Normal Gossip - S2 Ep10: Poledancing, book clubs, and gay men's chorus: Your niche gossip

Episode Date: August 24, 2022

We've been waiting for your niche gossip all season, and you delivered! Five stories of clubs, communities, and small towns, just for you. Content warning: We always say that no animals are harmed in our stories, but Alex was tired when she picked these and didn't realize that there are actually two harmed animals in these stories -- one dog who dies (off-screen) and one cat who dies. Please forgive, we will learn from our mistakes. We love animals! Episode transcript here. You can support Normal Gossip directly bybuying merch or becoming a Friend or a Friend-of-Friend at supportnormalgossip.com. Follow the show on Instagram @normalgossip, and if you have gossip, email us at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at 26-79-GOSSIP. Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney (@mckinneykelsey) and produced by Alex Sujong Laughlin (@alexlaughs). 

Alex, do you think that we should tell them our little secret? I think we should. Our secret is that we are going on tour this summer. Woo! We're going to be sharing a new gossip story with you all, but this time live on a stage. There will be special guests and glow sticks and games. It's going to be so messy. You can get tickets at normalgossiplive.com.

And bring your secrets. Because we're going to read them. Imagine this like grasshopper is like ratatouille on top of one of the guy's heads. He's like, come on, go kiss her. Kiss, kiss. Hello Gossip Monsters and welcome to the second bonus episode of Season 2. Today we are going to listen to your niche community gossip, which I have not heard, but I have been told is extremely good and wild.

Alex is here. Alex, say hello. Hello. Before we get into it and you tell me all about these gossips, I just want to do a really quick shout out for subscriptions. If you're, you know, missing us, telling yourself every Wednesday, oh my God, I wish I had more gossip. I'm dying without gossip.

One way to have more gossip while we're on break is to become a subscriber, which you can do at supportnormalgossip.com. You can go there if you become a friend or a friend of a friend, you'll get a bonus episode every month. And if you become our friend, you can come into our close friends on Instagram where we are doing secrets every Monday. Evil laugh. It's so fun.

We love it. Okay, enough business. Let's do it. Alex, what are we doing today? What are we doing here? How's this going to work? Okay. How this is going to work is I have picked out five niche community gossip stories that

are submitted by listeners. They will be anonymized to various degrees and we're, we're going to go through them. Are you ready? I'm amped. Let's do it. This has been the delight of my week. Jay and I have been going through everybody's emails and voice messages and just like losing it.

I also just want the listeners to know that you and I are in rare form today because neither of us selected all last night. So this should be a real chaotic time. Extremely fun. Let's go. Let's go. That's a game of roses reference for those paying attention for those in the pit. Those of us stuck in the pit for life can't get out.

Okay. As a reminder, you can like yell pause if you want to pause. Okay. Okay. We're going to, we're going to scream. Never been known to hold back in my life. So great. Yes.

Ready? Okay. Have I got some goss for you? Let me introduce you to the very dramatic world of the gay man's choir. Oh my God. So I joined our local gay men's chorus. I won't tell you which one, but I joined a while back and shortly after I joined there was an opening in the much more exclusive quartet that was a part of the choir.

I'm so sorry. I have to pause already. I just, what? Exclusive quartet. See, this is why we were so excited for niche community drama because like we did not know that there could be an exclusive quartet, you know? I didn't even know that like multiple cities had gay men choruses, much less that they had exclusive quartets that you had to like audition for or something.

Okay. I'm ready. Keep going. Okay. I can't wait to figure out where this is going. So there's an opening in the quartet. I auditioned and I got the, the president of the quartet, which I later found out was referred to as the cheaters quartet.

Oh my God. Okay. Okay. I love the idea that I'm assuming quartet means four people because that's what core means. So what I, it's very funny to me that one of them is the president. Like they're all, they're only four of you. Yeah, I know.

Why do you need a leader? And a president like such an official title. Yeah. Oh, I'm the president of these three people. My power short begins now. Okay. Continue. But we'll get into that.

So the president sings bass and he is there with his husband, who's also in the quartet, who sings baritone. The baritone and I became fast friends. We have similar senses of humor. We like the same things. We're hanging out a lot. Okay. So our caller has called in.

