Normal Gossip - Rich Mom Razzle Dazzle with Maitreyi Anantharaman

Episode Date: November 29, 2023

Our Defector colleague Maitreyi Anantharaman joins us for a story about private school moms taking a theater performance — and "urban dance" classes — too seriously. Follow Maitreyi on Twitter @maitreyiaa. Support Radiotopia's fall fundraiser! You can support Normal Gossip directly by buying merch or becoming a Friend or a Friend-of-Friend at supportnormalgossip.com. Our merch shop is run by Dan McQuade. You can also find all kinds of info about us and how to submit gossip on our Komi page: https://normalgossip.komi.io/ Episode transcript here. Follow the show on Instagram @normalgossip, and if you have gossip, email us at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at 26-79-GOSSIP. Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney (@mckinneykelsey) and produced by Alex Sujong Laughlin (@alexlaughs). Jae Towle Vieira (@jaetowlevieira) is our associate producer. Abigail Segel (@AbigailSegel) is our intern. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Credits read by Elizabeth Schmidt. Show art by Tara Jacoby. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia.

Hey there, it's Alexey Zhang Laughlin, and Kelsey McKenny from Normal Gossip. Thank you so much to everyone who's already donated to Radio Topia's Fall Fundraiser. If you haven't donated to the network before, you might wonder, where exactly do my dollars go? The short answer is your donation goes to Normal Gossip and all the shows in our network,

so we can keep making the shows that you love listening to. The podcasts that are a part of Radio topia are independent and listener supported, meaning we all retain full ownership of our stuff and get to make the creative and business choices that are right for us. The longer answer is that it takes nine weeks to produce a normal gossip episode from beginning to end. Nine weeks. And guess what? We have shortened that. For each episode, we have to read through gossip submissions, pick a story and analyze it, write the script, choose a guest, record the story, and then edit it all the way through.

Radiotopia makes it possible for us to make this show exactly the way we want to, with every weird sound effect, special recorder orchestra, and all the deranged bits. Truly, the best part is that radio topia trust creators so much that we don't even have to send them cuts of episodes before we publish. It's wild. Your donations make all of this possible. Head to radiotopia.fm-donate to make a tax deductible contribution and support our work. And when you do, you'll receive a special curated playlist from radiotopia that we put together

just for you. Visit radiotopia.fm slash donate to learn more. We'll also have the link in the description of this episode and the link in our bio on Instagram. Thank you so much. Woo! Hello, and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney, and did each episode of this podcast we're going to bring you an anonymous

parcel of gossip from the real world. I am thrilled to have with me today my co-worker, my three-anothera-man. Let's go! Let's fucking go. Let's go. Would you say that we're back? We're so back. We're so back.

Though honestly, I don't know if it was ever over. Oh, wow. That's so true. Let me introduce you so these people know who you are. My three is a staff writer and defector where she covers women's basketball and lots of other sports. She lives in Detroit.

My three, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. I'm so glad you're here. Let me ask you a question that I didn't prepare you for. I'm sorry, but which sport do you think is gossipiest? I'm gonna go with baseball because I feel like there's a lot of downtime where you're just sitting there like all those guys standing in the dugout,

what do they have to do except talk? Do you think the Detroit Tigers gossip? I do not think the Detroit Tigers gossip. I don't really think they're like observant enough to gossip. Do you ever watch those mic-debt videos of players? Yeah, they're never saying anything interesting. You're right because they're like,

what are you thinking? And the outfielders like, I'm thinking about whether he's going to hit the ball or not. And you're like, they don't quite have the rich in our lives. We would like them to. I heard that you brought a little gossip story for us. Is that true? I did bring you some gossip. You can't have some gossip as a treat. Oh my god, as a little treat. Thank you. A little treat. This gossip involves a relative of a relative. And when I say that, I'm not quite doing the little cutesy, anonymizing thing you do here, because I truly do not know who they are.

Well, I've had a brief interaction as you will hear. But I don't actually know their name or how I'm related to them. Okay. Yeah, possibly this is like a South Asian American thing where you have all this extended family whose connection to you. You can't quite ascertain or it's like all explained it's in very complicated way. Maybe all people with big families have this. I don't know.

Anyway, so in the course of visiting family whose names I do know, I end up in a group of people who are going to drop this guy who is somehow related to me off at the airport. I used to fly back home after a long visit. It's an international flight. So we're out the airport. I'm not really paying attention too much because I don't know who he is again. Uh-huh. He's like at his, at the, you know, counter thingy. I see he's kind of like fuczing with the suitcase or having some conversation with the counter agent person there. Um, anyway, that seems to get resolved. I don't know what's going on.

I'm just like, people watching, eavesdropping, looking at the departure, arrivals boards, just vibing. Anyway, we say we bid farewell to this guy, and then we were all the way. Oh, yes, farewell, a guy I do not know. And then we are on our way home from the airport. And relative, I do know, on our way home, we're like, ah, that's so tough. Guy, we just know, on the way home, we're like,

ah, that's so tough, you know, guy, we just dropped off of the airport, had to like pay extra, check an extra bag because, you know, of the giant tub of protein powder, he couldn't fit everything and I'm like, ah, excuse me? I do not know of the giant tub of protein powder. I'm afraid I'm unfamiliar with this tub of protein powder. I'm afraid I'm unfamiliar with this tub of protein powder. And so now I'm told

the story of the giant tub of protein powder. And it is this. A guy we just dropped at your port has this friend back home. That's not like a euphemism for him. It's an actual separate person. An actual person. Okay, got it. And this friend has recently met a woman online and it's getting pretty serious. They've like maybe video chatted a few times. And now they're getting ready to like meet a person soon and like to kind of take it to the next level. Terrifying. Absolutely.

