's happening in the lanes and you are sighing so loud that I can't hear anything But she doesn't say that to her she just thinks it in her head Right Finally Lorraine is like what are you huffing about And Pearl points at a lifeguard who is sitting on his stand with his phone And Lorraine is like yeah I mean he shouldn't be on his phone but also like there are three lifeguards right now and there are also teachers like it's fine And Pearl is like no that boy is taking photos of me in my swimsuit And Lorraine is like what

And Pearl is like his phone is pointed down at me And Lorraine like looks up and sure enough his phone is pointed down but his chin is like tilted up Oh he's taking selfies You think he's taking a selfie you don't think he's taking photos of Pearl in her swimsuit I mean if his chin is up I feel like he's posing And also I'm thinking distance wise that couldn't have been a good photo if he was trying to take a pearl It'd be kind of green

Yes yes Lorraine is like one I'm pretty sure that teen is taking a selfie like look at how he's trying to make his jaw have an angle that doesn't exist right He's taking a selfie She's like too I'm not so sure that we're in the age range of like attention from teen boys Don't sell yourself short Lorraine And Lorraine is like also we are like a hundred feet away from this boy and it's 2009 So like this this camera is not zooming in well No

The rest of the class pearl is silent But she's like doing her motions really dramatically So she's like causing a fuss I'm doing too much Class is short though because it started late as you may remember Yes So Lorraine is like thank god goodbye I don't want to do this anymore But she can't leave because Pearl is marching up to Erin

She's like still wearing her weights She's shuffling so she won't slip and she's like I am not happy with how you're running this class What do you want Erin to do? Lorraine gasps Here are Pearl's complaints Okay one She says that starting class late is disrespectful There was no other way

Two She says that Erin plays favorites and only talks to some people There's like 25 people in the freaking class she can't talk to all of them Yes and the people she's pointing out are people with injuries who need accommodations Pearl Three She's like you don't even get into the water to monitor us anymore There's too many people in the pool

She's like four you need to pay more attention To who? Erin Erin refutes this point by point as you have just done She's like I don't open the pool so I can't control that problem Those are people who need medical accommodation I don't get in the water because there are too many of you Erin is like clearly exhausted and she's like

Do you know what Pearl? If you disagree with how this class is run you don't have to come Darn right Also Erin's not getting paid enough for this Yeah exactly Erin's like I'm a W9 employee getting paid like nothing I don't care about this problem Oh god

Lorraine like you know she does a real shower she changes She gets in the car and she immediately calls her daughter And she's like here's what happened Pearl confronted Erin Erin said that Pearl doesn't have to come back So she like asks her daughter she's like do you think that Pearl's going to come back Like what do you think? I think she's going to come back

You do? Yeah Why? I don't know I feel like even bad attention is attention And it's clear she has nothing else to do The next day Lorraine shows up at the pool And yet again the gates are not unlocked on time Everyone today is standing up by the gates they are not waiting in their cars

Right on Pearl is here she has on her lavender track suit she has her sunglasses on She's like watching with her hands on her hips while Erin calls the lifeguards and gets no answers Erin calls the pool manager and he arrives pretty quickly and unlocks the gate Thank god But there's still no lifeguards so you can't get into the pool Yes And before he can get inside, before Lorraine manages to get inside

Pearl has cornered the pool manager No Pearl Do you go inside or do you stay outside? To be nosy? I mean can I be in the middle and kind of like lean in to kind of see what they're talking about Like in limbo Pretend that I'm going in Pretend to check my phone

Lorraine is like the lifeguards aren't here yet so we can't get in the pool anyway so I'm staying out here I understand that So she hears Pearl like launch into her complaints about like Erin about the class about her own issues What does it even have to do with the pool manager? Exactly He has no control over that he or she has no control over that And Lorraine is like I love this class I think Erin is really good like Pearl is my enemy She's like do I need to get involved here?

I mean I wouldn't get involved You wouldn't you would just let Pearl say her piece I would let Pearl tie herself up She just wants someone to complain to just let her do it Yeah no I'm not getting involved in that Lorraine is like I had gotten my hopes up that Pearl wouldn't be here And now Pearl is here so my tolerance for her is zero so I am getting involved And she responds and is like that isn't like what Pearl is saying is not true right like there are no problems with the water aerobics class

It's great we all love it Pearl is the problem and so they're like quipping back and forth fighting in front of the community center I don't like that Now everyone is getting involved right the lap swimmers who are still outside are yelling they're like it is the water aerobics that are the problem No They're like these ladies are always causing problems they're always trying to police how we swim So Lorraine has to like pivot and is like defending aqua fitness really hard against the lap swimmers right But Pearl is still like complaining about the water aerobics and so it's like Pearl keeps messing around there's going to be no water aerobics for anybody

That's exactly what Lorraine thinks and so she's like trying to fight fight fight fight fight fight right Oh I'm so stressed for Lorraine all she wanted was to do a little exercise and get some people's gossip That's all she was I know Don't ruin this for Lorraine And she deserves it This brings her joy

Everyone's yelling also like it's like 6am right like it is not a time to be yelling No That manager is barely awake The pool manager is like is finally like I have had enough of this I am not a judge. This is not a court of law. I am not presiding over this problem He's like Aaron it does seem like some of your students have complaints so like take that into account if you wish And Aaron is like I have been taking a lot of things into account that do not seem like my job I am doing the lifeguards job. I am doing your job