I don't know what his position is, but the president is bass. His husband is baritone. We have one more person that we have not heard about yet. Yes. Got it. Okay. Also in balance of power to have two members of your couple in the quartet, in my opinion, but whatever.

Continue. Fast forward a couple of months. The baritone and the bass, their dog passes away, which was very, very sad. It is very clear that the baritone was much more upset about this than the bass. I just would like to apologize to the listeners of this podcast, as I have promised you in the past, that nothing bad will happen to dogs and something bad has now happened to a dog. You know, mortality is difficult.

I feel so sad for them. Yeah, I'm sorry. I should have included a content warning there. I think that will live, but it's unclear. The bass was sad. But apparently, the baritone had this dog with his ex, and they had raised him as a puppy. The new husband, the bass, was just in this dog's life for a couple of years. I decided, because my day job, I am a portrait artist, and I wanted to kind of practice getting

some pet portraits done before the Christmas season. I did a portrait of their dog. Oh my God, Gorge. I reached out to the president, the bass, and I asked him when the baritone's birthday was, and I could give him this gift as a birthday present, or maybe I could wait until Christmas. He says, well, you just missed his birthday, and Christmas might be a problem, because if you gave him this gift outside of the Secret Santa thing, then the tenor's going to be really upset about that. I'm like, okay.

Pause. All right. So we've got a Secret Santa that is clearly an establishment within this quartet. Okay, so also we've now figured out that our collars may be like an alto because of the quartet options, right? This is, I just, okay, I don't understand why you need this level of coordination for four people. Like, you do not need a president if there are four of you. Two, why are you having a Secret Santa? Why don't you just draw names out of a cup?

Like, there are only three other people, and two of you are married. Yeah, yeah. Okay, fine. Like, just have a nice dinner. Yeah, just go to dinner. Just buy everyone a gift. There are only three of you. So the bass is like, don't worry.

I am in charge of the Secret Santa, so I'll just rig it to where you get the baritone, and then you can give him the painting as a gift. And he asked me, like, how much the materials were, and I think the rough materials came out to like $30, which was great because the max was 50. So that should be perfect. Okay, buddy, your labor is worth more than 20 bucks. Truly, sure. So fast forward to weeks before Christmas. An email goes out from the tenor, and I wish I still had this email. But it was addressed not only to the cheaters quartet, but it was also addressed to the director of the choir overall.

It was CC'd on the conductor. Like, all the important people were CC'd on this email. And it said something like, I have direct proof that the spirit of Secret Santa in our quartet has been violated. And in fact, this violation happened months ago when there was an agreement made that the selections would not be random. And this was done so that there would be time for a custom gift to be created, which retails for thousands of dollars, much higher than the $50 limit for the Secret Santa. So I, the tenor, will not be participating in Secret Santa this year. I will not be participating in the quartet. And I will not be participating in the gay men's chorus at all.

Out. Wow. So he fully quit over this. Okay, I do respect that the tenor is valuing Arkah Holler's work so highly. Like, I do think that your time is worth more than $20. But I like the complete jump of this man is making a custom portrait, and therefore this is thousands of dollars worth of labor. Incredible. Violating the spirit of the Secret Santa.

Also, like, not to play who's the villain so early, but I'm a little mad at the president about this. Because based on what he told Arkah Holler, he clearly knew that this was going to be a problem by being like, don't tell the tenor, but just rig the competition and don't tell the caller that you're going to do it. One thing that struck me funny about this is that the signature on it listed him as president of the quartet. And I found this confusing because the base is the president of the quartet. So I asked somebody that was there for a while and he says, oh, well, I guess the tenor hadn't changed his signature because he used to be president of the quartet until his divorce from the baritone. I'm pausing for a moment. Fuck. Cheaters quartet.

Oh my God. I just, you know, chef's kiss on the timing of this reveal. Incredible. Beautiful storytelling. Okay. So also, okay, so I just want to make sure I have it straight here. The baritone and the tenor used to be together and they had a dog together. Then at some point they broke up, which I'm sure we were about to find out about.

And then the baritone and the base are together. And now the dog was the basis step dog. So the dog was kind of everyone's dog. But also, but also the tenor lost his presidency to the base when he lost his husband. Yes. And his dog. Voting blocks. I went over this earlier.