Terrifying, sure. The only issue is this friend when he was creating his online dating profile made some digital enhancements let's say namely he has Photoshopped like abs onto his body and so now he has to go meet this sweet lady this unsuspecting woman and he's like, oh shoot, now I have to develop a six pack. And so I gather about his plan is to like consume this top-the-line protein powder. He has asked his friend to bring back home to him. And then, I don't know, step three profit, profit, and so I don't know how it ended up going. I wish them the best of luck, though I don't actually know that the outcome, the best outcome is the same for both of them.

I think like worst case, you walk into that meeting and you're like, I've got some good news, I've got some good news. The bad news, I do not have a sticks pack, but the good news, and maybe we'll find this quality more attractive. I have really good photo editing skills. Hahaha. Hahaha.

I like, I also think that this is funny because of the premise that just eating a lot of protein powder is like giving us food back. Yeah, just like dry scooping a bunch of protein powder into which is by the scoop back. Yeah, just like dry scooping, a bunch of protein powder into your body is gonna give you muscle mass. Like that's incredible, and I wish that were true. There's a kind of like showing up and being like,

listen, I don't have the abs, but I am trying. And so maybe in four months, I will have them. That is like kind of adm admirable and I like it. Yeah. And you know, people are always saying like, my partner takes terrible pictures of me. Like, this seems like someone who's really going to want to capture you in a flattering light. Right?

You're right. You're right. It's a huge pro to be like, you can take photos of you, but then can you like, you can really have photos. Yeah. Which would you really have to? Someone with abs or someone who's gonna like make your grid look like fantastic? Grid.

A hundred percent grid. Abs don't last forever. Grid editing skills are forever. Okay. Would you like to hear the gossip that I have prepared for you? Yes, I hope there's no protein powder involved in it. There is no protein powder, thank God. Wow.

That's the Kelsey guarantee. Today's story takes place like a little bit before your time. The year is 2006. Do you remember 2006? I do remember 2006. I'm not like 12 years old, actually. What? Tell me what you remember about 2006. When was 2006?

I guess I was, it was eight years remember about 2006. When was 2006? I guess I was, it was eight years old in 2006. So I really don't remember much. I was, I think I was like in third grade maybe. That was pretty sick. That was probably one of my favorite grades. Wow. Yeah.

What about multiplication? Oh yeah, doing math. I remember third grade. I made this like really, I'm saying I and it was like entirely my mother made this really sick poster board about giraffes. And she made it so that like the neck of a giraffe was like coming off the poster board.

What the fuck? Yeah, truly a top mom project. Wow, she's an artist. If you're asking me what I remember about, like, culture or events in 2006, very little. You know what? This is a story about mom projects. So thank you for doing that transition for me. Since you don't remember a lot of the culture,

I will give you some context. This is like a couple years after Mean Girls came out. It's Tina Fey's last season on Saturday Night Live. It's like Britney Spears, Sierra, hours. Let's Tina Fey's last season on Saturday Night Live. It's like Britney Spears, Sierra, hours. Let's go. People are still wearing juicy couture, but we're like one year before gossip girl comes out. I see. Okay. That was great scene setting. Thank you. Our friend of a friend today, we're going to call her Carla. Carla's in her like mid late 20s and she's just moved to the middle of the country.

She moved because her fiance lives there, but that's literally not important to our story and we're gonna forget it immediately. She's a teacher. She was a teacher at a private school out west. So she's like looking for a comparable job in her new city. She finds a job at an all girls private school. It's like a big kind of campus, right? Like one of

those schools that has like its own fancy grass and its own drive-through. In grounds or something? They have grounds. Is it like one of the schools that's called like the proper name school or something? Yes. Yes. This school is like very big and elite. We are going to call it St. Agatha's of Misery for our purposes. And at St. Agatha's of Misery is where Carla becomes Miss Carla. Do you know anything about private schools? I did not go to private schools now. Yeah, me neither.

But I have done some research and so I can tell you that this one was very exclusive. There's a long test like multiple days that you have to take to get in. They have to wear a uniform so it's like think lady bird like everyone's wearing like a plaid skirt and a white shirt. Nice. I do. I do kind of dig the look. Yeah. Miss Carly's first semester goes okay. Her colleagues are nice. The girls are like super smart but like a little difficult interpersonally. but like a little difficult interpersonally. From the girls' accessories, she can tell that they are like rich, rich.

They have like, ugboots. They have that like Tiffany necklace that had the like little heart and the little like lock thing on it. Oh yeah. Now are in business. They drive brand new hummers. They have perfectly clear skin even though they're 15 years old.

Miss Carla's like, I like this job fine, I'm working a normal amount. The biggest problem is the parents. The parents will get you. And these parents are always emailing her. Like, how is my daughter doing? What does my daughter need to do for class? Like, does my daughter need help and math? And so by the holiday break, Ms. Carla is like, thank God

that I did not have to deal with any of these people for a whole month. She gets her whole month off, her girls go skiing, like in the Alps or something. And after the holiday break, she feels renewed. She's like, okay, here we go, new semester, everything's gonna be fine. Okay, the teachers gather for meeting the first week back

from holiday break because the principal is like there are lots of things happening in the spring. We've got graduation, we have girls switching grades, we have end of year awards, we have sports, we have prom. And the teachers are expected to like sign up for one of these things to help with it. Oh, they got a shopper-owned stuff. One of my best friends is a teacher. Okay. And I was going to go visit her and she was like, do you want to come shopper-owned prom with

me? And I was like, that is not no. Really a thing I would like to do, but good luck shopper-owned prom. Shopper-owned prom is just like asking people to stand three inches further apart. Right? It's right investigating the punch to people actually like spike punchers that a sitcom thing and I feel like it's a sitcom thing I feel like most of what working a promise is just like trying not to make eye contact with your students while they grind the first one of these duties that comes up in this meeting is

called the celebration performance. Okay, that sounds like a private school kind of thing. Would you like to guess what this is? Do they do a performance? Are the people, are the kids performing something? Someone is going to do a performance for sure. Miss Carla doesn't know who. Everyone at this teacher meeting is immediately like, oh my God, Ms. Carla should do that.