Aaron is like fuck it. I quit Good for Aaron. Like don't come back. It's okay. It's alright. But now there's no more no more exercise Yeah, Lorraine is like no Because she loves water aerobics and she loves Aaron and she loves the community center Ooh, could Lorraine teach it? Maybe what she hates most is that the lap swimmers are like happy right because they're like oh great water aerobics is gone now They're not even good swimmers. They're flapping Yes and now Pearl is yelling more because this is not what she wanted right this was not the end result she was hoping for

What did she think the end result was going to be? You go and you complain and you knock them down until she's making like 9 bucks an hour max And you're out here just bullying Pearl So now Pearl pivots right she's trying to like stave water aerobics so she's yelling and she's like you all hate old women You let teenagers take photos of us you side with pervs you cancel our beautiful class Pearl And the pool manager throws Pearl out of the pool like he's a major league baseball up like he's like your band That should have been the first solution a couple of months ago It is pandemonium everyone is yelling everyone's running around it's six in the morning. It's chaos

All of this because another pool couldn't hire three teenagers and watch over a pool alright So now after a year and a half of having this beautiful water aerobics class Lorraine's class is canceled I'm sorry Lorraine But also her enemy is vanquished We're nearing we're like getting toward the end how do you feel I feel like Lorraine needed Pearl Oh I think she kept she kept it spicy

I'm like you need something to keep you busy I've learned hanging around I'm a person who hangs around a lot of old people You need need something to keep it spicy and Pearl Maybe a pain in the ass But she kept Lorraine on her toes But now that like this has gone away Like what's what's going to replace that year and a half of you know Contentment at 6 a.m. Even like the little lap swimmer jerks that like gives her something to talk about at dinner

Like she loves it she loves it so I mean Pearl Pearl got a little too big for bridges Mm-hmm Whereas Lorraine knew to you know Stanley What do you think Lorraine should do I mean I think Lorraine should like convince the manager to let her be an instructor Oh Like it makes her happy she and a year and a half of doing this like consistently

I feel like she's got a rhythm for it It would allow her to boss Pearl around Mm-hmm And tell the swimmer that people to back the heck off Mm-hmm I think all of these would and it would give her something to like look forward to every day Yeah I feel like all that would do well for Lorraine if I could run her life

Lorraine's first plan of action is like I'm gonna try and get Erin back Nice So she goes and is like why are you leaving what are you doing how can I convince you to stay And Erin is like you cannot no more water aerobics for me no more water Erin's like I'm gonna move somewhere where no water exists I'm not doing this shit anymore Respect the millennial hard no Yes So then Lorraine does kind of do your idea she's like well you know I've been taking this class for a year and a half

I know how to do it Okay Like probably we can just show up at the same time and we'll do the things that I know how to do and it'll be fine Like we know the rhythm of the class Right on okay So she does it but like it's not the same and she doesn't have like the skills to help people accommodate their like injuries That's true And so after like a few classes people stop coming in the morning

Oh no Lorraine it has nothing to do with you Lorraine It says it was beyond your control it's not like it's okay It's not you it's them It's them they don't appreciate what you are bringing to the table They don't you're right But so Lorraine is like this sucks like my class is gone but she's also like other classes exist right She's like I can find a new place with new drama she's like my knee is kind of healed So she tries Zumba but the music in Zumba is too loud and so she can't get any gossip

She tries pickleball Oh no But there are only three people on the court and people are very into pickleball and so she's like this is too sporty She tries badminton same problem That's just pickleball with a different net That's true that's exactly correct Do you have any other ideas for her? In Florida?

Sure Or wherever I mean it has to be like a physical activity Well she needs a way to get gossip and she wants to like keep strengthening her knee She likes having this little active thing that she's doing I would say spin but spin is evil I got real mean to myself when I was doing spin Yeah that sounds right Yeah I don't know what could be a physical activity that she could do for her knee

That is very like low stress and would allow her to eavesdrop Yes I don't know like botchy ball I don't know Oh I like that answer Lorraine is like every day whining to her daughter on the phone about this right She's like none of these little like activities that I'm trying are scratching the gossipy itch that exists in my brain Okay So she decides to swim laps

Lorraine I guess if you can't beat them join them You sound so sad That's such a defeatist thing to do Lorraine to swim the laps Lorraine is like the lap swimmers are messy Alright I mean true She learns about scuba fin man has a like ex-wife she learns all about that Lorraine

She learns that like a bunch of the lap swimmers are swingers She's like ooh drama She even went on a date with the Michael Phelps Speedo man though it was not a good date Lorraine I respect her and I respect her choices The gossip in the lanes is great and you know ten years later Lorraine is still swimming I love that for her Yeah we are at the very end of our drama who's side of you on

Always Lorraine Always Lorraine Lorraine hurt nobody she was just like She just wanted to strengthen her knee and eavesdrop And tell her daughter when she got home like that's all she wanted Let her have what she wants And now she's going strong and no more pearl I assume so I mean No more pearl

It was always Lorraine It's always Lorraine Yeah It's beautiful Parker thank you so much for coming on Normal Gossip this was a delight I had a great time Thank you for having me thank you Can I tell you I'm immediately after this because my mom called me mid-interview I'm going to call her and tell her this whole story

That's the point There you go I'm going to share this gossip about Lorraine She's going to love it I hope she's on Lorraine's side too Always Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip If you have a gossip story to share with us Email us at NormalGossip at defector.com

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