Yeah. Continue. So apparently the baritone started was married to the tenor was having a full on affair with the base for almost two years. And then ended up leaving the tenor for the base. And they, and the base and the baritone got married like just a couple of weeks before I got there. What? So the dog was the tenor's dog up until two years ago. And I did this whole thing behind his back.

Anyway, that's the end of the draw. Okay. Okay. This has also made me really aware though of the fact that like the tenor did not quit this group. Yes. When his husband divorced him, married another member of the group and installed that person as president. That was not the line that was crossed. The line that was crossed was the sanctity of a secret Santa.

It's just, it's very, very good. I just bless our caller's heart. He did not know what he was walking into and he auditioned for this like high profile quartet. Yeah. I was kind of, I mean, I assume that our caller is very talented in that they're both a portrait artist and able to make it into this quartet. But I was kind of curious because these groups usually have a lot of politics in them. I was like, oh, it seems kind of rare to me that someone who just walked in would make it onto this quartet. Because even if you're the most talented person there, usually there's a lot of fucking drama around getting elected to these quartets.

And now I am understanding that perhaps the people who were not on the quartet knew a little more about the construction of the quartet. They're like, yeah, go ahead, buddy. Join the elite quartet. It's a really selective group. Good luck, sweetie. Yikes. This is already incredible. I love this.

Okay. So that was, that was story one. Story two. Okay. Catch my breath a little bit. It's going to take us. Yeah. Are you good?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm going to live, I think. Okay. Story two. We are going to go on a journey to a pole dancing community. Hell yeah. Let's go.

I am in the pole dance fitness community. Okay. And years ago, some drama went down at my home studio. I'm anonymizing nothing. Okay. So I'm going to try dancing. Okay. She had a cult-like following.

She would give you a nickname after you came to classes a few times. She had to like your best friend. She was so cool. She had the best playlist and the biggest theory. I just love that line so much. Anyways, after a while, pick on certain people in her class. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. So just a little while, pick on certain people in her classes.

Mostly the people that were progressing very fast and possibly progressing faster than she would. Oh my God. We got along great until I hit a move that she had never gotten. And I hit it on my first try. And then our relationship changed. She did this to a few people. We just kind of got weird.

But if you were still in her good graces, you loved her and you only went to her classes. Um, just progressively kind of got weirder and weirder. She had like a meltdown during a show. We had a show one time. She made the DJ restart the music. So she has this like great aunt who's dying in another country. She goes, she takes a couple of weeks off the studio. She's like, I've got to be gone.

You guys, she goes, she visits the great aunt, the aunt dies. She gets some sort of inheritance. She comes back to the studio. She walks right in. She walks to the computer. She downloads entire studio, female lists, lists, all of the Oh my God, oh my God. Okay.

We've learned a lot already about this woman, right? Like we've learned that she has huge earrings and great playlists. She is the type to become, you become her enemy the minute you exceed her talent. And she does not respect any kind of business rules. Yes. And apparently she's rich now. Yes. And now she's rich.

Okay. All right. Okay. She drops the mic. She quit. She walked out. She starts her own studio down the street. Some people go to, some people don't, some people are pissed about how she handled it.

Some people already were not liking her. She starts a Facebook group, um, complaining about the people that, from the old studio that never came to her new studio, I had to like message her to request to be removed because at that point in Facebook, you couldn't like leave these certain kind of groups on your own. We have been over this over and over and over again. The minute you are creating a Facebook group, you are doing something wrong. Yes.

It doesn't matter. It always ends poorly. It always ends poorly, especially to talk shit. If you're going to talk shit about students who paid you money, I assume. Do it in voice memo. Yes. Do it in person. Do not create a Facebook group.

So the original people that stayed loyal to our original studio, uh, we call ourselves the OGs for obvious reasons. We started fundraising because it was getting really competitive because we was offering crazy low packages. Like you could never pay rent with, with the money. It's like $4 classes. Like there was no way you could sustain it. So our original studio was like suffering because of all of this, um, and the

drama and everything. So the OGs started doing fundraising. We did a fake sale. We did this like pirate pool party where we sold tickets and everybody volunteered to work it. I love a big sale for a pole dancing studio. It's so wholesome. I personally believe that all of these women are also jacked.