She's like me, why? And the other teachers are like, you're new. Like, it would give you an opportunity to meet the parents. Like, it would be really fun for you. A few of the teachers are like, I don't know, like, should we let Ms. Carla do the celebration performance? Like, it's kind of an honor.

They're like, are they trying to reverse psychology hers? So now she's like, wait, hey, I will definitely, I could definitely capable of doing the celebration performance. Yes, and it works. There's a very smart teachers. The teachers are like, it's the 25th anniversary, like, it's gonna be a lot of work.

I don't know if you want to do it. She's like, how dare you. Oh, it's your celebration performance. She's literally like, I will't know if you want to do it. She's like, how dare you. She's literally like, I will run the best celebration performance ever, like, whatever I'll do it. And the other teachers are like, okay, like, we'll let you. Are you sure you want to do it? What do you think? Do you think she should do this? I think she's going to do it. I don't think she should do it. Why? I don't really think you should volunteer for lots of work.

Mm-hmm. Ms. Carla is like, well, they're saying it's an honor. I have to sign up for something. She's like, yeah, I'll do it. And as soon as she's agreed, they decide to tell her what she's signed up for. Oh, yeah. She should also have asked maybe what exactly she was signing up for. Mm-hmm. Maybe one or two questions.

That's maybe a lesson for next time. A tip for next time, Carla, is maybe don't sign up for stuff before you know what it is. What she has signed up to lead is a special, say, Agatha of Misery tradition, where the mothers of the seniors write and perform a variety show to celebrate their daughter. Oh Carla. Oh Carla. I will now give you a little bit of a history of this program. Please feel free to weigh in with judgments. This began in the 80s as quote a little treat for moms. Of course. Moms are always looking for treats, aren't they?

They love treats. And this was a treat to like celebrate their daughters getting into college. Oh, okay. So it's like you got your daughter into college. She didn't get pregnant. She has really shiny hair. You succeed it.

And so naturally you must do a performance together. Shout out to my mom for just doing my third grade giraffe project and not really getting involved beyond that. That seems like a nice use of her ambition in resources, unlike this, which is like a way for rich people to feel creative. Right. They're always looking for that. The first show in the 80s was just a very cute little sketch about the girls in the grade. But this is the kind of school that has a bunch of returning alumni. And so each year has been the stakes have raised.

A show in the 90s got written up in the city paper. And after that, it was the wheels fucking fell off. Mom began hiring off Broadway producers who had like won an independent sport award to try and hold them. Once all the moms re-enacted, like most of Ghostbusters, with a whole song and dance. Okay, I kind of want to watch that. Last year the best sketch they did was a play on Rint. One of the moms hired a Golden Globe wedding costume designer

to make the costumes. Oh, well, couldn't, couldn't get a real award winner to design a Golden Globe. Okay. Golden Globe. Okay. Like, not an Oscar. Talks me with Denime. Talks me. Yeah. So this is what Miss Carla has inadvertently agreed to. It's 2006. This is the 25th show. This is like the heyday of white people rapping. That's not good. Okay. Yeah. It's like Natalie Portman on SNL doing that Harvard sketch. It's like the Andy Sandberg cinematic universe that's that it's full peak. And after she has agreed to this, the other teachers tell her that the parent show has had 10 faculty advisors in the last 10 years. That's not good.

It's like kind of cursed then, right? It seems a little cursed. And they're like, but Ms. Carla, you're gonna do such a good job and it's such an honor. So it's not really the case that they need a new volunteer every year. It's just that everyone's been quitting after one year. Yes.

Okay, exactly. And then she's's been quitting after one year. Yes. Okay. Exactly. And then she's told like two things to make her feel better. The first is the performance isn't till May. So you have tons of time to prepare. The second is that the performance is for charity. How do you feel?

Why is that part supposed to make her feel better? I don't know. I think because it has a purpose other than the mom's egos. Interesting. What's the charity? Good question. Ms. Carla is not told. All right, mystery cause. I don't know why I feel about that. Ms. Carla is assigned to this, this like whole show at the staff meeting on January 7th. On January 8th, she receives an email. I will now read it. Subject line. St. Agatha's of Misery Variety Show 25th Anniversary Edition exclamation point.

Ooh. CC'd 70 to email addresses. Is that all moms? It is all moms. Oh, that's so many people. Yes. Here is the body. Hello, fightin' bells, moms. Fightin' bells.

The mascot. What are the sports of this school looking like? I would guess, like, field hockey. Oh yeah, it looks like a basketball. Field hockey. Yeah, like that vibe. Okay, here's the body. The time has come to begin our plans for the variety show. Our big day is only four months away. And we want this long standing tradition to continue as a heartwarming and exciting event. This is the most intense experience you will ever have as a mother at St. Agatha's of misery.

Wow, okay. But don't worry, exclamation point, we will support each other. I don't think, okay, that sense in, I don't know if I like, because it could be read as intense good and then there's like the butt appended to it. Right?

Yes, but you'll survive. You'll Like, yes. But you'll survive. You'll live. Hopefully. You'll live. Next paragraph. All moms are expected to participate. It's mandatory for moms. It is mandatory for moms.

Interesting. The goal is to have lots of fun in all caps while raising money for a good cause. Everyone please say hello to our new faculty advisor, Ms. Carla. I'll let her take it from here. It is said, thanks, Ava Jean. Ava Jean. Ava Jean is a mom.