So it's like very funny to me to imagine a lot of like very fit women being like, can you please buy these cupcakes to support our pole dancing studio? I love it so much. Incredible. We did like a clothing swap sale. We did all kinds of stuff. Um, anyways, and it helped. It kept us afloat.

Turns out the defector never actually paid her rent for her space. So eventually she gets evicted. So her studio closes down abruptly with no word on her students don't know. So her studio shuts down without a word. She stops responding to people calling, texting, Facebook, messaging her. For a long time, maybe six months or longer. And then eventually I hear through the rumor mill that she, she is responding to some Facebook messages, but won't call anyone, won't meet up with anyone in person.

And so then we start to suspect that her weird husband, who was like always kind of around who everyone called Mr. Um, was just replying for her and be like, is she even okay? Like none of us like her anymore, but also if she's lost in her closet. Anyways, this year, 2022, she starts Instagram requesting a bunch of us with her new Instagram handle. Teaches women. Weston, the face of the planet after being shunned from the pool has

community for being mean and not paying her rent. And then decided to open a swimming studio. We go to her website. Half of it still has like the Greek website template. And so, oh my God. I'm doing very good for this. I love this. It, the great thing about niche community job is like, if you're like a low

key scammer, like this woman is, like you're not trying to make a gazillion dollars, you're just trying to like not really work and like do whatever you want. Niche communities are really the place for you, right? Because what is the overlap in pole dancing fitness class attendees and swimming lesson attendees? Like I assume it is very small. Yeah, not a lot of overlap.

We're on to story number three. So this story has a cast of characters whose names will be changed. So listeners, stay tuned for my really expert and automation. Wow, beautiful. Hi. So I live in a subdivision that was built in the 1990s with a bunch of farms and the subdivision is actually five dirt driveways. And each driveway has three to five houses and it is like between a

quarter and a half mile long. And the entire neighborhood has a monthly women's book club. And most of the book club members are the original owners that built the houses in the 1990s and they're in their fifties and sixties now. But they are three or four of us who are like, you know, 10 to 20 years younger, who've moved in on one of these ladies. Um, and at the last book club meeting, I mentioned that I hadn't seen Cindy Laura at book clubs in a long time.

And what, you know, what are they up to? Are they okay? And Nora is one of the original owners and is this like business mom, hilarious, rye lady was like, Oh, um, they're not coming because of the cat. And what, you know, what? And everybody was like, Oh God, you didn't hear about the cat. And so last September, I was having a baby and had no idea what was going on. And, um, one of the book club members has three kids and the three kids came

home from school. They're like between eight and 14. And there was this beautiful, but thickly looking cat hanging around their porch. And so there's dumb kids. So they brought it inside and like gave it milk and carrots and didn't know what to do with it. Obviously. And they wanted to, you know, they didn't know what to do with it.

And they thought about calling your mom, but she was like, Don't call me. I'm in a big meeting. Pause. A mood. They, they thought about calling their mom. No, they didn't. Later, they said they thought about calling their mom. They 100% were like, maybe if we get the cat really cozy and we give it a bath

and it looks really nice, mama, let us keep it. Yeah, yeah. But I love this. Don't call me. I'm in a big meeting. That's like, that's very like mom's special juice. Yeah. That's me to my dog as she throws her whole body weight against the door

while we're recording. So they called their emergency contact. Their next door neighbor, Laura, Laura, is this her next door neighbor. And she's this lady in her sixties in the book club. She likes nonfiction and like doesn't like it when people chat or have fun at book clubs. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's like, I am this person in a book club. Are you really?

I actually am. Okay, I do like this dynamic of like your emergency contact is whichever adult is closest, right? I like that. That's good. Okay. And so she arrives immediately and assesses the cat and she greets and she takes a picture of the cat.

She says this cat does look sick and she puts it on the town's Facebook page. Amazing. And this is like everything that the town loves, loves hearing about is like animals found. And so the town, the Facebook page goes crazy. And Martha, this lady in town, who's the crazy cat lady, immediately direct messages, Laura, and it's like, look, I have a microchip detector. I'm going to come over and check out this cat.

And so by that time, Diane, the mom of the three kids, who's an engineer and like always drinks too much at the book club. She comes out and says, great, thank you. Thank you for posting this on the Facebook group. She starts interacting with the Facebook group. And by this point, there's like 20 messages like, oh, cute kitty. Oh, I hope the cat is okay. Okay.

I love the fact that Diane is quote, in a big meeting, cannot return her child's call, but can comment on the Facebook page icon. So, Martha comes and looks for the cat. I was like, something is wrong with this cat. I need to get it to a rescue organization. So she calls her contact at a rescue organization. They come and they're like, this cat is sick and they whisked the cat away at like 9pm that night.

The cat has been whisked away to the emergency that and this girl Dakota comments and is like, that's our cat Daisy. She's a 20 year old burn cat. And we have been looking for her all day. Um, Dakota is 25 years old. She's home helping her mom. She or sheep. So, and her mom is Cindy, the other lady in the book club, um, who's really,

really into her sheep and loves talking about her sheep and doesn't have Facebook. Okay. Oh, I see. You know, I was about to say for me. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine this life where you're just like sick. So I don't have Facebook.

I am involved in this book club where we drink wine and I am just out here living in bliss, sharing my sheep, not knowing about the internet. Cindy, teach me. So luckily her daughter does. She comments, this is our cat. We've been looking for her. This is great. And she reaches out to Martha, Martha and Cindy.

I think because they've both lived in town for like 40 years. They have beats because Cindy, very pragmatic about animals. And Martha, like every animal needs to be treated as if it were a king and queen. Okay. So they get on the phone and Cindy was furious that somebody has taken her cat to me where to see that. Martha, furious that the cat was in the condition that it was in. And so Cindy says, what have you done with my cat?

Where's my cat? I need to go pick it up. She says, well, it's happy emergency that they get into a fight. And basically Martha uses Cindy of like treating this 20 year old cat very badly. So Cindy cannot pick up this cat until it has been determined whether or not she is treating her animal as well. She has these like prized Shetland sheep that she's like an active farmer. So like the animal control people come out and they say, yes, obviously you

care very much about your animals and the 20 year old cat. It's fine. So you can go and pick up the cat at the rescue or at the animal hospital. Okay, pause. I was told at the beginning of this story that there are what four driveways and that each driveway has three to five houses. So we're talking about a maximum of 20 houses in this neighborhood. If you know that Cindy is not on Facebook, why not reach out to Cindy

before you call animal control? I'm also like shocked that everybody didn't recognize this cat. Right. If we're in such a close knit community. Maybe it's because the houses are spread out. Yeah, I wouldn't know about that. I can see into five of my neighbor's windows right now. Yeah, same.

That's how I know about all their cats. Okay. She goes, she arrives at the hospital, which is 45 minutes away. They are like, great, you can have your cat. It has diabetes and a family health failure and it's $1,200, but it's her son's beloved cat or some in college and she misses him. So she pays the $1,200. The cat is brought home and dies with him forever.

Oh, no. No. I'm sorry. I should have included another content warning. This is I swear to God. Okay. Content warning. Poor animals.

We got a couple of animal deaths. Man, this is brutal because I do understand the mindset of like this cat is 20. Right. Like leave her be in the barn, let her die in peace. Right. Like I understand that concept. And I also understand the concept of like, oh, I have to buy my cat back. My cat now costs $1,200.

Yes. Oh, this is brutal. And then she dies four hours later. That's so sad. Absolutely brutal for your pocket and your heart. It's a lot of stress, I'm sure. I'm sure it was a lot of 20 year old cat who's never been anywhere. And then she went on her big adventure, showed up at someone else's house,

met some kids, and then had to go to the hospital nightmare. Like I'm done. Goodbye. She's like, I found a place with carrots and milk and a bunch of suckers. And then I got whisked away to a terrible place with fluorescent lights. I'm out. My heart for Daisy. Because the cat was obviously going off into the woods to die

and was picked up by these kids coming off the bus. Yes. She got whisked into what she thought was heaven. Yes. Turned out to be fucking hell for Daisy. God. So Cindy is furious that Laura, the woman who is the emergency contact for the children, did not recognize this cat as her cat.