She's a mom. All right. You are Ms. Carla. You have received this email a single day after being assigned this celebration performance, what do you want to do with it? I think my style would kind of just be like, alright you get it ladies, have fun! Good luck, let me know if you need anything!

That is kind of what Carla is planning to do. Okay. Because you know you don't want too many cougs in the kitchen, right? You don't want, so there are 72 moms receiving females plus Aiba Jean. That's 73. I don't know if we need a 74th cook in the kitchen. So yeah, I think I'm just gonna go with the good luck.

If you need me to book you the gymnasium, to practice or whatever, the Ed's at private school, they probably have a special rehearsal or something. And then I'm just gonna sit back in the front row except my flowers when they present them to me out of the performance and just be like,

okay, have fun. Enjoy your intense experience. Yes. Ms. Karla gets this email at 10 a.m. during her first off period. She ignores it because she's like one. Wow. She's just like me for real. emails. Same. She's like, one, it's January. This performance is not until May. I am not dealing with this right now, two, I have to teach classes. I do not have time for this.

Six hours later, at 4 p.m., she receives another email. Subject line, five question marks. It is from Ava Jean. No, Ava Jean. Here's what it says. Hi Miss Carla, exclamation point. Wow, she hates her so much.

I can just tell. Why? Hi exclamation point. That's something you only send to someone if you hate them. I love that. I think that that's kind of true. Okay, hi Miss Carla. I know you're new here, but this production is very important.

All right, she hates her so much. No. I know you're new here. It's necessary in italics that you respond to emails within a few hours of receiving them so that all the moms know that you're taking mysteriously. Oh, anytime you're using italics. Yeah, and all caps.

Not an email you want to receive. No. Next line. I know it's your first year, so maybe the standards weren't communicated to you. Question mark. The next step on your end would be to schedule a meeting for this week. Thank you, Ava Jean. Okay, so I like that I'm just told exactly what I have to do in that email.

Yeah, schedule a meeting. All right, I guess I'm glad I have one action item, but I do not like the rest of that email. Okay, like how would you do that action item? Um, I guess it's 2006. I don't know what the the G-Cal situation is. Mm-hmm. But I'll book us a room. Where do you fit 73 people? Yes. Outside. This is exactly Miss Carly's problem. She's like 74 people, is too many people. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want them all in one room. Like that's my nightmare. She's also like, I am not responding to this massive aggressive email from AvaG. Like, no. Good for her! She responds to the original email, which everyone is cc'd on. And it's like, hello, sorry for the delay. I was like really busy

teaching your daughters before all of us get together, which seems like it's gonna be a little chaotic. I was hoping that we could have a small group meeting with just like a couple of leaders to figure out what the method might be. I like that. See, this is why she's a teacher and I'm just like a blogger.

A blogger, yeah. She's got a very good way of organizing large groups. So she is like, well, meet on Thursday, you can come to my office, no more than four of you. So just let me know who's gonna be the leaders of this group. Okay, so that seems like maybe giving them a little too much freedom to kind of freak out and like who's gonna be the leader or something.

I think she should have just... I'm just gonna say randomly selected them, but I have to imagine there are a few moms who are like, not as enthusiastic about this. I don't know. She watches them go back and forth in emails for like days. Oh, okay. That's actually a good stalling tactic. Like, go figure that out.

Check it with speed luck. Good luck. Finally, they responded there like, OK, we've elected three leaders. Odette, Polar, and Avajee. Avajee. Ms. Karla has no context for these women. So she's like, my first step is I'll figure out

what's up with their daughters. So she figures out what's up with their daughters, and they're all good students polite, not a lot to learn from that. She's like, but that doesn't mean that their moms are the same. And they're coming to her office for a meeting. Would you do any recon to figure out who these women are? Or are you going in blind? Yeah, I don't know. I think I'm just going to kind of go in blind because that is a lot of extra work on my end. And I've got this job teaching, right? So...

Yeah. Miss Carla is like, this is a small school. I will simply seek information from a veteran teacher. Teacher Gossip is quite something. When I did eventually go visit my friend and we did not shop our own prom together. I went to her like teacher at trivia. And the volume of G I was I was pretty taken aback by by how much it got. It made me like rethink my own life as a student because

you know. So it's sent me this email all about like did I miss anything like uh yeah like yeah you obviously missed something. What do you do today? Like, oh my God, I can really send that email all my life. And I was just like sitting there quietly, listening to the message, being like, oh God, searching for a new email, a apologetic email that everyone have ever been a student of. But I think that's a good idea to consult other teachers

to see what you can find. Yeah, so she goes and gets information. I will now tell you what information she receives. What she learned about Ava Jean is that she went to Harvard, worked at the lampoon. Oh, why are you making that sound? She's one of those Harvard lampoon types. Exciting, all right.

Yeah, she's a writer. I don't know. I mean, I feel like they all just end up on writing in the Simpsons writing room or something like that. Yeah. She married a hedge fund guy out of college, so she isn't like new money. That's the way to do it.

Mary rich. The next mom she learns about is Odette. She's an executive at a marketing firm. She has long hair that's like dark is the night. She has lots of family, mummy. We have such a range of wealth. I know, little milk. Everyone rich, but in different ways.

It's nice, diversity matters. Right? Yes. And her mom led the first ever one of these. So she's invested. She's really invested in this, in the legacy of the, what is it called, celebration performance?

Sure. I was, those words, I don't remember the word. It's close enough, yeah. The third mom is named Polar, and she is like a corporate executive at a big like accounting firm. She's best friends with her dad and is like an uptight Cheryl Sandberg type. Oh, she's leaning in. She's leaning into this performance and she's also leaning into always wearing monocrobed. She's also told by the other teacher that all three of these women are like very big donors to the school and should be kept happy.

Oh, okay. They all arrive at her classroom 10 more time. For more time. For more time. For more time. For more time. For more time. For more time. For more time. For more time.