And she refuses to speak to Laura because Laura should have known the cat. Laura is disgusted that Cindy was mad at her because she feels that she did the right thing by this cat and Cindy has been fertilizing her lawn for years. And she thinks that that is inconsiderate to the environment. So the two will not speak to each other and have not attended book club in over six months. Also, nobody has mad at the kids, but Laura is no longer the emergency contact because the family with the kids put in a pool and one of the

construction vehicles hit one of the apple trees. So those three women who live next to each other are in a fight. Diane still comes to book club and drinks too much. But Cindy and Laura are now out. And that's the story of the book club and the cat. I do. I do like that our friend, like, I'm too busy in my meeting. I'm drinking all this wine at book club. Diane is the one who somehow got custody of the book club, right?

Like, yeah. No one else in this triangle of drama gets to come to book club only, Diane. Congrats to Diane. OK, this next story is short and sweet, but frigging delightful. I love a short and sweet story. That's frigging delightful. Hi, normal gossip. This is from the world of organic garden pest management. Oh, my God. So, oh, my God, organic garden. You know a lot more about gardens than me, Alex.

I have my first garden currently and I'm doing a lot of things like googling our slugs bad. Yeah. And do snails mean plants dying, right? Like, that's the kind of level that I'm operating at. Do you know anything about this before we get into it? About organic pest prevention? I only know that, like, there are things you can do.

So, you know, if you notice that there are pests in your garden, you can do like pesticides, you know, that's not organic. And so you can do things like plant certain types of flowers nearby because they attract the types of bugs that will eat the pests. I learned about this in Pinterest. Yeah. Have I done it? No.

Are my tomatoes completely overrun with cabbage moths and fungus? Yes. No. It's fine, though. One of the ways that you can manage pests organically is biological intervention. There are a lot of things that this means. One of those is introducing a predator insect that will eat the insect that is currently decimating your veggies.

Pause. I hate this. I can't really... Wait, this is what I just talked about. No. But like pet introducing another pest to kill pests? No. I don't like that.

That seems bad to me. That's too many pests. Like, mm-mm. No. I thought this was going to be about like cutting up half a grapefruit and dropping it into your garden to like get slugs into it. Okay. Continue.

So there is a business out here in the last two makes, grows, breeds, these predator insects for your use in your garden to protect your crops. And they have a whole production that includes several very, very isolated greenhouses because not only do they have to grow and breed their predator insects, they also have to breed the prey insects because the predators have to eat. So the drama occurred when one worker from a predator greenhouse and one worker from a prey greenhouse met in the lunch room and fell in love. Oh, no.

And their fraternization led to a contamination of the prey insect greenhouse. Not where I thought this was going. They met a predator completely demolished that entire cycle of pests. And so they lost just thousands and thousands of product and bugs. And now this business has a very strict no romance between the greenhouses rule. Is this legal? I don't know. Oh my God.

An organic gardening. It's amazing. I love the idea of like just two people being like, haha, we're smooching. Like some little bug piggybacking on one of them into like what is the greatest feast of its life, right? Like you arrive in this greenhouse just full of your favorite food and you're like, haha. I imagine this like grasshopper is like ratatouille on top of one of the guys' heads. And he's like, come on, go kiss her. Kiss, kiss.

Oh my God. Wow, that was such a delightful turn. For some reason after the cat, I was like, this is going to result in like someone's garden being destroyed. But the only person whose garden was destroyed was a company. Yeah, exactly. I hope those two people are still in love and I hope that the new ban on smooching leads to more illicit affairs. Yes. Okay, we are now to our last story now.

Okay, you and Jay have been amping this story up for weeks, to be honest. I will be honest and say that the first time I listened to this, I screamed so loud that Dana came into my office and said, is everything okay? Oh my God. And I said, yes, but also no. This story isn't quite niche community gossip in the sense of the other stories. However, it takes place in a smallish city where everybody knows each other. So this is a story that has been floating around for months, maybe years, I don't know. And so it feels like, you know, of the spirit of niche community.

I'll just say before we go any further, content warning for scatological content. Oh my God. Oh, the poor listeners, poor me. Okay. Everybody. Yeah, this is what Michael Hobbs calls like a bamboo story. Yeah. Oh no.