For more time. For more time. For more time. For more time. For more time. For more time. For more time. For more time.

For more time. For more time. For more time. For more time. For more time. For more time. For more time. For more time. For more time. They should print it out scripts. Collages they've made. They are all so happy to have an advance. Are they really thinking about this? I guess the whole time their kids are in school, right?

They're like, gearing up for the, so they've had like, is this yours? What is this like K through 12 situation? Okay, wow. They've had plenty of time. And it rapidly becomes clear to Miss Carla that all three of these women want to write the show How do you figure out which one should? Well, I think have they already written their own things

I think I'm just trying to buy more time away from them by being like I want you to be each write something and then I will choose one. I love that. Miss Carla is like, what if you just each wrote a third of it? Okay, yeah, divide it. I don't know how coherent the script is going to be. The women begin freaking out at this suggestion. They're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, there is always one head writer. Are you crazy? Like, there would be no continuous voice. We cannot share. They're like, no, no, to do it because I have like a great understanding of physical comedy. Okay.

I would ask her to demonstrate such understanding. Yeah, she's like, I understand how people function in space and how that can be funny. Interesting. Did she did? Did she enter the meeting in a crazy way like, framework like running into the door? Probably.

Okay. Ava Jean is like, I don't even understand why into the door. Probably. Okay. Ava Jean is like, I don't even understand why we're having this conversation. I am a professional writer. That's true. She does have a point there. Miss Carla is like, we're kind of at an impasse here. Does anyone have an argument for how we can resolve this? And Ava Jean is like, yeah, I think I should be allowed to do it.

I'm a professional writer. And also also I have more time than them. Like they are both corporate executives. Ava Gena's making points. She's making points. Oh, dad and Polar are like, okay, we should not be discriminated against because we have real jobs with offices. Like we shouldn't be penalized for being working mothers. True.

True, yeah, lean in. Lean in. AvaGee is like, I'm not trying to penalize you. I'm trying to keep you from being like completely overwhelmed. This meeting in total lasts two and a half hours. Right. And they haven't actually accomplished anything except planning. By the end of it, they agree that Ava Jean will be head brighter. All right. And that she will turn in her first script the first week of February, Ava Jean strapped arrives in Miss

Carla's inbox and it is very long. It is 150 pages in script format. 150? 150. What is the translation between a page of a script? You'll know this to someone who works with scripts. One page in a technical script should be approximately one minute. OK, so that's a lot of minutes. It is quite a lot of minutes. Is this thing usually that long?

No. Oh, okay. No, it is not. Ms. Carla reads it and she's like, oh my god, this is way too long. But she's also like, it is funny. Oh, okay. Like, it's a little funny.

Ava Jeeta's cooking. Ava Jeeta's cooking a little bit. And Ms. Carla is like, maybe we let her cook. Maybe we just see what happens. Oh, yeah. Because she's learning a lot of gossip here. She learns that Odette failed biology in high school and had to lie to get into college. Oh, there's a sort of grudge-based aspect to this script. Yes. Okay. There is a kind of like, if we can't make fun of ourselves, who can we make fun of? Five. Ms. Carly learns that Polar demands that all of her rugs

be scrubbed with a toothbrush. To get them clean? And she learns that like some other mother has had three nose jobs. So it's like a hundred, fifty minutes self-rosed, basically? Yes. Yes. She learns that someone once bought $20,000 worth of purses

just like by accident while drunk on vacation. And she's like talking myself into they should stage this full production of 150 minutes of it. Yes. And Ms. Carla is like I love learning that St. Agatha's of misery like used to be a cotton mill where 50 people died and is now haunted by the ghost of cotton past like. Okay. Sure. haunted by the ghost of cotton past. Like, sure. Who among us hasn't taught at a punted mill school?

Miss Carla emails Ava Jean back and is like, okay, this is really funny. Way too long, but good job. And Ava Jean's like, thank you so much. And Miss Carla is like, okay, I'm going gonna cut it down. What's the next step? And Ava Jean is like the next step is a full table read. E 74 person table read. Are you gonna do a pretty big table for that one? You're gonna need the biggest table of all time. A seat at the table for everyone. How are you feeling at this point?

I'm just joking getting emotional. Certainly. Really focused on the table logistics here. I think they're actually going to sit in an auditorium. So it's more like an auditorium read. Okay. Miss Carla makes a bunch of cuts. She gets the script down to 90 pages. That's a pretty good job. I find it very difficult to like cut things and so good for her because that's not really her job.

She's teaching. Yeah. She gathers all the moms together. They all get together. And it takes a while because all the moms are busy and have activities and doodle polls don't exist yet. So it just takes two weeks to get them all in one room. The only time they're all available is a Friday at 5 p.m. Everyone loves having meetings at that time. That's the meeting hour. She gets them all at the meeting hour

into a theater Friday at 5 p.m. to read through the script. They start reading and there's a scene like five pages in that Miss Carla did not understand. It's a sketch about receipts where one woman is like going around getting receipts from everyone else on stage and handing them off to someone who's going to play her husband. And for each one she looks at it and it's like, pedicure, that's a business expense. Dance lessons, business. And the receipts are supposed to be like really long,

like CVS receipts. So the idea is that the husband and the end would be holding like a huge bundle of giant receipts while people just continue to bring him more. That's a very striking image, kudos to Eva-Gine for coming up with that. And Carlos, I think this is kind of fun. I think it's funny.

Little physical humor even. Huge. Physical comedy. The moms do not think this is funny. Yes, it sort of seems like someone's being accused of frothy. Yes, it does sort of seem like someone's being accused of frothy. The moms are like, this is bad. This is rude. We hate this. All the jokes in this script are about us. And Ava Gena is like, well, if we can't laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at? And the moms are like, I don't wanna laugh at ourselves.

There, okay. After 20 pages, the moms are like rioting. They're like, we're not reading any more of this. Your Ms. Karlo, what do you do? Um, this is tricky because now it's February. I don't know that we have time for like a full rewrite. And also, Ms. Carla did think the script was good, right? Yeah, so she's like, no more meeting.

This is not productive, you're all yelling. She's like, I'm gonna share the script with all of you in a way that allows you to like make comments on it. I say we can we can kind of mark it up. Everyone can do their like, you know, line item vetoes. I don't know that they're gonna be any lines left after the veto. Yeah. She asks Avajean like, are you okay with this idea? And Avajean's's like of course I'm okay with being edited I'm a writer all the mom scatter They go home Miss Carly sends out the script Then she begins getting emails

You know these emails they're like Odette has commented on mom sketch script v2 in Google Docs Oh god, okay, she's getting hundreds and hundreds of emails, about hundreds of comments. When someone calls her phone from an unknown number, do you answer it? No, but I just never answer my phone. I think isn't that a zoomer thing that people just don't answer their phones?

Just not answering them? Yeah. Maybe if I were a teacher in charge of a project with 73 women, I would be like, maybe I'm expecting a phone call though. Yeah. Carly's like, I assume this is some mom. So she answers it and it's Ava Jean.

And Ava Jean is upset. Oh, because people are tearing her precious baby into shreds, okay. Yes. She's like, my work is being torn to shreds. Like, I'm a writer. I have a process like, I don't like this. And Carlos, like, you said you were fine being edited.

Everyone says they're being fine as it is. I told you. I told you edit comes in. And then you cry. Yeah, that's right. The writer's place is being like, yeah, I'm fine with it. And then being like, my feelings are hurt. So Ava Jean is like, you're right, you're right, you're right. I can be brave. And Carla's like, great. Do the edits. So, Ava Jean goes and she does the edits.

At the beginning of March, she returns with a new draft. The tenor of the edits broadly were two personal. We don't like these jokes and we want it to be fun for us to do. These things don't seem fun to do. So Avajean totally rewrote the script and now instead of sketches it's a full musical with costumes. Okay, wow. And the musical with the costumes is very, is a very, very loose parody of Step Up. It's interesting that something goes through and edit and then becomes more elaborate. Yeah, it's rare, but it does happen. Ava Jean made it happen.

Okay. Ava Jean made it happen. She sends the strapped around like before they meet up. To be like, let's just go ahead and get any big comments out of the way before we're all together. The moms love this. They're like, I wanna dance, I wanna say. I've been taking voice lessons.

A group of them decide like in the email replies to sign up for something called urban dance class. Hmm. What do you think about this? I don't like the phrase urban when you've domestically applied, but okay. Uh-huh, uh-huh, yes. Carla is like this train of this like performance script

has somehow derailed onto another track that is like on fire and headed for a ravine. She's like, I hate this. She reads the script and it is atrocious. It has the moms like calling each other bro. It has the moms like dressing in drag so there can still be a straight love story which like could be fine,

except that the lines are so bad. And it has nothing to do with the school or their daughters. What do you wanna do here? I think I think Carla should probably intervene how? I don't know, that's up to Carla. She can figure that out, but it's not like in right here. Everyone's gonna, maybe she can be like, we're all gonna get canceled, so I think you should think of your reputation. She like basically tries to do that.

Like at the meeting where they all get together to do the table read of the step up script, she's like, I need to say something. Like just so that we're all aware that like potential criticism could come for this. Like I don't think this really works with the culture of the school. Okay. And the moms are like, what? And Carlos, like I just feel like it's a little at odds with the population of the school.

Like St. Agatha's of Missouri is an elite private school and the musical in this play is an inner city public school for dance. Immediately, the moms are like, that censorship, we're being censored. Whoa! They're actually accusing her of being the woke mob basically. Immediately the moms are like that censorship. We're being censored. Whoa They're actually accusing her of like being the woke mob basically. Yeah, they're like you're the woke mob You're trying to keep us from doing our beautiful step-up rendition. Why? And Carla's like ma'am's I am not trying to censor you like this is just a bad script

But like you cannot let them do this show, right? Or you can let them do it. She cannot. She cannot. Carla, like very delicately, is like, I don't think this is gonna work on its own. Like I think it needs more work. Some moms are mad because they're like, we are running out of time.

It's March. We only have two months. We need to have costumes made. And so Carla is like, does anyone have any ideas for like potential solutions here? At this point, both Adet and Polar stand up. And they are both separately, like, I've written a script and actually it's totally done.

Oh, of course they have. They knew. Well, they had one in the meeting. They wanted the right one. All the moms begin talking at once. It is chaos. Like, some people are defending Ava Jean. Some people are asking to read Odeuts. Some people are like, we want Polars.

She understands physical comedy. These moms are their physical comedy. Ava Jean looks like she's going to cry. And Carla is like, she just can't stop thinking about the fact that they all need to be kept happy. Like they're all donors. So she's like, the most likely thing I can accomplish here is that none of them are happy,

but none of them are super mad. Like if I can just get them to all be mildly dissatisfied, that would be a win. True, true. So she's like, we'll just combine them. My instinct was the other way around. Like, just make three groups and figure it out yourselves. No.

Carlos, like the three of you go away for two weeks, combine them, and then whatever you end up with is the script. She's sending them off on a little writer's retreat. Mm-hmm. That's cute. Do you think it's a good idea to combine these scripts? Um, and again, I worry about the coherence of the project, but I think at this point, I just want it over with.