Okay. This girl, I don't know, called Ellen, she went on a date with this guy. And it was not a first date. It was like a second or a third date. And she was like, oh my God, you know, you know, you get that really good, like giddy feeling, you know, like pretty soon, like, oh, I really have the, have the feels for the sky. Everything feels right.

They like were really, really having success in the beginning. She was really into it. I hate this. I'm so stressed. They hooked up. She stayed tonight at his house. And the next morning he was, I think it was leaving town actually. That's why this situation got too bad.

But, you know, they wake up the next morning and he's like, look, I've got to go. You know, but feel free to sleep in, take your time, whatever, just leave whenever you're ready to door locks on your way out. So, you know, you don't need to hear anything, but just sleep in and, you know, kiss goodbye. Good vibes from a date though. Great vibes here. Alex, are you going to be okay? Are you going to make it?

I'm not. I'm not. I just, I want the listeners to know that Alex is like hyperventilating. Like she's hiding from the mic because she's already laughing so hard. I've just, I've only heard this story once and hearing it the second time, it just hurts. Okay. I think this is nice though. He's like, I have to go out of town, stay in my bed, hang out in my, what I assume is

nice apartment since it has a self locking door. What's this guy live in a fucking hotel? Sounds great. Yeah. Feels like romcom, you know, like she's walking around his apartment in an oversized white button down. Yeah, but I'm concerned because usually in a romcom, this is where things go awry. Okay.

So anyway, he leaves and she sleeps in, takes her time. I think she, you know, probably snooped around, took a look at the apartment and all that stuff. You got it. And she's like, oh shit, I got to use the bathroom. Glad he's not here. She has to go to the bathroom for real. She has to take a shit.

It'll happen to you. Unfortunately, his toilet clogged and it creates this big mess and her, oh, got to call back. Oh my God. Okay. Are you ready to keep going? Oh, I don't know. I have like a lot of tension in my chest. Okay.

Okay. I'm just so sad because they were having a good time. Yeah. I mean, it could still end well. I know how it ends, but you don't. Yeah, true. Okay. The toilet is like clogged or broken or something and it creates this big mess and her like

literal shit is like overflowed out of the toilet onto the floor and she's like, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Oh my God. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I have nowhere to cut the water. The toilet is not going to accept this. What you're supposed to do is cut the water. I don't know what that means.

Okay. My children, listen to me. All right. There are two, like if the water is going up and not down, there is a little knob on the toilet, like piping that will cut the water off. Oh. So turn it one way and if it doesn't cut it off, turn it the other way. Wow.

Cut the water. Life hacks with Kelsey. Okay. This girl, go back in time now that you've heard this episode. I'm okay. Get ready. So what she does is like, I guess my only option is she cleans up and she can. And she goes into the kitchen and finds a Ziploc bag and she's like, I'm just going

to have to carry this shit out here with me. I just love like, if all the options, I'm just going to have to carry this shit out with me. Okay. All right. She's committed. This man doesn't have a garbage, like put this in the garbage and take the whole garbage bag.

She's probably walking out of this apartment with a Ziploc full of her own shit. Those are clear. Because there's no fucking way I'm going to leave it in the toilet. And so she puts it in the Ziploc bag and she's like, I got to get the hell out of here. But before she leaves, she wants to leave him like a note because she's super stinting and just wants to be cute and has butterflies. Whatever. She is committed to the future of this relationship and I love it.

But to be honest, nothing says I'm committed to the future of this relationship more than carrying your own shit out of an apartment in a Ziploc bag in order to protect the illusion that you have never pooped in your life. Yes, exactly. So she's like, you know, you know, miss you already. Can't wait to see you when you get back. Very sweet. So Ellen, whatever.

Kiss, kiss. Adorable. And so she grabs the bag, she grabs the phone, keys, wallet, boom, leaves. Doorsteps behind her locks automatically. She did not. No. She grabbed the bag. No.

I think she, she left it next to the note. Oh my God. I'm so sorry, but you have to disappear. You have to go away forever. You can't come back. She left it on the counter. Oh no, no, no, no. Side to note where she wrote, you know, have the best time, whatever, miss you, already

see you soon, XO and here's my back. Miss you, XO, XO. And she cannot get back in the apartment. Door locks automatically. You've got to break it. Like a smaller building or something. Like there's not like a front desk person who she could go and like, you know, be like, take me, let me in.