Yes. You are right. The problem is that there is zero coherence in the script when it is returned. What they decide on is that it's going to alternate scripts like every scene. So it's like one third pullars like Andy Sandberg as physical comedy absurdist sketches like moms wearing giant inflatable floaties and like running into each other. One third Odets like serious play vibes with like Shakespeare-esque costumes monologues and harsh lights. And one third

Ava Jean's quote unquote urban dance step up parody. Okay, so maybe they can sort of sell it as an abstract kind of experimental thing. It's like avant-garde. I love the slapping of avant-garde label on this. Yeah, if you call anything avant-garde then like no one can ask questions about it. Because if you watch something avant garde, you just should be like, well, I'm just too stupid to understand it, but they must really know what's going on, right? I love this one.

Carla's like, whatever. Like, this is the script, go ahead. So they like, make this whole play, they get all the costumes, they make the backgrounds, they do all this shit. Carla is watching the dress rehearsal of this, and the vibe shifts are just so unexpected and so drastic that during the dress rehearsal, she's having to hold back laughter.

They're going from vagina monologues, Shakespeare, Garb monologue, under a spotlight, straight into a dance number with flat-built hats, and then directly from there into a sketch where two moms have to hold another one up in the air the whole time while she sings. See, again, this is like contemporary. It's tonal asymmetry, right? You could just, oh, right?

I love that. I love this like, like an artist statement that you're doing. Yeah, exactly. Like, is it deranged or is it brilliant? It's quietly brilliant, loudly brilliant. After Dress rehearsal, Ava Jean comes up to Carla and it's like clearly mad. And Carla's like, yeah, I mean, it sucks.

Like, that's fair. But that's like not what Ava Jean is mad about. Ava Jean is mad that she didn't get to be head brighter after they decided that she could be. And Carla is like, I do not have time for this. Like, I'm just gonna put your name in front of the head writer. 73 women who hate you. Yes, fight with the 73 women who hate you. I don't care.

When they perform the show, everything that could go wrong does go wrong. The music doesn't sync up. The choreography is messed up. In this sketch where the mom is held in the air, she is dropped while she's singing, and this gets a huge laugh from the audience. Physical comedy. Physical comedy, baby. After the show, Carla is like, I feel so relieved that this is over. I like it. It seems like we're possibly veering into like the producers type thing where it's like so bad that it's good and going to be well received. It is received in a way. I wouldn't say it's like positive.

Not well, all right. But I also wouldn't say it's extremely negative. Like their daughters are like, that's fascinating. That's why really did something. Carla does not care. She's like, I could not give a shit about this reception. Like, does that matter to me? At least it's over. A few days pass and she is called to the principal's office. Uh-oh.

She's like, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Are teachers also nervous about being called to the principal's office? Yeah, because that's your boss. Yeah, I guess I just shit, shit, shit. Our teachers also nervous about being called to the principal's office? Yeah, because that's your boss. Yeah, I guess I just didn't think about that. I just didn't know if it was more regular. I guess no one likes being called to the principal's office.

We can all get behind on that. She gets there and she's like, if I get fired over these damn moms and they're shenanigans, I'm gonna lose my mind. She shows up and she's like, what's up? Is everything okay? And the principal's like, what's up is everything okay? And the principal's like, yeah, everything's okay, but I need you to send me every single email you have

from this whole experience. Are you being sued? They sure are. Oh, no. Is like, am I in trouble? And the principal is like, you aren't. Oh, we're so back. We're so back.

She's like, who is in trouble? And the principal is like, well, it seems that Odette's husband might be in trouble. And Carla's like, what? Remember the sketch with the receipts? Was all of this attacks right off? Apparently Odette's husband was in fact running a tax scheme in reality where he did pay for all sorts of things

out of a fronted business for people in the school through a shell company. So all of Carla's emails, along with all of Ava Jean's scripts had to be sent to Discovery. Wow. I hope they were all flattering emails for Miss Carla because I feel like that is a fear of mine is obviously I would do nothing wrong But if like, you know someone I had interacted with ever did and then my like shit talking text came out came out That's a bad thing. I'm gonna come out again. Not that I ever say anything bad about anyone in any medium

or setting, but I guess for, you know, a person who did do that kind of thing, it wouldn't be great, right? Yeah. Carla is like, whatever, not my problem, like we're so back, it does not matter to me. On her way out, she jokingly to the principal is like, whatever, not my problem, like we're so back, it does not matter to me. On her way out, she jokingly to the principal is like, you know what, whatever, at least this is over, at least we raised the money for charity. And the principal is like, what? And Carla's like, didn't we do this

to raise money for charity? And the principal is like, oh, I mean, if you consider new microphones for the school charity, then sure. But the benefit is that like, because the school was like, oh shit, we didn't get sued, because we didn't air the like first edition of Ava Jean script. But we could have, and that's very scary. They cancel the music variety show forever.

Wow, that's good. She was the final person. Yes. So even the like two years later, Ava Jean's next daughter was a senior and Ava Jean was like, no, no, no, I want to write the play. I want to like reinstate it. I want redemption. Carla and the school were like, no. Oh, that's brutal for all the like ninth grade moms who have been like scheming for all these years. That's it's hard when you plan to write a performance-latch variety show in quote-unquote honor of your daughter's as a little treat

and then it gets taken away. Mom's just do giraffe projects. Just do just do the one-off giraffe projects, and then that's really all the satisfaction you need. One, I guess, kind of good update I have for you is that the thing about being really rich is that Odets has been just like settled the case out of court,

so everyone went on to be perfectly happy. All the girls went to college, Carlos stayed at the school for five more years, but refused to do any more extracurricular leadership. Great. I'm glad that no rich people suffered any consequences. Thank God. No, we wouldn't want that.

God-kind of world would at least have that ever happen. If people were held accountable for their actions, that's nuts. We are almost at the end. Who's cider you want? How do you feel? I think I've been on Carla's side as a friend of a as a friend of a teacher as a father school activities mother. I'm on Carlos. Do you want to hear my final update? I would like to hear your final update. So like six years after all of this, the daughters have graduated from college. Oh, Dez daughter daughter gets a text from Polar's daughter. And Polar's daughter is like,

dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, did you hear? And oh, Dez's daughter is like, hear what? And Polar's daughter sends her a link. The link is to a book that is self-published. It is titled, Savior of the Show. Okay. Let me read you the back of this book. At St. Augusta's of the Beating Heart.

Oh! We love a thinly veiled towel. Three mothers, toil, to try and create the best send-off gift for their daughters. Toil to try and create the best send-off gift for their daughters. A collaboration throws the project into ruin and only one mom can save the production from total destruction. She throws herself into her work, praying that she can make a show good enough to save the daughters of her rivals who are in danger of losing sight of their futures and to save herself. Has Evagine basically written fanfiction about herself?

It is written by Avajean. That's cute. That's cute. Her bio reads, Avajean is a writer. She wrote for the lampoon and lives in Anonymous City with her two children who are graduates of St. Agatha's Upbizary. It's interesting that she just dropped

the name of the school in there. She's interesting that she just dropped the name of the school in there. She's like, we're sort of anonymizing it, but not really actually. That's good. I would you as a author, a fiction, ever just like write a story like that where it was about like how awesome you are?

No. It's boarded. I kind of admire it. I like that you're taking her side that you're like, it's actually funny and good. Yeah, I'm slowly coming around to her. I guess I, I, I low key admire her a little bit. For being a chaos demon. For being a chaos demon.

And for just like, you know, some people, I'm not one of them, but like some people are just like very confident in themselves. And sometimes I, I look at people like that and I'm like, I wish I could be you Like I wish I could just like write a novel about how cool I am Instead of like hating everything about myself and so Maybe we do need maybe we do need to lean in a little bit and like wow and like Find the Ava gene within ourselves. Oh dad and Polar's daughters do not take out of this that they should lean in a little bit.

They are like, what does she mean save the daughters of her rivals who are in danger of losing sight of their futures? They're like, we do not need saving in high school. Like this is classic Ava Jean pretending that she knows everything in the world. If you were Odette and Polar's daughter, do you reach out to your old classmate Ava Jean pretending that she knows everything in the world. If you were a debt and pull our stutter, do you reach out to your old classmate Ava Jean stutter?

Well, first I buy the book. I mean, you're buying a book. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Maybe there's again, I would never do this. But if there was some sort of way to obtain it for free online, maybe that's an avenue I would pursue or it's self-published so I kind of doubt it's like in a library but that would be that would be a legal avenue for all us rules followers out there but I'm more if I were like in a book

even like a fictionalized version of myself I think I would definitely buy it, yes. Odena Polar's daughters do buy it. Let's go. And they read it. And then they text Ava Jean's daughter and are like, uh, what? Because they are like, this is just a book in which like, our mothers are barely portrayed, we are barely portrayed. This is just like a narrative to redeem AvaJee.

And they realize that the book ends with AvaJee's daughter. Like everyone else realizing that her mom is like brilliant and deserves to be listened to. And that AvaJee is a great mind. So they text AvaJee's daughter and are like, did you approve this? I feel like she probably didn't, you know? Like what's she gonna do about her mom?

Yeah, she's like, I didn't, but know? Like what's she gonna do about her mom? Yeah, she's like I didn't but like whatever, she's my mom. And Polaroid or dead stodders are like, but we didn't need saving. Like we were fine. And Eva Jean stodder is like all teens need saving. Hmm, okay. The villain of this book is a young teacher named Miss Darla who has a young teacher named Miss Darla, who has limp, Malsey hair, and no thoughts in for own. Wow, she kinda got Miss Carla's ass there. It didn't seem.

Do you send it? Do you tell Miss Carla? I do. Do you have Miss Carla's a teacher? Like you like her. I don't know, what do you want? I'm gonna be like, hey, someone wrote about you and said your hair sucks in this book.

I think that's like a discovery I like to maybe come across on my own and process like by myself. What if everyone else is reading it though and no one is telling you? Yeah, see, will you do a raise a good point there? No, I think I would just prefer to be ignorant. See, I don't like thinking about other people thinking about me perceiving me. And so I would like to just be completely ignorant to it. Leave me unperceived.

Correct. I think Ms. Carla's relationship to gossip should just be like, she does not find out about this book. Yes. Odette and Polar's daughters are like chaos mode. They email Miss Carla and they're like, hey, you should know about this. Wow. That's very like their moms of them, right? Just being like super proactive. Like, hey, just thought you should be aware Sometimes you do become your mother Miss Carla bought a copy of it and this is the final update I have for you is that she keeps it on her shelf As a reminder of why you don't do extracurricular

Do you have any final thoughts her feeling? No, I'm glad she took it better than I have. I would have been like, oh my God, my hair sucks, and then quit my job and just moved to the woods. Maybe thank you so much for coming on the show, it's a light to have you. Thank you. I'm like gonna go wash my hair now. Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. go like wash my hair now. Hahaha! Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at normalgossipatifector.com

or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679 gossip. If you love this podcast and want us to keep making it, become a friend or a friend of a friend at supportnormalgossip.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at At Normal Gossip. You can follow Kelsey on all social media at At McKinney Kelsey. This podcast was produced by Alex Sujong Laughlin. Justin Ellis is defectors project editor. Jasper Wang and Sean Coon are defectors business guys.

Tom Lay is our editor in chief. Jay Tolviera is our associate producer. Abigail Siegel is our intern. Dan McQuade runs our merch store, which you can find at normalgossip.store. Tara Jacoby designed our show art. Thank you to Jasper Wang for your help on this episode. Thanks to the rest of the Defactor staff.

Defactor Media is a collectively owned subscriber-based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney. I'm Elizabeth Schmitt, and remember, you did not hear this from me. you