But also she couldn't, I think it was like an electronic like FOB lock or something. So she couldn't like, you know, call a locksmith and be like, oh, I'm locked out of my apartment. Like, you know, help me, you know, and pay someone a hundred bucks to let her in. She is truly out of luck. Oh my God. She has no way to get in. Pause. Lie.

This is, you have to lie. You have to call this guy on the phone and be like, hi, so sorry, left your apartment. My keys are in there. I can't get back into my own apartment. Is there anyone who has a key to your apartment? Is there any way to open it remotely? Yes. You cannot leave this here.

It should be openable remotely. Yes. Or someone else will have a key, right? Yeah. Like that seems likely to me. Yeah. There's a management number. There's something that he has that can get him into that apartment.

Alternatively, there are people who know how to hack those and you could find them for a price. Oh my God. They're had to have been away. Like to contact him and just say like, before you go in, I left something really important on the counter. Like, you stay out in the hallway like while I go get it. I don't understand how she didn't figure something out, but she didn't. Whatever she thought were all of her options, she tried them. I feel like I would have gone to the most desperate end to avoid what ends up happening, but she didn't.

She couldn't get in. So she just had to go home and wait and see if, you know, he would reach out and unfortunately, he just never, ever spoke to her again. And I can understand why because that would be pretty disturbing and how do you bounce back from that? Even if he was like the coolest guy ever, like I personally couldn't look someone else in the eye after that, even if they loved me. Like I just, I just couldn't bounce back on this. Yeah, no shit he didn't talk to you again. You left a baggie of poop on his counter. Can you imagine?

He's like getting back from my little business trip to my very nice apartment. If you're going to let this guy walk in there, which I think you should set that building on fire before you do. If you're going to let this guy walk back in there, you need to be on the phone with him when he walks in to explain yourself. Honestly, like this is a thing that could be gotten past. Like it could be a hilarious story to tell one day. It could even be a hilarious story to tell in the moment. Yes, this is like objectively funny that you are like trying to save yourself from humiliation and yet have created a situation in which not only are you humiliated, but now years later we're talking about it on a popular podcast.

Like this could be a funny story, but by pretending it didn't happen, you are now poop bad girl to that man and all of his friends forever. Oh my God, my heart goes out. This girl's friends let her down. That's my opinion here. I think there are ways out of this scenario that we're not attempted. I think if there is not a way out of this scenario, you should be in front of his door when he gets home. Whatever that requires. You need to be there.

If you have to have someone else tackle him while you run in and give that bag and run out and never speak to him again, that's fine. Oh my God. Oh my God, I just I'll never be the same. I just don't have like I do admire the kind of strength of this and being like, well, I can't get it out. I guess I'll just wait and see if he texts me. I would literally know I would not survive those five days. I would die. Yes.

Yep. That's the story. That's it. That's the story. And those are our gossip stories. Wow. Thank you to everybody who sent in your stories. We enjoyed listening to all of them, but especially these.

Oh my God. A lot of morals here, you know, talk to your neighbors lie when you have to. What else? Don't go on Facebook. Yeah, never go on Facebook. Find out the relationships between other people before you join exclusive gay men's chorus courgettes and choose love over pests. We hope that you enjoyed this bonus episode and that you are not dead of secondhand embarrassment. But we will also, we have a little treat for you, which is an announcement that we will be back soon.

Season three premieres two weeks from today. So buckle up. Buckle up. Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at normal gossip at defector.com or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679 gossip. If you love this podcast and want us to keep making it, become a friend or a friend of a friend at supportnormalgossip.com. You can follow me on all social media at McKinney-Kelsey. This podcast was produced by Alex Sujan Loughlin.

Defectors Projects Editor is Justin Ellis. Our Editor-in-Chief is Tom Lay. Jay Tol is our production assistant. Thanks to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber based media company. I'm Kelsey McKinney and remember, you did not hear this from me. I'm going to quickly record just myself saying all of these names and then I'm going to do like a bad copy paste. I love that. I love Cindy.

Yeah, exactly. Okay, Cindy, Laura, Nora, Diane, Martha, Dakota. I'm going to rule. I can't wait. I love it.